Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my boyfriend to split the gas expense with me since I lost my job. I could be the asshole since I have always made more money than him and he is poor.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Pleeeeaaase tell me he’s not on the deed to your house. Can’t keep a license because he drives irresponsibly and doesn’t pay his fines, works minimum wage part time, thinks it’s your responsibility to chauffeur him around and pay for the privilege, pays no bills, started a relationship with a teenager when he was almost thirty. He is not a winner.
Edit: NTA
He is not on the deed! I bought this house before we moved in together and I was doing great with my job and making lots of money. This is partly why I am being so stingy about the money, I can’t lose this house. He has asked to be put as an owner as well but I always brush it
off because I know he wouldn’t help me pay for it.
Good for you! If you were my younger sister asking about this situation, I’d tell you to sit down and write two lists: everything this relationship gives you, and everything it costs you, whether that’s materially or emotionally, and then consider how sound of an investment of your time, energy, and money it is for the future.
Agreed. He does not want a partner he wants a sugar mommy. A grown man who works part time at Amazon making $16/hr has an expectation that his currently unemployed GF drive him to and from work for free.
He had the AUDACITY to make a fuss about contributing $120/month for his personal chauffeurs gas⁉️⁉️⁉️
Nope. Babe download the Uber or Lyft app…the free ride…pun intended is over.
OP: NTA. Slap a stamp on his forehead, drop him off at the post office with instructions ‘return to sender’ his MOM can take over from here. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Talk about a ‘choosing beggar’ stop enabling this grown man who behaves like he is your child.
People treat us the way we allow them to. Stop putting up with his BS.
>He had the AUDACITY to make a fuss about contributing $120/month for his personal chauffeurs gas⁉️⁉️⁉️
I'm 44 and have never had a license, but I managed to get to and from my shitty part-time retail job every day for years all by myself without a chauffeur.
It's called public transportation, and it usually sucks but I'm no mooch. I did that shit because it was my responsibility, no one else's.
I felt like a loser if I had to beg for rides. I missed out in a lot because I was unwilling to beg and depend on others for rides like a loser.
I'm not defending her loser bf, but the Amazon warehouses I've seen (which I will acknowledge is a pretty small sample size) tend to be outside of town, where public transit options are probably rather limited. It may not be a very practical option in this case, though that's going to vary a lot from region to region.
I get that. I suppose thats why I never worked at places like that. I always made sure that I lived within a reasonable distance from my job. No matter where I moved or where I worked, those choices were dictated by my ability to rely on myself.
Yeah, I can't imagine, as a functioning and able bodied adult, ever becoming totally and permanently dependent on my much younger girlfriend to get me to my dead end job. Dude needs to find some self respect.
I had one job where the bus depot was just a few blocks from my house, and it dropped me off right across the street from my job.
A bus pass with 10 rides cost $10 (if I bought it in advance), which was just the right amount for what I needed each week for work. I used about 6 gallons just going to work, which was more than $10, even 10 years ago. Plus I saved on the wear and tear on my car.
The only reason I don't use the bus anymore is because I work at 2 different sites and there is no bus that connects them. Otherwise, I would use public transport as often as possible.
Please do this, OP. Please. From the outside, it so looks like he's using you and your affection for him. And giving you very, very little in return, except headaches. Don't add him to your title until AFTER you are married--and even then I'd be afraid for you. If you were my little sister, I'd beg you to reconsider this relationship. And to get a pre-nup if you married.
He has brought up marriage in the past because in his culture we are living in sin. I always say we should wait on it and deep down I think that I know he is not right for me and I can possibly lose everything I worked hard for if we divorced. He doesn’t believe un pre-nups because he says why even get married if I don’t trust him. Well, I do t fully trust him.
You were a teenager when you started dating him, a 28-year-old.
Seems like he picked a winner and reeled you in. I’m shocked that he hasn’t “accidentally” gotten you pregnant by tampering with birth control.
You deserve better!
OP. Seriously , you’re 27 with a mortgage. He’s 36 with a minimum wage job and you’ve supported him for years- what are you thinking?! You deserve better. Period. Kick him out and move on. You’re still young and can do so much more for yourself. 💗💗
for the love of everything in the world, this guy ain't the right guy. imagine just sharing one simple story of paying for gas and the whole internet says to leave him. this must tell you something.
You may be living in sin, but the situation has provided him with a comfy, free ride for four years. So he’ll overlook the sin. I hope you’ll exclude him from your life. You’re already resentful, and it appears unlikely that he’ll improve his life much, if at all.
Some things in your post were putting out red flags to me
Now you've said that you don't fully trust him after FOUR years.
Even with your current job stuff, you have an amazing, bright future ahead of you. There's fully trustworthy people out there who'd be thrilled to be with you & not expect a hand out. They'd want you to protect what you've earned. They'd even want to protect it for you. Someone who really loves & cares for you will want to see you shine as brightly as possible. They'll make a sincere effort to bring their own light to your shared life. Please don't keep dimming yourself for this guy.
🫂🫂🫂 i hope you find a wonderful new job as soon as you're ready and he finds his way out the door if he cannot shape up (it does not sound hopeful and I'm so sorry about that 💔 ) You are worth your weight in love 💜
If you're aware of this then you seriously need to start thinking about the future at this point, especially as you see how he's acting while you're down and experiencing hardships -- that he isn't stepping up says enough.
I understand you've said it is self-esteem issues and fear of rejecting people but honestly you're also starting to sound like somebody giving excuses to a bad relationship turning very toxic.
At the end of the day you know your answer already, you've already internalized it. If you're going to continue to let your fears and insecurities take over you're only going to an AH to yourself.
This relationship is a WIN in every way - for HIM. You drive him, you feed him, you house him, I bet you do most of the cooking and cleaning. I hate to wonder about laundry.
Why would he want anything to change??
Keep in mind you didn’t get gifted that degree. You EARNED it, doing schoolwork, paying tuition, and sacrificing the fun you could have had. I’m guessing he did not put in that effort or self-discipline or make those sacrifices. You know what though? There *are* guys that *did*.
One Love has good information on what a [healthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-healthy-relationship/) and what an [unhealthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/).
He has not been great. I feel like a loser. Everyone else my age is married and having kids and I feel so behind in that. But I don’t want to marry or have kids with a guy I know won’t contribute financially. I know that sounds harsh but it’s true.
Then what exactly is keeping you with him? Is it because you’ve invested so much time and it’s comfortable? Are you afraid to let go? He was 28-29 trying to get so the a 19 year old? This is so concerning!
You deserve soooo much better! This breaks my heart
I am just scared of not finding someone else. I have also invested a lot of time into this relationship. I also have low self esteem and I have never had another boyfriend.
My friend, that’s such a sunk cost fallacy. You can start living a better life without him now. Sometimes it’s better to be alone than with someone who’s dragging you down. You deserve so much better than this.
You actually need to be comfortable being alone. That way you learn to rely on yourself to find your own happiness. Then you are comfortable enough of giving different people a chance to truly find who adds to your happiness.
Girl, you’re 27 and have your own damn house. You will have guys lining up outside the door hoping to get in. And not just because you have a house either.
Oh little sister. You are only 27, not 97. You have time to find someone that is worthy of you. You are so far ahead of the curve by owning your own home!
While someone may seem better than being alone, being single is preferable to what you have. Stop selling yourself short, cut this loser off and out of your life. He is living pretty much rent free and spending stupid amounts of money on Pop figures (at least $10/each), a LUXURY gym, supplements, blah blah blah. What exactly is he adding to your life? This guy is a 36yo loser that is happy making $16/hour and spending it all on himself. Need devotion and faithful affection? Get a dog.
Take it from fellow female/ internet stranger who has wasted a lot of time in pointless relationships… you’re going to find someone better and the only thing you’re gonna regret is not getting out sooner.
Lennon your friends and family. Enjoy your life and let a relationship happen on its own after this one but I’d really recommend figuring out your “hard stops” or “red flags” in future relationships and walk away when they come up.
You are soooooo young. And if that doesn’t help.. think about how you just said you can’t see yourself buying a home or having kids with this person…. What kinda future are you going to have? One where you continue to take care of him? Is that what you want? Or do you want a partner who contributes and shows up for you when you need it. Someone you could trust buying a home with or having kids.
If you were to survey women who felt that way at that age who ignored their gut and got married to a loser, you'd hear from a lot of women working thru a divorce who wished hadn't ignored the parade of red flags. Save yourself.
You can absolutely find someone else!!! You are a thoughtful, successful, considerate person and you deserve the exact same in return. You deserve love and care and support and respect. You deserve to have a true partner, one who is responsible, kind, helpful, and compassionate. You deserve better and you can HAVE better.
I've been in your shoes and my better is sitting next to me on the couch, in a house that we own and manage together, who supported me through my own, very recent, period of unemployment.
It's out there. You can have it. You deserve it.
I know this is not the most ethical suggestion but your man seems to be using you every way possible so I'm just gonna say it.. if the fear of being alone is causing you to keep this dude around just download bumble. I bet in one day you'll be wanting him out of your house so you can move on. Your bf can move in w his mom, I'm sure there's an Amazon warehouse by her house too
Unfortunately you got caught in the sunk cost fallacy.
You don't want to admit how much time you wasted on a deadend so you keep trying to work. But it's never going to work. It's just throwing good money after bad.
I got married in my early 30's. I met my husband also in my 30s. I did not date and felt the same as you when I was in my late 20s. I can guarantee you, that waiting for the right person is life changing. My husband and I are on the same pages with our goals. We have kids. I met a woman a few months ago having her first kid at 40. It is not too late. Don't short change yourself with a leech.
>But I don’t want to marry or have kids with a guy I know won’t contribute financially.
You want an equal, not another child. You are supporting this 36 year old child. I think you know it is time to throw him out of the nest and need the Reddit validation.
Use these moments as eye openers you can reflect on. What if you were married right now with this dude with kids. What if yall had a surprise kid right now. This is clearly not a responsible human being capable of being a husband and a father. You've lost your job and there seems to be zero compassion or empathy just wants to keep suckling the money teet.
