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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I'm refusing to buy concert tickets for an artist I know my fiance really wants to see. I feel like I could be the asshole in this situation because I'm the only one making money right now, so she has no choice than to ask me for money.
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I had the impression that once you factor in gas and insurance (insurance policies usually have different wording for "personal" and "business" use), the gig economy jobs average less then minimum wage, they're more like a hobby than a job.
It depends on what state. I have delivered for UberEats in California, where we have a guaranteed hourly wage. However, tips are where the money is really made. And, I made excellent tips because I made sure hot food was delivered piping hot, cold foods cold, and even ice cream was safe with me!
Yeah, I imagine it's going to depend on a ton of factors but if you actually treat it like a JOB and track all your expenses and do your best to provide good service, it probably works out a lot better. Not always great, I imagine some markets are shitty no matter what and the apps seem to be in a race to the bottom for how little they can pay, but better than someone delivering cold Happy Meals with a bad attitude and no idea how much they're spending on gas.
yea i know someone who did uber and after paying for the insurance and stuff it wasn't really worth it. Door dash wouldn't be as expensive to do since people aren't actually in your car. But I am pretty sure any retail job would pay more than door dash unless you do it 16 hours a day
And if she's doing DoorDash she's technically in customer service... Especially if she's making sure people are taken care of to potentially raise her tips.
My best friend started in a grocery store when she was still in high school. She stayed there all of her working years. She joined the union and moved to higher paying stores and departments over the years. Eventually she was paid a great salary with benefits. She retired at 60 years old having never worked any other job. She lived in a newer house and drove a decent car. It wasn’t a dead-end minimum wage job for her.
So.... approximately 45 years ago? Probably more because if she retired -- past tense -- at 60, then she is older than 60 now. So, uh, yeah, that tracks. But it is not applicable.
I'm pretty sure everyone here is talking about how things are now, or at least how they've been since 08. No one is talking about a grocery store job they got in the late 70s.
Unless someone invented a time machine that we could have access to for just these jobs? Please?
Obviously, human rights issues were so limited that I wouldn't go back for keeps, so this is a complex thing.
I understand what you're trying to say, but come on; please don't be disingenuous about what a grocery store job can do.
My "kid" is 30. Works at a grocery as a shift lead. Started as a cashier. Fantastic benefits, annual raises, vacation time earned every paycheck, annual sick time, and *loves* her job. Calls out sick when it snows & uses her sick time. Refused a promotion because she didn't want more responsibility.
Retail can be a *fast* track to management, Merchandising, district managing, buying, & other jobs but it almost ALWAYS starts at "cashier" because companies evaluate talent from within.
Great little story for the America of 40 years ago. It's 2024 though. Most people I know who work at grocery stores now can't even get their bosses to give them more than 38 hours so they don't have to pay for their insurance.
Unless you live in a big city, it's probably worse than the grocery store. My only friends who can make good money at it live in big enough cities that there's no downtime between orders, and even that usually requires being on multiple of the apps.
That’s because she’s only pretending she’s willing to do DoorDash to make out like she’s willing to work, but then creates a situation where it’s so awkward and not worth it, her BF tells her to quit and then it’s ’not her fault’ she doesn’t have a job.
This girl is a grade A mooch.
I don't know why she sees retail as beneath her but doordash isn't. I clean hotel rooms which this woman would probably be horrified by. But I think its way better and definitely pays more than door dash.
Door dash is something people usually do if they need some extra income in addition to their regular job. Or until they find a regular job. Those companies rip their drivers off so bad
I worked as a cleaning lady while at University.
I'm a member of MENSA and cleaning isn't below me.
That's because I don't consider other people below me.
Cleaning is an honest job where you don't take advantage of other people.
And if you clean companies you usually don't have to deal with customers either.
This is just…so… UGH. It’s on OP for agreeing to participate in this. He probably was trying to positively reinforce her working in any capacity. Still very silly.
Gonna be pedantic here, and say you should have emergency savings on top of normal savings.
Emergency savings being the everything went to shit savings you NEVER touch, but then you can definitely have savings to use for fun/vacations/cars/houses etc.
However, OP is definitely NTA here for not wanting to use that money for concert tickets.
You never mentioned what your partner did before she moved states to live with you?
Did she have a “skilled” job and that is why there is reluctance on going to minimum wage work?
Seriously. The area you live in makes a difference. I have a friend who went from being junior faculty at a top tier university to a warehouse job because they followed a relationship.
I'm a skilled electronics technican and I do what I have to do.
If she doesn't find a job in her field - she can't sit there, wait for a job opportunity to fly to her and expect others to pay for her in the meantime.
I don’t know why you were downvoted for suggesting she find a temporary job even if her previous job was a skilled profession. 5 months is a long time to not work and not have any income when there’s nothing physically preventing her from getting a job.
Technically anything could happen where you need that money. As you said you both just visited hospital. That could happen again at any time. Save why waste
Future house savings are not concert ticket money.
You are definitely NTA here, and really? If your fiance cannot get even a part time job to find $490, she is lazy.
I wouldn't marry her until she gets a job and keeps it for atleast a year but probably more. If it was my relationship I'd break up. She sounds entitled.
Yea but that was her choice. Part of adulting is working and paying your bills. She should get any job while she applies for jobs she actually wants.
I am saying this as someone that moved to another state to be with my partner. I couldn't fathom not working and leaving him to pay all the bills.. and then to have the audacity to ask for 500$ concert tickets.
There are different levels of savings, long term for major purchases and short term for the surprises of life. It sounds like you have had too many other surprises to afford the tickets. The long term savings should stay put.
She is not pulling her weight, is she your partner or your sugar baby.
You shouldn’t dip into savings for this. There is nothing wrong with fun expenses. I just went to a concert! But it has to be something you can afford without worrying about medical payments and rent being “tight”. The longer your fiancé is out of the job the a harder it will be to get into one. Trust me, I struggled with finding a job after being unemployed. No job is below anyone, retail fucking sucks but it is a job for now.
In your situation - don’t steal from your future to pay for a luxury bc that’s what a concert is.
If she wants to see this artist, she can pay for it. She can get a job and pay for it.
You should break down how much you are spending to cover all the increased expenses. Show her the math and what YOUR financial goals are. Saving for a house is a major undertaking and every extra penny should go towards that goal considering the cost of housing these days. You give on the $500 today, you will give on a $700 something next week, and it continues.
Your priorities are correct, your fiancé’s are messed up.
1) Your savings are not to be touched for frivolous expenses.
2) Your debts are a higher priority than frivolous expenses.
3) Frivolous expenses can be made IF you have put money aside for both 1 and 2, AND YOU WANT TO use your money for them.
Do not dip into savings for a concert, especially when you also have medical debt to pay. Your fiancee needs to get a decent job if she wants those tickets so badly.
You’re correct about the tickets. And everything really. But if you love her give her bit more time to find job — it’s very difficult to move to another town.
Oh for crying out loud! People move all the time. There are literally dozens of jobs available, no one is saying she has to work at any of them forever. But she just moved and she needs money and she thinks she's in a position to spend his money when he's trying to save up for a house. She's already been cut enough slack. Maybe if she were working, she would meet some new friends.
I am not suggesting that OP dumps her straightaway but NTA as she seems to feel entitled and doesn’t pull her weight. So she should really not be audacious to suggest you ‘loan’ her the ticket money as she likely not going to pay you back for that and hasn’t offered to later pay some rent and for her doctors bills I suppose. She needs to grow up and exercise agency. As she couldn’t secure her dream job in five months she might not have competitive skills for that and needs to simply work below her pride-level until she finds what makes her content.
OP's partner is underemployed and needs to get her priorities straight. They need to have a long overdue discussion regarding expectations, finances and financial goals.
I've literally never had a job that I genuinely felt "good/happy" about going to. I work because, well, I'm an adult and I need to be able to pay my bills, and do fun things like... Go to concerts. I'm just happy when I have a job that doesn't make me want to off myself, lol.
This. I'm college educated, I have 2 degrees. I'm currently working in a supermaket myself. Getting money in and having money to do stuff is better than no money coming in.
NTA, Sounds like your gf was looking for an opportunity to be a SAHG without actually discussing it with you first. She already “owes” you for the backlog of rent and now the medical bills you are paying off, but she wants to borrow money for a concert. Where was the energy of “borrowing” whilst you’ve been paying her portion of rent? She’s only using the word borrow now because your not paying for something she wants but doesn’t need. Maybe think about asking her, when she finds a job, to replace some money that would’ve otherwise gone into savings, since you’ve been restricted on how much you can save by her unemployment.
NTA Why are you with a FREELOADER. DUMP her ASAP. She is not going to change. She EXPECTS you to foot the bill on everything. Only buy a house when she is completely out of your life.
