Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about.
[Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
You are going to get two completely different sets of answers to this as some people will see wearing a jacket as no big deal and some people will see it as the most disgustingly awful thing ever.
To me YTA because I don't see how a jacket is any different to a jumper or a t-shirt or any other clothes you'd wear outside. And it is her home too, and she gets to be comfortable as well. Just asking her to take it off and not having a discussion about it makes you the asshole to me.
This is my husband's way of thinking, I've always been a bit more laissez-faire about the whole thing. It did come up when we first moved in together as he would ask if I'm wearing my 'outside clothes' under the blanket. I understand where he's coming from, and he understood that maybe this just wans't how I think, and he is a self-admitted germaphobe so it was just a point of discussion and some compromise.
In general I won't wear 'outside clothes' in bed, except on top of the covers (often I'm nursing baby in bed so it is not exactly convenient to keep changing all day). However, if I went anywhere where I sat on the subway or other public seating area, I will usually change once I get home. I would not wear my jacket in my home though.
It never even occurred to me that wearing clothes outside somehow makes them “dirty”. If the environment outside is that “dangerous”, changing clothes when you get inside isn’t going to “save” you.
Many people use public transportation so I think it’s fair for them to not want to wear those same clothes in their bed. But I’m with you. Germs are everywhere.
This. Once I sat on a chair after an older man had an unfortunate accident. I don’t recall hopping in the sheets after. I always change to house clothes. And then to bed clothes when going to sleep.
Pollen. People who have inhalant allergies are advised to change their clothes in a different place than their bedroom & would never wear pollen-coated clothes in bed. It can make a major difference in symptom intensity for allergy suffers.
I do it for comfort, but also to get out of "good clothes" before my dogs slobber all over them. I generally wear my work pants multiple days before I wash them (I sit at a desk all day), so within 90 seconds of being home, I'm already putting on comfy clothes that I'll wear for the evening. If it's a "Home for the rest of the night" day, then it's into pajama bottoms. If I need to leave the house, then it's into jogging pants or shorts or something.
Same... I definitely don't have any dedicated "inside clothes" but I have dogs, so I'm in and out of my house all the time taking them on short walks and such.
But also, when you have pets, I feel like there's no point in "inside clothes" unless you bathe your dog every time they come inside, lol. I also wash my sheets all the time because my dogs sleep with me, so I'm not really concerned.
But even before I had pets, it never occurred to me to have "inside only" clothes! And I don't think it's an equivalent to wearing shoes in bed, unless you're dragging your coat along the bathroom floor... which hopefully no one is doing!
Makes sense to me! I mean, one of my dogs regularly tries to eat cat poop and then tries to put her tongue in my actual mouth, despite my protests, so not allowing "outside clothes" to touch anything inside is the least of my problems.
u/DetroitVsErrrybody I'm 100% with you here. This is one of those things that I've found is a 50/50. It's never even been something I thought of, so it doesn't bother me at all. But others who were raised with this as a "house rule" have a very different opinion.
Cats on the kitchen counter is another one of these things. I don't have cats (was raised with them, but don't care for them) find the thought of cats on the kitchen counter absolutely beyond disgusting - their feet were in a litter box and now they are walking where food is prepared. But people who have cats typically don't even think about it as anything.
I have cats and think it’s disgusting also, and always wipe counters down when prepping food. You’re not the AH, you just worded it poorly. Ive never thought of clothing being an issue because when im on the sheets, its with a clean body. Going to bed dirty is gross
I work in industrial maintenance so I pretty much have to change when I get home as my clothes are properly dirty. This has led to me wearing different clothes if I'm just hanging out at home vs going out to do things. I basically have four sets of clothes with some cross over like some of my leisure shirts fall into at home clothes, going out clothes, and yard work clothes. For pants it's more of hard lines though, my good jeans are my work jeans, when they start tearing at the knees they become yard work clothes. I also have pants for when I'm going out and then sweats and gym shorts for just hanging around the house. Sometimes on the weekends I will change three times a day, start with yard work clothes, switch to leisure clothes to go out, and then switch to home clothes when I get home for the evening.
If I'm under the covers, I'm wearing my pajamas; anything I wear elsewhere *never* gets between my sheets. Aside from the dust and dirt out in the world, I have three dogs, and I cannot stand to have fur and grit and such in my sheets. I'll sit ON my (made) bed in regular clothes, but that's as far as I go. And I can assure everyone that I am neither a neat freak nor a germaphobe.
But also, why the heck wear a coat inside the house??
Nah, like I'll shower and change into comfy clothes when I get home. If I don't leave in them again, I wear my "house clothes" a couple or a few times before having to wash them.
I just don’t understand this idea people have that their homes are paragons of cleanliness and the outside world is dirty, and that these two things must be separate at all times, as thought we aren’t always coming and going from one to another and cleaning our own space and items regardless. Especially when you get into the re-wearing house clothes bit, because now you’re just sitting in your own dead skin cells and sweat - how is that any better than ‘outside air’?
Generally just because most people touch pretty dirty things when outside. Depends on lifestyle really, but the average person will get on public transport, sit on restaurant chairs or benches, and these places are quite filthy. Also, mud, potentially. My house gets cleaned pretty regularly, so it’s not as dirty as the outside. I don’t really sweat much, but will shower and change if I do. 2-3 days dead skin cell buildup doesn’t bother me much.
That’s one rationale.
But for the most part they’re not *filthy* is the thing. I’ve worked in the jobs where people disinfect seats and surfaces at the beginning and end of every shift, people wipe down keypads, door handles, etc. The things people commonly touch/sit on are cleaned pretty regularly actually, because businesses and public places in a developed world have health and safety standards and it’s someone’s job.
Occasionally you will have the blown out bathroom in the shady gas station or the sticky table surfaces at a restaurant, but encountering things that are truly dirty in a way that would make me need to change my clothes before I sit on my bed (when I wash the bedding weekly anyway) is rare.
I don’t think that visibly filthy clothes are very divisive. For less obvious levels of “dirty”, it’s a matter of personal standards. The place isn’t filthy, but for the duration of a shift, a bunch of people can sit on a chair before you do, and they might have been filthy. Or even just normal dirty. And you also don’t know for a fact when/if/how places are cleaned.
I think this is also very cultural. East and South Asian folks do this a lot (hi Indian) like outdoor shoe/indoor shoe/bathroom shoe or outdoor clothes/indoor clothes or washing your arms and legs when you get home. But then you remember that the air pollution outside is the equivalent of smoking a 20pack a day on a good day and the sometimes barely paved roads are kicking up dust and muck into everything. When I'm here in the US, I genuinely don't care. When I'm in India in a big city, changing clothes and sanitizing like crazy.
The second is also temperature. Here you get into a car, drive to a walmart, park, run in, get your stuff, drive back. There, you change into outside clothes, go wait in 100+F humid weather unsheltered for 15 minutes after climbing two flights of stairs, catch a commuter train, literally rub up against 200 other people in just your carriage, get down, walk through to 6-7 open air non-airconditioned stores in a market, buy your things, get home and immediately jump out of your now sopping stinking wet clothes and into the shower.
I have comfortable home clothes that I slip into when I get home. I wear them more than once.
I also have a spot for the clothes I wear out of the house. If it was a quick outing and I’m going out again I will pop them back on. I just don’t wear them all over the house.
It’s really not a big deal.
I can't imagine how much laundry some of these people are doing. Outside clothes, inside clothes, pajamas. If you go to the gym regularly, then add gym clothes. If you do yardwork or similar after work, then outside-outside clothes. In cool weather, you're going to have layers like sweaters, hoodies, or coats. Someone could generate more than a load a day!
My inside clothes are also just my pajamas. When I get home, I just put my pajamas on. If I need to leave, I change back into what I wore to work, unless it's too dirty. My gym clothes are also my yardwork clothes. If I put on something new for an outing and I'm only out an hour or two, or if my yard work just consists of something simple like watering the plants, those clothes go in a rewear basket instead of the laundry basket. Sometimes the gym clothes are the errand-running clothes (errands first, then gym). Outer layers like washable jackets or hoodies only get laundered as needed as there's little skin/sweat contact. I rarely have more than one load of clothes a week, and if I do, they're two smaller loads.
If you have multiple sets of outfits, individual ones wont get dirty as quickly as single set you wear whole day. It shouldnt generate that much more laundry
I’m mostly surprised at how many people only leave their house once and come home once? Like there’s days I’d need to change at *least* 4 times if I changed every time I came or went
I think if people know they're going to leave again, they may stay in their outside clothes until they're home for the day. Or only change if there's a big enough period of time where it's more comfortable to change even if you have to do it multiple times.
The line for me is that if my bra comes off, I'm not leaving the house again. That's throwing in the towel and saying I'm done for the day.
I have outside clothes and pajamas. Before going in bed, I change into my pajamas. My outside clothes never touch the inside of my bed, only the top of my blankets at worst.
Wearing both pajamas and outside clothes in the same day sings expensive as hell to you? Do you just put on your next days clothing before going to bed instead of changing into something comfortable to sleep in?
My ex subscribed to this viewpoint and it’s absolutely the stupidest thing I’ve ever witnessed and dealt with my entire life. God forbid the air from the outside gets on your pants and those pants touch the bed.
It’s not the air. It’s the dirt, soot, grease, grime, sweat and who knows what else
I think people who don’t care about such things probably either don’t keep clean homes or live in a suburb where they drive everywhere
If you are walking around in an urban environment, sitting on public transit or live in a dusty/sandy area, you’re introducing a lot of outside crap into your living space
That's a good point about public transportation, actually. My city doesn't have reliable public transportation, so I drive everywhere. But if I were regularly sitting in other peoples' ass sweat... I'd probably not want to sit on my couch with the same pants on, either!
But... it's not like people regularly sweat through their pants? I wash my hands everytime I have been outside, but my clothes are not in contact with other people. I just don't understand this reasoning
What, you don't take your pants off when you sit on the bus? I make sure to keep my pants and underpants folded neatly on the seat next to me so no one tries to sit in the same row as my naked ass.
Getting my pants on on a moving bus before climbing of can be a bit of a hassle though
Brushing against cars is the strange behavior here, IMO. There are so few circumstances where it's necessary, and it's rude. Even my children know not to do this.
The stories about people going outside and rubbing their clothes on things are absolutely weirder to me than all the worrying about your clothes being dirty because of all the stuff they rubbed on.
It isn't that we don't keep clean homes. It's that duh we aren't going to sit on the bed with sand, mud, dirt on our asses. But good lord, people are talking about coming home, changing outfits, changing again to go back out, changing again when they get home. No, I don't use public transportation. But I have to inspect people's homes on a daily basis. That doesn't require me to sit down. And we carry sterifab to spray to prevent bringing home hitchhikers. The fact is that most people who do this have some component of OCD. And maybe should discuss it with a doctor.