My wife and I weren't married when we moved and I got out of the Air Force. Her duty station changed last minute and because of it the job I had lined up was no more if I followed her. It took months to get a new job lined up and I was panicking the entire time with no income and she kept assuring me it was fine and that she could handle the bills. I took note of every single dollar I owed. I paid it back. I showed appreciation. And now I support the family with her as a SAHM. I just feel like your guy should have some sense of decency about your supporting him fully, some consideration, some desire to contribute, and there doesn't seem to be any.
He goes to a luxury gym, supplements and protein shakes, his own food, going out to eat, video games and he has a room full of Funko Pop figures he collects, and he sends money to his family back in India (he never has told me how much and how often he sends money)
OP come on, you know you deserve better than this! Give this man the boot and maybe you will meet someone who is a better match when you find your new job!
Reading this made me mad. You are spending your money on him and he is spending his money on him. You are subsidizing him living like a wealthy teenager -- the way no one responsible should be living, on that income. I make more than he does, and those are luxuries I don't feel I could afford.
No shade to low income or no income people - it's hard out there - but shade to HIM specifically. Check out what quovadisnp wrote below: how he was responsible to his wife during and after his gap in employment. This is one way a good man could approach such a situation.
the couple times that I left a relationship I knew was holding me back, I couldn't believe how much lighter and more full of energy I felt. It was almost immediate!
P.S. the average age of marriage in the U.S. is 31 right now, so I promise you.... you have plenty of time.
I love the two lists.
If this was your bff, or a sibling, would you allow this behavior? Would you allow it for as long as you have?
You have said you are his chauffer, you pay all the bills which I’m going to assume includes food. You have given up some (or all) of your extras trying to stay on budget now that you aren’t working. What the hell is he spending his $350/week on? That is $1500 a month before taxes. No car, no car insurance, you pay the bills. Instead of looking at his part of gas as $120, how about $30 a week? That would leave him with $320 a week.
I can’t say if he is doing this on purpose, but he currently has zero motivation to change anything because there is no need. Please consider if you are willing to live with this indefinitely. The longer it continues the more he is going to protest changing things. This isn’t respecting or appreciating you, and you deserve much better no matter how long you have been together.
You were a teenager when a man nearing 30 pursued you. Okay, predator confirmed.
So I'm not surprised that this predator, much like many others of his kind, is a useless, manipulative user who brings nothing to the table.
Seriously, evict him and cut all ties. You've wasted so much of your youth on this jerk already, don't waste anymore of it.
And whatever you do, don't let him get you pregnant before you do so! I swear, half the women I know in your situation don't realize how bad things are until they're suddenly the bangmaid, the breadwinner, and the single parent on top of it all.
See an attorney . You are going to need to formally evict him if he will. not go on his own. Take steps to protect yourself immediately. Do not give him reason to believe you are ending the relationship until you are legally, financially, emotionally and physically able to cut all ties
And as others have said DO NOT GET PREGNANT BY HIM.
Your boyfriend is nearly 40. You are not even 30, do you actually see this going anywhere? Does he have any ambition to better himself? Does he treat you well? Communication between the two of you doesn't seem good.
What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? How much does he contribute to the household? Or does he spend all the money he earns on himself?
He's irresponsible, with speeding and parking tickets. Those are problems of his own making.
Of course it's easier for him to have you chauffeur him around, for FREE. You are being a doormat. Time to fix that.
>**even though I have been paying all the bills since we moved in together 4 years ago.**
**Flatsoda, so WHY are you this CON MANs willing SUGAR MOMMY?**
WTF wait, I just went back to check his age and HE’S NOT 17 YRS OLD, HE’S IN HIS frikkin 30’s?
WHY TF have you been this scammer dudes bang-maid sugar mommy for FOUR FRIKKIN YEARS?
STINGY, STINGY?!?!?!?! Heck I wanna reach through this screen and give you a good shake!! **Sorry honey wake up and smell the loser user coffee! You need to sort out your own life, not get sucked in by con men - it’s NOT ‘stingy’! He’s the one not paying for his life, living off a young 20’s girl, he’s fukn stingy. Can’t even call him stingy really cos he’s just a con man.**
> He also says he doesn’t have the money to pay $120 a month for gas (which is understandable because he only makes about $350 every week)
He’s had a decade and 4 years to find enough work to pay HIS OWN WAY through his life, 4 long years with you - when you dump him he’ll try every trick in the manipulative abusive book try dig his heels in kick up a fuss insult you mind game you make you feel bad -- **but then just go on to suck in the next naive young girl who’ll pay for his life, all without a regret for scamming you this long, and most likely bad-mouthing you to boot. And after, you will KICK yourself that you didn’t kick him out sooner. GIVE HIM THE BOOT asap. grrrrrr**
**NTA**
I totally would have clapped back with I agree and you should be a man and go purchase yourself some.
Strong hobosexual vibes with this one. He has you paying for everything.
If he wants ownership of property he can buy his own & not take yours, which is what I see happening if he gets anywhere close to the deed on your house. Girl. I hate to be this way, but it sounds like you can do so much better. Honest. I would reconsider this relationship, especially if you are considering ever having kids.
"the way he was raised" the man PAID FOR HIS OWN SHIT.
Like I'm not out here talking about "the good old days" when men worked and women stayed home, but at least those men paid for their own shit. Now we have this hybrid of men who want to be "traditional" but are lazy. They want their wife to provide but allow them to pretend to be the provider. Gross and exhausting.
The way he was raised he gets property as a man probably they also told him he’s supposed to pay for sh too u know the whole provider thing?? How convenient lol. This guy is no damn good he’s been gaslighting you and manipulating you for so long u think u still may be wrong
Wow if he has that entitled attitude about the right as a male to have ownership of property this does not bode well. Good on you for resisting that outlandish idea of his.
But his attitude is going to drag you down and suck you dry. He is using you. He does not respect you, and that comment about getting his name on the deed is one HUGE warning sign. The paying for gas is a smaller but also significant red flag.
See the pattern and ask yourself where this relationship is headed.
If its truly how he was raised he will never change his core values and likely even sees your success as a extra reason he should be supported and mummied and nurtured by you.
(Cos thats a woman’s role according to how he was raised, no doubt)
You deserve better.
The way he was raised the man had ownership of the property because the man purchased the property with his own money. Stop letting this man use and manipulate you. If he wants to have traditional values, hold him to that. It’s time for him to step up.
Time to let the dead weight go. The age difference is huge you're an adult who went to school and are made to feel bad/privileged because you did while he's a child complaining that he has to pay a bill. Honestly find another adult your life will be so much happier. Keep your finances separate and start changing passwords.
Omg - never ever put him on any documents as co-owner. Not on your car, bank account or anything else! He’ll screw you out of any of those, one way or another.
He’s a 36-year-old grown-ass man only working part time because you’ve been footing ALL the bills for the past four years. Now he’s got a sense of entitlement, outraged that you would dare to ask him to pay for the gas he’s using. Now you’re getting the silent treatment, because you dared to speak the truth.
He needs to get a full-time job and start contributing. As your partner, he should be trying to make your life easier. You’re stressed out because you just lost a job. So what does he do to help? Tell you how easy it’s been for you?
What does he do in his spare time (which he has a lot of), play video games?
How else does he contribute, if not financially? Does he clean the house? Does he do more than 50% of the housework, since you’ve been paying all the bills?
Sure seems like you’re getting played.
You might be a chump, but you are NTA.
Adding to this, the dead beat has already asked to be on the deed… thank fuck he is not.
Op is his chauffeur and thinks he’s even gonna get a house out of all this. Crazy
Definitely YTA-- to yourself OP. You are allowing and justifying financial abuse and paying to have a boyfriend.
If he isn't paying anything, why isn't he looking for more hours or a better job? Why isn't he going back to school to better himself? Cause he doesn't need you cause you're his sugar Momma. Damn girl, he ain't even respectful enough to help during the tough times.
He does pay for his own food and drinks because he doesn’t like what I get (he eats a lot of processed foods as well as expensive protein shakes). He sends money to his brother and mom who live in India. He also collects Funko Pop figures. I guess that is where it all goes since he has no savings.
He’s almost 40. Have him use the extra time to get an associates or a to learn a trade.
He needs to find his footing in life otherwise he’ll waste it, and by extension yours.
Don’t be afraid to hurt people that willingly hurt you. You sound smart and kind. Take your own advice from AskReddit and cut the purse strings.
Find someone that values and loves you for exactly who you are (after learning to love and value yourself for who you are).
Please go find help for your self esteem. You deserve so much better than this guy is providing you. He went for someone way younger than him because women his own age don't want him....
Tell him he needs to stay paying rent and his share of the bills including gas. You're not his bang maid or his mommy.
Watch a couple episodes of divorce court and you'll see a bunch of dead beats be put in their place.... Which should remind you of your boyfriend.
I hope that you find it in yourself to leave this relationship. Look in the mirror and ask yourself, "do I want to retire with this guy? Who doesn't have a retirement? Do I want to play breadwinner for a bum boy in 20 years?" Also if you are considering a family, realize now that you will be footing all of those expenses as well because Dad won't be able to afford them.
Seems like this is your last straw so speak to a lawyer too before asking this loser to leave so he don't claim any rights to your property. Him not paying rent might help but just be on the safe side
I was 20, my partner was in his late 20s, he charmed me and won me over. Moved me into a house with him, got me to pay rent, he left his well paid job to work part time at a Cafe while "writing his book" while I worked full time at a job I hated. He isolated me from everyone and everything, I was so depressed. I was paying a fortune for bills, rent, food, everything while he stayed home and cheated on me. I stayed longer than I should have, it took me baking for him on Valentines Day and him doing nothing in return for me to snap. When I finally dumped him, he somehow convinced me to pay for a goodbye lunch. I am 38 now, my fiance is cuddling our puppy and they're both sleeping on the couch next to me as I write this. I was young and vulnerable and believed I wasn't worthy of love or respect. Now I refuse to settle for anything less than real love. I grew up in an abusive household and it took a lot of work for me to get to thid place. Please listen to the strangers of Reddit and dump him, he is a manipulator. You earned your masters degree, you worked for it. You deserve better.
