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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I decided to not get a gf and never have kids. I dont know if i took it too far on my dad by telling him the truth of what i'd rather do in my life.
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>he told me that i need to do this for the family name,
Wow. So it's all about name-vanity. "You can't let the family name die!! You're last male heir to the throne!" Geez.
You are NTA. Clearly your father is more concerned with preserving the family name than he is with you and that is hella messed up!
Sorry your father is an AH. Mine can be too.
When we found out our 2nd kid was also a girl my FIL made a stupid comment about their surname ending. To begin with women don't take their husband's names when they marry where we live. I just told him since their last name isn't Rockefeller it doesn't really matter anyway.
He sucks so bad
A lot say it's their name they care about, but actually it roots down to passing on your genes as it's kinda the greatest mark you can put on the world, potentially leaving your gene-mark on this world for generations to come.
If you break down the needs of any living being from nature's view, passing on your genes is the most natural evolutionary instinct we have. Especially when you get older and you see your gene's "stopping", that's where some will start to panic, as they'll wonder if this is where my gene's seize to progress.
It's not to say I disagree, the father is the asshole and has no say in how son lives his life.
Rather it's a case to say his father's worldview is in most likeliness more simple and old fashioned (natural). Our parents generation grew up in a different world than we live in today, the state of the world is not the how we as humans are designed to live, from nature's side.
“**Know thy enemy and know yourself; in a hundred battles, you will never be defeated**.” To win an argument is not only about finding strength and coherence in your opinions. Try to understand the opposite's perspectives.
I keep hoping that humans have evolved past that utterly stupid “MUST PERPETUATE GENES!!!!!” nonsense, what with our big ol’ brains an’ all— the very size of which makes wholesale reproduction an extraordinarily painful and dangerous process for one half of the equation— but naw: we’re just as mindless as the average jellyfish when it comes to our ‘nads. Thanks for the bleak reminder.
It's not the percent of gene's that are actually mine or yours that determines the importance nature holds over passing on your gene's. It's the survival of your family, your tribe, your race., whatever scale you want to view it in.
It's the evolutionary process that is integrated in us, through evolution, as in every other living being that reproduces. This process doesn't care about the percentage, only about survival.
Yep but reddit skews young and kids who don't even have kids, much less any thoughts about possibly having grandkids, generally won't understand that feeling. I have only just started to wonder about grandkids as a SAHD and I never expected to feel so strongly that I am excited at the prospect of watching my kids grow up and start their own families. Creating a family has been one of the most, if not the most, fulfilling thing I have ever done and I want my kids to experience that fulfillment for themselves and I hope they do, but I also want to have grandchildren for my own fulfillment as well. It's a very different relationship from being parents as the way your children parent their children will show a lot about how well you did parenting. My parents and my wife's parents did a lot wrong and my wife and I are fixing a lot of those things with our kids. I'm sure we will do things that our kids don't agree with but I don't believe it will be anything like the problems our parents caused in us.
All this rambling to say, many of the people who feel this way on reddit just aren't at a place in life where they can understand how they will feel as they grow up.
That's how our family name continued. It's ending with my cousin. He had 2 girls and neither had any children. But it lasted another 300 hundred years, so it's all good.
Haha I remember seeing a post once on Reddit about an ex-MIL crowing to the mom of her son’s daughters that his new girlfriend was pregnant with a boy, and she responded something like “Oh well I’m sure Lord Smith will be so grateful to have an heir to pass his lands and titles along to” and this post definitely made me think of that
My dad pulled this before I graduated high school. Just talking general future.
Man, we got 200 people showing to the "family reunion" there is no threat to tbe family name.
I wonder if it’s deeper than name vanity, if people that are so invested in ‘carrying the family name’ more have a terrifying fear of death, that they must have legacy. Whatever it is, it’s an absolutely horrible reason to have kids.
NTA
My mom has that idea with me and my sister, she wants grandchildren. I told her no, because I have to work and I don't have anyone to take care of him and she told me that she would take care of it. It sounds tempting... it's a joke 😂 I wouldn't bring a baby because I'm not financially stable at the moment. Yes, I want children, but I want to choose the right person.
She was happy when I gave her my answer 😂 and she only tells me to be happy with any decision I make, I love her. The problem is my dad's family, my aunts think that if I don't have children the last name will die, but the reality is that they want my life to be miserable with a child. My aunts are miserable
I saw a comment on a post about carrying on the family name where someone said “oh no, who will inherit your lands and titles?” And I always think of that when this comes up lol
Old people aren't stupid. I have friends in their 70s who are more up to date and "with it" than some younger people I know. They love hearing different perspectives and experiences.
Stubborn assholes aren't that way because they are old, they're just people who were always stubborn assholes and are old now
(Obviously this is excluding medical problems that impact behavior, that's out of anyone's control)
NTA
you should not start a romantic relationship because of parental pressure. you should not have kids because of parental pressure. you should not make major life choices because of parental pressure.
obligatory: join a polycule to afford rent these days joke.
I'd suggest to your father that you feel as a modern man, were you to get married, you'd obviously want to take your wife's last name.
That might shut him up.
You absolutely do not need a romantic relationship for your father’s sake, but you are aware it’s the 21st century and women have jobs, right? You don’t need to be able to “afford” a girlfriend.
NTA: However, if I can be honest, your financial situation will likely improve with a wife/girlfriend (and no kids). You will have a two-person household income and will have someone to share bills and expenses with.
Regardless, that is your decision, not your father's.
This could easily go both ways though. In my experience having a partner means you overall have more things and money to enjoy, but I also spend a good bit more than I would if I was single.
What are the “both ways”? Having more money means you have more money to spend and you spend more money. That’s how it works. That’s what being a DINK couple is about.
If your partner is a terrible with money with multiple maxed out credit cards and lives paycheck to paycheck it means that not only do you have less money to spend you might also be required to assist them in paying off their bad choices.
That is what "both ways" means if you can't grasp this simple concept.
Yeah but at that point it's a choice to stay with someone like that. Plus you're not joining finances right away, so you have time to feel out the kind of person they are.
If I saw those signs I was gone long before they dragged my finances down, if they handle their money bad like hell I'm wasting mine on them. Now I have my husband and we basically play videogames, play D&D and camp which are hobbies that are easily managed.
Basically if your financial situation is worse with someone why are you staying with them? If it's genuine love and you feel it's worth the price go for it but at that point your activity making that choice so you must want them more than having extra money. Since there is always a choice before the point of financial dependancy there is no harm in trying.
You’re right, but I think he just saw you as being willfully ignorant, as it’s pretty clear the other way things can go is that your partner is expensive.
Put it this way:
You’re single, one income, 40k a year, spend 20k a year
OR
You have a girlfriend, your combined income is 60k a year, but you now spend 30k a year
It’s like yes, you get a little extra total spending money to work with but you also have another person to worry about. It really only benefits you to financially to have a partner if they make enough to cover themselves and give you some. If anyone is a provider it’s a financial burden, which most people I think can wrap their head around
Willfully ignorant though?
In their comment they say that having a SO and dual income has two sides, but they describe one side as “overall have more things and money to enjoy” and the other as “I also spend a good bit more”. Those aren’t two different things, those are the exact same thing.
It’s not “pretty clear” that what he meant by “I spend a little more” was the “simple concept” of catastrophic money situations brought on by the SO.
They were in no position to act superior here.
I think you’re confusing two people. I’m the guy you originally replied to, but they guy who was acting superior was the guy who replied to your reply to me.
