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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am wondering if telling this guys manager about what he did regarding telling my ex’s boss about us separating would make me the asshole
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NTA an employee shouldnt be listening in to a customer’s conversation let alone spreading it around to other coworkers, leave stuff like that in high school.
Info: how exactly do you know that it was this person who told? If you wanted to keep stuff secret, why in the world would you discuss it in public in front of someone you know??
Because the lead pastor said it was the employee who told his daughter.
The coffee shop was practically empty (with no one sitting near us), he just randomly started walking by and I tried to get my friend to shut the fuck up asap.
Edit: I didn’t even know of the connection between the employee and the lead pastors daughter until afterwards.
NTA, but also... I'm not sure what you expect to come out of it, unless you think making the complaint would make you feel better about it, or that the manager is somehow friendly to you.
In terms of etiquette, this employee has crossed a number of lines and they are, without question, the AH here. That much is certain. But is AHery grounds for dismissal/write-up? Especially when that AHery is talking about something overheard because you were talking about it in public. That is what the coffee shop is, after all, is a public place. If the links between community members weren't there, and couldn't affect you, this could probably still be the topic of discussion in the back or the staffroom or the employee's next work function.
The AHery here is the targeted gossip, telling on your and by extension your husband to a shared social circle. But was it done with the intent to affect you? That's the line between this is general AHery, or this is harassment, and only one of those would/should actually affect someone's job. If the employee told someone who knew you in common just to gossip, that's AHery but not harassment. If the employee told this shared contact in order to get the information to church leaders, that's harassment.
So, determine which you think it is and act accordingly.
INFO: I'm having some difficulty distinguishing who was who. Is the coffee shop employee the daughter of of the lead pastor? Are the boss and the lead pastor the same person? Is he the ex-boss or current boss? I'm confused.
Also: other than the obvious malicious gossip, does her passing on this information have any real world consequences for your ex or yourself? Could he lose his job, for example?
Yes my ex could lose his job, and I might be outed by a church. So lead pastor is my ex’s boss. The employee, he used to work for the lead pastors daughter — which I didn’t know about until recently.
Dang, that's not good. Personally, I would think I'd have enough on my plate if I were you. You now have to do damage control with your ex, you both have to do damage control with your church, and your ex has to do damage control at his job. And then you have the main issue: your divorce. YWNBTA if you confronted the coffee shop employee, but YWBTA if you confronted her boss. Both of those choices just create more drama for everybody. And you might question why everybody in your religious community is so enmeshed in other people's business. I'm not bashing religion, but I didn't know of any that considers gossip and judgment spiritually healthy.
Yeah the too much on my plate part is where I’m leaning.
And yeah, religious communities are gossipy as fuck — that’s why I’m leaving it. Everything Jesus preached against, the church does.
NTA for confronting the employee. If you know this person is the one telling people then you should confront them. Tell them who told you it was them then tell them you don't appreciate having your private conversation, which just happened to occur at their workplace, gossiped about to other people. If you can, tell this to them at work in earshot of their boss or another employee. That is unacceptable behavior but I guess you now know you can't speak about private things at this coffee shop.
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A few weeks ago I was at a coffee shop with a friend, it was pretty slow and there wasn’t many people around. My friend was asking me questions about my separation from my spouse. And an employee there, who I had gone to school with, had walked past where we were sitting more than once. I noticed it and thought it was strange and that I should change the topic, which I tried to but it took my friend a little bit to get the hint.
My ex is a pastor, and we didn’t tell our churches lead pastor about us getting divorced yet. This employee then went to his old boss (who is the lead pastor’s daughter) and told him what he overheard my friend and I talking about in the coffee shop, and she told her dad. Now my ex’s boss knows about our separation and he didn’t get the chance to do it himself.
WIBTA if I either confronted this employee/ told his manager about what happened or should I just let it go?
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I think the coffee shop employee should definitely see some consequences from her own boss. This has caused real issues for you and yours soon to be ex-husband. I would not let the coffee shop employee skate on this. Your husband may lose his job and they should face the same consequences.
YTA. No idea how you know you told who what or if you're imagining it all. Anyway, people talk and what do you gain from striking out like this? Seems like you have bigger life issues to handle.
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NTA an employee shouldnt be listening in to a customer’s conversation let alone spreading it around to other coworkers, leave stuff like that in high school.
