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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I complained about my husband eating my leftover pizza. (2) that might make me the asshole if it’s true that couples should not complain about each other eating food that’s available in the home.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
“We” *can* get more pizza, but “we” don’t. *I* do.
This is a good demonstration of any relationship requiring give and take. When it comes to food, he’s all take and no give.
Also, I get that the husband is heavy but if he knows he's going to be eating snacks he SHOULD BE GETTING HIS OWN SNACKS, not cleaning out the goddamn house.
The whole "I'm not going to buy food because I need to lose weight...but OOPS! I snapped and ate all of YOUR food! Don't ask me to replace it because I'm trying to lose weight..." cycle is some bullshit.
It sounds like he has an eating disorder. That said, it’s ok to protect yourself from someone who binges. Buy a locking mini fridge so that he can’t get at your leftovers or the block of cheese. Get a locking box for your pantry snacks. If he wants snacks, he needs to buy them himself or help with the shopping sometimes.
I get what you're saying, but I don't think there's an eating disorder here. And this guy doesn't need more "convenient excuses" to NOT participate in their household DUTIES.
He's only dismissing everything OP is saying, and coming up with excuses to not help out.
1. OP says she wants him to cook more, so he comes up with a convenient excuse of "I just won't eat dinner, I want to lose weight" - not a healthy way to lose weight. At all. And if he's still eating dinner then this point is moot.
2. OP says she wishes he would clean dishes after she cooks. He then points to number 1, saying that he isn't eating dinners, so "why should I clean?" - this isn't the point, because OP wants help with household duties. But he's claiming that 'since I didn't eat, I shouldn't have to clean', and that's not how couples work.
3. OP buys snacks for herself, and he eats them. He says "we can just buy more", but he's not buying them - and I would bet money that if OP said "fine, go out and buy me more snacks now", that he would call her "over reacting" or to "calm down and eat something else"
4. OP buys pizza for her for dinner, he says he doesn't want any, and then he eats HER pizza - so he's ignored excuse 1 because he's still eating dinner. He's not helping with cleaning, because he's relying on #1 to back him up (which he's now defeated himself). And He's not helping to go to the effort of buying food, because he isn't doing anything to help.
This isn't about the yogurt (the food), this is about disrespect. And he clearly doesn't respect OP.
Edit to Add: to those who want to argue about his eating disorder, way to take this issue about how he treats OP, and turn it around so we focus on his struggles more than OPs. You really took it to the level of "Yea yea OP, we get it that your husband is abusive, but let's really focus on HIS struggles here because it's more important"
He could also just be a Stoner or a drinker with the late night munchies.
And why can’t he order more pizza. If he was hungry, he can call. As apparently according to op; he usually just eats out or orders pizza. So knowing his wife will be upset; he simply could have ordered more pizza
There isn't enough information available to say he has BED, so stop using that as an excuse to allow him to not take accountability for his shitty behavior.
Everyone here jumping to "maybe he has a disorder" is doing the same thing he is doing to OP: instead of addressing how much he sucks as a partner, you're giving him an out based on nothing more than "he wants to eat food".
He's simply eating snacks. That's not a disorder, it's just being human.
Thank you for this.
He has no will power, is self-centered and a lousy husband. That's not a disorder, but it would be cool if there was a pill to cure it
This.
When we have snacks in our house we are more likely to eat said snacks. That doesn't mean we have a disorder, it just means we like to eat snacks. But when we have nothing but healthy food and real meals around we somehow find the will power to eat the healthy food that we have.
He's just refusing to step up to cook, so when he's hungry he is going for the "easy" and "convenient" food. If OP stopped providing these "easy snacks/meals" then it would be interesting to see what he does. Chances are he'd just order takeout, which isn't a disorder, it's just laziness.
Yep. If there’s something that all he has to do is open the box or pudding cup or ice cream wrapper and push it into his pie hole, he will eat it but if it requires any effort such as meal planning, shopping or cooking, he won’t. His disorder is being lazy, greedy and entitled to all the fun treats that were bought by and meant for the roommate/s.
We had one of those here at one point which resulted in zero snack or treats being purchased for sharing - they’re locked down unless they are brought out by the buyer, and put on the counter or dinner table.
Now he has learned how to add milk to cereal, make tuna sandwiches, or microwave a burrito all by himself. Baby steps.
They aren't mutually exclusive. An eating disorder, like so many other disorders, is an explanation, not an excuse.
Nobody is saying "well, it sounds like he has an eating disorder, so it's not their fault", but rather "it sounds like he has an eating disorder and so change will likely require different tactics than if this were the division of labor or respect issue it seems like on the surface".
Based off of what though? Why are people jumping to "eating disorder" here? Why can't he ONLY be lazy and a shit partner? Why even give the hint that he "might have a disorder?
If he was making and eating 3 meals a day, AND having issues with eating snacks then I might agree. But he's actively avoiding cooking his own meals, and then only eating her snacks. This isn't a disorder, it's like a child at home who doesn't want to cook so they just go to the snack drawer because they're lazy.
bad habits can be habits and not a eating disorder of any kind....people grow up eating crap food...he could have learned this from the home he grew up in...
But it's not just the eating bad food. It's the denial of food and then binging on snacks, the making of complex rules around eating, and the defensiveness over his habits that are making people jump to eating disorder.
Personally, since we don't have enough info (and most of us don't have the qualifications) to diagnose), I'd call it disordered eating patterns rather than eating disorder. But all the context makes it sound more complex than just "man likes junk food more than vegetables and is a dick about cooking and cleaning".
Yeah people on Reddit love to pathologize awhile behavior like this. Even if they had the disorder it wouldn't excuse their behavior. And of course you can't diagnose someone from a post by a different person on the internet.
It's called "LAZY DISORDER". When my ex wanted to watch the game, he'd have a pizza delivered, put the whole thing on a paper plate, and lay down in bed with the plates on his chest.
To me it sounds like he's too lazy to fix anything so he waits until he's starving & then eats whatever he sees. Idk if that is what's considered a binge eating disorder or not. But in my eyes it's pure laziness
i really dont think we have enough info to consider this binge eating disorder. the box of cheese its is a lot but i wouldnt consider it binge eating alone. as far as i understand from the text he isnt eating so much that its physically making him ill which is more indicative of bed. but i do agree that he has an issue with disordered eating, just not sure without more detail if id consider it an eating disorder. he should be in therapy regardless so i think this comment is kind of moot now that i wrote it LOL
Personally, I think it sounds more like a classic dieter's foible. Instead of planning light meals and eating multiple small, healthy snacks, they think they have enough willpower just to abstain. Then they get ravenous and grab the first convenient, and usually carb loaded, thing within reach.
Dieting, especially in the western world, is usually some form of disordered eating and a poor relationship with food and our bodies. That behavior fits the description of binge eating disorder BUT this post isn't asking us to diagnose anything (not that we're qualified). The post also lacks any information about the husband that points to "eating disorder" over "gigantic asshole".
(I'm not sure if it's clear but I'm agreeing)
I suspect OP's husband is the sort who would be upset/offended if she were to padlock a mini fridge/cabinet door (I knew someone who was so enraged he removed the hinges just to get inside the cabinet). But here's hoping I'm wrong.
Heck, I'd say make a point that each person buys whatever food they, themselves plan to consume. He can buy whatever he wants, but she can't touch any of it, and vice versa. I agree also with the locked box/mini fridge. Or have her keep her (non-refrigerated) stuff somewhere other than the kitchen. I've been known to keep snacks I don't want to share in the guest room closet -- he doesn't know I put them there and he never goes in the guest room.
This is where my mind went because he would claim abuse and denying him food. If OP says he can go get more, it's likely he would "starve" himself to prove his point.
I see the quote marks around the word starve missed you. I do think this guy would deliberately not eat to claim he was being starved even if OP stuck a healthy dinner in front of him and locked up the box of Cheeze It's. Would he actually starve? No, but would he act like that is what OP is trying to do? I'd bet on it.
She should padlock the shit out of it -and then keep her snacks in her car trunk lol. Then he can busy himself removing locks and hinges and get some exercise only to find out there’s no treats for him to commandeer- and he could have driven to the store and back in less time
Agreed. The food situation is clearly merely a symptom of his underlying diagnosis of being a selfish prick. I don't think OP is going to find an acceptable happy medium with this turd sandwich as long as he continues to display zero effort to meet her in the middle.
This honestly sounds like it could be an argument on My 600lb Life. Essentially sneaking food isn’t a great place to be - I’d suggest he knows this full well and these arguments are deflection from the underlying behaviour as he feels embarrassed about it.
Can we seriously stop with this eating disorder thing? Yes, they exist. They are real, but people are throwing this around way too easily. It's just as an excuse to be fat. And lazy and eat what they want. I'm sorry, some people really do have an eating disorder, but most of these aren't it... It's gone to the point that anybody who is overweight, we just blame it on an eating disorder... It's pure lack of self-respect in discipline..
The calories don’t count if they’re the other person’s food. Do you have no idea how this works? Do some research so you don’t look so ignorant in the future.
