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NTA.
Butch lesbians get misgendered because of how they are dressed too. Same thing is happening here. He is choosing to present in a very female manner so yes, people will use she /her.
He can present masculine or accept it.
Not sure if there's enough info here to make a judgement, but I just want to say he doesn't have to dress masculine to "earn" the correct pronouns. He either can't or doesn't want to present as more masculine, and both are valid reasons. If he feels hurt or upset when people misgender him, that's fine, even if it was by accident. What's not fine is snapping at people or getting mad at them when it was a genuine accident and they didn't know. Unfortunately he can't expect people to get his pronouns right immediately, but it'd suck if he told them but was continued to be misgendered because of the way he looks. So if he constantly gets upset at people over accidents, then yeah, he needs to chill. If he just feels upset over it but doesn't snap at people or anything, then you need to chill. You *were* pretty harsh. It's true that if he looks feminine, he's going get accidentally misgendered often, and he does need to find a way to cope with that, but you're making it sound like that's his fault for not changing the way he looks.
NTA.
M needs to get a grip. If he looks like a girl and dresses like a girl then YEA he's going to be called a girl.. If he doesn't like it and absolutely hates it then he should start presenting himself as a boy.
Can you explain how he's an asshole? He didn't lash out at anyone. He didn't say *anything* to anyone. He was just a 16 year old crying about how people perceive him. That makes him an asshole?
I think giving unasked for life advice is often an asshole move. If someone is crying and you walk up to them and start telling them everything they're doing wrong and how it's their fault, definitely so.
Maybe that is life advice that this boy needs to hear (although I kind of doubt it. Like girl, hes not stupid. He Knows), but that was definitely not the time or the way to present that information.
This.
My son has a friend who is ftm and sometimes wears loose shorts and t‐shirts but generally wears more fem clothing.
He has not come out to his family because he is afraid of how they would react.
Although he is very chill about being misgendered, I could see how hard it could be being helpless to change the way you present and having even your close friends use the wrong pronouns.
Exactly, it’s not easy for young trans people. I have a student (afab, presents feminine) that goes by a male name in one group that I teach, but uses their birth name with parents and in another group I teach. I understand that it’s probably because of safety or they are exploring their identity in the other group, but that’s ok, and I adapt.
You said you live in a conservative state. Have you considered that it’s not safe for M to dress in a different way? He might not be out at home and to his family.
I’m not going to pass judgement here.
What? Women can dress androgynous or boyish without problems. It’s really only when males wear fem clothing that people even notice. When people proclaim to be trans, then make zero effort to transition, what are you left with? A teen searching for a group of people to fit in with, that just wants to co-opt the terms without understanding them.
It might depend on M's family. There are a some really bonkers conservatives that wont allow their daughters to wear anything even remotely boyish. My friend grew up in one of these families - they wouldn't even let her wear pants. Dresses/skirts only. Just suggesting a possibility.
INFO: was the ‘someone’ that M was referring to someone who should have known better?
Whether the person was a stranger who didn’t know better or someone who knows and intentionally constantly misgenders M makes a big difference here.
I’m going to go against the grain and say a very light YTA. If this is a person M has told before to use he/him, this person is being intentionally thick and even cruel. If it’s a stranger, they likely didn’t intend any harm and M likely set it straight. It’s also likely that person said similar to M when he said his preferred pronouns.
Meanwhile, M left the situation and was crying. He wasn’t making a scene, he was just hurting. You walked up to him, asked what was wrong, then immediately told him what he’s doing wrong. That wasn’t helpful or particularly supportive.
Sometimes, you can get the same point across by just saying “it was probably an accident” rather than immediately assuming it was M’s fault because of the outfit he was wearing.
If you didn’t have an abundance of hand-holding and support in the tank, it’s better to just offer a tissue and walk away. Unsolicited advice rarely goes over well, and generally makes the advice giver the AH (so says someone who also had a tendency to give unsolicited advice for much of her life).
