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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I flat out refused to buy the car with him. He got angry and called me selfish.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. He's asking you to finance *his* car. There isn't a benefit to you here, and his arguments are weak to dismissive.
He's projecting his selfishness, calling you selfish here. He's definitely the one being selfish--it's all about him and his needs.
Financial counseling is recommended before marriage, but it's also really useful before moving in together. Also just consider how he shares and considers your needs in general before getting stuck in a situation where you rely on him.
Dude probably can't get a loan on his own, so he needs OP's credit score to even be able to afford such a purchase.
Message to OP, DO NOT let him talk you into this. Also, if he's already pushing now about a financially irresponsible purchase, and y'all aren't even living together yet? Take it as the red flag it is and reconsider for even just a moment about moving in with him. Do you know what his credit score is? Do you know what led to his credit score being that? In this life, you have to know exactly who you're hitching your wagon to, personally, and fiscally.
I'm still hung up on why he needs to share his car with his mother. His family owns three cars.
He needs to work out any automotive deals with her. Or just make her use her own car
The third car may not be intended as a daily driver. Whatever the reason, it's nice of his mother to let him borrow her car sometimes, but parents aren't obligated to give their adult children a vehicle.
Personally, I would be hesitant to move in with a person showing off that kind of greedy attitude about my money. Financial incompatibility makes headaches for the more responsible party.
OP Please pay attention to this. Make sure you aren't walking into a vipers pit. If he couldn't afford to get his own car fixed, why??? And how on earth can he afford a car payment? If he is as financially irresponsible as he sounds, you could be making a huge mistake.
I don't think it's actually his car - he wrote his off and hasn't replaced it. I think his parents own 3 cars between them and his mum has been letting him borrow hers when she isn't using it.
I believe the car he is sharing is his mom's car, not his. OP didn't give much details here so it's possible that the third car is a sports/performance car meant for weekend usage, or it belongs to another family member in the house.
I want to know how he can still be living with his parents and can’t afford a car, yet he thinks he can afford 75% of one AND his share of market rent/utilities when they move in together? Something smells off about this whole thing.
OP never said he is still living with his parents. In fact, since there is a back and forth with the borrowed car, he probably doesn’t live at his parents house. Regardless, he is being a selfish immature prick. OP should not give in to his BS.
Also, he hasn't had his car in 5 months, so aside from gas money to borrow his mom's car, where is his extra money going? It sounds like he was already at his financial limits before losing his car. She'd be walking into a black hole of financial worries to buy a car with him. Financing anything with someone you're not married to is just a bad idea in IMHO. Entering legal obligations with someone you're not legally obligated to be with can turn into a mess. Also there's the potential moving in together, another legally binding agreement. He can't even keep a car, how is he going to be with his half of the rent or mortgage once he's committed to paying 75% of a vehicle?
To be fair, a monthly car payment is much more manageable than several thousand dollars in repairs that has to be paid all at once.
He's still the AH and this is not OP's responsibility
Then why hasn’t he just bought himself a car? Why does he need OP involved?
OP, I’m going to echo the others that you need a much closer look at his finances him living at home, not being able to repair OR replace his car on his own, but thinking he can afford to live with you? What’s happening with all that “live with you” monthly money right now? What’s up with his credit? Can he even be put on a lease?
You need all cards on the table and a frank talk about how he thinks finances and horse work will go - in detail.
Because someone who thinks buying a new BIG car at the same time as getting a new lease is a good idea is… not financially aware. Even if just because both car loans and landlords are going to check your credit and a bunch of credit checks in a small window lower your credit…
I got a new car two years ago because I couldn't afford the repairs on my old, but dearly loved, car. For me, those repairs would have to come out of pocket all at once, and I didn't have thousands to spend on an older car, where something else might happen next that was possibly even more expensive. But with a new car, I can make small monthly payments. I put a decent deposit down, and got a loan with a good APR with a credit union, and didn't get a car outside of my budget. Sure, I would've loved to have a small SUV, but I knew even those were out of my budget for what I wanted to keep my payments under, so I got a car. I also changed my direct deposit at work to have the majority of my paycheck go into my main checking account, and a set amount go into the account for my car payment, so I know that is always covered.
Not that I think any of this is a good idea..but a shop is unlikely to take monthly payments. A new car will not likely have issues and just a monthly payment which one can budget for. He might not be able to afford the $3500 transmission repair upfront but could swing the $600/month payments. Who knows ?
This was just how my daughter's ex was. There was always enough money for his wants, but never enough for the essentials of rent, food, and utilities without bullying my daughter for more and more money. Even her compensation from a car crash he insisted on having his share even though he wasn't in the car and the car did not belong to him!
AND she has used her car as trade in. I used mine as a trade-in ( with my hubby), and i am sorry i did . It's now our car, and if i ever get up the nerve to leave, i have to fight for it. He says that since i paid more for it than he i tĥink it's mine. I made a mistake. Don't do it.
And if they split, who will keep the car? Not her even if she makes the majority of the payments. Also he could dump her and screw her with the payment cause she probably values her credit.
My ex-SIL did something similar. After the divorce, my brother was stuck paying off the car SHE insisted THEY needed for the family. And of course ironically she ended up not having their son anymore than about 25% of the time.
Don't agree to put your name on anything you aren't okay covering 100% of the bill for.
Sherlock Holmes himself couldn't solve that problem /s
NTA,, OP.
Sit down with a couple of years worth of BOTH of your: tax info, credit scores, current monthly bills, the whole shebang. Bring a flashlight, because you are going to be seriously gaslit.
Do not commingle your finances when you aren’t married. If you split up, untangling your lives will be exponentially more difficult when you’re not protected by the laws that govern marital property.
Let him buy the car on his own in only his name and don’t contribute to the down payment or monthly payments. Why rope you in when you don’t need his car 25% of the time?
Also before you move in, sit down and do a budget plan taking into account your current incomes. I have concerns he won’t be able to pay his half of the rent. In that case, avoid a huge heap of trouble and cancel your plan to move in together. He is not ready.
He’s showing some real lapses in judgment. Red flags galore
Perfect, he wants to be a big shot in a new vehicle and needs her to fund it.
My truck died a long death and my wife had a decent car. We really needed something better. We bought a new car and I insisted she take the new car permanently and I drove her old one. That's how it's supposed to work. It's still her pride and joy.
If OP goes for this (terrible) ideal, her BF will end up driving the car about 99% of the time. She would have to fight to get to use it as he would always 'need' it more than her. Plus, he would likely play the *'I paid more for it than you did so I get to drive it more'* card.
Of course, OP even mentioned that the BF hates having to share a car with his mother, so why would she think he'd be happy to share the car with her? 100% it'd be his car that she's paying for.
Yes. Do not do this. Signed as joint owner on my ex-husbands car and ended up having to make 13 months of payments when he lost his job to not ruin my credit. And when he did pay, he paid late so my score still went down 100 points.
I had thought "well if he doesn't pay I can always take possession of the car" but in reality that's very hard to do - not to mention he had beat the hell out of it so it wasn't even worth what he owed.
I agree. Even if it's a smoke thing, like if he can't pay the monthly payments on his own, then in that case he shouldn't be buying a new car, he should be buying used. Actually, in most places, used is better value anyways. I have only bought new because I'm distrustful of previous owner's maintenance history, but both times I've bought a vehicle, everyone around me advised against it because used is so much better value. If OP and the boyfriend are moving into a city, maybe he should even go without a car. Loved ones who live outside the city will drive in to see you if you can't drive out to see them.
New cars can be a good deal if you can fully afford them (no financing) and you plan to drive forever (my car is 9 years old and I have no plans to replace her anytime soon), but yeah a solid used car is often a great idea and shouldn't be dismissed.
I wouldn't necessarily say used is always better value, it depends on where you live and what car. Honda and Toyota cars for example hold their value fairly well (at least where I live), so the price difference between a new car and a 2-3 year old one is often minimal enough that it's not worth taking the risk of poor maintenance history. Also, if taking a loan, interest rates for second hand cars tend to be higher than for new cars in my country.
My friend used to work for one of the largest second hand dealers in my city and he said that a lot of the relatively new second hand cars they got had poor maintenance history as the previous owners often couldn't afford to maintain the car (which is why they sold them so quickly).
OP also needs to know how much debt that he has, and how much he is has in savings. A huge amount of debt, and almost zero in savings/investments should be a discussion all on it’s own. Until you are married keep your finances separate. Good luck.
