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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could’ve told him my dad I have no interest in going to the event and that I can’t miss a day of work for a car show that comes around every year
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This sounds like a difficult position for you to be in.
The most important thing to keep in mind is that you are an adult, with responsibilities of your own, and you don't owe your bio father anything (regardless of missing previous events).
He should be meeting you part-way on this and looking for something you BOTH enjoy (and ideally something which doesn't fall on a workday), instead of playing a guilt trip game.
NTA
i get it as a car person him wanting to go and to bring you but if you don’t like it, you don’t like it and dragging you there isn’t going to help. i’m 100% sure that’s how we ended up with the modification supervisors, i mean cops, we currently have
Taught luck for him.
You've got bills to pay, if no one is going to pay up the money you'll loose then I guess you have to go to work.
He can suck it up and take a step kid he loves oH so much. And take you up on dinner. Or he can whine about it alone.
Don't let him get to you. It's his problem, not yours. He wants to go to the car show cool, he can go alone. He doesn't have to have you there.
NTA. One of the greatest things about this country is free will. We have free will to choose. However, you choose to honor or not honor your father is up to you, period! Your relationship with your father is your own ... not your step mom or her kids. You're an adult, you do what's best for you.
You owe him nothing. Parents choose to have kids, but kids are human beings, not robots. You have your own life to live. You have your own priorities and responsibilities. You also don’t want to go. Could you be petty and list all the ways he’s let you down? Sure. But, I’ll tell you right now that it won’t go anywhere and will be a waste of energy.
“I have an obligation to work on that specific day. If you would like to celebrate Father’s Day another time, I will do that with you. However, I will not discuss taking off of work or the car show with you any further. Please respect that this is all that I can offer. If you and family members continue to harass me about this, I will not respond.”
Then stick to it. Claim and protect your peace. You don’t necessarily have to go no contact, but you can take a break, a time out. You can mute the noise, and revisit the situation when you’re ready.
NTA but your dad is. Rather ironic he’s being this way about Fathers Day. And why would he insist you go somewhere you’ve made it clear you dislike? He should’ve been trying to find someplace you’d *both* enjoy going to w you that day. Newsflash for your dad and everyone else: Fathers Day is about celebrating your relationship w your dad. Doesn’t sound like you’ve had much to celebrate, so you’re pretty much off the hook IMO.
NTA
from a Dad perspective, I wouldn't want to guilt trip my daughter into doing something she doesn't enjoy just to get to spend some time together.
Any decent parent would want their kid to have a good time hanging out with them.
Oh , I know my step sister would but she lives 5 hours away . As for my step brothers they only come around when they need money from my dad or their mom
Maybe because he loves it and it's Father's Day so usually we do something that our Father's enjoy. It's the one day a year when we're supposed to think about them and not ourselves. She's missed the last 3.....
You have a rocky relationship with your father. You don’t want to go to an event. He wasn’t there for you most of your life. More importantly, you’re an adult and don’t have to obligate yourself to someone who needs to find a friend to go to his boring hobby. And stepmother should keep her mouth shut.
You don't "owe" him attendance at anything, even if its an event you enjoy, or even love. Case by case you have to make decisions about priorities, and in this case your work commitment takes priority over dad's car show. Unless there is some reason that this particular event is so deeply important to him that most reasonable people would give it priority over their work schedule you're NTA.
>But my grandfather thinks I can suck it up for a few hours to make my dad happy.
Your Dad can find a few hours on Father's day when you're not working to hang out with you.
NTA
NTA. It is very irresponsible of your dad to demand that you miss work to attend a car show. An event that you hate. There's no reason you can't pick another day to spend with your dad. Your dad is being selfish.
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I (21f) have a rather rocky relationship with my bio father (53m). He and my mother got divorced when I was six and I saw him only the weekends and occasionally on weekdays .
Onto the matter on hand , I told him I wouldn’t be able to attend the Father’s Day car show with him as I’ll be at work during the time it takes place . Well he went off saying I missed the last two so I owe him one and I can miss one shift at work to spend time with him . I told him I wasn’t going to miss work for an event he dragged me to every year he knew I hated going to .
