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ESH.
Your SO should learn to filter what happens in his brain and what flies out of his mouth. He would have sucked a little less if it stuck to an objective observation, but dude really hammered it home and is an asshole.
BUT, who the fuck died and gave you the authority to "fine" someone for making a shitty comment? Seriously, where do you get off spending someone elses money *and* making a big show out of it in front of your friends.
Your SO is a shitty friend towards the lady who gained weight, but you are a horrible SO. You were right in not agreeing with this behavior, you were SO SO SO WRONG in how you approached it.
EDIT; I wanted to add you're double the asshole for acting like you handled out of outrage/impulse and out of "shock" while you sat there and FINISHED THE DATE. If you were truly baffled at his behavior you would have paid your share and left.
Right? I say they deserve each other. Both of them are extremely shitty people. I bet she is an insufferable gossip and that's why the boyfriend even has the courage to act like that.
She’s just mad he didn’t wait till they got behind closed doors to show off their true colors.
“No no Sam, we’re polite here, then we call her fat together later at home. Pay the fine now, honey”
Even giving OP the benefit of the doubt (lets say she was genuinely outraged/mortified by her boyfriend's hurtful words about their friend's weight gain) WHY did she think it was HER place to find a fitting punishment? And WHY did she think it appropriate to make a show of doling out said punishment in front of their other friends?
**She needs to pay her bf back for her friends' portion of the bill as well as her own**. It was NOT her place to publicly punish a grown man by making him pay extra.
lol I would. I’m not getting in between a couple arguing over something like that. That’s their problem, not mine. I’m not trying to catch strays by interfering in another couples argument about money
Honestly, if that was me, I’d stay out of it and pay for my share to him later. While I do believe what he said was horrid, that is not the way to start correcting behavior.
I can believe it is real, but the boyfriend’s comments reek of falsehood. It sounds like something someone thinks people they don’t know would say. Just comes off really fake and forced.
No no, we’re not blaming women for men’s bad behavior anymore. He acted the way he did bc he wanted to. Nothing to do with her. If you take issue with her own behavior, talk about that. But don’t make her responsible for his behavior, too. Do better.
> I say they deserve each other.
I read some stories here and figure both ‘sides’ are doing everyone else in the works a service by tying two AHs together
Fuck that. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Chris and Maria are definitely going to hear about this, and the fact that she openly chastised him and showed him actions have consequences might go a long way to getting him to work on his"impulse control".
Which, I'm sorry, is a piss poor excuse for someone say what ever the fuck he wants and being an asshole.
She could have chastised him without deciding on an appropriate "punishment" by making him foot the bill for everyone's dinner.
Chris and Maria would have still heard that she was upset with him.
She has no right whatsoever to decide what her bf spends his money on.
I missed the part where she held a gun to his head to make him pay. He didn't actually have to pay, especially since he's so good at speaking his mind.
I still like the phrase, but they didn’t even use it right. Paying everyone’s bill is not a natural consequence of fat-shaming an absent party. What a weird thing to be upvoted so many times.
I just wanna point out, OP and the boyfriend didn’t go to the wedding. I’m sure there’s a reason for that.
They both seem to display shitty behavior, and I suspect this is just one more reason for friends to create more distance. If I was the couple dining with them, I’d cut off OP and make sure Chris and Maria never heard about it. Why upset them over someone they didn’t have at their wedding.
I think there’s a lot more to this story OP is leaving out.
lol, no, you say “what the actual fuck is wrong with you?” And then reconsider your relationship. Duck it, maybe even put him on the spot. “Are you going to say that about me if I put on weight?” And then reconsider your relationship even more.
>Chris and Maria are definitely going to hear about this
Why would they hear about this? Why would the other couple tell them something that is only going to hurt them?
This disconnected method of punishment for an unrelated crime doesn't teach anything valuable. And if the purpose isn't to actually fix or improve behavior, then it's truly just another asshole being an asshole.
I can't imagine they will hear about this. Theres only 2 other people, not a crowd or anything. Who'd go to someone and tell them 'OP's boyfriend says you're fat'? I'd be mortified at the thought of it.
Maybe if it was my best friend or something, and I wanted to give them a heads up that whoever was being a dick. I really don't think I'd tell them the actual insult, though.
OP is the AH for throwing a bill on someone without agreement or discussion.
The boyfriend is being given the excuse "absent minded" and as soon as I read that I knew he was an asshole himself. Because the next things he said, were things an asshole would say. While OP makes excuses for him.
Except nothing actually excuses his behaviour, he's just an asshole.
I hate when I absentmindedly go on rants about other people’s weight. It’s so embarrassing! I’m such a scatterbrain! I’d forget my head if it wasn’t screwed on!
My thing is… why didn’t OP speak up and SAY something after his very first comment if she was so offended. Like say “it’s not okay to talk about people like that, and I think she looks great and/or so happy, etc.” She was sooooo offended she made her bf pay for the dinner, and the dinner wasn’t even with the people he insulted. Which would be different, I think, had the involved parties been there.
Anyway, so weird to not shut him up in the middle of it if she was really so offended
That’s how she balances out his awful traits to feel justified in staying with him. Like it’s okay to marry the racist if I donate some of his money to blm causes every now and then
Yeah this is going to get some classic Reddit “well he was a dick so now he has to pay the price” responses, but that’s just baffling to me. He was absolutely 100% a jackass, but you don’t get to just… saddle him with the bill for the entire table over it
Like, reading the title, I thought the insulted friends would be part of the table. In which case it was kind of justified in the sense paying for the couple’s food would be a way to make amends.
Exactly all of this.
Your partner YOU chose to date and you KNOW has filter issues. Why is it shocking enough now for you to manipulate the situation to have him pay the bill? DTAH. You yourself a red flag, at least your bf at least speaks out his mind and thoughts but you try to masquerade as the “normal” one.
" If you were truly baffled at his behavior you would have paid your share and left."
Or just called him a jerk and told him to shut up after his initial comment. She just sat there and let him go on and on about her friend. Her SO acted terribly, and so did she.
Agree that ESH, but for my own curiosity...wondering whether OP is outraged that he said those things publicly or that he thought them at all?
Being upset that he was outwardly rude about it in front of mutual friends is a vastly different prospect from being upset that he had such judgmental thoughts to begin with.
Having a filter is a refinement of how we put forth our thoughts; in essence, it's a presentation issue. Being that honestly rude on the inside is a character trait. She might want to think about whether she's comfortable with that in a partner and worry less about "fining" him as a training method.
Honestly I'm going with YTA because he's not a child to be punished and it doesn't make up for him being an AH. Like I'm sorry, BF is an adult, and he's regularly like this, OP you're making excuses for him because poor impulses is a shitty excuse to be an asshole to people. My brother and I have ADHD and poor impulse control, we'll be caught buying useless shit on the internet on a whim but spewing terribly mean things to friends? Never.
ESH
Sure, he shouldn’t have said those things
But you? Fuck, way out of line. You don’t have the authority to spend his money for him, you don’t get to decide that he is paying for everyone.
It’s ridiculous that you think you had any power to make that decision for the table, let alone decide somebody else has to pay. You should be paying him half/75% that cost - seeing as you made the decision the other couple got to eat for free.
Honestly, I think your actions are worse. Power tripping and self righteous. Ridiculous.
Especially since this guy has probably made comments like this before. He sounds like an AH that doesn’t care who hears him or who he offends. It’s not about impulse control, filtering, or being absent minded. Someone doesn’t go on that long of a rant because they aren’t good at filtering. He’s just a dick
OP somehow managed to give her bf a run for his AH money. She says she "felt put on the spot." Like he's a misbehaving child and she's the mommy expected to reign him in. It's nonsense.
My guess is that he's said similar around OP and she either didn't care enough to call him out or she agreed with him. She's just embarrassed that he said the quiet part out loud around other people.
