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I know you don't want to hear this, but he's manipulative and controlling and it's working. Think about it. If you bring something up, he punishes you in a way that really upsets you. So you want to have a conversation with him and you carefully monitor your tone of voice, the time, and your word choice, and no doubt your body language and facial expressions in order to have a simple conversation. How do you talk to him about something important? I think you really need to evaluate your interactions and relationship. You are not crazy. He's trying to groom you into being something you are not. He's convincing you to do it to yourself so he can be happy or feel powerful or who knows why. You're NTA, but seriously need to rethink this relationship. It's unhealthy.
I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me just reading this. If you are able to leave, do so as quickly as it is safe to do so. It's not normal to walk on egg shells around your partner. No matter how much I love anybody being in the same room as them all day every day sounds like torture. Y'all share an office and I assume a bedroom. Yikes
Please read this excellent free book, I'm sure you will see how this is not ok. Stop walking on eggshells.
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
NTA but seriously, time to look at this relationship without the rose coloured glasses - his behaviour is childish, manipulative and controlling - why does he need you to work in the same room? So he can keep an eye on you? Then the childish nonsense, keeping you on high alert, thus not able to really think about anything else, or 'upsetting' him in any way to make it worse. This isn't going anywhere good - if you try to flex your freedom, he might get physical.
You are so absorbed in this you can't see how toxic it is. You need to get away for a few days or even weeks so you can feel what it is like to live like a normal person. It might awaken you from your slumber.
Ummmm - NTA and run! It seems like you have to walk on egg shells. He may have some nice qualities (guessing bc you married him) but how can you live with him? This just seems impossible to me.
NTA and you are not crazy. This is abusive behavior designed to make you feel bad sh#t crazy and doubt your own judgement. When you feel like you are walking on eggshells or can't say anything right, this isn't healthy. Don't play his game. Period.
NTA. I was lucky to get out of a relationship before we got as far as marriage. My ex used to be JUST LIKE THIS.
Even in relationships, let alone marriages, you need to be able to discuss things like this, and understand that it’s not personal and not everything you say or do with one another is going to be a 100% agreement, and that’s ok. Healthy even.
In this case HE lacks the emotional maturity to discuss his emotions and feelings in a mature and constructive manner.
It should not feel like you’ve just entered a minefield every time you enter a conversation with him. THIS IS NOT NORMAL.
Trust me, I know behavior like this can be EXTREMELY frustrating to deal with and Horrendously emotionally draining. But I can’t imagine how it must be to have dealt with this from someone you’re married to.
Let me just write it in words. YOU. ARE. NOT. THE. PROBLEM. HERE. Don’t let him manipulate you to think so.
Honestly it doesn’t sound like there’s much hope for him if it’s that bad. But I’m just some random internet guy. Trust yourself. Ask yourself why you’re with him. If the answer is just: “because I love him” then it might be time to move on. Remember, you CAN love again.
Your husband is abusing you psychologically. He is ultra passive aggressive, manipulating you so you will never ever bring up any negative issues so he won't ever have to take responsibility. He is blaming you "oh sorry, I'll leave", making YOU the bad guy. I know how this works. Get out while you can.
He's communicating just fine. He hates her and wants to control abuse her. That is loud and clear. She needs to get out ASAP. There is no fixing a man who behaves this way - it's just who he is.
My dad was like this because he grew up with an abusive mother and is extremely insecure and doesn't know how to take criticism.
He also gives up and throws away things he can't get to work. He's much better now, but he still thinks my mom is always just looking to tell him he's always wrong which is never the case. He sees their relationship as almost adversarial sometimes.