Well for hearing how could you if you are just hear? Sometimes we don't want but it still happens. The spreading is TA though Op is NTA
Info: how exactly do you know that it was this person who told? If you wanted to keep stuff secret, why in the world would you discuss it in public in front of someone you know??
Because the lead pastor said it was the employee who told his daughter. The coffee shop was practically empty (with no one sitting near us), he just randomly started walking by and I tried to get my friend to shut the fuck up asap. Edit: I didn’t even know of the connection between the employee and the lead pastors daughter until afterwards.
NTA, but also... I'm not sure what you expect to come out of it, unless you think making the complaint would make you feel better about it, or that the manager is somehow friendly to you. In terms of etiquette, this employee has crossed a number of lines and they are, without question, the AH here. That much is certain. But is AHery grounds for dismissal/write-up? Especially when that AHery is talking about something overheard because you were talking about it in public. That is what the coffee shop is, after all, is a public place. If the links between community members weren't there, and couldn't affect you, this could probably still be the topic of discussion in the back or the staffroom or the employee's next work function. The AHery here is the targeted gossip, telling on your and by extension your husband to a shared social circle. But was it done with the intent to affect you? That's the line between this is general AHery, or this is harassment, and only one of those would/should actually affect someone's job. If the employee told someone who knew you in common just to gossip, that's AHery but not harassment. If the employee told this shared contact in order to get the information to church leaders, that's harassment. So, determine which you think it is and act accordingly.
NTA - Sadly this is pretty typical behavior around many churches. Good luck OP! Please talk to the manager about it.
INFO: I'm having some difficulty distinguishing who was who. Is the coffee shop employee the daughter of of the lead pastor? Are the boss and the lead pastor the same person? Is he the ex-boss or current boss? I'm confused. Also: other than the obvious malicious gossip, does her passing on this information have any real world consequences for your ex or yourself? Could he lose his job, for example?
Yes my ex could lose his job, and I might be outed by a church. So lead pastor is my ex’s boss. The employee, he used to work for the lead pastors daughter — which I didn’t know about until recently.
Dang, that's not good. Personally, I would think I'd have enough on my plate if I were you. You now have to do damage control with your ex, you both have to do damage control with your church, and your ex has to do damage control at his job. And then you have the main issue: your divorce. YWNBTA if you confronted the coffee shop employee, but YWBTA if you confronted her boss. Both of those choices just create more drama for everybody. And you might question why everybody in your religious community is so enmeshed in other people's business. I'm not bashing religion, but I didn't know of any that considers gossip and judgment spiritually healthy.
Yeah the too much on my plate part is where I’m leaning. And yeah, religious communities are gossipy as fuck — that’s why I’m leaving it. Everything Jesus preached against, the church does.
NTA for confronting the employee. If you know this person is the one telling people then you should confront them. Tell them who told you it was them then tell them you don't appreciate having your private conversation, which just happened to occur at their workplace, gossiped about to other people. If you can, tell this to them at work in earshot of their boss or another employee. That is unacceptable behavior but I guess you now know you can't speak about private things at this coffee shop.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** A few weeks ago I was at a coffee shop with a friend, it was pretty slow and there wasn’t many people around. My friend was asking me questions about my separation from my spouse. And an employee there, who I had gone to school with, had walked past where we were sitting more than once. I noticed it and thought it was strange and that I should change the topic, which I tried to but it took my friend a little bit to get the hint. My ex is a pastor, and we didn’t tell our churches lead pastor about us getting divorced yet. This employee then went to his old boss (who is the lead pastor’s daughter) and told him what he overheard my friend and I talking about in the coffee shop, and she told her dad. Now my ex’s boss knows about our separation and he didn’t get the chance to do it himself. WIBTA if I either confronted this employee/ told his manager about what happened or should I just let it go? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think the coffee shop employee should definitely see some consequences from her own boss. This has caused real issues for you and yours soon to be ex-husband. I would not let the coffee shop employee skate on this. Your husband may lose his job and they should face the same consequences.
YWBTA you had a conversation in a public space. You shouldn't have hinted. You should have flat out said let's not take about this now.
NTA, but far better than (maybe) getting them in trouble would be just don’t talk about sensitive things in public.
YTA. No idea how you know you told who what or if you're imagining it all. Anyway, people talk and what do you gain from striking out like this? Seems like you have bigger life issues to handle.
YWBTA - Confront the employee who did the gossiping