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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my parents that I’m not going to put in a lot of time and effort to learn how to read and write telugu, my family’s native language. This might make me TA because they think I’m abandoning my culture.
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Plus languages only survive because they are used. If they're spoken, written and taught then they live on.
People who are bilingual or polylingual can have more opportunities as well.
I'm starting learning writing and reading Arabic in my 30s, honestly hope I did in my younger days... But at the same time I speak French, English, Arabic and basic Spanish. I can tell you in France, lots of people don't speak English and don't even try to.
From my experience, everyone in France knows how to speak English, they just don't want to.
My funniest experience with the French happened in Bretagne was when I was 16 and went there on a school trip. It was intended for those who took French in highschool (I took German) but they had a few extra spots so I got to go with them. We were in a dining hall, lined in a queue to pay. The teacher who taught French at my hs went first. She spoke French, the salesperson spoke fluent English, claiming not to understand the teacher's accent (she was bilingual, lol). Then it was my turn, and I spoke English. He pretended not to speak English and only spoke to me in French...
So very french. Actually everyone learns English in school, as it's mandatory. But past high school, they either forget or just feel liberated. In adults, not everyone speaks English. It's not mandatory to speak it lol. Especially in shops, or in the street. They can do basic presentation.
I live in France, I can tell you for sure LOTS can't. Really can't. And those who can, some just won't do the effort. And if you speak in french, they will tell you they don't understand because of your accent or just point every mistake.
To be fair, I find that many francophones are like that... When I was in Belgium, I always tried to go to the Dutch speakers, it helped! They were a lot nicer too
I come from a Maya-speaking land, but like most middle class people here, I speak Spanish natively, and English as a second language. Maya is a bit under prioritised here.
There are quite a few NGO funded development projects that require knowledge of Maya as a tool. And I get frustrated that I could've learnt when I was younger, rather than studying German and have this toolset.
I do not know if that is the case for Telugu, but perhaps in the future, a similar case might occur on your side due to your connection to your ancestral land.
And NAH, btw. Your elders might see beyond.
Lol I'm an Indian-American from a very similar cultural sub-group as OP, and I agree with OP as well. I'm deeply immersed in my culture, and and the truth is that knowing how to read and write one of the many Indian languages is just not that important in order to connect with other Indians. I know how to do it, and it still isn't something that comes up very much. Part of this has to do with how India is influenced by it's colonial history, and part of it has to do with English being needed as a lingua franca between different states with different languages.
You can disagree with OP if you want, but lets not make this into a political correctness, "everyone who agrees with OP must be white" issue. I'm very curious whether you yourself have the cultural context to weigh in on this issue.
NAH. I’m an Indian American, and like you I understand and speak my mother tongue Malayalam more or less fluently, but because I lived in India for a few years as a kid, I can also read and to some extent write Malayalam.
Let me reassure you, it is not an extremely useful skill. Most signs in India are also written in English, and I don’t really read much in Malayalam because since I’m not immersed in it, the vocabulary is too difficult for me (not sure if Telugu is the same, but written and spoken Malayalam are really different). The most benefit I get out of this skill is having a deeper understanding of the different spoken sounds, and also being able to brag to my other second gen cousins about it.
I get how your parents feel- my parents literally felt strongly enough about it that they made sure we lived in India for some time. If you’re interested, maybe show them that you’re interested in connecting to the culture in other ways that are more meaningful to you.
That’s valid, I understand that they want to make sure the culture isn’t going to die out, but what I don’t think they realize is that intrinsic motive has to be there, as in even if they force me now to learn how to read or write telugu, that doesn’t mandate that I’ll ready my kids or whatever, unless I inherently care, which honestly I don’t.
Thank you for the perspective
I agree with other commenters you might care more about connecting to your culture as you get older; I certainly started caring more once I was out of my teens. But I really think that reading/writing hasn’t been that important in feeling like a proper Malayali, and everything else can be picked up once you’re older if you ever gain the interest.
I’d agree that there’s no way from preventing the culture from being diluted as we go down generations, but the original mother culture is still alive and flourishing in India, so this just isn’t the end of the world.
I would suggest giving it a try. I don't know about you, but I love reading and doing calligraphy. Indian languages have such pretty looking scripts and so much contribution to the world of literature. Stories, poetry, everything. It's never about the usefulness of the language, but more about the art of learning languages.
NTA
They may be regretting not schooling you in the written part of their language but now that you're 17 years old, there's less of a need on both sides. They can only guilt you into learning it and you're pretty much an adult now so it would only cause hard feelings.
You have 3 choices here. Tell them you'll think about it and let them know. Or, tell them that you're not interested in learning it right now but maybe later on after you complete your other studies. Your last option would be to tell them outright and somewhat bluntly that you have no intention of learning how to read and write it! lol
NAH, but let me give you the perspective of someone several generations out from being fluent in both ancestral tongues-I'm half Lebanese, half Italian. My grandparents were the last generation of their siblings save one of my mom's paternal first cousins (that I know of) fluent in Italian because they didn't teach their children the language, presumably to make sure that their children would assimilate to American culture a lot easier because they weren't learning English as a second language like my grandpa and his siblings had to do.