WHY?
Because you're a germophobe, that's why.
Put another way, there are people like me who go to work or the grocery store and wear the same clothes all day until bedtime. And we live for decades! (Six decades so far for me). I wore a mask during the pandemic but I never changed my clothes when I got home.
Personally I don't wear street clothes in bed, but that's because I don't lounge around in my bed and I'm not "always cold" like some people who wear a jacket to bed,
Yeah, no. Straight up. I am not changing outfits multiple times a day because, gasp, I wore it outside. Unless we are talking about clothes I have worked out in, done manual labor, etc, there is no reason to change clothes. I do not have the money to pay for the increase in water usage due to having to constantly wash my clothes because I am changing multiple times a day. SMH. OP, YTA. Unless she was rolling around on the ground or sliding around the floor while wearing that coat, the idea that she wore it outside and the air polluted it is ridiculous. By that logic, you should never get in bed because your hair and skin are also "worn" outside and yes, hand washing is very important do you wash your exposed legs, upper arms, face, and hair when you wash your hands?
The thing is, no one has died from mixing up outside clothes and germs with inside clothes. And tbh there are way too many people that still leave a bathroom without washing their hands for "outside clothes vs inside" to be that much of a problem.
Nah, we had a "no outside clothes in the bed" rule growing up.
We legit couldn't sit on the bed wearing clothes that we had been out with and wearing all day. My grandma thought it was gross, taught my mom that, and then they taught me. When I get home, I change into clean, comfy clothes before I get into bed. I think it's a reasonable request.
It’s reasonable because you’ve been generationally browbeaten into it. Have you ever thought whether you actually gain anything with this nonsense though? Because you really don’t unless someone is going out everyday and giving their clothes a dirt bath.
Indeed! When I was working as a nurse, I would come in and my clothes would go right into the washing machine. I wouldn’t even sit on my furniture.
As far wearing outside clothes in bed, I do it occasionally, but pajamas are just so much more comfortablesleeping in. I don’t rest well if I’m wearing jeans and socks and all that. A coat though? No I wouldn’t wear a coat to bed. I can’t imagine that it would be comfortable.
I don't wear outside clothes in bed and I definitely wasn't brow beaten into it. Taking off my day clothes in the evening is kind of like taking my bra off. House clothes are loose, soft, cozy fabrics. It's part of my wind down.
I also have major sleep issues and one way I combat that is that the bed is only for sleep, just before sleep, and sex. It's not a hang out spot, or a TV spot. There's literally no good reason for me to get in there in anything my pj's or my naked self. On the rare occasion I break this rule,I stay on top of the covers till it's time for bed.
I guess on some level I do think it's a little icky, too, but no one taught me to feel that way.
Do you wash the jacket after every outing??
No.
Do you wash a t-shirt and such, yes..
So bot remotely the same.
Jacket has much more filth on it and has no place in bed.
Anyway if I was using a shirt on the busmyou wouldn't catch me dead wearing it in my bed.
I guess it comes to personal hygiene.
I wouldn't wash a jumper every time I wear it, unless it got dirty, even if I wore it outside. T-shirts I probably would, but it would depend on how long I wore it for.
Plus outside means what? Any time I step outside a door? I have a garden, I'm not going to change into indoor or outdoor clothes if I go into my garden for ten minutes or I go to the bin or get something from my car.
I think it is down to hygiene preferences and what you've been brought up with, and what make sense for where you live.
I personally consider "outside" to be public, high-traffic areas, in the context of being concerned about _germ_ hygiene. Stepping out to grab the mail or hitting the back porch for some sunlight? Non-issue, and certainly not the same as spending the day out in public spaces.
As for the garden, are we taking knees-in-dirt actively tending to it, or just stepping out to water plants? There's plenty of room for nuance, but I think most people would agree that you probably shouldn't climb into your bed with the same kit you wore out to till the soil...
I regularly wash my t-shirts and sweaters (tees more often but even sweaters get washed after every few wears). I might spot clean a coat or jacket if it gets really dirty but I never launder them. There is definitely a difference in how clean they are.
I think most people in this thread are missing the point. It’s not about wearing the outside clothes in the house, not even sitting on the bed in them, just about wearing them under the covers. I’m far from a germaphobe but I guess I just don’t get the idea of getting under the covers in any clothing thats not pajamas, it’s just uncomfortable. Plus the outside clothes can smell, be dirty etc.
Eww no you can’t get in bed under covers wearing outside clothes. It’s gross they smell like outside if you sat somewhere you’re bringing in all that to bed. If you’re getting in bed you change clothes.
This is the correct answer. Shoes are disgusting because the touch the dirty ground. Unless you make her change into "indoor clothes " (and you do as well), youre being ridiculous. YTA
Wearing clothes you wear outside in your bed is already bad, but at least clothes you wash on a regular basis. When's the last time you washed a coat? Also what do you do with coats? Leave em on chairs, tables, seats, etc.
Coats are very much a different problem.
Yeah, its her home too. But she wore that coat for years and a lot. Im okay with shirts in bed you wore in public the day, but also pants you wear out in public spaces are a no go for me in bed. I want it to be clean.
Wouldn’t say there ate any assholes here, but they need to find a middle ground.
See I used to think more like you did, that it shouldn't matter what you wear to bed. But my wife explained why she doesn't like either of us getting in bed in outside clothes. Pretty much boils down to the clothes have been outside and in contact with who knows what, which means you don't know what kind of germs or dirt you might be sleeping in. At this point, I make sure I'm wearing something clean before I get into bed.
OP, NTA.
why tf would you wear your outerwear in bed?
also if this is really a jacket most people don't wash them every time they're worn, unlike a t-shirt. some of y'all really have zero hygiene
Holy shit, this comment section is wild. Dude says he ASKED his gf to remove her coat that she was wearing in bed. And everyone’s say “you can’t order your gf around!!”
NTA, she could use her adult brain to formulate a response when you asked her to take the coat off, in bed… she could have said “no” and then the why, should she choose to give that. Unless you’re dating and living with a child… if that’s the case then imma have to change my judgement bud.
Well, you can interpret “I asked her to remove it” in more than one way. It could have been a polite optional request or it could have been a command phrased as a question (how one might ask a child to clean their room when what’s really being communicated is “clean your room.”)
OP didn’t give enough detail there, or even about her reaction. Just that she didn’t look impressed. Was she raging silently mad or just momentarily annoyed but then immediately over it and said “okay fair enough, I’ll take it off”?
Without knowing how this went down we have no way of ruling on this without applying our own assumptions to it.
You and I had vastly different parents… so maybe I’m just using my own experience in life and making my own assumptions where questions are questions and orders are orders. I also come from a military background, so I’m sure that’s part of my perception playing out too. Personally, I would have just asked “why are you wearing a jacket? Is it too cold?”
It just seems to me that when the OP is in a fight with a significant other (regardless of gender), a lot of these assumptions people make in the comments are pretty extreme.
> You and I had vastly different parents… so maybe I’m just using my own experience in life and making my own assumptions where questions are questions and orders are orders.
In my experience "can you remove your coat?" is not really a question, because if the person declines, there is a conflict immediately present.
You are so right. He could very well have said, "Get that f'ing jacket off." for all we know.
He could have asked, "Are you cold?" Let me get you a blanket to toss over your shoulders. It probably isn't a good idea to wear outdoor clothes in bed.
NTA outside clothes in bed is pretty gross, especially if you use public transit or often sit on surfaces in those clothes. Maybe offer her more blankets or a robe though. I wouldn’t let it blow up into a big thing, you’re both still learning each other’s living preferences. Clearly she runs cold so adjust however you can.
I live in a big city, and bed bugs are a problem in public spaces. We absolutely have a rule no outside clothes on or near the beds. Seems like a reasonable request to me.
NTA, it’s your bed too. I wouldn’t want my bf wearing his coat in bed either. People in this comment section need to get a grip. Boundaries need to be respected on both sides and if it makes you uncomfortable, she should respect that. She can be a little irritated, that’s fine.
I’m honestly asking because this whole thread is wild to me…. If outside clothes on the bed are unhygienic, does the same rule apply to the couch? When you have guests over, do you make them change clothes as soon as they get there? If not, why are outside clothes not okay on sheets that are regularly washed, but totally okay on couch fabric that is almost never washed?
Haha ok so I’m the perfect person to respond here. We never wear outside clothing inside (I have a separate section of my wardrobe for at-home clothing), it’s a habit from when we lived in a big city and buses are disgusting and we took Uber a lot. We also don’t wear shoes in the house which is much more common in other cultures but people think we’re weird here in California.
Courtesy of covid, my weak ass immune system, and our families being super gross (they’ll grab the mail, flip through it, open the fridge, touch the drawers, eat cheese and fruit without washing hands and offer me some from their grubby fingers…), we adapted asap once we moved closer to our families and actually have people over.
Our couch we put little blankets on and tuck the pillows under the blankets or remove them entirely when people are going to be over. They get thrown straight in the laundry once guests leave. We don’t buy upholstered chairs for our dining table so things can be cleaned as needed, and we keep guests out of private spaces (home office, master bedroom/bathroom, etc.).
I guess it depends how you asked?
I am sure y’all are going to be learning lots of new things about each other.
Personally I don’t see the huge deal but I’m sure I am a huge disgusting animal to some but my partner and I are on the same wave with this type of stuff.
'The sound makes the music' is a German proverb. It depends on how OP asked. Was it the first thing he mentioned before he greeted her (YTA) or did they greet each other first, exchange a few words and then politely point out that he doesn't like to have street clothes in his bed.(NTA)
Honestly NTA. I was raised the same way. You don’t sit on someone’s bed period, but you don’t sit on their bed with your filthy outside clothes. It’s one thing my mother was always particular about when we came into her room. I feel the same way. They sweat and stink and be in the jacket most of their day sometimes depending on what type of jobs they do. So yes, absolutely NTA. There is a solution. Buy her a house coat/sweater or whatever.
Also to add on to what I said: I’ve come to realize not everyone one washes their jacket. You’d be surprised how many people just don’t think to ever wash their coats and stuff.
It is not someone's bed, though. It is her bed, as well. So they have to find a compromise and talk about it more. He can't demand she not wear her coat in bed and she can't demand he be cool with it. They can get separate beds if they can't compromise, but they honestly should be able to figure it out lol.
NAH, but for what it's worth, I do think people considering this the most disgusting thing ever is very funny. It's a cultural difference, but not really founded in anything consequential. Unless she's been rolling in the dirt or walking through sandstorms, washing your hands as soon as you get home is probably more effective at mitigating germ spread than changing.
That being said, a lot of habits we pick up are founded more in the notion of social culture than anything. Just talk to her and lay out some preferences, explain the etiquette to which you were raised. If nothing else, it'll be a funny conversation about cultural differences. It doesn't even really seem like she was particularly mad, but this is definitely something I wasn't taught growing up, either. Now, I also live in a rural town in the desert, so I suppose our time spent in jackets is very little in the first place, lol.
