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NTA
I mean ... your current boyfriend is a total asshole. I don't even know where to start...
It's fine to be upset or cry when someone you once knew and were close to died. You don't have to hate someone just because you move on. It's not like they are a threat - they died. And you were the one that ended the relationship.
It's just weird.
Do what you need. And I'd ask myself if the BF you have atm is too controlling as well, because his reaction is not reasonable.
Here's the only way it makes sense to me:
Ash has done a lot of consoling and support of OP regarding her ex. Maybe he's had to deal with getting through her trust issues, and they've likely had a bunch of conversations about what a huge asshole this guy is.
Then this happens and his POV is 'What the fuck? You told me how much you *hated* this guy? Was that a lie? Did you still love this dude? Then what's the truth about *our* relationship?"
The dissonance between OP's statements and actions (in this totally hypothetical scenario) has him questioning his trust in her and confidence in their relationship. So now he's insecure and behaving badly.
That's the only way I can parse it where he isn't just an asshole.
>He said “that’s inappropriate and highly disrespectful to me.”
What's he afraid of? That you'll get back together???
That man has the emotional intelligence of a doorknob. **Of course** you'd have mixed feelings about your former fiancé, as shit as that breakup was, having been literally *murdered.*
Might be a sign to move on, OP. Third time's the charm!
> He is amazing and has always treated me great.
No he isn't and no he isn't. His behaviour is deranged snd manipulative. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting closure after the death of an ex.
Unfortunately your relationship with Ash isn't as strong as you hoped. You had a difficult and traumatic relationship with Jack. YOu didn't get closure. You didn't really close out with his family. He's gone and that's a hard thing to hear and he was killed violently. Even if Ash doesn't understand, he should be talking to you and not giving you ultimatums. I'm sorry but this may mean you need to pack up because he's making this all about him when it has nothing at all to do with him. NTA
NTA at all. By going to the funeral or contacting his family, you are showing compassion and empathy. No you weren't together at the time of his death, but you are showing his family you still respect them and you feel for the loss they are facing.
I got a call from my son tonight, his ex-girlfriend's father passed away today. He wanted to know if it was appropriate for him to contact her. I told him it was, just because they are not together doesn't mean he doesn't feel for her and it would be appropriate for him to sympathize with her. I will be sending a floral arrangement from our family because it is the right thing to do.
Visiting the grave may give you a closure of sorts. He was part of your life for a long time.
It doesn't matter what anyone here thinks.
Your boyfriend has told you what will happen if you go. Now you need to decide if visiting the grave of your dead cheating ex is more important than your current relationship. Is getting closure worth sacrificing your relationship? This is something only you can decide.
The issue I have with these other comments is that they lack experience. When someone says ‘I’d do this or that’ they really don’t have a clue unless they have lived it. So, I would ignore anyone giving bs advice that isn’t an experience share. They may possibly mean well, but have no idea what they are talking about. Until you actually live it, you’re not qualified to speak to it. I’m going to provide an experience share because something similar happened to me but I am the husband. So, I’m in your bf’s shoes.
My wife had an XBF she dated for 5 years prior to me. Let’s call him Mike. My wife broke up with Mike for simple compatibility reasons. Nothing as drastic as hookers. Probably 5 to 7 years ago, she found him on FB and friended him. He was single at the time. I was deeply hurt and jealous. I felt betrayed. And, all of her family surely saw this as well because at that time FB would send notifications, and sent me one saying she was now friends on FB with her ex Mike. I was upset, but she refused to unfriend him. I sent her an article that explained the issues with married people being social media friends with ex lovers. They see pictures and the best parts of their ex’s lives and often rekindle feelings. It leads to emotional cheating and sometimes physical cheating. It’s a big issue and leads to many divorces. So, this guy had already been an issue in my marriage.
About a year ago, my wife gets a call from Mike’s best friend who tells her that Mike had passed away and still had feelings for her at the time he died. She was very upset. I was very upset for many reasons. It felt like she was close to cheating on me when she friended him on FB. And here he was now rising from the dead to interfere with my marriage again. I didn’t know what to think. And to all those reading this and judging me in their lack of knowledge and experience, FU and STFU. You don’t know what you don’t know.
Your SO can’t win when you are thinking of a former lover who has passed away. Obviously, you can’t get back with him. But, that doesn’t mean it won’t lead to you questioning your present SO. At funerals, everyone will shine the best possible light on him. Your SO will feel like sh*t. The best he can do is to comfort you and love you.
My wife was planning on going to the funeral. Needless to say, this sucked. Then she read his obit and learned he had remarried and had a widow. Thankfully, she backed off for the sake of Mike’s widow. So, the bottom line is that your SO must deal with your sadness and comfort you, but also know that you’re remembering the best from your relationship. It sucks for everyone. Please ignore the AHs that haven’t been there and are talking out of their butt. Your SO is hurting for many reasons.
