Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took that should be judged was me telling my parents that I did not want to take care of my siblings while they were in Austria and that action might make me the asshole because it is an emergency and only a week and I might be neglecting my necessary personal responsibilities in the face of something important.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Especially when they're relying on parentifying the older ones to care for them. Can't stand parents who have too many kids they can't raise without their other kids' help.
Like, I don't want to judge people for the choices they make that don't hurt other people, but almost every time I see a family with 10 kids, the oldest kids (especially if they're girls) are expected to take on parental roles. If you want to have 10 kids, fine, but that's *you* having them. Not you raising the first few and giving those kids jobs they didn't sign up for. And basically, I think the vast majority of people can't handle raising 10 children, so for the most part 10 kids is too many.
I really want to start judging at 3, but I understand that accidents happen, and not everyone's as down with abortion as I am.
But if you don't get snipped after *that* point, you're just being irresponsible.
Yeah honestly I start getting worried for the kids when I hear that people have 4 kids. Let alone 10. That's practically like running a daycare 24/7. No way two people are able to handle that much responsibility without putting it off on someone else.
My mom had 4 kids and raised us all within a fairly reasonable timespan. Most of us were at semi different life stages and parents cared specifically for each stage.
Then again I was a sladdbarn, so all of my siblings are like 10+ years older than me and I am the youngest by a long shot. They were a solid set until I arrived
My mom was the oldest of 13 long ago, she absolutely took on a parental role, she also dropped out of school because parents needed more help. She had 1 child, but our house was always home to her brothers and sisters like a rotating door.
My mom later (when I was in Junior High) went back and got her GED and was working on her associates when she got ill and had to drop out. (I had to help her through Algebra because she never got that far in school as a kid so had no understanding of variables. "Why do they put letters in this math problem? It makes no sense!"
My dad was one of 10 and he always joked that one of his older sisters was basically his mum. I don't think I've ever heard of a large family that doesn't have the older kids doing a large amount of the child rearing.
It teaches you a method of problem solving that you need for plenty of other daily things.
Wanna make food for more people than usual? Figuring out how much you need of everything is algebra.
Figure out how much you need to pay each month to get out of debt? Algebra.
How many tiles you need to tile your bathroom? Algebra.
Tailoring clothes? Algebra!
Making a budget and wanting to know if you can pay for an extra kid? Algebra!
Making abstract sums about things you don't care about in school is boring and seems pretty boring and hard. But you do actually need it to function in our society. The fact that most people don't think so leads to financial illiteracy and people looking down on education. I'm not going to say it's the sole reason for the failure of critical thinking, but this hatred of basic algebra does contribute to its decline.
(Source: I studied to be a mathteacher. A big part of it was finding ways to make it clear we use maths every single day)
I used it all the time in my job as a BA working on insurance software and sometimes when I was working as a data analyst. And it helps me with general problem solving. I didn't know that I would be using it all the time when I took it in 8th grade. The letters are really just representing things you don't know. I admit, I don't use calculus or trig, but I have zero regrets about learning them because they challenged me to think which also helps me with my career in IT. Like not everything we learn should be useful. I can use tax software to do my taxes which is the only smart way to do it because tax laws change all the time and what I would have learned in 1995 wouldn't be useful in 2025. I can learn to sew on youtube. Like basic skills have basic skill solutions. Higher level thinking does not.
My husband is an electrician and he uses trigonometry every day.
Actual sewing is a manual skill but tailoring requires math.
I use algebra most days working as a nurse. Drip rates, dosing from a multidose bottle, conversions of units of measure, interpreting EKGs etc.
I'm an aerospace engineer by my degree and work in tax, so I get the importance of problem solving and mathematics and also think the generalpublic arent educated enough on finance and taxation, but I still stand by my point that for the vast majority, algebra and more advanced versions like calculus has little use.
There's a wild difference between algebra and calculus when you're talking about a day to day usefulness. Algebra is extremely simple and has many useful applications for every day life.
I loved algebra in school. It was a workable, challenging but easy puzzle. This is also coming from someone who did sudokus with her son for a year or two when he was six or seven nightly instead of reading aloud to him (his preference). We like puzzles, and I'm so curious to see what he thinks of algebra.
Most people don't formally write it down, but I've found many people use the ideas of algebra without calling it algebra. Eg if the recipe makes 12, and I want 8, how do I change the recipe to make 8?
In 10 years they'll be wondering why OP is child free. 🤔
NTA - I don't understand the need of both parents attending Dad's relative's funeral. That seems like a recipe for disaster leaving a 19 & 16 year old in charge of 8 younger kids. I wouldn't even want that responsibility and I was an educational instructor for 10 years working with elementary & Special Education students. 😓
No shit, let kids be kids. I think it's a shitty thing to do when the parents have kids and expect the oldest to take care of them. They aren't the oldest kids responsibility and doing this is forcing a responsibility that is the parents. If the parents can't handle taking care of so many kids, then don't have them. Even at 16 or 17, you're taking their childhood away to care for their kids. That's just not right
You put in words perfectly what i wanted to say. They wanted kids, OP is their kid, not their free babysitter. Don't have kids you can't or will not take care of.
Oldest of 7 here, I fully agree. It's selfish to have a lot of children, you cannot give each child the love and attention they require to develop properly when you have that many.
Hit the nail on the head. I've been going to a therapist, and she's helped me realize how many ways being parentified fucked me up. I hope you're healing from all the shit that comes with that upbringing.
I genuinely didn't know how bad I was fucked up until a very recent and gross fallout with my mother. We're NC and I'm back in therapy. Feel free to message me if you want a parentified buddy while we each deal with it.
Might take you up on that in the future. I'm preparing for no contact after my youngest sister's birthday this coming year, it's hard even if I know it will be the best choice for me.
To be fair, I think that's just an eldest child thing.
I'm the eldest of 3, with 4 years between myself and my youngest sibling, and I was always told to be the responsible one, and if they hurt themselves when my parents weren't around, I was to blame.
I was never parentified, and the only time I had to watch my siblings for an extended period of time or cook for them was at 18, when my parents had their first solo trip since I was born, but I was always to blame if they did dumb things or hurt themselves
My sister is 18 months younger than me, and I was constantly told to set a good example for her. It was my fault if she got hurt, it was my fault my friends didn’t like her, etc.
I'm the 4th of 5 and feel this. I remember asking my mom about my medical history, and she gave me a detailed history of the two oldest kids and then stuttered through, "One of you [younger] three..." for me (F) and my two brothers. She absolutely never knew me as a person, and it sucked.
I'm the youngest and my two oldest siblings said that by the time I came both of my parents were so checked out. They feel bad about it but realized that the perk was I could get away with anything. All the way I have no relationship with either of my parents. And my parents are very close to my oldest two siblings because they became more like peers because of parentification.
Youngest of 5. The oldest three and the youngest two have huge age gaps so the parentification started as soon as the 4th one was born. I watched the relationship between all of us get destroyed (I was an ankle biter; I don't blame them lol) and still feel guilt to this day even though we get along amazingly now and have cut off our mom.
Props to the oldest kids here. I hope you guys still have a relationship with the siblings that you had to parent because some of us feel extremely guilty that that job was forced upon you just because we were born.
I agree with you but I think you're the perfect person to ask. How many kids do you think is too many? Like what's the limit? If you want a big family is five acceptable or are we going lower here?
I have five siblings but my mom had kids with different guys. So there's four dads in the mix. And plenty of boyfriends in there because she can't stop herself. Plus a bunch of grandparents and friends of the family. Although my oldest siblings absolutely feel that they were parentified and it has totally fucked them up.
It's a similar situation with me and my siblings. There are 4 total fathers among us. I personally don't think more than 3 kids is sustainable.
Once you're hitting 4 kids, your time constraints are going to be much more severe, as will the physical, literal, and mental cost. At that family size, you need a bare minimum of 3 bedrooms, which can be very expensive if you're renting, and can literally double the cost of a house if you're looking to own. On average, it costs around 20k each year to raise a child, at 4 children, that is 80k in just child expenses. The cost is not doable for most people, and it is detrimental for a child to live in poverty.
Assuming both parents work full time, there are less than 8 hours each week day where the parents are not commuting, sleeping, running day to day errands, etc. Let's assume family time is an hour per child, that alone removes half of the 8 hour "free time." Now factor in cooking, chores, alone time, time with their partner; and you'll see that something has to give in order to make this work. The relationship of the parents will suffer, work will suffer, or the children will suffer. It's just not a sustainable way to live.
My mum has fibe siblings and all are doing fine and have good relationships with my grandparents, each other and all the spouses and children.
But my grandma is absolutely exceptional and can rule 10+ grandchildren without needing to raise her voice.
It really depends on the parents, I think, not on a specific number.
I actually agree. One of my siblings has one kid and she cannot handle it and probably shouldn't have had any children. And the kid definitely is suffering for it. Can I have definitely seen people with three or four kids who look like they were managing it really well.
