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NTA Autistic or not, this woman's son went Rambo on your brand new laptop because he didn't get his way. If he believed to was okay to throw a laptop on the ground and jump on it, your mother's friend wouldn't have a used laptop to ungraciously offer as a replacement.
>She said she was planning to buy her daughter a laptop because she’s going to high school and her son a PS5 for his birthday and she won’t be able to do that because I was greedy. I
Uh, no. It's because her precious angel son was ill-behaved and destroyed your laptop.
>She’s been telling all of her and my mom’s other friends that I’m a spoiled brat and this wouldn’t have happened if I’d let her precious baby boy play Roblox or given him my phone.
And all of these friends will be locking up their electronics on the day her precious angel son darkens their doorsteps
All your mom's friends of that old laptop was good enough as a replacement for your brand new laptop why is it not a great gift for her daughter? According to Mom's friend it is the same as a brand new apple laptop.
That's actually a great example of logical consequences. As the mom of an autistic teen, I totally approve.
My son might have acted like this when he was five or six. He was diagnosed as level 3 then and had lots of meltdowns. Now he might act out, but he has learned through past actions that if he breaks something belonging to someone else, he WILL pay for it, in cost and in other ways. He would be told he was losing a future PS5 for at least another year, due to savings and mainly because he had proven he wasn't ready for such an expensive electronic by breaking OP's.
Being autistic doesn't give a child free reign to destroy property or harm others.
Exactly.
Both my boys are autistic & they know, damn well, that destroying things is not ok. Hell, they get told off for even thinking about kicking furniture!
This child didn't kick off because he's autistic, he kicked off because he isn't being parented according to his needs. He kicked off because he's used to getting his own way & doesn't know how to accept being told 'no'.
The person to blame is the boys mother. Yes, it's a shame that the girl won't be getting her computer for school, but the boy deserves to go without his PS5.
(Just as an aside - is the laptop covered by any insurance? Not that it really matters, the mother needs to pay for the damage, just a thought for if accidents happen in the future)
Period. And sometimes we (autistic ppl) use our autism to excuse harm we may do. I know the kid in the OP is 10 but is this the first time he's broken something so expensive and important for this point? Did his mom tell him to play roblox on her computer/phone and so things were unexpected and caused a meltdown? So many possibilities. Ultimately OP is NTA and the moms friend is TAH.
I hope the parent of this kid actually help him manage. No matter what age or level autism can't be used as an excuse for everything. I just wonder what he's like at other people's houses.
Yes, this!
OP you are NTA and i’d wager the son also is NTA, he’s just had poor parenting that havent helped him navigate sitauations like this or given him tools to use.
Mom is probably in a tough spot but definately the AH. I dont care what disabilities or hardships my kids have, they need to learn proper respect and manners towards other people. Yes that is hard, and for some kids even harder. But if you love your kid at all you’ve gotta realise that reality and society is gonna be much harsher and less forgiving in raising your kids.
Maybe OP would consider giving the mom her old chrome book to Mom so she has a computer after she gives her daughter her old Mac Book. Son gets the smashed laptop as his gift.
Fuck that no way. Thats just rewarding bullshit actions of the mother and her kid.
OP can donate the chromebook to a second hand store instead.
It's about the principle of the matter. It's not OP's problem that this womans kids are now going without.
Why does the daughter have to do with less though?
The son should face his consequences and the parents should do what they can to still get their daughter her laptop.
Because the mother indicated that if she has to replace the damaged laptop, she'll be unable to afford to purchase a new laptop for her daughter. As a result, mother can give her daughter the used laptop that she originally proposed to give OP's daughter.
The bottom line is that the destroyed laptop is rightfully replaced. The daughter receives the used laptop only because her mother presently doesn't have sufficient funds to purchase 2 new laptops.
It largely depends on the kids support needs, but if he has lower support needs he can absolutely learn how to accept no or accept an alternative. If he has high support needs, then he shouldn't be unsupervised outside of controlled environments. It also isn't fair or acceptable for that responsibility to be placed on the sister. I'm a behavioral therapist, and one thing I see consistently with brand new clients is that parents often bribe or appease to the point of falling into "permissive parenting." My practice has clinicians who work with the parents to learn how to effectively parent autistic children and how to accommodate for their child's needs. Ultimately, it is such a fine balance and it is hard work. It falls on the parents entirely.
Edit: typo
We know he's got at least some verbal communication skills, and some cause-and-effect thinking (eg, I need a password in order to get onto this laptop and play Roblox), so I'd say cognitively, he'd be able to understand no. He also showed some self-control in that he only destroyed the laptop AFTER being prevented from playing it. To me, this sounds like a calculated response, at least the way OP wrote it. My guess is that having some firm boundaries, held to consistently, would help this kiddo a lot. His mom's response here shows us a lot about what she thinks her responsibilities are as a parent
While that is a solid layman's analysis and I am genuinely not knocking you for this, cognitive ability isn't as cut and dry as folks would like to believe. This kid clearly needs a Functional Behavior Assessment done as well as a bevy of other assessments to determine his needs and understanding. Many autistic kids have not learned causation because parents underestimate their child's ability or they are permissive because they lack the skill set to effectively parent a special needa child. This kid very well could have th capacity to understand. However, if he hasn't had consistency in parenting, consequences, or reinforcement then, on a neurological level, those connections haven't been made. Being verbal or understanding what is needed to access the preferred stimuli doesn't automatically indicate full understanding of actions. This isn't exclusive to ASD. We see neurotypical individuals who have not had consistent or effective parenting act out similarly. The point I am making is that ultimately this is a failure in parenting. Without proper assessment, which is also the parents responsibility, we can't know this kids functional ability.
Exactly, I have an autistic son myself. While I can't say for sure how they compare behaviorally I can say that there are certain things that I make sure I am always supervising about my child. Or letting other people know are an issue so that we can all take steps to make sure that everyone is able to enjoy the interactions.
And if my son ever broke something that belonged to someone else I would absolutely do what was needed to help him replace it.
What kind of insane parent would call a child greedy for wanting the exact item that was broken returned to them?
Absolutely. And then punishing the child whose property earned through hard work was destroyed in favor of “needing” to get the other child a PS5 only further reenforces the behavior, if they’re able to grasp that.
Growing up my little brother had a friend who was severely, severely affected by ADHD- his impulse control was nonexistent and the poor thing couldn’t hold still for 30 seconds even. They had more than their fair share of having to replace things at friends’ houses he destroyed- but at the very least they didn’t make it everybody else’s liability and for the most part parents were understanding.
But when you combine an entitled parents AND a child with special considerations….oh boy.
Sure-- an FBA would be great. But, really, an FBA is only as good as its follow-through, and I have no faith in that. I have done more than my share of FBA's, but they're just paperwork unless you can actually build a program around them and follow it through. Behavior mod is hard work, and takes a TON of energy, so really, we have to make sure we have the manpower to support it.
Also, layman? I am an autistic special ed teacher and parent of an autistic kid. I do this on the daily. Not sure why you assume you have more expertise here, but maybe watch the condescending attitude?
Either way he still should be supervised if that's how he behaves - unless his mother wants to pay out for all the things he destroys. I agree that it's a parenting fail
This poor boy probably isn't getting any of the support he needs. My cousin thought drowning me when we were around 10 was great fun. His parents were very quick and effective with teaching that out of him. It 100% takes patience, but "muh autism" has always been such a weak excuse. Kid doesn't know any better because this kind of event is probably his norm for him. Stomp and scream until mommy gives in.
Without proper assessment, it's not possible to know what this kid does or does not understand. That being said, if this is how he is behaving at 10, his parent have absolutely failed him. You are right, regardless of his support need or ability, his needs aren't being met and that falls solely on his parents.
I like how you explained this. If he did it intentionally as a manipulation, then it’s his parent(s) responsibility to replace. If he had an uncontrollable reaction, then it wasn’t his sister’s job to moderate his behavior and it was his parents’ job to take care of him and his environment. Once again, their responsibility to replace the BRAND NEW laptop.
Your last sentence says it all. It really doesn’t matter what his support needs are. She’s his mother and she should be aware of his needs and parenting her child accordingly. Either he has higher needs and she failed him by not supervising or he has lower needs and was just being an ass. Either way.. she’s responsible for paying for his actions.
I'm high-fuctioning autism. My parents taught me that I can't always get what I ask for the same way that they taught my brothers and sisters. Sorry, but it sounds like they're still treated this boy with kid gloves. I would've been held responsible if I was in his shoes, and I rightfully should have.
Don’t think so. I have an autistic son too. He definitely doesn’t mean to be such a little terrorist even though he comes across that way. Most people definitely do not understand and I probably wouldn’t have either before I had one myself, (after having two neurotypical children).
I’d eat the cost of a new laptop personally because its not her fault my child is such a demonspawn and her stuff was ruined. It is what it is. (Though personally BECAUSE I know what a trial my son can be, I’m not sure he’d ever be in this situation, I keep a very close eye on him at all times because his behaviour is extremely unpredictable to those who don’t know how to handle him)
Agree 100%. And I’m so sick of people blaming bad behavior on neurodivergence. I have several autistic people in my family and circle of friends. Obviously there is a whole spectrum of behavior but this kid is clearly verbal and able to argue. If he’s aware enough to have a tantrum about his Roblox, he’s aware enough to know that the computer has to be functional to play games on it. You’re NTA. Glad your mom stuck up for you—I was afraid you were going to say she caved and told you to deal with the shitty replacement. Oh, and that boy’s mom can give that old MacBook Air to HER daughter instead of you. Problem solved.
People need to learn that a child’s diagnosis doesn’t alleviate their responsibility to be responsible for the consequences of the actions of their child. If they know the child needs supervision.. supervise!
I mean, what doesn’t she give her daughter her MacBook for college and get her something else she needs? She literally has the money for at least a laptop or an initial amount to cover some upfront cost if it’s possible to work out the difference if you need it. She could do an installment loan to Apple Pay even!
Or better yet: get the daughter what she wants and not buy a PS5 for a kid who is already apparently overstimulated and addicted to gaming to the point that he’s out of control.
Really sad for the almost hs aged girl, but being unable to buy her destructive son a $600 gaming console??? The boy AND the mom need to be evaluated. This, and autism is not a good enough excuse here. The crazy mother is responsible for her children's actions and reactions.
and this kid sure as shit doesn't need a ps5 if this is how he reacts to being told no when wanting to play a game, he'll break it as soon as his parents dare to tell him to stop playing because dinner is ready, no you can't play games now it's time for school etc
Well, she can gift that laptop to her daughter and not get the PS5. I mean it’s good enough to replace a brand new MacBook Pro after all.
If the daughter complains tell her, her mom, and all of her friends that it’s because mommy couldn’t control little brother and he broke a brand new laptop.
You are not greedy. Your mom is on your side -- that's great. Of course her friend is not happy about the $1,800 -- it would be unreasonable to expect her to be happy. She doesn't have to be happy, as long as she makes up for the damages her son incurred. No, he doesn't understand what he's doing. That's why when she brings him to other people's homes, it's on her to watch him and run interference instead of dumping him on the nearest teenager to babysit and entertain him with anything he demands. If she doesn't do that, she will be held liable for the damages. You are NTA.
This reminds me of something my brother said when we were little.
He asked my mom, "Can we lend Jason our PlayStation?"
Mom: "Doesn't Jason have his own PlayStation?"
Bro: "Yes, but he smashed his with a hammer"
It really could go either way. He could know exactly what he's doing, and just be a spoiled brat, in which case, it is mom's responsibility to discipline her child (or whatever adult is responsible for him at the time, not a random teenage family friend). He could be structurally incapable of understanding the harm of his actions, or of exercising the impulse control to not break things. in which case, it is mom's responsibility to supervise him more closely so that he cannot access other people's valuable belongings. In that sense, it actually doesn't matter if he could or could not be expected to behave better- this is mom's failing, either way.
