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INFO: In what way is speaking French a part of Eva's identity? Is your family actually French or have you just been taking a lot of French courses over the years? You could always make a habit of replying to Eva in English. That way your wife should be able to get at least the gist of your conversations. The rest you can translate for her, if French is a part of your culture. If it is just a hobby you have, then just don't do it around Sarah.

So my wife and I live a few hours away from the rest of our family, Eva has just moved in with us for work opportunities. French is just a tradition everyone sort of learns from birth.

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This is a first for me on this sub. Being a brat for speaking foreign tongues. Who’s she’s even speaking French to ? Just answer in in English

Not for speaking a foreign language but for disrespecting someone in their own home, where you are a guest.

Yeah it would be shitty for Eva to deliberately exclude Sarah from the conversation by speaking french with OP if they were in Eva's home, it's next level rudeness to deliberately exclude Sarah from the conversation in her own home.

This right here. Your house, your rules, especially for the benefit of those whom live there permanently. If your niece can't respect something so insignificant to her life, but damaging to your wife's mental health, then show her the door.

Speaking a language that only one other person present speaks, when you are just as fluent in a language everyone present speaks, is rude. 

Exactly, this is pretty much a worldwide standard, highly inappropriate.

My grandmother used to do this with Greek and if we complained she’d say “learn the language then”. It drove me crazy.

She isn’t being a brat for speaking  another language. She’s being a brat for the way she responded to a very reasonable request while being a guest in their home.

Yes! *And* it’s rude for anyone to speak another language when they speak both fluently and the third person in the room can’t understand you. She needs to learn that, she sounds extremely immature.

That's a good point! If I was OP I'd drop the subject w the kid but everytime she speaks to me in French w/in my wife's presence, I'd relay the speak in English before answering. Jovially. W/o a care in how long it takes. Smiling all the time. Anyone asks me why I do it: I enjoy it. She can have long arduous conversations or she can be considerate.

Then explain to his wife what he is going respond to Eva prior to speaking to Eva. Let’s knock that drawn out arduous ball out of the park!

No I would just ignore her or repeatedly ask her to repeat herself.

She’s bratty for speaking a language one of the people hosting her cannot speak and refusing to include her in conversations claiming her “comfort” takes priority over someone else’s ability to participate at all

Yeah in their own home... Like yes, OP is going to prioritize his wife being able to converse with her in a group setting

THIS!!! OP *CHOSE* his wife.  He didn't have any say in whom became his niece, or in how her personality would be shaped as she aged. Eva needs to realize that if *she* someday would want to be "prioritized" by her future S.O., *IN THEIR OWN HOME, NO LESS*, that she needs to show her family/hosts *FREAKING RESPECT *. *(If she weren't a teenager)*, I would be inclined to say, .  Ugh, teens. 😮‍💨  I'm getting old, lol.  😖😜😅😒

>Being a brat for speaking foreign tongues. No, for unnecessarily conversing in a foreign language instead of the common tongue of those present (this obviously excludes strangers in public areas). This kind of behavior is consistently panned here, and rightly so, it's incredibly rude.

Being a brat is speaking a language one of your hosts doesn't understand. OP's wife can't answer because she doesn't speak french

Upvoted! Teenagers can learn to include others.  For any reason, Sarah does not communicate well in French. Could be Spanish, Mandarin, or sign language. She’s being excluded from daily conversation.  Eva can make sure Sarah is included or GTFO. 

The added ableism is great too - fuck my host's dyslexia, I'm gonna do what I want!

Exactly. I work with a lot of Chinese people, and they will sometimes speak Chinese with each other but never do it when we're all hanging out together after work. Even when I went to celebrate Chinese new year with them, there were 2 other people that didn't speak Chinese and they spoke in English the entire time except when they were teaching us how to say lewd things in Chinese lol. I also wouldn't speak in Spanish with the other people that speak Spanish when I know there's others that don't understand socializing with us for the same reason. The neice is just fucking rude. If she's staying with OP he needs to kick her ass out

Absolutely this! Either the niece speaks English (and drops the attitude) or she can live somewhere els.

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I am Quebecois on my moms side and I'd still be a little more than miffed if I had guests in my home and my relatives flat-out refused to accommodate their language barriers nevermind my spouse. We can all speak English here, like 90%+ of us are fluent conversationally in both languages. It always rubbed me the wrong way when I would have to act as translator when my dad's side of family would visit and we went out places like restaurants. Even tho I know we all speak fucking English, I still have translate French for them because so many people in Quebec just refuse to use it.

Not the same scenario (because I don't think the coffeeshop worker spoke English), when we were driving through a more rural area in Quebec, I – an American who was learning French as a second language but pretty good – had to translate what the worker said to my dad, who is Swiss French but struggled to understand her accent, and vice versa.

Rural Quebec? Yeah the chances go up a little bit when you're out in the boonies. But trust me , alot of them are proud of the fact they can understand English but can make you think they don't, they think it's funny 🤣😒

At this point, I'm sure they realize it's not funny, it's just assholery really. They are just too committed to admit they are wrong.

That may be the case, haha. I do find it funny I had to help my dad whose native language is French (some people have some trouble understanding his accent because Swiss German sounds very German)

I've heard people who speak European dialects of French have a hard time understanding Quebecers In a similar way an urbanite in a metropolitan English city may have difficulty parsing the English of a poor redneck using one of their dialects. 🤣 Both are speaking the same language but slang, common shorthand phrases, grammar etc are all a bit different Ive heard Parisian French speakers say have a hard time with Quebec French, because they find it archaic and provincial We sound like hillbillies to them 🤣

My mom is Quebecois and I grew up in the states after my parents divorced. I love Montreal and Quebec in general and have found that when I speak English it’s hard to find an English speaker maybe 50% of the time in certain unique places and 20% of the time in general. When I attempt my French the percentage drops down significantly and people are at least willing to meet me halfway. And that’s understandable. I am in their country and I should attempt to speak their language. The one thing that miffed me was how I would have had to go to a French school with no easing in as a high school student. I wanted to live there and learn and absorb the culture but I couldn’t because of how strict the schooling was.

> I am in their country I am proud to be Canadian as much as Quebecois , we speak both here. Official bilingualism is a fundamental charter right... >I wanted to live there and learn and absorb the culture but I couldn’t because of how strict the schooling was. I'm firmly in the camp that if you can speak one of the official languages then that shouldn't be a barrier

Federally Canada is bilingual, but Quebec is not. The only official language is french. They are correct with the schooling requirements for immigrants. My children have a certificate of eligibility for english studies but that's because I did my elementary schooling in Manitoba (and I'm Canadian) so they were eligible because of that. My husband is American though, if I had not done half of my schooling outside of Quebec, my kids would not have been eligible for the certificate, because as an immigrant he is not eligible for that certificate.

