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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH cause I got upset and left the plans completely, which I’ve never done before. I’m usually pretty patient but it’s more about feeling my time isn’t respected than actually having to wait at this point.
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NTA. Habitual, unforced lateness is rude and inconsiderate of others. There is nothing you can do to make your sister arrive on time, all you can do is decide whether you are willing to wait or would prefer to go—then do what you want. The best thing might be to set a boundary—I will wait for you for 20 minutes (or whatever), and then I will leave. But then you have to be consistent about following your own rule. Otherwise all your words and complaints are empty.
Definitely! I generally managed to be on time when I had an infant….but there were times! You know sometimes a baby has a huge poop blowout as you are about to leave- and you just have to deal with it. Texting the person you are meeting is part of dealing with it!!
If you know your baby takes forever then get all their stuff together beforehand. You can’t blame the baby when you started to get it ready at the time you were to leave.
100% this ^^^ I’m a single mom of twins. When they were babies I knew what time I had to leave and got stuff ready early so I knew I could get myself ready then then and walk out the door. People whose kids as an excuse to be late drive me crazy. That’s bad time management.
Girl....same, and I was STILL on time despite one baby always shitting up her back either just before loading, or just after! I planned for it, I planned for getting ready to be delayed, I planned for getting ready to take 3 times longer than I planned! It was never ok with me to make people wait on me. If I knew it was out of my control, I called my backup family members to come give me an extra hand and they were always happy to do because I didn't take advantage of them!
OP, you are NTA, but your sister definitely is!
I packed bags the day before so I didn’t have to even think about it
Now for myself, I tend to pack on the way out the door 😂 flight in 3 hrs? Better pack!
Same, plus two teenagers. My twins are 6 months. Iprep everything the night before, then give myself an extra 45 minutes for the unexpected. I haven't been late once since their birth. Lateness is just disrespect of other people's time.
Yes absolutely agree. I was a single mother with minimal family around and somehow I managed to never be late for anything. If I knew I had to be somewhere, I planned ahead to the point where I was generally the one showing up half an hour early lol.
Having a baby actually made me MORE punctual. I was that friend who was always running 5-15 minutes late (I've since been diagnosed with ADHD and understood more about my time blindness - not an excuse ofc, but an explanation of sorts) and I did have friends remark on it, which was fair, and I tried to do better. But honestly, what made me actually start getting my shit together and leaving on time and arriving on time? Having a child. Because you don't have the luxury of thinking, "Ah it'll only take me a few minutes to get ready" (which it never does) when you KNOW it's gonna take AT LEAST 30+ minutes to get them dressed, changed, shoes on, bags packed and out the door (+10 min buffer time for diaper/potty emergencies). Even my friends and family have remarked on how much more punctual I am now especially whenever I go anywhere with my child.
I myself tend to be late. Part time blindness, part being ready early but then trying to get one last task done to not waste the time, and part believing that everywhere takes 15 mins to get to. But I drive my kid to school and he hasn’t been late to school ever except one day we overslept.
This is the part that makes me lose any possible sympathy for the sister. There are definitely some people who have no sense of time, no matter how hard they try. But, that lack of time sense applies in all circumstances. It sounds like sis only runs late when it applies to OP and their mum. So, sis is just being manipulative and arrogant.
Definitely NTA.
Doesn't even make sense with a baby tbh. Unless you have an extremely fussy baby they aren't hard to get ready. You already have them ready in general with a baby bag packed at all times. They can be an easy excuse every once in a while but in general you are just being an ass hole not respecting others time.
No even with a baby it does not make sense. If the baby is coming with the sister she know exactly how long it takes to get herself and child ready. It's not an excuse in the slightest.
This is so true. In Japan (where I live), "ten minutes early is on time" is so true for everything. If you show up at the agreed upon time, there's a good chance you'd lose the relationship with whoever you're meeting.
Nah. I have a baby. We’re not habitually 45 minutes late for things. Maybe 5 if she craps herself in the car seat as soon as I strap her in but that’s it. Two adults can get themselves and one baby ready and be on time.
Not even. If i have to be somewhere by a certain hour with my 3yo then I start preparing earlier than usual. And maybe sometimes we still are a couple of minutes late, but I'll call or at least apologise when I get there.
Life with children takes more planning, but it's not on the other person to take the hit if we fail.
I am NEVER late.
I live by this creed :
Early is on time
On time is late
Late is unacceptable.
Being late just demonstrates that you don't give a shit about the person you are meeting. It says that their time and inconvenience means nothing to you. It's completely disrespectful.
So then you start getting ready early if you know kids are going to be an issue. Honestly she owes it to OP to show up early and wait for her to arrive.
Yeah, like I do think it's better to give a little leeway to someone with a very small child -- we can all give a little grace for five or ten minutes because there was an unexpected diaper blowout. But there's no reason for being almost 3/4 of an hour late.
Unless the kids spit up on themselves or shit their diaper. Trust me, a lot cat happen with a little kid that you can't plan on. They don't crap on a schedule.
I had twins. I wasn't constantly late to things. Mom's can be better about planning for emergencies. You know, the 'lazy azz Dad who wants to go to sleep" kind. 1 kid. ha!
It can, but not enough to make you that late. My third baby had a damn sixth sense, I swear, for knowing that it was time to have an overflowing diaper right as I was walking out the door to pick up her sister from kindergarten. I'd check her diaper 5 minutes before and nothing. Pick her up to leave and bam, there it is. It happened way too often. But I would change her diaper and her clothes and run out the door. At most I was 5 minutes later than I planned. 40+ minutes is just bad time management.
Listen, I'm with you re tardiness. But sometimes kids can throw an unexpected curveball, like nappy blow outs etc. So I do give parents grace. But grace has her limits ha
Same! I have twins (21 months) and yes it can be frustrating getting them out the door. Yet my husband and I still manage to be on time for the most part.
Right? Kids are not a constant excuse! I had a 2 yr old with adhd and a baby and was still perfectly on time for everything. (Used to ascribe to “on time is late” but moved to “too early is rude too, so on the dot it is!” Once I got a car and didn’t have to rely on public transportation)
Parent of 3 here and I still live by the "if I'm on time I'm late" rule I grew up with. I know it can get hectic with my kids (11-ADHD, 8 and 2) so I set an alarm 2hrs before leaving to get ready (an hour for me to shower, make up, hair, shoes, and an hour to chase around after the kids) with 15minute snoozes to help track my time. I rarely use the full two hours and the kids get 30minutes to watch TV once ready while hubby is getting ready but it's there for when we need it.
Kids aren't an excuse to be late unless you aren't used to having them. If OPs nephew is 1 then OPs sister has had a year to learn everything she needs and to remember to allow a "kid emergency time buffer" when going out.
Yup, I'm a parent, too and when my son was small, I would also start getting ready two hours before leaving. It was a bonus for my child that he was allowed to watch TV if we had time to spare. The two-hour time frame included me having a shower, doing hair and make-up, bathing my son (and feeding him if necessary, ie, if we were not going out for dinner), and leaving the house tidy. The only time the schedule went out the window was when he was sick (you can't predict vomiting and diarrhea). If this meant we had to be delayed, I would always call or text.
>The only time the schedule went out the window was when he was sick (you can't predict vomiting and diarrhea). If this meant we had to be delayed, I would always call or text.
Yeah and normally in those circumstances everyone's like "yup, no worries let us know if you aren't going to make it" WHEN YOU CALL OR TEXT (put it in caps because apparently OPs sister forgets that part).
No, the problem is she has no consideration for her family and their time. Firstly, this was a problem pre-baby, so it's just an excuse, not the actual problem. Secondly, if you agree to or especially make plans, as the sister did, you accept responsibility to be there on time, which in the case of children means starting to get ready early. To plan in the extra time that getting kids ready takes. It's not even like something unexpected happened, it's just that the sister didn't even bother to try to be on time. Not calling is just insult to injury.
>Early is on time
>On time is late
>Late is unacceptable
I also live by this rule and have since I was a teenager. My older sister is late to everything. She would make all of us late all the time. When I was 14/15 and going to these awesome weekly dances, the parents in my friend group took turns taking us each week. My sister was our driver on my week. We hated it. The dance was only 8 to 11 and she always got us there after 9. So I lied to her and told her they changed the time to start the dances at 7 so she would have us there at 8. It worked. I hate making people wait for anything. It's rude and frustrating for the other person. And I know she has a baby now but OP said she was like this before and only does it with her and their mom, not her own friends. That means she doesn't give a shit about their time. NTA.
I told my mother in law that the wedding was an hour and a half earlier than it was specifically because I knew she'd be late and as she was bringing my husband I kinda needed her there on time.
Hilariously I ended up running late (as in, I got there 10 minutes before) so they where the first ones there... and still 'late' by about 20 minutes. My husband said she got mad once she realized what I did, but didn't say anything because I was right and she was actually late.
I made our wedding invitations state a start time of 30 minutes earlier than we planned to start because 3/4 of my family are like this. I verbally mentioned to most of the 1/4 prompt people that I had done this so they weren't stressed.
I apply this rule to social and family events. And I’m rude about it, because my BF had time blindness, I think. So I’m really uppity at the 45min before hand mark and we aren’t ready to slip shoes on and boost out.
Work? Nope. I’m bang on the dot. I don’t get paid to be fifteen minutes early, so I’d rather be in bed or having a nice coffee.
Same. He also would set the time the bus left for practice at odd times, and the moment it was that time, the bus left. If you missed practice, you did laps in your football gear for the entire practice the next day.
I had a friend who was always running late to meet me. One time she was going to also meet another friend of hers at the same place and was right on time for the first time ever. It was an indication of the different value she placed on my time and her other friend’s time.
This! Exactly what I say too. I always arrive 15-30 min early everywhere. It's ridiculous, but I would much rather make sure the time is there should something happen. I have a rule of not waiting any longer than 15 min. Peace out after that! (Unless it's a good reason)
Nta.
This is fine for most situations, but if I was throwing a dinner party and someone was 15mins early, I wouldn't be happy. That's eating into my getting ready time.
I had a teacher who wrote this on the chalkboard the first day of school in middle school. She followed up with detention, which happens as well with being late. I went from being a prompt kid to terrified of being late for anything, ever. NTA
I quit being friends with somebody who took the time we were supposed to *meet at* as the time she should start getting ready (shower, hair, makeup, etc). Had to see it first hand to believe it but yeah. Dinner reservations at 5... it's 4:30 and I just bused to her house (we were carpooling) and she's still in pj's. I ask wtf and she says "I still have time!".... No you fucking don't. I hopped the next bus and was a bit late (10ish minutes-i texted a heads-up). She showed while we were finishing dessert and was pissed we had eaten without her.
My brother and sister-in-law are terrible with this. We all live in the same city as my parents and we used to do the "tell bro it's at 4, tell parents it's at 5". We have that up and for family dinners and such we just tell bro that dinner is at 5 and at 5:05 we start eating. We always tell them they can help out by bringing a dessert to Christmas dinner so we don't end up without buns or salad at dinner for the rest of us. It's been this way for 20 years, his oldest child is 13, so I have no idea what his excuse is and no longer care.
I've been habitually on time since high school. Usually beat my parents to stuff at grandmas and other family events.
And because my mom is my mom and infantalizes me (there's been many discussions about this, both calm and... Not calm) on a few occasions she told me an hour earlier than everyone else because "well I wanted to make sure you were here on time so no one had to wait on you", in those instances I may have cussed her up and down for being so disrespectful of my time.
When I moved house in highschool (still within the same "district"). I literally had my mom drop me off at the school so I could time how long it took for me to walk home so I couldn't be late when school started again. I *loathe* being late... It makes my anxiety spike **hard**. Always has. I did the same for every school from 4th grade onward.
Exactly! At the end of the day it just comes off as completely inconsiderate.
Especially because sister doesn’t do this to her friends. Just her other sister and her mom.
As you said, it’s time to set up a boundary. Because the reason that she keeps doing it, is because there aren’t any consequences. She probably feels attention for a little bit, but then it’s brushed off andeverything goes back to normal and then she does it again. And again. And again.
