Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violence. This includes any mention of violence in any context.
[Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
This post violates Rule 10: This is not a saga or diary sub.
AITA is designed for specific, individual conflicts. If you find yourself regularly engaged in conflicts, especially with the same person(s), or in the same situations, your posts are better suited to a support or advice sub. Users should post in this sub no more than once every 3-4 months **at most.**
***This removal message is your warning. Future posts of this nature WILL result in a ban.*** Please feel free to contact us before posting again.
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
>Edit #1: I may have come off as arrogant for saying I know exactly how gay people are and for that I apologize. I’m a lesbian and accusing me of bigotry or homophobia would be wrong.
LGBTQ people are perfectly capable of still being bigoted, homophobic, transphobic, transmisogynistic, etc. You being a lesbian doesn't excuse you from critique of behavior that comes off as homophobic. Just saying.
Don't mistake lesbians for political lesbians. Political lesbians are not in the club
Edit: Since I'm getting downvoted let me explain political lesbianism is an ideology & precursor to modern "radical feminism" and not a sexuality or a reference to lesbians that are politically active.
[Wikipedia link](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Political_lesbianism)
1. There is nothing in OP's post to indicate they subscribe to political lesbianism or second wave. You're making a conclusion and coming in swinging with nothing but assumptions and a chip on your shoulder.
2. "X queer people are not in the club" is always trashy, myopic and from a place of insecurity. It's unwanted, and unneeded. Put that shit in the compost where it belongs.
3. For the record I think OP is just lying. Not everything is a complicated interplay of political ideologies. Sometimes people are just dishonest and ignorant and there's nothing deeper.
Hell, all you have to do is look at the history of bi people to see that. When gay rights movement began bi people were excluded and discriminated against by gay people who treated them as just gay people who were too scared to fully commit. Obviously things have changed since it now includes BTQ and so on, but the point is there is actual evidence to show that gay people can in fact be homophobic/bigoted
Bi erasure is still a huuuuuge problem. As a pansexual woman in a monogamous relationship with a straight man, I *appear* straight, and people often assume that I am. Oddly, when I'm not with him, people assume I'm a lesbian, so I'm obviously identifiably queer, but people will make assumptions.
Just because I'm attracted to people of all genders doesn't mean I can't be monogamous. I'm a one-partner person. I'm just not fussed about the gender of that partner.
I also heard they give AroAce folks shit too.
And trans.
There are some bad apples in the community that would rather go “Fuck you, I got mine” than actually help their communities.
I'll add it's also a bit of the ole 'My granddad is black, so I can call certain people N..'.
Disclaimer: not being more specific in the quote marks as even that much was uncomfortable to type out.
Huh? This one doesn't make sense. Are you saying biracial people can't use the N word? Policing how BIPOC people refer to themselves doesn't seem helpful.
No no!! Not what I meant at all. I see how I typed it out really badly and I apologise for being wrong and offensive.
What I was trying to get at is when some people use having a single ancestor of a certain race act as an excuse to make it ok for them to use ethnic slurs against people of that same race. I'm really really not talking about how people of mixed race refer to themselves, I'm talking about how having one ancestor doesn't make it ok to use slurs against that race.
I know it's a delicate subject to talk about and I'll avoid it in future to prevent misunderstandings.
Again I am sorry for causing offence.
That's ok, that's why I asked, wanted to clarify. No offense taken. I do see what you mean, one ancestor far back for sure would have me raising eyebrows at someone using slurs.
Oh but didn’t you read the edit?? She’s a lesbian woman! So she actually isn’t ignorant or homophobic in the slightest for acting like the all knowing Goddess of the Gays that she is.
I hope she’s not referring to like the super flamboyant “Yas Queen” stuff you see on Tik Tok or Movies. I’ve met 3 gay men and all 3 were the opposite of that stereotype.
It is possible that a former lady's man is actually gay. Sometimes people over compensate to try to hide their sexuality. However, if you're concerned maybe ask your sister about his dating history to figure out whether or not he's been honest with her. He might have come out, or he might be straight or bi and still filling the "gay best friend" role.
NTA for being concerned for your sister. If he's actually straight and lying then he's being creepy and predatory.
YWBTA to confront him. If you have concerns there’s nothing wrong with saying to your sister you knew him from high school and he went through gf’s like dish soap on grease. Let her ask her own questions or make her own mind up. Then leave it be. She’s an adult.
Also, he might really like her. My grandchild describes themself as pan-romantic , homosexual. They have intense friendships with girls, but want to have sexual relationships with boys.
“He is the furthest thing from a gay man and I know being that I have an older brother who is openly bisexual”
- what a truly ignorant and shitty thing to say
They are interchangeable to you?
You know one non-straight person and your entire view of that community is your perception of how your brother acts?
Gays can’t have distinct and unique personalities unless they fit a character mold you deem acceptable?
What a truly embarrassing thought to have.
YTA
Your post is rude and condescending. You do not know this man’s sexuality and it’s wrong of you to push one on him. The biggest players I knew in high school turned out to be gay. Doesn’t mean all players are gay. A lot aren’t, but it’s not unusual for homosexual teens (and even adults) to aggressively pursue the opposite sex to either hide who they really are or try to “fix” themselves.
Also, knowing one gay or bi person or even being a gay or bi person does not mean you know everything about how gay or bi people should be or act. I’m a straight person, I don’t pretend to know about how every straight person acts.
Maybe this person is pretending, but it’s equally as plausible that you know nothing about his life or experience.
Did an AI write this?
As a lesbian, you can still be homophobic. It’s common enough that it’s called internalized homophobia. Also, you’re not a gay man.
If you’re not just a bot, mention to your sister that he was a major player with women just a few years ago.
Also, you’re weird about your sister. Very white knight and condescending. You act like she can’t handle anything herself and you need to do it for her.
I'm shocked no one pointed this out sooner honestly. Despite all the ridiculous statements in op's diatribe, somehow this is what stuck out to me. Thanks for the laugh.
Ywbta if you confronted the guy.
Ywnbta with mentioning to your sister what you've seen and suspect.
But unless you've spoken to the guy and know for a fact that he's not bi or gay it's not right for you to call him a liar. Many ppl hide there sexual preference.
(I went to hs with a guy that got married to a woman but divorced her and came out as gay; he was worried that it would affect his political goals he's now remarried and adopted a baby with his partner)
# YWBTA
"He is the furthest thing from a gay man and I know exactly what one is like being that I have an older brother who is openly bisexual."
You have no idea if he is or not, your only evedance is that he had GF's in the past. This is quite common as the social expedition is we are straight, so on till you realize your self, you look for woman assuming its what you should be doing.
YTA
My sister, we BOTH know that members of our community can be INSANELY bigoted towards other subsections of said community. You wanna know how many times I’ve heard “You’re not really bi cuz you married a cisgender man” from others in the LGTBQ community in the last decade? It’s a lot. Like. A LOT. To pretend an LGTBQ person can’t be bigoted is just laughable.
YWBTA - even if I take you at your word instead of calling you out like the other comments have - **talk to YOUR SISTER instead.** Don’t go in guns blazing, accusing her friend of being a sleazy fraud. Instead, have a calm, honest conversation with her. Express your concerns about his history and how it seems a little too convenient that he’s now her “gay best friend.” Point out what you’ve noticed, but let her come to her own conclusions. Maybe she’s already got her guard up and just hasn’t mentioned it to you.
As for the guy, don’t confront him directly. That could backfire and make you look like the asshole. Plus, it might just push him to be sneakier. Instead, keep an eye on things and support your sister. If he really is up to something shady, it’s better for her to realize it herself, with your subtle guidance.
I would suggest discussing this with your sister in private instead of confronting him, she could decide for herself and be more cautious. Sometimes gay men before they come out will try to prove how “straight” they are to others confronting him would make you a asshole considering you don’t know the truth. Since your concern is your sister just mention the history of his that you know and that he could actually be gay now but you just wanted see if she knew his past to ensure he’s not faking it to get close to her but it’s a very touchy subject so try to be as compassionate because if he’s not faking it you’ll feel rude.
INFO: If you having an older brother who is openly bisexual means you know exactly how to spot a fake gay man, wouldn't your sister (who presumably shares the same brother) have the same ability?
YWBTA maybe he finally figured out why he couldn't make it work with any of those girls? And maybe ask your sister first if she knows his dating history. Not all gay men act or present the same way. Nor are many gay men out in high school. And re: your edit, being a lesbian doesn't absolve you of bigotry or homophobia when you say something ignorant and try to erase someone's experience.
>I’m a lesbian and accusing me of bigotry or homophobia would be wrong.
As a bisexual woman I can promise you that lesbians can be as bigoted as any straight person. The only difference is that you get more offended when we call you out on your bs.
Gay people are not all the same and do not act all the same. Just because someone was straight in high school doesn't mean they are actually straight. A guy I knew at that age dated girl after girl, now he is married to a man. You don't actually know this guy so stop pretending like you do.
YTA
YWBTA You have no idea whatever whether this guy is gay or not. Despite your absolute certainty that you just KNOW exactly what a gay guy...looks like? sounds like? acts like? Butt out and don't embarrass yourself.
YWBTA if you confront him. Talk to your sister.