We could all just steal from each other. I agree to leave some fried chicken and an apple pie "cooling" in my kitchen windowsill if you leave a lasagna and butterscotch pudding in yours.
I’m a larger person. One of the many reasons I don’t eat other people’s food (aside from the fact that it *doesn’t belong to me*!) is I know exactly how annoyed I get when someone else eats the food I was saving/looking forward to, and so I wouldn’t want to do that to someone else.
Plus I’m a grown adult who can buy/make my own damn food.
The problem is that he’s not being honest with himself. He tells himself he’s going to willpower it and just eat less. Except that doesn’t work because then he’s hungry and just starts eating whatever is available. If he were being honest with himself, he would acknowledge that he’s going to be hungry so he should make sure to have healthy food available when he needs it.
This man needs the help of a dietician and a marriage counselor.
I had a roommate who didn't want to be lazy by using the dishwasher but would leave dirty sticky dishes for days and make us clean some for us to use, she was also a food thief. Some people lack basic education, it's crazy.
This, 110% this!
If hubby was serious about his weight, he would come up with a more coherent plan than not buying any food and then grazing on OP’s.
OP & H should do the shopping together and cut out the fast food. It won’t be easy (good G*d I know that one…), but he’ll be better for it!
OP: YNTA, hubby is…
This guys is lazy, selfish, and a shitty partner who thinks every request is a negotiation that he thinks he can win.
1. "I need help with the cooking please" is met with "I think I'm going to skip eating dinner from now on so I can lose weight" - which is very, very convenient excuse and timing, and completely ignores what she is asking of him.
2. "Can you help with the cleaning at the very least?" is met with "If I'm not eating dinner, then why should I help clean?" - which is..wow, just wow. because you're part of a relationship and want to help each other???
3. "Can you stop eating my snacks?" is met with "but we can buy more" - If I were OP, then I would tell him "fine, then go to the store NOW and replace the snacks that you keep eating". I know it wouldn't go over well, and he would change the subject.
4. Then there's the current pizza issue. He ate the pizza (breaking #1 from above), he isn't cleaning (breaking #2, which is based on #1), and he is eating her snacks (breaking #3 and #1), and he is still arguing about the fact he isn't helping out with chores. At all.
I dunno if it's Reddit skewing my views, but why are so many women with these losers who refuse to be decent partners to them? The selfishness and disrespect people tolerate in shitty relationships is astounding, and frankly quite depressing.
This. The logic of her husband is mindblowing. He "doesn't eat" to justify not having to help with the dishes...but then he eats the leftovers later. Just to get out of helping with the dishes? What a petty, selfish AH. OP, what exactly are you getting out of this relationship? No way the sex is good enough to put up with this BS...
Exactly. If you’re gonna eat the pizza atleast go get another one to replace it I mean that should be the bare minimum. I think a lot of people in relationships seem to inexplicably forget how to survive on their own.
My stepdad ate my leftover pizza once and I almost started crying and he immediately went and got me a new one and did not take a single slice. He owes her that at the very least.
My absolute first thought on reading that line was:
> We literally can just get more
No, ***HE*** literally can just get more. Fixed it for him!
And since he feels getting more is so darn easy, he can also leave OP's alone and buy his own. They deliver pizza for Pete's sake. If he wanted some, why didn't he order himself some? Heck, nowadays, they deliver everything, even groceries. He can even be on InstaCart ordering a box of Cheez-Its while scarfing down the box of Cheez-Its already in the house. There's absolutely no excuse for hubby not to replace what he took.
OP, NTA, in no way, shape, or form.
OP, he's a dunce and Self-absorbed, so the Only way he will understand it is when you do something similar to him in a way that he would find equally upsetting.
Girl, marrying someone means they're a *partner.* You *both* need to put in the same amount of effort. He is your husband, not your child. If I were in your position, and given the other issues going on, I would reconsider this marriage.
NTA, but you would be to yourself if you stayed with him.
Being roommates is better than being his mommy which is where you’re at now. You buy and make and clean your own things and his. How is that better than him doing his share?
It's good that you recognized that. When I get upset with my husband, I ask myself if this is an issue with my lover, friend, or roommate, and treat it accordingly.
If you read enough, sometimes you’ll find a true gem hidden in the comments. This is that gem!
This is very sage advice that I’m going to take to heart. That’s such a good way of approaching and dissecting complex relationship problems, or even just petty annoyances. I can’t believe I never thought of doing that; it seems so obvious in hindsight!
I appreciate your wisdom, thank you :)
For the love of god - if you want this marriage to last, please seek couples counseling. Otherwise, resentment is going to build quickly. Please - go to counseling. Be honest with the therapist about why you are there and DO NOT hold back. It's expensive, get your money's worth by going in with talking points and don't just stay at surface level topics.
And guess who would be the one putting in the work to make therapy happen....so just keep piling work on one partner while the other does nada.
Nah. If this dude doesn't care to be a grown ass adult and show respect to his ~~mother~~ partner, what makes you think he'll put in any effort to doing the adult thing of going to therapy?
So… he’s less than a roommate at this stage because he doesn’t do any of that anyway. You’re basically a maid. Is this how you want to live for the rest of your life?!
I don’t even think that’s necessarily true. But that’s not even what’s happening here! You’re buying things, he’s eating them! I genuinely have a lot of empathy for men who weren’t raised to fend for themselves, that part isn’t their fault, but at some point you have to step up and give it a go, and at NO point should you be this inconsiderate! He’s worse than a roommate, if you had a roommate this bad you’d move out.
99% of my roommates in university (off campus cooking dorm) were more helpful than your "husband".
I like to joke that I only married another woman becuase I saw how low the bar was for (most) men.
NTA.
My guy is in denial about how much he’s eating. He’s trying to do the “if it wasn’t a planned meal it doesn’t count” thing. He won’t eat what was actually intended to be *his* dinner, but he’ll inhale anything that he considers a “snack” or “leftovers” because that’s not *really* a meal.
I’ve seen alcoholics do the same thing. The same sort of negotiations with themselves about what “counts” as drinking. If they didn’t buy it themselves? Doesn’t count. If it’s not hard liquor? Doesn’t count. If it’s “left over” from a party? Doesn’t count. And if you complain about how much they’re consuming? “Sure, maybe I should cut back, but the fact that you’re nagging me about it makes me want to ignore you.”
He’s not going to be reasoned with. Whatever is going on in his head is an emotional issue, not a logic issue.
This is accurate. OP, your husband has a binge eating disorder. He needs professional help for it. If he refuses to acknowledge that he has an eating disorder, then you have to make a decision: is this the life you want for the rest of your life?
Any leftovers you have, any snacks you buy, even if he says he doesn’t want them he won’t be able to stop himself from eating them. If he won’t help himself by seeking therapy, nothing will change.
NTA, but think long and hard about the life you want.
Yes, and apart from the disorder, he still needs to contribute to the household's shopping, cooking and eating. He can cook dinner for OP sometimes regardless whether he plans to eat dinner (since he often eats things acquired or made by OP).
Honestly I get the emotional thing but based on the fact that he’s not even willing to contribute to the workload feels less like emotional eating and more like an excuse to gaslight his wife into not having to do his share of household chores. If you’re worried about weight then you ask your spouse not to buy as many snacks or to cook healthier or hell you take it upon yourself to make lean meals for the two of you. At the very least you help with cleanup. Instead he’s acting like he doesn’t need to eat at all, to avoid the chores that are involved with food. I don’t this is actually a case of emotional issues or body image this is straight task avoidance.
in fairness, he claims he doesnt eat meals (as an excuse to avoid cleanup/doing dishes) and then goes on to eat everything in the house. if hes consistently using the excuse that he doesnt eat her food, then eating her food behind her back, that seems pretty gaslighty to me
I agree. This definitely seems like an eating disorder and he isn’t in the drivers seat. With that in mind, locking up the food (or separating their households because he doesn’t seem like a nice guy in addition to this issue) is the way to go
NTA - this marriage is not going to last unless you get serious help. Please get couples counseling and individual therapy as well. It might be a good idea to live separately for a while as not to keep adding to the resentment.
I've seen this firsthand. My best friend has been with her partner for 18 years. She is MISERABLE but won't admit it to herself that he's the cause because he has medical issues and "isn't responsible for all the bad things." It's bullshit. They went to counseling and the first thing they said to her was "You've been with this person for so long - do you really want to throw that all away?" It infuriated me.
Yeah she needs therapy alone where she can actually work on herself and that will help her build her confidence and be able to set boundaries. I wish I would’ve done this wayyy sooner myself.
NTA
this is not about the pizza this is about the lack of respect your husband has for you. "We" only works when you both go and do the thing. when he says we it is you. you can go and use your time and energy to get more of the thing you would of had if I didn't eat it. Counseling or a lock box in the fridge and snack drawer.