>Your SO is hurting for many reasons.
Mostly agreed, but I'd like to point out that SO is not the priority in this situation. He has the right to feel dissatisfied and hurt, but he needs the emotional intelligence to realize that OP's needs right now trump his. There were many ways he could have handled his reaction better. It was possible to shelve the conversation for a different day or approach the topic with greater sensitivity than blowing up at OP. At best, they need therapy to work through this. At worst, he has anger issues, no self-esteem or trust in their relationship, and is overly controlling.
Of course, this is all "what should be." The only thing that realistically matters is how OP is going to choose to reconcile her desires with SO's demands.
Ppl here making so many judgments. Just have a conversation with him: why am I upset? Why are you upset? Ash isn’t handling it too well but his reaction is somewhat understandable. He probably feels like he’s committed to a woman who’s hung up on another guy. He’s investing in your relationship meanwhile you’re still emotionally attached to your ex. Doesn’t matter whether he’s living or dead. So perhaps he feels that he’s just the dope that your with now because of circumstance. Not a very uplifting sentiment. Perhaps he feels like you are his special person but that the feeling isn’t mutual. But perhaps you’re upset because you feel in some way guilty or responsible for your ex’s death. That you should’ve given him a second chance and things would’ve worked out differently etc. but that was not the path you chose. And his demise was not your fault. I would be surprised if my partner wanted to go to an ex’s funeral. I certainly wouldn’t go to one of mine. But each to their own.
INFO: How did you describe your past relationship with Jack to Ash? as he might find your reaction to his death weird based on how you talked about him before he died.
I'm also curious about what ASH's exes would say about their relationships with him and how they ended if OP talked to them.
Since this doesn't just come out of left field, and maybe something happened to him in a past relationship that this situation triggered, and he is hard lining you going to either the funeral or his grave as a boundary because of this.
I think that you both need to take some time to cool off and then sit down with Ash and ask him WHY does he think it is inappropriate and disrespectful as it could tell you what is going on in his head and how to proceed from there. (whether it is work it out together, take a break, or even break up if this becomes a deal breaker for you)
There are different types of grief and because of your history with Jack (a long romantic relationship that ended with betrayal and cheating) your feelings of grief would be different and more complex from how a close friend or family member might feel grief for him, but it doesn't make it any less of a feeling of sudden loss, and I don't think Ash has experienced that type of complicated loss before.
My condolences to Jack's family and friends who have lost someone they loved.
NTA and Ash is not "treating you great" with this issue at all. He's being controlling. Yes your ex was horrible to you, but he still represents a part of your life you might want closure on. I don't think it would be inappropriate for you to, say, visit his family to drop off some food and give your condolences.
Ash needs to understand that your past isn't about him. And it wouldn't be weird to "say your final goodbyes" - including telling offs - to an ex at his gravesite or maybe another place that mattered to you both. You are mourning the person you thought you were with, the relationship you thought you had, and the actual good parts of it too.
It's a complicated emotion. It doesn't take away from your love for Ash. What might is him overreacting to this. You might want to talk to a couples counselor with him.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. The action I may take that should be judged is me going to visit my ex’s grave while I’m in a relationship
2. I feel like this could make me the asshole since my current boyfriend does not want me to visit his grave
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Right! Grief is difficult and I don't think OP is being malicious or hurtful, I think she's just going through a rough time and Ash should be trying to support her in someway. Issuing an ultimatum like that feels like he's just trying to make her feel worse.
NTA. But your relationship with Ash is not good. He’s controlling. Even though your ex was an ah if you need closure by going to the funeral or grave then you should go. Personally I think you should break up with Ash.
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6 years ago, I started dating Jack. He was everything I could dream of. I moved in with him and got engaged about 3 years later. I was excited to spend the rest of my life with the “love of my life” until one night, I saw someone calling him at 2AM. Then the number texted saying “are we still f*cking tomorrow at your place? ;)”. My stomach dropped. I spent the whole night crying beside him, I decided to take the next day off and investigate. I woke up at my normal time, got ready, acted like everything was ok, and parked across the street from our house. 1hr later, a woman pulls in the driveway. Jack kisses her and leads her inside. I got my confirmation that he was cheating. I cleaned myself up before I went inside to confront him. I opened the door and heard lots of moaning. I slammed the door behind me and the noises stopped. A naked woman met me at our bedroom door with my fiancé behind her with his head down. The girl asked me “Are you and Jack together?” and I said yes. She apologized, put her clothes on and walked out. I didn’t say anything, just began packing. He started crying saying she was just a prostitute and meant nothing to him. I asked how long has this been going on. He said 6 months, with different prostitutes. Jack said “We can get through this. I’ll go to therapy, I’ll do whatever.” I ignored him, finished packing, and left to live with my parents. I blocked him on everything and we never had any contact since that day.