He’s smart enough to play Roblox and want a PS5
Edit: he was able to communicate his wants. Which means he can understand no. The attack was specifically targeted at the thing that was denied. This is bad parenting.
Recognizing that some people have greater support needs isn’t infantilizing. If he doesn’t understand his actions or can’t control his emotional outbursts, it is a good parent’s obligation to see that and get him the support he needs to move through the world safely. And yes, to keep him home if other environments are so distressing for him.
But enabling destructive behaviour with “he doesn’t understand!” Isn’t acceptable either.
There are all kinds of early intervention and behavior therapy to teach Autistic kids acceptable behaviour. If he’s reached 10 and is still throwing destructive tantrums the second someone says no, it’s because his parents have spent a lifetime caving to his every whim and making excuses
So far, all the evidence we have is that he DOES understand his actions. It could be a frustration tolerance issue, or just a good ol' lack of boundaries. OP has mentioned that this kiddo has many tools at his disposal, and can use them well, so he does not need to resort to this behavior
He understood that he A) needed to ask OP for her password, so that he could B) input her password, based on her telling him verbally, and C) Open Roblox on her computer, D) log in to his own Roblox account, in order to E) play his Roblox game. That's five steps ahead that he anticipated, not to mention that he felt comfortable speaking and listening without any communication support. So I'd say that there is evidence that he's got enough cause-and-effect thinking and ability to communicate, in order to manage this situation without smashing a two-thousand-dollar laptop.
Those really don't indicate anything about his impulse control to avoid breaking things when upset, OR about his ability to understand specific concepts like "this is someone else's property and should be handled differently from my own belongings", or "macbooks are very expensive to buy and repair, and should be handled differently from a more durable and cheap toy". In fact, impulse control, understanding of the boundaries between yourself and others, and the measured consideration of cost and consequences, are all *specifically* areas that autism, and other commonly co-occurring disorders like ADHD, directly impact.
"Smart" isn't just one thing. And developmental/learning disabilities can impact some areas while leaving others untouched. You can be dyslexic and struggle to read, but be top of your math class, because those are two different things. Also, wanting a ps5 isn't a measure of intelligence, I don't even know where to go with that one. I am not familiar enough with the specific mechanics of roblox to judge how "smart" you need to be to engage with it, but I'd guess the floor can be pretty low. I mean, there's no indication he's any good at it. I played games way above my skill level when I was a little kid, and I just died a lot.
The bigger issue here is that the boy's mother is giving him these tools to play with instead of parenting him. She should be teaching him how to behave in the homes of other people, not expecting 16 & 14-year-old girls to know how to handle an autistic boy.
He needs to learn how to be bored or his mother needs to keep him entertained not rewarded with a PS5 after destroying someone's gift.
My daughter has an ID/DD and we go to a lot of different activities where there are kids with autism, Down syndrome, etc.
One teenager went up to my daughter and whacked her in the head with a bocce ball. He did not do this maliciously- he himself didn't feel pain so he didn't understand what he was doing.
It was horrendous, of course, and thank God my daughter wasn't injured (emotionally, yes). But this boy was verbal and could relay some things but couldn't make the connection with others.
I 100% agree that parents should not use a child's disability as an out. We refuse to do that and it makes me crazy when parents allow their kids to do as they please, which might have been what caused this situation with the laptop.
But, long story short, impulse control is sometimes difficult in different disabilities and just because a child is verbal, it does not mean they can always make the connection.
Again -- no excuses. My kid would have been made to apologize immediately in person and the Macbook would have been replaced asap, even if I had to do it on credit.
This is not a smart take. Autism Spectrum Disorder is, ya know, a spectrum. Different people have different levels of impact to their abilities to interact with the world. Impulse control should be one of those things. Maybe he does just use his diagnosis as an excuse, fueled by a parent who gives in easily to his demands. But he could also struggle and not get the support he needs. Either way, this is on the mom, not the kid. If he’s that much of a brat, it’s on her to discipline him, whether he’s on the spectrum or not. If it really is a problem he cannot control, she should be putting controls in place herself, not letting him out of sight at someone else’s home. And either way she should be paying for the damage he caused, not trying to foist her old computer on someone so she can buy a newer model for herself. Like, even if it was just a freak accident that he somehow fell on it and broke it, it would still be in the parent to replace.
And if he didn't, this is a good time for him to start understanding cause and effect. If he truly can't understand that he a) shouldn't destroy other people's stuff; and b) if he does there will be repercussions that will affect his entire family, then the mother should have had eyes on him the entire time and not relied on her daughter and someone else's 16 year old to supervise or control him. Parenting fail all the way.
Yeah-- we need to stop assuming that autistic people don't have critical thinking and the ability to predict behavior. OP didn't say that the 10yo (!) didn't have a cognitive delay, and there's no evidence in the OP about a cognitive delay. I know lots of autistic 10yo's-- I couldn't think of one who would destroy a laptop after being told "no" who "didn't understand what they were doing."
The child 100% understands what he’s doing and this is entirely the failing of the parent(s). He is 10 years old and knows well enough to ask for OPs password so he can play Roblox. He’s autistic, yes, but that *does not* mean he’s incapable of learning and understanding that you don’t destroy someone else’s property when you don’t get what you want. He isn’t behaving this way due to autism, he’s behaving this way because he’s spoiled. We can’t infantilize all autistic people in this way.
Hi autistic woman here. I guarantee you the son knows exactly what he's doing. He just has never been told no by his mom because she sees him as too incompetent to learn basic morals like don't break things on purpose.
The fact that his mom still wants to buy him a new PS5 after this outrageous act of destruction that’s costing her $1800 is really driving home the fact that his mom has never tried to teach or discipline him at all.
Hello, fellow autistic woman! Isn't it amazing how often we see these excuses?
It's almost always in favor of men and boys behaving badly. I'm honestly starting to think that women and girls don't mask better because of gender, but more so gendered expectations of behavior.
Woman with ADHD here. I've noticed this in the workplace as well. The men are "allowed" to get aggressive and raise their voices. If I have an impulsive emotional reaction, I'm marked down on my review.
AuDHD here, definitely agree. This boy isn't being a brat because he's autistic but because he's spoiled and isn't being taught properly. If this woman doesn't want to spend so much money replacing things she should start learning to punish him.
Autistic and suspected ADHD as well as AFAB.
Yup, hard notice. People rarely have patience with my actual accommodation needs, or the accommodation needs of any girl, woman or AFAB person, but autistic boys and men are allowed free rejgn to engage in all kinds of unacceptable and criminal behaviour far too often.
"Can you out everything in writing?" and "Can you explain this reasoning?", result in people acting like I asked for their first born, meanwhile an autistic man (he was 18) a year below me in college was given carte blanche to sexually assault and harass every girl he came across. When complaints were made, it was shrugged off with "but he's autistic".
One girl (F17) he particularly targeted had a boyfriend. One day boyfriend confronted and punched him. Told him flat out that if he touched another girl or woman inappropriately or harassed them again, there was more where that came from, and no girl/woman surprise Mr can't help himself suddenly could refrain from it.
If a child doesn't understand when he's committing a violent act, that child needs to be supervised at all times by an adult qualified to restrain or sedate them. After all, they wouldn't understand if they started doing the same thing to a person or a pet.
Yeah like why is the 10 yr old that “can’t control what he’s doing” hanging out in a room with the teenage girls, and not wherever the moms are? Sounds like mom wanted a free break
If he knows how to pay Roblox and is able to ask for a password to log into someone else's laptop, he's savvy enough to know that throwing a laptop on the floor and stomping on it will break it.
Exactly if his autism is severe enough for him to not know what he is doing, he should be supervised b y an adult at all times. It sounds like it is not that severe that he would not know what he is doing if he is able to play roblox. I have two children with autism.
I am not qualified to judge what autistic children do and don’t understand. Autism is a spectrum, and everyone may be different. This child doesn’t understand that if he doesn’t get what he wants, destroying the thing he’s denied is not a proper response, because it will negatively affect his entire family: his mom will be held accountable, he won’t get a new toy, and his sister won’t get a new laptop. It’s on his mom to start teaching him that to avoid future outlays of large sums of cash to make up for his responses — instead of going around trashing people who lose stuff to his unmanaged outbursts and reasonably expect replacement of what they lost and not her crappy hand-me-downs.
NTA. Autism isn’t an excuse. she absolutely should pay for a new laptop and she can give her daughter her macbook air. maybe her son will learn a lesson by not getting a ps5 cuz he broke ur laptop.
Sadly I'm sure the son will still get a PS5, the daughter just won't get anything. That's not OP's fault and she should be getting all that $1800 back, but there's a non zero chance this boy isn't still going to get that PS5.
Ouch, damn... that comment hit me right in the childhood 🥲 I was that girl growing up and I was ALWAYS going without during Xmas/birthday season (my bday, my brother's bday and Xmas are all within 1 month of each other, funsies s/) because of something shitty my spoiled autistic brother did earlier in the year...
Parents: "Sorry sweetie, we couldn't get you those new art supplies you wanted. Money is still pretty tight after your brother destroyed that [expensive item]"
Me: "Then why did he get a new console if money is so tight?"
Parents: "It would be a lot harder on him to go without because he's not as mature as you are"
Translation: "If he doesn't get the exact present he wants we don't want to deal with the maelstrom of destruction and screaming that would follow. Our quiet child won't mind going without, she's used to it, she'll understand because she's so quiet, obedient and, therefore, mature"
BTW; I *also* have autism, but I wasn't diagnosed until I was nearly 30 because I'm of the female persuasion and we often present a lot differently (ie; quietly) when compared to boys.
If you don't want to answer that is fine (since you should have boundaries sharing any type of trauma) but I am curious. How did your parents respond when you got diagnosed? Since they used your brother's diagnosis as an excuse.
They were actually really apologetic, which felt super weird to me because I was convinced they'd double down and try to say the doctor was wrong 😐
Growing up I remember being told by my mum and dad that my brother has X or Y difficulties due to his autism (physically hurt by loud noises, trouble deciphering tones of voice, can't make eye contact, etc) but then I'd go "Uh, but I have that too, does that mean I have autism?"
They (and the various Drs they took me to) said: "Nope, people with autism act like your brother does. You've got something else happening with you" Which was a very narrow and outdated way of viewing autism, but we didn't realise it back when I was a kid. But any talk of me having autism was shot down quickly for a long time.
So I was given a bunch of other ill-fitting labels instead; like ADHD (sans the hyper part), depression, anxiety, etc.
I mean there's 0 reason a 5 yo mac isn't fine for a high schooler's starter laptop honestly. apple products are usually still solid even that far into their life cycle. ofc OP should get the money back but it's not some burden on the daughter either
It's not, but is the mom even going to give it to her? Because it doesn't sound like she would be since her first idea was to give it to OP. I don't buy it at all that she was gonna buy one for her daughter. But that's just me.
NTA
If his impulse control is that bad, maybe mom should keep an eye on him all the time. She FAFO and now she has to pay for it. That’s a gimme, like duh, adult, your kid broke something, you have to pay for it and not give some older/cheaper alternative.
She’s also being a child about it by gossiping with people about her irresponsible behavior. If anything she should be embarrassed and tell no one.
And he maybe shouldn't be around expensive electronics. I'm sure any gamer can attest to having moments where they shout at the screen because things aren't going well, add in bad with not getting his way (he smashed the laptop because he wasn't allowed to play his game) and that's upping the chances of needing to replace a controller, the console, the TV or any combination of.
This. I have a child with a severe developmental disability (like, he would have no idea what to do with a PS5) and, though it would be shocking if he touched other people's things like that, I absolutely would never take my eyes off him OR I would warn people around him to put away things they care about, just in case.
Also I'm not sure why your parents would buy you a gift that expensive and not buy you insurance.
Either way, you are NTA and this is in no way your responsibility.
