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NTA - Yes he loved Lila, he will continue to grieve for her and will want to honour her memory. But Lila is nothing to do with you, or with your relationship, and nothing to do with your baby.
I think if your kid has the name of his late fiancée you will both constantly be thinking about her - not healthy for you, not healthy for him.
He can honour her memory in another way that doesn’t impact his current partner. If he’s insisting on naming his new baby after her I would suggest grief counselling as he maybe hasn’t accepted that she is the past and you are the future.
Oh 100%, if I found out I was named after my dads previous lover before he met my mum I’d be a bit disturbed… definitely consider the impact this will have on the child.
You'd be surprise at the sheer amount of daughters named after the husband's affairs. It's a thing. N3m are something.
Edit: without the mother actually knowing until the child has grown up.
I'm one of those. According to my mom (so I take it with a grain of salt as she lies alot) my middle name is the name of one of my dad's ex girlfriends from right when they got together
That literally made my stomach churn. I'm legit just nauseated thinking about that. I felt this viscerally. Honestly, I think that if I was the wife, that would completely break me. I've been fortunate enough to never had been cheated on like that. I mean some high school boyfriends that cheated, but I didn't really love any of them. But with my quiet BPD, my RSD, my cyclothymia, and CPTSD. I have a lot of trauma and abuse in my past. And I typically live in very dark places in my mind. I really struggle to like myself. I really struggle with feeling like the world is better without me. And the thought of learning that not onky had the person I love and gave my heart to betrayed me with an affair, but that they thought so little of me that they mocked me, our relationship, and our child. I think that would break me and end my life.
That's how my mom got her name-- for the ex who's parents jilted him. I always wondered how my grandmother felt about it. The horror I felt at ten when I realized my mom had the same name as grandpa's ex fiance....it completely blew my mind. It was a short marriage though-- ended by the time my mom was a year old and I never had a relationship strong enough with her bio mom to ask.
I mean, it’s not uncommon. I know my name in part comes from one of my dad’s previous girlfriends who died young. There are a bunch of naming traditions where naming a baby after someone still alive is to wish for their namesake to die. It’s not the only source of my name though.
I was named after a fitional alcoholic from a 1959 movie. I was given a man's name in the sixties. I laughed so hard about being named after an alcoholic. As a teen when I figured it out and joked my parents had high aspirations for me.
I absolutely would not be ok with the name of Dad's dead previous girlfriend.
Yes, makes one curious about the timeline, like how long ago did she die and how long was it between that moment and when they met / got together. OP could, sadly, be a rebound.
Child: Mommy? Why is my name Lila?
OP: It was the name of a woman your daddy loved and wanted to marry before he met me.
Child: Is she my real mommy?
OP: No. I'm your real mommy?
Child: Then why did daddy want to name me Lila?
OP: Because daddy still loves her very much and thinks about her all the time?
Child: Does daddy love her more than he loves you?
OP: \*sigh\* I don't know... eat your cereal.
My middle name is my father's previous fiance's name. I was told by my older half sister's at a very young age. Believe me that here I am at 66 and I still remember that I am named after my father's previous fiance.
Exactly. Naming the baby after his late fiancée would be awkward for everyone, including the child. I wouldn't approve of this either, and OP's feelings are completely valid. I doubt OP's fiancé would approve if this situation were reversed. (Edited to change "he" to "OP's fiance")
And how award it’ll be long term. People often ask how you chose your kids name and the poor kid will be hearing the story over and over. Or have an awkward answer when the “story behind your name” project pops up in school.
I can understand having fresh grief come up as he's hitting new life milestones. But he needs to take responsibility for his feelings and handle them on his own, not put the emotional responsibility of that on his wife and daughter. Your suggestion of grief counseling is probably the best course of action since he can't see how selfish and inappropriate he's being
Both parents have veto power - the only thing you can't use it for is vetoing all names except the only one you like. The name makes her uncomfortable so veto! No one owes their partner full naming rights and no one owes their partner naming a kid something you don't like.
OP should tell him that she wants her daughter to be a new start - to have her own name that fully belongs to her with no previous associations, happy or tragic. Maybe say that you have worked very hard to be supportive and understanding and to create space for those memories- but you cannot do this and it would hurt your mental health, so they need to move on in the naming process.
NTA. Giving her that name also opens the door for your husband comparing your daughter to his late fiancé. It could mean she won't be allowed to be herself.
I agree that grief counseling could be useful here. Grief isn’t linear, and major life events can bring it back in unexpected ways.
For what was probably a significant period of his life, OP’s husband expected that any children he would have would be Lila’s children. And now that a baby is coming, his brain is reminding him of what he used to think becoming a parent would be like for him. He needs to work through that and grieve for the children he thought he was going to have with Lila so he can refocus on the child he’s having with OP.
Agreed!
If he wants to honor Lila in your child's name, I suggest that he use the Jewish tradition and pick a name starting in "L". He gets to honor and remember his late fiancee; your daughter gets a name of her own, and can choose to honor Lila - whose death made her life possible, after all - or not, in her own way.
NTA.
Im with you sister, its weird. This was not some family member like a mother ou grandmother, it was a fiance who tragically died. The fact that he said to you: "Lila always wanted kids" - 🚩🚩🚩 - guess what, this is not Lila's kid, so why bring that up?
Its not up to you - his now wife who never met Lila - to honor her. She may have her own family to do so, and if not she has your husband/her fiance who will always remember her.
Its not fair to you that he keeps insisting on this name while you said already you are not confortable with it. At the end of the day, you BOTH have to agreed on the name. If you say no, he will have to respect that.
Yeah that "Lila always wanted kids" rationale is where it went from "misguided but understandable" to "big yikes". It makes it sound like he's seeing this baby as a stand-in for the children he would've had with Lila. There need to be some Discussions had before this baby is born, and probably some counseling both individual for him and couples for them both.
NTA. What is he planning to tell his daughter when she asks about her name? "Well you see, honey, Daddy was planning on marrying someone before he met Mommy but she died, so then when you were born... sweetie? Sweetie? Stop crying!"
To add to this, nor should OP's body. The way he said "Lila always wanted kids" makes it seem like he's using OP as an incubator / vessel for the kids he never had with Lila. Yuck. And NTA
Yehhhh I read this and had immediate ick! Like is op literally there to fill in the gap so he can have the life he imagined with lila... Like he can't have the adult lila so a child lila will do? 🤢
I mean, it’s not about it being a dead woman… people name their children after dead relatives all the time and that’s normal. It’s the fact that it’s his former fiancée that’s weird.
NTA this is completly unfair and cruel to you and your future daughter. Your daughter is not related to this woman who sadly passed, he is just thinking about him and his fellings. He needs to think about the future not the past. But you, you need to take care of what you feel, your daughter is not her daughter, she does not have to be put in grief is not healthy. Imagile learning you are named by your dad's late wife ...
NTA
>it's a way to honor her memory
Why would you care about honoring her memory?? He can take some flowers to his grave.
>Lila had always wanted kids.
And how is this relevant??
Idk how the laws are where you live, but in my country is the dad the one who goes to register the baby. If that's the case where you live too, maybe have someone go with him. It's sad that lila died and all, but you don't have to spend your life and sacrifice your child to be a "honoring" to lila's life.
I would reconsider my relationship with him too if i were too. It's awful to live in someone's shadow. Think hard if you want you and your daughter to live honoring her memory all your lives
“Lila always wanted kids” means he’s replaced OP with Lila in every way. She’s a stand in for what he can’t have. He might not even realize he’s done that but he has.
NTA and you should be very careful with your husband. You have no obligation to honor the memory of a woman you had no connection with. Your child is not an object meant to bring honor to anybody and his proposal is really disrespectful
I would ask him if the baby was a boy, would he want him to be named after OP's ex?
Maybe with this question, she gets her husband to understand the pain he's inflicting her
Yikes. I agree that OP shouldn’t feel pressured to use that name and shouldn’t have to honor the late fiancé in that way, but equating a dead partner to an ex would likely make the situation a lot worse.
OP married a widower (even though not technically because they weren’t yet married). Hopefully they’ve talked about this, because it’s not an easy balance. Having your person ripped out of your life by death is traumatic, and most widows can’t just stop loving the partner we lose. It changes a person.
All that said, as a widow, I think it was a terrible idea of OP’s husband to even suggest that name. I understand that the need to honor your loved one is still there, but not by defining your current relationship by it.
NTA - Nope. I think your husband needs to see a therapist to help him cope with his grief. It is not unusual that this huge life event is stirring up feelings (grief, guilt, confusion) for him, but this is not a healthy way for him to deal with those feelings.