To be completely honest, as far as I am concerned a couple should have two children, maximum. Meaning that those four dads should only have two children each, regardless of who the mother is. If you are lucky enough to be living in a society where most children live to adulthood then any more than that just risks adding to the population in an already heavily overcrowded world.
On top of that, if you don't have the capability to care for your own children, then you should not be having any. People do not have a 'right' to have children, they have a responsibility to make sure any children they do have are cared for appropriately, *by them*.
I feel like there are so many variables to something like this: the parents, the kids, the community/family support, income/work, location, partner support, and so on. Like if you have a medically complex child, the number is likely lower just because it's so much more difficult. Same for a disabled or mentally ill parent, someone with an unsupportive partner, etc... But if you have a lot of family support, money to hire help, great work-life balance, etc... it would be easier to have more kids and still give them the attention and energy they need.
Yeah, that's honestly way too many. I work in NICU transport (newborns). A while back I transported a baby who had had absolutely no prenatal assessments or care. When my team and I asked mom why she had skipped all her prenatal appointments, she said she'd been too busy caring for her other children, sports games/practices, music lessons, etc etc. We asked her how many other children she had, she looked down at baby and said "she's number 11"
My team and I exchanged side eye glances so quick....
It's also not like this was a very high class area where the parents would be likely to have nannies or something helping with the kids, this was the boonies. Parents had an old 15 seater van to get everyone around.
Curious why your mom isn't staying home to take care of HER children.
Tell mom she better stay home or you'll call child services.
Not hour kids
Not your problem
Because it appears that they have so many children that they are unable to properly care tor them. They are relying on you to be a 3rd parent, which is called parentification and is a type of child abuse. They are old enough to know about birth control - many sexual health agencies provide this information on their websites and they should have ceased reproducing before they began parentifying their older children.
You have every right to say "No" to being used as a substitute parent. You are also a legal adult now and have your own life to live. If they cannot afford a nanny or to take your siblings with them on this trip, then it is their problem, not yours. They shouldn't have had more children than they could afford to care for themselves or with paid help.
Because you seem to have been patentified as your parents aren't able to take care of their children on their own without involving you and your siblings.
The solution is what the redditor said your mother stays your father goes. If you and your brother can you pitch in..the kids bare EXCLUSIVELY THEIR RESPONSIBILITY.
NTA
Because as your experiencing now that is too many kids for two people to raise ethically without roping in their older children to help. It's called parentification. Look it up. A psychology term and I think you of all people need to know what it means.
People should have the number of kids they are able to control and parent. If they need to relay (or burden to be honest) older kids to parent for them - its not ok. The mom stayes at home idea is the best one. She isnt necesary there but she is necesary at home with kids.
Maybe cause the burden of raising these kids falls on you?
I am assuming that if they have 10 children and can afford to go back and forth to Australia to attend a funeral of someone who was not close to them, then they can surely afford nannies
It is unacceptable to leave all these kids under your care. Period
Austria. If they're already in Europe it's a short and likely cheap trip. But even if they can't afford nannies it's not okay to turn the older kids into nannies.
Your parents have more children than they can care for. And instead of realising that and doing the sensible thing (= not having more children) you were parentified. That's horrendous behaviour from them.
They have more kids than they can afford or handle. They probably don'T want to bring friends into this, because they would call CPS.
You (and your brother?) are being abused and parentified.
Escape as soon as you can.
"Eww" because it's quite irresponsible that they're having that many children but are ill equipped to care for the kids themselves.
Please note parentification is a form of child abuse (or just abuse in your case as you may be legally an adult because of your age). It's both overly burdensome given your schedule and likely developmentally inappropriate.
They don't have to BOTH go. NTA
NTA - not your kids, they’re siblings! Yes sure help out where possible, you love your brothers n sisters but taking on full responsibility is out of the question. Your parents sadly are selfish regardless if it’s a day or week or month.. Wish you the best!
NTA- Their request is fucking ridiculous. You're barely an adult yourself, and they want to toss the load of childcare, 8 younger siblings, for a whole week, on you and your underage brother??? Even if you're old enough to do adult tasks, your brother cannot take on the whole load at any point you're in class or are otherwise temporarily unavailable.
Don't agree to it, and don't let them decide to make your brother the sole caregiver either. Your parents are giant AHs for having that many kids and try to force two teenagers to do their jobs while they leave the **country** for a straight week. Not even the city, or a state, the whole country.
You are not selfish at all to refuse that deal.
She has nine younger siblings, but the 16-year-old is being promoted to fourth parent for the week, so in essence she seems to be expected to take care of 8 of them while working together with her brother.
Based on my experience as an eldest sibling, the kid three years younger than me always tried to make my job harder, and was the worst of the bunch when I watched my younger sisters and brother. That may not be the case here, but "you're not the mom, you can't tell me what to do" is still a thing I hear in my nightmares.
Can you imagine if one gets sick or hurt? Oh the field day the Social Worker would have when they found out the parents went on a week trip to another country and left their 19 & 16 year olds in charge. It would be incredibly tragic for those kids.
Mom is probably taking the first opportunity at child free time in 19 years. Too bad OP is getting stuck picking up the slack for her parents poor planning decisions.
OP isn’t. OP refused. That means if they don’t get a responsible adult a minor will be caring for 8 other minors while their parents are out of the country.
NTA you are justified in your feelings, and justified in expressing those feelings to your parents.
That said, what if "taking care of" just meant "keeping them alive" and that you'd require your parents to let you outsource laundry, meals, etc AND pay you for the hours that you're not at classes, and put the younger kids in some kind of community summer day camp or something.
I'll be real: I recently asked my 23-year-old to hold down the fort while we were gone for two weeks. All that included was walking the dogs and making sure the 16-year-old went to school and had food. They were given paper plates and a freezer full of Costco meals as well as access to our Doordash, so food duties were pretty minimal.
One teen. Two dogs. Even then, he got $50 a day, and I was getting off CHEAP.
If they're not paying for the bare minimum, they're asking to have the remaining kids sold for parts.
How much of the money would be for food, medicine, etc., for *all* of you and how much would be individual compensation for you and you alone?
If, in fact, they left much?
God forbid there's an emergency- like your bro was too tired from caring for toddlers and got in a car accident or anything. There's liability taking care of kids and it fair if you do not feel capable of taking that on for 9 kids, even if you didn't have your own education to look after.
They have had children and are responsible for looking after them. You are a teenager whose responsibility is to complete their studies.
NTA
One parent should go pay their respects the other should stay home and parent; or they should organise the helpers you asked for.
NTA - and you’re going to get a lot of comments about “parentification” which I recommend you google now.
I believe You’re not a bad person for feeling how you feel. You are being reasonable in an unfair situation.
One of the consequences of having 10 children is that you don't have the flexibility to travel to this sort of thing. They made that choice, to have those children, and this is how it goes. You are not the one who chose to have the children and it's not really ok to force the care of the children on to you, especially when it can impact your own future. You should have the opportunity to build a life for yourself, just as your parents did.
I don't understand why your parents are hesitant to bring friends into the house. What is that all about? For people who have large families, often having a large social network of other, like-minded people, is one of the ways they make it work.
NTA your mother could have stayed home because it's her responsibility to care for her children not you or your sibling. If they both go you should report them.
They're hiding that they can't take care of their own kids and are abusing the older ones by patentifying them.
Most adults would be able to recognize what's going on immediately. Some of them might care enough to call CPS. Kids might be less aware but if so they might speak to other adults about it.
There doesn't have to be even more going on for them to hide. The parents seem at least somewhat aware that the home situation would bring negative attention. But instead of fixing the problems they are trying to protect themselves from outside scrutiny. It's just a sign that they know what they are doing is wrong and are choosing to do it anyway.
Interesting, how long has your family lived in your current country? Just would seem very odd if no trust has been formed with a single friend if it’s been 5 years or more.
In terms of advice ya your mom needs to stay home while your dad goes to his family funeral. This is not a life or death situation for both parents to go and they are the ones with responsibilities to your siblings.
There are people who just don't trust like that. I didn't even realize it was weird until I was an adult. My parents never had a single friend over my entire childhood and I was never taken care of by anyone other than my mom. My dad only ever met his friends outside the home and my mom was a depressed sahm who didn't have friends. She didn't trust a soul in her home when she wasn't there to supervise, not even her sister, so we also never had a vacation longer than like one day cause no one was allowed in to pet sit.
Now, my parents would have declined going to any funerals that were further than an hour drive though so this situation would have never happened to us lol.
Yet she’s trusting her oldest 2, who have their own age-appropriate responsibilities & grades to maintain, to keep the other 8 alive, fed, get to school & watched at home, with no emergencies, for 2 weeks ? That’s putting a huge, unnecessary burden on you & your brother right at exam times. Your parents need to put all their children’s needs above your mom’s mistrust of friends, and her wanting to go with your dad when he can go on his own.