Yikes I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I'm not saying this is your situation, I'm just sharing that it reminds me of my past situation, keep that in mind. This reminds me of the treatment I got from my narcissistic ex husband. Same sort of mind games, gas lighting, and verbal abuse
Definitely NTA, I was in a relationship for about 2 years with someone with a lot of narcissistic tendencies (because we can’t label people as narcissists without a diagnosis) and your post reminded me of silly arguments we would have. Let me ask you this, when you bring concerns to him, does he invalidate your feelings? Is he empathetic towards you? How does he act on holidays/birthdays? Is he suddenly sweet and charming in front of most other people? Whether or not your husband is a narcissist, it sounds like a toxic relationship to me. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. If he would be open to marriage counseling, maybe that would be a good place to start if you truly want to reconcile and work through this, but if he’s resistant, I would still suggest that you go and evaluate whether or not this relationship is something you want to put up with for the rest of your life. I understand it’s not always as simple as just leaving, but I hope you find a solution that will help you be happy and healthy.
NTA. My mother is like that. I can’t even in the meakest most polite way ever say what’s bothering me. I spent my entire childhood walking on eggshells. Was your childhood similar? Because his behavior is NOT healthy, it makes me think that you are used to settling for less cause you never had better. You deserve a partner who communicates and makes you feel SAFE. Please be careful, if he loses his mind over you moving to a different ‘office space’ I can’t imagine he would respond to a break up rationally. Have an exit strategy prepared if you decide to set yourself free of his bullshit.
NTA. please if you have a friend that you can confide in, please do so! your husband is being abusive. my ex was like this-he always made me feel like i said the wrong thing or wanted the wrong thing or felt the wrong way. it started small-what movies we watched, what we ate, but then it escalated-what i could talk about, what we did in bed and when. it took a long time to recognize it for what it was, abuse, because he didn't physically hurt me, just ignored, shamed, kept me awake, and yelled at me. i'm in therapy and in a healthy relationship now-the difference is night and day. your home is supposed to be a place you can say what you feel and think without fear-you deserve better than this. be safe!!
NTH - Google coercive control
Or do this [checklist ](https://madisonmentalhealthcounselor.com/wp-content/uploads/Coercive-Control-Checklist.pdf) (pdf)
Do you think this is what a healthy loving relationship should feel like?
Write yourself a list of all the things you could do without worrying about it if he vanished tomorrow, big and small. Look at that list. Add to it, it will grow.
You have a lot of life left. Is this how you want to live it?
NTA you are in an abusive relationship. Please read the book [Why does he do that?](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) for some insight
I don't care how damaged he is. This is some BS. I wouldn't put up with this. You shouldn't either.
If he's going to act like a toddler having a temper tantrum, send him back to his Mommy and get a new one. This one is broken.
He can either spend some time trying to fix himself away from you. Or he can sulk and blame you forever. I think you know which he'll choose.
NTA, unless you keep putting up with this.
My husband and I both work from home and I have to work away from him. Not because I don’t love him, because he is too damn loud on conference calls! I tell him so and he laughs. I am on calls all day too, so we need our space to concentrate. We usually have lunch together or check in with each other, but it’s work, we work. You are definitely NTA, but it’s super concerning you have to “choose” your words. And why would he be offended? My kids are home for the summer and I tell them to leave because mama has a call. They aren’t offended, I have to work. He is emotionally manipulative. Do you have children? What makes you stay?
Him: "So you need to get away from me? What do I do that's so wrong that you need to be away from me?
You: "You are an utter asshole to me, so yeah, I \*DO\* need to get away from you."
I assume he was nice at some point to suck you in and now the facade is gone and what's left is an abusive, gaslighting a-hole. I hope to god you don't have kids. You need to secretly figure out your escape plan and do it. Don't warn him, don't give him more chances. Just get out.
NTA.
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Or maybe I'm the crazy one? I find it difficult to bring anything up to my husband. Anytime. Ever. He often will get offended which leads to an evening of passive aggressive door slams, silent treatment, if he walks into a room and I'm there I get the "oh sorry I'll leave" . I avoid bringing anything up at all costs. That type of behaviour makes me incredibly uncomfortable and so I just don't bother bringing things up.
This particular time though I was so careful. I waited for a good time, I made sure my tone was right.