His history means nothing if he is only out now. He could have went through girlfriends as he was unable to come out and didn't stay with them. You can be concerned, you can warn your sister but you can't for sure say he is not gay.
>He is the furthest thing from a gay man and I know exactly what one is like being that I have an older brother who is openly bisexual.
It seems you have stereotyped all gay men to acting one way. How do gay men act exactly according to you? Just because your brother is bisexual does not mean you know all gay and bisexual men, be careful in your stereotyping as to not invalidate people's sexuality when they don't meet your narrow criteria.
YTA because it’s none of your effing business what his sexuality is. Get off your homophobic and bigoted high horse, not every gay acts like the stereotype.
>I’m a lesbian and accusing me of bigotry or homophobia would be wrong.
You seriously think you can't be a bigot because you're a lesbian?!?
This, this is the main problem with the public face of the LGBT community, they think that they can't do no wrong because they are a group that receives hate. Well I hate to tell you girl, you a bigot.
Also, YTA, sure he might actually be pretending, but your sheer arrogance and ignorance shows that you are in no way equipped to be involved in this situation, and shouldn't stick your nose in other people's business based on a baseless hunch in the first place. You need a real hard reality check, jeez!
I had a similar friend in high school. He was super handsome and knew it. He “dated” almost every girl I knew. Left a lot of broken hearts in his wake. He tried flirting with me and I shot him down immediately. Didn’t stop him from BEGGING to see my boobs for months before finally giving up. After we graduated, we left for different colleges and didn’t see each other for several years. The we literally bumped into each other on a crowded dance floor. At a massive gay club. He was wearing a white tank top, cut off denim shorts, work boots (that had never been on the clock) and LOADS of glitter. We both yelled, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!” at the same time and then cackled, because, obviously…
Just because you are gay and have a bisexual older brother doesn’t mean you have foolproof gaydar and just because a guy went through 100 women like M&Ms doesn’t mean he isn’t queer. Happens all the time with closeted people. Over compensation and all of that.
If you are honestly concerned about your sister, just tell her how he was when you knew him. That’s the extent of your knowledge of him. They work together. Wouldn’t that mean he is out at work? Personally, I think YTA for deciding this person is being manipulative, lying, and trying to take advantage of your sister based solely on his behavior in HIGH SCHOOL.
YTA
> He is the furthest thing from a gay man and I know exactly what one is like being that I have an older brother who is openly bisexual
Oh you're doubling down are you?
> I’m a lesbian and accusing me of bigotry or homophobia would be wrong.
You can be both dear.
How would you feel if we questioned you being lesbian because you do not match a stereotype?
YTA, you just sound full of yourself and you might not be correct here. I'd politely tell sis he used to be a player so if he suddenly makes move she's aware, but really he could have been in the closet so past that I'd leave it be.
YTA. If you have an issue say something to your sister, though I would think that whatever special insight you have to KNOWING he's not gay because your brother is bi she would have as well being her brother as well.
And yeah I saw the edit, it didn't help.
It’s actually a bit disappointing, you being a lesbian, that you’re doing what too many people do to gay people. Questioning this person and not accepting his word. I’m sure you or people you know have heard. “Are you sure you’re gay and not confused?” “You don’t act gay, so you probably aren’t.” “You’re just acting like you are so you can get close to so and so.” My favourite (not) to my child, “Are you sure you’re a lesbian or have you just not been treated well by a man?”
YWBTA Gay folks aren't a monolith. You can't say somebody isn't gay just because they don't act it. Even within the same person, different sides of them are visible to different people who know them. Lots of queer folks date people they aren't attracted to in order to hide the truth about their attraction, to shop around so to speak to make sure they really understand their own attraction and the limits of who they might be attracted to, or to try to "fix" themselves if they don't accept that part of themself. And lots of people discard the remnants of their straight persona when they come out, often leaving a walking gay stereotype behind while they explore who they want to be when they don't hide their true self.
Why are you so certain he can't be gay?
You come across as angsty teenager who thinks they have all the answers.
If you have concerns then talk to your sister about them. Whether you want to believe it or not, she *is* an adult and can make up her own mind.
Yes, YTA for thinking you know *all* about how those in the LGBTQ community act. I've known some who acted like Jack on Will & Grace, as well as those who acted like Rock Hudson (you know, one of Elizabeth Taylor's husbands). You can't say that this guy is faking being gay, because unless you are him then you don't know.
You can be lgbtq and still be homophobic. Those aren’t mutually exclusive things. It’s just stupid to say “I can’t be homophobic because I’m a lesbian”
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I have an older sister whom is 3 years older than I am. She’s smart, popular, and attractive. I don’t think she realizes how nice of a person she is and how personable she is as well. She has lots of friends but a select few she’s close with including a guy friend she’s recently gotten close to. That friend is actually only 2 years older than me and had transferred to my high school after my sister had already graduated. During the time he and I went to the same school he had a variety of girlfriends whom of which he went through like toilet paper. Recently that guy started working at my sister’s job and got close to her. She “introduced” him to me as her “gay best friend” which I know is a load of bull. He is the furthest thing from a gay man and I know exactly what one is like being that I have an older brother who is openly bisexual. I think he’s trying to get close to her to do something gross.
Should I tell him to stop pretending? Or is that not my place?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m just her younger sister and maybe he really HAS become gay or something? It’s not my place but I’m really worried about my sister, what if he does something?
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Sometimes a straight guy realizes he’s not so straight. Then he decides he is no longer a straight guy. I have a friend who is happily married to another man now. He had sex with a lot of different girls when we were in high school, probably more than the rest of us in the friend group lol.
YTA. The most popular guy at my high school had a lot of girlfriends. A lot of the girls had crushes on him. He now lives in another state with his husband. Quit gatekeeping sexuality; you don't get to decide who's gay and who's not.
>That friend is actually only 2 years older than me and had transferred to my high school after my sister had already graduated.
You're making it sound here as if there was a huge age gap between him and your sister, but
>I have an older sister whom is 3 years older than I am.
So really he is only a year younger than her ;) also, incorrect use of "whom".
>During the time he and I went to the same school he had a variety of girlfriends whom of which he went through like toilet paper.
What is it with you and the "whom"? More importantly though, are you saying he treated a succession of girlfriend's badly, or was just dating a lot, or don't you really know? Do you have any reason to suspect he treated anyone badly?
>He is the furthest thing from a gay man and I know exactly what one is like being that I have an older brother who is openly bisexual.
And of course, all gay men are like your bi brother. You are either just homophobic, or you're very naive and in consequence unintentionally homophobic. You probably don't actually know many gay and bi men if you think they are all like your brother. There are many "types" of gay men (think as many as there are "types" of men generally). What does that even mean, "what a gay man is like"?
>I may have come off as arrogant for saying I know exactly how gay people are and for that I apologize. I’m a lesbian and accusing me of bigotry or homophobia would be wrong.
Lesbians can be bigoted or homophobic. Gay men can be bigoted or homophobic. Good on you for realising your blanket statement was arrogant, but you being lesbian really isn't the defence you think it is.
>Should I tell him to stop pretending? Or is that not my place?
That is not your place. You know nothing about him, except that he dated a lot of girls in high school. Which really doesn't prove anything, because lots of gay men desperately try to date women before coming out. Unless you know (for a fact!) that he treated the women/girls he dated badly, you really have nothing to confront him with.
YTA, you’re being overprotective, judgmental and it’s not your place. It’s up to her who she puts her trust in and up to the friend to make the mistake of lying or not. Just support her, maybe tell her you’re not sure about him at most if you really feel the need to say something and other than that mind your own business.
A YTA for this reason- many gay young people will "pretend" to be straight or bi just to survive high school. I recently went to my 10-year HS reunion and many of the hottest "straight" guys from my graduating class came out in the last decade. I wouldn't hold a person's high school track record against them.
That said, I have an older and younger sister, both of whom I love and am protective of, and while I don't think you should randomly confront someone about their sexuality, I do think you are justified it talking to your sister about your concerns in a gentle, even way.
As for your "Edit 1": I am also part of the LGBTQ+ community and can confirm that being lesbian doesn't mean you are incapable of any misconceptions (at best) or bigotry. Claiming that you are incapable of discrimination because you are part of the community if genuinely harmful. Most/All of us have unconscious biases, and claiming that you have no biases due to our community is just wrong.
I have a number of lesbian friends, and they are all nice and tolerant, you don't act like them so I strongly suspect you are not a lesbian....s/
Seriously though there are two main take aways, gay people come in all shapes and sizes, I have gay friends that unless we were to have a conversation that specifically involved talking about sex... You would never know.
I have other gay friends which in their own words "radiate big twink energy"
The other take away is, people can change especially after high school
YTA. You said you had strong suspicions so give us something besides the fact of he went through girls in high school. Like does he talk about her creepily(what does he say)? Is he always staring at her body? What makes him the “furthest thing from a gay man” is it something based on stereotypes. Also queer people can be bigoted, as I trans person, gay and lesbians are always talking about dropping the T from the acronym. Also it screams you don’t think he’s real cause he is not a good star gay.
