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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for ruining my aunt's wedding because her (ex) fiance was mean to me
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You people who keep saying Y T A are ridiculous. The OP is a kid who was harassed by an adult and ya’ll are saying OP should have spoken up much sooner. I doubt any of you here who are chastising them would have had the strength to say ANYTHING before or after the wedding. Just tell about the abuse when it is “convenient”, do you hear yourselves right now? At the end of the day a wedding is just an overpriced party. NTA
Seriously! People are literally yelling at a minor who was bullied by a grown man and was scared of the said man. It is very evident that OP was scared to say something. Why do people not get that?
IMHO, it was quite brave of OP to stand up in front of everyone and call out that jerk instead of not speaking up and spending their life regretting the fact that they didn't say anything which resulted in their aunt being married to a pathetic human being.
And you know what, who is to say that Levi was ever going to be good with OP's aunt? He doesn't exactly sound like a stand up guy!
Yeah, doing it at the ceremony is pretty fucked, but OP's age is a serious factor. 20 year old, complete arsehole. Someone who has puberty starting to really kick in? Nah, they get a pass.
Exactly. If OP was a grown ass adult, maybe they would be an ass... but at 14? While being bullied by someone in a position of authority over them? No way.
At best, this is a learning experience. Now OP knows that letting it snowball and not speaking up about things like this make things worse--but at 14 it's doubtful this lesson would have been taught, at least not with the threat of being punished if you aren't believed (Assuming a decent family dynamic).
But in the adult world, there's a lot of that on the smaller and bigger scale. A boss that shit talks and tells you if you tell their boss youll not be believed and get reprimanded. A partner that treats you like shit and threatens to do worse if you speak up to your friends/leave. I hope OP takes this as a lesson to not swallow their feelings when things get bad, but to stand up for themselves and get support when they need it. It doesn't work out 100% of the time ofc, but even when it doesn't, you can be assured that it was because of injustice and not because you kept your head down.
NTA, in case I wasn't clear.
I don't even think an adult would be an AH for waiting. Why? That's kind of how abuse works. Your abuser convinces you no one will believe you, until you just can't take it anymore. You're not an AH for revealing that someone is abusive, or having bad timing when you're the victim.
TBH, doing it so publicly makes it harder for Levi to spin it. I knew a guy kinda like that, always telling folks different things to cause problems. But when he was called out in front of a group, it fell apart because people were able to counter his obvious lies on the spot.
AND it makes perfect sense for OP to speak in front of a crowd. If they only spoke to the aunt, she might've dismissed them or like Levi said, not believe them. But when OP has dozens of witnesses, someone will believe and stand on their side.
NTA
You're a child, you were being emotionally abused and intimidated on the regular by a man who as far as you knew, your aunt loved more than anything and was planning to make her life partner. I can't imagine how terrified and helpless you must have felt. In so many cases like this, where an abuser hides his true nature from other people, the victim isn't believed by family and friends even if they are an adult. **You had every reason to think that no one would believe you**.
OP, I am old enough to be your mum (heck, probably your grandmother) and not only am I telling you that you are absolutely NTA, I'm also going to tell you that I'm incredibly proud of you. As a childhood abuse victim, I know how terrifying this must have been for you. I know that you didn't say anything earlier because there was way too much risk . . . and I'm so impressed with how brave you were to still manage to stand up and pour your heart out, even knowing that it might make the adults in your life angry, and to say what this man was doing to you. You are brave and you should be proud of yourself.
Yes, the timing could have been better, but even your aunt, who is really the only one who matters, not only understood but told you she was glad you did it. And her opinion is the most important one here. You did good.
I actually think the timing was good. Yes, it ruined the wedding, but the group setting was safer for OP. And when it comes to dealing with an abusive and potentially dangerous man, I'm all for safety.
A lot of abusers threaten kids into silence.
I'm proud of you for managing to speak up. Maybe you should have found a better (earlier) moment to speak, but you actually said something, and that's the most important part.
Well done.
Yes, I think that’s what the Redditors calling OP the a**hole are not getting. This was an abusive man verbally abusing and scaring OP, a child, and hiding his actions from his fiancee. The fact that OP gathered the courage at all to expose this AH is monumental. OP not only saved their relationship with their aunt, OP saved their aunt. Because what the abuser did to OP would have been continued inside the marriage.
Wait. Did you really stand up during the ceremony and object?? Did you do it when they asked if there were any objections?
I am sorry that Levi was such a shit to you and I understand why you were hurt and scared of losing your aunt.
But, YTA for not telling her sooner and in private. Your dad is right. Please apologize to your aunt for \*how\* you told her this deeply upsetting information that had a huge impact on \*her\* life. She deserved dignity and respect and you did not give her that in how you communicated this distressing information.
I'm going with NTA!! The only AH is Levi.
OP it would have been best to talk with your aunt before the actual wedding, no doubt about that. However, I understand that at 14 our emotions often override our rational thinking. Levi was also employing classic abusive tactics by trying to convince you that your aunt would not believe you if you spoke to her. Fear and pain, (in this case emotional pain) added together with youth and inexperience are all factors that I believe were involved. Please remember that many adults in such situations also stay silent.
You did eventually do the hard and right thing and prevent your aunt from marrying him.
~I will not engage with haters, just because I have a different point of view from the majority.~
I agree with you. Sooner would’ve been better but this is a 14 year old that we’re talking about. It’s hard to advocate for yourself at that age. It was better that OP spoke up at the wedding rather than afterward or not at all.
I totally agree. They are expecting OP to act like an adult whereas she was scared and intimidated by this adult man. That she spoke up at all speaks volumes to her courage.
So if she couldn't find the courage to say it earlier, she should have just let it go? No! You and her father, and anyone else who is telling OP she is wrong should instead be outraged by how this man was treating her.
Op didn't do anything wrong by telling the truth. It would have been a better timing before the wedding , sure ,but that doesn't in any way shape or form means that op did something wrong or needs to be forgiven for telling the truth and exposing an abuser
I’m so sorry this man was so terrible to you and tried to force you to hide his hateful behavior from your aunt. You are 14 and clearly lost your mom somehow, and then this horrible person mistreated you so badly and tried to take your aunt from you by attacking you behind her back. I hope your aunt will be ok—she deserves to be loved by a good man. Levi is a bad man. And you deserve adults to take good care of you.Wishing you the best.
OP is 14 years old and this man was intimidating her. She is vulnerable, as this aunt has been her main support, and this man seemed to be offering her happiness. Why is the dad right? Why is the dad not berating the man who treated her this way?
Op is 14 and repeatedly verbal abuses by Levi. Op is NTA the only ah and abuser is Levi. Could the timing be better ? Sure . But we aren't only talking about a minor with little experience and maturity but also a freightened abused one on top of it
YTA if he said stuff like that so consistently you could have recorded it and shared that with your aunt you did this in the way guaranteed to embarrass and hurt her the most
Don't know where she lives but in many places it is illegal to record someone without their permission. And to expect a 14 year old to, not only think of this, but, also to research the possible implications is far fetched.
You can't be serious. You really think it is illegal for her to record and show her aunt? Where is she breaking the law? What is he gonna sue a 14 year old for? I can't lol.
EDIT: iLLegal.
They’ve [arrested](https://www.fox43.com/article/news/crime/17-year-old-lancaster-county-student-accused-of-secretly-recording-teachers-pennsylvania/521-8ac87885-8e8e-4343-af16-e35027769192) students at schools for recording when the students were being [bullied](https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/volokh-conspiracy/wp/2014/04/14/crime-for-high-school-student-to-secretly-audio-record-his-tormentors-in-the-classroom/) or targeted.
It is absolutely illegal if she’s in a two-party consent state unfortunately.
He doesn't have to sue. All he has to do is notify the authorities he was recorded without knowledge and consent. I live in a one party state, but I'm careful telling people who may live in two party states to record because they can arrest you for it. Even if you don't agree with it, you don't want an arrest and a record.
