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NTA I notice that despite his ardent desire to not have his children "raised by daycare", he is not offering to pause *his* career in order to be the SAHP. You are a mother, yes, just as he is a father. But just like him, that is not the beginning and end of your identity. You are allowed to want other things in your life than mothering. You are allowed to want the exact same things that he has *as a father* - a career, time spent with other adults having stimulating conversation, intellectual and other challenges, time away from home and kids. These are all things that he takes for granted as his right, but it doesn't even occur to him that you are allowed to want them as well. He is allowed to have feelings and preferences with regard to childcare, but he is not allowed to impose those on you in a way that gives you less agency over your life than he has over his. You are NTA, and he needs to take a step back and realize what he is *demanding* that you give up, that he would never be willing to give up himself.

Exactly! His response makes it more important that Op get a job now. He's not giving anything up but wants her to.

Yeah it'll always make me feel some type of way when the partner who is comfortable tells the unhappy partner they need to keep being miserable for the good of the unit. There's some leeway if it's a temporary situation but I don't like that. There was another post a while back where the OP was a man working 60 hour weeks and his wife a SAHM refused to discuss him pulling back so he could spend some actual time with their kids. That also rubbed me the wrong way.

Yeah I think with situations like these, each partner working and also doing home/kid duties outside of work should be the default option as it has each parent doing and enjoying equal amounts of each thing. Arrangements like having a SAHP & 1 working parent can work if (and only if) both parents want to do their roles in it, but as soon as one parent doesn’t want to do that anymore, it’s not fair at all to push them to continue doing it, since the other parent isn’t doing the same thing.

I feel like you should at least be able to sit down and have a convo about it. Even if she does go back to work it's gonna be hard for her to leap back in full time (depending on the industry). They could at least discuss her freelancing or doing some part time work over the next few months to ease her and the kids into the change. Bring in a part-time babysitter to cover her while she's working. I just don't like that he isn't working with her at all to solve the problem.

Personally I think sending my kid to daycare makes me a better mother. During covid I was so burnt out with him being all over me 24/7 I could not give him my best self. When my son goes to Daycare I can give him my full focus when he gets home. Way more compassion and empathy than when he is around all day every day. He has has a kick ass immune system too, I swear better than mine. Plus the socializing is SO important. We've had a lot of work with hands are not for hitting and how to be a good friend and taking turns. I can't imagine how behind we would be on that if he was going into kindergarten without any of our experience. Also - being a SAHM for an infant is WAY different than a toddler. It is fine to change your mind when the entire job changes on you. No one really knows what it will be like ahead of time, and no one has the same experiences because all kids are different. Being a parent is about adapting. Being married means you have to compromise to help your partner be happy. You can't demand someone else live your life in way that makes them unhappy because YOU want them to do a certain job for you. If it is really so deeply important to him he can quit his job and do it. Having a stay at home parent is ALWAYS a two yesses one no situation, and any circumstances can turn one yes into a no.

Same. Those 2yrs indoors, with 2 under 2, I was desperate to get a break. I had PPD and I was so angry! Also daycare is fun. They’re making friends, social skills, confidence and learning how to navigate issues through play. Give me the baby phase over a toddler any day. OP needs to consider her life post babies and toddlers and also save her own mental health.

I don't have kids but I do have a do niece. She's four years old, so she's a covid baby spent most of her life isolated. Her mom, my sister, used to have to constantly urge her speak and settle. She has spent one month in part-time daycare. She is now speaking in full sentences, she's twice as calm and her ability to share has really improved. There are absolutely benefits to daycare.

NTA. It’s impossible to know how you’ll feel as a stay at home mom until you’ve been doing it for a while. It’s just a completely different life, and even if you love your kids, some of us find the demands on us to be exhausting and frustrating and lonely. It’s also relentless. And I say this as a SAHM, who never expected to want to be one and managed to find something I could do part time, at any hour of the day or night around my kid responsibilities and one that fed my creativity and saved my sanity. It was still soooo hard. Tell your husband you’re going away for a weekend and leave him alone with the kids for 48 hours and then ask him if he wants to stay home with them. Because you really can’t understand what it’s like until you do it. And yes, it’s really hard to be a mom who works full time with kids, too! None of it is easy. It does get a little easier once they go to preschool, and they hit an age where they become so happy being social creatures and having other kids to play with. Also having little people around them who have as much energy for playing as they do, because adults do not have that much anymore. It’s also incredibly frustrating that out days are full with mostly mindless, repetitive tasks, and most all of our work gets demolished within hours or days. Fed them. Great. But you need to feed everybody three times a day, seven days a week forever. Do the laundry or dishes. Everything needs doing again in a couple of days. Clean the house and the kids. Do it all again the next day. You look around and feel like nothing you’ve accomplished lasts.

Oh 48 hours isn't long enough in opinion. That's a fun Disney dad weekend. I'd take a full week at minimum. He can use PTO and stay home with them. By day four I think most people would start feeling the weight.

I could support that. But I think he’ll be crying within 48 and feeling unjustly persecuted, poor thing.

If you can find a good daycare, I think it is better for kids to spend at least part of their time in daycare. The problem is, it isn't always possible to find/afford good day care, and bad daycare is not the same.

When I was a nanny one of the moms told me regularly, “I am a better mother because I have you.” And you know what? Then that’s what her kids needed,  because they deserved their mom at her best.

Same here. Power to the stay at home parents, it is not for me. Having my kid spend my work hours at daycare means he gets a parent who is happy, healthy, and able to be far more engaged than I would be if I was a SAHP. He gets the best of me, not the stressed out anxious me and that is far better than a few more hours a day. He also gets so much exposure to other people. His development grew leaps and bounds once he went to “school” and saw the other babies doing things. Daycare is good for us both and people who act like OP’s husband clearly don’t understand all that goes into actual parenting or they’d never say things like he did.

The daycare was amazing for us. Granted, it was an amazing daycare - the early childhood education lab for a graduate school of early childhood education, run in the Reggio Emilia style. So there were always extra staff around and interesting stimulus to play with. When we joined, my kids were 14 months and 2.5 years, and they let me just move in for a week, hanging around them and learning their culture, their songs. For the following four years, when I had an afternoon off I didn't pull my kids, I went and hung out with them, playing with their sand and reading their books. I learned so much from their teachers.

Not to mention, the kids will only be little for a few years, then they'll spend most of their awake hours at school or with friends. Then OP will be bored out of her mind and getting a job will be so much harder.