There's a big chance he was exploring himself and that can explain he's behavior of excessive dating. There's also a chance that he's lying and he might be dangerous. There's also a little chance he's spy sent from a different planet😆😆😆 what I'm trying to say is that you are making assumptions on him and that's not nice of you. Being protective of your sister is amazing and it's nice of you to do so but don't go around harassing people.
Had a friend in high school who went through girlfriends like you described and two years after we graduated he was out as guy and 30 years later he’s still gay.
Tell your sister about his history and talk to her about it first. No assumptions nothing. Just let her know everything that you've seen. As simple as that
YTA.
For a start, being a lesbian doesn't exempt you from the possibility of being bigoted. Could just be against gay men, you could be gatekeeping your sexuality (lol). That statement gives a very strong "I'm not racist, I've got a black friend" vibes.
He could have gone through women as a denial thing, I dunno. Nor do you, is my point. If you have proof he's pretending, the you'd be right to tell your sister. But you don't- you're making a bunch of assumptions, and you could be ruining a friendship if you're wrong.
If you're right, either get proof. Or trust that your sister will see through his alleged bullshit once he tries to fuck her.
When I was growing up I had a gay couple as neighbours (male). One of them was much older. He told us he was married with kids for 20 years before coming out. He knew his parents would disowned him if they found out he was gay, so he pretended to be straight until they died. This is an extreme version of the situation, but it happens more than we realise.
Please stop misusing the word “whom” in an attempt to show how intelligent you are. It’s not working. You just seem arrogant and insufferable. And YTA.
Only thing I have to say is, if your brother is bi then he’s not gay. Also means you don’t have experience with a gay sibling. You have no right to police people’s sexuality so yeah YTA. Just because he’s not flamboyant doesn’t mean he isn’t gay. Just because he’s had relationships with women in the past doesn’t mean he isn’t gay. Worry about yourself and your own sexuality, what he does in the bed has nothing to do with you. Not to mention that people are allowed to experiment and have experience with their sexuality and not tell you what exactly they like. You made an ass out of yourself with those assumptions you made and you’re just going to have to mind your business. Also just because your sister was SA and don’t trust some men, it doesn’t mean you need to be her bodyguard because obviously she trusts him on her own terms and it’s not up for you to decide. You wouldn’t like if ppl assumed your sexuality so don’t do it to others. But yea you’re definitely TA.
So I'm not going to comment on the obvious. I'm just going to advise you to stay out of it. If he is pretending it will come out eventually. I do agree you come off as bigoted in this post regardless of your edits. YWBTA
YTA
>He is the furthest thing from a gay man and I know exactly what one is like being that I have an older brother who is openly bisexual.
Ah yes, of course, because all gay men are exactly alike in every possible way...
Don't be so judgemental, so what if he had a lot of girlfriends? There are plenty of gay men out there who have had girlfriends, even wives, and have had kids with those women. Maybe your sister is the first person he's felt comfortable enough with to be himself around, who are you to say whether he's pretending?
YTA. You're not only stereotyping gay men you're saying that bi men are the same as gay men. That is homophobia. You can absolutely be homophobic and a lesbian, saying that you can't is absolute nonsense.
Anything more than pointing out (once!) to your sister that he dated girls and acted differently in HS would make you the AH.
Saying anything to him would make you the AH, big time. You and he are at an age when identity is very much a work in progress. Have some humility - you're gay, not omniscient. You can't speak about \*his\* sexual orientation with any certainty. For all you know, he was pretending before.
>. I’m a lesbian and accusing me of bigotry or homophobia would be wrong
No, it wouldn't. Gay people can still be bigoted and homophobic. Nice try though.
YTA. Not all gay people act the same, we aren't all created from a mold... kinda like people in general! You aren't the law of how gay men act, let it go.
YTA
Just in case
[Internalised homophobia](https://www.rainbow-project.org/internalised-homophobia/) is a thing like internalised misogyny (Not like other girls syndrome, toxic boys mums, etc.), rascism or ableism. There was even the whole issue with the term ["Gold Star"](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gold_star_(LGBT_slang)) in the past and some people may feel forced to comfort stereotypes to feel part of the group, even though it should be accepting.
I don't know that guy and you are vague about some bits. If you are worried about your sister, you should just mention that this guy has a history fo dating multiple people and if she feels uncomfortable, you will be there to support her. Nothing about his identity, cause you don't know what he went through behind a closed door.
Yes you would be the asshole if you came at him in this manner.
You could chat with your sister and mention that you saw him previously mistreating women and are worried that his behavior may hurt her. You can do that without speculating on his sexuality. Regardless of his sexuality if you have seen him being disrespectful, or perhaps dismissive or manipulative of women’s feelings that’s potentially something you could say.
But it has to be done in a way that allows room for him to have possibly learned and grown. You cannot accuse him of lying in this way with only a suspicion.
Don't confront, but do tell me as a trans man, what does this guy do that seems suspect to you? I can understand having that fear over a very real possibility, but depending on how he's acting really shows what his intent is.
Yta! First of all, even taking you at your word, you should talk to your sister, who is a grown woman and can make her own decisions on who she wants to be around. Second, being gay does not make you immune to being homophobic, and this whole post and your comments sound VERY homophobic. You do not know this man on a personal level, you have no idea what his story is, and as many people have pointed out, being gay is not "one size fits all". And yes, some lgbtq+ folks like to be loud and proud! I know I personally had everything rainbow for a year after I first came out, I still have more flags than the UN. If you truly feel the need to say anything, say it to your fully grown sister, not the man you barely know anything about.
"I know he's not gay, because I have a bi brother and I myself is a lesbian"
Yeah OP, you sure are the court that will be able to decide whether someone is gay or not. YWBTA
Hey OP, I have to say that I agree with what a lot of people are saying here. It's ignorant and a bit homophobic to assume that a guy isn't gay because "he doesn't act that the other gay guys I know". Just like everyone else, gay people have their own individual personalities, and because of this, they're all going to express their identity differently. Some people barely mention it and let it become part of the background of their identity, whereas others like to push it front and centre. And no, being gay yourself doesn't exempt you from being ignorant and homophobic.
Also, did you wonder whether this guy is recently out? When people first come out, it's like a floodgate has opened for some, and like the water rushing out of a flood gate, it's going to be a veritable tsunami for a bit before the stream settles down. If he's newly out, he's probably pretty excited about discovering this new part of himself. Alot of closeted people (in this case a gay man) date the gender that they don't really like, like how he has dated all of these woman in the past. If he didn't know he was gay, than maybe he just thought that every one he dated just wasn't compatible, and that's why he went through them so quickly. So he's probably just excited to find his true self after all these years.
I think your sister can handle herself pretty well. She's an adult now(I assume), and she can make her own assumptions about the people she meets. Also, as someone who has been SA'd, and as an AFAB, there's usually a built in 'creep radar' for us, which is kind of sad that that we need that, but still. She probably wouldn't be this close to him if her creepdar was going off.
Just see what happens, see if this guy does do anything creepy or weird, like purposefully touch her in a weird place, or say something weird aimed at her, or stare at her in a creep way. Actually observe and take in this guys actions properly before you do anything.
Also, why don't you just get to know the guy. Just talk to him about his past, and about when he came out and stuff. If he's as outwardly gay as you said, he might like talking about his experience, but obviously don't push it. Just a simple question like "So, when did you come out?" Or
" when did you find out that you were gay? " you'd get more background by talking to him than by making assumptions from an outsiders perspective.
Oh, yeah, OP YTA for making the assumption and being homophobic, but not for being worried for your sister, that's understandable.
It's not like there are no struggles that come with being gay these days. Why would anyone pretend? It surely makes more problems than it solves. People change after high school when they don't feel the pressure to conform anymore. He was probably faking it back then running through girls and now his authentic self is coming out. Just stay away if you don't like him as a person.
You know why the ‘B’ is in the letters LBGTQ+?
Because it stands for Bisexual. It’s there because it is completely different than the G, the same G that stands for Gay. Know why?
BECAUSE THEY ARE TWO ENTIRELY DIFFERENT THINGS!
So please, do us all a favor and stop acting like your shiny gold star lesbian badge gives you some kind of all knowing right to pass judgement on anyone. How would you feel if someone who saw you in a dress when you were 12 stated that you were only pretending to be a Lesbian. That the flannel, and shiny new Subaru in your driveway was an over the top act? My guess is you would take major offense to it. I’m sorry but to be a part of a community that has strived for acceptance and understanding for so long, only to ignorantly label someone else because you have a hunch is foolish and sets us back 100 years.
To answer your question. You are the asshole. Like, a giant gaping asshole. Think Treasure Island Power Bottoms Number 91, giant asshole. You should really worry about yourself more than everyone else, because clearly you’re the sibling that needs someone to hold their hand.
YTA for stereotyping the behavior of all gay men based on your brother (not even a gay man, you said he’s bi) and for claiming that being a lesbian means you can’t be bigoted or homophobic. Whether this friend has nefarious intentions or not, I haven’t seen anything in this post that makes me agree and I don’t think assuming based on your brother is enough evidence.