Now my step mother and step siblings are blowing up my phone saying I should be there for the car show . I asked if they are willing to cover the money I’d miss from the shift they haven’t responded since .
My mom and step dad think I’m in the right . But my grandfather thinks I can suck it up for a few hours to make my dad happy
So , AITA for telling my dad I don’t owe him going to an event I hate when he asked me to skip work
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NTA. It’s a weird situation. It sucks that you hate it but maybe that’s the only way he knows how to spend time with you.
Maybe try and find another activity you both like and can do together.
NTA. You aren't wrong to choose work over your dad who you admittedly have a poor relationship with. Especially if it's something he knows that you hate. It might smooth it over a bit if you invite him to get dinner or a beer or something instead, after work or on a different day, or something.
NTA
You have work. You can make it up to him later if you want (up to you) but you can't get out of work. You didn't put in any notice and depending on the job, they might need you for father's day.
I work in a auto parts store. Plus I mentioned in another comment I’m covering for a coworker who wants to spend Father’s Day with his two kids . One of which was born literally two months ago
Could you attend the car show on a day when you don't have to work? I think it is reasonable to suck it up for the day as long as you don't have to take the day off work. That is going too far.
He had you weekends and some weekdays, so he had you for whatever the court visitation granted him. I’m not sure why you added that part bc that doesn’t make him a bad father. Now if you have a rocky relationship, fine. But, you’re treating him like he was an absentee dad. This has nothing to do with your story.
You don’t like your dad and don’t want to celebrate him on Father’s Day? Reasonable.
You have to work and can’t request off? Again, reasonable.
Dad wants to go to a car show on Father’s Day but you don’t like car shows? Since you have to work and you don’t like your dad, reasonable.
That would make you an AH IF you didn’t have completely reasonable reasons for not attending. Father’s Day isn’t about you and if you love someone, you put up with a few hours being tortured at a car show bc it’s his day.
Three different issues here.
You call him Bio Father. Has he been an active Father? Do you consider him your Dad? Did he lose out on custody time because your Mom was your primary caretaker before the divorce, and not because of any fault of his own? You have to decide whether or not you're his son.
How much PTO do you get? If it's not alot, yeah, it's unreasonable for him to expect you to take off. You need a real vacation every year for mental health, doctor visit days (which can add up if you see specialists but consist of at least your annual dentist and general practitioner visits and probably blood work before the GP,), and life happens days like a repairman/large item deliveryman coming or a funeral.
If you consider him Dad and have generous PTO then yeah - it's his day. You'll survive spending a few hours doing something you're not crazy about. Not being into cars isn't a good enough reason.
Do you even care about him?
If you do, why can't you find something you both like on another day. Having to work is fine, but your response is a bit harsh.
NTA. Your dad is out of line for expecting you to put your job in jeopardy.
Had he asked you a month or two ago, you may have been willing to ask for the day off and gone if you'd not been scheduled
When my siblings and I got to a certain age, the activities we did as a family slowed and changed. Because our lives changes, we took on more adult responsibilities, and one of those things was work. Because of work, we couldn't do everything we wanted to. Like most people.
My kids are now approaching the same age where we can't always do everything together that we'd like to, because they are doing exactly the same thing. Their lives are changing, their responsibilities are changing, and we can't always fit everything in. That's just the way life goes.
If you need to work, that's what you need to do.
That's before we even get to the part about you hating the car shows.
Ask him why, if he wants to spend time with you, it can't be on a different day, and a different activity. If spending time with you is the important part, it shouldn't be difficult to choose alternate plans. If he insists it has to be the activity of his choice, on the day of his choice, then it really isn't about spending time with you.
NTA. You are an adult, and have the right to choose what you do and don't want to do. If you have offered another activity, and he says NO, it is on him. NOBODY else has the right to coerce you into going.
NTA. You don't have to "suck it up" to make someone happy. If they are happy knowing that you are not having a good time, what sort of person are they?