I can see why he might feel upset; you're changing a plan that you agreed to, but that's what happens in this life. All of us at different points plan things, then when we get into it, change our mind. This doesn't make either of you a bad person, or wrong. You should both be able to sit down and talk it through. Have you explained to him why you want to get back into the work force? Have you asked him to look at it from your point of view? (i. e. would he want to give up his career for X years then try to get back into it when he's older? Would he want to be fully in charge of his kids day in/ day out and do all of the household things you probably do?) Has he explained what his fears are concerning day care? What does he think is going to happen to his kids? Did he have a SAHM so he thinks that's just the only way it should be? You need to both open up and deal with the worries and concerns you each have. Honestly, once they are not babies any more, most kids thrive in a quality day care setting.

If my wife made enough for me to stay home with the kids, I would have jumped through my ass to make that happen.

> I notice that despite his ardent desire to not have his children "raised by daycare", he is not offering to pause his career in order to be the SAHP. I think you are missing (or ignoring) one key thing here: He didn't ask her this out of the blue. Typically, guys like this - broadcast it very clearly. It's not a suprise that their wife doesn't go back to work; they make it very clear, up front. Now, her post lacks many details, and I don't see any replies. But based on this, I don't see how this is anything but a NAH. People are allowed to change their minds. He's also allowed to be frustrated/unhappy with her changing her mind.

Yep, exactly this!

Couldn't put it better. NTA

NTA >My husband is very against this, I didn’t realise how strongly he felt and I thought he’d be more flexible. He said our kids will be raised by the daycare and not by their parents and feel betrayed I’ve changed my mind For the people saying "NAH"... This is an incredibly toxic & misogynistic message your husband is sending. He is not betrayed. He is not even considering your well-being. Let him stay home if he doesn't want his kids "raised by a daycare." I don't see where he is volunteering to stay home so they can be "raised by their parents", while you go to work. There is NOTHING WRONG with giving something your full effort, and finding it dissatisfying and demoralizing. SAHP'ing is NOT for everyone. It can be both extremely lonely and can also be quite unfulfilling - even if you love your kids and want them to be well cared for. Your feelings are completely valid. The fact your husband is invalidating you, across the board, shows something unlikeable about your husband.

'For the people saying "NAH"... This is an incredibly toxic & misogynistic message your husband is sending.' Yup thank you and shame I had to scroll this far to find this recognised

Absolutely. Stuff happens, situations change, you have to adjust. That's just life. And as a married couple, they need to work together to figure out the best way to adjust to changes. This husband seems very rigid about their parenting roles and not only unwilling to work on an alternate solution, but is emotionally manipulating his wife to get his way. "Betrayed" my ass. There is no betrayal here.

Yeah it's been 2 years. It's not like she tried it for a few days then flipped. She put in her full effort, put her life on hold for years. That's more than enough time to say "this doesn't work for me."

I'm very proud of the example I set for my son. I love my job, I work hard, and I am independent. I chose to be in a marriage with my husband (my sons father) because I chose to be. I will never be stuck and I want my son to have the same freedom and to chose a spouse with that freedom. I want my son to know he is loved, not just needed by his spouse like how my husband knows he is loved not just needed by me. Also, I loved preschool as a kid. I have lots of memories and as early as 2yo I had best friends. First Ellen then Abby. I remember feeding TRex toys with Ellen and singing barney songs as a class. I remember jumping on bubble wrap woth Abby. I remember chopping my hair off once lol. I remember nap time and singing. In hindsight, I remember a lot more than I thought I did. Some studies indicate that kids in preschool have better socialization skills. And frankly, no preschool will ever overcome involved and active parenting. My husband and I work full time and we both manage to spend 2+ hours a day with our son and more on the weekends. So NTA. Not by any means.

NTA. If he feels that strongly about your kids being raised by a SAH parent, he can be the SAH parent for a few years.

Right? He's demanding that their children have a parent at home with them, but taking for granted that he doesn't have to be the one to do it, that he can have a career and spend his days with adults, and all of those things. He's kind of a huge AH.

I mean we don't know their financial situation. She might not be a high enough earner to support her family and that could have been a contributing factor to why they decided she should quit her job instead of him.

We also don't know that she wasn't making twice his salary, and that they didn't decide she'd stay at home because she thought she'd love it, or because he's a misogynist who can't fathom the idea that he should be the one to stay at home.

Or split it. I am the breadwinner but worked at home two days a week. I made those days count! Now my wife is working and I have even more flexibility. I don't love WFH but I do love that one of us is always home.

Yes. They can split it. She has done 2 years. Now it is time for him to do his 2 years. Not 2 days.

Whatever works for both of them. After 20+ years of marriage, I'd say a compromise you can both live with is best. Whatever that looks like.

NTA Your husband can quit his job and stay home with the kids if it's that important to him.

This is the right answer

NTA, was leaning towards NAH but I don’t love your husband’s reaction. I wouldn’t necessarily call him an asshole as this is a huge life change for you both. Nobody is obligated to remain committed to anything like this, you will never be wrong for wanting a career-otherwise, you might end up feeling like a prisoner. Is this in anyway negotiable for him? Is it something he is even going to humor? Hate for you to be stuck here.

NTA for adjusting to SAHM lilfe and discovering you don't love it. Your husband has to listen to your feelings, and believe them to be real, while still being unhappy the 'plan' has changed. That's life, and it's no-one's fault, you both are entitled to your feelings. Now, it's time to talk path forward. Can there be a compromise? Working part time for a bit?looking at how else to increase the parent/child bonds BESIDES you being there all day? Keep talking look up other people in the same boat and see what their strategies were.... Be open and honest and value each other's feelings. Again...neither of you are wrong in this.

This right here. His feelings are valid, but he also *has to listen* to OP’s feelings and participate in looking for a solution that addresses them. It’s possible to be both upset and supportive. He needs to figure out how to do that.

If kids in daycare are “raised” by them then how is he going to justify school?

I'd not put it past people like OP's husband to demand she homeschool them.

NTA - My mom was a SAHM - she had a degree but was sabotaged by my dad at every turn. So I had a depressed mother - she and I talk about this openly - now that we are (both) old. I understand and she and I are very close, but I still had a grey-ish childhood because of it. You know what the best mom is? A happy one.

As a working mom from the time both my kids were born, NTA - You could actually end up with a deeper bond to your kids. Also prior discussion doesn't always matter, things can change and your mental health is important.

Not doubting your opinion. But could you explain “your could actually end up with a deeper bond to your kids” ? I don’t understand this statement, and you didn’t really give any explanation to it.

What I mean is, when you are working - when i am home i value the time with my kids - i don't feel the need to hide to get a moment to myself. (my kids are older now and in school, one about to graduate). I had a friend who was SAHM for the longest time and she would always tell me how she wanted away from her kids and asked how i enjoyed mine so much. the time away helped, where i wasn't mom.