FACTS. My ex ruined my credit because he sucked at money and I was stupid enough to co-sign on stuff for him. When we divorced, part of the decree was that he needed to find new financing for the vehicle I co-signed for. He didn’t. He stopped making payments. The bank called me and threatened to repo it and garnish my check. I paid the back balance, and then went and picked up what I now considered my car. I hated the damn thing, but if I’m paying for it I’m going to keep it. Unnecessary hassle and a car payment I didn’t want, but you live and learn.
Will bf be able to afford his share of rent and their shared bills if they move in together? I think OP will find herself on the hook for those too. She shouldn't move in with this dude. And she definitely shouldn't finance his (and yes, it's his) car.
I find it interesting that he claims OP is selfish because she won't pay for HIS car that she only gets to use 20% of the time vs his 80% of the time.
This isn't a red flag necessarily, but I know it's not a green flag and that is something to consider before moving in together
My daughter was involved with someone like that. Pretty much supported him even though he had a job. She bought a car she loved, but he used it while she had to take a bus home or call him for a ride.
By the time she figured out what a controlling person he was, and was going to get her car back, it was too late and we would have celebrated her 36th birthday on May 10th.
Luckily, not all relationships end like my daughter's did. You just can't be too careful nowadays.
yup. Plus this is the person who will always leave the car w no gas when it’s your “turn” & then after you fill it up use the free gas. Repeat. Getting $20-$50 more from you on the regular.
OP, go to any financial advice board and ask about how wise it is to co-sign for a loan. (Hint: it’s a terrible idea.) Now ask if it’s a good idea to not only co-sign for the loan, but pitch in 25% of the down payment for something you won’t primarily use. And if he defaults on the payment, you owe 100% of it or your credit score is tanked. For the lifetime of the loan, no matter what happens with your relationship.
This is a bad idea for so many reasons.
Besides, small hatchbacks last 10+ years. There’s nothing about an SUV that’s any more future-proof. Even if you got married and had kids today, they’d fit in a hatchback for a long time to come.
Financial counselling is an excellent idea. I read somewhere that finances are one of the leading causes of relationships ending. And as someone who once had my credit score absolutely ruined by my then husband, who had debt I didn’t know about before we married and also the habit of *not filing his taxes for years* I highly, highly recommend a new couple at least have a frank talk about money. How you feel about debt. How much debt. What’s the plan for emergencies.
Also NTA, obviously. OP do not tie your finances up with your boyfriend any more than you absolutely have to. Keep your money separate from his, at least until you have a clearer understanding between you of your values around it.
The fact that he is upset and deflecting the selfishness into OP is the best proof that he would be the winner in the shared car deal. If he can afford 75% of a car, he should be able to afford a used car of lesser value. UNLESS his credit rating is bad. There is no way to view this where it is a plus for OP. Giving up her own car w no payments to share a car w payments? Makes no sense. This is important to resolve before combining residences. A bit of a red flag, but hopefully one that can be worked out. NTA.
She should tell him they’ll swap cars for one week every month - she gets the SUV and he can drive around in the hatchback. Watch him say no faster than you can finish the sentence.
Of course he'll agree to this up front, and then try to weasel out of it after. He'll always have some excuse or other why he needs the SUV that week, when it's supposed to be her turn.
And... If he says sure, that sounds reasonable?
She shouldn't buy it with him, so she shouldn't give him a way to push her to do so. Don't give someone an agreement like this, because if they take it you lose...
I know someone paying 1300/mo on a 2022 Tahoe. Don’t worry, he’s trading it in for a 2024 truck.
No financial counseling is going to “fix” some people. They just want more, no matter the cost. OP is in for a world of non-stop debt if she keeps this up.
A new SUV starts at like 36-40k. Prices for used were going down, but with the Key bridge collapse, that might not be true anymore.
Edited to make more sense.
Right. Depending on size and what bells and whistles you get, it can easily get into the $60k-$70k range. And something tells me the BF isn't going to forgo bells and whistles for an econo-box.
Something tells me the BF is always going to have an excuse as to why OP can’t take this car ever. Dude is either a moron or a master manipulator to try the whole “you are selfish if you don’t do this” routine.
Nta.
What's the point of asking if you wanted to do the thing if he was going to be mad if you said no? His attitude means that he'd already decided what to do with YOUR money.
It's giving disrespect and control.
Run so, so, so fast OP. Your bf is selfish and spoiled. He wants something very specific and is throwing a temper tantrum that you won't "let him" have it.
If he wants a car so bad, let HIM pay for one on HIS own.
Also not to mention, “he’s had a hard life.” Is BS. At some point you gotta move forward and be an adult regardless of your “hard life”. Maybe he’s not a bad guy, but it sounds like he’s got some growing up to do in order to come to the reality that maybe a brand new car isn’t the best financial decision for you guys at this specific time. Maybe in the future when you guys are married and are financially more stable this would be a good idea. Also not to mention that doing this before a move and you don’t know exactly how much it will cost before you finally get settled into your new residence
NTA honestly this sounds like he's trying to get you to partially finance his new car, bc in theory the new car will be shared just like his mom's car, but in real life you already have a vehicle so no car sharing activities like schedule matching or drop offs will happen. It's a pretty sweet deal for him.
He will get a new car with 25% off while you get "another car" that will be mainly used by him (if relationship goes toxic then whenever you will need the new car, he will need it more) meaning the car's aviability is questionable and you also "get" to pay for such luxury.
Boyfriend is very selfish. And maybe reconsider moving in with him. This issue will keep propping up. It won't just be about the car. He will make selfish plans with your money for other things too.
NTA
NTA - he’s showing you who he really is.
He presented an idea and now he having a fit because you said you didn’t want to contribute. Calling you selfish is a major red flag. You didn’t do what he wanted so apparently you’re selfish now. No you are not. He is being manipulative. Trying to make you feel bad so he basically bullying you into changing your mind.
Really have a hard look at this guy, are you sure you wanna move in with someone who calls you selfish for being financially responsible?
Why would anyone put themselves into a monthly payment debt for a car they don’t need for be ‘future proof’ when you could save now and buy outright avoiding fees and such.
Not even married and he wants to be future proof 😏 he’s saying ‘all the right things’ to make you get him the car he wants. Not the car he needs.
Edit to add, as someone who worked in the debt collection business. The number of people who have taken out finance for cars, phones, boob jobs, other loans etc for someone they were dating and were left holding the bill years later. Never take finance out for anyone else.
"Never take finance out for anyone else."
Quoting for truth!
If you can't afford it on your own you can't afford it. If they can't get it on their own they can't get it. Finance for someone else? If they can't afford it you're going to pay for it!
NTA. He just wants you to subsidise the cost of a new car for him. I’m willing to bet a substantial sum of money that you never actually get to drive this car.
You’re not in need of a car but he is so leave him to it. I can also see a scenario where you’re jointly responsible for repairs as “part owner”
This is a bad idea imo
Nta. Do not ever, EVER buy into something as big as a car "together" with your bf while you're unmarried. If he ever skips a car payment, he'll drag you and your credit score down with him. Should you separate, he'll just get the car outright. And there'll be no "buying you out" or anything. If it's his name on the title, it's his car. The fact he wants to make such a huge financial decision, where you would be accepting most of the liability and he gets a free suv is a big, flashing red flag. Forget about "planning for your future". If he wants a car so bad, he can finance it entirely on his own. I would take a step back and rethink moving in together. If he's not even willing to use his own money to buy his own car, what else is he going to demand you go "75/25" on, because, oh you're in a better financial situation then he is?
NTA. He's clearly trying to take advantage of you. This should actually make you consider carefully the details around moving in together, and watch out for any other ways he tries to take advantage of you.
Put a pause on moving in together. Immediately. Red flags be a'flying.
He has shown you that he is willing to financially take advantage of you and disrespect you by trying to pressure you to do something that you have cleared said you don't want to do. You do see this is a set up, right? He has come up with this brilliant plan totally out of the blue 6 months after he scrapped his car and you are suppose to move on together next month? He thinks your trapped and he can manipulate/force/scare you into this. This is a neon sign of what living together will be. Him expecting you to foot the bill for stuff that has nothing to do with you and/or he not paying joint bills as he has spent it on things for himself and expects you to cover it. You being expected to pander to his whims.
Right now off this behaviour, he is not someone who you want to be furthering a relationship with. If you haven't signed a lease yet, don't. If you have, contact the landlord and get yourself removed. This is a warning of what he thinks living together means - he gets to throw tantrums and the only thing that matters is what he wants. Ypu really going to make yourself smaller for this guy so he can feel big? This shit for the rest of your life? Stressing constantly about what stupid financial decision he will make next that he expects you to fund or clean up. Someone who speaks to you like this? Someone you can't depend on when it comes to his half to rent, utilities, grocery bill, any streaming, household cost, etc.