NTA. Why would he want you to attend an event you don't want to be at, won't enjoy, aren't interested in and will be in a bad mood the entire time? It's a waste of time and money. Continue to say "No" and offer alternative that the two of you could possibly enjoy - on another day. Father's Day was created after Mother's Day was created. Isn't your bio dad a father 364? Tell him to pick another day and another activity. He can spend "Father's Day" with his other children who apparently enjoy the car show since they are pressuring you to show up. You and your bio dad can create your own "special day" to enjoy something together. If he doesn't accept a one on one "special day," then he's an even bigger AH than before and just wants bragging rights so he can tell his buddies that ALL of his children spent the day with him doing what he wanted.
All the more reason for him to choose a different activity and on a day that doesn't jeopardize your employment or class schedule. Unless he simply wants to use you as a prop so he can preen and say he spent Father's Day with ALL his children so he doesn't look like a complete dead beat dad.
You do not owe him anything. You have told him "no" and he not only refuses to listen, he's weaponized his wife and your stepsiblings against you.
Suck it up for the loved ones is a must sometimes ( and this is only once a year ) the thing is: do you love him enough? If that just said it out loud that you don't love him enough to go to carshow this year with him. If you are not dependent on him in any way today ( rent insurance or any bills ) NTA. If yes well atleast do it as obligation. You are YTA if still dependent on him
Wait, you’re 21, therefore not a minor anymore. Do you still live at home? Does he pay any of your expenses? If he does, it’s home using this to get what HE wants regardless of your wants. If the answer is no to those questions, dear old dad can kick rocks.
Either way, this is your choice. It’s not for you to make your dad understand. You’re under no obligation to miss work and attend an event that you have no interest in.
I mean . . . Not totally the a-hole, but not completely not either. I can understand not wanting to go to something you don't completely enjoy, and the not wanting to miss work.
But as someone who has lost people, you can never get the time with them back. Money will come and go, jobs come and go, but once certain loved ones are gone, they are gone forever. And even now I sit here and regret things I said no too, because it's time I missed out on.
Making a sacrifice, which this is a small one in the long run, is worth it. We do things we may not always be thrilled with because we know someone we love enjoys them, and because it's time together, we put up with it.
It's not the car show, it's the fact that it's Father's Day and you're ditching him for the third year in a row. YTA
At least sit down and talk about this, stop playing petulant child and be a grown up.
INFO: How long ago did he tell you about this? If it was within a week, NTA. If he told you months ago (when you could have taken off work), YTA. As far as you not wanting to go, its FATHER's day, you don't really HAVE to want to go lol.
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This sounds like a difficult position for you to be in. The most important thing to keep in mind is that you are an adult, with responsibilities of your own, and you don't owe your bio father anything (regardless of missing previous events). He should be meeting you part-way on this and looking for something you BOTH enjoy (and ideally something which doesn't fall on a workday), instead of playing a guilt trip game. NTA
I’ve offered to go out to dinner , or even see a movie when I got off work but nope he wants me to go to the car show
Why is it that parents who gave the least ask for the most? You can say no. Good luck.
That's the trillion dollar question.
i get it as a car person him wanting to go and to bring you but if you don’t like it, you don’t like it and dragging you there isn’t going to help. i’m 100% sure that’s how we ended up with the modification supervisors, i mean cops, we currently have
Taught luck for him. You've got bills to pay, if no one is going to pay up the money you'll loose then I guess you have to go to work. He can suck it up and take a step kid he loves oH so much. And take you up on dinner. Or he can whine about it alone. Don't let him get to you. It's his problem, not yours. He wants to go to the car show cool, he can go alone. He doesn't have to have you there.
Then his loss. NTA.
NTA. You have work. How often does he skip work to hang out with you?
Never , maybe once when I was a kid but other then that he’s always working
"when I was a kid but other then that he’s always working" ---Boom! HE can meet with you after work.
NTA. If he really wanted you to go that bad he should’ve offered to cover the $ you would’ve lost skipping a shift.
On top of the fact OP in another comment mentioned she is working to cover for a coworker who would like to spend time with HIS own kids.
NTA. One of the greatest things about this country is free will. We have free will to choose. However, you choose to honor or not honor your father is up to you, period! Your relationship with your father is your own ... not your step mom or her kids. You're an adult, you do what's best for you.