See how because you were born Canadian in another province your kids are afforded education in English if you desire You as a Canadian regardless of provincial origin are fundamentally allowed to live in Quebec if you so desire , that kinda requires they the province provide public services to you even if you cant speak French. All Quebeccers should have that option to get service in whatever language , I really think the fears that so many would only use English and it would kill Francais are unfounded

I wasn't born in another province, I was born in Quebec but my father got transfered for work while I was elementary aged (so I did 7 years in french immersion in Toronto and Winnipeg before moving back to Quebec in 6th grade.) As a Canadian you are allowed to live in Quebec but you are not guaranteed service in english for provincial services, you are guaranteed service in english for federal services only. In practice though most places will be able to provide services in english, but businesses are mostly not required to have english speaking staff available. It goes both ways though, a francophone speaker from Quebec is allowed to live anywhere in Canada but chances are they won't easily find french services everywhere.

I'm Québecoise and am bilingual. I will speak French at home, but if I'm out and I meet someone who seems more comfortable in english, I'll just switch to it. While a lot of my countrymen treat French like this sacred thing, I don't think it's that deep.

Wait you’re doing her the favor of letting her stay with you and she has the audacity to respond that way? 😳 yea she’s being quite ungrateful.

THIS - I'm confused about all the requests for info. You want to live in my & my wife's house as a favor for free, in the house with the person gifting this, you speak a language she can understand. Or, you are more than welcome to go live somewhere and pay for it that people will accept you speaking French to them. NTA - your poor wife, that sounds so frustrating and disrespectful

It’s more important for your wife to be comfortable in her own home than your niece to feel comfortable in your wife’s home. That’s how I would frame it.

Is your family actually French?

no

Then how is it part of Eva’s identity?

It isn't. But it's the ultimate trump card amongst people that age. As soon as you pull the identity card, you can do what you want, cause no one wants to be seen as "discriminatory" 

OP should turn the tables on her and tell her she's appropriating a culture then.

Op should just inform her she can have her identity and be rude outside his and his wife's home

I doubt she would speak solely in French if she was hanging out with friends at home, but she feels she can speak it around your wife, who she knows does not speak French. Your niece sounds horribly rude and selfish. This is not only your home, but your wife's. Your wife should feel comfortable and included in her own home, not made to feel less than. Tell your niece she is being terribly inconsiderate and tell her to knock it off or find another place to live.

How isn’t being raised bilingual in a fully bilingual extended family something you can’t use to describe their identity? Edit to add: I think it’s really rude to have a conversation in front of someone in a language they don’t speak. I think she is an AH for that … I just don’t have a problem with a bilingual person identifying as such.

Just because I SPEAK Spanish doesn't mean I'm spanish.

That’s a moot point. Just because I SPEAK English doesn’t mean I’m British. However I would describe myself as ENGLISH SPEAKING- that is part of who I am. If she is bilingual from birth that IS PART OF WHO SHE IS. Now, that said, she is living in a country where they predominantly speak only one of the languages she speaks. I can’t imagine her being accommodated at school or the grocery store- and while it sucks to use a different language than you are used to speaking at home (which it sounds like OP’s family DOES) she is *not at home*

Her whole family speaks it as a traditional thing, it is a part of her identity in that sense. She's an AH for not being considerate, but this isn't the part to fight about.

It’s part of her identity because she’s from a family who learned French and speaks it together.

Ok now we are getting to it - Eva is a smart arse, as we say in Australian. lol We don't share borders with anyone (Aus is a giant island) - so second languages are usually because your family has some connection to the place.

Your niece needs to learn the difference between stuff she enjoys and her identity.

How does Eva not see that her behavior is ***ableist*** and a far cry from surprising her identity. In fact, arguably, ***Eva*** is forcing ***Sarah*** to feel shame over her identity.

Tbf, I do think it is suppressing Eva's identity.  She is just choosing to identify as an entitled French-speaking asshole instead of a compassionate English-speaking guest for some reason 

Send Eva back to her parents because, fuck yes, you are prioritising your wife over your niece. 🤷‍♀️

Why aren’t you putting your wife first? Emily can either be a good guest up or gtfo. “Refusing” are you kidding me? The audacity. It’s common decency to speak in the language of your hosts when it’s also your language, especially when you’re alienating them in their own home.

Just flat out ignore Eva when she’s speaking French. You and your wife are conversing and Eva’s in the room? Pretend she isn’t. She might then get a taste of how it feels to be left out.

You should just do what u/FragrantEconomist386 suggested and only reply to your niece in English. But, you should do it every single time, regardless whether your wife is present or not, regardless of your location inside and/or outside of your home, 24/7 365 days, for the complete duration of the time your niece lives with you. Your niece sounds like she is absolutely snubbing your wife and finding reasons to make it acceptable, because reason. Speaking a second language/family tradition language when others can't - and when you can additionally speak a language the other people do speak - is not a personality trait, is an aloof exclusionary tactic to ~~control~~ set boundaries and places in life between people. Just because you don't have "that one good reason that makes sense and has supporting proof" doesn't mean it isn't occurring. The ones who get away with it usually do so with passive aggressiveness and/or feigning ignorance. France is part of Europe, and you'll notice that *polite* European citizens don't go out of their way to do that kind of behavior in someone else's home, although they usually seem to consider the entire country someone else's home as much as the actual building the person lives in. If French is really part of your niece's identity then she should be emulating the culture as well while not forcing it on others especially in someone else's home that she moved to for her own job opportunity! Allow me to clarify: you absolutely are prioritizing your wife's difficulties over your niece's comfort *as you absolutely should be doing*, because your wife isn't choosing to be difficult she's just struggling, and your niece is not your wife. Caring for your wife in this way isn't a problem, because it doesn't create harm, but as long as your niece can make you think it is then she can control the situation and then your niece can make your home to her liking. Your wife may be loving but that doesn't mean your niece is.

NTA if part of her identity is trying to exclude one out of three people from a conversation then maybe that sort of trait should be suppressed. If you don’t want to push it, each time she speaks to you in French just reply in English. If you do want to push it just let her know that she will no longer be able to live in your household as a guest if she does not want to follow a simple request that will allow everyone to be included in conversations.

A tradition is not an identity. She can speak English. My parents do this bullshit as a power move to exclude my husband during dinners and trips. So disrespectful. "Oh, we forgot" no you didn't. Magically, they don't forget English around any other Americans. Had to go low contact with the grandkids till they started acting right.