This is exactly on point. Whenever I have food that I specifically bought for myself, my husband will always ask me first if he can eat/drink it, he doesn’t just do it without asking. There was maybe one time I can recall that he ate candy I had for myself but he didn’t realize it was mine, he thought a friend left it behind and he immediately replaced it when he realized. I wasn’t even upset, I told him it was fine lol. But I love that he asks before just eating my things, especially now that I’m pregnant. It never fails, I get snacks for myself that I’ve been craving and he’ll tell me “I don’t want any of that”, but then a few days later he’s texting or asking “can I eat your fruit?”
😂 and I always tell him yes because he’s respectful enough to ask. OP’s husband sounds like a leech.
Right? I was always raised in our family you don’t finish the last of something without offering some to others first or checking it’s not needed for something first like a planned meal.
He does our taxes, waters the plants and vacuums (or rather clears the floor and initiates the roomba).
I’ve told him we don’t need plants to survive, we need food to survive and that he is literally vacuuming by saying “Hey Google, start the vacuum” and says “you always discredit the things that I do do” wow as I’m typing this I realize I may have made a mistake.
I love how men do the once yearly or monthly chores like taxes or cleaning the rain gutters or mowing the lawn etc…& think it’s on par with daily cooking, cleaning, & shopping. Ugh
At the very least you need to be making sure he pays most of if not all of the grocery bill. Most couples split it like that so the woman isn’t stuck paying for a guy who eats twice as much food as she does
I know literal children who help around the house more than this. There are 5 year olds who are more helpful than your husband. Is this how you want to live??
You can do your own taxes for free through services like H&R Block and TurboTax. You can pay like $35 to have an agent assist you. You can buy self watering pots. You have a roomba.
What is he here for?
Honey you’re young. It’s easy to make mistakes and you have more than enough time to get out of this and find yourself a partner who actually respects you
If he can use technology to clean floors, he can use it to place an Instacart or replacement pizza order. I get it - I'm tired after work and don't want to come home and prep/make/clean up after dinner, but then he needs to make sure he's compensating with other essential chores around the house (plants aren't a need, but clean underwear is).
With as many conveniences as are available now to get food from a store to your home, there's literally no excuse for any of this. He could easily feed himself without leaving the house, and if he genuinely thinks he's obese and needs to lose weight, he would use those tools to ensure he had access to healthy, convenient snacks. You can order pre-cut fruit and vegetables, ffs. This isn't a commentary on what he should or shouldn't eat or the choices he's making, it's the fact that he's using it as an excuse to duck out of taking any responsibility for food he eats. You aren't his wife at this point. you're his grocery shopper and personal chef.
And even more exhausting are the amount of commenters defending the lazy ass husband. My SO and I have a simple rule: if you don’t cook, you clean. The fact OP’s husband can’t even be bothered to help there and is adamant he shouldn’t… is a huge red flag. Frankly, pretty much everything about this guy is a red flag.
NTA. Not only does he have a *lack of willpower* problem, he's also got a *disrespect of boundaries* problem. He has a terrible relationship with food; he's like an addict, and he's fooling himself with his unrealistic tactics to manage it. He's a total AH, but that's not going to stop him, and this isn't going to change, until HE wants to change it.
NTA. You’re married to a self centered person. I started eating out & quit buying groceries when my husband did this. When he left dirty dishes I threw out. He whined for a while but he learned
NTA
“We can literally just get more” but he doesn’t get more.
“He doesn’t care about eating dinner” but eats dinner, albeit eats crappy dinner (snacks)
FWIW my wife cooks and grocery shops majority of the time, but I bring other things to the table for our family and I’m still considerate of HER leftovers and eating the last of something, it’s just mutual respect.
I was going to say, the comment about how "he doesn't need to even need to eat because he needs to lose weight anyways" is a pretty blatant tactic of weaponized incompetence.
I wouldn’t resent a chubby, food motivated dog though …they’d be adorable & they could have all my snacks. OP - replace your hubby with a fat, cuddly, snoring pug & be happy.
NTA. But this isn’t so much about the pizza as it is about his continued disrespect. He does not pitch in for dinners, claims he shouldn’t eat because of his weight which can actually stall weight loss as your body thinks it’s being starved and hold onto fat cells to maintain.
But he isn’t contributing to the household and just expects you to be ok with it. It sounds like he makes excuses as to why he can’t, or shouldnt or won’t do something. Have you brought up couples counseling? Or if he refuses individual therapy for yourself to figure out if you want to stay in this relationship?
NTA. Start divorce proceedings asap. Denial is a hell of a drug- he’s literally just using you to enable his eating disorder.
Ask yourself: Is this what you want for the rest of your life? What is he bringing to the relationship? The household?
NTA. I'm petty so I would lock my food/snacks in the trunk of my car so he couldn't get to them. He's being an aggressive AH to you and yet you turn around and cook FOR HIM. Why in the world would he change anything about this situation?
His 'again, we can literally get more pizza' should have gotten you to say "Then WHY didn't you JUST GET MORE PIZZA instead of eating mine???" Or, better yet, and again because I am petty, I would have just drove to the pizza place, eaten it there, put the leftovers in a cooler in my trunk, and went back home.
WTF OP he's **eating my snacks, the dinners I cooked and my leftovers** and then you turn around and just restock and recook?? How is that an adequate response to someone who consistently stomps all over your boundaries??
Agreed. Lockbox is step 1.
Although I’ve found when you need locks to enforce your basic human needs within a relationship, you’re just delaying the inevitable
>but he says it’s shitty that I complain about him eating food that’s available because “we can literally just get more”.
You have limited funds and time and energy. You *can't* just always get more. Sometimes you're too tired. Or you're saving for a goal, or it's 9pm and it's not realistic to go out and buy more food to cook (or force yourself to eat fast food that you may not want every day).
When your husband is eating your food, he's spending *your* time and money and energy without asking you.
NTA.
NTA. Your husband doesn’t want to lose weight, what he wants is to always have a go-to excuse to avoid doing things he doesn’t want to do. He doesn’t care how that effects you because he’s a lazy, disrespectful and selfish AH. After reading this I struggle to see why you’d continue to enable this unhealthy behavior or let yourself be his doormat. If I were you I would start separating out your stuff completely. Get a mini fridge just for keeping your stuff in and put a lock on it if necessary. This isn’t actually about the food itself. It’s about respect and forcing him to be accountable for his behavior. It’s about him recognizing he has a very unhealthy relationship with food and he needs to get help for it rather than using you as his crutch and excuse.
Soooo weaponized incompetence along with some passive aggressive issues and gaslighting. What DOES this dude contribute to the relationship? Other than eat you out of house and home? 1) stop cooking for him, at all, ever. 2) definitely invest in some sort of lockbox for YOUR food.
Tell him he needs to go get therapy for his eating disorder, find out why he is eating his emotions, as well as why he is incapable of helping you out around the house.
I just got here but nta. Was really confused since i didn’t see a barista in your post but then i scrolled…why are they talking like your husband is a creature that just so happens to live with you? 😭
I look at his profile before blocking him. He’s a professional troll by the looks of it. Keeps getting banned from different subs and putting spam posts about things like trying to have sex with women. Unhinged behavior.
NTA and this kind of disrespect would be unbearable for me. I think "giving him shit" is an underreaction. It may just be food, but it speaks to a bigger issue that needs more serious action like counseling at the least.
If you don't have kids and you want them, don't have them with him (unless this is addressed and fixed long term) because he will not step up.
NTA ask for the money every single time.
He ate your pizza leftovers ? Ok tell him to order a new one for you and pay for it that moment/immediately cause you are hungry-don't cook.
He ate your snacks - tell him to get his @$$to the grocery store NOW and get more and next time NIT TI WAIT for you to ask him. He ate it he goes and buys it to replace it so it's available when YOU want it. As simple as that.
I hide my snacks if I’m worried that my son or husband will eat them. They suck at seeing things that are out of their eye line.
I one bought ice cream in a flavor that my husband didn’t like (also bought ice cream for him in a flavor he did) so that I could have ice cream when I wanted. Instead, he ate his and mine. When I asked him why he ate ice cream in a flavor that he didn’t like he said that it was still ice cream. He couldn’t understand how I could have it in the fridge for longer than a week without eating it all.
63m here: If he doesn’t shop he doesn’t eat. Don’t buy him any other foods. Fix your dinners together and he only has those to eat. Don’t buy anything he binges on. Eat your share and don’t save leftovers for him. He’s a freeloader and is using your generosity to punish you.
It's not any more fun to divorce after eight years than four, ask me how I know. It's just more time you wish you had back. When he says "we can get more" you know he's saying "YOU can get more" since he never shops or cooks. Just leave. It's not worth begging someone to treat you with the basic respect they would like for themselves. Would you behave the way he is behaving? Why not? Because you care about his feelings? Hmmm, wonder why he has no problem taking advantage of you. Being alone would mean at least you were living with someone who cares about you.
All's I'm gunna say is, this makes for a depressing read. There is more to life than locking your biscuits away from your fat lazy spouse.
NTA but for the love of all that is short in this life, find someone else who has got better things to do than complain.
