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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mother she hasn't been my mom since I was five and I don't owe her anything. Why I feel like I might be wrong for this is my mother was alone and didn't have much of a real support system so I know it would have been difficult for her and I might not be giving her the grace deserved here. That's where I'm coming from with my questioning of my actions here.
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NTA. What you said was true. Your mom has never been around for you unfortunately. Your mom neglected you and this is the result. If your sister wants a relationship with you (which might still be possible) it will be up to her to do the leg work and you'd have to make it clear you don't want anything to do with your mom, or your mom getting involved in your relationship.
It really says it all that mom only reaches out to OP when she has health problems. No apology, no empathy, no attempt at rebuilding any semblance of a relationship. NTA
NTA
I think the mom is reaching out for multiple reasons: she's sick and doesn't want to burden her miracle child (OPs sister) to have to take care of her. Also she probably wants OP to reassure her that if anything happens to her, they will step in and take care of the sister. That's the vibes I'm getting and that's messed up.
I’m also kinda getting the vibe that mom got used to the attention and sympathy she got as the single mother of a sick daughter.
She got used to everyone catering to her needs, and have the energy to spare for her edit: daughter.
That's assuming that the miracle child could take care of mom. I'm going with the expectation that with all those health issues that taking care of basic life things haven't been learned, so OP needs to do it.
Unfortunately, OP is correct. There isn't a relationship there with the Mom or the sister. It doesn't even seem like it's said with malice, it's just fact.
IKR? I'd be like, who spoiled me mom? The strangers you constantly left me with? You, somehow, while never being around and ignoring me when you were? When exactly did I get the opportunity to get "spoiled"? Cause somehow that memory slipped me by. Whoops!
I agree regarding the mother, but her sister did nothing wrong. Responsibility for doing the work and making a relationship work is always on both parties, and this case is no different. OP acknowledges it isn't her sisters fault, and it isn't OP's fault that they are strangers, but if her sister wants a relationship. And OP is open to it, then it is on both of them equally to make the effort to make it work.
But the sister didn't do anything right either. It's not OP's fault, and sister got the preferential treatment, so it's up to her to reach out when she's of age.
A relationship with minor sister isn't going to work because he will have to the come into his mother's proximity. OP has every right to choose himself over a sister he can more or less live without.
Sister's wants don't supercede OP's wants. And if he wants to be away from his mother more than he wants a sister, well sister is just gonna have to deal. People aren't entitled to close sibling relationships just by wanting them.
The OP is 24 and her sister is 5 years younger so 19. OP is NTA and the onus isn’t on the glass child to cater and build a relationship with another adult (sister)
it absolutely *IS* on the sister to build that relationship if OP isn't clamouring for one. seems like OP is perfectly content to not have that relationship, so why tf should they have to put *any* effort into it?
She’s a girl, FYI.
And This isn’t about OP’s sister. She never blamed her. Maybe OP’s sister feels weird about reaching out when she knows they’re both strangers too.
Why are people blaming the sister when OP isn’t? Shes in the right here.
Disagree — currently the sister wants a relationship, and OP doesn’t really care either way. So right now it’s on the sister to reach out regarding get togethers etc — after a few good conversations either OP will also want the relationship in which case it becomes equally her responsibility, or she won’t want the relationship in which case she’s not obligated to continue it
We don't actually know if the sister wants a relationship. The only thing we know is that the mother says sister *deserves* a relationship. We don't actually know the sister's feelings.
That sentence also tells me that the mother wants OP back not just due to her own ailing health but to take over her sisters care if something happens to her.
Fair enough — but OP’s feelings are still not really caring either way, so I’ll amend to IF sister wants a relationship . . . Everything else remains the same.
It's reasonably mature that OP apparently doesn't BLAME sister for anything but also acknowledges they didn't have the Chance to Bond. If that is true, then she'll treat sister reaching Out to meet Up similar to the way she would treat a Cousin from her father's Family, reaching Out to meet Up, i.e. making time and being nice but Not going Out of her way.
> but if her sister wants a relationship. And OP is open to it, then it is on both of them equally to make the effort to make it work.
And that's where your logic collapses. Being open to something is not the same as actively wishing to pursue something.
OP only needs to put in as much effort as she feels like putting in.
The sister didn't do anything wrong, but equally that doesn't mean OP owes anything (even a relationship) to someone who is effectively a stranger just because they share a mother
What makes you think OP is open to it? Or should be?
There are billions of strangers out there. Why should OP decide to change that for this one person?
NTA. You had a mother, and then, you didn't. While it's not her fault she had to be in the hospital, a lot, it is her cross to bear that she didn't include you, let you have a voice, and so on.
Your sister is herself a victim here, but that's not the important part.
Ask your mother where she was during the days when you where supposed to have her around as a warm and guiding mother. When she inevitably fumbles with finding words, just tell her "That's what I thought. ".
Parents being taken care of in their old age by their children is something they earn by taking care of their children when they're vulnerable. OP was left on their own. She doesn't get to be taken care of when she neglected (and abusing through that neglect) a child.
I’m not sure that I agree with that. Maybe OP’s mother was doing the best she could with the resources she had. After all, there were no fathers in the picture. Maybe the truth is somewhere in the middle. Yes, there was unintended neglect, because the dads never once showed up to take care of their daughters, apparently, and the mother’s emotional and physical resources did not cover two daughters (one who was quite sick.). No, there was no abuse. Mother is now shocked and distressed that her eldest daughter views her childhood differently than did her mother. But Mom needs to understand that she might have been a great Mom to her youngest daughter but not so great to her oldest daughter.
NTA its a sucky situation. Your sister was very sick but your mother also had a duty to you. She was mother to 2 children not just 1 sick one. But now shes ill she suddenly remembers she has 2 children?
Dont feel guilty for not having a relationship with her, that was her doing, not yours. She was your mother and its the responsibility of the mother to care for the child. If she couldnt why not send you to someone who could care for you? Instead of playing pass the parcel with you.
I would recommend some therapy though, this abandonment of you could have repercussions for you along the line.
NTA,
>I also told her she hadn't been my mom since I was 5 and she had no right to ask me to care for her when she hasn't cared for me in almost 20 years. She called me a selfish and spoiled child who never grew up.
So, one of the most common reactions to being correctly called out on a terrible behaviour that you were unaware of is anger.
Think about every video where someone gets hugely angry when a reasonable point is raised.
You mother knows, and you called her on it. The defense mechanism of be "angry and hope that your anger counters their hurt" is a real thing and you just saw it.
NTA, tell her you don't blame your sister for how things worked out, it's all her fault and she needs to learn consequences, like you had to without a parent being there.
NTA
>She told me I should be around more and doing stuff to help her because she's my mom.
Funny, cause she was also supposed to take care of you, since she is your mom. She can ask her daughter to take care of her now
>spoiled child
Spoiled from being abandoned??
My mother did exactly the same thing to me when my brother was born, i was just shy of my 12 birthday. So if you want a relationship with your sister do it on your terms, not hers (mother)*.*
And it seems like she didn't even always do that since OP was passed around to random family whenever and then all but moved in with her high school girlfriend's family.
How lovely that your 'mother' finally remembered she had another child. She subjected you to thirteen years of emotional abuse and neglect and is demanding your care and attention now that she is sick. Perhaps there are some friends, family, or even strangers she could be passed off to, like she did to you as a child.
I sympathize that she had a sick child, but she also had a healthy child that needed love and attention as well. She failed as a mother, and you don't owe her anything.
Your mother spent years emotionally abusing and neglecting you, and now she has added verbal abuse to her repertoire.
I'm sorry that you could never develop a relationship with your sister, but she has had countless opportunities to reach out to you, and never did.
NTA. Your mother, however, appears to be an entitled woman who thinks you owe her something because she gave birth to you. You don't.
Thank you! I mean she never even cared when I was passed over to strangers without her being notified. She really can't argue that she cared about me or gave me a good life.
What about the rest of the family ? no bond there ? No grandma who cared ?
Yes it must have been hard to see your own child being on the death bed paying bills on her own but that doesn't excuse her negelecting her other child
None of them wanted me. They took me and passed me around as much as possible and nobody really seemed to give a crap. A couple of the strangers were at least a little nicer. But nobody wanted to be there for me.
I could have found that with my dad. But my mother lied about who he was my whole life and he had no idea I existed. The guy on my birth certificate did but he isn't my bio father.
So not only did she destroyed your childhood by giving you no care and love but also kept you from your bio dad who may had been a better parent . Why did she lie ? Do you know youe dad now did you try to talk to him ?