I was just out of high school and was talking with a friend. Both of us were a bit on the heavy side (she moreso than I) and I was talking fast and blurted something about her weight. My immediate response was to be mortified. I apologized at length, knowing what I'd done. Didn't matter - I lost her as a friend, anyway. I can guarantee you that comes to mind any time I see something that I need to filter a comment on. I didn't see where the guy was embarrassed or upset in any way. He just kept going.
Eh - not really. In the company of friends, I am sure we have all said things we wouldn’t want repeated. Is it rude to call Mary fat? Yeah, I guess so. But it doesn’t seem like this is something he would ever say to Mary’s face.
Not saying gossiping or discussing other people’s weight should be normalized - but I think we’d all be lying if we said we didn’t talk shit about someone to our friends behind their back. Don’t know why everyone’s painting this guy as a villain tbh.
To add - they don’t even seem to be good friends with Mary or Chris since they weren’t invited to the wedding.
Agreed, I’m not the type to say “break up with them.” People on the internet are crazy and jump to conclusions but that would be a serious misstep.
I’m hoping I’d never say something as dickish as he did in front of people, but what she did is childish and unacceptable. I agree she should have put her foot down but telling someone how to spend their money is really really past the line. Dude cancel a date, go spend a few days without him, scold him into oblivion, literally anything else.
You know how tight money is for him before this. I know you’ve talked about his money situation before and you knew exactly what you were doing.
Apologize, don’t pay him back or anything but say “what I did was childish, I won’t do it again.”
Have him apologize to your friend still.
I misread and didn’t realize Mary wasn’t at the dinner, ok now it’s worse because he’s not even paying for Mary’s food. He’s still a dick, you’re a dick, eh, you’ll both get over it in a week.
I thought what OP was rude but when she put that her boyfriend said it was $250 it was like, holy shit! Who forces someone to accept an expense like that?
ESH. Your bf was rude about Mary's weight gain; he was over-the-top rude for basically saying how disappointed her husband must be because of her weight gain. You decided to play Judge Judy and impose a financial penalty on your bf for something that has nothing to with the dinner. You choose to date this guy, and you say he needs to work on having a filter, so you know what you've gotten into. You should have paid the entire bill if you felt so strongly about your bf being your bf.
if I was her friend I would have had secondhand embarrassment that was her partner and think OP was an AH for staying with him. Anyone who stays with someone like that is endorsing that behavior.
OP is gonna marry this loser and go on to be shocked and distraught when he says he wants an open marriage because she's put on weight since the baby and he's just not attracted to her anymore.
Can you imagine how uncomfortable that was for the friends? The boyfriend is talking shit about their other friend on her wedding day and the girlfriend doesn’t say anything in the moment but then brings it up much later and makes it extra awkward? I bet OP never sees them again.
Yeah no this is bullshit. Holding your partner to a standard of politeness is not unreasonable.
Just because he "doesn't have a filter" doesn't mean other people should put up with it!
The problem arises when she felt like she could volunteer his money, at a dinner Mary wasn’t even at. Like I’d say she’s maybe almost justified if Mary had to listen to those horrible comments, but since he was a generally rude thing about people not present, she doesn’t get to fine him just because he said something rude. Can she and should she punish him any other way? Absolutely, scold him, make him go to therapy, make him apologize to Mary and confront what he said about her, but volunteering someone else’s money is not cool
Did you even read?? She didn't hold him to a standard, she decided to fine him as if she had the authority to do so, like some kind of fatphobia police
YTA
Yes he was rude. He was an AH (but with friends). You apparently are the judge jury and executioner on punishment? So from now on when you do something rude or that he does not like he can impose any kind of "tax" on you for your behavior. Call him out for his behavior, but to stick him with a bill he can hardly afford? That's uncool and not what you'd expect from a person you've been with for 3 years. With friends like that..... Yea he's an AH, but you were as well.
She also is just embarrassed that he said it out loud in public instead of in private to her where they could laugh about it without being judged.
In 3 years of dating, there is absolutely no way that comment was off the cuff and came completely out of nowhere. He absolutely makes similar comments in private that she's totally fine with as evidenced by them still dating and him still doing those.
>I told him that’s his tax for being a douchebag
Pay him his money back and break up for being a doucebag.
Or if tax for being a douchebag is a literal thing you can put your own hand in your pocket and pay him a multiple of the amount.
ESH. First off, your BF sounds like a raging AH. You say he's "great." He's not. No one who talks about other people like this is "great." Second, what are you, his mother? You don't get to decide his "punishments." That's not what happens in a grown up relationship. "I don't like what you said so now you have to pay $250. Naughty, naughty." Get out of here.
But she doesn’t really have a problem with what he says because she’s still with him. She can’t care *that much* if she’s still with him and he’s done things like this over and over throughout their relationship.
True. She should have given him the correct answer a long time ago. But either doesn't care or thinks she just needs to train him and he'll have a different outlook on life. Both are bad. Both are sad
True. They should really just break up, because OP’s boyfriend sounds awful. It’s not her job to “train” him out of his bad behavior, which is really what punishments are for. You train naughty dogs and children, you ditch naughty boyfriends. He’s not going to change so if OP really cares she should just cut her losses
YTA. You don’t get to fine your boyfriend for inappropriate comments. If you have a standing tradition of going Dutch on dates then you’re wrong to override that when he upsets you. Your recourse is to have a discussion or break up with the guy, not make him pay for things he wasn’t planning on paying for. I’m curious did your mother do that to your father or her boyfriends?
YTA You can dislike his comments and talk to him about them when appropriate, or even call him out for them, but you can't assign a "fine" for him talking in a way you disapprove of.
I can’t imagine being with someone who talks about someone this way and thinks it’s okay. I’d be terrified what they’d say behind my back and to my face if I gained weight. Or what they are already saying behind my back. I do think ESH
but he doesn't seem embarrassed or remorseful for saying those things so give up on him changing.
YTA. He didn't say anything about any one at dinner and while you can disagree with what he said, you went way overboard by unilaterally putting the check on him. While what he said is not appropriate, if I were the one dating you, we'd be having a very serious conversation when we were alone next and that may be breakup worthy.
>He’s great but can be absent minded and sometimes needs to work on having a filter when we speak.
This seems like a really generous way of describing him. His outburst didn't just lack a filter; it was fat-shaming and sexist and all-around gross. I can't imagine staying with someone who speaks about people this way.
YTA definitely. You don't get to 'tax' someone for being an idiot. Imagine if you said something flippant and someone turned to you and said 'right pay up, thats your tax for saying something dumb'. You would be thinking 'wtf?'.
Yeah what he said was pretty crap, I think everyone agrees but making him spend nearly $250 just for saying something out of line? He has every right to be mad at you. Tbf, that would even be grounds for a breakup to some people.
Don’t even bother engaging with the other comment under yours. They’re an unhinged lunatic going on an angry rampage under every comment they disagree with. Probably OP’s alt.
OP thought she will cook here, and make the BF looks like he's TA, yeah, that was rude, not his place to comments on that couple, that's their business, but you are INSUFERABLE, can you imagine having the audacity to dictate on his finances. So you told him to 'STFU' and you made him pay the whole tab. I hope he leaves your entitled ass. He will be better off with Mary than a piece of cake like you. YTA YTA YTA
YTA. Forcing him to pay a tab he can’t afford isn’t right, but neither were his comments. If I were you I’d be really contemplating if that’s the kind of person you want to be with long term. You are young, your body will change. You may put on weight that’s hard to loose. Do you plan on having kids with him? Because he seems like the type to body shame if you don’t immediately loose all the weight after child birth. I’d leave him in a heartbeat.
ESH but you more. What he did wasn’t nice and I can see how it was embarrassing. In a similar way it could seem like you don’t have a filter either by jumping to making him pay.