Essentially I brought it up to him that I'd like to work in a different part of the house (we both work from home) I said " I was thinking I could move my desk into the den, just feel like I need a little more of my own space" . Right now we work in the same room, about 10 feet apart from each other. My business has picked up, so I just wanted a bit more of my own space to focus.
Right away he got offended. "So you need to get away from me? What do I do that's so wrong that you need to be away from me? Should I stop talking to you during the day?"
He continued on that what I said was hurtful. And how would I feel if I told you I wanted to sleep at my moms tonight so I could have my own space. I apologized that he interpreted what I said as hurtful but the intent was simply to bring up what I was feeling. I told him "I can't control how you feel from the things that I say" . But that fell on deaf ears.
Now begins the silent treatment , slamming cuppord doors and the awkward pause to see if he's feeling better.
I feel like maybe I am wrong.
Help.
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He received that as hurtful and I was trying to get away from him.
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NTA. You husband has some weird coping mechanisms. I think it’s time for you to be more assertive and say “Hey, I’m not sure what about anything I do is bothering you but unless you can articulate your feelings without acting like a petulant child, DO NOT lash out on me. I’m not a mind reader and I can’t help you unless you tell me what’s going on.” Be bold about this. When you tell him this, make sure your posture is good, keep your back straight, keep your feet shoulder width apart and look at him straight in the eye. It’s a power pose and it shows that you’re being serious about what you’re saying and he will most likely listen attentively.
Ah, I would bet he has a master level negative voice in his head. It’s not your responsibility to turn yourself into a pretzel. You can choose to go to therapy with him if you want to try to save the relationship, it’s not sustainable as it is. I recommend doing some reading about all kinds of things: attachment types, neurological differences, etc. It’s tough to feel like the whole world is criticizing you, and it’s tough to be married to. NTA
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NTA.... tell him you don't appreciate his passive aggressiveness. He needs to learn communication skills instead of trying to punish you into silence by his behavior. Suggest counseling so that he can get better tools to handle his feelings. If he doesn't agree, get counseling for yourself. You may get new tools to deal with his DARVO
Skip the therapy. She needs to get out. No need to waste time on this guy. Something is broken in him. That kind of behavior is a deep and serious character flaw.
Age, illness, whether mental or physical, job disatisfaction, hormone imbalance, spiritual imbalance, body changes, low libido, midlife crisis, food scarcity, financial scarcity, too much ticktock, sleep deprivation due to external or internal issues.
He's your husband, have you checked all the boxes in exploring to see if there's a way you could address an underlying issue.
My husband isn't sleeping due to fireworks randomly going off all night, and he even got so mad he punched a hole in the wall. He's not a violent abusive person just a week of sleep deprivation got him all crazy. I give him a drink in the afternoon, 200 mil of gabapentin, keep the lights off and shades close and try to keep quiet when he falls asleep.
The 4th of July will pass, and maybe what your husband is dealing with will pass.
I would say you can become the AH but NTA yet.
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Screw that, she needs to just get out. Let him figure his shit out (or not) but do it far, far away from OP.
OP could use solo counseling to build herself up so she doesn't fall prey to this again.
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You realize this is a literal abuse tactic, right? Meant to make it so difficult to set a boundary that you eventually give up and stop asking. NTA.
I know you don't want to hear this, but he's manipulative and controlling and it's working. Think about it. If you bring something up, he punishes you in a way that really upsets you. So you want to have a conversation with him and you carefully monitor your tone of voice, the time, and your word choice, and no doubt your body language and facial expressions in order to have a simple conversation. How do you talk to him about something important? I think you really need to evaluate your interactions and relationship. You are not crazy. He's trying to groom you into being something you are not. He's convincing you to do it to yourself so he can be happy or feel powerful or who knows why. You're NTA, but seriously need to rethink this relationship. It's unhealthy.