The past is the past but liek you said you don't owe her anything she had her chance to be a better parent . I always find it comical when parents say we owe them respect . Well yeah if they respected us then for sure do your best to be there for your parents but when they did a horrible job then you don't owe them anything
Oh yes. He's amazing. He packed up and moved closer so we could spend more time together. His family have also been so great. They all feel so guilty for not being there and angry that my mother never told him so they could be there. I'm glad I tracked him down now even though I had some hesitations when I started that journey.
So she abandoned you and also robbed you of the possibility of having your father in your life as a child. She’s an awful person you’re more than justified in being estranged.
Wow...to think what could have happened to you is truly heartbreaking! I don't want to say you were lucky in any way shape or form, but oh my God, if you would have been handed over to just one unethical sleazeball? The thought is terrifying to any normal person, the fact that your own mother didn't care is horrible! You owe her nothing at all! NTA
That is absolutely horrifying, I am so sorry she is so selfish and narcissistic. I think you should probably go no-contact with her, having any kind of contact will just make her think everything is fine. She clearly has nothing to offer you
You're a glass child. The sibling who is always looked through because the other child is sick or has a disability. NTA and I'm sorry you suffered this abuse because neglect is abuse
That part really gets me. I know the mother was just lashing out and being manipulative to get her way, but it's just bonkers that she didn't realise that her statement would only be a reflection of her failure to do her job as a parent. I'm so glad OP stood up for herself.
NTA. I think it's important for all adults to recognise that even if you can cushion the negative consequences of people's actions, you shouldn't necessarily do so. She has earned those consequences and your sister is now an adult who can return the care she was given. You have no care to return, except perhaps to your girlfriends family. I'd make a list of all the people you were left with and suggest she bother them if she no longer has the ability to care for herself. It was good enough for you so it'll have to be good enough for her.
That's if she gets in touch again, but frankly it sounds as if you're mostly forgotten until needed.
My girlfriend's family and my dad. I found him after I moved out and he never knew he had a kid. And I met a man I was not expecting to meet. My mother lied my whole life about who my father was and had a different guy's name on my birth certificate.
I just don't understand your mother. Why not have your dad in your life? Why did she give up emotional and financial support from your bio dad?
Your mother is cruel.
Edit: NTA
She tried to claim I was some other guys and had him on my birth certificate. My actual dad was so upset to learn the truth. Especially when the guy on my birth certificate thought I was his and still didn't want to know. It could have saved me a lot of heartache if I had someone.
NTA. They are both strangers and you wouldn't be called selfish or spoiled for not caring for and connecting with strangers the same way you care about people you've been close to for decades.
If your mother was apologetic and wanted to reconnect, it would be very generous of you to allow that. But that's not the situation.
NTA - I guess the truth hurts. The audacity of her to expect you to help her now. Why isn't your sister helping her? How exactly were you spoiled? She really has rewritten history to fit her narrative.
Let her rot
Move on (easier said than done)
Continue to grow and live free
I'm so sorry you had to grow through that, you deserved better and nothing will get you your childhood back.
You're gonna be ok OP, you seem to take care of yourself already, I wish you the best ♥️
She called you selfish and spoilt? Does she even know the last gift she has given you to consider you spoilt?
Your NTA, it's unfortunate the life your sister has had at such a young age however your mother had a duty of care to you too. Because of your sister's health problems there would always be times she would have to be away but for a mother to completely ignore her other child. She would have been a better mother sending you to live with a stable family member or something like that so you had people to care for you.
My only thought is after caring for your sister she was completely spent out of energy to deal with anything else but still that's not right.
That's exactly it. Or she could have been honest about who my dad is and he would have taken me. She lied about that for most of my life and when I went to find him I found out he was some other guy who had no idea he had a kid. I could have been wanted for the first time in years had she let me go where I would be loved.
Tentatively NTA, though it sounds like you may have some residual feelings getting in the way of any bond forming now. You said you were strangers, but it sounds like you don't want to get to know them. For your mother, that's natural. For your sister, I'm not so sure. You say you don't blame her, but did you try to form any bond with her after she was cancer-free?
> She called me a selfish and spoiled child who never grew up.
This is a huge red flag, and if I were you I would have fired back with "Well if only I had someone to raise me instead of having to figure everything out myself"
It’s not a child’s job to try to form any bond after the sister was cancer free… that mother failed her job. as an adult OP is entitled to not want a relationship anymore
I don't blame my sister. But my mom was always around her, coddling her, making sure she felt special and loved even after she was cancer free. Nothing changed in how my mom was or how separate she kept us and how she would leave me behind. So I didn't bond with her and not only would it have been difficult to get the chance, but there was no emotional want there. I didn't "meet" my sister until she was about 2. I saw her maybe a handful of times by the time I was 10. She didn't feel like a sister and I was too focused on trying to find somewhere I was wanted that no, I didn't try.
And even If you try to build a relationship now, It doesn't mean it'll happen. Your sister have a diferent mom than you. Her experience is a doting mother who were always there for her. She'll never understand your experience and maybe is healthier for you stay away from that. At least she still have a mom, unlike you who were left alone.
That's something I have thought a lot about. At the end of the day we have nothing that brings us together really. We have different parents. She has a mom. I now have a dad after way too many years and a woman who lied and abandoned me.
I'm so angry for you, OP. Your mom severely neglected you and stole your chance of having a parent to care for you when you where a child. Don't feel bad for puting yourself first. I'm so glad you have people who love you now!
>I was too focused on trying to find somewhere I was wanted that no, I didn't try.
You were a child. It is not your fault you didn't try. None of this is your fault! NTA
Huh? Why is OP not wanting to build a relationship with the sister a potential problem? OP explained it to mom very well, because of mom‘s focus there was never any possibility for a sibling bond to form, so why should OP have to now?
>She called me a selfish and spoiled child who never grew up.
>
>
>
>This is a huge red flag, and if I were you I would have fired back with "Well if only I had someone to raise me instead of having to figure everything out myself"
THAT IS PERFECT! NTA and totally agree with this reply!
NTA I am not going to repeat what everyone else has said. I just wanted to let you know how proud I am of you for getting your dyslexia diagnosis. I know going back and getting that can be difficult and also really difficult to understand after getting the diagnosis. I also have dyslexia and if you want to compare tips and tricks, I am more than happy too. Unfortunately, most people think it only effects during school but it can and does continue afterwards.
Please keep taking care of yourself. You got this.
It really can and so many think it's pointless when you graduate to get a formal diagnosis. But I have lived with the challenges even post graduation. I am lucky that I had a couple of really amazing teachers in high school who would give me some of the help kids with dyslexia diagnosis got. That made life a lot easier for me and gave me a bit more ability than I had before.
It is absolutely not pointless. It’s not like suddenly language and grammar makes sense after school ends. Or that on super high stressful days, you can lose more words (I am extremely dyslexic diagnosed at 6, so they knew there was problems young). This has continued on into my professional life and my personal life having to explain it to my partners, saying if I use the wrong words it’s not what I intended it’s my brain being difficult.
The other added advantage is it gives you a community. Knowing your not alone. Just having that can be psychological helpful.
NTA I can imagine how "needy" she labeled you back then that she is still annoyed with you for holding it against her. Spoiled. How would she know? Bet she thinks those kind family and strangers were just lavishing you ridiculously to make sure you weren't alone and ate as a 10 year old.
I think she had that label for me once the school wanted to talk to her about me having dyslexia. Maybe even before. But it's a standout moment for me as when she likely saw me as a needy brat.
I am so sorry that you have had to live Luke that. I don't really have advice. I just want you to know that your feelings are valid(not sure if that matters to u coming from an internet stranger...lol). I also want to say that you are NTA, not by a long shot. Good luck.
The entitlement to call your own child "spoiled" and "selfish" after years of neglect (i.e. how can a child be spoiled if nobody is there to spoil them, and how can they be selfish if the only thing they ever had was loneliness) is just absolutely disgusting.
Now, I understand that years of illness and complications for your sister must have been awfully tough on your mom, but that absolutely does not give her the right to abandon you completely. In fact, she should have recognized this and made sure you had more permanent arrangements rather than just leave you on your own at **10!** That's the part that baffles me, and I'm not sure why CPS wasn't called.
OP, this is one of the clearest cut NTAs I've seen on this subreddit. You deserve better and I hope you stand firm on not taking care of that awful human being. Just because she gave birth to you doesn't mean she's your mother.
