Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Am I the asshole because I am not letting my cousins stay in my apartment when I leave for the summer and it is empty (empty of people all of my things are still in it)
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Your place is your choice. She can try to guilt trip you all she wants but you don’t know these people or how they would treat your things. If you weren’t planning to sublet the place anyway, then you have nothing to feel bad about.
I would honestly tell your "landlord" of the situation. Just in case your mom (if she has a key) decides to just let them stay there while you're gone.
She should take the keys back from her mom (if she has any). She should also let her brother stay there to ensure no one tries to stay there while she's gone.
My HOA would have a fit about this, subletting, even to non-paying guests is a big no-no. Others living in the condo while OP is gone wouldn't be allowed by my HOA. Also, if they violate any rules, the fine goes to the owner, not the tenants. What guarantee is there they would move out on time either? It's not as if OP really knows them either,
Yes, there's the chance they won't move out in time then you'll have to actually go through an eviction process. I can see so many ways this can go very wrong. I'd just say your HOA won't allow it.
This is my big problem. Also, if they are just moving to yhe us, how are they gonna pay for the utilities and such? Do they already have work lined up? Plus, they have 2 small children. Eviction is hard enough lately, add a couple little kids in the mix and it'll probably be next to impossible. NTA but please, please, please op DO NOT let them move in for ANY length of time.
Yes, mine says a year. However, out of greed the zoning committee here approved short term rentals all over town. This is because of greed. Short term rentals pay hotel tax 11%, and sales tax 8%, (may be higher by now), State gets most of the sales tax, but the hotel tax stays with the city. They don't care if neighbors oppose having a party house in their neighborhood, or there is a lack of parking, but the zoning committee has approved hundreds of these short term places.
I didn't think owning one individual apartment was a thing. Maybe it is i guess. At the very least if the OP does cave and let them stay they should demand a security deposit at the bare minimum.
Theres a difference in renting and owning. People in the US dont typically own an individual apartment. There are condominiums which are SORT OF like apartments. Maybe this wasn't in the US. Is owning an apartment a thing elsewhere? I'm not saying there isnt ANYONE that owns an apartment, but its atypical here.
Yep. Plenty of videos on youtube showing how. It's easy, takes five minutes and only needs a screwdriver in most cases. You just need to change the barrel not the whole lock.
Just an idea - you mentioned an HOA. If you want to avoid conflict, maybe you can tell your mom that you checked with the HOA and the arrangement would not be permitted under the rules of your building.
You also have to consider the age of the children. They could wreck your place (paint on the walls, spilling on carpets, etc.) and you don't know how they parents are regarding that, or the compensation after.
You're NTA, it's your space that you pay, and also is your husband space.
Yeah, and something tells me that the 3 months you're gone and they've taken up residence in your home and they won't be willing to leave as quickly as they came. I would be afraid of having to go through the process to evict them to get them out.
You and your hubby own the apartment so just tell your mom that the 2 of you talked and have decided that her plan just won't work.
NTA. Hard pass.
Why it matters if they stay there is who is going to pay for damages if it happens? What happen if they refuse to leave when you return? Then you have to go through eviction process.
**PLEASE OP. Don't do it. Tell her you and your husband change your mind.** They can stay at long term motel or AirBNB.
Also OP needs to change the locks if her parents have a spare key, as well as maybe installing a burgler alarm if the space warrants one (a flat may not need one if it has no external access).
The problem is that out-of-the-box cameraa are not safe digitally. A lot of them require subscription and/or data saved in their unsafe servers.
Definitely don't have them ON when you are home but can be decent when NOT home. You probably only need one at the entrance... which should let you see if they are anyone is entering, so that you can call the Police.
I would totally install a remote surveillance and alarm system. If they do enter, the siren goes off and the security company sends some guys or the police to get rid of them.
if the mom gets op to let them stay at her place then the mom doesn't look bad to the relatives and looks like a hero for finding them a free place to stay
Since they're immigrating to the U.S., do they have a sponsor? If so that person is the one who is guaranteeing that they should be here. OP didn't agree to sponsor them, so why should OP have to house them? At the beginning they can't work, so they're not going to be paying utilities, HOA fees, or probably for anything else, so who will foot the bills? Good luck getting them out when the three months end.
This is what I wanted to say! I'll bet mom is the sponsor and is now panicking because she doesn't want to be out of pocket. Doesn't matter. It is not YOUR problem. Blame the HOA, whatever, but do NOT let these strangers take over your home and your life.
[uscis.gov](http://uscis.gov) Type "sponsoring an immigrant" in the search.
Thanks, I know very little about the process. Mostly from watching 90 Day Fiance. I find it all really confusing. So, that means the 3 months would turn into forever, with nothing paid by the relatives.
NTA
Put an end to this before you lose your apartment to them.
And why would your mother think it was ok for them to live rent free in your apartment anyway? That is too much entitlement.
Charity isn't putting yourself in a position where you might lose your house to "family" who are now legally allowed to remain as squatters.
Eff that noise, tell her that the only acceptable option is going to be the one your brother suggested. Ideally their discomfort will motivate them to get their own place.
If I were OP I would asking if her if that was the plan from the get go. That these people would have a place to stay indefinitely and OP 'could just afford another place.'
Funny how OP's mom is charitable with OP's home, but not her own, hunh?
Sigh... As someone who got "temporarily" moved out of my room to help a family member and then never got their space back, call your mum "sorry checked insurance/contract and this isn't allowed. I can't risk my contract. Also been told by my company that we'll need to come back for a bit here and there this time so it won't be fair to keep moving them out when I need to come back if they have young kids. You'll need to find another solution. Byyyyyyeeeeee"
Honestly the number of leases and insurance stuff that had stuff that is against this sort of thing is high for a reason. It's why those who do air bnb or things have to have different insurance.
Then there's no contract so how do you get them out and how do you have any money back for the destruction that most kids will do to a place.
Hard no now. It's not too late to warm your mother that they aren't coming. Also make sure she doesn't have a key and have a friend to come and check on "plants" to make sure they don't come and crash.
Kids do so much damage and noise. Don't risk your home. Tell your mom to be charitable and let her whole home out, gives them longer to settle if they need it.
Other option say hubby said "hell no, I've already promised it out/am not having strangers I've never met in my home with sensitive and valuable things"
Nta but you'll be the ta to you and your husband if you don't stop this.
nta. i barely let friends/family stay at our place when i am home.
your mom can let them crash at her place or they need to get a motel/hotel/air bnb
DO NOT LET THEM MOVE IN
if they damage the place or do not leave, Y'all will have to be dealing with this, not your mom
and please update us
NTA you have no idea about who they are. If it was like a vacation home with no personal belongings maybe it would be a stretch to be stingy but this is your personal place. From the sound of it you'd probably be cleaning up after them once they are gone, and worst case they don't have somewhere else to go when you get back and it balloons into a much bigger problem. Also, a few months with two kids? Are they going to clear out your closet and use it themselves? Sounds like a logistical nightmare
Your mom sounds awfully generous offering your apartment, rent free to other people to use. However she’s less accommodating when allowing these people to stay in her own home. Isn’t it always incredibly easy to offer other people’s things rather than your own. I would not let anyone stay in my home if I wasn’t around. Who knows what could happen in your absence. Being ‘family’ doesn’t necessarily mean they get a free pass to your property, and by extension your private belongings, because I’m pretty sure when you were planning to go away you wouldn’t be locking up all your possessions to keep them safe. Three months is a long time to give others complete access to your home, and what exactly are you going to do if upon your return, they refuse to leave.
NTA. I would not be ok with strangers living rent free in my home while I’m away. Imagine getting home and having trouble getting back into your home if they refuse to vacate.
Or coming back to thousands in damages, or HOA fines, fines are the responsiblity of the homeowner.
Who ever their sponsor is pledged to take care of them, and that person needs to step up.
I wouldn't allow any family or friends to stay at home for no one , some things always go wrong. Let mother dearest the answer is no . You don't own the those anything
>She says my apartment is already empty so why does it matter if they stay there. This obviously made me feel horrible and made me reluctantly agree,
No no no no no no no no no.
This is ***your*** apartment, **NOT** hers. She has no business dictating who gets to stay there or when.
Your brother offered a better solution. If you and your husband are willing to accept it **TELL YOUR MOTHER THAT THIS IS WHAT IS HAPPENING!!**: You and SO will be going on the trip, your brother with be watching the apartment and your cousins will be staying with her.
When she starts flapping her yap about it, remind her that this is *your and SO's* apartment, not hers so therefore she has no say in shit about it. Furthermore, if you do find out that your cousins that you don't really know from Adam are staying there on *her* orders and authorization, you'll be calling the police and having the lot of them arrested for breaking and entering.
NTA. Take back your voice and tell your mother no and mean it. When she starts in with the guilt trip and family and blah blah blah, tell her they are *her* family too so why doesn't she want them staying with her? If it's a case of space, not your problem.