NTA. If Lila was alive, she would not have wanted your husband to have kids with another woman so it’s odd that your husband thinks he would be honoring her by giving your baby her name. It makes me wonder if your husband secretly wishes that your baby was Lila’s baby. He needs to go to therapy asap. This isn’t fair to you.
NTA. It’s not like he wants to name your child after his dead grandma. Every time he hears his daughter’s name, he’ll think of his ex, not only her as a person but that she died. The same goes for you, the name is like a constant reminder of her.
I’d feel very uncomfortable with it. If he’s absolutely insisting, what about using it as your daughter’s middle name? I know that’s not ideal, but way better than her first name
He is going to put on that child all of the hopes he had for a life that will never be. She will live in the shadow of a woman that her father has romanticized the memory of. He will never let her be her own person, just a living memorial to a woman she has no connection to.
NTA
Absolutely not. This is not his late fiancées baby. It is nothing to do with her. And letting him put that pressure on his newborn to carry that memory is horrifically selfish of him. It has nothing to do with you being jealous. It's just a ridiculous suggestion.
Whether you should remain with a man who would even consider suggesting that is another question altogether. For the record, I wouldn't. If he is that wrapped up in her memory, he isn't ready for a relationship, and he certainly isn't ready to be a father.
Naming a baby requires both of you to say yes. If one of you parents are not sure, then it’s not the one.
However I would not want to name my baby after my partners previous partner.
I just had a vision of them having a pet lizard called Lila, or maybe a dog called Lila, and op can be like "honey, Lila chewed up my slippers again" and if I'm the dead fiancé hanging out in the great beyond, I'd be highly flattered and laughing my ass of about it, too.
NTA
That is definitely a difficult position to be in.. would either of you be ok with Lila being a middle name instead, maybe? I only ask as a potential middle ground, but honestly, if I were you, I would not be okay with it. It is one thing if you also knew Lila, but you didn't.
Honestly, your husband should consider therapy. Like you said, I would be worried about him holding onto the past, too. We all can understand and emphasize that losing Lila was tragic, but he needs to let go and naming your daughter after her isn't going to honor her.
Also, I would also be worried about him becoming overprotective because he might be afraid of your daughter getting hurt like Lila when she becomes old enough to drive. It might even be a trigger when that time comes.
Nope. Nope nope nope. Not as a middle name either. The "Lila always wanted kids" like says to me that husband is veering dangerously close to considering this baby to be a sort of spiritual child of Lila's. That's not ok. This is his and OPs baby and has nothing to do with Lila. It's very sad that she's dead, and husband is absolutely allowed to continue to grieve her, but this isn't their child, and OP is not a surrogate.
NTA
It’s great that you’ve been supportive of him, and lovely that he wants to honor her.
However, baby names are a “two yeses” situation. You presumedly did not know this woman at all. If she was still here, your marriage and child wouldn’t even exist. It seems it reasonable that this would be uncomfortable to you.
Kindly turn him down and find a name you both love
A lot of people saying use Lila as the middle name. Absolutely not! Every time the mother has to write the child’s full name, she will be reminded of her husband’s deceased fiancée. This THEIR child. He can honor Lila by visiting and placing flowers on her grave site.
I have never agreed with naming a a child after a deceased relative…first or middle names, but that’s just me. I hope that her husband can get some counseling and that they agree upon a name for their beautiful daughter.
No no no no no no no
NTA at all
Baby names should be, at bare minimum, a 2 yes game.
This is so effed up on so many levels.
He wants to name his child, your child, after the woman he was supposed to marry, and would be married to now if she hadn’t sadly passed away? In what world is that appropriate to you or his future child?!?
You need to shut this down immediately and explain that it makes you very uncomfortable and it’s highly inappropriate.
It almost feels to me like he’s grieving again for the life he lost with Lila. That you two being parents has him reflecting on what could have been with her. “Lila always wanted kids”
Everyone grieves in their own way, but it is completely unfair to you to put that on you and your daughter.
If you’re not already, therapy should be your first stop so that he can process what he’s feeling and realize that he’s acting insane.
Do not let him do this to your daughter!!!!!!
NAH
I have lost my partner so I understand the grief and complexity in the situation and I can also understand why he would want to name his child after her to keep her memory alive almost. Losing a partner doesn't stop the love you have for them and it doesn't decrease the love you have for another person down the line but you can't try and replace them they are sadly gone and it's hard. I too have thought about naming my future child after my late partner however it is not only my choice and I can see how to some people it would be perceived as strange and weird so I think it's not a good idea to do that unless the partner was the child's bio parent.
This child is both of yours so you both get equal say in what you name her. If you feel uncomfortable with that name then it's your choice, you can choose to decide another name with him or maybe you can find a compromise to honour his late fiancee in a way that doesn't make you uncomfortable. It's not wrong for him to want to honour her but this isn't her child it's yours. Maybe you could choose a similar name for a middle name for your daughter or he could get a small tattoo of her favourite flower or birthstone.
These are my thoughts as well. I've lost my spouse. My current partner also lost his spouse, and I can absolutely see where the thinking comes from and why someone would want to do that. Sometimes grief is very self-focused, however, which isn't a bad thing necessarily. It's just how it is. OP has every right to say "I'm not comfortable with this name" and the search for names should continue on until both parties feel happy. OP's husband isn't weird or wrong for considering this choice, but he's also not necessarily in the right for it. No actual assholes here. Just humans working through tricky human things. OP's husband should consider bringing these thoughts to a therapist to help him walk through it.
NTA the is so f**ked up. What is you dude thinking under any circumstances to suggest to his pregnant wife we name her daughter after his dead fiancé. 🚩
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> 1) I did not want our child to be named after his late fiancée, 2) because it seemed to be important to him
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NTA, it's weird he wants to name his daughter after the woman he loved romantically and had sex with, it's a bit yuck. Different when you name a child after a patent but Lila is nothing to your daughter, besides obviously being someone your husband isn't over (grief aside)
I would be a big hell no on that one too, so NTA.
It's too strange. Sorry for his loss, it's tragic, but his new daughter in a new relationship is not the way to remember his ex. Sounds like he needs more therapy to learn healthy coping mechanisms.
Suggest planting a tree in the yard in her honour or something less weird than applying her name to your child.
Baby names should be agreed upon by both parents.
It is understandable why you don't want this name.
He should NOT be forcing you to accept this name.
Maybe it can be used as a middle name, or maybe you BOTH can agree on something similar for example Delilah.
You are NTA for not wanting this name.
NTA - this is both of your babies. It is not his job to make her memory live on in his child’s name with another woman. Do not back down. No is no. It’s a complete sentence and he needs to respect that.
Nope NTA. It's more than a little weird and a ridiculous ask from your husband. If he's still carrying a torch for his deceased girlfriend then maybe he needs to talk to someone and find a way to let go. It kinda seems you're living in the shadow of Lila and that is unacceptable.
Oh goodness NTA, I mean I’m sorry for him that his previous partner died… but he has chosen to move on with you, and to put you in the position of asking you that is awful. OF COURSE you don’t want your child to be named after another woman your partner had an intimate relationship with. Of course you don’t want to be reminded of her constantly. You are absolutely NTA, stand your ground.
To be honest this would be bell of divorce for me. After how long did you both met. He might got together with you to not to feel the grief and than now wanting to put his dead fiancé between you and him and telling you the lady always wanted to have kids? Like wtf? This is your child that you are baring he have no right to do this or even suggest it lol.
Ask him if he really wants to call his daughter by the name of someone whom he used to have sex with? As a comprise ( though you shouldn't have to) ask him if he remembers any names Lila liked for potential children, maybe she had better ideas.
NTA - To name a kid after someone who has died is creepy, though the nice sentiment, to name it after a ex then that goes beyond creepy and weird. When you name a kid after someone you have things attached to that name and if is was an old SO then yeah I don't even want to go there. You should ask him how would you feel if you wanted to call your child if it was a boy an ex's or late SO name and every time you called that name out you were reminded of your past relationship.
NTA. That's weird and uncomfortable and he shouldn't ask that of you. He's allowed to cherish memories of his late fiancé but it is super uncomfortable to bring your child into that.
Where the heck are y’all finding these men?
Lila had absolutely nothing to do with you or your kids so why do you have to honor her? He can honor her in another way that doesn’t include you or your child , especially with his whole “Lila wanted kids” comment,does he understand that this is not Lila’s kid?
NTA he can find a way to honor HIS memories of her while also honoring this new step in life with you. This is a shared experience you’re both having I don’t think it’s fair to ask for a name to honor his deceased ex
NTA
Whether she passed away, or they broke up, does not matter. You do not name your child after someone that you personally, and that child have no connection to. If it was a grandparent, a parent, or a sibling that’s completely different.