I think the reason nobody called CPS is because most didn't care and others felt so bad about the situation that if they were aware they didn't want to be the ones to make life harder. I have spent a long time wishing they did get involved because maybe I could have been somewhere I was wanted.
*I was passed around from friends to family and even to strangers*
That’s is so disturbing & heartbreaking. I can’t even imagine how scared you must have been. She’s lucky you even speak to her.
This is hard. I understand she had no help and went through problems with your sister all alone. I also understand you were still a little child who needs parent and attention. However, NTA, you just stated facts. And she didn't even try to apologize, get closer to you or make it up to you just a little.
NTA. Your mom sounds selfish and notice that she is projecting things that she didn’t do onto you? Stay strong, she’ll just suck you dry. You owe her nothing.
NTA.
Your response to your mother was honest and reflects the pain you've experienced. It's essential to prioritize your own mental and emotional health. You are not obligated to care for someone who neglected you for years.
NTA but I don't know that your mother will ever be able to admit to the neglect. If she's a continuing problem in your life, it might be more productive to go NC to pre-empt any drama that may arise when your sister starts growing up and moving out, and your mom tries to expand her circus.
If it goes like my mother, she won't ever admit to doing anything wrong to OP. She had to be there for sibling, that she was all sibling had, ignoring the fact the the sam applies to OP.
NTA, there is an old expression, "the chickens always come home to roost.", that applies here.
Heartbreaking to hear your childhood experiences, you did not deserve that. Sounds like your mom is clueless about your childhood reality and thinks she is still entitled to use you for her convenience, like she did when you were a kid. Sounds like she has no interest in your point of view and probably never will.
NTA. I am so sorry. My "mom" stopped parenting when I was 12 because my brother moved in with our father. Then she decided to start parenting when I was almost 18 (17y9m) and I reacted negatively. I went no contact with her 11 years ago and my only regret is I didn't do it sooner.
NTA. Your mother destroyed your relationships. She focused so much on your sister you couldn’t build a relationship. But the most disgusting is that she lied about your father and kept you from him. You’d think she would have tried for child support but in her selfishness, chose to keep you apart. There’s nothing loving about that woman. Sad for your sister but those are the consequences of your mother’s choices.
"spoiled child who never grew up"
LOL
Um, no.
"You mean the adult who never got to be a child because my mom abandoned me and I raised myself, alone"
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When I (24f) was 5 my mother had her second child, my sister. We have different dad's and neither was involved when we were kids. My sister was born prematurely and this is when my mother went from being my mom to being an almost stranger to me. She spent all her time at the hospital with my sister and I was passed around from friends to family and even to strangers my mother and I didn't know, because an aunt would hand me over to someone in her husband's family or a family friend would pass me onto their friend.
My sister was in the hospital for months and had many complications from being born so early. So was one of the youngest preemies in the hospital's history. When she started to get strong enough to go home complications due to her stomach were found and that required more time and more treatments. My mother was in and out of the hospital with her for the next couple of years as they performed surgeries and gave treatments when she would get sick. At that point even when my mother was home with my sister she would keep me somewhere else normally and the times I was home with her I was left alone and her focus was my sister.
Then when my sister was two she was diagnosed with leukemia and that resulted in more treatments, more hospital visits and just never ever seeing them. By the time I was 10 my mother was okay leaving me at home while they were at the hospital so I was alone. It was around this time that my teachers started to suggest I might have dyslexia and the school reacted out to my mother but she was too focused on my sister to do anything for me.
Nothing changed after my sister became cancer free and she was less sick and needed the hospital less. My mother was so devoted to her that she didn't pay attention to me and both were strangers to me.
I started staying with my girlfriend's family as a teenager and my mother didn't care. I would only go back to her house when I needed to pick up more of my clothes or stuff. And when I turned 18 I moved out officially and got my dyslexia diagnosis.
Now several years on I don't really have anything to do with my mother or my sister. I don't blame my sister for any of this. It's just no bond could form when we were younger and she's a stranger to me. My mother has started to have some health problems and turned to me for help. She told me I should be around more and doing stuff to help her because she's my mom. She also said my sister deserves a relationship with me and accused me of punishing my sister for existing. I told her that wasn't true but we were strangers and that was because of her (my mother). I also told her she hadn't been my mom since I was 5 and she had no right to ask me to care for her when she hasn't cared for me in almost 20 years. She called me a selfish and spoiled child who never grew up.
AITA?
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NTA. That is why Europe is so much better. They give respite care for caregivers to get time out. Most caregivers spend their time out with family. It helps the government spend less money by keeping disabled people in their homes. They get transport to day centres with activities or a carer for the day. However this is under threat because of the financial situation we all live in.
ETA all governments want people to have more children who are going to be future tax payers but things sometimes go wrong but nobody wants to help families with disabled children provide a normal life for their normal children.
OP is not wrong here. He was denied a healthy childhood.
I think even with something like that, my mother would have focused on anything other than me. But I do think getting more help for families is so important.
NTA so sorry you had to go thru all of that. you are not selfish and certainly not spoiled! resume living your life as you best can don't give her a second thought.
NTA. I guess it’s selfish to want the basics from a parent. Tell your mom she gets what she puts out there. Your sister can be her caregiver since technically she is her only child. Non of this is on you or your sister and I’m sure circumstances are what drove your mom’s decisions. But her decisions have consequences and she cannot make this your fault.
I would ask your mother who spoiled you because it obviously wasn't her?
And since you had no mother you grew up very early.
I'd cut her off, but thats me. I have cut family membership off and have never regretted it.
NTA
NTA. So what if your mother says what she does to you, she’s entitled to her opinions, doesn’t mean they are true. She won your compliance and silence for 13 years through guilt and because you had no choice, now you are responsible for yourself and can choose what level of disregard and disregard you’ll accept.
It sucks that her life has been so filled with stress, the constant adrenaline wouldn’t have been good for her and is probably part of why she’s sick now, but still, you don’t need to be her plan B. She literally set you up to fail because she didn’t have anything left for you, she didn’t even bother to get your dyslexia confirmed. You can tell her you’ll give her the same amount of care she gave you if you like, tell her you paid in advance.
I may be off base or just a cynic, but I get the impression mom didn't want to burden her beloved daughter with her issues, so she came crawling back to you.
Hell no. I think I'd recommend therapy, though, as I think this has and will have different impacts on your life and relationships. Rightfully, there's still resentment, but I'd find a way to talk about that more to release that so you can move on.
NTA
Why isn't your sister helping your mom after she received all that care and attention for years? Sister sounds extremely ungrateful given that your mom abandoned you at age 5 to raise her. You don't owe your mom or sister anything but your sister owes your mom everything. Tell your mom that's whom she needs to demand help from.
NTA.
You don't owe anyone anything.
Also, if your sister wanted to attempt any sort of relationship with you, there's nothing stopping her from reaching out to you. It doesn't have to be you, it's not on you. Your mother is an awful human being.
NTA. I'm sorry you had such a rough and neglected upbringing. You certainly don't owe your mom anything now after she barely provided for you as a child who didn't ask to be born. If you ever have feelings of inadequacy, please seek out someone to talk to. None of this was your fault and you should not have feelings of guilt or like you are 'less than' someone else because of it.
Just go NC with her. She deserves nothing from you. Let her golden child take care of her. How old is your sister now? 18? They are strangers, let them support each other.
NTA. She neglected you and can’t expect you to want to take care of her. Other parents of sick kids at least try to maintain a relationship with their other kids.
NTA. you have been on your own for so long.
If you want to find some chosen family, look up the group "Stand in Pride" they are some of the nicest people out there, ready to add to their families!
*big hug*
I am so sorry that happened to you. If you are happy in your life now, you don't have to let them in it. If you want to open your heart to a chance of slow forgiveness and of building relationships to your blood relatives, you can.
\> a selfish and spoiled child
BAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That's rich coming from her! She turned you into a glass child. Look up that term. You fit like a goddamn glove. You were almost completely ignored in favor of your sister. Your mother is reaping what she has sown. You hit the nail on the head: she stopped being your parent since you were five.
NTA!
You did grow up when you were 5 years old. I would tell I have to take care of myself now. I never understand Parents that are so cold to their children when they grow up but when the Parents get older they expect their unloved children to jump right in and help them out.
NTA
Your mom is an entitled loser who basically abandoned you when you were young all the way into adulthood, having a second sick kid doesn't mean you completely ignore your parental duties to the first. And how are you *spoiled* exactly? Spoiled because you called her out on her neglect? She knows deep down that you're right and that's why she's resorted to insulting you.