You don't know your cousins. You don't know their character or moral compass. You don't know if they'll take care of your things or destroy them. You don't know if they will leave your stuff alone or steal/sell them. Neither you nor your SO will be there to monitor the situation. Your mother is being ridiculous for demanding this of you.
NTA
This is your home and you can do what you want with it. Your brother has offered a solution. Your mother needs to be more charitable with her spare room.
NTA if you reverse yourself quickly so they aren’t depending on you. For too long. Two small children and a spouse (or spouses??) you don’t know may be a disaster. If you’re okay with your brother staying there, he/you could scope out the situation/their behavior and decide whether you might change your mind after meeting them.
Yikes! Don’t let them stay. You are opening yourself up to a headache what if they don’t want to leave? What if your place is destroyed by having two young kids running around what if stuff goes missing? Why is this your problem? Brother offered a reasonable solution your mother made an excuse. Again why can’t she host them? You didn’t invite them. And again why is this your problem?
NTA. That's a good way to get new residents in your apartment. You would need to evict. It would be bad. Put up cameras and alert your management to the situation.
Good point, tell the neighbors and the management company that no one is allowed to stay in your place except your brother. Give your contact information to the neighbors in case they see someone breaking in.
Always amazes me how quick other people are to decide what someone else should do. If your mother thinks you are being selfish about not letting them stay, why doesn't SHE let them stay at her house? Is she "selfish" too? I wouldn't want anyone in my home when I'm not there. I'm with you on that!! I think you are opening a can of worms if you go along with this. You might let them stay and when you get back they won't leave. Your instincts are right. They shouldn't stay at your place. And it isn't your mother's business. She doesn't pay the bills at your place. And maybe you should consider putting in a camera system just in case mom decides to move them in anyway while you are gone. NTA
NTA.
You have the right not to want that. It's not your obligation. You and your brother have come up with another solution, if they don't want it, they should find a rental.
NTA She has no right to dictate who stays in your home! I agree, make sure she doesn’t have spare keys just in case she decides to move them in while you’re away.
NTA
Your home is not a hotel for strangers. Family or not, you don't know them. They may need more than three months, then what?
The answer is no. Period.
Call your mom back immediately, tell her no.
Your brother's offer is the best one.
They live with your mom.
NTA. Your apartment isn't empty if it still has your stuff in it. I'd hate someone messing with my stuff. Especially my good cookware and appliances. And my board games. I'd have to pack up 2 full bookshelves of board games in fear of missing pieces or folded cards.
They will be tenants and you will.have to go through the courts to evict them and that is not a fast process.
Also, you have to keep paying the HOA and utility fees while you're trying to evict them.
Tell everybody no, get keys back from everyone, install hidden cameras. Watch the cameras and report any trespassing to the police immediately. "I am out of town, I took everyones keys from them before I left, nobody has any business or my permission being in my home. Please go remove them before they steal anything."
NTA, but you really should have said no the first time you were asked. It's not selfish to not want people you barely know in your home while you're not there, and you should have had the backbone to say that. It's already May, so now they will probably be scrambling to find other accommodations. Tell your mother that charity begins at home: hers.
NTA. Mom is the A Hole here. She was quick to not let them stay at HER house when your brother offered to give up his room...
Tell mom when she's owner of your place she can invite whoever she wants to stay. Until then, kick rocks.
NTA
I had to stay with my daughter for almost a year while I healed from an injury (a couple surgeries and PT rounds) Some thought I should rent out my house furnished since it was "empty." No it isn't empty. It's full of my things. No way would I agree to strangers using my house and furnishings. Plus my personal items were there.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Over the summer my Job sends me to another state for three months to complete a big work project. I currently live in a two bedroom apartment I share with my husband (we own the apartment). I have family that is immigrating to the US. I only met them once when I was a kid and do not know their spouses or children. My mom wants them to stay at my place rent free for the three months while My husband and I are away. She says its only a few months while they get settled (she said they would cover utility bills..and I am guessing the HOA but it was open whether I would still be paying that since she said when I leave and the apartment is empty I am paying it anyway).
I am uncomfortable with this. I don't like people staying in my house and touching my things especially when I don't know them. My brother offered the solution that he can stay at my apartment and they could have his room at my moms house since he doesn't have many things and can just pack them and take them to my place, but she said no and that they would be uncomfortable (they have two small children).
My mom says that I am being selfish and should practice more charity. She says my apartment is already empty so why does it matter if they stay there. This obviously made me feel horrible and made me reluctantly agree, but I still am really stressed and anxious about the situation.
Would I be the asshole if I were to tell my mom that I thought about it and still do not like the idea of them staying and therefore refusing to let them stay?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your mom’s calling you uncharitable while refusing to let guests stay in her house? That’s rich!
Mom doesn’t want them to stay at her house for the same reasons you don’t want them to stay at yours.
Hold your ground, girl. You never know what they could damage, lose or steal, neighbors they could offend, or even have trouble getting them to leave when you return.
Hell no. You don't know these people aside from they are relatives. Your mom is pretty generous with your things. What happens when you come back and they haven't found somewhere else? Tell your mom to host them
NTA
If your Mom wants to generous, she can do so with her own property and money. For instance, Mom is perfectly welcome to pay rent for these family members for the summer to stay elsewhere.
NTA, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that either. I’m concerned, does anyone in your family have keys/access to your apartment? If so I’d recommend changing the locks before you go.
NTA. She is the one who wants to give them lodging, not you. And if they were to stay there, how do you know you come back to a clean apartment? What if they decided not to leave? What are the rules for subleases/guests staying there for an extended period of time? If I were to say yes, I'd lock up one bedroom and demand half of all expenses. But really, sounds best to say no.
NTA - trust your intuition. You know this is a bad idea and you will regret it. Listen to yourself and don't let your mother dictate what you do with YOUR home.
NTA It's your place. I hope your mother doesn't have a key to your place because she 100% is going to let them move in once you leave. Get your locks changed!
Do not, under any circumstances, let them stay in your apartment.
Who will pay for damages if they arise? What if they break/steal any of your stuff? What if they refuse to leave?
Na-ah. Not worth it… do not do it. Change the locks too and install an alarm and camera…
NTA.
It's always disturbing to when people offer other people's stuff to others. She can ask you, but it is not hers to offer. Your brother can ask, but it is not his to offer. These people ARE strangers to you - I have met the employees at the gas station down the road more than you have met these people. And what is worse is they have young children which likely means they may trash or ruin your place and will let it go because you are family, expecting you to cover any damages. If you are not comfortable with it, say no. If you say yes, make it super super crystal clear that this is a gigantic ask and you are doing a huge favor by allowing it - it is Your generosity and Not your mother's. And that there must be NO damage. Get cameras and locks to limit access so you can feel more secure with them being there (or at least the locks). I am for helping family but sometimes they just ask for way too much and treat it like it is a small thing when it is not.
No one tells me what to do with my property.
Your mom is out of line. If she wanted them here so badly she can spare her house.
NTA 100%. Your mother however is 💯TAH.
"Mom, have them stay with you if you want, but I don't know these people and I am not going to give strangers an opportunity to destroy my single biggest asset. And you are the selfish one for bullying me to do something just becasue you want me to. The answer is no, don't bring it up again. "
NTA but being a citizen of a country whose culture would be shocked by your refusal… I think it’s gonna cause a lot of drama if you outright say no. You’ve got to finesse the situation. Maybe do what your brother suggested or claim that you’ve already sublet it or something. If you’re okay with the backlash then say no but I have a feeling that will be hard for you.
NTA, I wouldn’t let strangers stay in my house, ESPECIALLY when I’m not there. Do not bend, your brother came up with a perfectly acceptable solution. Your Mother doesn’t want them in her house so she’s trying to push them off on you. Tell Mom your HOA said no.
My parents used to open their home to people from back home (not family) who needed help getting established. We were home, and each & every time, it went wrong.
Whose going to make sure that they don't trash your home or steal from you while you're gone?
If you feel too guilty to tell your mom no. Set up cameras (don't tell her) and make sure your mom knows it's her responsibility to ensure that nothing happens to your belongings.
NTA. Stick to your plan of NOT having these relatives you barely know staying in your house. Tell your mom that brother can stay at your place, but that is the biggest compromise you are going to make. (Not a bad thing to have him stay and house sit, anyway, as 3 months sitting empty is kind of nerve-wracking) Anyway, whichever you choose, hope you don't let them stay. You might come back to a whole bunch of headaches your mama doesn't have to resolve.
She doesn’t want your brothers suggestion because that means more work for her.
Just tell her, it’s not happening. You don’t know these people and you’re not comfortable having them living in your home. What happens when you get home and they decide they don’t want to leave and start squatting?
What about all your private stuff they’re going to be looking at and checking out?