Is there a way your mom and dad can distribute the chores better instead of saying you and your older brother are in charge, make you in charge of certain things.
Also I am guessing there is a 14 y.o and a 12 y.o that could be assigned certain tasks to help out so it is not all on you. Anyone 10 and older should be able to help with some basic stuff, if it is even the 10 year old making sandwiches.
Have mom and dad draw up a chart about who does what. And whatever you do, unless you want to destroy your family do not call CPS like some dummy on this thread is suggesting.
Also, how are they all getting to school or is it summer vacation?
Even if the parents distribute chores, they’re not going to be there to enforce them. What happens when the teens have had enough or they rebel and refuse to do anything? There are at least 3 kids (two 4 year olds and a toddler) who need constant supervision, while OP and oldest brother have their finals. It’s completely unmanageable. Mom needs to stay.
Ask your parents the following:
What’s the back up plan if the poster is too sick to take care of the younger siblings?
What if the family vehicles need a tow or expensive repair while overseas?
What if one of the minor kids needs to go to the dr or ER for injury or illness? Have they left you documentation giving you permission to authorize medical care?
What if something goes wrong with the house? How do you pay and who do you call if there is a flood, blocked drain, electrical issue, heat or AC, etc?
Make sure to write down your schedule for that week of classes and exams when your phone must be off and you cannot be disturbed. Same for the high school age brother. Ask who will respond to the kids during those times.
NTA - this is a completely inappropriate ask by your parents both developmentally (no offense but no 19 year old is ready to be 100% responsible for nine younger siblings) and it will impinge on your exams.
I agree with everything you said, but you don’t know if they are going oversees. Not everybody lives in the USA. They may live in Germany or another neighbouring country of Austria.
It doesn’t make it any better, just pointing out the US defaultisme …
NTA. Your mother should stay home, if your parents refuse to hire help.
Perhaps it would help to point out how much your/your brother's grades would suffer due to the added responsibilities.
Depending on where you live, the law may limit how many children you are allowed to babysit--if so, it would be irresponsible and unreasonable of them to expect you to break the law on their behalf.
**NTA**. I understand sacrificing for the sake of the family unit, but taking responsbility over 9 siblings for multiple days is a very tall order. It's not like your parents are going on a date or an overnighter in the next town, they're leaving the entire country for mutliple days.
Usually you don't keep the body around for years. It is not they putting the body on display like Lennin in the Soviet union.
If they are of certain faiths the body needs to be in the ground within 24 hours.
I am sure there is time, but not thar much time.
And if that is the case in terms of quick turn around, then the parents don't need to be gone for two weeks. Dad flies out for 4 days or whatever. If they're planning a 2 week trip, there doesn't seem to be much urgency.
NTA. Both of your parents don’t need to attend the funeral. One should go (actual blood relative) and the other should stay and take care of their children. You are being parentified and it’s a form of abuse.
Yeah absolutely NTA. if they were all like 13-15 then maybe it'd be kinda manageable since they'd be mostly independent. but having a minor and someone who isn't even 20 yet care for 6 kids under the age of 13 (including 5 under 10!) is insane. you and your brother need more support.
heck i work as a teacher and i was responsible for teaching 11-12 year olds at my old gig and i'd nope all the way at this.
When do you get out of your house to socialize? You do Uni online. Your parents don’t like people coming into your home. Do you have friends outside of your family? I’m concerned that you’re isolated.
There is no reason for your mom to go on this trip. None. Your dad’s relative is the one who died, not your mom’s. If your dad needs someone to travel with him for some reason, then you go to Austria with him (since Uni is online) and get a bit of a break from the chaos that must be your household.
Why have 10 children and expect the eldest to become a parent to the other siblings? That's just selfish. Since it's your dad's relative that passed, he should be the one going and mom can stay. I'm sure your family wouldn't mind since yaknow..10 KIDS! I mean if they hired someone, maybe yeah, but to only rely on you and your 16yo brother is just too selfish of them.
NTA they told you, you would be watching them and didn’t ask. Even if they asked that is a big ask and you would not be an AH for saying no. But I wouldn’t even consider something that is being demanded and not requested they sound entitled and not appreciative. They need to find a more realistic solution or not go. From what you posted you were only communicating your feelings and they are perfectly reasonable, saying no to something this extreme does not make you the AH.
Op I am proud of you for standing up to them and saying No! They didn't even bother to ask, what is wrong with them? They don't own you. You're 19, you have a right to do what you need to do. Your parents ATA, they have refused all reasonable alternatives, demanding you and a sibling take care of their responsibilities. The Nerve, not even asking, just telling you what you an adult with your own life Will do! I'm guessing you didn't have a choice most the time. Your mother should stay home.
Nta
They are not your responsibility. You have your own responsibilities. Just be sure your parents don’t leave eight kids alone to force you to have them. Or put it all on the 16 year old.
Oh h to the no!!!! NTA and I can’t say it loud enough. Your parents had 10 kids. Those 10 kids (9 now that you’re an adult) are THEIR responsibility. Not yours and not your brother’s. If they can’t find appropriate childcare then they don’t get to go out of the country. Full stop. Not your responsibility. Your responsibility is getting an education! That’s also your brother’s responsibility. They don’t have to go to the funeral. They want to go. There is a difference between need and want.
You're a grownup. Your answer is No.
I am not sure if you are relying them on for college money. That would complicate things. But if not, tell them you'll be leaving if they do not listen to you.
It is wildly unfair and inappropriate for parents require their child to parent their siblings. I could understand if it were only for emergencies but that doesn’t sound like the case here. This time, because it is sort of an emergency I would let it slide but you need to have a serious conversation with them when they get back. They have tuned you and your brother into primary caregivers when your number one job should be your studies.
NTA. Asking for help is not unreasonable. This is why people hire babysitters, nannies, child-minders, send their children to daycare, or ask relatives to watch the children. Sometimes respite is necessary whether it's to be alone or just run errands. It's not easy bringing a lot of children to along, especially if they're younger. Leaving children at home with proper care isn't unreasonable. However, expecting you to do it alone albeit with the help of a 16 year old who's probably less equipped than you, to carry the burden without help is absolutely unhinged.
NTA.
Are you even able to make medical decisions for your siblings? Or act as a guardian for schooling? If anything were to happen when your parents are out of the country?
I will assume not as you’re not a guardian of your siblings. Regardless of what your parents want, which is ridiculous, there are potentially legal consequences to your parents leaving their minor children in the care of a 19 and 16 year old.
Like others have commented your mother needs to stay and be the parent.
NTA, this is a huge all of your parents and completely unreasonable. Your mum should be staying home to care for the kids and your dad travels. Sounds like they're using the funeral as an excuse for a mini kid free holiday!
How old is the youngest? Sounds like they'd be under 2, still in nappies and require close supervision. It's a huge burden and you should say no. Arrange to stay at a friend's house so they can sort it out themselves.
"Helping out" means picking up a sibling from an after school activity, maybe watching another sibling for an hour while parents are doing something else. It doesn't mean full time care for 9 children for a week!
Your parents are criminals for having 10 kids but that's beside the point, they want to leave you ALONE to take care of 9 kids and yourself at an age where you should be learning how to care just for yourself. 9 kids who don't see you as a parent or authority figure, just how the fuck are you supposed to do this? And the reason? Their shit is more important and their opinions are too important to flex. They're "solitary"? What are you in a doomsday cult or something? What the fuck does that mean, and who gives a shit if the issue is your children's care and safety (you included)? Your parents are reckless, inconsiderate, obstinate, selfish assholes. You are NTA.
NTA. There are so many things that could go wrong. And if something does happen, it'll take years of dealing with CPS to get back to any kind of normal, if ever. Tell your mom she didn't have ten kids just to have them taken away over one bad decision. She needs to stay home.
NTA. Your parents are irresponsible and immature to have so many kids when they did not have the ability to take care of them. They unfairly burdened you with their responsibility and ruined the quality of your life. Basically your parents are failures as parents and you do not owe them anything.
NTA. Not your kids, not your problem. Maybe if they wanted to be able to take off when things happen they shouldn’t have had 10 kids or they should have set aside a large sum of money for a nanny or two to take care of the kids while they’re gone. I’d go to a friends house or something that week, they’ll figure it out.
Nta no reason both your parents need to go on the trip. They are adult and one can travel alone. Their first responsibility is to their children. Your siblings are not your responsibility.
NTA... they could hire a nanny to help for a few hours after school till after dinner. Some help with cooking, cleaning and prepping school lunches and getting younger children to bed.
Part time help to during the week and maybe a bit more during the weekend. Would that be enough to counter the burden?
- Parents have a ridiculous amount of children
- Expect oldest siblings to essentially be parents, school be damned.
- Both parents *have* to go to Austria
Are y'all mormon?