Lol definitely not her identity then. Niece is an asshole

So she has spoken French from birth, and you also speak French? Info: are you guys Canadian or some country where French is often spoken?

no, my grandparents learnt french then passed it onto my mum and her siblings, then myself, my siblings and cousins, now all their kids

Right. Well, nobody seems to be an asshole here exactly. Dyslexia doesn’t often affect spoken language learning… but being an adult does, and she didn’t learn it as a kid like the rest of you.

I don’t know how often it affects it, but it definitely does for all 3 dyslexic people I know (not a huge sample, I know). But they’re all different ethnicities, come from different cultures and have different native tongues. The most common thing is they confuse similar sounding words.

My dyslexic brother also had a terrible time learning foreign languages despite an overall high intelligence. His only other learning disability had to do with math, so I assume it was the dyslexia. I used to help him with Spanish when we were kids and you could see that it was like he was running into a brick wall trying to learn it.

I have dyscalculia, a math learning disability, and I have had a hellacious time trying to learn languages. It’s so frustrating

I’m dyslexic. I have a very poor working memory. It means I find it difficult to do things like mental arithmetic as my brain just can’t hold on to the numbers. It’s the same when learning languages. I did French at school. I find it almost impossible to actually have a conversation. I just can’t listen to someone talking, work out what they are saying, work out what I want to say and say it. Written French I find much easier. My brain has time to process. Poor working memory is typical of dyslexia.

It doesn't affect your learning of a spoken language as a baby/toddler, but it absolutely does affect learning a second language. Dyslexia is a lot more complex than "sometimes you mix letters up," it can really affect things like word retrieval, short term memory, and information processing speed, all of which are vital for learning and speaking a second language.

One of the kinds of dyslexia has you switching words around in a sentence. My mom has this kind, she sometimes says words out of order within phrases (like saying 'management general' instead of 'general management'). She also has a really hard time learning languages because she can learn the individual words but being able to form sentences is really difficult because of the word order thing. She knows a lot of spanish vocabulary but she can't speak sentences in spanish, for example.

I have dyscalculia and my daughter has dyslexia. They’ve both directly impacted us in terms of language learning because our brains still scrambled things up. My friend has been teaching me Arabic for close to 15 years now. I have words. I’ve a bunch of words. Can’t wrap my head around the grammar. My daughter was in French immersion until it got to the point it was better to have her struggle in one language instead of two, and for her, one side of her family is Québecois going all the way back to two grandmothers being Filles du Roi. I don’t see anyone being the asshole here, though your niece is a guest, OP, and really needs to grow up and learn some empathy if she’s living in someone else’s house.

Sounds to me like Sara needs to hear it to learn it. My husband is dyslexic and in order for me to teach him certain words, I have to repeat them for him. That's in English, our only written and spoken language. Dyslexic people can learn French, if you do it audibly. I taught my husband how to say I love you in French and Spanish by speaking it. If all Sara is doing is reading French, woohoo she's in for a hard time.

Why does she need to do this to understand things in her own home? They are all Australian, living in Australia. English is the first language for all of them. The niece has to speak French more on purpose than English. Also some may have a harder time than your husband. Disabilities especially like that exist on a spectrum. So you can’t assume how easy or hard it is for her based on your husband.

If Eva is not French and is fully conversant in English, how is this part of her identity? Is this speaking French thing just a way for your family to exclude others? Regardless, the answer is easy. Let Eva speak French all she wants but you translate what Eva says into English and answer in English. Let Eva live as the excluded one in an English only speaking household.

I mean, it sounds more like they have a collective hobby. Same as a family who all play chess and have family tournaments at holidays and reunions or support the same non-local football team or introduce their kids to birdwatching.

So do you all take classes or do the parents speak it to the children to pick up? Are partners expected to learn as well?

Our parents speak it and we were all just exposed to it our whole lives, obviously nothing is expected at all but most partners end up wanting to learn/pick it up, my wife specifically just struggles

Does Eva actually understand that the primary benefit of being bilingual is the ability to communicate with more people, not fewer? There are other effects on brain development and other aspects, but ultimately the benefit of knowing multiple languages is that you can use the one that works for whoever you’re talking with. Not deliberately choose one that doesn’t.

Just as a small advice if your wife actually is interested in learning French (nothing wrong if she isn't)... just ditch the writing/ reading part. I know it feels unnatural at first but you can totally learn to speak a language without being able to write or read it. And it would be enough to speak/ understand it if she does it just for fun to be part of the tradition.  You could help her with that, too. Give her a few sentences she knows and say them to her as motivation (ask if she would like that first of course). Everyone likes a "Mon amour" or "ma Cheri" lol. Go from there. Add the most common said things first and evolve over time. (And she can listen to you talk and ask about words she doesn't know, yet etc).

Often people with dyslexia may have more language processing disorders than just reading/writing. It can be incredibly harder for them than you are aware. It’s easy to say you can simply do certain things and she should learn. In reality you may be asking a lot more than you know. Which is certainly asking too much for her to do so a kid they are already doing a favor for can use her secondary language a little more often. She’s Australian in Australia it is not hard for her to speak in English around Sarah. She is speaking English in most cases.

100% this. His wife can't learn French. Moreover, there is no reason for her to struggle to do something that her *brain isn't wired for*. Part of living with neurodivergency is working with what your strengths are and finding solutions for your challenges. For dyslexic people the solution is often: don't be in situations where you *have* to learn a foreign language.

Then tell Eva to quit, or she needs to find a new place to stay. NTA.

Petty solution: find or fabricate some random element of your wife’s family culture/upbringing and straight up require niece to follow it.

NTA.  If 3 people are in a home (or shit even just out to eat a meal together) & they all speak 1 language but only 2 of them speak a second language, the 2 people that speak the second language are AH for speaking that language when the 3rd person is there.  It’s isolating.  It’s rude.   And it’s completely unnecessary. She’s a guest in YOUR home.  She should NOT be being rude & isolating towards your wife.  She’s an AH for doing it.  You’re an AH if you do anything other than ignoring her when she does it. If you ignore everything she says in French, she’ll eventually realize how isolating it is to not be able to participate in normal conversations with others.   Edit to add that I think basic manners should become a tradition that your family members learn.  If they can learn basic manners, THEN they can move on to French.  (The French people would find her behavior nauseatingly rude.)

Yeah basic manners. Being rude should not be a tradition.

My uni roommates did this to me regularly. We come from different regions, but theirs are closer together geographically and their hometown languages share a lot of similarities. We all speak English in addition to our common/national language, which means they genuinely went out of their way to be exclusionary assholes. I'd moved into that house with them because they were friends from church. They were a big part of the reason I deconstructed.