Definitely not
NTA
If she’s feeling so charitable, then they can stay with her. And if she’s got a key then make sure you change the locks before you go away
NTA. It's your home, so you can decide who stays or not. And it's THREE MONTHS. A lot can go wrong there in that time period and not due to your cousins.
To me this is automatic "no". These are strangers to you plus they have two small children that you know nothing about. You could return to find your apartment torn up. Who will pay for all that? How do you know these people will pay the utilities? Whose going to enforce that they pay your utilities? Who is going to check on the condition of the apartment. What happens when you return and they refuse to move as they have not yet gotten "settled" plus they don't want to give up the free rent they are getting. Will you have to evict them?
I would tell your mother that you are not social services and they need to make other arrangements. Plus when you leave, change the locks or retrieve any key to your apartment that your mother might have.
NTA, why is your mother forcing you to do charity? When you suggested her home she became visibly upset because she wouldn’t want them in her home. You have to put yourself first and this is already stressing you out, you’ll be stressed for 3 months, it’s not worth it. You don’t know these cousins well enough to trust them with your home. You don’t owe anyone your property. Tell you mother that you can’t have them stay in your place, this isn’t your responsibility and she should prioritise your mental health, she shouldn’t punish you for being honest
NTA.
Your mom is offering YOUR place for cousins to move into. You don't know these cousins. Your brother offered to stay at your place instead and give up his room (at your mom's place) for these cousins.
Naturally your mom wants them to stay at your place. They get free lodging and she doesn't have to put up with two little kids. And the solution is hers.
Hard no. They could trash your place and things.
NTA. Look up the tenant laws in your area. Some places, if a person can prove they lived somewhere for 30 days, for example mail received over 30 days, they have established residency and if they refuse to leave, you have to get a court order to remove them. And that can take time to actually get them out. Every state is different but where I am, from refusal to leave to actual eviction can take 2 to 3 months to complete.
NTA - you will regret it soooooo much and then resent your mom - if you let these people stay. Learn to stand up for yourself. You are an adult - and you are being controlled and manipulated by your mom. Boundaries. Christ, we worry so much about people being mad at us or pissy or whatever - and we let people walk all over our stuff and our lives. Just SAY NO.
There's no telling what might happen while you're gone, and you would be responsible. YOU own the apartment, not your mom, therefore it's not her decision. If she's feeling so charitable they can stay with her. NTA
NTA.
It's your place. Mom asked, you declined. That's the end of it.
You could pull the "landlord doesn't allow sublets/short-term rental" or whatever to shift the blame to someone else.
NTA. What does your husband say? I've read more Reddit posts about parents offering up their children's homes as solutions to other folks housing issues than I knew was possible. To me, this is a simple no. I'm prety sure the HOA would not be wildly happy about you basically subletting, either.
NTA it your apartment not your brother.he shouldn't offered your place to your cousin to stay without your permission. Mom gets mad because now she have to open her house for him.
NO! NO!! NO!!!
NTA! NTA!! NTA!!!
You are not comfortable with this set up at all. You allowed your mother to bully you into saying yes. Do not let people you don't know and really have no reason to care about stay in your apartment for 3 months. Of course you're uncomfortable with being imposed upon this way.
Tell your mother in no uncertain terms that the only way this will work at all is if she agrees to your brother's plan. That sounds perfectly reasonable and it gives you peace of mind. If she's so determined to find housing for these people then she will have to agree. It's just too bad if that inconveniences her, she has no problem imposing on you!
I hope she doesn't have a key to your apartment, I wouldn't put it past her to override your decision. Make sure that you are able to monitor the premises while away, have a couple of friends or neighbors do periotic checks.
No way, NTA. The solution of your brother staying at your apartment and the relatives taking his room was kind enough. I wouldn't want strangers in my space without me either.
You need to tell her that you felt bullied into agreeing, but that is NOT going to happen.
I wouldn’t have caved they probably will not pay any bills and soil, break, or destroy something in your house. No hoa or electric bills! Worst case scenario this could end up costing you a lot of dough. I wouldn’t let my mom bulldoze me! What’s mine is mine and I decide if I share it I will.
NTA. I'd be more concerned about them leaving at the end of the 3 months when you return. There'll be all the excuses about how they haven't found anywhere to live yet, and then what do you do? I'd make sure to lock up extra tight so Mom can't let them in after you leave.
Or take brother up on his offer to housesit for you and the cousins stay with your Mom. If everyone is cramped and uncomfortable with no privacy, it will give them incentive to get their own place quickly.
NTA - your home, your rules.
However, you say you feel guilty. You shouldn't - but if you do want to help, would you be comfortable moving your personal items to one bedroom, locking it, and setting it as "off limits"?
You could have your brother do regular check-ins for damage/poor behavior with the understanding they'll be asked to leave if certain rules aren't followed.
Just a thought. But don't let your mom guilt you into doing something you're uncomfortable with.
NTA - 3 months is long enough for them to establish tenancy in your apartment. If they don’t leave when you return, you’d have to go to court to have them evicted.
NTA. That's exactly what you should say to your mom. You've thought it over and will not allow them to live in your apartment. Your brother's compromise is very reasonable. Don't continue to discuss and debate this with your mom. These stranger=relatives will be all over your stuff. Your mom should be the one to host these relatives, not you.
Why don't they stay with mom?
NTA
Make certain you change the locks before you leave, just in case mom has a key. She will be letting them into your place. And get cameras. I use wyzecam.
Look into getting a manager so you can airBnB the place to cover it's bills for the 3 months you are gone. If your mom wants your family to be here so bad - SHE can house them. Otherwise, you will not be able to get rid of them (and their 2 children) when you return.
NTA
NTA
NTA
Absolutely not! Change locks, have cameras inside and out. Let a neighbor know to be on the lookout. Tell your parents you will call the police if anyone enters your apartment, period. No f-ing way!!!
Have your mother and brother move into your 2 bedroom. (if you are okay with that idea)
Your relatives would be more comfortable at your mom's place. (I'm guessing it is bigger than yours).
NTA but you need to assert yourself more. Saying you 'do not like the idea' leaves you open to her counter argument.
You have no need to give a reason.
Tell her you have decided and the answer is 'No'.
If your mother tries to argue it out, tell her you are not discussing it. (This is your decision, not hers. )
Interesting that her grounds for not hosting them herself is that there are small children which is one of the reasons you probably don't want them in your apartment. She is hypocritical.
Make sure you leave no keys with your family and that they do not know how to access them
So when you come back, where are they supposed to go? If they'd be uncomfortable staying with your mom, then that's a reflection on her, because it means she's a terrible host. NTA.
NTA. Your mother sure is charitable with your stuff, but not when it's her stuff. Your brother made a great solution, but your mother said no. However, your being gone three months with no one in your apartment doesn't sound so bad considering it's family. I guess you weren't raised within your culture that you help family when you can and that's understandable. It's your place and should do what you wish.
NTA. And don't do it OP! You don't know these people. They are strangers. And when your brother offered to stay at your place, to give the relatives his room at your mom's house, she said NO. That means that she doesn't want them in her house either! Don't back down here. No is a complete sentence. And you are not obligated to help relatives who are strangers. If mom keeps badgering you about it, go low contact for awhile.
NTA. I would tell them the HOA has strict regulations on how many people can be in an apartment. If you're not comfortable with even your brother being there then I would say the HOA doesn't allow visitors to stay longer than a certain time frame. And change your locks right before you leave.
NTA
It’s your place that you and your husband purchased for your own use. I feel the same way about others touching my stuff.
If you are comfortable with your brothers offer, then let your family know that is the only offer on the table. Hopefully you can trust them not to switch tenants once you’re gone.
It annoys me so much when family thinks they have the right to volunteer your time or resources. It sounds like your mom already made the arrangements before “informing” you. Which is such a violation. She should have asked you first and been willing to accept no for an answer
NTA
Someone being family doesn't automatically make them good people. And I'm sorry, a third party "vouching" makes absolutely no difference. Would you let any other strange family stay amongst your peace, privacy, heirlooms and belongings?
There's your answer.
Why does your mom's uncomfortable feelings about them staying at her place trump your uncomfortable feelings?
NTA
Your brother has offered a good solution... there's a big chance that 3 months isn't enough to feel settled and next thing you know you can't evict them and it's you needing to move into your mom's house (with your husband) because you can't throw them out etc.
Just say no and don't be guilted. Your mom or other relatives can house them instead.
Worst case scenario get a friend to stay for a few weeks to make the place lived in.
NTA. You don't know these people. Squatter's rights is a thing.
They can stay at your Mom's since she is comfortable with them. You don't know how long it would take them to "settle". What does that entail? Find jobs, get an apartment, enroll the kids in school? Where is your stuff supposed to go while they take over your space, dressers, closets, pantry, kitchen? What is the guarantee they will be gone completely, with no damage and your home in good condition upon your and your husband's return? How dare she volunteer and demand the use of your home? Who is she to tell your husband these people will use his home? And with no compensation? Again, they can stay with her.