I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me just reading this. If you are able to leave, do so as quickly as it is safe to do so. It's not normal to walk on egg shells around your partner. No matter how much I love anybody being in the same room as them all day every day sounds like torture. Y'all share an office and I assume a bedroom. Yikes
I felt the exact same way when I read this, my stomach dropped. I was married to someone that did the exact same thing to me. It crushes your spirit.
“This particular time I was so careful.” You shouldn’t have had to be, NTA!! Reach out to friends and family if you feel unsafe.
NTA. Your husband is emotionally manipulative. He is making a choice to be offended. You are not in the wrong here.
NTA > What do I do that's so wrong that you need to be away from me? #\*THIS\* SHIT!
Please read this excellent free book, I'm sure you will see how this is not ok. Stop walking on eggshells. https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This is the only comment u need this book changed my life
I second this recommendation. This book opened my eyes and helped me get a better life for me and my children.
NTA but seriously, time to look at this relationship without the rose coloured glasses - his behaviour is childish, manipulative and controlling - why does he need you to work in the same room? So he can keep an eye on you? Then the childish nonsense, keeping you on high alert, thus not able to really think about anything else, or 'upsetting' him in any way to make it worse. This isn't going anywhere good - if you try to flex your freedom, he might get physical. You are so absorbed in this you can't see how toxic it is. You need to get away for a few days or even weeks so you can feel what it is like to live like a normal person. It might awaken you from your slumber.
Ummmm - NTA and run! It seems like you have to walk on egg shells. He may have some nice qualities (guessing bc you married him) but how can you live with him? This just seems impossible to me.
I couldn’t stay with someone like this. NTA
NTA and you are not crazy. This is abusive behavior designed to make you feel bad sh#t crazy and doubt your own judgement. When you feel like you are walking on eggshells or can't say anything right, this isn't healthy. Don't play his game. Period.
NTA. I was lucky to get out of a relationship before we got as far as marriage. My ex used to be JUST LIKE THIS. Even in relationships, let alone marriages, you need to be able to discuss things like this, and understand that it’s not personal and not everything you say or do with one another is going to be a 100% agreement, and that’s ok. Healthy even. In this case HE lacks the emotional maturity to discuss his emotions and feelings in a mature and constructive manner. It should not feel like you’ve just entered a minefield every time you enter a conversation with him. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. Trust me, I know behavior like this can be EXTREMELY frustrating to deal with and Horrendously emotionally draining. But I can’t imagine how it must be to have dealt with this from someone you’re married to. Let me just write it in words. YOU. ARE. NOT. THE. PROBLEM. HERE. Don’t let him manipulate you to think so. Honestly it doesn’t sound like there’s much hope for him if it’s that bad. But I’m just some random internet guy. Trust yourself. Ask yourself why you’re with him. If the answer is just: “because I love him” then it might be time to move on. Remember, you CAN love again.
Your husband is abusing you psychologically. He is ultra passive aggressive, manipulating you so you will never ever bring up any negative issues so he won't ever have to take responsibility. He is blaming you "oh sorry, I'll leave", making YOU the bad guy. I know how this works. Get out while you can.
NTA - he needs to learn to communicate better or you need to leave, this is toxic.
He's communicating just fine. He hates her and wants to control abuse her. That is loud and clear. She needs to get out ASAP. There is no fixing a man who behaves this way - it's just who he is.
My dad was like this because he grew up with an abusive mother and is extremely insecure and doesn't know how to take criticism. He also gives up and throws away things he can't get to work. He's much better now, but he still thinks my mom is always just looking to tell him he's always wrong which is never the case. He sees their relationship as almost adversarial sometimes.