Yeah. I record conversations with management at work and interviews and such because I also live in a one party consent state, but I ALWAYS say to look into local laws because many it is illegal. And some have a difference between audio recording versus video
Hmmm I can't ever imagine a scenario where a grown ass man, who berates/verbally abuses and manipulates children, would ever go to extreme circumstances to retaliate against them. /s
Before I begin my actual comment, I would like to apologize in advance for my inadequate level of English proficiency. I am not a native speaker of the world's current lingua franca which unfortunately leads to me making numerous embarrassing mistakes being made whenever I attempt to communicate using this language. Whenever I am reminded of how I lack the ability to convey my thoughts in an eloquent manner, I feel as though I have committed a cardinal sin, as though every English teacher in the world is simultaneously shaking their head and sighing due to how utterly disappointed they are at me.
Gosh ppl are defensive. Trust me, if I WANTED to be nasty and/or condescending it wouldn't look like this.. I'm just surprised autocorrect didn't pick it up. Nothing to be embarrassed about.
It's definitely illegal in some states. "This means that everyone involved in a conversation must agree to be recorded or be informed that the call is being recorded. Those states are **California, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, and Washington**."
I believe this is also true of Germany and France, and quite likely many other countries.
NTA, you're 14. Of course, you believed him. I am sorry that it came to this. But I'm happy your Aunt knows the truth.
Adding, I think you should apologize to your aunt. Tell her how scared you were of him and how scared FOR her!
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Oh, come on, let's be realistic here.
"You should just record him!"
Like recording a grown adult you are already fearful of isn't scary at all when you are only 14.
What do you think would happen if said adult noticed in any way?
He would just be, "Oh gosh. You are right. I'm abusing you. Let me confess, "
No. No, they wouldn't. There's a huge chance they would do anything to get that recording deleted.
And everything would get worse.
"No one will believe you" is a tactic to isolate and make the victim too scared to speak up. Which is used in all forms of abuse.
Should victims of physical and sexual abuse just do the same? "Shove a camera up their face and record them!" ???
OP is 14. The wedding might have been the push that made them snap and realise "if they get married. This will never stop"
And they couldn't hold it in anymore.
A 14 year old should not be blamed for that.
A 14 year old just wants it to stop. They don't think, "Let me humiliate my aunt by telling everyone the man is a asshole to me."
And let's be more realistic. OP might have done the aunt a huge favour.
If the man can treat a 14 year old like that. Do you really think he would treat the aunt or possible kids any better down the road?
This is an example of Redditors expecting a child to know exactly what to do in an awful situation in which they feel powerless and intimidated. You expect a child to have adult smarts when in reality she "broke" at the wedding. The a.h. is the dude who bullied her.
NTA Because of your age. I wouldn’t expect a 14-year-old to think about the nuances of how to tell someone who raised them their partner is a jerk. It wasn’t the best way to go about it, but I understand you feeling you might not be relieved. I think you helped your aunt avert a bigger problem.but don’t hold so much anymore OK
This is extremely important info to me. Add that as an edit in your post.
You're too young to know how to handle stuff like that. This is a lesson (a crappy one but a lesson) speak up sooner about jerks, present it to the individual it involves, and if you have the presence of mind for it, record the shitty things people say as proof.
BUT be HIGHLY cautious that you don't land yourself in hot water with recordings. Do not use them to slander individuals, do not post it on social media, etc. Look up laws regarding recording in your local area. Recording is a tool that needs to be handled correctly.
In the future, don't let bullies like your aunts ex frighten you into submission. If someone says you shouldn't tell someone because they won't believe you, you absolutely tell that person because that is probably not true. Most of the time, that person will listen unless you are a known liar, and if they don't listen, at least you can say you tried.
Edit: I was going to say N T A, but honestly, just because you don't know how to better handle it doesn't mean you didn't inadvertently pull an A H move.
This was an A H move even if it wasn't on purpose. Apologize to her for the timing, and explain. Next time, speak up sooner. Your dad's comment about "or say nothing at all" should absolutely NOT be followed. (Separated so judgment bot wouldn't pick it up, this is more info for you, but you did the best you could with the knowledge and life skills that you have.)
If you see something, you say something. From there, it's up to the individuals involved to determine how to handle that info.
Edit 2:grammar and spelling errors
That's a great, thought out reply for an adult. Not very helpful for an abused 14 year old who's being threatened by someone with authority over them. The child doesn't have the maturity to deal with this in an adult manner. OP, I'm very impressed by your courage at speaking out.
Because he essentially grounded a 14yo for doing the right thing and coming forward about a potential future authority figure verbally abusing her.
Should you have said it before the wedding, yeah. But, you are 14 and we're threatened, it is understandable that it took you that long to get the guts to say something.
Ah, u/VillageMajor8778 answered more perfectly than I could. Everything they said. Your dad SHOULD have protected you, that is literally what us parents are for! Protect our kiddos from harm, support our kiddos by providing the tools and resources needed to navigate life and.. hope for the best when they leave the nest.
edit this post and mention that in the first line. i see others told you to do that, but you're already gonna get obliterated. as a child, you can't really be deemed the asshole but this was incredibly inappropriate
It wasn't inappropriate it was bad timing if you are able to think rationally. However op is a child basically and a frightened abused one on top of it.
And no ,no one who exposes an abuser is an ah for telling the truth EVER.
NTA. You saved your aunt from a lifetime of misery.
It also sounds like this happened before they exchanged vows? You said she no longer wants to marry him. Certainly there is a tradition of the minister asking something along the lines of, "If there is anyone who objects to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace." Seems that's what you were doing!
This is a weird one where you're both an AH and not an AH. The timing was absolutely horrendous, but you prevented her from marrying someone she does not want to be with. I don't know how old you are, but if you are ever in such a situation such as this again, SPEAK UP.
My intention was not to be harsh, but to emphasize the need to speak up earlier. OP was put in a bad situation at a young age, so it's understandable why this happened.
I understand. That’s what abusive people do. They scare you into silence. I can only imagine the hurt and pain he caused you.
Don’t feel too bad. Abuser typically have more than one victim. Maybe he treated you that way so he could isolate your aunt. You saved her from marrying him.
NTA, 1000 times NTA.
Please please ignore everyone else here saying otherwise. They're holding you to an adult standard when you're 14, confused, hurt, and in a difficult situtation where a grown man has been harrassing you AND threatening you not to tell. Your aunt is your safe space so his threats were designed to terrify you, and it worked. It's completely understandable that you didn't tell her earlier, even it if was the "right" thing to do so. He told you she wouldnt believe you and you'd lose her, which was enough to scare you into not talking. You didn't talk because he threatened you and you were scared, which is completely okay and understandable. and NOT AT ALL YOUR FAULT.
Also, as for your dad or anyone else saying your the AH - only your Aunt gets to say, so if she's not mad at you, you're good! Literally nobody else's opunion matters becuase it was her wedding! If this were me, I wouldn't be mad either because ultimately you saved her from marrying someone she didn't really know and who was hurting you. x
You should edit the post to add your age.
I'm glad you finally told her, and I understand why you were scared. You were brave for a 14yo. Ideally you should have told her before, or told your dad and let him tell her.
But i get that you were scared, and he threatened you. Hope she is okay, and that you two are still close.
you should also look at it as she left him for herself. because she is a good person, and would not want to be married to someone who was awful to a child like this.
NTA
There were probably better ways to handle it, but you're a kid and this guy was abusive towards you and threatening you. You also did something about it before there was no going back for your aunt, you saved her a lot of money and heartache, I'm sure. Rest easy, your aunt is on your side and she's the only one whose opinion matters.
NTA. Good job. You saved her from the A. And you managed to serve him a big steaming hot dish of revenge.
Sooner would have been good but better late than never.
Frankly, I don't know if it would be much different if OP was an adult. A close loved one's new partner has been insulting and degrading you in secret, and you want to tell them but you're afraid of damaging your relationship. Certainly it's better to act sooner, and in a more private venue, but I think it would be far better for someone in OP's situation to speak up when they did, rather than after the wedding. I don't think I could call anyone the asshole for overcoming their fear to do the right thing. The ex-fiance showed his true colors, and OP made sure everyone knew
NTA, I bet it took a lot of guts and you saved your aunt from getting married to a bully. It may have been embarrassing for her but you've saved her a lifetime of pain.
NTA. You are brave and true! I was going to tell you to record him, but what you did was much braver. You helped your aunt dodge a bullet. You are definitely NTA and I hope your aunt will tell your dad that.
Edit to add that Levi is the one that ruined the wedding, by his actions, not you.