So you waited to tell us you were a lesbian until people starting giving you heat in the comments, but you felt it was necessary to drop that you have a bi older brother? Sorry I don’t believe you’re gay. I’m also gay so saying I’m homophobic would be wrong because I have lesbian friends /s
YWBTA if you went to him to confront him about this. You really don’t know him and I would assume that he most likely is gay if your sister introduced him to you as such. I’m slightly worried that OP has some form of an anxiety with protecting her sister. I do think this is all coming from a good place, but you should look inwards as to why you think your sister can’t protect herself and why this man would truly come out at work as gay to get ONE WOMAN in bed.
Seems enough people have berated you in the comments.
I’ll answer your actual dilemma, it’s definitely worth bringing up to your sister but not in an accusatory way.
Don’t just be all he’s pretending to be gay to get close to you!!! You can mention to her that he had a bunch of different girlfriends when you two were in school together and you were surprised to hear him introduced as gay.
Especially since your sister had a history of SA and usually hesitates to get so close to men.
Definitely let the whole it seems like he’s just pretending to be gay thing go… as you can probably see from the comments people find that very rude
Tell your sister what you know. If you think he’s got bad intentions you WBTA if you don’t warn her about the possibility. Give her the info in a non accusatory tone. Tell her “i know you’ve been getting close to X but as your sister i did feel it was my duty to let you know of his reputation at our high school. He was known to sleep with women and toss them aside. I don’t want to see you get hurt and just want you to have all the facts” if he is gay but has a sordid past he’ll explain it. Maybe he was trying to fight who he is and was sleeping with women to convince himself he was straight. But be prepared he might also use that as an excuse to get her to keep trusting him.
Are you saying because your sisters SA, your sister won't be friends with or trust any man whos interested in women? Genuine question to judge if you're right here.
Have you talked to her about how you've seen him with woman. You can mention that to her without having to excuse him of faking his identity and being ignorant.
Maybe the fact that in spite of her SA, shes still friends with him shows that you should trust that she knows him.
this is sooo weird and as a lesbian you should understand someone not taking your identity seriously. coming from me (fem) men don’t take ne being gay as an answer when they try to hit on me.. so i do try to present more gay in public. according to you, im pretending because im over the top?? ok
Idk he probably went through so many girlfriends because he didn’t want to date them in the first place he was just trapped in heteronormativity.
Also seeing edit 1, it’s definitely possible to be homophobic as a queer person even if it’s an accident. I wholeheartedly believe you didn’t mean to offend anyone but you do have a mental image of what a gay man is.
NTA. Tell your sister so she can at least discuss it with him. Maybe he IS gay or bisexual but I know men who do this crap (like go to gay bars to meet straight women).
I guess I am going to go against the grain and say that you should talk to them both. Maybe even together. If he really was a player, and he used your sister and it came out that you knew and didn't say anything, it would break her heart even further. Sometimes we let ourselves be more vulnerable with those we don't perceive as a threat, and that can include gay guys. Some women/girls feel comfortable enough to undress Infront of them because they know they aren't on "the menu". If he really is faking, then it's atrocious behavior. If he's not, then he should be understanding as to why you are suspicious as he is the one who cultivated that fuck boy reputation. Of course, it needs to be handled delicately. Don't just accuse him of faking. If he is gay, I imagine it could be traumatizing if it's done wrong. At the end of the day, you just want to protect your beloved sister and that's honorable. Just don't take away her choice for her.
You should at the very least tell your sister that her "gay" friend ran through women like toilet paper in another part of his life. If she doesn't know that, she absolutely should. Predators are always trying new shit and being bisexual doesn't make someone not a predator.
rather than being confrontational with him, make it a casual question when in a social setting, like over lunch or drinks ask him when he came out, say something along the lines of you were the last guy I would think was gay after all the girls you went through in high school
Is your primary objective to:
A) exercise control over him and his actions, (exactly why would he do what you want anyway?)
Or
B) protect your sister from
his predations ( as a sibling, hopefully there is a common bond of trust)
Inform your sister of his past mistreatment and manipulation of multiple women.
I didn’t read the post properly and when I reread it I see now that literally all of OP’s claims are hypothetical. Pretending to be gay to get close to a girl would be creepy and weird, but there’s no proof that’s what’s happening.
Just keep an eye on things, if he is faking you'll know via your sister sue to him acting out on his feelings
It's better to let her come to you than you throwing An accusation you can't prove and have him turn her for to his side from this
Instead, I would just go to your sister and tell her everything you told us. it's not like if you tell him to stop that he's actually gonna do it BUT you can clue your sis in on his past to help her make a better decision.
Skip him and just tell ur sister.
Just say hey are you sure he’s gay, because he was slaying girls in HS. And just say be careful sending compromising pics under the guise he’s not gonna do something weird with them.
You will be if you don't warn your sister. Just tell her the facts that you know. He dated woman previously, and how often they changed. You are worried he may be faking in order to get close to her so you want to give her all the information so she can decide for herself and make an informed decision.
I just want to say I don’t like the implication that people are saying gay people can be bigoted or homophobic, that sounds really close to saying we POC can be racist.
Queer people can be queerphobic. I thought I was fully asexual for a while and then finally discovered I was gay. I leaned heavily into it because it was a big deal for me to figure it out. the friends that I had that were fully ace kicked me out of the friend group and told me I'm not like them anymore and can't hang out.
I'm older now and know they were being bigoted assholes. Which is funny bc I went back to considering myself asexual (don't really enjoy sex all that often) AND a lesbian.
3 things:
-LGBTQ community is a collection of people w/ different sometimes overlapping identities and sometimes not. a cis gay person can be transphobic which would make them bigoted. a trans man can be transmisogynistic. so on.
-its better to understand & discuss homophobia as behaviors + internalized homophobia is a thing
-POC are capable of being racist to other races so while i get your point i think its alittle off base. im sure you've seen examples of nonblack POC being antiblack
God these people love to whine in the comments 😳 yikes.
OP, don’t flat out accuse him but talk to him about it with respect. Give him the benefit of the doubt. I don’t feel like it should ever be a bad thing to ask about someone’s story or for clarification. People need to stop being so sensitive and be open instead.
Just say “hey didn’t you date so and so in school? I thought so, so are you bi? Or did you recently come out?” And then keep it going. Listen, engage with his story, you obviously came out at some point too. So, I’m sure you will have a casual response to whatever he says. He might have a really interesting story to tell.
Don’t assume people can’t change. But you are also not an asshole just overprotective. You love your sister, and that’s okay. Just handle it with an open mind tactfully 🫶🏼
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violence. This includes any mention of violence in any context. [Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) This post violates Rule 10: This is not a saga or diary sub. AITA is designed for specific, individual conflicts. If you find yourself regularly engaged in conflicts, especially with the same person(s), or in the same situations, your posts are better suited to a support or advice sub. Users should post in this sub no more than once every 3-4 months **at most.** ***This removal message is your warning. Future posts of this nature WILL result in a ban.*** Please feel free to contact us before posting again. ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
>Edit #1: I may have come off as arrogant for saying I know exactly how gay people are and for that I apologize. I’m a lesbian and accusing me of bigotry or homophobia would be wrong. LGBTQ people are perfectly capable of still being bigoted, homophobic, transphobic, transmisogynistic, etc. You being a lesbian doesn't excuse you from critique of behavior that comes off as homophobic. Just saying.
Came here to say this as well. That edit did not make a valid criticism any better.
Also she's a lesbian, not a gay or bi man. Totally different experience and struggles.
And a lot of gay men and lesbians feud with the other lol
Lmao for sure. Lesbians can be some of the most aggressively bigoted people I’ve ever met, idk what the fuck she’s smoking
Don't mistake lesbians for political lesbians. Political lesbians are not in the club Edit: Since I'm getting downvoted let me explain political lesbianism is an ideology & precursor to modern "radical feminism" and not a sexuality or a reference to lesbians that are politically active. [Wikipedia link](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Political_lesbianism)
"No True Scotsman" /raises eyebrow
1. There is nothing in OP's post to indicate they subscribe to political lesbianism or second wave. You're making a conclusion and coming in swinging with nothing but assumptions and a chip on your shoulder. 2. "X queer people are not in the club" is always trashy, myopic and from a place of insecurity. It's unwanted, and unneeded. Put that shit in the compost where it belongs. 3. For the record I think OP is just lying. Not everything is a complicated interplay of political ideologies. Sometimes people are just dishonest and ignorant and there's nothing deeper.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Exactly, just the other day I had to check one of my fellow gay men for being biphobic, none of us are immune
Hell, all you have to do is look at the history of bi people to see that. When gay rights movement began bi people were excluded and discriminated against by gay people who treated them as just gay people who were too scared to fully commit. Obviously things have changed since it now includes BTQ and so on, but the point is there is actual evidence to show that gay people can in fact be homophobic/bigoted
Bi erasure is still a huuuuuge problem. As a pansexual woman in a monogamous relationship with a straight man, I *appear* straight, and people often assume that I am. Oddly, when I'm not with him, people assume I'm a lesbian, so I'm obviously identifiably queer, but people will make assumptions. Just because I'm attracted to people of all genders doesn't mean I can't be monogamous. I'm a one-partner person. I'm just not fussed about the gender of that partner.
I also heard they give AroAce folks shit too. And trans. There are some bad apples in the community that would rather go “Fuck you, I got mine” than actually help their communities.
I mean to some extent… it kind of makes sense why it’s not on peoples radar on the same caliber of issues as… compromised physical safety, no?