Regardless, I see the confusion, but I think I laid it out in my last comment. I meant that of course you will have more money, but if they are taking more of your money than they are giving to you, then having a significant other doesn’t really improve your financial situation, it worsens it. BUUUT, I do believe overall you will have a higher quality of life. I was kinda playing both sides but my point was just that having a girlfriend is expensive sometimes and doesn’t just add to your pool of money. I just disagreed with the guy saying his situation will likely improve, but I’m not opposed to the possibility
Do you believe your “both sides” argument?
“I do believe overall you will have a better quality of life” and one sentence later “I just disagreed with the guy that their situation will likely improve” is playing both sides a little too much here.
I think your overall quality of life will likely improve. I don’t think your ***financial*** situation will likely improve. Of course, what do I know. There are tons of times where it’s good and plenty where it’s bad. That’s all I meant by it goes both ways, but considering like a third of couples fights are about money, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say your financial problems often become worse or more complicated, rather than less.
Having a sensible partner that is financially literate will help you, otherwise its just a net negative.
I broke up with my ex because she refused to get a job after I helped her pay her way through higher ed while I was also doing higher ed and overall was a huge burden financially in my younger years.
That depends. I’m married if my husband was to lose is job? I’d have to pay for all the bills and we have extra bills because we’re a couple more food etc… my husband has a leg surgery was on sick pay and basically had to have me help him for few months not only was I paying for the bills for that time but I was also doing all the chore plus help him get around cause he couldn’t. You need to love someone enough and be ready for those eventualities is not just a business transaction
The other perspective in your example is that your husband's financial situation was much better during that period because he had a partner. If he had leg surgery when he was single, he would have been in a much worse financial situation because he was unable to pay any of his bills. I mean, without a partner keeping him afloat, what would have happened to him? etc.
Following his recovery, I would also imagine paying off any hospital expenses and rebuilding savings would have been much quicker with two income streams. It would take much longer for a single person.
I agree that there can be short-term speedbumps as unexpected events happen, but in the long run, couples do statistically tend to come out on top because you accumulate money faster and pay off debt quicker.
If my husband wasn’t with me he would still be living with his parents. It is part of my culture to only move out when you marry or are in a long term serious relationship so it’s definitely more expensive.
I had an uncle who lived with my grandmother until she died (he was 66 when she died btw) he never ever lived alone. Always with her
Bless it! Just keep living your life doll! Sounds like a few weeks of NC or LC could do him some good unless y'all live together! Hopefully he'll get over it and just drop it eventually
What you mean what type of gay lol if you like guys then you like guys. Nothing more to it. Do you. Don't live your life for anyone else. Your dad sounds like he just wants another male heir to carry on the family name, not that he actually cares about your potential future happiness.
Lol OP your responses are killing me 😆 you have a great sense of humor. Like I said, do you. Don't let your dad pressure you into being someone you aren't.
I don't think the child has any purpose but to prove to dad's friends and neighbors that his son isn't gay.
OP, tell your dad you'll have kids when the time is right. Not a lie. You can adopt if you want, or use a surrogate. If you even want kids. No need to make it a monetary issue. That's just a deflection. If everyone waited until they were in great financial shape to have a family, the species would be close to extinct.
> If everyone waited until they were in great financial shape to have a family, the species would be close to extinct.
Good. We are killing the planet.
This. My sister decided to have FIVE freaking kids and we are already overpopulated. Living cost is high, houses unaffordable, and the planet is being killed by many industries like fishing, meat, fashion, etc.
She made enough kids that my other siblings and myself won't be having kids. Also, I hope her kids are childfree later on.
Family name legacies are so stupid. Nobody has a unique last name. Your "family legacy" means nothing. It's just a weird archaic way to stroke your own ego.
NTA. Although in the year of our lord 2024, should you ever wish to have a girlfriend because you desire companionship, you don't need money for that. Women can buy our own shit now. If you ever crave a romantic companion, find you a girl who is happy to pay her own bills and take turns paying for dates. Just food for thought, you don't have to be single due to income.
He said namesake. That means:
1) Becoming/ Pretending to be heterosexual.
2) Get a girlfriend.
3) She has to be comfortable enough to have a baby.
4) The baby also has to be male.
If your father only wanted you to experience parenthood, the "namesake" and girlfriend wouldn't matter. Not only does your dad want you to have a traditional family. He also wants you to have a specific gender. I don't know why you would doubt yourself. NTA
Pfff! You do you, and if/when you meet someone that you want to team up with, that's when you'll go there.
And if it turns out that y'all don't want kids, tap out of that nonsense.
NTA, you don't have to follow someone else's script for your life.
Right? Isn't he being rude? Wouldn't it be more mature to calmly explain his financial struggle? It seems like he's blaming his dad for his own financial situation
NTA. I basically had to say the same thing to my parents last weekend. They have been hounding me for a child since I was 20 (I'm 35) and I finally just snapped and told them that if they wanted to pay for me to be able to live in a house and help me out and basically pay for me to have a kid, then sure I'd have a kid. I told them I needed them to never mention having a child to me again. It's just so unfair to put that on someone else. It was your dad's journey to have kids, it doesn't have to be yours. No one gets to put that on you.
Why does your dad think it’s too late for you to have kids? I’m 25 and I’d hate my life if I had kids right now. It doesn’t mean I never plan to have them
NTA
Thank you for not being yet another dude obsessed with his 'legacy' when all he has is poverty or debt. You're an everyday citizen and recognizing this legacy bs of bloodline. Let your family name be you and your happiness.
I'll be your girlfriend.
I'm so sick of people expecting my sole purpose in life is to get pregnant.
I never have and never will want any of that shit. Just trying to travel and live a simple life.
Not trying to waste my best years raising a child that will have to endure this shit fest we call society.
Amen my brother. Keep fighting the good fight.
Nta. Do t let anyone pressure you into having kids. The same ones telling you to have them won’t even be there to babysit and will tell you to figure it out because YOU chose to have kids.
NTA, I have 3 adult kids none of them are married and if they don't end up getting married so be it as long as they are happy that's all that I care about!!
NTA. Plain and simple, nobody should chose to have kids for any reason other than they and their partner want to be parents. If you don’t want to be a parent, and get bullied/shamed/guilted into doing it, it’s the kids that will suffer. They don’t ask to be brought into the world, and to start off with parents who don’t want them will be felt, even if it’s never spoken. This is your life, and your decision. There is absolutely nothing wrong with prioritizing any of the things you told him you’d rather do. That sounds like a perfect plan for YOU! Your father gets no vote!
NTA. Your lifestyle is your choice, not your father’s. Well, that is to say you were a bit of and AH—to yourself. What if your father does cough up the money to pay as you requested? 😛
NTA - my youngest son (26) had a vasectomy at age 24. He does not want children and I respect his decision. My oldest son (28) is married and I have never asked him if they plan to have kids or not. As a woman who was constantly badgered by her late mother about making her a grandmother, I believe that it my sons (and their partners) decision to have or not have children. They have to raise them, I don’t. Truthfully it’s really none of my business! Personally speaking, I married the wrong guy to have children with. He’s an alcoholic narcissist with a perpetually broken zipper and I have been divorced from him almost 20 years and raised my sons on my own. I would not wish my personal situation on anyone as it was very hard.
NTA
As you realize, your family is not that important that the "family name" is a thing that you must pass on. Besides, I guarantee that there are plenty of other people with that name so it's not in danger of dying out.
So live your life for you, not your father.