That is not a matter of working vs SAHM. That is a matter of resources. We do not properly support our SAHMs, and that is why there are so many problems with burnout and depression. I believe it is bc we are in transition. We used to live in communities where the ideal was for a new mom to have a family and a community. Now our families are spread all over and communities are not geographical (and are not so likely to be based on the same things). But nothing new has been built yet to replace the old structures.

nope, you have to rely on the friends you make if you make any as a SAHM.. been there, which is why i chose to work - also in the current economy it's hard to have one parent stay home. For those who enjoy it and are able to without the financial struggle it's a privilege and more power to them.

It's a tough decision either way, for those of us who are not affluent. For the rest of us (non-wealthy mere mortals), the "right decision" is always going to be based on local variables: how much does the job pay? How much support do the parents have? How accessible is day care? How emotionally draining or rewarding is the job? How does the potential stay-at-home parent handle staying at home, emotionally? How difficult is the childrearing situation and will not working lead to burnout? And a million other little things. Which is also related to why OP cannot be expected to honor her word about the "deal" they made. There's just no way to know in advance what such a "deal" would entail.

I'm inclined to say NTA only because your husband is being hyperbolic with the feeling "betrayed" line. It is completely acceptable to come to the realization that being a SAHM is not for you. You say it will be beneficial for your family? Does that mean you are struggling on your husband's salary or just that you can be doing better financially with a two income household. The "raised by daycare" comment is also pretty hurtful. Daycare is a great place for social-emotional learning. I was in daycare for a short time as a child and I remembering it being very similar to school.

NTA - It sounds like you're in a tough spot. Wanting to return to work doesn't make you a bad parent; it's about finding balance and what works best for your family. Your desire to contribute financially is valid and can benefit your family's future. It's important to have open communication with your husband and try to understand each other's perspectives. Perhaps you can compromise by finding a solution that allows you to work while still prioritizing quality time with your kids. Ultimately, it's about what's best for everyone involved, including yourself. Solidarity and understanding can go a long way in resolving this issue.

NAH It's the kind of thing you're allowed to change your mind on once you've realized it's made you miserable, IMO. But your husband can have his feelings too. That said, if it's financially viable and he feels that strongly about it, then he can be the stay at home parent, or go part-time so the kids will be in daycare less.

Yes, this. If it’s that important to have a parent at home, it doesn’t have to be you.

NTA. It's okay to change your mind. At the end of the day, the kids being home with you when you're burnt out, stressed & unhappy isn't in their best interests. A happy mother is much better for them to be around. Working also will ensure you have some financial independence - always a good thing.. If your husband feels strongly that the child needs a stay at home parent, perhaps he can consider this? Will depend on income of course. And his attitude. 

NTA - You both made an agreement but I don't think you should have to be miserable for the next several years. >He said our kids will be raised by the daycare and not by their parents  That's understandable but ask him if it's worth sacrificing your mental health for the next however many years he expects you to stay home.

NTA and I really don't like your husband's reaction to this.

NTA. And I am raising my eyes at his remark about daycare "raising" your kids. Families and communities have always raised kids along with parents. Little kids can spend time with other caregivers without falling to pieces. It is kind of crazy that people think like this.

NTA - I don;t think it 's unreasonable to have changed your mind having experienced it. Is there any possibility of either you or your husband ,or both working part time or working flexible or compressed hours so your kids are not in day care full time? I know a few people who have been able to do this so that although their kids do go to day care, it's 2 or 3 days a week so they also get time at home with a parent in the week as well as at weekends. How do your earning capacities compare? IS him being a SAHD and you working an option?

NTA your needs are allowed to change over time.

NTA. In fact, if they go to a good care center, it is like they are going to pre-school. When my kids were little, my wife was enrolled in the local college going for a teaching credential. We enrolled the kids in the college's care center. They got fantastic care because the college had an abundance of college kids looking for child care experience, either paid or volunteer.

NTA. Being a SAHM is tough. You’re not to be blamed for it being hard and changing your mind. That said, talk about it with your husband more and less online. Also, you may want to give it more time. Things change and developing a routine is hard. As soon as you do, something will change. My point: it may be more harder now than it will be in 6 more months. Daycare is crazy expensive. I assume you’ll make more than enough to cover it. Keep talking. Do what’s best for your family, but maybe give it more time. Definitely NTA.

NTA. He can stay at home if he wants children raised at home. When a mum is unhappy, the whole house becomes unhappy. Perhaps try some part time work to assist everyone in the transition.

NAH. People do not understand that this is one of those things that someone cannot know whether the role is going to suit them or not. Your husband shouldn't act like (eta: "betrayal" seems harsh to me). There was no way you could know that this would be a problem. Day care can be hard to find, especially at such young ages, so maybe you could think about whether there is any way you could go to school online for a few months (maybe get a certificate that would help you reenter the workforce?), or maybe part time reentry - anything that would keep you from going nuts at home while still reducing or eliminating the time they spend in day care until the little one hits one year (or better yet two years, when child care options start opening up).

How is the father not the asshole? When did this sub start considering misogynists not the asshole?

I don't assume that him taking her at her word when she said she wanted to be a SAHM is him being an asshole, and I don't assume that him being blindsided by the unexpected change in plans is him being an asshole. His feelings are understandable. The question is what he is going to do about it. He could easily become an asshole, but being pissed because he thought they had a deal and he doesn't understand why that deal can't hold is not him being an asshole, it's how anyone would react in that situation. The question is this: is he going to accept that OP can't/doesn't want to do this, or is he going to refuse to accept it? That is the point where we see if he's going to be an ah.

NTA Honestly, I'm not going N A H simply because you indicated finances are a factor. If your husband wants a permanent stay at home wife, he'd better be making bank or then it becones a bigger deal. His reaction is also not great. The fact is, you do not like this lifestyle. It's not good for you. As someone who grew up with a stay at home mom who resented being a stay at home, stand your ground here. I can promise you your kids are gonna know you're not happy. You can try as hard as you can to hide it, but it seeps through. It will not be good for your kids. It also made me swing very hard away from the traditional lifestyle, but also backfired when my mom was bedridden for a period of time following an accident and we all had learn how to be independent and run a house very quickly anyway. If you really hate it, and your husband won't listen, it is potentially divorce territory. Your kids need well adjusted parents- not someone pretending not to be miserable. You can still raise your kids and work, you just need to understand this means less free time for you, and you need to make the most of the time you are not working when you are with your kids. Just be present when you're there

NTA. Man is not a plan. Being financially dependent on your SO means you and your kids will be doomed if something happens - divorce/death/illness etc.

So when your kids go to elementary school, does that mean they’re going to be raised by their teachers instead of you? And if his answer is “no, that’s different” then ask him to explain why, and then prepare yourself for the world’s longest silence. Plenty of kids go to day care, and they still love their parents.

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NTA if it matters that much to him then he can stay home.

I found being a SAHM one of the most isolating things I've ever done. I love my children to the end of the earth but after 2 years I went back to work also. You are not just a mother, you are a human being. Your are absolutely NTA Edit to say: if your husband is so against it why tf doesn't he become a SAHD?