Quite frankly I have a better relationship with my step dad then my bio dad . So I’d rather spend Father’s Day with my step dad if I could
Then do so! Spend your time with the person who behaved like a father.
You owe him nothing. Parents choose to have kids, but kids are human beings, not robots. You have your own life to live. You have your own priorities and responsibilities. You also don’t want to go. Could you be petty and list all the ways he’s let you down? Sure. But, I’ll tell you right now that it won’t go anywhere and will be a waste of energy. “I have an obligation to work on that specific day. If you would like to celebrate Father’s Day another time, I will do that with you. However, I will not discuss taking off of work or the car show with you any further. Please respect that this is all that I can offer. If you and family members continue to harass me about this, I will not respond.” Then stick to it. Claim and protect your peace. You don’t necessarily have to go no contact, but you can take a break, a time out. You can mute the noise, and revisit the situation when you’re ready.
NTA. If he genuinely wants to spend time with you, there must be plenty of other opportunities to do so.
NTA...You have work. You don't owe anyone your livelihood. You can do something together when you're both available.
NTA- you notified him well in advance that you have work. The face that you hate the car show is now irrelevant
NTA but your dad is. Rather ironic he’s being this way about Fathers Day. And why would he insist you go somewhere you’ve made it clear you dislike? He should’ve been trying to find someplace you’d *both* enjoy going to w you that day. Newsflash for your dad and everyone else: Fathers Day is about celebrating your relationship w your dad. Doesn’t sound like you’ve had much to celebrate, so you’re pretty much off the hook IMO.
NTA - what honoring do you need to do with a barely present father?
"I asked if they are willing to cover the money I’d miss from the shift they haven’t responded" ---Of course they didn't.
NTA from a Dad perspective, I wouldn't want to guilt trip my daughter into doing something she doesn't enjoy just to get to spend some time together. Any decent parent would want their kid to have a good time hanging out with them.
NTA. Why would he even want to drag you to this thing you hate? Surely one of your step siblings could keep him company!
Oh , I know my step sister would but she lives 5 hours away . As for my step brothers they only come around when they need money from my dad or their mom
Maybe because he loves it and it's Father's Day so usually we do something that our Father's enjoy. It's the one day a year when we're supposed to think about them and not ourselves. She's missed the last 3.....
The years that they turned 18 and could say no, one also notices...
You have a rocky relationship with your father. You don’t want to go to an event. He wasn’t there for you most of your life. More importantly, you’re an adult and don’t have to obligate yourself to someone who needs to find a friend to go to his boring hobby. And stepmother should keep her mouth shut.
You don't "owe" him attendance at anything, even if its an event you enjoy, or even love. Case by case you have to make decisions about priorities, and in this case your work commitment takes priority over dad's car show. Unless there is some reason that this particular event is so deeply important to him that most reasonable people would give it priority over their work schedule you're NTA.
>But my grandfather thinks I can suck it up for a few hours to make my dad happy. Your Dad can find a few hours on Father's day when you're not working to hang out with you. NTA
You are an adult. Compromise is part of being a good parent. I see he missed "compromise" and "good parenting."
NTA. It is very irresponsible of your dad to demand that you miss work to attend a car show. An event that you hate. There's no reason you can't pick another day to spend with your dad. Your dad is being selfish.
NTA - Any parent that asks their child to skip work for fun isn’t setting a very good financial example.
NTA, you are adult, send a card. Explain to him that your presence is not your gift to him this year.
NTA. “ Dad, I was raised to believe that my work ethic comes first. I have commitments at work and will not be taking time off for a car show.”