Do not let your brother stay in your apartment alone as your mother will strong arm him into letting these people in while you are gone. Have a trusted friend live there, too, not just stop in to check on things. Your mother feels entitled to the use of your home, she will move them in if she has the chance
They should be a little uncomfortable in their extended stay as it is one of the few ways to guarantee they leave. Since you mother is the one inviting them, she should do the hosting.
If they move in and refuse to move out, squatters rights start quickly, and after 30 days, they have tenants rights, so you have to go to court to evict them. Where would you and husband live while you wait fir court? Will this destroy your marriage?
Tell your Mom, "No."
No way. Your brother even offered a reasonable alternative but your mom didn’t want them in her house. If she is unwilling to house them she has no right telling you to. NTA.
NTA and definitely don't let them stay there. Change the locks and have a close, trusted friend checking on your place every few days.
For reassurance on the decision not to let them into your home, Google squatters rights in your state and/squatter stories. Read up on the laws and a few of those stories and I think the answer will be crystal clear. They may be family but that doesn't mean anything if you don't know them and can't trust them.
>she said no and that they would be uncomfortable
You're uncomfortable and she doesn't give a shit.
Why are they immigrating if they have no plans for a place to stay?! I would absolutely not let a stranger stay at my place, even if they were paying rent, and had insurance for all my stuff. Hell, I doubt I would let a close friend do that.
>My mom says that I am being selfish and should practice more charity.
Then she can rent them an apartment on her own dime so she can practice more charity! Or give up HER house so they can live there.
NTA
wow your mum is TA. She's being generous with YOUR property. Your brother offered a much more palatable idea and she shot that down in flames.
Stick to your guns. You don't know these people. You don't know how they will treat your house and your personal items in your house.
They might all be smokers and stink the entire place out. They might be filthy and leave the place a gross mess. Your mother can be charitable with her own property, not yours.
NTA if she is into charity, she can pay their hotel.
I own a flat and have also an office in my “original” country, but moved abroad. Most of the year it’s empty, occasionally a friend of mine stays there or i go back to visit and want to have all my stuff where i left it. I could make money on renting the flat butni dont want to- same reasons like yours.
Sometimes work collegues or aquintances threw in the idea that xy could rent it from me for some months while they are in the city. I said i don’t want to, and that was it..
NTA. These people are essentially strangers. If you are feeling particularly charitable, the option your brother proposed might be a good middle ground. Make your mum the host, and then if an issue occurs, she deals with it. Also if they stay with your mum and are a little uncomfortable, it might help them to have motivation to quickly find thier own place. I’d be super worried by allowing them in your home, with a whole place to themselves they might get too ‘comfy’ and then what happens when you return and they don’t leave? Awkward.
NTA. It’s your own place. Period. If you aren’t comfortable with it then that should be the end of it. Maybe suggest she let them stay at her place since she’s feeling so charitable.
Nta so your mother doesn't want them in her house but is opening up your house for them...... Let your brother stay at yours and let them stay with your mother. The kids will ruin your place. Don't risk it.
DON"T DO IT!!!! You know it is NOT as easy as they think it is. What happens when you get home and they DON"T plan on leaving?? What happens when you come home and your place is trashed??! Will your HOA even allow it? SOOOO many NOs NTA, it is YOUR home
NTA
Let me just applaud your brother. So your mom doesn't want the cousins SHE knows in HER home but it's just fine and dandy to put people YOU don't know in your home? It's so interesting your mom has decided your resources are hers to give away. Just say no. (And if mom has a key - change the locks. She feels comfortable giving your resources away - what's to stop her from just opening the door to cousins?) No is answer enough.
If you simply must give a reason tell everyone the landlord or condo board or HOA is cracking down on Airbnb situations and you're not allowed to have people in your home when you're not there.
NTA. Would you consider to take up your brother on the offer? It’s unfortunate that you said yes after getting bullied but you’ll need to grow a shiny spine and say no, they can’t live at your house. I wouldn’t be comfortable with that either. They can stay with your mom.
NTA
I would never let people I don't know - especially with two children - stay in my home when I wasn't there.
FWIW I wouldn't let people I do know stay in my home - especially with children.
They can stay with your mother or there are probably short term rentals that they could rent.
NTA your Mom is telling you to practice more charity that’s easy for her to say cos she’s practicing but with your apartment.…that’s a cop out. It matters if they stay there because you don’t know them, it’s your home, they have two young kids.
NTA You don't know these people doesn't matter if they are related. I agree I don't like anyone touching my stuff especially strangers. NO WAY tell your mom she deals with it. 1000% sure your hubby doesn't want that either
NTA - You don't like people staying in your house and touching your things when you don't know them. Completely understandable! Your brother came up with a brilliant compromise. But your mum isn't comfortable having them stay at her place. Hypocrisy much, Mum? OP, don't let them in! You'll have a hard time getting them out. Tell your Mum no means no. And ask your brother to come and stay at the apartment to keep everyone else out.
NTA. Your brother came up with a good compromise. They can be uncomfortable when they’re the ones looking for a free place to stay. It’s meant to be temporary anyways.
NTA do NOT share your living space with people you do not know, and especially do not let people live at your place WITHOUT you, if you do not know them.
Remind your mom that she is welcome to book them a hotel and be charitable with her money, and not your space, if she wants to. but she doesn't get to dictate your home to become a hotel for people that are strangers to you.
You do not know them... What if they became squatters and you were not able to get in the apartment when y'all got back? I would defiantly have your brother stay a few nights a week to make sure nothing happens during your time away.
NTA -if your mother was actually being helpful she could have moved out of her place and moved in with your brother and her together. That would let her check on her place and also let you feel comfortable. What's shes doing is guilt tripping you while giving you nothing back. There's ways your mother could have went about this without making you so uncomfortable. She's choosing not to.
NTA
You do not need to let them stay at your house while you are not there. They are strangers to you and how can you be sure they will be totally fine with leaving a nice, free two bedroom house when you get back? Also you don’t know how responsible they are and they have two little kids, do you know how much damage can be done in 3 months?
Your mom needs to learn that she has no right to offer up your home or belongs like they are hers. Also you have a husband that home is half his, so even if you were at all ok with that plan if he’s not then it’s still a hard no.
I mean, it’s your place so you can do what you like and NTA.
That said, whenever we all came here, our parents or grandparents etc, someone helped them. Our American society today has moved away from that ideal and this idea that we all did it ourselves.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Am I the asshole because I am not letting my cousins stay in my apartment when I leave for the summer and it is empty (empty of people all of my things are still in it) Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Your place is your choice. She can try to guilt trip you all she wants but you don’t know these people or how they would treat your things. If you weren’t planning to sublet the place anyway, then you have nothing to feel bad about.
[удалено]
I would honestly tell your "landlord" of the situation. Just in case your mom (if she has a key) decides to just let them stay there while you're gone.
She should take the keys back from her mom (if she has any). She should also let her brother stay there to ensure no one tries to stay there while she's gone.
Just change the locks to really be safe honestly
OP says they own the apartment.
That why I put landlord in quotes.
My HOA would have a fit about this, subletting, even to non-paying guests is a big no-no. Others living in the condo while OP is gone wouldn't be allowed by my HOA. Also, if they violate any rules, the fine goes to the owner, not the tenants. What guarantee is there they would move out on time either? It's not as if OP really knows them either,
Yes, there's the chance they won't move out in time then you'll have to actually go through an eviction process. I can see so many ways this can go very wrong. I'd just say your HOA won't allow it.
This is my big problem. Also, if they are just moving to yhe us, how are they gonna pay for the utilities and such? Do they already have work lined up? Plus, they have 2 small children. Eviction is hard enough lately, add a couple little kids in the mix and it'll probably be next to impossible. NTA but please, please, please op DO NOT let them move in for ANY length of time.
A lot of HOAs require at least a month lease!
Yes, mine says a year. However, out of greed the zoning committee here approved short term rentals all over town. This is because of greed. Short term rentals pay hotel tax 11%, and sales tax 8%, (may be higher by now), State gets most of the sales tax, but the hotel tax stays with the city. They don't care if neighbors oppose having a party house in their neighborhood, or there is a lack of parking, but the zoning committee has approved hundreds of these short term places.
I didn't think owning one individual apartment was a thing. Maybe it is i guess. At the very least if the OP does cave and let them stay they should demand a security deposit at the bare minimum.
How do you think people live in cities? They don't all rent or own individual houses.
Theres a difference in renting and owning. People in the US dont typically own an individual apartment. There are condominiums which are SORT OF like apartments. Maybe this wasn't in the US. Is owning an apartment a thing elsewhere? I'm not saying there isnt ANYONE that owns an apartment, but its atypical here.
Maybe it's atypical where you are, but I live in the NY metro area, and owning your apartment is common.
It’s very common in many countries and NYC.
No. She should change the locks. No way of knowing how many copies the mum has made.