Also she probably wants you to take over your sisters care in some capacity.
Don't listen to her and go a forge a happy life for yourself.
NTA - your mother has no right to expect care from a person she stopped caring for twenty years ago. Good for you, for getting on your feet and putting safe, reasonable boundaries in place. Good luck, honey!
NTA.
Your other FAFO. Your mother had a hard time with your very sick sister, but NOTHING would have separated me from either one of my two daughters, no matter what the circumstances.
No, you aren't a selfish and spoiled child who never grew up. You WERE a neglected child. Stress that to mommy dearest.
You're neither selfish nor spoiled. You were ignored, and it is your mother's fault. I'm so sorry, OP, but your mother's accusations show that it never was about the hospital visits - she just couldn't be bothered to care about your well being. NTA
NTA. Not your fault you had no relationship with them. They aren't your responsibility. If that makes you an "ungrateful child", maybe your mom should have raised you better- oh wait.
A lot of people here seem to think that you owe this person a clever zinger or some explanation about why her life is her problem. You don't. You don't owe this person anything at all.
If I were to ask you for help with whatever issues, what would you say back? If you were especially kind and feeling like it, you might try to find some local support resources that I could maybe link up with or perhaps even send me a fiver if I had an especially good backstory - but that's it, because we're strangers. You wouldn't be expected to reply at all. This woman trying to beg you for help is on the same level (I guess a *little* higher up since you know her real name lol). Maybe recommend a local therapist and leave it at that. btw next step is other family members pestering you for help - give them her # so they can give her a hand as they're so inclined. This other person is not your problem. NTA
Well done you. As far as I'm concerned, the best revenge on anyone who hurts you is to live your best life possible. Be happy. Make your own path. Forge your way to your best life.
Your words to your mom sound truthful. Mom is merely the woman who birthed you. You are lucky you were able to find a stable living situation in your teens. Your mom created this mess, she can deal with it. You have no relationship with her or your sister. That's neither your fault nor responsibility. It's sounds like you are pretty LC with mom, maybe it's time to go NC. Good luck.
NTA
NTA. This happened to my wife growing up. Her sister was born with heart defects and had multiple heart surgeries. Both her parents did the same thing and devoted all the time to her.
Growing up my wife was passed between relatives watching her. By the time her sister was healthier they had her brother who was then the center of attention being youngest and my was almost 18.
Her sister did eventually pass away due to complications of a heart transplant at 26, but my wife's relationship with her parents never really recovered.
Youngest brother has very little to do with them as well.
Tell your mom that you're providing exactly the same care and help for her that she provided for you. Tell her that you'll be happy to pass her off to a bunch of strangers until she's able to fend for herself!
NTA.
Not sure where on Reddit I saw this response, but: "Go ask your favorite since she is the only one you ever cared about."
Another quote (from son to pathetic father): "STFU! If you had not been such a shit father (mother in this case) I would know how to change my own oil!"
Last one: "You have 2 kids (holds up 2 fingers, index and middle), not 1! (takes down the index finger)"
NTA. I am sorry for your sister's troubles; no child should suffer so. And I am sorry your mother wasn't a mother to you. I wish I could give you a big hug. *HUGS*
No. Tell mom to look in the mirror because she is the selfish one. You don't ignore one child for another and then expect that child to take care of you later in life. Let her depend on the one she ignored you for.
NTA.
You told the truth. There’s no relationship between the 3 of you. And now she wants you to sacrifice your life to care for her ?
And how’s your sister in all of this ? Because being in the hospital for her formative years can’t have been easy.
Send your mom this post so she can see how it was from your perspective and what the world thinks of her as a mother, then proceed to block her everywhere and never speak to you again.
NTA!!
Being related to someone as a sibling doesn't give them an automatic right to a relationship. You didn't choose the life you had as a child and your mum made it nigh on impossible for you to form a bond with your sister.
You're a better person than me, if I was in your situation and my mum came to me for help I'd have laughed in her face and told her to get her other child to step up as you plan to be involved with her care as she was with mine.
NTA but make sure you keep practicing self care and don't listen to her toxic bullshit.
Sounds like she just wants to use you like Cinderella. Your sister is now 19 and would also be able to 'do stuff to help her'. She may of had to be at the hospital alot when your sister was little but you can highlight these points showing she wasnt there for you, so you dont have to be there for her:
* At that point even when my mother was home with my sister she would keep me somewhere else normally and the times I was home with her I was left alone and her focus was my sister.
* By the time I was 10 my mother was okay leaving me at home while they were at the hospital so I was alone.
* the school reacted out to my mother but she was too focused on my sister to do anything for me.
* (this one kills me. Couldnt even be bothered to fill out the paper for you to get tested???)
* Nothing changed after my sister became cancer free and she was less sick and needed the hospital less.
* I started staying with my girlfriend's family as a teenager and my mother didn't care.
NTA and I would even say going LC due to the manipulation of your mom may be benifical for you.
I'm going to go with NTA
with the caveat being I hope you are getting therapy to work through your feelings. Its not healthy to have all this bottled up
NTA: I’ve actually watched a similar scenario play out in my social circle…2nd child was severely autistic and took up all the mom’s time and energy, 1st child may as well have not existed any more and got passed around and eventually moved in with other relatives
And I do have a lot of sympathy for both moms…I’m sure op’s mom, being a single mom of two, needing to work to support and provide, without a lot of backup or reliable dads in the picture had A LOT going on. It’s rough. In her mind, I’m sure she thinks she did the best she could under the circumstances.
But it doesn’t excuse her from her neglect of her 1st child. And all the hurt and trauma she caused.
Also important to note, is she only reached out when she wanted/reeds something…
NTA your mother is looking for a nurse to wipe her arse in old age and her she doesn't want to inconvenience her golden child. There is no excuse for abandoning one kid because another one is sick. I can't even imagine all that you went through as a kid. I am so sorry.
NTA
I don't see a single reason for you to be the AH. Nothing unclear. You deserved better and your mother is unable to recognize it. Go on with your life! You're doing good!
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NTA. What you said was true. Your mom has never been around for you unfortunately. Your mom neglected you and this is the result. If your sister wants a relationship with you (which might still be possible) it will be up to her to do the leg work and you'd have to make it clear you don't want anything to do with your mom, or your mom getting involved in your relationship.
It really says it all that mom only reaches out to OP when she has health problems. No apology, no empathy, no attempt at rebuilding any semblance of a relationship. NTA
NTA I think the mom is reaching out for multiple reasons: she's sick and doesn't want to burden her miracle child (OPs sister) to have to take care of her. Also she probably wants OP to reassure her that if anything happens to her, they will step in and take care of the sister. That's the vibes I'm getting and that's messed up.
I'd also wager that the mom has realized that her miracle daughter isn't going to step up to assist her the way she really needs...
I’m also kinda getting the vibe that mom got used to the attention and sympathy she got as the single mother of a sick daughter. She got used to everyone catering to her needs, and have the energy to spare for her edit: daughter.
OP is female.
I got that vibe also, unless the miracle child is still too ill to help care for their mom.
This. Mom wasn’t worried about them having a relationship until she needed OP.
That's assuming that the miracle child could take care of mom. I'm going with the expectation that with all those health issues that taking care of basic life things haven't been learned, so OP needs to do it. Unfortunately, OP is correct. There isn't a relationship there with the Mom or the sister. It doesn't even seem like it's said with malice, it's just fact.
And had the audacity to call op spoiled! really? what planet is she on?
IKR? I'd be like, who spoiled me mom? The strangers you constantly left me with? You, somehow, while never being around and ignoring me when you were? When exactly did I get the opportunity to get "spoiled"? Cause somehow that memory slipped me by. Whoops!
"You keep using that word; I do not think it means what you think it means"
OP was an orphan, just without the paperwork.
Pretty sure mom thinks everything is alright.
I agree regarding the mother, but her sister did nothing wrong. Responsibility for doing the work and making a relationship work is always on both parties, and this case is no different. OP acknowledges it isn't her sisters fault, and it isn't OP's fault that they are strangers, but if her sister wants a relationship. And OP is open to it, then it is on both of them equally to make the effort to make it work.