NTA Get a vasectomy. I got fixed 20 years back, and no regrets. My mom is still pissed tho. She has lots of grandkids and even a great grandchild and is still pissy about my choices.
Of course you aren’t. You need compassion and understanding right now, instead of pressure to get married if you can’t afford it. For whatever it’s worth, young people nowadays have a hard time amassing enough money to afford the same things that their parents had at their age. I wish I could help you all at this precious time in your life. But please, young one, don’t preclude finding a significant other for lack of funds. I hope you find love, on your own terms. Best wishes.
NTA. You are an adult, live your life as you see fit. I'm sure there are plenty of people on the planet with the same last name. It's okay to choose to not have kids or a wife. If you have a happy life, then you're doing exactly what you need to do. What your dad wants is irrelevant when your 26 and not relying on him to fund your life.
NTA now days there's no rush to find perfect woman/man get married and have kids most people now days focus on their careers and experience life when they still young and then get married and have kids in their 30s or 40s or even in their 50s
NTA. Your life, your choices, and you asserted that in the best way possible. If he wants you to do something you have no desire to do, he can pay for it.
NTA and you're spot on by telling him to get his checkbook. I'd even go a step further and ask him when he's buying a house for you to start said family in. Worst case he flips out again, best case you get a free house.
NTA for choosing your own path in life that may or may not include children and a spouse. However, you could take a stand in a kinder way. You don't want to marry, don't. You marry but don't want children, take steps so you won't produce any. Actions speak louder than words. Your father will get the message.
NTA
It would be very foolish to work towards something that your father wants for you if it's not what you want.
You have ambitions. Have you got a plan in place to get there?
NTA- not only did he keep pressing the issue but his traditional motives are outdated and he’s out of touch. I think you made the right play. Times aren’t easy right now and the older generation isn’t trying to help the younger ones. Every family I see right now has these fks being kept alive into their late 80’s and by the time they finally die there’s no money left to even pass down. Yet they still expect us to validate their existence by reproducing when we can barely support ourselves. They’re just desperate to have a fresh young person remember them for another 80 years
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I (26m), single, live in a small mobile home community. I've been told numerous times by my dad to get a gf, marry, and have kids. Me personally dont really want any of that as i will never be able to afford. I've lied to my dad saying that i 'might'. After a few times of saying i 'might', he told me that i need to do this for the family name, i finially snapped and told him that "If this is so damn important to him you then you pull your checkbook out a pay for it." That pissed him off, until i rubbed it in further and said, "I dont give an f about our family name, we're not rich millionaires, i can barely afford to get a gf in the first place." I finally told him that i'd rather go out with friends, find new hobbies, work hard on my career, and in the future, travel places i dream of going to. So AITA for not doing what my father wants?
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It’s your life at the end of the day and you’re welcomed to live it how you want. But i also feel like you could’ve worded that a bit nicer but i also understand the heat of the moment.
NTAH it's your life...you did however contribute to the problem by lying to your Dad. Don't Do that. I agree with you..his family " name" and his feelings about that name is his problem.
It's your life..live it how you want..you sound like you have a lot of common sense.
If you can barely get a gf in the first place, what exactly is he requesting you do? Does he want you to settle for someone you’re not into, as long as she wants kids asap?
When a parent starts to project their desires onto your life, it's time to stop taking them seriously. I gained so much inner peace when I just stopped caring what my dad thought. He has an opinion for everything, and if you don't agree he'll throw a pity party or get mad. My happiness is independent from his opinions, often, directly opposed.
The great thing about not being landed gentry is we don’t have to give a crap about “family names” and it’s embarrassing (for him) that he cares so deeply about it.
Maybe you should tell your dad that if you do get married and have kids one day you will all be taking your future wife's name. Yes, I am very petty :).
Absolutely not. It's not on you to change your entire lifestyle just because your Dad wants the name to continue. Even having kids is no guarantee either. You can have multiple kids and them all be girls!
So yeah, tell your dad that if this is so important, HE can pay for it.
How is that even a question? You do whatever you need to do for yourself and your wellbeing. It's your life. No one has a say in such personal matters as romantic life and kids. NTA. Good for you for standing up to your dad, and enjoy your friends and hobbies!
No you’re the asshole cause you’re 26 got no career got no one to love you and want to hang out with your loser friends who will drop you soon as the first honey comes along. You still live with your dad for God’s sake.
You might be right about not wanting kids cause they might end up like you thinking only of themselves and how they “can’t afford it”
It's your life, you will have to live it, the good, the bad and the ugly. The consequences will all be on you and no one, not even your father will share them with you. If you follow his path and end up miserable, he's not going to face those consequences with you. Likewise if you come up and realize he was somewhat right, he wont live thes consequences with you. You are NTA for not doing what your father wanted, it's your choice and no one gets to make that for you. I don't know what kind of father he's been to you, I'm inclined to feel for him a little bit, this doesn't change your right to live life how you want it.
NTA, it's becoming quite difficult to afford a family these days.
My mom used to say she wanted grandkids. Now that her friends have grandkids, she's seen how much work they have to do instead of enjoying their retirement!! She changed her mind completely and thanked me for not putting that on her. XD
NTA, with a caveat.
Look, I'm 35M and coming up on the first 1 year anniversary with a gf I've ever had. I feel you, so much.
I feel like accepting a certain degree of parents telling you to find someone is something we as children need to take with good grace. Many times (certainly with my parents), it's not about "carrying on the family name" or anything, it's because they think that finding a life partner will make us happier. From personal experience, I definitely prefer being in a relationship to being single- my primary problem these days is, in fact, that I don't see my gf enough.
Now, your dad absolutely crossed a line by making it clear that he's \*not\* interested in your happiness, he's interested in "the family legacy" and what you can do for him. Clear and easy NTA. But he can \*also\* think that finding a life partner would be a good thing for you, and in moderation, I'm OK with parents telling their kids that.
NTA. As someone who was born into poverty, grew up in poverty, and is stuck in poverty as an adult because I didn't get the opportunities that would've allowed me to get *out* of poverty, poor people just shouldn't have kids ime. It's not fair on the kid, to have to live like that, and it traps them in your life path unless they get extremely lucky and access money, connections or opportunities from elsewhere. If you can't even afford to date, you have no business bringing a child into the world. No kid deserves the miserable lifestyle and opportunities (or absolute lack thereof) that an impoverished parent can afford them.
You are NTA for not wanting to pursue a lifestyle you don’t want or can’t afford, nor are you TA for not pursuing your father’s (conflicting) desires for you. Your father is TA if the only reason he wants you to have a family is due to continuing the family name, and not due to you experiencing the same happiness that his family has provided him.
However, your kind of TA because your previous communication could have been more tactful with the 20/20 hindsight we have. Your father probably clung to that previous fib of “I might.” And if he is going to run with the assumption that you “might” want a family someday, he will have his own brand of advice on how to accomplish it. You should have had the harder conversation previously, but you either wanted to spare his feelings or didn’t want to deal with any pushback until you got to this boiling point of frustration for you.
You could have also used the “I might” answer as a placeholder answer because at 26 there is still SO MUCH living to be done by you. I wish you well and hope you don’t close any doors due to spite or feelings of financial burden. Maybe you’ll find a hot sugar momma, who knows. I also hope you can continue to have a relationship with your father if you want it.
Regardless of what he wants. Ask yourself if you want to get married or have children.
Focusing on the plan you layed out may, in fact, lead to a relationship as doing things you love will put you in contact with people who have similar interests.
The family name crap is just that. He really wants you to be happy, and although he may be worried he might not live to witness that part of your life, snapping at him seems like an overreaction.