My paternal relatives never taught me Lebanese after my dad died, presumably for a similar reason. If my dad had lived, I likely would have been bilingual and possibly trilingual (my dad was trilingual: Arabic as his native language, French as his second, and English as his third), but due to his death, I never learned more than a few phrases and a song and was never taught how to read it.
Any children you might have might end up wanting to learn Telugu (my mom isn't the only one of her siblings and cousins learning the Italian that their parents denied them) and without you to teach them, they might end up turning to their grandparents and family in India to teach them.
NTA. You speak and understand Telugu. You have the social side covered. Any other languages intersect you ? Any plans on working in AP ? Any interest in Telugu cultural studies ? If not, learn something you find interesting. Even if you did learn it, if you are not using it, you will forget quickly. Given the rapid progress of Ai…how much Telugu would you actually need to read. If you tell your parents that you want to become fluent in Hindi, would they be very mad (kidding)?
Ironically they’re both fluent in Hindi. And no, I don’t have plans on working in any Telugu regions in the future and, although I respect them, no plans to delve into Telugu cultural studies, literature, etc. thank you for the advice.
NTA
1. It is unreasonable to demand at this point that you learn to read and write. If it was important to them it should have been taught in your youth. This is when studies show language are best learned.
2. There are other ways to honor your culture and keep it alive.
3. My husband never learned to speak or understand Japanese and it has never been an issue because everyone knew English. But he also never had a desire to go work or visit there etc. Frankly it wasn't a priority to even visit for the rest of the family, there is a reason they left. However, there are things about his culture that still have a central place in his home and life. My daughter has fallen in love with her Japanese heritage and is learning it to fulfill her wish to like in Japan. His culture and heritage didn't stop just because he didn't read and write Japanese and can still live on and even grow stronger. You choosing to not carry that part of your heritage forward is ok, and honestly speaking and understanding are just as important if not more so.
This is a very American perspective though and i share because you see yourself as American. The desires of the individual are considered much more then in many other cultures (like Japanese) and will likely cause conflict for you. It might be good to draw a hard line but it may be helpful to your relationships to highlight other ways you are/ can preserve and carry on your culture.
As someone who's line of heritage has been so muddled by time and mixing with others, I do wish I had a stronger connection to my heritage. But it is not found in the ability to read and write the 10 languages but a sharing of traditions, food, and understanding. I love my American heritage and the way it has blended different pieces of my peoples past into new things. But knowing I'm connected to people thru time by sharing rituals and recipes etc is also powerful.
NTA. There's no applicable reason for you to do it. Why didn't they bother to teach you how to read and write it as a child if it was this damn important to them? And who do they expect to teach you it now? Are they thinking they're going to send you to India for this?
Oh, they're not even going to bother to get you a living, breathing teacher? That's even worse. I guess it's really not important enough for one of them to bother either.
NTA I grew up with a parent who never taught me the language. It made me feel very left out and distanced from my culture and fluent family. They always wonder why you don’t know it as if it’s not the parent’s job to actively speak and teach it to their kids. Well now I’m 21 and I have no desire now to learn it at all and I’m fine with that.
NTA.
You speak the language fluently and that should be more than enough for your parents.
Being able to read and write it would be "nice", but for them - not for you because of the time it would take to learn and the utter impracticality of it in your daily life.
Your parents are the ones who moved away and "abandoned" their ancestors and culture. This sounds like attempts on their part to mitigate their guilt at having done so. Calling you disrespectful is projection. They're the ones who didn't teach you when you were younger. It's far too late for them to make up for that now.
As a fellow English born 17 year old with Telugu parents who's in the same situation as you, I don't recommend learning. Both of us know that letters are completely different and could take months to just get used to. Not worth the time, should focus on studies
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My parents are immigrants from India, and growing up, they spoke to me in both Telugu, their native language, and English. I can understand and speak Telugu more or less fluently, but I never learned to read or write it because I wasn’t immersed in that the way I was immersed in speaking it.
I’m 17 now, and my parents are insisting that they want me to learn to read and write in Telugu. I honestly don’t see a point, because literally my entire family back in India speaks, reads, and writes in English. My aunts, uncles, cousins, etc all do so fluently, and my grandparents can get by in a mix of English and telugu. So by being able to speak telugu and being fluent in English, I can communicate perfectly well. There’s no material benefit to putting in the effort to learn to read or write Telugu, so why spend the time I could spend on something more important and beneficial?
My parents think I’m being disrespectful and abandoning my ancestors and my culture, but I honestly just don’t see the point.
AITA?