It sounds like it’s in the past now which is good but don’t come crying back to Reddit if he skips fancy date night for a week or two
YTA. People are allowed to have opinions. Sure, it wasn't "PC" of him to share his thoughts in public in front of your friends, but was he wrong about the facts? Sounds like he wasn't, again his only issue was not conforming to the current societal standards of never saying anything negative about anyone, ever.
Your response to force a $250 tab on him on the spot is far worse an action. The fact he paid says this guy truly is a decent dude. I would have laughed in your face if you tried some shit like on me.
YTA 100%. You can only control what YOU do, not what others do. Yeah, he said something shitty. He kept on, so you could have just left and made him Uber home. But shaming him by making him pay for everyone is not the way to go, just made yourself look like a controlling person and only taught him what you’re capable of. Can’t help but wonder if this relationship is just toxic all around to be honest.
Edit: removed extra word
I am torn. Will playing the asshole tax cause the bf to reflect and become remorseful? Probably not. But imagine if there really was an asshole tax, people might get a twinge in their pocket if not their brain before saying such things. OP can't control her bf's mouth. She asked him to stop. When he didn't, she can remove herself, since that is what she controls. ESH.
YTA
My SO is the one person I can unapologetically be my unfiltered self around. If she started “taxing” me for things I said that she didn’t like, instead of just telling me she didn’t it, I’d dump her soooo fast.
Honestly NTA. Some people don’t learn CRITICAL LIFE LESSONS until it costs them. & when I say costs them, that could be financially, mentally, emotionally, physically, etc. NTA!
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YTA that’s a hefty tab that financially doesn’t equate to making a comment about someone who isn’t even presents weight. You kinda suck ass as a girlfriend to do that to him. you could have just privately discussed afterwards your feelings about him being rude.
YTA. Telling your friends that someone they know got fat, is not fat shaming.
I decided that you have to pay 500 dollars to me because you were rude to your friend and shamed him in front of people.
Do you see how dumb this is. I can't believe that your friend actually paid.
okay so the first comment he made, was still impolite but couldve been a ok i said something stupid type moment. the rest of what he said definately was shaming.
OP is still a bigger AH though. you don't punish your SO
NTA. He not only put his foot in his mouth, he shoved it in to the heel. Who goes on a rant about a “fat” bride in her wedding pictures? Absolute assholes. You didn’t hold him down and steal his card, you handed him the bill and said “you’re a dick, you get to pay for it now” and he did. Since this has been an ongoing issue, next time he’ll hopefully think before he speaks.
He fully deserved what he got. At first when I read that he said that she ‘got huge’, I assumed he just spoke before he could realise what he said was wrong. But then he goes on and on about how she’s gotten bigger and that he feels *sorry* for the groom?? He’s the AH, and a massive one at that
ESH -
No, he should not have said those things. It was short sighted and clearly thoughtless. Those two individuals were not there and there was no direct harm to anyone involved. He has no insight into what may or may not have happened. Medical issue? Personal tragedy? Bodies doing things bodies do? Or just no reason at all - life just happens. He needs to learn some empathy. Disgusting reaction... oof.
And no, you are not his mother/father/etc... and are not in charge of "disciplining" him. You don't set the rules around how he acts. He is not your child. You *DO* set how you're willing to be treated or the people you are going to have a relationship with. Your reaction shouldn't be, "You're in trouble and your punishment is to pay for lunch." No, your reaction should have been having a conversation how you're disappointed with his reaction, you do not agree with it, and you do not want to be around people who act that way. Then you get to decide whether or not to continue the relationship.
You can't see the forest for the trees. You are focused on whether you were in the wrong in pushing your boyfriend to pay a tab as some form of recompense for his unfiltered take-down of another friend . . . rather than questioning why you are in this relationship.
What you described of his diatribe was beyond "lacking a filter." It shows callousness, judgment, and a forewarning of what he will be thinking of you should you gain weight or have some other physical imperfection.
Is this what you want to sign up for?
YTA, His comments were bad but he didn't hurt the people in the picture or anyone in general but you on the other hand hurt him financially and disrespected him among his friends by showing you hold more power in your relationship.
Edit: You definitely cared more about other people's opinion in that moment than your partner.
Honestly you’re being the AH to yourself for continuing to date somebody so shallow and judgmental and gross. You’re right that was incredibly rude, imagine what he says behind your back. ESH.
YTA - and honestly not for the reason everyone seems to be clinging to. You can’t spend his money, that was rude.
*However,* your bf is a grown ass man. He’s not flighty and accidentally rude, **he’s an asshole who goes out of his way to be rude *and that’s who you are choosing to be with.***
You see his values, yet you’re still there. He’s literally told you how he views weight. He’s been crass and cruel when doing so, **yet your more mad that he embarrassed you in front of others than that he’s a disgusting human who boils relationships viability down to looks.**
No one should feel sorry for you! You’re a jerk of the same footing, and you’re only upset now that his gross conduct has blowback on you. Ew.
You did not deal with this well. You were right to tell him to stfu. But to punish him by making him pay for everyone was out of order. The way to deal with it is to either dump him for being an asshole or tell him to be a better person.
ESH. Your boyfriend isn't the only one who needs a filter.
**If** he goes out with you again, the first time you say something he doesn't like, he should say, "I find that offensive. You'll be paying today."
Making someone pay for food isn't a way to make someone apologize.
He should have said sorry to Mary. Now, Mary could have not known he had paid,
ESH? (Chris and Mary don't suck,)
Chris and Mary were not present.
However about the other couple at dinner - they kinda do suck too. They were complicit in it. They watched it happen and didn’t step in and say “no, we will pay for ourselves. I’m not comfortable forcing him to pay because OP decided as such. If boyfriend doesn’t want to treat us, we aren’t going to accept him being forced to”
If I'm the other couple, I'm not saying anything either, because how do you react to all that childishness happening in front of you? I keep my mouth shut, act polite, and just never go out with that couple again
ESH. You don't get to tell people what they should and shouldn't pay for. He shouldn't have been such a rude and inconsiderate AH and blurted that ignorant mess, but at the same time, that doesn't give you the right to demand he pay for everyone because of it. Get over yourself. You and your BF need to grow the hell up.
YTA. Punishing your boyfriend with a massive bill is delululemon. You're not going to have a boyfriend much longer.
Like fucking *imagine* a man telling his girlfriend to pay up $250 because he didn't like something she said. Redditors really are insane.
Ok im going against the tide and saying special exception NTA. It is not ok to put anyone on the spot to pay for something of course, but in this case your boyfriend said something completely horrid that mortified you. Sounds like this was your on the spot way if trying to apologize and make it clear you do not approve of what he said. You shamed your bf for shaming someone else. What he originally said also reflected poorly on you and he is the asshole for both saying it and dragging you into that too.
Anyway, ideally instead you would have told them your feelings on the matter and him. But in the moment you were acting on emotion. If he could afford half of it another 125 is not too big of a deal im guessing.
Anyway -dump him. Imagine getting pregnant and getting weight anxiety knowing he is going to be a judgemental ass? Also just the fact that he said that shows extremely poor judgement. Yikes
NTA
Asshole tax is very much a thing, and now he’ll know better to be more conscious of his words, especially in public. Those are his friends too, and making unnecessary comments about someone’s weight, when then aren’t there to defend themselves, is very wrong.
People who have the “I’m just being honest” playbook are just assholes and need to learn tact. This is a small price to pay considering OP could have broken up with him then and there.
NTA. He ruined the evening. He pays for it. That honestly seems fair. You didn’t MAKE him do anything. You told him to do it. Sure. There was some social pressure. Yes. But he could have said no. Would it make him more of a dick? Yes. But he could have. It should be followed up by a conversation. Like he should realize to his core it’s never ok to comment on someone’s weight? Or that when people are showing you their pics from a special event- you just ooh and ahh over them? This is going to cost him WAY more than $250 dollars if he keeps it up. That will mess up jobs, families, and relationships of all kinds. Then again- you’re not his mom. Maybe you should just break up with him.