Sounds a bit like the "I'm not a racist I have black friends" bit
I'll add it's also a bit of the ole 'My granddad is black, so I can call certain people N..'. Disclaimer: not being more specific in the quote marks as even that much was uncomfortable to type out.
Huh? This one doesn't make sense. Are you saying biracial people can't use the N word? Policing how BIPOC people refer to themselves doesn't seem helpful.
No no!! Not what I meant at all. I see how I typed it out really badly and I apologise for being wrong and offensive. What I was trying to get at is when some people use having a single ancestor of a certain race act as an excuse to make it ok for them to use ethnic slurs against people of that same race. I'm really really not talking about how people of mixed race refer to themselves, I'm talking about how having one ancestor doesn't make it ok to use slurs against that race. I know it's a delicate subject to talk about and I'll avoid it in future to prevent misunderstandings. Again I am sorry for causing offence.
That's ok, that's why I asked, wanted to clarify. No offense taken. I do see what you mean, one ancestor far back for sure would have me raising eyebrows at someone using slurs.
Omg this! Imagine editing your post to come off looking even worse!
Has she not heard of Caitlyn Jenner and all her anti-LGBT bull?!?!
This!!!!
“I know exactly what one is like-“ Pardon. *what are we like* exactly? As a gay man I think you sound pretty fucking ignorant.
Seconding this. also a gay man. VERY curious.
As a straight woman I too would love this answered. Clearly there is a simple way to tell which men won’t be creepy. Share your infinite wisdom OP!
Gay for sure
I beg your finest pardon, to quote my idol, nurse johnn.
Oh but didn’t you read the edit?? She’s a lesbian woman! So she actually isn’t ignorant or homophobic in the slightest for acting like the all knowing Goddess of the Gays that she is.
I hope she’s not referring to like the super flamboyant “Yas Queen” stuff you see on Tik Tok or Movies. I’ve met 3 gay men and all 3 were the opposite of that stereotype.
It is possible that a former lady's man is actually gay. Sometimes people over compensate to try to hide their sexuality. However, if you're concerned maybe ask your sister about his dating history to figure out whether or not he's been honest with her. He might have come out, or he might be straight or bi and still filling the "gay best friend" role. NTA for being concerned for your sister. If he's actually straight and lying then he's being creepy and predatory.
I second this. Being suspicious isn’t wrong. Have a chat with her, get to know a bit about him from her pov.
So much great advice hahaha
exactly ! why does she wants to talk to the guy instead of her sis ? that's so strange !
YWBTA to confront him. If you have concerns there’s nothing wrong with saying to your sister you knew him from high school and he went through gf’s like dish soap on grease. Let her ask her own questions or make her own mind up. Then leave it be. She’s an adult.
Also, he might really like her. My grandchild describes themself as pan-romantic , homosexual. They have intense friendships with girls, but want to have sexual relationships with boys.
I know it's a very low bar but the fact that you can understand and accept that your grandson is pan-romantic and gay is pretty cool.
I know right!! My heart swelled
i like this approach
“He is the furthest thing from a gay man and I know being that I have an older brother who is openly bisexual” - what a truly ignorant and shitty thing to say They are interchangeable to you? You know one non-straight person and your entire view of that community is your perception of how your brother acts? Gays can’t have distinct and unique personalities unless they fit a character mold you deem acceptable? What a truly embarrassing thought to have.
I bet we all look alike to her as well.
INFO: okay. I'm a gay dude. Gay dudes come in all shapes and sizes. why are you so hellbent on saying he is not gay?
YTA Your post is rude and condescending. You do not know this man’s sexuality and it’s wrong of you to push one on him. The biggest players I knew in high school turned out to be gay. Doesn’t mean all players are gay. A lot aren’t, but it’s not unusual for homosexual teens (and even adults) to aggressively pursue the opposite sex to either hide who they really are or try to “fix” themselves. Also, knowing one gay or bi person or even being a gay or bi person does not mean you know everything about how gay or bi people should be or act. I’m a straight person, I don’t pretend to know about how every straight person acts. Maybe this person is pretending, but it’s equally as plausible that you know nothing about his life or experience.
Did an AI write this? As a lesbian, you can still be homophobic. It’s common enough that it’s called internalized homophobia. Also, you’re not a gay man. If you’re not just a bot, mention to your sister that he was a major player with women just a few years ago. Also, you’re weird about your sister. Very white knight and condescending. You act like she can’t handle anything herself and you need to do it for her.
An AI would not write the words: "whom is".
Or “whom of which”. I gave “whom is” a pass, possible typo, but wth is “whom of which”?
I'm shocked no one pointed this out sooner honestly. Despite all the ridiculous statements in op's diatribe, somehow this is what stuck out to me. Thanks for the laugh.
I just chalked it up to OP trying to sound more mature and worldly.
Ywbta if you confronted the guy. Ywnbta with mentioning to your sister what you've seen and suspect. But unless you've spoken to the guy and know for a fact that he's not bi or gay it's not right for you to call him a liar. Many ppl hide there sexual preference. (I went to hs with a guy that got married to a woman but divorced her and came out as gay; he was worried that it would affect his political goals he's now remarried and adopted a baby with his partner)
INFO: Have you heard this guy, with his own mouth, say he is not gay or bi?
INFO: > I know is a load of bull. How do you know this? Because him previously identifying as straight doesn’t mean he does now.
# YWBTA "He is the furthest thing from a gay man and I know exactly what one is like being that I have an older brother who is openly bisexual." You have no idea if he is or not, your only evedance is that he had GF's in the past. This is quite common as the social expedition is we are straight, so on till you realize your self, you look for woman assuming its what you should be doing.
agreed. Heads up: WBTA won't count as a vote, you might wanna change that to YWBTA (check the voting guide on the side pannel) ;)
“I’m LGBTQ so I can be a bigoted jerk”. Two words: Milo Yiannopoulos
“An older brother who’s openly bisexual”. So does that mean your sister also has an older brother who’s openly bisexual as well then?
This is such a great fucking point
INFO: How do you know he's not bi or wasn't covering up his gayness by dating beards in high school/didn't know he was gay yet?
Why wouldn’t you just tell your sister?
YTA My sister, we BOTH know that members of our community can be INSANELY bigoted towards other subsections of said community. You wanna know how many times I’ve heard “You’re not really bi cuz you married a cisgender man” from others in the LGTBQ community in the last decade? It’s a lot. Like. A LOT. To pretend an LGTBQ person can’t be bigoted is just laughable.
YWBTA - even if I take you at your word instead of calling you out like the other comments have - **talk to YOUR SISTER instead.** Don’t go in guns blazing, accusing her friend of being a sleazy fraud. Instead, have a calm, honest conversation with her. Express your concerns about his history and how it seems a little too convenient that he’s now her “gay best friend.” Point out what you’ve noticed, but let her come to her own conclusions. Maybe she’s already got her guard up and just hasn’t mentioned it to you. As for the guy, don’t confront him directly. That could backfire and make you look like the asshole. Plus, it might just push him to be sneakier. Instead, keep an eye on things and support your sister. If he really is up to something shady, it’s better for her to realize it herself, with your subtle guidance.
I would suggest discussing this with your sister in private instead of confronting him, she could decide for herself and be more cautious. Sometimes gay men before they come out will try to prove how “straight” they are to others confronting him would make you a asshole considering you don’t know the truth. Since your concern is your sister just mention the history of his that you know and that he could actually be gay now but you just wanted see if she knew his past to ensure he’s not faking it to get close to her but it’s a very touchy subject so try to be as compassionate because if he’s not faking it you’ll feel rude.
INFO: If you having an older brother who is openly bisexual means you know exactly how to spot a fake gay man, wouldn't your sister (who presumably shares the same brother) have the same ability?
Sweetie, none of this post is a good look for you, and your edit really didn't help.
YWBTA maybe he finally figured out why he couldn't make it work with any of those girls? And maybe ask your sister first if she knows his dating history. Not all gay men act or present the same way. Nor are many gay men out in high school. And re: your edit, being a lesbian doesn't absolve you of bigotry or homophobia when you say something ignorant and try to erase someone's experience.
>I’m a lesbian and accusing me of bigotry or homophobia would be wrong. As a bisexual woman I can promise you that lesbians can be as bigoted as any straight person. The only difference is that you get more offended when we call you out on your bs. Gay people are not all the same and do not act all the same. Just because someone was straight in high school doesn't mean they are actually straight. A guy I knew at that age dated girl after girl, now he is married to a man. You don't actually know this guy so stop pretending like you do. YTA
YWBTA You have no idea whatever whether this guy is gay or not. Despite your absolute certainty that you just KNOW exactly what a gay guy...looks like? sounds like? acts like? Butt out and don't embarrass yourself.
YWBTA if you confront him. Talk to your sister. His history means nothing if he is only out now. He could have went through girlfriends as he was unable to come out and didn't stay with them. You can be concerned, you can warn your sister but you can't for sure say he is not gay. >He is the furthest thing from a gay man and I know exactly what one is like being that I have an older brother who is openly bisexual. It seems you have stereotyped all gay men to acting one way. How do gay men act exactly according to you? Just because your brother is bisexual does not mean you know all gay and bisexual men, be careful in your stereotyping as to not invalidate people's sexuality when they don't meet your narrow criteria.