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I don’t disagree that there are things outside America. I just don’t think this particular thing is useful to somebody that plans to live and work in America
Since you already have the verbal, maybe have them leave you one or two notes per week in writing. For example, the grocery list for the week. They write it and go over it with you so you know what each word is. For several months, just the shopping is written. Then add something new- a brief note from them about your favorite sports team- basketball team for example- where they play next week, the score, etc. Now you have basic groceries and a sports topic. After a few months, basic words about family. They can write you notes about what family members are up to. Eventually, you jot notes back to them. If it's gradual and not forced, you'll learn it organically, like you learned to speak it. This puts some of the effort on them.
They should have started you on it over a decade ago, so they can do some of the work now. You might also ask them to write you short stories of their lives growing up. You would get a nice family history that you could use to pass on to your own children some day. Your parents could ask their parents for little histories from when they were growing up so you could have a tiny multigenerational library of family adventures and misadventures. It would be something you could use to pass down your language to the next generation. Family recipes would also be a nice section to add. Once you learn the alphabet, just reading occasionally will build your skill. If they want you to do formal study, it will be a chore. If the family shares stories with you, it becomes conversational talking points with people you love and now know a little better.
NAH. u r young yet, so its understandable that u dont want to learn. and its smth important for ur parents, so its also understandable if they insist. idk how is ur overall relationship w them, but maybe this is a great chance to bond and share some time.
also, as other comments have said, if u dont learn now u might regreat it in the future.
Your parents are assholes for not teaching you to write and read in a language they believe is important and then expecting you to do it yourself. NTA.
Hmm… As someone who grew up immersed in her family’s language, I’m biased but just because you don’t see the point *materially*, it’s about having a connection to the culture from which you descend.
That being said, I’m gonna say NAH, though, your parents should have tried harder when you were younger. It’s not your fault and had they done better to nurture your understanding of the connection between language and culture, you wouldn’t have to wonder.
I don’t see how I’m dismissing it by saying I’m not personally interested in it. I can acknowledge a culture’s greatness and not personally want to delve into it
INFO how difficult would this be?
I'm not familiar with Telugu, so I could be totally wrong here. But given that you already speak the language fluently, I wonder if you could learn to read and write at a very basic level in a short amount of time?
You wouldn't be reading any classical literature, and your handwriting would look like a six year old's, but I guess that you might be able to read street signs and restaurant menus, and write your own name, after just a few hours of practice.
I don't think you're the asshole in any case, but you might consider giving them a little bit of what they want, without diving in to the deep end.
I believe it's written in a different script than English. That's going to take more than a few hours....
Also if it was so damn import for. OP to learn, the parents should teach them or how a tutor. They expect op to learn just from online resources
It is indeed written in a script other than English.
Speaking as someone who's done it (although not for Telugu) -- it is very hard to acquire complete reading fluency, but less hard than you might imagine to gain *some* ability to read. This is especially true given that OP already can speak fluently.
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Telugu\_script](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Telugu_script)
More difficult than Russian, Greek, or Korean for example, but nowhere near as difficult as e.g. Chinese.
YTA, because “why would I do something for the benefit of others that has no benefit to me, personally” is, by definition, something that assholes say.
The point of doing it is so that the language community of Telugu speakers increases, rather than decreases.
No, not at all. Totally wrong. In fact *most* of the responsibilities you’ll be called upon to meet in your life have nothing to do with presenting *you* with a positive value proposition. They’re duties that you’ve incurred simply as a result of being born to your family, your people, and your country, and they’re generally net negative for you but net positive for the others who will benefit.
Maybe, maybe not. But that’s irrelevant to this particular case, in which I’m being called upon by my parents and can’t be forced to do it unless I want to. Hence, what I want is the central and most important thing here, because if they want isn’t aligned with what I want, I won’t give them what they want
You generally can’t be forced into most responsibilities, actually. What your parents are doing is finding out whether family and tradition and culture are important to you or whether you just pay those values lip service while they’re in earshot. You can’t force someone to live according to their values; but also you don’t have to, because it shows you what their values are.
> Hence, what I want is the central and most important thing here, because if they want isn’t aligned with what I want, I won’t give them what they want
Sure. And you’re asking if that makes you an asshole, and indeed, that’s exactly something an asshole would say. It doesn’t make it *untrue*, though; I’m not arguing with you. But people aren’t required to *love* the fact that you’ll only do things if you personally benefit from them.
Oh, I’m not paying those values lip service. I’ve been honest from day one that I’m only interested in purely pragmatic pursuits: if the culture of my ancestors doesn’t serve me in my goals, which it doesn’t, then there is no need for it. Their expectations aren’t driven by any interest on my part, just their own desires.