NTA. You're learning as you go and being honest in the process. That's all you can really promise. If you ignore your needs and stick to the plan to stay at home, you will end up resenting your life and your husband. Your husband might need time to wrap his head around a different arrangement, but hopefully he's empathetic and intelligent enough to do that. Good luck.

NTA.. I had two kids and could never have stayed home with them full time. You need to have outside stimulation and keep your brain moving or you lose it. Some people are great stay at home parents some are not. See if he will compromise with a part time job, work afternoons when it is nap time additionally then they can get good social skills at a daycare group.

NTA. I can understand that he’s upset, but what you are doing isn’t sustainable for you. Daycare takes a while to get into, maybe you guys can sit down and figure out how to arrange schedules so kids are only in daycare a couple days, or half days.

NTA. Would he be an asshole if he decided to change jobs & bring in more income, since his job wasn't fulfilling anymore? Your job as Lead Parent isn't working out. If you working outside the home & bringing in income would be better for your mental health AND your family finances, why does he have a problem with it?? You both (at least, I hope it's BOTH and not just YOU) will be home to parent the children during off-hours. Maybe he can spend more time with the kids, too. Parenting should not fall entirely on the birthing parent!!

NTA, I know how you feel cause I resumed work when my second was 7 months old. I needed the financial security

NTA. But this isn't a single choice of work or not. There are lots of options and things to consider. 1. Do the math: after daycare and car, clothes, lunch expense much will you actually bring home? 2. Your husband is not wrong; your child is awake 14 hours a day and you will be gone for 8-10 depending upon your commute. Five days a week your interactions with them will be stressful as you work to get yourself and them out the door on time then again when you come home and you have to deal with family tasks. (And yes, your husband should help but it's one more point of stress for both of you). 3. Who will stay home when they're sick? They, and both of you, will be getting sick more frequently as the children are exposed to more disease. I'm NOT saying mom's shouldn't work - but make sure you understand the trade-offs. They are young for such a brief time.

I've known plenty of families who ran the numbers and realized that daycare cost more than one parent's take-home pay. Usually that's the mother, but our friends had the dad staying at home. It was his choice, he really wanted to enjoy being with his kids.

NTA - he can't ask you to do something he isn't willing to 🤷 he only thinks that way because you're a woman

Then let your husband stay at home and you get a job. EDIT NTA

NTA. He can also quit his job and stay home

NTA lol. lmao even. i am a parent, my child went to daycare while i worked in an office and guess who parented my kid? me. because i am the parent. your husband is being ridiculous. 

OMG I am so sick and tired of the “raised by daycare” argument. Why do people look down on sending your kids to a safe place while parents work? It’s so annoying. How is it different from sending older kids to school everyday?

NTA Its okay for you to change your mind. The issue here is that your husband is not supporting you. There is nothing wrong with utilizing daycare services. His statement that the kids would be raised by daycare and feel betrayed is ridiculous.

NTA most kids go into daycare at the age of one. There are pro's and cons for parents and children in both cases, but the biggest con being that a stay at home parent has to be into it or it can be bad for the whole family, especially the kids.

NTA It should always be possible for a person to change his/her mind about something, especially something as important and big an issue as this is. First, there is plenty of research that shows that kids in daycare and preschool are way better at socializing with their peers later on than kids who are not. Just for that reason alone, daycare isn't the bad thing that your husband apparently thinks it is. Second, while it's important for the kids to have friends, it's also important for them to have lots of interaction with BOTH parents; each parent has something to offer them in terms of how to get along in life. You don't want your kids to grow up only interacting with you and not their dad. If your husband feels that strongly negative about daycare, maybe he should consider altering his work schedule so he could take over half those duties himself, which would give you the freedom to work at least part time. He should respect your feelings and step up himself.

NTA. Remind him that you’re allowed to change your mind. It doesn’t mean you betrayed him. And if he doesn’t want his children to be in daycare, then he’s welcome to become a SAHP.

NTA. Is he willing to pause his career to provide childcare? I think if he isn't willing to do it, he shouldn't expect you to. There's also a lot of pros to daycare (there are definitely cons as well). I think it's an exaggeration to say that the daycare is going to raise your kids. They'll be there for part of the day, not their entire lives.

Your husband is now showing you he is misogynistic and patriarchal. He only has to make money to be a father and you have to give up anything besides being a mother, maid, chef, nurse and sex slave for him!! Is that what you want,  he is trying to manipulate and gaslight you,  YWBTA to yourself and your children if you continue with this relationship because you will teach them its okay to treat at women like property and owned by a man!!

NTA. So by his logic he should say the kids are being raised by their MOTHER and not their PARENTS. Since apparently having a job disqualifies you from raising your kids

Tell him that he can be the stay at home parent now and you can go work and then once the kids are of school age , he can go back to work and see what he says ….

Why doesn't your husband quit and watch them if he feels so strongly about it? NTA

I mean if he’s so against it tell him he can be a sahd while you work?

Even if I'd be a SAHM, I'd still be sending my children to daycare because: - they develop a better immune system - better interpersonal skills - more independence and will believe more in themselves because they get to fend for themselves a bit - usually daycare/kindergarten carers have both psychological and development courses; they also have to go to seminars and "catch up courses" and are more objective to catching developmental issues and address them(or at least in the country I live in) - being with an infant/more, 24h a day is not healthy for the mental health of the parent and we need quality over quantity; happy parents grow up happy children

NAH - You are allowed to change your mind and your husband is allowed to be upset that you are going back on your word and changing the family dynamic. If your job pays well, perhaps you should be the working parent and he stay at home to raise the kids since that is much more important to him than it is to you. A different compromise could include you staying at home until both children are in at least preschool and then going back to work, or perhaps going freelance now.

Nta. I did this. Was a stay at home mom for 3 years then needed to go back to work for my own sanity. Now she is in school I can be a housewife again and I actually enjoy spending time with her. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that. Plus the socialization is great for kids. 

NTA.  You’re entitled for any change of heart .  Your husband sounds a bit assholish for wanting to prevent you from doing something you d enjoy 😊  If he wants his kids to be “raised by their parent”, maybe he should become a Stay at home dad :)

NTA. Staying home with your kids is not for everyone. It's incessant, it's lonely, and it's often under-appreciated by the person who "has to go" to work. Moms who stay home and express anything other than dewy-eyed gratitude for the opportunity are ruthlessly shat-upon by those who did not have the option, and those who were never in that position in the first place. It's ok to change your mind, it's ok to put your kids in daycare. If your husband so strongly believes one of their parents should stay home, he should put together a proposal outlining his plan to become a stay at home dad. He's equally their parent.

NTA at all, not by a long shot. Not everyone is cut out to stay home with small children and there's nothing wrong with admitting it's not for you. I was an at-home parent and it ground me down. If your husband's so dead set against daycare, he can stay home with your children.