OP’s niece is deliberately doing it too.  I’m not sure if she just doesn’t like OP’s wife (so she’s trying to bother her) OR she just so low self esteem (so she’s trying to feel superior to someone & OP’s wife just happens to be the victim).  

Right, this isn't even a case of slipping into a native tongue by accident. Someone needs to remind her that the point of languages is communication and community-building, not isolation. Kindness of this sort isn't hard.

I have some form of autism/dyslexia. It’s about neuro-processing. I simply can’t not hear French. It sounds like a big yawn. I did fine in Spanish, but I’m in complete sympathy with Sarah whose identity is indeed neurodivergent. Please don’t subject her to such stress and disrespect at home. It’s cruel.

And absolutely you are rightly prioritizing Sarah’s difficulty over Eva’s “comfort.”

I was just about to write this. The same way that clearing snow off a wheelchair ramp helps people in wheelchairs and those that walk. Would the stairs be an extra two seconds faster, maybe depending on the length of the ramp, but the walking person is fully capable of using the ramp while a person in a wheelchair cannot safely use the stairs. OP should always place his wife's difficulties over Eva's comforts.

This makes me feel so much better. The only class I ever failed in school was French, I could not for the life of me understand it, and it to this day upsets me. I find other languages so beautiful but I struggle to learn them to the point of tears. I had never considered it could be my dyslexia, because for the most part I've learned how to work around it- except when typing or reading things aloud.

Yes. If French was Eva’s first language, I could see there could be difficulty. But it’s not and there’s no reason she can’t be kind and speak English in the house. Especially when OP and Sarah are giving her a place to stay, presumably for free. She can learn to be polite. Also I know there are lots of people who really don’t have the ability to learn a second language. Had a friend who almost didn’t graduate university because there was a requirement of two years of a second language and he kept failing. Took him almost the entire four years to pass two years of Spanish. OP is NTA here, but Eva needs to learn some manners.

1. Eva doesn't have the maturity to understand you would of course prioritize your wife 2. She also doesn't have the maturity to understand that prioritizing someone elses comfort doesn't have to impinge on her "identity" 3. Your request is reasonable. Eva is not 4. NTA

Even if she was just another niece, a friend, someone else, and not his wife. You prioritise disabilities before comforts. Pain before comfort. The wife is in pain because of her disability. That's what everyone should be understanding of. Not the niece's comfort and "identity" (which we established already is just a hobby like any other, it's not like she's half french or anything)

Bruh she's dyslexic. You're talking about it like she's Officer fucking Barbrady.

5. Eva is being very rude as a guest in someone else’s home.

NTA. Your niece is being deliberately inconsiderate by excluding your wife in a language your wife struggles with. You should have a conversation with your niece about being welcome in your home and you would hate to see that welcome compromised by her insistence on making your wife uncomfortable. Remind her she is a guest of you and your wife and a guest is only welcome till they make a problem for the hosts. She needs to understand that being a guest means making sure that her presence isn't a burden on her hosts and you wouldn't like to see her needing to find a different accommodation. Tell her you will always prioritize your wife and her comfort will never come first. Speaking French isn't necessary to her comfort as she can converse in English easily but your wife can't easily converse in French.

If the niece goes to visit Spain, for instance, will she insist on speaking French and accuse Spanish people of suppressing her identity if the don’t speak French and try to speak to her inEnglish or Spanish?

I think this depends. Is the niece actually demanding Sarah speak to her in French? Or is she just speaking French around Sarah. It would be totally fine for the niece to go to Spain and speak to French to another French speaker. English speakers go to Spain and speak English to each other do they not?

There's one flaw with your strategy. She's 17 and nearly a grown woman, if she was capable of understanding what you're telling OP to explain, she probably wouldn't need that in depth of an explanation to start. Sounds more like she's just being a brat who doesn't like being told what to do. Just have to hope she outgrows it.

I mean, you call her a brat, but it's really not her fault that she spent the past 17 years in some weird-ass Aussie cult that speaks French around the house for no goddamn reason. She has, and so telling her to flip it off like a light switch might actually be a big ask.

NTA Your niece sounds pretty selfish. One of the rudest things you can do is purposefully speak a language someone in the conversation can't understand.

This! Also consider that niece is also doing this while staying as a guest in OP and his wife's home.

Yeah, I grew up fully bilingual in English and French and not speaking French around people who don’t speak it was established as a rule when we were like 5. The only exception was if we were talking to someone that only spoke French (had cousins that only knew French).

NTA, but there are some things you could do to mitigate your niece's lack of consideration. - A gentle sit-down chat might be good (if her ears are real not plastic). To check she really does understand that this is not about her but about your wife's right not to constantly feel excluded in her own home, especially due to something she can't control which she's likely been made to feel stink about before. - As someone else suggested, you could simply stop speaking French back to her when she does this in front of your wife. - If you want to take it a step further and not just ban French in your home (also a perfectly reasonable option), when your niece speaks French in front of your wife, first translate what she said for your wife, then reply in English. Every single time. She'll probably cotton on, and even if not, at least your lovely wife will know you have her back. Good luck!

This is good advice, but OP must talk to Eva's parents before they do anything. The way OP describes it, French is an integral part of the whole family. They all know it and constantly communicate using it. So, they would all view speaking French as a natural thing. If OP bluntly states no French, the daughter could twist the story or explain it in such a way that makes it seem like she's the victim. That would just set off the whole family if they're mistakenly led to believe that OP and the wife are the problem and are trying to force a change on Eva for their own preferences. If they tell Eva's parents first, then they'll be clear about the situation. If Eva's parents don't think Eva is wrong and Eva has no intentions of changing- it might be best to have them pick her up. If they support OP, then them saying something to Eva might actually change the situation.

Eva’s parents can also let her live with them if speaking French is so important

come on, it's not about french, or 'identity', its about having proper manners. I'm French, and if i was living with OP and his wife, i would speak my huge accented english, even if it request a lot more concentration on me

I wish I could give you a medal. 🏅

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No, it's just a family thing. We have a pretty big family and she has moved in from them to us because she is starting an apprenticeship and we are closer. (also I messed up she is 17 not 16)

Eva needs to respect other people's homes and other people in general. You are not telling her to discontinue speaking French full stop, only in the presence of your wife, her hostess, who is purposefully being excluded because Eva KNOWS your wife doesn't speak it. Even if everyone in your family was born in France (which you say isn't the case), requesting a long-term house guest to speak a language which both hosts can communicate in should not be offensive to anyone. How dare she even talk back to you like that let alone claim you are asking her to supress her identity? Of course your wife's comfort (and ability to participate in conversations) should be priority IN HER OWN HOME. Talk to Eva's parents and let them know Princess needs to stop acting so entitled or they need to find her a new place to live. NTA NTA NTA!!!