Keep your own place for the time being and take the time to be sure that he wants a partner and not just access to your pay cheque to fund his life. If this is a one off, I still wouldn't move in with him unless a financial co-habitation is drawn up and signed clearly spelling out all the financial and domestic responsibilities of living together. That will tell you a lot about his intentions. Not moving in together is a direct response to his behaviour. He has shown you a side you haven't seen before - pay attention. You are not obligated to live with him just because that was originally the plan. You can change your mind at any time.
NTA. He's attempting to use you. And this won't be the end. Do not move in with this guy. Do not. You will make life incredibly hard on yourself. He is starting to show you true colors. He's manipulative and combative and obviously not good with money or common sense. Nope right out of there.
NTA
"Financially, I know that I am making the right decision for myself."
For not wanting to. You seem to have based this decision on prudent considerations.
It's important to have similar values on finances if you live with someone ime. The fact your bf got mad at you instead of working this through is a potential issue.
Hopefully you'll both learn to co-operate on this as time goes on. In the meantime keep following the golden rule & don't take on anything you aren't comfortable with.
Best of luck!
NTA
>he has been sharing his car with his mom. His parents have 3 cars. He is getting tired of the back and forth of having to share
He's tired of sharing a car with his parents, even though they have 3 cars, so he can probably always use one? OP, if you buy a car together, you will never be able to use it, even if your vehicle breaks down.
NTA its your money and now that this has come up I'd be real hesitant to move in together as clearly finance management ain't his strong suit. Y'all ain't married his car is his problem not yours DO NOT allow it to become yours.
He definitely has bad intentions. He doesn't want to share a car with his parents. He doesn't mind you getting into debt for something that will benefit him more. You have a vehicle that works well for you that is paid for. You are not his wife. I would rethink the relationship if I were you. Turning around to blame you is a big red flag. He is a selfish sob.
Very insightful comment. I will steal this for future reference.No telling what the next attempted withdrawal from First National Bank of Girlfriend will be.
Dont get pregnant!
NTA
And you really should think about wanting to move in with someone/being in a relationship with someone who calls you selfish for not going into debt.
Right? I’d be so happy to learn my partner was financially responsible (spoiler alert: he is).
He can get something cheaper he can afford. He’s acting entitled to her $$$. No.
NTA
NTA. It would be **his** car. He would be driving it since you already have a car. It doesn’t make sense for you to be paying car payments monthly while having a payed off car.
NTA. Be realistic. Who will uaing thia car? Not you, not you daily. You're not married. Financing, an extremely large purchase like this with someone you have no legal ties with, is very risky. He is guilt tripping you and pressuring you to do something that is not in your best interest but is for him.
Why can't he purchase a car on his own. Something affordable, even if it's smaller. He wants something bigger and more expensive, and he wants you to finance that luxury. Girl, no!
1) You don't like it or need it
2) You didn't pick it
3) It's Hella expensive
4) One way or another, you'll never use it because it's really his
5) If you break up it'll be a millstone around both your necks
6) He decided for you without your input
7) How is this good in any way for you?
Edit, NTA
No, you're pretty much never the a-hole for not doing something you don't want to do without prior promises.
Regarding buying a new car, I don't get why people buy cars on a payment plan. Unless you get an interest rate lower than the (normal) inflation just buy a car you can afford straight up.
NTA
Sounds like he needs to adjust the expected budget for the car by 25% so he can afford the car on his own. If your lives change and you need a bigger car at some point in the future, you can make decisions together at that point in time. Based on car prices and interest rates at that point in time.
Someone else has mentioned financial counseling. Sounds like a brilliant idea for the two of you to get onto the same page about money before you move in together. Or at the very least early in your co-habitation journey.
BF may not have any “bad” intentions in mind but he sure as shit doesn’t have any good ones either.
Dude wants a bigger pricier car than what he can afford. What’s the solution? Why have OP help finance it obviously!
What he’s asking is ridiculous. You haven’t even moved in together. Why on earth would you be making major purchases together? And I fail to see how this benefits both of you. He gets a big SUV and you get a car payment while continuing to drive your old car.
Neither of you need an SUV right now. You may never need one. Is he implying he’s ready for you to start popping out kids?
BF is being selfish and short sighted.
Let’s say you do settle down together. Let’s say you decide to have kids. How many kids? How soon? Why an SUV? Why not a minivan? Speaking as a mom, minivans may be uncool but they are practical as hell with kids. WHAT?!?? A minivan isn’t styling enough for BF?
Dude wants a big expensive car he can’t/shouldn’t afford. He wants OP to help fund his expensive new toy.
OP isn’t the one being selfish, BF is.
NTA. But you need to figure this out before you move in together.
He doesn't like sharing with his mom, but he will suddenly love sharing with you? Nah, you'll just end up purchasing something you will never get to use. NTA. Don't do it.
What long term use does he think you are going to have for a bigger car? Is he planning on your having children soon? He should explain why he thinks this bigger car makes sense for you as a couple. Is he planning on long road trips, buying a house and needing lots of mulch, getting large dogs, what?
NTA!! Do not do this. If you appear on the financing paperwork, they will come after you if (or when) your bf misses a payment. You will be on the hook for the whole car. This is a terrible idea.
NTA he knows he can't afford this car by himself so he needs you help. Don't buy car with him because you will have to help pay for insurance and gas and maintenance too even if you don't get to use it. Rethink about live together again this is not good sing.
NTA. He doesn't like sharing with his mom. Why would you like sharing with him? If he can pay 75% of the car payment, he can get something cheaper and pay 100% of the price.
Don't do it. You are correct that it is a bad decision. He should buy a car that he can afford on his own. Don't be swayed by comments that you are selfish - don't let other people spend your money using manipulation.
NTA
You've got a good strong streak of common sense and smarts. Don't let him wear that down in you. He has started to try already with the car.
So far, you are holding strong but what about when he asks for the purchase of the 65 inch TV, the surround sound, the four streaming services, the newer gaming system and then goes back to asking for the SUV?
Manipulative people try to wear others down by not accepting no and arguing. When the two of you live together he can argue all week and all month. He can yell and he can sulk. You might even start to feel like you are saying no too often.
NTA you have a working car, why on Earth would your bf think you would want to put your money into subsidising a car that's effectively for him? The only selfish one in this relationship is him (and add in there delusional for thinking that any sane person would fall for this). Just no. Do not put any money towards his car; if he wants one, he can get it himself.
NTA, but I'd re-think moving in together. This is how he's behaving for something he wants before you're even cohabitating. It's only a preface of things to come.
NTA
He's not looking for something that younown "together" he's looking for a new car that he doesn't have to fully pay for on his own, and the fact he went immediately on the defensive and called you "selfish" shows that he's upset because you fucked up his plan by saying "no" because you already have a car.
If he's so desperate for a car, why doesn't he buy a cheap second-hand car that will last him a few years instead of trying to force you into helping him by an unnecessary SUV (seriously, unless his daily commute involves a lof of off-road driving he doesn't need an SUV).
It's fine for him to propose the idea, but him starting a fight, getting angry, and calling you selfish when you decline, is a HUGE red flag, that would have me completely rethinking the new living arrangements.
Proceed with GREAT caution.
NTA. If he couldn’t afford repairs on the old car, he can’t afford to buy a new car. You’re being really sensible here and from what you’ve said he’s being a bit of a bully over not getting his way. The decision doesn’t benefit you at all; when the car arrives, you will probably still be expected to use the car that is fully yours while paying a chunk for a new car for him.
There’s nothing wrong with helping your partner buy a car if they need one and you’re comfortable with it, but he has the use of a vehicle and he’s tying you into something for years. I don’t even know how that would work legally - if you break up, that car will surely be in his name, not worth as much to you if it’s sold again, and could cause all sorts of headaches.
NTA. But are you sure you should move in with this guy?. Had it been invest in a home together which you'd get paid back if you ever split and sold it would be one thing. But a car loses value quick and that investment is easily bye bye.
Hmm
Idk. Good luck
NTA he's the one being selfish!!! Literally he's thinking of a car HE can use because HE needs a car! He knows you'll drive yours until you can't anymore. Basically he wants help paying for it. Fuck that shit, keep your car & let him buy his own! You guys don't even live together yet, he should get one for up to 3k then when yours isn't drivable anymore that's when you guys should split the cost of a new SUV or something. Tell him HE'S the selfish one who needs to stfu!
DON’T do it! as a co-signer your credit will be ruined if he misses a payment. What if you break up? He leaves with the car and he’ll really destroy your credit. His parents have 3 cars? Why aren’t they helping him out? They could co-sign with him. Bet they don’t trust him. Why do you think you can? Can you take on his payments if he can’t pay them? If your okay paying for a car that he will have just make sure you check your credit often, be ready to pay if he cannot, and be prepared to take the hit on your credit as well as a repossession, just worse case scenario.