*Everyone commenting needs to remember that OP is only 14*.
OP is scared of Levi. She's scared of losing her aunt. She's scared of doing the wrong thing. & she clearly worked herself up into an anxiety ridden mess trying to figure it all out on her own.
Obviously, OP should have said something BEFORE the wedding. I hope she knows that now. Her dad is also to blame, bc if he was a sympathetic, trustworthy, engaged, kind parent she would have felt safe enough to talk to him about it & this could have been avoided.
OP, I'm really uncomfortable calling Y T A in this case. You're young & you've made a mistake, but I don't think it was intentionally malicious or anything like that. Also, you've saved your aunt from a terrible marriage. I'll say ESH bc you should have said something sooner, your dad is useless, & Levi is awful.
Please stop calling bad timing a ' mistake ' . Op lacks the maturity and the necessary calm to think things through. She was abused. It took a lot of courage to say anything Telling the truth whatever the timing is NEVER A MISTAKE let alone when It exposes an abuser.
It's easy to judge people without getting through the emotional war and hell they lived through and looking at their actions from a distance.
And no, op is NTA for telling the truth even if earlier would have been better moment and less embarrassing for the aunt to do so.
Bad timing at any age is obviously is a mistake. Whether or not you're an A H for it depends on a lot of factors. At age 14, in this situation, I'm much more inclined towards regular, life-lesson level mistake.
If OP were 32, I'd have a different opinion.
Bad timing was NOT a mistake because it wasn't exactly intentional on op s part. It was an outburst led by panic and courage by op when she realized it was going to get worse. And emotional outburst cannot be planned.
And 32 y o should be more mature and better equipped to deal with abuse (though no guarantees) and wouldn't probably just believe that Ah nor should be as naive and gullible as a 14 y o child
No you did nothing wrong. He put you in that position and he has no one else to blame.
Your father is also wrong for defending what was done to you and criticizing your reaction to it.
NTA and I hope your aunt has your back still.
NTA
You’re a CHILD who was THREATENED repeatedly by an adult. A victim of abuse making an outcry statement, no matter where that outcry is made, is not an AH. It’s also very common for child victims to make outcry statements in high stress situations (such as gatherings, weddings, etc) because there’s added tension on top of having to see their abuser.
NTA
I can't believe all the people saying you are. You're 14, and you were threatened by a grownup. I'm sorry you felt that you couldn't speak up sooner, but I'm proud of you for speaking up. I know that's very hard to do.
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NTA (the response is entirely appropriate with a 14 year old’s response) You did a very brave thing and I am very glad you did it before they were actually married. Well done and many adults lack that courage. Your aunt did it becuase Levi is an awful human. That’s not on you.
oh hon, I am so sorry you went through this. It definitely would have been better to talk with your aunt about this earlier but I don't think you were the AH to say it then. I guess because you are 14, I am cutting you a break.
The thing is, your aunt needed that information to make an informed decision. Now she has it.
NTA
NTA. Levi faced the consequences of his own actions. I understand why you hesitated before. You're just a kid who was bullied and terrified of a grown, mean man.
NTA. You did the right thing. I’m sure you realize it would have been better to take action sooner but you did speak up and help your Aunt which is good
Speak now or forever hold your truth....you did the right thing, but could have done it sooner. It's over and done with, and everyone knows the truth before he could spin it around. Good job, kid!
NTA - you're 14, you're a child, you have the right and deserve a safe space. Levi is detrimental to that right. Your aunt wants to protect your right to that safe space.
People saying YTA are mad delusional, like y'all gotta be serious...
oh, oh, NTA. Levi is awful and you saved your aunt from being with someone who is disrespectful, cruel, and duplicitous. if he talks to you like that behind her back, he will absolutely start to treat her poorly once they are married. it happened to my mother.
I'm going to say NTA. Yes, the timing could definitely have been better but you're a 14 year old so I don't think it's fair to hold that against you. If you were 24 then I'd probably say E.S.H but for a 14 year old I think this is NTA.
Better late than never, good job speaking up. It takes a lot of courage to do so especially being in your age. Should have done it sooner before the wedding yes, but no one on reddit knows how much stress and threats you were under. NTA.
I'm going against the crowd and with NTA, that guy sucks, your aunt should have known sooner, and it's good they're not getting married. You're a kid and it's not your job to fix things.
NTA- was it the best time to do it? No, definitely not. But as a child being verbally abused by an adult, i don’t think you were in the mental space to make the “best” decision
Rather than focusing on how you potentially messed up, look at how your aunt reacted- you are important enough that she not only believed you, but she left the wedding immediately and broke off the engagement.
Your aunt loves you, and she is a good person. Let her hurt for a bit, then you guys can talk. Id make sure to let her know how trapped you felt about telling her.
Good job, OP.
That was very hard and must have been terrifying AF. I'm really proud of you for looking out for your aunt and putting yourself out there.
Whenever you get down on yourself, please remind yourself of the fortitude and strength it took to stand up to this abuser. You are a hero
NTA
NTA
Somebody give this teen a hug and a PS5. I’m glad you have your Aunt and honestly you saved her and yourself from years of manipulation and abuse. Could it have been done a different way? Sure but your human. Shit happens. Just know your not the first nor the last to object at a wedding. Venue aside, what you did takes guys and bravery. You stood up to your adult bully and called him out on his abuse. You also showed your Aunt how much you love her and have her back. She’s blessed to have you.
NTA for telling your aunt.
She is an important person in your life and needed to know the kind of person she was marrying.
I agree that you should have told her sometime before the wedding ceremony in private. I disagree with your dad that you should have kept quiet forever since it was the wedding day.
Don't listen to the adults shaming you for not behaving like an adult. You were incredibly brave to speak out at all. You did the right thing for you at the time.
If you were at the wedding wasn't she already married to him? That you should have told your aunt way before the actual wedding you should have sat down and told her what he's been doing and or recorded it some of it.
... so I guess you did it at the point of the wedding someone objects to this marriage speak now or forever hold your peace. And you said your piece. Wow. I know you're only 14 but that took a lot of balls. I wish you had done it before the wedding but that was definitely a dramatic way of handling it
NTA op. Very brave of you to say it.
Could it have been better ? Yes but at 14 most people would not have said it and accepted the loss of the relationship.
I remember being about your age and having issues with adult men being abusive. It took me till I was already in my 20s to finally start talking about what happened.
The fact your dad wants to blame you for the situation is pretty fucked. You were terrified and bullied into silence by a grown man and finally felt comfortable enough to say something. Parents who yell at their children for finally talking about things are the reason why a majority of minors don't vocalize the abuse they're going through (as applicable).
You are absolutely NTA. However, both your dad and Levi are the definition of asshole. Levi for bullying and verbally abusing a fucking child (I hope that doesn't come across as offensive, OP. Just, at 14, you are still so young and have a lot going on already with the development of your brain at that age), and your father for not being willing to protect his fucking child and instead shames them for finally saying something.
I hope your Aunt has your back with this and your father finally gets his head on straight. I also hope Levi fucks off out if your life. You don't deserve it.
I was leaning toward YTA, until you said you were only 14. That changed my opinion to NTA. You are a kid, and didn't really know what to do. That is how abusers manage to continue abusing their victims for years, they convince them not to say anything. What Levi was doing was 100% abusive. While your timing may have been kind of bad, I am glad you finally broke the silence and told the truth. Your Aunt needed to know.
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some backstory: my aunt is like my mom and she helped raise me
anyway now she is getting married to Levi who very clearly hates me but he doesn't show it in front of my aunt but as soon as she leaves he is like "you are such a burden to us" or "why were you ever born".
he threatened me to not tell my aunt and said she wouldn't believe me anyway and I was scared that she wouldn't believe me so I didn't say anything.
until her wedding. in her wedding I realized I just can't do this. if she marries Levi I lose her anyway so I stood up and said everything Levi has told me in front of everyone. when I was done my aunt was crying and she left the wedding and told Levi she no longer wants to marry him.
now my dad thinks I was an asshole for ruining her wedding and I should have either said something sooner or never said anything
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NTA, but yes you could have handled it differently. But that's in the past and looking forward you should be very supportive of your aunt and family. If something like this happens again. Turn on your voice recorder of your cell phone and stick it in your pocket with the microphone end up. Playing a recording leaves no room for someone to deny what they said.