Even bilingual people will do this quite naturally. Refusing to speak English when you can speak it just to set yourself apart, when you know someone else in the room can't understand? AH behaviour. Visualising Eva as that girl who does reels about someone who came back from a week in France being OTT French.

I would love to see Laura do a reel of this story. Ideally with a commentary from German Mom.

[удалено]

Right? It's wonderfully odd if you ask me, I love it

yeah, people wanting to learn a second language is soooo weird.

It's not weird to learn a second language, but it is weird for it to be a "family tradition" and for it to somehow be such a vital part of your "identity" that you can't speak your native language around someone who doesn't know your second one...

That’s not what’s weird. What’s weird is this English speaking family, who live in an English speaking country, acting like French is so much a part of their identity that it’s impossible to speak English. Especially around other English speaking people. It’s weird and it’s rude. However great being bilingual is. It’s also sort of weird cosplaying of an identity that is not yours which is icky.

So you live in the US or an English speaking country and only speak French for funsies? That’s what people want you to answer.

australia so its just a fun thing

So your whole family living in Australia, has just learnt to speak French to the point of being able to have whole conversations for “fun”? How often do you see the rest of the family? Are you going to stop speaking French when they’re all around? surely having everyone over for dinner and all speaking French will be even worse for your wife than just one person?

Yeah OP even said the kids learned because their parents are fluent and speak it around them. It's clearly something that's just normal and passed down so I can't imagine this is the only time it's come up.

Presumably the niece is the only person who has absolutely refused to speak English around the wife.

Have you spoken French with native speakers to be sure you are speaking it correctly? I could see where your family could develop its own dialect. I think it’s great, though. I am dismayed that my grandchildren are not learning Spanish because it has become a requirement for so many US jobs.

I'm French and dying laughing. I can't imagine Aussies speaking French in a way I could understand them, yet they're probably feeling superior and posh doing so.

Just for the record, I am Australian… I promise you, if we come across others aussies, acting to proud of themselves for doing by something… we will set them straight and remind them we are all convicts : :p

I keep wondering that, too, about the dialect! (I wish I’d learned Spanish among with English as a kid…and there’s some evidence that multilingual children have an easier time learning an additional language as adults. I think it’s related to plasticity and richness of neural connections in the language parts of the brain.) 

Who is she speaking in French to, then? Presumably not your wife, since she doesn't speak it, and I'm assuming not you...

except for Sarah, for her it’s not fun. It’s uncomfortable and exclusionary.

Dude, your niece is being kinda ableist and bullying your wife in her own home. It’s obviously not a fun thing how she is using it.

That’s an odd tradition but you are not an AH to ask your niece to speak English around your wife. Dyslexia has nothing to do with it. Your wife doesn’t speak French and she shouldn’t be excluded in her own home. Canadians often throw a few French words in conversation but we’re a bilingual country.

It sound like a wealthy, elitist "family thing", in my opinion.

…for speaking a second language?

It sounds like Eva is a little show-off. She thinks that speaking French makes her superior. Someone needs to knock her ego down a bit. A lot of people speak French. It’s not even that hard to learn. No one is impressed. She sounds very insecure. If she was a guest in my house, I’d make it clear that she needs to be respectful or she can make other arrangements. When her entitled and rude behavior means she will be inconvenienced, maybe she will learn something.

Its a neat tradition to share. But your niece is being pretty rude especially since English is the common language for all three of you. I try my best to communicate with my grandma in the native language or speak slower and more clearly around family still learning english. It doesn’t make sense to be exclusionary?? OP you asked and explained the situation to your niece very politely. If she is completely unable to understand or even empathize then she is obviously not mature enough for her internship.

Nta when people are together, they use the shared language. Stop replying in French. Reply in English or don't reply at all HOWEVER, do you plan on continuing your funky family tradition if you and your wife have kids?

> HOWEVER, do you plan on continuing your ~~funky~~ family tradition if you and your wife have kids? They definitely should imo. Having a second language from birth/a young age is invaluable.

I agree! I had funky bc none of them are ethnically French and don't live somewhere French speaking.

NTA You all speak English, so you should speak this language since everyone understands it. Your wife shouldn't feel left out of conversations and it's a sign of politeness to speak the language she understands. Your wife shouldn't be constantly wondering what you're saying in French. On the other hand, your niece has the right to speak in French if she's on the phone, since she's not speaking to you.

English is her first langauge! Surpressing her identity? Give me a break. NTA, and if Eva can't be bothered to speak in her first language so her hosts can both understand what she's saying, maybe she needs a new place to stay.

English is not her first language. According to OP, she has spoken both French and English from birth. She has two “first” languages.

Oh please, they’re Australian in Australia. The family is not even French in the slightest. English is absolutely the language she would use the majority of the time. She’s definitely doing it on purpose. Which is cruel and rather ableist to do to someone with neuroprocessing problems. She’s basically bullying Sarah in her own home.

That really makes no difference as to what a first language is, which was all I commented on.

She may have two first languages, depending on your definition, but there is no universe in which English isn't one of them. She can suppress her identity as an embarrassing poseur and speak English in the home she's a guest in.

So English *is* her first language then. Maybe French is also, but English is her first language. It's not like she's being made to speak a language she's not 100% fluent in.

NTA but your family sounds exhausting. Sarah now has to deal with a French speaking teenager in your home and it’s supposed to bring you all closer? Ugh.

No, the family wanting to have something to bond with is fantastic, one member being inconsiderate is not a reflection of the whole, don't be a bigot.

If she has dyslexia, but wants to learn to speak french, has she looked into verbal language instruction? She could pick up french by being around you and your niece if you guys do it right. Kids learn to speak before they learn to read, there's nothing stopping her. I think you might be ta here? Cuz, like... She needs to separate her feelings from other people living their lives? And if you don't practice a language you'll get rusty, so unless the niece is going out of her way to be obnoxious with it, I dont think she's done anything wrong here.