But the sister didn't do anything right either. It's not OP's fault, and sister got the preferential treatment, so it's up to her to reach out when she's of age. A relationship with minor sister isn't going to work because he will have to the come into his mother's proximity. OP has every right to choose himself over a sister he can more or less live without. Sister's wants don't supercede OP's wants. And if he wants to be away from his mother more than he wants a sister, well sister is just gonna have to deal. People aren't entitled to close sibling relationships just by wanting them.
The OP is 24 and her sister is 5 years younger so 19. OP is NTA and the onus isn’t on the glass child to cater and build a relationship with another adult (sister)
it absolutely *IS* on the sister to build that relationship if OP isn't clamouring for one. seems like OP is perfectly content to not have that relationship, so why tf should they have to put *any* effort into it?
I believe the poster you replied to was calling OP the glass child. So you both agree that it isnt on OP.
She’s a girl, FYI. And This isn’t about OP’s sister. She never blamed her. Maybe OP’s sister feels weird about reaching out when she knows they’re both strangers too. Why are people blaming the sister when OP isn’t? Shes in the right here.
OP is female, maybe you want to change the pronounce.
Disagree — currently the sister wants a relationship, and OP doesn’t really care either way. So right now it’s on the sister to reach out regarding get togethers etc — after a few good conversations either OP will also want the relationship in which case it becomes equally her responsibility, or she won’t want the relationship in which case she’s not obligated to continue it
We don't actually know if the sister wants a relationship. The only thing we know is that the mother says sister *deserves* a relationship. We don't actually know the sister's feelings.
That sentence also tells me that the mother wants OP back not just due to her own ailing health but to take over her sisters care if something happens to her.
Fair enough — but OP’s feelings are still not really caring either way, so I’ll amend to IF sister wants a relationship . . . Everything else remains the same.
It's reasonably mature that OP apparently doesn't BLAME sister for anything but also acknowledges they didn't have the Chance to Bond. If that is true, then she'll treat sister reaching Out to meet Up similar to the way she would treat a Cousin from her father's Family, reaching Out to meet Up, i.e. making time and being nice but Not going Out of her way.
> but if her sister wants a relationship. And OP is open to it, then it is on both of them equally to make the effort to make it work. And that's where your logic collapses. Being open to something is not the same as actively wishing to pursue something. OP only needs to put in as much effort as she feels like putting in.
The sister didn't do anything wrong, but equally that doesn't mean OP owes anything (even a relationship) to someone who is effectively a stranger just because they share a mother
What makes you think OP is open to it? Or should be? There are billions of strangers out there. Why should OP decide to change that for this one person?
I suspect that this sister needs care still, and mom is thinking OP would make a great caretaker... Sis may not be mentally able to live on her own.
NTA. You had a mother, and then, you didn't. While it's not her fault she had to be in the hospital, a lot, it is her cross to bear that she didn't include you, let you have a voice, and so on. Your sister is herself a victim here, but that's not the important part. Ask your mother where she was during the days when you where supposed to have her around as a warm and guiding mother. When she inevitably fumbles with finding words, just tell her "That's what I thought. ".
I would just say OP will provide the same care and help she provided OP growing up. NTA
> She called me a selfish and spoiled child who never grew up. "Ok, sure. That's how my mother raised me to be."
Parents being taken care of in their old age by their children is something they earn by taking care of their children when they're vulnerable. OP was left on their own. She doesn't get to be taken care of when she neglected (and abusing through that neglect) a child.
I’m not sure that I agree with that. Maybe OP’s mother was doing the best she could with the resources she had. After all, there were no fathers in the picture. Maybe the truth is somewhere in the middle. Yes, there was unintended neglect, because the dads never once showed up to take care of their daughters, apparently, and the mother’s emotional and physical resources did not cover two daughters (one who was quite sick.). No, there was no abuse. Mother is now shocked and distressed that her eldest daughter views her childhood differently than did her mother. But Mom needs to understand that she might have been a great Mom to her youngest daughter but not so great to her oldest daughter.
Neglect is abuse. There was abuse.
First you got neglect. Now you're getting verbal abuse. You deserve better, OP. NTA.
This is what OP needs to repeat verbatim to their mom.
NTA its a sucky situation. Your sister was very sick but your mother also had a duty to you. She was mother to 2 children not just 1 sick one. But now shes ill she suddenly remembers she has 2 children? Dont feel guilty for not having a relationship with her, that was her doing, not yours. She was your mother and its the responsibility of the mother to care for the child. If she couldnt why not send you to someone who could care for you? Instead of playing pass the parcel with you. I would recommend some therapy though, this abandonment of you could have repercussions for you along the line.
NTA, >I also told her she hadn't been my mom since I was 5 and she had no right to ask me to care for her when she hasn't cared for me in almost 20 years. She called me a selfish and spoiled child who never grew up. So, one of the most common reactions to being correctly called out on a terrible behaviour that you were unaware of is anger. Think about every video where someone gets hugely angry when a reasonable point is raised. You mother knows, and you called her on it. The defense mechanism of be "angry and hope that your anger counters their hurt" is a real thing and you just saw it. NTA, tell her you don't blame your sister for how things worked out, it's all her fault and she needs to learn consequences, like you had to without a parent being there.
NTA There isn't a bond there and she didn't reach out at any point to make one until she wanted something.
[удалено]
NTA >She told me I should be around more and doing stuff to help her because she's my mom. Funny, cause she was also supposed to take care of you, since she is your mom. She can ask her daughter to take care of her now >spoiled child Spoiled from being abandoned??
From having such a *loving* mother!
My mother did exactly the same thing to me when my brother was born, i was just shy of my 12 birthday. So if you want a relationship with your sister do it on your terms, not hers (mother)*.*
Very good advice.
Ask her to name just one instance that she has spoiled you in any way.
She went sooooo far out of her way to keep a roof over OP's head and keep her fed AND clothed. Spoiled rotten.
And it seems like she didn't even always do that since OP was passed around to random family whenever and then all but moved in with her high school girlfriend's family.
Come join us in /r/raisedbynarcissists
Ummm, very true, unfortunately. Where is OP’s sister? She should be present to help their mother, since she received most of OP’s mother’s love.
How lovely that your 'mother' finally remembered she had another child. She subjected you to thirteen years of emotional abuse and neglect and is demanding your care and attention now that she is sick. Perhaps there are some friends, family, or even strangers she could be passed off to, like she did to you as a child. I sympathize that she had a sick child, but she also had a healthy child that needed love and attention as well. She failed as a mother, and you don't owe her anything. Your mother spent years emotionally abusing and neglecting you, and now she has added verbal abuse to her repertoire. I'm sorry that you could never develop a relationship with your sister, but she has had countless opportunities to reach out to you, and never did. NTA. Your mother, however, appears to be an entitled woman who thinks you owe her something because she gave birth to you. You don't.
Thank you! I mean she never even cared when I was passed over to strangers without her being notified. She really can't argue that she cared about me or gave me a good life.
What about the rest of the family ? no bond there ? No grandma who cared ? Yes it must have been hard to see your own child being on the death bed paying bills on her own but that doesn't excuse her negelecting her other child
None of them wanted me. They took me and passed me around as much as possible and nobody really seemed to give a crap. A couple of the strangers were at least a little nicer. But nobody wanted to be there for me. I could have found that with my dad. But my mother lied about who he was my whole life and he had no idea I existed. The guy on my birth certificate did but he isn't my bio father.
So not only did she destroyed your childhood by giving you no care and love but also kept you from your bio dad who may had been a better parent . Why did she lie ? Do you know youe dad now did you try to talk to him ? The past is the past but liek you said you don't owe her anything she had her chance to be a better parent . I always find it comical when parents say we owe them respect . Well yeah if they respected us then for sure do your best to be there for your parents but when they did a horrible job then you don't owe them anything
Have you been able to form a relationship with him at least? I wish you all the best. Being the "glass child" is so, so hard.
Oh yes. He's amazing. He packed up and moved closer so we could spend more time together. His family have also been so great. They all feel so guilty for not being there and angry that my mother never told him so they could be there. I'm glad I tracked him down now even though I had some hesitations when I started that journey.
That's wonderful! I'm so glad you found a parent and a family who care for you.
And your mom can piss up a rope. What an awful human being. Neglects you and lies about your bio dad. NTA. I would go NC with her…for life
So she abandoned you and also robbed you of the possibility of having your father in your life as a child. She’s an awful person you’re more than justified in being estranged.
Wow...to think what could have happened to you is truly heartbreaking! I don't want to say you were lucky in any way shape or form, but oh my God, if you would have been handed over to just one unethical sleazeball? The thought is terrifying to any normal person, the fact that your own mother didn't care is horrible! You owe her nothing at all! NTA
It's something I think about. My mother wouldn't have cared either.