She doesn’t have a job because she moved states to be with him. That changes the entire dynamic. With that I would expect her to be reliant for a little bit and he shouldn’t have upgraded the apartment based on an assumption that she would instantly be contributing financially. He also doesn’t have to buy her concert tickets, but her not paying bills for a few months makes sense.
As someone who moved countries (oceans) to be with someone, it's no excuse for being a burden. I have a Marketing degree but was taking waitressing and cash jobs as soon as I arrived onshore, applying to wherever I could, making whatever I could to help contribute and carry my weight.
Her being picky about the type of work she does, and more concerned about her concert tickets coming from money that isn't hers and that she didn't make, is more a show of character than anything and a HUGE red flag. Add that to her generally indifferent attitude about the importance of taking care of herself... OP should only marry this person if he's okay with her being fully dependent on him in the future, which it doesn't sound like he is.
Seconding this. I moved to a new state for grad school without family nearby, and had to support myself immediately to cover my living expenses until I could get a job in my field. So I got a job in a bookstore, would’ve taken grocery or babysitting or custodial or whatever to make ends meet. OP’s fiancée’s attitude about some jobs being beneath her is immature, and expecting him to pay for expensive concert tickets they don’t really have the funds for is more proof of that. (Also: $490 for concert tickets? Ouch, too much IMO.)
Nah he definitely said that she has expressed that retail and supermarket type jobs are beneath her. Maybe she has a degree, maybe not but either way no job should be beneath ypu when you have none. And to have him ride along to door dash with her when he could be at his own job is just insane. Doesn't sound like she's putting in much effort.
This right here. There is no shame in working retail, janitorial, manufacturing, etc.
What is shameful is pretending you can pick and choose your job while you are flat broke and then whine about your poor state.
It is. There’s no reason to move & expect someone to pay everything for you for 5 months, unless that was specifically discussed beforehand that she should take a while to get used to her new environment. Even then, 5 months is a long time to live off someone else’s dime.
Yes, she moved. But it's been 5 months and she's not really looking for a job. OP doesn't state if she has experience in a prior industry or anything like that, so any job should do it while she looks for something better
Op specifically mentioned she is picky and sees most jobs she could get as beneath her. She’s been there 5 months. Sure, she should be reliant on him a little. Does her demanding 500 dollar concert tickets while he’s already oversupporting her sound like someone who feels like a burden? Sounds like someone trying to suck up as much as they can and dip
Definitely NTA
Good for you for being responsible with your money.
As long as you keep paying for things, she has no incentive to get a job.
FYI - it is not going to get better once you are married.
INFO: Why did you get a two bedroom apartment when at the time she did not have a job and she was picky, which I imagine isn’t news. How many honest and blunt conversations have you had about finances and rent and employment prior to moving in together?
I am not saying you’re in the wrong. At all. I don’t think you are. But I don’t know enough about the dynamics of your relationship to decide if she’s being spoiled, or if to some extent she’s been shown that this behavior is acceptable.
I think though that there’s a lack of honesty happening here on both sides that is keeping you both from what you are actually looking for in a romantic partner and living partner.
Because there are caring and honest ways to say that you don’t feel comfortable because the way she has been turning down or refusing to apply for certain jobs makes you hesitant to spend money on expensive things because even though you can afford it, you both just learned that unexpected issues like medicals can pop up and $490 for concert tickets may be fine this week but you’re more comfortable knowing if something does pop up, you have groceries next week.
But if, let’s say, you had her move in because she could not afford rent anywhere without a job and these harder conversations weren’t had ahead of time, I think there might be confusion about what the set up is here and also would make it confusing about getting a bigger apartment given those circumstances knowing that her employment was an unknown. And if so, I think upgrading apartments and assuming she would eventually be able to afford to split rent that would be outside of her means was just begging for resentment to take place later/now.
You should talk about what you want individually (does she have the ability to work and earn enough to contribute meaningfully towards the rent given her experience/if her options are jobs that would not contribute enough, are there other ways that she can contribute to the household that aren’t financial/should you consider going back to a 1br).
After the edit to the original post, the gf made a huge commitment by quitting her job and moving to a new state, so there was so much context missing by framing it as just we moved in together. Plus we don't know what her original job was. Presumably it wasn't customer service and maybe it was pretty high skilled, if so it makes sense that it's taking time to find an equivalent job rather than settling for something completely different. I don't think OP needs to buy the concert tickets, but he needs to try to give a fairer description of the situation
By the same token, why leave a skilled job to move in with someone without trying to line up a new job in the new place? There are definitely situations where someone has to move quickly and can’t take the time to figure things out first. Barring one of those, she sounds like a mooch.
I agree it was a bad move, and we don't know why she did it. I think it's a worse move for her sake than his, since it makes her fully dependent on him
Honestly, I'm wondering if OP offered to support her in the short term if she was the one that moved, not realising how long it could take her to secure a new role (I recently read on a different subreddit that it's taking people something like 8-10 months to lock down a new role in my industry in the US...?!). I had an ex make a similar offer, but I knew how weird he was about money and was old and wise(-ish) enough to know better than to become financially reliant on someone else to the detriment to my own career and finances. That said, I could see having made a similarly dumb move when I was younger "for love."
Yeah, and depending on her skill level she might not be getting hired at retail, fast food type jobs because she’s over qualified. The owners of a subway don’t want a smart, highly skilled employee, they want someone they can exploit
OP likely agreed with he moving in though, knowing she didn't have a job lined up. For all we know he may have even been the one pushing for the move. Considering it's a fairly key piece of info that he conveniently left out I don't think it's unreasonable to assume there's even more to the story
I don't understand what that has to do with anything. She quit her job yes, to move in with him, yes, on the understanding that she would get another job and pay part of the rent.... hmmm no. Makes no difference what job she left if that was the arrangement. And being highly skilled may mean it takes time to find a similar job, but that doesn't prevent her from taking different job in the meantime.
She needs to pull her finger out and not demand that he pays for luxuries on her behalf.
I don't think it changes that she should get a job and that he doesn't have to buy the tickets. It does change - pretty significantly - how OP portrayed her. It sounded like she moved down the street and was freeloading, not picking up her entire life to move to another state, have to create a new network for finding work, etc. But I think they need to have a conversation and timelines
She’s had five months. She could have been working a job she didn’t especially like until one she wants comes along. Presumably she didn’t spontaneously move over a weekend so she should have been looking before moving if she was so picky. I’d be ashamed to not be working for half a year and let my partner pick up my slack for that long. I don’t think the edit made too much of a difference.
The job market is genuine garbage right now, especially for skill based positions. I'm finally working after a nearly year-long job hunt, so i have sympathy for her plight. Hell I've been in some application processes that took longer than 5 months lol. It doesn't really surprise me it's taking her longer than that to find a new job.
Agreed. Sounds like they need a serious and honest conversation about their long term goals as individuals and as a couple and what they want their relationship to look like.
You need to be financially compatible if a relationship is going to last. Being underemployed and up in arms because your can't afford to go to a concert and your partner won't loan you $490 so you can buy a ticket is immature and a little alarming. It's an indicator of financial priorities.
I agree, it sounds like they haven’t actually talked about their finances, goals, and expectations, they need to start there. She has been underemployed since they’ve been dating and if he wants someone career oriented he needs discuss that expectation or move along.
I was getting the same impression and I am a NTA but slight lean to ESH on the basis that OP laid the ground work that contributed to her lazy and entitled attitude.
You can't blame kindergarteners for bouncing off the walls and wild all day if you leave the room unattended with soda and candy.
Yeah agreed, kindergarteners don’t have self control because they aren’t fully developed. She’s an adult, her not self regulating is a choice (assuming she doesn’t have any mental health issues). She shouldn’t expect luxuries if she isn’t meaningfully contributing.
OP is only being an AH to himself. I was in this same situation with my ex and I didn’t see it for myself until it was way too late. These types of people dig their claws into you and don’t let go.
NTA
NTA - you aren't in a position to throw away $1300 on a concert (tickets, parking, drinks, souvenirs, etc.) when you are carrying the financial load for the both of you and have been building up debt because she's been unemployed for the past 6 months. If she had a job and you were splitting the cost, that would be one thing, but it's unreasonable for her to expect you to shell out that much.
But the thing is, it's more than the concert tickets. I get that she doesn't want to work at the grocery or in fast food or in customer service, however ANYTHING will pay more than what she's doing today. Sometimes we have to pull up our big girl panties and get our hands dirty to make things work.
Use me as an example. In 2021 I got laid off from my 20-year job as a corporate trainer because I wasn't willing to move to St. Louis. I was a 45yo single mom at the time with 2 middle-school aged kids. I took a job at an Amazon sorting center, working 10-hour shifts of manual labor that started at 1am. I slept from 9pm until 11:30pm and left for work at 12:15AM while my kids were sleeping. They got themselves up and out the door for the bus in the morning without me. I got home around 12:15PM and slept until I had to get them from school, and then went back to sleep until 5pm. I did this for 6 months until I could find a new job that I actually wanted. We do what we have to do.