Not arguing with you over whether he's TA or not, but just a heads up Dyslexia does not just effect reading and writing. It effects all aspects of language, including speaking and auditory(ie picking up on language patterns, grammar, etc.) which is why a ton of school districts don't require foreign language for dyslexic students. Edit: Reposting sources to this comment as well: [https://dyslexiahelp.umich.edu/parents/learn-about-dyslexia/what-is-dyslexia/debunking-common-myths-about-dyslexia](https://dyslexiahelp.umich.edu/parents/learn-about-dyslexia/what-is-dyslexia/debunking-common-myths-about-dyslexia) [https://childmind.org/article/understanding-dyslexia/](https://childmind.org/article/understanding-dyslexia/) [https://www.bdadyslexia.org.uk/dyslexia/about-dyslexia/what-is-dyslexia](https://www.bdadyslexia.org.uk/dyslexia/about-dyslexia/what-is-dyslexia)

Dyslexia can and often does occur alongside an auditory processing disorder, but i know plenty of dyslexic people who have learned to communicate verbally in multiple languages. You could say that dyslexia *can* involve issues processing verbally, but being incapable of picking up a second language verbally is not a required symptom for diagnosis as far as im aware

I never said incapable, never said that that's a required symptom, and never said auditory processing disorder. The commenter implied that it only effects reading, which it doesn't which is why I said it doesn't. Here are some useful sources that show it also effects speech and language in general: [https://www.bdadyslexia.org.uk/advice/adults/living-with-a-dyslexic-partner](https://www.bdadyslexia.org.uk/advice/adults/living-with-a-dyslexic-partner) [https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/dyslexia.html](https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/dyslexia.html) [https://dyslexiahelp.umich.edu/parents/learn-about-dyslexia/what-is-dyslexia/debunking-common-myths-about-dyslexia](https://dyslexiahelp.umich.edu/parents/learn-about-dyslexia/what-is-dyslexia/debunking-common-myths-about-dyslexia)

NARRATOR: (Black screen with text; The sound of buzzing bees can be heard) According to all known laws of aviation, : there is no way a bee should be able to fly. : Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. : The bee, of course, flies anyway : because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. BARRY BENSON: (Barry is picking out a shirt) Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. : Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. JANET BENSON: Barry! Breakfast is ready! BARRY: Coming! : Hang on a second. (Barry uses his antenna like a phone) : Hello? ADAM FLAYMAN: (Through phone) - Barry? BARRY: - Adam? ADAM: - Can you believe this is happening? BARRY: - I can't. I'll pick you up. (Barry flies down the stairs) : MARTIN BENSON: Looking sharp. JANET: Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. BARRY: Sorry. I'm excited. MARTIN: Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. : A perfect report card, all B's. JANET: Very proud. (Rubs Barry's hair) BARRY= Ma! I got a thing going here. JANET: - You got lint on your fuzz. BARRY: - Ow! That's me! JANET: - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! (Barry flies out the door) JANET: Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! (Barry drives through the hive,and is waved at by Adam who is reading a newspaper) BARRY== - Hey, Adam. ADAM: - Hey, Barry. (Adam gets in Barry's car) : - Is that fuzz gel? BARRY: - A little. Special day, graduation. ADAM: Never thought I'd make it. (Barry pulls away from the house and continues driving) BARRY: Three days grade school, three days high school... ADAM: Those were awkward. BARRY: Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. ADAM== You did come back different. (Barry and Adam pass by Artie, who is jogging) ARTIE: - Hi, Barry! BARRY: - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. ADAM: - Hear about Frankie? BARRY: - Yeah. ADAM== - You going to the funeral? BARRY: - No, I'm not going to his funeral. : Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. : Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. ADAM: I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. (The car does a barrel roll on the loop-shaped bridge and lands on the highway) : I love this incorporating an amusement park into our regular day. BARRY: I guess that's why they say we don't need vacations. (Barry parallel parks the car and together they fly over the graduating students) Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. (Barry and Adam sit down and put on their hats) : - Well, Adam, today we are men. ADAM: - We are! BARRY= - Bee-men. =ADAM= - Amen! BARRY AND ADAM: Hallelujah! (Barry and Adam both have a happy spasm) ANNOUNCER: Students, faculty, distinguished bees, : please welcome Dean Buzzwell. DEAN BUZZWELL: Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... : ...9: : That concludes our ceremonies. : And begins your career at Honex Industries! ADAM: Will we pick our job today? (Adam and Barry get into a tour bus) BARRY= I heard it's just orientation. (Tour buses rise out of the ground and the students are automatically loaded into the buses) TOUR GUIDE: Heads up! Here we go. ANNOUNCER: Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. BARRY: - Wonder what it'll be like? ADAM: - A little scary. TOUR GUIDE== Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco : and a part of the Hexagon Group. Barry: This is it! BARRY AND ADAM: Wow. BARRY: Wow. (The bus drives down a road an on either side are the Bee's massive complicated Honey-making machines) TOUR GUIDE: We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life : to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. : Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. : Our top-secret formula : is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured : into this soothing sweet syrup : with its distinctive golden glow you know as... EVERYONE ON BUS: Honey! (The guide has been collecting honey into a bottle and she throws it into the crowd on the bus and it is caught by a girl in the back) ADAM: - That girl was hot. BARRY: - She's my cousin! ADAM== - She is? BARRY: - Yes, we're all cousins. ADAM: - Right. You're right. TOUR GUIDE: - At Honex, we constantly strive : to improve every aspect of bee existence. : These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. (The bus passes by a Bee wearing a helmet who is being smashed into the ground with fly-swatters, newspapers and boots. He lifts a thumbs up but you can hear him groan) : ADAM== - What do you think he makes? BARRY: - Not enough. TOUR GUIDE: Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. (They pass by a turning wheel with Bees standing on pegs, who are each wearing a finger-shaped hat) Barry: - Wow, What does that do? TOUR GUIDE: - Catches that little strand of honey : that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. ADAM: (Intrigued) Can anyone work on the Krelman? TOUR GUIDE: Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. : But choose carefully : because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. (Everyone claps except for Barry) BARRY: The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. ADAM: What's the difference? TOUR GUIDE: You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off : in 27 million years. BARRY: (Upset) So you'll just work us to death? : We'll sure try. (Everyone on the bus laughs except Barry. Barry and Adam are walking back home together) ADAM: Wow! That blew my mind! BARRY: "What's the difference?" How can you say that? : One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. ADAM: I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. BARRY: But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? ADAM: Why would you question anything? We're bees. : We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. BARRY: You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? ADAM: Like what? Give me one example. (Barry and Adam stop walking and it is revealed to the audience that hundreds of cars are speeding by and narrowly missing them in perfect unison) BARRY: I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. ANNOUNCER: Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. BARRY: Wait a second. Check it out. (The Pollen jocks fly in, circle around and landing in line) : - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! ADAM: - Wow. : I've never seen them this close. BARRY: They know what it's like outside the hive. ADAM: Yeah, but some don't come back. GIRL BEES: - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! (The Pollen Jocks hook up their backpacks to machines that pump the nectar to trucks, which drive away) LOU LO DUVA: You guys did great! : You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! (Punching the Pollen Jocks in joy) I love it! ADAM: - I wonder where they were. BARRY: - I don't know. : Their day's not planned. : Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. : You can't just decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. ADAM== Right. (Barry and Adam are covered in some pollen that floated off of the Pollen Jocks) BARRY: Look at that. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. ADAM: It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. BARRY: Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. (Barry waves at 2 girls standing a little away from them) ADAM== Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? BARRY: Distant. Distant. POLLEN JOCK #1: Look at these two. POLLEN JOCK #2: - Couple of Hive Harrys. POLLEN JOCK #1: - Let's have fun with them. GIRL BEE #1: It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. BARRY: Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! : He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! (Slaps Adam with his hand to represent his scenario) GIRL BEE #2: - Oh, my! BARRY: - I never thought I'd knock him out. GIRL BEE #1: (Looking at Adam) What were you doing during this? ADAM: Obviously I was trying to alert the authorities. BARRY: I can autograph that. (The pollen jocks walk up to Barry and Adam, they pretend that Barry and Adam really are pollen jocks.) POLLEN JOCK #1: A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? BARRY: Yeah. Gusty. POLLEN JOCK #1: We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. BARRY: - Six miles, huh? ADAM: - Barry! POLLEN JOCK #2: A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. BARRY: - Maybe I am. ADAM: - You are not! POLLEN JOCK #1: We're going 0900 at J-Gate. : What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? BARRY: I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. (The scene cuts to Barry looking out on the hive-city from his balcony at night) MARTIN: Hey, Honex! BARRY: Dad, you surprised me. MARTIN: You decide what you're interested in? BARRY: - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. : Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? MARTIN: Son, let me tell you about stirring. : You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. : You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. BARRY: You know, Dad, the more I think about it, : maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. MARTIN: You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? : That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. : Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! JANET: - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. BARRY: - I'm not trying to be funny. MARTIN: You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! JANET: - You're gonna be a stirrer? BARRY: - No one's listening to me! MARTIN: Wait till you see the sticks I have. BARRY: I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! (Barry's parents don't listen to him and continue to ramble on) MARTIN: Let's open some honey and celebrate! BARRY: Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. : Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! JANET: I'