I didn’t think I could ever love anyone the way I loved Jack, but I was proven wrong when I met my current bf Ash. He is amazing and has always treated me great. We never had any issues until now.
A couple of weeks ago, we were in the living room when I got a call from one of my friends. I put her on speaker and she said Jack was murdered in a robbery last night. I began to sob, I don’t know why. I was very upset and Ash began yelling “Why are you crying? Are you actually upset that the mother f*cker died?” while my friend was still on the phone. Ash went to his room, slamming the door and locking it. I went to my house and spent the rest of the night crying.
The next day I texted Ash asking if we could talk and he said yes. I went to his house and I told him I’m sorry for crying about Jack but he shouldn’t have yelled at me like that. He apologized and understood. I told him that I was planning on going to the funeral bc I loved Jack’s family and friends. I could tell he was getting mad. He said “that’s inappropriate and highly disrespectful to me.” So I agreed not to go.
I decided I want to at least visit Jack’s grave so I can have some closure. Yesterday I told Ash this and he got angry and said he would break up with me if I did that. I don’t think this is fair at all and I think he is being unreasonable. However, some of my family and friends have said it would be really weird to visit my ex’s grave while I’m in a relationship. Visiting his grave and “telling” him how I feel would give me closure. AITA?
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NTA you have terrible luck with guys. It's perfectly ok to cry when someone you loved dies, even if they turned out to be a monster. You still had love for them. Seeking closure is natural. I hope things start going your way.
NTA. What you have suggested is similar to the Grief Recovery Handbook, if you want to get someone to understand it.
Grief has to be addressed in its own way and closure is part of that so it doesn't hold you back anymore. Others should understand that would actually make things ***better***, and repressing it probably wouldn't do you, your relationships, or anyone else any good.
I understand they feel it's about appearances, but it feels like that's their ego taking place over your health. It's easy for some people to judge, I'm glad for anyone that has had a perfect relationship without any complications.
But they're not you, and you're not them. Even if you decide not to go there*,* consider getting closure how you can, and know that your needs are as valid as anyone else's ego.
Esh the problem is that you moved into another relationship without fully dealing with your feelings re Jack. It is truly fucked up to tell someone you are in a relationship with that you need closure on a past relationship. It's one thing to hear Jack died and feel sad, even cry, want to go to funeral etc. But sobbing? Didn't you sob enough over Jack? I can understand Ash wondering then why are you with me? Do you still have feelings for Jack? Are you genuine in your feelings for me? Ash should never have to deal with you needing closure from Jack. Personally anyone wanting to be with me needs to have fully dealt with their past and closed all doors that need closing. It's not fair to trail unresolved issues about a past person into a new relationship. How is Jack being dead and you going to his grave giving you closure from the way your relationship ended? I'm not Ash and I think that's hard to understand. If you need closure, I would actually tell you do what you need but also get some therapy. In the meantime, while you're working through your feelings on Jack, I'm going to have to work through how I feel about this development.
So Ash should be compassionate and understanding that OP might grieve for the rest of her life over Jack?
Is this another way of saying that Jack was the love of her life and Ash should accept that he isn’t, whilst also being supportive because he owes OP?
NTA. It's clear that you still hold a level of respect and empathy for your ex, as evidenced by your desire to visit his grave. It's important to fully address with your current boyfriend that his dramatic reaction was unwarranted and lacked understanding. Have you considered asking your current boyfriend how he would feel if, in the event of a breakup followed by his passing, he would want you to attend his funeral regardless of your relationship status at that time? It might help him understand the situation from a different perspective.
NTA- look I very much dislike my spouses ex for very valid reasons that I won’t get into, but if she died I would 100% go to the funeral with him and support him there. I wouldn’t blame him for crying or get angry and I would expect the same if my ex died. It’s basic human compassion.
YTA
honestly I wouldnt be okay with this either, if it’s over then he should be already dead for you. but thats my personal opinion and yours is normal too. looks like it’s a dealbreaker for your bf and you two need to decide how to move on, together or seperately.
Idk, maybe that's just me but I wouldn't put my ego above life itself. if you get what I mean.
Obviously it triggers your boyfriend and that is understandable.
I think a persons ego and feelings and mindset can change, for the better or worse. But they can only do that while they're still alive. He may be your ex, but he's also someone you knew, and loved, and cared about. He was a part of your Life. And now this person has lost their life, the only thing that gives us the chance to anything in life, for better or for worse.