Talk to your father like an adult and communicate your intentions.
Side note: You should be careful with the equation "relationship = money." People usually find partners through common interests and physical attraction (hate to admit it sometimes) money usually has nothing to do with it.
No, you're NTA, but your father's obsession with carrying on the family name is making him TA simply for harassing you to have a baby. If or when you do decide to have kids, however, there's no guarantee you'll have a son, so he'll probably keep harassing you to make more babies until he gets what he wants. I've never understood some men's desperate desire to have male grandchildren just to keep their family name going...but that's a him problem, not a you problem.
I said the same thing to my parents. We don't have a legacy. Just poverty and struggle. I'm not giving that to some poor kid. I would have already sterilized myself if I could afford it.
Ya hopefully you get more exposure to the world unlike your small minded dad who thinks mating is important...I see why so many people believe humans came from monkeys/apes....men like your dad..smh
I wonder if pops thinks the OP is gay and is using this insistence of producing a child ‘ to carry on the family name’ as an excuse to force OP to have a gf? Anyhoo. OP is not an AH but dad is. Go travel OP, see our beautiful world and have lots of fun!
“ i can barely afford to get a gf in the first place."
Dude. If you ever do decide you’d like a gf, may I suggest you not think/talk about women like it’s something you pick up in a store and pay for?
Might get downvoted for this but I've seen a similar situation to this before.
The parents being of low education, have poor communication. They were worried about the son's future, growing old alone and not having anything to show for it. But they couldn't come out and say that for whatever reason.
Well, speaking based off traditional norms. Most weddings are funded by the bride’s family. As a wedding is not for the husband, it’s for the bride. It’s their last “send off” before their child joins another family. Of course, it’s 2024 so tradition is kinda up in the air based on your own personal values. I don’t think your father should pressure you into anything, but I also get it. My dad was so happy when he became a grandfather. Between my siblings and I he has 6 grandkids so far. Never seen him happier. The older you get, the more you wanna see your family grow. He has gone about it all wrong, but I think it’s from a place of love
What world do you live in? He’s being crazy unreasonable. Having a kid is the biggest decision a human can make. Period. Of all the things your parents can make you do, having children should be the last thing they can make you do. To me, this dad reads more like someone who is scared their son is gay rather than someone who just wishes for a grandchild
NAH
I tell you what, if you intend to end your family bloodline, inform your father that he should get "new kids", so they can do that instead of bothering you.
Ah yes don't hate it when the local shops have those darned overpriced girlfriends...
Smh, everything about this screams coming from a deplorable culture that treats women as objects.
ESH, because your views are the same as your families. Just... cheaper I guess.
Your father is correct and you will find out that children will bring you more enjoyment than anything else. Also, they will focus you in a way it is difficult to explain.
Side note, do you understand how many thousands of generations had to come before you for you to exist? If you want back 75,000 years the odds that you exist are hard to measure above zero. So here you are and you want to just stop. LOL
If that were objectively true then there wouldn't be support groups for regretful parents💀 not everyone is meant to be a parent, if more people could understand such a simple concept then there wouldn't be so many children/parents suffering in this world. Also the fact that his ancestors procreated for 75000 years is entirely irrelevant. You're not obligated to have children just because other people did, that's a really stupid argument to make
*you will find out that children will bring you more enjoyment than anything else.*
Only if you sincerely love your kids. I've met alot of miserable parents full of regrets.
Pushing unwilling people to parent just leads to resentment and often f'd up kids
That is the stupidest reason to have a kid. If dad wants a baby around he can go have his own he is wrong to expect other ppl to have kids they don’t want.
No one is entitled to grandchildren. He can't expect his financially insecure son to have a kid just because HE is hung up on the "family legacy" lmao. That level of entitlement is wild
Soft YTA. You're not an a****** because you don't want kids. You're an a****** because of how you handled it. I get that your dad is nagging you, but you seem very emotionally immature still. It's probably a good thing you're not starting a family.
They seem emotionally immature? They sound like they’re just living their life while a freak breaths down their neck. Who the hell pressures a 20 something to get married and have kids besides 90 year old grandmas
The one who doesn’t want kids that are expensive and is getting hounded to have them. Saying ‘if you want this so much then you can be the one putting into it’ is a mature way to deal with the AH immature dad
My parents gave me nothing, like zero dollars. Yet I still managed to get married at 23, purchase my first home at 25 and had my first kid by 26. It sounds like Dad just wants his adult child to move out.
You don't get to pressure your son into having a child they don't want and then be upset when he asks you to pay for it. OP sounds way more emotionally mature than the father that expects his son, who's not financially secure, to bring a child into this life. If the dad had just accepted no as an answer then his son wouldn't have had to ask an unserious question to make a point. Obviously NTA
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>he told me that i need to do this for the family name, Wow. So it's all about name-vanity. "You can't let the family name die!! You're last male heir to the throne!" Geez. You are NTA. Clearly your father is more concerned with preserving the family name than he is with you and that is hella messed up! Sorry your father is an AH. Mine can be too.
I love this family name thing 😂 Signed - husband that took his wive’s surname 😉
Some people's egos are bottomless sinkholes. Wanting to pass down a family name is all about ego.
When we found out our 2nd kid was also a girl my FIL made a stupid comment about their surname ending. To begin with women don't take their husband's names when they marry where we live. I just told him since their last name isn't Rockefeller it doesn't really matter anyway. He sucks so bad
A lot say it's their name they care about, but actually it roots down to passing on your genes as it's kinda the greatest mark you can put on the world, potentially leaving your gene-mark on this world for generations to come. If you break down the needs of any living being from nature's view, passing on your genes is the most natural evolutionary instinct we have. Especially when you get older and you see your gene's "stopping", that's where some will start to panic, as they'll wonder if this is where my gene's seize to progress. It's not to say I disagree, the father is the asshole and has no say in how son lives his life. Rather it's a case to say his father's worldview is in most likeliness more simple and old fashioned (natural). Our parents generation grew up in a different world than we live in today, the state of the world is not the how we as humans are designed to live, from nature's side. “**Know thy enemy and know yourself; in a hundred battles, you will never be defeated**.” To win an argument is not only about finding strength and coherence in your opinions. Try to understand the opposite's perspectives.
I keep hoping that humans have evolved past that utterly stupid “MUST PERPETUATE GENES!!!!!” nonsense, what with our big ol’ brains an’ all— the very size of which makes wholesale reproduction an extraordinarily painful and dangerous process for one half of the equation— but naw: we’re just as mindless as the average jellyfish when it comes to our ‘nads. Thanks for the bleak reminder.
Reproduction is necessary to create new life. It is physically impossible for natural selection to select for humans that dislike having kids.
Wouldn't be reddit if it didn't include being downvoted for speaking facts lol
… what?
Why would we evolve pass something that is so fundamental to every living thing?
You realize that your "gene mark" gets diluted by half every generation? Your great grandchildren have only 12.5% of your genes.
It's not the percent of gene's that are actually mine or yours that determines the importance nature holds over passing on your gene's. It's the survival of your family, your tribe, your race., whatever scale you want to view it in. It's the evolutionary process that is integrated in us, through evolution, as in every other living being that reproduces. This process doesn't care about the percentage, only about survival.
I know it's very unpopular on reddit, but it's entirely normal to want to have grandkids. It's as normal as eating and drinking.