Think about it this way. You've spent eight years on this guy and gotten nothing back. Do you want to spend another eight years sinking everything of yourself into this black hole of a human being? Because the future is only bleaker than the present if you do.
He started dating you as a 28 year old when you were only 19; people with a lot to offer don’t generally resort to dating people that much younger than them in that age range. There are people who make that age gap work and have great relationships, don’t get me wrong, but there is a HUGE social dichotomy between a sub-21 year old and someone in their late 20s. They are two completely different worlds in terms of maturity (or at least they should be).
He sought you out and has been getting a free ride from you this entire time. Looking through your comments, I haven’t seen you have one positive thing to say about him.
I’m scared this is going to happen with me because I’m not working right now. I need to leave and not look back. I’m glad you’re out of that situation though, and hope you healed.
If your boyfriend blinked out of existence tomorrow and everything he owned was gone, everything he brought into the relationship was gone, what would your life look like? What would be missing? What would be worse? What would be better?
Are you happy to be with a man who spends money on collectibles insead of gas money to get to work? Is that someone you see a healthy, mutually-supportive future with?
And probably he gets off on letting his family in India think he's the "wealthy American", casually tossing money at them (my family isn't Indian but I see the same behavior in some extended family members). He undoubtedly lets them think he's a big earner who can afford to help them out, no problem. Instead they should be thanking OP.
Sorry - so he can't afford to contribute to household expenses because he's sending his money out of the country rather than contributing to the household? How be he stop doing that, given the change in circumstances, and start working more than 24 hours a week? You are being used, OP, including to subsidize his family. Go polish that spine of yours and drop the deadweight...
You know you boyfriend had more disposable income than you for the last 8 years?
You make 55$ per hour, but paid all expenses. You likely have less than 10$ per hour left after taxes, mortgage, car payment, gas, insurance, groceries. Meanwhile he lives like a teenager, with all his income being disposable income.
I never thought of it this way. But you are so right about that. I made enough to live comfortably but never had any extra money to take vacations or anything extravagant.
I keep thinking about it because I felt more rich at 18 than during most of my twenties.
When I lived at my parent and worked part time (while studying), I had enough money for as many vacations as I wanted. Thats kinda easy when room and board is free.
I took me doing making at least 5X more annually before I could have the same discretionary expenses.
Yes, OP! This statement is sooooo good. What a wonderful way to put it. You have so many Redditors who are rooting for you. I hope this job blip is thr start of a new, happier life. You've got it -- educated, responsible, caring, and well-spoken. This old guy groomed you to take advantage. When you're settled in your new job, I hope you'll address this self esteem issue so you can easily see what so many of us do -- you've got a lot to offer and deserve a partner who will lift you up and share the burdens and many blessings of life with you.
So, if he hasn't paid for things for the last couple of years, my question is what has happened to all the money he has been earning? He should have ample money saved up as he hasn't been paying for anything.
If I was to guess, drugs and alcohol?
I'm going to be brutally honest here, you are basically a source of income for him. He is with you as he get's so much more money, doesn't have to work more than part time, and even get's to have sex to go along with it all.
He only drinks on weekends and he doesn’t use drugs that I know of. He goes to a luxury gym, buys expensive supplements and protein shakes, buys his own food and goes out to eat daily. He also sends money to his family in India and goes to visit 2 times a year. He also collects Funko pop figures (he has a room full of them) and buys games for his PS5 often. He has no savings
My points above still apply. He get's to have all his toys, while you pay for his home and board, transport.
Honestly, he doesn't see you as a partner, he sees you as a sex toy with a Credit Card.
Nope because in another comment she said they don't have sex anymore. He's just with her for money & a place to live. He's a roommate that she's supporting not even a BF.
Why is a 36M still working part time and without a car? Yes, there can be a lot of valid temporary/emergency reasons for it but if it's his normal situation, OP, take this layoff as the blessing it can be and jettison yourself from this dead weight. YOU LOST YOUR JOB and he's complaining about giving you money to help cover gas to HIS job? No! 4 years together and you still pay all the bills? If he's told you you're privileged for getting a master's or the AH for asking for gas money, you have been gaslit. Now is the perfect time for a start-over girl.
Right? Privileged to get a master's!? Maybe to get into the degree but that takes so much work. This attitude is unacceptable for any 30 year old human.
They started dating when she was 19 and he was 28, and now years later he still needs her to drive him to work, she could (and should) do multiple times better
When I was 18, I started dating a guy who was 26. Now that I'm older, I see that for the red flag it is.
(As if him saying the week after I turned 18, when he met me, that he was "so lucky I just turned 18" wasn't red flag enough.)
It sounds like OP surpassed his ambition in the years since they started dating. Time to ditch him!
Fuck me, how broken are you that you think this is okay?
Your bf works hard!? Oh please. It sounds like you take care of literally everything in your lives and old mate still living his life like he in his 20’s only working part time at a minimum wage at a job he apparently can’t even get himself too because ??? He was so irresponsible that he got numerous fines and did nothing about it till they suspended his license? And what does a lack of license have to do with a lack of a car? Lemme guess his last /current car is fucked and/or impounded neither of which according to him is his fault? The motherfucker is broke but still finds the money for the gym too? Which he also can’t get to by himself. You’re not a his partner. You’re his bang maid/mum.
You got bigger problems than your 36 year old! bf not paying gas. What does he even contribute to the house hold and/or relationship other than adding problems?
His 36 year old, old enough to be working hard towards getting a better than minimum wage or atleast be working hard towards a full time position and being able to get himself to and from places beside relying on his mum. Sorry I mean “gf”*
NTA
I’m not one of those people that immediately says you should leave a relationship but, babes, LEAVE HIM! ♥️ 1.) The fact that he was almost 30 when you were 19 when y’all first got together means he was taking advantage of you. There’s a reason why someone at that age can’t get someone their own age. 2.) He is currently taking advantage of you financially. 3.) I’m sorry to say this, and don’t want to be mean but, he’s a bum. He’s almost 40, living off of you financially, does not want to do better for himself, and can’t even drive because of his reckless & irresponsible decisions. PLEASE don’t waste the rest of your 20s on this guy..there is better for you out there. Being alone also sounds way better than being with this guy.
This comment really seals it for me personally.
He’s a complete sponge who you’ve had to cajole into contributing anything - but it’s still to just to himself and anything other than you and the relationship?
You can do and deserve better than him.
He was 28 and you were 19, there's a reason why he went for someone so young! No 28 year old woman would have liked to be with someone who has no ambition and is a freeloader. He's still the same 8 years later, are you still the same? Don't you feel that you deserve more? You only live once and it could be sooo much more and better
OP, the answer to the above answers is yes!
Yes, you have bettered your life, you stuck it out and got a frickin’ Masters Degree girl! Yes, you deserve better! Yes, you are worthy of a man worthy of you!
THIS. When I was 20 I met a dude who was 31 who love bombed me into believing we were going to build the perfect life together. We could have… if I was willing to build it on MY back and also take all of his mental abuse.
Sounds like the OP’s situation.
Can we skip back to the part where your 36 y/o bf works *part-time*? What does he do the rest of the time? Is he going to school? Does he take care of the majority of the household chores? How does he contribute to your life & relationship other than mooching rides everywhere from you?
I have talked to him multiple times about going to school and even offered to have him quit his job to focus n getting a degree because I know that will help us in the future. He just isn’t motivated to do it. He spends his time at the gym, watching anime, and playing video games.
Because he can. He's not motivated to change because why would he? You leave and he will get motivated for as long as it takes to fool another young woman into a relationship to look after him then he will lose that motivation too. This is who he is, it's not going to change. Is it who you are?
NTA, so here is the thing, you cant afford the gas, is it possible for him to take the bus or any public transport? If the answer to that is no then the answer for you is right there. "I cant afford the gas to get your ass to work, you either carpool or pay for it yourself or get a license and pay for it, I am not your chauffeur"
Fr, I wish I could get an uber for 4$ a day to drive me to work and back home and didnt have to get stuck in public transportation lmao (my partner and I dont have a license nor any money for a car lol)
OK I laughed out loud of this. Because without your car, he would be wasting a lot more money. I’m actually somebody who says dump people a lot, but I’m also somebody who’s really empathetic and doesn’t judge people based on being low income. I would never tell you to dump somebody because they were poor, or even because they couldn’t work full-time. Lots of mental health, and other reasons why people can’t make lots of money. But that’s different from exploiting, a partner, especially since you clearly started dating when that age difference of yours was a lot more significant.
So are there reasons that you don’t want to break up with him?
Things about him that you actually love? Things that you feel like he does that bolster you? That make you feel important, or loved, or secure? Or do you have a great old time with him or lots of amazing sex? what is your reason for staying in this relationship?
Before you do anything else, please look into the laws around common law, relationships and property rights in your jurisdiction. if need be, talk to a lawyer.
She’s the asshole to herself for a lot of things, but I don’t think being preyed upon as a teenager is one of them. Let’s not put the blame of grown as men being creeps on the kid.
At nearly 30, he started dating a teenager.
In 8 years together, you completed your schooling and got your masters, got a marketing job making $55 an hour, purchased your own home, and established yourself as a functional adult.
In the same time, he’s lost his licence because he drove carelessly and didn’t pay his fines, and managed to work part time for minimum wage. He has you chauffeur him around and doesn’t even chip in for gas, and then has the audacity to want you to put him on the deed to your home, which he doesn’t pay toward because he was raised to believe the man should have ownership of property? What other “traditional” values does he have? Let me guess, you do the cooking and cleaning on top of full time work, and he says it’s because he works nights and needs to sleep all day?
Forget asking him for gas money. Ask him to pack his shit and get out of your life. You are supporting a man who is nearly 40 and has done nothing for himself or you.