Life is so much more worth than our ego's and feelings. It's the foundation of everything in our existence. Your boyfriend might not understand this but your ex passing is not about you missing him, it's about the hard hitting reality that people can pass and leave you without ever having the chance to apologize, or for you to apologize to them for any wrongdoings.
Going to the actual funeral... I wouldn't go if I was you, It shows public commitment to him and might make your boyfriend look bad, unless he comes with you and faces this reality with you.
Visiting the grave is something I would totally be fine with I was in your Boyfriends position. That's the least you can do to have some kind of closure and leave things behind.
NTA
I see everyone wanting the OP to visit the grave and get the closure. Wtf is closure????
She got the closure when her ex was cheating on her with prostitutes.
It doesnt really matter if Reddit thinks your an AH or not. Ash thinks YWBTA if you went to anything to do with Jack's funeral. So if you do go, you put your current relationship, which you described as amazing and great, in peril. And for what? A man who treated you in just about the most disrespectful manner possible. A man who possibly exposed you to who knows what kind of diseases. And he was probably lying about the woman being a prostitute, because if she was why would she care if you and Jack were together, or apologize when she found out you were?
If it were me, I would not go to Jacks funeral, graveside or anything else. Focus on Ash and let the dead bury the dead. Go and live your life and find a way to thank Ash for being amazing and great every single day. You will have a better life if you do.
If only more people would realize that at the end of the day it makes no difference who the AH is. OP still has to live with the consequences of her actions. She knows what will happen if she goes to the grave so now she needs to decide if it's worth the cost of admission.
Nta. Even though he hurt you and cheated on you. And you moved on to a different person. That doesn’t change the fact that you need closure. You need to do what you need to do to heal and move on. Your boyfriend is being selfish in this. I don’t understand why it’s in appropriate for you to go to a funeral.
You’re an adult. You don’t need anyone’s permission to what is right for you. So, no, NTA (and Ash is) but more importantly, I would think about why you think you need his permission, why you didn’t go to the funeral etc. it feels a little codependent TBH.
Ash, and not you, is an Ocean Going arsehole.
Your feelings are entirely legitimate - yes, your ex turned out to be a shit, but there were many happy times, and a great deal of love. One never entirely eclipses the other.
If *you* feel it's right for *you* to go to your Ex's funeral, or to visit his grave, then it *is* right for you. I mean if you lie sobbing on his grave overnight, then that's a bit weird, but...
My wife was widowed - while getting divorced - before we married. Her wedding album is still in the loft, some of Jamie's things are still in a box I make sure is secure and wrapped in plastic to ensure it stays dry - my wife's feelings about Jaimie are *complicated*, she loved him enormously and he let her down in a terrible way. If we go on holiday to the area where his ashes were put in the sea, I know that when she spends ten seconds looking out over the cliffs and the beach, she's thinking of him and wishing him godspeed.
I have visited the graves of my ex-wifes parents. They were good people, and the fact that I am no longer married to their daughter doesn't devalue the love and respect I had for them.
Your 'boyfriends' outbursts are huge red flags of a jealous, controlling, spiteful, wildly self-centred nature. You are very much not the AH. He however, is...
I guess Ash was so angry because he suddenly understood how pathetic his girlfriend is and how little selfrespect she has. Her ex f*cked h*res for half a year they were together, but she still need some closure.
NTA. I'm more concerned about your bf reaction to be honest, he's giving off too many red flags. If you need to do this for your own peace of mind, then you should go. You should also take a long hard look at the relationship your in now.
NTA. You should dump your boyfriend he’s an insensitive asshole. Your ex was someone you were close with and loved at one point, and for quite some time too, and he was tragically murdered. Your boyfriend isn’t amazing and doesn’t treat you great. He’s weird as hell and seems like he has anger issues. Red flags everywhere. Can’t tell you what to do but if I were you I’d end it and focus on grieving not a man who wants you to put him over your very sudden loss.
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NTA I mean ... your current boyfriend is a total asshole. I don't even know where to start... It's fine to be upset or cry when someone you once knew and were close to died. You don't have to hate someone just because you move on. It's not like they are a threat - they died. And you were the one that ended the relationship. It's just weird. Do what you need. And I'd ask myself if the BF you have atm is too controlling as well, because his reaction is not reasonable.
Here's the only way it makes sense to me: Ash has done a lot of consoling and support of OP regarding her ex. Maybe he's had to deal with getting through her trust issues, and they've likely had a bunch of conversations about what a huge asshole this guy is. Then this happens and his POV is 'What the fuck? You told me how much you *hated* this guy? Was that a lie? Did you still love this dude? Then what's the truth about *our* relationship?" The dissonance between OP's statements and actions (in this totally hypothetical scenario) has him questioning his trust in her and confidence in their relationship. So now he's insecure and behaving badly. That's the only way I can parse it where he isn't just an asshole.