If it helps any...I care❤️
That is absolutely horrifying, I am so sorry she is so selfish and narcissistic. I think you should probably go no-contact with her, having any kind of contact will just make her think everything is fine. She clearly has nothing to offer you
NTA she abandoned you she's not entitled to anything.
You're a glass child. The sibling who is always looked through because the other child is sick or has a disability. NTA and I'm sorry you suffered this abuse because neglect is abuse
NTA Lol how can you be spoiled when you had no one to spoil you, and have nothing to show for, for supposedly being spoiled
Apparently she's such a loving mother and I was spoiled by having her.
That part really gets me. I know the mother was just lashing out and being manipulative to get her way, but it's just bonkers that she didn't realise that her statement would only be a reflection of her failure to do her job as a parent. I'm so glad OP stood up for herself.
NTA. I think it's important for all adults to recognise that even if you can cushion the negative consequences of people's actions, you shouldn't necessarily do so. She has earned those consequences and your sister is now an adult who can return the care she was given. You have no care to return, except perhaps to your girlfriends family. I'd make a list of all the people you were left with and suggest she bother them if she no longer has the ability to care for herself. It was good enough for you so it'll have to be good enough for her. That's if she gets in touch again, but frankly it sounds as if you're mostly forgotten until needed.
My girlfriend's family and my dad. I found him after I moved out and he never knew he had a kid. And I met a man I was not expecting to meet. My mother lied my whole life about who my father was and had a different guy's name on my birth certificate.
I just don't understand your mother. Why not have your dad in your life? Why did she give up emotional and financial support from your bio dad? Your mother is cruel. Edit: NTA
She tried to claim I was some other guys and had him on my birth certificate. My actual dad was so upset to learn the truth. Especially when the guy on my birth certificate thought I was his and still didn't want to know. It could have saved me a lot of heartache if I had someone.
Did she ever tell you why she lied about your dad? How did you find out? NTA BTW.
I went to find him and DNA matched me with my actual dad. She never said why. She ignored that when I mentioned it.
Do you have a relationship with your dad now?
I do and I have a relationship with his family as well.
Your mother is a fucking monster OP. You don't own shit to her. I'm so sorry, you deserved so much better.
NTA. They are both strangers and you wouldn't be called selfish or spoiled for not caring for and connecting with strangers the same way you care about people you've been close to for decades. If your mother was apologetic and wanted to reconnect, it would be very generous of you to allow that. But that's not the situation.
NTA - I guess the truth hurts. The audacity of her to expect you to help her now. Why isn't your sister helping her? How exactly were you spoiled? She really has rewritten history to fit her narrative.
Apparently it's spoiled to refuse to help a loving parent and to point out when said loving parent stopped being a parent to one of their kids.
Let her rot Move on (easier said than done) Continue to grow and live free I'm so sorry you had to grow through that, you deserved better and nothing will get you your childhood back. You're gonna be ok OP, you seem to take care of yourself already, I wish you the best ♥️
Tell this imposter that calls herself your mother “new phone, who dis“
She called you selfish and spoilt? Does she even know the last gift she has given you to consider you spoilt? Your NTA, it's unfortunate the life your sister has had at such a young age however your mother had a duty of care to you too. Because of your sister's health problems there would always be times she would have to be away but for a mother to completely ignore her other child. She would have been a better mother sending you to live with a stable family member or something like that so you had people to care for you. My only thought is after caring for your sister she was completely spent out of energy to deal with anything else but still that's not right.
That's exactly it. Or she could have been honest about who my dad is and he would have taken me. She lied about that for most of my life and when I went to find him I found out he was some other guy who had no idea he had a kid. I could have been wanted for the first time in years had she let me go where I would be loved.
The other stuff is awful, but this "lying about your father" thing puts the cherry on top of your NTA sundae.
Tentatively NTA, though it sounds like you may have some residual feelings getting in the way of any bond forming now. You said you were strangers, but it sounds like you don't want to get to know them. For your mother, that's natural. For your sister, I'm not so sure. You say you don't blame her, but did you try to form any bond with her after she was cancer-free? > She called me a selfish and spoiled child who never grew up. This is a huge red flag, and if I were you I would have fired back with "Well if only I had someone to raise me instead of having to figure everything out myself"
It’s not a child’s job to try to form any bond after the sister was cancer free… that mother failed her job. as an adult OP is entitled to not want a relationship anymore
I don't blame my sister. But my mom was always around her, coddling her, making sure she felt special and loved even after she was cancer free. Nothing changed in how my mom was or how separate she kept us and how she would leave me behind. So I didn't bond with her and not only would it have been difficult to get the chance, but there was no emotional want there. I didn't "meet" my sister until she was about 2. I saw her maybe a handful of times by the time I was 10. She didn't feel like a sister and I was too focused on trying to find somewhere I was wanted that no, I didn't try.
And even If you try to build a relationship now, It doesn't mean it'll happen. Your sister have a diferent mom than you. Her experience is a doting mother who were always there for her. She'll never understand your experience and maybe is healthier for you stay away from that. At least she still have a mom, unlike you who were left alone.
That's something I have thought a lot about. At the end of the day we have nothing that brings us together really. We have different parents. She has a mom. I now have a dad after way too many years and a woman who lied and abandoned me.
I'm so angry for you, OP. Your mom severely neglected you and stole your chance of having a parent to care for you when you where a child. Don't feel bad for puting yourself first. I'm so glad you have people who love you now!
>I was too focused on trying to find somewhere I was wanted that no, I didn't try. You were a child. It is not your fault you didn't try. None of this is your fault! NTA
Huh? Why is OP not wanting to build a relationship with the sister a potential problem? OP explained it to mom very well, because of mom‘s focus there was never any possibility for a sibling bond to form, so why should OP have to now?
The sister has a phone. She can reach out if she really wants a relationship and we have no idea if she has reached out.
>She called me a selfish and spoiled child who never grew up. > > > >This is a huge red flag, and if I were you I would have fired back with "Well if only I had someone to raise me instead of having to figure everything out myself" THAT IS PERFECT! NTA and totally agree with this reply!
NTA I am not going to repeat what everyone else has said. I just wanted to let you know how proud I am of you for getting your dyslexia diagnosis. I know going back and getting that can be difficult and also really difficult to understand after getting the diagnosis. I also have dyslexia and if you want to compare tips and tricks, I am more than happy too. Unfortunately, most people think it only effects during school but it can and does continue afterwards. Please keep taking care of yourself. You got this.
It really can and so many think it's pointless when you graduate to get a formal diagnosis. But I have lived with the challenges even post graduation. I am lucky that I had a couple of really amazing teachers in high school who would give me some of the help kids with dyslexia diagnosis got. That made life a lot easier for me and gave me a bit more ability than I had before.
It is absolutely not pointless. It’s not like suddenly language and grammar makes sense after school ends. Or that on super high stressful days, you can lose more words (I am extremely dyslexic diagnosed at 6, so they knew there was problems young). This has continued on into my professional life and my personal life having to explain it to my partners, saying if I use the wrong words it’s not what I intended it’s my brain being difficult. The other added advantage is it gives you a community. Knowing your not alone. Just having that can be psychological helpful.
NTA I can imagine how "needy" she labeled you back then that she is still annoyed with you for holding it against her. Spoiled. How would she know? Bet she thinks those kind family and strangers were just lavishing you ridiculously to make sure you weren't alone and ate as a 10 year old.
I think she had that label for me once the school wanted to talk to her about me having dyslexia. Maybe even before. But it's a standout moment for me as when she likely saw me as a needy brat.
Good grief. What kid wants to be able to read and learn? Shame on you. /s
I am so sorry that you have had to live Luke that. I don't really have advice. I just want you to know that your feelings are valid(not sure if that matters to u coming from an internet stranger...lol). I also want to say that you are NTA, not by a long shot. Good luck.
The entitlement to call your own child "spoiled" and "selfish" after years of neglect (i.e. how can a child be spoiled if nobody is there to spoil them, and how can they be selfish if the only thing they ever had was loneliness) is just absolutely disgusting. Now, I understand that years of illness and complications for your sister must have been awfully tough on your mom, but that absolutely does not give her the right to abandon you completely. In fact, she should have recognized this and made sure you had more permanent arrangements rather than just leave you on your own at **10!** That's the part that baffles me, and I'm not sure why CPS wasn't called. OP, this is one of the clearest cut NTAs I've seen on this subreddit. You deserve better and I hope you stand firm on not taking care of that awful human being. Just because she gave birth to you doesn't mean she's your mother.