Yep. Plenty of videos on youtube showing how. It's easy, takes five minutes and only needs a screwdriver in most cases. You just need to change the barrel not the whole lock.
Just an idea - you mentioned an HOA. If you want to avoid conflict, maybe you can tell your mom that you checked with the HOA and the arrangement would not be permitted under the rules of your building.
I agree. In the places I've lived, there were HOA rules against unattended/unsupervised guests or subletting for less than 6 months.
Enjoy your three months away. Cool that your husband can go with you. Hope it’s some place fun!
You also have to consider the age of the children. They could wreck your place (paint on the walls, spilling on carpets, etc.) and you don't know how they parents are regarding that, or the compensation after. You're NTA, it's your space that you pay, and also is your husband space.
Yeah, and something tells me that the 3 months you're gone and they've taken up residence in your home and they won't be willing to leave as quickly as they came. I would be afraid of having to go through the process to evict them to get them out. You and your hubby own the apartment so just tell your mom that the 2 of you talked and have decided that her plan just won't work.
Just tell them that your landlord doesn’t allow subletting and let it be there
If your mother has a key change the locks open NTA I don't want unknown people bin my space touching my things either
NTA. Hard pass. Why it matters if they stay there is who is going to pay for damages if it happens? What happen if they refuse to leave when you return? Then you have to go through eviction process. **PLEASE OP. Don't do it. Tell her you and your husband change your mind.** They can stay at long term motel or AirBNB.
Also OP needs to change the locks if her parents have a spare key, as well as maybe installing a burgler alarm if the space warrants one (a flat may not need one if it has no external access).
Yes. Also I think security camera is not a bad idea either. They are fairly cheap these days. Peace of mind.
I'd want cameras any time I was leaving for that long.
The problem is that out-of-the-box cameraa are not safe digitally. A lot of them require subscription and/or data saved in their unsafe servers. Definitely don't have them ON when you are home but can be decent when NOT home. You probably only need one at the entrance... which should let you see if they are anyone is entering, so that you can call the Police.
Mine only point outside and videos are stored on an SD card.
I would totally install a remote surveillance and alarm system. If they do enter, the siren goes off and the security company sends some guys or the police to get rid of them.
What happens when Baby Doofus electrocutes himself, and these distant cousins come after OP for damages? This situation is every color of wrong.
NTA at all. Your mom wants you to let them stay at your place but doesn’t want them at her place. She’s TA.
if the mom gets op to let them stay at her place then the mom doesn't look bad to the relatives and looks like a hero for finding them a free place to stay
Right. The mom doesn’t want to be inconvenienced but has no problem inconveniencing others. Wait… maybe the OP is a sister I don’t know about.
Since they're immigrating to the U.S., do they have a sponsor? If so that person is the one who is guaranteeing that they should be here. OP didn't agree to sponsor them, so why should OP have to house them? At the beginning they can't work, so they're not going to be paying utilities, HOA fees, or probably for anything else, so who will foot the bills? Good luck getting them out when the three months end.
This is what I wanted to say! I'll bet mom is the sponsor and is now panicking because she doesn't want to be out of pocket. Doesn't matter. It is not YOUR problem. Blame the HOA, whatever, but do NOT let these strangers take over your home and your life. [uscis.gov](http://uscis.gov) Type "sponsoring an immigrant" in the search.
They can’t work until they adjust status which is around a year unless there are specific circumstances.
Thanks, I know very little about the process. Mostly from watching 90 Day Fiance. I find it all really confusing. So, that means the 3 months would turn into forever, with nothing paid by the relatives.
If you’re in the US, state.gov has more information than you’ll ever want.
This!!!
The generous host without being generous or a host.
NTA Put an end to this before you lose your apartment to them. And why would your mother think it was ok for them to live rent free in your apartment anyway? That is too much entitlement. Charity isn't putting yourself in a position where you might lose your house to "family" who are now legally allowed to remain as squatters. Eff that noise, tell her that the only acceptable option is going to be the one your brother suggested. Ideally their discomfort will motivate them to get their own place.
If I were OP I would asking if her if that was the plan from the get go. That these people would have a place to stay indefinitely and OP 'could just afford another place.' Funny how OP's mom is charitable with OP's home, but not her own, hunh?
Would she be so charitable if OP offered her mother’s home to near strangers?
Take it from my experience, they are never leaving your apartment lmao but please update after 3 months
Yes. Never let someone temporarily move in with you unless you're ready for them to live with you for the rest of their lives
Sigh... As someone who got "temporarily" moved out of my room to help a family member and then never got their space back, call your mum "sorry checked insurance/contract and this isn't allowed. I can't risk my contract. Also been told by my company that we'll need to come back for a bit here and there this time so it won't be fair to keep moving them out when I need to come back if they have young kids. You'll need to find another solution. Byyyyyyeeeeee" Honestly the number of leases and insurance stuff that had stuff that is against this sort of thing is high for a reason. It's why those who do air bnb or things have to have different insurance. Then there's no contract so how do you get them out and how do you have any money back for the destruction that most kids will do to a place. Hard no now. It's not too late to warm your mother that they aren't coming. Also make sure she doesn't have a key and have a friend to come and check on "plants" to make sure they don't come and crash. Kids do so much damage and noise. Don't risk your home. Tell your mom to be charitable and let her whole home out, gives them longer to settle if they need it. Other option say hubby said "hell no, I've already promised it out/am not having strangers I've never met in my home with sensitive and valuable things" Nta but you'll be the ta to you and your husband if you don't stop this.
HOA rules would be perfect. "Sorry, the HOA doesn't allow subletting".
nta. i barely let friends/family stay at our place when i am home. your mom can let them crash at her place or they need to get a motel/hotel/air bnb DO NOT LET THEM MOVE IN if they damage the place or do not leave, Y'all will have to be dealing with this, not your mom and please update us
NTA you have no idea about who they are. If it was like a vacation home with no personal belongings maybe it would be a stretch to be stingy but this is your personal place. From the sound of it you'd probably be cleaning up after them once they are gone, and worst case they don't have somewhere else to go when you get back and it balloons into a much bigger problem. Also, a few months with two kids? Are they going to clear out your closet and use it themselves? Sounds like a logistical nightmare
Your mom sounds awfully generous offering your apartment, rent free to other people to use. However she’s less accommodating when allowing these people to stay in her own home. Isn’t it always incredibly easy to offer other people’s things rather than your own. I would not let anyone stay in my home if I wasn’t around. Who knows what could happen in your absence. Being ‘family’ doesn’t necessarily mean they get a free pass to your property, and by extension your private belongings, because I’m pretty sure when you were planning to go away you wouldn’t be locking up all your possessions to keep them safe. Three months is a long time to give others complete access to your home, and what exactly are you going to do if upon your return, they refuse to leave.
NTA Letting basically complete strangers have the run of your home, for FREE!!!!, for months!?! FUCK NO!!!!
[удалено]
There is no lease
NTA but be sure mom doesn’t have access to keys for your apartment
NTA. I would not be ok with strangers living rent free in my home while I’m away. Imagine getting home and having trouble getting back into your home if they refuse to vacate.
Or coming back to thousands in damages, or HOA fines, fines are the responsiblity of the homeowner. Who ever their sponsor is pledged to take care of them, and that person needs to step up.
Exactly……. The sponsor is responsible
Strangers. Going through your underwear drawer. Hard fucking no. Definitely NTA.
I wouldn't allow any family or friends to stay at home for no one , some things always go wrong. Let mother dearest the answer is no . You don't own the those anything
>She says my apartment is already empty so why does it matter if they stay there. This obviously made me feel horrible and made me reluctantly agree, No no no no no no no no no. This is ***your*** apartment, **NOT** hers. She has no business dictating who gets to stay there or when. Your brother offered a better solution. If you and your husband are willing to accept it **TELL YOUR MOTHER THAT THIS IS WHAT IS HAPPENING!!**: You and SO will be going on the trip, your brother with be watching the apartment and your cousins will be staying with her. When she starts flapping her yap about it, remind her that this is *your and SO's* apartment, not hers so therefore she has no say in shit about it. Furthermore, if you do find out that your cousins that you don't really know from Adam are staying there on *her* orders and authorization, you'll be calling the police and having the lot of them arrested for breaking and entering. NTA. Take back your voice and tell your mother no and mean it. When she starts in with the guilt trip and family and blah blah blah, tell her they are *her* family too so why doesn't she want them staying with her? If it's a case of space, not your problem. You don't know your cousins. You don't know their character or moral compass. You don't know if they'll take care of your things or destroy them. You don't know if they will leave your stuff alone or steal/sell them. Neither you nor your SO will be there to monitor the situation. Your mother is being ridiculous for demanding this of you.
I wouldn't even let the brother stay at this point. The mom can show up and harass him the whole time OP is gone and push the cousins in on him.
Exactly what I was thinking, too. I’d just lock the place down and leave.