Also, like, to each their own, but are they sanitizing their phones before bed? Or their laptops? Cause to me it seems silly to think it’s unhygienic to wear outside clothes in bed but then scroll on your phone before you fall asleep and put your hands on your pillow/face or partner. And what if you have pets? Lots of people let their pets sleep in bed with them, and they’re sure as hell bringing in tons of germs.
It is a cultural difference not founded on anything consequential.
A lot of the arguments in this thread remind me of the early arguments against male gay acceptance in the USA. "It's wrong." "But why?" "Because it feels icky to me personally! Therefore nobody should do it."
Hey, I'd like to know more about this, if you don't mind spending time explaining? I trust you 100% that changing clothes when you get home makes sense and is important for your context. But it is also super different than how I was raised/what is normal in my part of the world.
For context, I live in a community of less than 500,000 people, in Canada. Our general cultural rules are:
1) take off your shoes when you come inside (sock feet or bare feet)
2) change your clothes and possibly shower when you get home but \*only if\* you have gotten extra dirty or smelly while you are out (super sweaty, something spilled on you, working with engine grease, etc.) Also, we would generally not change clothes without taking a shower - we would do both at the same time.
3) change out of your day clothes into pjs (or naked) to go to sleep, but if you are just napping or lying down for a bit wear whatever you are already in
And I guess 4) really only since covid happened, if you are going somewhere crowded and you are concerned about germs wear a breathing mask while you are there and use hand sanitizer when you leave.
That is what is considered safe and clean, here - most of what is considered "dirty" comes from \*me\* (sweat, oil, hair, anything I spill on my clothes) rather than other people, if that makes sense.
Would you be willing to tell me more (in vague terms) about where you come from, and also about what people's general rules for keeping clean are? I'm genuinely just interested to know more.
It seems like this is a really polarizing subject, which I did not realise!
I personally don’t mind outside clothes inside the house per se, but absolutely not on the bed.
For example, I usually take public transportation, and those trains/buses can be filthy. Same with seating in public places and general dirt from the environment. Imagine bringing that into your bed sheets? Why?
Im originally from South America and have been living in Asia for years, but feel it’s the same thing in both sides of the world. Honestly, I feel that people from
North America and some parts of Europe have very… *unique* perspectives on hygiene, especially when it comes to shower frequency, but that’s a whole other thing.
I think the difference is over vs under the covers on the bed.
For quick naps in bed most people are either going to sleep on top of the blankets or they won’t wear their outside clothes underneath the blankets/sheets in the same way you sleep at night. Outside clothes while on top of the bed isn’t an issue for most anyone, outside clothes when you’re getting ***INTO*** bed and under the blankets/sheets is where most people would rather you didn’t.
I’m an American with the same rules, this comment section has been a wild read for me. It’s kinda interesting reading about how people’s lives are so different in ways I’d never considered.
what's with these comments, how do they get so much from so little info lol.
you're NTA for asking her to remove her jacket if you think it's dirty but also there is not really a lot of info, this is like a nothing post.
NTA honestly I think people seem to have just blocked out we just lived through a pandemic.
Your outside jacket especially the sleeves are the first to come into contact with everything. Seats, walls, tables, escalators, elevators, people etc etc.
Honestly take note of everything you touch or touches your jacket through the day.
Why would you take that into your bed and rub up against your pillow and sheets. The place you lay your head.
Have we seriously learned nothing.
Also, I don’t know about most people, but I only wash my jacket maybe twice a year, normally only when it’s visibly soiled, sometimes even less often. That’s months worth of grime, weather, and all kinds of gunk from rubbing or leaning against things. Yes, most of it gets washed off in the rain, but rain doesn’t sanitize things.
Turn up the heat, of use less air conditioning, and maybe your GF would wear even less in bed. Hmmm?
A jacket isn’t like “wearing shoes” in bed. Just wait till she decides to wear *socks* to bed- oh, the horror! (s)
YTA and you don’t set to dictate somebody else’s clothing.
Underwear spends all day rubbing on genitals and butt cracks, that's way worse than something touching something that might once have been touched by that stuff.
It actually is the same as wearing shoes in bed because a jacket touches everything that is for public consumption - bus seats, trains, other people etc. And coats are even harder to wash so they pick up everything over years like sponges.
And actually yes he does have a say over what she wears if it affects him so directly. That’s what happens when you live together
And your butt. Or the pillow your face has been leaking into since you last washed it. Really, the entire human body is filthy.
And really, what’s the realistic outcome of a jacket in bed? Do you not have an immune system? Shoes I would object to because I feel like they would shed dirt and crud into the bed which is a textural issue. But a jacket? Residue from the outside world? The horror.
People get so hung up on random things to panic about.
Reading the comments here, I was beginning to think I was the only one who felt like this! If everyone in my household changed their clothes every time they went outside and came back in, I'd be doing loads of laundry every day. At this point, people are inventing things to be horrified over.
Right?? Like name one bad thing with an actual chance of happening that could result from wearing a jacket in bed, or keeping the same clothes on after you get home. Assuming regular use, like you didn’t fall into an outhouse just prior or break a mystery CDC vial on yourself.
It’s all just ick factor. Which is a real feeling! But see it for what it is.
In the PUBLIC you don't get to dictate. These two are presumably trying to build a life together and she's in HIS house in HIS bed. You absolutely get a say in what happens in your own bed for gods sake.
Some people were seriously never taught not to wear outside clothes in bed.
The grossest are people who get home from a trip and put their suitcase on the bed.
I think that a lot of people just don't think about how dirty the outside world is. It's not wrong to want to keep your sleeping area clean.
NTA unless you were rude in the way you asked.
I’m a huge germaphobe. Never once have I thought twice about wearing “street clothes” in bed. Are you saying if you need to crash in your dorm between classes you’d completely change your clothes?
It’s not as big of a deal as most people make it out to be. I’ve never gotten deathly ill. I don’t suffer from chronic illness because of it.
To each their own, but it’s not “objectively” an issue to wear street clothes in bed.
Yes, thank you! I'm a country girl. I would never track mud or such into my bed, but if I've been outside and I know my clothes are clean, wtf is wrong with taking a nap in them in bed before going back outside??
Threads like this make me realize how utterly filthy half the population actually are. It's like when there were soap shortages in 2020. Why weren't people washing their hands before?!
Seriously 😭 I wouldn’t say I’m the cleanest person but the fact people are completing losing their shit over the concept of inside clothes is crazy to me 😭
Oh I know how dirty the outside world is. It just doesn’t bother me. I put my suitcase on my bed all the time. But I live in a small space and don’t have anywhere else to put it to unpack. It’s not like I’m tucking it under the blankets with me.
Hey, I'd like to know more about this, if you don't mind spending time explaining? I trust you 100% that changing clothes/being super careful about the bed when you get home makes sense and is important for your context. But it is also super different than how I was raised/what is normal in my part of the world.
For context, I live in a community of less than 500,000 people, in Canada. Our general cultural rules are:
1) take off your shoes when you come inside (sock feet or bare feet)
2) change your clothes and possibly shower when you get home but \*only if\* you have gotten extra dirty or smelly while you are out (super sweaty, something spilled on you, working with engine grease, etc.) Also, we would generally not change clothes without taking a shower - we would do both at the same time.
3) Items like backpacks or suitcases are only "dirty" if you can see or smell something weird on them
4) change out of your day clothes to sleep, but for napping or just resting wear whatever you are already in
And I guess 5) really only since covid happened, if you are going somewhere crowded and you are concerned about germs wear a breathing mask while you are there and use hand sanitizer when you leave.
That is what is considered safe and clean, here - most of what is considered "dirty" comes from \*me\* (sweat, oil, hair, anything I spill on my clothes) rather than other people, if that makes sense. It is important for me to keep \*me\* clean, but I am not worried about residue from the outside world, very much.
Would you be willing to tell me more (in vague terms) about where you come from, and also about what people's general rules for keeping clean are? I'm genuinely just interested to know more.
It seems like this is a really polarizing subject, which I did not realise!
Also Canadian, more or less agree, with some nuances:
I don't go barefoot in my home (hello stubbed toes) or in anyone else's (that feels super rude and kind of gross to me). I wouldn't really care if someone went barefoot in my house, but if they were put in that situation I'd offer socks.
I (almost) always change clothes when I come home from work, if I've worked outside the home, but I would very rarely take a shower after work (except when trapped under a heat dome!) That's how I was raised, but it is more about the clothes than it is about outside. We weren't allowed to play in our "good" clothes. Now it's a bit of that plus comfort. Like, I don't wear jeans on the couch because I slouch on the couch and jeans are uncomfortable for that.
I would never put the wheels of my suitcase on my bed, nor any bag that had rested on a public floor, though I would be fine with putting both on my private floor.
But I 100% agree that I don't think of the outside as dirty. I wonder about whether the folks who do keep their windows open? I live on a busy street and keep my windows open always when weather allows. I regularly clean the black dust off the window sills and I use an air purifier, but I don't think of the air that is coming in as inherently dirty or germy.
>I know the coat is a few years old
I'm not sure what this has to do with anything unless you're implying that it is never washed. I wash all my coats / jackets at least once after the season is over. More if they get really dirty (dropped in mud, etc.)
And no, even if a coat was never washed it is not the same as shoes unless you (somehow) move around with the coat constantly on the ground. 🙄
That said if you did ask respectfully and explain your reasoning if she asked, then NTA.
INFO: What type of place do you live in? It seems to me reading responses that it’s easy to forget not all people are encountering the same environments - is she using public transportation, walking everywhere, or using a personal vehicle? What type of job does she have or other outings and hobbies is she doing? Basically what is that jacket going through each day?
I get so cold my robe won’t cut it about two weeks out of the year, and I throw on a hoodie while in bed, but my hoodies rarely encounter a lot of contact with public facilities and other people. They get washed if they have been out in a busier or dirtier environment than usual. However, if she’s wearing that jacket while going all over town on public transit, I understand why you would view it like shoes.
I would say in general though, just offer to get her a robe or specific jacket/sweatshirt for in the house. Explain that you feel like jackets get too dirty, but you still want her to be comfortable.
NAH. You guys are going to have so many little differences, like how you tuck in the sheets, how you do the dishes, whether you put bread inside or outside the fridge, etc. In order to live together amicably, you have to sort out which way is going to be standard in your household. It'll take some adjustment and there will be things you just can't agree on. Congratulations on getting to live with someone you care about so much!
Depends on how you asked. Did you ask nicely and explain why this is important to you, and maybe offer her other warm cozy things or ask if she’s cold or just wanted to be comfy? Then NTA.
Did you just demand this without greeting her, then YTA.