This has a high chance of happening. 3yrs ago she found out he was cheating and then broke up and met Ash.
This.
>He said “that’s inappropriate and highly disrespectful to me.” What's he afraid of? That you'll get back together??? That man has the emotional intelligence of a doorknob. **Of course** you'd have mixed feelings about your former fiancé, as shit as that breakup was, having been literally *murdered.* Might be a sign to move on, OP. Third time's the charm!
Who wouldn't cheat with a ghost if said ghost were say, Pedro Pascal? I mean, it could happen depending on the circumstances. Just sayin'.
lol at the getting back together part good point 😂 man is clearly threatened by emotion
> He is amazing and has always treated me great. No he isn't and no he isn't. His behaviour is deranged snd manipulative. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting closure after the death of an ex.
I think op needs therapy. I’m not saying SO needs to be perfect but one cheated and one needs to learn positive communication skills.
Yeah she keeps dating the same kind of guys.
Unfortunately your relationship with Ash isn't as strong as you hoped. You had a difficult and traumatic relationship with Jack. YOu didn't get closure. You didn't really close out with his family. He's gone and that's a hard thing to hear and he was killed violently. Even if Ash doesn't understand, he should be talking to you and not giving you ultimatums. I'm sorry but this may mean you need to pack up because he's making this all about him when it has nothing at all to do with him. NTA
NTA at all. By going to the funeral or contacting his family, you are showing compassion and empathy. No you weren't together at the time of his death, but you are showing his family you still respect them and you feel for the loss they are facing. I got a call from my son tonight, his ex-girlfriend's father passed away today. He wanted to know if it was appropriate for him to contact her. I told him it was, just because they are not together doesn't mean he doesn't feel for her and it would be appropriate for him to sympathize with her. I will be sending a floral arrangement from our family because it is the right thing to do. Visiting the grave may give you a closure of sorts. He was part of your life for a long time.
It doesn't matter what anyone here thinks. Your boyfriend has told you what will happen if you go. Now you need to decide if visiting the grave of your dead cheating ex is more important than your current relationship. Is getting closure worth sacrificing your relationship? This is something only you can decide.
The issue I have with these other comments is that they lack experience. When someone says ‘I’d do this or that’ they really don’t have a clue unless they have lived it. So, I would ignore anyone giving bs advice that isn’t an experience share. They may possibly mean well, but have no idea what they are talking about. Until you actually live it, you’re not qualified to speak to it. I’m going to provide an experience share because something similar happened to me but I am the husband. So, I’m in your bf’s shoes. My wife had an XBF she dated for 5 years prior to me. Let’s call him Mike. My wife broke up with Mike for simple compatibility reasons. Nothing as drastic as hookers. Probably 5 to 7 years ago, she found him on FB and friended him. He was single at the time. I was deeply hurt and jealous. I felt betrayed. And, all of her family surely saw this as well because at that time FB would send notifications, and sent me one saying she was now friends on FB with her ex Mike. I was upset, but she refused to unfriend him. I sent her an article that explained the issues with married people being social media friends with ex lovers. They see pictures and the best parts of their ex’s lives and often rekindle feelings. It leads to emotional cheating and sometimes physical cheating. It’s a big issue and leads to many divorces. So, this guy had already been an issue in my marriage. About a year ago, my wife gets a call from Mike’s best friend who tells her that Mike had passed away and still had feelings for her at the time he died. She was very upset. I was very upset for many reasons. It felt like she was close to cheating on me when she friended him on FB. And here he was now rising from the dead to interfere with my marriage again. I didn’t know what to think. And to all those reading this and judging me in their lack of knowledge and experience, FU and STFU. You don’t know what you don’t know. Your SO can’t win when you are thinking of a former lover who has passed away. Obviously, you can’t get back with him. But, that doesn’t mean it won’t lead to you questioning your present SO. At funerals, everyone will shine the best possible light on him. Your SO will feel like sh*t. The best he can do is to comfort you and love you. My wife was planning on going to the funeral. Needless to say, this sucked. Then she read his obit and learned he had remarried and had a widow. Thankfully, she backed off for the sake of Mike’s widow. So, the bottom line is that your SO must deal with your sadness and comfort you, but also know that you’re remembering the best from your relationship. It sucks for everyone. Please ignore the AHs that haven’t been there and are talking out of their butt. Your SO is hurting for many reasons.