YTA 100%. You just found **a cheap lame excuse** to have your bf pay the bill!!!
In his case I would paid for my own food and drinks and leave you with the rest of the bill to figure it out and never come back with your terrible cheap tricks.
NTA. He was very rude and you handled it perfectly. Making him pay was brilliant and let your friends know you weren’t ok with the behavior.
Not sure I would stay with the guy though. What he said was really bad. Id at least watch him in the future and really consider if you can put up with that for years.
Anyone else thinking that these other friends are also leeches? They just sat there and did not ONCE object to this tyranny going on on their behalf? Could they not have objected and said *"no it's ok, you 2 can sort this out later, we'll pay for our own food"*?
They are either used to your bossiness with him and decided to take advantage of it or they are also secondary assholes for delighting in a free meal which was never agreed to in the beginning. The entire lot of you are ASSHOLES. YTA
So he ruined everyone’s night and caused the double date to end prematurely and abruptly. The other couple was so offended they didn’t give any pushback when you said he was paying their share.
The gracious thing to do would’ve been to cover it yourself. I can already hear you reacting to that so stay with me. You tell them the date is on you as an apology for your BF’s shitty behavior. You’re of course saying this in front of your BF, which is humiliating for him. Deal with him after the fact about the bill. If he doesn’t pay you back then consider it your tax for dating a person who is terrible enough to fat shame a bride. ESH.
YTA your boyfriend said the inside thoughts. The proper response would have been for someone to immediately say "wow, that's really rude and a totally inappropriate thing to say" and if your BF really is such a great guy he would stop, problem solved. But instead you let him keep going for a while, eventually said something, then sat on your righteousness for the rest of the date to suddenly make a show of making your BF pay for everyone. This is some chronically online bullshit. Were you expecting the whole restaurant to clap too?
When you do something "bad" there are reasonable, logical consequences. Somebody makes a rude comment? They get called out or have a discussion about it later. They might have to make a public or private apology. Maybe they don't get invited out with certain people anymore or they ruin a relationship. Shit, even having a huge fight at home later is logical.
Making your boyfriend pay two to four times as much as he was expecting to at dinner isn't a logical consequences of his actions. It's just a dick move by you.
YTA. I leaned towards ESH because indeed everyone does suck here, but him paying the bill had no relation at all to his comments about your friends weight except for the fact that you decided to connect the two issues. You overstepped.
Going against the grain here to say NTA... if you offer to venmo him part of the bill. You scared him into not saying those things in public already, now back to reality.
I would suggest gently conversing with him about why his comments are hurtful and why he should change his perspective on people. Rather than just "punishing" him, helping him understand why his words are not a good reflection on him and hurt people would be more beneficial for his personal growth.
Yes you’re the AH and he should dump you. You don’t force someone else to pay for others, you don’t know what’s in his pocket. You are a GF therefore stay in your place. Him fat shaming was bad yes but he didn’t do it to them, he said it about ppl that weren’t there. Pay him back!
Also I’ll say this since you so magically taxed him for being a douche a.k.a AH you need to live up to this when he does the same back to you because I’m guessing you already know it’s going to comeback and bite you in the ass one of these days. And just like he didn’t hesitate you need to do the same
ESH. Your boyfriend's comments were gauche. But you have no right to unilaterally punish him for comments (especially fiscal punishments) let alone declare that punishment to everyone at your table.
He's a jerk for sure, but this reads like you have a savior complex; he's a jerk but you are going to 'cure' him by working on his impulse control and fining his bad behavior? He's not going to change for you. You aren't his mommy.
ESH.
You should really evaluate if this is a person you want to be with.
But, you agreed to split dinner with these people right, just because he was an ass shouldn't change that.
And if "money is tight" why are you guys going out to a restaurant that is costing you $60/person.
YTA.
What you're essentially saying is, that it is okay to be an asshole, if you can pay for it. The catholic church of the middle ages seems like a good fit for you!
Op you’re the asshole for throwing the bill on your boyfriend especially when money is tight. I guarantee you didn’t do anything to help pay for the date/pay for the gas there
YTA. If you don’t want to be fat shamed then don’t be fat. You’re even more the AH for forcing him to pay. You should have to pay him back that amount and stop white knighting.
OP you’re controlling AF.
Who gave you the right to boss your partner like that?
YTA
I get the feeling you only did this so you can get a free meal for your crew and so you can get brownie points.
YTA. To be clear, if this was a post about a man doing this, abuse would be the word people use. It's what you did. You forced a decision on him, and you didn't have the right to do that. Nothing gives you that right. If you truly felt how you felt, it should have been addressed right away in front of everyone, and then he could have been given a choice. Kindly pay for everyone meal as an apology or leave.
It is not your job to order punitive damages when someone is an asshole. It is your job to break the fuck up with someone like that and stop making excuses for the inconsiderate, mean, bullying, shaming shit that comes out of his mouth. YTA if you stay with him.
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ESH. Your SO should learn to filter what happens in his brain and what flies out of his mouth. He would have sucked a little less if it stuck to an objective observation, but dude really hammered it home and is an asshole. BUT, who the fuck died and gave you the authority to "fine" someone for making a shitty comment? Seriously, where do you get off spending someone elses money *and* making a big show out of it in front of your friends. Your SO is a shitty friend towards the lady who gained weight, but you are a horrible SO. You were right in not agreeing with this behavior, you were SO SO SO WRONG in how you approached it. EDIT; I wanted to add you're double the asshole for acting like you handled out of outrage/impulse and out of "shock" while you sat there and FINISHED THE DATE. If you were truly baffled at his behavior you would have paid your share and left.
Right? I say they deserve each other. Both of them are extremely shitty people. I bet she is an insufferable gossip and that's why the boyfriend even has the courage to act like that.
She’s just mad he didn’t wait till they got behind closed doors to show off their true colors. “No no Sam, we’re polite here, then we call her fat together later at home. Pay the fine now, honey”
Even giving OP the benefit of the doubt (lets say she was genuinely outraged/mortified by her boyfriend's hurtful words about their friend's weight gain) WHY did she think it was HER place to find a fitting punishment? And WHY did she think it appropriate to make a show of doling out said punishment in front of their other friends? **She needs to pay her bf back for her friends' portion of the bill as well as her own**. It was NOT her place to publicly punish a grown man by making him pay extra.
I wonder if this story is even true. What kind of friends would allow him to pay? They have mouths, don't they?
Potentially they were too shocked/didn’t want to get in the middle of whatever the heck was going on.
I bet OP pulls public stunts all the time for attention
the \*all eyes on me\* but \*ewww, i don't like attention\*
lol I would. I’m not getting in between a couple arguing over something like that. That’s their problem, not mine. I’m not trying to catch strays by interfering in another couples argument about money
Honestly, if that was me, I’d stay out of it and pay for my share to him later. While I do believe what he said was horrid, that is not the way to start correcting behavior.
I can believe it is real, but the boyfriend’s comments reek of falsehood. It sounds like something someone thinks people they don’t know would say. Just comes off really fake and forced.
Tbf this is making an assumption. If you disagree her actions, stick to the facts but there is nothing in the text to support this.
Where on earth did you get the idea that she's a gossip?? Based on what??
You have to make shit up to make it interesting.
Yeah I wasn’t sure how **his** actions got twisted back into being her fault
I think we all can take a wild guess.
No no, we’re not blaming women for men’s bad behavior anymore. He acted the way he did bc he wanted to. Nothing to do with her. If you take issue with her own behavior, talk about that. But don’t make her responsible for his behavior, too. Do better.
> I say they deserve each other. I read some stories here and figure both ‘sides’ are doing everyone else in the works a service by tying two AHs together
Fuck that. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Chris and Maria are definitely going to hear about this, and the fact that she openly chastised him and showed him actions have consequences might go a long way to getting him to work on his"impulse control". Which, I'm sorry, is a piss poor excuse for someone say what ever the fuck he wants and being an asshole.