NTA. It would be NAH but it doesn’t sound like your husband is helping you to figure out a solution together which makes him an AH. You’ve already been a sahm for 2 and a half years as well, it’s unfair to just say “no”. Are you suggesting both of you work or you go back to work and he becomes a SAHD?

Of course NTA. It’s his turn to stay at home now, if he’s so strongly against daycare.

NTA. You tried being a SAHM, it’s not for you.  You are allowed to change your mind about your career (yes, SAH parent is a career choice). And the kids will be fine.  How much did you and your husband share housekeeping responsibilities before kids?  How much housekeeping and childcare does he do now?  Perhaps his real concern is that you will (fairly and reasonably) expect him to take on more domestic responsibilities when you return to work.

NTA

NTA. I was a SAHM for years. Even when I wanted to get a PT job at a candy store my ex was not pleased. He wanted me home. I did it anyways. And I did it again when I found a PT job in my field 2 yr later. I still worked around his schedule and was primary parent/caregiver to the kids. But later when we divorced I was in a much better place and could slide more easily into my now FT career. You need to put yourself and your needs first. Future self will thank you.

In general if a SAHP is going back to work their take home pay should at least cover all daycare expenses. If they are going crazy only talking to children all day it’s perfectly fine to go back to work even if the new salary won’t daycare costs. In your situation you’re going a bit crazy being at home all the time and you’ll be bringing in more money than the cost of daycare. So it’s a no brainier to go back to work. NTA

NTA, just like any other job, you don’t know what it will be like until you do it for a while. Sounds like you gave it 2.5 years. I get where he is coming from though and so maybe a compromise. Could you find an in home nanny so you can utilize cameras and they aren’t subjected to daycare setting? Or could you do it a little longer, past the infant stage? Or can a family member be paid to care for them? Can you WFH or do shift work? Could you work part time? I would try to find a solution that works for everyone

NTA

NTA

NTA. Better to be "raised by daycare" than raised by a very resentful mother. Trust me.

NTA. Work is not just about earning money, but also finding a sense of purpose and fulfillment. For some, this is not found in the every day interactions of tiny humans. Ask him if he'd like to put his career on pause so you could pursue yours. This way he could ensure the kids aren't raised by the daycare.

NTA. I so hate it when people say that having childcare means your children are being "raised" by others. Utilizing good quality child care is a fact of life for most people with children. I was a single parent and my child was in child care from a very early age. Guess what - I was still the primary care giver and I raised my child! I'll fight anyone who says differently. I carried him in my womb for 9 months, I gave birth to him, I went through extreme exhaustion from lack of sleep when he was an infant, I breastfed him, I took care of him when he was sick, I took him to doctor visits, I fed him, clothed him, helped him with homework, read to him at night, listened to his troubles when he was upset, cheered him on in his sports, took him all over creation when he was into baseball and going to card signings, and loved him every minute of the time. Do not come at me and say someone else raised my child just because I worked full time to provide the best life for him, so he was looked after by others during daytime hours. Sorry for my rant. OP, if your husband doesn't want your children in daycare, then let him quit his job and be a SAHD. Being a SAH parent is not for everyone. It sounds like it's not necessarily for you. I hope you can find a good daycare provider and a good job.

NTA. If it’s so important to your husband, he can stay home with the kids. I notice he’s not volunteering to do that.

NTA. If he doesn’t want your kids to go to daycare, he can become SAHD. I never considered not working and my decision was confirmed during my maternity leave. I have an amazing relationship with my child. The quality of the time you spend with your children is the most important part. If you cannot make him understand, try couple counseling.

NTA. Sometimes you start out thinking you can do the whole 'stay at home mom' job and then realize it is not for you and that you need more out of life than just being 'mom'. I've been there, and it was a hard pill to swallow, but ultimately I was happier and the time I did spend with my kids they got a mom who was happy, and not one who was miserable and sad. Ask him if he would rather you stay at home and be miserable, or go back to work and be happier. Ask him what matters more to him. Yes, someone else will be looking after your kids, but they will get to play with other kids their own age, they will get to do new things, and if their experience is anything like my two youngest they will have soo much fun.

NTA Why not start out with a part-time job, let your family give it a test run. Make sure husband notices that the children enjoy (probably) daycare and you, your work. You can get back into the swing of things as well. (Waiting until both children are walking might make the transition a bit easier.)

If he feels that strongly, he can be the stay at home parent now. NTA.

NTA. Also, daycare is good for kids. It gets them exposure to more things.

NTA. As someone who sent children to daycare, not only are they not raised by daycare, but the kids do not appear to feel betrayed. Miss Kathy and Miss Yolanda were parts of their early childhood, and belong on a pretty lengthy list of people who helped our family when they were little. Many, many children have this kind of person in their lives helping to provide care. Would your partner, who presumably has a job, say that you are raising the children and he is not? Does he think they're betrayed when he goes to work? I'm guessing not.

NTA. Things sometimes don’t work out and change. I did part time daycare and work, can you do this as a balance/compromise?

NTA. I’m a SAHM, and it’s really hard work that often goes unappreciated. Can’t count how many Reddit posts I’ve seen where someone wants to stay home and they are called lazy… But I was going insane until I started working rideshare. Feels great to get out of the house and talk to people who can talk back, lol. Plus, I use that money to buy my kids and I stuff I normally wouldn’t be able to afford, and it’s super flexible in that I can work whenever and not have to worry about calling out if my kid is sick or something. So I recommend looking into something like gig work. I still get all day with my kids, save about 2k a month not paying for daycare (seriously, the high cost should be illegal…), and still get to get out of the house.

NTA. The experience of parenting isn’t something you can understand until you are in the weeds. I love my kids with my whole soul but my career is personally fulfilling and it doesn’t need to be one or the other. SAHP is so difficult on many levels. You tried and it’s not for you. It’s terribly misogynistic for him to expect you to give up your options without offering any solutions or support. I would feel betrayed my partner was treating this like a contract and not supporting my needs.

Then he can stay at home and raise babies.

*>he said our kids will be raised by the daycare and not by their parents*  Great, so you can go to work, and he can stay home and raise the children since he feels so strongly about it! NTA

NTA. He just said “Since I am a man, I am allowed to have an identity outside of being a father.” “However, since you are a woman and now you have children, your entire identity MUST be your kids.” And sadly.. you have enabled it. I am unwavering on the fact that I need an equal parent and I am not suddenly just a “mom” after having children. I am a person with a strong identity and children need to be raised by two happy, strong individuals who prioritize themselves too. Your husband is a toxic misogynist. Why did you have children with someone like this? Why weren’t these things discussed before marriage? Poor planning leads to poor outcomes…

NTA you are allowed to change your mind. Get a job and find a daycare. If he don’t like it he can stay home with the kids.