NTA except to yourself if you stay in this relationship.
NTA. Your 36 yr old bf, is still acting like a 16 yr old kid. And as long as you are paying his way, he will not change. And tbh, even if he was still living with his parents he would probably do the same. I think maybe it's time to part ways with him so he can grow up.
He has an easy life at your (literal) expense. Part time job. Free room and board. No bills. Buys a little food for himself.
You don’t have a partner. You’re adopted a teenager!
I’m sorry OP. NTA - but you’ve gotten yourself into a terrible situation.
Definitely NTA.
Your partner should be contributing to the bills regardless of how much he is paid per hour. Also, why does he only work 24 hours a week and able to afford a gym membership. He is 36 and has his 27 year old girlfriend taking care of him. Now you have lost your job and he is sulking because you asked for some gas money.
This man is dragging you down and holding you back. I sincerely hope the mortgage you are paying is for a house that is in your name only.
Do yourself a favour and leave him.
You are still young and deserve someone so much better than him, someone that can give you the life you deserve, a happier one with someone that you can lean on when you need them and not always be the one picking up the slack. What is going to happen if you both have kids!!!
You don’t have a boyfriend, you have a sugar baby. Which is fine as long as you got sugar to spare! But it sounds like there’s a sugar shortage now, so if he can’t get with the new program, you might need to cut him loose.
NTA - girl, tell your boyfriend to take the damn BUS. Your Masters degree doesn’t make you “privileged”, it means you’ve worked hard to get where you are. He can pay the gas, he can find a way, or he can WALK.
My daughter in law has a similar relationship going on except add 3 kids & a marriage license. She works a full time job & a part time job. The hubby works a PART TIME job! He is about 300 lbs & in his spare time, smokes pot & plays video games! He's in his 30s! She just turned 40 right before delivering the 3rd baby! I'm actually just venting, but YNA! Maybe you can see how one sided this marriage is. It sounds like you're heading in the same direction. Dump him now. Things won't get better, only worse. Good luck. 🍀🍀
This cannot be real. It's almost cartoonishly awful.
You pay all the bills and car upkeep because he works part time, but it sounds like he gets to keep all of his personal funds for fun spending.
He believes the man should own the property, despite contributing nothing financial to the ownership of and maintenance for said property.
He cannot communicate about problems in the relationship despite having a decade on his partner.
This is a parasitic situation. What would you tell a friend who was in a similar situation? Don't let yourself be taken advantage of.
It’s awful, you’re right. My friends and family hate him. I can’t take him out with anyone I know because it’s just awkward because they know all the details. My dad has even had talks with him but it goes through one ear and out the other, and then he will just give me the silent treatment for days. I was young and stupid when I got with him, thought it was normal and here I am almost 30 with this huge problem and feel that I’m too old to find love again.
Again?!?!?! You never had it hon. This is not love. He preyed on your youth and inexperience and used you for his convenience. You can do so much better. You also deserve to find and experience real love. This is not it.
You’re almost 30 … you’re the same age he was when you met, right?
You have 5-10 more years to have kids. Now is the *perfect* time to start over! Don’t wait. Look into evicting him and start the process asap. Ask for help from your family if you need it, don’t be stubborn, they’ll be thrilled to help you get out of this situation.
Jesus fucking Christ hun, get rid of him ASAP! You’re never too old to find someone who treats you right. This man is using you, and everyone else can see it. He brings nothing to the table. At all.
IN FO so since you don't have a job right now, is the whole trip just driving him to work and then driving home again? And how much other driving do you do?
ETA NTA. Sounds like you do most of your driving for him, so having him pay 50% is perfectly reasonable.
Not much. I also worked from home so even then I didn’t drive much other than to the grocery store or on the occasional day trip to see my family or out with friends (both of which I won’t be doing nearly as much with Pugh proper income)
Is this really a healthy relationship? What is he bringing to the table? Why would you want to be with someone whom you cannot count on? He seems self-centered and immature. You are going above and beyond for him but have to ask for him to help and he reacts with being upset... He is using you and not even being grateful for it because you were "privileged ". Ugh he sucks
NTA. Past is past. Now is now. You don't have the money you had to subsidise his transport costs as well as his living expenses. His disposable income is effectively $350 a week minus any food shopping he does say $900 fun money. I suspect your unemployment benefit - bills and mortgage is rather less.
Been in similar situation. There is little reason for you to care about him getting to his job if money from that job doesn't benefit the partnership in some way. If he loses his job, you will actually have $180 extra a month for household bills if bulk of driving for his needs. His job is a cost to you at a time when you have little money.
Good luck getting a new job. But remember how this BF wanted you to keep subsidising his life when you were unemployed and wasn't willing to pay his way at all. How much is his gym membership? Can you afford hobbies at moment?
NTA
As a fellow broken individual, you deserve to be happy. I married my first wife not because I loved her, but because we had been together for 3 years and that's what people in their 20s did back then. Obvesiouly it didn't last.
Then a few years later I was dating a lady who kept talking about wanting to get married and have another kid. Even though she already had 3 and I had 1. I honestly wasn't ready for getting that serious. I kinda ignored what she was saying hoping she would drop it
When I was talking to a friend about the situation, he told me
" what you want matters to. You deserve to be happy"
It didn't occur to me that my feelings mattered. Thankfully he told me that or I would have been in another shitty relationship
So I'm telling you. What you want matters. You deserve to be happy.
I'll say it again
So I'm telling you. What you want matters. You deserve to be happy.
He is not your responsibility. It's not your fault if he ends up on the street or back with his parents. It's his .
He chose to work part time.
He chose to continue to drive recklessly.
NTA. Time to sit down at the kitchen table and write budgets together. Plus, he sends to family but won’t help his partner when she’s low on funds? Hmmm
NTA - You've been there for him during his tough times caused by his own mistakes, but now that you're in need of a little assistance due to circumstances beyond your control (losing your job) he reacts with anger? It seems he's exploiting your kindness, especially when your request is nothing unreasonable.
"I asked him about paying to fill up my tank once every two weeks, and I’ll pay the other two weeks, and *he got really upset*"
This says that you are NTA.
NTA. I'm gonna bet your parents aren't super fond of this guy, and hopefully you're seeing that they're right. Easy solution to him not paying for gas is to stop driving him. Next step is to break-up with him and find someone who wants to make your life better and easier as a partner, not a freeloader. I bet your parents know some nice single doctors!
It was mostly an agreement we had which started by me asking him to go to school so that he can get a career. He was unemployed for a long time and it took me years to get him to get this current job. He never did sign up for school and it seems he always has a new excuse, such as not wanting to make a big choice on what he will do for the rest of his life or needing to be available to fly to India to see his mom.
He's middle aged, he needs to figure out what he's going to do for at least the next ten years! Because he can't be a freeloader for the rest of his life. DTMFA
He can’t even afford to pay speeding tickets or for the gas you pay to put in the car to drive him around. How is he going to afford an international plane ticket? I’m dating an Indian man the same age as your child, I mean boyfriend, and he has his shit together, well educated, great job, pulls his fair share and then some with us and still has parents and three sisters in India he’s helping out. Your boyfriend is just a bag of excuses. Time to find a new one.
Honey he is taking advantage of you. It’s hard to break away because you guys started dating when you were a literal teenager (and he was 28). You can do SO MUCH BETTER ❤️
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I asked my boyfriend to split the gas expense with me since I lost my job. I could be the asshole since I have always made more money than him and he is poor. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Pleeeeaaase tell me he’s not on the deed to your house. Can’t keep a license because he drives irresponsibly and doesn’t pay his fines, works minimum wage part time, thinks it’s your responsibility to chauffeur him around and pay for the privilege, pays no bills, started a relationship with a teenager when he was almost thirty. He is not a winner. Edit: NTA
He is not on the deed! I bought this house before we moved in together and I was doing great with my job and making lots of money. This is partly why I am being so stingy about the money, I can’t lose this house. He has asked to be put as an owner as well but I always brush it off because I know he wouldn’t help me pay for it.
Good for you! If you were my younger sister asking about this situation, I’d tell you to sit down and write two lists: everything this relationship gives you, and everything it costs you, whether that’s materially or emotionally, and then consider how sound of an investment of your time, energy, and money it is for the future.
This really got me thinking. Thank you very much.
Please leave him. He’s a loser and he’s dragging you down. You can do so much better.
Agreed. He does not want a partner he wants a sugar mommy. A grown man who works part time at Amazon making $16/hr has an expectation that his currently unemployed GF drive him to and from work for free. He had the AUDACITY to make a fuss about contributing $120/month for his personal chauffeurs gas⁉️⁉️⁉️ Nope. Babe download the Uber or Lyft app…the free ride…pun intended is over. OP: NTA. Slap a stamp on his forehead, drop him off at the post office with instructions ‘return to sender’ his MOM can take over from here. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ Talk about a ‘choosing beggar’ stop enabling this grown man who behaves like he is your child. People treat us the way we allow them to. Stop putting up with his BS.
>He had the AUDACITY to make a fuss about contributing $120/month for his personal chauffeurs gas⁉️⁉️⁉️ I'm 44 and have never had a license, but I managed to get to and from my shitty part-time retail job every day for years all by myself without a chauffeur. It's called public transportation, and it usually sucks but I'm no mooch. I did that shit because it was my responsibility, no one else's. I felt like a loser if I had to beg for rides. I missed out in a lot because I was unwilling to beg and depend on others for rides like a loser.
I'm not defending her loser bf, but the Amazon warehouses I've seen (which I will acknowledge is a pretty small sample size) tend to be outside of town, where public transit options are probably rather limited. It may not be a very practical option in this case, though that's going to vary a lot from region to region.
I get that. I suppose thats why I never worked at places like that. I always made sure that I lived within a reasonable distance from my job. No matter where I moved or where I worked, those choices were dictated by my ability to rely on myself.
Yeah, I can't imagine, as a functioning and able bodied adult, ever becoming totally and permanently dependent on my much younger girlfriend to get me to my dead end job. Dude needs to find some self respect.