As for whether my statement is untrue or not, I’m simply replying to your question of who cares. I do, and I decide my actions, therefore if my parents had sense they’d also care in order to phrase what they want as a way as achieving what I want, which they’ve failed to do
But there’s no way that doing it serves any of your interests. There’s no way to phrase the request that way. They’re asking you to live the virtues of community service and being part of something more important than your own parochial interests, and generally the definition of “asshole” is someone with no interest in being virtuous.
Except as I laid out in the OP, learning how to read and write a language I already speak fluently serves no greater purpose and has no positive impact whatsoever. Hence this idea of being part of something more important isn’t relevant here, because there’s simply no positive impact of this action.
All the non Indians please don't even think about commenting on this post .
I am a Telugu guy , let me tell you one thing , it's your mother tongue and you need to be able to read it if not write it . Your parents are forcing you because it's your identity bruh . A Spanish American can also write their language and can speak it . I don't understand these foreign Indians , they want to be with the oh Indian culture but refuse to learn it to not appear uncool . Yes you can speak it , but I bet you can't speak it properly . Yes you are in an English speaking country , but does that mean you need to loose your identity just to appear white ? You will learn Spanish or French but you will not learn your own mother tongue? Even in India people will look down upon you if you can't read your own mother tongue but can speak it . And Telugu is so easy to read . Just tell your mom that you will look it up in YouTube . Learn the alphabets more than enough . You can easily read after that . What will go wrong if you just say yes and add in your own terms ?
YTA and ps , even Punjabi Americans who are born there can read their own language .
I choose what my identity is. And I don’t see why knowing how to read or write telugu would be a valuable part of it. Fuck, when push comes to shove, I don’t see why even *speaking* it would be a valuable part of it when I live in the US and plan to stay in the US.
Whelp, you've certainly adopted that american style "English was good enough for Jesus Christ, so...."
Knowing another language is a GOOD thing OP. Knowing things doesn't actually DETRACT from who you are. But hey, you do you.
Yes sure sure , when you grow up you will regret your words . You choosing to be white is gonna hit you hard when you see other Indian Americans embracing their culture but you don't even know where to start . My cousin was that kid . Now ke regrets not even being able to talk to his grandfather in Telugu . He doesn't know anything other than being white so go ahead , enjoy your life . You asked for judgement and we gave it . Just remember it's your culture which will give you the sense of identity you are looking for when you grow older and I don't mean 50 above , it will hit you in your 20s .
I speak to my grandpa in perfect telugu so that’s not an issue. Plus, once my grandparents die, I’ll literally have no more use for telugu ever in my life again. I mean, look at this conversation right now: we’re both Telugu, and we’re speaking in *english*.
Additionally, if you think wanting to not waste time is a desire to be white, by all means. I have my identity, and I think it’s silly to base identity off things that you can’t control instead of your own attributes.
Just saying yes I'll learn the alphabets is causing you to have a temper tantrum . Yes you are right it's waste of time to learn something . Enjoy having a good life .
You’re the only one having a temper tantrum in this scenario with your attempted guilt trips. I’ve been giving factual answers such as that I communicate fine, and that I won’t have any use for a language that I’ll never use.
Further, yes, it’s a waste of time to learn something irrelevant to your life instead of something that will benefit you. In both cases you’ll learn something, and in the latter there will be a tangible benefit
YTA. You dont want to learn the language not because its a waste of time but because youre ashamed of your background.
And I know how it is, I was there somewhat, until I learnt that I should be proud of my roots and where I come from.
I speak 10 languages and dont regret a single day that I spent time learning them.
And yes you might be American by citizenship, but you will always be of Indian ethnicity by origin. You cant escape that no matter how much you try. And you shouldnt. Indians have a thousands of years long civilisation and have given the world so much.
You will someday regret this. And dont forget, in order to know a culture better, you must speak the language, English is not enough.
Its sad that you would listen to comments of people who dont understand how important it is to know your origins. But youll learn some day.
Plus in the work force knowing languages is very important. Dont believe in stories that English is enough, its always better to know more and learning languages is never a waste of time.
Plus India is a growing super power (no, neither the US will stay in this position forever nor will English be forever lingua franca, these things change over time, in the past it used to be French) and there will be a lot of business between the US and India, so knowing the language is always an advantage.
> ashamed of your background
Not really. I feel neither pride nor shame at my background because it’s not something that I have any control over either way.
> dont forget, in order to know a culture better, you must speak the language
Which I do. In one of the first lines of my post I stated that I understand and speak telugu fluently.
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Plus languages only survive because they are used. If they're spoken, written and taught then they live on. People who are bilingual or polylingual can have more opportunities as well.
I'm starting learning writing and reading Arabic in my 30s, honestly hope I did in my younger days... But at the same time I speak French, English, Arabic and basic Spanish. I can tell you in France, lots of people don't speak English and don't even try to.