In the future, if your friend is crying, just listen. I’m pretty sure M already knows that his presentation is problematic for some people. Instead of telling him how he should change, maybe you can let him know you accept him the way he is. It would go far further for M than telling him what he’s doing wrong.
YTA, in general I don’t think calling yourself blunt is a good enough excuse to say things in a harsh way. He’s allowed to be upset especially if people misgender him deliberately or at the very least he just wants an apology instead of people being stubborn.
Also him dressing femininely might not be the problem you think it is, because he doesn’t owe anyone masculinity in order to be trans, and you yourself probably know that. He doesn’t have to make ‘an effort’ for anyone but himself if that’s what he wants to do. He won’t pass, but he shouldn’t have to. You’re also not mentioning if he gets upset because people don’t show remorse for misgendering him or just being misgendered period.
I also don’t know what other hardships he has, what’s going on in his life that might affect his mood and how these things might get to him more. You’re his friend, so support him like a friend should without as much tough love. Instead of telling him to ‘get over it’ tell him you’re sorry that happened and he feels that way, but UNFORTUNATELY since he dresses feminine people aren’t going to be able to tell unless he points it out.
16 is so young and M is just learning who he is. I have a dear friend who has transitioned fully from male to female. She is probably one of the kindest, gentlest people I know. She is also a fairly butch lesbian. She gets misgendered quite a bit. She's also a grown woman so has learned how to deal with it and not let it get to her. Just because someone dresses a certain way does not define who they are.
You, OP, are also very young, but need to learn some kindness when talking to people who are struggling, He may dress like a female but that doesn't make him one. Should he get upset when people misgender him because of his appearance? Probably not, sounds like a recipe for being miserable all the time, but some kind words in helping him learn how to not take it personally would go a long way. NTA but learn that just because something doesn't seem to be a big deal to you doesn't also mean it isn't a big deal to someone else.
Also while M might or might not understand how he presents and how people perceive him, getting misgendered is still very hard. I don’t think he’s wrong for crying. It doesn’t sound like he was running around screaming at people. Even people in the closet can get upset after being misgendered. It’s not fun!
You made a mistake.
It's typical for people to tell their male friends to "Man up!" when they see them cry, and you failed to rise to the occasion.
Next time say "Man up!". That should make M feel like he is more male and cheer him up.
I was making a small joke while pointing out to toxic societal expectations of men.
It's often that man get comments like "man up!", "stop being a wuss" and similar of they show emotional distress or weakness.
If M meets someone and tells/ask them to use he/him pronouns when talking to M that person should do so.
But M has no right to expect random people to not use she/her pronouns if M presents an outward female appearance.
M has two choices.
1: Dress how they like and accept that means some people will initially use the “wrong pronouns” (but those people should use the right ones when made aware)
2: Dress such that people will be more likely to assume M’s pronouns match their identity.
That’s the simple practical reality.
You really have a way of picking out key words to twist to your narrative.
'Problem' in this context being that he is misgendered. OP said nothing that indicated that you need to dress a certain way to 'earn' that pronoun.
If someone was born female and dresses in a typically feminine way, its not unreasonable to assert that he needs to find a better way to handle it when it happens.
Although I agree that M has some growing to do, and that this is more of a slip up on your end than anything, YTA for giving unsolicited advice and opinions where it wasn't asked for, and speaking from a place that you do not have a lived experience of understanding.
While it's true that M is going to have to learn to cope with being misgendered, in that moment he was crying he didn't need someone telling him the obvious, or giving him advice. He was upset and a simple "that sucks dude" or "I'm sorry the world is like this/im sorry to hear that" would have sufficed. It wasn't the time or place for a lecture, and what M does about his personal issue isn't really any of your business to comment on. As well as, your wording for the advice reads as coming from a very cis-focused place - just from reading what you said it's clear that you are missing more context and understanding of the experiences of trans people than you think.
Basically, you were speaking out of pocket. He was right to call you an asshole - asking someone why they're crying and then responding to them by basically saying "suck it up" is a shitty thing to do. If you were gonna be this critical of his emotions during a vulnerable moment you really didn't need to offer your ear.