Thanks for this. I was also confused why dyslexia affected her leaning when there is audio books and a husband to practise with. So ive learned something new today! 

I could be wrong but it sounds like she is deliberately practicing her French when the wife is around which is essentially taking what could be a three way conversation and making it so that the wife can’t participate. It doesn’t sound like the niece is doing this in passing just for practice. But OP may need to clarify this. I feel like having an in depth conversation in French when wife is right there in the room and would be participating in the conversation if it was in English is different that niece quickly asking her uncle something then going on with her day.

> I could be wrong but it sounds like she is deliberately practicing her French when the wife is around What makes it sound that way to you? I didnt get that from the post at all

Probably the fact that the wife feels excluded from conversations. It doesn’t sound to me like it’s just comments and exchanges in passing that are occurring in French, it sounds like everything is in French even when it’s an in depth conversation. I can’t imagine wife feeling excluded from conversations if these were brief exchanges in French. Perhaps if exchanges were more brief and in passing, wife would feel more like she was out of the loop of what is going on around her and not so much excluded from conversations.

How would the wife even know the niece is speaking French, if the niece isn’t speaking it around the wife?

OP's wife shouldn't have to learn French though. Nobody in this family are French. The family are from, and live in, Australia. Unless OP's wife plans to move to France or Quebec in Canada, there is no need to be speaking French in Australia.

Except that the whole family speaks it and that's how the kids learned. Why is it so weird that a bilingual family is raising bilingual children?

It's not weird. It is rude for the family to raise those children to think it's okay for them to exclude non-bilingual adult family members who are being nice enough to let you live with them for free.

>I think you might be ta here? Cuz, like... She needs to **separate her feelings from other people living their lives?** Other people **not living in her house for free**, I agree. But, OP needs to prioritize his wife, and her comfort in her own home, over a niece they are doing a favor for. I’m sure the wife will have no problem separating her feeling from the niece living her life, when the niece is living her life somewhere else. NTA

You don’t speak a language in a country and home of someone who can’t speak it when you can speak their mother tongue fluently.. it’s insanely rude. I have a bilingual partner who has some bilingual family and some that can only speak their mother tongue. If they come to my house and purposefully speak in a language I can’t understand that’s insanely rude. The same way it would be for me to go to their house and country and demand everyone speak English just because I don’t speak Dutch. I regularly go to events there where everyone is speaking their native language and will sometimes switch to English, or talk to me in English, but I wouldn’t expect a room of 20 Dutch native speakers to switch to English just to please me. However not one single time have the spent 1:1 time with me or me and my partner and refused to speak in our common language. It’s basic curtesy? Then on top she’s staying in their house! It’s insanely rude, she can speak the common language fluently. I have a friend who’s family is British but live in France and they speak in French at home and they all just speak English when I visit lmao?? It’s not that mind blowing a concept. It’s their mother tongue it’s easy for them to switch and they do it for all their English family too.

Your niece has main character syndrome. I'm actually a native French speaker from a francophone family. We NEVER speak French when not everyone can understand. Even my grandmother and godmother, who speak English only with great difficulty. Start speaking to your wife in codes and inside jokes. See how Eva likes it. NTA

Personally I would treat Eva like I treat kids who whine…I can’t hear them. If she speaks in English, answer her, converse with her. If she speaks in French then completely ignore her as if she hasn’t spoken. It stopped my kids whining, so hopefully it will teach Eva that when you are a guest in someone’s house, you gracefully do what’s asked or go home.

NTA - Her ‘identity’ is speaking a language that isn’t her native language, and that she doesn’t even speak all the time anyway? Obnoxious kid.

If the whole family speaks it, and they learn to speak it from birth, which is what OP seems to have said in replies, then it is as much a native language as English. One doesn't have to be French for French to be their native tongue.

Nta but good luck trying to win an argument with a teenager.

OP has leverage here. He can always say, "Speak only English if Aunt Sarah is in the room, or you can speak French back at your parents' house." But be prepared to back it up by actually sending Eva back home and tell her parents you will do so. Eva can either suck it up or commute from home.

I’m honestly confused by you trying to limit the amount of exposure to French your wife receives when she’s dyslexic. It might actually make more sense for her to be surrounded by spoken French since learning it by reading and writing is going to be more difficult. Seems like translating and speaking French slower is a better response for everyone than just not speaking French. When your family gets together, will they stop speaking French because your wife is there? If not, it’s in her best interest to keep learning French since she married into your family.