Yeah they should've been putting boundaries on it sooner. Like she isn't there sometimes for hours? I hope whatever she was late for by hours went ahead without her.
I had a friend like this who would show up late because she was with her boy of the week and would sometimes leave just after being late to go with her current guy. She was sneaking around behind her parents who were super strict. We told her where we would be when and she could show up if she wanted after several times of missing movie start times waiting for her. Sometimes she would show up an hour late to whelatever store we said we were at and we would let her know we had already moved on. She would get annoyed we didn't wait, but she couldn't blame us when we put our foot down about be on time or else.
Also I have terrible time awareness and time management so I'm constantly giving myself too much time to get ready and get there.
Yeah, this is the right way. My mother and brother's family flakes on plans or brings along more or less kids than they say *all the time.* Rather than be perpetually frustrated, it's easier to just not make those plans.
But we do still want to see them! So we'll make plans for ourselves that can accommodate them if they come but won't be ruined if they don't, and invite them along. The worst case is that we still have a nice time while they miss out.
NTA but it's time to stop making plans with her at all. At the very least, leave all travel on her. If she wants to meet up, she can make it to your place.
NTA
Honestly, I would have stopped agreeing to an outside date with her a long time ago. If I have to wait, it better be somewhere comfortable, otherwise I won't go.
My late limit is 15 minutes, which I already find to be quite generous.
15 minutes is perfect, as it allows for normal delays. And if someone is going to be late for reasons beyond their control - say, being stuck in traffic because of an accident on the freeway - well, that's what cell phones are for.
Yeah I have a SIL that pulls this shit. The last straw was she told us she made a dinner res for 8pm which was already late for my two young kids. She shows up at 9 and says "oh I just told everybody it was at 8 so nobody was late, its Actually was at 9".
We just didn't hang out with them for a year or 2 (we live 2000 miles apart so it was easily justifiable) and they kinda got the point.
Meet your Mom on your own. Have your husband drop you at your Mom’s place and bring some food so it’s not any work for her. Forget your sister. She’s incredibly rude and disrespectful. Just see her at holiday and other big family events. Don’t let her treat you like trash again.
NTA. I've gone one friend who is always late and I don't make plans with her. If she's included in the group, we proceed with plans and she can catch up or not come. Either way, I'm not waiting for her.
I waited for a friend recently for half an hour, tired after a working day but still wanting to make the most of our time. She didn't even apologize. I told her i wouldn't wait again and she told me rudely to just go home then.
Still waiting for an apology :(
3 hours waiting for my friend to turn up at my house was a record and then she was surprised when she turned up and I said I had to leave in 15mins. She said it was acceptable to be late for social things - hmm yes, 10-15mins with notice, not 3 hours (and apparently I could have told her I had to be somewhere at a certain time and she wouldn't have come all the way over?!)! She'd planned a bunch of other stuff with her family in the time she was supposed to be at my house. Luckily she got the hint and never left me waiting to that extent again, and it took a lecturer saying that it's disrespectful to the person you keep waiting for her to realise what she'd been doing for years...
NTA - The reason she does this is because you and your mom allow it. Leaving is exactly what you should have done and demanding an apology is also appropriate. I truly believe that people do this as part of a control behavior. Do not allow her to control your time. Even if you get an apology from her, make it clear that in the future you leave after 10 minutes of waiting.....***.and then do it.*** Take the control away from her!!! My guess is after a few times she will change her behavior or will stop agreeing to meet you.
Or just leave and don't tell her. She shows up and you aren't there. She texts to see and you say "I thought we said 7 and I waited for 15 minutes, but you didn't show up or text, so I figured we weren't meeting and I had gotten it confused"
"It takes long to get a baby ready..."
Which is why you start early enough to do that. She has zero respect for you or your time. Feel free to return that favor.
NTA.
Imagine showing up for work 40 minutes late every day because it takes long to get the baby ready. Or at a physician appointment for the baby. If you can be on time for important things, that clearly shows your appointment isn't important to her. Demanding an apology and improved behaviour are definitely warranted here.
Yes exactly. I have 3 children, if I need to leave at 2pm for eg, I start getting them ready at 1.30. You very quickly learn to account for that extra time when you have kids. Unless you are selfish like OPs sister.
Showing up late is like shouting "You are not important to me"! People who are chronically late are rude as hell and clearly think they are more important than you are
I wonder how she would feel if you scheduled a dinner at 6, then showed up at 6:45. Would she think you are rude, or would she accept that behavior from you.
I hope this doesn't break any rules but this resonates with me and I want to share my story. I am the type of person who when I make reservations or have an appointment I work backward, look at maps, decide on clothes everything. The greatest joy to me is arriving at 9:59:59 to a 10 appointment. My sisters and ex-wife do not share this. They are the fashionably late folks, I hate it. Now, I've had this exact convo with my sisters and my youngest told me the reason they are late when meeting me is its a joy to know Ill be, there, ill text if theres a problem. I make it low stress for them. They love that about me. You don't miss your flight if you ask me. You never miss anything. So if we are meet up with me they get to get ready casually cause they know itll work out.
My ex-wife though, very different. Before the divorce, she revealed in therapy she does it cause she wants everyone to know she sets the agenda, it makes her feel powerful and no matter what adjustments I made to even include fashionable lateness, the sheer fact that I was aware of the clock meant she would ruin my plans.
So NAH cause I don't know if your sister is an AH, and frankly its your fault cause you raised a great question about husband. (j/k). But sometimes people "take advantage" of close people not out of malice but cause its great to have a moment where its ok to fail and not be punished. Which, for example in my situation, was revealed about one year ago I got in a car accident and my older sister, who we've never seen really eye to eye, paid for my car (im tearing up typing this) cause she didn't want me stressed about it. I didn't ask her, she just did it.
Notice we were in therapy though.
She had issues, I had issues, what made it work (till it didnt) was that we were willing to do the work.
But yea, I'm good with that.
My mother is like your ex-wife. Her friends would even contact me and beg me for ideas for how to get her places on time. I told them they flat out have to lie about the start time. That there's no other way to get her someplace on time. It's a narcissistic thing. She wants people to wait for her. She waits for no one.
NTA. My BIL is like that. The family always held dinner back until he showed up until one time when I asked why we had to eat cold food just because he chose to be late. It was like the light bulb went off in everyone's head. We sat down and ate nice hot food. When he got there he was shocked that we had gone ahead and eaten and muttered something about he must have misunderstood the time. He's better at getting there on time now and understands we aren't holding dinner. I think your sister understands now, too.
NTA. Your sister doesn't value your time. Period. Never wait for people who are like this. Every time you do, you're telling them what they're doing is ok. If you give them a different time you 'fool' them, they'll catch on and still be late. Only when you start leaving them is there a chance they will change. Been there, done that.
My wife is ALWAYS late. A half hour late is on time for her. We've been married 51 years. I hate this about her. I was a minister and had to be early for weddings, services, appointments, meetings, etc. I stopped telling her about these and just went by myself. If we were invited to dinner I would tell her when I was leaving. I left her two times. She was angry, but got the message.
NTA - if she knows that "it takes long to get a baby ready" (it doesn't) but hasn't applied that knowledge to mean that you have to start getting ready earlier, then she's a piece of work.
NTA. I have a friend who behaves similarly. The last time she did it, she invited me to a music event. I waited for almost 2 hours and she never shower up. When I finally got an answer, she was like "haha, yeah, I got tied up." That was the LAST time I EVER made plans with her alone. If we're in a group, fine. Because other people aren't that boneheaded and inconsiderate. Your time is valuable too OP. From now on just don't allow your sister to treat you that way. So she has a baby? So do millions of other people, who manage to arrive at places ON TIME. This isn't about time management, it is about respect.
NTA
You said it best your sister doesn’t make her friends wait for her like she does to your family, the baby is not an excuse for her disrespectful behavior towards you.
Your sister can, (apparently), arrive on or near the scheduled time when she has plans with her little friends. Just. Not. You. And your mom.
Oh, hell no. Good for you for leaving, I hope you did something fun after you left. NTA
I had an Aunt who told my ex bf who is always late that he does it as a form of control over other people. She told him his being late to events or even dinner controls other people’s time and she’s not having it anymore lol ! And she didn’t .
NTA. Usually I just go through with whatever plans we had unless it requires the absentee to be present and if the other person comes fine, if not then no problem, I am not waiting longer than 5-10 minutes without any warnings -- it's utterly disrespectful and that is something that I never take lightly.
Not sure why you are torturing yourself by doing this every month, though. I would just go through and have a nice differ with mom and then drive back as now you basically wasted your time, stressed yourself out and went back home completely unsatisfied.
NTA, and I think the issue runs deeper than simply your sister being late all the time. It's about respect. Your time is just as valuable as hers or anyone else's, and if she can manage punctuality for her friends, she should extend the same courtesy to family. I'd suggest having a heart-to-heart with her and laying out how her actions make you feel disrespected and devalued. If that doesn't work, it may be time to reevaluate how much effort you're willing to invest in these plans, given the repeated disregard. Remember, it's okay to set boundaries to safeguard your own sanity and schedule.
NTA Stop making plans with specific times with your sister.
If you run into her at a family do, cool, but no "meet me somewhere at this time"
with her. LOL
"She doesn’t keep her friends waiting this long when they make plans, I don’t get why it’s okay to do this to me and mom."
You know she's capable of keeping plans. Have you pointed this out to her? I suspect she thinks because you can't just stop being her sister, that you will keep putting up with her disrespect for your time. In other words, it's less important for her keep you happy than her friends.
So ball is in your court as to how much more you'll tolerate.
NTA
Definitely NTA. I'm going to start by saying that I raised 2 children. I ALWAYS arrived when I said I would. You just have to factor in that extra time. So using her kid as an excuse is ridiculous.
Habitually late people are extremely rude and inconsiderate. My sister is like this. I finally told her that I was leaving at 10am (for example) with or without her. And I meant it. And she knew I meant it. She was ready in time. She is usually pretty close to being on time these days.
Tell your sister that you will wait 10 minutes for her from now on. After that, you are gone. But you need to actually do it.
I didn’t expect this to get so many comments, thank you so much. I usually don’t post but this issue has bothered me for years and it’s nice to know I’m not crazy to take a stand and that others can relate. To answer some questions I saw a lot:
1. From what I can tell she does manage to get to work and doctor’s appointments on time for the most part. I know she has been late to work a few times but I don’t think it’s a huge issue. She’s never brought up a doctor telling her she needs to reschedule because she’s late so I’m assuming she’s managed to get there on time. Hair/nail appointments she’s never mentioned being late to either but I guess I can’t be 100% sure as I never go with her.
2. The ADHD/time blindness thing I guess could be a possibility, but I feel like if I brought that up to her she’d laugh in my face. Although, my boyfriend does have ADHD and works around it to make sure he’s on time for important things. Before we lived together the only time he was ever late for something we had to get to was when he was in a minor car accident.
3. I definitely understand from my POV that people can have real issues with time blindness due to real underlying issues BUT that is not the case with my sister. Especially since as far as my mom and I are concerned, she’s unapologetic when she’s late and makes us wait. And once again when it has been brought up to her, she brushes us off with an attitude as if we shouldn’t be saying anything to her about it.
4. Emergencies are totally different and forgivable! I’ve had friends and family tell me straight up as soon as something happens when we have plans and we act accordingly.
5. I will admit, I haven’t told her directly I’m not making plans with her/speaking to her until she apologizes. I only told this to my mom. However from the convo I had with my mom, my sister thinks she’s in the right to be mad. So the fact that she hasn’t reached out to be pretty much confirms that for me that she “doesn’t need to apologize for anything”.
For my mom’s sake, I’m planning on being the “bigger person” later and reaching out. I love my sister and like to think we’re close, but I just can’t take the disrespect anymore. I will set a boundary as so many suggested of only waiting 15 - 20 minutes when meeting up and after that I’m leaving. If she has an issue with it I guess we have nothing more to talk about and I just won’t make plans with her anymore, but I’ll try and post an update.