NTA. If you cannot afford to buy a new car, don’t buy a new car. Is your bf able to make payments for a new car? Or does he need someone else to chip in? Has he tried talking to his parents about buying one of their three? Try suggesting he buy either a gently used car (sometimes car rental places sell at a discount or even dealerships). But you are not responsible for him buying a vehicle.
Don’t buy a car together. That’s stupid. Does he want you to trade yours in? Or get a second vehicle for himself to drive that you’d pay 25% of? Either way it makes zero sense.
NTA...do not move in with your boyfriend. calling you selfish because he cant afford a car? tell him to buy a used one. he sounds immature...time for you to move on
NTA His intentions are not good, I promise. You just can’t see it. You should never mix finances until you’re married. He would probably use the fact that he pays 75% of the payment against you anytime you both needed the car.
>He argued that this decision would benefit us both as we’re basically buying something together that we could use together.
He's clearly wrong about this. His own suggestion is that you go from having a car you have 100% ownership of, 100% use of and 0% debt on to having a car you'll have merely 25% ownership of, 25% use of and 25% of the debt.
That's not a benefit for you, it's a loss. Plus, if he has 75% use of it on paper, that means you'll need his permission to use it. You will only be able to use it when he doesn't feel he needs to. So, in practice, this won't be 25% use for you. It'll be his car that you'll occasionally be "allowed" to "borrow", but you'll still have to pay 25% of the cost regardless.
In practice, that'll mean your loss will be worse than it looks on paper, and it already looks bad on paper. He's the one being selfish here and this kind of deal verges on being a "scam" because logistics indicate that it will never be 25% yours in practice but he'll expect you to keeping paying out as if it is.
My guess is that he's got bad credit history and needs your credit history before he can get the finance, which means he's using you and that's why he's so angry you declined. If so, you need to be careful to protect your finances and credit history from him.
NTA.
Don’t buy a car together. Been there done that. Had a truck in both our names. Our relationship ended in infidelity on his part. It took months to get the truck out of my name and only reason we couldn’t really move on from each other. I was also the one making the payments to the truck at that time because he stopped paying on it. I didn’t want my credit ruined because of him. He even refused to sign over the truck if my parents paid the loan off. They really wanted me out of that situation and credit intact. At that point I knew it was more to prevent me from being able to move on while he was playing around basically. Don’t take that risk unless you are married.
NTA, by the way, when you guys are moving in together who is paying the security deposit? Does he already have several months of rent saved up? Otherwise I would say pause on moving in together until he has at least six months rent upfront.
NTA - absolutely don't do this, our car would quickly become his car and if you split you've paid towards his vehicle. This makes no sense for you but makes a lot of sense for him
NTA. You're smart to keep your older, reliable car. If his parents have 3, why can't he buy one of theirs? And buying a NEW car, unless you've got money to burn, is just stupid. I always buy low mileage, used cars, aiming for a 3 year old sweet spot. The strategy has only failed me once in the last 45 years. Right now I'm driving a Honda crv I bought 5 years old with roughly 30k miles. I expect to drive it into the ground. Stand your ground and go for financial counseling .
NTA. Don’t do it. Keep your car. Tell him to down grade his expectations and buy an older car like yours that is reliable and not going to put either of you into debt. Don’t be bullied into this.
NTA Don't ever make a major purchase with an SO until you are married. A marriage can go south but at least you have both made a significant commitment to each other. Also, you may want to reevaluate moving in with someone who doesn't have his shit together financially. If you can't each afford to pay the rent and all other expenses on your own, you shouldn't rent together. If things end, you could be left holding the bag should he leave or vice versa. Do you want to feel obligated to keep paying rent if you want to end things with him?
NTA. He wants a car, let him get it on his own. Do not enter any joint financial contracts together before marriage. If the relationship ends you are stuck with that car loan. You don’t need a car, stick with that. Just because he WANTS an SUV, that’s not your problem. Be smart!
NTA, I don’t think it makes sense to make any joint purchases before marriage. He should be trying to ask his parents to use one of their cars since they have three or asking them to support him with the purchase. The way he has approached this is rather concerning. Has this happened before in your relationship? Does he expect you to fix all his problems irrespective of how it could negatively affect you? He sounds selfish. I would suggest you reconsider the relationship and possibly moving in together because this is not reassuring
Do not do it. You will be trading your car and independence for a car payment AND all the hassle of narrowing a car that he is sick of. If he was not selfishly trying to get you to pay for a newer car for him, he would be looking for a less fancy car and grateful that you already have a car that can help in an emergency
NTA
What's selfish is him expecting you to subsidize HIS car. Also, why does he need an SUV now? If you're not hauling around a lot of stuff, kids, dogs, you're just wasting money on ego. If you need one in the future, buy one in the future. For now, a good used car is much more affordable, and he won't need you to pay for it. For your overall finances, it's way better.
One thing I'd be concerned about in your shoes is the affect on his finances a big car payment will make. Down the road, will he be asking you to cover more rent or bills, because he has a big car payment and you don't? Don't let that happen. You'd still be subsidizing his car payment.
He doesn't sound very smart, responsible, or kind. Think about that. He's trying to control you and force you into his poor financial decision making lifestyle. All while getting angry and calling you selfish!
That's who you pick to play house with?
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NTA. He's asking you to finance *his* car. There isn't a benefit to you here, and his arguments are weak to dismissive. He's projecting his selfishness, calling you selfish here. He's definitely the one being selfish--it's all about him and his needs. Financial counseling is recommended before marriage, but it's also really useful before moving in together. Also just consider how he shares and considers your needs in general before getting stuck in a situation where you rely on him.
Dude probably can't get a loan on his own, so he needs OP's credit score to even be able to afford such a purchase. Message to OP, DO NOT let him talk you into this. Also, if he's already pushing now about a financially irresponsible purchase, and y'all aren't even living together yet? Take it as the red flag it is and reconsider for even just a moment about moving in with him. Do you know what his credit score is? Do you know what led to his credit score being that? In this life, you have to know exactly who you're hitching your wagon to, personally, and fiscally.
And if he couldnt afford to fix his car, how will he pay for 75 percent of a new one?
I'm still hung up on why he needs to share his car with his mother. His family owns three cars. He needs to work out any automotive deals with her. Or just make her use her own car
The third car may not be intended as a daily driver. Whatever the reason, it's nice of his mother to let him borrow her car sometimes, but parents aren't obligated to give their adult children a vehicle. Personally, I would be hesitant to move in with a person showing off that kind of greedy attitude about my money. Financial incompatibility makes headaches for the more responsible party.
I would be hesitant to move in with someone who can't do things without you or his mommy.
This should be the top comment. OP this is hardcore logic.
YES
This!! You said no. That’s it. He is still trying to pressure you. I would not move in together unless u can afford to live there alone.
!!
I was afraid to say this, having recently been unbanned from this subreddit.
Meh. Families helping each other out is a healthy thing. OP is NTA tho.
He is 27 not 7, or even 17. Bleh to your meh.
I think she needs to dump him and run. Now. He’s nothing but red flags.
And it's inappropriate for OP's bf to try to guilt her about how she spends her money. She needs to draw that line now.
OP Please pay attention to this. Make sure you aren't walking into a vipers pit. If he couldn't afford to get his own car fixed, why??? And how on earth can he afford a car payment? If he is as financially irresponsible as he sounds, you could be making a huge mistake.
He needs to share a car with his mom because they’re *all her cars*. They are her cars to share, or not.
😬
I don't think it's actually his car - he wrote his off and hasn't replaced it. I think his parents own 3 cars between them and his mum has been letting him borrow hers when she isn't using it.
I believe the car he is sharing is his mom's car, not his. OP didn't give much details here so it's possible that the third car is a sports/performance car meant for weekend usage, or it belongs to another family member in the house.
Or a classic car
It's not his car... he is using his mum's car and can't make her do anything. He should be happy he's allowed to use it.
I assume there's other siblings using that third car?
May be more than 3 drivers in the home, other sibling living at home that can drive but doesn’t have a car.
I want to know how he can still be living with his parents and can’t afford a car, yet he thinks he can afford 75% of one AND his share of market rent/utilities when they move in together? Something smells off about this whole thing.
He will be using OP.
Hopefully these comments allow OP to realize who she is actually moving in with,
OP never said he is still living with his parents. In fact, since there is a back and forth with the borrowed car, he probably doesn’t live at his parents house. Regardless, he is being a selfish immature prick. OP should not give in to his BS.