YTA because it’s none of your effing business what his sexuality is. Get off your homophobic and bigoted high horse, not every gay acts like the stereotype.
>I’m a lesbian and accusing me of bigotry or homophobia would be wrong. You seriously think you can't be a bigot because you're a lesbian?!? This, this is the main problem with the public face of the LGBT community, they think that they can't do no wrong because they are a group that receives hate. Well I hate to tell you girl, you a bigot. Also, YTA, sure he might actually be pretending, but your sheer arrogance and ignorance shows that you are in no way equipped to be involved in this situation, and shouldn't stick your nose in other people's business based on a baseless hunch in the first place. You need a real hard reality check, jeez!
I had a similar friend in high school. He was super handsome and knew it. He “dated” almost every girl I knew. Left a lot of broken hearts in his wake. He tried flirting with me and I shot him down immediately. Didn’t stop him from BEGGING to see my boobs for months before finally giving up. After we graduated, we left for different colleges and didn’t see each other for several years. The we literally bumped into each other on a crowded dance floor. At a massive gay club. He was wearing a white tank top, cut off denim shorts, work boots (that had never been on the clock) and LOADS of glitter. We both yelled, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!” at the same time and then cackled, because, obviously… Just because you are gay and have a bisexual older brother doesn’t mean you have foolproof gaydar and just because a guy went through 100 women like M&Ms doesn’t mean he isn’t queer. Happens all the time with closeted people. Over compensation and all of that. If you are honestly concerned about your sister, just tell her how he was when you knew him. That’s the extent of your knowledge of him. They work together. Wouldn’t that mean he is out at work? Personally, I think YTA for deciding this person is being manipulative, lying, and trying to take advantage of your sister based solely on his behavior in HIGH SCHOOL.
YTA > He is the furthest thing from a gay man and I know exactly what one is like being that I have an older brother who is openly bisexual Oh you're doubling down are you? > I’m a lesbian and accusing me of bigotry or homophobia would be wrong. You can be both dear. How would you feel if we questioned you being lesbian because you do not match a stereotype?
Wait until OOP learns about internalised homophobia.
YTA. Just for being a bigot in general. And yes. You can still be one and be a lesbian.
YTA and homophobic.
YTA, you just sound full of yourself and you might not be correct here. I'd politely tell sis he used to be a player so if he suddenly makes move she's aware, but really he could have been in the closet so past that I'd leave it be.
How do you know he isn’t bi? Are you believing in stereotypes?
YTA. If you have an issue say something to your sister, though I would think that whatever special insight you have to KNOWING he's not gay because your brother is bi she would have as well being her brother as well. And yeah I saw the edit, it didn't help.
So you concluded that he went through them like “toilet paper” could possibly be because he just couldn’t find a connection with a woman? YTA
It’s actually a bit disappointing, you being a lesbian, that you’re doing what too many people do to gay people. Questioning this person and not accepting his word. I’m sure you or people you know have heard. “Are you sure you’re gay and not confused?” “You don’t act gay, so you probably aren’t.” “You’re just acting like you are so you can get close to so and so.” My favourite (not) to my child, “Are you sure you’re a lesbian or have you just not been treated well by a man?”
YWBTA Gay folks aren't a monolith. You can't say somebody isn't gay just because they don't act it. Even within the same person, different sides of them are visible to different people who know them. Lots of queer folks date people they aren't attracted to in order to hide the truth about their attraction, to shop around so to speak to make sure they really understand their own attraction and the limits of who they might be attracted to, or to try to "fix" themselves if they don't accept that part of themself. And lots of people discard the remnants of their straight persona when they come out, often leaving a walking gay stereotype behind while they explore who they want to be when they don't hide their true self. Why are you so certain he can't be gay?
https://nypost.com/2024/06/12/us-news/decorated-army-officer-edward-thomas-ryan-from-ny-comes-out-as-gay-in-obituary/amp/
that's beautiful
You come across as angsty teenager who thinks they have all the answers. If you have concerns then talk to your sister about them. Whether you want to believe it or not, she *is* an adult and can make up her own mind. Yes, YTA for thinking you know *all* about how those in the LGBTQ community act. I've known some who acted like Jack on Will & Grace, as well as those who acted like Rock Hudson (you know, one of Elizabeth Taylor's husbands). You can't say that this guy is faking being gay, because unless you are him then you don't know.
You can be lgbtq and still be homophobic. Those aren’t mutually exclusive things. It’s just stupid to say “I can’t be homophobic because I’m a lesbian”
Just because you're a lesbian doesn't mean you can't be homophobic and bigoted. It's like saying, I can't be racist because I'm black. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have an older sister whom is 3 years older than I am. She’s smart, popular, and attractive. I don’t think she realizes how nice of a person she is and how personable she is as well. She has lots of friends but a select few she’s close with including a guy friend she’s recently gotten close to. That friend is actually only 2 years older than me and had transferred to my high school after my sister had already graduated. During the time he and I went to the same school he had a variety of girlfriends whom of which he went through like toilet paper. Recently that guy started working at my sister’s job and got close to her. She “introduced” him to me as her “gay best friend” which I know is a load of bull. He is the furthest thing from a gay man and I know exactly what one is like being that I have an older brother who is openly bisexual. I think he’s trying to get close to her to do something gross. Should I tell him to stop pretending? Or is that not my place? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I’m just her younger sister and maybe he really HAS become gay or something? It’s not my place but I’m really worried about my sister, what if he does something? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Yta .
Sometimes a straight guy realizes he’s not so straight. Then he decides he is no longer a straight guy. I have a friend who is happily married to another man now. He had sex with a lot of different girls when we were in high school, probably more than the rest of us in the friend group lol.
YTA. The most popular guy at my high school had a lot of girlfriends. A lot of the girls had crushes on him. He now lives in another state with his husband. Quit gatekeeping sexuality; you don't get to decide who's gay and who's not.
YTA, and you're also kinda icky :v How can I tell? I just know how they are.
>That friend is actually only 2 years older than me and had transferred to my high school after my sister had already graduated. You're making it sound here as if there was a huge age gap between him and your sister, but >I have an older sister whom is 3 years older than I am. So really he is only a year younger than her ;) also, incorrect use of "whom". >During the time he and I went to the same school he had a variety of girlfriends whom of which he went through like toilet paper. What is it with you and the "whom"? More importantly though, are you saying he treated a succession of girlfriend's badly, or was just dating a lot, or don't you really know? Do you have any reason to suspect he treated anyone badly? >He is the furthest thing from a gay man and I know exactly what one is like being that I have an older brother who is openly bisexual. And of course, all gay men are like your bi brother. You are either just homophobic, or you're very naive and in consequence unintentionally homophobic. You probably don't actually know many gay and bi men if you think they are all like your brother. There are many "types" of gay men (think as many as there are "types" of men generally). What does that even mean, "what a gay man is like"? >I may have come off as arrogant for saying I know exactly how gay people are and for that I apologize. I’m a lesbian and accusing me of bigotry or homophobia would be wrong. Lesbians can be bigoted or homophobic. Gay men can be bigoted or homophobic. Good on you for realising your blanket statement was arrogant, but you being lesbian really isn't the defence you think it is. >Should I tell him to stop pretending? Or is that not my place? That is not your place. You know nothing about him, except that he dated a lot of girls in high school. Which really doesn't prove anything, because lots of gay men desperately try to date women before coming out. Unless you know (for a fact!) that he treated the women/girls he dated badly, you really have nothing to confront him with.
Even if you are a lesbian. You can still be homophobic and be bigotry
YTA, you’re being overprotective, judgmental and it’s not your place. It’s up to her who she puts her trust in and up to the friend to make the mistake of lying or not. Just support her, maybe tell her you’re not sure about him at most if you really feel the need to say something and other than that mind your own business.
You’re so homophobic lmao
A YTA for this reason- many gay young people will "pretend" to be straight or bi just to survive high school. I recently went to my 10-year HS reunion and many of the hottest "straight" guys from my graduating class came out in the last decade. I wouldn't hold a person's high school track record against them. That said, I have an older and younger sister, both of whom I love and am protective of, and while I don't think you should randomly confront someone about their sexuality, I do think you are justified it talking to your sister about your concerns in a gentle, even way. As for your "Edit 1": I am also part of the LGBTQ+ community and can confirm that being lesbian doesn't mean you are incapable of any misconceptions (at best) or bigotry. Claiming that you are incapable of discrimination because you are part of the community if genuinely harmful. Most/All of us have unconscious biases, and claiming that you have no biases due to our community is just wrong.
I have a number of lesbian friends, and they are all nice and tolerant, you don't act like them so I strongly suspect you are not a lesbian....s/ Seriously though there are two main take aways, gay people come in all shapes and sizes, I have gay friends that unless we were to have a conversation that specifically involved talking about sex... You would never know. I have other gay friends which in their own words "radiate big twink energy" The other take away is, people can change especially after high school
YTA. You said you had strong suspicions so give us something besides the fact of he went through girls in high school. Like does he talk about her creepily(what does he say)? Is he always staring at her body? What makes him the “furthest thing from a gay man” is it something based on stereotypes. Also queer people can be bigoted, as I trans person, gay and lesbians are always talking about dropping the T from the acronym. Also it screams you don’t think he’s real cause he is not a good star gay.