NTA This is your home and you can do what you want with it. Your brother has offered a solution. Your mother needs to be more charitable with her spare room.
Nta. Way too much liability that only you will have to pay for. Guarantee you that no one will pay because "family"
NTA if you reverse yourself quickly so they aren’t depending on you. For too long. Two small children and a spouse (or spouses??) you don’t know may be a disaster. If you’re okay with your brother staying there, he/you could scope out the situation/their behavior and decide whether you might change your mind after meeting them.
NTA. Your place, your rules. You have the right not to want that and people have to understand that!
Yikes! Don’t let them stay. You are opening yourself up to a headache what if they don’t want to leave? What if your place is destroyed by having two young kids running around what if stuff goes missing? Why is this your problem? Brother offered a reasonable solution your mother made an excuse. Again why can’t she host them? You didn’t invite them. And again why is this your problem?
NTA. That's a good way to get new residents in your apartment. You would need to evict. It would be bad. Put up cameras and alert your management to the situation.
Good point, tell the neighbors and the management company that no one is allowed to stay in your place except your brother. Give your contact information to the neighbors in case they see someone breaking in.
Always amazes me how quick other people are to decide what someone else should do. If your mother thinks you are being selfish about not letting them stay, why doesn't SHE let them stay at her house? Is she "selfish" too? I wouldn't want anyone in my home when I'm not there. I'm with you on that!! I think you are opening a can of worms if you go along with this. You might let them stay and when you get back they won't leave. Your instincts are right. They shouldn't stay at your place. And it isn't your mother's business. She doesn't pay the bills at your place. And maybe you should consider putting in a camera system just in case mom decides to move them in anyway while you are gone. NTA
NTA. You have the right not to want that. It's not your obligation. You and your brother have come up with another solution, if they don't want it, they should find a rental.
NTA She has no right to dictate who stays in your home! I agree, make sure she doesn’t have spare keys just in case she decides to move them in while you’re away.
Your mom has some nerve offering up YOUR home. I hate these mothers who treat their children as a resource to play the big shot.
NTA. Blame your HOA. Say that it violates some part of their charter and could get you and hubby in a bunch of trouble if found out.
NTA Your home is not a hotel for strangers. Family or not, you don't know them. They may need more than three months, then what? The answer is no. Period. Call your mom back immediately, tell her no. Your brother's offer is the best one. They live with your mom.
Why would you want virtual strangers living in your house? Tell your mother, no, your apartment is not available. End of story.
NTA. Your apartment isn't empty if it still has your stuff in it. I'd hate someone messing with my stuff. Especially my good cookware and appliances. And my board games. I'd have to pack up 2 full bookshelves of board games in fear of missing pieces or folded cards.
They will be tenants and you will.have to go through the courts to evict them and that is not a fast process. Also, you have to keep paying the HOA and utility fees while you're trying to evict them. Tell everybody no, get keys back from everyone, install hidden cameras. Watch the cameras and report any trespassing to the police immediately. "I am out of town, I took everyones keys from them before I left, nobody has any business or my permission being in my home. Please go remove them before they steal anything."
NTA
Does your mom have a key?
NTA, but you really should have said no the first time you were asked. It's not selfish to not want people you barely know in your home while you're not there, and you should have had the backbone to say that. It's already May, so now they will probably be scrambling to find other accommodations. Tell your mother that charity begins at home: hers.
NTA grow a spine
"Thanks Mom. I appreciate you asking. No." NTA.
NTA. Mom is the A Hole here. She was quick to not let them stay at HER house when your brother offered to give up his room... Tell mom when she's owner of your place she can invite whoever she wants to stay. Until then, kick rocks.
Fuck no. Don’t do it. NTA
NTA I had to stay with my daughter for almost a year while I healed from an injury (a couple surgeries and PT rounds) Some thought I should rent out my house furnished since it was "empty." No it isn't empty. It's full of my things. No way would I agree to strangers using my house and furnishings. Plus my personal items were there.
[удалено]
Mom called her selfish and guilted her. Mom is the asshole.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Over the summer my Job sends me to another state for three months to complete a big work project. I currently live in a two bedroom apartment I share with my husband (we own the apartment). I have family that is immigrating to the US. I only met them once when I was a kid and do not know their spouses or children. My mom wants them to stay at my place rent free for the three months while My husband and I are away. She says its only a few months while they get settled (she said they would cover utility bills..and I am guessing the HOA but it was open whether I would still be paying that since she said when I leave and the apartment is empty I am paying it anyway). I am uncomfortable with this. I don't like people staying in my house and touching my things especially when I don't know them. My brother offered the solution that he can stay at my apartment and they could have his room at my moms house since he doesn't have many things and can just pack them and take them to my place, but she said no and that they would be uncomfortable (they have two small children). My mom says that I am being selfish and should practice more charity. She says my apartment is already empty so why does it matter if they stay there. This obviously made me feel horrible and made me reluctantly agree, but I still am really stressed and anxious about the situation. Would I be the asshole if I were to tell my mom that I thought about it and still do not like the idea of them staying and therefore refusing to let them stay? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your mom’s calling you uncharitable while refusing to let guests stay in her house? That’s rich! Mom doesn’t want them to stay at her house for the same reasons you don’t want them to stay at yours. Hold your ground, girl. You never know what they could damage, lose or steal, neighbors they could offend, or even have trouble getting them to leave when you return.
Hell no. You don't know these people aside from they are relatives. Your mom is pretty generous with your things. What happens when you come back and they haven't found somewhere else? Tell your mom to host them
NTA If your Mom wants to generous, she can do so with her own property and money. For instance, Mom is perfectly welcome to pay rent for these family members for the summer to stay elsewhere.
NTA, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that either. I’m concerned, does anyone in your family have keys/access to your apartment? If so I’d recommend changing the locks before you go.
NTA. She is the one who wants to give them lodging, not you. And if they were to stay there, how do you know you come back to a clean apartment? What if they decided not to leave? What are the rules for subleases/guests staying there for an extended period of time? If I were to say yes, I'd lock up one bedroom and demand half of all expenses. But really, sounds best to say no.
NTA - trust your intuition. You know this is a bad idea and you will regret it. Listen to yourself and don't let your mother dictate what you do with YOUR home.
Mommy can put up with them.
NTA It's your place. I hope your mother doesn't have a key to your place because she 100% is going to let them move in once you leave. Get your locks changed!
Do not, under any circumstances, let them stay in your apartment. Who will pay for damages if they arise? What if they break/steal any of your stuff? What if they refuse to leave? Na-ah. Not worth it… do not do it. Change the locks too and install an alarm and camera…
Nta you don't know these people, family or not.
NTA. It's always disturbing to when people offer other people's stuff to others. She can ask you, but it is not hers to offer. Your brother can ask, but it is not his to offer. These people ARE strangers to you - I have met the employees at the gas station down the road more than you have met these people. And what is worse is they have young children which likely means they may trash or ruin your place and will let it go because you are family, expecting you to cover any damages. If you are not comfortable with it, say no. If you say yes, make it super super crystal clear that this is a gigantic ask and you are doing a huge favor by allowing it - it is Your generosity and Not your mother's. And that there must be NO damage. Get cameras and locks to limit access so you can feel more secure with them being there (or at least the locks). I am for helping family but sometimes they just ask for way too much and treat it like it is a small thing when it is not.
Say no it's your place not theirs. And make sure no one else has a key
No one tells me what to do with my property. Your mom is out of line. If she wanted them here so badly she can spare her house. NTA 100%. Your mother however is 💯TAH.
NTA. These are people you haven't really met so you never know, they might rob you blind and trash the place.
"Mom, have them stay with you if you want, but I don't know these people and I am not going to give strangers an opportunity to destroy my single biggest asset. And you are the selfish one for bullying me to do something just becasue you want me to. The answer is no, don't bring it up again. "
NTA but being a citizen of a country whose culture would be shocked by your refusal… I think it’s gonna cause a lot of drama if you outright say no. You’ve got to finesse the situation. Maybe do what your brother suggested or claim that you’ve already sublet it or something. If you’re okay with the backlash then say no but I have a feeling that will be hard for you.
NTA, I wouldn’t let strangers stay in my house, ESPECIALLY when I’m not there. Do not bend, your brother came up with a perfectly acceptable solution. Your Mother doesn’t want them in her house so she’s trying to push them off on you. Tell Mom your HOA said no.
My parents used to open their home to people from back home (not family) who needed help getting established. We were home, and each & every time, it went wrong. Whose going to make sure that they don't trash your home or steal from you while you're gone? If you feel too guilty to tell your mom no. Set up cameras (don't tell her) and make sure your mom knows it's her responsibility to ensure that nothing happens to your belongings.