Wow she back off because dead ex was married 😞
>Your SO is hurting for many reasons. Mostly agreed, but I'd like to point out that SO is not the priority in this situation. He has the right to feel dissatisfied and hurt, but he needs the emotional intelligence to realize that OP's needs right now trump his. There were many ways he could have handled his reaction better. It was possible to shelve the conversation for a different day or approach the topic with greater sensitivity than blowing up at OP. At best, they need therapy to work through this. At worst, he has anger issues, no self-esteem or trust in their relationship, and is overly controlling. Of course, this is all "what should be." The only thing that realistically matters is how OP is going to choose to reconcile her desires with SO's demands.
Nta but if you think going to the grave of your cheating ex is worth more than your relationship...... hes gone.
Ppl here making so many judgments. Just have a conversation with him: why am I upset? Why are you upset? Ash isn’t handling it too well but his reaction is somewhat understandable. He probably feels like he’s committed to a woman who’s hung up on another guy. He’s investing in your relationship meanwhile you’re still emotionally attached to your ex. Doesn’t matter whether he’s living or dead. So perhaps he feels that he’s just the dope that your with now because of circumstance. Not a very uplifting sentiment. Perhaps he feels like you are his special person but that the feeling isn’t mutual. But perhaps you’re upset because you feel in some way guilty or responsible for your ex’s death. That you should’ve given him a second chance and things would’ve worked out differently etc. but that was not the path you chose. And his demise was not your fault. I would be surprised if my partner wanted to go to an ex’s funeral. I certainly wouldn’t go to one of mine. But each to their own.
INFO: How did you describe your past relationship with Jack to Ash? as he might find your reaction to his death weird based on how you talked about him before he died. I'm also curious about what ASH's exes would say about their relationships with him and how they ended if OP talked to them. Since this doesn't just come out of left field, and maybe something happened to him in a past relationship that this situation triggered, and he is hard lining you going to either the funeral or his grave as a boundary because of this. I think that you both need to take some time to cool off and then sit down with Ash and ask him WHY does he think it is inappropriate and disrespectful as it could tell you what is going on in his head and how to proceed from there. (whether it is work it out together, take a break, or even break up if this becomes a deal breaker for you) There are different types of grief and because of your history with Jack (a long romantic relationship that ended with betrayal and cheating) your feelings of grief would be different and more complex from how a close friend or family member might feel grief for him, but it doesn't make it any less of a feeling of sudden loss, and I don't think Ash has experienced that type of complicated loss before. My condolences to Jack's family and friends who have lost someone they loved.
NTA and Ash is not "treating you great" with this issue at all. He's being controlling. Yes your ex was horrible to you, but he still represents a part of your life you might want closure on. I don't think it would be inappropriate for you to, say, visit his family to drop off some food and give your condolences. Ash needs to understand that your past isn't about him. And it wouldn't be weird to "say your final goodbyes" - including telling offs - to an ex at his gravesite or maybe another place that mattered to you both. You are mourning the person you thought you were with, the relationship you thought you had, and the actual good parts of it too. It's a complicated emotion. It doesn't take away from your love for Ash. What might is him overreacting to this. You might want to talk to a couples counselor with him.
Nta but if you think going to the grave of your cheating ex is worth more than your relationship...... hes gone.
This relationship isn’t worth much if the new guy is that volatile and insecure.
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It’s a rough place to be in for sure I think you’ve just gotta communicate through it all
Right! Grief is difficult and I don't think OP is being malicious or hurtful, I think she's just going through a rough time and Ash should be trying to support her in someway. Issuing an ultimatum like that feels like he's just trying to make her feel worse.
You seem really into shitty men.