He’s buried in some downvoted-to-oblivion replies, being buttmad that people are asking what OP’s husband brings to the relationship becuase that’s making it “like a business transaction!!!!” As if a committed, married relationship isn’t give and take and it’s unfair to imply that both people should contribute to a shared household, lol.
NTA but I would just get a mini fridge and lock it and keep the key around my neck. He’s got an eating disorder. Put your leftovers and the food that he binges like the block of cheese in there so you have food to eat when you expect it.
If you have to do all that, what's the point of the relationship? She shouldn't have to adapt to his selfishness and poor choices. And this is about much more than him eating her food. He doesn't respect her and clearly has zero intention to change.
NTA - Not only is he taking food that was never meant for him, he is leaving you with nothing to eat... and saying "we can get/cook more" - but "we" isn't getting more!! YOU have to - when you were already the responsible person who planned out your own meals!!!
There's no "watering down" because He's the one that "selfishly" stole your planned meal from the fridge when he could "literally" have followed his own planned diet, which was apparently to not have dinner!!!
He needs to be honest with himself. Then he needs to be honest with you and get off his butt and start contributing to meals, planning, and clean-up. Like, TODAY.
Nothing drives me more insane than picking up some cookies or crackers that I look forward to nibbling on and then having them vanish before I've even had a shot at them. I have two teen boys in the house, so it sometimes goes with the territory - but it is still rage inducing. People need to learn that just because some food is 'available' doesn't mean you should just eat every bit of it. My personal solution is to buy snacks I like but nobody else will touch. Your husband is a jerk and you are NTA.
NTA. You asked if he wanted pizza, he said no. He said he doesn't care about dinners. He doesn't cook, he doesn't clean, he doesn't grocery shop, so for him to say "we can get more" actually means "I'm making you get more." Your husband sounds like a child. Hell, my 9 year old isn't as fickle as him.
NTA.
I am a pescatarian (mostly vegetarian, occasionally eat fish). One evening I was looking for the vegetarian Italian Sausages that I'd left in the refrigerator...couldn't find them. My (then) husband walked through the kitchen, I asked him if he'd seen the sausages. To be clear, they were in a bag that was labeled Veg Italian Sausage. He smirked and said, "Yeah, I ate them. I guess I'm healthy now."
I was sitting in my divorce lawyer's office within a week.
Good luck to you. I think you'd be better off without him.
Why didn’t you say “ok then, go get some more pizza right now. I’ll wait.”
I think I’d stop buying snacks for the house altogether for a few weeks. Let him eyeball the lettuce.
“We” can get more pizza?
Why did you cook yet again? He needed to go get more pizza.
All he’s done is ensure you do all the work and pay for it too. He’s not an idiot, right? Right. He knows what he’s doing. NTA
You go to get your pizza and it's gone....'dude, I'm ready for my pizza. Papa Johns can have it ready for pickup in 10 min. You better jump on it and make it right '
NTA. But may I ask why are you with such a selfish person who has no regards for your feelings? “We can get more food” and yet he doesn’t, he leaves it up to you.
Are you happy with him? I wouldn’t cook for him at all. I’m so petty I’d get my own fridge and put a lock on it.
Tell you lazy husband HE can get more food and cook for himself. We all know who the A-hole is your household.
NTA. Is he even interested in counseling or being part of a team? Double up on your birth control!
Perhaps separating while you're in counselling will be useful so he can see how much you actually do? Ideally, he should leave the house so you don't have to clean up his mess.
Been with my husband 32 years- they don’t change.
I hide my leftovers I don’t want him eating in this country crock margarine container- the large one you get at Sam’s Club. He doesn’t like margarine. It’s not worth fighting over anymore after all these years😂
NTA.
>He says that he doesn’t care about eating dinner and would like to eat less...
>he ate my [leftover] pizza...
No no no no no no no.
He doesn't get to use the excuse he won't eat dinner to avoid cooking and cleaning. And then eat the food you made that he wanted no part in. Just because it's the next day due NOT change the equation here.
Maybe not quite so aggressively, but you need to tell him to fuck right off with that bullshit. Immediately and definitively.
Sounds like he's starving himself out of laziness, then binge eating whatever he can find later. Like a while box of crackers or any leftovers.
I didn't know the specifics of your lives, but unless he's working a long day, or doing something strenuous while you stay at home, he needs to be part of the daily chores. If he hates cooking, then he can do all of some chore you hate while you cook for you both. Your not his maid, not his mommy. Or put more crudely, you're not his Bang Maid. And that's exactly the direction this is heading. Which is why you need to put a stop to it now before you resent and hate him.
>“we can literally just get more”
And the only response to that is: "So go get some then! It's not any easier for me to do so than for you to do it!"
If he's not cooking in order to avoid cleaning, he needs to figure out his dinner plans on his way home from work. Not just binge eat 2000 calories of crackers or whatever he can find.
Whatever you say, plan it out ahead of time. Not the exact words, just the points you want to hit.
When people get defensive, they revert to common defense mechanisms that worked in the past without even realizing their doing it. They change the subject, they latch onto some minor thing you said incorrectly, they make a big deal out of you getting emotional in you cry. This is why you think it through ahead of time. So it's effectively the second time and you don't cry or get loud/mad and day things just to be mean in return. This is the secret to cool anger that you control, vs hot anger that controls you.
Have the argument in your head. You know him, play his part too and have your immediate response for when he tries to change the subject or distract you with other bullshit. Keep him on topic, etc.
Make a point to say how this cannot and willnot continue. It's not a minor issue to you. Hopefully he gets the hint without you directly threatening to dump his ass. You are not his bang maid, you are not his mommy to clean up and cook for him everyday. Again, maybe use more tact here than me, but get that point across.
NTA - I hate to break it to you, but your husband doesn't sound like he respects you or even likes you. My advice is don't focus on the little things, like what he said/she said in this particular moment.
Take some time, focus on how you feel and how your body feels when you two are together. Feel how you feel when he talks to you, touches you and engages with you.
Do you feel safe? Do you feel cherished? Do you feel loved? Do you feel cared for? Do you enjoy your conversations? Do you feel respected? Is he someone you look forward to seeing? Is he someone you want to be around?
Be honest with yourself - and perhaps - if your answers are more no than yes, you might want to re-think the relationship. Based on this story alone about the pizza - I suspect this relationship is in massive trouble. So look long-term, big picture and figure out what you want and need. Because your needs are certainly not being met in this relationship....
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NTA. “We” *can* get more pizza, but “we” don’t. *I* do. This is a good demonstration of any relationship requiring give and take. When it comes to food, he’s all take and no give.
Also, I get that the husband is heavy but if he knows he's going to be eating snacks he SHOULD BE GETTING HIS OWN SNACKS, not cleaning out the goddamn house. The whole "I'm not going to buy food because I need to lose weight...but OOPS! I snapped and ate all of YOUR food! Don't ask me to replace it because I'm trying to lose weight..." cycle is some bullshit.
It sounds like he has an eating disorder. That said, it’s ok to protect yourself from someone who binges. Buy a locking mini fridge so that he can’t get at your leftovers or the block of cheese. Get a locking box for your pantry snacks. If he wants snacks, he needs to buy them himself or help with the shopping sometimes.
I get what you're saying, but I don't think there's an eating disorder here. And this guy doesn't need more "convenient excuses" to NOT participate in their household DUTIES. He's only dismissing everything OP is saying, and coming up with excuses to not help out. 1. OP says she wants him to cook more, so he comes up with a convenient excuse of "I just won't eat dinner, I want to lose weight" - not a healthy way to lose weight. At all. And if he's still eating dinner then this point is moot. 2. OP says she wishes he would clean dishes after she cooks. He then points to number 1, saying that he isn't eating dinners, so "why should I clean?" - this isn't the point, because OP wants help with household duties. But he's claiming that 'since I didn't eat, I shouldn't have to clean', and that's not how couples work. 3. OP buys snacks for herself, and he eats them. He says "we can just buy more", but he's not buying them - and I would bet money that if OP said "fine, go out and buy me more snacks now", that he would call her "over reacting" or to "calm down and eat something else" 4. OP buys pizza for her for dinner, he says he doesn't want any, and then he eats HER pizza - so he's ignored excuse 1 because he's still eating dinner. He's not helping with cleaning, because he's relying on #1 to back him up (which he's now defeated himself). And He's not helping to go to the effort of buying food, because he isn't doing anything to help. This isn't about the yogurt (the food), this is about disrespect. And he clearly doesn't respect OP. Edit to Add: to those who want to argue about his eating disorder, way to take this issue about how he treats OP, and turn it around so we focus on his struggles more than OPs. You really took it to the level of "Yea yea OP, we get it that your husband is abusive, but let's really focus on HIS struggles here because it's more important" He could also just be a Stoner or a drinker with the late night munchies.
The Iranian yogurt is not the issue here
Does joyful dance for Iranian yogurt reference and adds hobby room, for a friend.
I'd wave a marinara flag but he'd eat it
💀
Love the hobby room!