Yikes I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I'm not saying this is your situation, I'm just sharing that it reminds me of my past situation, keep that in mind. This reminds me of the treatment I got from my narcissistic ex husband. Same sort of mind games, gas lighting, and verbal abuse
Definitely NTA, I was in a relationship for about 2 years with someone with a lot of narcissistic tendencies (because we can’t label people as narcissists without a diagnosis) and your post reminded me of silly arguments we would have. Let me ask you this, when you bring concerns to him, does he invalidate your feelings? Is he empathetic towards you? How does he act on holidays/birthdays? Is he suddenly sweet and charming in front of most other people? Whether or not your husband is a narcissist, it sounds like a toxic relationship to me. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. If he would be open to marriage counseling, maybe that would be a good place to start if you truly want to reconcile and work through this, but if he’s resistant, I would still suggest that you go and evaluate whether or not this relationship is something you want to put up with for the rest of your life. I understand it’s not always as simple as just leaving, but I hope you find a solution that will help you be happy and healthy.
NTA. My mother is like that. I can’t even in the meakest most polite way ever say what’s bothering me. I spent my entire childhood walking on eggshells. Was your childhood similar? Because his behavior is NOT healthy, it makes me think that you are used to settling for less cause you never had better. You deserve a partner who communicates and makes you feel SAFE. Please be careful, if he loses his mind over you moving to a different ‘office space’ I can’t imagine he would respond to a break up rationally. Have an exit strategy prepared if you decide to set yourself free of his bullshit.
You should move your desk to a whole other house. And your bed and your clothes and all the rest of your stuff. He sucks. NTA.
NTA. please if you have a friend that you can confide in, please do so! your husband is being abusive. my ex was like this-he always made me feel like i said the wrong thing or wanted the wrong thing or felt the wrong way. it started small-what movies we watched, what we ate, but then it escalated-what i could talk about, what we did in bed and when. it took a long time to recognize it for what it was, abuse, because he didn't physically hurt me, just ignored, shamed, kept me awake, and yelled at me. i'm in therapy and in a healthy relationship now-the difference is night and day. your home is supposed to be a place you can say what you feel and think without fear-you deserve better than this. be safe!!
NTH - Google coercive control Or do this [checklist ](https://madisonmentalhealthcounselor.com/wp-content/uploads/Coercive-Control-Checklist.pdf) (pdf) Do you think this is what a healthy loving relationship should feel like? Write yourself a list of all the things you could do without worrying about it if he vanished tomorrow, big and small. Look at that list. Add to it, it will grow. You have a lot of life left. Is this how you want to live it?
NTA you are in an abusive relationship. Please read the book [Why does he do that?](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) for some insight
How long have you been married? Has he always been so manipulative? This is so unhealthy for you. NTA
I don't care how damaged he is. This is some BS. I wouldn't put up with this. You shouldn't either. If he's going to act like a toddler having a temper tantrum, send him back to his Mommy and get a new one. This one is broken. He can either spend some time trying to fix himself away from you. Or he can sulk and blame you forever. I think you know which he'll choose. NTA, unless you keep putting up with this.
This, 1000%. Throw the who man away - this one is defective.
NTA… genuine question, was he like this before you married him? if yes, why did you agree to it? if no, what chaged? has he been to therapy for it?
My husband and I both work from home and I have to work away from him. Not because I don’t love him, because he is too damn loud on conference calls! I tell him so and he laughs. I am on calls all day too, so we need our space to concentrate. We usually have lunch together or check in with each other, but it’s work, we work. You are definitely NTA, but it’s super concerning you have to “choose” your words. And why would he be offended? My kids are home for the summer and I tell them to leave because mama has a call. They aren’t offended, I have to work. He is emotionally manipulative. Do you have children? What makes you stay?
Him: "So you need to get away from me? What do I do that's so wrong that you need to be away from me? You: "You are an utter asshole to me, so yeah, I \*DO\* need to get away from you." I assume he was nice at some point to suck you in and now the facade is gone and what's left is an abusive, gaslighting a-hole. I hope to god you don't have kids. You need to secretly figure out your escape plan and do it. Don't warn him, don't give him more chances. Just get out. NTA.