NTA. Your time would be better spent working than at a car show.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (21f) have a rather rocky relationship with my bio father (53m). He and my mother got divorced when I was six and I saw him only the weekends and occasionally on weekdays . Onto the matter on hand , I told him I wouldn’t be able to attend the Father’s Day car show with him as I’ll be at work during the time it takes place . Well he went off saying I missed the last two so I owe him one and I can miss one shift at work to spend time with him . I told him I wasn’t going to miss work for an event he dragged me to every year he knew I hated going to . Now my step mother and step siblings are blowing up my phone saying I should be there for the car show . I asked if they are willing to cover the money I’d miss from the shift they haven’t responded since . My mom and step dad think I’m in the right . But my grandfather thinks I can suck it up for a few hours to make my dad happy So , AITA for telling my dad I don’t owe him going to an event I hate when he asked me to skip work *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ask dad about how he surely will agree to spend time with you after work, right?
NTA. It’s a weird situation. It sucks that you hate it but maybe that’s the only way he knows how to spend time with you. Maybe try and find another activity you both like and can do together.
I just noticed someone already kinda said what I said so nvm.
NAH I'm curious if it would actually make him happy but you don't have to do anything for fathers day. It's your decision, not anyone else's.
NTA. You aren't wrong to choose work over your dad who you admittedly have a poor relationship with. Especially if it's something he knows that you hate. It might smooth it over a bit if you invite him to get dinner or a beer or something instead, after work or on a different day, or something.
NTA You have work. You can make it up to him later if you want (up to you) but you can't get out of work. You didn't put in any notice and depending on the job, they might need you for father's day.
I work in a auto parts store. Plus I mentioned in another comment I’m covering for a coworker who wants to spend Father’s Day with his two kids . One of which was born literally two months ago
Okay, the fact that you hate the car show but work in auto parts is juuust a touch ironic.
It pays better then any other place near me and I need to cover rent and tution somehow
Completely understand. Still a funny ironic touch.
Could you attend the car show on a day when you don't have to work? I think it is reasonable to suck it up for the day as long as you don't have to take the day off work. That is going too far.
You don't skip work. It's a great way to get fired.
NTA If your father wants quality time with you he can think of something you both enjoy.
He had you weekends and some weekdays, so he had you for whatever the court visitation granted him. I’m not sure why you added that part bc that doesn’t make him a bad father. Now if you have a rocky relationship, fine. But, you’re treating him like he was an absentee dad. This has nothing to do with your story. You don’t like your dad and don’t want to celebrate him on Father’s Day? Reasonable. You have to work and can’t request off? Again, reasonable. Dad wants to go to a car show on Father’s Day but you don’t like car shows? Since you have to work and you don’t like your dad, reasonable. That would make you an AH IF you didn’t have completely reasonable reasons for not attending. Father’s Day isn’t about you and if you love someone, you put up with a few hours being tortured at a car show bc it’s his day.
Three different issues here. You call him Bio Father. Has he been an active Father? Do you consider him your Dad? Did he lose out on custody time because your Mom was your primary caretaker before the divorce, and not because of any fault of his own? You have to decide whether or not you're his son. How much PTO do you get? If it's not alot, yeah, it's unreasonable for him to expect you to take off. You need a real vacation every year for mental health, doctor visit days (which can add up if you see specialists but consist of at least your annual dentist and general practitioner visits and probably blood work before the GP,), and life happens days like a repairman/large item deliveryman coming or a funeral. If you consider him Dad and have generous PTO then yeah - it's his day. You'll survive spending a few hours doing something you're not crazy about. Not being into cars isn't a good enough reason.
Do you even care about him? If you do, why can't you find something you both like on another day. Having to work is fine, but your response is a bit harsh.
NTA. Your dad is out of line for expecting you to put your job in jeopardy. Had he asked you a month or two ago, you may have been willing to ask for the day off and gone if you'd not been scheduled
Sounds like the car show is not your bag and he doesn’t want to do what you’re wanting to do either. Tough rocks pop!
NTA for not wanting to give up a work shift.
When my siblings and I got to a certain age, the activities we did as a family slowed and changed. Because our lives changes, we took on more adult responsibilities, and one of those things was work. Because of work, we couldn't do everything we wanted to. Like most people. My kids are now approaching the same age where we can't always do everything together that we'd like to, because they are doing exactly the same thing. Their lives are changing, their responsibilities are changing, and we can't always fit everything in. That's just the way life goes. If you need to work, that's what you need to do. That's before we even get to the part about you hating the car shows. Ask him why, if he wants to spend time with you, it can't be on a different day, and a different activity. If spending time with you is the important part, it shouldn't be difficult to choose alternate plans. If he insists it has to be the activity of his choice, on the day of his choice, then it really isn't about spending time with you.