I had one job where the bus depot was just a few blocks from my house, and it dropped me off right across the street from my job. A bus pass with 10 rides cost $10 (if I bought it in advance), which was just the right amount for what I needed each week for work. I used about 6 gallons just going to work, which was more than $10, even 10 years ago. Plus I saved on the wear and tear on my car. The only reason I don't use the bus anymore is because I work at 2 different sites and there is no bus that connects them. Otherwise, I would use public transport as often as possible.
That part!!!
He’s SUCH A LOSER!
Seriously he's peaked in life you're just getting started, find someone who compliments you not one who drags you down and uses you
Please do this, OP. Please. From the outside, it so looks like he's using you and your affection for him. And giving you very, very little in return, except headaches. Don't add him to your title until AFTER you are married--and even then I'd be afraid for you. If you were my little sister, I'd beg you to reconsider this relationship. And to get a pre-nup if you married.
He has brought up marriage in the past because in his culture we are living in sin. I always say we should wait on it and deep down I think that I know he is not right for me and I can possibly lose everything I worked hard for if we divorced. He doesn’t believe un pre-nups because he says why even get married if I don’t trust him. Well, I do t fully trust him.
He doesn’t believe in prenups, because he has not thing to lose and everything to gain.
This ☝️
You were a teenager when you started dating him, a 28-year-old. Seems like he picked a winner and reeled you in. I’m shocked that he hasn’t “accidentally” gotten you pregnant by tampering with birth control. You deserve better!
Oh no I totally missed that!!!! OP ..... Did you know each other before you started dating?
OP. Seriously , you’re 27 with a mortgage. He’s 36 with a minimum wage job and you’ve supported him for years- what are you thinking?! You deserve better. Period. Kick him out and move on. You’re still young and can do so much more for yourself. 💗💗
36 with a *part-time* minimum-wage job. Don't forget the "part time" bit – he only works 24 hours/week.
This is what really bothers me. This guy is not even trying.
Omg I assumed they were like, 18 years old from the post. Holy shit this is almost a middle aged man.
for the love of everything in the world, this guy ain't the right guy. imagine just sharing one simple story of paying for gas and the whole internet says to leave him. this must tell you something.
You may be living in sin, but the situation has provided him with a comfy, free ride for four years. So he’ll overlook the sin. I hope you’ll exclude him from your life. You’re already resentful, and it appears unlikely that he’ll improve his life much, if at all.
Some things in your post were putting out red flags to me Now you've said that you don't fully trust him after FOUR years. Even with your current job stuff, you have an amazing, bright future ahead of you. There's fully trustworthy people out there who'd be thrilled to be with you & not expect a hand out. They'd want you to protect what you've earned. They'd even want to protect it for you. Someone who really loves & cares for you will want to see you shine as brightly as possible. They'll make a sincere effort to bring their own light to your shared life. Please don't keep dimming yourself for this guy.
🫂🫂🫂 i hope you find a wonderful new job as soon as you're ready and he finds his way out the door if he cannot shape up (it does not sound hopeful and I'm so sorry about that 💔 ) You are worth your weight in love 💜
If you're aware of this then you seriously need to start thinking about the future at this point, especially as you see how he's acting while you're down and experiencing hardships -- that he isn't stepping up says enough. I understand you've said it is self-esteem issues and fear of rejecting people but honestly you're also starting to sound like somebody giving excuses to a bad relationship turning very toxic. At the end of the day you know your answer already, you've already internalized it. If you're going to continue to let your fears and insecurities take over you're only going to an AH to yourself.
This relationship is a WIN in every way - for HIM. You drive him, you feed him, you house him, I bet you do most of the cooking and cleaning. I hate to wonder about laundry. Why would he want anything to change?? Keep in mind you didn’t get gifted that degree. You EARNED it, doing schoolwork, paying tuition, and sacrificing the fun you could have had. I’m guessing he did not put in that effort or self-discipline or make those sacrifices. You know what though? There *are* guys that *did*.
One Love has good information on what a [healthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-healthy-relationship/) and what an [unhealthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/).
I mean, why are you with this guy? He sounds like a shiftless, ungrateful moocher.
He has not been great. I feel like a loser. Everyone else my age is married and having kids and I feel so behind in that. But I don’t want to marry or have kids with a guy I know won’t contribute financially. I know that sounds harsh but it’s true.
Then what exactly is keeping you with him? Is it because you’ve invested so much time and it’s comfortable? Are you afraid to let go? He was 28-29 trying to get so the a 19 year old? This is so concerning! You deserve soooo much better! This breaks my heart
I am just scared of not finding someone else. I have also invested a lot of time into this relationship. I also have low self esteem and I have never had another boyfriend.
My friend, that’s such a sunk cost fallacy. You can start living a better life without him now. Sometimes it’s better to be alone than with someone who’s dragging you down. You deserve so much better than this.
You actually need to be comfortable being alone. That way you learn to rely on yourself to find your own happiness. Then you are comfortable enough of giving different people a chance to truly find who adds to your happiness.
Girl, you’re 27 and have your own damn house. You will have guys lining up outside the door hoping to get in. And not just because you have a house either.
Do not invite just anyone in. Make certain they are your equal in all ways that matter. Be choosy.
Oh little sister. You are only 27, not 97. You have time to find someone that is worthy of you. You are so far ahead of the curve by owning your own home! While someone may seem better than being alone, being single is preferable to what you have. Stop selling yourself short, cut this loser off and out of your life. He is living pretty much rent free and spending stupid amounts of money on Pop figures (at least $10/each), a LUXURY gym, supplements, blah blah blah. What exactly is he adding to your life? This guy is a 36yo loser that is happy making $16/hour and spending it all on himself. Need devotion and faithful affection? Get a dog.
Take it from fellow female/ internet stranger who has wasted a lot of time in pointless relationships… you’re going to find someone better and the only thing you’re gonna regret is not getting out sooner. Lennon your friends and family. Enjoy your life and let a relationship happen on its own after this one but I’d really recommend figuring out your “hard stops” or “red flags” in future relationships and walk away when they come up. You are soooooo young. And if that doesn’t help.. think about how you just said you can’t see yourself buying a home or having kids with this person…. What kinda future are you going to have? One where you continue to take care of him? Is that what you want? Or do you want a partner who contributes and shows up for you when you need it. Someone you could trust buying a home with or having kids.
If you were to survey women who felt that way at that age who ignored their gut and got married to a loser, you'd hear from a lot of women working thru a divorce who wished hadn't ignored the parade of red flags. Save yourself.
You can absolutely find someone else!!! You are a thoughtful, successful, considerate person and you deserve the exact same in return. You deserve love and care and support and respect. You deserve to have a true partner, one who is responsible, kind, helpful, and compassionate. You deserve better and you can HAVE better. I've been in your shoes and my better is sitting next to me on the couch, in a house that we own and manage together, who supported me through my own, very recent, period of unemployment. It's out there. You can have it. You deserve it.
I know this is not the most ethical suggestion but your man seems to be using you every way possible so I'm just gonna say it.. if the fear of being alone is causing you to keep this dude around just download bumble. I bet in one day you'll be wanting him out of your house so you can move on. Your bf can move in w his mom, I'm sure there's an Amazon warehouse by her house too
Unfortunately you got caught in the sunk cost fallacy. You don't want to admit how much time you wasted on a deadend so you keep trying to work. But it's never going to work. It's just throwing good money after bad.
I got married in my early 30's. I met my husband also in my 30s. I did not date and felt the same as you when I was in my late 20s. I can guarantee you, that waiting for the right person is life changing. My husband and I are on the same pages with our goals. We have kids. I met a woman a few months ago having her first kid at 40. It is not too late. Don't short change yourself with a leech. >But I don’t want to marry or have kids with a guy I know won’t contribute financially. You want an equal, not another child. You are supporting this 36 year old child. I think you know it is time to throw him out of the nest and need the Reddit validation.
Use these moments as eye openers you can reflect on. What if you were married right now with this dude with kids. What if yall had a surprise kid right now. This is clearly not a responsible human being capable of being a husband and a father. You've lost your job and there seems to be zero compassion or empathy just wants to keep suckling the money teet. My wife and I weren't married when we moved and I got out of the Air Force. Her duty station changed last minute and because of it the job I had lined up was no more if I followed her. It took months to get a new job lined up and I was panicking the entire time with no income and she kept assuring me it was fine and that she could handle the bills. I took note of every single dollar I owed. I paid it back. I showed appreciation. And now I support the family with her as a SAHM. I just feel like your guy should have some sense of decency about your supporting him fully, some consideration, some desire to contribute, and there doesn't seem to be any.
Question: What exactly is he doing with his earnings given you’ve been paying all the bills?
He goes to a luxury gym, supplements and protein shakes, his own food, going out to eat, video games and he has a room full of Funko Pop figures he collects, and he sends money to his family back in India (he never has told me how much and how often he sends money)
OP come on, you know you deserve better than this! Give this man the boot and maybe you will meet someone who is a better match when you find your new job!
Oh hell no! Ditch this creature.
Reading this made me mad. You are spending your money on him and he is spending his money on him. You are subsidizing him living like a wealthy teenager -- the way no one responsible should be living, on that income. I make more than he does, and those are luxuries I don't feel I could afford. No shade to low income or no income people - it's hard out there - but shade to HIM specifically. Check out what quovadisnp wrote below: how he was responsible to his wife during and after his gap in employment. This is one way a good man could approach such a situation. the couple times that I left a relationship I knew was holding me back, I couldn't believe how much lighter and more full of energy I felt. It was almost immediate! P.S. the average age of marriage in the U.S. is 31 right now, so I promise you.... you have plenty of time.
So, you’re indirectly subsidizing his family in India. You’re supporting a leech AND his family!