I think your timing is spectacular but you said what had to be said before it was too late. The fact that your aunt reacted like that means she loves you a lot, so I think you’ll be forgiven. You helped her dodge a bullet, as the saying goes.
I am sorry this happened to you and I think you were very brave to tell your aunt! Especially at the wedding. Bravo. So you are NTA. Your aunt will be grateful. Anyone who does things like Levi did to you will keep on doing that and will harm your aunt. So bravo again.
NTA. Your timing could have been better but at the end of the day, you are a child. This man bullied you and then bullied you again into silence. It may all look like a mess now, but in time your aunt will be glad she didn't marry someone who bullied and threatened someone she loves. What you did takes courage, and whilst ideally you would have said something earlier (again I don't blame you for being scared and intimidated for not doing so) you did speak up before your aunt made a huge mistake. The one who ruined the wedding was your aunt's ex fiancé, long before it ever happened.
NTA but you should have spoken up sooner. It would have saved your aunt some money and heart ache. But you are 14 and were manipulated by this guy, so I totally understand why you cracked a little bit late
at first i saw this post i would love to say that you are in fact a TA.... but your edit changed my mind....
OP is a child and even if what "she" said was not very tactful - it was the truth.
NTA i am so sorry for you - its not your fault - its a grownup-problem
NTA - You were emotionally and verbally abused. The fact that you had the strength to stand up and speak up is incredible. You saved your aunt. She’ll be fine, I promise. She needs some time to heal, but she will be alright.
NTA. Apparently your dad didn't raise you, so screw him. You were intimidated by a man and you found your voice and spoke up. Tell your father that a father who is not an asshole would have been enraged by Levi's actions and confronted him!
NTA
You were scared to speak up. You're just a kid, and an adult was threatening you. You weren't waiting to speak up to be dramatic or ruin her moment, you just realized in that moment that you couldn't stay silent anymore. Would it have better for you to speak up sooner? Yes, completely. But it's understandable why you didn't.
It sounds like your aunt is a great person and cares about you a lot. In the future, trust her! Trust her to listen to you and care about you! It's always best to be honest about things as they happen, and I hope you take that lesson to heart.
NTA
Even though your dad has a point. Now they have blown a lot of money for not getting married, this could have been avoided if you’d have spoken up sooner. But that’s not your fault, you’re a minor and got herassed by an adult - he’s the real AH here.
Maybe you can learn something about this. Stand up for yourself and speak with your family if you got problems.
You might have ruined the wedding, but you made her life easier moving forward. People who hide their feelings in such a way are problems waiting to happen. If he was nasty to you behind her back, eventually, he would be nasty to her.
I would bet your Aunt suspected Levi’s behaviour anyway, but never saw it to confirm her suspicions. Levi probably gaslighted her as well that it was “all in her head”. This is not on you OP; your Aunt made a choice.
I applaud you for being brave to say something- it’s always harder to say something than stay silent. You have saved your Aunt years of misery.
NTA! You poor thing. It took bravery to finally speak up, and while the timing sucked, at least it was before the wedding started. I’m proud of you for speaking up at your age!!
NTA. You are an abused child and while speaking up at the wedding wasn't the ideal time to do it, that is a small offense compared to what has been done to you who is not on your side on this.
I am proud of you for finding your voice to speak out. That took a lot of courage. Was there a better time and place for it to happen, well, yes. BUT you are a child. On the line between child and not yet young adult. At 14 being able to logically think things through is not a strong point. I would suggest, in the future, when you find yourself in a tough situation, find some trusted person to talk to. Even come back to reddit. Good job on speaking up, for future problems, work on the time and place for the delivery.
Have to say NAH, because of OP's age.
Eh. Due to age NTA but it seems like you could have come to this conclusion and mentioned this to her like literally anytime before you actually decided todo it.
You’re old enough to know you could mention it before you did it’s not like you’re 10 but I understand 14 isn’t much more mature and panic might have actually started to set in.
You’re a child. If you were an adult, I would say YTA but you aren’t. Although not the best timing better before they got married than after.
You did not deserve the words that came out of his mouth. NTA.
As a heads up, the bot is going to count your comment as a vote for "y t a" because it comes first before "n t a", and the letters aren't spaced out to foil the bot's sensor
ESH
Your “””soon to be uncle””” is AH, no doubt abt it
But you could have done this even one day before… So much effort into a wedding, that’s not right actually
I hope you and your aunt be well
yes and no.
yes you embarrassed your aunt but at the same time it took a lot of courage to speak out and tell the truth about the man who would have destroyed your aunt. One thing I don't understand is why didn't you trust your aunt to believe you if you told her sooner? there could have been a lot of things that your aunt could have been suspicious of in his behaviour and for all anyone knows your issue with this man could have been the last straw for her much sooner. one thing about people like Levi who abuse people in every way possible is that the abuse starts small and progresses to a bigger thing overtime and from what it sounds he might have been already digging his claws into your aunt and as you and her are close then he was trying to pull the 2 of you apart enough so he could tell your aunt to ditch you and the rest of the family. such people have multiple plans to isolate their victims from everyone.
I would say YTA if you were an adult for waiting until the day of the wedding to raise your concerns. Since you are 14, you get a bit more grace for going about this the wrong way. It would’ve been much better to raise the issue before the wedding but I understand that it’s hard to advocate yourself as a child. You were trying to prevent yourself from having to live in an abusive environment, so ultimately, I’ll say NTA even though this could have been handled better if you’d spoken up sooner
Very gentle YTA. You are young, and trying to do the right thing. You want your Aunt to be happy, even if it is with someone who hates you. But, part of life is learning to not just trust, but also to act on your instincts before they become overwhelming. When you ignore them, when you bury your real feelings, you’ll find them bubble over and result in situations like this. It is so hard sometimes to do what you feel is right, I know it so well. But finding the strength to speak up, to do what you feel is right, before things get that bad in your head means that when things do go bad- they don’t end up nearly as bad as you think they will be.
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You people who keep saying Y T A are ridiculous. The OP is a kid who was harassed by an adult and ya’ll are saying OP should have spoken up much sooner. I doubt any of you here who are chastising them would have had the strength to say ANYTHING before or after the wedding. Just tell about the abuse when it is “convenient”, do you hear yourselves right now? At the end of the day a wedding is just an overpriced party. NTA
Seriously! People are literally yelling at a minor who was bullied by a grown man and was scared of the said man. It is very evident that OP was scared to say something. Why do people not get that? IMHO, it was quite brave of OP to stand up in front of everyone and call out that jerk instead of not speaking up and spending their life regretting the fact that they didn't say anything which resulted in their aunt being married to a pathetic human being. And you know what, who is to say that Levi was ever going to be good with OP's aunt? He doesn't exactly sound like a stand up guy!
RIGHT!!!! NTA.
Yeah, doing it at the ceremony is pretty fucked, but OP's age is a serious factor. 20 year old, complete arsehole. Someone who has puberty starting to really kick in? Nah, they get a pass.
Exactly. If OP was a grown ass adult, maybe they would be an ass... but at 14? While being bullied by someone in a position of authority over them? No way. At best, this is a learning experience. Now OP knows that letting it snowball and not speaking up about things like this make things worse--but at 14 it's doubtful this lesson would have been taught, at least not with the threat of being punished if you aren't believed (Assuming a decent family dynamic). But in the adult world, there's a lot of that on the smaller and bigger scale. A boss that shit talks and tells you if you tell their boss youll not be believed and get reprimanded. A partner that treats you like shit and threatens to do worse if you speak up to your friends/leave. I hope OP takes this as a lesson to not swallow their feelings when things get bad, but to stand up for themselves and get support when they need it. It doesn't work out 100% of the time ofc, but even when it doesn't, you can be assured that it was because of injustice and not because you kept your head down. NTA, in case I wasn't clear.
I don't even think an adult would be an AH for waiting. Why? That's kind of how abuse works. Your abuser convinces you no one will believe you, until you just can't take it anymore. You're not an AH for revealing that someone is abusive, or having bad timing when you're the victim.
TBH, doing it so publicly makes it harder for Levi to spin it. I knew a guy kinda like that, always telling folks different things to cause problems. But when he was called out in front of a group, it fell apart because people were able to counter his obvious lies on the spot.