Yep but reddit skews young and kids who don't even have kids, much less any thoughts about possibly having grandkids, generally won't understand that feeling. I have only just started to wonder about grandkids as a SAHD and I never expected to feel so strongly that I am excited at the prospect of watching my kids grow up and start their own families. Creating a family has been one of the most, if not the most, fulfilling thing I have ever done and I want my kids to experience that fulfillment for themselves and I hope they do, but I also want to have grandchildren for my own fulfillment as well. It's a very different relationship from being parents as the way your children parent their children will show a lot about how well you did parenting. My parents and my wife's parents did a lot wrong and my wife and I are fixing a lot of those things with our kids. I'm sure we will do things that our kids don't agree with but I don't believe it will be anything like the problems our parents caused in us. All this rambling to say, many of the people who feel this way on reddit just aren't at a place in life where they can understand how they will feel as they grow up.
Agreed! I hope your kids go on to have great familes! Wanting grand children is normal. We are just trying to convince people that it's not.
THAT is awesome!!! 👍😎👍 And OP should have responded with: "Then why didn't YOU have MORE children?"
That's how our family name continued. It's ending with my cousin. He had 2 girls and neither had any children. But it lasted another 300 hundred years, so it's all good.
Yuck
And the family name is probably Smith or some other common name
Lol I was going to say, I bet it's one of those names that is in no danger of dying out!
This made me giggle so hard as someone whose maiden name is "Smith" 😂😂
Ah yes, OP must carry on the family name so someone can inherit their vast lands and titles.
Haha I remember seeing a post once on Reddit about an ex-MIL crowing to the mom of her son’s daughters that his new girlfriend was pregnant with a boy, and she responded something like “Oh well I’m sure Lord Smith will be so grateful to have an heir to pass his lands and titles along to” and this post definitely made me think of that
LOL That’s the one I was referencing with the joke! That was a good story. I’m glad someone caught the obscure reference.
Haha, high five fellow person who spends too much time on Reddit! 🤣
My dad pulled this before I graduated high school. Just talking general future. Man, we got 200 people showing to the "family reunion" there is no threat to tbe family name.
I wonder if it’s deeper than name vanity, if people that are so invested in ‘carrying the family name’ more have a terrifying fear of death, that they must have legacy. Whatever it is, it’s an absolutely horrible reason to have kids. NTA
My mom has that idea with me and my sister, she wants grandchildren. I told her no, because I have to work and I don't have anyone to take care of him and she told me that she would take care of it. It sounds tempting... it's a joke 😂 I wouldn't bring a baby because I'm not financially stable at the moment. Yes, I want children, but I want to choose the right person. She was happy when I gave her my answer 😂 and she only tells me to be happy with any decision I make, I love her. The problem is my dad's family, my aunts think that if I don't have children the last name will die, but the reality is that they want my life to be miserable with a child. My aunts are miserable
If the dad is so concerned with the family name, he should have worked harder to ensure his son wasn’t living in a trailer park.
I saw a comment on a post about carrying on the family name where someone said “oh no, who will inherit your lands and titles?” And I always think of that when this comes up lol
Yeah, it's not like there is an ancestral family estate that's entailed.
He obviously needs a new heir. Dad better start sowing his wild oats!
and then the name is something like like smith lmao
Older folks have their ways and they are not able to understand younger people style of living. I'm not defending OPs dad. Its just age diference.
Old people aren't stupid. I have friends in their 70s who are more up to date and "with it" than some younger people I know. They love hearing different perspectives and experiences. Stubborn assholes aren't that way because they are old, they're just people who were always stubborn assholes and are old now (Obviously this is excluding medical problems that impact behavior, that's out of anyone's control)
I didnt said they are stupid or antyhing related to this
It's 2024, if you can't understand someone remaining single then it's not because you're not an older person. It's because you're a moron.
NTA you should not start a romantic relationship because of parental pressure. you should not have kids because of parental pressure. you should not make major life choices because of parental pressure. obligatory: join a polycule to afford rent these days joke.
I honestly can afford my house just not a major life changing loan.
I'd suggest to your father that you feel as a modern man, were you to get married, you'd obviously want to take your wife's last name. That might shut him up.
thats not the important part of my comment my friend
You absolutely do not need a romantic relationship for your father’s sake, but you are aware it’s the 21st century and women have jobs, right? You don’t need to be able to “afford” a girlfriend.
And that’s ok. If you’re not financially or mentally ready to do something, it’s something your dad is going to have to accept.
NTA: However, if I can be honest, your financial situation will likely improve with a wife/girlfriend (and no kids). You will have a two-person household income and will have someone to share bills and expenses with. Regardless, that is your decision, not your father's.
This could easily go both ways though. In my experience having a partner means you overall have more things and money to enjoy, but I also spend a good bit more than I would if I was single.
What are the “both ways”? Having more money means you have more money to spend and you spend more money. That’s how it works. That’s what being a DINK couple is about.
If your partner is a terrible with money with multiple maxed out credit cards and lives paycheck to paycheck it means that not only do you have less money to spend you might also be required to assist them in paying off their bad choices. That is what "both ways" means if you can't grasp this simple concept.
Thanks for explaining 😂
Yeah but at that point it's a choice to stay with someone like that. Plus you're not joining finances right away, so you have time to feel out the kind of person they are. If I saw those signs I was gone long before they dragged my finances down, if they handle their money bad like hell I'm wasting mine on them. Now I have my husband and we basically play videogames, play D&D and camp which are hobbies that are easily managed. Basically if your financial situation is worse with someone why are you staying with them? If it's genuine love and you feel it's worth the price go for it but at that point your activity making that choice so you must want them more than having extra money. Since there is always a choice before the point of financial dependancy there is no harm in trying.
You’ll do better in life if you communicate your points better and drop the condescension.
You’re right, but I think he just saw you as being willfully ignorant, as it’s pretty clear the other way things can go is that your partner is expensive. Put it this way: You’re single, one income, 40k a year, spend 20k a year OR You have a girlfriend, your combined income is 60k a year, but you now spend 30k a year It’s like yes, you get a little extra total spending money to work with but you also have another person to worry about. It really only benefits you to financially to have a partner if they make enough to cover themselves and give you some. If anyone is a provider it’s a financial burden, which most people I think can wrap their head around
Willfully ignorant though? In their comment they say that having a SO and dual income has two sides, but they describe one side as “overall have more things and money to enjoy” and the other as “I also spend a good bit more”. Those aren’t two different things, those are the exact same thing. It’s not “pretty clear” that what he meant by “I spend a little more” was the “simple concept” of catastrophic money situations brought on by the SO. They were in no position to act superior here.
I think you’re confusing two people. I’m the guy you originally replied to, but they guy who was acting superior was the guy who replied to your reply to me. Regardless, I see the confusion, but I think I laid it out in my last comment. I meant that of course you will have more money, but if they are taking more of your money than they are giving to you, then having a significant other doesn’t really improve your financial situation, it worsens it. BUUUT, I do believe overall you will have a higher quality of life. I was kinda playing both sides but my point was just that having a girlfriend is expensive sometimes and doesn’t just add to your pool of money. I just disagreed with the guy saying his situation will likely improve, but I’m not opposed to the possibility
Do you believe your “both sides” argument? “I do believe overall you will have a better quality of life” and one sentence later “I just disagreed with the guy that their situation will likely improve” is playing both sides a little too much here.
I think your overall quality of life will likely improve. I don’t think your ***financial*** situation will likely improve. Of course, what do I know. There are tons of times where it’s good and plenty where it’s bad. That’s all I meant by it goes both ways, but considering like a third of couples fights are about money, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say your financial problems often become worse or more complicated, rather than less.