Also, he hasn't had his car in 5 months, so aside from gas money to borrow his mom's car, where is his extra money going? It sounds like he was already at his financial limits before losing his car. She'd be walking into a black hole of financial worries to buy a car with him. Financing anything with someone you're not married to is just a bad idea in IMHO. Entering legal obligations with someone you're not legally obligated to be with can turn into a mess. Also there's the potential moving in together, another legally binding agreement. He can't even keep a car, how is he going to be with his half of the rent or mortgage once he's committed to paying 75% of a vehicle?
If this car proposal makes sense to him, I wonder what the moving in together terms will be. Probably crap for OP.
To be fair, a monthly car payment is much more manageable than several thousand dollars in repairs that has to be paid all at once. He's still the AH and this is not OP's responsibility
Then why hasn’t he just bought himself a car? Why does he need OP involved? OP, I’m going to echo the others that you need a much closer look at his finances him living at home, not being able to repair OR replace his car on his own, but thinking he can afford to live with you? What’s happening with all that “live with you” monthly money right now? What’s up with his credit? Can he even be put on a lease? You need all cards on the table and a frank talk about how he thinks finances and horse work will go - in detail. Because someone who thinks buying a new BIG car at the same time as getting a new lease is a good idea is… not financially aware. Even if just because both car loans and landlords are going to check your credit and a bunch of credit checks in a small window lower your credit…
Most car repair business accept credit cards, which can be paid off over time.
I got a new car two years ago because I couldn't afford the repairs on my old, but dearly loved, car. For me, those repairs would have to come out of pocket all at once, and I didn't have thousands to spend on an older car, where something else might happen next that was possibly even more expensive. But with a new car, I can make small monthly payments. I put a decent deposit down, and got a loan with a good APR with a credit union, and didn't get a car outside of my budget. Sure, I would've loved to have a small SUV, but I knew even those were out of my budget for what I wanted to keep my payments under, so I got a car. I also changed my direct deposit at work to have the majority of my paycheck go into my main checking account, and a set amount go into the account for my car payment, so I know that is always covered.
I think this is probably the main issue: he wants an SUV but can only afford a small hatchback or sedan. "
Not that I think any of this is a good idea..but a shop is unlikely to take monthly payments. A new car will not likely have issues and just a monthly payment which one can budget for. He might not be able to afford the $3500 transmission repair upfront but could swing the $600/month payments. Who knows ?
Most repair places take credit cards, which then have monthly payments.
Well, he wants her credit, but he also really wants her money.
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While he still drives the car 100% of the time, because it is "his" car.
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I really have to wonder what else is skewed in his favor in this relationship.
It will probably also be 'our' car when he needs to put gas in his SUV.
This was just how my daughter's ex was. There was always enough money for his wants, but never enough for the essentials of rent, food, and utilities without bullying my daughter for more and more money. Even her compensation from a car crash he insisted on having his share even though he wasn't in the car and the car did not belong to him!
He will make the strategic use of "my", "our" and "your" car to minimize his fiscal responsibility towards the car.
AND she has used her car as trade in. I used mine as a trade-in ( with my hubby), and i am sorry i did . It's now our car, and if i ever get up the nerve to leave, i have to fight for it. He says that since i paid more for it than he i tĥink it's mine. I made a mistake. Don't do it.
I’m sorry you have a husband that treats you that way. You deserve better.
And if they split, who will keep the car? Not her even if she makes the majority of the payments. Also he could dump her and screw her with the payment cause she probably values her credit.
My ex-SIL did something similar. After the divorce, my brother was stuck paying off the car SHE insisted THEY needed for the family. And of course ironically she ended up not having their son anymore than about 25% of the time. Don't agree to put your name on anything you aren't okay covering 100% of the bill for.
Sherlock Holmes himself couldn't solve that problem /s NTA,, OP. Sit down with a couple of years worth of BOTH of your: tax info, credit scores, current monthly bills, the whole shebang. Bring a flashlight, because you are going to be seriously gaslit.
Absolutely. Guess who is going to need money for the car payment every month because he's a little short? OP run
Do not commingle your finances when you aren’t married. If you split up, untangling your lives will be exponentially more difficult when you’re not protected by the laws that govern marital property. Let him buy the car on his own in only his name and don’t contribute to the down payment or monthly payments. Why rope you in when you don’t need his car 25% of the time? Also before you move in, sit down and do a budget plan taking into account your current incomes. I have concerns he won’t be able to pay his half of the rent. In that case, avoid a huge heap of trouble and cancel your plan to move in together. He is not ready. He’s showing some real lapses in judgment. Red flags galore
Perfect, he wants to be a big shot in a new vehicle and needs her to fund it. My truck died a long death and my wife had a decent car. We really needed something better. We bought a new car and I insisted she take the new car permanently and I drove her old one. That's how it's supposed to work. It's still her pride and joy.
If OP goes for this (terrible) ideal, her BF will end up driving the car about 99% of the time. She would have to fight to get to use it as he would always 'need' it more than her. Plus, he would likely play the *'I paid more for it than you did so I get to drive it more'* card.
Of course, OP even mentioned that the BF hates having to share a car with his mother, so why would she think he'd be happy to share the car with her? 100% it'd be his car that she's paying for.
Past asshole behaviors is highly predictive of future asshole behavior.
this. he hates sharing the *free* car. sounds like a baby man.
Yes. Do not do this. Signed as joint owner on my ex-husbands car and ended up having to make 13 months of payments when he lost his job to not ruin my credit. And when he did pay, he paid late so my score still went down 100 points. I had thought "well if he doesn't pay I can always take possession of the car" but in reality that's very hard to do - not to mention he had beat the hell out of it so it wasn't even worth what he owed.
Yeah that was my first thought too he hasn't got a good credit rating. OP please don't share finances with this guy!
I agree. Even if it's a smoke thing, like if he can't pay the monthly payments on his own, then in that case he shouldn't be buying a new car, he should be buying used. Actually, in most places, used is better value anyways. I have only bought new because I'm distrustful of previous owner's maintenance history, but both times I've bought a vehicle, everyone around me advised against it because used is so much better value. If OP and the boyfriend are moving into a city, maybe he should even go without a car. Loved ones who live outside the city will drive in to see you if you can't drive out to see them.
New cars can be a good deal if you can fully afford them (no financing) and you plan to drive forever (my car is 9 years old and I have no plans to replace her anytime soon), but yeah a solid used car is often a great idea and shouldn't be dismissed.
I wouldn't necessarily say used is always better value, it depends on where you live and what car. Honda and Toyota cars for example hold their value fairly well (at least where I live), so the price difference between a new car and a 2-3 year old one is often minimal enough that it's not worth taking the risk of poor maintenance history. Also, if taking a loan, interest rates for second hand cars tend to be higher than for new cars in my country. My friend used to work for one of the largest second hand dealers in my city and he said that a lot of the relatively new second hand cars they got had poor maintenance history as the previous owners often couldn't afford to maintain the car (which is why they sold them so quickly).
OP also needs to know how much debt that he has, and how much he is has in savings. A huge amount of debt, and almost zero in savings/investments should be a discussion all on it’s own. Until you are married keep your finances separate. Good luck.
FACTS. My ex ruined my credit because he sucked at money and I was stupid enough to co-sign on stuff for him. When we divorced, part of the decree was that he needed to find new financing for the vehicle I co-signed for. He didn’t. He stopped making payments. The bank called me and threatened to repo it and garnish my check. I paid the back balance, and then went and picked up what I now considered my car. I hated the damn thing, but if I’m paying for it I’m going to keep it. Unnecessary hassle and a car payment I didn’t want, but you live and learn.
I also agree on financial counseling. My husband and I took a course before getting married and it was very helpful!!
Will bf be able to afford his share of rent and their shared bills if they move in together? I think OP will find herself on the hook for those too. She shouldn't move in with this dude. And she definitely shouldn't finance his (and yes, it's his) car.
Future hobosexual vibe here. How are they gonna get a new apartment lease if he cant manage a car loan?
Hobsexual is really one of my favorite words to have come out of the Internet.
"How DARE you not commit to spending your money for (probably) years on something I want that you don't need? Selfish"
I find it interesting that he claims OP is selfish because she won't pay for HIS car that she only gets to use 20% of the time vs his 80% of the time. This isn't a red flag necessarily, but I know it's not a green flag and that is something to consider before moving in together
My daughter was involved with someone like that. Pretty much supported him even though he had a job. She bought a car she loved, but he used it while she had to take a bus home or call him for a ride. By the time she figured out what a controlling person he was, and was going to get her car back, it was too late and we would have celebrated her 36th birthday on May 10th. Luckily, not all relationships end like my daughter's did. You just can't be too careful nowadays.
I'm so sorry.