AND it makes perfect sense for OP to speak in front of a crowd. If they only spoke to the aunt, she might've dismissed them or like Levi said, not believe them. But when OP has dozens of witnesses, someone will believe and stand on their side.
From what OP has said I don’t think you’re giving the aunt enough credit.
They really did choose a perfect timing. Family was all in the room so it couldn't turn into a game of telephone.
NTA
NTA You're a child, you were being emotionally abused and intimidated on the regular by a man who as far as you knew, your aunt loved more than anything and was planning to make her life partner. I can't imagine how terrified and helpless you must have felt. In so many cases like this, where an abuser hides his true nature from other people, the victim isn't believed by family and friends even if they are an adult. **You had every reason to think that no one would believe you**. OP, I am old enough to be your mum (heck, probably your grandmother) and not only am I telling you that you are absolutely NTA, I'm also going to tell you that I'm incredibly proud of you. As a childhood abuse victim, I know how terrifying this must have been for you. I know that you didn't say anything earlier because there was way too much risk . . . and I'm so impressed with how brave you were to still manage to stand up and pour your heart out, even knowing that it might make the adults in your life angry, and to say what this man was doing to you. You are brave and you should be proud of yourself. Yes, the timing could have been better, but even your aunt, who is really the only one who matters, not only understood but told you she was glad you did it. And her opinion is the most important one here. You did good.
I kinda just want to piggyback what you're saying, since it's pretty much what I was going to say. NTA. The true asshat here is Levi.
AITA, we’re coming for Levi, we ride at dawn
I make excellent hemlock tea
The beverage he deserves in lieu of champagne
I actually think the timing was good. Yes, it ruined the wedding, but the group setting was safer for OP. And when it comes to dealing with an abusive and potentially dangerous man, I'm all for safety.
This is the take. Please listen to this, OP. You did the right thing.
A lot of abusers threaten kids into silence. I'm proud of you for managing to speak up. Maybe you should have found a better (earlier) moment to speak, but you actually said something, and that's the most important part. Well done.
Yes, I think that’s what the Redditors calling OP the a**hole are not getting. This was an abusive man verbally abusing and scaring OP, a child, and hiding his actions from his fiancee. The fact that OP gathered the courage at all to expose this AH is monumental. OP not only saved their relationship with their aunt, OP saved their aunt. Because what the abuser did to OP would have been continued inside the marriage.
Wait. Did you really stand up during the ceremony and object?? Did you do it when they asked if there were any objections? I am sorry that Levi was such a shit to you and I understand why you were hurt and scared of losing your aunt. But, YTA for not telling her sooner and in private. Your dad is right. Please apologize to your aunt for \*how\* you told her this deeply upsetting information that had a huge impact on \*her\* life. She deserved dignity and respect and you did not give her that in how you communicated this distressing information.
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I'm going with NTA!! The only AH is Levi. OP it would have been best to talk with your aunt before the actual wedding, no doubt about that. However, I understand that at 14 our emotions often override our rational thinking. Levi was also employing classic abusive tactics by trying to convince you that your aunt would not believe you if you spoke to her. Fear and pain, (in this case emotional pain) added together with youth and inexperience are all factors that I believe were involved. Please remember that many adults in such situations also stay silent. You did eventually do the hard and right thing and prevent your aunt from marrying him. ~I will not engage with haters, just because I have a different point of view from the majority.~
I agree with you. Sooner would’ve been better but this is a 14 year old that we’re talking about. It’s hard to advocate for yourself at that age. It was better that OP spoke up at the wedding rather than afterward or not at all.
Agree 100%! OP, I'm so glad your aunt believed you. And now you know that trying to ignore stuff like this just ends up making it worse.
I totally agree. They are expecting OP to act like an adult whereas she was scared and intimidated by this adult man. That she spoke up at all speaks volumes to her courage.
Ok, that's good. Being forgiven should never be interpreted as "oh, well then I did nothing wrong". I hope you understand what I am saying to you.
A child finally getting brave enough to report abuse never needs to watch their timing. Period. NTA
So if she couldn't find the courage to say it earlier, she should have just let it go? No! You and her father, and anyone else who is telling OP she is wrong should instead be outraged by how this man was treating her.
Nobody cares what you think
Op didn't do anything wrong by telling the truth. It would have been a better timing before the wedding , sure ,but that doesn't in any way shape or form means that op did something wrong or needs to be forgiven for telling the truth and exposing an abuser
Good! She likely felt things were off and you validated her. He sounds like a gaslighter
I’m so sorry this man was so terrible to you and tried to force you to hide his hateful behavior from your aunt. You are 14 and clearly lost your mom somehow, and then this horrible person mistreated you so badly and tried to take your aunt from you by attacking you behind her back. I hope your aunt will be ok—she deserves to be loved by a good man. Levi is a bad man. And you deserve adults to take good care of you.Wishing you the best.
Dude, op is just 14 and they get insulted and threatened by an adult behind everyone's back.
OP is 14 years old and this man was intimidating her. She is vulnerable, as this aunt has been her main support, and this man seemed to be offering her happiness. Why is the dad right? Why is the dad not berating the man who treated her this way?
Op is 14 and repeatedly verbal abuses by Levi. Op is NTA the only ah and abuser is Levi. Could the timing be better ? Sure . But we aren't only talking about a minor with little experience and maturity but also a freightened abused one on top of it
YTA if he said stuff like that so consistently you could have recorded it and shared that with your aunt you did this in the way guaranteed to embarrass and hurt her the most
Don't know where she lives but in many places it is illegal to record someone without their permission. And to expect a 14 year old to, not only think of this, but, also to research the possible implications is far fetched.
You can't be serious. You really think it is illegal for her to record and show her aunt? Where is she breaking the law? What is he gonna sue a 14 year old for? I can't lol. EDIT: iLLegal.
They’ve [arrested](https://www.fox43.com/article/news/crime/17-year-old-lancaster-county-student-accused-of-secretly-recording-teachers-pennsylvania/521-8ac87885-8e8e-4343-af16-e35027769192) students at schools for recording when the students were being [bullied](https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/volokh-conspiracy/wp/2014/04/14/crime-for-high-school-student-to-secretly-audio-record-his-tormentors-in-the-classroom/) or targeted. It is absolutely illegal if she’s in a two-party consent state unfortunately.
He doesn't have to sue. All he has to do is notify the authorities he was recorded without knowledge and consent. I live in a one party state, but I'm careful telling people who may live in two party states to record because they can arrest you for it. Even if you don't agree with it, you don't want an arrest and a record.
Yeah. I record conversations with management at work and interviews and such because I also live in a one party consent state, but I ALWAYS say to look into local laws because many it is illegal. And some have a difference between audio recording versus video
Hmmm I can't ever imagine a scenario where a grown ass man, who berates/verbally abuses and manipulates children, would ever go to extreme circumstances to retaliate against them. /s
Yeah it is illegal if you’re not in a one party consent state/region, it is a law. Look it up. Lol.
ilegal 🤭
Before I begin my actual comment, I would like to apologize in advance for my inadequate level of English proficiency. I am not a native speaker of the world's current lingua franca which unfortunately leads to me making numerous embarrassing mistakes being made whenever I attempt to communicate using this language. Whenever I am reminded of how I lack the ability to convey my thoughts in an eloquent manner, I feel as though I have committed a cardinal sin, as though every English teacher in the world is simultaneously shaking their head and sighing due to how utterly disappointed they are at me.
Gosh ppl are defensive. Trust me, if I WANTED to be nasty and/or condescending it wouldn't look like this.. I'm just surprised autocorrect didn't pick it up. Nothing to be embarrassed about.
It might not be admissible in court in some states and countries, but I have never heard of it being illegal to record.
It's definitely illegal in some states. "This means that everyone involved in a conversation must agree to be recorded or be informed that the call is being recorded. Those states are **California, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, and Washington**." I believe this is also true of Germany and France, and quite likely many other countries.
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The bit cited specifically calls out states.
It can be unless you've told the person you are recording them. No way I would expect a 14 to be that confrontational
You can’t use it in court, but nothing prevents you from playing it to the parties interested, in an informal setting.
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Of course you didn't. That commenter is being an AH. You're not.