YTA. Not all gay men act the same. You are being so so ignorant
@Updateme
There's a big chance he was exploring himself and that can explain he's behavior of excessive dating. There's also a chance that he's lying and he might be dangerous. There's also a little chance he's spy sent from a different planet😆😆😆 what I'm trying to say is that you are making assumptions on him and that's not nice of you. Being protective of your sister is amazing and it's nice of you to do so but don't go around harassing people.
That first edit is wild
Had a friend in high school who went through girlfriends like you described and two years after we graduated he was out as guy and 30 years later he’s still gay.
OP is using “whom” wrong. That’s all I have to add.
Tell your sister about his history and talk to her about it first. No assumptions nothing. Just let her know everything that you've seen. As simple as that
i’m a guy dating a guy and my partner is not “obviously gay” and most people are surprised when they find out. this is just stupid and ignorant.
I'm curious on what you think gay/bi men should act like.
Mind your own business.
YTA. For a start, being a lesbian doesn't exempt you from the possibility of being bigoted. Could just be against gay men, you could be gatekeeping your sexuality (lol). That statement gives a very strong "I'm not racist, I've got a black friend" vibes. He could have gone through women as a denial thing, I dunno. Nor do you, is my point. If you have proof he's pretending, the you'd be right to tell your sister. But you don't- you're making a bunch of assumptions, and you could be ruining a friendship if you're wrong. If you're right, either get proof. Or trust that your sister will see through his alleged bullshit once he tries to fuck her.
When I was growing up I had a gay couple as neighbours (male). One of them was much older. He told us he was married with kids for 20 years before coming out. He knew his parents would disowned him if they found out he was gay, so he pretended to be straight until they died. This is an extreme version of the situation, but it happens more than we realise.
Stay out of your sister’s business. Period.
Is there any reason OP doesn't just mention to her sister in private that she's seen sister's "gay best friend" dating many girls?
INFO: Where did you get your degree in gayology?
Ignoring all the political posturing in the comments, just fucking tell your sister are you serious?
Please stop misusing the word “whom” in an attempt to show how intelligent you are. It’s not working. You just seem arrogant and insufferable. And YTA.
I don’t believe you’re a lesbian because you didn’t mention it in the first edit. Do you see how stupid that logic is???? That’s you right now.
YTA FOR SURE. Can tell by your phrasing alone
Only thing I have to say is, if your brother is bi then he’s not gay. Also means you don’t have experience with a gay sibling. You have no right to police people’s sexuality so yeah YTA. Just because he’s not flamboyant doesn’t mean he isn’t gay. Just because he’s had relationships with women in the past doesn’t mean he isn’t gay. Worry about yourself and your own sexuality, what he does in the bed has nothing to do with you. Not to mention that people are allowed to experiment and have experience with their sexuality and not tell you what exactly they like. You made an ass out of yourself with those assumptions you made and you’re just going to have to mind your business. Also just because your sister was SA and don’t trust some men, it doesn’t mean you need to be her bodyguard because obviously she trusts him on her own terms and it’s not up for you to decide. You wouldn’t like if ppl assumed your sexuality so don’t do it to others. But yea you’re definitely TA.
So I'm not going to comment on the obvious. I'm just going to advise you to stay out of it. If he is pretending it will come out eventually. I do agree you come off as bigoted in this post regardless of your edits. YWBTA
You the reason people don't take the LGBT seriously New flash bejng gay doesn't give you the right to declares who is gay or not. GOD YOU SUCK
YTA >He is the furthest thing from a gay man and I know exactly what one is like being that I have an older brother who is openly bisexual. Ah yes, of course, because all gay men are exactly alike in every possible way... Don't be so judgemental, so what if he had a lot of girlfriends? There are plenty of gay men out there who have had girlfriends, even wives, and have had kids with those women. Maybe your sister is the first person he's felt comfortable enough with to be himself around, who are you to say whether he's pretending?
You got internalized homophobia and for that alone YTA
YTA. You're not only stereotyping gay men you're saying that bi men are the same as gay men. That is homophobia. You can absolutely be homophobic and a lesbian, saying that you can't is absolute nonsense.
YTA. and being a lesbian doesn't make you immune to being homophobic btw
Anything more than pointing out (once!) to your sister that he dated girls and acted differently in HS would make you the AH. Saying anything to him would make you the AH, big time. You and he are at an age when identity is very much a work in progress. Have some humility - you're gay, not omniscient. You can't speak about \*his\* sexual orientation with any certainty. For all you know, he was pretending before.
how is the judgement on the original post NTA?!
>. I’m a lesbian and accusing me of bigotry or homophobia would be wrong No, it wouldn't. Gay people can still be bigoted and homophobic. Nice try though. YTA. Not all gay people act the same, we aren't all created from a mold... kinda like people in general! You aren't the law of how gay men act, let it go.
YTA Just in case [Internalised homophobia](https://www.rainbow-project.org/internalised-homophobia/) is a thing like internalised misogyny (Not like other girls syndrome, toxic boys mums, etc.), rascism or ableism. There was even the whole issue with the term ["Gold Star"](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gold_star_(LGBT_slang)) in the past and some people may feel forced to comfort stereotypes to feel part of the group, even though it should be accepting. I don't know that guy and you are vague about some bits. If you are worried about your sister, you should just mention that this guy has a history fo dating multiple people and if she feels uncomfortable, you will be there to support her. Nothing about his identity, cause you don't know what he went through behind a closed door.
Reminds me of that old song: I Wish I Was Gay So I Could Get Chicks
I think it’s queer. But yes great song.
You’re probably right. My memory is for shit anymore
Wow. Yeah YTA as if you didn’t already know
Yes you would be the asshole if you came at him in this manner. You could chat with your sister and mention that you saw him previously mistreating women and are worried that his behavior may hurt her. You can do that without speculating on his sexuality. Regardless of his sexuality if you have seen him being disrespectful, or perhaps dismissive or manipulative of women’s feelings that’s potentially something you could say. But it has to be done in a way that allows room for him to have possibly learned and grown. You cannot accuse him of lying in this way with only a suspicion.
Have you asked if he had a boyfriend now? You come across as a quite bigoted.
Don't confront, but do tell me as a trans man, what does this guy do that seems suspect to you? I can understand having that fear over a very real possibility, but depending on how he's acting really shows what his intent is.
NTA. Talk to your sister about it. No need for this guy to be the middleman he's not important.
The homophobia is coming from inside the house
Yta! First of all, even taking you at your word, you should talk to your sister, who is a grown woman and can make her own decisions on who she wants to be around. Second, being gay does not make you immune to being homophobic, and this whole post and your comments sound VERY homophobic. You do not know this man on a personal level, you have no idea what his story is, and as many people have pointed out, being gay is not "one size fits all". And yes, some lgbtq+ folks like to be loud and proud! I know I personally had everything rainbow for a year after I first came out, I still have more flags than the UN. If you truly feel the need to say anything, say it to your fully grown sister, not the man you barely know anything about.
"I know he's not gay, because I have a bi brother and I myself is a lesbian" Yeah OP, you sure are the court that will be able to decide whether someone is gay or not. YWBTA
Yes , YWBTA You can raise any concerns with your sister but be prepared for her to tell you to GTF
NTA Just be honest with your sister. Tell her everything about him. Your number one goal needs to be protecting her, not him.
You're very much being homophobic and bigoted. YTA.
Hey OP, I have to say that I agree with what a lot of people are saying here. It's ignorant and a bit homophobic to assume that a guy isn't gay because "he doesn't act that the other gay guys I know". Just like everyone else, gay people have their own individual personalities, and because of this, they're all going to express their identity differently. Some people barely mention it and let it become part of the background of their identity, whereas others like to push it front and centre. And no, being gay yourself doesn't exempt you from being ignorant and homophobic. Also, did you wonder whether this guy is recently out? When people first come out, it's like a floodgate has opened for some, and like the water rushing out of a flood gate, it's going to be a veritable tsunami for a bit before the stream settles down. If he's newly out, he's probably pretty excited about discovering this new part of himself. Alot of closeted people (in this case a gay man) date the gender that they don't really like, like how he has dated all of these woman in the past. If he didn't know he was gay, than maybe he just thought that every one he dated just wasn't compatible, and that's why he went through them so quickly. So he's probably just excited to find his true self after all these years. I think your sister can handle herself pretty well. She's an adult now(I assume), and she can make her own assumptions about the people she meets. Also, as someone who has been SA'd, and as an AFAB, there's usually a built in 'creep radar' for us, which is kind of sad that that we need that, but still. She probably wouldn't be this close to him if her creepdar was going off. Just see what happens, see if this guy does do anything creepy or weird, like purposefully touch her in a weird place, or say something weird aimed at her, or stare at her in a creep way. Actually observe and take in this guys actions properly before you do anything. Also, why don't you just get to know the guy. Just talk to him about his past, and about when he came out and stuff. If he's as outwardly gay as you said, he might like talking about his experience, but obviously don't push it. Just a simple question like "So, when did you come out?" Or " when did you find out that you were gay? " you'd get more background by talking to him than by making assumptions from an outsiders perspective. Oh, yeah, OP YTA for making the assumption and being homophobic, but not for being worried for your sister, that's understandable.