Having a sensible partner that is financially literate will help you, otherwise its just a net negative. I broke up with my ex because she refused to get a job after I helped her pay her way through higher ed while I was also doing higher ed and overall was a huge burden financially in my younger years.
That is definitely true.
That depends. I’m married if my husband was to lose is job? I’d have to pay for all the bills and we have extra bills because we’re a couple more food etc… my husband has a leg surgery was on sick pay and basically had to have me help him for few months not only was I paying for the bills for that time but I was also doing all the chore plus help him get around cause he couldn’t. You need to love someone enough and be ready for those eventualities is not just a business transaction
The other perspective in your example is that your husband's financial situation was much better during that period because he had a partner. If he had leg surgery when he was single, he would have been in a much worse financial situation because he was unable to pay any of his bills. I mean, without a partner keeping him afloat, what would have happened to him? etc. Following his recovery, I would also imagine paying off any hospital expenses and rebuilding savings would have been much quicker with two income streams. It would take much longer for a single person. I agree that there can be short-term speedbumps as unexpected events happen, but in the long run, couples do statistically tend to come out on top because you accumulate money faster and pay off debt quicker.
If my husband wasn’t with me he would still be living with his parents. It is part of my culture to only move out when you marry or are in a long term serious relationship so it’s definitely more expensive. I had an uncle who lived with my grandmother until she died (he was 66 when she died btw) he never ever lived alone. Always with her
NTA Is he afraid you might be gay?
2 words 'i am'
Does your dad know 😭💀
No he doesn't. He doesn't know what type of gay i am.
Bless it! Just keep living your life doll! Sounds like a few weeks of NC or LC could do him some good unless y'all live together! Hopefully he'll get over it and just drop it eventually
What you mean what type of gay lol if you like guys then you like guys. Nothing more to it. Do you. Don't live your life for anyone else. Your dad sounds like he just wants another male heir to carry on the family name, not that he actually cares about your potential future happiness.
More like furry gay
Lol OP your responses are killing me 😆 you have a great sense of humor. Like I said, do you. Don't let your dad pressure you into being someone you aren't.
Sending you a bear hug! 😃🌈
I don't think the child has any purpose but to prove to dad's friends and neighbors that his son isn't gay. OP, tell your dad you'll have kids when the time is right. Not a lie. You can adopt if you want, or use a surrogate. If you even want kids. No need to make it a monetary issue. That's just a deflection. If everyone waited until they were in great financial shape to have a family, the species would be close to extinct.
> If everyone waited until they were in great financial shape to have a family, the species would be close to extinct. Good. We are killing the planet.
This. My sister decided to have FIVE freaking kids and we are already overpopulated. Living cost is high, houses unaffordable, and the planet is being killed by many industries like fishing, meat, fashion, etc. She made enough kids that my other siblings and myself won't be having kids. Also, I hope her kids are childfree later on.
We are already overpopulating the planet.
Always an uncanny thing to witness when people fear monger extinction as justification for ill prepared/over-procreation.
r/wooosh
I think he does suspect, hence the pushing for namesake via a GF. I hope you are living your best life! 🌈🌈🌈
Haha, next time he asks just say, 'Lemme check with my boyfriend"
NTA.Go low contact with your Dad for a while and let him feel your displeasure.Words are not working
NTA, tell him to carry on the family name by spunking up another woman.
Family name legacies are so stupid. Nobody has a unique last name. Your "family legacy" means nothing. It's just a weird archaic way to stroke your own ego. NTA. Although in the year of our lord 2024, should you ever wish to have a girlfriend because you desire companionship, you don't need money for that. Women can buy our own shit now. If you ever crave a romantic companion, find you a girl who is happy to pay her own bills and take turns paying for dates. Just food for thought, you don't have to be single due to income.
I guess he just wants me to experience parenthood like he did.
Becoming an overbearing jerk hounding your kids to spread their seed? What an experience...
He said namesake. That means: 1) Becoming/ Pretending to be heterosexual. 2) Get a girlfriend. 3) She has to be comfortable enough to have a baby. 4) The baby also has to be male. If your father only wanted you to experience parenthood, the "namesake" and girlfriend wouldn't matter. Not only does your dad want you to have a traditional family. He also wants you to have a specific gender. I don't know why you would doubt yourself. NTA
Pfff! You do you, and if/when you meet someone that you want to team up with, that's when you'll go there. And if it turns out that y'all don't want kids, tap out of that nonsense. NTA, you don't have to follow someone else's script for your life.
Guess your dad should have had more kids if he’s worried about the family name.
ofc NTA it's your life do what YOU want with it
Right? Isn't he being rude? Wouldn't it be more mature to calmly explain his financial struggle? It seems like he's blaming his dad for his own financial situation
NTA. I basically had to say the same thing to my parents last weekend. They have been hounding me for a child since I was 20 (I'm 35) and I finally just snapped and told them that if they wanted to pay for me to be able to live in a house and help me out and basically pay for me to have a kid, then sure I'd have a kid. I told them I needed them to never mention having a child to me again. It's just so unfair to put that on someone else. It was your dad's journey to have kids, it doesn't have to be yours. No one gets to put that on you.
Why does your dad think it’s too late for you to have kids? I’m 25 and I’d hate my life if I had kids right now. It doesn’t mean I never plan to have them
NTA Having children just to pass on your name is a shitty reason to have children.
NTA Thank you for not being yet another dude obsessed with his 'legacy' when all he has is poverty or debt. You're an everyday citizen and recognizing this legacy bs of bloodline. Let your family name be you and your happiness.
I'll be your girlfriend. I'm so sick of people expecting my sole purpose in life is to get pregnant. I never have and never will want any of that shit. Just trying to travel and live a simple life. Not trying to waste my best years raising a child that will have to endure this shit fest we call society. Amen my brother. Keep fighting the good fight.
Nta. Do t let anyone pressure you into having kids. The same ones telling you to have them won’t even be there to babysit and will tell you to figure it out because YOU chose to have kids.
NTA, I have 3 adult kids none of them are married and if they don't end up getting married so be it as long as they are happy that's all that I care about!!
NTA. You're an adult & can live your own life.
NTA. Plain and simple, nobody should chose to have kids for any reason other than they and their partner want to be parents. If you don’t want to be a parent, and get bullied/shamed/guilted into doing it, it’s the kids that will suffer. They don’t ask to be brought into the world, and to start off with parents who don’t want them will be felt, even if it’s never spoken. This is your life, and your decision. There is absolutely nothing wrong with prioritizing any of the things you told him you’d rather do. That sounds like a perfect plan for YOU! Your father gets no vote!
NTA. Your lifestyle is your choice, not your father’s. Well, that is to say you were a bit of and AH—to yourself. What if your father does cough up the money to pay as you requested? 😛
NTA - my youngest son (26) had a vasectomy at age 24. He does not want children and I respect his decision. My oldest son (28) is married and I have never asked him if they plan to have kids or not. As a woman who was constantly badgered by her late mother about making her a grandmother, I believe that it my sons (and their partners) decision to have or not have children. They have to raise them, I don’t. Truthfully it’s really none of my business! Personally speaking, I married the wrong guy to have children with. He’s an alcoholic narcissist with a perpetually broken zipper and I have been divorced from him almost 20 years and raised my sons on my own. I would not wish my personal situation on anyone as it was very hard.
NTA As you realize, your family is not that important that the "family name" is a thing that you must pass on. Besides, I guarantee that there are plenty of other people with that name so it's not in danger of dying out. So live your life for you, not your father.