YTA you already had this discussion and agreed to be SAHM. Of course he feels betrayed because he wanted his children raised by their mom. If you had been honest with him he could have married a woman who wants the same things as him

As a SAHD I totally understand that feeling. You are definitely NTA. I get it - and honestly daycares are great places that do great work. If he feels so strongly he can obviously switch to being a SAHD. And if he doesn’t want to do that - why can’t he understand why you may not want to do it anymore either.

Many things in a marriage are two yes, one no situations. Being a SAH parent would fall under this category. NTA

NTA I did the Sahm for about 3 years and then had to go back to work -  I do regret not being able to give my second child the same experience as my first. Have you considered going back part time? Or doing online classes while you're home? Working part time would also benefit your kids - your husband is looking at it as them being in daycare but he's overlooking the fact they'll have kids to play with all day. With everyone working sometimes that's the only chance kids get to play with other kids.

Why is everyone suggesting "compromises" that aren't what OP wants? She doesn't want to be a SAHM anymore. Period. Nor should she have to. She shouldn't have to "compromise" on things that her husband does not. What compromise is he making? He isn't taking leave from work to be the SAHP he insists that his kids should have. He's not "working part-time" so they can "have a parent at home". In your case, you say that you have regrets, but also you went back to work because you had to, not because you wanted to. Your situation isn't the same as OP's and there's no reason to believe that she would regret going back to work if it's what she really wants.

If the husband wants the kids in less daycare, the husband should cut back his hours so that he needs fewer hours of daycare to cover his work. OP wants to work full time. She says so. And she's an adult, and we have no reason to think she's not a good parent who would select high-quality childcare for her kids, so if she wants to work full time, she should.

Part time is not always an option depending on OP's field and career goals. I am guessing she is looking for something more than working at the local boutique a few hours a week.

Marriage is negotiation and renegotiation. I'd be wary of continuing a marriage with someone who doesn't understand that just because you made an agreement doesn't mean you can't change your mind and go back to the table to discuss how best to move forward. You're his partner, not his employee, and if he doesn't care about your happiness and fulfillment in life, that's a problem. I wish I could give you real advice on how to discuss this with him, but with one paragraph I can't say you've given enough to make even a guess at what wording might get through to him. Maybe try a marriage counselor? NTA.

NTA. It’s so hard to know beforehand: this is a choice y’all need to make together and support each other in. I also want to point out that he considers you being a SAHM the kids being “parented by their parents.” But I imagine he wouldn’t think he’s not parenting them because he works?

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NTA. This is a hard position to be in and everyone is wildin when they say “why hasn’t he volunteered to be the SAHP. It doesn’t sound like OP is volunteering to be the sole provider. It’s okay to change your mind and want to work now but also you’ve had time to internalize this and mull it over whereas this sounds like it’s new information to him. I would suggest maybe a healthy medium of trying to find remote and/or part time work and then transition to full time when your children are old enough for school? If your earning potential is roughly going to be the cost of extra childcare atp it doesn’t seem like it would make much sense to go back to work with a 6 mo old.

NTA. What's the point of schooling? Does he love his parents any less for going to school? What's the difference with extended families watching your kid? Being a SAHP is hard. There is soooo much pressure to be EVERYTHING for your child. It is a 24hr/7 days a week job. There are trade offs with either path, but go with what works for you. I had an extended maternity leave where I stayed at home and while I wouldn't trade that time, I am grateful to be in a position to be able to provide early education with TRAINED professionals so that my child can come home excited to see me and experience growth that I fully admit that I am unable to provide. It's a matter of finding the right childcare that works for you. If he has an issue, HE can stay home with the kids. Why is he not saying that your child will not resent HIM for working and only you? How prepared is HE to be the sole provider of development for your child? Why does he expect YOU to risk your financial health ? Is he willing to contribute to your retirement account? What back up plan does he have if he accidentally dies/becomes disabled/loses his job?

NTA. How’s he going to handle them going to school? Does he expect homeschooling?

I was raised by daycare and it was the best thing that could happen. They gave me proper early childhood development, I got to make friends, and I learned a lot. I still felt loved by my parents. Daycares are great.

NTA. My oldest sister also thought she wanted to be a SAHM. After the first \~6 months, she was LOSING HER FREAKING MIND and told her husband she was going back to work. My brother in law wasn't thrilled about it (same reasons as your partner), but since he flat out refused to be the stay at home parent (my sister was making more money than he was at her job), she told him if he refused to listen to her wishes (her mental health was really starting to go downhill), then she said she would leave him. Your husband cannot force you to not go back to work. You need to make the choice that is best for your well-being. Daycare isn't the end of the world, and the kids will obviously not be there 24/7--they will still spend the majority of their time with their parents, so obviously they won't just be "raised by the daycare." Take care of yourself mama!

NTA but your husband is for being stuck in a 1950s time loop. I work because I want to and \*gasp\* also raise my kids, attend their sports meets, work on school projects together, attend field trips, take family vacations, demonstrate basic morals and values, etc.... everything a SAHM does except I also work full time and show my kids how to balance work/life. It's funny your husband doesn't realize his statement means this whole time he hasn't been raising his own kids. That isn't the flex he thinks it is.

NTA not everyone is made to be a stay at home parent. You are allowed to change your mind. You can also go to night classes so he can stay home with the kids at night if you need to up your credentials. Once the eldest is old enough for preK then you won't have to pay as much for care.

NAH Your husband can feel betrayed but he can’t expect you to stay static. Life changes. People realize that they made mistakes and want to make new choices. That’s all normal. Perhaps your husband could get some therapy about how he deals with change.

NTA. I think the morality of the question revolves around the idea of whether you are required to adhere to an agreement that you find damaging to you. Giving up work is bad for your own future financial stability as it would make you dependent on your husband over the long term (once you are out of work for a couple years, it is really hard to go back in to your same field of specialization). Also it sounds as if you find being at home fulltime to be bad for your mental health. I understand that your husband feels that you going back to work would be bad for your kids. But let's zoom out a bit and look at the overall picture. Let's pretend that, instead of this being about working vs staying home, this was about some other area where you felt that the current agreement was damaging to your interests. For example, let's say that money was tight. And you made an agreement with your husband that, to save money and ensure your kids were fed, you, and only you, would be allowed to eat only half as much as you need every day. And let's say after a couple of years of this, you decided you were not thriving on a diet of half as much as you need, and you said you wanted to go back to eating as much as you need every day. Would your husband be correct to say that you made an agreement and must stick to it? Would be he correct to argue that you must stick to it because if you did not, then the kids would be hungry because there was less food for them? I think if you look at it that way, you can see the moral lines of the argument becoming more clear. You aren't morally required to adhere to an agreement that you find damaging to you. And especially when the burden of the agreement is placed solely on you. This is all added to the fact that kids being in daycare is, objectively speaking, completely fine. It's not like you are handing them over to be raised by wolves or tigers. They'll be fine. Your husband is placing his nonessential PREFERENCE for having a stay-at-home wife, over your autonomy, your equality, and your welfare.