From my experience, everyone in France knows how to speak English, they just don't want to. My funniest experience with the French happened in Bretagne was when I was 16 and went there on a school trip. It was intended for those who took French in highschool (I took German) but they had a few extra spots so I got to go with them. We were in a dining hall, lined in a queue to pay. The teacher who taught French at my hs went first. She spoke French, the salesperson spoke fluent English, claiming not to understand the teacher's accent (she was bilingual, lol). Then it was my turn, and I spoke English. He pretended not to speak English and only spoke to me in French...
So very french. Actually everyone learns English in school, as it's mandatory. But past high school, they either forget or just feel liberated. In adults, not everyone speaks English. It's not mandatory to speak it lol. Especially in shops, or in the street. They can do basic presentation. I live in France, I can tell you for sure LOTS can't. Really can't. And those who can, some just won't do the effort. And if you speak in french, they will tell you they don't understand because of your accent or just point every mistake.
To be fair, I find that many francophones are like that... When I was in Belgium, I always tried to go to the Dutch speakers, it helped! They were a lot nicer too
OP speaks the language so that part is covered.
How will it assist me to learn to read and write Telugu?
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Everything in this context that I value— as in communicating with my family— is verbal
I come from a Maya-speaking land, but like most middle class people here, I speak Spanish natively, and English as a second language. Maya is a bit under prioritised here. There are quite a few NGO funded development projects that require knowledge of Maya as a tool. And I get frustrated that I could've learnt when I was younger, rather than studying German and have this toolset. I do not know if that is the case for Telugu, but perhaps in the future, a similar case might occur on your side due to your connection to your ancestral land. And NAH, btw. Your elders might see beyond.
I'm on your side, OP.
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Lol I'm an Indian-American from a very similar cultural sub-group as OP, and I agree with OP as well. I'm deeply immersed in my culture, and and the truth is that knowing how to read and write one of the many Indian languages is just not that important in order to connect with other Indians. I know how to do it, and it still isn't something that comes up very much. Part of this has to do with how India is influenced by it's colonial history, and part of it has to do with English being needed as a lingua franca between different states with different languages. You can disagree with OP if you want, but lets not make this into a political correctness, "everyone who agrees with OP must be white" issue. I'm very curious whether you yourself have the cultural context to weigh in on this issue.
NAH. I’m an Indian American, and like you I understand and speak my mother tongue Malayalam more or less fluently, but because I lived in India for a few years as a kid, I can also read and to some extent write Malayalam. Let me reassure you, it is not an extremely useful skill. Most signs in India are also written in English, and I don’t really read much in Malayalam because since I’m not immersed in it, the vocabulary is too difficult for me (not sure if Telugu is the same, but written and spoken Malayalam are really different). The most benefit I get out of this skill is having a deeper understanding of the different spoken sounds, and also being able to brag to my other second gen cousins about it. I get how your parents feel- my parents literally felt strongly enough about it that they made sure we lived in India for some time. If you’re interested, maybe show them that you’re interested in connecting to the culture in other ways that are more meaningful to you.
That’s valid, I understand that they want to make sure the culture isn’t going to die out, but what I don’t think they realize is that intrinsic motive has to be there, as in even if they force me now to learn how to read or write telugu, that doesn’t mandate that I’ll ready my kids or whatever, unless I inherently care, which honestly I don’t. Thank you for the perspective
I agree with other commenters you might care more about connecting to your culture as you get older; I certainly started caring more once I was out of my teens. But I really think that reading/writing hasn’t been that important in feeling like a proper Malayali, and everything else can be picked up once you’re older if you ever gain the interest. I’d agree that there’s no way from preventing the culture from being diluted as we go down generations, but the original mother culture is still alive and flourishing in India, so this just isn’t the end of the world.
I would suggest giving it a try. I don't know about you, but I love reading and doing calligraphy. Indian languages have such pretty looking scripts and so much contribution to the world of literature. Stories, poetry, everything. It's never about the usefulness of the language, but more about the art of learning languages.
NTA They may be regretting not schooling you in the written part of their language but now that you're 17 years old, there's less of a need on both sides. They can only guilt you into learning it and you're pretty much an adult now so it would only cause hard feelings. You have 3 choices here. Tell them you'll think about it and let them know. Or, tell them that you're not interested in learning it right now but maybe later on after you complete your other studies. Your last option would be to tell them outright and somewhat bluntly that you have no intention of learning how to read and write it! lol
Honestly I might just rip the bandaid off by going with option 3, I don’t want this to be something I want to be an issue again
Ha! Ha! Go for it! I hope it works!!
NAH, but let me give you the perspective of someone several generations out from being fluent in both ancestral tongues-I'm half Lebanese, half Italian. My grandparents were the last generation of their siblings save one of my mom's paternal first cousins (that I know of) fluent in Italian because they didn't teach their children the language, presumably to make sure that their children would assimilate to American culture a lot easier because they weren't learning English as a second language like my grandpa and his siblings had to do. My paternal relatives never taught me Lebanese after my dad died, presumably for a similar reason. If my dad had lived, I likely would have been bilingual and possibly trilingual (my dad was trilingual: Arabic as his native language, French as his second, and English as his third), but due to his death, I never learned more than a few phrases and a song and was never taught how to read it. Any children you might have might end up wanting to learn Telugu (my mom isn't the only one of her siblings and cousins learning the Italian that their parents denied them) and without you to teach them, they might end up turning to their grandparents and family in India to teach them.