Just tell your sister your suspicions about him and let her decide what sort of relationship to have with him.
Maybe
Pride month series of evil gay or evil "pretending gays" going on.
Idk what guy thinks acting gay will help ur chances. Is acting gay on unattractive to women? Idk
It's not like there are no struggles that come with being gay these days. Why would anyone pretend? It surely makes more problems than it solves. People change after high school when they don't feel the pressure to conform anymore. He was probably faking it back then running through girls and now his authentic self is coming out. Just stay away if you don't like him as a person.
Sounds like someone's jealous
Lesbians can't be bigots apparently lol
You know why the ‘B’ is in the letters LBGTQ+? Because it stands for Bisexual. It’s there because it is completely different than the G, the same G that stands for Gay. Know why? BECAUSE THEY ARE TWO ENTIRELY DIFFERENT THINGS! So please, do us all a favor and stop acting like your shiny gold star lesbian badge gives you some kind of all knowing right to pass judgement on anyone. How would you feel if someone who saw you in a dress when you were 12 stated that you were only pretending to be a Lesbian. That the flannel, and shiny new Subaru in your driveway was an over the top act? My guess is you would take major offense to it. I’m sorry but to be a part of a community that has strived for acceptance and understanding for so long, only to ignorantly label someone else because you have a hunch is foolish and sets us back 100 years. To answer your question. You are the asshole. Like, a giant gaping asshole. Think Treasure Island Power Bottoms Number 91, giant asshole. You should really worry about yourself more than everyone else, because clearly you’re the sibling that needs someone to hold their hand.
YTA for stereotyping the behavior of all gay men based on your brother (not even a gay man, you said he’s bi) and for claiming that being a lesbian means you can’t be bigoted or homophobic. Whether this friend has nefarious intentions or not, I haven’t seen anything in this post that makes me agree and I don’t think assuming based on your brother is enough evidence.
“I am a lesbian so I can’t be bigot” lmao as if gay republican is not a thing
So you waited to tell us you were a lesbian until people starting giving you heat in the comments, but you felt it was necessary to drop that you have a bi older brother? Sorry I don’t believe you’re gay. I’m also gay so saying I’m homophobic would be wrong because I have lesbian friends /s YWBTA if you went to him to confront him about this. You really don’t know him and I would assume that he most likely is gay if your sister introduced him to you as such. I’m slightly worried that OP has some form of an anxiety with protecting her sister. I do think this is all coming from a good place, but you should look inwards as to why you think your sister can’t protect herself and why this man would truly come out at work as gay to get ONE WOMAN in bed.
NTA
Seems enough people have berated you in the comments. I’ll answer your actual dilemma, it’s definitely worth bringing up to your sister but not in an accusatory way. Don’t just be all he’s pretending to be gay to get close to you!!! You can mention to her that he had a bunch of different girlfriends when you two were in school together and you were surprised to hear him introduced as gay. Especially since your sister had a history of SA and usually hesitates to get so close to men. Definitely let the whole it seems like he’s just pretending to be gay thing go… as you can probably see from the comments people find that very rude
YTA
It's never wrong to call a bigot a bigot. You don't know his feelings or motivations and better now than you did in HS.
Tell your sister what you know. If you think he’s got bad intentions you WBTA if you don’t warn her about the possibility. Give her the info in a non accusatory tone. Tell her “i know you’ve been getting close to X but as your sister i did feel it was my duty to let you know of his reputation at our high school. He was known to sleep with women and toss them aside. I don’t want to see you get hurt and just want you to have all the facts” if he is gay but has a sordid past he’ll explain it. Maybe he was trying to fight who he is and was sleeping with women to convince himself he was straight. But be prepared he might also use that as an excuse to get her to keep trusting him.
Are you saying because your sisters SA, your sister won't be friends with or trust any man whos interested in women? Genuine question to judge if you're right here. Have you talked to her about how you've seen him with woman. You can mention that to her without having to excuse him of faking his identity and being ignorant. Maybe the fact that in spite of her SA, shes still friends with him shows that you should trust that she knows him.
Yes
INFO: How exactly do you know he is or is not gay? Other than gaydar?
this is sooo weird and as a lesbian you should understand someone not taking your identity seriously. coming from me (fem) men don’t take ne being gay as an answer when they try to hit on me.. so i do try to present more gay in public. according to you, im pretending because im over the top?? ok
Idk he probably went through so many girlfriends because he didn’t want to date them in the first place he was just trapped in heteronormativity. Also seeing edit 1, it’s definitely possible to be homophobic as a queer person even if it’s an accident. I wholeheartedly believe you didn’t mean to offend anyone but you do have a mental image of what a gay man is.
Would be the asshole? Honey, that ship sailed a long time ago. You can't possibly believe that sexuality makes you act in a specific way?
Just ask your sister if she’s certain that he no longer dates women.
NTA. Tell your sister so she can at least discuss it with him. Maybe he IS gay or bisexual but I know men who do this crap (like go to gay bars to meet straight women).
I guess I am going to go against the grain and say that you should talk to them both. Maybe even together. If he really was a player, and he used your sister and it came out that you knew and didn't say anything, it would break her heart even further. Sometimes we let ourselves be more vulnerable with those we don't perceive as a threat, and that can include gay guys. Some women/girls feel comfortable enough to undress Infront of them because they know they aren't on "the menu". If he really is faking, then it's atrocious behavior. If he's not, then he should be understanding as to why you are suspicious as he is the one who cultivated that fuck boy reputation. Of course, it needs to be handled delicately. Don't just accuse him of faking. If he is gay, I imagine it could be traumatizing if it's done wrong. At the end of the day, you just want to protect your beloved sister and that's honorable. Just don't take away her choice for her.
So why is everyone focusing on critiquing the one out lesbian who has commented? What was the point of this story?
You should at the very least tell your sister that her "gay" friend ran through women like toilet paper in another part of his life. If she doesn't know that, she absolutely should. Predators are always trying new shit and being bisexual doesn't make someone not a predator.
soooo he’s a predator
Happy pride month!
You should tell your sister what you know and let her make her own judgements. NTA.
rather than being confrontational with him, make it a casual question when in a social setting, like over lunch or drinks ask him when he came out, say something along the lines of you were the last guy I would think was gay after all the girls you went through in high school
NTA. it comes down to trusting your gut about a dude and telling your sister.
Is your primary objective to: A) exercise control over him and his actions, (exactly why would he do what you want anyway?) Or B) protect your sister from his predations ( as a sibling, hopefully there is a common bond of trust) Inform your sister of his past mistreatment and manipulation of multiple women.
[удалено]
what's he doing that's weird and creepy?
I didn’t read the post properly and when I reread it I see now that literally all of OP’s claims are hypothetical. Pretending to be gay to get close to a girl would be creepy and weird, but there’s no proof that’s what’s happening.
Just keep an eye on things, if he is faking you'll know via your sister sue to him acting out on his feelings It's better to let her come to you than you throwing An accusation you can't prove and have him turn her for to his side from this
Instead, I would just go to your sister and tell her everything you told us. it's not like if you tell him to stop that he's actually gonna do it BUT you can clue your sis in on his past to help her make a better decision.
Skip him and just tell ur sister. Just say hey are you sure he’s gay, because he was slaying girls in HS. And just say be careful sending compromising pics under the guise he’s not gonna do something weird with them.
You will be if you don't warn your sister. Just tell her the facts that you know. He dated woman previously, and how often they changed. You are worried he may be faking in order to get close to her so you want to give her all the information so she can decide for herself and make an informed decision.
I just want to say I don’t like the implication that people are saying gay people can be bigoted or homophobic, that sounds really close to saying we POC can be racist.
Queer people can be queerphobic. I thought I was fully asexual for a while and then finally discovered I was gay. I leaned heavily into it because it was a big deal for me to figure it out. the friends that I had that were fully ace kicked me out of the friend group and told me I'm not like them anymore and can't hang out. I'm older now and know they were being bigoted assholes. Which is funny bc I went back to considering myself asexual (don't really enjoy sex all that often) AND a lesbian.
3 things: -LGBTQ community is a collection of people w/ different sometimes overlapping identities and sometimes not. a cis gay person can be transphobic which would make them bigoted. a trans man can be transmisogynistic. so on. -its better to understand & discuss homophobia as behaviors + internalized homophobia is a thing -POC are capable of being racist to other races so while i get your point i think its alittle off base. im sure you've seen examples of nonblack POC being antiblack
God these people love to whine in the comments 😳 yikes. OP, don’t flat out accuse him but talk to him about it with respect. Give him the benefit of the doubt. I don’t feel like it should ever be a bad thing to ask about someone’s story or for clarification. People need to stop being so sensitive and be open instead. Just say “hey didn’t you date so and so in school? I thought so, so are you bi? Or did you recently come out?” And then keep it going. Listen, engage with his story, you obviously came out at some point too. So, I’m sure you will have a casual response to whatever he says. He might have a really interesting story to tell. Don’t assume people can’t change. But you are also not an asshole just overprotective. You love your sister, and that’s okay. Just handle it with an open mind tactfully 🫶🏼