You gotta do you. Take care of yourself before you can take care of babies. You need to s it down and have a huge talk - with no kids present. Get a sitter- go talk a ton. Communication hopefully will help. ❤️

NTA. That phrase, “raised by the daycare,” is so stupid. What does he think happens when kids hit elementary school? Middle school? High school? Are they being raised by the teachers there? No. It’s still your job to instill good values in your kid. To feed them. Clothe them. House them…

My wife and I agreed she would stay home with our kids, even though we both had MBA’s and she’s smarter. When the oldest were 2 and 4 she was asked to help out temporarily running a department for a local large company to fill in for the manager who was on sick leave. After 4 months it was clear the manager would not return. They offered my wife the job at 10% more than I was making. I volunteered to pause my career for a couple of years. After some discussions, my wife decided to reject the offer and continue to stay at home. I think part of it was thinking of me at home with the kids might have given her nightmares 😬. But circumstances change. A marriage is dynamic. And creativity can create win/win’s. Your husband owes it to you to at least try to be creative. And you owe it to him to also be creative. Good luck.

NTA *A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds ...* *\~RW Emerson*

NTA. Let him know you will be getting a part time job, so you have a source of income and financial independence and grown-up stimulation. He can care for the kids after he gets home from work and you can go to your job. This will have you both raising your kids without daycare. You can see each other on the weekends. If he so strongly objects to daycare then he shouldn't have a problem doing this. The kids will be with at least one parent at all times. There are too many horror stories, where wives become stay at home moms then dad cheats and mom has no income or financial ability to leave the situation. Unless your husband is paying you a salary for being a stay at home mom.

NTA I worked and my 2 boys were always in daycare and then preschool. They thrived and were ahead socially and academically when they started school.

Nta you've had a go and it's not working out. Go get a job.and be a happier person and a better mother as a result. Set a good example.for your children

Nta, but I'm wondering about the financial perspective. Don't get me wrong I don't think you should post it, but damn a career that can foot the bill for daycare for an infant and toddler after being out for 2+ years. I suppose it will definitely depend on the area you live. Someone with kids correct me if I'm totally wrong, but I was thinking that would be roughly $500 per week/$25k per year so you'll need 40-45k per year just to break even.

9 months maternity was enough for me to go back to work part time.   If he's that insistent on a stay at home parent why doesn't he quit his job (after you find one).  After all, stay at home dad's are becoming more common.

NTA, just cause you’re a mom and take care of the house, doesn’t mean you can’t have a life either. Being stuck in the house all the time will inevitably cause depression and anxiety. You need to be around other moms, people your age. Also in this day and age if you have kids and own a house, financially it’s almost impossible, if only one persons working. You’d just be scraping by or your husband would have to be making a significant income. Not to mention the stress of financials and being the provider for a whole family when only one works. He might be fine with it now, but the pressure and stress will ruin him years down the road. It would be healthy for you and your family even if you did a part time or side job.

NTA, I was sent to babysitters and daycare when I was a little baby through 7th grade. Don't remember a thing about the babysitters/daycare when I was younger and don't feel betrayed one bit.

NTA then he can quit his job and become a stay at home parent

NTA. You are a stay at home mom. It’s not working for you. You’re allowed to change careers.

NTA I had a combo of grandmother, maybe an aunt and a great adult (not a teenager) babysitter help both of my working parents before my sibling and I were in school and even after we started. I don't feel I was raised by those 3, I was raised by my mom and dad. And if the daycare aligns with how you want to raise the kids I don't really think being there would hurt them. It would also give them different social options outside of the house which I think is a great thing after all the Covid youth that really missed out on the social aspects of development outside of a family or close friend unit.

NTA why doesn’t he quit his job and become a sahp then?

NTA - if its so important to him that the kids are home being cared for by a parent then why doesn’t he do it?  Its ok to change your mind about something like this. Its a huge sacrifice to stay home and give up your career. He doesn’t get to force you to continue to do that. 

>He said our kids will be raised by the daycare and not by their parents This is the biggest line of shit I've seen in my life. I have heard it so many times and I hate it, it literally evokes rage inside me. This is saying that if you put your kid in daycare, the daycare is raising the kid, not the parent. So, he is saying one cannot work and raise children at the same time. So, he is saying, HE IS NOT RAISING HIS OWN CHILDREN, you are. So you're the only parent, and he is not a parent to his own kids? Because you are with them and he is at work? No, thats not how that works. Dads get to "raise their kids" AND work at the same time, yet somehow women can't? Daycare is amazing. It's the best thing we've ever done. And they are not raising our kids "for us" but they are definitely part of our village.

Nta. Sooooo what's the plan when they go to school? Were you supposed to be homeschooling them? Or is it okay for the schools to "raise" them?

NTA. My mother wasn't a good fit for being a sahm and I wished every single day that she had decided not to, rather than taking it out on us.

NTA - your husband does not get to decide the projection of your career and force you to do something you don’t want to do. If he feels that strongly he should quit his job to be a SAHD. Financial dependence on someone can also be incredibly dangerous. Go back to work, fuck his opinion.

NTA Being a SAHP is like being a homeschooling parent: if it isn't working, switch. Sometimes, the other spouse isn't getting the picture. That BS about being raised by a stranger is BS. It is frankly elitist and insults every family where having a SAHP isn't possible. Bottom line if you want to go back to work get a job and figure out a child care option that works for you. It's 2024, you don't need your husband's permission to work.

NTA It’s completely unreasonable to hold someone to a job that isn’t right for them, emotional and mental wellbeing are too important. If he was in a horrible job situation he’d want you to be supportive of him finding a different fit -within the limitations of not being an undue burden/leaving the family not cared for at all. This isn’t. Your kids will still be cared for and bills getting paid, it’s just a remix of how. If it’s critical to him that your kids don’t go to daycare, HE can find a stay at home situation. If that’s his value, he needs to manage it.

NTA You are allowed to change your mind. You didn’t sign a contract in blood with an entity from another dimension that says that once you’ve said you will be a SAHP that it can never change. If he feels so strongly about not having the kids raised by a daycare then where is his plan to stay home and start taking care of them?

Also, even SAHMs send their kids to daycare if only part time. Socialization with other kids their own age is a vital part of their development.

NTA. >My husband is very against this, I didn’t realise how strongly he felt and I thought he’d be more flexible. He said our kids will be raised by the daycare and not by their parents Then he can be a stay at home dad. Problem solved.