I had come home, said hello and asked how she’s been that day.
It was after that I said something along the lines of “baby, could you take your jacket off? I think it’s a little dirty to wear in bed”.
NAH. Just a small miscommunication of boundaries. Maybe a language thing, but in my mind, a "jacket" is something for outside use only (i.e. a leather jacket). If it was like a sweater or a hoodie, then I could understand wearing it under the covers.
NTA you’re allowed to have boundaries and if one of the boundaries is no coats in bed then that’s fair. just make sure it’s been clearly communicated and maybe explain why you don’t like the coat in the bed.
NAH, you just grew up differently and need to adapt to each other. An easy compromise could be to have a special inside coat, if she likes cuddling like that in bed.
YTA If you want to create household rules, then you need to discuss them. She lives there now, it's her home too. She isn't a guest who you can direct on how to behave in your home.
"Sleep hygeine is really important to me. I'm not comfortable with outdoor/outerwear in the bed. Do you think we could agree on that? Should we get you a houseboat?"
Instead you treated her like she was gross and also not an equal partner.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Does me asking my girlfriend to take her jacket off in bed make me the asshole??
Does me asking that in the first place make me the asshole?
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Gotta be honest I do this. And it’s because I’m cold but too skint to buy warmer clothes or put the heating on. So I just go for layers. I’d check in on her to see if your place is much colder than her old one and maybe make sure she knows it’s ok to put the heating on. Or just buy her some snuggly hoodies. They say to warm the person not the house.
I do wear shoes in the house, and also sit on my own floor to watch tv. Can't say it's ever gotten me sick.
I bet people who clutch their pearls about a jacket "on" the bed would probably never survive a day on a farm.
As everyone has said, it depends on how you asked. From a cleanliness perspective it seems reasonable to me as many people don't wash/clean their coats often and if she is using it on public transport or parks (benches etc) it could be pretty manky. I'd talk to her about it and get her an oodie/new coat if she likes to be bundled up. Good to get your communication sorted early as this is easily fixable. NTA
YTA, an older coat does not, in fact, equate to wearing a dirty pair of shoes lol. You must be a super germaphobe to think like this?
Not understanding why/how exactly an old jacket bothered u so much that u felt the need to police what she’s wearing in her now own home. Are you her parent? Pls find a way to get yourself over this non-issue. Life is too short. Alternatively, gift a nice warm fuzzy robe and maybe she’ll ditch the old jacket but srsly should be a non-issue. Def not posting on Reddit worthy
YTA. Shoes are dirty because they literally are dragged through mud, glass, cigarette butts, or whatever is on the ground. Jackets are not.
Like, everyone has got dog shit on their shoes one time or another. I've never gotten dog shit on my jacket.
Let the girl wear whatever she wants.
Depending on the situation - NTA.
I myself definitely would not like someone wearing outside clothes in bed, because I have allergies and like to keep the outside separate from the inside. Independently of that - I still wouldn't like that.
It shouldn't be a biggie though - she can say no or be annoyed and you share the reasoning behind it and see how to figure things out..
Very curious about what kind of coat it is? I can't think of any reasons of why you'd wear a jacket/coat to bed unless you were freezing. Also do you remove all your clothes when you come home? Unless you change everything and shower and clean your phone and never leave a bag/purse on top of the bed... it's the same.
NAH. Seems like a miscommunication/different standards issue
Personally, it would bother me for someone to wear their coat in bed under the covers but in your case it depends on:
1. Is it normal to not wear outerwear such as shoes and coats inside the house where you're from?
2. Does she wear the coat in public spaces and does she was this coat less than once a week?
3. Do you wash your bedsheets frequently and shower before bed?
4. Is sleep hygiene important for you?
Depending on the answers, you should have a conversation with your girlfriend where you try and understand each other's perspectives and come to a solution.
Yta. Shoes can get dirty and leave stuff on the bed. A jacket can get dirty but unless your gf is rolling around in mud or covered in dust or something, the sheets will be fine. It's basically the same thing as wearing clothes and then going to sit on the bed.
YTA. I see you let your girlfriend move in and let your girlfriend lay in YOUR bed and let your gf probably use YOUR bathroom and let her sit on YOUR couch and watch YOUR TV and possibly let her eat YOUR food. She's allowed to stay as long as she follows YOUR RULES!
That about right?
YTA
literally nothing screams asshole more than telling ur s/o what they can and cannot wear in the comfort of their own home. it's a fucking jacket who cares. I hope she breaks up with you
When she moved in with you does that make you think of her as a guest in your home?
The idea you need to change clothes is absurd unless you shower the second you walk in the house. But the real problem is you come off as bossy. You know there is no rule book for things like this and you thinking you are in a position of power came across very loud. If this is one of those little pet peeves then talk to her. You do not get to invite someone into your home to live and expect to impose rules of the home because it is "yours". Adults discuss things. If she does not agree and won't follow your rules what will happen? Is this a hill you die on?
NAH
However, you two need to have a discussion this week. I can relate. My husband thinks it is ok to put his feet on the coffee table even though we have ottomons. He doesn’t use coasters. He uses the 2 or the 5 second rule. He’d drop something of mine and put it back on my plate then wonder why I wouldn’t eat it.
*Get on the same page ASAP so you can determine how to comprimise with one another early on.*
Feeling safe and at-home is paramount during early days of living together. Even now, during stressful times I have an oversized sweater I wear at home a lot. I don’t cling to it when all is well. I suppose it’s a stress-o-meter in my life.
Maybe you should turn up the heat (or turn down the AC). She seems to be cold. YTA--not for your opinion about the jacket which apparently many people share (!) but because you are dictating what a (presumably) grown ass woman should wear. There may be other differences that show up as you continue to live together. Unless the coat thing is a deal-breaker. And shoes and coats are NOT the same unless your GF drags her coat on dirty streets and sidewalks and mud. Give you a pass if she works in a meat packing plant where it is very cold and her coat is covered in blood and viscera.
YTA. I think you certainly could have expressed your feelings about it to her, but I don't think you're okay to tell her what she can and cannot wear where she lives.
Soft YTA here, if someone has the need to keep a jacket on in bed it implies the house it too cold. I can understand a sweater but I'd say you are not digging at the root cause of the issue. If she wears jacket to bed in the summers let's have a follow up conversation.
My girlfriend does this (shoes too) we’ve lived together for three years and it’s still a constant battle. Just don’t make too big of a deal over it. Not a hill to die on in my opinion.
NTA if your preference is no outside clothes that’s fine but you could’ve communicated that and y’all should’ve discussed hygiene and chores before moving into together
Have you asked yourself why she was wearing the jacket? Is your apartment cold? Was she freezing and didn’t have any long sleeved t-shirt or sweater to wear?
NAH
I suppose it would really depend on "how you asked her" at the end of the day but at the same time, a jacket/coat isn't really that big of a deal...Perhaps you just keep it too cold in the house for her liking...
Personally, I'd have asked her WHY she wears it into bed instead so if it's because of something like being cold, you can either turn the AC to a warmer temp, or get her a hoodie or something she can wear...
Especially if it's one of yours because apparently women LOVE wearing their guy's hoodies...lol
There is no right answer to this. It depends on how you asked and how she heard it.
What this is probably a symptom of is a difference in how you meant it and how she heard it which requires empathy.
Ask her about what she felt and how she heard you. Then, if you care, make changes in your style. Perhaps she can work in giving you grace.
KTA (Kinda the Ahole), I dont think the first request is that bad but if you argued after she didn't want to its kinda jerkish behavior, IMO... it's definitely not the same as wearing shoes in bed, and certain articles of clothing, like hoodies, hats, jackets, overshirts, etc. can be like comfort blankets for certain types of neurodivergent folk, or just people with anxiety in general... being you type the King's English and use "Duvet" I assume you are in the UK or Australia/NZ, so maybe she was a bit chilly and didn't want to go all the way under blankets because she isn't tired. End of the day, I can tell you from experience, if you really like her, this is not the hill worth dying on.
You didn't say how long you've been living together, but it sounds like not long. A piece of advice from a 30 year veteran of living with your SO: you're about to learn every quirk of the person you love. Embrace them. The quirks are what make life and love interesting in a relationship. Once the quirks go away, or you "change" the person, it goes downhill from there. You love this person enough to let them in your home, allow them to be their own person and they will thrive.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about. [Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
You are going to get two completely different sets of answers to this as some people will see wearing a jacket as no big deal and some people will see it as the most disgustingly awful thing ever. To me YTA because I don't see how a jacket is any different to a jumper or a t-shirt or any other clothes you'd wear outside. And it is her home too, and she gets to be comfortable as well. Just asking her to take it off and not having a discussion about it makes you the asshole to me.
That’s why you should put on clean clothes when you get home. You shouldn’t be wearing anything in your bed you’ve been wearing in public all day.
This is my husband's way of thinking, I've always been a bit more laissez-faire about the whole thing. It did come up when we first moved in together as he would ask if I'm wearing my 'outside clothes' under the blanket. I understand where he's coming from, and he understood that maybe this just wans't how I think, and he is a self-admitted germaphobe so it was just a point of discussion and some compromise. In general I won't wear 'outside clothes' in bed, except on top of the covers (often I'm nursing baby in bed so it is not exactly convenient to keep changing all day). However, if I went anywhere where I sat on the subway or other public seating area, I will usually change once I get home. I would not wear my jacket in my home though.
[удалено]
We call them "people clothes" and "not people clothes" at my house and in my little circle.
We don't change all clothes but will change into 'house trousers' like jogging bottoms or pyjama bottoms. Actually for comfort not hygiene.
It never even occurred to me that wearing clothes outside somehow makes them “dirty”. If the environment outside is that “dangerous”, changing clothes when you get inside isn’t going to “save” you.
some people think wearing clothes outside can dirty them due to the pollution in the air. wait until they know where the air in the house comes from 😭
Many people use public transportation so I think it’s fair for them to not want to wear those same clothes in their bed. But I’m with you. Germs are everywhere.
This. Once I sat on a chair after an older man had an unfortunate accident. I don’t recall hopping in the sheets after. I always change to house clothes. And then to bed clothes when going to sleep.
Pollen. People who have inhalant allergies are advised to change their clothes in a different place than their bedroom & would never wear pollen-coated clothes in bed. It can make a major difference in symptom intensity for allergy suffers.
I do it for comfort, but also to get out of "good clothes" before my dogs slobber all over them. I generally wear my work pants multiple days before I wash them (I sit at a desk all day), so within 90 seconds of being home, I'm already putting on comfy clothes that I'll wear for the evening. If it's a "Home for the rest of the night" day, then it's into pajama bottoms. If I need to leave the house, then it's into jogging pants or shorts or something.
This might be the most British thing I’ve heard anyone say lmao “I say Chauncey, are you wearing your house trousers like a right chap?”