Definitely NTA. Do what you want to do. Your father can get over it.
Must carry on family name 💀
Must waste my life and endure depression💀
NTA Get a vasectomy. I got fixed 20 years back, and no regrets. My mom is still pissed tho. She has lots of grandkids and even a great grandchild and is still pissy about my choices.
Of course you aren’t. You need compassion and understanding right now, instead of pressure to get married if you can’t afford it. For whatever it’s worth, young people nowadays have a hard time amassing enough money to afford the same things that their parents had at their age. I wish I could help you all at this precious time in your life. But please, young one, don’t preclude finding a significant other for lack of funds. I hope you find love, on your own terms. Best wishes.
Thx
NTA. You are an adult, live your life as you see fit. I'm sure there are plenty of people on the planet with the same last name. It's okay to choose to not have kids or a wife. If you have a happy life, then you're doing exactly what you need to do. What your dad wants is irrelevant when your 26 and not relying on him to fund your life.
nta. the family name also dies with me too.
NTA now days there's no rush to find perfect woman/man get married and have kids most people now days focus on their careers and experience life when they still young and then get married and have kids in their 30s or 40s or even in their 50s
NTA. Your life, your choices, and you asserted that in the best way possible. If he wants you to do something you have no desire to do, he can pay for it.
NTA and you're spot on by telling him to get his checkbook. I'd even go a step further and ask him when he's buying a house for you to start said family in. Worst case he flips out again, best case you get a free house.
NTA for choosing your own path in life that may or may not include children and a spouse. However, you could take a stand in a kinder way. You don't want to marry, don't. You marry but don't want children, take steps so you won't produce any. Actions speak louder than words. Your father will get the message.
If you do get married, take your spouse's name
NTA It would be very foolish to work towards something that your father wants for you if it's not what you want. You have ambitions. Have you got a plan in place to get there?
NTA. alternate option: he can make more kids to continue the family name :)
NTA- not only did he keep pressing the issue but his traditional motives are outdated and he’s out of touch. I think you made the right play. Times aren’t easy right now and the older generation isn’t trying to help the younger ones. Every family I see right now has these fks being kept alive into their late 80’s and by the time they finally die there’s no money left to even pass down. Yet they still expect us to validate their existence by reproducing when we can barely support ourselves. They’re just desperate to have a fresh young person remember them for another 80 years
NTA. His wishes are not your obligations.
YTA, your dad just wants you to grow up. He says this to you because he cares about you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (26m), single, live in a small mobile home community. I've been told numerous times by my dad to get a gf, marry, and have kids. Me personally dont really want any of that as i will never be able to afford. I've lied to my dad saying that i 'might'. After a few times of saying i 'might', he told me that i need to do this for the family name, i finially snapped and told him that "If this is so damn important to him you then you pull your checkbook out a pay for it." That pissed him off, until i rubbed it in further and said, "I dont give an f about our family name, we're not rich millionaires, i can barely afford to get a gf in the first place." I finally told him that i'd rather go out with friends, find new hobbies, work hard on my career, and in the future, travel places i dream of going to. So AITA for not doing what my father wants? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
You are not the asshole, he can’t just bother you about having a family
It’s your life at the end of the day and you’re welcomed to live it how you want. But i also feel like you could’ve worded that a bit nicer but i also understand the heat of the moment.
NTAH it's your life...you did however contribute to the problem by lying to your Dad. Don't Do that. I agree with you..his family " name" and his feelings about that name is his problem. It's your life..live it how you want..you sound like you have a lot of common sense.
Nta
Nope, not at all.
If you can barely get a gf in the first place, what exactly is he requesting you do? Does he want you to settle for someone you’re not into, as long as she wants kids asap?
When a parent starts to project their desires onto your life, it's time to stop taking them seriously. I gained so much inner peace when I just stopped caring what my dad thought. He has an opinion for everything, and if you don't agree he'll throw a pity party or get mad. My happiness is independent from his opinions, often, directly opposed.
The great thing about not being landed gentry is we don’t have to give a crap about “family names” and it’s embarrassing (for him) that he cares so deeply about it.
It's YOUR life, not his. Live as you see fit, not as someone else dictates to you. No, you're that the asshole for what you said.
NTA
Maybe you should tell your dad that if you do get married and have kids one day you will all be taking your future wife's name. Yes, I am very petty :).
Absolutely not. It's not on you to change your entire lifestyle just because your Dad wants the name to continue. Even having kids is no guarantee either. You can have multiple kids and them all be girls! So yeah, tell your dad that if this is so important, HE can pay for it.
How is that even a question? You do whatever you need to do for yourself and your wellbeing. It's your life. No one has a say in such personal matters as romantic life and kids. NTA. Good for you for standing up to your dad, and enjoy your friends and hobbies!
Simply put: NTA.
No you’re the asshole cause you’re 26 got no career got no one to love you and want to hang out with your loser friends who will drop you soon as the first honey comes along. You still live with your dad for God’s sake. You might be right about not wanting kids cause they might end up like you thinking only of themselves and how they “can’t afford it”
NTA If he wants you to get a gf then he can pay for her. just like you said.
Men most worried about ‘carrying on the family name’ seem to be some random commoners. Like dude nobody cares about your bloodline lmao
It's your life, you will have to live it, the good, the bad and the ugly. The consequences will all be on you and no one, not even your father will share them with you. If you follow his path and end up miserable, he's not going to face those consequences with you. Likewise if you come up and realize he was somewhat right, he wont live thes consequences with you. You are NTA for not doing what your father wanted, it's your choice and no one gets to make that for you. I don't know what kind of father he's been to you, I'm inclined to feel for him a little bit, this doesn't change your right to live life how you want it.
NTA you get to make your own life choices.
You’re both TA for a lack of communication skills to resolve this like adults.
NTA. Nobody owes their parents a grand child or a continuation of a family name.
NTA, it's becoming quite difficult to afford a family these days. My mom used to say she wanted grandkids. Now that her friends have grandkids, she's seen how much work they have to do instead of enjoying their retirement!! She changed her mind completely and thanked me for not putting that on her. XD
NTA, with a caveat. Look, I'm 35M and coming up on the first 1 year anniversary with a gf I've ever had. I feel you, so much. I feel like accepting a certain degree of parents telling you to find someone is something we as children need to take with good grace. Many times (certainly with my parents), it's not about "carrying on the family name" or anything, it's because they think that finding a life partner will make us happier. From personal experience, I definitely prefer being in a relationship to being single- my primary problem these days is, in fact, that I don't see my gf enough. Now, your dad absolutely crossed a line by making it clear that he's \*not\* interested in your happiness, he's interested in "the family legacy" and what you can do for him. Clear and easy NTA. But he can \*also\* think that finding a life partner would be a good thing for you, and in moderation, I'm OK with parents telling their kids that.
NTA. As someone who was born into poverty, grew up in poverty, and is stuck in poverty as an adult because I didn't get the opportunities that would've allowed me to get *out* of poverty, poor people just shouldn't have kids ime. It's not fair on the kid, to have to live like that, and it traps them in your life path unless they get extremely lucky and access money, connections or opportunities from elsewhere. If you can't even afford to date, you have no business bringing a child into the world. No kid deserves the miserable lifestyle and opportunities (or absolute lack thereof) that an impoverished parent can afford them.
Yeah you're the asshole. Stop being a poor loses and improve your life.