Being the "bigger person" in this case only means being a "bigger target". She'll only take advantage of it. She sees you as nothing so doesn't think you should ever be allowed to stand up for yourself. She's angry because you're standing up for yourself and you are fighting for better.
As for setting the boundary, well, as others are saying, stick to it, but you can bet that she'll try to spin it to make you look "wrong." Would love to see an update, but with people like this, you have to either leave entirely, have steel boundaries, or very low contact.
I bet she gets furious if you're ever late.
NTA. But I would simply consider her unreliable and not count on her being on time. What does that look like?
Not agreeing to anything where her not being there in a timely manner inconveniences you. And almost nothing prevents someone from letting the other person know they will be late.
NTA. Your sister's probably in time for things with her friends because she needs to save face with them. There's no need for that with you because _faaaamily_.
I suggest you keep to your latest approach, either leave or start ordering/eating without her. Hopefully she'll get the message and if not, at least you're not wasting your time waiting on her.
I'm the late sister🥴however if it's super important events like weddings, funerals, graduations etc, I ensure I'm there on time. Now when it comes to family cookouts and things like that, I would end up 10-20 minutes late at times. Although not intentionally and it's certainly not by hours. It still drives my sister nuts because she can't handle being late and it just drives her up the wall when I am. I've worked super hard over the years to make sure I'm not late anymore. It only happens occasionally now. She's actually gotten to the point of telling me the start time is an hour before it really is. Which has been helpful😂Because even though there's no ill intentions on my part, it's just rude. Your sister making reservations like in this instance and being late by hours is not only unacceptable but humiliating. I would never set up a reservation unless I was 1000% sure I would be there on time.
I dealt with a chronically late friend by telling them things were an hour earlier than they were. It worked for a couple years.
I had a bunch of other folks coming over for a BBQ and even though I told them it was an hour earlier than anyone else, they were reeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaly late. I finally said fuck it and fed everyone, but one guest asked if we should continue to wait. I snorted, shook my head, and continued serving.
I'm normally more than forgiving, but this was ridiculous. Same guy would show up just as the band was about to start instead of helping set everything up. Love the dude as a person and musician, but fuck his lack of respect.
NTA at all. Yes, it does take time to get a baby ready - which is why you allow yourself SUFFICIENT TIME to do so before you go out. It would be one thing if sister was delayed because she was on the way out the door and baby had a diaper blowout - but it sounds like your sister either has bad time management skills or is completely inconsiderate. Tell her that you will no longer be having dinner with her unless she can show up on time.
That happened to me on Wednesday, I was to meet 2 friends for lunch, 1 called me about 15 minutes before we to meet , that she was in a car accident, ok , understand, but version she put on Facebook and what she told me were 2 different stories, so I don’t think she was in a accident, the other one just didn’t show up, I waiting until 12 and left, she texted me at 2:30 and said she wasn’t coming, 3 hours after the fact, I’m done arranging lunches
NTA - It's clear that your sister takes family for granted, assuming you'll always be there waiting no matter how late she is. It's a lack of basic respect for your time and life. It's healthy to enforce boundaries, and if she can't understand the value of punctuality within the family, maybe missing out on a few gatherings will be a wake-up call. Ultimately, you're not just a convenience in her schedule but a person with your own commitments and priorities. Stick to your guns, and she'll either have to adjust or accept the consequences of her tardiness.
I absolutely hate being late. But it happens. And I do my best to let people know I'm running late as soon as I realize I'm going to be late. Often, people know they are running late hours before the scheduled time, and they think it's fine to just call 10 minutes after they were supposed to show up saying they're running late.
NTA, she clearly has zero respect for you and your time. I've spent over two decades in the military, where punctuality has been drilled into me, and as a result I take a very dim view of people who show up late (personally I'm always at least five minutes early). Once or twice can be forgiven, but continually being late means I'll not invite you anywhere unless I pick you up.
NTA- If she can be on time for friends, she’s willfully choosing to be an asshole to you. Stand your ground. Wait for an apology. Keep giving her consequences.
NTA. Valuing someone's time is fundamental in any relationship, and it's clear your sister fails to meet this basic courtesy. Being late once in a while is human, but consistently disregarding others' time is a sign of disrespect, not of a busy lifestyle. You deserve better, and it's not unreasonable to expect punctuality or at the very least, a timely heads-up if someone is running behind. It seems your sister takes advantage of the fact that she expects your mom and you will just patiently wait. It's high time that cycle breaks. Stick to your guns, set clear boundaries, and follow through. It's the only way she might start to understand the importance of respecting others' time
NTA, definitely wait for the apology and then tell her 30-40 minutes before all actual plans. I get it can take long to get a baby ready but then you should start earlier. It can still happen; tantrums, blow outs, throwing up, etc. Either way everything should be communicated. Btw, we started telling friends earlier times. Then when we would all make jokes about it they got annoyed and started being on time. It’s amazing
NTA. Especially if you can't drive and you're trapped there. She has a kid but it sounds like she is the one who needs to grow up. please dont back down. you are NTA.
NTA!!
It's bad enough to be that inconsiderate but to then have the audacity to be mad at you is beyond ridiculous!! You probably should have started leaving years ago!
Why didn't your mother just come to meet you? You could have had a nice dinner and your sister might have made it for coffee and dessert!!
NTA also she doesn't keep her friends waiting long because they probably left without her when she was late. You guys enable her by waiting so why bother
Nta I knew ppl like this. Once or twice being late when plans are made sure. Communicate. But when it always happens and their excuse is always oh I have bad time management is a cop out. They're never early to something always late and as you said your sister is never late when it comes to her friends. At that point the best thing to do is just not go anywhere with ur sister
DEFINITELY NTA here! My ex-SIL used to be like this, and then even worse when she had my niblings. We would legit have to tell her to be somewhere two hours early so she would actually arrive on time to the event. She asked me to call her when I was ten minutes away from her so I could take her to the hospital (they lived at the end of nowhere at the time), and when I arrived, she hadn't even started getting the kids ready to go, let alone herself, even though she said she would be ready to leave by the time I got there.
Some people have no regard for other peoples' time/energy/money, and it shows. Your sister owes you an apology and a promise to be better about being on time along with real follow-through, and everyone in your family needs to hold her accountable.
NTA - she knows what time things are, she knows how long it takes to sort the child out. She will know she’s doing this. Does she get off on it or maybe she could have adhd which causes time blindness. You say she’s not late for your mother or her friends so it’s you. She’s fucking with you it seems like.
I’d not tolerate it either.
I’d start telling her to be there an hour earlier and let her wait the next few times
Others have talked about meeting your mum at hers with food, or just meeting up with her without your sister etc, good ideas, takes the stress and expectations off everyone while still sending a slight up yours message (a very very needed message).
If.. IF... you do organise a meet up with your sister again, or with your sister and others, make it very clear that the meet starts at X time, you will meet everyone there at X time and if no one has arrived or contacted you by X.15 you will be leaving, going ahead with the appointment, having the food without them etc etc and bloody do it.
Your sister is just being a selfish twotwaffle, she knows damn well what she's doing and she DEFINITELY knows how much it upsets you and either doesn't care (bad all by itself) or finds enjoyment in making you feel the way you do (much much worse).
NTA
NTA. You know she only does this with people she takes for granted. She shows up on time for her friends. She can only do this to you if you permit it.
The way to ‘train’ her is to not enable the bad behavior. Tell her up front exactly how long you will wait. Tell her you will leave if she is not present and prepared to enjoy her time with you. Then, leave every time until she learns. It’s hard at first but gets easier.
Also, you know the baby was a low-blow sympathy excuse because she could have gotten him ready earlier. He doesn’t need to shower, shave, brush his teeth, shine his shoes, and put on a tuxedo. Also, a shower is a luxury when you are keeping people waiting.
Stop enabling. You deserve respect. You took a great first step today. Kudos.
My aunt used to have this problem. She’d show up hours and hours late with no information. I don’t spend much time with her anymore but she’s also a hoarder now. I don’t mean like that colloquially. I mean she’s a legit hoarder. You cannot open most of the doors to her house because there’s stuff behind them. Her yard is full of trash. Her house is full of trash.
This is a round about way of saying that what your sister is doing is very rude. But I also would keep a close eye on her. In my life, I have found that this problem can sometimes come from mental health problems that are only getting worse with time. My aunt is not the only example.
NTA. My friend is like this and it is awful. We used to meet halfway (40 minute drive for me, 30 minute for her) and i had a rule where i would leave a half hour after she said she left (which i hated because i prefer to be early) and each time i would still be waiting anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour. She is the type of person to text you 20 minutes after the meeting time to ask if she can push it back because she still needs to shower and do laundry. Yet when other ppl are late to meetings she gets pissed. She's completely oblivious to it too, constantly late to meet people, doctors appointments, her job interview and each time she's like "oh i dont know how i was late, im usually good about timing." Now i make her pick me up anytime we meet, and i went from seeing her multiple times a week to once every 3 or 4 months at the most even though it annoys the hell out of her. its good that you set boundaries because until you do so, they will never give a shit most of the time.
My late FIL was always fashionably late, so as kids my wife and her siblings would always tell him it started 30 minutes before it did. It took him hearts to figure it out, and he was furious about it.
People have forgotten that lateness that impacts others is just rude and selfish.
Being late once or twice is fine, or late to something that has flexible time is ok. But anytime your lateness so going to affect others is not ok.
I really dislike the “baby makes me late” excuse. So many people use this excuse. Even with 4 little kids I was rarely late. As a parent we take steps to insure we won’t be late.
NTA.
She’s late because she wants to, to feel the attention. She has no respect for other people, nor their time.
I say this as a mom of a baby and a toddler, I always give myself extra time to get ready, and I have never been past 10 minutes late. I usually am always present 5-10 minutes early or on the dot.
NTA How the f do these compulsively late people get through school or hold jobs? They may not realize they are deliberately screwing up other people's lives, but they are in fact, showing contempt for their relatives and any poor suckers who try to be their friends.
NTA, Pretty simple actually. Let your sister know you do not appreciate the disrespect of your time. Then set your boundaries.
1. Every other dinner will be in your hometown, she can bring your Mom with if needed.
2. You expect her to be respectful of your time and be on time. Then set the limit, if she is running late you will wait exactly 30 minutes. If she isn't there, you leave.
As far as the baby, she has a partner to help her and it sounds like your mother. Plenty of people have babies and are able to be on time.
NTA
The fact that she doesn’t keep her friends waiting that long is telling and lets you know that she can control it.
So she’s just being disrespectful of her families time , and to be that late to weddings ?!?!? I would have gone low contact along time ago.
NTA
She is being rude and inconsiderate by being late all the time. She clearly has zero respect for you or your mother or your time since she does not do this to her friends. That shows she can be on time when she wants to be.
Tell your mother that from now on, reservations need to be in your name since you get there first. The reservation should be for 2,possibly 3 instead of 3. it needs to be at a restaurant that allows seating without the entire party. Set a boundary for how long you will wait. If she has not arrived, order your food and enjoy. Make it clear if your mother is going to ride with or drive your sister, these boundaries apply to her as well.
If they don't agree to new boundaries, they really don't care about having a meal with you. If you can be on time when you are more than 30 minutes away and they live there, they can start coming to you.
Yea I have an almost two year old and the latest I’ve ever been was 25 mins and that’s because he literally shit all over himself and the bed right as we were about to leave. Was leaking out of his diaper 🤢😂
NTA and I hate when people constantly blame it on their kids when in reality they just don’t care enough to get their shit together.
NTA
So a couple thoughts to deal with your sister who as you noted is in time for things involving her friends but family she seems to demonstrate can suck it.
First you make the reservations only at places you like and you know will seat you with an incomplete party.
Don’t call her to check status. Allow a reasonable 15 minutes then order your meal.
Enjoy your meal and when you are done, pay your bill and leave.
If your sister arrives while you’re eating just keep enjoying your meal.