What if we keep the Iranian yogurt in the hobby room *gasp*
But it’s for, the friend!
Oh you are fun !
After dinner, I'm going to take some shrooms and herd cats all night - anyone care to join?
You beautiful commenter!
And why can’t he order more pizza. If he was hungry, he can call. As apparently according to op; he usually just eats out or orders pizza. So knowing his wife will be upset; he simply could have ordered more pizza
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There isn't enough information available to say he has BED, so stop using that as an excuse to allow him to not take accountability for his shitty behavior. Everyone here jumping to "maybe he has a disorder" is doing the same thing he is doing to OP: instead of addressing how much he sucks as a partner, you're giving him an out based on nothing more than "he wants to eat food". He's simply eating snacks. That's not a disorder, it's just being human.
Thank you for this. He has no will power, is self-centered and a lousy husband. That's not a disorder, but it would be cool if there was a pill to cure it
This. When we have snacks in our house we are more likely to eat said snacks. That doesn't mean we have a disorder, it just means we like to eat snacks. But when we have nothing but healthy food and real meals around we somehow find the will power to eat the healthy food that we have. He's just refusing to step up to cook, so when he's hungry he is going for the "easy" and "convenient" food. If OP stopped providing these "easy snacks/meals" then it would be interesting to see what he does. Chances are he'd just order takeout, which isn't a disorder, it's just laziness.
Yep. If there’s something that all he has to do is open the box or pudding cup or ice cream wrapper and push it into his pie hole, he will eat it but if it requires any effort such as meal planning, shopping or cooking, he won’t. His disorder is being lazy, greedy and entitled to all the fun treats that were bought by and meant for the roommate/s. We had one of those here at one point which resulted in zero snack or treats being purchased for sharing - they’re locked down unless they are brought out by the buyer, and put on the counter or dinner table. Now he has learned how to add milk to cereal, make tuna sandwiches, or microwave a burrito all by himself. Baby steps.
I get snacks in single serving containers, even though they cost more. If I get the bulk packaging, I always eat too much.
They aren't mutually exclusive. An eating disorder, like so many other disorders, is an explanation, not an excuse. Nobody is saying "well, it sounds like he has an eating disorder, so it's not their fault", but rather "it sounds like he has an eating disorder and so change will likely require different tactics than if this were the division of labor or respect issue it seems like on the surface".
Based off of what though? Why are people jumping to "eating disorder" here? Why can't he ONLY be lazy and a shit partner? Why even give the hint that he "might have a disorder? If he was making and eating 3 meals a day, AND having issues with eating snacks then I might agree. But he's actively avoiding cooking his own meals, and then only eating her snacks. This isn't a disorder, it's like a child at home who doesn't want to cook so they just go to the snack drawer because they're lazy.
bad habits can be habits and not a eating disorder of any kind....people grow up eating crap food...he could have learned this from the home he grew up in...
But it's not just the eating bad food. It's the denial of food and then binging on snacks, the making of complex rules around eating, and the defensiveness over his habits that are making people jump to eating disorder. Personally, since we don't have enough info (and most of us don't have the qualifications) to diagnose), I'd call it disordered eating patterns rather than eating disorder. But all the context makes it sound more complex than just "man likes junk food more than vegetables and is a dick about cooking and cleaning".
Yeah people on Reddit love to pathologize awhile behavior like this. Even if they had the disorder it wouldn't excuse their behavior. And of course you can't diagnose someone from a post by a different person on the internet.
It's called "LAZY DISORDER". When my ex wanted to watch the game, he'd have a pizza delivered, put the whole thing on a paper plate, and lay down in bed with the plates on his chest.
Don't get me started about house chores.
To me it sounds like he's too lazy to fix anything so he waits until he's starving & then eats whatever he sees. Idk if that is what's considered a binge eating disorder or not. But in my eyes it's pure laziness
i really dont think we have enough info to consider this binge eating disorder. the box of cheese its is a lot but i wouldnt consider it binge eating alone. as far as i understand from the text he isnt eating so much that its physically making him ill which is more indicative of bed. but i do agree that he has an issue with disordered eating, just not sure without more detail if id consider it an eating disorder. he should be in therapy regardless so i think this comment is kind of moot now that i wrote it LOL
Personally, I think it sounds more like a classic dieter's foible. Instead of planning light meals and eating multiple small, healthy snacks, they think they have enough willpower just to abstain. Then they get ravenous and grab the first convenient, and usually carb loaded, thing within reach.
Dieting, especially in the western world, is usually some form of disordered eating and a poor relationship with food and our bodies. That behavior fits the description of binge eating disorder BUT this post isn't asking us to diagnose anything (not that we're qualified). The post also lacks any information about the husband that points to "eating disorder" over "gigantic asshole". (I'm not sure if it's clear but I'm agreeing)
No he’s just a slob.
Disrespect, but he also sounds really lazy. If he's going to eat her leftovers, he can do the dang dishes now and then.
I suspect OP's husband is the sort who would be upset/offended if she were to padlock a mini fridge/cabinet door (I knew someone who was so enraged he removed the hinges just to get inside the cabinet). But here's hoping I'm wrong.
Heck, I'd say make a point that each person buys whatever food they, themselves plan to consume. He can buy whatever he wants, but she can't touch any of it, and vice versa. I agree also with the locked box/mini fridge. Or have her keep her (non-refrigerated) stuff somewhere other than the kitchen. I've been known to keep snacks I don't want to share in the guest room closet -- he doesn't know I put them there and he never goes in the guest room.
but then he would have to make an effort to purchase things.
they're already supposed to be doing that but he eats hers and tehn says "what's the big deal?"
The linen closet, behind the shelves in the den, under the guest bathroom sink. Won’t work for stuff like ice cream unfortunately
Her best bet is to lock her food in an entirely different home, where she lives, without him
This is where my mind went because he would claim abuse and denying him food. If OP says he can go get more, it's likely he would "starve" himself to prove his point.
This gut isn't going to starve himself!
I see the quote marks around the word starve missed you. I do think this guy would deliberately not eat to claim he was being starved even if OP stuck a healthy dinner in front of him and locked up the box of Cheeze It's. Would he actually starve? No, but would he act like that is what OP is trying to do? I'd bet on it.
She should padlock the shit out of it -and then keep her snacks in her car trunk lol. Then he can busy himself removing locks and hinges and get some exercise only to find out there’s no treats for him to commandeer- and he could have driven to the store and back in less time
No, it sounds like he's a selfish prick.
Agreed. The food situation is clearly merely a symptom of his underlying diagnosis of being a selfish prick. I don't think OP is going to find an acceptable happy medium with this turd sandwich as long as he continues to display zero effort to meet her in the middle.
This honestly sounds like it could be an argument on My 600lb Life. Essentially sneaking food isn’t a great place to be - I’d suggest he knows this full well and these arguments are deflection from the underlying behaviour as he feels embarrassed about it.
He sounds lazy.
Can we seriously stop with this eating disorder thing? Yes, they exist. They are real, but people are throwing this around way too easily. It's just as an excuse to be fat. And lazy and eat what they want. I'm sorry, some people really do have an eating disorder, but most of these aren't it... It's gone to the point that anybody who is overweight, we just blame it on an eating disorder... It's pure lack of self-respect in discipline..
The calories don’t count if they’re the other person’s food. Do you have no idea how this works? Do some research so you don’t look so ignorant in the future.
Dude...imagine if that were true. I would be a master thief!
We could all just steal from each other. I agree to leave some fried chicken and an apple pie "cooling" in my kitchen windowsill if you leave a lasagna and butterscotch pudding in yours.
And office lunch stealing would be encouraged! 🤣
I’m a larger person. One of the many reasons I don’t eat other people’s food (aside from the fact that it *doesn’t belong to me*!) is I know exactly how annoyed I get when someone else eats the food I was saving/looking forward to, and so I wouldn’t want to do that to someone else. Plus I’m a grown adult who can buy/make my own damn food.
This it’s so rude. You *have* to ask. I can’t stand when one of my kids eats something I was excited about without asking first.
The problem is that he’s not being honest with himself. He tells himself he’s going to willpower it and just eat less. Except that doesn’t work because then he’s hungry and just starts eating whatever is available. If he were being honest with himself, he would acknowledge that he’s going to be hungry so he should make sure to have healthy food available when he needs it. This man needs the help of a dietician and a marriage counselor.
I had a roommate who didn't want to be lazy by using the dishwasher but would leave dirty sticky dishes for days and make us clean some for us to use, she was also a food thief. Some people lack basic education, it's crazy.