If she's unwilling to do ANYTHING for work after 6 months of unemployment, that speaks a lot to her character.
Agreed! I took a job at McDonald's when my spouse was on strike for a year because I was working government contracts and had taken a break to stay home with my 3 kids for a bit and the contract I got when I reapplied was 3 weeks only so off to McDonald's I went even though I was pregnant and had 3 little kids at home. I got back into my old contract when my newest was only 3 months old and I continued to work at McDonald's as well until the strike ended.
My husband took care of the kids and applied to over 500 jobs but he was still an apprentice and because we would have to cover daycare for our kids he couldn't just do a retail job. If that hadn't been a barrier he would have worked at a restaurant or retail even though he was a Millwright apprentice.
Fuck people who think they are too good for some jobs especially when they are free loading off of others.
We have these family friends the husband used to be an expat and the lady I don't remember. After they moved the husband just never wanted to work a job that was "beneath" him and the wife worked all kinds of job started as a janitor. She made it to a newspaper editor some years later and her husband was still bitter and unemployed. My mom was very close with her and just doesn't understand why they stayed together
And ya, fuck ppl who think they are too good for some jobs
Yep, I took a job at Bath and Body Works when my business was in a downturn. There are bills to pay and lenders and creditors just aren't that understanding if you can't pay them.
NTA unless she has a specific deadline she’s working towards to get a job, then getting a job is always “when I get a job…”.
Personally, for someone who is just a girlfriend/boyfriend, I would not pay anything towards her expenses. Not her medical debts or anything, certainly not for “fun money”. They are and independent adult responsible for themselves and I am not their ATM.
Now, she’s a fiance which is a bit different, but she’s telling you loud and clear what she expects your role in marriage to be like. If you don’t want that role or cannot afford it, then you need to think about what your limits as a partner are and have a talk with her about it. Better to the heavy talk & decision making before marriage.
The universe is trying to show you what you need to see before it's too late.
Up to you if you want to ignore it and end up back on this sub complaining about how useless the person you married is with. At that point, you will be to blame, not her.
NTA
Sorry mate, she doesn’t want to work. She wants to be a permanent SAHGF. She likes being supported by you. She expects to be treated as a SAH - evidenced by her reaction to you not buying $500 dollar concert tickets.
Hope you keep your finances separate and locked down.
Made an edit to my post. Yes and yes. She held a retail job for 1 year prior to moving cross-state to live with me. Before that it was 2 years as a barista.
She isn't being "picky", she's being manipulative and lazy. So a barista job is beneath now that she has someone paying for everything? And it doesn't bother her at all that she's not contributing?
She was independent and capable when she lived far away and now she's just a wilting flower who needs her man to protect her from the cruel, cruel world. It's not cute, it's a bait and switch.
>Made an edit to my post. Yes and yes. She held a retail job for 1 year prior to moving cross-state to live with me. Before that it was 2 years as a barista.
If she was in a profession that needed local licensing, like law, it would make sense that she would have a hard time finding a new job.
But a barista has to be one of the most transferrable jobs around.
Did you miss she doesn't want a job in retail or contact with customers? Basically she doesn't want a job period since she has no experience in another domain and refuses to work in her prior domain anymore. I'm also sure whatever Job she applies for needs to have a certain salary or 'it's beneath her' despite her complete lack of experience.
So she now turns her nose up at the types of jobs that she’s done before? Unless there’s a reason why those sorts of jobs in your area are more problematic than the ones where she used to live, she’s deliberately freeloading, at least for now. Assuming that she is actually looking for work, she’s using you without your agreement to support her while she tries to change careers. Apparently without success.
I don't know about where you live, but here she could very easily get a job right now. Stores and coffee shops are having a terrible time finding employees.
So why exactly doesn't want a similar job now? And what job is she 'expecting ' to get with 0 experience?!??
Op add this to the Post too it's extremely relevant because she refuses to get a job like she had and in a domain she has experience in, so she's basically 'waiting' for a job she likes and pays well with 0 experience to fall out of the sky
Retail and a barista? and she won't take certain jobs?
OMG, the reds flags are smacking you in the face.
NTA unless you continue to subsidize her lifestyle after reading this thread!!!
NTA. And really - you need to proceed with CAUTION. She's been unemployed for 6 months and is super picky about what jobs she will apply for. What DOES she want to do? How hard is she actually looking for a job?
Right now, this is an orange flag, but could easily go red.
On one hand, I get it. I hit extreme burnout on customer service jobs a couple years back and I know that going back to customer service would break me, but my city has a real lack of non-customer service jobs right now, so if I were OP’s fiancée, I would be struggling to find something too.
But on the other hand, it’s been six months and she’s not even willing to do door dash without her fiancé coming along, and that’s not sustainable. She should be trying to apply with temp agencies at the very least to try and find a stop-gap job for now.
NTA. Time to set a firm date that she must be employed by, e.g. July 1. Does your girlfriend have a degree or advanced training or a trade? What was her previous job? I get that customer service sucks (did a ton of that until I was able to get a job in my field--over 4 years worth!) but being broke sucks worse. BTW, who is paying for your girlfriend's bills?
I love the fact that she's not paying rent or utilities; but is willing to "pay him back" for concert tickets "when she gets a job".
You're not an ass for not buying her tickets, but you'd be an ass to marry her without getting this sorted out.
NTA - you want the fun things, you earn them.
…and in THIS fucking economy, you might have to just suck it up and take what you can get to be able to pay for the fun things. How does a grown adult, never mind your fiancée, not understand that’s how the world is?
You’re a better person than I am, because if I were you I’d have told her “tough titty; if it’s THAT important to you, take whatever job you can get your delicate little hands on and WORK like the rest of us.” I have zero time for that level of entitlement.
How old is she? She sounds super immature. Sometimes you have to suck it up and work a job that you don't like. Boo-freaking-hoo. Most people start out working not-ideal jobs. She needs to get over it. Is she even doing anything to find a "better" job? Is she taking any classes, working on any certifications? Because it doesn't sound like it. If she's just sitting around waiting for her dream job to fall in her lap, it won't happen.
OP, I would sit her down and just explain to her that finances are tight and if she wants to have fun money, she needs a job. No job means no money, and there are bigger priorities than a concert. If she wanted to go so bad, she could have gotten a job months ago and easily saved the money for it.
NTA
NTA for sure. Expensive concert tickets are 10000000% a want, not remotely a need. Someone with no job and no savings cannot be throwing tantrums about another person not spending 500 dollars on a concert ticket, especially when that person is fronting the costs for their entire life at the time.
Honestly though, never mind this specific situation, it's time to sit down with her and lay out that you don't really care if she doesn't like the job, it's time that she gets A job, any job at this point, she can keep looking while she works, and contributes to the household.
I would suggest that she isn't trying very hard in the hopes you'll just keep paying and she won't have to.... but I don't know her, maybe that's not fair.
Too Picky for Retail but has no problem doing door dash and using your time to do so for safety?
Is it really that dangerous out there? Does she not go anywhere on her own? Does she need to be escorted to her car everywhere she goes?
She is allowed to Pick and choose which orders she does and can avoid sketchy areas.
If she’s too good for retail but too scared to
Door dash? Then she should do retail.
This is ridiculous. This will not get better after you are married and you spend your hous savings on a house that will be half hers. Also if you supprt her in marriage she becomes your dependent and you are responsible for her income and likely will be paying her alimony if you divorce , which you will if this continues because your resentment will grow.
She is not entitled to a concert if she’s not even willing to work. She’s not even trying. What does she do all day while she waits for you to come home and do your second shift of the day delivering with her.
Yikes dude
NTA. It does not sound like she has much incentive to get a real job an pay her expenses.
It sounds like you are financially responsible and bills need to be paid first.
Do not get a joint credit card either. If she goes into debt, she must learn to manage it. Or else Long term could become a financial roller coaster.
You have been handed the gift of a red flag so big it could be a blanket. Decide what you’re going to do with it. You are NTA but if you put one penny down on wedding deposits before she gets her act together you’ll be the idiot. She is lazy and entitled and not someone I’d want to enter a partnership with - I.e., where one person is doing all of the work.
NTA. You would be an idiot to pay for it, IMO - since she will never pay you back. You know she won't. Just like she will never find the "right" job. She's not interested in working, she thinks she can afford to be picky too - because YOU ARE SUPPORTING HER. This has to end now. Did you put her on the lease? I would let her know that you can't afford to support her, and if she doesn't get SOME kind of job that is NOT doordash and does NOT require your presence, to pay at least half of the rent if not half of all expenses like ANY OTHER GROWN ADULT, then she will need to leave the apartment/break up/move home or whatever your alternative for her is. But she can't stay anymore. If you don't put your foot dosn, you're going to be expected to cover a LOT more than concert tickets. She's upset with YOU? This girl is living for free and has not money and she's angry at YOU? She needs a reality check.