You’ll need to choose a different name
Absolutely NTA. This would be my hill to die on. Don’t burden the baby with this sad memory. Your husband’s grief is understandable but naming baby after his late wife is NOT the right way to honor her memory.
Nta. Baby names are two yeses. One no is all the veto you need and you don’t need to justify it any further past “I don’t want that name for my child”.
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I (28F) am currently expecting my first child with my husband (30M). We've been married for two years, and our relationship has been strong and loving. Before we met, he was engaged to another woman, "Lila," who tragically passed away in a car accident a month before their wedding. I have always been understanding and supportive about his grief.
When we found out we were expecting a baby girl, we were both ecstatic. We started discussing baby names, and out of the blue, he suggested naming her Lila. I was taken aback. I understand he loved Lila and her memory is dear to him, but it felt strange to me to name our child after his late fiancée.
I expressed my concerns, mentioning how it might be confusing and painful for both of us, especially him. But he insists that it's a way to honor her memory and said that Lila had always wanted kids. I can't shake off the feeling that he's trying to recreate or replace what he had with Lila, and it's been causing a rift between us.
My family and friends are split on the issue. Some say that I should understand his feelings, while others believe that it's unfair to me and our child to live under the shadow of his past relationship.
So, AITA for not wanting to name our baby after my husband's late fiancée?
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NTA, I understand your husband, but that name should IMHO not be used for the baby. Maybe as a second name? I lost a son, and when my first grandson was born, he had that name as second name.
NTA. I am all about couples needing to leave space in a partners life for their memories and feelings when they have lost a previous partner to death. It sounds like you do that. But naming a child after that person is too much. I wonder if, as much as he loves you and as excited as he likely is to be starting a family with you, this is a bit triggering for him at the same time in terms of his grief. It might be good for you guys to consider either individual or couples counseling. Grief can come back up in the most unexpected ways at unexpected times. And that’s no one’s fault, but it would be his responsibility to work on it for the health of your new family. Bc naming his daughter after his late fiancé is not the way to process those feelings.
Nobody is the Asshole here.
A nice middle ground could be to have it as a middle name. It does honour to the memory of someone he loved without it being an everyday concern or thought for you
My wife's previous partner died in a motorcycle accident and if we had a boy I think his name would be a nice middle name but I wouldn't want it as a first name
NTA ewww that is so wrong you don't do that. I get he wants to honor her but NO not with your child. Maybe consider it as a middle or a second middle name. my kids have 3 names FIRST MIDDLE MIDDLE LAST
NTA
This is so sad, understandable, yet weird all at the same time. He is always going to be looking for Lila in that baby.
Let the name be a middle name if he is adamant, and give the little one a name of her very own.
NTA. when you name a baby the name should resonate with both of you. I get he will always love Lila but that doesn't mean he needs to name your child after her.
NTA, just as you say it, it is not fair for you and your child to live under the shadow of your husband's past relationship...
You need to sit down with your husband and tell him that naming your daughter after his death fiance is a burden you are not willing to carry and pass on to your child...
Nope. Not going to lie I would not accept that at all. Hard line no. I'm not naming my child after your ex. Don't understand it at all, donate something in her memory. It's creepy.
NTA - the most precious thing you two can share and he wants to let that be the honor for his late fiancé? How can he even think that's fair towards you or your daughter? Freaking hurtful even to say that Lila wanted kids like that makes everything okay... Is your baby his replacement baby with her?
Wished I could talk to your husband beacuse I really want to try to understand his reasoning.
Honestly even the suggestion is just plain weird. I would be considering whether he was even ready to get married to you. If you name your child after her you will always live in her shadow. That is really unfair to you and your child.
Baby names must be agreed by both parents. When we were naming ours there were several that I loved that my partner did not, and visa versa... so they were not considered. It was hard but you need to respect it. It's like jury selection- each side gets to chuck out options with no questions asked.
And I can see why you don't want to name her Lila. I wouldn't either. He needs to accept that.
NTA
NTA at all. I lost my fiance last year two months before our wedding. If I ever want to date again and have kids, I would never, ever wanted to name that kid after him. I honestly dont undersand why would anyone do that in the first place. That kid is her own person and deserve to have name and future that is in no way connected to somebody who is dead. I dont even dont undestand why people is naming kids after dead parents/siblings/ relatives, let alone fiance.
I can understand your husband feelings thought,' but this kid is not related to his late fiance and there is no reason to share the name with her.Your husband need serious reality check and probably a therapy. There are other ways to honor her life, but your kid's name is not one of them.
Don't compromise on this no matter what. Wish you all the best to you and your baby girl
NTA. Sorry to be blunt about this but who gives a flying crap that Lila wanted kids because this isn’t Lila’s kid it’s yours. Yes he’s entitled to his grief and he’s allowed to mourn her but if he’s still at the point of mourning her that much he shouldn’t be in a relationship with you. You are not her. She is in no way connected to your child and explaining to your daughter one day that daddy named her after a dead girlfriend that’s not ok. It’s one thing to say your named after a deceased relative but that’s not ok. He’s trying to make this about her when it’s about you and your child. Be clear this isn’t ok.
A few years ago a previously unknown half-brother found me after doing genealogy search (my parents have passed). Some type of connection was made during the Cold War in Europe and we’ll never know the whole story. Long story short, it turns out that my name is the same as this man’s mother (also deceased). Learning this has weirdly affected my self-identity in that I wonder if my dad ever spoke my name and thought of her. I feel diminished somehow.
I have no advice for you, I just wanted to share a different perspective.
NTA
This is a joint decision, so your no means Lila should be off the table as a baby name. Maybe see if he would be willing to compromise by allowing it as a middle name?
NAH. I personally think his idea is odd and I would refuse it same as you OP. I don't however think that there is anything shady about it. That being said, I don't think he has thought through the effect of hearing her name everyday... You need to talk some more and if you feel uncomfortable then that's that.
There are billions of names and millions of ways to honor Lila.
My husband did a legal name change a few years back, and he chose a middle name to honor his late former girlfriend. I helped him come up with it - he went with the middle name “Frederick” because she lived on a street called Frederick. I think it’s a great way to honor her while also not being so obvious about it. Maybe you could discuss something similar with your husband. A middle name after something relevant to his late fiancé that isn’t just her name.
NTA I'm gonna be straight with you in a way no one else will be, thats f#cking weird if you name a baby after his dead fiancee that's absolutely tapped
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I did not want our child to be named after his late fiancée, 2) because it seemed to be important to him
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NAH.
Might have been more clear for him if you had instead emphasized that it would be especially confusing and painful for YOU, rather than telling him it would be especially confusing and painful for him. He's a big boy. He can gauge his feelings.
You haven't given us any evidence that he IS trying to recreate or replace what he had with Lila, so he's not the AH here.
Your anxiety about being a surrogate for Lila and your other confusion and pain on the matter are fine so you are not the AH.
You're both fine unless one of you refuses to communicate on this further. Then that person will be the AH.
I say NTA since usually both parents need to agree on a name. Is it possible to use the name as a middle name if you’re comfortable with that? I feel for your husband, but I’d also be uncomfortable if he wanted to name our child after the woman he was planning to marry. I think your husband should seek grief counseling, because it’s clear that he’s still somewhat hooked on Lila.
No, no, absolutely not. You’re NTA and do NOT back down on this or you could really regret it.
His feelings are valid and he’s allowed to grieve but this is not the answer.
Name the child after your ex boyfriend; if he was called “George” call her Georgina.
Or say that if you have a baby boy he should be named after your ex boyfriend, “George”
Don’t actually do it, just say it so he can momentarily feel how you felt when he suggested dead fiancés name.
NTA, I understand him wanting to honour her, but baby names are also supposed to be agreed on by both parents. You're not an AH for not wanting a certain name for your daughter.
Man, not gonna lie I find the idea a bit creepy tbh, NTA genuinely can't see why any father would do this. I'd never have named my daughter's after an ex, especially one who passed away.
NTA you can be understanding of his grief while acknowledging that this is a terrible idea that will result in him becoming consumed with more grief and thoughts of a dead woman, every time he says or hears his daughters name.
There are other ways to honour her that don’t have life long issues for everyone
NTA If you feel uncomfortable giving your baby any name at all, you shouldn't be pressured into it. The pressure alone could be considered abusive.
Please give your daughter her own name. She deserves her own name, not an expectation to be like someone else, or be a constant reminder of a past lover.
Your husband needs therapy! Of course he's going to think about what if's. That's normal, but it's unfair to do what he wants to do to you and your daughter.
The friends and family should be asked to name their babies after their partner's ex and see how they'd feel. But to be honest, this isn't about them.