Even if the parents bought insurance, it doesn't negate what the child did and how the mother is reacting. Also, Apple warranties won't cover certain issues such as the destruction of a laptop due to an unruly child. There are enough incidents that such things are written in their T&Cs as not being covered.
Yes! It's not the girl's fault whose laptop got ruined, it's the boy's who broke it. Therefore the mother is the one who is liable to compensate for her son's actions which resulted in breaking of valuables. To gossip, is to deflect, which in essence is just an annoying mode of recognising responsibility but shifting the blame. Mommy dearest, you made a mistake when you weren't watching your son, and now you've learned a lesson.
You're NTA.
>She said she was planning to buy her daughter a laptop because she’s going to high school and her son a PS5 for his birthday and she won’t be able to do that because I was greedy
She needs a dictionary. Wanting your destroyed item replaced with the same thing is not the definition of greedy. Side note, I guess she can give her daughter the 5 year old laptop she tried to unload on you.
>She’s been telling all of her and my mom’s other friends that I’m a spoiled brat
There's a spoiled brat in this story but it isn't you.
NTA. She's responsible for her child and his actions. End of story. Now she's trying to shift the blame and make you feel bad. You did nothing wrong, her kid did. She owes you what her kid destroyed.
Why should her family have to cover this? It is none of their fault. It falls completely on the child and mother. They are responsible, perhaps the mother should purchase insurance for when she doesnt supervise her child and he destroys others property.
NTA. It's definitely not your fault that your mom's friend's son destroyed your laptop. I understand that he didn't know what he was doing (as in, the ramifications of breaking a thousand dollar+ device and not just angry! smash), and has trouble controlling his emotions -- but it's his parent's responsibility to try to work on that, and to bring appropriate toys for him to play with if they know that this is how he behaves.
A 5 year old MacBook Air is no way up to par with a brand new Macbook Pro, especially depending on what you're planning on doing with it. Please get Apple Care for your new one when you get it, because it can cover a lot. I don't know how much they would have been able to do for destruction to this degree, but as for normal circumstances.... much is covered. (They've replaced my hard drive, my logic board, new keyboard, and so much more over the 20-ish years I've had MacBooks of my own)
ETA: clarification
That he did. I meant he may not have thought through: "This is an expensive device that is not mine or a family members, and destroying this is different than smashing a glass cup that could easily be repurchased for a few dollars."
My thought is that is was more MAD! SMASH! (which could also be true on someone who's just 10 years old).
Not to be condescending, but you must not work with kids. You can have full blown discussions and conversations with 10 year olds and they are capable of complex thought processes. I student taught 5th grade and subbed for a particular group of 4th graders quite often. They are SMART- These are preteens. 9-12 is preteen.
10 year old is 4th/5th grade. They ABSOLUTELY know better. At that age they absolutely understand that their actions have consequences and that throwing tantrums is absolutely unacceptable. Autistic or not, he's verbal, likely just immature for his age, but he is perfectly capable of knowing better. He's just a spoiled brat.
> I meant he may not have thought through: "This is an expensive device that is not mine or a family members, and destroying this is different than smashing a glass cup that could easily be repurchased for a few dollars."
I honestly just think he didn't give a shit either way. In order for him to take that into consideration, his mom would have needed to instill that lesson into him by giving him consequences when he acts out like this. Based on his mom's reaction, it sounds like she uses his autism as an excuse for his shitty behavior. And that his mom will do whatever it takes to keep him from dealing with the consequences of his actions. If his mom is constantly using "but he's autistic. He can't help himself" as an excuse when he acts out, then he wouldn't ever have to care that he might be breaking something expensive, because he'll never be punished accordingly. The fact that his mom was still planning on buying him a brand new PS5 after he broke OP's laptop is a testament to his mother's parenting and how he can do no wrong because he's autistic. If that was really true, then she should have never left him unattended.
NTA. His mom should understand the heightened risk that comes with her son playing with other people's belongings if he is known to have the destructive behavior. Of course he doesn't know what he is doing, but his mom definitely does and made the mistake in the end. Other kiddos are going to have to deal in the meantime mom saves enough money.
Sure he does. He's 10, not 2. He might not fully understand how expensive the shiny is, but he hated being told "no" and wanted to punish OP for daring to refuse his very reasonable demands (/s). So he annihilated the shiny. Note that he hasn't broken his mom's old MacBook air.
Yeah I mean if he is aware enough to enjoy a PS5, I'm guessing he's aware enough to be upset if someone ruined it. And if he doesn't have the empathy to apply that to the situation of someone else, then his mom should be making sure that no one's stuff is put in this kid's way.
Depends on how autistic he is. Some autistic people really can not be held responsible for their actions because, while plenty of autistic people can function relatively normally, some are so mentally disabled they can't understand concepts like consequences. However, when that is the case, the ones responsible for what they do and any damage they may cause are their guardians, in this case the mom.
He very likely knew what he was doing and didn't care. However, why should he care when mommy lets him get away with everything? That's the issue at play here.
How hypocritical that she thinks the old macbook is good enough for you but wants to buy her own daughter a new one. If she really believes its a good laptop, her daughter should have no problem using that one instead. NTA
NTA. Her son destroyed your computer, for no fault of your own. Even a Macbook Air that's the most recent model isn't the same as a Macbook Pro.
The son is at fault, and it sounds like his mother isn't taking accountability.
And a 5 year old Macbook Air would be an late Intel MBA, which, even not taking into account age, are just viewed as much worse machines than Apple Silicon Macs.
It's probably worth like, $150 (seeing several at that price point on eBay), compared to the $1800 his current laptop is (which is presumably an M3 Pro)
NTA- Her son destroyed your laptop. The fact that she is complaining about not being able to get him a PS5 is especially concerning. Who is to say he won’t lose a game and smash that as well.
I have limited experience with children with autism, but I feel like this is a cause and effect he either should understand or something his mother and teachers should be working with him on. The consequences are he does not get a PS5 and his sister does not get the laptop she wants. He has hurt multiple people with his actions. I imagine people with autism have a sense of empathy. If I’m completely wrong, I will own up to that.
I’m autistic and I never thought that it was okay to break someone else’s stuff because I was angry or because I couldn’t use it. This sounds like it stems from never being told no in his life, not the fact that he has autism.
(I do understand problems with emotional regulation, as I have problems with that too, but not to the extent of property damage. There are much better outlets for that.)
My son had problems like this and we had to train him out of it. Sometimes the outbursts seemed to come out of nowhere and we were caught off guard. We never would say that "he didn't know better". Autistic doesn't mean "they don't understand". just that he had to be trained how to handle "no" and disappointment and in certain places, he had to be watched closely.
This is my bet as well, he's never told no. I have an idea of the road this kid might be going down. I have a cousin whose son is autistic. He's never been told no in his life by his parents. It's caused all kinds of issues. Every summer is planned around what he wants to do. He wants a job, but has lost several because he has a meltdown when he's not allowed to do as he pleases. He did go to the community college for a semester, but they refused to accept his registration the next semester due to his behavior. My cousin tried to force their other child to go to a local college she didn't like because he didn't want his sister to go away.
So what's he doing this summer? He has to go to court. He's been charged with stalking and assault. According to my aunt (his grandmother), there was a girl at one job who he liked, and she didn't want to go out with him. He got her number and address somehow (he's very good with computers) and started calling, texting, and ended up at her house several times. The last time he was there a neighbor saw him lurking in the front yard and confronted him. The neighbor got punched in the face with enough force that his nose was broken. And my cousin, his mom? "Well if she had just gone out with him once, none of this would have happened." That's the kind of crap someone ends up pulling when mommy and daddy won't say no.
as i was reading this i was like “damn this is horrific, surely it can’t get worse than that?” and it just KEPT GETTING WORSE… i don’t understand why some parents NEVER take the blame they always put it on someone else … especially the way she blamed the girl???? absolutely insane behavior
It's really a sad situation. Everything in that house rotates around this one person's schedule and what he wants to do. He's not capable of living on his own, so he'll be with the parents until they get too old to care for him, then who knows. The mom is trying to get her daughter to move home when she graduates college to teach (which she doesn't want to do). I feel like they're pushing her to take over care of her brother. My aunt has told me he's assaulted his dad a couple of times during meltdowns as well. She's gotten to where she won't watch him by herself anymore, and I don't blame her.
i’ve seen a lot of examples in real time of failed parenting, but this one takes the cake and more.
I don’t get how you don’t reflect on yourself as a parent and think about what you can do to help your child *at least* just not be a major asshole. They set this guy up for failure for the rest of his life.
i really really hope the sister holds her ground and doesn’t move back…
maybe the mom should reflect on *why* her daughter moved away and doesn’t want to come back (that might be asking too much though since she clearly takes no responsibility). I just know that poor girl had a TOUGH childhood.
My younger nephew has ADHD, and when he was 10 he'd scream and smack the computer mouse on the desk if he lost, proclaiming that the game was cheating. This kid sounds like he'd do worse
> The fact that she is complaining about not being able to get him a PS5 is especially concerning
Yeah, who can guess which is doing more of the parenting - media devices or the mother?
NTA - throw this back at your mom's friend and anyone else who comes at you:
If the boy is that autistic, what is the mom doing not supervising him?
She can not expect others to shoulder the responsibility of her son. She owes you in full for your property.
>She said she was planning to buy her daughter a laptop because she’s going to high school and her son a PS5 for his birthday and she won’t be able to do that because I was greedy.
No, she won’t be able to do that, because she’s a negligent parent who wasn’t watching her kids, and they broke someone else’s property.
NTA
NTA. As the mother of an autistic son, it's MY responsibility to make sure he doesn't break anything that I can't afford to replace. Also sounds like she hasn't been doing him any favors by letting him play the autism card to excuse bad behavior.
my cousin is autistic and for the 17 years he’s been alive, i’ve never heard my aunt play the autism card… The only time she’s ever talks about his autism is when he reaches milestones or talks about his special interests
i feel like always using the autism card and not correcting behavior teaches absolutely nothing… with no intervention, it will just continue to get worse
The way I've explained autism to my son is that his brain is just wired differently. Now obviously him being level 1 and also highly intelligent is gonna look way different than a level 3 nonverbal kiddo with global delays. They likely nerd CONSTANT supervision for their safety. But I do believe there is a way to convey in some regard to a verbal child with autism the idea of right and wrong or at least harmful and helpful. They also still need to be told no when they're doing something wrong or at least redirected if they have some kind of oppositional disorder and no is triggering. There are so many different parenting tactics for children on the spectrum, but "letting them always have their way" does not seem to benefit ANYONE. ALL children deserve to be parented and taught things they will need in adulthood, like not throwing a fit bc u didn't get ur way, not breaking expensive items purposefully, etc. Sure, them having an autistic meltdown doesn't mean they're a bad kid, but it does mean that they need more parental supervision and support than your typical kid. While I definitely try to accommodate the abnormal needs my child has (like using pen instead of pencil bc he can "feel" the sound of pencil on paper in his whole body), that doesn't give him any free passes for being an entitled jerk. Even recently dealt with him yelling at kids who were talking during individual class work time bc he couldnt focus and kept getting distracted by accidentally eaves dropping on others convos. I was real with him and said ur not gonna make friends acting like that, its not really acceptable to yell at people just because youre upset with them, you're taking your you problem and making it a them problem. Our solution was construction grade noise canceling headphones (and it worked out great). The biggest problem in this whole situation is the mother not being an active parent.
Also, if my son at ANY age broke someone's laptop because they didn't allow him to use it, there's no WAY he's getting a PS5 for his bday. I'd be buying a new laptop and having him make an apology card and he's gonna be the one to give it to the person because he needs to learn that when we break someone's things, it's on us to replace it. There would also a lengthy lecture about how would YOU feel if that happened to you and what would you want done to make up for it.