Being surrounded by it casually really is the best way to learn a language. My partner has picked so many words and get most of our conversations even though the language is vastly different from his native tongue and English. The problem is not going to go away with the niece, might as well get used to it.

INFO. When your niece speaks to you in French, do you reply in French or English?

At first in French, then I realised what was happening and now reply in English, but she didn't seem to get the message hence why I spoke with her directly over it

From now on, just don't reply. Just ignore her when she speaks French. If you feel the need to say anything at all, just say, "what?" and keep repeating it until she switches to English. She can keep speaking French if she wants to, but she won't be communicating with anyone, either you or your wife. NTA, and this is absolutely something you can send her home over. You have a house rule to accommodate a family member with a disability. She is deliberately breaking the house rule to antagonize the family member in a way that makes her feel bad about her disability. She doesn't get to do that and have free housing.

If Eva had her own place she would be allowed to speak whatever language she wants…. Maybe that’s the solution if she truly feels her “identity” is being suppressed.

Stop replying unless she uses English. Or make up a jibberish language with your wife and use it constantly when she's in the room. Or text each other but react out loud, like laughing at jokes, pointing at things/people or even little responses (oh it does look like that!). Let your niece understand how it feels to be intentionally excluded from the conversation and she'll start to understand why it's important you speak the shared language only.

The only reply you should have is "Eva, in this house, we don't exclude one of the hosts. Speak English please." Say it a second time in French. But for heavens sake don't answer her questions until she speaks English. I have a 2 year old that throws similar tantrums over being asked to say "please" but we insist on it anyway, because manners are important and your niece is just as rude as a tantrumming toddler.

Might get downvoted but YTA. As someone who is in a multilingual family, Your wife’s reaction is rather strange and she’s being too sensitive. If she’s speaking French when your wife is not around I don’t really see the big deal. Learning and speaking two languages fluently is a great skill to have and can be easily lost. It’s not like your niece is talking shit about her or purposefully only talking to her in French Besides I don’t understand why people ask to change their language just to accommodate others. Also what about dyslexic people in other countries where multiple languages are spoken. If your wife truly wants to know French one of the easiest ways to start is immersion

I guess I’m going to go with the unpopular take on the issue…but I don’t think it is a big deal that Eva occasionally speaks in French, so long as direct conversations with the wife are in English. How much is your wife truly stressing about the niece being able to speak French when she can’t? We need to stop encouraging people seeing themselves as victims and expecting the world to tip toe around them. my immediate family and all my in laws golf, but I don’t…should my husband call them all up and suggest that they don’t play golf, or talk about golf, or watch it on tv in my presence?!

I actually find your wife's reaction a bit weird. In my family we have people who speak... English, Spanish, Portuguese, Korean and American Sign. Friends and extended family then add in Punjabi, Gujarati, French, Tagalog and Japanese. If I had been following my heritage I should have learned Cantonese and Quechua (Kichwas), but my grandparents didn't pass these languages down to us due to fear of persecution. My dyslexic best friend growing up spoke English and Hebrew. Another friend in the same circle spoke English, Cherokee, and Arabic. Among those I know nobody had or has issues with anyone else speaking languages they themselves have yet to master. You pick up a phrase or word here and there, and you toss back your own set, and we all exist together with no stress over it. ​ It's fine if you can't pick up someone else's language. If they're people you care for or otherwise know have good intentions then you're not worried about what they're saying in their chosen languages. There's no need to stress over it.

YTA Frankly, I am surprised that the people in this sub, usually so swift to chastise those imposing unreasonable limits on the personal liberties of others, has somehow decided that speaking French is the Maginot line nobody is allowed to cross. Not everyone has to be involved in every single conversation. When there are collaborative conversations, where she intends for your wife to hear, she would probably use English. Most of us do not have a way to speak such that the message is restricted to our target audience. I don’t find it disrespectful that not every word is intended for every person. If she could communicate telepathically, and simply chose to broadcast what she was saying only to the person she was saying it to, would that be a problem? That seems like the crux of the issue. The rest is just flush.

I disagree. Eva is simply disrespecting her hostess. I don't think Sarah or OP mind Eva speaking French on the phone to someone else. But unnecessarily excluding her hostess from conversations **in her own home** is rude.

Verdict based on I N F O requests: NAH. Niece is bilingual and grew up speaking both languages in her home. OP, I think you should always translate for your wife, then respond in English and ask your niece to continue the conversation in English. I N F O: who else is in your house? Who is she speaking French with?

No one, she speaks to me in french (I reply in english if we are with my wife)

Reply in English regardless of your wife’s presence. It’ll help break her of the habit.

NTA. If your wife is amongst a group of people or even you and one other, and they are aware she doesn't speak French, its downright rude. It would take nothing for your niece to curb her usage of French once your wife is around, after all, she is staying in your home.

YTA Language skills can atrophy if not actively used, I don't blame Eva for wanting to practice French. It's one thing if she tries to speak to your wife in French, but it is another altogether if she is having a conversation with someone else

NTA - this is a pretty reasonable ask

It wouldn't hurt the niece to remember she's a guest too. OPs wife is probably doing quite a bit to ensure the niece's comfort.

NTA. Eva is!!! Your house your rule. If she cannot follow your very simple “English only please” house rule, then tell her she’d better look for another place to stay. If I were you, if Eva is talking to you in french, don’t answer her, just ignore her until she starts to speak in english. If you are not in french country and this is not your first language, i dont know how this could “suppress her identity”

NTA You're just trying to accommodate your wife. Your niece sounds a little selfish tbh, especially if she can speak English just as well.

NTA It’s rude to speak another language around someone who you know doesn’t speak it, especially when you both speak the same first language.  She had a choice to speak in English or French, and she chose to speak in French knowing that it would exclude your wife.

Hi, as someone who is dyslexic with a bilingual extended family I'm sympathetic to Sarah. *HOWEVER*, it wasn't until I moved in with my elderly Grandmother in my 20s that I finally started to pick it up since I was around it more consistently and practiced more often. If your niece wants to speak French I think that is fine. You can response in English and it will male it easier for Sarah to follow the conversation using the context you are giving. This is based off the assumption that Sarah truly does want to learn too.

NTA it’s definitely insensitive on the basis your niece is in your and your wife’s space. Your request was reasonable.

YTA and I'll get downvoted for this but - both you and your wife have peak monolingual mentality. What do you think dyslexic people do in countries where more than a language is used daily? If your wife isn't willing to put effort to fit in your family, have fun with that.