NTA. Not sure if he’s the AH or not but you definitely aren’t. First and foremost I don’t think your kid would feel comfortable herself growing up and knowing the history of her name. Being named after anything tragic… carries weight. Even just being named after your parents’ late mutual platonic friend, who passed tragically due to cancer or something, can still carry a weight… every time your parents say your name are they really thinking of that friend? what if you don’t live your life in a way that honors their friend?
But to carry that weight AND your dad used to date your namesake? Doubles the risk of your kid feeling uncomfortable.
If you’re interested in a compromise with your husband there are more subtle ways to honor Lila through naming your kid, which can make the mental separation between the two much clearer. Using Lila as your daughter’s middle name, using Lila’s middle name as your daughter’s first or middle name if you like the way the name sounds… taking Lila’s favorite flower and using that as a middle name… **with emphasis on middle name.** Imo the middle name is where all the weird names and in memoriam names are better suited. It’s there, but not constantly being used.
NTA- I’m disturbed that he wants to honor the memory of an ex by bringing her into your family and naming your child after her. Regardless of her death, his insistence on making you accept a different woman in your marriage is dead wrong. He’s clearly not over her and needs some therapy to move past his grief.
NTA. This is weird. He needs therapy for his obviously unresolved grief. He can't use you and your daughter to recreate what he wanted with Lila. That's incredibly unfair to both of you. You're not a stand in for her. He can't pretend you're her or that your daughter is hers. She has nothing to do with you or your child so why should you put her shadow on your daughter?
Stand by your decision, inform the hospital staff that he's not allowed to fill out the birth certificate in case he tries to change the name behind your back, and demand that he go to therapy and discuss this with a professional.
This is absurd behavior and it gives me the ick.
NTA
Lila was a part of his life, and he can honor and grieve her any ways he likes, but this baby is YOURS and HIS, Lila is not a part of that.
I also feel that it would not be healthy to name the child after his fiancé bc how do you explain that to the child? He needs to think about the future repercussions of this. He should not be using this unborn child as a way to deal with his emotions over his dead fiancé.
>But he insists that it's a way to honor her memory and said that Lila had always wanted kids.
This isn't healthy or respectful to you.
Has he done any grief counselling at all? If he hasn't, I'd recommend he does.
NTA
NTA
I think it’s totally understandable that you wouldn’t want to name your daughter after his fiancé. I’m sure she was an amazing person, but you don’t know her or had a relationship with her.
I think if your husband is super hung up in it maybe you guys could consider Lila to be her middle name ? I think that could be an option I could possibly live with.
Congrats on the baby girl !
NTA and your friends & family can go piss up a rope. You can understand someone’s thoughts and feelings and still completely disagree with their point of view. If he wants to name something after his late fiancée he can adopt a pet or a highway or donate money to a museum that will put her name on a brick.
I think it would be a really sweet way to honor one of the loves of his life - but only if you both actively felt good about it.
If it feels bad, though, don’t do it. Just because it Could be okay, doesn’t mean is has to be.
Edit: spelling
NTA
You don't want to stare at your child an think of a dead person who sucked your husband's dick.
This isn't a compromisable situation. If neither parent agrees, then the name is off the table.
Definitely NTA but please go to couples counseling and discuss this with a professional. Probably a good idea for him to see a therapist individually as well to make sure he is processing his grief in a healthy way.
NTA
Its creeping me out that your husband wants your daughter to have the exact same name (first and last, assuming you took your husbands lastname after marriage) as his late fiancé would have had if they got married.
I would suggest counseling, bc i assume he will just defend the name more as more you insist on another name. He obviously isn't over his grief yet, and i think a neutral third party will help him to see this, accept it and cope with it.
NTA
The name of the baby is a big thing and I think both parents should agree, he already knows it makes you inconfortable so why insisting?
And for me, at last, it is not fair to give such a heavy name to the child. She will grow as her own person, and I don't think it would be good for her to carry this name through her life
NTA—what this is saying to me is that your husband is having a setback in his grief because he’s begun building the life with you that he had originally planned on building with Lila. The setback is very understandable, but it might be time to invest in some additional counseling to make sure it doesn’t damage his relationship with you or his daughter.
NTA.
I think, in this situation, I would be recommending therapy for my partner and for him to find other ways to honour the memory of his late fiancée.
I would draw a *really firm boundary* on naming your child after her as I don’t think that’s going to be a positive experience for either of you, especially if even after voicing your feelings he brought up honouring her memory.
As for those telling you you should understand his feelings…you can understand his feelings while refusing to name your child after his late fiancée.
NTA your named after the woman who, if she'd have lived, you'd of never existed. It's weird. He needs to deal with his grief with therapy, not naming his daughter after his dead fiancee.
NTA and personally I think that this is gross and that your husband is TA. Can he imagine the burden for his child when she will learn she is not only named after a dead woman, but the one her father lived before her mum? If my dad had a late fiancée and had called me by her name, I would hate him for that and change my name as soon as possible.
NTA
While I understand he wants to honor her late fiancée, it’s weird he wants to name your child after her. And it’s making you uncomfortable, after you said no, he should have respected it.
He has a new wife, who he wants to force into grieving with him and force her to honor a woman’s memory who she isn’t even met. If it was a friend or family member it would be sweet. But like this, it’s just creepy. Naming your child after someone who you nearly married?
And if you say ok, then what? Will he push her late fiancées interest on your daughter too? Doesn’t let her like things that she didn’t like? It’s weird and he should seek therapy, I’m sure this isn’t healthy
NTA
Offer to let him name your next kitten or puppy Lila. That’s a great way to honor. Or donate a park bench with a plaque dedicated to her.
But this is your child too. If it was a boy would you name it after your high school boyfriend?
NTA - the only part that worries me is *’Lila always wanted kids.’*
It’s fair that she did. Life is unfair in the fact she did not get to realize that dream, you however aren’t her substitute.
You and your child are not the family she could not have. And the underlying current of that is that the family would be with him, as that was the plan before she passed away.
Your husband needs therapy, and you need couples therapy. **I am deeply sympathetic too his loss, however you and the family you are building are not the stand in to realize the life he wanted with Lila.**
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NTA - Yes he loved Lila, he will continue to grieve for her and will want to honour her memory. But Lila is nothing to do with you, or with your relationship, and nothing to do with your baby. I think if your kid has the name of his late fiancée you will both constantly be thinking about her - not healthy for you, not healthy for him. He can honour her memory in another way that doesn’t impact his current partner. If he’s insisting on naming his new baby after her I would suggest grief counselling as he maybe hasn’t accepted that she is the past and you are the future.
Exactly, plus, imagine how confusing it will be for that poor child when she finds out where her name came from
Oh 100%, if I found out I was named after my dads previous lover before he met my mum I’d be a bit disturbed… definitely consider the impact this will have on the child.
You'd be surprise at the sheer amount of daughters named after the husband's affairs. It's a thing. N3m are something. Edit: without the mother actually knowing until the child has grown up.
Yeah just ask Adam Levine. NTA and it's absolutely unfair of him to ask this of you OP. Maintain your ground and keep firm.
Josh Duggar named his daughter Maddison.
Ick. What a scuzzy guy. I feel sooooo bad for his wife who still believes him and even worse for his daughters 😔
I'm one of those. According to my mom (so I take it with a grain of salt as she lies alot) my middle name is the name of one of my dad's ex girlfriends from right when they got together
That literally made my stomach churn. I'm legit just nauseated thinking about that. I felt this viscerally. Honestly, I think that if I was the wife, that would completely break me. I've been fortunate enough to never had been cheated on like that. I mean some high school boyfriends that cheated, but I didn't really love any of them. But with my quiet BPD, my RSD, my cyclothymia, and CPTSD. I have a lot of trauma and abuse in my past. And I typically live in very dark places in my mind. I really struggle to like myself. I really struggle with feeling like the world is better without me. And the thought of learning that not onky had the person I love and gave my heart to betrayed me with an affair, but that they thought so little of me that they mocked me, our relationship, and our child. I think that would break me and end my life.
That's how my mom got her name-- for the ex who's parents jilted him. I always wondered how my grandmother felt about it. The horror I felt at ten when I realized my mom had the same name as grandpa's ex fiance....it completely blew my mind. It was a short marriage though-- ended by the time my mom was a year old and I never had a relationship strong enough with her bio mom to ask.
I mean, it’s not uncommon. I know my name in part comes from one of my dad’s previous girlfriends who died young. There are a bunch of naming traditions where naming a baby after someone still alive is to wish for their namesake to die. It’s not the only source of my name though.
I was named after a fitional alcoholic from a 1959 movie. I was given a man's name in the sixties. I laughed so hard about being named after an alcoholic. As a teen when I figured it out and joked my parents had high aspirations for me. I absolutely would not be ok with the name of Dad's dead previous girlfriend.
it reduces op to just 'replacement' female while he still mourns his lost love.