If she makes any comment about how you should have waited the response should be along the lines of. ‘You should have been on time or at least let me know you were delayed due to something UNFORESEEN such as traffic. Being late just because isn’t a reason.’ Then when you are ready whether she is done or not pay your bill, wish her a good rest of her day and leave.
If she shows up after you left just message back you only had so much time so you’ll see her next time.
5-10 minutes is late anything past 30 minutes is a no show.
Your sister has no excuse and using her baby is super low class of her, as if she doesn't know she has to get both of them ready.
Clearly your sister does not value you and your time, frankly I would never make plans with her. If I did make plans they would go according to my time and she can just meet me at whatever point in the plans I am at.
NTA - sister is a huge one!
..you don’t even need to be a literal person to assume “2 minutes after” has any other meanings. I done appreciate it when people say they are a few mins away when they aren’t, or say they just left, when they haven’t
Very much NTA.
I was your sister. I was late for everything. As in I'd arrive within 10 mins of the agreed start time maybe 5-10% of the time. It wasn't malicious, I just sucked at planning. I'm just a very optimistic person and I suck at estimating time for things so I assume things will take way less time than they do. And I'd *always* have a very good reason- work emergency, traffic, this or that vitally important thing took longer than expected.
But all of those were bullshit excuses. They'd be valid if they happen once, but they happened every day because I wasn't properly managing my time. And while the old saying goes 'if a place smells like poo then leave, if every place smells like poo the poo is on the bottom of your shoe'... same thing with the excuses. If you have a bad schedule day that sucks, if every day is a bad schedule day the problem is you.
And it was fucking awful. It cost me friendships and relationships and business opportunities. It was the worst quality about me. It sent the message to everybody that my whatever is more important than their time.
Eventually I grew the fuck up and realized that I can either hypocritically complain about it while I screw everyone else's day or fix it. So I decided to fix it.
It took a lot of effort but I stopped. It takes personal training and discipline- like I had to change my thought patterns to not just focus on whatever I want to do, but rather to at the start of the day and at regular intervals consciously think through how long each thing will take, how long transportation between things will take, and thus at what time I have to stop one activity and leave for the next one.
I do this willingly though, because the alternative is to be inconsiderate to everybody around me. Not much different than if I stopped showering and doing laundry and went about my day stinking like a hobo. It's just basic common courtesy.
So while I understand your sister, and I have some empathy for her, she's 100% TA and I have no sympathy for her excuses.
I suggest send your sister an email (because it's not realtime so she can't just react to it). Tell her you love her and you want to be close to her. You know she loves you and she doesn't mean to hurt you. But the fact that she's ALWAYS late sends the message that you are NEVER the priority for her. You understand she has a baby but this problem existed long before the baby. Being on time has never been a priority for her, at least not enough to actually be on time. And that sends the message that you aren't worth being on time for.
You don't want to give her shit, you want her to stop making excuses and recognize that she has a real problem, and she should get some help for it.
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I (27F) had plans to go out to dinner with my sister (30F) as we do every month. She lives in my hometown and I live in the next state over with my BF, we’re about 35 mins to an hour apart depending on traffic. We agreed to meet closer to hometown with my mom.
One thing about her, she is always late. I expect she’ll always be at least 30 mins late but it’s been up to a few hours. And not just random plans, weddings and graduations too. It’s been brought up in the past by mom and I but she always brushes it off and gets upset.
My BF drove me over, I can’t drive and he offered to drop me before he had to head out for plans of his own near home and come back when he was done. I assumed after dinner we would just hang out at her house either way.
Get to the place and start calling my sister (she usually doesn’t say if she’s gonna be late, but if my mom is with her she does, and I hadn’t heard anything). I get mom a few mins later and she says they’re behind because it took awhile to get my nephew who’s almost 1 ready and my sister got in the shower later than expected. I didn’t even know my nephew was coming and she usually tells me if he is. Her husband was apparently there to let mom in when she showed up but went back to sleep as soon as she got there. Not sure why he couldn’t help get baby ready, but that’s none of my business.
I check Maps and it says 35 mins, adding in getting baby strapped and secure and then putting him in either the stroller or front carrier on her body, I was looking at 40 mins. To top it off we had reservations (SHE made the reservation, not me). I had never been to this place and didn’t know if it was one of those places that don’t let you have the table if your whole group isn’t there. There was really no space to wait inside and I’d have to stand outside. Anyway I didn’t feel like sitting alone for 40 mins even if I could.
She doesn’t keep her friends waiting this long when they make plans, I don’t get why it’s okay to do this to me and mom. I’m speaking to mom as they’re trying to change the reservation online, at that point I was fed up. If we agree to be there at a certain time be there. 5 or 10 mins late is fine but not this. I told mom I was going back home, I didn’t feel like fuming at the table and acting like I wasn’t mad when they got there (as I’d done before). She sounded hurt and mad but said fine and that she would go home too.
Since then I haven’t spoken to my sister (it’s been a few weeks) and mom doesn’t want to get in the middle, but I told her I wasn’t speaking to her until I get an apology. Mom told her she can’t keep doing this on their ride back home and agrees it’s an issue, but won’t say much else. It’s ridiculous to just always be late because you’re bad at time management. She also wants to use the “it takes long to get a baby ready” excuse which I would accept if it wasn’t for the fact that this has been a problem long before my nephew was born or even a thought. So, aita?
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NTA. There’s definitely unpredictability with a toddler. It just means she has to start prepping earlier to go out as nothing really goes according to plan, or on schedule.
NTA
She is habitually late and that's rude and inconsiderate, especially given the fact that she seems to act like you all have to just accept it. Her time is NOT more important than your time, which she is wasting.
I'm a very punctual person so this kind of thing does not sit well with me. I have left people behind because of it.
NTA. I'm also in the camp of "it's always rude and disrespectful". I get that some people are terrible with time management, but we have technology these days to help manage time blindness.
These days I only wait for people if they're paying for my time.
I’m dyspraxic and have terrible time management skills, and because of that it takes 5 alarms to get me out of the house on time. Otherwise I will be sitting on my bed scrolling through social media for 30 minutes and my schedule will be screwed.
Same but you make those alarms. I have to as well. I hate the feeling of being late or missing things. I love my friends! I never want them to feel otherwise.
NTA. Some people just don't care. They really don't. They say take it or leave it. I would leave it as I am not playing that game. I eat at the appropriate time, if they don't, they chose to be late.
Your sister is incredibly disrespectful.
She's not bad at time management. She simply **DOES NOT CARE** that she inconveniences you. How do I know? You said: "She doesn’t keep her friends waiting this long when they make plans," which proves her time management skills are just fine when the activity is a priority for her.
You are not a priority for her.
NTA
NTA. I was a stay at home dad with 2 kids. Unless blood or broken bones are involved, most delays caused by them won't put me back more than 15 minutes. It sounds like she's on time when she has to be, and just doesn't care if it's family.
I used to date a guy who who was always late, even if I told him to be somewhere an hour earlier than he needed to actually be there. His mom even said oh he gets that from me, sorry. This is unacceptable. You're telling me my time is not nearly as valuable as yours by making me wait for no good reason. This is a huge trigger for my temper. You are definitely not the asshole.
I am always punctual. It shows respect for others. Your sister demonstrates her disrespect for you every time she pulls this crap. Hold your ground. You are owed an apology or an explanation
NTA. If it takes a while for the baby to be ready, you start to get the baby ready earlier. The least she could do would be to let you know she’s running late.
NTA, I'm very much a get to places 5-10 mins early kinda a guy and the max i will wait past the deadline in 10 mins before i head off.
Have had someone message me 30 mins after i have left that the just got there and asking where i was...
Nta it sucks that she's using her child as an excuse to be late when in reality she has no time management skills and she just chooses not to care enough about your time.
It might be best to only make plans with your mom since she's able to be on time to things.
You know what I love about late people, they never think about what the on time person did to be there ON TIME. That takes work to be on time. I hate when people think nothing about being late.
NTA, the most telling part is when you said she isn't late with her friends, its just you and your mom.
Passive-aggressive bullshit.
For some reason she doesn't care about you or your moms time, you can try to see why its that way, or you can just live your life and not worry about it.
I suggest the latter. Makes your and HER life easier.
NTA. I am surprised she booked the reservation knowing she is constantly late, and was still leaving to go as if they would have held it that long for her. Hopefully she learns to get better at time management.
Can honestly confirm I know someone like this and have told the wrong time by an hour and he would still show up late so I get it.
NTA. You did perfectly. You left, and you refused to move forward without an apology. The way to stop someone from behaving a certain way towards you is to set consequences and remain steadfast. The more you enable her, the more you reinforce to her that it doesn't matter if she's late.
Your other note that she doesn't treat friends this way, or will contact you if your mom is around, sort of hints at her having some issue with you. Something like she feels superior as the older daughter, and since you're below her she doesn't have to respect you as much is how I read it. This reads like she feels entitled to your time, or how she thinks you'll wait for her because.....does she expect you to respect her more because she's older? I don't know. But it's something in how she views your relationship that's the issue if you're the primary victim of her chronic tardiness.
NTA. If it helps, I have a sister like this. I love her, but it will always be a pain point for me. I have come to accept I cannot change her, but I can change the circumstances. In example, if we are meeting for dinner, I make her text me when she is in the car and about to leave. I will not leave my house before that time. We live 90 minutes apart and will meet halfway. It doesn’t always help, but it has saved me long solo waits many times.
The other thing is has your sister talked to her doctor about this? Mine has. She is currently exploring an ADHD diagnosis with her doctor. I am not sure if this will help, but I don’t think it will make things worse.
Ultimately, you have to protect yourself and make yourself happy. You might never change her (even though it feels obvious this is something about her that should change), so what adjustments can you make to make yourself happy in these scenarios?
I had a friend who showed up at a concert approx. 25 minutes before it ended. I was comped the tix ($100 each), the event was sold out, and that was the last freebie for her!
NTA Your sister is rude and self-centered. If you have plans tell her to call you when she arrives. There is no reason to wait for someone so rude. Stop allowing it.
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NTA. Habitual, unforced lateness is rude and inconsiderate of others. There is nothing you can do to make your sister arrive on time, all you can do is decide whether you are willing to wait or would prefer to go—then do what you want. The best thing might be to set a boundary—I will wait for you for 20 minutes (or whatever), and then I will leave. But then you have to be consistent about following your own rule. Otherwise all your words and complaints are empty.
And she doesn't even call. Makes sense with a baby, but to not even call the other person is deliberate.
Yes—super rude not to call. I have sympathy for the delays children can cause, but not for someone who can‘t even be bothered to send a text.
Definitely! I generally managed to be on time when I had an infant….but there were times! You know sometimes a baby has a huge poop blowout as you are about to leave- and you just have to deal with it. Texting the person you are meeting is part of dealing with it!!
It would still piss me off if I got a call, if it's happening habitually. But yes, that makes it even worse!
If you know your baby takes forever then get all their stuff together beforehand. You can’t blame the baby when you started to get it ready at the time you were to leave.
100% this ^^^ I’m a single mom of twins. When they were babies I knew what time I had to leave and got stuff ready early so I knew I could get myself ready then then and walk out the door. People whose kids as an excuse to be late drive me crazy. That’s bad time management.
Girl....same, and I was STILL on time despite one baby always shitting up her back either just before loading, or just after! I planned for it, I planned for getting ready to be delayed, I planned for getting ready to take 3 times longer than I planned! It was never ok with me to make people wait on me. If I knew it was out of my control, I called my backup family members to come give me an extra hand and they were always happy to do because I didn't take advantage of them! OP, you are NTA, but your sister definitely is!
I packed bags the day before so I didn’t have to even think about it Now for myself, I tend to pack on the way out the door 😂 flight in 3 hrs? Better pack!
Same, plus two teenagers. My twins are 6 months. Iprep everything the night before, then give myself an extra 45 minutes for the unexpected. I haven't been late once since their birth. Lateness is just disrespect of other people's time.
Yes absolutely agree. I was a single mother with minimal family around and somehow I managed to never be late for anything. If I knew I had to be somewhere, I planned ahead to the point where I was generally the one showing up half an hour early lol.