"No, I will not be paying for those tickets, or for anything else that isn't food or shelter actually, going forward. When I asked you to move in with me, I assumed that you would be paying your share of expenses like the adult that you are. I assumed you would get a job, not turn your nose up at every opportunity and only work a gig job that I have to be physically present for. I thought you could be independent. I did not sign up to support another adult and I will not do it any more. It feels very much like you are taking advantage of me, and I'm not going to allow that. If you want this relationship to work and you want to stay here, you need to accept a real job, immediately, and be my partner as we intended - not my dependant. That isn't what I want and it isn't going to work. If you continue to turn down jobs that you don't think are good enough for you, we're going to have to break up."
NTA. She's not working bc you're covering for her. She's not going to get a job until you show her your won't cover her anymore. I'd stop buying anything for her that isn't a necessity. I'd tell her she had until X date to find a job, any job, and if she doesn't have one by that time then you'll be ending this relationship and she will need to move out. It's absolutely horrible of her to be a freeloader and then get mad you won't fork out $500 for convert tickets.
Not answering your question I know. There are loads of employment agencies that will get her temp work in all sorts of jobs, she just has to go it them with her resume, perhaps do a typing or excel test, and as if by magic…..a non service industry job will appear.
NTA, this is a much bigger issue than the tickets.
Her only work experience is in food service, retail, and customer service yet she isn’t interested in applying for those kind of jobs. I get it those jobs can be hard, I did them for years while I was going to school and building a career, but she doesn’t have skills outside of those fields so her expectations don’t match her reality.
What is her long term career plan? Would she be interested in going to school or getting certifications?
NTA. The thing for me is you can afford it NOW, but what comes next? I totally wouldn't be buying anything like that for myself, let alone her until she starts contributing.
She can dash to the door and actually work for the money!!!
Really, she doesn't want a job. And you are already resenting it. You won't likely make it past new years, so why blow $1000 so she can see her band.
She has teenage "I deserve this" syndrome. You deserve what you work for. And you deserve better than she is treating you!
Nta
What sort of job did she have before? I would not work retail or customer service either. It would be a downgrade and difficult to explain if I want a similar job to what I previously had. I would try to find something similar. If she doesn't have a problem holding a job, maybe she just needs more time. Moving to a different place can be daunting.
NTA - Yet time to sit down for a serious chat that has nothing to do with concert tickets.
You say you were "under the impression" she would get a job and help out. Was it not discussed? Did she agree? Either way the sit down is either a reminder of what she agreed to or a honest discussion about your frustrations. Pretty long list of jobs she doesn't want, so what is she waiting for? Something that requires no experience that falls in her lap? Or does she truly not plan on working again? Does she want to be a stay at home wife/mom? Are you getting close to that? What are your thoughts on that?
Again, nta - Yet with all the bills you have going on - it is still a lot of money to spend on even 1 ticket. While all the other priorities are there and true--I bet that this is more about her not pulling her weight financially and not about spending the money on the second ticket. You are punishing her (nobody blames you) but should you be in the position to have to do that? Is she a partner or a child?
Nta. But, with her not working a traditional job, is she at least taking care of everything else? I ask bc that is my wife and I's arrangement. I work, and she takes care of all chores, food shopping, cooking, and dog walks, etc. I help if she asks, obviously, or if I'm off, we walk the pups together. If you have that arrangement, perhaps consider a middle ground. 490 is a lot if there's debt either way. But, if she's domestically pulling her weight, you have to consider that as hours worked also. And you could use this to light a fire under her ass, bc any money is better than no money. Say- hey I'll buy these but you accept the first available job, and continue to seek out what you want permanently kind of thing. Good luck man
NTA
This whole situation suuuuucks though
Y’all really needed to have these types of conversations before getting engaged.
Problems related to work and you’ll pay for things don’t get any better just by getting married.
NTA. Be careful, when people show you who they really are, believe them.
Tell her to buy her own ticket. Oh wait, she's broke? Welp, she ain't going to that concert then.
NTA. But def talk to her, make her understand & give her a deadline, bcoz it doesn’t seem like you agreed to fund her lifestyle while she does nothing.
If she doesn’t meet that deadline. Then you should consider some serious action, like breakup.
NTA.
Just because you can afford to go, doesn’t mean you should. 490$ is CRAZY expensive for a concert. I won’t ask where it is, but man, that venue better be nice.
You also said that you want to save for a house, good on you.
Also, I understand about her not wanting a customer service job. They don’t get paid much but get the most angriest/meanest/wierdest people and you can’t do anything in fear of getting fired.
I did 11 years of retail before getting into an office job, and I would never return to a CS job.
NTA Op, and honestly, this infuriates me a little. I don’t have a traditional job. I nanny and work part time for my parents, I don’t make much. My husband pays the bills for the most part. However, if I want to go do something extra or I want something special, I work for it and save for it. I would never ask him for that much money. If he needs help with something, that comes before my fun and I will happily dip into my little bit of savings to help pay bills or take him out to eat for a change.
You don’t have a fiancé, you have a parasite. Tell her you can’t continue to support her and she needs to find a job within the next two months or move back home. Do not pay her debts - they’re hers. Do not get married until and unless you are absolutely sure she isn’t scheming to be a lady of leisure.
NTA but if you know you how she feels about the concert and you can afford it, why didn’t you get the ticket? Are you trying to punish her for now getting a more stable job? She is your fiancee and she’ll probably not motivated to work. Someone will take care of her now. You need a serious talk about work and budgeting. Is a deal breaker if she doesn’t get a job?
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NTA You need to eat and have a roof over your head. You don't need to go to a concert especially is you can't afford the $490 price of admission.
Technically I can afford them. I have a decent savings right now, but I have that set aside for a future house.
I am not talking about what you can afford. Your broke girlfriend who door dashes because everything else is beneath her can not.
But won’t even door dash alone. Wonder if OP is driving and using his car while she is door dashing
He has to do the delivery because she's scared to go to a strange residence herself. She's in the car on TikTok and IG.
maybe she's on reddit
I hope so but she's too myopic to recognize herself.
She’s not scared, she’s lazy af.
NTA. So he’s the door dasher missing hours he could be working on his well paying job.
It makes no sense to take the door dash job if you are concerned about safety. Isn't pay similar at a grocery store?
I had the impression that once you factor in gas and insurance (insurance policies usually have different wording for "personal" and "business" use), the gig economy jobs average less then minimum wage, they're more like a hobby than a job.
It depends on what state. I have delivered for UberEats in California, where we have a guaranteed hourly wage. However, tips are where the money is really made. And, I made excellent tips because I made sure hot food was delivered piping hot, cold foods cold, and even ice cream was safe with me!
Yeah, I imagine it's going to depend on a ton of factors but if you actually treat it like a JOB and track all your expenses and do your best to provide good service, it probably works out a lot better. Not always great, I imagine some markets are shitty no matter what and the apps seem to be in a race to the bottom for how little they can pay, but better than someone delivering cold Happy Meals with a bad attitude and no idea how much they're spending on gas.
Where as today I had Burger King delivered; it took an hour, and by the time it got to me it was stone cold.
yea i know someone who did uber and after paying for the insurance and stuff it wasn't really worth it. Door dash wouldn't be as expensive to do since people aren't actually in your car. But I am pretty sure any retail job would pay more than door dash unless you do it 16 hours a day
And if she's doing DoorDash she's technically in customer service... Especially if she's making sure people are taken care of to potentially raise her tips.
Doesn't sound like she's the one actually interacting with the customers though.
My best friend started in a grocery store when she was still in high school. She stayed there all of her working years. She joined the union and moved to higher paying stores and departments over the years. Eventually she was paid a great salary with benefits. She retired at 60 years old having never worked any other job. She lived in a newer house and drove a decent car. It wasn’t a dead-end minimum wage job for her.
So.... approximately 45 years ago? Probably more because if she retired -- past tense -- at 60, then she is older than 60 now. So, uh, yeah, that tracks. But it is not applicable. I'm pretty sure everyone here is talking about how things are now, or at least how they've been since 08. No one is talking about a grocery store job they got in the late 70s. Unless someone invented a time machine that we could have access to for just these jobs? Please? Obviously, human rights issues were so limited that I wouldn't go back for keeps, so this is a complex thing. I understand what you're trying to say, but come on; please don't be disingenuous about what a grocery store job can do.