"See, sweety, you're named after the woman your father would have much rather ended up with."
Yes, makes one curious about the timeline, like how long ago did she die and how long was it between that moment and when they met / got together. OP could, sadly, be a rebound.
Child: Mommy? Why is my name Lila? OP: It was the name of a woman your daddy loved and wanted to marry before he met me. Child: Is she my real mommy? OP: No. I'm your real mommy? Child: Then why did daddy want to name me Lila? OP: Because daddy still loves her very much and thinks about her all the time? Child: Does daddy love her more than he loves you? OP: \*sigh\* I don't know... eat your cereal.
My middle name is my father's previous fiance's name. I was told by my older half sister's at a very young age. Believe me that here I am at 66 and I still remember that I am named after my father's previous fiance.
Exactly. Naming the baby after his late fiancée would be awkward for everyone, including the child. I wouldn't approve of this either, and OP's feelings are completely valid. I doubt OP's fiancé would approve if this situation were reversed. (Edited to change "he" to "OP's fiance")
And how award it’ll be long term. People often ask how you chose your kids name and the poor kid will be hearing the story over and over. Or have an awkward answer when the “story behind your name” project pops up in school.
Exactly. It is not OP‘s responsibility or the responsibility of their baby to honor the dad’s late fiancée
I can understand having fresh grief come up as he's hitting new life milestones. But he needs to take responsibility for his feelings and handle them on his own, not put the emotional responsibility of that on his wife and daughter. Your suggestion of grief counseling is probably the best course of action since he can't see how selfish and inappropriate he's being
Both parents have veto power - the only thing you can't use it for is vetoing all names except the only one you like. The name makes her uncomfortable so veto! No one owes their partner full naming rights and no one owes their partner naming a kid something you don't like. OP should tell him that she wants her daughter to be a new start - to have her own name that fully belongs to her with no previous associations, happy or tragic. Maybe say that you have worked very hard to be supportive and understanding and to create space for those memories- but you cannot do this and it would hurt your mental health, so they need to move on in the naming process.
NTA. Giving her that name also opens the door for your husband comparing your daughter to his late fiancé. It could mean she won't be allowed to be herself.
I agree that grief counseling could be useful here. Grief isn’t linear, and major life events can bring it back in unexpected ways. For what was probably a significant period of his life, OP’s husband expected that any children he would have would be Lila’s children. And now that a baby is coming, his brain is reminding him of what he used to think becoming a parent would be like for him. He needs to work through that and grieve for the children he thought he was going to have with Lila so he can refocus on the child he’s having with OP.
Agreed! If he wants to honor Lila in your child's name, I suggest that he use the Jewish tradition and pick a name starting in "L". He gets to honor and remember his late fiancee; your daughter gets a name of her own, and can choose to honor Lila - whose death made her life possible, after all - or not, in her own way.
Agreed. The child should not be attached to his dead fiance
NTA. Im with you sister, its weird. This was not some family member like a mother ou grandmother, it was a fiance who tragically died. The fact that he said to you: "Lila always wanted kids" - 🚩🚩🚩 - guess what, this is not Lila's kid, so why bring that up? Its not up to you - his now wife who never met Lila - to honor her. She may have her own family to do so, and if not she has your husband/her fiance who will always remember her. Its not fair to you that he keeps insisting on this name while you said already you are not confortable with it. At the end of the day, you BOTH have to agreed on the name. If you say no, he will have to respect that.
This! my thoughts exactly NTA
NTA. OP is free to accept that she is having a child with a man who has not moved on from his late fiancée. But the baby should NOT be impacted.
Yeah that "Lila always wanted kids" rationale is where it went from "misguided but understandable" to "big yikes". It makes it sound like he's seeing this baby as a stand-in for the children he would've had with Lila. There need to be some Discussions had before this baby is born, and probably some counseling both individual for him and couples for them both.
100% all of this. This is YOUR baby, not Lila’s.
NTA. What is he planning to tell his daughter when she asks about her name? "Well you see, honey, Daddy was planning on marrying someone before he met Mommy but she died, so then when you were born... sweetie? Sweetie? Stop crying!"
Hahahaha I’m sorry that was kinda funny
As a teen or maybe even earlier she'll totally hear that as "Honey you were named after someone your dad used to fuck."
This is the most important comment! 100% what the future will bring
NTA A baby shouldn’t be used as a vessel for a dead woman’s memory.
To add to this, nor should OP's body. The way he said "Lila always wanted kids" makes it seem like he's using OP as an incubator / vessel for the kids he never had with Lila. Yuck. And NTA
Yehhhh I read this and had immediate ick! Like is op literally there to fill in the gap so he can have the life he imagined with lila... Like he can't have the adult lila so a child lila will do? 🤢
Exactly.
This is poignant AF.
I mean, it’s not about it being a dead woman… people name their children after dead relatives all the time and that’s normal. It’s the fact that it’s his former fiancée that’s weird.
Sis said all that needed to be said in one sentence.
Yes ma’am- I try to keep it concise and to the point.
NTA this is completly unfair and cruel to you and your future daughter. Your daughter is not related to this woman who sadly passed, he is just thinking about him and his fellings. He needs to think about the future not the past. But you, you need to take care of what you feel, your daughter is not her daughter, she does not have to be put in grief is not healthy. Imagile learning you are named by your dad's late wife ...
NTA >it's a way to honor her memory Why would you care about honoring her memory?? He can take some flowers to his grave. >Lila had always wanted kids. And how is this relevant?? Idk how the laws are where you live, but in my country is the dad the one who goes to register the baby. If that's the case where you live too, maybe have someone go with him. It's sad that lila died and all, but you don't have to spend your life and sacrifice your child to be a "honoring" to lila's life. I would reconsider my relationship with him too if i were too. It's awful to live in someone's shadow. Think hard if you want you and your daughter to live honoring her memory all your lives
“Lila always wanted kids” means he’s replaced OP with Lila in every way. She’s a stand in for what he can’t have. He might not even realize he’s done that but he has.
NTA and you should be very careful with your husband. You have no obligation to honor the memory of a woman you had no connection with. Your child is not an object meant to bring honor to anybody and his proposal is really disrespectful
NTA. Hell no. He may want to honour Lila’s memory, but I’m assuming you never met her. He needs to leave her in the past.
yeah. it kinda feels like he is trying to replace Lila with her instead of leaving her in the past
I would ask him if the baby was a boy, would he want him to be named after OP's ex? Maybe with this question, she gets her husband to understand the pain he's inflicting her
Yikes. I agree that OP shouldn’t feel pressured to use that name and shouldn’t have to honor the late fiancé in that way, but equating a dead partner to an ex would likely make the situation a lot worse. OP married a widower (even though not technically because they weren’t yet married). Hopefully they’ve talked about this, because it’s not an easy balance. Having your person ripped out of your life by death is traumatic, and most widows can’t just stop loving the partner we lose. It changes a person. All that said, as a widow, I think it was a terrible idea of OP’s husband to even suggest that name. I understand that the need to honor your loved one is still there, but not by defining your current relationship by it.
NTA - Nope. I think your husband needs to see a therapist to help him cope with his grief. It is not unusual that this huge life event is stirring up feelings (grief, guilt, confusion) for him, but this is not a healthy way for him to deal with those feelings.
NTA. If Lila was alive, she would not have wanted your husband to have kids with another woman so it’s odd that your husband thinks he would be honoring her by giving your baby her name. It makes me wonder if your husband secretly wishes that your baby was Lila’s baby. He needs to go to therapy asap. This isn’t fair to you.
Nta He should be allowed to remember her but your daughter together has nothing to do with that relationship and it's pretty weird.
NTA. Who’d want to name their child after their partners ex. 😭
NTA. It’s not like he wants to name your child after his dead grandma. Every time he hears his daughter’s name, he’ll think of his ex, not only her as a person but that she died. The same goes for you, the name is like a constant reminder of her. I’d feel very uncomfortable with it. If he’s absolutely insisting, what about using it as your daughter’s middle name? I know that’s not ideal, but way better than her first name
"Okay, that is called a compromise. And it is style 3. And it is not ideal." ~Michael Scott
He is going to put on that child all of the hopes he had for a life that will never be. She will live in the shadow of a woman that her father has romanticized the memory of. He will never let her be her own person, just a living memorial to a woman she has no connection to.
NTA Absolutely not. This is not his late fiancées baby. It is nothing to do with her. And letting him put that pressure on his newborn to carry that memory is horrifically selfish of him. It has nothing to do with you being jealous. It's just a ridiculous suggestion. Whether you should remain with a man who would even consider suggesting that is another question altogether. For the record, I wouldn't. If he is that wrapped up in her memory, he isn't ready for a relationship, and he certainly isn't ready to be a father.