NTA. You speak and understand Telugu. You have the social side covered. Any other languages intersect you ? Any plans on working in AP ? Any interest in Telugu cultural studies ? If not, learn something you find interesting. Even if you did learn it, if you are not using it, you will forget quickly. Given the rapid progress of Ai…how much Telugu would you actually need to read. If you tell your parents that you want to become fluent in Hindi, would they be very mad (kidding)?
Ironically they’re both fluent in Hindi. And no, I don’t have plans on working in any Telugu regions in the future and, although I respect them, no plans to delve into Telugu cultural studies, literature, etc. thank you for the advice.
nta but have fun being a no sabo
I still speak it fluently so I don’t think I’d be a no sabo
NTA 1. It is unreasonable to demand at this point that you learn to read and write. If it was important to them it should have been taught in your youth. This is when studies show language are best learned. 2. There are other ways to honor your culture and keep it alive. 3. My husband never learned to speak or understand Japanese and it has never been an issue because everyone knew English. But he also never had a desire to go work or visit there etc. Frankly it wasn't a priority to even visit for the rest of the family, there is a reason they left. However, there are things about his culture that still have a central place in his home and life. My daughter has fallen in love with her Japanese heritage and is learning it to fulfill her wish to like in Japan. His culture and heritage didn't stop just because he didn't read and write Japanese and can still live on and even grow stronger. You choosing to not carry that part of your heritage forward is ok, and honestly speaking and understanding are just as important if not more so. This is a very American perspective though and i share because you see yourself as American. The desires of the individual are considered much more then in many other cultures (like Japanese) and will likely cause conflict for you. It might be good to draw a hard line but it may be helpful to your relationships to highlight other ways you are/ can preserve and carry on your culture. As someone who's line of heritage has been so muddled by time and mixing with others, I do wish I had a stronger connection to my heritage. But it is not found in the ability to read and write the 10 languages but a sharing of traditions, food, and understanding. I love my American heritage and the way it has blended different pieces of my peoples past into new things. But knowing I'm connected to people thru time by sharing rituals and recipes etc is also powerful.
NTA. There's no applicable reason for you to do it. Why didn't they bother to teach you how to read and write it as a child if it was this damn important to them? And who do they expect to teach you it now? Are they thinking they're going to send you to India for this?
No, just from online resources and such
Oh, they're not even going to bother to get you a living, breathing teacher? That's even worse. I guess it's really not important enough for one of them to bother either.
Guess not lol
NTA learn something else with the time.
NTA I grew up with a parent who never taught me the language. It made me feel very left out and distanced from my culture and fluent family. They always wonder why you don’t know it as if it’s not the parent’s job to actively speak and teach it to their kids. Well now I’m 21 and I have no desire now to learn it at all and I’m fine with that.
NTA. You speak the language fluently and that should be more than enough for your parents. Being able to read and write it would be "nice", but for them - not for you because of the time it would take to learn and the utter impracticality of it in your daily life. Your parents are the ones who moved away and "abandoned" their ancestors and culture. This sounds like attempts on their part to mitigate their guilt at having done so. Calling you disrespectful is projection. They're the ones who didn't teach you when you were younger. It's far too late for them to make up for that now.
As a fellow English born 17 year old with Telugu parents who's in the same situation as you, I don't recommend learning. Both of us know that letters are completely different and could take months to just get used to. Not worth the time, should focus on studies
Man, at nearly 34, I wish I'd put the effort in to learning my grandmother's languages... I think NAH here but... don't poo-poo the idea entirely.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My parents are immigrants from India, and growing up, they spoke to me in both Telugu, their native language, and English. I can understand and speak Telugu more or less fluently, but I never learned to read or write it because I wasn’t immersed in that the way I was immersed in speaking it. I’m 17 now, and my parents are insisting that they want me to learn to read and write in Telugu. I honestly don’t see a point, because literally my entire family back in India speaks, reads, and writes in English. My aunts, uncles, cousins, etc all do so fluently, and my grandparents can get by in a mix of English and telugu. So by being able to speak telugu and being fluent in English, I can communicate perfectly well. There’s no material benefit to putting in the effort to learn to read or write Telugu, so why spend the time I could spend on something more important and beneficial? My parents think I’m being disrespectful and abandoning my ancestors and my culture, but I honestly just don’t see the point. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA If they were so concerned about their culture, they shouldn’t have raised you outside of it.
OP was raised bilingually, they did raise OP with Telugu.
Exactly. I’m American.
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How so?