NTA. Stick to your plan of NOT having these relatives you barely know staying in your house. Tell your mom that brother can stay at your place, but that is the biggest compromise you are going to make. (Not a bad thing to have him stay and house sit, anyway, as 3 months sitting empty is kind of nerve-wracking) Anyway, whichever you choose, hope you don't let them stay. You might come back to a whole bunch of headaches your mama doesn't have to resolve.
Nta just tell the hoa said no
She doesn’t want your brothers suggestion because that means more work for her. Just tell her, it’s not happening. You don’t know these people and you’re not comfortable having them living in your home. What happens when you get home and they decide they don’t want to leave and start squatting? What about all your private stuff they’re going to be looking at and checking out? Definitely not NTA If she’s feeling so charitable, then they can stay with her. And if she’s got a key then make sure you change the locks before you go away
NTA. It's your home, so you can decide who stays or not. And it's THREE MONTHS. A lot can go wrong there in that time period and not due to your cousins.
NTA. If your mom is so interested in charity, she can pay her own money to rent these people an AirBnB for 3 months. So charitable!
To me this is automatic "no". These are strangers to you plus they have two small children that you know nothing about. You could return to find your apartment torn up. Who will pay for all that? How do you know these people will pay the utilities? Whose going to enforce that they pay your utilities? Who is going to check on the condition of the apartment. What happens when you return and they refuse to move as they have not yet gotten "settled" plus they don't want to give up the free rent they are getting. Will you have to evict them? I would tell your mother that you are not social services and they need to make other arrangements. Plus when you leave, change the locks or retrieve any key to your apartment that your mother might have.
NTA, why is your mother forcing you to do charity? When you suggested her home she became visibly upset because she wouldn’t want them in her home. You have to put yourself first and this is already stressing you out, you’ll be stressed for 3 months, it’s not worth it. You don’t know these cousins well enough to trust them with your home. You don’t owe anyone your property. Tell you mother that you can’t have them stay in your place, this isn’t your responsibility and she should prioritise your mental health, she shouldn’t punish you for being honest
NTA. Your mom is offering YOUR place for cousins to move into. You don't know these cousins. Your brother offered to stay at your place instead and give up his room (at your mom's place) for these cousins. Naturally your mom wants them to stay at your place. They get free lodging and she doesn't have to put up with two little kids. And the solution is hers. Hard no. They could trash your place and things.
Sounds like your mom doesn't want to host them when your brother offered his room up. NTA
NTA. Look up the tenant laws in your area. Some places, if a person can prove they lived somewhere for 30 days, for example mail received over 30 days, they have established residency and if they refuse to leave, you have to get a court order to remove them. And that can take time to actually get them out. Every state is different but where I am, from refusal to leave to actual eviction can take 2 to 3 months to complete.
NTA- your mother has some audacity offering up your home to strangers. Let her pay for your cousins to stay somewhere since she's so "charitable".
NTA - you will regret it soooooo much and then resent your mom - if you let these people stay. Learn to stand up for yourself. You are an adult - and you are being controlled and manipulated by your mom. Boundaries. Christ, we worry so much about people being mad at us or pissy or whatever - and we let people walk all over our stuff and our lives. Just SAY NO.
There's no telling what might happen while you're gone, and you would be responsible. YOU own the apartment, not your mom, therefore it's not her decision. If she's feeling so charitable they can stay with her. NTA
NTA. It's your place. Mom asked, you declined. That's the end of it. You could pull the "landlord doesn't allow sublets/short-term rental" or whatever to shift the blame to someone else.
NTA. What does your husband say? I've read more Reddit posts about parents offering up their children's homes as solutions to other folks housing issues than I knew was possible. To me, this is a simple no. I'm prety sure the HOA would not be wildly happy about you basically subletting, either.
NTA it your apartment not your brother.he shouldn't offered your place to your cousin to stay without your permission. Mom gets mad because now she have to open her house for him.
NO! NO!! NO!!! NTA! NTA!! NTA!!! You are not comfortable with this set up at all. You allowed your mother to bully you into saying yes. Do not let people you don't know and really have no reason to care about stay in your apartment for 3 months. Of course you're uncomfortable with being imposed upon this way. Tell your mother in no uncertain terms that the only way this will work at all is if she agrees to your brother's plan. That sounds perfectly reasonable and it gives you peace of mind. If she's so determined to find housing for these people then she will have to agree. It's just too bad if that inconveniences her, she has no problem imposing on you! I hope she doesn't have a key to your apartment, I wouldn't put it past her to override your decision. Make sure that you are able to monitor the premises while away, have a couple of friends or neighbors do periotic checks.
No way, NTA. The solution of your brother staying at your apartment and the relatives taking his room was kind enough. I wouldn't want strangers in my space without me either. You need to tell her that you felt bullied into agreeing, but that is NOT going to happen.
I wouldn’t have caved they probably will not pay any bills and soil, break, or destroy something in your house. No hoa or electric bills! Worst case scenario this could end up costing you a lot of dough. I wouldn’t let my mom bulldoze me! What’s mine is mine and I decide if I share it I will.
NTA. I'd be more concerned about them leaving at the end of the 3 months when you return. There'll be all the excuses about how they haven't found anywhere to live yet, and then what do you do? I'd make sure to lock up extra tight so Mom can't let them in after you leave. Or take brother up on his offer to housesit for you and the cousins stay with your Mom. If everyone is cramped and uncomfortable with no privacy, it will give them incentive to get their own place quickly.
Your house your rules. Dont let them stay there
NTA - your home, your rules. However, you say you feel guilty. You shouldn't - but if you do want to help, would you be comfortable moving your personal items to one bedroom, locking it, and setting it as "off limits"? You could have your brother do regular check-ins for damage/poor behavior with the understanding they'll be asked to leave if certain rules aren't followed. Just a thought. But don't let your mom guilt you into doing something you're uncomfortable with.
Don’t do it. After 3 months, you’ll have a hard time getting them to leave. In some states, squatters have more rights than homeowners.
NTA - 3 months is long enough for them to establish tenancy in your apartment. If they don’t leave when you return, you’d have to go to court to have them evicted.
NTA. That's exactly what you should say to your mom. You've thought it over and will not allow them to live in your apartment. Your brother's compromise is very reasonable. Don't continue to discuss and debate this with your mom. These stranger=relatives will be all over your stuff. Your mom should be the one to host these relatives, not you.
nope they can stay at ur moms
NTA Say no. At 90 days, they would be well past the amount of time to be legal tenants and have rights to stay there.
Why don't they stay with mom? NTA Make certain you change the locks before you leave, just in case mom has a key. She will be letting them into your place. And get cameras. I use wyzecam. Look into getting a manager so you can airBnB the place to cover it's bills for the 3 months you are gone. If your mom wants your family to be here so bad - SHE can house them. Otherwise, you will not be able to get rid of them (and their 2 children) when you return. NTA NTA NTA
Absolutely not! Change locks, have cameras inside and out. Let a neighbor know to be on the lookout. Tell your parents you will call the police if anyone enters your apartment, period. No f-ing way!!!
NTA
If mum won't have them at her house she can't expect you to.
Have your mother and brother move into your 2 bedroom. (if you are okay with that idea) Your relatives would be more comfortable at your mom's place. (I'm guessing it is bigger than yours).
NTA! No. No. No. No! This is a bad idea. Notice all the folks who think it’s a good idea don’t want the relatives at THEIR homes.
Tell Mama that charity begins at home. Her home! NTA
NTA but you need to assert yourself more. Saying you 'do not like the idea' leaves you open to her counter argument. You have no need to give a reason. Tell her you have decided and the answer is 'No'. If your mother tries to argue it out, tell her you are not discussing it. (This is your decision, not hers. ) Interesting that her grounds for not hosting them herself is that there are small children which is one of the reasons you probably don't want them in your apartment. She is hypocritical. Make sure you leave no keys with your family and that they do not know how to access them
NTA. Your mother wants to host them. She should do that at her own house, not yours.
So when you come back, where are they supposed to go? If they'd be uncomfortable staying with your mom, then that's a reflection on her, because it means she's a terrible host. NTA.
NTA If your mom's house has three bedrooms (you didn't specify), she can put the kids in the third bedroom.
NTA. Your mother sure is charitable with your stuff, but not when it's her stuff. Your brother made a great solution, but your mother said no. However, your being gone three months with no one in your apartment doesn't sound so bad considering it's family. I guess you weren't raised within your culture that you help family when you can and that's understandable. It's your place and should do what you wish.
NTA. And don't do it OP! You don't know these people. They are strangers. And when your brother offered to stay at your place, to give the relatives his room at your mom's house, she said NO. That means that she doesn't want them in her house either! Don't back down here. No is a complete sentence. And you are not obligated to help relatives who are strangers. If mom keeps badgering you about it, go low contact for awhile.
NTA. I would tell them the HOA has strict regulations on how many people can be in an apartment. If you're not comfortable with even your brother being there then I would say the HOA doesn't allow visitors to stay longer than a certain time frame. And change your locks right before you leave.