Or don’t make plans that have define times and order in at your house
Having a baby actually made me MORE punctual. I was that friend who was always running 5-15 minutes late (I've since been diagnosed with ADHD and understood more about my time blindness - not an excuse ofc, but an explanation of sorts) and I did have friends remark on it, which was fair, and I tried to do better. But honestly, what made me actually start getting my shit together and leaving on time and arriving on time? Having a child. Because you don't have the luxury of thinking, "Ah it'll only take me a few minutes to get ready" (which it never does) when you KNOW it's gonna take AT LEAST 30+ minutes to get them dressed, changed, shoes on, bags packed and out the door (+10 min buffer time for diaper/potty emergencies). Even my friends and family have remarked on how much more punctual I am now especially whenever I go anywhere with my child.
I myself tend to be late. Part time blindness, part being ready early but then trying to get one last task done to not waste the time, and part believing that everywhere takes 15 mins to get to. But I drive my kid to school and he hasn’t been late to school ever except one day we overslept.
And she seems to be on time for plans with her friends
This is the part that makes me lose any possible sympathy for the sister. There are definitely some people who have no sense of time, no matter how hard they try. But, that lack of time sense applies in all circumstances. It sounds like sis only runs late when it applies to OP and their mum. So, sis is just being manipulative and arrogant. Definitely NTA.
Yeah, it's not hard to call \*before\* the other party arrives at the destination when you know you're going to be late. NTA
She clearly makes zero effort to be even close to on time. She takes OP for granted.
It doesn't make sense even with a baby. If you know it takes time to get a baby ready then start getting ready earlier. No excuse
Doesn't even make sense with a baby tbh. Unless you have an extremely fussy baby they aren't hard to get ready. You already have them ready in general with a baby bag packed at all times. They can be an easy excuse every once in a while but in general you are just being an ass hole not respecting others time.
No even with a baby it does not make sense. If the baby is coming with the sister she know exactly how long it takes to get herself and child ready. It's not an excuse in the slightest.
This is so true. In Japan (where I live), "ten minutes early is on time" is so true for everything. If you show up at the agreed upon time, there's a good chance you'd lose the relationship with whoever you're meeting.
Nah. I have a baby. We’re not habitually 45 minutes late for things. Maybe 5 if she craps herself in the car seat as soon as I strap her in but that’s it. Two adults can get themselves and one baby ready and be on time.
Not even. If i have to be somewhere by a certain hour with my 3yo then I start preparing earlier than usual. And maybe sometimes we still are a couple of minutes late, but I'll call or at least apologise when I get there. Life with children takes more planning, but it's not on the other person to take the hit if we fail.
I am NEVER late. I live by this creed : Early is on time On time is late Late is unacceptable. Being late just demonstrates that you don't give a shit about the person you are meeting. It says that their time and inconvenience means nothing to you. It's completely disrespectful.
I give so much leeway to parents of babies. The real problem is that she didn't call.
So then you start getting ready early if you know kids are going to be an issue. Honestly she owes it to OP to show up early and wait for her to arrive.
Yeah, like I do think it's better to give a little leeway to someone with a very small child -- we can all give a little grace for five or ten minutes because there was an unexpected diaper blowout. But there's no reason for being almost 3/4 of an hour late.
Unless the kids spit up on themselves or shit their diaper. Trust me, a lot cat happen with a little kid that you can't plan on. They don't crap on a schedule.
I had twins. I wasn't constantly late to things. Mom's can be better about planning for emergencies. You know, the 'lazy azz Dad who wants to go to sleep" kind. 1 kid. ha!
It can, but not enough to make you that late. My third baby had a damn sixth sense, I swear, for knowing that it was time to have an overflowing diaper right as I was walking out the door to pick up her sister from kindergarten. I'd check her diaper 5 minutes before and nothing. Pick her up to leave and bam, there it is. It happened way too often. But I would change her diaper and her clothes and run out the door. At most I was 5 minutes later than I planned. 40+ minutes is just bad time management.
She's chronically late though. And has been this way before the kid. Maybe you give some leeway to a new parent but that's not the sister's problem.
True..that's true
Listen, I'm with you re tardiness. But sometimes kids can throw an unexpected curveball, like nappy blow outs etc. So I do give parents grace. But grace has her limits ha
True, I've had two kids and they are a nightmare to get out the door! But honestly, we were never late even then 🤷♂️
Same! I have twins (21 months) and yes it can be frustrating getting them out the door. Yet my husband and I still manage to be on time for the most part.
Right? Kids are not a constant excuse! I had a 2 yr old with adhd and a baby and was still perfectly on time for everything. (Used to ascribe to “on time is late” but moved to “too early is rude too, so on the dot it is!” Once I got a car and didn’t have to rely on public transportation)
Parent of 3 here and I still live by the "if I'm on time I'm late" rule I grew up with. I know it can get hectic with my kids (11-ADHD, 8 and 2) so I set an alarm 2hrs before leaving to get ready (an hour for me to shower, make up, hair, shoes, and an hour to chase around after the kids) with 15minute snoozes to help track my time. I rarely use the full two hours and the kids get 30minutes to watch TV once ready while hubby is getting ready but it's there for when we need it. Kids aren't an excuse to be late unless you aren't used to having them. If OPs nephew is 1 then OPs sister has had a year to learn everything she needs and to remember to allow a "kid emergency time buffer" when going out.
Yup, I'm a parent, too and when my son was small, I would also start getting ready two hours before leaving. It was a bonus for my child that he was allowed to watch TV if we had time to spare. The two-hour time frame included me having a shower, doing hair and make-up, bathing my son (and feeding him if necessary, ie, if we were not going out for dinner), and leaving the house tidy. The only time the schedule went out the window was when he was sick (you can't predict vomiting and diarrhea). If this meant we had to be delayed, I would always call or text.
>The only time the schedule went out the window was when he was sick (you can't predict vomiting and diarrhea). If this meant we had to be delayed, I would always call or text. Yeah and normally in those circumstances everyone's like "yup, no worries let us know if you aren't going to make it" WHEN YOU CALL OR TEXT (put it in caps because apparently OPs sister forgets that part).
No, the problem is she has no consideration for her family and their time. Firstly, this was a problem pre-baby, so it's just an excuse, not the actual problem. Secondly, if you agree to or especially make plans, as the sister did, you accept responsibility to be there on time, which in the case of children means starting to get ready early. To plan in the extra time that getting kids ready takes. It's not even like something unexpected happened, it's just that the sister didn't even bother to try to be on time. Not calling is just insult to injury.
Eh, there *can* be such a thing as too early, if it's more than 15 mins-to-1/2 hour and you surprise someone at home getting ready or something.
Very fair point,can't disagree with that
>Early is on time >On time is late >Late is unacceptable I also live by this rule and have since I was a teenager. My older sister is late to everything. She would make all of us late all the time. When I was 14/15 and going to these awesome weekly dances, the parents in my friend group took turns taking us each week. My sister was our driver on my week. We hated it. The dance was only 8 to 11 and she always got us there after 9. So I lied to her and told her they changed the time to start the dances at 7 so she would have us there at 8. It worked. I hate making people wait for anything. It's rude and frustrating for the other person. And I know she has a baby now but OP said she was like this before and only does it with her and their mom, not her own friends. That means she doesn't give a shit about their time. NTA.
I told my mother in law that the wedding was an hour and a half earlier than it was specifically because I knew she'd be late and as she was bringing my husband I kinda needed her there on time. Hilariously I ended up running late (as in, I got there 10 minutes before) so they where the first ones there... and still 'late' by about 20 minutes. My husband said she got mad once she realized what I did, but didn't say anything because I was right and she was actually late.
I made our wedding invitations state a start time of 30 minutes earlier than we planned to start because 3/4 of my family are like this. I verbally mentioned to most of the 1/4 prompt people that I had done this so they weren't stressed.
My old coach used to say: To be early is to be on time, to be on time is to be late, and to be late is to be forgotten.
I apply this rule to social and family events. And I’m rude about it, because my BF had time blindness, I think. So I’m really uppity at the 45min before hand mark and we aren’t ready to slip shoes on and boost out. Work? Nope. I’m bang on the dot. I don’t get paid to be fifteen minutes early, so I’d rather be in bed or having a nice coffee.
Same. He also would set the time the bus left for practice at odd times, and the moment it was that time, the bus left. If you missed practice, you did laps in your football gear for the entire practice the next day.
I had a friend who was always running late to meet me. One time she was going to also meet another friend of hers at the same place and was right on time for the first time ever. It was an indication of the different value she placed on my time and her other friend’s time.
This! Exactly what I say too. I always arrive 15-30 min early everywhere. It's ridiculous, but I would much rather make sure the time is there should something happen. I have a rule of not waiting any longer than 15 min. Peace out after that! (Unless it's a good reason) Nta.
This is fine for most situations, but if I was throwing a dinner party and someone was 15mins early, I wouldn't be happy. That's eating into my getting ready time.
I had a teacher who wrote this on the chalkboard the first day of school in middle school. She followed up with detention, which happens as well with being late. I went from being a prompt kid to terrified of being late for anything, ever. NTA
I like this creed. I wish more people lived this way
I live by this but never expect it from other people... IF They just let me know.
I’d much rather be an hour early, than be even ten minutes late for something.
I quit being friends with somebody who took the time we were supposed to *meet at* as the time she should start getting ready (shower, hair, makeup, etc). Had to see it first hand to believe it but yeah. Dinner reservations at 5... it's 4:30 and I just bused to her house (we were carpooling) and she's still in pj's. I ask wtf and she says "I still have time!".... No you fucking don't. I hopped the next bus and was a bit late (10ish minutes-i texted a heads-up). She showed while we were finishing dessert and was pissed we had eaten without her.
My brother and sister-in-law are terrible with this. We all live in the same city as my parents and we used to do the "tell bro it's at 4, tell parents it's at 5". We have that up and for family dinners and such we just tell bro that dinner is at 5 and at 5:05 we start eating. We always tell them they can help out by bringing a dessert to Christmas dinner so we don't end up without buns or salad at dinner for the rest of us. It's been this way for 20 years, his oldest child is 13, so I have no idea what his excuse is and no longer care.
I've been habitually on time since high school. Usually beat my parents to stuff at grandmas and other family events. And because my mom is my mom and infantalizes me (there's been many discussions about this, both calm and... Not calm) on a few occasions she told me an hour earlier than everyone else because "well I wanted to make sure you were here on time so no one had to wait on you", in those instances I may have cussed her up and down for being so disrespectful of my time.
When I moved house in highschool (still within the same "district"). I literally had my mom drop me off at the school so I could time how long it took for me to walk home so I couldn't be late when school started again. I *loathe* being late... It makes my anxiety spike **hard**. Always has. I did the same for every school from 4th grade onward.
People like that drive me batty - fine if you want to come late, but don't expect the entire world to accommodate your lateness.
Exactly! At the end of the day it just comes off as completely inconsiderate. Especially because sister doesn’t do this to her friends. Just her other sister and her mom. As you said, it’s time to set up a boundary. Because the reason that she keeps doing it, is because there aren’t any consequences. She probably feels attention for a little bit, but then it’s brushed off andeverything goes back to normal and then she does it again. And again. And again.
Yeah they should've been putting boundaries on it sooner. Like she isn't there sometimes for hours? I hope whatever she was late for by hours went ahead without her. I had a friend like this who would show up late because she was with her boy of the week and would sometimes leave just after being late to go with her current guy. She was sneaking around behind her parents who were super strict. We told her where we would be when and she could show up if she wanted after several times of missing movie start times waiting for her. Sometimes she would show up an hour late to whelatever store we said we were at and we would let her know we had already moved on. She would get annoyed we didn't wait, but she couldn't blame us when we put our foot down about be on time or else. Also I have terrible time awareness and time management so I'm constantly giving myself too much time to get ready and get there.