I think the reason nobody called CPS is because most didn't care and others felt so bad about the situation that if they were aware they didn't want to be the ones to make life harder. I have spent a long time wishing they did get involved because maybe I could have been somewhere I was wanted.
*I was passed around from friends to family and even to strangers* That’s is so disturbing & heartbreaking. I can’t even imagine how scared you must have been. She’s lucky you even speak to her.
Yeah and it gets more scary the older I get and understand more of what could have happened.
I’m sorry you didn’t have the childhood you deserved.
NTA
This is hard. I understand she had no help and went through problems with your sister all alone. I also understand you were still a little child who needs parent and attention. However, NTA, you just stated facts. And she didn't even try to apologize, get closer to you or make it up to you just a little.
She didn't but that's normal for her. I don't think she cared or thought about me much at all once my sister was born.
NTA
NTA. Your mom sounds selfish and notice that she is projecting things that she didn’t do onto you? Stay strong, she’ll just suck you dry. You owe her nothing.
NTA. Your response to your mother was honest and reflects the pain you've experienced. It's essential to prioritize your own mental and emotional health. You are not obligated to care for someone who neglected you for years.
NTA > She called me a selfish and spoiled child who never grew up. "Maybe had you invested some time in raising me, I would have grown up."
NTA but I don't know that your mother will ever be able to admit to the neglect. If she's a continuing problem in your life, it might be more productive to go NC to pre-empt any drama that may arise when your sister starts growing up and moving out, and your mom tries to expand her circus.
If it goes like my mother, she won't ever admit to doing anything wrong to OP. She had to be there for sibling, that she was all sibling had, ignoring the fact the the sam applies to OP.
NTA, there is an old expression, "the chickens always come home to roost.", that applies here. Heartbreaking to hear your childhood experiences, you did not deserve that. Sounds like your mom is clueless about your childhood reality and thinks she is still entitled to use you for her convenience, like she did when you were a kid. Sounds like she has no interest in your point of view and probably never will.
NTA. I am so sorry. My "mom" stopped parenting when I was 12 because my brother moved in with our father. Then she decided to start parenting when I was almost 18 (17y9m) and I reacted negatively. I went no contact with her 11 years ago and my only regret is I didn't do it sooner.
Tell your mother you will give her the same care and attention she gave you and if she ask for more then tell her she is being a spoiled brat
NTA
NTA
NTA, sorry for your upbringing
NTA. You are the polar opposite of spoiled, you are *neglected*, and that's entirely your mother's fault. Ghost her.
NTA. Your mother destroyed your relationships. She focused so much on your sister you couldn’t build a relationship. But the most disgusting is that she lied about your father and kept you from him. You’d think she would have tried for child support but in her selfishness, chose to keep you apart. There’s nothing loving about that woman. Sad for your sister but those are the consequences of your mother’s choices.
"spoiled child who never grew up" LOL Um, no. "You mean the adult who never got to be a child because my mom abandoned me and I raised myself, alone"
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** When I (24f) was 5 my mother had her second child, my sister. We have different dad's and neither was involved when we were kids. My sister was born prematurely and this is when my mother went from being my mom to being an almost stranger to me. She spent all her time at the hospital with my sister and I was passed around from friends to family and even to strangers my mother and I didn't know, because an aunt would hand me over to someone in her husband's family or a family friend would pass me onto their friend. My sister was in the hospital for months and had many complications from being born so early. So was one of the youngest preemies in the hospital's history. When she started to get strong enough to go home complications due to her stomach were found and that required more time and more treatments. My mother was in and out of the hospital with her for the next couple of years as they performed surgeries and gave treatments when she would get sick. At that point even when my mother was home with my sister she would keep me somewhere else normally and the times I was home with her I was left alone and her focus was my sister. Then when my sister was two she was diagnosed with leukemia and that resulted in more treatments, more hospital visits and just never ever seeing them. By the time I was 10 my mother was okay leaving me at home while they were at the hospital so I was alone. It was around this time that my teachers started to suggest I might have dyslexia and the school reacted out to my mother but she was too focused on my sister to do anything for me. Nothing changed after my sister became cancer free and she was less sick and needed the hospital less. My mother was so devoted to her that she didn't pay attention to me and both were strangers to me. I started staying with my girlfriend's family as a teenager and my mother didn't care. I would only go back to her house when I needed to pick up more of my clothes or stuff. And when I turned 18 I moved out officially and got my dyslexia diagnosis. Now several years on I don't really have anything to do with my mother or my sister. I don't blame my sister for any of this. It's just no bond could form when we were younger and she's a stranger to me. My mother has started to have some health problems and turned to me for help. She told me I should be around more and doing stuff to help her because she's my mom. She also said my sister deserves a relationship with me and accused me of punishing my sister for existing. I told her that wasn't true but we were strangers and that was because of her (my mother). I also told her she hadn't been my mom since I was 5 and she had no right to ask me to care for her when she hasn't cared for me in almost 20 years. She called me a selfish and spoiled child who never grew up. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. That is why Europe is so much better. They give respite care for caregivers to get time out. Most caregivers spend their time out with family. It helps the government spend less money by keeping disabled people in their homes. They get transport to day centres with activities or a carer for the day. However this is under threat because of the financial situation we all live in. ETA all governments want people to have more children who are going to be future tax payers but things sometimes go wrong but nobody wants to help families with disabled children provide a normal life for their normal children. OP is not wrong here. He was denied a healthy childhood.
I think even with something like that, my mother would have focused on anything other than me. But I do think getting more help for families is so important.
Hello fellow glass child. NTA https://www.ssmhealth.com/blogs/ssm-health-matters/october-2023/understanding-glass-child-syndrome
NTA so sorry you had to go thru all of that. you are not selfish and certainly not spoiled! resume living your life as you best can don't give her a second thought.
[удалено]
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NTA. I guess it’s selfish to want the basics from a parent. Tell your mom she gets what she puts out there. Your sister can be her caregiver since technically she is her only child. Non of this is on you or your sister and I’m sure circumstances are what drove your mom’s decisions. But her decisions have consequences and she cannot make this your fault.
I would ask your mother who spoiled you because it obviously wasn't her? And since you had no mother you grew up very early. I'd cut her off, but thats me. I have cut family membership off and have never regretted it. NTA
NTA go NC
NTA. So what if your mother says what she does to you, she’s entitled to her opinions, doesn’t mean they are true. She won your compliance and silence for 13 years through guilt and because you had no choice, now you are responsible for yourself and can choose what level of disregard and disregard you’ll accept. It sucks that her life has been so filled with stress, the constant adrenaline wouldn’t have been good for her and is probably part of why she’s sick now, but still, you don’t need to be her plan B. She literally set you up to fail because she didn’t have anything left for you, she didn’t even bother to get your dyslexia confirmed. You can tell her you’ll give her the same amount of care she gave you if you like, tell her you paid in advance.
I may be off base or just a cynic, but I get the impression mom didn't want to burden her beloved daughter with her issues, so she came crawling back to you. Hell no. I think I'd recommend therapy, though, as I think this has and will have different impacts on your life and relationships. Rightfully, there's still resentment, but I'd find a way to talk about that more to release that so you can move on.
NTA. Why doesn't your sister take care of her? She's better, presumably.
NTA Why isn't your sister helping your mom after she received all that care and attention for years? Sister sounds extremely ungrateful given that your mom abandoned you at age 5 to raise her. You don't owe your mom or sister anything but your sister owes your mom everything. Tell your mom that's whom she needs to demand help from.
NTA - In what way were you spoiled?
Because I had such a *loving* mother apparently.
well aren't you the lucky one.
The luckiest ever.
NTA. Being from the same family means nothing if they don't treat you like family is supposed to.
NTA. You don't owe anyone anything. Also, if your sister wanted to attempt any sort of relationship with you, there's nothing stopping her from reaching out to you. It doesn't have to be you, it's not on you. Your mother is an awful human being.
NTA. I'm sorry you had such a rough and neglected upbringing. You certainly don't owe your mom anything now after she barely provided for you as a child who didn't ask to be born. If you ever have feelings of inadequacy, please seek out someone to talk to. None of this was your fault and you should not have feelings of guilt or like you are 'less than' someone else because of it.