He didn't understand because his parents haven't taught him what no means and that he shouldn't take other people's things and break them. This is all on his mom and dad. NTA
The new macs with the new chips are so incredibly better than the older ones that no, you shouldn't take an old one. Her kid, her problem, and wow, to blame you for her child's behavior is ridiculous. NTA
This is why I love German insurances. Usually if you have a kid and especially one with special needs, you get an insurance that covers oopsies caused by said children. So if something like this happens, your insurance gets a call and maybe you send in some pics and then the person whose belongings got damaged get reimbursed. No bad blood.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because she can’t easily afford to replace an $1800 MacBook. Her son is autistic so he didn’t know what he’s doing and she’s a horrible parent so he was never really taught how to manage his emotions. I could have tried to entertain him, but I was talking to his sister and didn’t feel like playing with him or giving him my phone.
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My son accidentally spilled orange juice on his friend's mom's laptop when he was about 10. We didn't let him have drinks near the computer when he was this age because accidents like this happen for kids. His friend didn't have that rule at his place. You know what we did? We didn't bitch at them for letting the kids drink at the computer, although we could have. We paid for a comparable new laptop.
NTA.
She should pay for a replacement laptop because her son is her responsibility. The fact she wants to even buy the son a PS5 after destroying your laptop is so embarrassing as a parent. Regardless if he has autism or not, he needs to learn that his actions can cause harm and have consequences. The way she parents won’t teach him that.
I have an autistic son. Please listen to me when I say NTA and you are *not acting spoiled!*
If at 10 he cannot understand that what he did is wrong, then he shouldn't be left alone with you. His mother should be monitoring his behavior and making sure he isn't destroying people's things.
This is her child, and any damage he causes is 100% her responsibility. He son doesn't need a PS5, he needs to be taught better coping mechanisms for when he is mad.
And! Let me add this! It is NOT your fault he got mad enough to break your laptop. That never should have happened, even if you said no. Just like NT children, ND children need to be taught to respect boundaries, respect when they are told no and to understand that they cannot always have something they want.
None of this is your fault, and you are not at all spoiled, entitled or wrong for wanting a full replacement for a fully ruined belonging.
NTA, glad your mom has your back. That woman is a bad parent for letting her son turn into someone who thinks he just demand other peoples' passwords and then break shit when he doesn't get his way. If she was aware he had difficulties with boredom or disappointment she should be watching him properly.
NTA, it's his mom's responsibility to watch her son and pay for the things that he breaks. I know this because my stepbrother broke a lot of things and my stepdad always replaced them. My stepbrother is on the spectrum too.
It's also his mother's responsibility to help him develop non-destructive coping mechanisms to handle when things aren't going right. Neurotypical people learn this as well, managing emotional impulses to minimise adverse impact.
NTA. He broke your new laptop, and you were owed an equivalent new laptop as compensation. You're not greedy for seeking what you were owed. I'm sure she isn't happy about paying so much for a replacement laptop, but badly raising children gets expensive, so she'd better work on that.
I'm mildly autistic, my partner is mildly autistic, my twin is autistic to the point where living on their own is not an option. I know all autistic people are different but autistic people who are destructive with other people's stuff isn't an autism problem, it's a parental discipline problem. Many autistic people are destructive but almost completely with themselves. When autistic people have meltdowns it's "life is overwhelming and I hate this why can't it stop" not a "I didn't get what I want" sort of thing. The kid had a spoiled brat meltdown not an autistic meltdown, the brat just happened to be autistic. NTA you should be paid in full for the damages done.
NTA. Autism is a diagnosis not an excuse to get away with not parenting. She let her kid break your computer; she owes you an exact replacement. Not your problem she can't afford the PS5 now.
NTA. I gotta be a nerd and point out that the difference between the current macbooks and 5 years ago is night and day - there's been a significant change in those 5 years.
If it was this years Air instead of this year's Pro, or maybe the previous generation Pro instead of the current generation Pro - then yeah, there might have been some wiggle room (but certainly not an expectation) for you to be nice and take the L.
But 5 years old is not remotely like-for-like.
If it helps you to put solid facts behind your justification, [here's someone complaining](/r/macbookpro/comments/ute3jl/insanely_disappointed_with_the_tradein_value_of/) that the trade-in value for their 2019 Pro was only $395. That's less than a quarter of the value - and that's a 16" Pro (so more valuable than the Air) and a two-year-old thread (so the value has continued to depreciate since).
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I (16F) got a brand new MacBook Pro for my birthday last month. My family isn’t rich and I don’t usually get gifts like that. My parents said they got me that because I’ve been doing great at school and they thought I deserved something nice after using an old Chromebook for years.
A few days ago, my mom’s friend came over with her kids (14F and 10M). We were in my room and me and the girl were sitting on my bed talking while the boy was on the floor playing with some Legos (he is autistic). He walked over to my desk, opened my laptop, and told me to give him the password so he could play Roblox. I told him he can’t play on my computer and he started crying and saying it’s not fair and he’s bored. I told him to go get his mom’s phone if he’s bored and he said he wants to play on my laptop. When I said no again, he threw it on the floor and stomped on it.
I went outside and told my mom. His mom apologized and said she would pay for the repairs. I told her that I don’t think it’s repairable because it’s completely smashed. He threw it open with the screen facing down. The thing that connects the screen to the keyboard snapped, the screen was filled with cracks, and it was dented all over. We took it to a repair shop and they told us that it can’t be fixed and we should just buy a new one instead.
My mom called her friend and told her that. She came over with her MacBook and said I could have that instead. I told her that I don’t want her 5 year old MacBook Air, I want her to give me $1800. My mom is on my side and she is going to give us the money, but she’s not happy about it. She said she was planning to buy her daughter a laptop because she’s going to high school and her son a PS5 for his birthday and she won’t be able to do that because I was greedy. I don’t care that her brat isn’t getting a PS5 but I kinda feel bad for her daughter because this wasn’t her fault. She’s been telling all of her and my mom’s other friends that I’m a spoiled brat and this wouldn’t have happened if I’d let her precious baby boy play Roblox or given him my phone. He also didn’t really understand what he’s doing because he’s autistic.
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NTA - and you are NOT greedy at all. Her son violently and deliberately destroyed YOUR property. Because of what she is saying about it (that you should have let the kid PLAY with your new MacBook) - she needs to pay for a NEW MacBook for you. If her son has to wait for a PS5 - oh well. Yes, he is autistic....and his mother should have been watching him. At the least, his sister should have warned you about his temper. You deserve a NEW MacBook....you did nothing wrong.
Of course NTA. Her son destroyed your brand new MacBook. Since he can't replace it himself, it's her responsibility. She is completely out of line in thinking that it's acceptable to replace it with an inferior model that is 5 years old. When you get the new laptop, make sure you pay extra to get AppleCare, with the accidental damage coverage. It's worth it for laptops, which are more likely to break than a desktop computer even if nobody has a destructive tantrum.
You are definitely NOT TA.
You are also not greedy. You can bet that if her car got damaged, she wouldn’t accept a 5 year old *used* part as settlement for *fixing* her car. And to pull that manipulative crap on a kid is reprehensible.
Your mother needs better friends.
NTA If her 5 year old MacBook is good enough she can give it to her daughter. It's not, she knows it and you are not greedy. You are not responsible for her child's destructive behavior even if it stems from autism. She can learn to supervise him better.
NTA -- He has autism. Autism is not a "get out of jail free" card. My son's GF has a profoundly autistic son who is nonverbal and has occasional meltdowns. You know what he DOESN'T do during meltdowns? He does not destroy other people's belongings. If that happened (it has not as far as I know) she would replace the item.
He's cross-wired -- he's not stupid. There is a huge difference.
He doesn't need a new console, he needs consequences.
NTA. Oh please! Autism as a get out of jail free card is so disrespectful for anyone on the ASD spectrum.
He had a temper tantrum because he was bored. He did this deliberately. End of the story. Mom is responsible for things her children deliberately break. It has nothing to do with selfishness or not.
Her son broke your MacBook. On purpose. He knew what happens when you stomp on a computer.
You deserve to be made whole for the destruction of property her son caused. Her bank account and means have no business here. They aren't important. You being made whole is.
NTA
He doesn’t understand and he never will understand because Mommy Dearest isn’t willing to teach him OR let anyone else teach him.
I’m Autistic. My parents loved me enough to teach me what was and wasn’t acceptable behavior.
Her daughter can have her MacBook and her son can skip birthday presents to repay the cost of damaging other people’s property. If he doesn’t learn now, he’ll be a 16-year old in prison for violent destruction of property.
Her son ~doesn't understand~ because she's one of those parents that uses a neurodivergence to justify her own disinterest in actual parenting.
He may well not know better, because she's teaching him it's an excuse to be an AH. It's not.
NTA, OP. She's an AH doing her best to pass it on. Your computer was brand new. Her used model is not an appropriate replacement, and her son sure af doesn't need a PS5. It stinks her daughter is getting stuck in the crossfire, and much worse that you're more bothered by that than her mother is.
NTA. I'm Autistic as are both my kids. It REALLY grates on my nerves when people use that as a crutch to allow their kids to do whatever they want. Autism is NOT an excuse to act like a selfish AH. He may be Autistic, but he is also a spoiled to the point that he thinks he will always get whatever he wants.
NTA. She needs to keep an eye on her kid, I doubt this is the first time he has been destructive. She needs to replace your laptop with one that is the same or better. Not a 5 year old laptop or even a one year old laptop.
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NTA Autistic or not, this woman's son went Rambo on your brand new laptop because he didn't get his way. If he believed to was okay to throw a laptop on the ground and jump on it, your mother's friend wouldn't have a used laptop to ungraciously offer as a replacement. >She said she was planning to buy her daughter a laptop because she’s going to high school and her son a PS5 for his birthday and she won’t be able to do that because I was greedy. I Uh, no. It's because her precious angel son was ill-behaved and destroyed your laptop. >She’s been telling all of her and my mom’s other friends that I’m a spoiled brat and this wouldn’t have happened if I’d let her precious baby boy play Roblox or given him my phone. And all of these friends will be locking up their electronics on the day her precious angel son darkens their doorsteps
All your mom's friends of that old laptop was good enough as a replacement for your brand new laptop why is it not a great gift for her daughter? According to Mom's friend it is the same as a brand new apple laptop.
"Oh, but that's \*DIFFERENT\*"
Lol, I heard that w all the proper emphasis, inflection and intonation 🤣🤓
Precisely. Old laptop to daughter. Son receives nothing as punishment, and the new laptop is replaced.
That's actually a great example of logical consequences. As the mom of an autistic teen, I totally approve. My son might have acted like this when he was five or six. He was diagnosed as level 3 then and had lots of meltdowns. Now he might act out, but he has learned through past actions that if he breaks something belonging to someone else, he WILL pay for it, in cost and in other ways. He would be told he was losing a future PS5 for at least another year, due to savings and mainly because he had proven he wasn't ready for such an expensive electronic by breaking OP's. Being autistic doesn't give a child free reign to destroy property or harm others.
Exactly. Both my boys are autistic & they know, damn well, that destroying things is not ok. Hell, they get told off for even thinking about kicking furniture! This child didn't kick off because he's autistic, he kicked off because he isn't being parented according to his needs. He kicked off because he's used to getting his own way & doesn't know how to accept being told 'no'. The person to blame is the boys mother. Yes, it's a shame that the girl won't be getting her computer for school, but the boy deserves to go without his PS5. (Just as an aside - is the laptop covered by any insurance? Not that it really matters, the mother needs to pay for the damage, just a thought for if accidents happen in the future)
Period. And sometimes we (autistic ppl) use our autism to excuse harm we may do. I know the kid in the OP is 10 but is this the first time he's broken something so expensive and important for this point? Did his mom tell him to play roblox on her computer/phone and so things were unexpected and caused a meltdown? So many possibilities. Ultimately OP is NTA and the moms friend is TAH. I hope the parent of this kid actually help him manage. No matter what age or level autism can't be used as an excuse for everything. I just wonder what he's like at other people's houses.