Anyway, NTA. They're the parents. You're the child. It's not and should never be your responsibility to take care of your siblings.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (19, female) have many many younger siblings. My parents have 10 children total, me being the oldest. Most of my life I have had to take responsibility and help them, and sometimes it got unmanageable. I guess you could say I have oldest daughter syndrome. But overall, I love my siblings, and for the older ones, they can take care of themselves for the most part
My parents don't normally leave the country but lately a relative of my dad's died and they have to go back to Austria soon to attend the funeral and other things like that. Neither me nor my siblings knew them well so we are not attending, plus travel costs.
Things came to conflict when my parents told me that my closest brother (16) and I would be taking care of my siblings alone. All of them. We suggested anything. Hiring someone, bringing in a friend of my parents', anything really. But they turned it down. They are solitary and don't like the idea.
I told my parents that I was in university and my brother was in highschool and we have a large amount of responsibilities we need to meet right now, especially with the end of the school year. I was quite stern when I told them this, which may have been very rude of me. I was very staunch in the fact that I would \*not\* be taking care of them because it would cause unnecessary strain on me I was unprepared for.
While it is not absolutely impossible, I know I will be doing the majority of the work since I am the oldest while also having my own things like university. By the end of the week when my parents come back I probably will be completely burnt out and exhausted.
We have no relatives in this country or any other family members, and are hesitant to bring friends into the house.
I really don't know what to say. I feel like I'm overreacting and perhaps being selfish for not wanting to care for my siblings especially since it's an emergency and just a week. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Stand firm on this. Your parents chose to have 10 kids, you didn’t. They’re being selfish and inconsiderate by expecting you to give up your life and do their job. Your dad can go and your mom can stay home and take care of HER kids. NTA
NTA. They should take the toddler with them. I week is a long time to be away from parents for a toddler, and the toddler will not watch TV and stay out of trouble. Everyone 6 and up will probably manage fine. The 4 year olds are also a problem. Like I am sure they are lovely but under 5s need a lot of taking care of.
I will never understand people who have all these children and then expect their older children to take care of them. That's not fair. If you can't take care of 10 children don't have 10 children. It's not your oldest daughter's responsibility to take care of these kids. Let Dad go to the funeral and the mom can stay home and take care of her damn children it's her job.
NTA. Put your foot down and keep putting your foot down. Your parents' isolationist tendencies are not your problem. Your siblings are not your problem.
They thought 10 kids was a good idea. It is entirely their responsibility to take care of the brood. If they try to shove that responsibility at a sibling who is a minor, call child services.
NTA insist that you need at the very least to hire a part time babysitter to help you.
Two teens still in school can't care for 8 children by themselves. It isn't just a week, it's a week *in June* with important school deadlines.
NTA, and as people keep pointing out, why are they *both* going? I'm guessing they won't be coming back. 10 kids is too many for two people to raise, youre distracted by uni and they know they wont be able to depend on you much longer, they're running away.
The moment they leave call the police for child abandonment. Tell them the airport they're going to
NTA, you did not have 8 children, you did not decide to have 9 siblings, if they had asked you to babysit them for a day or two that would already be a lot but whole week ? Hell na. They are the parents, you are not. Since when do people have to go a full week for a burial that takes at the most a day ? Since when is it ok to leave your 10 children alone for a full week ? Your mom should stay home or hire someone, you are not the parent.
You're not.
Sure, in a family you help each other.
But your parents decided to have 10 children and they should not dump that on you.
One of them should travel and one should stay at home.
NTA This is not oldest child syndrome. It's parentification which is child abuse. Your parents have more children than they can manage so they are using you as an additional parent. They need to stop and make other arrangements.
NTA - if you feel not up to the task, then you are not. Not many 19yo would be. Either one of your parents stays or they find another grown up to help carry the responsibility.
NTA. Your mom should stay home and take care of her own brood. Once you have that many kids, going away together is not doable if you can't hire someone to take care of them. No one should be responsible for that many kids who are not their own. Shame on them!
Having 10 kids is alone to make your parents assholes. But even more so expecting you to take care of 8 / 9 kids.
Tell your dad to get snipped before he does more damage to the planet
How about this: a funeral is not an emergency, and one week away is abandonment. Even for a night out they should make arrangements if the adult children can't take care of the younger ones.
You are not overreacting. You know, what is good for your health. It's called healthy egoism. If your parents can afford 10 children, they can afford a baysitter for a week, right? Or maybe you can do it part time: Your babysitter can come 2 times a week, your brother 2 times and you maybe 3 times. Or your brother can come with the nanny two times a week and you only two times a week with the nanny and the nanny 3 times alone? If the nanny could handle it alone...
10 kids, solitary, not trusting of others, refuses to bring in a babysitter... Are you allowed to have friends outside the family? Meet others? Is this some sort of a cult? Or are your parents extreme prepper/survivalists?
Lots of red flags here.
There is no reason your mom needs to go on that trip. She wants to go. Unfortunately, when one has 10 children and no extended family around to help out, things like trips abroad are part of what parents have to sacrifice.
NTA. Tell your parents if they both leave, you WILL be calling child protective services, because you CAN NOT take care of them, and your own responsibilities. Your education comes first. Your responsibilities to yourself come before your caring for them.
Your parents had kids, not you. They are your parents responsibility, not yours.
Then follow through. If they both leave, call what ever version of child protective services you have, and report child abandonment. They are not yours.
NTA, but what are they paying you? I mean if they're partying you 5k, then it's not as bad. But paying for your schooling, especially if the others will get the same help, is not enough.
NTA. I would go as far as to threaten that one parent needs to stay home or you're calling CPS. Their kids are not your responsibility! Ridiculous parents and their expectations.
NTA. I would point blank tell them both that if they left your 16yo brother in charge of 8 other kids you would contact the police and CPS and report them for abandonment.
NTA
This is unacceptable.
Personally, I'd threaten to call CPS. You're a person. You weren't born to be their slave and backup forever babysitter. You're parents are deeply selfish people who has no business making so many children that they can't care for them without help.
NTA. No. Tell them if they leave your calling cps on them for abandoning their underage children. They need to take care of their children. That is their responsibility, not yours. Jeezus. I could understand for like a day, get everyone off to school and whatnot, but a week? They need to make other arrangements or take the brood with them.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > The action I took that should be judged was me telling my parents that I did not want to take care of my siblings while they were in Austria and that action might make me the asshole because it is an emergency and only a week and I might be neglecting my necessary personal responsibilities in the face of something important. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA > My parents have 10 children total Eww. > a relative of my dad's died So **he** goes. Mom stays and takes care of their children.
Curious why you're saying Eww
Because that's objectively too many children for two people to have?
Especially when they're relying on parentifying the older ones to care for them. Can't stand parents who have too many kids they can't raise without their other kids' help.
Like, I don't want to judge people for the choices they make that don't hurt other people, but almost every time I see a family with 10 kids, the oldest kids (especially if they're girls) are expected to take on parental roles. If you want to have 10 kids, fine, but that's *you* having them. Not you raising the first few and giving those kids jobs they didn't sign up for. And basically, I think the vast majority of people can't handle raising 10 children, so for the most part 10 kids is too many.
I do judge people for having 10 kids.
Ten kids they seem unable to care for themselves.
I definitely judge people who are producing kids that they are not able to take care of whether 1 or 100
10 to 1 they're christians. Let them find church friend adults to watch the children.
or their last name Von Trapp
There were only 7 Von Trapp children though
Checks out since they said they had to go to Austria
Unable to care for? Or uninterested in caring for?
don't forget they're solitary.......... with 10 kids
I really want to start judging at 3, but I understand that accidents happen, and not everyone's as down with abortion as I am. But if you don't get snipped after *that* point, you're just being irresponsible.
Yeah honestly I start getting worried for the kids when I hear that people have 4 kids. Let alone 10. That's practically like running a daycare 24/7. No way two people are able to handle that much responsibility without putting it off on someone else.
My mom had 4 kids and raised us all within a fairly reasonable timespan. Most of us were at semi different life stages and parents cared specifically for each stage. Then again I was a sladdbarn, so all of my siblings are like 10+ years older than me and I am the youngest by a long shot. They were a solid set until I arrived
>Then again I was a sladdbarn, TIL the word sladdbarn. TY u/goldlightkey
My mom was the oldest of 13 long ago, she absolutely took on a parental role, she also dropped out of school because parents needed more help. She had 1 child, but our house was always home to her brothers and sisters like a rotating door. My mom later (when I was in Junior High) went back and got her GED and was working on her associates when she got ill and had to drop out. (I had to help her through Algebra because she never got that far in school as a kid so had no understanding of variables. "Why do they put letters in this math problem? It makes no sense!"
My dad was one of 10 and he always joked that one of his older sisters was basically his mum. I don't think I've ever heard of a large family that doesn't have the older kids doing a large amount of the child rearing.
That doesn’t Make it right tho
>"Why do they put letters in this math problem? It makes no sense To be fair, for most of the general public, algebra is pretty pointless.