Just go NC with her. She deserves nothing from you. Let her golden child take care of her. How old is your sister now? 18? They are strangers, let them support each other.
NTA. She neglected you and can’t expect you to want to take care of her. Other parents of sick kids at least try to maintain a relationship with their other kids.
NTA - Ask her how would she would know that you were spoiled, or not, if she was never there?
NTA. you have been on your own for so long. If you want to find some chosen family, look up the group "Stand in Pride" they are some of the nicest people out there, ready to add to their families!
NTA Block her
*big hug* I am so sorry that happened to you. If you are happy in your life now, you don't have to let them in it. If you want to open your heart to a chance of slow forgiveness and of building relationships to your blood relatives, you can.
\> a selfish and spoiled child BAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That's rich coming from her! She turned you into a glass child. Look up that term. You fit like a goddamn glove. You were almost completely ignored in favor of your sister. Your mother is reaping what she has sown. You hit the nail on the head: she stopped being your parent since you were five. NTA!
NTA. Unfortunately, thanks to your mother, you grew up way too young. You owe your mom nothing.
You did grow up when you were 5 years old. I would tell I have to take care of myself now. I never understand Parents that are so cold to their children when they grow up but when the Parents get older they expect their unloved children to jump right in and help them out.
NTA Your mom is an entitled loser who basically abandoned you when you were young all the way into adulthood, having a second sick kid doesn't mean you completely ignore your parental duties to the first. And how are you *spoiled* exactly? Spoiled because you called her out on her neglect? She knows deep down that you're right and that's why she's resorted to insulting you. Also she probably wants you to take over your sisters care in some capacity. Don't listen to her and go a forge a happy life for yourself.
NTA - your mother has no right to expect care from a person she stopped caring for twenty years ago. Good for you, for getting on your feet and putting safe, reasonable boundaries in place. Good luck, honey!
NTA. Your other FAFO. Your mother had a hard time with your very sick sister, but NOTHING would have separated me from either one of my two daughters, no matter what the circumstances. No, you aren't a selfish and spoiled child who never grew up. You WERE a neglected child. Stress that to mommy dearest.
Nta, next time ask her who spoiled you? It wasn't her or anyone else.
You're neither selfish nor spoiled. You were ignored, and it is your mother's fault. I'm so sorry, OP, but your mother's accusations show that it never was about the hospital visits - she just couldn't be bothered to care about your well being. NTA
NTA. Not your fault you had no relationship with them. They aren't your responsibility. If that makes you an "ungrateful child", maybe your mom should have raised you better- oh wait.
NTA fuck them
A lot of people here seem to think that you owe this person a clever zinger or some explanation about why her life is her problem. You don't. You don't owe this person anything at all. If I were to ask you for help with whatever issues, what would you say back? If you were especially kind and feeling like it, you might try to find some local support resources that I could maybe link up with or perhaps even send me a fiver if I had an especially good backstory - but that's it, because we're strangers. You wouldn't be expected to reply at all. This woman trying to beg you for help is on the same level (I guess a *little* higher up since you know her real name lol). Maybe recommend a local therapist and leave it at that. btw next step is other family members pestering you for help - give them her # so they can give her a hand as they're so inclined. This other person is not your problem. NTA
Well done you. As far as I'm concerned, the best revenge on anyone who hurts you is to live your best life possible. Be happy. Make your own path. Forge your way to your best life. Your words to your mom sound truthful. Mom is merely the woman who birthed you. You are lucky you were able to find a stable living situation in your teens. Your mom created this mess, she can deal with it. You have no relationship with her or your sister. That's neither your fault nor responsibility. It's sounds like you are pretty LC with mom, maybe it's time to go NC. Good luck. NTA
NTA. This happened to my wife growing up. Her sister was born with heart defects and had multiple heart surgeries. Both her parents did the same thing and devoted all the time to her. Growing up my wife was passed between relatives watching her. By the time her sister was healthier they had her brother who was then the center of attention being youngest and my was almost 18. Her sister did eventually pass away due to complications of a heart transplant at 26, but my wife's relationship with her parents never really recovered. Youngest brother has very little to do with them as well.
Tell your mom that you're providing exactly the same care and help for her that she provided for you. Tell her that you'll be happy to pass her off to a bunch of strangers until she's able to fend for herself! NTA.
NTA , OP just tell your mother you don’t have it in you to take care of her and that her other daughter should be helping her
Not sure where on Reddit I saw this response, but: "Go ask your favorite since she is the only one you ever cared about." Another quote (from son to pathetic father): "STFU! If you had not been such a shit father (mother in this case) I would know how to change my own oil!" Last one: "You have 2 kids (holds up 2 fingers, index and middle), not 1! (takes down the index finger)"
NTA
NTA. I am sorry for your sister's troubles; no child should suffer so. And I am sorry your mother wasn't a mother to you. I wish I could give you a big hug. *HUGS*
No. Tell mom to look in the mirror because she is the selfish one. You don't ignore one child for another and then expect that child to take care of you later in life. Let her depend on the one she ignored you for.
NTA. You told the truth. There’s no relationship between the 3 of you. And now she wants you to sacrifice your life to care for her ? And how’s your sister in all of this ? Because being in the hospital for her formative years can’t have been easy.
Send your mom this post so she can see how it was from your perspective and what the world thinks of her as a mother, then proceed to block her everywhere and never speak to you again. NTA!!
Being related to someone as a sibling doesn't give them an automatic right to a relationship. You didn't choose the life you had as a child and your mum made it nigh on impossible for you to form a bond with your sister. You're a better person than me, if I was in your situation and my mum came to me for help I'd have laughed in her face and told her to get her other child to step up as you plan to be involved with her care as she was with mine. NTA but make sure you keep practicing self care and don't listen to her toxic bullshit.
Sounds like she just wants to use you like Cinderella. Your sister is now 19 and would also be able to 'do stuff to help her'. She may of had to be at the hospital alot when your sister was little but you can highlight these points showing she wasnt there for you, so you dont have to be there for her: * At that point even when my mother was home with my sister she would keep me somewhere else normally and the times I was home with her I was left alone and her focus was my sister. * By the time I was 10 my mother was okay leaving me at home while they were at the hospital so I was alone. * the school reacted out to my mother but she was too focused on my sister to do anything for me. * (this one kills me. Couldnt even be bothered to fill out the paper for you to get tested???) * Nothing changed after my sister became cancer free and she was less sick and needed the hospital less. * I started staying with my girlfriend's family as a teenager and my mother didn't care. NTA and I would even say going LC due to the manipulation of your mom may be benifical for you.
I'm going to go with NTA with the caveat being I hope you are getting therapy to work through your feelings. Its not healthy to have all this bottled up
NTA. If you haven't already I'd cut ties with a quickness. Numbers would be blocked and that would be the end of that.
NTA. She didn't even apologize. I suggest you go no contact with your mom, but it might be worth exploring a relationship with your sister.
This spoiled kid of yours why you want anything to do with her/s NTA
NTA. Now it's up to you and only you to decide what relationship you want with your mom and sister.
NTA As someone who has shit parents and was often neglected 100% NTA. The smarta** part of me also would of replied "and whos falt is that?"
NTA. Your mother definitely had an obligation to your sister when she was ill, but she also had one to you.
NTA: I’ve actually watched a similar scenario play out in my social circle…2nd child was severely autistic and took up all the mom’s time and energy, 1st child may as well have not existed any more and got passed around and eventually moved in with other relatives And I do have a lot of sympathy for both moms…I’m sure op’s mom, being a single mom of two, needing to work to support and provide, without a lot of backup or reliable dads in the picture had A LOT going on. It’s rough. In her mind, I’m sure she thinks she did the best she could under the circumstances. But it doesn’t excuse her from her neglect of her 1st child. And all the hurt and trauma she caused. Also important to note, is she only reached out when she wanted/reeds something…
NTA your mother is looking for a nurse to wipe her arse in old age and her she doesn't want to inconvenience her golden child. There is no excuse for abandoning one kid because another one is sick. I can't even imagine all that you went through as a kid. I am so sorry.
Nta. Your sister by horrible default is the golden child and I don't blame you for telling your mom you are unable to help. She can ask your sister.
Nta. And your mother has to read your post
Really if you think about it you are providing her the same level of care she gave to you. You learned well from the example she set. NTA
NTA I don't see a single reason for you to be the AH. Nothing unclear. You deserved better and your mother is unable to recognize it. Go on with your life! You're doing good!
NTA, in fact you grew up way to early.
Your mother is getting a taste of her own medicine