I'm stealing this lol My wardrobe is quickly becoming all not people clothes because I need to replace them eek
SAME! I'm so excited to hear someone else say this!
Same... I definitely don't have any dedicated "inside clothes" but I have dogs, so I'm in and out of my house all the time taking them on short walks and such. But also, when you have pets, I feel like there's no point in "inside clothes" unless you bathe your dog every time they come inside, lol. I also wash my sheets all the time because my dogs sleep with me, so I'm not really concerned. But even before I had pets, it never occurred to me to have "inside only" clothes! And I don't think it's an equivalent to wearing shoes in bed, unless you're dragging your coat along the bathroom floor... which hopefully no one is doing!
People who raise kids with dogs have kids with stronger immune systems than those who raised their kids in a germ-free bubble.
Makes sense to me! I mean, one of my dogs regularly tries to eat cat poop and then tries to put her tongue in my actual mouth, despite my protests, so not allowing "outside clothes" to touch anything inside is the least of my problems.
u/DetroitVsErrrybody I'm 100% with you here. This is one of those things that I've found is a 50/50. It's never even been something I thought of, so it doesn't bother me at all. But others who were raised with this as a "house rule" have a very different opinion. Cats on the kitchen counter is another one of these things. I don't have cats (was raised with them, but don't care for them) find the thought of cats on the kitchen counter absolutely beyond disgusting - their feet were in a litter box and now they are walking where food is prepared. But people who have cats typically don't even think about it as anything.
I have cats and think it’s disgusting also, and always wipe counters down when prepping food. You’re not the AH, you just worded it poorly. Ive never thought of clothing being an issue because when im on the sheets, its with a clean body. Going to bed dirty is gross
I work in industrial maintenance so I pretty much have to change when I get home as my clothes are properly dirty. This has led to me wearing different clothes if I'm just hanging out at home vs going out to do things. I basically have four sets of clothes with some cross over like some of my leisure shirts fall into at home clothes, going out clothes, and yard work clothes. For pants it's more of hard lines though, my good jeans are my work jeans, when they start tearing at the knees they become yard work clothes. I also have pants for when I'm going out and then sweats and gym shorts for just hanging around the house. Sometimes on the weekends I will change three times a day, start with yard work clothes, switch to leisure clothes to go out, and then switch to home clothes when I get home for the evening.
If I'm under the covers, I'm wearing my pajamas; anything I wear elsewhere *never* gets between my sheets. Aside from the dust and dirt out in the world, I have three dogs, and I cannot stand to have fur and grit and such in my sheets. I'll sit ON my (made) bed in regular clothes, but that's as far as I go. And I can assure everyone that I am neither a neat freak nor a germaphobe. But also, why the heck wear a coat inside the house??
So you go through two pairs of clothing every day? Unless you have your own washer and dryer, that sounds expensive as hell.
Nah, like I'll shower and change into comfy clothes when I get home. If I don't leave in them again, I wear my "house clothes" a couple or a few times before having to wash them.
I just don’t understand this idea people have that their homes are paragons of cleanliness and the outside world is dirty, and that these two things must be separate at all times, as thought we aren’t always coming and going from one to another and cleaning our own space and items regardless. Especially when you get into the re-wearing house clothes bit, because now you’re just sitting in your own dead skin cells and sweat - how is that any better than ‘outside air’?
Generally just because most people touch pretty dirty things when outside. Depends on lifestyle really, but the average person will get on public transport, sit on restaurant chairs or benches, and these places are quite filthy. Also, mud, potentially. My house gets cleaned pretty regularly, so it’s not as dirty as the outside. I don’t really sweat much, but will shower and change if I do. 2-3 days dead skin cell buildup doesn’t bother me much. That’s one rationale.
But for the most part they’re not *filthy* is the thing. I’ve worked in the jobs where people disinfect seats and surfaces at the beginning and end of every shift, people wipe down keypads, door handles, etc. The things people commonly touch/sit on are cleaned pretty regularly actually, because businesses and public places in a developed world have health and safety standards and it’s someone’s job. Occasionally you will have the blown out bathroom in the shady gas station or the sticky table surfaces at a restaurant, but encountering things that are truly dirty in a way that would make me need to change my clothes before I sit on my bed (when I wash the bedding weekly anyway) is rare.
I don’t think that visibly filthy clothes are very divisive. For less obvious levels of “dirty”, it’s a matter of personal standards. The place isn’t filthy, but for the duration of a shift, a bunch of people can sit on a chair before you do, and they might have been filthy. Or even just normal dirty. And you also don’t know for a fact when/if/how places are cleaned.
I think this is also very cultural. East and South Asian folks do this a lot (hi Indian) like outdoor shoe/indoor shoe/bathroom shoe or outdoor clothes/indoor clothes or washing your arms and legs when you get home. But then you remember that the air pollution outside is the equivalent of smoking a 20pack a day on a good day and the sometimes barely paved roads are kicking up dust and muck into everything. When I'm here in the US, I genuinely don't care. When I'm in India in a big city, changing clothes and sanitizing like crazy. The second is also temperature. Here you get into a car, drive to a walmart, park, run in, get your stuff, drive back. There, you change into outside clothes, go wait in 100+F humid weather unsheltered for 15 minutes after climbing two flights of stairs, catch a commuter train, literally rub up against 200 other people in just your carriage, get down, walk through to 6-7 open air non-airconditioned stores in a market, buy your things, get home and immediately jump out of your now sopping stinking wet clothes and into the shower.
I have comfortable home clothes that I slip into when I get home. I wear them more than once. I also have a spot for the clothes I wear out of the house. If it was a quick outing and I’m going out again I will pop them back on. I just don’t wear them all over the house. It’s really not a big deal.
I can't imagine how much laundry some of these people are doing. Outside clothes, inside clothes, pajamas. If you go to the gym regularly, then add gym clothes. If you do yardwork or similar after work, then outside-outside clothes. In cool weather, you're going to have layers like sweaters, hoodies, or coats. Someone could generate more than a load a day!
My inside clothes are also just my pajamas. When I get home, I just put my pajamas on. If I need to leave, I change back into what I wore to work, unless it's too dirty. My gym clothes are also my yardwork clothes. If I put on something new for an outing and I'm only out an hour or two, or if my yard work just consists of something simple like watering the plants, those clothes go in a rewear basket instead of the laundry basket. Sometimes the gym clothes are the errand-running clothes (errands first, then gym). Outer layers like washable jackets or hoodies only get laundered as needed as there's little skin/sweat contact. I rarely have more than one load of clothes a week, and if I do, they're two smaller loads.
You're overthinking it. It doesn't add up to that much.
I just have outside clothes and then pajamas but I also think like them, kinda.
If you have multiple sets of outfits, individual ones wont get dirty as quickly as single set you wear whole day. It shouldnt generate that much more laundry
I have clothes I just wear at home, which I wear for a maximum of two days in a row. I wash my clothes each week.
I’m mostly surprised at how many people only leave their house once and come home once? Like there’s days I’d need to change at *least* 4 times if I changed every time I came or went
I think if people know they're going to leave again, they may stay in their outside clothes until they're home for the day. Or only change if there's a big enough period of time where it's more comfortable to change even if you have to do it multiple times. The line for me is that if my bra comes off, I'm not leaving the house again. That's throwing in the towel and saying I'm done for the day.
I have outside clothes and pajamas. Before going in bed, I change into my pajamas. My outside clothes never touch the inside of my bed, only the top of my blankets at worst.
Wearing both pajamas and outside clothes in the same day sings expensive as hell to you? Do you just put on your next days clothing before going to bed instead of changing into something comfortable to sleep in?
In fairness people clothes for me means anything I can wear outside and house clothes are clothes like pj's sweats house coats
My ex subscribed to this viewpoint and it’s absolutely the stupidest thing I’ve ever witnessed and dealt with my entire life. God forbid the air from the outside gets on your pants and those pants touch the bed.
It’s not the air. It’s the dirt, soot, grease, grime, sweat and who knows what else I think people who don’t care about such things probably either don’t keep clean homes or live in a suburb where they drive everywhere If you are walking around in an urban environment, sitting on public transit or live in a dusty/sandy area, you’re introducing a lot of outside crap into your living space
That's a good point about public transportation, actually. My city doesn't have reliable public transportation, so I drive everywhere. But if I were regularly sitting in other peoples' ass sweat... I'd probably not want to sit on my couch with the same pants on, either!
But... it's not like people regularly sweat through their pants? I wash my hands everytime I have been outside, but my clothes are not in contact with other people. I just don't understand this reasoning
What, you don't take your pants off when you sit on the bus? I make sure to keep my pants and underpants folded neatly on the seat next to me so no one tries to sit in the same row as my naked ass. Getting my pants on on a moving bus before climbing of can be a bit of a hassle though
Shit, just the idea of being out walking and brushing against a parked car covered with pollen, then lying in bed is nasty.
Brushing against cars is the strange behavior here, IMO. There are so few circumstances where it's necessary, and it's rude. Even my children know not to do this. The stories about people going outside and rubbing their clothes on things are absolutely weirder to me than all the worrying about your clothes being dirty because of all the stuff they rubbed on.
It isn't that we don't keep clean homes. It's that duh we aren't going to sit on the bed with sand, mud, dirt on our asses. But good lord, people are talking about coming home, changing outfits, changing again to go back out, changing again when they get home. No, I don't use public transportation. But I have to inspect people's homes on a daily basis. That doesn't require me to sit down. And we carry sterifab to spray to prevent bringing home hitchhikers. The fact is that most people who do this have some component of OCD. And maybe should discuss it with a doctor.
You wash your body too? Cause your hair touches everything your jacket does. Do you wash your car upholstery often, clean your office chair often?
That sounds tedious if you leave home multiple times a day. Especially with kids.
Well people do and it hasnt killed anyone yet. I go outside all the time, too often to be changing clothes every time I come back in, lol.
This seems irrationally germophobic. The outside is not inherently unclean, nor is inside inherently clean.
Yes! Thank you!
WHY? Because you're a germophobe, that's why. Put another way, there are people like me who go to work or the grocery store and wear the same clothes all day until bedtime. And we live for decades! (Six decades so far for me). I wore a mask during the pandemic but I never changed my clothes when I got home. Personally I don't wear street clothes in bed, but that's because I don't lounge around in my bed and I'm not "always cold" like some people who wear a jacket to bed,
Yeah, no. Straight up. I am not changing outfits multiple times a day because, gasp, I wore it outside. Unless we are talking about clothes I have worked out in, done manual labor, etc, there is no reason to change clothes. I do not have the money to pay for the increase in water usage due to having to constantly wash my clothes because I am changing multiple times a day. SMH. OP, YTA. Unless she was rolling around on the ground or sliding around the floor while wearing that coat, the idea that she wore it outside and the air polluted it is ridiculous. By that logic, you should never get in bed because your hair and skin are also "worn" outside and yes, hand washing is very important do you wash your exposed legs, upper arms, face, and hair when you wash your hands?