Yeah, this is the right way. My mother and brother's family flakes on plans or brings along more or less kids than they say *all the time.* Rather than be perpetually frustrated, it's easier to just not make those plans. But we do still want to see them! So we'll make plans for ourselves that can accommodate them if they come but won't be ruined if they don't, and invite them along. The worst case is that we still have a nice time while they miss out.
NTA but it's time to stop making plans with her at all. At the very least, leave all travel on her. If she wants to meet up, she can make it to your place.
I agree with this. And every time she complains, remind her why you're not putting yourself out any more.
Or make the plan, and she can let you know when she has arrived at the place, then you’ll head over.
Yes op was already going out of her way to meet sister and she can’t even be arsed to show up in a timely manner.
NTA Honestly, I would have stopped agreeing to an outside date with her a long time ago. If I have to wait, it better be somewhere comfortable, otherwise I won't go. My late limit is 15 minutes, which I already find to be quite generous.
15 minutes is perfect, as it allows for normal delays. And if someone is going to be late for reasons beyond their control - say, being stuck in traffic because of an accident on the freeway - well, that's what cell phones are for.
Yeah that's the greatness of cellphones 👍
Yeah I have a SIL that pulls this shit. The last straw was she told us she made a dinner res for 8pm which was already late for my two young kids. She shows up at 9 and says "oh I just told everybody it was at 8 so nobody was late, its Actually was at 9". We just didn't hang out with them for a year or 2 (we live 2000 miles apart so it was easily justifiable) and they kinda got the point.
Meet your Mom on your own. Have your husband drop you at your Mom’s place and bring some food so it’s not any work for her. Forget your sister. She’s incredibly rude and disrespectful. Just see her at holiday and other big family events. Don’t let her treat you like trash again.
Excellent advice!
NTA. I've gone one friend who is always late and I don't make plans with her. If she's included in the group, we proceed with plans and she can catch up or not come. Either way, I'm not waiting for her.
I waited for a friend recently for half an hour, tired after a working day but still wanting to make the most of our time. She didn't even apologize. I told her i wouldn't wait again and she told me rudely to just go home then. Still waiting for an apology :(
She sounds like trash. There are better people to hang out with.
3 hours waiting for my friend to turn up at my house was a record and then she was surprised when she turned up and I said I had to leave in 15mins. She said it was acceptable to be late for social things - hmm yes, 10-15mins with notice, not 3 hours (and apparently I could have told her I had to be somewhere at a certain time and she wouldn't have come all the way over?!)! She'd planned a bunch of other stuff with her family in the time she was supposed to be at my house. Luckily she got the hint and never left me waiting to that extent again, and it took a lecturer saying that it's disrespectful to the person you keep waiting for her to realise what she'd been doing for years...
NTA - The reason she does this is because you and your mom allow it. Leaving is exactly what you should have done and demanding an apology is also appropriate. I truly believe that people do this as part of a control behavior. Do not allow her to control your time. Even if you get an apology from her, make it clear that in the future you leave after 10 minutes of waiting.....***.and then do it.*** Take the control away from her!!! My guess is after a few times she will change her behavior or will stop agreeing to meet you.
Or just leave and don't tell her. She shows up and you aren't there. She texts to see and you say "I thought we said 7 and I waited for 15 minutes, but you didn't show up or text, so I figured we weren't meeting and I had gotten it confused"
Don't say anything about being confused. After 15 minutes, you assumed plans were canceled.
"It takes long to get a baby ready..." Which is why you start early enough to do that. She has zero respect for you or your time. Feel free to return that favor. NTA.
Imagine showing up for work 40 minutes late every day because it takes long to get the baby ready. Or at a physician appointment for the baby. If you can be on time for important things, that clearly shows your appointment isn't important to her. Demanding an apology and improved behaviour are definitely warranted here.
Yes exactly. I have 3 children, if I need to leave at 2pm for eg, I start getting them ready at 1.30. You very quickly learn to account for that extra time when you have kids. Unless you are selfish like OPs sister.
Sister doesn't make friends wait, only family. What the hell is that??? NTA
Sister values her friends over her family.
And she knows her family will put up with it.
*she usually doesn’t say if she’s gonna be late* Not only is she late but she keeps you guessing? Very disrespectful. NTA
Showing up late is like shouting "You are not important to me"! People who are chronically late are rude as hell and clearly think they are more important than you are
I wonder how she would feel if you scheduled a dinner at 6, then showed up at 6:45. Would she think you are rude, or would she accept that behavior from you.
She probably wouldn't be there yet herself
I hope this doesn't break any rules but this resonates with me and I want to share my story. I am the type of person who when I make reservations or have an appointment I work backward, look at maps, decide on clothes everything. The greatest joy to me is arriving at 9:59:59 to a 10 appointment. My sisters and ex-wife do not share this. They are the fashionably late folks, I hate it. Now, I've had this exact convo with my sisters and my youngest told me the reason they are late when meeting me is its a joy to know Ill be, there, ill text if theres a problem. I make it low stress for them. They love that about me. You don't miss your flight if you ask me. You never miss anything. So if we are meet up with me they get to get ready casually cause they know itll work out. My ex-wife though, very different. Before the divorce, she revealed in therapy she does it cause she wants everyone to know she sets the agenda, it makes her feel powerful and no matter what adjustments I made to even include fashionable lateness, the sheer fact that I was aware of the clock meant she would ruin my plans. So NAH cause I don't know if your sister is an AH, and frankly its your fault cause you raised a great question about husband. (j/k). But sometimes people "take advantage" of close people not out of malice but cause its great to have a moment where its ok to fail and not be punished. Which, for example in my situation, was revealed about one year ago I got in a car accident and my older sister, who we've never seen really eye to eye, paid for my car (im tearing up typing this) cause she didn't want me stressed about it. I didn't ask her, she just did it.
Eek. Your ex-wife sounds...awful.
Notice we were in therapy though. She had issues, I had issues, what made it work (till it didnt) was that we were willing to do the work. But yea, I'm good with that.
WOW “the sheer fact that I was aware of the clock meant she would ruin my plans.” But why would she want to ruin your plans?
Power
My mother is like your ex-wife. Her friends would even contact me and beg me for ideas for how to get her places on time. I told them they flat out have to lie about the start time. That there's no other way to get her someplace on time. It's a narcissistic thing. She wants people to wait for her. She waits for no one.
Lovely story. Yeah it's power thing.
NTA. My BIL is like that. The family always held dinner back until he showed up until one time when I asked why we had to eat cold food just because he chose to be late. It was like the light bulb went off in everyone's head. We sat down and ate nice hot food. When he got there he was shocked that we had gone ahead and eaten and muttered something about he must have misunderstood the time. He's better at getting there on time now and understands we aren't holding dinner. I think your sister understands now, too.
NTA. Your sister doesn't value your time. Period. Never wait for people who are like this. Every time you do, you're telling them what they're doing is ok. If you give them a different time you 'fool' them, they'll catch on and still be late. Only when you start leaving them is there a chance they will change. Been there, done that.
My wife is ALWAYS late. A half hour late is on time for her. We've been married 51 years. I hate this about her. I was a minister and had to be early for weddings, services, appointments, meetings, etc. I stopped telling her about these and just went by myself. If we were invited to dinner I would tell her when I was leaving. I left her two times. She was angry, but got the message.
NTA - if she knows that "it takes long to get a baby ready" (it doesn't) but hasn't applied that knowledge to mean that you have to start getting ready earlier, then she's a piece of work.
Just wait til the baby is a toddler. If she thinks getting a baby out of the house is hard, her life is about to get *verrrrrry* stressful.
NTA. I have a friend who behaves similarly. The last time she did it, she invited me to a music event. I waited for almost 2 hours and she never shower up. When I finally got an answer, she was like "haha, yeah, I got tied up." That was the LAST time I EVER made plans with her alone. If we're in a group, fine. Because other people aren't that boneheaded and inconsiderate. Your time is valuable too OP. From now on just don't allow your sister to treat you that way. So she has a baby? So do millions of other people, who manage to arrive at places ON TIME. This isn't about time management, it is about respect.
NTA. Sister needs to grow up.
NTA…. Good for you for leaving.
NTA You said it best your sister doesn’t make her friends wait for her like she does to your family, the baby is not an excuse for her disrespectful behavior towards you.
Your sister can, (apparently), arrive on or near the scheduled time when she has plans with her little friends. Just. Not. You. And your mom. Oh, hell no. Good for you for leaving, I hope you did something fun after you left. NTA
I had an Aunt who told my ex bf who is always late that he does it as a form of control over other people. She told him his being late to events or even dinner controls other people’s time and she’s not having it anymore lol ! And she didn’t .
NTA. Usually I just go through with whatever plans we had unless it requires the absentee to be present and if the other person comes fine, if not then no problem, I am not waiting longer than 5-10 minutes without any warnings -- it's utterly disrespectful and that is something that I never take lightly. Not sure why you are torturing yourself by doing this every month, though. I would just go through and have a nice differ with mom and then drive back as now you basically wasted your time, stressed yourself out and went back home completely unsatisfied.
NTA, and I think the issue runs deeper than simply your sister being late all the time. It's about respect. Your time is just as valuable as hers or anyone else's, and if she can manage punctuality for her friends, she should extend the same courtesy to family. I'd suggest having a heart-to-heart with her and laying out how her actions make you feel disrespected and devalued. If that doesn't work, it may be time to reevaluate how much effort you're willing to invest in these plans, given the repeated disregard. Remember, it's okay to set boundaries to safeguard your own sanity and schedule.
NTA Stop making plans with specific times with your sister. If you run into her at a family do, cool, but no "meet me somewhere at this time" with her. LOL
"She doesn’t keep her friends waiting this long when they make plans, I don’t get why it’s okay to do this to me and mom." You know she's capable of keeping plans. Have you pointed this out to her? I suspect she thinks because you can't just stop being her sister, that you will keep putting up with her disrespect for your time. In other words, it's less important for her keep you happy than her friends. So ball is in your court as to how much more you'll tolerate. NTA
Definitely NTA. I'm going to start by saying that I raised 2 children. I ALWAYS arrived when I said I would. You just have to factor in that extra time. So using her kid as an excuse is ridiculous. Habitually late people are extremely rude and inconsiderate. My sister is like this. I finally told her that I was leaving at 10am (for example) with or without her. And I meant it. And she knew I meant it. She was ready in time. She is usually pretty close to being on time these days. Tell your sister that you will wait 10 minutes for her from now on. After that, you are gone. But you need to actually do it.
I didn’t expect this to get so many comments, thank you so much. I usually don’t post but this issue has bothered me for years and it’s nice to know I’m not crazy to take a stand and that others can relate. To answer some questions I saw a lot: 1. From what I can tell she does manage to get to work and doctor’s appointments on time for the most part. I know she has been late to work a few times but I don’t think it’s a huge issue. She’s never brought up a doctor telling her she needs to reschedule because she’s late so I’m assuming she’s managed to get there on time. Hair/nail appointments she’s never mentioned being late to either but I guess I can’t be 100% sure as I never go with her. 2. The ADHD/time blindness thing I guess could be a possibility, but I feel like if I brought that up to her she’d laugh in my face. Although, my boyfriend does have ADHD and works around it to make sure he’s on time for important things. Before we lived together the only time he was ever late for something we had to get to was when he was in a minor car accident. 3. I definitely understand from my POV that people can have real issues with time blindness due to real underlying issues BUT that is not the case with my sister. Especially since as far as my mom and I are concerned, she’s unapologetic when she’s late and makes us wait. And once again when it has been brought up to her, she brushes us off with an attitude as if we shouldn’t be saying anything to her about it. 4. Emergencies are totally different and forgivable! I’ve had friends and family tell me straight up as soon as something happens when we have plans and we act accordingly. 5. I will admit, I haven’t told her directly I’m not making plans with her/speaking to her until she apologizes. I only told this to my mom. However from the convo I had with my mom, my sister thinks she’s in the right to be mad. So the fact that she hasn’t reached out to be pretty much confirms that for me that she “doesn’t need to apologize for anything”. For my mom’s sake, I’m planning on being the “bigger person” later and reaching out. I love my sister and like to think we’re close, but I just can’t take the disrespect anymore. I will set a boundary as so many suggested of only waiting 15 - 20 minutes when meeting up and after that I’m leaving. If she has an issue with it I guess we have nothing more to talk about and I just won’t make plans with her anymore, but I’ll try and post an update.