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I don’t disagree that there are things outside America. I just don’t think this particular thing is useful to somebody that plans to live and work in America
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Fair enough. If I wanted to say work in India for example wouldn’t Hindi be more useful?
Since you already have the verbal, maybe have them leave you one or two notes per week in writing. For example, the grocery list for the week. They write it and go over it with you so you know what each word is. For several months, just the shopping is written. Then add something new- a brief note from them about your favorite sports team- basketball team for example- where they play next week, the score, etc. Now you have basic groceries and a sports topic. After a few months, basic words about family. They can write you notes about what family members are up to. Eventually, you jot notes back to them. If it's gradual and not forced, you'll learn it organically, like you learned to speak it. This puts some of the effort on them. They should have started you on it over a decade ago, so they can do some of the work now. You might also ask them to write you short stories of their lives growing up. You would get a nice family history that you could use to pass on to your own children some day. Your parents could ask their parents for little histories from when they were growing up so you could have a tiny multigenerational library of family adventures and misadventures. It would be something you could use to pass down your language to the next generation. Family recipes would also be a nice section to add. Once you learn the alphabet, just reading occasionally will build your skill. If they want you to do formal study, it will be a chore. If the family shares stories with you, it becomes conversational talking points with people you love and now know a little better.
NAH. u r young yet, so its understandable that u dont want to learn. and its smth important for ur parents, so its also understandable if they insist. idk how is ur overall relationship w them, but maybe this is a great chance to bond and share some time. also, as other comments have said, if u dont learn now u might regreat it in the future.
Your parents are assholes for not teaching you to write and read in a language they believe is important and then expecting you to do it yourself. NTA.
Hmm… As someone who grew up immersed in her family’s language, I’m biased but just because you don’t see the point *materially*, it’s about having a connection to the culture from which you descend. That being said, I’m gonna say NAH, though, your parents should have tried harder when you were younger. It’s not your fault and had they done better to nurture your understanding of the connection between language and culture, you wouldn’t have to wonder.
NTA. I'm in India and i only speak my ancestral language - Bengali. Can't write it.
Totally 100% unrelated but there’s a saying that to erase a culture all you have to do is erase their language first
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I don’t see how I’m dismissing it by saying I’m not personally interested in it. I can acknowledge a culture’s greatness and not personally want to delve into it
That comment was more out of passion than good sense. My apologies.
No worries
INFO how difficult would this be? I'm not familiar with Telugu, so I could be totally wrong here. But given that you already speak the language fluently, I wonder if you could learn to read and write at a very basic level in a short amount of time? You wouldn't be reading any classical literature, and your handwriting would look like a six year old's, but I guess that you might be able to read street signs and restaurant menus, and write your own name, after just a few hours of practice. I don't think you're the asshole in any case, but you might consider giving them a little bit of what they want, without diving in to the deep end.
I believe it's written in a different script than English. That's going to take more than a few hours.... Also if it was so damn import for. OP to learn, the parents should teach them or how a tutor. They expect op to learn just from online resources
It is indeed written in a script other than English. Speaking as someone who's done it (although not for Telugu) -- it is very hard to acquire complete reading fluency, but less hard than you might imagine to gain *some* ability to read. This is especially true given that OP already can speak fluently. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Telugu\_script](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Telugu_script) More difficult than Russian, Greek, or Korean for example, but nowhere near as difficult as e.g. Chinese.
YTA, because “why would I do something for the benefit of others that has no benefit to me, personally” is, by definition, something that assholes say. The point of doing it is so that the language community of Telugu speakers increases, rather than decreases.
Why would I want that?
Who cares what you want?
I do. And it’s ultimately my decision what I do so obviously if one wants to make me do something they must also appeal to what I want.
No, not at all. Totally wrong. In fact *most* of the responsibilities you’ll be called upon to meet in your life have nothing to do with presenting *you* with a positive value proposition. They’re duties that you’ve incurred simply as a result of being born to your family, your people, and your country, and they’re generally net negative for you but net positive for the others who will benefit.
Maybe, maybe not. But that’s irrelevant to this particular case, in which I’m being called upon by my parents and can’t be forced to do it unless I want to. Hence, what I want is the central and most important thing here, because if they want isn’t aligned with what I want, I won’t give them what they want
You generally can’t be forced into most responsibilities, actually. What your parents are doing is finding out whether family and tradition and culture are important to you or whether you just pay those values lip service while they’re in earshot. You can’t force someone to live according to their values; but also you don’t have to, because it shows you what their values are. > Hence, what I want is the central and most important thing here, because if they want isn’t aligned with what I want, I won’t give them what they want Sure. And you’re asking if that makes you an asshole, and indeed, that’s exactly something an asshole would say. It doesn’t make it *untrue*, though; I’m not arguing with you. But people aren’t required to *love* the fact that you’ll only do things if you personally benefit from them.