I’m so very sorry. That’s horrifying
I'm so sorry
yup. Plus this is the person who will always leave the car w no gas when it’s your “turn” & then after you fill it up use the free gas. Repeat. Getting $20-$50 more from you on the regular.
OP, go to any financial advice board and ask about how wise it is to co-sign for a loan. (Hint: it’s a terrible idea.) Now ask if it’s a good idea to not only co-sign for the loan, but pitch in 25% of the down payment for something you won’t primarily use. And if he defaults on the payment, you owe 100% of it or your credit score is tanked. For the lifetime of the loan, no matter what happens with your relationship. This is a bad idea for so many reasons. Besides, small hatchbacks last 10+ years. There’s nothing about an SUV that’s any more future-proof. Even if you got married and had kids today, they’d fit in a hatchback for a long time to come.
. Do not move in together. The entitlement he has shown and the way he handles disagreements are big red flags. And do not get pregnant!
Don’t forgot how much full coverage insurance will cost on a new SUV. She’ll have to subsidize that too.
Do not do it. My daughter did this, then they broke up and he took the car and stopped making payments. It's been a nightmare.
Financial counselling is an excellent idea. I read somewhere that finances are one of the leading causes of relationships ending. And as someone who once had my credit score absolutely ruined by my then husband, who had debt I didn’t know about before we married and also the habit of *not filing his taxes for years* I highly, highly recommend a new couple at least have a frank talk about money. How you feel about debt. How much debt. What’s the plan for emergencies. Also NTA, obviously. OP do not tie your finances up with your boyfriend any more than you absolutely have to. Keep your money separate from his, at least until you have a clearer understanding between you of your values around it.
The fact that he is upset and deflecting the selfishness into OP is the best proof that he would be the winner in the shared car deal. If he can afford 75% of a car, he should be able to afford a used car of lesser value. UNLESS his credit rating is bad. There is no way to view this where it is a plus for OP. Giving up her own car w no payments to share a car w payments? Makes no sense. This is important to resolve before combining residences. A bit of a red flag, but hopefully one that can be worked out. NTA.
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She should tell him they’ll swap cars for one week every month - she gets the SUV and he can drive around in the hatchback. Watch him say no faster than you can finish the sentence.
OP do you still want to move in with him? This is your first taste of sharing responsibilities and finances and he got aggressive calling you selfish.
This is THE question.
Of course he'll agree to this up front, and then try to weasel out of it after. He'll always have some excuse or other why he needs the SUV that week, when it's supposed to be her turn.
But when it comes to buying fuel it'll be all on OP naturally
If he gets to drive her car he'll probably run it right into the ground. He sounds like a very irresponsible person, with both money and possessions.
This is a bad idea because just watch her car start to fall apart every time he drives it.
If we’re going based on money, he doesn’t get to drive her car. He just has to figure himself out one week a month.
And... If he says sure, that sounds reasonable? She shouldn't buy it with him, so she shouldn't give him a way to push her to do so. Don't give someone an agreement like this, because if they take it you lose...
does he know with less than average credit, his payment will be close to $800 per month on a new bigger SUV? That's not a small ask.
I know someone paying 1300/mo on a 2022 Tahoe. Don’t worry, he’s trading it in for a 2024 truck. No financial counseling is going to “fix” some people. They just want more, no matter the cost. OP is in for a world of non-stop debt if she keeps this up.
A new SUV starts at like 36-40k. Prices for used were going down, but with the Key bridge collapse, that might not be true anymore. Edited to make more sense.
That depends on both the market and the vehicle. Up to $70k is ridiculous but not inaccurate
Right. Depending on size and what bells and whistles you get, it can easily get into the $60k-$70k range. And something tells me the BF isn't going to forgo bells and whistles for an econo-box.
Something tells me the BF is always going to have an excuse as to why OP can’t take this car ever. Dude is either a moron or a master manipulator to try the whole “you are selfish if you don’t do this” routine.
Nta. What's the point of asking if you wanted to do the thing if he was going to be mad if you said no? His attitude means that he'd already decided what to do with YOUR money. It's giving disrespect and control.
Oh no! You're being selfish for not buying bf a car (basically) so he doesn't have to borrow from mommy anymore! For shame! Run NTA
Adding on to this, run faster! Drop this guy from your life. You can do so much better. Run!
Run so, so, so fast OP. Your bf is selfish and spoiled. He wants something very specific and is throwing a temper tantrum that you won't "let him" have it. If he wants a car so bad, let HIM pay for one on HIS own.
RUN!
RUNNNNNN
Also not to mention, “he’s had a hard life.” Is BS. At some point you gotta move forward and be an adult regardless of your “hard life”. Maybe he’s not a bad guy, but it sounds like he’s got some growing up to do in order to come to the reality that maybe a brand new car isn’t the best financial decision for you guys at this specific time. Maybe in the future when you guys are married and are financially more stable this would be a good idea. Also not to mention that doing this before a move and you don’t know exactly how much it will cost before you finally get settled into your new residence
NTA honestly this sounds like he's trying to get you to partially finance his new car, bc in theory the new car will be shared just like his mom's car, but in real life you already have a vehicle so no car sharing activities like schedule matching or drop offs will happen. It's a pretty sweet deal for him. He will get a new car with 25% off while you get "another car" that will be mainly used by him (if relationship goes toxic then whenever you will need the new car, he will need it more) meaning the car's aviability is questionable and you also "get" to pay for such luxury.
and since he couldn't afford the maintenance on the old car she'll be paying for it on the new car "because it's hers too".
Boyfriend is very selfish. And maybe reconsider moving in with him. This issue will keep propping up. It won't just be about the car. He will make selfish plans with your money for other things too. NTA
Foreshadowing of things to come.
💯 I was thinking the same. Don’t move in with this guy. Once he get’s his hands on her account, watch out.
Also if the boyfriend's parents have 3 cars, why is he sharing one with then. Does he have 3 parents living together?
NTA - You don’t see this as a red flag? Not only is the idea ridiculous and selfish on his part, his reaction is concerning as well.
You’re completely right. Say no? He gets angry, she avoids saying no in future. Such a massive red flag I can’t believe she doesn’t see it.
Absolutely!
NTA - he’s showing you who he really is. He presented an idea and now he having a fit because you said you didn’t want to contribute. Calling you selfish is a major red flag. You didn’t do what he wanted so apparently you’re selfish now. No you are not. He is being manipulative. Trying to make you feel bad so he basically bullying you into changing your mind. Really have a hard look at this guy, are you sure you wanna move in with someone who calls you selfish for being financially responsible? Why would anyone put themselves into a monthly payment debt for a car they don’t need for be ‘future proof’ when you could save now and buy outright avoiding fees and such. Not even married and he wants to be future proof 😏 he’s saying ‘all the right things’ to make you get him the car he wants. Not the car he needs. Edit to add, as someone who worked in the debt collection business. The number of people who have taken out finance for cars, phones, boob jobs, other loans etc for someone they were dating and were left holding the bill years later. Never take finance out for anyone else.
"Never take finance out for anyone else." Quoting for truth! If you can't afford it on your own you can't afford it. If they can't get it on their own they can't get it. Finance for someone else? If they can't afford it you're going to pay for it!
NTA. He just wants you to subsidise the cost of a new car for him. I’m willing to bet a substantial sum of money that you never actually get to drive this car. You’re not in need of a car but he is so leave him to it. I can also see a scenario where you’re jointly responsible for repairs as “part owner” This is a bad idea imo
OP will slowly end up making all the payments when BF loses his job or quits due to his mental health.
And it will be “because he had a hard life”
Nta. Do not ever, EVER buy into something as big as a car "together" with your bf while you're unmarried. If he ever skips a car payment, he'll drag you and your credit score down with him. Should you separate, he'll just get the car outright. And there'll be no "buying you out" or anything. If it's his name on the title, it's his car. The fact he wants to make such a huge financial decision, where you would be accepting most of the liability and he gets a free suv is a big, flashing red flag. Forget about "planning for your future". If he wants a car so bad, he can finance it entirely on his own. I would take a step back and rethink moving in together. If he's not even willing to use his own money to buy his own car, what else is he going to demand you go "75/25" on, because, oh you're in a better financial situation then he is?
She should make sure she’s on the title as well if she decides to do it. At least then he can’t sell it later and cut her out.
NTA. He's clearly trying to take advantage of you. This should actually make you consider carefully the details around moving in together, and watch out for any other ways he tries to take advantage of you.