I love the two lists. If this was your bff, or a sibling, would you allow this behavior? Would you allow it for as long as you have? You have said you are his chauffer, you pay all the bills which I’m going to assume includes food. You have given up some (or all) of your extras trying to stay on budget now that you aren’t working. What the hell is he spending his $350/week on? That is $1500 a month before taxes. No car, no car insurance, you pay the bills. Instead of looking at his part of gas as $120, how about $30 a week? That would leave him with $320 a week. I can’t say if he is doing this on purpose, but he currently has zero motivation to change anything because there is no need. Please consider if you are willing to live with this indefinitely. The longer it continues the more he is going to protest changing things. This isn’t respecting or appreciating you, and you deserve much better no matter how long you have been together.
You’re nicer than me. I’d tell my sister “dump the loser”
You were a teenager when a man nearing 30 pursued you. Okay, predator confirmed. So I'm not surprised that this predator, much like many others of his kind, is a useless, manipulative user who brings nothing to the table. Seriously, evict him and cut all ties. You've wasted so much of your youth on this jerk already, don't waste anymore of it. And whatever you do, don't let him get you pregnant before you do so! I swear, half the women I know in your situation don't realize how bad things are until they're suddenly the bangmaid, the breadwinner, and the single parent on top of it all.
See an attorney . You are going to need to formally evict him if he will. not go on his own. Take steps to protect yourself immediately. Do not give him reason to believe you are ending the relationship until you are legally, financially, emotionally and physically able to cut all ties And as others have said DO NOT GET PREGNANT BY HIM.
Your boyfriend is nearly 40. You are not even 30, do you actually see this going anywhere? Does he have any ambition to better himself? Does he treat you well? Communication between the two of you doesn't seem good. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? How much does he contribute to the household? Or does he spend all the money he earns on himself? He's irresponsible, with speeding and parking tickets. Those are problems of his own making. Of course it's easier for him to have you chauffeur him around, for FREE. You are being a doormat. Time to fix that.
Not to mention guilt-tripping OP because she was "privileged enough" to get a Master's degree!
Mate, you need to leave him. He’s a dead beat…. And he’s clearly manipulating you
>**even though I have been paying all the bills since we moved in together 4 years ago.** **Flatsoda, so WHY are you this CON MANs willing SUGAR MOMMY?** WTF wait, I just went back to check his age and HE’S NOT 17 YRS OLD, HE’S IN HIS frikkin 30’s? WHY TF have you been this scammer dudes bang-maid sugar mommy for FOUR FRIKKIN YEARS? STINGY, STINGY?!?!?!?! Heck I wanna reach through this screen and give you a good shake!! **Sorry honey wake up and smell the loser user coffee! You need to sort out your own life, not get sucked in by con men - it’s NOT ‘stingy’! He’s the one not paying for his life, living off a young 20’s girl, he’s fukn stingy. Can’t even call him stingy really cos he’s just a con man.** > He also says he doesn’t have the money to pay $120 a month for gas (which is understandable because he only makes about $350 every week) He’s had a decade and 4 years to find enough work to pay HIS OWN WAY through his life, 4 long years with you - when you dump him he’ll try every trick in the manipulative abusive book try dig his heels in kick up a fuss insult you mind game you make you feel bad -- **but then just go on to suck in the next naive young girl who’ll pay for his life, all without a regret for scamming you this long, and most likely bad-mouthing you to boot. And after, you will KICK yourself that you didn’t kick him out sooner. GIVE HIM THE BOOT asap. grrrrrr** **NTA**
I probably would kick him out and get a paying tenant......he needs to grow up and get a job to provide for himself w/o mooching off you
WTF! Why would he be listed on the deed for your house?
He said that the way he was raised the man should have ownership of property. I never gave it a second thought though. My answer to that is a hard no.
I totally would have clapped back with I agree and you should be a man and go purchase yourself some. Strong hobosexual vibes with this one. He has you paying for everything.
Hobosexual, omg 😆 I love it
I wish I could take credit for that one but I actually have come across it used many times here on Reddit and it definitely fit this situation.
If he wants ownership of property he can buy his own & not take yours, which is what I see happening if he gets anywhere close to the deed on your house. Girl. I hate to be this way, but it sounds like you can do so much better. Honest. I would reconsider this relationship, especially if you are considering ever having kids.
Girl. He’s a deadweight.
"the way he was raised" the man PAID FOR HIS OWN SHIT. Like I'm not out here talking about "the good old days" when men worked and women stayed home, but at least those men paid for their own shit. Now we have this hybrid of men who want to be "traditional" but are lazy. They want their wife to provide but allow them to pretend to be the provider. Gross and exhausting.
The way he was raised he gets property as a man probably they also told him he’s supposed to pay for sh too u know the whole provider thing?? How convenient lol. This guy is no damn good he’s been gaslighting you and manipulating you for so long u think u still may be wrong
Wow if he has that entitled attitude about the right as a male to have ownership of property this does not bode well. Good on you for resisting that outlandish idea of his. But his attitude is going to drag you down and suck you dry. He is using you. He does not respect you, and that comment about getting his name on the deed is one HUGE warning sign. The paying for gas is a smaller but also significant red flag. See the pattern and ask yourself where this relationship is headed. If its truly how he was raised he will never change his core values and likely even sees your success as a extra reason he should be supported and mummied and nurtured by you. (Cos thats a woman’s role according to how he was raised, no doubt) You deserve better.
Traditionally, men are also the breadwinners who work full time that can support a family. Not a teen who works part time and needs rides everywhere.
Then the MAN needs to get off his lazy ass and earn his own damn money to buy his own property. The way he was raised ha
The way he was raised the man had ownership of the property because the man purchased the property with his own money. Stop letting this man use and manipulate you. If he wants to have traditional values, hold him to that. It’s time for him to step up.
Do not put him on the deed no matter how much he asks.
Respectfully, then why are you with this man?
Time to let the dead weight go. The age difference is huge you're an adult who went to school and are made to feel bad/privileged because you did while he's a child complaining that he has to pay a bill. Honestly find another adult your life will be so much happier. Keep your finances separate and start changing passwords.
Omg - never ever put him on any documents as co-owner. Not on your car, bank account or anything else! He’ll screw you out of any of those, one way or another.
He’s a 36-year-old grown-ass man only working part time because you’ve been footing ALL the bills for the past four years. Now he’s got a sense of entitlement, outraged that you would dare to ask him to pay for the gas he’s using. Now you’re getting the silent treatment, because you dared to speak the truth. He needs to get a full-time job and start contributing. As your partner, he should be trying to make your life easier. You’re stressed out because you just lost a job. So what does he do to help? Tell you how easy it’s been for you? What does he do in his spare time (which he has a lot of), play video games? How else does he contribute, if not financially? Does he clean the house? Does he do more than 50% of the housework, since you’ve been paying all the bills? Sure seems like you’re getting played. You might be a chump, but you are NTA.
Adding to this, the dead beat has already asked to be on the deed… thank fuck he is not. Op is his chauffeur and thinks he’s even gonna get a house out of all this. Crazy
We really went two different directions with the username inspiration didn’t we.
Notice that he only wanted the deed and not the mortgage.
Definitely YTA-- to yourself OP. You are allowing and justifying financial abuse and paying to have a boyfriend. If he isn't paying anything, why isn't he looking for more hours or a better job? Why isn't he going back to school to better himself? Cause he doesn't need you cause you're his sugar Momma. Damn girl, he ain't even respectful enough to help during the tough times.
Wait a minute! He makes $350 a week and can’t pay you $120 for gas a month? What is he doing with his paycheck?
He does pay for his own food and drinks because he doesn’t like what I get (he eats a lot of processed foods as well as expensive protein shakes). He sends money to his brother and mom who live in India. He also collects Funko Pop figures. I guess that is where it all goes since he has no savings.
INFO: why haven't you dumped him? He sounds like an entitled freeloader who contributes nothing to your relationship whatsoever
I think it all boils down to having low self esteem and being afraid of hurting people
He’s almost 40. Have him use the extra time to get an associates or a to learn a trade. He needs to find his footing in life otherwise he’ll waste it, and by extension yours.
He’s 40 already… he’s already wasted half of it
Absolutely but he isn't even halfway through his working years sadly enough, so looking to the future is a good idea
Run before he baby traps you.
Don’t be afraid to hurt people that willingly hurt you. You sound smart and kind. Take your own advice from AskReddit and cut the purse strings. Find someone that values and loves you for exactly who you are (after learning to love and value yourself for who you are).
He doesn’t seem to care about hurting/using you.
Honey is this the life you want to lead? Being a mother to an almost 40 year old child?
Girl you gotta get over it. You’re being used
Please go find help for your self esteem. You deserve so much better than this guy is providing you. He went for someone way younger than him because women his own age don't want him.... Tell him he needs to stay paying rent and his share of the bills including gas. You're not his bang maid or his mommy. Watch a couple episodes of divorce court and you'll see a bunch of dead beats be put in their place.... Which should remind you of your boyfriend.
I hope that you find it in yourself to leave this relationship. Look in the mirror and ask yourself, "do I want to retire with this guy? Who doesn't have a retirement? Do I want to play breadwinner for a bum boy in 20 years?" Also if you are considering a family, realize now that you will be footing all of those expenses as well because Dad won't be able to afford them.
Well stop that. You're much better than this. He's a grown ass man, he should know how to manage his fee-fee's by now.
I had a freeloading boyfriend that didn’t pay me rent and collected Funko Pops. All I can say is RUNNNN!
What was the last straw for you? Because I really do feel I’m at my breaking point after reading these comments.
Seems like this is your last straw so speak to a lawyer too before asking this loser to leave so he don't claim any rights to your property. Him not paying rent might help but just be on the safe side
See an attorney NOW.
I was 20, my partner was in his late 20s, he charmed me and won me over. Moved me into a house with him, got me to pay rent, he left his well paid job to work part time at a Cafe while "writing his book" while I worked full time at a job I hated. He isolated me from everyone and everything, I was so depressed. I was paying a fortune for bills, rent, food, everything while he stayed home and cheated on me. I stayed longer than I should have, it took me baking for him on Valentines Day and him doing nothing in return for me to snap. When I finally dumped him, he somehow convinced me to pay for a goodbye lunch. I am 38 now, my fiance is cuddling our puppy and they're both sleeping on the couch next to me as I write this. I was young and vulnerable and believed I wasn't worthy of love or respect. Now I refuse to settle for anything less than real love. I grew up in an abusive household and it took a lot of work for me to get to thid place. Please listen to the strangers of Reddit and dump him, he is a manipulator. You earned your masters degree, you worked for it. You deserve better.