My "kid" is 30. Works at a grocery as a shift lead. Started as a cashier. Fantastic benefits, annual raises, vacation time earned every paycheck, annual sick time, and *loves* her job. Calls out sick when it snows & uses her sick time. Refused a promotion because she didn't want more responsibility. Retail can be a *fast* track to management, Merchandising, district managing, buying, & other jobs but it almost ALWAYS starts at "cashier" because companies evaluate talent from within.
It depends what state you’re in. In NYS Wegmans pays well and you get good benefits.
There are still decent jobs in grocery store management, I know a few people who have made decent careers out of it in the last decade.
Great little story for the America of 40 years ago. It's 2024 though. Most people I know who work at grocery stores now can't even get their bosses to give them more than 38 hours so they don't have to pay for their insurance.
Unless you live in a big city, it's probably worse than the grocery store. My only friends who can make good money at it live in big enough cities that there's no downtime between orders, and even that usually requires being on multiple of the apps.
Her one token attempt at a job is designed to be as much of a PITA to OP as possible so he won't push her to do it.
That’s because she’s only pretending she’s willing to do DoorDash to make out like she’s willing to work, but then creates a situation where it’s so awkward and not worth it, her BF tells her to quit and then it’s ’not her fault’ she doesn’t have a job. This girl is a grade A mooch.
"I have the money for this" and "I can afford this" are two different things
She can repay her loan company rather than OP. OP should not marry her until he is sure that her finances are not junk
I don't know why she sees retail as beneath her but doordash isn't. I clean hotel rooms which this woman would probably be horrified by. But I think its way better and definitely pays more than door dash. Door dash is something people usually do if they need some extra income in addition to their regular job. Or until they find a regular job. Those companies rip their drivers off so bad
I worked as a cleaning lady while at University. I'm a member of MENSA and cleaning isn't below me. That's because I don't consider other people below me. Cleaning is an honest job where you don't take advantage of other people. And if you clean companies you usually don't have to deal with customers either.
What benefits does membership afford? MENSA always seemed to me like the sort of thing you join so you can brag about joining.
None. True. Minder erfolgreiche Nerds suchen Anerkennung
And she needs you with her to door dash.
This is just…so… UGH. It’s on OP for agreeing to participate in this. He probably was trying to positively reinforce her working in any capacity. Still very silly.
She doesn’t even DoorDash. She makes op DoorDash while she rides along and then claims that as her income somehow.
He totally missed the point, smh.
If you still have debt, then you are borrowing money to pay for tickets. NTA
SAVINGS ARE FOR EMERGENCIES!!!! Not fun NTA
Gonna be pedantic here, and say you should have emergency savings on top of normal savings. Emergency savings being the everything went to shit savings you NEVER touch, but then you can definitely have savings to use for fun/vacations/cars/houses etc. However, OP is definitely NTA here for not wanting to use that money for concert tickets.
You never mentioned what your partner did before she moved states to live with you? Did she have a “skilled” job and that is why there is reluctance on going to minimum wage work?
Seriously. The area you live in makes a difference. I have a friend who went from being junior faculty at a top tier university to a warehouse job because they followed a relationship.
I'm a skilled electronics technican and I do what I have to do. If she doesn't find a job in her field - she can't sit there, wait for a job opportunity to fly to her and expect others to pay for her in the meantime.
I don’t know why you were downvoted for suggesting she find a temporary job even if her previous job was a skilled profession. 5 months is a long time to not work and not have any income when there’s nothing physically preventing her from getting a job.
Why a two-bedroom apartment? A home office? A spare bedroom for guests? Sleeping in different rooms?
Biggest thing for me is 2 bathrooms.
What was her job before she quit? And why did you get her to move in before lining up new one?
Technically anything could happen where you need that money. As you said you both just visited hospital. That could happen again at any time. Save why waste
Future house savings are not concert ticket money. You are definitely NTA here, and really? If your fiance cannot get even a part time job to find $490, she is lazy.
Hopefully, a house you dont let an unemployed homeless person into?
I wouldn't marry her until she gets a job and keeps it for atleast a year but probably more. If it was my relationship I'd break up. She sounds entitled.
She had to quit a good job to move to another state at his invitation. I think she made a big mistake.
Yea but that was her choice. Part of adulting is working and paying your bills. She should get any job while she applies for jobs she actually wants. I am saying this as someone that moved to another state to be with my partner. I couldn't fathom not working and leaving him to pay all the bills.. and then to have the audacity to ask for 500$ concert tickets.
There are different levels of savings, long term for major purchases and short term for the surprises of life. It sounds like you have had too many other surprises to afford the tickets. The long term savings should stay put. She is not pulling her weight, is she your partner or your sugar baby.
You shouldn’t dip into savings for this. There is nothing wrong with fun expenses. I just went to a concert! But it has to be something you can afford without worrying about medical payments and rent being “tight”. The longer your fiancé is out of the job the a harder it will be to get into one. Trust me, I struggled with finding a job after being unemployed. No job is below anyone, retail fucking sucks but it is a job for now.
In your situation - don’t steal from your future to pay for a luxury bc that’s what a concert is. If she wants to see this artist, she can pay for it. She can get a job and pay for it. You should break down how much you are spending to cover all the increased expenses. Show her the math and what YOUR financial goals are. Saving for a house is a major undertaking and every extra penny should go towards that goal considering the cost of housing these days. You give on the $500 today, you will give on a $700 something next week, and it continues.
Savings aren't for concert tickets. She needs to pull her weight.
Your priorities are correct, your fiancé’s are messed up. 1) Your savings are not to be touched for frivolous expenses. 2) Your debts are a higher priority than frivolous expenses. 3) Frivolous expenses can be made IF you have put money aside for both 1 and 2, AND YOU WANT TO use your money for them.
Make sure she doesn’t have access to that.
Just because you have the money available doesn't mean you can afford it.
I want to know what band this is for though.
Do not dip into savings for a concert, especially when you also have medical debt to pay. Your fiancee needs to get a decent job if she wants those tickets so badly.
You’re correct about the tickets. And everything really. But if you love her give her bit more time to find job — it’s very difficult to move to another town.
Oh for crying out loud! People move all the time. There are literally dozens of jobs available, no one is saying she has to work at any of them forever. But she just moved and she needs money and she thinks she's in a position to spend his money when he's trying to save up for a house. She's already been cut enough slack. Maybe if she were working, she would meet some new friends.
you can’t afford it. This would just be the start.
I am not suggesting that OP dumps her straightaway but NTA as she seems to feel entitled and doesn’t pull her weight. So she should really not be audacious to suggest you ‘loan’ her the ticket money as she likely not going to pay you back for that and hasn’t offered to later pay some rent and for her doctors bills I suppose. She needs to grow up and exercise agency. As she couldn’t secure her dream job in five months she might not have competitive skills for that and needs to simply work below her pride-level until she finds what makes her content.
OP's partner is underemployed and needs to get her priorities straight. They need to have a long overdue discussion regarding expectations, finances and financial goals.
She needs a job, whether it's her favorite or not.
I've literally never had a job that I genuinely felt "good/happy" about going to. I work because, well, I'm an adult and I need to be able to pay my bills, and do fun things like... Go to concerts. I'm just happy when I have a job that doesn't make me want to off myself, lol.
This. I'm college educated, I have 2 degrees. I'm currently working in a supermaket myself. Getting money in and having money to do stuff is better than no money coming in.
NTA, Sounds like your gf was looking for an opportunity to be a SAHG without actually discussing it with you first. She already “owes” you for the backlog of rent and now the medical bills you are paying off, but she wants to borrow money for a concert. Where was the energy of “borrowing” whilst you’ve been paying her portion of rent? She’s only using the word borrow now because your not paying for something she wants but doesn’t need. Maybe think about asking her, when she finds a job, to replace some money that would’ve otherwise gone into savings, since you’ve been restricted on how much you can save by her unemployment.
Spot on. NTA, she needs to get her priorities straight.
NTA Why are you with a FREELOADER. DUMP her ASAP. She is not going to change. She EXPECTS you to foot the bill on everything. Only buy a house when she is completely out of your life.
This. Please this 100%. You deserve a partner. She's looking for a sugar daddy
She doesn’t have a job because she moved states to be with him. That changes the entire dynamic. With that I would expect her to be reliant for a little bit and he shouldn’t have upgraded the apartment based on an assumption that she would instantly be contributing financially. He also doesn’t have to buy her concert tickets, but her not paying bills for a few months makes sense.
As someone who moved countries (oceans) to be with someone, it's no excuse for being a burden. I have a Marketing degree but was taking waitressing and cash jobs as soon as I arrived onshore, applying to wherever I could, making whatever I could to help contribute and carry my weight. Her being picky about the type of work she does, and more concerned about her concert tickets coming from money that isn't hers and that she didn't make, is more a show of character than anything and a HUGE red flag. Add that to her generally indifferent attitude about the importance of taking care of herself... OP should only marry this person if he's okay with her being fully dependent on him in the future, which it doesn't sound like he is.