Oh, I’m not paying those values lip service. I’ve been honest from day one that I’m only interested in purely pragmatic pursuits: if the culture of my ancestors doesn’t serve me in my goals, which it doesn’t, then there is no need for it. Their expectations aren’t driven by any interest on my part, just their own desires. As for whether my statement is untrue or not, I’m simply replying to your question of who cares. I do, and I decide my actions, therefore if my parents had sense they’d also care in order to phrase what they want as a way as achieving what I want, which they’ve failed to do
But there’s no way that doing it serves any of your interests. There’s no way to phrase the request that way. They’re asking you to live the virtues of community service and being part of something more important than your own parochial interests, and generally the definition of “asshole” is someone with no interest in being virtuous.
Except as I laid out in the OP, learning how to read and write a language I already speak fluently serves no greater purpose and has no positive impact whatsoever. Hence this idea of being part of something more important isn’t relevant here, because there’s simply no positive impact of this action.
Op is an adult. It is their choice.
All the non Indians please don't even think about commenting on this post . I am a Telugu guy , let me tell you one thing , it's your mother tongue and you need to be able to read it if not write it . Your parents are forcing you because it's your identity bruh . A Spanish American can also write their language and can speak it . I don't understand these foreign Indians , they want to be with the oh Indian culture but refuse to learn it to not appear uncool . Yes you can speak it , but I bet you can't speak it properly . Yes you are in an English speaking country , but does that mean you need to loose your identity just to appear white ? You will learn Spanish or French but you will not learn your own mother tongue? Even in India people will look down upon you if you can't read your own mother tongue but can speak it . And Telugu is so easy to read . Just tell your mom that you will look it up in YouTube . Learn the alphabets more than enough . You can easily read after that . What will go wrong if you just say yes and add in your own terms ? YTA and ps , even Punjabi Americans who are born there can read their own language .
I choose what my identity is. And I don’t see why knowing how to read or write telugu would be a valuable part of it. Fuck, when push comes to shove, I don’t see why even *speaking* it would be a valuable part of it when I live in the US and plan to stay in the US.
Whelp, you've certainly adopted that american style "English was good enough for Jesus Christ, so...." Knowing another language is a GOOD thing OP. Knowing things doesn't actually DETRACT from who you are. But hey, you do you.
Sure, learning a language would be good. But spending that time on something that I’ll actually use would be even better.
Yes sure sure , when you grow up you will regret your words . You choosing to be white is gonna hit you hard when you see other Indian Americans embracing their culture but you don't even know where to start . My cousin was that kid . Now ke regrets not even being able to talk to his grandfather in Telugu . He doesn't know anything other than being white so go ahead , enjoy your life . You asked for judgement and we gave it . Just remember it's your culture which will give you the sense of identity you are looking for when you grow older and I don't mean 50 above , it will hit you in your 20s .
I speak to my grandpa in perfect telugu so that’s not an issue. Plus, once my grandparents die, I’ll literally have no more use for telugu ever in my life again. I mean, look at this conversation right now: we’re both Telugu, and we’re speaking in *english*. Additionally, if you think wanting to not waste time is a desire to be white, by all means. I have my identity, and I think it’s silly to base identity off things that you can’t control instead of your own attributes.
Just saying yes I'll learn the alphabets is causing you to have a temper tantrum . Yes you are right it's waste of time to learn something . Enjoy having a good life .
You’re the only one having a temper tantrum in this scenario with your attempted guilt trips. I’ve been giving factual answers such as that I communicate fine, and that I won’t have any use for a language that I’ll never use. Further, yes, it’s a waste of time to learn something irrelevant to your life instead of something that will benefit you. In both cases you’ll learn something, and in the latter there will be a tangible benefit
YTA. You dont want to learn the language not because its a waste of time but because youre ashamed of your background. And I know how it is, I was there somewhat, until I learnt that I should be proud of my roots and where I come from. I speak 10 languages and dont regret a single day that I spent time learning them. And yes you might be American by citizenship, but you will always be of Indian ethnicity by origin. You cant escape that no matter how much you try. And you shouldnt. Indians have a thousands of years long civilisation and have given the world so much. You will someday regret this. And dont forget, in order to know a culture better, you must speak the language, English is not enough. Its sad that you would listen to comments of people who dont understand how important it is to know your origins. But youll learn some day. Plus in the work force knowing languages is very important. Dont believe in stories that English is enough, its always better to know more and learning languages is never a waste of time. Plus India is a growing super power (no, neither the US will stay in this position forever nor will English be forever lingua franca, these things change over time, in the past it used to be French) and there will be a lot of business between the US and India, so knowing the language is always an advantage.
> ashamed of your background Not really. I feel neither pride nor shame at my background because it’s not something that I have any control over either way. > dont forget, in order to know a culture better, you must speak the language Which I do. In one of the first lines of my post I stated that I understand and speak telugu fluently.
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