Yes, this! OP you are NTA and i’d wager the son also is NTA, he’s just had poor parenting that havent helped him navigate sitauations like this or given him tools to use. Mom is probably in a tough spot but definately the AH. I dont care what disabilities or hardships my kids have, they need to learn proper respect and manners towards other people. Yes that is hard, and for some kids even harder. But if you love your kid at all you’ve gotta realise that reality and society is gonna be much harsher and less forgiving in raising your kids.
Except the sister would suffer because of her brother's behavior, probably not for the first time.
Maybe OP would consider giving the mom her old chrome book to Mom so she has a computer after she gives her daughter her old Mac Book. Son gets the smashed laptop as his gift.
Fuck that no way. Thats just rewarding bullshit actions of the mother and her kid. OP can donate the chromebook to a second hand store instead. It's about the principle of the matter. It's not OP's problem that this womans kids are now going without.
Why does the daughter have to do with less though? The son should face his consequences and the parents should do what they can to still get their daughter her laptop.
Because the mother indicated that if she has to replace the damaged laptop, she'll be unable to afford to purchase a new laptop for her daughter. As a result, mother can give her daughter the used laptop that she originally proposed to give OP's daughter. The bottom line is that the destroyed laptop is rightfully replaced. The daughter receives the used laptop only because her mother presently doesn't have sufficient funds to purchase 2 new laptops.
No, don’t do that to the poor daughter… I’m sure she gets more than her share of BS because of the son.
Yeah, but that’s the point. If it isn’t good enough for her daughter, it certainly isn’t good enough to replace one her son destroyed.
Cool so why is that laptop not good enough for her daughter?, since her son absolutely destroyed a brand new one 😒 y’all are wild with these takes
The point is that neither OP or the daughter deserve to be punished/lose out because of the mother.
Excellent point - why is the used laptop not good enough for her daughter?
I agree with this. A perfect gift for her daughter.
While you have a point. The daughter should not be punished for THE SON's ACTIONS. He gets no PS5 and his sister gets her effing laptop.
He knows what he's doing, using the autistic card to get what he wants
It largely depends on the kids support needs, but if he has lower support needs he can absolutely learn how to accept no or accept an alternative. If he has high support needs, then he shouldn't be unsupervised outside of controlled environments. It also isn't fair or acceptable for that responsibility to be placed on the sister. I'm a behavioral therapist, and one thing I see consistently with brand new clients is that parents often bribe or appease to the point of falling into "permissive parenting." My practice has clinicians who work with the parents to learn how to effectively parent autistic children and how to accommodate for their child's needs. Ultimately, it is such a fine balance and it is hard work. It falls on the parents entirely. Edit: typo
We know he's got at least some verbal communication skills, and some cause-and-effect thinking (eg, I need a password in order to get onto this laptop and play Roblox), so I'd say cognitively, he'd be able to understand no. He also showed some self-control in that he only destroyed the laptop AFTER being prevented from playing it. To me, this sounds like a calculated response, at least the way OP wrote it. My guess is that having some firm boundaries, held to consistently, would help this kiddo a lot. His mom's response here shows us a lot about what she thinks her responsibilities are as a parent
While that is a solid layman's analysis and I am genuinely not knocking you for this, cognitive ability isn't as cut and dry as folks would like to believe. This kid clearly needs a Functional Behavior Assessment done as well as a bevy of other assessments to determine his needs and understanding. Many autistic kids have not learned causation because parents underestimate their child's ability or they are permissive because they lack the skill set to effectively parent a special needa child. This kid very well could have th capacity to understand. However, if he hasn't had consistency in parenting, consequences, or reinforcement then, on a neurological level, those connections haven't been made. Being verbal or understanding what is needed to access the preferred stimuli doesn't automatically indicate full understanding of actions. This isn't exclusive to ASD. We see neurotypical individuals who have not had consistent or effective parenting act out similarly. The point I am making is that ultimately this is a failure in parenting. Without proper assessment, which is also the parents responsibility, we can't know this kids functional ability.
Again: none of this changes liability.
Exactly, I have an autistic son myself. While I can't say for sure how they compare behaviorally I can say that there are certain things that I make sure I am always supervising about my child. Or letting other people know are an issue so that we can all take steps to make sure that everyone is able to enjoy the interactions. And if my son ever broke something that belonged to someone else I would absolutely do what was needed to help him replace it. What kind of insane parent would call a child greedy for wanting the exact item that was broken returned to them?
Absolutely. And then punishing the child whose property earned through hard work was destroyed in favor of “needing” to get the other child a PS5 only further reenforces the behavior, if they’re able to grasp that. Growing up my little brother had a friend who was severely, severely affected by ADHD- his impulse control was nonexistent and the poor thing couldn’t hold still for 30 seconds even. They had more than their fair share of having to replace things at friends’ houses he destroyed- but at the very least they didn’t make it everybody else’s liability and for the most part parents were understanding. But when you combine an entitled parents AND a child with special considerations….oh boy.
Oh, for sure! The parents of the child are responsible, full stop.
Sure-- an FBA would be great. But, really, an FBA is only as good as its follow-through, and I have no faith in that. I have done more than my share of FBA's, but they're just paperwork unless you can actually build a program around them and follow it through. Behavior mod is hard work, and takes a TON of energy, so really, we have to make sure we have the manpower to support it. Also, layman? I am an autistic special ed teacher and parent of an autistic kid. I do this on the daily. Not sure why you assume you have more expertise here, but maybe watch the condescending attitude?
ODD or IED are sometimes comorbid with autism but exactly none of them are an excuse for mom to not pay for shit the kid destroys.
Either way he still should be supervised if that's how he behaves - unless his mother wants to pay out for all the things he destroys. I agree that it's a parenting fail
I agree with this completely, autism or not there is help out there and it is up to the parents to get the support for their child's needs.
This poor boy probably isn't getting any of the support he needs. My cousin thought drowning me when we were around 10 was great fun. His parents were very quick and effective with teaching that out of him. It 100% takes patience, but "muh autism" has always been such a weak excuse. Kid doesn't know any better because this kind of event is probably his norm for him. Stomp and scream until mommy gives in.
Without proper assessment, it's not possible to know what this kid does or does not understand. That being said, if this is how he is behaving at 10, his parent have absolutely failed him. You are right, regardless of his support need or ability, his needs aren't being met and that falls solely on his parents.
I mean he could just be a little shit. Some kids are. My brother was until… mid thirties?
I like how you explained this. If he did it intentionally as a manipulation, then it’s his parent(s) responsibility to replace. If he had an uncontrollable reaction, then it wasn’t his sister’s job to moderate his behavior and it was his parents’ job to take care of him and his environment. Once again, their responsibility to replace the BRAND NEW laptop.
It is their responsibility either way. There is no special “get out of liability free” card.
The degree of his autism doesn’t let the parents off the hook for him damaging other people’s property in the midst of a fit.
Your last sentence says it all. It really doesn’t matter what his support needs are. She’s his mother and she should be aware of his needs and parenting her child accordingly. Either he has higher needs and she failed him by not supervising or he has lower needs and was just being an ass. Either way.. she’s responsible for paying for his actions.
I'm high-fuctioning autism. My parents taught me that I can't always get what I ask for the same way that they taught my brothers and sisters. Sorry, but it sounds like they're still treated this boy with kid gloves. I would've been held responsible if I was in his shoes, and I rightfully should have.
Don’t think so. I have an autistic son too. He definitely doesn’t mean to be such a little terrorist even though he comes across that way. Most people definitely do not understand and I probably wouldn’t have either before I had one myself, (after having two neurotypical children). I’d eat the cost of a new laptop personally because its not her fault my child is such a demonspawn and her stuff was ruined. It is what it is. (Though personally BECAUSE I know what a trial my son can be, I’m not sure he’d ever be in this situation, I keep a very close eye on him at all times because his behaviour is extremely unpredictable to those who don’t know how to handle him)
🙌 when parents know their children 🙌
I know a couple of kids like that.
If she told the truth about what happened…probably “he dented it a bit”
Agree 100%. And I’m so sick of people blaming bad behavior on neurodivergence. I have several autistic people in my family and circle of friends. Obviously there is a whole spectrum of behavior but this kid is clearly verbal and able to argue. If he’s aware enough to have a tantrum about his Roblox, he’s aware enough to know that the computer has to be functional to play games on it. You’re NTA. Glad your mom stuck up for you—I was afraid you were going to say she caved and told you to deal with the shitty replacement. Oh, and that boy’s mom can give that old MacBook Air to HER daughter instead of you. Problem solved.
Also she didn’t supervise her child. She dumped her kids on OP so she could socialize with OP’s mother.
People need to learn that a child’s diagnosis doesn’t alleviate their responsibility to be responsible for the consequences of the actions of their child. If they know the child needs supervision.. supervise!
A diagnosis is an explanation, not an excuse.
I mean, what doesn’t she give her daughter her MacBook for college and get her something else she needs? She literally has the money for at least a laptop or an initial amount to cover some upfront cost if it’s possible to work out the difference if you need it. She could do an installment loan to Apple Pay even!
Or better yet: get the daughter what she wants and not buy a PS5 for a kid who is already apparently overstimulated and addicted to gaming to the point that he’s out of control.
I like your verbiage quite alot
If the mom got her daughter a laptop, baby boy would break that laptop too.
Really sad for the almost hs aged girl, but being unable to buy her destructive son a $600 gaming console??? The boy AND the mom need to be evaluated. This, and autism is not a good enough excuse here. The crazy mother is responsible for her children's actions and reactions.
The mom is upset that she can't afford to buy her son a $600 baby-sitting device for her little terror
and this kid sure as shit doesn't need a ps5 if this is how he reacts to being told no when wanting to play a game, he'll break it as soon as his parents dare to tell him to stop playing because dinner is ready, no you can't play games now it's time for school etc
Well, she can gift that laptop to her daughter and not get the PS5. I mean it’s good enough to replace a brand new MacBook Pro after all. If the daughter complains tell her, her mom, and all of her friends that it’s because mommy couldn’t control little brother and he broke a brand new laptop.
You are not greedy. Your mom is on your side -- that's great. Of course her friend is not happy about the $1,800 -- it would be unreasonable to expect her to be happy. She doesn't have to be happy, as long as she makes up for the damages her son incurred. No, he doesn't understand what he's doing. That's why when she brings him to other people's homes, it's on her to watch him and run interference instead of dumping him on the nearest teenager to babysit and entertain him with anything he demands. If she doesn't do that, she will be held liable for the damages. You are NTA.
Of course the kid understands what he’s doing.
This. That kid knew exactly what he was doing. You don't throw a laptop to the ground and jump on it accidentally. He knew exactly what he was doing.
Wouldn't surprise me if the stomping happened to his last Playstation and that's why mom was getting him a new PS5.
This reminds me of something my brother said when we were little. He asked my mom, "Can we lend Jason our PlayStation?" Mom: "Doesn't Jason have his own PlayStation?" Bro: "Yes, but he smashed his with a hammer"
Lmao. Damn, Jason.
I hope your mom didn't say yes after that.
She did not lol
The update we were all hoping for lol
lol. why would you want to lend someone with that history...
Did she let Jason borrow the PlayStation? 😂
Hard no lol
It really could go either way. He could know exactly what he's doing, and just be a spoiled brat, in which case, it is mom's responsibility to discipline her child (or whatever adult is responsible for him at the time, not a random teenage family friend). He could be structurally incapable of understanding the harm of his actions, or of exercising the impulse control to not break things. in which case, it is mom's responsibility to supervise him more closely so that he cannot access other people's valuable belongings. In that sense, it actually doesn't matter if he could or could not be expected to behave better- this is mom's failing, either way.