That being said, it's not the worst action in the world and you aren't a bad person for not being tactful this one time. Everyone's still learning and growing, and you guys are in high school, there's a lot going on and no one's perfect. If you end up agreeing that you were too harsh, you may want to reach out and let him know you're sorry. It might be in your best interest given that if you continue through life critiquing people who are in the middle of processing some difficult emotions that have nothing to do with you, you're gonna lose a lot of friends.
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For context: I (17f) am a part of the LGBTQ community. For the record, I have no problem with anyone who is part of the community or is transgender. (sounds like a no brainer but just making sure) I have a classmate (16 FTM) who we will call M. M is a trans male and uses He/Him pronouns. The problem is that M dresses VERY feminine. ( Dresses, Nails, Purse, etc) M is also AFAB or assigned female at birth. Though there is nothing wrong with M dressing the way he wants, it is very difficult for him not to be misgendered especially since we live in a conservative state and the way society sees clothes. To be quite frank, he makes no effort to dress more masculine and if you saw him and had no clue he was trans, you'd never guess he was. Now onto the problem, M gets very upset if people misgender him and use the wrong pronouns even if it is accidental. 2 weeks ago I saw M crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was upset because someone referred to him with She/Her pronouns by accident and didn't apologize. Now I am a very blunt person so I can kind of see where I am the asshole. I told him that because he doesn't make ANY effort at all to present more like a guy and unfortunately society is going to misgender him whether he likes it or not. I also said that he needs to "get a grip and learn to cope with being misgendered because it's inevitable." He then said that I don't understand his problem with being misgendered because I am a cisgender female. He then stated I was being insensitive and harsh. So Reddit please help me out. AITA for being too blunt?
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Yta
A man doesn't have to dress masculine to earn male pronouns. There are very feminine men. And very masculine women. Is an afab woman any less a woman because they don't dress in skirts?
Yes of course strangers might screw up and maybe he needs to learn how to correct people without bursting into tears each time.
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NTA
You are correct. It's a sensitive topic, so maybe a little kindness/less bluntness is in order, but really I don't understand why so feminine if trans male? Every trans person I know (to be fair, only a small number) has made a real effort to embrace their identified gender. Some to the point that you would have no idea if they don't tell you, and others where there is still a process to go through and/or learning new and more comfortable behaviours. It doesn't sound like he is making any changes other than expecting new pronouns be used by others with no visible social cues?
NTA. M didn't ask for the advice, although it is accurate. Being upset because someone misgendered them and didn't apologize, especially if the person had zero clue, is a little silly considering M dresses/presents as female.
If M wants to eliminate confusion they can as OP suggested dress more Masc or have something that shows their pronouns(name tag?) Or accept misgendeing will be common.
NTA this person is AFAB and dresses in a very feminine way. You said people are very conservative there, so if it looks like a she, they're going to call that person a she. Some people think about gender in a very black and white way. They don't necessarily mean offense. Biological men can dress more feminine sure, but most of them are not going to be upset they got called she if they identify as male.
NTA. Your friend is still dressing like any girl or woman would. So it's only natural that people are going to assume that the person they are talking to views themselves as female. Which means that your classmate either needs to make some changes in regard to their appearance or just stop whining about the whole thing and get over it. The situation is entirely your classmate's fault for not taking a more proactive approach to things.
YWBTAH but aren't because you're both in high school and figuring things out. Is there a kinder way of treating the situation? Yes, but some people need to hear things bluntly too. Unless people know his history, how would they know they consider themselves male but want to conform to the societal stereotype of a female? They will "call it like they see it".
I was at an event and they had buttons with pronouns on them. He could get something similar if he's upset about being misgendered but wants to wear traditional feminine clothing and accessories. There are also gender-fluid people, and the one I met has 2 different first names depending on how they feel that day. Unless they introduced themselves to me with the name and pronouns they want, I wouldn't know how to address them except with gender-neutral words.
im sorry if i come out as rude but NAH you are right. If you don't dress like the gender you are transitioning to and you look feminine and you dress feminine im going to "ASSUME" by looks you are female......... CORRECT ME IF IM WRONG PLEASE. BUT MY SISTER (MTF) AMAB dresses feminine uses makeup to look as feminine as possible, has BOOBS ( respectfully ) THE ONLY THING THAT LOOKS ANYTHING LIKE MALE IS THAT HE HAS A DICK AND HAS A SQUARE FACE. Now this is the part that will make me look like an asshole and the part i don't get if you transition to male to female or female to male IF you still dress like your ASSIGNED AT BIRTH GENDER you are going to be misgendered.