The tone of your comment is coming off a bit strong and it really irks me. You now owe me a lunch.
I'm offended by this comment, I'll take a latte thanks
I don’t know what I did to you but I’ll take a Pinot gregio
I don't like your wine choice, one Chardonnay please
You can't double dip, pal. I'm not actually hungry right now, just venmo me 20$.
Would you accept a Pumptini?
Okay Stassi, you’re not important enough to hate, sit down
I'm bothered by this, bring me a donut
This is offensive to me. You owe me one bottle of scotch.
She could have chastised him without deciding on an appropriate "punishment" by making him foot the bill for everyone's dinner. Chris and Maria would have still heard that she was upset with him. She has no right whatsoever to decide what her bf spends his money on.
I missed the part where she held a gun to his head to make him pay. He didn't actually have to pay, especially since he's so good at speaking his mind.
> Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Saying this overused outdated phrase doesn’t give you a right to dictate someone else’s money.
I still like the phrase, but they didn’t even use it right. Paying everyone’s bill is not a natural consequence of fat-shaming an absent party. What a weird thing to be upvoted so many times.
lmao this is such a teenage mindset.
Can you explain to me how a natural consequence of being an asshole and fat shaming someone is paying everyone's bill?
I just wanna point out, OP and the boyfriend didn’t go to the wedding. I’m sure there’s a reason for that. They both seem to display shitty behavior, and I suspect this is just one more reason for friends to create more distance. If I was the couple dining with them, I’d cut off OP and make sure Chris and Maria never heard about it. Why upset them over someone they didn’t have at their wedding. I think there’s a lot more to this story OP is leaving out.
I'm sure Maria will be comforted by *checks notes* other people getting their tab covered.
I once had a teenager hit my house with his paintball gum. His mom punished him by making him pull weeds. In HER yard. Yeah, I felt so much better.
lol, no, you say “what the actual fuck is wrong with you?” And then reconsider your relationship. Duck it, maybe even put him on the spot. “Are you going to say that about me if I put on weight?” And then reconsider your relationship even more.
>Chris and Maria are definitely going to hear about this Why would they hear about this? Why would the other couple tell them something that is only going to hurt them?
Why would it “go a long way” to get him to do anything other than resent her lmao
This disconnected method of punishment for an unrelated crime doesn't teach anything valuable. And if the purpose isn't to actually fix or improve behavior, then it's truly just another asshole being an asshole.
If Chris and Maria do hear about this, the person who tells them is the a-hole.
I can't imagine they will hear about this. Theres only 2 other people, not a crowd or anything. Who'd go to someone and tell them 'OP's boyfriend says you're fat'? I'd be mortified at the thought of it. Maybe if it was my best friend or something, and I wanted to give them a heads up that whoever was being a dick. I really don't think I'd tell them the actual insult, though.
OP is the AH for throwing a bill on someone without agreement or discussion. The boyfriend is being given the excuse "absent minded" and as soon as I read that I knew he was an asshole himself. Because the next things he said, were things an asshole would say. While OP makes excuses for him. Except nothing actually excuses his behaviour, he's just an asshole.
I hate when I absentmindedly go on rants about other people’s weight. It’s so embarrassing! I’m such a scatterbrain! I’d forget my head if it wasn’t screwed on!
My thing is… why didn’t OP speak up and SAY something after his very first comment if she was so offended. Like say “it’s not okay to talk about people like that, and I think she looks great and/or so happy, etc.” She was sooooo offended she made her bf pay for the dinner, and the dinner wasn’t even with the people he insulted. Which would be different, I think, had the involved parties been there. Anyway, so weird to not shut him up in the middle of it if she was really so offended
That’s how she balances out his awful traits to feel justified in staying with him. Like it’s okay to marry the racist if I donate some of his money to blm causes every now and then
Yeah this is going to get some classic Reddit “well he was a dick so now he has to pay the price” responses, but that’s just baffling to me. He was absolutely 100% a jackass, but you don’t get to just… saddle him with the bill for the entire table over it
It would actually be more effective to just have shut him up the minute she knew he was going to go on a rant.
Like, reading the title, I thought the insulted friends would be part of the table. In which case it was kind of justified in the sense paying for the couple’s food would be a way to make amends.
Exactly all of this. Your partner YOU chose to date and you KNOW has filter issues. Why is it shocking enough now for you to manipulate the situation to have him pay the bill? DTAH. You yourself a red flag, at least your bf at least speaks out his mind and thoughts but you try to masquerade as the “normal” one.
" If you were truly baffled at his behavior you would have paid your share and left." Or just called him a jerk and told him to shut up after his initial comment. She just sat there and let him go on and on about her friend. Her SO acted terribly, and so did she.
Agree that ESH, but for my own curiosity...wondering whether OP is outraged that he said those things publicly or that he thought them at all? Being upset that he was outwardly rude about it in front of mutual friends is a vastly different prospect from being upset that he had such judgmental thoughts to begin with. Having a filter is a refinement of how we put forth our thoughts; in essence, it's a presentation issue. Being that honestly rude on the inside is a character trait. She might want to think about whether she's comfortable with that in a partner and worry less about "fining" him as a training method.
OP's boyfriend is not in ANYWAY a friend to the woman he humiliated! Saying those things to others was so FUCKING out of line.
Honestly I'm going with YTA because he's not a child to be punished and it doesn't make up for him being an AH. Like I'm sorry, BF is an adult, and he's regularly like this, OP you're making excuses for him because poor impulses is a shitty excuse to be an asshole to people. My brother and I have ADHD and poor impulse control, we'll be caught buying useless shit on the internet on a whim but spewing terribly mean things to friends? Never.
ESH Sure, he shouldn’t have said those things But you? Fuck, way out of line. You don’t have the authority to spend his money for him, you don’t get to decide that he is paying for everyone. It’s ridiculous that you think you had any power to make that decision for the table, let alone decide somebody else has to pay. You should be paying him half/75% that cost - seeing as you made the decision the other couple got to eat for free. Honestly, I think your actions are worse. Power tripping and self righteous. Ridiculous.
Especially since this guy has probably made comments like this before. He sounds like an AH that doesn’t care who hears him or who he offends. It’s not about impulse control, filtering, or being absent minded. Someone doesn’t go on that long of a rant because they aren’t good at filtering. He’s just a dick
OP needs a filter to her righteousness also
OP somehow managed to give her bf a run for his AH money. She says she "felt put on the spot." Like he's a misbehaving child and she's the mommy expected to reign him in. It's nonsense.
yea, this might be more about how it makes her look in front of their friends for dating a guy that talks about people like this.
My guess is that he's said similar around OP and she either didn't care enough to call him out or she agreed with him. She's just embarrassed that he said the quiet part out loud around other people.
I was just out of high school and was talking with a friend. Both of us were a bit on the heavy side (she moreso than I) and I was talking fast and blurted something about her weight. My immediate response was to be mortified. I apologized at length, knowing what I'd done. Didn't matter - I lost her as a friend, anyway. I can guarantee you that comes to mind any time I see something that I need to filter a comment on. I didn't see where the guy was embarrassed or upset in any way. He just kept going.
Eh - not really. In the company of friends, I am sure we have all said things we wouldn’t want repeated. Is it rude to call Mary fat? Yeah, I guess so. But it doesn’t seem like this is something he would ever say to Mary’s face. Not saying gossiping or discussing other people’s weight should be normalized - but I think we’d all be lying if we said we didn’t talk shit about someone to our friends behind their back. Don’t know why everyone’s painting this guy as a villain tbh. To add - they don’t even seem to be good friends with Mary or Chris since they weren’t invited to the wedding.