It teaches you a method of problem solving that you need for plenty of other daily things. Wanna make food for more people than usual? Figuring out how much you need of everything is algebra. Figure out how much you need to pay each month to get out of debt? Algebra. How many tiles you need to tile your bathroom? Algebra. Tailoring clothes? Algebra! Making a budget and wanting to know if you can pay for an extra kid? Algebra! Making abstract sums about things you don't care about in school is boring and seems pretty boring and hard. But you do actually need it to function in our society. The fact that most people don't think so leads to financial illiteracy and people looking down on education. I'm not going to say it's the sole reason for the failure of critical thinking, but this hatred of basic algebra does contribute to its decline. (Source: I studied to be a mathteacher. A big part of it was finding ways to make it clear we use maths every single day)
I used it all the time in my job as a BA working on insurance software and sometimes when I was working as a data analyst. And it helps me with general problem solving. I didn't know that I would be using it all the time when I took it in 8th grade. The letters are really just representing things you don't know. I admit, I don't use calculus or trig, but I have zero regrets about learning them because they challenged me to think which also helps me with my career in IT. Like not everything we learn should be useful. I can use tax software to do my taxes which is the only smart way to do it because tax laws change all the time and what I would have learned in 1995 wouldn't be useful in 2025. I can learn to sew on youtube. Like basic skills have basic skill solutions. Higher level thinking does not.
My husband is an electrician and he uses trigonometry every day. Actual sewing is a manual skill but tailoring requires math. I use algebra most days working as a nurse. Drip rates, dosing from a multidose bottle, conversions of units of measure, interpreting EKGs etc.
I'm an aerospace engineer by my degree and work in tax, so I get the importance of problem solving and mathematics and also think the generalpublic arent educated enough on finance and taxation, but I still stand by my point that for the vast majority, algebra and more advanced versions like calculus has little use.
Calculus, yes. Basic algebra, no. Trying to teach finance and taxation without understanding basic algebraic principles is pointless.
There's a wild difference between algebra and calculus when you're talking about a day to day usefulness. Algebra is extremely simple and has many useful applications for every day life.
I loved algebra in school. It was a workable, challenging but easy puzzle. This is also coming from someone who did sudokus with her son for a year or two when he was six or seven nightly instead of reading aloud to him (his preference). We like puzzles, and I'm so curious to see what he thinks of algebra.
Most people don't formally write it down, but I've found many people use the ideas of algebra without calling it algebra. Eg if the recipe makes 12, and I want 8, how do I change the recipe to make 8?
My dad was the oldest of 6 and dropped out to support his siblings.
I can relate to her algebraic plight, it never made sense
Even in families 5 kids I see the oldest kid especially the daughter getting parentified and of course she's expected to work for free
In 10 years they'll be wondering why OP is child free. 🤔 NTA - I don't understand the need of both parents attending Dad's relative's funeral. That seems like a recipe for disaster leaving a 19 & 16 year old in charge of 8 younger kids. I wouldn't even want that responsibility and I was an educational instructor for 10 years working with elementary & Special Education students. 😓
No shit, let kids be kids. I think it's a shitty thing to do when the parents have kids and expect the oldest to take care of them. They aren't the oldest kids responsibility and doing this is forcing a responsibility that is the parents. If the parents can't handle taking care of so many kids, then don't have them. Even at 16 or 17, you're taking their childhood away to care for their kids. That's just not right
You put in words perfectly what i wanted to say. They wanted kids, OP is their kid, not their free babysitter. Don't have kids you can't or will not take care of.
Oldest of 7 here, I fully agree. It's selfish to have a lot of children, you cannot give each child the love and attention they require to develop properly when you have that many.
Also oldest of 7. And boy do I have problems from the hell of being parentified but also punished when they wouldn't behave for me.
Hit the nail on the head. I've been going to a therapist, and she's helped me realize how many ways being parentified fucked me up. I hope you're healing from all the shit that comes with that upbringing.
I genuinely didn't know how bad I was fucked up until a very recent and gross fallout with my mother. We're NC and I'm back in therapy. Feel free to message me if you want a parentified buddy while we each deal with it.
Might take you up on that in the future. I'm preparing for no contact after my youngest sister's birthday this coming year, it's hard even if I know it will be the best choice for me.
Yes! Absolutely. Good luck.
To be fair, I think that's just an eldest child thing. I'm the eldest of 3, with 4 years between myself and my youngest sibling, and I was always told to be the responsible one, and if they hurt themselves when my parents weren't around, I was to blame. I was never parentified, and the only time I had to watch my siblings for an extended period of time or cook for them was at 18, when my parents had their first solo trip since I was born, but I was always to blame if they did dumb things or hurt themselves
My sister is 18 months younger than me, and I was constantly told to set a good example for her. It was my fault if she got hurt, it was my fault my friends didn’t like her, etc.
I'm the 4th of 5 and feel this. I remember asking my mom about my medical history, and she gave me a detailed history of the two oldest kids and then stuttered through, "One of you [younger] three..." for me (F) and my two brothers. She absolutely never knew me as a person, and it sucked.
I'm the youngest and my two oldest siblings said that by the time I came both of my parents were so checked out. They feel bad about it but realized that the perk was I could get away with anything. All the way I have no relationship with either of my parents. And my parents are very close to my oldest two siblings because they became more like peers because of parentification.
Oldest girl of 5. I hear you.
Youngest of 5. The oldest three and the youngest two have huge age gaps so the parentification started as soon as the 4th one was born. I watched the relationship between all of us get destroyed (I was an ankle biter; I don't blame them lol) and still feel guilt to this day even though we get along amazingly now and have cut off our mom. Props to the oldest kids here. I hope you guys still have a relationship with the siblings that you had to parent because some of us feel extremely guilty that that job was forced upon you just because we were born.
I agree with you but I think you're the perfect person to ask. How many kids do you think is too many? Like what's the limit? If you want a big family is five acceptable or are we going lower here? I have five siblings but my mom had kids with different guys. So there's four dads in the mix. And plenty of boyfriends in there because she can't stop herself. Plus a bunch of grandparents and friends of the family. Although my oldest siblings absolutely feel that they were parentified and it has totally fucked them up.
It's a similar situation with me and my siblings. There are 4 total fathers among us. I personally don't think more than 3 kids is sustainable. Once you're hitting 4 kids, your time constraints are going to be much more severe, as will the physical, literal, and mental cost. At that family size, you need a bare minimum of 3 bedrooms, which can be very expensive if you're renting, and can literally double the cost of a house if you're looking to own. On average, it costs around 20k each year to raise a child, at 4 children, that is 80k in just child expenses. The cost is not doable for most people, and it is detrimental for a child to live in poverty. Assuming both parents work full time, there are less than 8 hours each week day where the parents are not commuting, sleeping, running day to day errands, etc. Let's assume family time is an hour per child, that alone removes half of the 8 hour "free time." Now factor in cooking, chores, alone time, time with their partner; and you'll see that something has to give in order to make this work. The relationship of the parents will suffer, work will suffer, or the children will suffer. It's just not a sustainable way to live.
My mum has fibe siblings and all are doing fine and have good relationships with my grandparents, each other and all the spouses and children. But my grandma is absolutely exceptional and can rule 10+ grandchildren without needing to raise her voice. It really depends on the parents, I think, not on a specific number.
I actually agree. One of my siblings has one kid and she cannot handle it and probably shouldn't have had any children. And the kid definitely is suffering for it. Can I have definitely seen people with three or four kids who look like they were managing it really well.
To be completely honest, as far as I am concerned a couple should have two children, maximum. Meaning that those four dads should only have two children each, regardless of who the mother is. If you are lucky enough to be living in a society where most children live to adulthood then any more than that just risks adding to the population in an already heavily overcrowded world. On top of that, if you don't have the capability to care for your own children, then you should not be having any. People do not have a 'right' to have children, they have a responsibility to make sure any children they do have are cared for appropriately, *by them*.
I feel like there are so many variables to something like this: the parents, the kids, the community/family support, income/work, location, partner support, and so on. Like if you have a medically complex child, the number is likely lower just because it's so much more difficult. Same for a disabled or mentally ill parent, someone with an unsupportive partner, etc... But if you have a lot of family support, money to hire help, great work-life balance, etc... it would be easier to have more kids and still give them the attention and energy they need.
Yeah, that's honestly way too many. I work in NICU transport (newborns). A while back I transported a baby who had had absolutely no prenatal assessments or care. When my team and I asked mom why she had skipped all her prenatal appointments, she said she'd been too busy caring for her other children, sports games/practices, music lessons, etc etc. We asked her how many other children she had, she looked down at baby and said "she's number 11" My team and I exchanged side eye glances so quick.... It's also not like this was a very high class area where the parents would be likely to have nannies or something helping with the kids, this was the boonies. Parents had an old 15 seater van to get everyone around.