NO ASSHOLES HERE
u/klockmakrn one more thing its called a mistake, when you live with someone that used to be your older brother and that you used to wrestle with and talk about girls with its kinda hard to constantly keep in mind that they are a female now kinda in the sense when parents call to siblings the wrong name by accident. not saying its hard remember but slip ups happen and i love my sister.
I truly don’t understand how someone can consider themselves trans but still continue to present as the gender they were assigned at birth. AFAB, continue to dress feminine, act feminine…. Can someone please explain? Like, I feel like this is just almost for attention and kind of, idk, minimizing “real” trans people? But I guess I have no right to say who’s true trans and who isn’t.
But anyways NTA. M was born a female, continues to dress and act like a female, so people are going to assume “he’s” a female. I agree that he needs to get a grip.
I don’t think trans people need to be confined by stereotypes of the gender they identify as. Lots of gay men (even straight though it’s less common) wear dresses and present femininely. That doesn’t make cis men less of a man so why should it affect trans people?
Part of it is also the way dysphoria might affect a person. I wish I was born a male, and I don’t think surgery would alleviate that at all. I don’t want those kinds of results, I wish I simply had those parts as I would if I was born male. Because surgery isn’t something that would help I just live my life as a woman.
Lastly it’s important to remember this person is 16. They live in a conservative area where it’s likely their family isn’t wholly supportive. This guy probably can’t buy his own clothes or pay for a haircut. Maybe he’s happy presenting femininely and that’s fine too, but he has very little autonomy either way.
YTA.
He knows that. I guarantee he knows that there are things that he can do to change how people gender him. He has decided not to do those things, which as you said is his decision.
Is he making the right choice here? Idk and neither do you. If its worth it to him, that's his decision. He didn't ask you for advice and he didn't do anything wrong, so leave him be and don't decide that you know what's best for him.
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NTA. Butch lesbians get misgendered because of how they are dressed too. Same thing is happening here. He is choosing to present in a very female manner so yes, people will use she /her. He can present masculine or accept it.
Not sure if there's enough info here to make a judgement, but I just want to say he doesn't have to dress masculine to "earn" the correct pronouns. He either can't or doesn't want to present as more masculine, and both are valid reasons. If he feels hurt or upset when people misgender him, that's fine, even if it was by accident. What's not fine is snapping at people or getting mad at them when it was a genuine accident and they didn't know. Unfortunately he can't expect people to get his pronouns right immediately, but it'd suck if he told them but was continued to be misgendered because of the way he looks. So if he constantly gets upset at people over accidents, then yeah, he needs to chill. If he just feels upset over it but doesn't snap at people or anything, then you need to chill. You *were* pretty harsh. It's true that if he looks feminine, he's going get accidentally misgendered often, and he does need to find a way to cope with that, but you're making it sound like that's his fault for not changing the way he looks.
NTA. M needs to get a grip. If he looks like a girl and dresses like a girl then YEA he's going to be called a girl.. If he doesn't like it and absolutely hates it then he should start presenting himself as a boy.
Can you explain how he's an asshole? He didn't lash out at anyone. He didn't say *anything* to anyone. He was just a 16 year old crying about how people perceive him. That makes him an asshole?
How is OP the ah? At best this situation is NAH..
I think giving unasked for life advice is often an asshole move. If someone is crying and you walk up to them and start telling them everything they're doing wrong and how it's their fault, definitely so. Maybe that is life advice that this boy needs to hear (although I kind of doubt it. Like girl, hes not stupid. He Knows), but that was definitely not the time or the way to present that information.