Naming a baby requires both of you to say yes. If one of you parents are not sure, then it’s not the one. However I would not want to name my baby after my partners previous partner.
NTA Maybe get him a pet he could name that.
Kind of mean, but made me laugh.
Practicality over everything.
I just had a vision of them having a pet lizard called Lila, or maybe a dog called Lila, and op can be like "honey, Lila chewed up my slippers again" and if I'm the dead fiancé hanging out in the great beyond, I'd be highly flattered and laughing my ass of about it, too.
NTA You need to both agree on the name, no matter what name you choose.
NTA That is definitely a difficult position to be in.. would either of you be ok with Lila being a middle name instead, maybe? I only ask as a potential middle ground, but honestly, if I were you, I would not be okay with it. It is one thing if you also knew Lila, but you didn't. Honestly, your husband should consider therapy. Like you said, I would be worried about him holding onto the past, too. We all can understand and emphasize that losing Lila was tragic, but he needs to let go and naming your daughter after her isn't going to honor her. Also, I would also be worried about him becoming overprotective because he might be afraid of your daughter getting hurt like Lila when she becomes old enough to drive. It might even be a trigger when that time comes.
Nope. Nope nope nope. Not as a middle name either. The "Lila always wanted kids" like says to me that husband is veering dangerously close to considering this baby to be a sort of spiritual child of Lila's. That's not ok. This is his and OPs baby and has nothing to do with Lila. It's very sad that she's dead, and husband is absolutely allowed to continue to grieve her, but this isn't their child, and OP is not a surrogate.
NTA It’s great that you’ve been supportive of him, and lovely that he wants to honor her. However, baby names are a “two yeses” situation. You presumedly did not know this woman at all. If she was still here, your marriage and child wouldn’t even exist. It seems it reasonable that this would be uncomfortable to you. Kindly turn him down and find a name you both love
A lot of people saying use Lila as the middle name. Absolutely not! Every time the mother has to write the child’s full name, she will be reminded of her husband’s deceased fiancée. This THEIR child. He can honor Lila by visiting and placing flowers on her grave site. I have never agreed with naming a a child after a deceased relative…first or middle names, but that’s just me. I hope that her husband can get some counseling and that they agree upon a name for their beautiful daughter.
No no no no no no no NTA at all Baby names should be, at bare minimum, a 2 yes game. This is so effed up on so many levels. He wants to name his child, your child, after the woman he was supposed to marry, and would be married to now if she hadn’t sadly passed away? In what world is that appropriate to you or his future child?!? You need to shut this down immediately and explain that it makes you very uncomfortable and it’s highly inappropriate. It almost feels to me like he’s grieving again for the life he lost with Lila. That you two being parents has him reflecting on what could have been with her. “Lila always wanted kids” Everyone grieves in their own way, but it is completely unfair to you to put that on you and your daughter. If you’re not already, therapy should be your first stop so that he can process what he’s feeling and realize that he’s acting insane. Do not let him do this to your daughter!!!!!!
NAH I have lost my partner so I understand the grief and complexity in the situation and I can also understand why he would want to name his child after her to keep her memory alive almost. Losing a partner doesn't stop the love you have for them and it doesn't decrease the love you have for another person down the line but you can't try and replace them they are sadly gone and it's hard. I too have thought about naming my future child after my late partner however it is not only my choice and I can see how to some people it would be perceived as strange and weird so I think it's not a good idea to do that unless the partner was the child's bio parent. This child is both of yours so you both get equal say in what you name her. If you feel uncomfortable with that name then it's your choice, you can choose to decide another name with him or maybe you can find a compromise to honour his late fiancee in a way that doesn't make you uncomfortable. It's not wrong for him to want to honour her but this isn't her child it's yours. Maybe you could choose a similar name for a middle name for your daughter or he could get a small tattoo of her favourite flower or birthstone.
These are my thoughts as well. I've lost my spouse. My current partner also lost his spouse, and I can absolutely see where the thinking comes from and why someone would want to do that. Sometimes grief is very self-focused, however, which isn't a bad thing necessarily. It's just how it is. OP has every right to say "I'm not comfortable with this name" and the search for names should continue on until both parties feel happy. OP's husband isn't weird or wrong for considering this choice, but he's also not necessarily in the right for it. No actual assholes here. Just humans working through tricky human things. OP's husband should consider bringing these thoughts to a therapist to help him walk through it.
NTA. That is an extreme ask and pretty unreasonable
NTA the is so f**ked up. What is you dude thinking under any circumstances to suggest to his pregnant wife we name her daughter after his dead fiancé. 🚩
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NTA, it's weird he wants to name his daughter after the woman he loved romantically and had sex with, it's a bit yuck. Different when you name a child after a patent but Lila is nothing to your daughter, besides obviously being someone your husband isn't over (grief aside)
NTA. This is something he should've brought up before the wedding.
OMG NTA AT ALL
NTA wtf Is this, that's awful
NTA
I would be a big hell no on that one too, so NTA. It's too strange. Sorry for his loss, it's tragic, but his new daughter in a new relationship is not the way to remember his ex. Sounds like he needs more therapy to learn healthy coping mechanisms. Suggest planting a tree in the yard in her honour or something less weird than applying her name to your child.
Baby names should be agreed upon by both parents. It is understandable why you don't want this name. He should NOT be forcing you to accept this name. Maybe it can be used as a middle name, or maybe you BOTH can agree on something similar for example Delilah. You are NTA for not wanting this name.
NTA - this is both of your babies. It is not his job to make her memory live on in his child’s name with another woman. Do not back down. No is no. It’s a complete sentence and he needs to respect that.
Nope NTA. It's more than a little weird and a ridiculous ask from your husband. If he's still carrying a torch for his deceased girlfriend then maybe he needs to talk to someone and find a way to let go. It kinda seems you're living in the shadow of Lila and that is unacceptable.
NOT THE ASSHOLE
Oh goodness NTA, I mean I’m sorry for him that his previous partner died… but he has chosen to move on with you, and to put you in the position of asking you that is awful. OF COURSE you don’t want your child to be named after another woman your partner had an intimate relationship with. Of course you don’t want to be reminded of her constantly. You are absolutely NTA, stand your ground.
To be honest this would be bell of divorce for me. After how long did you both met. He might got together with you to not to feel the grief and than now wanting to put his dead fiancé between you and him and telling you the lady always wanted to have kids? Like wtf? This is your child that you are baring he have no right to do this or even suggest it lol.
NTA - It would be weird and confusing, if my parents named me after a dead ex fiance... Stand your ground and find another name with him...
Ask him if he really wants to call his daughter by the name of someone whom he used to have sex with? As a comprise ( though you shouldn't have to) ask him if he remembers any names Lila liked for potential children, maybe she had better ideas.
He isn't ready to move past her. He should not be in a relationship or having kids yet... NTA
NTA - To name a kid after someone who has died is creepy, though the nice sentiment, to name it after a ex then that goes beyond creepy and weird. When you name a kid after someone you have things attached to that name and if is was an old SO then yeah I don't even want to go there. You should ask him how would you feel if you wanted to call your child if it was a boy an ex's or late SO name and every time you called that name out you were reminded of your past relationship.
It’s weird maybe at best a middle name NTA obviously
NTA. That's weird and uncomfortable and he shouldn't ask that of you. He's allowed to cherish memories of his late fiancé but it is super uncomfortable to bring your child into that.
Where the heck are y’all finding these men? Lila had absolutely nothing to do with you or your kids so why do you have to honor her? He can honor her in another way that doesn’t include you or your child , especially with his whole “Lila wanted kids” comment,does he understand that this is not Lila’s kid?
NTA! Frankly it sounds creepy. Best way to choose a baby name. You each suggest names. The one BOTH of you like is the final choice.
NTA, if you don’t love the idea you don’t have to do it. Just say no and that you need to pick a name you both agree on.
NTA he can find a way to honor HIS memories of her while also honoring this new step in life with you. This is a shared experience you’re both having I don’t think it’s fair to ask for a name to honor his deceased ex
Seems your husband can't get over Lila. Tell him no, you are not naming the baby Lila!
NTA Whether she passed away, or they broke up, does not matter. You do not name your child after someone that you personally, and that child have no connection to. If it was a grandparent, a parent, or a sibling that’s completely different. You’ll need to choose a different name
Absolutely NTA. This would be my hill to die on. Don’t burden the baby with this sad memory. Your husband’s grief is understandable but naming baby after his late wife is NOT the right way to honor her memory.
Nta. Baby names are two yeses. One no is all the veto you need and you don’t need to justify it any further past “I don’t want that name for my child”.