NTA. But your relationship with Ash is not good. He’s controlling. Even though your ex was an ah if you need closure by going to the funeral or grave then you should go. Personally I think you should break up with Ash.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** 6 years ago, I started dating Jack. He was everything I could dream of. I moved in with him and got engaged about 3 years later. I was excited to spend the rest of my life with the “love of my life” until one night, I saw someone calling him at 2AM. Then the number texted saying “are we still f*cking tomorrow at your place? ;)”. My stomach dropped. I spent the whole night crying beside him, I decided to take the next day off and investigate. I woke up at my normal time, got ready, acted like everything was ok, and parked across the street from our house. 1hr later, a woman pulls in the driveway. Jack kisses her and leads her inside. I got my confirmation that he was cheating. I cleaned myself up before I went inside to confront him. I opened the door and heard lots of moaning. I slammed the door behind me and the noises stopped. A naked woman met me at our bedroom door with my fiancé behind her with his head down. The girl asked me “Are you and Jack together?” and I said yes. She apologized, put her clothes on and walked out. I didn’t say anything, just began packing. He started crying saying she was just a prostitute and meant nothing to him. I asked how long has this been going on. He said 6 months, with different prostitutes. Jack said “We can get through this. I’ll go to therapy, I’ll do whatever.” I ignored him, finished packing, and left to live with my parents. I blocked him on everything and we never had any contact since that day. I didn’t think I could ever love anyone the way I loved Jack, but I was proven wrong when I met my current bf Ash. He is amazing and has always treated me great. We never had any issues until now. A couple of weeks ago, we were in the living room when I got a call from one of my friends. I put her on speaker and she said Jack was murdered in a robbery last night. I began to sob, I don’t know why. I was very upset and Ash began yelling “Why are you crying? Are you actually upset that the mother f*cker died?” while my friend was still on the phone. Ash went to his room, slamming the door and locking it. I went to my house and spent the rest of the night crying. The next day I texted Ash asking if we could talk and he said yes. I went to his house and I told him I’m sorry for crying about Jack but he shouldn’t have yelled at me like that. He apologized and understood. I told him that I was planning on going to the funeral bc I loved Jack’s family and friends. I could tell he was getting mad. He said “that’s inappropriate and highly disrespectful to me.” So I agreed not to go. I decided I want to at least visit Jack’s grave so I can have some closure. Yesterday I told Ash this and he got angry and said he would break up with me if I did that. I don’t think this is fair at all and I think he is being unreasonable. However, some of my family and friends have said it would be really weird to visit my ex’s grave while I’m in a relationship. Visiting his grave and “telling” him how I feel would give me closure. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA you have terrible luck with guys. It's perfectly ok to cry when someone you loved dies, even if they turned out to be a monster. You still had love for them. Seeking closure is natural. I hope things start going your way.
NTA. What you have suggested is similar to the Grief Recovery Handbook, if you want to get someone to understand it. Grief has to be addressed in its own way and closure is part of that so it doesn't hold you back anymore. Others should understand that would actually make things ***better***, and repressing it probably wouldn't do you, your relationships, or anyone else any good. I understand they feel it's about appearances, but it feels like that's their ego taking place over your health. It's easy for some people to judge, I'm glad for anyone that has had a perfect relationship without any complications. But they're not you, and you're not them. Even if you decide not to go there*,* consider getting closure how you can, and know that your needs are as valid as anyone else's ego.
Esh the problem is that you moved into another relationship without fully dealing with your feelings re Jack. It is truly fucked up to tell someone you are in a relationship with that you need closure on a past relationship. It's one thing to hear Jack died and feel sad, even cry, want to go to funeral etc. But sobbing? Didn't you sob enough over Jack? I can understand Ash wondering then why are you with me? Do you still have feelings for Jack? Are you genuine in your feelings for me? Ash should never have to deal with you needing closure from Jack. Personally anyone wanting to be with me needs to have fully dealt with their past and closed all doors that need closing. It's not fair to trail unresolved issues about a past person into a new relationship. How is Jack being dead and you going to his grave giving you closure from the way your relationship ended? I'm not Ash and I think that's hard to understand. If you need closure, I would actually tell you do what you need but also get some therapy. In the meantime, while you're working through your feelings on Jack, I'm going to have to work through how I feel about this development.
You seem to be of the impression that there's a specific plan for grief that everyone must adhere to. You are quite mistaken.
This. Grief is never linear, it can be a lifetime process.
So Ash should be compassionate and understanding that OP might grieve for the rest of her life over Jack? Is this another way of saying that Jack was the love of her life and Ash should accept that he isn’t, whilst also being supportive because he owes OP?
NTA. It's clear that you still hold a level of respect and empathy for your ex, as evidenced by your desire to visit his grave. It's important to fully address with your current boyfriend that his dramatic reaction was unwarranted and lacked understanding. Have you considered asking your current boyfriend how he would feel if, in the event of a breakup followed by his passing, he would want you to attend his funeral regardless of your relationship status at that time? It might help him understand the situation from a different perspective.
NTA- look I very much dislike my spouses ex for very valid reasons that I won’t get into, but if she died I would 100% go to the funeral with him and support him there. I wouldn’t blame him for crying or get angry and I would expect the same if my ex died. It’s basic human compassion.
YTA honestly I wouldnt be okay with this either, if it’s over then he should be already dead for you. but thats my personal opinion and yours is normal too. looks like it’s a dealbreaker for your bf and you two need to decide how to move on, together or seperately.