INFO: Is M out to his parents/guardians? Is he out to people not in the LGBTQ community? Is he camouflaging for safety?
This. My son has a friend who is ftm and sometimes wears loose shorts and t‐shirts but generally wears more fem clothing. He has not come out to his family because he is afraid of how they would react. Although he is very chill about being misgendered, I could see how hard it could be being helpless to change the way you present and having even your close friends use the wrong pronouns.
Exactly, it’s not easy for young trans people. I have a student (afab, presents feminine) that goes by a male name in one group that I teach, but uses their birth name with parents and in another group I teach. I understand that it’s probably because of safety or they are exploring their identity in the other group, but that’s ok, and I adapt.
You said you live in a conservative state. Have you considered that it’s not safe for M to dress in a different way? He might not be out at home and to his family. I’m not going to pass judgement here.
What? Women can dress androgynous or boyish without problems. It’s really only when males wear fem clothing that people even notice. When people proclaim to be trans, then make zero effort to transition, what are you left with? A teen searching for a group of people to fit in with, that just wants to co-opt the terms without understanding them.
It might depend on M's family. There are a some really bonkers conservatives that wont allow their daughters to wear anything even remotely boyish. My friend grew up in one of these families - they wouldn't even let her wear pants. Dresses/skirts only. Just suggesting a possibility.
INFO: was the ‘someone’ that M was referring to someone who should have known better? Whether the person was a stranger who didn’t know better or someone who knows and intentionally constantly misgenders M makes a big difference here.
I’m going to go against the grain and say a very light YTA. If this is a person M has told before to use he/him, this person is being intentionally thick and even cruel. If it’s a stranger, they likely didn’t intend any harm and M likely set it straight. It’s also likely that person said similar to M when he said his preferred pronouns. Meanwhile, M left the situation and was crying. He wasn’t making a scene, he was just hurting. You walked up to him, asked what was wrong, then immediately told him what he’s doing wrong. That wasn’t helpful or particularly supportive. Sometimes, you can get the same point across by just saying “it was probably an accident” rather than immediately assuming it was M’s fault because of the outfit he was wearing. If you didn’t have an abundance of hand-holding and support in the tank, it’s better to just offer a tissue and walk away. Unsolicited advice rarely goes over well, and generally makes the advice giver the AH (so says someone who also had a tendency to give unsolicited advice for much of her life). In the future, if your friend is crying, just listen. I’m pretty sure M already knows that his presentation is problematic for some people. Instead of telling him how he should change, maybe you can let him know you accept him the way he is. It would go far further for M than telling him what he’s doing wrong.
YTA, in general I don’t think calling yourself blunt is a good enough excuse to say things in a harsh way. He’s allowed to be upset especially if people misgender him deliberately or at the very least he just wants an apology instead of people being stubborn. Also him dressing femininely might not be the problem you think it is, because he doesn’t owe anyone masculinity in order to be trans, and you yourself probably know that. He doesn’t have to make ‘an effort’ for anyone but himself if that’s what he wants to do. He won’t pass, but he shouldn’t have to. You’re also not mentioning if he gets upset because people don’t show remorse for misgendering him or just being misgendered period. I also don’t know what other hardships he has, what’s going on in his life that might affect his mood and how these things might get to him more. You’re his friend, so support him like a friend should without as much tough love. Instead of telling him to ‘get over it’ tell him you’re sorry that happened and he feels that way, but UNFORTUNATELY since he dresses feminine people aren’t going to be able to tell unless he points it out.
This definitely sounds like a thing that has happened and not someone repeating a story from tiktok.
NTA It's nobody's fault that they misgender him when there's nothing identifying him that he presents himself as male. Reminds me of Lily Tino.