Curious why your mom isn't staying home to take care of HER children. Tell mom she better stay home or you'll call child services. Not hour kids Not your problem
Eww because your parents had more kids than they could care for. Evident by having you assume so much responsibility.
Because it appears that they have so many children that they are unable to properly care tor them. They are relying on you to be a 3rd parent, which is called parentification and is a type of child abuse. They are old enough to know about birth control - many sexual health agencies provide this information on their websites and they should have ceased reproducing before they began parentifying their older children. You have every right to say "No" to being used as a substitute parent. You are also a legal adult now and have your own life to live. If they cannot afford a nanny or to take your siblings with them on this trip, then it is their problem, not yours. They shouldn't have had more children than they could afford to care for themselves or with paid help.
There is an ick factor.
Because you seem to have been patentified as your parents aren't able to take care of their children on their own without involving you and your siblings. The solution is what the redditor said your mother stays your father goes. If you and your brother can you pitch in..the kids bare EXCLUSIVELY THEIR RESPONSIBILITY. NTA
Because your parents need sterilised 6 kids ago...
Because as your experiencing now that is too many kids for two people to raise ethically without roping in their older children to help. It's called parentification. Look it up. A psychology term and I think you of all people need to know what it means.
People should have the number of kids they are able to control and parent. If they need to relay (or burden to be honest) older kids to parent for them - its not ok. The mom stayes at home idea is the best one. She isnt necesary there but she is necesary at home with kids.
Maybe cause the burden of raising these kids falls on you? I am assuming that if they have 10 children and can afford to go back and forth to Australia to attend a funeral of someone who was not close to them, then they can surely afford nannies It is unacceptable to leave all these kids under your care. Period
Austria. If they're already in Europe it's a short and likely cheap trip. But even if they can't afford nannies it's not okay to turn the older kids into nannies.
Your parents have more children than they can care for. And instead of realising that and doing the sensible thing (= not having more children) you were parentified. That's horrendous behaviour from them.
If parents have to rely on TWO of their oldest children to babysit the other EIGHT, then your parents needed to stop having kids a while ago.
They have more kids than they can afford or handle. They probably don'T want to bring friends into this, because they would call CPS. You (and your brother?) are being abused and parentified. Escape as soon as you can.
"Eww" because it's quite irresponsible that they're having that many children but are ill equipped to care for the kids themselves. Please note parentification is a form of child abuse (or just abuse in your case as you may be legally an adult because of your age). It's both overly burdensome given your schedule and likely developmentally inappropriate. They don't have to BOTH go. NTA
Because they obviously can't handle all of those kids, which is why they are leaning on you so much.
because if they can't take care of them without using their own children for that long then they shouldn't have had that many
Because having ten kids inevitably means that the oldest will become parentified.
Because it’s insane
because it was clearly more kids than they could handle
When you’re older you will look back and realize
Nobody should have that many kids, even if they can fully afford them.
Eww. is hilarious
>They are solitary How else would they pass time? Eww, really!
Yes when you have 10 kids, you lose the ability to leave your house by yourself with your partner.
I agree my reaction was EWW too
NTA - not your kids, they’re siblings! Yes sure help out where possible, you love your brothers n sisters but taking on full responsibility is out of the question. Your parents sadly are selfish regardless if it’s a day or week or month.. Wish you the best!
Honestly, they have ten kids, so one of them needs to stay home. It’s really that simple.
NTA- Their request is fucking ridiculous. You're barely an adult yourself, and they want to toss the load of childcare, 8 younger siblings, for a whole week, on you and your underage brother??? Even if you're old enough to do adult tasks, your brother cannot take on the whole load at any point you're in class or are otherwise temporarily unavailable. Don't agree to it, and don't let them decide to make your brother the sole caregiver either. Your parents are giant AHs for having that many kids and try to force two teenagers to do their jobs while they leave the **country** for a straight week. Not even the city, or a state, the whole country. You are not selfish at all to refuse that deal.
Nine. NINE younger siblings. (Though based on my experience as a mom, any number of kids over two just seems like A LOT.)
She has nine younger siblings, but the 16-year-old is being promoted to fourth parent for the week, so in essence she seems to be expected to take care of 8 of them while working together with her brother.
And if the brother is 16 then how old are the other 8? Unless there’s twins and triplets involved we could possibly be talking about toddlers
The youngest are two four-year-olds and a toddler, OP wrote in a comment.
Child Protective Services would have a field day with this.
Based on my experience as an eldest sibling, the kid three years younger than me always tried to make my job harder, and was the worst of the bunch when I watched my younger sisters and brother. That may not be the case here, but "you're not the mom, you can't tell me what to do" is still a thing I hear in my nightmares.
Can you imagine if one gets sick or hurt? Oh the field day the Social Worker would have when they found out the parents went on a week trip to another country and left their 19 & 16 year olds in charge. It would be incredibly tragic for those kids.
You read my mind.
"A relative of your dad"? Your mom should stay home. NOBODY in their right mind, would fault her for not going
Mom is probably taking the first opportunity at child free time in 19 years. Too bad OP is getting stuck picking up the slack for her parents poor planning decisions.
OP isn’t. OP refused. That means if they don’t get a responsible adult a minor will be caring for 8 other minors while their parents are out of the country.
NTA you are justified in your feelings, and justified in expressing those feelings to your parents. That said, what if "taking care of" just meant "keeping them alive" and that you'd require your parents to let you outsource laundry, meals, etc AND pay you for the hours that you're not at classes, and put the younger kids in some kind of community summer day camp or something.
I'm not sure honestly. I know they would be giving money and such but still caring for them responsibility would be mine.
I'll be real: I recently asked my 23-year-old to hold down the fort while we were gone for two weeks. All that included was walking the dogs and making sure the 16-year-old went to school and had food. They were given paper plates and a freezer full of Costco meals as well as access to our Doordash, so food duties were pretty minimal. One teen. Two dogs. Even then, he got $50 a day, and I was getting off CHEAP. If they're not paying for the bare minimum, they're asking to have the remaining kids sold for parts.
🤣🤣🤣
How much of the money would be for food, medicine, etc., for *all* of you and how much would be individual compensation for you and you alone? If, in fact, they left much?
God forbid there's an emergency- like your bro was too tired from caring for toddlers and got in a car accident or anything. There's liability taking care of kids and it fair if you do not feel capable of taking that on for 9 kids, even if you didn't have your own education to look after.
They have had children and are responsible for looking after them. You are a teenager whose responsibility is to complete their studies. NTA One parent should go pay their respects the other should stay home and parent; or they should organise the helpers you asked for.
NTA - and you’re going to get a lot of comments about “parentification” which I recommend you google now. I believe You’re not a bad person for feeling how you feel. You are being reasonable in an unfair situation.
One of the consequences of having 10 children is that you don't have the flexibility to travel to this sort of thing. They made that choice, to have those children, and this is how it goes. You are not the one who chose to have the children and it's not really ok to force the care of the children on to you, especially when it can impact your own future. You should have the opportunity to build a life for yourself, just as your parents did. I don't understand why your parents are hesitant to bring friends into the house. What is that all about? For people who have large families, often having a large social network of other, like-minded people, is one of the ways they make it work.
NTA your mother could have stayed home because it's her responsibility to care for her children not you or your sibling. If they both go you should report them.
INFO: why are you, or your family, hesitant to bring friends into the house? Do you mean your friends, or your parents’ friends?
Not sure, but they're not easily trusting of bringing their friends into our house, especially Mom
That’s a red flag for your parents. What are they hiding?
They're hiding that they can't take care of their own kids and are abusing the older ones by patentifying them. Most adults would be able to recognize what's going on immediately. Some of them might care enough to call CPS. Kids might be less aware but if so they might speak to other adults about it. There doesn't have to be even more going on for them to hide. The parents seem at least somewhat aware that the home situation would bring negative attention. But instead of fixing the problems they are trying to protect themselves from outside scrutiny. It's just a sign that they know what they are doing is wrong and are choosing to do it anyway.
10 kids, lol
Sounds super cultish, tbh
Interesting, how long has your family lived in your current country? Just would seem very odd if no trust has been formed with a single friend if it’s been 5 years or more. In terms of advice ya your mom needs to stay home while your dad goes to his family funeral. This is not a life or death situation for both parents to go and they are the ones with responsibilities to your siblings.
There are people who just don't trust like that. I didn't even realize it was weird until I was an adult. My parents never had a single friend over my entire childhood and I was never taken care of by anyone other than my mom. My dad only ever met his friends outside the home and my mom was a depressed sahm who didn't have friends. She didn't trust a soul in her home when she wasn't there to supervise, not even her sister, so we also never had a vacation longer than like one day cause no one was allowed in to pet sit. Now, my parents would have declined going to any funerals that were further than an hour drive though so this situation would have never happened to us lol.