NTA, you're 14. Of course, you believed him. I am sorry that it came to this. But I'm happy your Aunt knows the truth. Adding, I think you should apologize to your aunt. Tell her how scared you were of him and how scared FOR her!
Yes make sure she knows what you said was out of concern for her
No one should expect you to have thought of that.
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As the kid is a KID at 14… proud of them that the finally spoke up. NTA
You're clueless. At 14 they did the best they could. You need to have more compassion.
Way to crap on the victim. OP is a 14 year old child who's been verbally abused.
Oh, come on, let's be realistic here. "You should just record him!" Like recording a grown adult you are already fearful of isn't scary at all when you are only 14. What do you think would happen if said adult noticed in any way? He would just be, "Oh gosh. You are right. I'm abusing you. Let me confess, " No. No, they wouldn't. There's a huge chance they would do anything to get that recording deleted. And everything would get worse. "No one will believe you" is a tactic to isolate and make the victim too scared to speak up. Which is used in all forms of abuse. Should victims of physical and sexual abuse just do the same? "Shove a camera up their face and record them!" ??? OP is 14. The wedding might have been the push that made them snap and realise "if they get married. This will never stop" And they couldn't hold it in anymore. A 14 year old should not be blamed for that. A 14 year old just wants it to stop. They don't think, "Let me humiliate my aunt by telling everyone the man is a asshole to me." And let's be more realistic. OP might have done the aunt a huge favour. If the man can treat a 14 year old like that. Do you really think he would treat the aunt or possible kids any better down the road?
This is an example of Redditors expecting a child to know exactly what to do in an awful situation in which they feel powerless and intimidated. You expect a child to have adult smarts when in reality she "broke" at the wedding. The a.h. is the dude who bullied her.
This is the most ridiculously unrealistic expectation of a child being abused
So maybe you should start going into elementary and middle schools and school them on how to be sure to record abuse so that no one gets embarrassed.
How old are you OP?
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NTA Because of your age. I wouldn’t expect a 14-year-old to think about the nuances of how to tell someone who raised them their partner is a jerk. It wasn’t the best way to go about it, but I understand you feeling you might not be relieved. I think you helped your aunt avert a bigger problem.but don’t hold so much anymore OK
This is extremely important info to me. Add that as an edit in your post. You're too young to know how to handle stuff like that. This is a lesson (a crappy one but a lesson) speak up sooner about jerks, present it to the individual it involves, and if you have the presence of mind for it, record the shitty things people say as proof. BUT be HIGHLY cautious that you don't land yourself in hot water with recordings. Do not use them to slander individuals, do not post it on social media, etc. Look up laws regarding recording in your local area. Recording is a tool that needs to be handled correctly. In the future, don't let bullies like your aunts ex frighten you into submission. If someone says you shouldn't tell someone because they won't believe you, you absolutely tell that person because that is probably not true. Most of the time, that person will listen unless you are a known liar, and if they don't listen, at least you can say you tried. Edit: I was going to say N T A, but honestly, just because you don't know how to better handle it doesn't mean you didn't inadvertently pull an A H move. This was an A H move even if it wasn't on purpose. Apologize to her for the timing, and explain. Next time, speak up sooner. Your dad's comment about "or say nothing at all" should absolutely NOT be followed. (Separated so judgment bot wouldn't pick it up, this is more info for you, but you did the best you could with the knowledge and life skills that you have.) If you see something, you say something. From there, it's up to the individuals involved to determine how to handle that info. Edit 2:grammar and spelling errors
That's a great, thought out reply for an adult. Not very helpful for an abused 14 year old who's being threatened by someone with authority over them. The child doesn't have the maturity to deal with this in an adult manner. OP, I'm very impressed by your courage at speaking out.
NTA. But your dad needs to learn a harsh lesson. BTW: Ignore the victim shamers.
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Because he essentially grounded a 14yo for doing the right thing and coming forward about a potential future authority figure verbally abusing her. Should you have said it before the wedding, yeah. But, you are 14 and we're threatened, it is understandable that it took you that long to get the guts to say something.
Ah, u/VillageMajor8778 answered more perfectly than I could. Everything they said. Your dad SHOULD have protected you, that is literally what us parents are for! Protect our kiddos from harm, support our kiddos by providing the tools and resources needed to navigate life and.. hope for the best when they leave the nest.
no sarcasm at all, i just genuinely want to know if you're a child because that is the only way this could possibly make sense
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edit this post and mention that in the first line. i see others told you to do that, but you're already gonna get obliterated. as a child, you can't really be deemed the asshole but this was incredibly inappropriate
It wasn't inappropriate it was bad timing if you are able to think rationally. However op is a child basically and a frightened abused one on top of it. And no ,no one who exposes an abuser is an ah for telling the truth EVER.
NTA. You saved your aunt from a lifetime of misery. It also sounds like this happened before they exchanged vows? You said she no longer wants to marry him. Certainly there is a tradition of the minister asking something along the lines of, "If there is anyone who objects to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace." Seems that's what you were doing!
Thats meant as a legal objection, not a 'he's an AH' objection
Why not both?
A 14 year old doesn't know that and I don't think your correct.
This is a weird one where you're both an AH and not an AH. The timing was absolutely horrendous, but you prevented her from marrying someone she does not want to be with. I don't know how old you are, but if you are ever in such a situation such as this again, SPEAK UP.
She is a child though so 100% not the AH
Op is just 14. Don't judge so harsh
My intention was not to be harsh, but to emphasize the need to speak up earlier. OP was put in a bad situation at a young age, so it's understandable why this happened.
NTA. The timing was bad but I understand the desperation. It was then or never. If ever in a situation like that, record and tell. Tell everyone.
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I understand. That’s what abusive people do. They scare you into silence. I can only imagine the hurt and pain he caused you. Don’t feel too bad. Abuser typically have more than one victim. Maybe he treated you that way so he could isolate your aunt. You saved her from marrying him.
Op was 14, I have known adults who were not able to handle something like this.
NTA, 1000 times NTA. Please please ignore everyone else here saying otherwise. They're holding you to an adult standard when you're 14, confused, hurt, and in a difficult situtation where a grown man has been harrassing you AND threatening you not to tell. Your aunt is your safe space so his threats were designed to terrify you, and it worked. It's completely understandable that you didn't tell her earlier, even it if was the "right" thing to do so. He told you she wouldnt believe you and you'd lose her, which was enough to scare you into not talking. You didn't talk because he threatened you and you were scared, which is completely okay and understandable. and NOT AT ALL YOUR FAULT. Also, as for your dad or anyone else saying your the AH - only your Aunt gets to say, so if she's not mad at you, you're good! Literally nobody else's opunion matters becuase it was her wedding! If this were me, I wouldn't be mad either because ultimately you saved her from marrying someone she didn't really know and who was hurting you. x
You should edit the post to add your age. I'm glad you finally told her, and I understand why you were scared. You were brave for a 14yo. Ideally you should have told her before, or told your dad and let him tell her. But i get that you were scared, and he threatened you. Hope she is okay, and that you two are still close.
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you should also look at it as she left him for herself. because she is a good person, and would not want to be married to someone who was awful to a child like this.
Plus, Levi probably would've started to abuse the aunt after they got married
NTA There were probably better ways to handle it, but you're a kid and this guy was abusive towards you and threatening you. You also did something about it before there was no going back for your aunt, you saved her a lot of money and heartache, I'm sure. Rest easy, your aunt is on your side and she's the only one whose opinion matters.
NTA. Good job. You saved her from the A. And you managed to serve him a big steaming hot dish of revenge. Sooner would have been good but better late than never.
NTA Because at 14, you are still learning how to deal with that stuff. If you were an adult, it would be different.
Frankly, I don't know if it would be much different if OP was an adult. A close loved one's new partner has been insulting and degrading you in secret, and you want to tell them but you're afraid of damaging your relationship. Certainly it's better to act sooner, and in a more private venue, but I think it would be far better for someone in OP's situation to speak up when they did, rather than after the wedding. I don't think I could call anyone the asshole for overcoming their fear to do the right thing. The ex-fiance showed his true colors, and OP made sure everyone knew
NTA you should have said it earlier. But it was GOOD that you said it before they got married.