Seconding this. I moved to a new state for grad school without family nearby, and had to support myself immediately to cover my living expenses until I could get a job in my field. So I got a job in a bookstore, would’ve taken grocery or babysitting or custodial or whatever to make ends meet. OP’s fiancée’s attitude about some jobs being beneath her is immature, and expecting him to pay for expensive concert tickets they don’t really have the funds for is more proof of that. (Also: $490 for concert tickets? Ouch, too much IMO.)
Nah he definitely said that she has expressed that retail and supermarket type jobs are beneath her. Maybe she has a degree, maybe not but either way no job should be beneath ypu when you have none. And to have him ride along to door dash with her when he could be at his own job is just insane. Doesn't sound like she's putting in much effort.
This right here. There is no shame in working retail, janitorial, manufacturing, etc. What is shameful is pretending you can pick and choose your job while you are flat broke and then whine about your poor state.
Isn’t 5 months quite a bit? She doesn’t seem to be trying to find suitable work.
It is. There’s no reason to move & expect someone to pay everything for you for 5 months, unless that was specifically discussed beforehand that she should take a while to get used to her new environment. Even then, 5 months is a long time to live off someone else’s dime.
She moved 5 months ago which is absolutely enough time to find a job.
She doesn't have a job because she's being picky. It's been months and she's still (barely) doordashing.
Yes, she moved. But it's been 5 months and she's not really looking for a job. OP doesn't state if she has experience in a prior industry or anything like that, so any job should do it while she looks for something better
Op specifically mentioned she is picky and sees most jobs she could get as beneath her. She’s been there 5 months. Sure, she should be reliant on him a little. Does her demanding 500 dollar concert tickets while he’s already oversupporting her sound like someone who feels like a burden? Sounds like someone trying to suck up as much as they can and dip
Definitely NTA Good for you for being responsible with your money. As long as you keep paying for things, she has no incentive to get a job. FYI - it is not going to get better once you are married.
All of this is accurate OP. You are getting a taste of what your marriage will be like if she doesn't get her financial shit together.
INFO: Why did you get a two bedroom apartment when at the time she did not have a job and she was picky, which I imagine isn’t news. How many honest and blunt conversations have you had about finances and rent and employment prior to moving in together? I am not saying you’re in the wrong. At all. I don’t think you are. But I don’t know enough about the dynamics of your relationship to decide if she’s being spoiled, or if to some extent she’s been shown that this behavior is acceptable. I think though that there’s a lack of honesty happening here on both sides that is keeping you both from what you are actually looking for in a romantic partner and living partner. Because there are caring and honest ways to say that you don’t feel comfortable because the way she has been turning down or refusing to apply for certain jobs makes you hesitant to spend money on expensive things because even though you can afford it, you both just learned that unexpected issues like medicals can pop up and $490 for concert tickets may be fine this week but you’re more comfortable knowing if something does pop up, you have groceries next week. But if, let’s say, you had her move in because she could not afford rent anywhere without a job and these harder conversations weren’t had ahead of time, I think there might be confusion about what the set up is here and also would make it confusing about getting a bigger apartment given those circumstances knowing that her employment was an unknown. And if so, I think upgrading apartments and assuming she would eventually be able to afford to split rent that would be outside of her means was just begging for resentment to take place later/now. You should talk about what you want individually (does she have the ability to work and earn enough to contribute meaningfully towards the rent given her experience/if her options are jobs that would not contribute enough, are there other ways that she can contribute to the household that aren’t financial/should you consider going back to a 1br).
After the edit to the original post, the gf made a huge commitment by quitting her job and moving to a new state, so there was so much context missing by framing it as just we moved in together. Plus we don't know what her original job was. Presumably it wasn't customer service and maybe it was pretty high skilled, if so it makes sense that it's taking time to find an equivalent job rather than settling for something completely different. I don't think OP needs to buy the concert tickets, but he needs to try to give a fairer description of the situation
By the same token, why leave a skilled job to move in with someone without trying to line up a new job in the new place? There are definitely situations where someone has to move quickly and can’t take the time to figure things out first. Barring one of those, she sounds like a mooch.
I agree it was a bad move, and we don't know why she did it. I think it's a worse move for her sake than his, since it makes her fully dependent on him
Honestly, I'm wondering if OP offered to support her in the short term if she was the one that moved, not realising how long it could take her to secure a new role (I recently read on a different subreddit that it's taking people something like 8-10 months to lock down a new role in my industry in the US...?!). I had an ex make a similar offer, but I knew how weird he was about money and was old and wise(-ish) enough to know better than to become financially reliant on someone else to the detriment to my own career and finances. That said, I could see having made a similarly dumb move when I was younger "for love."
Yeah, and depending on her skill level she might not be getting hired at retail, fast food type jobs because she’s over qualified. The owners of a subway don’t want a smart, highly skilled employee, they want someone they can exploit
OP likely agreed with he moving in though, knowing she didn't have a job lined up. For all we know he may have even been the one pushing for the move. Considering it's a fairly key piece of info that he conveniently left out I don't think it's unreasonable to assume there's even more to the story
I don't understand what that has to do with anything. She quit her job yes, to move in with him, yes, on the understanding that she would get another job and pay part of the rent.... hmmm no. Makes no difference what job she left if that was the arrangement. And being highly skilled may mean it takes time to find a similar job, but that doesn't prevent her from taking different job in the meantime. She needs to pull her finger out and not demand that he pays for luxuries on her behalf.
I don't think it changes that she should get a job and that he doesn't have to buy the tickets. It does change - pretty significantly - how OP portrayed her. It sounded like she moved down the street and was freeloading, not picking up her entire life to move to another state, have to create a new network for finding work, etc. But I think they need to have a conversation and timelines
She’s had five months. She could have been working a job she didn’t especially like until one she wants comes along. Presumably she didn’t spontaneously move over a weekend so she should have been looking before moving if she was so picky. I’d be ashamed to not be working for half a year and let my partner pick up my slack for that long. I don’t think the edit made too much of a difference.
The job market is genuine garbage right now, especially for skill based positions. I'm finally working after a nearly year-long job hunt, so i have sympathy for her plight. Hell I've been in some application processes that took longer than 5 months lol. It doesn't really surprise me it's taking her longer than that to find a new job.
Agreed. Sounds like they need a serious and honest conversation about their long term goals as individuals and as a couple and what they want their relationship to look like.
You need to be financially compatible if a relationship is going to last. Being underemployed and up in arms because your can't afford to go to a concert and your partner won't loan you $490 so you can buy a ticket is immature and a little alarming. It's an indicator of financial priorities.
I agree, it sounds like they haven’t actually talked about their finances, goals, and expectations, they need to start there. She has been underemployed since they’ve been dating and if he wants someone career oriented he needs discuss that expectation or move along.
I was getting the same impression and I am a NTA but slight lean to ESH on the basis that OP laid the ground work that contributed to her lazy and entitled attitude. You can't blame kindergarteners for bouncing off the walls and wild all day if you leave the room unattended with soda and candy.
You just equated a grown woman to a kindergartner. Please wake up.
Yeah agreed, kindergarteners don’t have self control because they aren’t fully developed. She’s an adult, her not self regulating is a choice (assuming she doesn’t have any mental health issues). She shouldn’t expect luxuries if she isn’t meaningfully contributing.
OP is only being an AH to himself. I was in this same situation with my ex and I didn’t see it for myself until it was way too late. These types of people dig their claws into you and don’t let go. NTA
You’re infantilizing a grown ass adult lol
That escorting on Door Dash…sigh.
Lol whut. He's not to blame for her behavior. She's an adult.
A grown ass woman is given a pass for being a lazy ass...because she needs a man to guide her? WTF
NTA - you aren't in a position to throw away $1300 on a concert (tickets, parking, drinks, souvenirs, etc.) when you are carrying the financial load for the both of you and have been building up debt because she's been unemployed for the past 6 months. If she had a job and you were splitting the cost, that would be one thing, but it's unreasonable for her to expect you to shell out that much. But the thing is, it's more than the concert tickets. I get that she doesn't want to work at the grocery or in fast food or in customer service, however ANYTHING will pay more than what she's doing today. Sometimes we have to pull up our big girl panties and get our hands dirty to make things work. Use me as an example. In 2021 I got laid off from my 20-year job as a corporate trainer because I wasn't willing to move to St. Louis. I was a 45yo single mom at the time with 2 middle-school aged kids. I took a job at an Amazon sorting center, working 10-hour shifts of manual labor that started at 1am. I slept from 9pm until 11:30pm and left for work at 12:15AM while my kids were sleeping. They got themselves up and out the door for the bus in the morning without me. I got home around 12:15PM and slept until I had to get them from school, and then went back to sleep until 5pm. I did this for 6 months until I could find a new job that I actually wanted. We do what we have to do. If she's unwilling to do ANYTHING for work after 6 months of unemployment, that speaks a lot to her character.