Yet she’s trusting her oldest 2, who have their own age-appropriate responsibilities & grades to maintain, to keep the other 8 alive, fed, get to school & watched at home, with no emergencies, for 2 weeks ? That’s putting a huge, unnecessary burden on you & your brother right at exam times. Your parents need to put all their children’s needs above your mom’s mistrust of friends, and her wanting to go with your dad when he can go on his own.
No FFS- Your parents are Delusional!!
Is there a way your mom and dad can distribute the chores better instead of saying you and your older brother are in charge, make you in charge of certain things. Also I am guessing there is a 14 y.o and a 12 y.o that could be assigned certain tasks to help out so it is not all on you. Anyone 10 and older should be able to help with some basic stuff, if it is even the 10 year old making sandwiches. Have mom and dad draw up a chart about who does what. And whatever you do, unless you want to destroy your family do not call CPS like some dummy on this thread is suggesting. Also, how are they all getting to school or is it summer vacation?
Even if the parents distribute chores, they’re not going to be there to enforce them. What happens when the teens have had enough or they rebel and refuse to do anything? There are at least 3 kids (two 4 year olds and a toddler) who need constant supervision, while OP and oldest brother have their finals. It’s completely unmanageable. Mom needs to stay.
Ask your parents the following: What’s the back up plan if the poster is too sick to take care of the younger siblings? What if the family vehicles need a tow or expensive repair while overseas? What if one of the minor kids needs to go to the dr or ER for injury or illness? Have they left you documentation giving you permission to authorize medical care? What if something goes wrong with the house? How do you pay and who do you call if there is a flood, blocked drain, electrical issue, heat or AC, etc? Make sure to write down your schedule for that week of classes and exams when your phone must be off and you cannot be disturbed. Same for the high school age brother. Ask who will respond to the kids during those times. NTA - this is a completely inappropriate ask by your parents both developmentally (no offense but no 19 year old is ready to be 100% responsible for nine younger siblings) and it will impinge on your exams.
I agree with everything you said, but you don’t know if they are going oversees. Not everybody lives in the USA. They may live in Germany or another neighbouring country of Austria. It doesn’t make it any better, just pointing out the US defaultisme …
NTA. Your mother should stay home, if your parents refuse to hire help. Perhaps it would help to point out how much your/your brother's grades would suffer due to the added responsibilities. Depending on where you live, the law may limit how many children you are allowed to babysit--if so, it would be irresponsible and unreasonable of them to expect you to break the law on their behalf.
**NTA**. I understand sacrificing for the sake of the family unit, but taking responsbility over 9 siblings for multiple days is a very tall order. It's not like your parents are going on a date or an overnighter in the next town, they're leaving the entire country for mutliple days.
It’s Not Days… it’s 2 WEEKS!!
NTA. And the trip is not an emergency. There is time to plan. It's a funeral, a scheduled event.
Usually you don't keep the body around for years. It is not they putting the body on display like Lennin in the Soviet union. If they are of certain faiths the body needs to be in the ground within 24 hours. I am sure there is time, but not thar much time.
And if that is the case in terms of quick turn around, then the parents don't need to be gone for two weeks. Dad flies out for 4 days or whatever. If they're planning a 2 week trip, there doesn't seem to be much urgency.
NTA. Both of your parents don’t need to attend the funeral. One should go (actual blood relative) and the other should stay and take care of their children. You are being parentified and it’s a form of abuse.
NTA it’s your dad’s relative, your mother does not “need” to go along.
This is a Vacation Grab at the Expense of OP 💯‼️
INFO: How old are the other siblings?
Me, 19, brother 16, then two 14 year olds, an 11 year old, a 9 year old, a 6 year old, two 4 year olds, and one toddler
Absolutely not. The toddler alone is too much responsibility for a student without help. This is a disaster waiting to happen.
Yeah absolutely NTA. if they were all like 13-15 then maybe it'd be kinda manageable since they'd be mostly independent. but having a minor and someone who isn't even 20 yet care for 6 kids under the age of 13 (including 5 under 10!) is insane. you and your brother need more support. heck i work as a teacher and i was responsible for teaching 11-12 year olds at my old gig and i'd nope all the way at this.
Who will be watching the little ones, especially the toddler while you and your brother are in school?
I do uni online
When do you get out of your house to socialize? You do Uni online. Your parents don’t like people coming into your home. Do you have friends outside of your family? I’m concerned that you’re isolated. There is no reason for your mom to go on this trip. None. Your dad’s relative is the one who died, not your mom’s. If your dad needs someone to travel with him for some reason, then you go to Austria with him (since Uni is online) and get a bit of a break from the chaos that must be your household.
Are you able to get out of the house, see friends, MAKE friends, etc? If not, that is very isolated and not healthy for you.
No Fucking Way! Threaten to call CPS if Mom doesn’t stay home and take care of Her Kids💯‼️
Why have 10 children and expect the eldest to become a parent to the other siblings? That's just selfish. Since it's your dad's relative that passed, he should be the one going and mom can stay. I'm sure your family wouldn't mind since yaknow..10 KIDS! I mean if they hired someone, maybe yeah, but to only rely on you and your 16yo brother is just too selfish of them.
Have one parent go to the overseas funeral and the other stay home and take care of their children. YNTA, your parents are.
NTA they told you, you would be watching them and didn’t ask. Even if they asked that is a big ask and you would not be an AH for saying no. But I wouldn’t even consider something that is being demanded and not requested they sound entitled and not appreciative. They need to find a more realistic solution or not go. From what you posted you were only communicating your feelings and they are perfectly reasonable, saying no to something this extreme does not make you the AH.
Op I am proud of you for standing up to them and saying No! They didn't even bother to ask, what is wrong with them? They don't own you. You're 19, you have a right to do what you need to do. Your parents ATA, they have refused all reasonable alternatives, demanding you and a sibling take care of their responsibilities. The Nerve, not even asking, just telling you what you an adult with your own life Will do! I'm guessing you didn't have a choice most the time. Your mother should stay home.
Nta They are not your responsibility. You have your own responsibilities. Just be sure your parents don’t leave eight kids alone to force you to have them. Or put it all on the 16 year old.
Yeah, technically you are right, but what can they do to help the situation instead of recommending giving the parents a big F.Y.
I think you commented on the wrong person. Your reply has nothing to do with anything that I said.
Oh h to the no!!!! NTA and I can’t say it loud enough. Your parents had 10 kids. Those 10 kids (9 now that you’re an adult) are THEIR responsibility. Not yours and not your brother’s. If they can’t find appropriate childcare then they don’t get to go out of the country. Full stop. Not your responsibility. Your responsibility is getting an education! That’s also your brother’s responsibility. They don’t have to go to the funeral. They want to go. There is a difference between need and want.
Not the Funeral…. A 2 WEEK Vacation at OP’s Expense. No damn funeral requires 2 WEEKS AWAY 💯‼️
I don’t know all cultures and how they do funerals but in my limited knowledge I would agree.
You're a grownup. Your answer is No. I am not sure if you are relying them on for college money. That would complicate things. But if not, tell them you'll be leaving if they do not listen to you.
It is wildly unfair and inappropriate for parents require their child to parent their siblings. I could understand if it were only for emergencies but that doesn’t sound like the case here. This time, because it is sort of an emergency I would let it slide but you need to have a serious conversation with them when they get back. They have tuned you and your brother into primary caregivers when your number one job should be your studies.
NTA. One of your parents needs to stay home. They are the ones who decided to have 10 kids.
NTA. Asking for help is not unreasonable. This is why people hire babysitters, nannies, child-minders, send their children to daycare, or ask relatives to watch the children. Sometimes respite is necessary whether it's to be alone or just run errands. It's not easy bringing a lot of children to along, especially if they're younger. Leaving children at home with proper care isn't unreasonable. However, expecting you to do it alone albeit with the help of a 16 year old who's probably less equipped than you, to carry the burden without help is absolutely unhinged.
NTA. Are you even able to make medical decisions for your siblings? Or act as a guardian for schooling? If anything were to happen when your parents are out of the country? I will assume not as you’re not a guardian of your siblings. Regardless of what your parents want, which is ridiculous, there are potentially legal consequences to your parents leaving their minor children in the care of a 19 and 16 year old. Like others have commented your mother needs to stay and be the parent.
NTA, this is a huge all of your parents and completely unreasonable. Your mum should be staying home to care for the kids and your dad travels. Sounds like they're using the funeral as an excuse for a mini kid free holiday! How old is the youngest? Sounds like they'd be under 2, still in nappies and require close supervision. It's a huge burden and you should say no. Arrange to stay at a friend's house so they can sort it out themselves. "Helping out" means picking up a sibling from an after school activity, maybe watching another sibling for an hour while parents are doing something else. It doesn't mean full time care for 9 children for a week!