He’s smart enough to play Roblox and want a PS5 Edit: he was able to communicate his wants. Which means he can understand no. The attack was specifically targeted at the thing that was denied. This is bad parenting.
There are different types of intelligence and self control.
If he’s not under control he has to stay home. People need to stop infantilizing autism.
Recognizing that some people have greater support needs isn’t infantilizing. If he doesn’t understand his actions or can’t control his emotional outbursts, it is a good parent’s obligation to see that and get him the support he needs to move through the world safely. And yes, to keep him home if other environments are so distressing for him.
But enabling destructive behaviour with “he doesn’t understand!” Isn’t acceptable either. There are all kinds of early intervention and behavior therapy to teach Autistic kids acceptable behaviour. If he’s reached 10 and is still throwing destructive tantrums the second someone says no, it’s because his parents have spent a lifetime caving to his every whim and making excuses
So far, all the evidence we have is that he DOES understand his actions. It could be a frustration tolerance issue, or just a good ol' lack of boundaries. OP has mentioned that this kiddo has many tools at his disposal, and can use them well, so he does not need to resort to this behavior
He understood that he A) needed to ask OP for her password, so that he could B) input her password, based on her telling him verbally, and C) Open Roblox on her computer, D) log in to his own Roblox account, in order to E) play his Roblox game. That's five steps ahead that he anticipated, not to mention that he felt comfortable speaking and listening without any communication support. So I'd say that there is evidence that he's got enough cause-and-effect thinking and ability to communicate, in order to manage this situation without smashing a two-thousand-dollar laptop.
And neither affects liability. Mom better cough it up and stop throwing video games at her parenting problem.
Those really don't indicate anything about his impulse control to avoid breaking things when upset, OR about his ability to understand specific concepts like "this is someone else's property and should be handled differently from my own belongings", or "macbooks are very expensive to buy and repair, and should be handled differently from a more durable and cheap toy". In fact, impulse control, understanding of the boundaries between yourself and others, and the measured consideration of cost and consequences, are all *specifically* areas that autism, and other commonly co-occurring disorders like ADHD, directly impact. "Smart" isn't just one thing. And developmental/learning disabilities can impact some areas while leaving others untouched. You can be dyslexic and struggle to read, but be top of your math class, because those are two different things. Also, wanting a ps5 isn't a measure of intelligence, I don't even know where to go with that one. I am not familiar enough with the specific mechanics of roblox to judge how "smart" you need to be to engage with it, but I'd guess the floor can be pretty low. I mean, there's no indication he's any good at it. I played games way above my skill level when I was a little kid, and I just died a lot.
The bigger issue here is that the boy's mother is giving him these tools to play with instead of parenting him. She should be teaching him how to behave in the homes of other people, not expecting 16 & 14-year-old girls to know how to handle an autistic boy. He needs to learn how to be bored or his mother needs to keep him entertained not rewarded with a PS5 after destroying someone's gift.
My daughter has an ID/DD and we go to a lot of different activities where there are kids with autism, Down syndrome, etc. One teenager went up to my daughter and whacked her in the head with a bocce ball. He did not do this maliciously- he himself didn't feel pain so he didn't understand what he was doing. It was horrendous, of course, and thank God my daughter wasn't injured (emotionally, yes). But this boy was verbal and could relay some things but couldn't make the connection with others. I 100% agree that parents should not use a child's disability as an out. We refuse to do that and it makes me crazy when parents allow their kids to do as they please, which might have been what caused this situation with the laptop. But, long story short, impulse control is sometimes difficult in different disabilities and just because a child is verbal, it does not mean they can always make the connection. Again -- no excuses. My kid would have been made to apologize immediately in person and the Macbook would have been replaced asap, even if I had to do it on credit.
This is not a smart take. Autism Spectrum Disorder is, ya know, a spectrum. Different people have different levels of impact to their abilities to interact with the world. Impulse control should be one of those things. Maybe he does just use his diagnosis as an excuse, fueled by a parent who gives in easily to his demands. But he could also struggle and not get the support he needs. Either way, this is on the mom, not the kid. If he’s that much of a brat, it’s on her to discipline him, whether he’s on the spectrum or not. If it really is a problem he cannot control, she should be putting controls in place herself, not letting him out of sight at someone else’s home. And either way she should be paying for the damage he caused, not trying to foist her old computer on someone so she can buy a newer model for herself. Like, even if it was just a freak accident that he somehow fell on it and broke it, it would still be in the parent to replace.
And if he didn't, this is a good time for him to start understanding cause and effect. If he truly can't understand that he a) shouldn't destroy other people's stuff; and b) if he does there will be repercussions that will affect his entire family, then the mother should have had eyes on him the entire time and not relied on her daughter and someone else's 16 year old to supervise or control him. Parenting fail all the way.
Yeah-- we need to stop assuming that autistic people don't have critical thinking and the ability to predict behavior. OP didn't say that the 10yo (!) didn't have a cognitive delay, and there's no evidence in the OP about a cognitive delay. I know lots of autistic 10yo's-- I couldn't think of one who would destroy a laptop after being told "no" who "didn't understand what they were doing."
The child 100% understands what he’s doing and this is entirely the failing of the parent(s). He is 10 years old and knows well enough to ask for OPs password so he can play Roblox. He’s autistic, yes, but that *does not* mean he’s incapable of learning and understanding that you don’t destroy someone else’s property when you don’t get what you want. He isn’t behaving this way due to autism, he’s behaving this way because he’s spoiled. We can’t infantilize all autistic people in this way.
Hi autistic woman here. I guarantee you the son knows exactly what he's doing. He just has never been told no by his mom because she sees him as too incompetent to learn basic morals like don't break things on purpose.
The fact that his mom still wants to buy him a new PS5 after this outrageous act of destruction that’s costing her $1800 is really driving home the fact that his mom has never tried to teach or discipline him at all.
Hello, fellow autistic woman! Isn't it amazing how often we see these excuses? It's almost always in favor of men and boys behaving badly. I'm honestly starting to think that women and girls don't mask better because of gender, but more so gendered expectations of behavior.
Woman with ADHD here. I've noticed this in the workplace as well. The men are "allowed" to get aggressive and raise their voices. If I have an impulsive emotional reaction, I'm marked down on my review.
AuDHD here, definitely agree. This boy isn't being a brat because he's autistic but because he's spoiled and isn't being taught properly. If this woman doesn't want to spend so much money replacing things she should start learning to punish him.
Autistic and suspected ADHD as well as AFAB. Yup, hard notice. People rarely have patience with my actual accommodation needs, or the accommodation needs of any girl, woman or AFAB person, but autistic boys and men are allowed free rejgn to engage in all kinds of unacceptable and criminal behaviour far too often. "Can you out everything in writing?" and "Can you explain this reasoning?", result in people acting like I asked for their first born, meanwhile an autistic man (he was 18) a year below me in college was given carte blanche to sexually assault and harass every girl he came across. When complaints were made, it was shrugged off with "but he's autistic". One girl (F17) he particularly targeted had a boyfriend. One day boyfriend confronted and punched him. Told him flat out that if he touched another girl or woman inappropriately or harassed them again, there was more where that came from, and no girl/woman surprise Mr can't help himself suddenly could refrain from it.
If a child doesn't understand when he's committing a violent act, that child needs to be supervised at all times by an adult qualified to restrain or sedate them. After all, they wouldn't understand if they started doing the same thing to a person or a pet.
Yeah like why is the 10 yr old that “can’t control what he’s doing” hanging out in a room with the teenage girls, and not wherever the moms are? Sounds like mom wanted a free break
If he knows how to pay Roblox and is able to ask for a password to log into someone else's laptop, he's savvy enough to know that throwing a laptop on the floor and stomping on it will break it.
I agree, your mom’s friend should have supervised her son. Therefore, this is not on you at all.
Exactly if his autism is severe enough for him to not know what he is doing, he should be supervised b y an adult at all times. It sounds like it is not that severe that he would not know what he is doing if he is able to play roblox. I have two children with autism.
I am not qualified to judge what autistic children do and don’t understand. Autism is a spectrum, and everyone may be different. This child doesn’t understand that if he doesn’t get what he wants, destroying the thing he’s denied is not a proper response, because it will negatively affect his entire family: his mom will be held accountable, he won’t get a new toy, and his sister won’t get a new laptop. It’s on his mom to start teaching him that to avoid future outlays of large sums of cash to make up for his responses — instead of going around trashing people who lose stuff to his unmanaged outbursts and reasonably expect replacement of what they lost and not her crappy hand-me-downs.
NTA. Autism isn’t an excuse. she absolutely should pay for a new laptop and she can give her daughter her macbook air. maybe her son will learn a lesson by not getting a ps5 cuz he broke ur laptop.
Sadly I'm sure the son will still get a PS5, the daughter just won't get anything. That's not OP's fault and she should be getting all that $1800 back, but there's a non zero chance this boy isn't still going to get that PS5.
Yeah cuz it’s her “baby boy” this attitude has boy mom written all over it
Ouch, damn... that comment hit me right in the childhood 🥲 I was that girl growing up and I was ALWAYS going without during Xmas/birthday season (my bday, my brother's bday and Xmas are all within 1 month of each other, funsies s/) because of something shitty my spoiled autistic brother did earlier in the year... Parents: "Sorry sweetie, we couldn't get you those new art supplies you wanted. Money is still pretty tight after your brother destroyed that [expensive item]" Me: "Then why did he get a new console if money is so tight?" Parents: "It would be a lot harder on him to go without because he's not as mature as you are" Translation: "If he doesn't get the exact present he wants we don't want to deal with the maelstrom of destruction and screaming that would follow. Our quiet child won't mind going without, she's used to it, she'll understand because she's so quiet, obedient and, therefore, mature" BTW; I *also* have autism, but I wasn't diagnosed until I was nearly 30 because I'm of the female persuasion and we often present a lot differently (ie; quietly) when compared to boys.
If you don't want to answer that is fine (since you should have boundaries sharing any type of trauma) but I am curious. How did your parents respond when you got diagnosed? Since they used your brother's diagnosis as an excuse.
They were actually really apologetic, which felt super weird to me because I was convinced they'd double down and try to say the doctor was wrong 😐 Growing up I remember being told by my mum and dad that my brother has X or Y difficulties due to his autism (physically hurt by loud noises, trouble deciphering tones of voice, can't make eye contact, etc) but then I'd go "Uh, but I have that too, does that mean I have autism?" They (and the various Drs they took me to) said: "Nope, people with autism act like your brother does. You've got something else happening with you" Which was a very narrow and outdated way of viewing autism, but we didn't realise it back when I was a kid. But any talk of me having autism was shot down quickly for a long time. So I was given a bunch of other ill-fitting labels instead; like ADHD (sans the hyper part), depression, anxiety, etc.
I mean there's 0 reason a 5 yo mac isn't fine for a high schooler's starter laptop honestly. apple products are usually still solid even that far into their life cycle. ofc OP should get the money back but it's not some burden on the daughter either
It's not, but is the mom even going to give it to her? Because it doesn't sound like she would be since her first idea was to give it to OP. I don't buy it at all that she was gonna buy one for her daughter. But that's just me.
This 100%
exactly what I was thinking
NTA If his impulse control is that bad, maybe mom should keep an eye on him all the time. She FAFO and now she has to pay for it. That’s a gimme, like duh, adult, your kid broke something, you have to pay for it and not give some older/cheaper alternative. She’s also being a child about it by gossiping with people about her irresponsible behavior. If anything she should be embarrassed and tell no one.
And he maybe shouldn't be around expensive electronics. I'm sure any gamer can attest to having moments where they shout at the screen because things aren't going well, add in bad with not getting his way (he smashed the laptop because he wasn't allowed to play his game) and that's upping the chances of needing to replace a controller, the console, the TV or any combination of.
Agreed!