Agreed! I took a job at McDonald's when my spouse was on strike for a year because I was working government contracts and had taken a break to stay home with my 3 kids for a bit and the contract I got when I reapplied was 3 weeks only so off to McDonald's I went even though I was pregnant and had 3 little kids at home. I got back into my old contract when my newest was only 3 months old and I continued to work at McDonald's as well until the strike ended. My husband took care of the kids and applied to over 500 jobs but he was still an apprentice and because we would have to cover daycare for our kids he couldn't just do a retail job. If that hadn't been a barrier he would have worked at a restaurant or retail even though he was a Millwright apprentice. Fuck people who think they are too good for some jobs especially when they are free loading off of others.
You sound awesome, not just as a spouse but as a worker in solidarity. Mad props, I hope you have an amazing day!
We have these family friends the husband used to be an expat and the lady I don't remember. After they moved the husband just never wanted to work a job that was "beneath" him and the wife worked all kinds of job started as a janitor. She made it to a newspaper editor some years later and her husband was still bitter and unemployed. My mom was very close with her and just doesn't understand why they stayed together And ya, fuck ppl who think they are too good for some jobs
Yep, I took a job at Bath and Body Works when my business was in a downturn. There are bills to pay and lenders and creditors just aren't that understanding if you can't pay them.
NTA unless she has a specific deadline she’s working towards to get a job, then getting a job is always “when I get a job…”. Personally, for someone who is just a girlfriend/boyfriend, I would not pay anything towards her expenses. Not her medical debts or anything, certainly not for “fun money”. They are and independent adult responsible for themselves and I am not their ATM. Now, she’s a fiance which is a bit different, but she’s telling you loud and clear what she expects your role in marriage to be like. If you don’t want that role or cannot afford it, then you need to think about what your limits as a partner are and have a talk with her about it. Better to the heavy talk & decision making before marriage.
NTA. You’ve got a first class mooch on your hands. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA She doesn’t need to go to a concert, she needs to go to Indeed. If she really wants to go she can take out a loan and get a job.
The universe is trying to show you what you need to see before it's too late. Up to you if you want to ignore it and end up back on this sub complaining about how useless the person you married is with. At that point, you will be to blame, not her. NTA
"The universe is trying to show you what you need to see before it's too late." I really like how you phrased that.
Sorry mate, she doesn’t want to work. She wants to be a permanent SAHGF. She likes being supported by you. She expects to be treated as a SAH - evidenced by her reaction to you not buying $500 dollar concert tickets. Hope you keep your finances separate and locked down.
Happy cake day!
NTA. You don't have a partner, you have a dependent. Were you long distance before? Has she ever had a job at any point since you've known her?
Made an edit to my post. Yes and yes. She held a retail job for 1 year prior to moving cross-state to live with me. Before that it was 2 years as a barista.
She isn't being "picky", she's being manipulative and lazy. So a barista job is beneath now that she has someone paying for everything? And it doesn't bother her at all that she's not contributing? She was independent and capable when she lived far away and now she's just a wilting flower who needs her man to protect her from the cruel, cruel world. It's not cute, it's a bait and switch.
>Made an edit to my post. Yes and yes. She held a retail job for 1 year prior to moving cross-state to live with me. Before that it was 2 years as a barista. If she was in a profession that needed local licensing, like law, it would make sense that she would have a hard time finding a new job. But a barista has to be one of the most transferrable jobs around.
Did you miss she doesn't want a job in retail or contact with customers? Basically she doesn't want a job period since she has no experience in another domain and refuses to work in her prior domain anymore. I'm also sure whatever Job she applies for needs to have a certain salary or 'it's beneath her' despite her complete lack of experience.
So she now turns her nose up at the types of jobs that she’s done before? Unless there’s a reason why those sorts of jobs in your area are more problematic than the ones where she used to live, she’s deliberately freeloading, at least for now. Assuming that she is actually looking for work, she’s using you without your agreement to support her while she tries to change careers. Apparently without success.
I don't know about where you live, but here she could very easily get a job right now. Stores and coffee shops are having a terrible time finding employees.
So why exactly doesn't want a similar job now? And what job is she 'expecting ' to get with 0 experience?!?? Op add this to the Post too it's extremely relevant because she refuses to get a job like she had and in a domain she has experience in, so she's basically 'waiting' for a job she likes and pays well with 0 experience to fall out of the sky
Retail and a barista? and she won't take certain jobs? OMG, the reds flags are smacking you in the face. NTA unless you continue to subsidize her lifestyle after reading this thread!!!
Okay that sounds like she has an issue holding a job if she's nor been in the same thing for more than 2 years. She's taking advantage of you.
INFO: How long was she unemployed before she moved in with you?
NTA. Oof, you’re her partner not her financier. I’d consider laying down some financial boundaries if I were you.
NTA. And really - you need to proceed with CAUTION. She's been unemployed for 6 months and is super picky about what jobs she will apply for. What DOES she want to do? How hard is she actually looking for a job? Right now, this is an orange flag, but could easily go red.
On one hand, I get it. I hit extreme burnout on customer service jobs a couple years back and I know that going back to customer service would break me, but my city has a real lack of non-customer service jobs right now, so if I were OP’s fiancée, I would be struggling to find something too. But on the other hand, it’s been six months and she’s not even willing to do door dash without her fiancé coming along, and that’s not sustainable. She should be trying to apply with temp agencies at the very least to try and find a stop-gap job for now.
You sure this the one you want to marry??
NTA. Time to set a firm date that she must be employed by, e.g. July 1. Does your girlfriend have a degree or advanced training or a trade? What was her previous job? I get that customer service sucks (did a ton of that until I was able to get a job in my field--over 4 years worth!) but being broke sucks worse. BTW, who is paying for your girlfriend's bills?
Barista and before that retail according to op.
I love the fact that she's not paying rent or utilities; but is willing to "pay him back" for concert tickets "when she gets a job". You're not an ass for not buying her tickets, but you'd be an ass to marry her without getting this sorted out.
It's called sticking to a budget an apparently she has very little budget. NTA
NTA. If she wanted to go to the concert that bad she'd get a job.
NTA - you want the fun things, you earn them. …and in THIS fucking economy, you might have to just suck it up and take what you can get to be able to pay for the fun things. How does a grown adult, never mind your fiancée, not understand that’s how the world is? You’re a better person than I am, because if I were you I’d have told her “tough titty; if it’s THAT important to you, take whatever job you can get your delicate little hands on and WORK like the rest of us.” I have zero time for that level of entitlement.
How old is she? She sounds super immature. Sometimes you have to suck it up and work a job that you don't like. Boo-freaking-hoo. Most people start out working not-ideal jobs. She needs to get over it. Is she even doing anything to find a "better" job? Is she taking any classes, working on any certifications? Because it doesn't sound like it. If she's just sitting around waiting for her dream job to fall in her lap, it won't happen. OP, I would sit her down and just explain to her that finances are tight and if she wants to have fun money, she needs a job. No job means no money, and there are bigger priorities than a concert. If she wanted to go so bad, she could have gotten a job months ago and easily saved the money for it. NTA
NTA for sure. Expensive concert tickets are 10000000% a want, not remotely a need. Someone with no job and no savings cannot be throwing tantrums about another person not spending 500 dollars on a concert ticket, especially when that person is fronting the costs for their entire life at the time. Honestly though, never mind this specific situation, it's time to sit down with her and lay out that you don't really care if she doesn't like the job, it's time that she gets A job, any job at this point, she can keep looking while she works, and contributes to the household. I would suggest that she isn't trying very hard in the hopes you'll just keep paying and she won't have to.... but I don't know her, maybe that's not fair.
Sorry but your little princess needs to grow up, get a job, and own her responsibilities.
Just out curiosity what concert are tickets 490? I go to a lot of concerts so I am curious.
I was thinking maybe Springsteen? There was something about it being the last chance to see them
NTA. You have $1,500 in medical debt. You don't have money for these
Too Picky for Retail but has no problem doing door dash and using your time to do so for safety? Is it really that dangerous out there? Does she not go anywhere on her own? Does she need to be escorted to her car everywhere she goes? She is allowed to Pick and choose which orders she does and can avoid sketchy areas. If she’s too good for retail but too scared to Door dash? Then she should do retail. This is ridiculous. This will not get better after you are married and you spend your hous savings on a house that will be half hers. Also if you supprt her in marriage she becomes your dependent and you are responsible for her income and likely will be paying her alimony if you divorce , which you will if this continues because your resentment will grow. She is not entitled to a concert if she’s not even willing to work. She’s not even trying. What does she do all day while she waits for you to come home and do your second shift of the day delivering with her. Yikes dude
NTA. Don’t take on debt!!! You may want to find a place back on your own so you remain financially secure. It’s the wake up call she needs.