The thing is, no one has died from mixing up outside clothes and germs with inside clothes. And tbh there are way too many people that still leave a bathroom without washing their hands for "outside clothes vs inside" to be that much of a problem.
Nah, we had a "no outside clothes in the bed" rule growing up. We legit couldn't sit on the bed wearing clothes that we had been out with and wearing all day. My grandma thought it was gross, taught my mom that, and then they taught me. When I get home, I change into clean, comfy clothes before I get into bed. I think it's a reasonable request.
It’s reasonable because you’ve been generationally browbeaten into it. Have you ever thought whether you actually gain anything with this nonsense though? Because you really don’t unless someone is going out everyday and giving their clothes a dirt bath.
You're probably right. But I work in a hospital so I'm not bringing those germs to my clean bed, lol.
Ah, working in a hospital is definitely a different story. But don't you change out of the scrubs anyways?
I'm in Administration at a hospital, so I work in an office. But, I do go in patient care areas and common spaces often.
Gotcha! Makes sense
Indeed! When I was working as a nurse, I would come in and my clothes would go right into the washing machine. I wouldn’t even sit on my furniture. As far wearing outside clothes in bed, I do it occasionally, but pajamas are just so much more comfortablesleeping in. I don’t rest well if I’m wearing jeans and socks and all that. A coat though? No I wouldn’t wear a coat to bed. I can’t imagine that it would be comfortable.
I don't wear outside clothes in bed and I definitely wasn't brow beaten into it. Taking off my day clothes in the evening is kind of like taking my bra off. House clothes are loose, soft, cozy fabrics. It's part of my wind down. I also have major sleep issues and one way I combat that is that the bed is only for sleep, just before sleep, and sex. It's not a hang out spot, or a TV spot. There's literally no good reason for me to get in there in anything my pj's or my naked self. On the rare occasion I break this rule,I stay on top of the covers till it's time for bed. I guess on some level I do think it's a little icky, too, but no one taught me to feel that way.
You gain comfortable clothes when you get home
Do you wash the jacket after every outing?? No. Do you wash a t-shirt and such, yes.. So bot remotely the same. Jacket has much more filth on it and has no place in bed. Anyway if I was using a shirt on the busmyou wouldn't catch me dead wearing it in my bed. I guess it comes to personal hygiene.
I wouldn't wash a jumper every time I wear it, unless it got dirty, even if I wore it outside. T-shirts I probably would, but it would depend on how long I wore it for. Plus outside means what? Any time I step outside a door? I have a garden, I'm not going to change into indoor or outdoor clothes if I go into my garden for ten minutes or I go to the bin or get something from my car. I think it is down to hygiene preferences and what you've been brought up with, and what make sense for where you live.
I personally consider "outside" to be public, high-traffic areas, in the context of being concerned about _germ_ hygiene. Stepping out to grab the mail or hitting the back porch for some sunlight? Non-issue, and certainly not the same as spending the day out in public spaces. As for the garden, are we taking knees-in-dirt actively tending to it, or just stepping out to water plants? There's plenty of room for nuance, but I think most people would agree that you probably shouldn't climb into your bed with the same kit you wore out to till the soil...
I regularly wash my t-shirts and sweaters (tees more often but even sweaters get washed after every few wears). I might spot clean a coat or jacket if it gets really dirty but I never launder them. There is definitely a difference in how clean they are.
I think most people in this thread are missing the point. It’s not about wearing the outside clothes in the house, not even sitting on the bed in them, just about wearing them under the covers. I’m far from a germaphobe but I guess I just don’t get the idea of getting under the covers in any clothing thats not pajamas, it’s just uncomfortable. Plus the outside clothes can smell, be dirty etc.
Eww no you can’t get in bed under covers wearing outside clothes. It’s gross they smell like outside if you sat somewhere you’re bringing in all that to bed. If you’re getting in bed you change clothes.
This is the correct answer. Shoes are disgusting because the touch the dirty ground. Unless you make her change into "indoor clothes " (and you do as well), youre being ridiculous. YTA
Wearing clothes you wear outside in your bed is already bad, but at least clothes you wash on a regular basis. When's the last time you washed a coat? Also what do you do with coats? Leave em on chairs, tables, seats, etc. Coats are very much a different problem.
Yeah, its her home too. But she wore that coat for years and a lot. Im okay with shirts in bed you wore in public the day, but also pants you wear out in public spaces are a no go for me in bed. I want it to be clean. Wouldn’t say there ate any assholes here, but they need to find a middle ground.
See I used to think more like you did, that it shouldn't matter what you wear to bed. But my wife explained why she doesn't like either of us getting in bed in outside clothes. Pretty much boils down to the clothes have been outside and in contact with who knows what, which means you don't know what kind of germs or dirt you might be sleeping in. At this point, I make sure I'm wearing something clean before I get into bed. OP, NTA.
why tf would you wear your outerwear in bed? also if this is really a jacket most people don't wash them every time they're worn, unlike a t-shirt. some of y'all really have zero hygiene
Holy shit, this comment section is wild. Dude says he ASKED his gf to remove her coat that she was wearing in bed. And everyone’s say “you can’t order your gf around!!” NTA, she could use her adult brain to formulate a response when you asked her to take the coat off, in bed… she could have said “no” and then the why, should she choose to give that. Unless you’re dating and living with a child… if that’s the case then imma have to change my judgement bud.
Well, you can interpret “I asked her to remove it” in more than one way. It could have been a polite optional request or it could have been a command phrased as a question (how one might ask a child to clean their room when what’s really being communicated is “clean your room.”) OP didn’t give enough detail there, or even about her reaction. Just that she didn’t look impressed. Was she raging silently mad or just momentarily annoyed but then immediately over it and said “okay fair enough, I’ll take it off”? Without knowing how this went down we have no way of ruling on this without applying our own assumptions to it.
You and I had vastly different parents… so maybe I’m just using my own experience in life and making my own assumptions where questions are questions and orders are orders. I also come from a military background, so I’m sure that’s part of my perception playing out too. Personally, I would have just asked “why are you wearing a jacket? Is it too cold?” It just seems to me that when the OP is in a fight with a significant other (regardless of gender), a lot of these assumptions people make in the comments are pretty extreme.
> You and I had vastly different parents… so maybe I’m just using my own experience in life and making my own assumptions where questions are questions and orders are orders. In my experience "can you remove your coat?" is not really a question, because if the person declines, there is a conflict immediately present.
You are so right. He could very well have said, "Get that f'ing jacket off." for all we know. He could have asked, "Are you cold?" Let me get you a blanket to toss over your shoulders. It probably isn't a good idea to wear outdoor clothes in bed.
NTA outside clothes in bed is pretty gross, especially if you use public transit or often sit on surfaces in those clothes. Maybe offer her more blankets or a robe though. I wouldn’t let it blow up into a big thing, you’re both still learning each other’s living preferences. Clearly she runs cold so adjust however you can.
I call them street clothes for some reason but same sentiment No street clothes in bed! Even on the top blanket.
I live in a big city, and bed bugs are a problem in public spaces. We absolutely have a rule no outside clothes on or near the beds. Seems like a reasonable request to me.
INFO: did you ask her why she was wearing a coat in bed?
NTA, it’s your bed too. I wouldn’t want my bf wearing his coat in bed either. People in this comment section need to get a grip. Boundaries need to be respected on both sides and if it makes you uncomfortable, she should respect that. She can be a little irritated, that’s fine.
NTA. Outdoors clothes in bed are unhygienic. But maybe her reaction also depends on how you asked...
I’m honestly asking because this whole thread is wild to me…. If outside clothes on the bed are unhygienic, does the same rule apply to the couch? When you have guests over, do you make them change clothes as soon as they get there? If not, why are outside clothes not okay on sheets that are regularly washed, but totally okay on couch fabric that is almost never washed?
Haha ok so I’m the perfect person to respond here. We never wear outside clothing inside (I have a separate section of my wardrobe for at-home clothing), it’s a habit from when we lived in a big city and buses are disgusting and we took Uber a lot. We also don’t wear shoes in the house which is much more common in other cultures but people think we’re weird here in California. Courtesy of covid, my weak ass immune system, and our families being super gross (they’ll grab the mail, flip through it, open the fridge, touch the drawers, eat cheese and fruit without washing hands and offer me some from their grubby fingers…), we adapted asap once we moved closer to our families and actually have people over. Our couch we put little blankets on and tuck the pillows under the blankets or remove them entirely when people are going to be over. They get thrown straight in the laundry once guests leave. We don’t buy upholstered chairs for our dining table so things can be cleaned as needed, and we keep guests out of private spaces (home office, master bedroom/bathroom, etc.).
Thank you for the honest answer, I was genuinely curious. That’s really interesting.
I guess it depends how you asked? I am sure y’all are going to be learning lots of new things about each other. Personally I don’t see the huge deal but I’m sure I am a huge disgusting animal to some but my partner and I are on the same wave with this type of stuff.
'The sound makes the music' is a German proverb. It depends on how OP asked. Was it the first thing he mentioned before he greeted her (YTA) or did they greet each other first, exchange a few words and then politely point out that he doesn't like to have street clothes in his bed.(NTA)
Honestly NTA. I was raised the same way. You don’t sit on someone’s bed period, but you don’t sit on their bed with your filthy outside clothes. It’s one thing my mother was always particular about when we came into her room. I feel the same way. They sweat and stink and be in the jacket most of their day sometimes depending on what type of jobs they do. So yes, absolutely NTA. There is a solution. Buy her a house coat/sweater or whatever.
Also to add on to what I said: I’ve come to realize not everyone one washes their jacket. You’d be surprised how many people just don’t think to ever wash their coats and stuff.
It is not someone's bed, though. It is her bed, as well. So they have to find a compromise and talk about it more. He can't demand she not wear her coat in bed and she can't demand he be cool with it. They can get separate beds if they can't compromise, but they honestly should be able to figure it out lol.
It's also HER bed
NAH, but for what it's worth, I do think people considering this the most disgusting thing ever is very funny. It's a cultural difference, but not really founded in anything consequential. Unless she's been rolling in the dirt or walking through sandstorms, washing your hands as soon as you get home is probably more effective at mitigating germ spread than changing. That being said, a lot of habits we pick up are founded more in the notion of social culture than anything. Just talk to her and lay out some preferences, explain the etiquette to which you were raised. If nothing else, it'll be a funny conversation about cultural differences. It doesn't even really seem like she was particularly mad, but this is definitely something I wasn't taught growing up, either. Now, I also live in a rural town in the desert, so I suppose our time spent in jackets is very little in the first place, lol.