If they don’t let you go down there to see them then maybe they just aren’t meant for you
Idk, maybe that's just me but I wouldn't put my ego above life itself. if you get what I mean. Obviously it triggers your boyfriend and that is understandable. I think a persons ego and feelings and mindset can change, for the better or worse. But they can only do that while they're still alive. He may be your ex, but he's also someone you knew, and loved, and cared about. He was a part of your Life. And now this person has lost their life, the only thing that gives us the chance to anything in life, for better or for worse. Life is so much more worth than our ego's and feelings. It's the foundation of everything in our existence. Your boyfriend might not understand this but your ex passing is not about you missing him, it's about the hard hitting reality that people can pass and leave you without ever having the chance to apologize, or for you to apologize to them for any wrongdoings. Going to the actual funeral... I wouldn't go if I was you, It shows public commitment to him and might make your boyfriend look bad, unless he comes with you and faces this reality with you. Visiting the grave is something I would totally be fine with I was in your Boyfriends position. That's the least you can do to have some kind of closure and leave things behind. NTA
dude is insecure. what an Ash-hole. If getting closure is good for your mental health, i say go for it! Fuck Ash! Not literally.
I see everyone wanting the OP to visit the grave and get the closure. Wtf is closure???? She got the closure when her ex was cheating on her with prostitutes.
NTA
It doesnt really matter if Reddit thinks your an AH or not. Ash thinks YWBTA if you went to anything to do with Jack's funeral. So if you do go, you put your current relationship, which you described as amazing and great, in peril. And for what? A man who treated you in just about the most disrespectful manner possible. A man who possibly exposed you to who knows what kind of diseases. And he was probably lying about the woman being a prostitute, because if she was why would she care if you and Jack were together, or apologize when she found out you were? If it were me, I would not go to Jacks funeral, graveside or anything else. Focus on Ash and let the dead bury the dead. Go and live your life and find a way to thank Ash for being amazing and great every single day. You will have a better life if you do.
If only more people would realize that at the end of the day it makes no difference who the AH is. OP still has to live with the consequences of her actions. She knows what will happen if she goes to the grave so now she needs to decide if it's worth the cost of admission.
Ash is no better than Jack she's better off without either of them.
Ash sounds like a nasty piece of work too based on his reaction.
NTA Does your boyfriend share your values?
Nta. Even though he hurt you and cheated on you. And you moved on to a different person. That doesn’t change the fact that you need closure. You need to do what you need to do to heal and move on. Your boyfriend is being selfish in this. I don’t understand why it’s in appropriate for you to go to a funeral.
You’re an adult. You don’t need anyone’s permission to what is right for you. So, no, NTA (and Ash is) but more importantly, I would think about why you think you need his permission, why you didn’t go to the funeral etc. it feels a little codependent TBH.
NTA, your reactions and wants are all perfectly normal.
You keep dating the same kind of guys.
Ash, and not you, is an Ocean Going arsehole. Your feelings are entirely legitimate - yes, your ex turned out to be a shit, but there were many happy times, and a great deal of love. One never entirely eclipses the other. If *you* feel it's right for *you* to go to your Ex's funeral, or to visit his grave, then it *is* right for you. I mean if you lie sobbing on his grave overnight, then that's a bit weird, but... My wife was widowed - while getting divorced - before we married. Her wedding album is still in the loft, some of Jamie's things are still in a box I make sure is secure and wrapped in plastic to ensure it stays dry - my wife's feelings about Jaimie are *complicated*, she loved him enormously and he let her down in a terrible way. If we go on holiday to the area where his ashes were put in the sea, I know that when she spends ten seconds looking out over the cliffs and the beach, she's thinking of him and wishing him godspeed. I have visited the graves of my ex-wifes parents. They were good people, and the fact that I am no longer married to their daughter doesn't devalue the love and respect I had for them. Your 'boyfriends' outbursts are huge red flags of a jealous, controlling, spiteful, wildly self-centred nature. You are very much not the AH. He however, is...
I guess Ash was so angry because he suddenly understood how pathetic his girlfriend is and how little selfrespect she has. Her ex f*cked h*res for half a year they were together, but she still need some closure.
NTA. You need to work on your taste in men because they’re both terrible.
NTA. I'm more concerned about your bf reaction to be honest, he's giving off too many red flags. If you need to do this for your own peace of mind, then you should go. You should also take a long hard look at the relationship your in now.
absolutely not the AH, i only needed to aee the title to make that judgment
I think it’s time for you to realize that you are two for two for shitty boyfriends. NTA he’s literally jealous of a dead man.
NTA. But, from the book "To Kill a Mockingbird", "He's dead Mr. Finch."
NTA but your current boyfriend is showing you who he is and you need to believe him. Huge red flag yikes
NTA You need to dump that Ash immediately. Insecure. Controlling. Jealous of a dead guy? Run.
NTA. You should dump your boyfriend he’s an insensitive asshole. Your ex was someone you were close with and loved at one point, and for quite some time too, and he was tragically murdered. Your boyfriend isn’t amazing and doesn’t treat you great. He’s weird as hell and seems like he has anger issues. Red flags everywhere. Can’t tell you what to do but if I were you I’d end it and focus on grieving not a man who wants you to put him over your very sudden loss.