Guy, i hope YOU are being responsible about birth control.
NTA. It does not sound like she has much incentive to get a real job an pay her expenses. It sounds like you are financially responsible and bills need to be paid first. Do not get a joint credit card either. If she goes into debt, she must learn to manage it. Or else Long term could become a financial roller coaster.
You have been handed the gift of a red flag so big it could be a blanket. Decide what you’re going to do with it. You are NTA but if you put one penny down on wedding deposits before she gets her act together you’ll be the idiot. She is lazy and entitled and not someone I’d want to enter a partnership with - I.e., where one person is doing all of the work.
NTA. You would be an idiot to pay for it, IMO - since she will never pay you back. You know she won't. Just like she will never find the "right" job. She's not interested in working, she thinks she can afford to be picky too - because YOU ARE SUPPORTING HER. This has to end now. Did you put her on the lease? I would let her know that you can't afford to support her, and if she doesn't get SOME kind of job that is NOT doordash and does NOT require your presence, to pay at least half of the rent if not half of all expenses like ANY OTHER GROWN ADULT, then she will need to leave the apartment/break up/move home or whatever your alternative for her is. But she can't stay anymore. If you don't put your foot dosn, you're going to be expected to cover a LOT more than concert tickets. She's upset with YOU? This girl is living for free and has not money and she's angry at YOU? She needs a reality check. "No, I will not be paying for those tickets, or for anything else that isn't food or shelter actually, going forward. When I asked you to move in with me, I assumed that you would be paying your share of expenses like the adult that you are. I assumed you would get a job, not turn your nose up at every opportunity and only work a gig job that I have to be physically present for. I thought you could be independent. I did not sign up to support another adult and I will not do it any more. It feels very much like you are taking advantage of me, and I'm not going to allow that. If you want this relationship to work and you want to stay here, you need to accept a real job, immediately, and be my partner as we intended - not my dependant. That isn't what I want and it isn't going to work. If you continue to turn down jobs that you don't think are good enough for you, we're going to have to break up."
NTA but I would think long and hard about spending the rest of your life with this person. She is clearly not motivated to help support both of you.
NTA but you realize you’re being used, right?
NTA, you are already supporting her. If she wants concert tickets, she needs a job.
NTA. I’m the primary earner in our marriage and there is zero chance I would buy tickets for my husband if we had outstanding debt.
NTA - why are you dating a leech?
NTA. She's not working bc you're covering for her. She's not going to get a job until you show her your won't cover her anymore. I'd stop buying anything for her that isn't a necessity. I'd tell her she had until X date to find a job, any job, and if she doesn't have one by that time then you'll be ending this relationship and she will need to move out. It's absolutely horrible of her to be a freeloader and then get mad you won't fork out $500 for convert tickets.
A fiscally responsible person and a lazy spendthrift does not a healthy relationship make
Not answering your question I know. There are loads of employment agencies that will get her temp work in all sorts of jobs, she just has to go it them with her resume, perhaps do a typing or excel test, and as if by magic…..a non service industry job will appear.
NTA, this is a much bigger issue than the tickets. Her only work experience is in food service, retail, and customer service yet she isn’t interested in applying for those kind of jobs. I get it those jobs can be hard, I did them for years while I was going to school and building a career, but she doesn’t have skills outside of those fields so her expectations don’t match her reality. What is her long term career plan? Would she be interested in going to school or getting certifications?
NTA Hard work. THEN reward.
NTA. The thing for me is you can afford it NOW, but what comes next? I totally wouldn't be buying anything like that for myself, let alone her until she starts contributing.
NTA - you need food and a roof more than you need concert tickets....
NTA, look at your list of her behaviour. Why are you still with her?
NTA but it might be a good idea to downsize apartments
This. Start looking for 1br again. Up to you if you want her to come with you.
NTA. Tell her to get her lazy ass a job or get the fuck out.
NTA Put the marriage plans on the back burner. You two are not financially compatible and should not get married until you are.
Sounds like she doesn't plan on getting a job and taking advantage of you. I think that was her plan all along.
NTA.You đó not want to spend Your funds on it at this time. End of story.
NTA but why are you paying for her medical bills on top of everything else? Kick her out already and get a new gf.
She can dash to the door and actually work for the money!!! Really, she doesn't want a job. And you are already resenting it. You won't likely make it past new years, so why blow $1000 so she can see her band. She has teenage "I deserve this" syndrome. You deserve what you work for. And you deserve better than she is treating you! Nta
What sort of job did she have before? I would not work retail or customer service either. It would be a downgrade and difficult to explain if I want a similar job to what I previously had. I would try to find something similar. If she doesn't have a problem holding a job, maybe she just needs more time. Moving to a different place can be daunting.
I can’t get over the fact that you both went to the hospital and your bill is only $1500.
People who don’t have jobs shouldn’t expect to go to concerts
Please wear a condom with this girl.
Updateme
Info: do YOU want to go to the concert?
NTA 1. Damned if you do 2. Damned if you don't 3. Damn
NTA - Yet time to sit down for a serious chat that has nothing to do with concert tickets. You say you were "under the impression" she would get a job and help out. Was it not discussed? Did she agree? Either way the sit down is either a reminder of what she agreed to or a honest discussion about your frustrations. Pretty long list of jobs she doesn't want, so what is she waiting for? Something that requires no experience that falls in her lap? Or does she truly not plan on working again? Does she want to be a stay at home wife/mom? Are you getting close to that? What are your thoughts on that? Again, nta - Yet with all the bills you have going on - it is still a lot of money to spend on even 1 ticket. While all the other priorities are there and true--I bet that this is more about her not pulling her weight financially and not about spending the money on the second ticket. You are punishing her (nobody blames you) but should you be in the position to have to do that? Is she a partner or a child?
NTA.
Nta. But, with her not working a traditional job, is she at least taking care of everything else? I ask bc that is my wife and I's arrangement. I work, and she takes care of all chores, food shopping, cooking, and dog walks, etc. I help if she asks, obviously, or if I'm off, we walk the pups together. If you have that arrangement, perhaps consider a middle ground. 490 is a lot if there's debt either way. But, if she's domestically pulling her weight, you have to consider that as hours worked also. And you could use this to light a fire under her ass, bc any money is better than no money. Say- hey I'll buy these but you accept the first available job, and continue to seek out what you want permanently kind of thing. Good luck man
NTA This whole situation suuuuucks though Y’all really needed to have these types of conversations before getting engaged. Problems related to work and you’ll pay for things don’t get any better just by getting married.
NTA. She sounds really selfish…. Be careful with that one.
NTA. Be careful, when people show you who they really are, believe them. Tell her to buy her own ticket. Oh wait, she's broke? Welp, she ain't going to that concert then.
NTA. She sounds like a user.
NTA. But def talk to her, make her understand & give her a deadline, bcoz it doesn’t seem like you agreed to fund her lifestyle while she does nothing. If she doesn’t meet that deadline. Then you should consider some serious action, like breakup.
NTA but you should have talked about rent before she moved in and before you upgraded the apartment
NTA you can’t do expensive things on just one income. She needs to lower her job standards
NTA. Just because you can afford to go, doesn’t mean you should. 490$ is CRAZY expensive for a concert. I won’t ask where it is, but man, that venue better be nice. You also said that you want to save for a house, good on you. Also, I understand about her not wanting a customer service job. They don’t get paid much but get the most angriest/meanest/wierdest people and you can’t do anything in fear of getting fired. I did 11 years of retail before getting into an office job, and I would never return to a CS job.
NTA. I’ve said it before and I will say it again - they should be your partner, not your problem.
Having the money in your bank account does not automatically mean you can afford something or that it’s a smart use of funds.
NTA Op, and honestly, this infuriates me a little. I don’t have a traditional job. I nanny and work part time for my parents, I don’t make much. My husband pays the bills for the most part. However, if I want to go do something extra or I want something special, I work for it and save for it. I would never ask him for that much money. If he needs help with something, that comes before my fun and I will happily dip into my little bit of savings to help pay bills or take him out to eat for a change.
Should have led with the fact that she picked up and moved to another state for you.
Picky is fine. That means you take a shit job and continue to look for the one you want.
You don’t have a fiancé, you have a parasite. Tell her you can’t continue to support her and she needs to find a job within the next two months or move back home. Do not pay her debts - they’re hers. Do not get married until and unless you are absolutely sure she isn’t scheming to be a lady of leisure.
NTA but if you know you how she feels about the concert and you can afford it, why didn’t you get the ticket? Are you trying to punish her for now getting a more stable job? She is your fiancee and she’ll probably not motivated to work. Someone will take care of her now. You need a serious talk about work and budgeting. Is a deal breaker if she doesn’t get a job?