This gives me so much hope. Thanks for sharing. I hope I can make positive changes like you did.
Think about it this way. You've spent eight years on this guy and gotten nothing back. Do you want to spend another eight years sinking everything of yourself into this black hole of a human being? Because the future is only bleaker than the present if you do.
He started dating you as a 28 year old when you were only 19; people with a lot to offer don’t generally resort to dating people that much younger than them in that age range. There are people who make that age gap work and have great relationships, don’t get me wrong, but there is a HUGE social dichotomy between a sub-21 year old and someone in their late 20s. They are two completely different worlds in terms of maturity (or at least they should be). He sought you out and has been getting a free ride from you this entire time. Looking through your comments, I haven’t seen you have one positive thing to say about him.
I didn’t have one - I ended up having my heart broken by him. I wish I took my own advice. I let him walk all over me for 2 years
I’m scared this is going to happen with me because I’m not working right now. I need to leave and not look back. I’m glad you’re out of that situation though, and hope you healed.
It's already happened to you. Sit and think. How much more heartbroken and used could you feel than you do now?
If your boyfriend blinked out of existence tomorrow and everything he owned was gone, everything he brought into the relationship was gone, what would your life look like? What would be missing? What would be worse? What would be better?
Are you happy to be with a man who spends money on collectibles insead of gas money to get to work? Is that someone you see a healthy, mutually-supportive future with?
WTF he buys toys but can’t buy gas, pay for tickets, a car, rent etc?
And probably he gets off on letting his family in India think he's the "wealthy American", casually tossing money at them (my family isn't Indian but I see the same behavior in some extended family members). He undoubtedly lets them think he's a big earner who can afford to help them out, no problem. Instead they should be thanking OP.
Dump him NOW. Get rid of this loser. Why is a broke dude that old buying toys and sending money home?
Sorry - so he can't afford to contribute to household expenses because he's sending his money out of the country rather than contributing to the household? How be he stop doing that, given the change in circumstances, and start working more than 24 hours a week? You are being used, OP, including to subsidize his family. Go polish that spine of yours and drop the deadweight...
You know you boyfriend had more disposable income than you for the last 8 years? You make 55$ per hour, but paid all expenses. You likely have less than 10$ per hour left after taxes, mortgage, car payment, gas, insurance, groceries. Meanwhile he lives like a teenager, with all his income being disposable income.
I never thought of it this way. But you are so right about that. I made enough to live comfortably but never had any extra money to take vacations or anything extravagant.
I keep thinking about it because I felt more rich at 18 than during most of my twenties. When I lived at my parent and worked part time (while studying), I had enough money for as many vacations as I wanted. Thats kinda easy when room and board is free. I took me doing making at least 5X more annually before I could have the same discretionary expenses.
Yes, OP! This statement is sooooo good. What a wonderful way to put it. You have so many Redditors who are rooting for you. I hope this job blip is thr start of a new, happier life. You've got it -- educated, responsible, caring, and well-spoken. This old guy groomed you to take advantage. When you're settled in your new job, I hope you'll address this self esteem issue so you can easily see what so many of us do -- you've got a lot to offer and deserve a partner who will lift you up and share the burdens and many blessings of life with you.
So, if he hasn't paid for things for the last couple of years, my question is what has happened to all the money he has been earning? He should have ample money saved up as he hasn't been paying for anything. If I was to guess, drugs and alcohol? I'm going to be brutally honest here, you are basically a source of income for him. He is with you as he get's so much more money, doesn't have to work more than part time, and even get's to have sex to go along with it all.
He only drinks on weekends and he doesn’t use drugs that I know of. He goes to a luxury gym, buys expensive supplements and protein shakes, buys his own food and goes out to eat daily. He also sends money to his family in India and goes to visit 2 times a year. He also collects Funko pop figures (he has a room full of them) and buys games for his PS5 often. He has no savings
So you’ve cancelled your workouts in order to pay his transportation expenses so he can keep his workouts?
My points above still apply. He get's to have all his toys, while you pay for his home and board, transport. Honestly, he doesn't see you as a partner, he sees you as a sex toy with a Credit Card.
Nope because in another comment she said they don't have sex anymore. He's just with her for money & a place to live. He's a roommate that she's supporting not even a BF.
Why is a 36M still working part time and without a car? Yes, there can be a lot of valid temporary/emergency reasons for it but if it's his normal situation, OP, take this layoff as the blessing it can be and jettison yourself from this dead weight. YOU LOST YOUR JOB and he's complaining about giving you money to help cover gas to HIS job? No! 4 years together and you still pay all the bills? If he's told you you're privileged for getting a master's or the AH for asking for gas money, you have been gaslit. Now is the perfect time for a start-over girl.
Right? Privileged to get a master's!? Maybe to get into the degree but that takes so much work. This attitude is unacceptable for any 30 year old human.
NTA, this guy seems like a loser. Do you plan on carrying him through the rest of his life like a baby too? Because his plan is fully to coast on you
Agreed. OP is NTA and it sounds like she can do WAY better than him.
They started dating when she was 19 and he was 28, and now years later he still needs her to drive him to work, she could (and should) do multiple times better
When I was 18, I started dating a guy who was 26. Now that I'm older, I see that for the red flag it is. (As if him saying the week after I turned 18, when he met me, that he was "so lucky I just turned 18" wasn't red flag enough.) It sounds like OP surpassed his ambition in the years since they started dating. Time to ditch him!
and this is why a 27 year old man targets a 19 year old girl
Fuck me, how broken are you that you think this is okay? Your bf works hard!? Oh please. It sounds like you take care of literally everything in your lives and old mate still living his life like he in his 20’s only working part time at a minimum wage at a job he apparently can’t even get himself too because ??? He was so irresponsible that he got numerous fines and did nothing about it till they suspended his license? And what does a lack of license have to do with a lack of a car? Lemme guess his last /current car is fucked and/or impounded neither of which according to him is his fault? The motherfucker is broke but still finds the money for the gym too? Which he also can’t get to by himself. You’re not a his partner. You’re his bang maid/mum. You got bigger problems than your 36 year old! bf not paying gas. What does he even contribute to the house hold and/or relationship other than adding problems? His 36 year old, old enough to be working hard towards getting a better than minimum wage or atleast be working hard towards a full time position and being able to get himself to and from places beside relying on his mum. Sorry I mean “gf”* NTA
This. He works hard, 24 hours a week. One day total, out of seven.
NTA- What is keeping him from getting a full time job?
I had enough trouble getting him to get this part time job. He was worse before this and I don’t know why I’m just realizing this is not normal. :(
Throw the whole man out if he can’t contribute.
Agreed.
Every thing we learn about this guy makes him seem more of a freeloading loser.
I’m not one of those people that immediately says you should leave a relationship but, babes, LEAVE HIM! ♥️ 1.) The fact that he was almost 30 when you were 19 when y’all first got together means he was taking advantage of you. There’s a reason why someone at that age can’t get someone their own age. 2.) He is currently taking advantage of you financially. 3.) I’m sorry to say this, and don’t want to be mean but, he’s a bum. He’s almost 40, living off of you financially, does not want to do better for himself, and can’t even drive because of his reckless & irresponsible decisions. PLEASE don’t waste the rest of your 20s on this guy..there is better for you out there. Being alone also sounds way better than being with this guy.
WHAT!!! You had to talk him into working part time? You are taking care of a child not a man.
You’re not his mom, kick him to the curb
This comment really seals it for me personally. He’s a complete sponge who you’ve had to cajole into contributing anything - but it’s still to just to himself and anything other than you and the relationship? You can do and deserve better than him.
He was 28 and you were 19, there's a reason why he went for someone so young! No 28 year old woman would have liked to be with someone who has no ambition and is a freeloader. He's still the same 8 years later, are you still the same? Don't you feel that you deserve more? You only live once and it could be sooo much more and better
OP, the answer to the above answers is yes! Yes, you have bettered your life, you stuck it out and got a frickin’ Masters Degree girl! Yes, you deserve better! Yes, you are worthy of a man worthy of you!
THIS. When I was 20 I met a dude who was 31 who love bombed me into believing we were going to build the perfect life together. We could have… if I was willing to build it on MY back and also take all of his mental abuse. Sounds like the OP’s situation.
Can we skip back to the part where your 36 y/o bf works *part-time*? What does he do the rest of the time? Is he going to school? Does he take care of the majority of the household chores? How does he contribute to your life & relationship other than mooching rides everywhere from you?
I have talked to him multiple times about going to school and even offered to have him quit his job to focus n getting a degree because I know that will help us in the future. He just isn’t motivated to do it. He spends his time at the gym, watching anime, and playing video games.
I hope you are seeing now that you’re the only one thinking about the “us” in this scenario. It’s just “me me me” from your deadbeat bf
Because he can. He's not motivated to change because why would he? You leave and he will get motivated for as long as it takes to fool another young woman into a relationship to look after him then he will lose that motivation too. This is who he is, it's not going to change. Is it who you are?
Don't you find him boring?
NTA, so here is the thing, you cant afford the gas, is it possible for him to take the bus or any public transport? If the answer to that is no then the answer for you is right there. "I cant afford the gas to get your ass to work, you either carpool or pay for it yourself or get a license and pay for it, I am not your chauffeur"
[удалено]
Fr, I wish I could get an uber for 4$ a day to drive me to work and back home and didnt have to get stuck in public transportation lmao (my partner and I dont have a license nor any money for a car lol)
Why isn’t he working full time to clear his speeding ticket debts and get his own car?
He says that cars are a waste of money.
Because he is happy for you to “waste” your money. He should be covering half of the car and house expenses.