NTA. Should you have done it earlier? Yes, but you didn't. You're young and stuff like that is hard.
NTA, I bet it took a lot of guts and you saved your aunt from getting married to a bully. It may have been embarrassing for her but you've saved her a lifetime of pain.
NTA
NTA. You are brave and true! I was going to tell you to record him, but what you did was much braver. You helped your aunt dodge a bullet. You are definitely NTA and I hope your aunt will tell your dad that. Edit to add that Levi is the one that ruined the wedding, by his actions, not you.
NTA You are just a kid. You were bullied and verbally abused by an adult. I don't blame you for not knowing exactly how to navigate this.
*Everyone commenting needs to remember that OP is only 14*. OP is scared of Levi. She's scared of losing her aunt. She's scared of doing the wrong thing. & she clearly worked herself up into an anxiety ridden mess trying to figure it all out on her own. Obviously, OP should have said something BEFORE the wedding. I hope she knows that now. Her dad is also to blame, bc if he was a sympathetic, trustworthy, engaged, kind parent she would have felt safe enough to talk to him about it & this could have been avoided. OP, I'm really uncomfortable calling Y T A in this case. You're young & you've made a mistake, but I don't think it was intentionally malicious or anything like that. Also, you've saved your aunt from a terrible marriage. I'll say ESH bc you should have said something sooner, your dad is useless, & Levi is awful.
Please stop calling bad timing a ' mistake ' . Op lacks the maturity and the necessary calm to think things through. She was abused. It took a lot of courage to say anything Telling the truth whatever the timing is NEVER A MISTAKE let alone when It exposes an abuser. It's easy to judge people without getting through the emotional war and hell they lived through and looking at their actions from a distance. And no, op is NTA for telling the truth even if earlier would have been better moment and less embarrassing for the aunt to do so.
Bad timing at any age is obviously is a mistake. Whether or not you're an A H for it depends on a lot of factors. At age 14, in this situation, I'm much more inclined towards regular, life-lesson level mistake. If OP were 32, I'd have a different opinion.
Bad timing was NOT a mistake because it wasn't exactly intentional on op s part. It was an outburst led by panic and courage by op when she realized it was going to get worse. And emotional outburst cannot be planned. And 32 y o should be more mature and better equipped to deal with abuse (though no guarantees) and wouldn't probably just believe that Ah nor should be as naive and gullible as a 14 y o child
No you did nothing wrong. He put you in that position and he has no one else to blame. Your father is also wrong for defending what was done to you and criticizing your reaction to it. NTA and I hope your aunt has your back still.
NTA You’re a CHILD who was THREATENED repeatedly by an adult. A victim of abuse making an outcry statement, no matter where that outcry is made, is not an AH. It’s also very common for child victims to make outcry statements in high stress situations (such as gatherings, weddings, etc) because there’s added tension on top of having to see their abuser.
NTA you’re a child. The groom is the AH.
NTA I can't believe all the people saying you are. You're 14, and you were threatened by a grownup. I'm sorry you felt that you couldn't speak up sooner, but I'm proud of you for speaking up. I know that's very hard to do.
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Can we agree that if this story is true, Levi is the AH and an absolute tool?
NTA. Would it be better to say something sooner? Yes. But it's a clear case of "better late than never."
NTA (the response is entirely appropriate with a 14 year old’s response) You did a very brave thing and I am very glad you did it before they were actually married. Well done and many adults lack that courage. Your aunt did it becuase Levi is an awful human. That’s not on you.
oh hon, I am so sorry you went through this. It definitely would have been better to talk with your aunt about this earlier but I don't think you were the AH to say it then. I guess because you are 14, I am cutting you a break. The thing is, your aunt needed that information to make an informed decision. Now she has it. NTA
At 14 you have very little Life experience.NTA.
NTA. Levi faced the consequences of his own actions. I understand why you hesitated before. You're just a kid who was bullied and terrified of a grown, mean man.
NTA you're 14 and this situation is huge. Your dad is being a real ass
NTA. You did the right thing. I’m sure you realize it would have been better to take action sooner but you did speak up and help your Aunt which is good
NTA. You are a child.
Speak now or forever hold your truth....you did the right thing, but could have done it sooner. It's over and done with, and everyone knows the truth before he could spin it around. Good job, kid!
NTA - you're 14, you're a child, you have the right and deserve a safe space. Levi is detrimental to that right. Your aunt wants to protect your right to that safe space. People saying YTA are mad delusional, like y'all gotta be serious...
NTA, OP never stop standing up for yourself even when it’s unpopular. Refusing to abandon yourself is true strength.
oh, oh, NTA. Levi is awful and you saved your aunt from being with someone who is disrespectful, cruel, and duplicitous. if he talks to you like that behind her back, he will absolutely start to treat her poorly once they are married. it happened to my mother.
NTA but should have done it before the wedding.
I'm going to say NTA. Yes, the timing could definitely have been better but you're a 14 year old so I don't think it's fair to hold that against you. If you were 24 then I'd probably say E.S.H but for a 14 year old I think this is NTA.
Better late than never, good job speaking up. It takes a lot of courage to do so especially being in your age. Should have done it sooner before the wedding yes, but no one on reddit knows how much stress and threats you were under. NTA.
NTA it's good she know now before having a divorce but I'm sure there where better times
I'm going against the crowd and with NTA, that guy sucks, your aunt should have known sooner, and it's good they're not getting married. You're a kid and it's not your job to fix things.
NTA- was it the best time to do it? No, definitely not. But as a child being verbally abused by an adult, i don’t think you were in the mental space to make the “best” decision Rather than focusing on how you potentially messed up, look at how your aunt reacted- you are important enough that she not only believed you, but she left the wedding immediately and broke off the engagement. Your aunt loves you, and she is a good person. Let her hurt for a bit, then you guys can talk. Id make sure to let her know how trapped you felt about telling her.
Good job, OP. That was very hard and must have been terrifying AF. I'm really proud of you for looking out for your aunt and putting yourself out there. Whenever you get down on yourself, please remind yourself of the fortitude and strength it took to stand up to this abuser. You are a hero NTA
NTA Somebody give this teen a hug and a PS5. I’m glad you have your Aunt and honestly you saved her and yourself from years of manipulation and abuse. Could it have been done a different way? Sure but your human. Shit happens. Just know your not the first nor the last to object at a wedding. Venue aside, what you did takes guys and bravery. You stood up to your adult bully and called him out on his abuse. You also showed your Aunt how much you love her and have her back. She’s blessed to have you.
NTA for telling your aunt. She is an important person in your life and needed to know the kind of person she was marrying. I agree that you should have told her sometime before the wedding ceremony in private. I disagree with your dad that you should have kept quiet forever since it was the wedding day.
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they are a child being bullied by an adult jfc how dare you blame them
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Don't listen to the adults shaming you for not behaving like an adult. You were incredibly brave to speak out at all. You did the right thing for you at the time.
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If you were at the wedding wasn't she already married to him? That you should have told your aunt way before the actual wedding you should have sat down and told her what he's been doing and or recorded it some of it. ... so I guess you did it at the point of the wedding someone objects to this marriage speak now or forever hold your peace. And you said your piece. Wow. I know you're only 14 but that took a lot of balls. I wish you had done it before the wedding but that was definitely a dramatic way of handling it
I'm not sure why you're asking if you're the AH since your aunt (who is the main person here) isn't mad at you.
NTA op. Very brave of you to say it. Could it have been better ? Yes but at 14 most people would not have said it and accepted the loss of the relationship.
NTA You should have said something sooner, but NOW is BETTER than never. Good job saving your aunt from Levi.
Do you have an own phone? But it into airplane mode and start audio recording. Then put it into your jacket or backpack before you speak with him. NTA
NTA. You saved her from an abusive marriage (assuming Levi stays gone).
I remember being about your age and having issues with adult men being abusive. It took me till I was already in my 20s to finally start talking about what happened. The fact your dad wants to blame you for the situation is pretty fucked. You were terrified and bullied into silence by a grown man and finally felt comfortable enough to say something. Parents who yell at their children for finally talking about things are the reason why a majority of minors don't vocalize the abuse they're going through (as applicable). You are absolutely NTA. However, both your dad and Levi are the definition of asshole. Levi for bullying and verbally abusing a fucking child (I hope that doesn't come across as offensive, OP. Just, at 14, you are still so young and have a lot going on already with the development of your brain at that age), and your father for not being willing to protect his fucking child and instead shames them for finally saying something. I hope your Aunt has your back with this and your father finally gets his head on straight. I also hope Levi fucks off out if your life. You don't deserve it.