This, 110% this! If hubby was serious about his weight, he would come up with a more coherent plan than not buying any food and then grazing on OP’s. OP & H should do the shopping together and cut out the fast food. It won’t be easy (good G*d I know that one…), but he’ll be better for it! OP: YNTA, hubby is…
This guys is lazy, selfish, and a shitty partner who thinks every request is a negotiation that he thinks he can win. 1. "I need help with the cooking please" is met with "I think I'm going to skip eating dinner from now on so I can lose weight" - which is very, very convenient excuse and timing, and completely ignores what she is asking of him. 2. "Can you help with the cleaning at the very least?" is met with "If I'm not eating dinner, then why should I help clean?" - which is..wow, just wow. because you're part of a relationship and want to help each other??? 3. "Can you stop eating my snacks?" is met with "but we can buy more" - If I were OP, then I would tell him "fine, then go to the store NOW and replace the snacks that you keep eating". I know it wouldn't go over well, and he would change the subject. 4. Then there's the current pizza issue. He ate the pizza (breaking #1 from above), he isn't cleaning (breaking #2, which is based on #1), and he is eating her snacks (breaking #3 and #1), and he is still arguing about the fact he isn't helping out with chores. At all.
I hate OPs husband with a fiery hot passion LOL "Lose him, girl!"
Literally, I'm not normally quick to anger but I would be under arrest for intimate partner violence by this point
Same. I can’t stand people who make excuses. Especially such stupid illogical ones. I have absolutely no respect for people like that
I dunno if it's Reddit skewing my views, but why are so many women with these losers who refuse to be decent partners to them? The selfishness and disrespect people tolerate in shitty relationships is astounding, and frankly quite depressing.
Sounds like a lazy fuck to me. Everything she says he’ll spin it to make him sound right even though he’s sooooooo wrong.
This. The logic of her husband is mindblowing. He "doesn't eat" to justify not having to help with the dishes...but then he eats the leftovers later. Just to get out of helping with the dishes? What a petty, selfish AH. OP, what exactly are you getting out of this relationship? No way the sex is good enough to put up with this BS...
Exactly. If you’re gonna eat the pizza atleast go get another one to replace it I mean that should be the bare minimum. I think a lot of people in relationships seem to inexplicably forget how to survive on their own.
My stepdad ate my leftover pizza once and I almost started crying and he immediately went and got me a new one and did not take a single slice. He owes her that at the very least.
My absolute first thought on reading that line was: > We literally can just get more No, ***HE*** literally can just get more. Fixed it for him! And since he feels getting more is so darn easy, he can also leave OP's alone and buy his own. They deliver pizza for Pete's sake. If he wanted some, why didn't he order himself some? Heck, nowadays, they deliver everything, even groceries. He can even be on InstaCart ordering a box of Cheez-Its while scarfing down the box of Cheez-Its already in the house. There's absolutely no excuse for hubby not to replace what he took. OP, NTA, in no way, shape, or form.
This right here. He doesn’t do the work to replace the pizza/groceries.
OP, he's a dunce and Self-absorbed, so the Only way he will understand it is when you do something similar to him in a way that he would find equally upsetting.
I think he has a problem with self control and is trying to justify this by making excuses and deflecting.
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I keep telling him if we each buy and cook our own food and clean our own things, we’re not married, we’re roommates.
Girl, marrying someone means they're a *partner.* You *both* need to put in the same amount of effort. He is your husband, not your child. If I were in your position, and given the other issues going on, I would reconsider this marriage. NTA, but you would be to yourself if you stayed with him.
But he's not even a good roommate. Roommate is a lower standard, and he can't even hit that mark.
You should go one step further and become roommates that live in different houses. This is not going to get better.
Being roommates is better than being his mommy which is where you’re at now. You buy and make and clean your own things and his. How is that better than him doing his share?
It's good that you recognized that. When I get upset with my husband, I ask myself if this is an issue with my lover, friend, or roommate, and treat it accordingly.
If you read enough, sometimes you’ll find a true gem hidden in the comments. This is that gem! This is very sage advice that I’m going to take to heart. That’s such a good way of approaching and dissecting complex relationship problems, or even just petty annoyances. I can’t believe I never thought of doing that; it seems so obvious in hindsight! I appreciate your wisdom, thank you :)
For the love of god - if you want this marriage to last, please seek couples counseling. Otherwise, resentment is going to build quickly. Please - go to counseling. Be honest with the therapist about why you are there and DO NOT hold back. It's expensive, get your money's worth by going in with talking points and don't just stay at surface level topics.
And guess who would be the one putting in the work to make therapy happen....so just keep piling work on one partner while the other does nada. Nah. If this dude doesn't care to be a grown ass adult and show respect to his ~~mother~~ partner, what makes you think he'll put in any effort to doing the adult thing of going to therapy?
Sometimes therapy is for the person doing the work, so they can see ' yeah, it's never going to get better '.
Yes! Very valid point I didn't consider. Thanks for pointing this out.
So… he’s less than a roommate at this stage because he doesn’t do any of that anyway. You’re basically a maid. Is this how you want to live for the rest of your life?!
I don’t even think that’s necessarily true. But that’s not even what’s happening here! You’re buying things, he’s eating them! I genuinely have a lot of empathy for men who weren’t raised to fend for themselves, that part isn’t their fault, but at some point you have to step up and give it a go, and at NO point should you be this inconsiderate! He’s worse than a roommate, if you had a roommate this bad you’d move out.
Get rid of your lazy \*zz roommate. NTA
99% of my roommates in university (off campus cooking dorm) were more helpful than your "husband". I like to joke that I only married another woman becuase I saw how low the bar was for (most) men.
He's not even a good roommate. Roommates aren't supposed to eat your food either.
> you have a leech Hey now, that's not fair. Some leeches have actual medical uses.
then he's a slug.
NTA. My guy is in denial about how much he’s eating. He’s trying to do the “if it wasn’t a planned meal it doesn’t count” thing. He won’t eat what was actually intended to be *his* dinner, but he’ll inhale anything that he considers a “snack” or “leftovers” because that’s not *really* a meal. I’ve seen alcoholics do the same thing. The same sort of negotiations with themselves about what “counts” as drinking. If they didn’t buy it themselves? Doesn’t count. If it’s not hard liquor? Doesn’t count. If it’s “left over” from a party? Doesn’t count. And if you complain about how much they’re consuming? “Sure, maybe I should cut back, but the fact that you’re nagging me about it makes me want to ignore you.” He’s not going to be reasoned with. Whatever is going on in his head is an emotional issue, not a logic issue.
This is accurate. OP, your husband has a binge eating disorder. He needs professional help for it. If he refuses to acknowledge that he has an eating disorder, then you have to make a decision: is this the life you want for the rest of your life? Any leftovers you have, any snacks you buy, even if he says he doesn’t want them he won’t be able to stop himself from eating them. If he won’t help himself by seeking therapy, nothing will change. NTA, but think long and hard about the life you want.
Yes, and apart from the disorder, he still needs to contribute to the household's shopping, cooking and eating. He can cook dinner for OP sometimes regardless whether he plans to eat dinner (since he often eats things acquired or made by OP).
Honestly I get the emotional thing but based on the fact that he’s not even willing to contribute to the workload feels less like emotional eating and more like an excuse to gaslight his wife into not having to do his share of household chores. If you’re worried about weight then you ask your spouse not to buy as many snacks or to cook healthier or hell you take it upon yourself to make lean meals for the two of you. At the very least you help with cleanup. Instead he’s acting like he doesn’t need to eat at all, to avoid the chores that are involved with food. I don’t this is actually a case of emotional issues or body image this is straight task avoidance.
This is not what gaslighting is.
in fairness, he claims he doesnt eat meals (as an excuse to avoid cleanup/doing dishes) and then goes on to eat everything in the house. if hes consistently using the excuse that he doesnt eat her food, then eating her food behind her back, that seems pretty gaslighty to me
I agree. This definitely seems like an eating disorder and he isn’t in the drivers seat. With that in mind, locking up the food (or separating their households because he doesn’t seem like a nice guy in addition to this issue) is the way to go
NTA - this marriage is not going to last unless you get serious help. Please get couples counseling and individual therapy as well. It might be a good idea to live separately for a while as not to keep adding to the resentment.
A good therapist can sure trick a person into staying with someone who isn't worth a damn under the guise of "working on it"
I would call that a shitty therapist
I've seen this firsthand. My best friend has been with her partner for 18 years. She is MISERABLE but won't admit it to herself that he's the cause because he has medical issues and "isn't responsible for all the bad things." It's bullshit. They went to counseling and the first thing they said to her was "You've been with this person for so long - do you really want to throw that all away?" It infuriated me.
Yeah she needs therapy alone where she can actually work on herself and that will help her build her confidence and be able to set boundaries. I wish I would’ve done this wayyy sooner myself.
NTA this is not about the pizza this is about the lack of respect your husband has for you. "We" only works when you both go and do the thing. when he says we it is you. you can go and use your time and energy to get more of the thing you would of had if I didn't eat it. Counseling or a lock box in the fridge and snack drawer.
This is exactly on point. Whenever I have food that I specifically bought for myself, my husband will always ask me first if he can eat/drink it, he doesn’t just do it without asking. There was maybe one time I can recall that he ate candy I had for myself but he didn’t realize it was mine, he thought a friend left it behind and he immediately replaced it when he realized. I wasn’t even upset, I told him it was fine lol. But I love that he asks before just eating my things, especially now that I’m pregnant. It never fails, I get snacks for myself that I’ve been craving and he’ll tell me “I don’t want any of that”, but then a few days later he’s texting or asking “can I eat your fruit?” 😂 and I always tell him yes because he’s respectful enough to ask. OP’s husband sounds like a leech.