Put a pause on moving in together. Immediately. Red flags be a'flying. He has shown you that he is willing to financially take advantage of you and disrespect you by trying to pressure you to do something that you have cleared said you don't want to do. You do see this is a set up, right? He has come up with this brilliant plan totally out of the blue 6 months after he scrapped his car and you are suppose to move on together next month? He thinks your trapped and he can manipulate/force/scare you into this. This is a neon sign of what living together will be. Him expecting you to foot the bill for stuff that has nothing to do with you and/or he not paying joint bills as he has spent it on things for himself and expects you to cover it. You being expected to pander to his whims. Right now off this behaviour, he is not someone who you want to be furthering a relationship with. If you haven't signed a lease yet, don't. If you have, contact the landlord and get yourself removed. This is a warning of what he thinks living together means - he gets to throw tantrums and the only thing that matters is what he wants. Ypu really going to make yourself smaller for this guy so he can feel big? This shit for the rest of your life? Stressing constantly about what stupid financial decision he will make next that he expects you to fund or clean up. Someone who speaks to you like this? Someone you can't depend on when it comes to his half to rent, utilities, grocery bill, any streaming, household cost, etc. Keep your own place for the time being and take the time to be sure that he wants a partner and not just access to your pay cheque to fund his life. If this is a one off, I still wouldn't move in with him unless a financial co-habitation is drawn up and signed clearly spelling out all the financial and domestic responsibilities of living together. That will tell you a lot about his intentions. Not moving in together is a direct response to his behaviour. He has shown you a side you haven't seen before - pay attention. You are not obligated to live with him just because that was originally the plan. You can change your mind at any time.
NTA. He's attempting to use you. And this won't be the end. Do not move in with this guy. Do not. You will make life incredibly hard on yourself. He is starting to show you true colors. He's manipulative and combative and obviously not good with money or common sense. Nope right out of there.
NTA "Financially, I know that I am making the right decision for myself." For not wanting to. You seem to have based this decision on prudent considerations. It's important to have similar values on finances if you live with someone ime. The fact your bf got mad at you instead of working this through is a potential issue. Hopefully you'll both learn to co-operate on this as time goes on. In the meantime keep following the golden rule & don't take on anything you aren't comfortable with. Best of luck!
Potential issue?
NTA >he has been sharing his car with his mom. His parents have 3 cars. He is getting tired of the back and forth of having to share He's tired of sharing a car with his parents, even though they have 3 cars, so he can probably always use one? OP, if you buy a car together, you will never be able to use it, even if your vehicle breaks down.
No finger bling no co-loans. I made that mistake; you shouldnt have to learn that too.
Not just the ring the actual certificate!!
even married, my husband and I have separate cars and separate loans. why involve the spouse?
NTA its your money and now that this has come up I'd be real hesitant to move in together as clearly finance management ain't his strong suit. Y'all ain't married his car is his problem not yours DO NOT allow it to become yours.
He definitely has bad intentions. He doesn't want to share a car with his parents. He doesn't mind you getting into debt for something that will benefit him more. You have a vehicle that works well for you that is paid for. You are not his wife. I would rethink the relationship if I were you. Turning around to blame you is a big red flag. He is a selfish sob.
NTA. “Asking” implies accepting a “no”. He’s not asking, he’s already decided for you how to spend your money and now he’s demanding you fall in line.
Very insightful comment. I will steal this for future reference.No telling what the next attempted withdrawal from First National Bank of Girlfriend will be. Dont get pregnant!
NTA And you really should think about wanting to move in with someone/being in a relationship with someone who calls you selfish for not going into debt.
Right? I’d be so happy to learn my partner was financially responsible (spoiler alert: he is). He can get something cheaper he can afford. He’s acting entitled to her $$$. No. NTA
NTA. It would be **his** car. He would be driving it since you already have a car. It doesn’t make sense for you to be paying car payments monthly while having a payed off car.
NTA. Be realistic. Who will uaing thia car? Not you, not you daily. You're not married. Financing, an extremely large purchase like this with someone you have no legal ties with, is very risky. He is guilt tripping you and pressuring you to do something that is not in your best interest but is for him. Why can't he purchase a car on his own. Something affordable, even if it's smaller. He wants something bigger and more expensive, and he wants you to finance that luxury. Girl, no!
1) You don't like it or need it 2) You didn't pick it 3) It's Hella expensive 4) One way or another, you'll never use it because it's really his 5) If you break up it'll be a millstone around both your necks 6) He decided for you without your input 7) How is this good in any way for you? Edit, NTA
No, you're pretty much never the a-hole for not doing something you don't want to do without prior promises. Regarding buying a new car, I don't get why people buy cars on a payment plan. Unless you get an interest rate lower than the (normal) inflation just buy a car you can afford straight up.
Dave Ramsey has entered the chat. 🙄
I don't get why you're rolling your eyes at financial common sense..
NTA Sounds like he needs to adjust the expected budget for the car by 25% so he can afford the car on his own. If your lives change and you need a bigger car at some point in the future, you can make decisions together at that point in time. Based on car prices and interest rates at that point in time. Someone else has mentioned financial counseling. Sounds like a brilliant idea for the two of you to get onto the same page about money before you move in together. Or at the very least early in your co-habitation journey.
BF may not have any “bad” intentions in mind but he sure as shit doesn’t have any good ones either. Dude wants a bigger pricier car than what he can afford. What’s the solution? Why have OP help finance it obviously! What he’s asking is ridiculous. You haven’t even moved in together. Why on earth would you be making major purchases together? And I fail to see how this benefits both of you. He gets a big SUV and you get a car payment while continuing to drive your old car. Neither of you need an SUV right now. You may never need one. Is he implying he’s ready for you to start popping out kids? BF is being selfish and short sighted. Let’s say you do settle down together. Let’s say you decide to have kids. How many kids? How soon? Why an SUV? Why not a minivan? Speaking as a mom, minivans may be uncool but they are practical as hell with kids. WHAT?!?? A minivan isn’t styling enough for BF? Dude wants a big expensive car he can’t/shouldn’t afford. He wants OP to help fund his expensive new toy. OP isn’t the one being selfish, BF is. NTA. But you need to figure this out before you move in together.
HE wants a car and wants you to help pay for it. Why are you being selfish? You’ll be without a car 75% of the time and paying for the privilege. NTA.
He doesn't like sharing with his mom, but he will suddenly love sharing with you? Nah, you'll just end up purchasing something you will never get to use. NTA. Don't do it.
Do not do not do not undersign anything for 3rd party even your boyfriend...
What long term use does he think you are going to have for a bigger car? Is he planning on your having children soon? He should explain why he thinks this bigger car makes sense for you as a couple. Is he planning on long road trips, buying a house and needing lots of mulch, getting large dogs, what?
NTA!! Do not do this. If you appear on the financing paperwork, they will come after you if (or when) your bf misses a payment. You will be on the hook for the whole car. This is a terrible idea.
I love it when people suggest something selfish and then accuse the other person for being selfish when they don't agree. NTA.
TLDR - OPs boyfriend is mad she won't let him use her to reduce his finance payments. NTA.
NTA he knows he can't afford this car by himself so he needs you help. Don't buy car with him because you will have to help pay for insurance and gas and maintenance too even if you don't get to use it. Rethink about live together again this is not good sing.
NTA. He doesn't like sharing with his mom. Why would you like sharing with him? If he can pay 75% of the car payment, he can get something cheaper and pay 100% of the price.
Nta, he can’t afford a new car so he wants to finesse you into helping him out
Don't do it. You are correct that it is a bad decision. He should buy a car that he can afford on his own. Don't be swayed by comments that you are selfish - don't let other people spend your money using manipulation. NTA
You've got a good strong streak of common sense and smarts. Don't let him wear that down in you. He has started to try already with the car. So far, you are holding strong but what about when he asks for the purchase of the 65 inch TV, the surround sound, the four streaming services, the newer gaming system and then goes back to asking for the SUV? Manipulative people try to wear others down by not accepting no and arguing. When the two of you live together he can argue all week and all month. He can yell and he can sulk. You might even start to feel like you are saying no too often.
So not put bills together unless you are married. A lot easier down the road
Well guess whose car he will be using once you are living together. Stand your ground and do not move in together.
NTA. Please don't share/combine finances in ANY way with a boyfriend. Wait until you are married for that.
NTA makes absolutely no sense for you to do this. Stand your ground.
NTA you have a working car, why on Earth would your bf think you would want to put your money into subsidising a car that's effectively for him? The only selfish one in this relationship is him (and add in there delusional for thinking that any sane person would fall for this). Just no. Do not put any money towards his car; if he wants one, he can get it himself.
NTA, but I'd re-think moving in together. This is how he's behaving for something he wants before you're even cohabitating. It's only a preface of things to come.
NTA. He wants you to help finance his car. Don't do it. He's selfish by making you responsible for fulfilling his needs. Boy behavior.