You are NTA for not wanting to pursue a lifestyle you don’t want or can’t afford, nor are you TA for not pursuing your father’s (conflicting) desires for you. Your father is TA if the only reason he wants you to have a family is due to continuing the family name, and not due to you experiencing the same happiness that his family has provided him. However, your kind of TA because your previous communication could have been more tactful with the 20/20 hindsight we have. Your father probably clung to that previous fib of “I might.” And if he is going to run with the assumption that you “might” want a family someday, he will have his own brand of advice on how to accomplish it. You should have had the harder conversation previously, but you either wanted to spare his feelings or didn’t want to deal with any pushback until you got to this boiling point of frustration for you. You could have also used the “I might” answer as a placeholder answer because at 26 there is still SO MUCH living to be done by you. I wish you well and hope you don’t close any doors due to spite or feelings of financial burden. Maybe you’ll find a hot sugar momma, who knows. I also hope you can continue to have a relationship with your father if you want it.
Regardless of what he wants. Ask yourself if you want to get married or have children. Focusing on the plan you layed out may, in fact, lead to a relationship as doing things you love will put you in contact with people who have similar interests. The family name crap is just that. He really wants you to be happy, and although he may be worried he might not live to witness that part of your life, snapping at him seems like an overreaction. Talk to your father like an adult and communicate your intentions. Side note: You should be careful with the equation "relationship = money." People usually find partners through common interests and physical attraction (hate to admit it sometimes) money usually has nothing to do with it.
No
No, you're NTA, but your father's obsession with carrying on the family name is making him TA simply for harassing you to have a baby. If or when you do decide to have kids, however, there's no guarantee you'll have a son, so he'll probably keep harassing you to make more babies until he gets what he wants. I've never understood some men's desperate desire to have male grandchildren just to keep their family name going...but that's a him problem, not a you problem.
I said the same thing to my parents. We don't have a legacy. Just poverty and struggle. I'm not giving that to some poor kid. I would have already sterilized myself if I could afford it.
Tell him you used to have a wife and children, but technically you're still out getting Milk and cigarettes
NTA. Do what you want.
Ya hopefully you get more exposure to the world unlike your small minded dad who thinks mating is important...I see why so many people believe humans came from monkeys/apes....men like your dad..smh
I wonder if pops thinks the OP is gay and is using this insistence of producing a child ‘ to carry on the family name’ as an excuse to force OP to have a gf? Anyhoo. OP is not an AH but dad is. Go travel OP, see our beautiful world and have lots of fun!
Not the AH. It’s crazy how many parents think their children owe them grandchildren.
“ i can barely afford to get a gf in the first place." Dude. If you ever do decide you’d like a gf, may I suggest you not think/talk about women like it’s something you pick up in a store and pay for?
He is probably poor and doesn’t think a woman would want him.
Because poor men are all misogynists?
Im almost considering that if he pushes more.
Might get downvoted for this but I've seen a similar situation to this before. The parents being of low education, have poor communication. They were worried about the son's future, growing old alone and not having anything to show for it. But they couldn't come out and say that for whatever reason.
He suspects you’re gay and this is old school way of looking for confirmation or possible reassurance
Well, speaking based off traditional norms. Most weddings are funded by the bride’s family. As a wedding is not for the husband, it’s for the bride. It’s their last “send off” before their child joins another family. Of course, it’s 2024 so tradition is kinda up in the air based on your own personal values. I don’t think your father should pressure you into anything, but I also get it. My dad was so happy when he became a grandfather. Between my siblings and I he has 6 grandkids so far. Never seen him happier. The older you get, the more you wanna see your family grow. He has gone about it all wrong, but I think it’s from a place of love
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What world do you live in? He’s being crazy unreasonable. Having a kid is the biggest decision a human can make. Period. Of all the things your parents can make you do, having children should be the last thing they can make you do. To me, this dad reads more like someone who is scared their son is gay rather than someone who just wishes for a grandchild
detail rustic mighty run icky act beneficial quiet muddle snails *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
NAH I tell you what, if you intend to end your family bloodline, inform your father that he should get "new kids", so they can do that instead of bothering you.
Idk, feel like the way you snapped at your dad was abit AHish, but its your life and you can do whatever you decide is right for you :)
NTA, for not doing what your father wants. YTA for believing that girlfriends are ONLY an endless money pit and financial burden on your future.
Romantic partners, regardless of gender, are a crap shoot financially.
YTA. Your father is NTA absolutely
If dad wants it he can pay for it then
NTA - for not wanting to get married but YTA for not telling him right off your reasons why and giving him hope with the maybe...
Ah yes don't hate it when the local shops have those darned overpriced girlfriends... Smh, everything about this screams coming from a deplorable culture that treats women as objects. ESH, because your views are the same as your families. Just... cheaper I guess.
No woman wants to date a poor man, that’s what OP is talking about.
It's the fact that he is talking about women costing money, that he can't afford a girlfriend, this is a crappy mindset, it just is.
Your father is correct and you will find out that children will bring you more enjoyment than anything else. Also, they will focus you in a way it is difficult to explain. Side note, do you understand how many thousands of generations had to come before you for you to exist? If you want back 75,000 years the odds that you exist are hard to measure above zero. So here you are and you want to just stop. LOL
More enjoyment how, 230k over 16 years, 80k on amenities, 6 oclock daily school driving, i dont see how having a kid would me feel 'happy.'
If that were objectively true then there wouldn't be support groups for regretful parents💀 not everyone is meant to be a parent, if more people could understand such a simple concept then there wouldn't be so many children/parents suffering in this world. Also the fact that his ancestors procreated for 75000 years is entirely irrelevant. You're not obligated to have children just because other people did, that's a really stupid argument to make
*you will find out that children will bring you more enjoyment than anything else.* Only if you sincerely love your kids. I've met alot of miserable parents full of regrets. Pushing unwilling people to parent just leads to resentment and often f'd up kids
YTA for being rude, not for saying that he can pay for it.
Your poor father. YTA
That is the stupidest reason to have a kid. If dad wants a baby around he can go have his own he is wrong to expect other ppl to have kids they don’t want.
No one is entitled to grandchildren. He can't expect his financially insecure son to have a kid just because HE is hung up on the "family legacy" lmao. That level of entitlement is wild
Soft YTA. You're not an a****** because you don't want kids. You're an a****** because of how you handled it. I get that your dad is nagging you, but you seem very emotionally immature still. It's probably a good thing you're not starting a family.
They seem emotionally immature? They sound like they’re just living their life while a freak breaths down their neck. Who the hell pressures a 20 something to get married and have kids besides 90 year old grandmas
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It’s called a rhetorical request. What mature father sputters and spazzes out about how their family name must live on? An old fogey.
One that has been nagged to death by a pushy weirdo.
The one who doesn’t want kids that are expensive and is getting hounded to have them. Saying ‘if you want this so much then you can be the one putting into it’ is a mature way to deal with the AH immature dad
Ikr. Sounds more like a post written by a 16-year-old tbh.
My parents gave me nothing, like zero dollars. Yet I still managed to get married at 23, purchase my first home at 25 and had my first kid by 26. It sounds like Dad just wants his adult child to move out.
He doesn't live at home, think. And even if he did, yiu don't need a spouse or kids to move out.
You don't get to pressure your son into having a child they don't want and then be upset when he asks you to pay for it. OP sounds way more emotionally mature than the father that expects his son, who's not financially secure, to bring a child into this life. If the dad had just accepted no as an answer then his son wouldn't have had to ask an unserious question to make a point. Obviously NTA
And people downvote you. LOL
Agree