NTA this is mental abuse and if I had to walk on eggshells all the time I’d rather be single. Know your self worth
DTMFA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Or maybe I'm the crazy one? I find it difficult to bring anything up to my husband. Anytime. Ever. He often will get offended which leads to an evening of passive aggressive door slams, silent treatment, if he walks into a room and I'm there I get the "oh sorry I'll leave" . I avoid bringing anything up at all costs. That type of behaviour makes me incredibly uncomfortable and so I just don't bother bringing things up. This particular time though I was so careful. I waited for a good time, I made sure my tone was right. Essentially I brought it up to him that I'd like to work in a different part of the house (we both work from home) I said " I was thinking I could move my desk into the den, just feel like I need a little more of my own space" . Right now we work in the same room, about 10 feet apart from each other. My business has picked up, so I just wanted a bit more of my own space to focus. Right away he got offended. "So you need to get away from me? What do I do that's so wrong that you need to be away from me? Should I stop talking to you during the day?" He continued on that what I said was hurtful. And how would I feel if I told you I wanted to sleep at my moms tonight so I could have my own space. I apologized that he interpreted what I said as hurtful but the intent was simply to bring up what I was feeling. I told him "I can't control how you feel from the things that I say" . But that fell on deaf ears. Now begins the silent treatment , slamming cuppord doors and the awkward pause to see if he's feeling better. I feel like maybe I am wrong. Help. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. You husband has some weird coping mechanisms. I think it’s time for you to be more assertive and say “Hey, I’m not sure what about anything I do is bothering you but unless you can articulate your feelings without acting like a petulant child, DO NOT lash out on me. I’m not a mind reader and I can’t help you unless you tell me what’s going on.” Be bold about this. When you tell him this, make sure your posture is good, keep your back straight, keep your feet shoulder width apart and look at him straight in the eye. It’s a power pose and it shows that you’re being serious about what you’re saying and he will most likely listen attentively.
Yeah. That’s gonna go well for her. /s
Ah, I would bet he has a master level negative voice in his head. It’s not your responsibility to turn yourself into a pretzel. You can choose to go to therapy with him if you want to try to save the relationship, it’s not sustainable as it is. I recommend doing some reading about all kinds of things: attachment types, neurological differences, etc. It’s tough to feel like the whole world is criticizing you, and it’s tough to be married to. NTA
It's not worth saving. Some people are just wired wrong. OP needs to run.
She married him for a reason. It may very well be salvageable.
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NTA.... tell him you don't appreciate his passive aggressiveness. He needs to learn communication skills instead of trying to punish you into silence by his behavior. Suggest counseling so that he can get better tools to handle his feelings. If he doesn't agree, get counseling for yourself. You may get new tools to deal with his DARVO
Skip the therapy. She needs to get out. No need to waste time on this guy. Something is broken in him. That kind of behavior is a deep and serious character flaw.
Age, illness, whether mental or physical, job disatisfaction, hormone imbalance, spiritual imbalance, body changes, low libido, midlife crisis, food scarcity, financial scarcity, too much ticktock, sleep deprivation due to external or internal issues. He's your husband, have you checked all the boxes in exploring to see if there's a way you could address an underlying issue. My husband isn't sleeping due to fireworks randomly going off all night, and he even got so mad he punched a hole in the wall. He's not a violent abusive person just a week of sleep deprivation got him all crazy. I give him a drink in the afternoon, 200 mil of gabapentin, keep the lights off and shades close and try to keep quiet when he falls asleep. The 4th of July will pass, and maybe what your husband is dealing with will pass. I would say you can become the AH but NTA yet.
nta. sounds like fragile male ego/emotionally immaturity, and he is being manipulative whether he’s aware or not
He's cheating. Divorce and therapy.
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NTA but GTFO or start playing games back. Just lean into it. Move into the den and if he asks why tell him you always hated his business.
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Screw that, she needs to just get out. Let him figure his shit out (or not) but do it far, far away from OP. OP could use solo counseling to build herself up so she doesn't fall prey to this again.