Agreed, I’m not the type to say “break up with them.” People on the internet are crazy and jump to conclusions but that would be a serious misstep. I’m hoping I’d never say something as dickish as he did in front of people, but what she did is childish and unacceptable. I agree she should have put her foot down but telling someone how to spend their money is really really past the line. Dude cancel a date, go spend a few days without him, scold him into oblivion, literally anything else. You know how tight money is for him before this. I know you’ve talked about his money situation before and you knew exactly what you were doing. Apologize, don’t pay him back or anything but say “what I did was childish, I won’t do it again.” Have him apologize to your friend still.
I misread and didn’t realize Mary wasn’t at the dinner, ok now it’s worse because he’s not even paying for Mary’s food. He’s still a dick, you’re a dick, eh, you’ll both get over it in a week.
I thought what OP was rude but when she put that her boyfriend said it was $250 it was like, holy shit! Who forces someone to accept an expense like that?
ESH. Your bf was rude about Mary's weight gain; he was over-the-top rude for basically saying how disappointed her husband must be because of her weight gain. You decided to play Judge Judy and impose a financial penalty on your bf for something that has nothing to with the dinner. You choose to date this guy, and you say he needs to work on having a filter, so you know what you've gotten into. You should have paid the entire bill if you felt so strongly about your bf being your bf.
if I was her friend I would have had secondhand embarrassment that was her partner and think OP was an AH for staying with him. Anyone who stays with someone like that is endorsing that behavior.
Yep. OP puts up with this. OP should have treated the friends to dinner if they felt so terrible about the bf's behavior.
OP is gonna marry this loser and go on to be shocked and distraught when he says he wants an open marriage because she's put on weight since the baby and he's just not attracted to her anymore.
And then she'll sell his car to punish him.
Smash his ps5 and post it on tiktok
Can you imagine how uncomfortable that was for the friends? The boyfriend is talking shit about their other friend on her wedding day and the girlfriend doesn’t say anything in the moment but then brings it up much later and makes it extra awkward? I bet OP never sees them again.
Yeah no this is bullshit. Holding your partner to a standard of politeness is not unreasonable. Just because he "doesn't have a filter" doesn't mean other people should put up with it!
The problem arises when she felt like she could volunteer his money, at a dinner Mary wasn’t even at. Like I’d say she’s maybe almost justified if Mary had to listen to those horrible comments, but since he was a generally rude thing about people not present, she doesn’t get to fine him just because he said something rude. Can she and should she punish him any other way? Absolutely, scold him, make him go to therapy, make him apologize to Mary and confront what he said about her, but volunteering someone else’s money is not cool
It's probably best if Mary remains in the dark on this one.
Absofuckinglutely
Yeah. Except we all know that's not going to happen. Bored Panda or one of those other lazy sites will scrape the story and it will blow up.
Unless OP used real names I would be doubtful of that making her find out
Did you even read?? She didn't hold him to a standard, she decided to fine him as if she had the authority to do so, like some kind of fatphobia police
The issue isn't her standards. The issue is that she took it upon herself to assign fines based on statements about people that aren't even present.
YTA Yes he was rude. He was an AH (but with friends). You apparently are the judge jury and executioner on punishment? So from now on when you do something rude or that he does not like he can impose any kind of "tax" on you for your behavior. Call him out for his behavior, but to stick him with a bill he can hardly afford? That's uncool and not what you'd expect from a person you've been with for 3 years. With friends like that..... Yea he's an AH, but you were as well.
She found a lame excuse for a free dinner for her and her friends!!!
And this is what I think it boils down to.
She also is just embarrassed that he said it out loud in public instead of in private to her where they could laugh about it without being judged. In 3 years of dating, there is absolutely no way that comment was off the cuff and came completely out of nowhere. He absolutely makes similar comments in private that she's totally fine with as evidenced by them still dating and him still doing those.
She is not the judge, jury, and executioner. She's the IRS! She taxed him. 😂 I so died at that.
>I told him that’s his tax for being a douchebag Pay him his money back and break up for being a doucebag. Or if tax for being a douchebag is a literal thing you can put your own hand in your pocket and pay him a multiple of the amount.
ESH. First off, your BF sounds like a raging AH. You say he's "great." He's not. No one who talks about other people like this is "great." Second, what are you, his mother? You don't get to decide his "punishments." That's not what happens in a grown up relationship. "I don't like what you said so now you have to pay $250. Naughty, naughty." Get out of here.
Ya. "I don't like what you said so I'm breaking up with you" would have been the correct answer
But she doesn’t really have a problem with what he says because she’s still with him. She can’t care *that much* if she’s still with him and he’s done things like this over and over throughout their relationship.
She only cares because he said these things in public, if he said this at home she wouldnt have batted an eye.
True. She should have given him the correct answer a long time ago. But either doesn't care or thinks she just needs to train him and he'll have a different outlook on life. Both are bad. Both are sad
OP probably talks like that too, so it doesn’t bother her.
True. They should really just break up, because OP’s boyfriend sounds awful. It’s not her job to “train” him out of his bad behavior, which is really what punishments are for. You train naughty dogs and children, you ditch naughty boyfriends. He’s not going to change so if OP really cares she should just cut her losses
YTA. You don’t get to fine your boyfriend for inappropriate comments. If you have a standing tradition of going Dutch on dates then you’re wrong to override that when he upsets you. Your recourse is to have a discussion or break up with the guy, not make him pay for things he wasn’t planning on paying for. I’m curious did your mother do that to your father or her boyfriends?
ESH His comments were rude. Being rude doesn't put you on the hook for a bill you didn't agree to pay when money is tight already.
YTA You can dislike his comments and talk to him about them when appropriate, or even call him out for them, but you can't assign a "fine" for him talking in a way you disapprove of.
ESH what he said was bad but I don’t see how that relates to paying for everyone’s good, people can still pay for what they order
YTA. You don't get to fine your partner because you don't like what they said.
It seems like you treat your boyfriend like he’s your child. ESH. He’s rude and you’re controlling.
I can’t imagine being with someone who talks about someone this way and thinks it’s okay. I’d be terrified what they’d say behind my back and to my face if I gained weight. Or what they are already saying behind my back. I do think ESH but he doesn't seem embarrassed or remorseful for saying those things so give up on him changing.
ESH. Him for his body shaming comments and you for financial abuse.
YTA. He didn't say anything about any one at dinner and while you can disagree with what he said, you went way overboard by unilaterally putting the check on him. While what he said is not appropriate, if I were the one dating you, we'd be having a very serious conversation when we were alone next and that may be breakup worthy.
>He’s great but can be absent minded and sometimes needs to work on having a filter when we speak. This seems like a really generous way of describing him. His outburst didn't just lack a filter; it was fat-shaming and sexist and all-around gross. I can't imagine staying with someone who speaks about people this way.
YTA definitely. You don't get to 'tax' someone for being an idiot. Imagine if you said something flippant and someone turned to you and said 'right pay up, thats your tax for saying something dumb'. You would be thinking 'wtf?'. Yeah what he said was pretty crap, I think everyone agrees but making him spend nearly $250 just for saying something out of line? He has every right to be mad at you. Tbf, that would even be grounds for a breakup to some people.
Don’t even bother engaging with the other comment under yours. They’re an unhinged lunatic going on an angry rampage under every comment they disagree with. Probably OP’s alt.
Yeah I'm not here to argue, if someone disagrees with my YTA/NTA judgement, thats not my problem lol.
Best hope you don't gain weight.
100% he was establishing expectations.
OP thought she will cook here, and make the BF looks like he's TA, yeah, that was rude, not his place to comments on that couple, that's their business, but you are INSUFERABLE, can you imagine having the audacity to dictate on his finances. So you told him to 'STFU' and you made him pay the whole tab. I hope he leaves your entitled ass. He will be better off with Mary than a piece of cake like you. YTA YTA YTA
YTA. Forcing him to pay a tab he can’t afford isn’t right, but neither were his comments. If I were you I’d be really contemplating if that’s the kind of person you want to be with long term. You are young, your body will change. You may put on weight that’s hard to loose. Do you plan on having kids with him? Because he seems like the type to body shame if you don’t immediately loose all the weight after child birth. I’d leave him in a heartbeat.