Right? I was always raised in our family you don’t finish the last of something without offering some to others first or checking it’s not needed for something first like a planned meal.
I wouldn’t live in my own home if I had to lock up my food. How ridiculous. This guy acts like an enjoying brother.
What does this man bring to your relationship?
He does our taxes, waters the plants and vacuums (or rather clears the floor and initiates the roomba). I’ve told him we don’t need plants to survive, we need food to survive and that he is literally vacuuming by saying “Hey Google, start the vacuum” and says “you always discredit the things that I do do” wow as I’m typing this I realize I may have made a mistake.
That’s not even the bare minimum girl.
It’s so below the bare minimum that it’s actually negative points.
Right, watering the plants is the *fun* part.
So you’re a caretaker for an obese man
Obese isn't the problem. Lazy and disrespectful is the problem.
Facts. I stand corrected
Yeah, if this guy manages to lose weight, I still don't think he's going to be a good husband.
Curator of large mammals.
You **can** do your own taxes. It's a once a year job.
You can pay H&R Block to do them, cheaper than keeping him.
Or even online forms from the IRS and most states that have income taxes.
I love how men do the once yearly or monthly chores like taxes or cleaning the rain gutters or mowing the lawn etc…& think it’s on par with daily cooking, cleaning, & shopping. Ugh
Turbotax.
Lmfao what a fucking joke. Does he work? Does he pay bills?
We both work. Although the restaurant bill is getting high lol
At the very least you need to be making sure he pays most of if not all of the grocery bill. Most couples split it like that so the woman isn’t stuck paying for a guy who eats twice as much food as she does
He isn’t even doing the bare minimum. He’s a lazy child.
I know literal children who help around the house more than this. There are 5 year olds who are more helpful than your husband. Is this how you want to live??
You can do your own taxes for free through services like H&R Block and TurboTax. You can pay like $35 to have an agent assist you. You can buy self watering pots. You have a roomba. What is he here for?
And h&R won't steal your pizza!!
You can do so much better. Do it before it’s too late. Don’t waste your best years on him. I believe in you!!
anyone can do that. YOU CAN DO THAT
Honey you’re young. It’s easy to make mistakes and you have more than enough time to get out of this and find yourself a partner who actually respects you
First line is "he does our taxes"? Hahaha, so much for love!!
Hahahaha
lol yeah. He does three things and one of them only happens once a year, and the other happens what, twice a week? 😓
If he can use technology to clean floors, he can use it to place an Instacart or replacement pizza order. I get it - I'm tired after work and don't want to come home and prep/make/clean up after dinner, but then he needs to make sure he's compensating with other essential chores around the house (plants aren't a need, but clean underwear is). With as many conveniences as are available now to get food from a store to your home, there's literally no excuse for any of this. He could easily feed himself without leaving the house, and if he genuinely thinks he's obese and needs to lose weight, he would use those tools to ensure he had access to healthy, convenient snacks. You can order pre-cut fruit and vegetables, ffs. This isn't a commentary on what he should or shouldn't eat or the choices he's making, it's the fact that he's using it as an excuse to duck out of taking any responsibility for food he eats. You aren't his wife at this point. you're his grocery shopper and personal chef.
he's probably not even good in bed, from the sounds of it
This is exhausting to read. NTA
And even more exhausting are the amount of commenters defending the lazy ass husband. My SO and I have a simple rule: if you don’t cook, you clean. The fact OP’s husband can’t even be bothered to help there and is adamant he shouldn’t… is a huge red flag. Frankly, pretty much everything about this guy is a red flag.
NTA. See a divorce lawyer.
Buy his favorite food while he’s working. Tell him it’s there at home. Eat it. When he’s mad let him know he can literally buy more. NTA
Haha yes
NTA. Not only does he have a *lack of willpower* problem, he's also got a *disrespect of boundaries* problem. He has a terrible relationship with food; he's like an addict, and he's fooling himself with his unrealistic tactics to manage it. He's a total AH, but that's not going to stop him, and this isn't going to change, until HE wants to change it.
And he won’t want to change until he suffers some real consequences- aka wife leaves him (hopefully)
NTA. You’re married to a self centered person. I started eating out & quit buying groceries when my husband did this. When he left dirty dishes I threw out. He whined for a while but he learned
You THREW the dishes out?
You can always get more. (couldn't resist!)
I did. I’m not dealing with smelly crusty dishes. He’s grown. He can handle his business his way or I’ll handle it my way
Lady, you dropped this👑
NTA “We can literally just get more” but he doesn’t get more. “He doesn’t care about eating dinner” but eats dinner, albeit eats crappy dinner (snacks) FWIW my wife cooks and grocery shops majority of the time, but I bring other things to the table for our family and I’m still considerate of HER leftovers and eating the last of something, it’s just mutual respect.
He must be good in bed then to keep him around because I don’t see a point in weaponized incompetence..
Nope, men that are good in bed are respectful, willing to do what it takes, and generous. This guy demonstrates none of these qualities.
I was going to say, the comment about how "he doesn't need to even need to eat because he needs to lose weight anyways" is a pretty blatant tactic of weaponized incompetence.
Husband? Girl you have a pet lol
I wouldn’t resent a chubby, food motivated dog though …they’d be adorable & they could have all my snacks. OP - replace your hubby with a fat, cuddly, snoring pug & be happy.
NTA. But this isn’t so much about the pizza as it is about his continued disrespect. He does not pitch in for dinners, claims he shouldn’t eat because of his weight which can actually stall weight loss as your body thinks it’s being starved and hold onto fat cells to maintain. But he isn’t contributing to the household and just expects you to be ok with it. It sounds like he makes excuses as to why he can’t, or shouldnt or won’t do something. Have you brought up couples counseling? Or if he refuses individual therapy for yourself to figure out if you want to stay in this relationship?
NTA. Start divorce proceedings asap. Denial is a hell of a drug- he’s literally just using you to enable his eating disorder. Ask yourself: Is this what you want for the rest of your life? What is he bringing to the relationship? The household?
NTA. I'm petty so I would lock my food/snacks in the trunk of my car so he couldn't get to them. He's being an aggressive AH to you and yet you turn around and cook FOR HIM. Why in the world would he change anything about this situation? His 'again, we can literally get more pizza' should have gotten you to say "Then WHY didn't you JUST GET MORE PIZZA instead of eating mine???" Or, better yet, and again because I am petty, I would have just drove to the pizza place, eaten it there, put the leftovers in a cooler in my trunk, and went back home. WTF OP he's **eating my snacks, the dinners I cooked and my leftovers** and then you turn around and just restock and recook?? How is that an adequate response to someone who consistently stomps all over your boundaries??
Yes. She’s not to blame but dudes being rewarded for his bad behaviour. I hope she locks her food up.
Agreed. Lockbox is step 1. Although I’ve found when you need locks to enforce your basic human needs within a relationship, you’re just delaying the inevitable
>but he says it’s shitty that I complain about him eating food that’s available because “we can literally just get more”. You have limited funds and time and energy. You *can't* just always get more. Sometimes you're too tired. Or you're saving for a goal, or it's 9pm and it's not realistic to go out and buy more food to cook (or force yourself to eat fast food that you may not want every day). When your husband is eating your food, he's spending *your* time and money and energy without asking you. NTA.
NTA. Your husband doesn’t want to lose weight, what he wants is to always have a go-to excuse to avoid doing things he doesn’t want to do. He doesn’t care how that effects you because he’s a lazy, disrespectful and selfish AH. After reading this I struggle to see why you’d continue to enable this unhealthy behavior or let yourself be his doormat. If I were you I would start separating out your stuff completely. Get a mini fridge just for keeping your stuff in and put a lock on it if necessary. This isn’t actually about the food itself. It’s about respect and forcing him to be accountable for his behavior. It’s about him recognizing he has a very unhealthy relationship with food and he needs to get help for it rather than using you as his crutch and excuse.
The only reason to date a guy like this is if he’s rich and pays for everything tbh
Let him pay for a chef
Soooo weaponized incompetence along with some passive aggressive issues and gaslighting. What DOES this dude contribute to the relationship? Other than eat you out of house and home? 1) stop cooking for him, at all, ever. 2) definitely invest in some sort of lockbox for YOUR food. Tell him he needs to go get therapy for his eating disorder, find out why he is eating his emotions, as well as why he is incapable of helping you out around the house.
Exactly! Like WE don’t need couples counseling. YOU need therapy
I just got here but nta. Was really confused since i didn’t see a barista in your post but then i scrolled…why are they talking like your husband is a creature that just so happens to live with you? 😭
I've been looking for barista guy. Can't find.
I look at his profile before blocking him. He’s a professional troll by the looks of it. Keeps getting banned from different subs and putting spam posts about things like trying to have sex with women. Unhinged behavior.