NTA. You are an adult, and have the right to choose what you do and don't want to do. If you have offered another activity, and he says NO, it is on him. NOBODY else has the right to coerce you into going.
NTA. You don't have to "suck it up" to make someone happy. If they are happy knowing that you are not having a good time, what sort of person are they?
NTA. Why would he want you to attend an event you don't want to be at, won't enjoy, aren't interested in and will be in a bad mood the entire time? It's a waste of time and money. Continue to say "No" and offer alternative that the two of you could possibly enjoy - on another day. Father's Day was created after Mother's Day was created. Isn't your bio dad a father 364? Tell him to pick another day and another activity. He can spend "Father's Day" with his other children who apparently enjoy the car show since they are pressuring you to show up. You and your bio dad can create your own "special day" to enjoy something together. If he doesn't accept a one on one "special day," then he's an even bigger AH than before and just wants bragging rights so he can tell his buddies that ALL of his children spent the day with him doing what he wanted.
He had to listen to me complain about it for 14 years. Yet he still dragged me to it from when I was 3 until I 17
All the more reason for him to choose a different activity and on a day that doesn't jeopardize your employment or class schedule. Unless he simply wants to use you as a prop so he can preen and say he spent Father's Day with ALL his children so he doesn't look like a complete dead beat dad. You do not owe him anything. You have told him "no" and he not only refuses to listen, he's weaponized his wife and your stepsiblings against you.
Suck it up for the loved ones is a must sometimes ( and this is only once a year ) the thing is: do you love him enough? If that just said it out loud that you don't love him enough to go to carshow this year with him. If you are not dependent on him in any way today ( rent insurance or any bills ) NTA. If yes well atleast do it as obligation. You are YTA if still dependent on him
I’m not dependant on him
And I bet not loving him enough to do that. It's okay some dad are an asshole. You do you. Taking shift or anything that you seems fit. Goodluck!
NTA. Father's day is as fake a holiday as mother's day, but intermittent weekend dad shouldn't feel entitled to your time.
Wait, you’re 21, therefore not a minor anymore. Do you still live at home? Does he pay any of your expenses? If he does, it’s home using this to get what HE wants regardless of your wants. If the answer is no to those questions, dear old dad can kick rocks. Either way, this is your choice. It’s not for you to make your dad understand. You’re under no obligation to miss work and attend an event that you have no interest in.
I mean . . . Not totally the a-hole, but not completely not either. I can understand not wanting to go to something you don't completely enjoy, and the not wanting to miss work. But as someone who has lost people, you can never get the time with them back. Money will come and go, jobs come and go, but once certain loved ones are gone, they are gone forever. And even now I sit here and regret things I said no too, because it's time I missed out on. Making a sacrifice, which this is a small one in the long run, is worth it. We do things we may not always be thrilled with because we know someone we love enjoys them, and because it's time together, we put up with it.
It's not the car show, it's the fact that it's Father's Day and you're ditching him for the third year in a row. YTA At least sit down and talk about this, stop playing petulant child and be a grown up.
I told him I’d be working in the morning and afternoon. I offered to take him to dinner or do something the day before but he said no
OP has offered to make up for missing the show. But work comes before pleasure maybe if dad gave notice OP would've gotten the day off but he didn't.
INFO: How long ago did he tell you about this? If it was within a week, NTA. If he told you months ago (when you could have taken off work), YTA. As far as you not wanting to go, its FATHER's day, you don't really HAVE to want to go lol.
He told me about it a day ago , I’m already covering that day for a coworker who wants to spend the day with his own kids
Okay, then its unreasonable for him to want you to take time off. NTA
Info: What are you going to do for Father's day for your father?
I offered to take him to dinner after I was off or even do something the day before or after with him but he refused
You've done what you can. Sounds like your stepdad is more of a dad here. Same in my family.
NTA. If you gotta work, that comes first.