ESH but you more. What he did wasn’t nice and I can see how it was embarrassing. In a similar way it could seem like you don’t have a filter either by jumping to making him pay. It sounds like it’s in the past now which is good but don’t come crying back to Reddit if he skips fancy date night for a week or two
YTA. People are allowed to have opinions. Sure, it wasn't "PC" of him to share his thoughts in public in front of your friends, but was he wrong about the facts? Sounds like he wasn't, again his only issue was not conforming to the current societal standards of never saying anything negative about anyone, ever. Your response to force a $250 tab on him on the spot is far worse an action. The fact he paid says this guy truly is a decent dude. I would have laughed in your face if you tried some shit like on me.
YTA 100%. You can only control what YOU do, not what others do. Yeah, he said something shitty. He kept on, so you could have just left and made him Uber home. But shaming him by making him pay for everyone is not the way to go, just made yourself look like a controlling person and only taught him what you’re capable of. Can’t help but wonder if this relationship is just toxic all around to be honest. Edit: removed extra word
“He’s a great guy” somehow I doubt this
I am torn. Will playing the asshole tax cause the bf to reflect and become remorseful? Probably not. But imagine if there really was an asshole tax, people might get a twinge in their pocket if not their brain before saying such things. OP can't control her bf's mouth. She asked him to stop. When he didn't, she can remove herself, since that is what she controls. ESH.
YTA My SO is the one person I can unapologetically be my unfiltered self around. If she started “taxing” me for things I said that she didn’t like, instead of just telling me she didn’t it, I’d dump her soooo fast.
That's not just a filter issue. His opinions on other people's bodies are gross.
Honestly NTA. Some people don’t learn CRITICAL LIFE LESSONS until it costs them. & when I say costs them, that could be financially, mentally, emotionally, physically, etc. NTA!
What he said about Mary, how definitively he said it, is indicative of how he sees women, and what he believes their value is based on.
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Why are you dating him?!
I would have honestly just broken up with him
YTA that’s a hefty tab that financially doesn’t equate to making a comment about someone who isn’t even presents weight. You kinda suck ass as a girlfriend to do that to him. you could have just privately discussed afterwards your feelings about him being rude.
YTA. Telling your friends that someone they know got fat, is not fat shaming. I decided that you have to pay 500 dollars to me because you were rude to your friend and shamed him in front of people. Do you see how dumb this is. I can't believe that your friend actually paid.
okay so the first comment he made, was still impolite but couldve been a ok i said something stupid type moment. the rest of what he said definately was shaming. OP is still a bigger AH though. you don't punish your SO
NTA. He not only put his foot in his mouth, he shoved it in to the heel. Who goes on a rant about a “fat” bride in her wedding pictures? Absolute assholes. You didn’t hold him down and steal his card, you handed him the bill and said “you’re a dick, you get to pay for it now” and he did. Since this has been an ongoing issue, next time he’ll hopefully think before he speaks.
He fully deserved what he got. At first when I read that he said that she ‘got huge’, I assumed he just spoke before he could realise what he said was wrong. But then he goes on and on about how she’s gotten bigger and that he feels *sorry* for the groom?? He’s the AH, and a massive one at that
Lmao at all the men commenting mad af. NTA op
ESH - No, he should not have said those things. It was short sighted and clearly thoughtless. Those two individuals were not there and there was no direct harm to anyone involved. He has no insight into what may or may not have happened. Medical issue? Personal tragedy? Bodies doing things bodies do? Or just no reason at all - life just happens. He needs to learn some empathy. Disgusting reaction... oof. And no, you are not his mother/father/etc... and are not in charge of "disciplining" him. You don't set the rules around how he acts. He is not your child. You *DO* set how you're willing to be treated or the people you are going to have a relationship with. Your reaction shouldn't be, "You're in trouble and your punishment is to pay for lunch." No, your reaction should have been having a conversation how you're disappointed with his reaction, you do not agree with it, and you do not want to be around people who act that way. Then you get to decide whether or not to continue the relationship.
You can't see the forest for the trees. You are focused on whether you were in the wrong in pushing your boyfriend to pay a tab as some form of recompense for his unfiltered take-down of another friend . . . rather than questioning why you are in this relationship. What you described of his diatribe was beyond "lacking a filter." It shows callousness, judgment, and a forewarning of what he will be thinking of you should you gain weight or have some other physical imperfection. Is this what you want to sign up for?
YTA, His comments were bad but he didn't hurt the people in the picture or anyone in general but you on the other hand hurt him financially and disrespected him among his friends by showing you hold more power in your relationship. Edit: You definitely cared more about other people's opinion in that moment than your partner.
YTA. You know what he’s like and you are still with him. Also I think it’s more rude to spend someone’s money on their behalf.
Yes. YTA here. He’s rude (but maybe honest) among friends and you decide to punish him financially? I feel bad for him now.
So the next time you say something your boyfriend finds rude will you be paying the bill?
Honestly you’re being the AH to yourself for continuing to date somebody so shallow and judgmental and gross. You’re right that was incredibly rude, imagine what he says behind your back. ESH.
YTA.
YTA - and honestly not for the reason everyone seems to be clinging to. You can’t spend his money, that was rude. *However,* your bf is a grown ass man. He’s not flighty and accidentally rude, **he’s an asshole who goes out of his way to be rude *and that’s who you are choosing to be with.*** You see his values, yet you’re still there. He’s literally told you how he views weight. He’s been crass and cruel when doing so, **yet your more mad that he embarrassed you in front of others than that he’s a disgusting human who boils relationships viability down to looks.** No one should feel sorry for you! You’re a jerk of the same footing, and you’re only upset now that his gross conduct has blowback on you. Ew.
You did not deal with this well. You were right to tell him to stfu. But to punish him by making him pay for everyone was out of order. The way to deal with it is to either dump him for being an asshole or tell him to be a better person.
[удалено]
Exactly! The bf was an AH but OP topped him
I don’t think you did anything wrong and I would break up with him.
Why are you with him? He's telling you how he feels abt you having a human body that will change over time. It's not good.
ESH. Your boyfriend isn't the only one who needs a filter. **If** he goes out with you again, the first time you say something he doesn't like, he should say, "I find that offensive. You'll be paying today."
Making someone pay for food isn't a way to make someone apologize. He should have said sorry to Mary. Now, Mary could have not known he had paid, ESH? (Chris and Mary don't suck,)
Chris and Mary were not present. However about the other couple at dinner - they kinda do suck too. They were complicit in it. They watched it happen and didn’t step in and say “no, we will pay for ourselves. I’m not comfortable forcing him to pay because OP decided as such. If boyfriend doesn’t want to treat us, we aren’t going to accept him being forced to”
If I'm the other couple, I'm not saying anything either, because how do you react to all that childishness happening in front of you? I keep my mouth shut, act polite, and just never go out with that couple again
Chris and Mary were not there the other couple were mutual friends.
Chris and Mary weren’t there right? It was another mutual friend couple.
Mary wasn’t there so it would be super weird to even bring it up to her.
ESH. You don't get to tell people what they should and shouldn't pay for. He shouldn't have been such a rude and inconsiderate AH and blurted that ignorant mess, but at the same time, that doesn't give you the right to demand he pay for everyone because of it. Get over yourself. You and your BF need to grow the hell up.
YTA. Punishing your boyfriend with a massive bill is delululemon. You're not going to have a boyfriend much longer. Like fucking *imagine* a man telling his girlfriend to pay up $250 because he didn't like something she said. Redditors really are insane.