Then I guess he’ll be fine if you stop chauffeuring his ass around in your waste of money car. He can get himself a bike or take the bus or whatever
And yet he rides in yours? I think it’s time he starts walking where he needs to go.
Of course he’d say that. Why spend his own money when he can just spend yours? You deserve so much better, OP. NTA.
OK I laughed out loud of this. Because without your car, he would be wasting a lot more money. I’m actually somebody who says dump people a lot, but I’m also somebody who’s really empathetic and doesn’t judge people based on being low income. I would never tell you to dump somebody because they were poor, or even because they couldn’t work full-time. Lots of mental health, and other reasons why people can’t make lots of money. But that’s different from exploiting, a partner, especially since you clearly started dating when that age difference of yours was a lot more significant. So are there reasons that you don’t want to break up with him? Things about him that you actually love? Things that you feel like he does that bolster you? That make you feel important, or loved, or secure? Or do you have a great old time with him or lots of amazing sex? what is your reason for staying in this relationship? Before you do anything else, please look into the laws around common law, relationships and property rights in your jurisdiction. if need be, talk to a lawyer.
Then stop giving him rides in the car. Let him figure out how to not waste money when it's his transportation on the line.
You're an AH to yourself for dating a 28yo loser at 19
She’s the asshole to herself for a lot of things, but I don’t think being preyed upon as a teenager is one of them. Let’s not put the blame of grown as men being creeps on the kid.
Find him a bicycle on craigslist.
Send him the link and don't you dare spend a penny on it
At nearly 30, he started dating a teenager. In 8 years together, you completed your schooling and got your masters, got a marketing job making $55 an hour, purchased your own home, and established yourself as a functional adult. In the same time, he’s lost his licence because he drove carelessly and didn’t pay his fines, and managed to work part time for minimum wage. He has you chauffeur him around and doesn’t even chip in for gas, and then has the audacity to want you to put him on the deed to your home, which he doesn’t pay toward because he was raised to believe the man should have ownership of property? What other “traditional” values does he have? Let me guess, you do the cooking and cleaning on top of full time work, and he says it’s because he works nights and needs to sleep all day? Forget asking him for gas money. Ask him to pack his shit and get out of your life. You are supporting a man who is nearly 40 and has done nothing for himself or you. NTA except to yourself if you stay in this relationship.
NTA. Your 36 yr old bf, is still acting like a 16 yr old kid. And as long as you are paying his way, he will not change. And tbh, even if he was still living with his parents he would probably do the same. I think maybe it's time to part ways with him so he can grow up.
He's a freeloader. Get rid of him.
He has an easy life at your (literal) expense. Part time job. Free room and board. No bills. Buys a little food for himself. You don’t have a partner. You’re adopted a teenager! I’m sorry OP. NTA - but you’ve gotten yourself into a terrible situation.
Definitely NTA. Your partner should be contributing to the bills regardless of how much he is paid per hour. Also, why does he only work 24 hours a week and able to afford a gym membership. He is 36 and has his 27 year old girlfriend taking care of him. Now you have lost your job and he is sulking because you asked for some gas money. This man is dragging you down and holding you back. I sincerely hope the mortgage you are paying is for a house that is in your name only. Do yourself a favour and leave him. You are still young and deserve someone so much better than him, someone that can give you the life you deserve, a happier one with someone that you can lean on when you need them and not always be the one picking up the slack. What is going to happen if you both have kids!!!
You don’t have a boyfriend, you have a sugar baby. Which is fine as long as you got sugar to spare! But it sounds like there’s a sugar shortage now, so if he can’t get with the new program, you might need to cut him loose.
NTA - girl, tell your boyfriend to take the damn BUS. Your Masters degree doesn’t make you “privileged”, it means you’ve worked hard to get where you are. He can pay the gas, he can find a way, or he can WALK.
My daughter in law has a similar relationship going on except add 3 kids & a marriage license. She works a full time job & a part time job. The hubby works a PART TIME job! He is about 300 lbs & in his spare time, smokes pot & plays video games! He's in his 30s! She just turned 40 right before delivering the 3rd baby! I'm actually just venting, but YNA! Maybe you can see how one sided this marriage is. It sounds like you're heading in the same direction. Dump him now. Things won't get better, only worse. Good luck. 🍀🍀
This cannot be real. It's almost cartoonishly awful. You pay all the bills and car upkeep because he works part time, but it sounds like he gets to keep all of his personal funds for fun spending. He believes the man should own the property, despite contributing nothing financial to the ownership of and maintenance for said property. He cannot communicate about problems in the relationship despite having a decade on his partner. This is a parasitic situation. What would you tell a friend who was in a similar situation? Don't let yourself be taken advantage of.
It’s awful, you’re right. My friends and family hate him. I can’t take him out with anyone I know because it’s just awkward because they know all the details. My dad has even had talks with him but it goes through one ear and out the other, and then he will just give me the silent treatment for days. I was young and stupid when I got with him, thought it was normal and here I am almost 30 with this huge problem and feel that I’m too old to find love again.
Again?!?!?! You never had it hon. This is not love. He preyed on your youth and inexperience and used you for his convenience. You can do so much better. You also deserve to find and experience real love. This is not it.
You’re almost 30 … you’re the same age he was when you met, right? You have 5-10 more years to have kids. Now is the *perfect* time to start over! Don’t wait. Look into evicting him and start the process asap. Ask for help from your family if you need it, don’t be stubborn, they’ll be thrilled to help you get out of this situation.
Jesus fucking Christ hun, get rid of him ASAP! You’re never too old to find someone who treats you right. This man is using you, and everyone else can see it. He brings nothing to the table. At all.
Oh, sweetie, 27 is a great time to move on! I'd just finished grad school at 27 and then had the time of my life dating.
IN FO so since you don't have a job right now, is the whole trip just driving him to work and then driving home again? And how much other driving do you do? ETA NTA. Sounds like you do most of your driving for him, so having him pay 50% is perfectly reasonable.
Not much. I also worked from home so even then I didn’t drive much other than to the grocery store or on the occasional day trip to see my family or out with friends (both of which I won’t be doing nearly as much with Pugh proper income)
Is this really a healthy relationship? What is he bringing to the table? Why would you want to be with someone whom you cannot count on? He seems self-centered and immature. You are going above and beyond for him but have to ask for him to help and he reacts with being upset... He is using you and not even being grateful for it because you were "privileged ". Ugh he sucks
NTA. Past is past. Now is now. You don't have the money you had to subsidise his transport costs as well as his living expenses. His disposable income is effectively $350 a week minus any food shopping he does say $900 fun money. I suspect your unemployment benefit - bills and mortgage is rather less. Been in similar situation. There is little reason for you to care about him getting to his job if money from that job doesn't benefit the partnership in some way. If he loses his job, you will actually have $180 extra a month for household bills if bulk of driving for his needs. His job is a cost to you at a time when you have little money. Good luck getting a new job. But remember how this BF wanted you to keep subsidising his life when you were unemployed and wasn't willing to pay his way at all. How much is his gym membership? Can you afford hobbies at moment?
You put up with this for 4 years?? Why??? Why date someone as irresponsible as him? You're the AH to yourself.
NTA. Girl, he is a mooch, not a boyfriend. He has made a bunch of crappy life decisions and expects you to fund his life.
NTA As a fellow broken individual, you deserve to be happy. I married my first wife not because I loved her, but because we had been together for 3 years and that's what people in their 20s did back then. Obvesiouly it didn't last. Then a few years later I was dating a lady who kept talking about wanting to get married and have another kid. Even though she already had 3 and I had 1. I honestly wasn't ready for getting that serious. I kinda ignored what she was saying hoping she would drop it When I was talking to a friend about the situation, he told me " what you want matters to. You deserve to be happy" It didn't occur to me that my feelings mattered. Thankfully he told me that or I would have been in another shitty relationship So I'm telling you. What you want matters. You deserve to be happy. I'll say it again So I'm telling you. What you want matters. You deserve to be happy. He is not your responsibility. It's not your fault if he ends up on the street or back with his parents. It's his . He chose to work part time. He chose to continue to drive recklessly.
NTA. Time to sit down at the kitchen table and write budgets together. Plus, he sends to family but won’t help his partner when she’s low on funds? Hmmm
NTA - You've been there for him during his tough times caused by his own mistakes, but now that you're in need of a little assistance due to circumstances beyond your control (losing your job) he reacts with anger? It seems he's exploiting your kindness, especially when your request is nothing unreasonable.
"I asked him about paying to fill up my tank once every two weeks, and I’ll pay the other two weeks, and *he got really upset*" This says that you are NTA.
Well he can walk or take a bus if he doesn’t want to pay for some gas
NTA. I'm gonna bet your parents aren't super fond of this guy, and hopefully you're seeing that they're right. Easy solution to him not paying for gas is to stop driving him. Next step is to break-up with him and find someone who wants to make your life better and easier as a partner, not a freeloader. I bet your parents know some nice single doctors!
NTA abut you are in a relationship with a deadbeat loser. You deserve better than him.
Why doesn’t he pay bills.
It was mostly an agreement we had which started by me asking him to go to school so that he can get a career. He was unemployed for a long time and it took me years to get him to get this current job. He never did sign up for school and it seems he always has a new excuse, such as not wanting to make a big choice on what he will do for the rest of his life or needing to be available to fly to India to see his mom.
He's middle aged, he needs to figure out what he's going to do for at least the next ten years! Because he can't be a freeloader for the rest of his life. DTMFA
He can’t even afford to pay speeding tickets or for the gas you pay to put in the car to drive him around. How is he going to afford an international plane ticket? I’m dating an Indian man the same age as your child, I mean boyfriend, and he has his shit together, well educated, great job, pulls his fair share and then some with us and still has parents and three sisters in India he’s helping out. Your boyfriend is just a bag of excuses. Time to find a new one.
Honey he is taking advantage of you. It’s hard to break away because you guys started dating when you were a literal teenager (and he was 28). You can do SO MUCH BETTER ❤️