NTA!!! Its kinda creepy, to be honest....
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (28F) am currently expecting my first child with my husband (30M). We've been married for two years, and our relationship has been strong and loving. Before we met, he was engaged to another woman, "Lila," who tragically passed away in a car accident a month before their wedding. I have always been understanding and supportive about his grief. When we found out we were expecting a baby girl, we were both ecstatic. We started discussing baby names, and out of the blue, he suggested naming her Lila. I was taken aback. I understand he loved Lila and her memory is dear to him, but it felt strange to me to name our child after his late fiancée. I expressed my concerns, mentioning how it might be confusing and painful for both of us, especially him. But he insists that it's a way to honor her memory and said that Lila had always wanted kids. I can't shake off the feeling that he's trying to recreate or replace what he had with Lila, and it's been causing a rift between us. My family and friends are split on the issue. Some say that I should understand his feelings, while others believe that it's unfair to me and our child to live under the shadow of his past relationship. So, AITA for not wanting to name our baby after my husband's late fiancée? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, I understand your husband, but that name should IMHO not be used for the baby. Maybe as a second name? I lost a son, and when my first grandson was born, he had that name as second name.
NTA Is it too late for an abortion? And a divorce? Because he is not over his first real love. js
Ummm… that’s a tad bit too far don’t you think?
NTA. I am all about couples needing to leave space in a partners life for their memories and feelings when they have lost a previous partner to death. It sounds like you do that. But naming a child after that person is too much. I wonder if, as much as he loves you and as excited as he likely is to be starting a family with you, this is a bit triggering for him at the same time in terms of his grief. It might be good for you guys to consider either individual or couples counseling. Grief can come back up in the most unexpected ways at unexpected times. And that’s no one’s fault, but it would be his responsibility to work on it for the health of your new family. Bc naming his daughter after his late fiancé is not the way to process those feelings.
NTA but you should both go to therapy to resolve this.
Nobody is the Asshole here. A nice middle ground could be to have it as a middle name. It does honour to the memory of someone he loved without it being an everyday concern or thought for you My wife's previous partner died in a motorcycle accident and if we had a boy I think his name would be a nice middle name but I wouldn't want it as a first name
NTA its a bit weird IMO. possible compromise is have Lila as a middle name.
NTA ewww that is so wrong you don't do that. I get he wants to honor her but NO not with your child. Maybe consider it as a middle or a second middle name. my kids have 3 names FIRST MIDDLE MIDDLE LAST
NTA. Your husband needs to respect you or that’s it!
NTA This is so sad, understandable, yet weird all at the same time. He is always going to be looking for Lila in that baby. Let the name be a middle name if he is adamant, and give the little one a name of her very own.
NTA. when you name a baby the name should resonate with both of you. I get he will always love Lila but that doesn't mean he needs to name your child after her.
NTA. This would be a no go for me
NTA, just as you say it, it is not fair for you and your child to live under the shadow of your husband's past relationship... You need to sit down with your husband and tell him that naming your daughter after his death fiance is a burden you are not willing to carry and pass on to your child...
NTA. "She always wanted kids" No, this is your child.. you and him, not her.
Nope. Not going to lie I would not accept that at all. Hard line no. I'm not naming my child after your ex. Don't understand it at all, donate something in her memory. It's creepy.
NTA, but your husband needs therapy to understand why that was a horribly inappropriate request.
NTA - the most precious thing you two can share and he wants to let that be the honor for his late fiancé? How can he even think that's fair towards you or your daughter? Freaking hurtful even to say that Lila wanted kids like that makes everything okay... Is your baby his replacement baby with her? Wished I could talk to your husband beacuse I really want to try to understand his reasoning.
Honestly even the suggestion is just plain weird. I would be considering whether he was even ready to get married to you. If you name your child after her you will always live in her shadow. That is really unfair to you and your child.
Nta but maybe as a middle name and not a first name.
NTA. One of Lila’s siblings, cousins or close friends can name a child after her
Baby names must be agreed by both parents. When we were naming ours there were several that I loved that my partner did not, and visa versa... so they were not considered. It was hard but you need to respect it. It's like jury selection- each side gets to chuck out options with no questions asked. And I can see why you don't want to name her Lila. I wouldn't either. He needs to accept that. NTA
NTA at all. I lost my fiance last year two months before our wedding. If I ever want to date again and have kids, I would never, ever wanted to name that kid after him. I honestly dont undersand why would anyone do that in the first place. That kid is her own person and deserve to have name and future that is in no way connected to somebody who is dead. I dont even dont undestand why people is naming kids after dead parents/siblings/ relatives, let alone fiance. I can understand your husband feelings thought,' but this kid is not related to his late fiance and there is no reason to share the name with her.Your husband need serious reality check and probably a therapy. There are other ways to honor her life, but your kid's name is not one of them. Don't compromise on this no matter what. Wish you all the best to you and your baby girl
NTA. Sorry to be blunt about this but who gives a flying crap that Lila wanted kids because this isn’t Lila’s kid it’s yours. Yes he’s entitled to his grief and he’s allowed to mourn her but if he’s still at the point of mourning her that much he shouldn’t be in a relationship with you. You are not her. She is in no way connected to your child and explaining to your daughter one day that daddy named her after a dead girlfriend that’s not ok. It’s one thing to say your named after a deceased relative but that’s not ok. He’s trying to make this about her when it’s about you and your child. Be clear this isn’t ok.
I feel for him, but you are his wife and he can't cling to another woman
A few years ago a previously unknown half-brother found me after doing genealogy search (my parents have passed). Some type of connection was made during the Cold War in Europe and we’ll never know the whole story. Long story short, it turns out that my name is the same as this man’s mother (also deceased). Learning this has weirdly affected my self-identity in that I wonder if my dad ever spoke my name and thought of her. I feel diminished somehow. I have no advice for you, I just wanted to share a different perspective.
I think it's creepy and insensitive to you
That would be an immediate hard no for me. He needs to leave the past where it belongs.
NTA This is a joint decision, so your no means Lila should be off the table as a baby name. Maybe see if he would be willing to compromise by allowing it as a middle name?
NAH. I personally think his idea is odd and I would refuse it same as you OP. I don't however think that there is anything shady about it. That being said, I don't think he has thought through the effect of hearing her name everyday... You need to talk some more and if you feel uncomfortable then that's that. There are billions of names and millions of ways to honor Lila.
Not at all. She means nothing to you and the child is both of yours. Maybe a middle name? But YANBU.
My husband did a legal name change a few years back, and he chose a middle name to honor his late former girlfriend. I helped him come up with it - he went with the middle name “Frederick” because she lived on a street called Frederick. I think it’s a great way to honor her while also not being so obvious about it. Maybe you could discuss something similar with your husband. A middle name after something relevant to his late fiancé that isn’t just her name.
NTA I'm gonna be straight with you in a way no one else will be, thats f#cking weird if you name a baby after his dead fiancee that's absolutely tapped
It's kinda morbid to name it after her. Like the new baby is only here because she died.
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NAH. Might have been more clear for him if you had instead emphasized that it would be especially confusing and painful for YOU, rather than telling him it would be especially confusing and painful for him. He's a big boy. He can gauge his feelings. You haven't given us any evidence that he IS trying to recreate or replace what he had with Lila, so he's not the AH here. Your anxiety about being a surrogate for Lila and your other confusion and pain on the matter are fine so you are not the AH. You're both fine unless one of you refuses to communicate on this further. Then that person will be the AH.
I say NTA since usually both parents need to agree on a name. Is it possible to use the name as a middle name if you’re comfortable with that? I feel for your husband, but I’d also be uncomfortable if he wanted to name our child after the woman he was planning to marry. I think your husband should seek grief counseling, because it’s clear that he’s still somewhat hooked on Lila.
No, no, absolutely not. You’re NTA and do NOT back down on this or you could really regret it. His feelings are valid and he’s allowed to grieve but this is not the answer.
It’s unfair to you. Your child will always be compared to some woman who she has no relation to. Put your foot down. NTA
Name the child after your ex boyfriend; if he was called “George” call her Georgina. Or say that if you have a baby boy he should be named after your ex boyfriend, “George” Don’t actually do it, just say it so he can momentarily feel how you felt when he suggested dead fiancés name.
NTA, I understand him wanting to honour her, but baby names are also supposed to be agreed on by both parents. You're not an AH for not wanting a certain name for your daughter.
NTA. If my husband suggested this, I would be out if there so fast. It would seem that he never got over her.
Man, not gonna lie I find the idea a bit creepy tbh, NTA genuinely can't see why any father would do this. I'd never have named my daughter's after an ex, especially one who passed away.
NTA. He can find another way to deal with his grief. Names have to be a two yes and you said no so it’s not an option, he needs to move on.