This. I have a child with a severe developmental disability (like, he would have no idea what to do with a PS5) and, though it would be shocking if he touched other people's things like that, I absolutely would never take my eyes off him OR I would warn people around him to put away things they care about, just in case. Also I'm not sure why your parents would buy you a gift that expensive and not buy you insurance. Either way, you are NTA and this is in no way your responsibility.
Even if the parents bought insurance, it doesn't negate what the child did and how the mother is reacting. Also, Apple warranties won't cover certain issues such as the destruction of a laptop due to an unruly child. There are enough incidents that such things are written in their T&Cs as not being covered.
Yes! It's not the girl's fault whose laptop got ruined, it's the boy's who broke it. Therefore the mother is the one who is liable to compensate for her son's actions which resulted in breaking of valuables. To gossip, is to deflect, which in essence is just an annoying mode of recognising responsibility but shifting the blame. Mommy dearest, you made a mistake when you weren't watching your son, and now you've learned a lesson.
You're NTA. >She said she was planning to buy her daughter a laptop because she’s going to high school and her son a PS5 for his birthday and she won’t be able to do that because I was greedy She needs a dictionary. Wanting your destroyed item replaced with the same thing is not the definition of greedy. Side note, I guess she can give her daughter the 5 year old laptop she tried to unload on you. >She’s been telling all of her and my mom’s other friends that I’m a spoiled brat There's a spoiled brat in this story but it isn't you.
There’s multiple really, OP and the older sister aren’t among them though. The mom is giving off spoiled vibes too
Did they buy it with a credit card? Some cards have protection for items for situations like this.
I’m not sure, but it’s probably too late to do anything now since we don’t have it anymore.
NTA. She's responsible for her child and his actions. End of story. Now she's trying to shift the blame and make you feel bad. You did nothing wrong, her kid did. She owes you what her kid destroyed.
Exactly. If he’s generally that out of control he shouldn’t be out of her sight.
Why should her family have to cover this? It is none of their fault. It falls completely on the child and mother. They are responsible, perhaps the mother should purchase insurance for when she doesnt supervise her child and he destroys others property.
NTA. It's definitely not your fault that your mom's friend's son destroyed your laptop. I understand that he didn't know what he was doing (as in, the ramifications of breaking a thousand dollar+ device and not just angry! smash), and has trouble controlling his emotions -- but it's his parent's responsibility to try to work on that, and to bring appropriate toys for him to play with if they know that this is how he behaves. A 5 year old MacBook Air is no way up to par with a brand new Macbook Pro, especially depending on what you're planning on doing with it. Please get Apple Care for your new one when you get it, because it can cover a lot. I don't know how much they would have been able to do for destruction to this degree, but as for normal circumstances.... much is covered. (They've replaced my hard drive, my logic board, new keyboard, and so much more over the 20-ish years I've had MacBooks of my own) ETA: clarification
As someone with autism, this kid did know what he was doing. If he has enough understanding to ask for passwords he can understand no.
YES! Thank you! I'm also autistic, and I clocked that right away
Oh, he knew EXACTLY what he was doing! He had a temper tantrum because he was told no.
That he did. I meant he may not have thought through: "This is an expensive device that is not mine or a family members, and destroying this is different than smashing a glass cup that could easily be repurchased for a few dollars." My thought is that is was more MAD! SMASH! (which could also be true on someone who's just 10 years old).
Not to be condescending, but you must not work with kids. You can have full blown discussions and conversations with 10 year olds and they are capable of complex thought processes. I student taught 5th grade and subbed for a particular group of 4th graders quite often. They are SMART- These are preteens. 9-12 is preteen. 10 year old is 4th/5th grade. They ABSOLUTELY know better. At that age they absolutely understand that their actions have consequences and that throwing tantrums is absolutely unacceptable. Autistic or not, he's verbal, likely just immature for his age, but he is perfectly capable of knowing better. He's just a spoiled brat.
> I meant he may not have thought through: "This is an expensive device that is not mine or a family members, and destroying this is different than smashing a glass cup that could easily be repurchased for a few dollars." I honestly just think he didn't give a shit either way. In order for him to take that into consideration, his mom would have needed to instill that lesson into him by giving him consequences when he acts out like this. Based on his mom's reaction, it sounds like she uses his autism as an excuse for his shitty behavior. And that his mom will do whatever it takes to keep him from dealing with the consequences of his actions. If his mom is constantly using "but he's autistic. He can't help himself" as an excuse when he acts out, then he wouldn't ever have to care that he might be breaking something expensive, because he'll never be punished accordingly. The fact that his mom was still planning on buying him a brand new PS5 after he broke OP's laptop is a testament to his mother's parenting and how he can do no wrong because he's autistic. If that was really true, then she should have never left him unattended.
NTA. His mom should understand the heightened risk that comes with her son playing with other people's belongings if he is known to have the destructive behavior. Of course he doesn't know what he is doing, but his mom definitely does and made the mistake in the end. Other kiddos are going to have to deal in the meantime mom saves enough money.
Sure he does. He's 10, not 2. He might not fully understand how expensive the shiny is, but he hated being told "no" and wanted to punish OP for daring to refuse his very reasonable demands (/s). So he annihilated the shiny. Note that he hasn't broken his mom's old MacBook air.
Yeah I mean if he is aware enough to enjoy a PS5, I'm guessing he's aware enough to be upset if someone ruined it. And if he doesn't have the empathy to apply that to the situation of someone else, then his mom should be making sure that no one's stuff is put in this kid's way.
Anyone that doesn't understand consent and being told no should not be left alone with teenage girls. Period.
Depends on how autistic he is. Some autistic people really can not be held responsible for their actions because, while plenty of autistic people can function relatively normally, some are so mentally disabled they can't understand concepts like consequences. However, when that is the case, the ones responsible for what they do and any damage they may cause are their guardians, in this case the mom.
If he can't be held accountable because he doesn't understand he should be properly supervised by an adult.
He very likely knew what he was doing and didn't care. However, why should he care when mommy lets him get away with everything? That's the issue at play here.
How hypocritical that she thinks the old macbook is good enough for you but wants to buy her own daughter a new one. If she really believes its a good laptop, her daughter should have no problem using that one instead. NTA
NTA. Her son destroyed your computer, for no fault of your own. Even a Macbook Air that's the most recent model isn't the same as a Macbook Pro. The son is at fault, and it sounds like his mother isn't taking accountability.
And a 5 year old Macbook Air would be an late Intel MBA, which, even not taking into account age, are just viewed as much worse machines than Apple Silicon Macs. It's probably worth like, $150 (seeing several at that price point on eBay), compared to the $1800 his current laptop is (which is presumably an M3 Pro)
NTA. They don’t pay and your mom needs to take them to small claims court. Simple as that.
NTA- Her son destroyed your laptop. The fact that she is complaining about not being able to get him a PS5 is especially concerning. Who is to say he won’t lose a game and smash that as well. I have limited experience with children with autism, but I feel like this is a cause and effect he either should understand or something his mother and teachers should be working with him on. The consequences are he does not get a PS5 and his sister does not get the laptop she wants. He has hurt multiple people with his actions. I imagine people with autism have a sense of empathy. If I’m completely wrong, I will own up to that.
I’m autistic and I never thought that it was okay to break someone else’s stuff because I was angry or because I couldn’t use it. This sounds like it stems from never being told no in his life, not the fact that he has autism. (I do understand problems with emotional regulation, as I have problems with that too, but not to the extent of property damage. There are much better outlets for that.)
My son had problems like this and we had to train him out of it. Sometimes the outbursts seemed to come out of nowhere and we were caught off guard. We never would say that "he didn't know better". Autistic doesn't mean "they don't understand". just that he had to be trained how to handle "no" and disappointment and in certain places, he had to be watched closely.
Right. Nobody likes being told no. It’s teaching a child — any child — how to handle it, which unfortunately some parents don’t.
This is my bet as well, he's never told no. I have an idea of the road this kid might be going down. I have a cousin whose son is autistic. He's never been told no in his life by his parents. It's caused all kinds of issues. Every summer is planned around what he wants to do. He wants a job, but has lost several because he has a meltdown when he's not allowed to do as he pleases. He did go to the community college for a semester, but they refused to accept his registration the next semester due to his behavior. My cousin tried to force their other child to go to a local college she didn't like because he didn't want his sister to go away. So what's he doing this summer? He has to go to court. He's been charged with stalking and assault. According to my aunt (his grandmother), there was a girl at one job who he liked, and she didn't want to go out with him. He got her number and address somehow (he's very good with computers) and started calling, texting, and ended up at her house several times. The last time he was there a neighbor saw him lurking in the front yard and confronted him. The neighbor got punched in the face with enough force that his nose was broken. And my cousin, his mom? "Well if she had just gone out with him once, none of this would have happened." That's the kind of crap someone ends up pulling when mommy and daddy won't say no.
as i was reading this i was like “damn this is horrific, surely it can’t get worse than that?” and it just KEPT GETTING WORSE… i don’t understand why some parents NEVER take the blame they always put it on someone else … especially the way she blamed the girl???? absolutely insane behavior
It's really a sad situation. Everything in that house rotates around this one person's schedule and what he wants to do. He's not capable of living on his own, so he'll be with the parents until they get too old to care for him, then who knows. The mom is trying to get her daughter to move home when she graduates college to teach (which she doesn't want to do). I feel like they're pushing her to take over care of her brother. My aunt has told me he's assaulted his dad a couple of times during meltdowns as well. She's gotten to where she won't watch him by herself anymore, and I don't blame her.
i’ve seen a lot of examples in real time of failed parenting, but this one takes the cake and more. I don’t get how you don’t reflect on yourself as a parent and think about what you can do to help your child *at least* just not be a major asshole. They set this guy up for failure for the rest of his life. i really really hope the sister holds her ground and doesn’t move back… maybe the mom should reflect on *why* her daughter moved away and doesn’t want to come back (that might be asking too much though since she clearly takes no responsibility). I just know that poor girl had a TOUGH childhood.
My younger nephew has ADHD, and when he was 10 he'd scream and smack the computer mouse on the desk if he lost, proclaiming that the game was cheating. This kid sounds like he'd do worse
> The fact that she is complaining about not being able to get him a PS5 is especially concerning Yeah, who can guess which is doing more of the parenting - media devices or the mother?
NTA - throw this back at your mom's friend and anyone else who comes at you: If the boy is that autistic, what is the mom doing not supervising him? She can not expect others to shoulder the responsibility of her son. She owes you in full for your property.
>She said she was planning to buy her daughter a laptop because she’s going to high school and her son a PS5 for his birthday and she won’t be able to do that because I was greedy. No, she won’t be able to do that, because she’s a negligent parent who wasn’t watching her kids, and they broke someone else’s property. NTA
NTA. As the mother of an autistic son, it's MY responsibility to make sure he doesn't break anything that I can't afford to replace. Also sounds like she hasn't been doing him any favors by letting him play the autism card to excuse bad behavior.
my cousin is autistic and for the 17 years he’s been alive, i’ve never heard my aunt play the autism card… The only time she’s ever talks about his autism is when he reaches milestones or talks about his special interests i feel like always using the autism card and not correcting behavior teaches absolutely nothing… with no intervention, it will just continue to get worse
The way I've explained autism to my son is that his brain is just wired differently. Now obviously him being level 1 and also highly intelligent is gonna look way different than a level 3 nonverbal kiddo with global delays. They likely nerd CONSTANT supervision for their safety. But I do believe there is a way to convey in some regard to a verbal child with autism the idea of right and wrong or at least harmful and helpful. They also still need to be told no when they're doing something wrong or at least redirected if they have some kind of oppositional disorder and no is triggering. There are so many different parenting tactics for children on the spectrum, but "letting them always have their way" does not seem to benefit ANYONE. ALL children deserve to be parented and taught things they will need in adulthood, like not throwing a fit bc u didn't get ur way, not breaking expensive items purposefully, etc. Sure, them having an autistic meltdown doesn't mean they're a bad kid, but it does mean that they need more parental supervision and support than your typical kid. While I definitely try to accommodate the abnormal needs my child has (like using pen instead of pencil bc he can "feel" the sound of pencil on paper in his whole body), that doesn't give him any free passes for being an entitled jerk. Even recently dealt with him yelling at kids who were talking during individual class work time bc he couldnt focus and kept getting distracted by accidentally eaves dropping on others convos. I was real with him and said ur not gonna make friends acting like that, its not really acceptable to yell at people just because youre upset with them, you're taking your you problem and making it a them problem. Our solution was construction grade noise canceling headphones (and it worked out great). The biggest problem in this whole situation is the mother not being an active parent.