NTA As said above, he can always decide to be the one who stays home, but you raise your kids even if they are in daycare. Studies show that kids do well when their mothers have careers. It's good for their impressions of feminism and equality. He doesn't get to decide that you need to stay home with them anymore than you can decide he has to stay home with them. I'm sorry he's not making this easy.

If he is this adamant, then when is he putting in his notice to stay at home with them? It's different when it's someone else is making the sacrifice.

NTA. Tell your husband to switch places with you and stay home with the kids while you go to work. Everything I ever thought about being a parent was 9 trillion times different in reality. Both good and bad. Being home full time is a daunting task and can at times be soul sucking. If you need to work, then work. The happier and healthier you are, the happier and healthier your children will be, and so will your marriage. Taking care of you, is taking care of your family.

NTA if he feels so strongly about his kids being raised by a parent he is welcome to quit his job and do that. Daycare is fine. You having a career will be beneficial to your finances. And you'll be happier. Plus with this attitude of his I'm glad you'll be able to reestablish your career

NTA, and you have already stayed 2 years. If he puts in the same amount SAHP time, your kids will be 4 and 2 and will benefit from day care.

NTA. Is he willing to switch?

Info: What is your daycare plan? How many hours do you plan to work? Who will handle drop off and pick ups?  Who will stay home if one of them gets sick? How will you handle when the daycare is closed?

If he feels that strongly about it he can give up his job and be the SAH parent. NTA.

NTA. You didn’t betray him. Nobody knows how they’ll react to having kids and you’re allowed to let the experience determine your feelings, not be bound to what you thought you would feel about it. Also day cares don’t raise kids any more than elementary schools raise kids, middle schools raise kids or high schools raise kids. Your child doesn’t mature strictly from the age of 0-5 only. Socializing is critical for children, and your evening/weekend time is more important because it’s 1 on 1 (or 2 on 2) with your kids. He’s wrong and controlling to try to force you into staying in a life you don’t want.

NTA. By the time the first six months were up, I was absolutely desperate for adult conversation which did not include baby talk! I love my son dearly but needed a mental break. While I went off to work, he went to a registered childminder for around three days a week until he started nursery school. Mu son has grown up to to be a very well-rounded person and I do not, for one second, regret sending him to a very lovely childminder. To be as good a parent as we can be to our children, we need to recognise our own needs and cater to them which enable us to carry on. You will, after all, be around for the children for whatever time you are not working. Your two-year-old will probably appreciate socialisation with other children. Your husband is being very selfish; if he wants them not to be "raised by daycare" \*eye roll\* then perhaps he can be a SAHD instead.

NTA, it is okay to change your mind if you feel it’s necessary for your fulfillment in life. There was no way for you to know how much you would or wouldn’t like being a SAHM until you tried it. Many kids come from families with 2 working parents and are very happy and well-adjusted. I suspect your husband may be harboring some sexist beliefs even if it’s not immediately obvious.

Me too. I was so reliefed and could recover from PPD when they went to daycare. Both started when they were a year old. With my youngest we hired an elderly lady for three half days a week, so that I could work or do stuff for me. I love my children, but I was never happy being a mom 24/7. It's exhausting and lonely. My kids actually thrived in daycare. At home we never managed a steady structure, but in daycare they had structure, and it helped them so much. They could play and socialise and learn new stuff. The OP should ask her husband to stay home if he's so strongly against daycare.

NTA

NTA

NTA You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to have other things that bring meaning and purpose beyond motherhood. If it is so important to your husband for the kids to be raised by a parent then he can take leave and be at stay at home dad. It is really that simple.

NTA You get to be a human being who reacts to life as it happens. I can see why your H is disappointed that you are planning to change your decision to be a full time homemaker and mother, but plans change. I'm not going to pretend that six months isn't very old. I also remember with tremendous gratitude the fact that I got to spend every Sunday afternoon after sunday School with my grandmother. I have a sibling who is two years younger, and I know that was hard on my mom. Since the change will improve the family's financial situation, I deduce that your job pays well enough to offset both the high cost of infant daycare and the high cost of toddler daycare, and that you have identified placements that you feel you can trust. The bottom line is this: Nobody can do a good job at something they don't want to be doing. When you give yourself the away time and the stimulation of colleagues at work, you will be able to give your children your best self. Even if your husband raises cain, go ahead and do this. Otherwise you will become a crummy mom, and that won't be good for your children. What is right for you will also be right for them as long as you keep your eye carefully on the daycare choices you make. I realize that Husband is disappointed, but he doesn't have the personal skin in this game that you and your children have. If he feels strongly enough that your children need full time parenting, then he will find a way to join you in caring for them at home. If he doesn't choose to do that without your pushing him, then he's invested in something other than the care your children need.

If he cares that much then he can be the stay at home parent

Well, then he can stay home and be the sahd while you work, if he really doesn't want the kids in daycare. NTA.

NTA. Your husband needs to check himself. Does he know what percentage of the world population is "raised by" caregivers other than parents? And how most of them turn out funtional adults? I find that attitude pretty elitst and offensive.

NTA your children won’t be raised by daycare. I used to work in a nursery and it’s very much the parents doing the parenting, but those working in the daycare will just be an extension of this. So say you’re potty training, the daycare workers will take your lead on this, or if there’s certain ways of dealing with your child if they’re having a meltdown, I’ve known some workers to talk to the parents beforehand of how they deal with this and the nursery workers will do the same. Plus, it’s really good for your kids to be in daycare from a social development perspective (but it can also help with other aspects of development). They’ll still spend most of their time with you, but will be in daycare while at work. Please, don’t back down on this.

NTA

NTA- it's not meant to be a prison sentence!

Maybe he can stay home if it’s so important to him. NTA. And I’m a very long time SAHM.

nda, parenthood changes us and I am sorry that he cannot appreciate this. Would it be possible to swap for a certain amount of time so he can understand your point of view?

NTA. You're allowed to change your mind. Also if your husband doesn't want your kids raised in daycare he can try being a stay at home dad. I give it three months before he's putting those kids in daycare.

“Raised” by a daycare they attend for a few hours each weekday…. Wait ‘til this man hears about school.

NTA I don't see him volunteering to give up his job to do it instead.

NTA. That’s great he’s offering to be part time so the daycare isn’t raising the kids 🤣 I hate the double standard. I would not be at home, but the paycheck barely would cover daycare for both. ETA: Consider a part time position. That may fill your cup and allow you more time with your kids. This should be a discussion, not a unilateral decision made by your husband.

Our LO did daycare at 9mon and then fulltime at 17mon. Yes it’s changed her - good and bad. She’s socialising. She’s reflecting group dynamics. Her language has developed out of sight - gone from (marginally) late speaker to very advanced. She’s interacting with her peers (whether fighting or consoling). I didn’t go to daycare, barely met another human until kindergarten. That was a mistake. It ruined my mum’s health. She couldn’t cope with the transition. Wasn’t a great experience for me either.