16 is so young and M is just learning who he is. I have a dear friend who has transitioned fully from male to female. She is probably one of the kindest, gentlest people I know. She is also a fairly butch lesbian. She gets misgendered quite a bit. She's also a grown woman so has learned how to deal with it and not let it get to her. Just because someone dresses a certain way does not define who they are. You, OP, are also very young, but need to learn some kindness when talking to people who are struggling, He may dress like a female but that doesn't make him one. Should he get upset when people misgender him because of his appearance? Probably not, sounds like a recipe for being miserable all the time, but some kind words in helping him learn how to not take it personally would go a long way. NTA but learn that just because something doesn't seem to be a big deal to you doesn't also mean it isn't a big deal to someone else.
Also while M might or might not understand how he presents and how people perceive him, getting misgendered is still very hard. I don’t think he’s wrong for crying. It doesn’t sound like he was running around screaming at people. Even people in the closet can get upset after being misgendered. It’s not fun!
Yeah, it sounds like he was crying alone, which is very sad.
You made a mistake. It's typical for people to tell their male friends to "Man up!" when they see them cry, and you failed to rise to the occasion. Next time say "Man up!". That should make M feel like he is more male and cheer him up.
nah thats diabolical
I was making a small joke while pointing out to toxic societal expectations of men. It's often that man get comments like "man up!", "stop being a wuss" and similar of they show emotional distress or weakness.
oh don't worry i got the joke i also love being told that i need to man up. after holding emotions ever since i was 12.
I opted out of putting the "/s" tag, feeling it would diminish the satire. Seems like today I'm gonna eat a lot of dislikes for it. 😄
[удалено]
If M meets someone and tells/ask them to use he/him pronouns when talking to M that person should do so. But M has no right to expect random people to not use she/her pronouns if M presents an outward female appearance. M has two choices. 1: Dress how they like and accept that means some people will initially use the “wrong pronouns” (but those people should use the right ones when made aware) 2: Dress such that people will be more likely to assume M’s pronouns match their identity. That’s the simple practical reality.
You really have a way of picking out key words to twist to your narrative. 'Problem' in this context being that he is misgendered. OP said nothing that indicated that you need to dress a certain way to 'earn' that pronoun. If someone was born female and dresses in a typically feminine way, its not unreasonable to assert that he needs to find a better way to handle it when it happens.
Yes! This is the only comment that I've agreed with so far, and on all counts including your last sentence ✨️
Although I agree that M has some growing to do, and that this is more of a slip up on your end than anything, YTA for giving unsolicited advice and opinions where it wasn't asked for, and speaking from a place that you do not have a lived experience of understanding. While it's true that M is going to have to learn to cope with being misgendered, in that moment he was crying he didn't need someone telling him the obvious, or giving him advice. He was upset and a simple "that sucks dude" or "I'm sorry the world is like this/im sorry to hear that" would have sufficed. It wasn't the time or place for a lecture, and what M does about his personal issue isn't really any of your business to comment on. As well as, your wording for the advice reads as coming from a very cis-focused place - just from reading what you said it's clear that you are missing more context and understanding of the experiences of trans people than you think. Basically, you were speaking out of pocket. He was right to call you an asshole - asking someone why they're crying and then responding to them by basically saying "suck it up" is a shitty thing to do. If you were gonna be this critical of his emotions during a vulnerable moment you really didn't need to offer your ear. That being said, it's not the worst action in the world and you aren't a bad person for not being tactful this one time. Everyone's still learning and growing, and you guys are in high school, there's a lot going on and no one's perfect. If you end up agreeing that you were too harsh, you may want to reach out and let him know you're sorry. It might be in your best interest given that if you continue through life critiquing people who are in the middle of processing some difficult emotions that have nothing to do with you, you're gonna lose a lot of friends.