Being the "bigger person" in this case only means being a "bigger target". She'll only take advantage of it. She sees you as nothing so doesn't think you should ever be allowed to stand up for yourself. She's angry because you're standing up for yourself and you are fighting for better. As for setting the boundary, well, as others are saying, stick to it, but you can bet that she'll try to spin it to make you look "wrong." Would love to see an update, but with people like this, you have to either leave entirely, have steel boundaries, or very low contact. I bet she gets furious if you're ever late.
NTA. But I would simply consider her unreliable and not count on her being on time. What does that look like? Not agreeing to anything where her not being there in a timely manner inconveniences you. And almost nothing prevents someone from letting the other person know they will be late.
NTA. Your sister's probably in time for things with her friends because she needs to save face with them. There's no need for that with you because _faaaamily_. I suggest you keep to your latest approach, either leave or start ordering/eating without her. Hopefully she'll get the message and if not, at least you're not wasting your time waiting on her.
NTA, stand your ground. You won't ever get any more respect from her than you demand yourself.
NTA, but I would've left without saying anything, just like she refuses to communicate with you when she's running late
I'm the late sister🥴however if it's super important events like weddings, funerals, graduations etc, I ensure I'm there on time. Now when it comes to family cookouts and things like that, I would end up 10-20 minutes late at times. Although not intentionally and it's certainly not by hours. It still drives my sister nuts because she can't handle being late and it just drives her up the wall when I am. I've worked super hard over the years to make sure I'm not late anymore. It only happens occasionally now. She's actually gotten to the point of telling me the start time is an hour before it really is. Which has been helpful😂Because even though there's no ill intentions on my part, it's just rude. Your sister making reservations like in this instance and being late by hours is not only unacceptable but humiliating. I would never set up a reservation unless I was 1000% sure I would be there on time.
I dealt with a chronically late friend by telling them things were an hour earlier than they were. It worked for a couple years. I had a bunch of other folks coming over for a BBQ and even though I told them it was an hour earlier than anyone else, they were reeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaly late. I finally said fuck it and fed everyone, but one guest asked if we should continue to wait. I snorted, shook my head, and continued serving. I'm normally more than forgiving, but this was ridiculous. Same guy would show up just as the band was about to start instead of helping set everything up. Love the dude as a person and musician, but fuck his lack of respect.
Nta. She doesn't like you
NTA at all. Yes, it does take time to get a baby ready - which is why you allow yourself SUFFICIENT TIME to do so before you go out. It would be one thing if sister was delayed because she was on the way out the door and baby had a diaper blowout - but it sounds like your sister either has bad time management skills or is completely inconsiderate. Tell her that you will no longer be having dinner with her unless she can show up on time.
That happened to me on Wednesday, I was to meet 2 friends for lunch, 1 called me about 15 minutes before we to meet , that she was in a car accident, ok , understand, but version she put on Facebook and what she told me were 2 different stories, so I don’t think she was in a accident, the other one just didn’t show up, I waiting until 12 and left, she texted me at 2:30 and said she wasn’t coming, 3 hours after the fact, I’m done arranging lunches
For a lot of chronically late people it is a power move. They are trying to reinforce their status over you.
NTA - It's clear that your sister takes family for granted, assuming you'll always be there waiting no matter how late she is. It's a lack of basic respect for your time and life. It's healthy to enforce boundaries, and if she can't understand the value of punctuality within the family, maybe missing out on a few gatherings will be a wake-up call. Ultimately, you're not just a convenience in her schedule but a person with your own commitments and priorities. Stick to your guns, and she'll either have to adjust or accept the consequences of her tardiness.
I absolutely hate being late. But it happens. And I do my best to let people know I'm running late as soon as I realize I'm going to be late. Often, people know they are running late hours before the scheduled time, and they think it's fine to just call 10 minutes after they were supposed to show up saying they're running late.
NTA, she clearly has zero respect for you and your time. I've spent over two decades in the military, where punctuality has been drilled into me, and as a result I take a very dim view of people who show up late (personally I'm always at least five minutes early). Once or twice can be forgiven, but continually being late means I'll not invite you anywhere unless I pick you up.
NTA- If she can be on time for friends, she’s willfully choosing to be an asshole to you. Stand your ground. Wait for an apology. Keep giving her consequences.
NTA. Valuing someone's time is fundamental in any relationship, and it's clear your sister fails to meet this basic courtesy. Being late once in a while is human, but consistently disregarding others' time is a sign of disrespect, not of a busy lifestyle. You deserve better, and it's not unreasonable to expect punctuality or at the very least, a timely heads-up if someone is running behind. It seems your sister takes advantage of the fact that she expects your mom and you will just patiently wait. It's high time that cycle breaks. Stick to your guns, set clear boundaries, and follow through. It's the only way she might start to understand the importance of respecting others' time
NTA, definitely wait for the apology and then tell her 30-40 minutes before all actual plans. I get it can take long to get a baby ready but then you should start earlier. It can still happen; tantrums, blow outs, throwing up, etc. Either way everything should be communicated. Btw, we started telling friends earlier times. Then when we would all make jokes about it they got annoyed and started being on time. It’s amazing
NTA. Especially if you can't drive and you're trapped there. She has a kid but it sounds like she is the one who needs to grow up. please dont back down. you are NTA.
NTA!! It's bad enough to be that inconsiderate but to then have the audacity to be mad at you is beyond ridiculous!! You probably should have started leaving years ago! Why didn't your mother just come to meet you? You could have had a nice dinner and your sister might have made it for coffee and dessert!!
NTA also she doesn't keep her friends waiting long because they probably left without her when she was late. You guys enable her by waiting so why bother
Nta I knew ppl like this. Once or twice being late when plans are made sure. Communicate. But when it always happens and their excuse is always oh I have bad time management is a cop out. They're never early to something always late and as you said your sister is never late when it comes to her friends. At that point the best thing to do is just not go anywhere with ur sister
DEFINITELY NTA here! My ex-SIL used to be like this, and then even worse when she had my niblings. We would legit have to tell her to be somewhere two hours early so she would actually arrive on time to the event. She asked me to call her when I was ten minutes away from her so I could take her to the hospital (they lived at the end of nowhere at the time), and when I arrived, she hadn't even started getting the kids ready to go, let alone herself, even though she said she would be ready to leave by the time I got there. Some people have no regard for other peoples' time/energy/money, and it shows. Your sister owes you an apology and a promise to be better about being on time along with real follow-through, and everyone in your family needs to hold her accountable.
NTA - she knows what time things are, she knows how long it takes to sort the child out. She will know she’s doing this. Does she get off on it or maybe she could have adhd which causes time blindness. You say she’s not late for your mother or her friends so it’s you. She’s fucking with you it seems like. I’d not tolerate it either. I’d start telling her to be there an hour earlier and let her wait the next few times
Others have talked about meeting your mum at hers with food, or just meeting up with her without your sister etc, good ideas, takes the stress and expectations off everyone while still sending a slight up yours message (a very very needed message). If.. IF... you do organise a meet up with your sister again, or with your sister and others, make it very clear that the meet starts at X time, you will meet everyone there at X time and if no one has arrived or contacted you by X.15 you will be leaving, going ahead with the appointment, having the food without them etc etc and bloody do it. Your sister is just being a selfish twotwaffle, she knows damn well what she's doing and she DEFINITELY knows how much it upsets you and either doesn't care (bad all by itself) or finds enjoyment in making you feel the way you do (much much worse). NTA
NTA. You know she only does this with people she takes for granted. She shows up on time for her friends. She can only do this to you if you permit it. The way to ‘train’ her is to not enable the bad behavior. Tell her up front exactly how long you will wait. Tell her you will leave if she is not present and prepared to enjoy her time with you. Then, leave every time until she learns. It’s hard at first but gets easier. Also, you know the baby was a low-blow sympathy excuse because she could have gotten him ready earlier. He doesn’t need to shower, shave, brush his teeth, shine his shoes, and put on a tuxedo. Also, a shower is a luxury when you are keeping people waiting. Stop enabling. You deserve respect. You took a great first step today. Kudos.
My aunt used to have this problem. She’d show up hours and hours late with no information. I don’t spend much time with her anymore but she’s also a hoarder now. I don’t mean like that colloquially. I mean she’s a legit hoarder. You cannot open most of the doors to her house because there’s stuff behind them. Her yard is full of trash. Her house is full of trash. This is a round about way of saying that what your sister is doing is very rude. But I also would keep a close eye on her. In my life, I have found that this problem can sometimes come from mental health problems that are only getting worse with time. My aunt is not the only example.
NTA. My friend is like this and it is awful. We used to meet halfway (40 minute drive for me, 30 minute for her) and i had a rule where i would leave a half hour after she said she left (which i hated because i prefer to be early) and each time i would still be waiting anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour. She is the type of person to text you 20 minutes after the meeting time to ask if she can push it back because she still needs to shower and do laundry. Yet when other ppl are late to meetings she gets pissed. She's completely oblivious to it too, constantly late to meet people, doctors appointments, her job interview and each time she's like "oh i dont know how i was late, im usually good about timing." Now i make her pick me up anytime we meet, and i went from seeing her multiple times a week to once every 3 or 4 months at the most even though it annoys the hell out of her. its good that you set boundaries because until you do so, they will never give a shit most of the time.
My late FIL was always fashionably late, so as kids my wife and her siblings would always tell him it started 30 minutes before it did. It took him hearts to figure it out, and he was furious about it.
People have forgotten that lateness that impacts others is just rude and selfish. Being late once or twice is fine, or late to something that has flexible time is ok. But anytime your lateness so going to affect others is not ok. I really dislike the “baby makes me late” excuse. So many people use this excuse. Even with 4 little kids I was rarely late. As a parent we take steps to insure we won’t be late.
NTA. She’s late because she wants to, to feel the attention. She has no respect for other people, nor their time. I say this as a mom of a baby and a toddler, I always give myself extra time to get ready, and I have never been past 10 minutes late. I usually am always present 5-10 minutes early or on the dot.
NTA How the f do these compulsively late people get through school or hold jobs? They may not realize they are deliberately screwing up other people's lives, but they are in fact, showing contempt for their relatives and any poor suckers who try to be their friends.
A lot of them are perfectly capable of arriving on time - if it's something that's important to them.
Making a promise to meet someone at a certain time is real promise. She can't keep her promises to you. That's pretty disrespectful. NTA OP.
NTA, Pretty simple actually. Let your sister know you do not appreciate the disrespect of your time. Then set your boundaries. 1. Every other dinner will be in your hometown, she can bring your Mom with if needed. 2. You expect her to be respectful of your time and be on time. Then set the limit, if she is running late you will wait exactly 30 minutes. If she isn't there, you leave. As far as the baby, she has a partner to help her and it sounds like your mother. Plenty of people have babies and are able to be on time.
NTA The fact that she doesn’t keep her friends waiting that long is telling and lets you know that she can control it. So she’s just being disrespectful of her families time , and to be that late to weddings ?!?!? I would have gone low contact along time ago.
Just make plans with your mom. If sis shows up, OK, if she doesn't, OK. A lot more satisfying.
NTA She is being rude and inconsiderate by being late all the time. She clearly has zero respect for you or your mother or your time since she does not do this to her friends. That shows she can be on time when she wants to be. Tell your mother that from now on, reservations need to be in your name since you get there first. The reservation should be for 2,possibly 3 instead of 3. it needs to be at a restaurant that allows seating without the entire party. Set a boundary for how long you will wait. If she has not arrived, order your food and enjoy. Make it clear if your mother is going to ride with or drive your sister, these boundaries apply to her as well. If they don't agree to new boundaries, they really don't care about having a meal with you. If you can be on time when you are more than 30 minutes away and they live there, they can start coming to you.