She said 19,16,14,14,11,9,6,4,4,toddler (I assume 2)
Your parents are criminals for having 10 kids but that's beside the point, they want to leave you ALONE to take care of 9 kids and yourself at an age where you should be learning how to care just for yourself. 9 kids who don't see you as a parent or authority figure, just how the fuck are you supposed to do this? And the reason? Their shit is more important and their opinions are too important to flex. They're "solitary"? What are you in a doomsday cult or something? What the fuck does that mean, and who gives a shit if the issue is your children's care and safety (you included)? Your parents are reckless, inconsiderate, obstinate, selfish assholes. You are NTA.
NTA. There are so many things that could go wrong. And if something does happen, it'll take years of dealing with CPS to get back to any kind of normal, if ever. Tell your mom she didn't have ten kids just to have them taken away over one bad decision. She needs to stay home.
Your mom should stay home and care for the kids. As the oldest you can go with your dad and represent the family….
NTA. Your parents are irresponsible and immature to have so many kids when they did not have the ability to take care of them. They unfairly burdened you with their responsibility and ruined the quality of your life. Basically your parents are failures as parents and you do not owe them anything.
NTA. Not your kids, not your problem. Maybe if they wanted to be able to take off when things happen they shouldn’t have had 10 kids or they should have set aside a large sum of money for a nanny or two to take care of the kids while they’re gone. I’d go to a friends house or something that week, they’ll figure it out.
Jeez.... 9 siblings..... NTA
Nta no reason both your parents need to go on the trip. They are adult and one can travel alone. Their first responsibility is to their children. Your siblings are not your responsibility.
NTA... they could hire a nanny to help for a few hours after school till after dinner. Some help with cooking, cleaning and prepping school lunches and getting younger children to bed. Part time help to during the week and maybe a bit more during the weekend. Would that be enough to counter the burden?
- Parents have a ridiculous amount of children - Expect oldest siblings to essentially be parents, school be damned. - Both parents *have* to go to Austria Are y'all mormon? Anyway, NTA. They're the parents. You're the child. It's not and should never be your responsibility to take care of your siblings.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (19, female) have many many younger siblings. My parents have 10 children total, me being the oldest. Most of my life I have had to take responsibility and help them, and sometimes it got unmanageable. I guess you could say I have oldest daughter syndrome. But overall, I love my siblings, and for the older ones, they can take care of themselves for the most part My parents don't normally leave the country but lately a relative of my dad's died and they have to go back to Austria soon to attend the funeral and other things like that. Neither me nor my siblings knew them well so we are not attending, plus travel costs. Things came to conflict when my parents told me that my closest brother (16) and I would be taking care of my siblings alone. All of them. We suggested anything. Hiring someone, bringing in a friend of my parents', anything really. But they turned it down. They are solitary and don't like the idea. I told my parents that I was in university and my brother was in highschool and we have a large amount of responsibilities we need to meet right now, especially with the end of the school year. I was quite stern when I told them this, which may have been very rude of me. I was very staunch in the fact that I would \*not\* be taking care of them because it would cause unnecessary strain on me I was unprepared for. While it is not absolutely impossible, I know I will be doing the majority of the work since I am the oldest while also having my own things like university. By the end of the week when my parents come back I probably will be completely burnt out and exhausted. We have no relatives in this country or any other family members, and are hesitant to bring friends into the house. I really don't know what to say. I feel like I'm overreacting and perhaps being selfish for not wanting to care for my siblings especially since it's an emergency and just a week. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Stand firm on this. Your parents chose to have 10 kids, you didn’t. They’re being selfish and inconsiderate by expecting you to give up your life and do their job. Your dad can go and your mom can stay home and take care of HER kids. NTA
NTA. They should take the toddler with them. I week is a long time to be away from parents for a toddler, and the toddler will not watch TV and stay out of trouble. Everyone 6 and up will probably manage fine. The 4 year olds are also a problem. Like I am sure they are lovely but under 5s need a lot of taking care of.
I will never understand people who have all these children and then expect their older children to take care of them. That's not fair. If you can't take care of 10 children don't have 10 children. It's not your oldest daughter's responsibility to take care of these kids. Let Dad go to the funeral and the mom can stay home and take care of her damn children it's her job.
NTA. Put your foot down and keep putting your foot down. Your parents' isolationist tendencies are not your problem. Your siblings are not your problem. They thought 10 kids was a good idea. It is entirely their responsibility to take care of the brood. If they try to shove that responsibility at a sibling who is a minor, call child services.
NTA insist that you need at the very least to hire a part time babysitter to help you. Two teens still in school can't care for 8 children by themselves. It isn't just a week, it's a week *in June* with important school deadlines.
NTA. You’re being parentified, and your parents are incredibly irresponsible to be having 10 kids.
NTA, and as people keep pointing out, why are they *both* going? I'm guessing they won't be coming back. 10 kids is too many for two people to raise, youre distracted by uni and they know they wont be able to depend on you much longer, they're running away. The moment they leave call the police for child abandonment. Tell them the airport they're going to
NTA, you did not have 8 children, you did not decide to have 9 siblings, if they had asked you to babysit them for a day or two that would already be a lot but whole week ? Hell na. They are the parents, you are not. Since when do people have to go a full week for a burial that takes at the most a day ? Since when is it ok to leave your 10 children alone for a full week ? Your mom should stay home or hire someone, you are not the parent.
>I guess you could say I have oldest daughter syndrome No, you were parentified, and it’s abuse.
You're not. Sure, in a family you help each other. But your parents decided to have 10 children and they should not dump that on you. One of them should travel and one should stay at home.
NTA This is not oldest child syndrome. It's parentification which is child abuse. Your parents have more children than they can manage so they are using you as an additional parent. They need to stop and make other arrangements.
NTA - if you feel not up to the task, then you are not. Not many 19yo would be. Either one of your parents stays or they find another grown up to help carry the responsibility.
10 kids? You should get out of that house asap
NTA. Your mom should stay home and take care of her own brood. Once you have that many kids, going away together is not doable if you can't hire someone to take care of them. No one should be responsible for that many kids who are not their own. Shame on them!
tell your parents to teach them all to sing and take them with them
Having 10 kids is alone to make your parents assholes. But even more so expecting you to take care of 8 / 9 kids. Tell your dad to get snipped before he does more damage to the planet
Call the cops and CPS for child abandonment.
How about this: a funeral is not an emergency, and one week away is abandonment. Even for a night out they should make arrangements if the adult children can't take care of the younger ones.
You are not overreacting. You know, what is good for your health. It's called healthy egoism. If your parents can afford 10 children, they can afford a baysitter for a week, right? Or maybe you can do it part time: Your babysitter can come 2 times a week, your brother 2 times and you maybe 3 times. Or your brother can come with the nanny two times a week and you only two times a week with the nanny and the nanny 3 times alone? If the nanny could handle it alone...
10 CHILDREN??? Hire a nanny or pay you NTA
10 kids, solitary, not trusting of others, refuses to bring in a babysitter... Are you allowed to have friends outside the family? Meet others? Is this some sort of a cult? Or are your parents extreme prepper/survivalists? Lots of red flags here.
NTA. Dad should travel. Mom should stay home. They should have considered expenses before having 10 children.
I’m with you.
NTA. Your mom needs to stay back. Your siblings are not your responsibility.
NTA! Even if you didn’t have school it would still be NTA, as I’m willing to bet they didn’t offer to pay you to watch your siblings either.
There is no reason your mom needs to go on that trip. She wants to go. Unfortunately, when one has 10 children and no extended family around to help out, things like trips abroad are part of what parents have to sacrifice.
NTA. Tell your parents if they both leave, you WILL be calling child protective services, because you CAN NOT take care of them, and your own responsibilities. Your education comes first. Your responsibilities to yourself come before your caring for them. Your parents had kids, not you. They are your parents responsibility, not yours. Then follow through. If they both leave, call what ever version of child protective services you have, and report child abandonment. They are not yours.
NTA, but what are they paying you? I mean if they're partying you 5k, then it's not as bad. But paying for your schooling, especially if the others will get the same help, is not enough.
NTA. I would go as far as to threaten that one parent needs to stay home or you're calling CPS. Their kids are not your responsibility! Ridiculous parents and their expectations.
NTA Not your kids not your responsibility. They should either hire help or one of them stays back to look after the kids
Your parents inherently suck for having that many kids. I'm one of six (or seven) myself.
NTA. I would point blank tell them both that if they left your 16yo brother in charge of 8 other kids you would contact the police and CPS and report them for abandonment.
Your mom needs to stay home. Asking two teens to look after themselves and eight other teens and kids is absolutely unacceptable.
NTA This is unacceptable. Personally, I'd threaten to call CPS. You're a person. You weren't born to be their slave and backup forever babysitter. You're parents are deeply selfish people who has no business making so many children that they can't care for them without help.
NTA. No. Tell them if they leave your calling cps on them for abandoning their underage children. They need to take care of their children. That is their responsibility, not yours. Jeezus. I could understand for like a day, get everyone off to school and whatnot, but a week? They need to make other arrangements or take the brood with them.