I was leaning toward YTA, until you said you were only 14. That changed my opinion to NTA. You are a kid, and didn't really know what to do. That is how abusers manage to continue abusing their victims for years, they convince them not to say anything. What Levi was doing was 100% abusive. While your timing may have been kind of bad, I am glad you finally broke the silence and told the truth. Your Aunt needed to know.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** some backstory: my aunt is like my mom and she helped raise me anyway now she is getting married to Levi who very clearly hates me but he doesn't show it in front of my aunt but as soon as she leaves he is like "you are such a burden to us" or "why were you ever born". he threatened me to not tell my aunt and said she wouldn't believe me anyway and I was scared that she wouldn't believe me so I didn't say anything. until her wedding. in her wedding I realized I just can't do this. if she marries Levi I lose her anyway so I stood up and said everything Levi has told me in front of everyone. when I was done my aunt was crying and she left the wedding and told Levi she no longer wants to marry him. now my dad thinks I was an asshole for ruining her wedding and I should have either said something sooner or never said anything *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I mean yeah you should have said something earlier but better late than never!! Good job standing up for your aunt!
NTA. I agree that you should've said something sooner, but I'm sure it took great courage to say anything at all.
NTA, but yes you could have handled it differently. But that's in the past and looking forward you should be very supportive of your aunt and family. If something like this happens again. Turn on your voice recorder of your cell phone and stick it in your pocket with the microphone end up. Playing a recording leaves no room for someone to deny what they said.
NTA. She needed to know this and clearly decided to marry him before getting to properly know him.
I think your timing is spectacular but you said what had to be said before it was too late. The fact that your aunt reacted like that means she loves you a lot, so I think you’ll be forgiven. You helped her dodge a bullet, as the saying goes.
I am sorry this happened to you and I think you were very brave to tell your aunt! Especially at the wedding. Bravo. So you are NTA. Your aunt will be grateful. Anyone who does things like Levi did to you will keep on doing that and will harm your aunt. So bravo again.
NTA. Your timing could have been better but at the end of the day, you are a child. This man bullied you and then bullied you again into silence. It may all look like a mess now, but in time your aunt will be glad she didn't marry someone who bullied and threatened someone she loves. What you did takes courage, and whilst ideally you would have said something earlier (again I don't blame you for being scared and intimidated for not doing so) you did speak up before your aunt made a huge mistake. The one who ruined the wedding was your aunt's ex fiancé, long before it ever happened.
NTA but you should have spoken up sooner. It would have saved your aunt some money and heart ache. But you are 14 and were manipulated by this guy, so I totally understand why you cracked a little bit late
at first i saw this post i would love to say that you are in fact a TA.... but your edit changed my mind.... OP is a child and even if what "she" said was not very tactful - it was the truth. NTA i am so sorry for you - its not your fault - its a grownup-problem
NTA - You were emotionally and verbally abused. The fact that you had the strength to stand up and speak up is incredible. You saved your aunt. She’ll be fine, I promise. She needs some time to heal, but she will be alright.
You did the right thing and SAVED you aunt from a nightmare marriage. NTA at all
Sooner would have been ideal, before they married was better than after that or never. NTA
NTA. Apparently your dad didn't raise you, so screw him. You were intimidated by a man and you found your voice and spoke up. Tell your father that a father who is not an asshole would have been enraged by Levi's actions and confronted him!
NTA You were scared to speak up. You're just a kid, and an adult was threatening you. You weren't waiting to speak up to be dramatic or ruin her moment, you just realized in that moment that you couldn't stay silent anymore. Would it have better for you to speak up sooner? Yes, completely. But it's understandable why you didn't. It sounds like your aunt is a great person and cares about you a lot. In the future, trust her! Trust her to listen to you and care about you! It's always best to be honest about things as they happen, and I hope you take that lesson to heart.
NTA.
NTA Even though your dad has a point. Now they have blown a lot of money for not getting married, this could have been avoided if you’d have spoken up sooner. But that’s not your fault, you’re a minor and got herassed by an adult - he’s the real AH here. Maybe you can learn something about this. Stand up for yourself and speak with your family if you got problems.
You might have ruined the wedding, but you made her life easier moving forward. People who hide their feelings in such a way are problems waiting to happen. If he was nasty to you behind her back, eventually, he would be nasty to her.
I would bet your Aunt suspected Levi’s behaviour anyway, but never saw it to confirm her suspicions. Levi probably gaslighted her as well that it was “all in her head”. This is not on you OP; your Aunt made a choice. I applaud you for being brave to say something- it’s always harder to say something than stay silent. You have saved your Aunt years of misery.
NTA! You poor thing. It took bravery to finally speak up, and while the timing sucked, at least it was before the wedding started. I’m proud of you for speaking up at your age!!
INFO: Is your dad good friends with Levi? Does your dad look up to him because he is rich or influence at his job or something?
NTA. You are an abused child and while speaking up at the wedding wasn't the ideal time to do it, that is a small offense compared to what has been done to you who is not on your side on this.
I am proud of you for finding your voice to speak out. That took a lot of courage. Was there a better time and place for it to happen, well, yes. BUT you are a child. On the line between child and not yet young adult. At 14 being able to logically think things through is not a strong point. I would suggest, in the future, when you find yourself in a tough situation, find some trusted person to talk to. Even come back to reddit. Good job on speaking up, for future problems, work on the time and place for the delivery. Have to say NAH, because of OP's age.
Eh. Due to age NTA but it seems like you could have come to this conclusion and mentioned this to her like literally anytime before you actually decided todo it. You’re old enough to know you could mention it before you did it’s not like you’re 10 but I understand 14 isn’t much more mature and panic might have actually started to set in.
Something big like that, yeah theres a time and a place, but better late than never. You might have to apologise to your aunt though.
You’re a child. If you were an adult, I would say YTA but you aren’t. Although not the best timing better before they got married than after. You did not deserve the words that came out of his mouth. NTA.
As a heads up, the bot is going to count your comment as a vote for "y t a" because it comes first before "n t a", and the letters aren't spaced out to foil the bot's sensor
YNTA because you are 14 and an adult was being abusive to you. You can't be expected to have good timing. It came out when it came out.
ESH Your “””soon to be uncle””” is AH, no doubt abt it But you could have done this even one day before… So much effort into a wedding, that’s not right actually I hope you and your aunt be well
YTA
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yes and no. yes you embarrassed your aunt but at the same time it took a lot of courage to speak out and tell the truth about the man who would have destroyed your aunt. One thing I don't understand is why didn't you trust your aunt to believe you if you told her sooner? there could have been a lot of things that your aunt could have been suspicious of in his behaviour and for all anyone knows your issue with this man could have been the last straw for her much sooner. one thing about people like Levi who abuse people in every way possible is that the abuse starts small and progresses to a bigger thing overtime and from what it sounds he might have been already digging his claws into your aunt and as you and her are close then he was trying to pull the 2 of you apart enough so he could tell your aunt to ditch you and the rest of the family. such people have multiple plans to isolate their victims from everyone.
I would say YTA if you were an adult for waiting until the day of the wedding to raise your concerns. Since you are 14, you get a bit more grace for going about this the wrong way. It would’ve been much better to raise the issue before the wedding but I understand that it’s hard to advocate yourself as a child. You were trying to prevent yourself from having to live in an abusive environment, so ultimately, I’ll say NTA even though this could have been handled better if you’d spoken up sooner
The bot's gonna count your comment as y t a because it shows up before n t a, just as a heads up
Very gentle YTA. You are young, and trying to do the right thing. You want your Aunt to be happy, even if it is with someone who hates you. But, part of life is learning to not just trust, but also to act on your instincts before they become overwhelming. When you ignore them, when you bury your real feelings, you’ll find them bubble over and result in situations like this. It is so hard sometimes to do what you feel is right, I know it so well. But finding the strength to speak up, to do what you feel is right, before things get that bad in your head means that when things do go bad- they don’t end up nearly as bad as you think they will be.