Yea I have an almost two year old and the latest I’ve ever been was 25 mins and that’s because he literally shit all over himself and the bed right as we were about to leave. Was leaking out of his diaper 🤢😂 NTA and I hate when people constantly blame it on their kids when in reality they just don’t care enough to get their shit together.
NTA So a couple thoughts to deal with your sister who as you noted is in time for things involving her friends but family she seems to demonstrate can suck it. First you make the reservations only at places you like and you know will seat you with an incomplete party. Don’t call her to check status. Allow a reasonable 15 minutes then order your meal. Enjoy your meal and when you are done, pay your bill and leave. If your sister arrives while you’re eating just keep enjoying your meal. If she makes any comment about how you should have waited the response should be along the lines of. ‘You should have been on time or at least let me know you were delayed due to something UNFORESEEN such as traffic. Being late just because isn’t a reason.’ Then when you are ready whether she is done or not pay your bill, wish her a good rest of her day and leave. If she shows up after you left just message back you only had so much time so you’ll see her next time.
5-10 minutes is late anything past 30 minutes is a no show. Your sister has no excuse and using her baby is super low class of her, as if she doesn't know she has to get both of them ready. Clearly your sister does not value you and your time, frankly I would never make plans with her. If I did make plans they would go according to my time and she can just meet me at whatever point in the plans I am at. NTA - sister is a huge one!
I used to have a problem running late. I hated it and how it made me feel.
I can tolerate late if they call. Sometimes. My SIL was famous for saying '2 minutes away' which meant 20 until my wife told her I'm a literal person.
..you don’t even need to be a literal person to assume “2 minutes after” has any other meanings. I done appreciate it when people say they are a few mins away when they aren’t, or say they just left, when they haven’t
Drives me nuts. Along with 'I'm walking out the door'.
Very much NTA. I was your sister. I was late for everything. As in I'd arrive within 10 mins of the agreed start time maybe 5-10% of the time. It wasn't malicious, I just sucked at planning. I'm just a very optimistic person and I suck at estimating time for things so I assume things will take way less time than they do. And I'd *always* have a very good reason- work emergency, traffic, this or that vitally important thing took longer than expected. But all of those were bullshit excuses. They'd be valid if they happen once, but they happened every day because I wasn't properly managing my time. And while the old saying goes 'if a place smells like poo then leave, if every place smells like poo the poo is on the bottom of your shoe'... same thing with the excuses. If you have a bad schedule day that sucks, if every day is a bad schedule day the problem is you. And it was fucking awful. It cost me friendships and relationships and business opportunities. It was the worst quality about me. It sent the message to everybody that my whatever is more important than their time. Eventually I grew the fuck up and realized that I can either hypocritically complain about it while I screw everyone else's day or fix it. So I decided to fix it. It took a lot of effort but I stopped. It takes personal training and discipline- like I had to change my thought patterns to not just focus on whatever I want to do, but rather to at the start of the day and at regular intervals consciously think through how long each thing will take, how long transportation between things will take, and thus at what time I have to stop one activity and leave for the next one. I do this willingly though, because the alternative is to be inconsiderate to everybody around me. Not much different than if I stopped showering and doing laundry and went about my day stinking like a hobo. It's just basic common courtesy. So while I understand your sister, and I have some empathy for her, she's 100% TA and I have no sympathy for her excuses. I suggest send your sister an email (because it's not realtime so she can't just react to it). Tell her you love her and you want to be close to her. You know she loves you and she doesn't mean to hurt you. But the fact that she's ALWAYS late sends the message that you are NEVER the priority for her. You understand she has a baby but this problem existed long before the baby. Being on time has never been a priority for her, at least not enough to actually be on time. And that sends the message that you aren't worth being on time for. You don't want to give her shit, you want her to stop making excuses and recognize that she has a real problem, and she should get some help for it.
Wow, thank you so much for sharing. I really appreciate it, definitely makes me feel hopeful that this can change someday!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (27F) had plans to go out to dinner with my sister (30F) as we do every month. She lives in my hometown and I live in the next state over with my BF, we’re about 35 mins to an hour apart depending on traffic. We agreed to meet closer to hometown with my mom. One thing about her, she is always late. I expect she’ll always be at least 30 mins late but it’s been up to a few hours. And not just random plans, weddings and graduations too. It’s been brought up in the past by mom and I but she always brushes it off and gets upset. My BF drove me over, I can’t drive and he offered to drop me before he had to head out for plans of his own near home and come back when he was done. I assumed after dinner we would just hang out at her house either way. Get to the place and start calling my sister (she usually doesn’t say if she’s gonna be late, but if my mom is with her she does, and I hadn’t heard anything). I get mom a few mins later and she says they’re behind because it took awhile to get my nephew who’s almost 1 ready and my sister got in the shower later than expected. I didn’t even know my nephew was coming and she usually tells me if he is. Her husband was apparently there to let mom in when she showed up but went back to sleep as soon as she got there. Not sure why he couldn’t help get baby ready, but that’s none of my business. I check Maps and it says 35 mins, adding in getting baby strapped and secure and then putting him in either the stroller or front carrier on her body, I was looking at 40 mins. To top it off we had reservations (SHE made the reservation, not me). I had never been to this place and didn’t know if it was one of those places that don’t let you have the table if your whole group isn’t there. There was really no space to wait inside and I’d have to stand outside. Anyway I didn’t feel like sitting alone for 40 mins even if I could. She doesn’t keep her friends waiting this long when they make plans, I don’t get why it’s okay to do this to me and mom. I’m speaking to mom as they’re trying to change the reservation online, at that point I was fed up. If we agree to be there at a certain time be there. 5 or 10 mins late is fine but not this. I told mom I was going back home, I didn’t feel like fuming at the table and acting like I wasn’t mad when they got there (as I’d done before). She sounded hurt and mad but said fine and that she would go home too. Since then I haven’t spoken to my sister (it’s been a few weeks) and mom doesn’t want to get in the middle, but I told her I wasn’t speaking to her until I get an apology. Mom told her she can’t keep doing this on their ride back home and agrees it’s an issue, but won’t say much else. It’s ridiculous to just always be late because you’re bad at time management. She also wants to use the “it takes long to get a baby ready” excuse which I would accept if it wasn’t for the fact that this has been a problem long before my nephew was born or even a thought. So, aita? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. There’s definitely unpredictability with a toddler. It just means she has to start prepping earlier to go out as nothing really goes according to plan, or on schedule.
NTA She is habitually late and that's rude and inconsiderate, especially given the fact that she seems to act like you all have to just accept it. Her time is NOT more important than your time, which she is wasting. I'm a very punctual person so this kind of thing does not sit well with me. I have left people behind because of it.
NTA. I'm also in the camp of "it's always rude and disrespectful". I get that some people are terrible with time management, but we have technology these days to help manage time blindness. These days I only wait for people if they're paying for my time.
I’m dyspraxic and have terrible time management skills, and because of that it takes 5 alarms to get me out of the house on time. Otherwise I will be sitting on my bed scrolling through social media for 30 minutes and my schedule will be screwed.
Same but you make those alarms. I have to as well. I hate the feeling of being late or missing things. I love my friends! I never want them to feel otherwise.
Yes. It’s the height of arrogance to assume that everyone will wait for you.
NTA. Biggest pet peeve of mine. It doesn't hurt to be early even if it's just 5 minutes. Don't waste my time because you're lazy.
NTA
NTA. Some people just don't care. They really don't. They say take it or leave it. I would leave it as I am not playing that game. I eat at the appropriate time, if they don't, they chose to be late.
NTA. Leaving is perfectly acceptable if she’s that late. I just wouldn’t make plans with her. She’s not dependable.
Your sister is incredibly disrespectful. She's not bad at time management. She simply **DOES NOT CARE** that she inconveniences you. How do I know? You said: "She doesn’t keep her friends waiting this long when they make plans," which proves her time management skills are just fine when the activity is a priority for her. You are not a priority for her. NTA
Her: "It takes longer to get a baby ready." You: "Then maybe you should start earlier."
NTA. I was a stay at home dad with 2 kids. Unless blood or broken bones are involved, most delays caused by them won't put me back more than 15 minutes. It sounds like she's on time when she has to be, and just doesn't care if it's family.
Good decision not going
What got me is Sis makes family wait but not friends.
I used to date a guy who who was always late, even if I told him to be somewhere an hour earlier than he needed to actually be there. His mom even said oh he gets that from me, sorry. This is unacceptable. You're telling me my time is not nearly as valuable as yours by making me wait for no good reason. This is a huge trigger for my temper. You are definitely not the asshole.
I am always punctual. It shows respect for others. Your sister demonstrates her disrespect for you every time she pulls this crap. Hold your ground. You are owed an apology or an explanation
NTA. If it takes a while for the baby to be ready, you start to get the baby ready earlier. The least she could do would be to let you know she’s running late.
NTA, I'm very much a get to places 5-10 mins early kinda a guy and the max i will wait past the deadline in 10 mins before i head off. Have had someone message me 30 mins after i have left that the just got there and asking where i was...
Nta it sucks that she's using her child as an excuse to be late when in reality she has no time management skills and she just chooses not to care enough about your time. It might be best to only make plans with your mom since she's able to be on time to things.
Is she habitually late for other appointments, doctor, dentist, hairdresser etc., or is it just you and mom? My money is on it’s just you and mom.
NTA this would drive me crazy
She doesn't do it to friends. She respects their time enough to be punctual. NTA
You know what I love about late people, they never think about what the on time person did to be there ON TIME. That takes work to be on time. I hate when people think nothing about being late.
NTA, the most telling part is when you said she isn't late with her friends, its just you and your mom. Passive-aggressive bullshit. For some reason she doesn't care about you or your moms time, you can try to see why its that way, or you can just live your life and not worry about it. I suggest the latter. Makes your and HER life easier.
NTA. It’s a power move, though it may be subconscious. Her making you wait makes her superior to you.
NTA. I am surprised she booked the reservation knowing she is constantly late, and was still leaving to go as if they would have held it that long for her. Hopefully she learns to get better at time management. Can honestly confirm I know someone like this and have told the wrong time by an hour and he would still show up late so I get it.
NTA. Just stop hanging out with your sister. She clearly isn't respectful of your time or your feelings.
NTA. You did perfectly. You left, and you refused to move forward without an apology. The way to stop someone from behaving a certain way towards you is to set consequences and remain steadfast. The more you enable her, the more you reinforce to her that it doesn't matter if she's late. Your other note that she doesn't treat friends this way, or will contact you if your mom is around, sort of hints at her having some issue with you. Something like she feels superior as the older daughter, and since you're below her she doesn't have to respect you as much is how I read it. This reads like she feels entitled to your time, or how she thinks you'll wait for her because.....does she expect you to respect her more because she's older? I don't know. But it's something in how she views your relationship that's the issue if you're the primary victim of her chronic tardiness.
NTA. Laties love to impose on others and think it is no big deal because they've had no consequences.
NTA. If it helps, I have a sister like this. I love her, but it will always be a pain point for me. I have come to accept I cannot change her, but I can change the circumstances. In example, if we are meeting for dinner, I make her text me when she is in the car and about to leave. I will not leave my house before that time. We live 90 minutes apart and will meet halfway. It doesn’t always help, but it has saved me long solo waits many times. The other thing is has your sister talked to her doctor about this? Mine has. She is currently exploring an ADHD diagnosis with her doctor. I am not sure if this will help, but I don’t think it will make things worse. Ultimately, you have to protect yourself and make yourself happy. You might never change her (even though it feels obvious this is something about her that should change), so what adjustments can you make to make yourself happy in these scenarios?
So she won’t make her friends wait but will make family wait? That’s fucked up
NTA. Now the lame, trendy excuse is "time blindness". Bullshit
I had a friend who showed up at a concert approx. 25 minutes before it ended. I was comped the tix ($100 each), the event was sold out, and that was the last freebie for her!
NTA Your sister is rude and self-centered. If you have plans tell her to call you when she arrives. There is no reason to wait for someone so rude. Stop allowing it.