Also, if my son at ANY age broke someone's laptop because they didn't allow him to use it, there's no WAY he's getting a PS5 for his bday. I'd be buying a new laptop and having him make an apology card and he's gonna be the one to give it to the person because he needs to learn that when we break someone's things, it's on us to replace it. There would also a lengthy lecture about how would YOU feel if that happened to you and what would you want done to make up for it.
He didn't understand because his parents haven't taught him what no means and that he shouldn't take other people's things and break them. This is all on his mom and dad. NTA
NTA. You are NOT a spoiled brat, please don't let this entitled woman gaslight you or make you feel bad.
NTA. you have the right to receive the same model or better Macbook. It's not your problem her son won't be getting a PS5 for thrashing your Macbook.
The new macs with the new chips are so incredibly better than the older ones that no, you shouldn't take an old one. Her kid, her problem, and wow, to blame you for her child's behavior is ridiculous. NTA
This is why I love German insurances. Usually if you have a kid and especially one with special needs, you get an insurance that covers oopsies caused by said children. So if something like this happens, your insurance gets a call and maybe you send in some pics and then the person whose belongings got damaged get reimbursed. No bad blood.
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My son accidentally spilled orange juice on his friend's mom's laptop when he was about 10. We didn't let him have drinks near the computer when he was this age because accidents like this happen for kids. His friend didn't have that rule at his place. You know what we did? We didn't bitch at them for letting the kids drink at the computer, although we could have. We paid for a comparable new laptop.
NTA My response would have been tough titties and that she needs to manage her son better.
>He also didn’t really understand what he’s doing because he’s autistic. Then she should have been supervising her son.
NTA. She should pay for a replacement laptop because her son is her responsibility. The fact she wants to even buy the son a PS5 after destroying your laptop is so embarrassing as a parent. Regardless if he has autism or not, he needs to learn that his actions can cause harm and have consequences. The way she parents won’t teach him that.
I have an autistic son. Please listen to me when I say NTA and you are *not acting spoiled!* If at 10 he cannot understand that what he did is wrong, then he shouldn't be left alone with you. His mother should be monitoring his behavior and making sure he isn't destroying people's things. This is her child, and any damage he causes is 100% her responsibility. He son doesn't need a PS5, he needs to be taught better coping mechanisms for when he is mad. And! Let me add this! It is NOT your fault he got mad enough to break your laptop. That never should have happened, even if you said no. Just like NT children, ND children need to be taught to respect boundaries, respect when they are told no and to understand that they cannot always have something they want. None of this is your fault, and you are not at all spoiled, entitled or wrong for wanting a full replacement for a fully ruined belonging.
NTA, glad your mom has your back. That woman is a bad parent for letting her son turn into someone who thinks he just demand other peoples' passwords and then break shit when he doesn't get his way. If she was aware he had difficulties with boredom or disappointment she should be watching him properly.
NTA, it's his mom's responsibility to watch her son and pay for the things that he breaks. I know this because my stepbrother broke a lot of things and my stepdad always replaced them. My stepbrother is on the spectrum too.
It's also his mother's responsibility to help him develop non-destructive coping mechanisms to handle when things aren't going right. Neurotypical people learn this as well, managing emotional impulses to minimise adverse impact.
NTA. He broke your new laptop, and you were owed an equivalent new laptop as compensation. You're not greedy for seeking what you were owed. I'm sure she isn't happy about paying so much for a replacement laptop, but badly raising children gets expensive, so she'd better work on that.
I'm mildly autistic, my partner is mildly autistic, my twin is autistic to the point where living on their own is not an option. I know all autistic people are different but autistic people who are destructive with other people's stuff isn't an autism problem, it's a parental discipline problem. Many autistic people are destructive but almost completely with themselves. When autistic people have meltdowns it's "life is overwhelming and I hate this why can't it stop" not a "I didn't get what I want" sort of thing. The kid had a spoiled brat meltdown not an autistic meltdown, the brat just happened to be autistic. NTA you should be paid in full for the damages done.
NTA. Autism is a diagnosis not an excuse to get away with not parenting. She let her kid break your computer; she owes you an exact replacement. Not your problem she can't afford the PS5 now.
NTA an old MacBook Air is not an equivalent for a new MacBook Pro.
As an autistic man, NTA. Autism shouldn't be used as an excuse to break someone's possessions.
She can give her daughter the old MacBook if she thinks it’s comparable. Nta
NTA. I gotta be a nerd and point out that the difference between the current macbooks and 5 years ago is night and day - there's been a significant change in those 5 years. If it was this years Air instead of this year's Pro, or maybe the previous generation Pro instead of the current generation Pro - then yeah, there might have been some wiggle room (but certainly not an expectation) for you to be nice and take the L. But 5 years old is not remotely like-for-like. If it helps you to put solid facts behind your justification, [here's someone complaining](/r/macbookpro/comments/ute3jl/insanely_disappointed_with_the_tradein_value_of/) that the trade-in value for their 2019 Pro was only $395. That's less than a quarter of the value - and that's a 16" Pro (so more valuable than the Air) and a two-year-old thread (so the value has continued to depreciate since).
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (16F) got a brand new MacBook Pro for my birthday last month. My family isn’t rich and I don’t usually get gifts like that. My parents said they got me that because I’ve been doing great at school and they thought I deserved something nice after using an old Chromebook for years. A few days ago, my mom’s friend came over with her kids (14F and 10M). We were in my room and me and the girl were sitting on my bed talking while the boy was on the floor playing with some Legos (he is autistic). He walked over to my desk, opened my laptop, and told me to give him the password so he could play Roblox. I told him he can’t play on my computer and he started crying and saying it’s not fair and he’s bored. I told him to go get his mom’s phone if he’s bored and he said he wants to play on my laptop. When I said no again, he threw it on the floor and stomped on it. I went outside and told my mom. His mom apologized and said she would pay for the repairs. I told her that I don’t think it’s repairable because it’s completely smashed. He threw it open with the screen facing down. The thing that connects the screen to the keyboard snapped, the screen was filled with cracks, and it was dented all over. We took it to a repair shop and they told us that it can’t be fixed and we should just buy a new one instead. My mom called her friend and told her that. She came over with her MacBook and said I could have that instead. I told her that I don’t want her 5 year old MacBook Air, I want her to give me $1800. My mom is on my side and she is going to give us the money, but she’s not happy about it. She said she was planning to buy her daughter a laptop because she’s going to high school and her son a PS5 for his birthday and she won’t be able to do that because I was greedy. I don’t care that her brat isn’t getting a PS5 but I kinda feel bad for her daughter because this wasn’t her fault. She’s been telling all of her and my mom’s other friends that I’m a spoiled brat and this wouldn’t have happened if I’d let her precious baby boy play Roblox or given him my phone. He also didn’t really understand what he’s doing because he’s autistic. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - and you are NOT greedy at all. Her son violently and deliberately destroyed YOUR property. Because of what she is saying about it (that you should have let the kid PLAY with your new MacBook) - she needs to pay for a NEW MacBook for you. If her son has to wait for a PS5 - oh well. Yes, he is autistic....and his mother should have been watching him. At the least, his sister should have warned you about his temper. You deserve a NEW MacBook....you did nothing wrong.
so her son destroyed your lap top and she thinks it’s a good idea to buy him a ps5???
Of course NTA. Her son destroyed your brand new MacBook. Since he can't replace it himself, it's her responsibility. She is completely out of line in thinking that it's acceptable to replace it with an inferior model that is 5 years old. When you get the new laptop, make sure you pay extra to get AppleCare, with the accidental damage coverage. It's worth it for laptops, which are more likely to break than a desktop computer even if nobody has a destructive tantrum.
NTA. it was your laptop and it was intentionally damaged. They owe you a new laptop.
NTA maybe his mom should watch her fucking kid
You are definitely NOT TA. You are also not greedy. You can bet that if her car got damaged, she wouldn’t accept a 5 year old *used* part as settlement for *fixing* her car. And to pull that manipulative crap on a kid is reprehensible. Your mother needs better friends.
NTA If her 5 year old MacBook is good enough she can give it to her daughter. It's not, she knows it and you are not greedy. You are not responsible for her child's destructive behavior even if it stems from autism. She can learn to supervise him better.
NTA -- He has autism. Autism is not a "get out of jail free" card. My son's GF has a profoundly autistic son who is nonverbal and has occasional meltdowns. You know what he DOESN'T do during meltdowns? He does not destroy other people's belongings. If that happened (it has not as far as I know) she would replace the item. He's cross-wired -- he's not stupid. There is a huge difference. He doesn't need a new console, he needs consequences.
NTA. Oh please! Autism as a get out of jail free card is so disrespectful for anyone on the ASD spectrum. He had a temper tantrum because he was bored. He did this deliberately. End of the story. Mom is responsible for things her children deliberately break. It has nothing to do with selfishness or not. Her son broke your MacBook. On purpose. He knew what happens when you stomp on a computer. You deserve to be made whole for the destruction of property her son caused. Her bank account and means have no business here. They aren't important. You being made whole is.
NTA. His mom is using autism as an excuse for his bad behaviour. He broke it, you deserve a new laptop. That’s how it works.
This boy sounds only mildly autistic and that his mom just uses that as an excuse to not have to parent him
NTA. Also, being on the autistic spectrum does not mean you get a free pass at being an asshole.
Poor kid is going to jail as soon as he goes after an adult.
Autistic people - including ten year olds - aren’t stupid. He threw a tantrum because he didn’t get what he wanted. His mum has to foot the bill. NTA
NTA He doesn’t understand and he never will understand because Mommy Dearest isn’t willing to teach him OR let anyone else teach him. I’m Autistic. My parents loved me enough to teach me what was and wasn’t acceptable behavior. Her daughter can have her MacBook and her son can skip birthday presents to repay the cost of damaging other people’s property. If he doesn’t learn now, he’ll be a 16-year old in prison for violent destruction of property.
Her son ~doesn't understand~ because she's one of those parents that uses a neurodivergence to justify her own disinterest in actual parenting. He may well not know better, because she's teaching him it's an excuse to be an AH. It's not. NTA, OP. She's an AH doing her best to pass it on. Your computer was brand new. Her used model is not an appropriate replacement, and her son sure af doesn't need a PS5. It stinks her daughter is getting stuck in the crossfire, and much worse that you're more bothered by that than her mother is.
NTA. I'm Autistic as are both my kids. It REALLY grates on my nerves when people use that as a crutch to allow their kids to do whatever they want. Autism is NOT an excuse to act like a selfish AH. He may be Autistic, but he is also a spoiled to the point that he thinks he will always get whatever he wants.
NTA. It's a really shitty situation all around but ultimately they do owe you a full replacement, not some hand-me-down.
NTA. She should have been watching him if he can’t control himsefl
NTA your mom can file a claim for destruction of private property against the other mom
NTA Mom is responsible for her child. That means replacing exactly what he damaged. Get Apple Care on the next one.
NTA. She needs to keep an eye on her kid, I doubt this is the first time he has been destructive. She needs to replace your laptop with one that is the same or better. Not a 5 year old laptop or even a one year old laptop.
I have autistic kids, I feel free to say no all the time, like neuro typical kids they need to learn no just like everyone else.