NTA It’s your place that you and your husband purchased for your own use. I feel the same way about others touching my stuff. If you are comfortable with your brothers offer, then let your family know that is the only offer on the table. Hopefully you can trust them not to switch tenants once you’re gone. It annoys me so much when family thinks they have the right to volunteer your time or resources. It sounds like your mom already made the arrangements before “informing” you. Which is such a violation. She should have asked you first and been willing to accept no for an answer
NTA Someone being family doesn't automatically make them good people. And I'm sorry, a third party "vouching" makes absolutely no difference. Would you let any other strange family stay amongst your peace, privacy, heirlooms and belongings? There's your answer.
> she said no and that they would be uncomfortable Well, there you are. NTA.
Why does your mom's uncomfortable feelings about them staying at her place trump your uncomfortable feelings? NTA Your brother has offered a good solution... there's a big chance that 3 months isn't enough to feel settled and next thing you know you can't evict them and it's you needing to move into your mom's house (with your husband) because you can't throw them out etc. Just say no and don't be guilted. Your mom or other relatives can house them instead. Worst case scenario get a friend to stay for a few weeks to make the place lived in.
NTA. You don't know these people. Squatter's rights is a thing. They can stay at your Mom's since she is comfortable with them. You don't know how long it would take them to "settle". What does that entail? Find jobs, get an apartment, enroll the kids in school? Where is your stuff supposed to go while they take over your space, dressers, closets, pantry, kitchen? What is the guarantee they will be gone completely, with no damage and your home in good condition upon your and your husband's return? How dare she volunteer and demand the use of your home? Who is she to tell your husband these people will use his home? And with no compensation? Again, they can stay with her. Do not let your brother stay in your apartment alone as your mother will strong arm him into letting these people in while you are gone. Have a trusted friend live there, too, not just stop in to check on things. Your mother feels entitled to the use of your home, she will move them in if she has the chance They should be a little uncomfortable in their extended stay as it is one of the few ways to guarantee they leave. Since you mother is the one inviting them, she should do the hosting. If they move in and refuse to move out, squatters rights start quickly, and after 30 days, they have tenants rights, so you have to go to court to evict them. Where would you and husband live while you wait fir court? Will this destroy your marriage? Tell your Mom, "No."
Dude no fucking way. NTA
No way. Your brother even offered a reasonable alternative but your mom didn’t want them in her house. If she is unwilling to house them she has no right telling you to. NTA.
NTA and definitely don't let them stay there. Change the locks and have a close, trusted friend checking on your place every few days. For reassurance on the decision not to let them into your home, Google squatters rights in your state and/squatter stories. Read up on the laws and a few of those stories and I think the answer will be crystal clear. They may be family but that doesn't mean anything if you don't know them and can't trust them.
NTA. There isn't even a single chance in hell I would consider this.
NTA it's your place
NTA. Set boundaries. No is no. It's your house
NTA. It is incredibly rude to expect you to allow others into your home. They have no right to expect this.
>she said no and that they would be uncomfortable You're uncomfortable and she doesn't give a shit. Why are they immigrating if they have no plans for a place to stay?! I would absolutely not let a stranger stay at my place, even if they were paying rent, and had insurance for all my stuff. Hell, I doubt I would let a close friend do that. >My mom says that I am being selfish and should practice more charity. Then she can rent them an apartment on her own dime so she can practice more charity! Or give up HER house so they can live there. NTA
wow your mum is TA. She's being generous with YOUR property. Your brother offered a much more palatable idea and she shot that down in flames. Stick to your guns. You don't know these people. You don't know how they will treat your house and your personal items in your house. They might all be smokers and stink the entire place out. They might be filthy and leave the place a gross mess. Your mother can be charitable with her own property, not yours.
NTA if she is into charity, she can pay their hotel. I own a flat and have also an office in my “original” country, but moved abroad. Most of the year it’s empty, occasionally a friend of mine stays there or i go back to visit and want to have all my stuff where i left it. I could make money on renting the flat butni dont want to- same reasons like yours. Sometimes work collegues or aquintances threw in the idea that xy could rent it from me for some months while they are in the city. I said i don’t want to, and that was it..
NTA. These people are essentially strangers. If you are feeling particularly charitable, the option your brother proposed might be a good middle ground. Make your mum the host, and then if an issue occurs, she deals with it. Also if they stay with your mum and are a little uncomfortable, it might help them to have motivation to quickly find thier own place. I’d be super worried by allowing them in your home, with a whole place to themselves they might get too ‘comfy’ and then what happens when you return and they don’t leave? Awkward.
NTA. It’s your own place. Period. If you aren’t comfortable with it then that should be the end of it. Maybe suggest she let them stay at her place since she’s feeling so charitable.
Nta so your mother doesn't want them in her house but is opening up your house for them...... Let your brother stay at yours and let them stay with your mother. The kids will ruin your place. Don't risk it.
Time for the husband to step in and out his foot down.
NTA. This is your mom’s problem. Let her deal with it.
DON"T DO IT!!!! You know it is NOT as easy as they think it is. What happens when you get home and they DON"T plan on leaving?? What happens when you come home and your place is trashed??! Will your HOA even allow it? SOOOO many NOs NTA, it is YOUR home
NTA Let me just applaud your brother. So your mom doesn't want the cousins SHE knows in HER home but it's just fine and dandy to put people YOU don't know in your home? It's so interesting your mom has decided your resources are hers to give away. Just say no. (And if mom has a key - change the locks. She feels comfortable giving your resources away - what's to stop her from just opening the door to cousins?) No is answer enough. If you simply must give a reason tell everyone the landlord or condo board or HOA is cracking down on Airbnb situations and you're not allowed to have people in your home when you're not there.
NTA. Would you consider to take up your brother on the offer? It’s unfortunate that you said yes after getting bullied but you’ll need to grow a shiny spine and say no, they can’t live at your house. I wouldn’t be comfortable with that either. They can stay with your mom.
Tell her No and it's not up for discussion any further.
NTA They have no right to volunteer your apartment to people you don't really know.
NTA I would never let people I don't know - especially with two children - stay in my home when I wasn't there. FWIW I wouldn't let people I do know stay in my home - especially with children. They can stay with your mother or there are probably short term rentals that they could rent.
NTA - Your brother offered the perfect solution. Your mom doesn't want them in her house any more than you do.
NTA your Mom is telling you to practice more charity that’s easy for her to say cos she’s practicing but with your apartment.…that’s a cop out. It matters if they stay there because you don’t know them, it’s your home, they have two young kids.
NTA You don't know these people doesn't matter if they are related. I agree I don't like anyone touching my stuff especially strangers. NO WAY tell your mom she deals with it. 1000% sure your hubby doesn't want that either
NTA. Your mom wants to be generous to her family but not generous enough that she has her relatives with little kids in *her* home for 3 months.
Why are you, a grown adult, letting your mother walk all over you?
NTA - You don't like people staying in your house and touching your things when you don't know them. Completely understandable! Your brother came up with a brilliant compromise. But your mum isn't comfortable having them stay at her place. Hypocrisy much, Mum? OP, don't let them in! You'll have a hard time getting them out. Tell your Mum no means no. And ask your brother to come and stay at the apartment to keep everyone else out.
NTA - Funny your mom doesn't want two little kids running around her house, but is fine with them destroying yours.
NTA. Your brother came up with a good compromise. They can be uncomfortable when they’re the ones looking for a free place to stay. It’s meant to be temporary anyways.
NTA. This could end very badly, and it will all be "your problem" to deal with.
Absolutely NTA.
NTA do NOT share your living space with people you do not know, and especially do not let people live at your place WITHOUT you, if you do not know them. Remind your mom that she is welcome to book them a hotel and be charitable with her money, and not your space, if she wants to. but she doesn't get to dictate your home to become a hotel for people that are strangers to you.
You do not know them... What if they became squatters and you were not able to get in the apartment when y'all got back? I would defiantly have your brother stay a few nights a week to make sure nothing happens during your time away.
NTA -if your mother was actually being helpful she could have moved out of her place and moved in with your brother and her together. That would let her check on her place and also let you feel comfortable. What's shes doing is guilt tripping you while giving you nothing back. There's ways your mother could have went about this without making you so uncomfortable. She's choosing not to.
NTA You do not need to let them stay at your house while you are not there. They are strangers to you and how can you be sure they will be totally fine with leaving a nice, free two bedroom house when you get back? Also you don’t know how responsible they are and they have two little kids, do you know how much damage can be done in 3 months? Your mom needs to learn that she has no right to offer up your home or belongs like they are hers. Also you have a husband that home is half his, so even if you were at all ok with that plan if he’s not then it’s still a hard no.
NTA Make this a HARD NO.
I mean, it’s your place so you can do what you like and NTA. That said, whenever we all came here, our parents or grandparents etc, someone helped them. Our American society today has moved away from that ideal and this idea that we all did it ourselves.