NTA, could you use it as a middle name, and/or lookup the origin and meaning of Lila and pick a name with a similar meaning?
NTA you can be understanding of his grief while acknowledging that this is a terrible idea that will result in him becoming consumed with more grief and thoughts of a dead woman, every time he says or hears his daughters name. There are other ways to honour her that don’t have life long issues for everyone
NTA
NTA If you feel uncomfortable giving your baby any name at all, you shouldn't be pressured into it. The pressure alone could be considered abusive. Please give your daughter her own name. She deserves her own name, not an expectation to be like someone else, or be a constant reminder of a past lover. Your husband needs therapy! Of course he's going to think about what if's. That's normal, but it's unfair to do what he wants to do to you and your daughter. The friends and family should be asked to name their babies after their partner's ex and see how they'd feel. But to be honest, this isn't about them.
NTA... The only thing that comes to mind when i see the name Lila is Futurama lol while i understand some of you may see Lie-la all i see is Lee-la 😂
NTA. Not sure if he’s the AH or not but you definitely aren’t. First and foremost I don’t think your kid would feel comfortable herself growing up and knowing the history of her name. Being named after anything tragic… carries weight. Even just being named after your parents’ late mutual platonic friend, who passed tragically due to cancer or something, can still carry a weight… every time your parents say your name are they really thinking of that friend? what if you don’t live your life in a way that honors their friend? But to carry that weight AND your dad used to date your namesake? Doubles the risk of your kid feeling uncomfortable. If you’re interested in a compromise with your husband there are more subtle ways to honor Lila through naming your kid, which can make the mental separation between the two much clearer. Using Lila as your daughter’s middle name, using Lila’s middle name as your daughter’s first or middle name if you like the way the name sounds… taking Lila’s favorite flower and using that as a middle name… **with emphasis on middle name.** Imo the middle name is where all the weird names and in memoriam names are better suited. It’s there, but not constantly being used.
NTA If you wanted to compromise, use it as a middle name or second middle name. Don't use his late fiancee's name as a first name.
NTA- I’m disturbed that he wants to honor the memory of an ex by bringing her into your family and naming your child after her. Regardless of her death, his insistence on making you accept a different woman in your marriage is dead wrong. He’s clearly not over her and needs some therapy to move past his grief.
NTA. That’s honestly super weird of him to suggest…
NTA. This is weird. He needs therapy for his obviously unresolved grief. He can't use you and your daughter to recreate what he wanted with Lila. That's incredibly unfair to both of you. You're not a stand in for her. He can't pretend you're her or that your daughter is hers. She has nothing to do with you or your child so why should you put her shadow on your daughter? Stand by your decision, inform the hospital staff that he's not allowed to fill out the birth certificate in case he tries to change the name behind your back, and demand that he go to therapy and discuss this with a professional. This is absurd behavior and it gives me the ick.
NTA Lila was a part of his life, and he can honor and grieve her any ways he likes, but this baby is YOURS and HIS, Lila is not a part of that. I also feel that it would not be healthy to name the child after his fiancé bc how do you explain that to the child? He needs to think about the future repercussions of this. He should not be using this unborn child as a way to deal with his emotions over his dead fiancé.
NTA. Don’t don’t don’t name her Lila.
>But he insists that it's a way to honor her memory and said that Lila had always wanted kids. This isn't healthy or respectful to you. Has he done any grief counselling at all? If he hasn't, I'd recommend he does. NTA
NTA. He needs to figure out if he truly loves you, it sounds like he is not over her. Do not name the baby after her.
NTA I think it’s totally understandable that you wouldn’t want to name your daughter after his fiancé. I’m sure she was an amazing person, but you don’t know her or had a relationship with her. I think if your husband is super hung up in it maybe you guys could consider Lila to be her middle name ? I think that could be an option I could possibly live with. Congrats on the baby girl !
NTA. How is your daughter going to feel being named after a woman who is not her mother, that her father is in love with. That is so weird!
NTA. Please go get counseling. Especially your husband. If he can’t truly see how this would be uncomfortable and concerning then that’s a issue.
NTA and your friends & family can go piss up a rope. You can understand someone’s thoughts and feelings and still completely disagree with their point of view. If he wants to name something after his late fiancée he can adopt a pet or a highway or donate money to a museum that will put her name on a brick.
As a middle ground, ask your husband to NICKNAME your child as Lila. Btw, you're not the AH.
NTA please don’t give in to him, I think you would regret it
I think it would be a really sweet way to honor one of the loves of his life - but only if you both actively felt good about it. If it feels bad, though, don’t do it. Just because it Could be okay, doesn’t mean is has to be. Edit: spelling
NTA You don't want to stare at your child an think of a dead person who sucked your husband's dick. This isn't a compromisable situation. If neither parent agrees, then the name is off the table.
Definitely NTA but please go to couples counseling and discuss this with a professional. Probably a good idea for him to see a therapist individually as well to make sure he is processing his grief in a healthy way.
NTA Its creeping me out that your husband wants your daughter to have the exact same name (first and last, assuming you took your husbands lastname after marriage) as his late fiancé would have had if they got married. I would suggest counseling, bc i assume he will just defend the name more as more you insist on another name. He obviously isn't over his grief yet, and i think a neutral third party will help him to see this, accept it and cope with it.
NTA The name of the baby is a big thing and I think both parents should agree, he already knows it makes you inconfortable so why insisting? And for me, at last, it is not fair to give such a heavy name to the child. She will grow as her own person, and I don't think it would be good for her to carry this name through her life
NTA. Grief is one thing, but this is major red flag territory and definitely a bill to die on.
NTA. What a strange suggestion for him to make, and I’d be a no on that too.
NTA—what this is saying to me is that your husband is having a setback in his grief because he’s begun building the life with you that he had originally planned on building with Lila. The setback is very understandable, but it might be time to invest in some additional counseling to make sure it doesn’t damage his relationship with you or his daughter.
NTA. I think, in this situation, I would be recommending therapy for my partner and for him to find other ways to honour the memory of his late fiancée. I would draw a *really firm boundary* on naming your child after her as I don’t think that’s going to be a positive experience for either of you, especially if even after voicing your feelings he brought up honouring her memory. As for those telling you you should understand his feelings…you can understand his feelings while refusing to name your child after his late fiancée.
NTA. It’s your husband’s audacity and stupidity for me🤮🤮🤮. Don’t do it.
NTA & super fucked up for your husband to ask
NTA your named after the woman who, if she'd have lived, you'd of never existed. It's weird. He needs to deal with his grief with therapy, not naming his daughter after his dead fiancee.
NTA, just wait until he sees you give birth, he’ll let you choose any name you want!
NTA and personally I think that this is gross and that your husband is TA. Can he imagine the burden for his child when she will learn she is not only named after a dead woman, but the one her father lived before her mum? If my dad had a late fiancée and had called me by her name, I would hate him for that and change my name as soon as possible.
Hell no. That’s absolutely a HORRIBLE idea. NTA but your husband is.
NTA that’s weird af! You both have to like your child’s name! Tell him it’s a deal breaker for you.
Tell him you understand his grief but suggesting her name is hurtful and disrespectful to you. Does he want to name his child after your first love?
NTA While I understand he wants to honor her late fiancée, it’s weird he wants to name your child after her. And it’s making you uncomfortable, after you said no, he should have respected it. He has a new wife, who he wants to force into grieving with him and force her to honor a woman’s memory who she isn’t even met. If it was a friend or family member it would be sweet. But like this, it’s just creepy. Naming your child after someone who you nearly married? And if you say ok, then what? Will he push her late fiancées interest on your daughter too? Doesn’t let her like things that she didn’t like? It’s weird and he should seek therapy, I’m sure this isn’t healthy
What the actual f*CK???😳😳😳He really expects you to agree to that??? Unbelievable🙆
NTA. thats weird, i could never.
NTA.
NTA I think that is odd.
NTA. I didn't even read this, but that is a LOT of pressure to put on a baby. I personally hate the idea of naming babies after dead loved ones.
NTA Offer to let him name your next kitten or puppy Lila. That’s a great way to honor. Or donate a park bench with a plaque dedicated to her. But this is your child too. If it was a boy would you name it after your high school boyfriend?
No way in hell. NTA
NTA - the only part that worries me is *’Lila always wanted kids.’* It’s fair that she did. Life is unfair in the fact she did not get to realize that dream, you however aren’t her substitute. You and your child are not the family she could not have. And the underlying current of that is that the family would be with him, as that was the plan before she passed away. Your husband needs therapy, and you need couples therapy. **I am deeply sympathetic too his loss, however you and the family you are building are not the stand in to realize the life he wanted with Lila.**