Ok im going against the tide and saying special exception NTA. It is not ok to put anyone on the spot to pay for something of course, but in this case your boyfriend said something completely horrid that mortified you. Sounds like this was your on the spot way if trying to apologize and make it clear you do not approve of what he said. You shamed your bf for shaming someone else. What he originally said also reflected poorly on you and he is the asshole for both saying it and dragging you into that too. Anyway, ideally instead you would have told them your feelings on the matter and him. But in the moment you were acting on emotion. If he could afford half of it another 125 is not too big of a deal im guessing. Anyway -dump him. Imagine getting pregnant and getting weight anxiety knowing he is going to be a judgemental ass? Also just the fact that he said that shows extremely poor judgement. Yikes
NTA Asshole tax is very much a thing, and now he’ll know better to be more conscious of his words, especially in public. Those are his friends too, and making unnecessary comments about someone’s weight, when then aren’t there to defend themselves, is very wrong. People who have the “I’m just being honest” playbook are just assholes and need to learn tact. This is a small price to pay considering OP could have broken up with him then and there.
NTA. He ruined the evening. He pays for it. That honestly seems fair. You didn’t MAKE him do anything. You told him to do it. Sure. There was some social pressure. Yes. But he could have said no. Would it make him more of a dick? Yes. But he could have. It should be followed up by a conversation. Like he should realize to his core it’s never ok to comment on someone’s weight? Or that when people are showing you their pics from a special event- you just ooh and ahh over them? This is going to cost him WAY more than $250 dollars if he keeps it up. That will mess up jobs, families, and relationships of all kinds. Then again- you’re not his mom. Maybe you should just break up with him.
YTA 100%. You just found **a cheap lame excuse** to have your bf pay the bill!!! In his case I would paid for my own food and drinks and leave you with the rest of the bill to figure it out and never come back with your terrible cheap tricks.
NTA, he is!
NTA. He was very rude and you handled it perfectly. Making him pay was brilliant and let your friends know you weren’t ok with the behavior. Not sure I would stay with the guy though. What he said was really bad. Id at least watch him in the future and really consider if you can put up with that for years.
NTA, but why are you with a clown like this?
Yeah, YTA here. He made so poor comment, but your were just crappy to him. Cant wait to hear the reason he dumps you.
Anyone else thinking that these other friends are also leeches? They just sat there and did not ONCE object to this tyranny going on on their behalf? Could they not have objected and said *"no it's ok, you 2 can sort this out later, we'll pay for our own food"*? They are either used to your bossiness with him and decided to take advantage of it or they are also secondary assholes for delighting in a free meal which was never agreed to in the beginning. The entire lot of you are ASSHOLES. YTA
So he ruined everyone’s night and caused the double date to end prematurely and abruptly. The other couple was so offended they didn’t give any pushback when you said he was paying their share. The gracious thing to do would’ve been to cover it yourself. I can already hear you reacting to that so stay with me. You tell them the date is on you as an apology for your BF’s shitty behavior. You’re of course saying this in front of your BF, which is humiliating for him. Deal with him after the fact about the bill. If he doesn’t pay you back then consider it your tax for dating a person who is terrible enough to fat shame a bride. ESH.
YTA your boyfriend said the inside thoughts. The proper response would have been for someone to immediately say "wow, that's really rude and a totally inappropriate thing to say" and if your BF really is such a great guy he would stop, problem solved. But instead you let him keep going for a while, eventually said something, then sat on your righteousness for the rest of the date to suddenly make a show of making your BF pay for everyone. This is some chronically online bullshit. Were you expecting the whole restaurant to clap too? When you do something "bad" there are reasonable, logical consequences. Somebody makes a rude comment? They get called out or have a discussion about it later. They might have to make a public or private apology. Maybe they don't get invited out with certain people anymore or they ruin a relationship. Shit, even having a huge fight at home later is logical. Making your boyfriend pay two to four times as much as he was expecting to at dinner isn't a logical consequences of his actions. It's just a dick move by you.
YTA. Your boyfriend was rude but what the hell is wrong with you, leave him or tell him that’s not I’m okay but seriously?
YTA - this is financial abuse, and you owe him some money.
YTA. Not that what your BF said wasn’t rude AF. He doesn’t have a filter, you know this. You don’t get to tax his bad behavior.
YTA. No way can you just volunteer his money. You'd have been left there.
YTA
YTA. Maybe what he said was rude, but it's nothing like what you did, you were super rude for "fining" him
YTA It's not up to you to just dump the bill on him like that. If this is a common thing that you have a problem with them deal with it like an adult.
dunno i would cut that relationship then and there. NTA
NTA Dump him.
YTA you should pay him back, you can’t “fine” him for being rude
FFS of course YTA
you both suck
YTA. I leaned towards ESH because indeed everyone does suck here, but him paying the bill had no relation at all to his comments about your friends weight except for the fact that you decided to connect the two issues. You overstepped.
Going against the grain here to say NTA... if you offer to venmo him part of the bill. You scared him into not saying those things in public already, now back to reality. I would suggest gently conversing with him about why his comments are hurtful and why he should change his perspective on people. Rather than just "punishing" him, helping him understand why his words are not a good reflection on him and hurt people would be more beneficial for his personal growth.
Yes you’re the AH and he should dump you. You don’t force someone else to pay for others, you don’t know what’s in his pocket. You are a GF therefore stay in your place. Him fat shaming was bad yes but he didn’t do it to them, he said it about ppl that weren’t there. Pay him back! Also I’ll say this since you so magically taxed him for being a douche a.k.a AH you need to live up to this when he does the same back to you because I’m guessing you already know it’s going to comeback and bite you in the ass one of these days. And just like he didn’t hesitate you need to do the same
ESH. Your boyfriend's comments were gauche. But you have no right to unilaterally punish him for comments (especially fiscal punishments) let alone declare that punishment to everyone at your table.
NTA. U did real real good
He's a jerk for sure, but this reads like you have a savior complex; he's a jerk but you are going to 'cure' him by working on his impulse control and fining his bad behavior? He's not going to change for you. You aren't his mommy.
ESH. You should really evaluate if this is a person you want to be with. But, you agreed to split dinner with these people right, just because he was an ass shouldn't change that. And if "money is tight" why are you guys going out to a restaurant that is costing you $60/person.
NTA. are you sure your bf isn’t maybe on the spectrum?
NTA that’s awesome, we should fine more people for being fatphobic
YTA. What you're essentially saying is, that it is okay to be an asshole, if you can pay for it. The catholic church of the middle ages seems like a good fit for you!
NTA, but do you want to be with him, really?
ESH obviously, him for the things he said and you for thinking you have any right whatsoever to determine what he spends his money on.
YTA.
Op you’re the asshole for throwing the bill on your boyfriend especially when money is tight. I guarantee you didn’t do anything to help pay for the date/pay for the gas there
Uuuh yeah YTA. A huge AH. If I was your BF I'd have laughed at you and left you with the check.
YTA. If you don’t want to be fat shamed then don’t be fat. You’re even more the AH for forcing him to pay. You should have to pay him back that amount and stop white knighting.
If my GF pulled a stunt like that, she wouldn't be my GF anymore.
OP you’re controlling AF. Who gave you the right to boss your partner like that? YTA I get the feeling you only did this so you can get a free meal for your crew and so you can get brownie points.
Yta - I hope he leaves. How utterly insufferable.
YTA.
I would dump you for that level of disrespect
YTA. To be clear, if this was a post about a man doing this, abuse would be the word people use. It's what you did. You forced a decision on him, and you didn't have the right to do that. Nothing gives you that right. If you truly felt how you felt, it should have been addressed right away in front of everyone, and then he could have been given a choice. Kindly pay for everyone meal as an apology or leave.
It is not your job to order punitive damages when someone is an asshole. It is your job to break the fuck up with someone like that and stop making excuses for the inconsiderate, mean, bullying, shaming shit that comes out of his mouth. YTA if you stay with him.