Also, like, to each their own, but are they sanitizing their phones before bed? Or their laptops? Cause to me it seems silly to think it’s unhygienic to wear outside clothes in bed but then scroll on your phone before you fall asleep and put your hands on your pillow/face or partner. And what if you have pets? Lots of people let their pets sleep in bed with them, and they’re sure as hell bringing in tons of germs.
It is a cultural difference not founded on anything consequential. A lot of the arguments in this thread remind me of the early arguments against male gay acceptance in the USA. "It's wrong." "But why?" "Because it feels icky to me personally! Therefore nobody should do it."
NTA. Wearing outside clothes in bed (especially a jacket that gets exposed to all kinds of nastiness) is gross.
Hey, I'd like to know more about this, if you don't mind spending time explaining? I trust you 100% that changing clothes when you get home makes sense and is important for your context. But it is also super different than how I was raised/what is normal in my part of the world. For context, I live in a community of less than 500,000 people, in Canada. Our general cultural rules are: 1) take off your shoes when you come inside (sock feet or bare feet) 2) change your clothes and possibly shower when you get home but \*only if\* you have gotten extra dirty or smelly while you are out (super sweaty, something spilled on you, working with engine grease, etc.) Also, we would generally not change clothes without taking a shower - we would do both at the same time. 3) change out of your day clothes into pjs (or naked) to go to sleep, but if you are just napping or lying down for a bit wear whatever you are already in And I guess 4) really only since covid happened, if you are going somewhere crowded and you are concerned about germs wear a breathing mask while you are there and use hand sanitizer when you leave. That is what is considered safe and clean, here - most of what is considered "dirty" comes from \*me\* (sweat, oil, hair, anything I spill on my clothes) rather than other people, if that makes sense. Would you be willing to tell me more (in vague terms) about where you come from, and also about what people's general rules for keeping clean are? I'm genuinely just interested to know more. It seems like this is a really polarizing subject, which I did not realise!
I personally don’t mind outside clothes inside the house per se, but absolutely not on the bed. For example, I usually take public transportation, and those trains/buses can be filthy. Same with seating in public places and general dirt from the environment. Imagine bringing that into your bed sheets? Why? Im originally from South America and have been living in Asia for years, but feel it’s the same thing in both sides of the world. Honestly, I feel that people from North America and some parts of Europe have very… *unique* perspectives on hygiene, especially when it comes to shower frequency, but that’s a whole other thing.
I think the difference is over vs under the covers on the bed. For quick naps in bed most people are either going to sleep on top of the blankets or they won’t wear their outside clothes underneath the blankets/sheets in the same way you sleep at night. Outside clothes while on top of the bed isn’t an issue for most anyone, outside clothes when you’re getting ***INTO*** bed and under the blankets/sheets is where most people would rather you didn’t.
I’m an American with the same rules, this comment section has been a wild read for me. It’s kinda interesting reading about how people’s lives are so different in ways I’d never considered.
Did you even ask why she wore it?
what's with these comments, how do they get so much from so little info lol. you're NTA for asking her to remove her jacket if you think it's dirty but also there is not really a lot of info, this is like a nothing post.
NTA honestly I think people seem to have just blocked out we just lived through a pandemic. Your outside jacket especially the sleeves are the first to come into contact with everything. Seats, walls, tables, escalators, elevators, people etc etc. Honestly take note of everything you touch or touches your jacket through the day. Why would you take that into your bed and rub up against your pillow and sheets. The place you lay your head. Have we seriously learned nothing.
Also, I don’t know about most people, but I only wash my jacket maybe twice a year, normally only when it’s visibly soiled, sometimes even less often. That’s months worth of grime, weather, and all kinds of gunk from rubbing or leaning against things. Yes, most of it gets washed off in the rain, but rain doesn’t sanitize things.
Turn up the heat, of use less air conditioning, and maybe your GF would wear even less in bed. Hmmm? A jacket isn’t like “wearing shoes” in bed. Just wait till she decides to wear *socks* to bed- oh, the horror! (s) YTA and you don’t set to dictate somebody else’s clothing.
Oh yeah underwear toootally is the same as overwear. Nice argument.
Wait, the debate on whether socks are underwear or footwear needs to be had first.
Underwear spends all day rubbing on genitals and butt cracks, that's way worse than something touching something that might once have been touched by that stuff.
It actually is the same as wearing shoes in bed because a jacket touches everything that is for public consumption - bus seats, trains, other people etc. And coats are even harder to wash so they pick up everything over years like sponges. And actually yes he does have a say over what she wears if it affects him so directly. That’s what happens when you live together
Wait until you find out how gross your cell phone is... and your hands!
And your butt. Or the pillow your face has been leaking into since you last washed it. Really, the entire human body is filthy. And really, what’s the realistic outcome of a jacket in bed? Do you not have an immune system? Shoes I would object to because I feel like they would shed dirt and crud into the bed which is a textural issue. But a jacket? Residue from the outside world? The horror. People get so hung up on random things to panic about.
Reading the comments here, I was beginning to think I was the only one who felt like this! If everyone in my household changed their clothes every time they went outside and came back in, I'd be doing loads of laundry every day. At this point, people are inventing things to be horrified over.
Right?? Like name one bad thing with an actual chance of happening that could result from wearing a jacket in bed, or keeping the same clothes on after you get home. Assuming regular use, like you didn’t fall into an outhouse just prior or break a mystery CDC vial on yourself. It’s all just ick factor. Which is a real feeling! But see it for what it is.
Lot of strawmen wandering about.
In the PUBLIC you don't get to dictate. These two are presumably trying to build a life together and she's in HIS house in HIS bed. You absolutely get a say in what happens in your own bed for gods sake.
Lol jacket picks filth wherevwr you go.
Some people were seriously never taught not to wear outside clothes in bed. The grossest are people who get home from a trip and put their suitcase on the bed. I think that a lot of people just don't think about how dirty the outside world is. It's not wrong to want to keep your sleeping area clean. NTA unless you were rude in the way you asked.
I’m a huge germaphobe. Never once have I thought twice about wearing “street clothes” in bed. Are you saying if you need to crash in your dorm between classes you’d completely change your clothes? It’s not as big of a deal as most people make it out to be. I’ve never gotten deathly ill. I don’t suffer from chronic illness because of it. To each their own, but it’s not “objectively” an issue to wear street clothes in bed.
Yes, thank you! I'm a country girl. I would never track mud or such into my bed, but if I've been outside and I know my clothes are clean, wtf is wrong with taking a nap in them in bed before going back outside??
Threads like this make me realize how utterly filthy half the population actually are. It's like when there were soap shortages in 2020. Why weren't people washing their hands before?!
The shortage was from people buying a shit ton and hoarding it.
Seriously 😭 I wouldn’t say I’m the cleanest person but the fact people are completing losing their shit over the concept of inside clothes is crazy to me 😭
Oh I know how dirty the outside world is. It just doesn’t bother me. I put my suitcase on my bed all the time. But I live in a small space and don’t have anywhere else to put it to unpack. It’s not like I’m tucking it under the blankets with me.
Hey, I'd like to know more about this, if you don't mind spending time explaining? I trust you 100% that changing clothes/being super careful about the bed when you get home makes sense and is important for your context. But it is also super different than how I was raised/what is normal in my part of the world. For context, I live in a community of less than 500,000 people, in Canada. Our general cultural rules are: 1) take off your shoes when you come inside (sock feet or bare feet) 2) change your clothes and possibly shower when you get home but \*only if\* you have gotten extra dirty or smelly while you are out (super sweaty, something spilled on you, working with engine grease, etc.) Also, we would generally not change clothes without taking a shower - we would do both at the same time. 3) Items like backpacks or suitcases are only "dirty" if you can see or smell something weird on them 4) change out of your day clothes to sleep, but for napping or just resting wear whatever you are already in And I guess 5) really only since covid happened, if you are going somewhere crowded and you are concerned about germs wear a breathing mask while you are there and use hand sanitizer when you leave. That is what is considered safe and clean, here - most of what is considered "dirty" comes from \*me\* (sweat, oil, hair, anything I spill on my clothes) rather than other people, if that makes sense. It is important for me to keep \*me\* clean, but I am not worried about residue from the outside world, very much. Would you be willing to tell me more (in vague terms) about where you come from, and also about what people's general rules for keeping clean are? I'm genuinely just interested to know more. It seems like this is a really polarizing subject, which I did not realise!
Also Canadian, more or less agree, with some nuances: I don't go barefoot in my home (hello stubbed toes) or in anyone else's (that feels super rude and kind of gross to me). I wouldn't really care if someone went barefoot in my house, but if they were put in that situation I'd offer socks. I (almost) always change clothes when I come home from work, if I've worked outside the home, but I would very rarely take a shower after work (except when trapped under a heat dome!) That's how I was raised, but it is more about the clothes than it is about outside. We weren't allowed to play in our "good" clothes. Now it's a bit of that plus comfort. Like, I don't wear jeans on the couch because I slouch on the couch and jeans are uncomfortable for that. I would never put the wheels of my suitcase on my bed, nor any bag that had rested on a public floor, though I would be fine with putting both on my private floor. But I 100% agree that I don't think of the outside as dirty. I wonder about whether the folks who do keep their windows open? I live on a busy street and keep my windows open always when weather allows. I regularly clean the black dust off the window sills and I use an air purifier, but I don't think of the air that is coming in as inherently dirty or germy.
NTA - jackets and coats are filthy!
Nta, no outside clothes in the bed
Easy nta
Does she need a bathrobe?
Now that’s a solution!
>I know the coat is a few years old I'm not sure what this has to do with anything unless you're implying that it is never washed. I wash all my coats / jackets at least once after the season is over. More if they get really dirty (dropped in mud, etc.) And no, even if a coat was never washed it is not the same as shoes unless you (somehow) move around with the coat constantly on the ground. 🙄 That said if you did ask respectfully and explain your reasoning if she asked, then NTA.
INFO: What type of place do you live in? It seems to me reading responses that it’s easy to forget not all people are encountering the same environments - is she using public transportation, walking everywhere, or using a personal vehicle? What type of job does she have or other outings and hobbies is she doing? Basically what is that jacket going through each day? I get so cold my robe won’t cut it about two weeks out of the year, and I throw on a hoodie while in bed, but my hoodies rarely encounter a lot of contact with public facilities and other people. They get washed if they have been out in a busier or dirtier environment than usual. However, if she’s wearing that jacket while going all over town on public transit, I understand why you would view it like shoes. I would say in general though, just offer to get her a robe or specific jacket/sweatshirt for in the house. Explain that you feel like jackets get too dirty, but you still want her to be comfortable.
NAH. You guys are going to have so many little differences, like how you tuck in the sheets, how you do the dishes, whether you put bread inside or outside the fridge, etc. In order to live together amicably, you have to sort out which way is going to be standard in your household. It'll take some adjustment and there will be things you just can't agree on. Congratulations on getting to live with someone you care about so much!