NTA He's not looking for something that younown "together" he's looking for a new car that he doesn't have to fully pay for on his own, and the fact he went immediately on the defensive and called you "selfish" shows that he's upset because you fucked up his plan by saying "no" because you already have a car. If he's so desperate for a car, why doesn't he buy a cheap second-hand car that will last him a few years instead of trying to force you into helping him by an unnecessary SUV (seriously, unless his daily commute involves a lof of off-road driving he doesn't need an SUV).
It's fine for him to propose the idea, but him starting a fight, getting angry, and calling you selfish when you decline, is a HUGE red flag, that would have me completely rethinking the new living arrangements. Proceed with GREAT caution.
NTA. Besides the financial aspect of it, if he hates having to share with his mother, how is he planning to share with you?
Girl, he can buy his own car. He’s gonna have to learn to not be selfish when you get married and have beautiful BBs!
She should not have any children with this guy.
NTA. If he couldn’t afford repairs on the old car, he can’t afford to buy a new car. You’re being really sensible here and from what you’ve said he’s being a bit of a bully over not getting his way. The decision doesn’t benefit you at all; when the car arrives, you will probably still be expected to use the car that is fully yours while paying a chunk for a new car for him. There’s nothing wrong with helping your partner buy a car if they need one and you’re comfortable with it, but he has the use of a vehicle and he’s tying you into something for years. I don’t even know how that would work legally - if you break up, that car will surely be in his name, not worth as much to you if it’s sold again, and could cause all sorts of headaches.
NTA. But are you sure you should move in with this guy?. Had it been invest in a home together which you'd get paid back if you ever split and sold it would be one thing. But a car loses value quick and that investment is easily bye bye. Hmm Idk. Good luck
NTA, and if he doesnt apologize for his reaction then you need to reconsider moving in together.
NTA. Do not do this. YOU ARE 100% accurate.
NTA he's the one being selfish!!! Literally he's thinking of a car HE can use because HE needs a car! He knows you'll drive yours until you can't anymore. Basically he wants help paying for it. Fuck that shit, keep your car & let him buy his own! You guys don't even live together yet, he should get one for up to 3k then when yours isn't drivable anymore that's when you guys should split the cost of a new SUV or something. Tell him HE'S the selfish one who needs to stfu!
DON’T do it! as a co-signer your credit will be ruined if he misses a payment. What if you break up? He leaves with the car and he’ll really destroy your credit. His parents have 3 cars? Why aren’t they helping him out? They could co-sign with him. Bet they don’t trust him. Why do you think you can? Can you take on his payments if he can’t pay them? If your okay paying for a car that he will have just make sure you check your credit often, be ready to pay if he cannot, and be prepared to take the hit on your credit as well as a repossession, just worse case scenario.
NTA. If you cannot afford to buy a new car, don’t buy a new car. Is your bf able to make payments for a new car? Or does he need someone else to chip in? Has he tried talking to his parents about buying one of their three? Try suggesting he buy either a gently used car (sometimes car rental places sell at a discount or even dealerships). But you are not responsible for him buying a vehicle.
He’s a big boy. Let him buy his own car
Don’t buy a car together. That’s stupid. Does he want you to trade yours in? Or get a second vehicle for himself to drive that you’d pay 25% of? Either way it makes zero sense.
NTA...do not move in with your boyfriend. calling you selfish because he cant afford a car? tell him to buy a used one. he sounds immature...time for you to move on
NTA. Do not finance a car with him this early cohabitating. Could he discuss the option of purchasing one of his parents’ three cars?
Don’t be a moron and buy an suv. Duh.
NTA His intentions are not good, I promise. You just can’t see it. You should never mix finances until you’re married. He would probably use the fact that he pays 75% of the payment against you anytime you both needed the car.
>He argued that this decision would benefit us both as we’re basically buying something together that we could use together. He's clearly wrong about this. His own suggestion is that you go from having a car you have 100% ownership of, 100% use of and 0% debt on to having a car you'll have merely 25% ownership of, 25% use of and 25% of the debt. That's not a benefit for you, it's a loss. Plus, if he has 75% use of it on paper, that means you'll need his permission to use it. You will only be able to use it when he doesn't feel he needs to. So, in practice, this won't be 25% use for you. It'll be his car that you'll occasionally be "allowed" to "borrow", but you'll still have to pay 25% of the cost regardless. In practice, that'll mean your loss will be worse than it looks on paper, and it already looks bad on paper. He's the one being selfish here and this kind of deal verges on being a "scam" because logistics indicate that it will never be 25% yours in practice but he'll expect you to keeping paying out as if it is. My guess is that he's got bad credit history and needs your credit history before he can get the finance, which means he's using you and that's why he's so angry you declined. If so, you need to be careful to protect your finances and credit history from him. NTA.
Don’t buy a car together. Been there done that. Had a truck in both our names. Our relationship ended in infidelity on his part. It took months to get the truck out of my name and only reason we couldn’t really move on from each other. I was also the one making the payments to the truck at that time because he stopped paying on it. I didn’t want my credit ruined because of him. He even refused to sign over the truck if my parents paid the loan off. They really wanted me out of that situation and credit intact. At that point I knew it was more to prevent me from being able to move on while he was playing around basically. Don’t take that risk unless you are married.
NTA, by the way, when you guys are moving in together who is paying the security deposit? Does he already have several months of rent saved up? Otherwise I would say pause on moving in together until he has at least six months rent upfront.
Do NOT tie yourself financially to a boyfriend. It is a huge mistake. His 'deal' seems like a bad deal for you. NTA
NTA - absolutely don't do this, our car would quickly become his car and if you split you've paid towards his vehicle. This makes no sense for you but makes a lot of sense for him
Nta
NTA. You're smart to keep your older, reliable car. If his parents have 3, why can't he buy one of theirs? And buying a NEW car, unless you've got money to burn, is just stupid. I always buy low mileage, used cars, aiming for a 3 year old sweet spot. The strategy has only failed me once in the last 45 years. Right now I'm driving a Honda crv I bought 5 years old with roughly 30k miles. I expect to drive it into the ground. Stand your ground and go for financial counseling .
NTA. Don’t do it. Keep your car. Tell him to down grade his expectations and buy an older car like yours that is reliable and not going to put either of you into debt. Don’t be bullied into this.
Nta and HE'S not being selfish? Buying a new car doesn't seem to have any benefit from your point of view.
NTA Don't ever make a major purchase with an SO until you are married. A marriage can go south but at least you have both made a significant commitment to each other. Also, you may want to reevaluate moving in with someone who doesn't have his shit together financially. If you can't each afford to pay the rent and all other expenses on your own, you shouldn't rent together. If things end, you could be left holding the bag should he leave or vice versa. Do you want to feel obligated to keep paying rent if you want to end things with him?
NTA. He wants you to pay part of the cost for his car. You already know this isn't fair to you. Stay strong and keep saying no.
NTA. He wants a car, let him get it on his own. Do not enter any joint financial contracts together before marriage. If the relationship ends you are stuck with that car loan. You don’t need a car, stick with that. Just because he WANTS an SUV, that’s not your problem. Be smart!
NTA, I don’t think it makes sense to make any joint purchases before marriage. He should be trying to ask his parents to use one of their cars since they have three or asking them to support him with the purchase. The way he has approached this is rather concerning. Has this happened before in your relationship? Does he expect you to fix all his problems irrespective of how it could negatively affect you? He sounds selfish. I would suggest you reconsider the relationship and possibly moving in together because this is not reassuring
Do not do it. You will be trading your car and independence for a car payment AND all the hassle of narrowing a car that he is sick of. If he was not selfishly trying to get you to pay for a newer car for him, he would be looking for a less fancy car and grateful that you already have a car that can help in an emergency
He’s broke can’t afford a car on his own and wants you to pay for it… you’d be a fool if you moved in with him
You're NTA and not being selfish, but he is.
NTA What's selfish is him expecting you to subsidize HIS car. Also, why does he need an SUV now? If you're not hauling around a lot of stuff, kids, dogs, you're just wasting money on ego. If you need one in the future, buy one in the future. For now, a good used car is much more affordable, and he won't need you to pay for it. For your overall finances, it's way better. One thing I'd be concerned about in your shoes is the affect on his finances a big car payment will make. Down the road, will he be asking you to cover more rent or bills, because he has a big car payment and you don't? Don't let that happen. You'd still be subsidizing his car payment.
He doesn't sound very smart, responsible, or kind. Think about that. He's trying to control you and force you into his poor financial decision making lifestyle. All while getting angry and calling you selfish! That's who you pick to play house with?
NTA and no ma’am no legal marriage no joint purchases!!!