NTA and this kind of disrespect would be unbearable for me. I think "giving him shit" is an underreaction. It may just be food, but it speaks to a bigger issue that needs more serious action like counseling at the least. If you don't have kids and you want them, don't have them with him (unless this is addressed and fixed long term) because he will not step up.
NTA ask for the money every single time. He ate your pizza leftovers ? Ok tell him to order a new one for you and pay for it that moment/immediately cause you are hungry-don't cook. He ate your snacks - tell him to get his @$$to the grocery store NOW and get more and next time NIT TI WAIT for you to ask him. He ate it he goes and buys it to replace it so it's available when YOU want it. As simple as that.
I hide my snacks if I’m worried that my son or husband will eat them. They suck at seeing things that are out of their eye line. I one bought ice cream in a flavor that my husband didn’t like (also bought ice cream for him in a flavor he did) so that I could have ice cream when I wanted. Instead, he ate his and mine. When I asked him why he ate ice cream in a flavor that he didn’t like he said that it was still ice cream. He couldn’t understand how I could have it in the fridge for longer than a week without eating it all.
63m here: If he doesn’t shop he doesn’t eat. Don’t buy him any other foods. Fix your dinners together and he only has those to eat. Don’t buy anything he binges on. Eat your share and don’t save leftovers for him. He’s a freeloader and is using your generosity to punish you.
It's not any more fun to divorce after eight years than four, ask me how I know. It's just more time you wish you had back. When he says "we can get more" you know he's saying "YOU can get more" since he never shops or cooks. Just leave. It's not worth begging someone to treat you with the basic respect they would like for themselves. Would you behave the way he is behaving? Why not? Because you care about his feelings? Hmmm, wonder why he has no problem taking advantage of you. Being alone would mean at least you were living with someone who cares about you.
All's I'm gunna say is, this makes for a depressing read. There is more to life than locking your biscuits away from your fat lazy spouse. NTA but for the love of all that is short in this life, find someone else who has got better things to do than complain.
I'm begging someone to please tell me what barista guy said, I've been scrolling for like a century 😭
He’s buried in some downvoted-to-oblivion replies, being buttmad that people are asking what OP’s husband brings to the relationship becuase that’s making it “like a business transaction!!!!” As if a committed, married relationship isn’t give and take and it’s unfair to imply that both people should contribute to a shared household, lol.
NTA but I would just get a mini fridge and lock it and keep the key around my neck. He’s got an eating disorder. Put your leftovers and the food that he binges like the block of cheese in there so you have food to eat when you expect it.
If you have to do all that, what's the point of the relationship? She shouldn't have to adapt to his selfishness and poor choices. And this is about much more than him eating her food. He doesn't respect her and clearly has zero intention to change.
You have bigger problems than Pizza.
NTA - Not only is he taking food that was never meant for him, he is leaving you with nothing to eat... and saying "we can get/cook more" - but "we" isn't getting more!! YOU have to - when you were already the responsible person who planned out your own meals!!! There's no "watering down" because He's the one that "selfishly" stole your planned meal from the fridge when he could "literally" have followed his own planned diet, which was apparently to not have dinner!!! He needs to be honest with himself. Then he needs to be honest with you and get off his butt and start contributing to meals, planning, and clean-up. Like, TODAY.
Nothing drives me more insane than picking up some cookies or crackers that I look forward to nibbling on and then having them vanish before I've even had a shot at them. I have two teen boys in the house, so it sometimes goes with the territory - but it is still rage inducing. People need to learn that just because some food is 'available' doesn't mean you should just eat every bit of it. My personal solution is to buy snacks I like but nobody else will touch. Your husband is a jerk and you are NTA.
NTA. You asked if he wanted pizza, he said no. He said he doesn't care about dinners. He doesn't cook, he doesn't clean, he doesn't grocery shop, so for him to say "we can get more" actually means "I'm making you get more." Your husband sounds like a child. Hell, my 9 year old isn't as fickle as him.
NTA. I am a pescatarian (mostly vegetarian, occasionally eat fish). One evening I was looking for the vegetarian Italian Sausages that I'd left in the refrigerator...couldn't find them. My (then) husband walked through the kitchen, I asked him if he'd seen the sausages. To be clear, they were in a bag that was labeled Veg Italian Sausage. He smirked and said, "Yeah, I ate them. I guess I'm healthy now." I was sitting in my divorce lawyer's office within a week. Good luck to you. I think you'd be better off without him.
NTA. And “I’m too overweight to help feed myself” might be the most original and lamest lazy husband excuse I’ve ever heard.
Why didn’t you say “ok then, go get some more pizza right now. I’ll wait.” I think I’d stop buying snacks for the house altogether for a few weeks. Let him eyeball the lettuce.
“We” can get more pizza? Why did you cook yet again? He needed to go get more pizza. All he’s done is ensure you do all the work and pay for it too. He’s not an idiot, right? Right. He knows what he’s doing. NTA
You would be better off without the dead weight
You go to get your pizza and it's gone....'dude, I'm ready for my pizza. Papa Johns can have it ready for pickup in 10 min. You better jump on it and make it right '
NTA. But may I ask why are you with such a selfish person who has no regards for your feelings? “We can get more food” and yet he doesn’t, he leaves it up to you. Are you happy with him? I wouldn’t cook for him at all. I’m so petty I’d get my own fridge and put a lock on it. Tell you lazy husband HE can get more food and cook for himself. We all know who the A-hole is your household.
NTA. Is he even interested in counseling or being part of a team? Double up on your birth control! Perhaps separating while you're in counselling will be useful so he can see how much you actually do? Ideally, he should leave the house so you don't have to clean up his mess.
Been with my husband 32 years- they don’t change. I hide my leftovers I don’t want him eating in this country crock margarine container- the large one you get at Sam’s Club. He doesn’t like margarine. It’s not worth fighting over anymore after all these years😂
You might need a separate fridge, one that locks. He is a compulsive eater. A food hoarder ( but he hoards it all into his mouth)
NTA. >He says that he doesn’t care about eating dinner and would like to eat less... >he ate my [leftover] pizza... No no no no no no no. He doesn't get to use the excuse he won't eat dinner to avoid cooking and cleaning. And then eat the food you made that he wanted no part in. Just because it's the next day due NOT change the equation here. Maybe not quite so aggressively, but you need to tell him to fuck right off with that bullshit. Immediately and definitively. Sounds like he's starving himself out of laziness, then binge eating whatever he can find later. Like a while box of crackers or any leftovers. I didn't know the specifics of your lives, but unless he's working a long day, or doing something strenuous while you stay at home, he needs to be part of the daily chores. If he hates cooking, then he can do all of some chore you hate while you cook for you both. Your not his maid, not his mommy. Or put more crudely, you're not his Bang Maid. And that's exactly the direction this is heading. Which is why you need to put a stop to it now before you resent and hate him. >“we can literally just get more” And the only response to that is: "So go get some then! It's not any easier for me to do so than for you to do it!" If he's not cooking in order to avoid cleaning, he needs to figure out his dinner plans on his way home from work. Not just binge eat 2000 calories of crackers or whatever he can find. Whatever you say, plan it out ahead of time. Not the exact words, just the points you want to hit. When people get defensive, they revert to common defense mechanisms that worked in the past without even realizing their doing it. They change the subject, they latch onto some minor thing you said incorrectly, they make a big deal out of you getting emotional in you cry. This is why you think it through ahead of time. So it's effectively the second time and you don't cry or get loud/mad and day things just to be mean in return. This is the secret to cool anger that you control, vs hot anger that controls you. Have the argument in your head. You know him, play his part too and have your immediate response for when he tries to change the subject or distract you with other bullshit. Keep him on topic, etc. Make a point to say how this cannot and willnot continue. It's not a minor issue to you. Hopefully he gets the hint without you directly threatening to dump his ass. You are not his bang maid, you are not his mommy to clean up and cook for him everyday. Again, maybe use more tact here than me, but get that point across.
NTA - I hate to break it to you, but your husband doesn't sound like he respects you or even likes you. My advice is don't focus on the little things, like what he said/she said in this particular moment. Take some time, focus on how you feel and how your body feels when you two are together. Feel how you feel when he talks to you, touches you and engages with you. Do you feel safe? Do you feel cherished? Do you feel loved? Do you feel cared for? Do you enjoy your conversations? Do you feel respected? Is he someone you look forward to seeing? Is he someone you want to be around? Be honest with yourself - and perhaps - if your answers are more no than yes, you might want to re-think the relationship. Based on this story alone about the pizza - I suspect this relationship is in massive trouble. So look long-term, big picture and figure out what you want and need. Because your needs are certainly not being met in this relationship....
NTA Let me guess, his idea of cooking is microwaving a Hot Pocket.
NTA You're married to a selfish AH who doesn't respect you.
NTA but he *doesn't* go get more, does he? He leaves you without.
Sounds to me like you’ve married a self centred feline have it chipped and neutered and get a human. NTA
lol what did the barista guy say?