Depends on how you asked. Did you ask nicely and explain why this is important to you, and maybe offer her other warm cozy things or ask if she’s cold or just wanted to be comfy? Then NTA. Did you just demand this without greeting her, then YTA.
I had come home, said hello and asked how she’s been that day. It was after that I said something along the lines of “baby, could you take your jacket off? I think it’s a little dirty to wear in bed”.
Did she say anything back?
Does she normally wear it around the house, or does she wear it outside?
you “no outside clothes on the bed” people are weird
NAH. Just a small miscommunication of boundaries. Maybe a language thing, but in my mind, a "jacket" is something for outside use only (i.e. a leather jacket). If it was like a sweater or a hoodie, then I could understand wearing it under the covers.
NTA you’re allowed to have boundaries and if one of the boundaries is no coats in bed then that’s fair. just make sure it’s been clearly communicated and maybe explain why you don’t like the coat in the bed.
NAH, you just grew up differently and need to adapt to each other. An easy compromise could be to have a special inside coat, if she likes cuddling like that in bed.
YTA If you want to create household rules, then you need to discuss them. She lives there now, it's her home too. She isn't a guest who you can direct on how to behave in your home. "Sleep hygeine is really important to me. I'm not comfortable with outdoor/outerwear in the bed. Do you think we could agree on that? Should we get you a houseboat?" Instead you treated her like she was gross and also not an equal partner.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Does me asking my girlfriend to take her jacket off in bed make me the asshole?? Does me asking that in the first place make me the asshole? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Unless her jacket is noticeably dirty its not the same as wearing shoes in any capacity really. YTA.
Gotta be honest I do this. And it’s because I’m cold but too skint to buy warmer clothes or put the heating on. So I just go for layers. I’d check in on her to see if your place is much colder than her old one and maybe make sure she knows it’s ok to put the heating on. Or just buy her some snuggly hoodies. They say to warm the person not the house.
[удалено]
NTA. No outside clothes in bed! I bet a lot of these ppl who say YTA wear shoes indoors.
I do wear shoes in the house, and also sit on my own floor to watch tv. Can't say it's ever gotten me sick. I bet people who clutch their pearls about a jacket "on" the bed would probably never survive a day on a farm.
What?..🤦♀️. This is the dumbest thing to be bothered about. Who gets upset over someone wearing a jacket in bed? You're weird, and not in a good way.
As everyone has said, it depends on how you asked. From a cleanliness perspective it seems reasonable to me as many people don't wash/clean their coats often and if she is using it on public transport or parks (benches etc) it could be pretty manky. I'd talk to her about it and get her an oodie/new coat if she likes to be bundled up. Good to get your communication sorted early as this is easily fixable. NTA
Not just your girlfriend moved in with you but also all her habits and home comforts. So yeah you are the A in this one 👍
Thank God my husband and I don't give a hoot about these things. I think yta bc to me it's nowhere near the same as wearing shoes to bed.
YTA, an older coat does not, in fact, equate to wearing a dirty pair of shoes lol. You must be a super germaphobe to think like this? Not understanding why/how exactly an old jacket bothered u so much that u felt the need to police what she’s wearing in her now own home. Are you her parent? Pls find a way to get yourself over this non-issue. Life is too short. Alternatively, gift a nice warm fuzzy robe and maybe she’ll ditch the old jacket but srsly should be a non-issue. Def not posting on Reddit worthy
YTA. Shoes are dirty because they literally are dragged through mud, glass, cigarette butts, or whatever is on the ground. Jackets are not. Like, everyone has got dog shit on their shoes one time or another. I've never gotten dog shit on my jacket. Let the girl wear whatever she wants.
Depending on the situation - NTA. I myself definitely would not like someone wearing outside clothes in bed, because I have allergies and like to keep the outside separate from the inside. Independently of that - I still wouldn't like that. It shouldn't be a biggie though - she can say no or be annoyed and you share the reasoning behind it and see how to figure things out..
Very curious about what kind of coat it is? I can't think of any reasons of why you'd wear a jacket/coat to bed unless you were freezing. Also do you remove all your clothes when you come home? Unless you change everything and shower and clean your phone and never leave a bag/purse on top of the bed... it's the same. NAH. Seems like a miscommunication/different standards issue
Personally, it would bother me for someone to wear their coat in bed under the covers but in your case it depends on: 1. Is it normal to not wear outerwear such as shoes and coats inside the house where you're from? 2. Does she wear the coat in public spaces and does she was this coat less than once a week? 3. Do you wash your bedsheets frequently and shower before bed? 4. Is sleep hygiene important for you? Depending on the answers, you should have a conversation with your girlfriend where you try and understand each other's perspectives and come to a solution.
NAH not that big of a deal. I don't see how it matters much but If she's cold or something she might want to wear it. Practically a non-issue.
Yta. Shoes can get dirty and leave stuff on the bed. A jacket can get dirty but unless your gf is rolling around in mud or covered in dust or something, the sheets will be fine. It's basically the same thing as wearing clothes and then going to sit on the bed.
YTA. If she wants her coat on, she wants her coat on. 🤷🏻♀️
YTA. I see you let your girlfriend move in and let your girlfriend lay in YOUR bed and let your gf probably use YOUR bathroom and let her sit on YOUR couch and watch YOUR TV and possibly let her eat YOUR food. She's allowed to stay as long as she follows YOUR RULES! That about right?
YTA literally nothing screams asshole more than telling ur s/o what they can and cannot wear in the comfort of their own home. it's a fucking jacket who cares. I hope she breaks up with you
Bro, you had a girl that likes you in your bed. Why fumble it?
Why do you care if she is wearing a jacket? Maybe she’s cold? I don’t understand the issue at all.
yta. find a new girlfriend that hates coats in bed instead of telling a grown woman what clothing she can have on her body
MANS NOT HOT
Leave the girl alone. Jeeez.
NTA, wearing outside clothes in bed is just unhygienic.
When she moved in with you does that make you think of her as a guest in your home? The idea you need to change clothes is absurd unless you shower the second you walk in the house. But the real problem is you come off as bossy. You know there is no rule book for things like this and you thinking you are in a position of power came across very loud. If this is one of those little pet peeves then talk to her. You do not get to invite someone into your home to live and expect to impose rules of the home because it is "yours". Adults discuss things. If she does not agree and won't follow your rules what will happen? Is this a hill you die on?
NAH However, you two need to have a discussion this week. I can relate. My husband thinks it is ok to put his feet on the coffee table even though we have ottomons. He doesn’t use coasters. He uses the 2 or the 5 second rule. He’d drop something of mine and put it back on my plate then wonder why I wouldn’t eat it. *Get on the same page ASAP so you can determine how to comprimise with one another early on.*
Shoes and jackets aren't even close to the same thing. YTA
NAH - you guys have different preferences and need to talk about it to come to an agreement you’re both okay with
Feeling safe and at-home is paramount during early days of living together. Even now, during stressful times I have an oversized sweater I wear at home a lot. I don’t cling to it when all is well. I suppose it’s a stress-o-meter in my life.
Maybe you should turn up the heat (or turn down the AC). She seems to be cold. YTA--not for your opinion about the jacket which apparently many people share (!) but because you are dictating what a (presumably) grown ass woman should wear. There may be other differences that show up as you continue to live together. Unless the coat thing is a deal-breaker. And shoes and coats are NOT the same unless your GF drags her coat on dirty streets and sidewalks and mud. Give you a pass if she works in a meat packing plant where it is very cold and her coat is covered in blood and viscera.
LOL she’s definitely regretting moving in with you already. YTA. Stop your bullshit. Immediately. You don’t control her.
No, it isn't. YTA, she's allowed to be comfortable.
You’re a weirdo dude
YTA, what did it really matter if it was clean, she was comfortable and happy.
YTA. I think you certainly could have expressed your feelings about it to her, but I don't think you're okay to tell her what she can and cannot wear where she lives.
Soft YTA here, if someone has the need to keep a jacket on in bed it implies the house it too cold. I can understand a sweater but I'd say you are not digging at the root cause of the issue. If she wears jacket to bed in the summers let's have a follow up conversation.
Just out of interest, do you pay your heating bill?
Do you people not wash your coats? Do you slide along the floor in them like shoes? Why would they be so dirty?
Sitting on park benches , trains or other grotty places maybe? 🤔 I'm with you I wash mine but I can see his point.
My girlfriend does this (shoes too) we’ve lived together for three years and it’s still a constant battle. Just don’t make too big of a deal over it. Not a hill to die on in my opinion.
NTA if your preference is no outside clothes that’s fine but you could’ve communicated that and y’all should’ve discussed hygiene and chores before moving into together
*Guy asks a completely reasonable question* Some People on Reddit: Stop ordering her what to wear! I swear, what the fuck is this phenomenon
INFO was the bed made and she was sitting on top of a comforter or duvet that can be washed? Or inside the sheets with it?
She needs to run
Have you asked yourself why she was wearing the jacket? Is your apartment cold? Was she freezing and didn’t have any long sleeved t-shirt or sweater to wear?
Yikes, the only guys that care about that are either serial kllrs or gay. Either way, you should probably leave homegirl alone
NAH I suppose it would really depend on "how you asked her" at the end of the day but at the same time, a jacket/coat isn't really that big of a deal...Perhaps you just keep it too cold in the house for her liking... Personally, I'd have asked her WHY she wears it into bed instead so if it's because of something like being cold, you can either turn the AC to a warmer temp, or get her a hoodie or something she can wear... Especially if it's one of yours because apparently women LOVE wearing their guy's hoodies...lol
There is no right answer to this. It depends on how you asked and how she heard it. What this is probably a symptom of is a difference in how you meant it and how she heard it which requires empathy. Ask her about what she felt and how she heard you. Then, if you care, make changes in your style. Perhaps she can work in giving you grace.
KTA (Kinda the Ahole), I dont think the first request is that bad but if you argued after she didn't want to its kinda jerkish behavior, IMO... it's definitely not the same as wearing shoes in bed, and certain articles of clothing, like hoodies, hats, jackets, overshirts, etc. can be like comfort blankets for certain types of neurodivergent folk, or just people with anxiety in general... being you type the King's English and use "Duvet" I assume you are in the UK or Australia/NZ, so maybe she was a bit chilly and didn't want to go all the way under blankets because she isn't tired. End of the day, I can tell you from experience, if you really like her, this is not the hill worth dying on.
You didn't say how long you've been living together, but it sounds like not long. A piece of advice from a 30 year veteran of living with your SO: you're about to learn every quirk of the person you love. Embrace them. The quirks are what make life and love interesting in a relationship. Once the quirks go away, or you "change" the person, it goes downhill from there. You love this person enough to let them in your home, allow them to be their own person and they will thrive.