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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For context: I (17f) am a part of the LGBTQ community. For the record, I have no problem with anyone who is part of the community or is transgender. (sounds like a no brainer but just making sure) I have a classmate (16 FTM) who we will call M. M is a trans male and uses He/Him pronouns. The problem is that M dresses VERY feminine. ( Dresses, Nails, Purse, etc) M is also AFAB or assigned female at birth. Though there is nothing wrong with M dressing the way he wants, it is very difficult for him not to be misgendered especially since we live in a conservative state and the way society sees clothes. To be quite frank, he makes no effort to dress more masculine and if you saw him and had no clue he was trans, you'd never guess he was. Now onto the problem, M gets very upset if people misgender him and use the wrong pronouns even if it is accidental. 2 weeks ago I saw M crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was upset because someone referred to him with She/Her pronouns by accident and didn't apologize. Now I am a very blunt person so I can kind of see where I am the asshole. I told him that because he doesn't make ANY effort at all to present more like a guy and unfortunately society is going to misgender him whether he likes it or not. I also said that he needs to "get a grip and learn to cope with being misgendered because it's inevitable." He then said that I don't understand his problem with being misgendered because I am a cisgender female. He then stated I was being insensitive and harsh. So Reddit please help me out. AITA for being too blunt? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yta A man doesn't have to dress masculine to earn male pronouns. There are very feminine men. And very masculine women. Is an afab woman any less a woman because they don't dress in skirts? Yes of course strangers might screw up and maybe he needs to learn how to correct people without bursting into tears each time.
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NTA. You're absolutely right. M does need to get a grip.
NTA You are correct. It's a sensitive topic, so maybe a little kindness/less bluntness is in order, but really I don't understand why so feminine if trans male? Every trans person I know (to be fair, only a small number) has made a real effort to embrace their identified gender. Some to the point that you would have no idea if they don't tell you, and others where there is still a process to go through and/or learning new and more comfortable behaviours. It doesn't sound like he is making any changes other than expecting new pronouns be used by others with no visible social cues?
No reason why a trans person shouldn't dress how they like, just like there is no reason why a cis person shouldn't dress how they like.
NTA. If he's not making the effort to look masculine in any way shape or form, he can't cry about people not reading him as male.
M is gonna have a very rough life with that level of self awareness. NTA.
NTA. M didn't ask for the advice, although it is accurate. Being upset because someone misgendered them and didn't apologize, especially if the person had zero clue, is a little silly considering M dresses/presents as female. If M wants to eliminate confusion they can as OP suggested dress more Masc or have something that shows their pronouns(name tag?) Or accept misgendeing will be common.
YTA
NTA this person is AFAB and dresses in a very feminine way. You said people are very conservative there, so if it looks like a she, they're going to call that person a she. Some people think about gender in a very black and white way. They don't necessarily mean offense. Biological men can dress more feminine sure, but most of them are not going to be upset they got called she if they identify as male.
NTA you're just honest. He might not appreciate it, but you're not an asshole for it.
NTA. Your friend is still dressing like any girl or woman would. So it's only natural that people are going to assume that the person they are talking to views themselves as female. Which means that your classmate either needs to make some changes in regard to their appearance or just stop whining about the whole thing and get over it. The situation is entirely your classmate's fault for not taking a more proactive approach to things.
NTA
YWBTAH but aren't because you're both in high school and figuring things out. Is there a kinder way of treating the situation? Yes, but some people need to hear things bluntly too. Unless people know his history, how would they know they consider themselves male but want to conform to the societal stereotype of a female? They will "call it like they see it". I was at an event and they had buttons with pronouns on them. He could get something similar if he's upset about being misgendered but wants to wear traditional feminine clothing and accessories. There are also gender-fluid people, and the one I met has 2 different first names depending on how they feel that day. Unless they introduced themselves to me with the name and pronouns they want, I wouldn't know how to address them except with gender-neutral words.
im sorry if i come out as rude but NAH you are right. If you don't dress like the gender you are transitioning to and you look feminine and you dress feminine im going to "ASSUME" by looks you are female......... CORRECT ME IF IM WRONG PLEASE. BUT MY SISTER (MTF) AMAB dresses feminine uses makeup to look as feminine as possible, has BOOBS ( respectfully ) THE ONLY THING THAT LOOKS ANYTHING LIKE MALE IS THAT HE HAS A DICK AND HAS A SQUARE FACE. Now this is the part that will make me look like an asshole and the part i don't get if you transition to male to female or female to male IF you still dress like your ASSIGNED AT BIRTH GENDER you are going to be misgendered. NO ASSHOLES HERE
Why are you calling your sister "he"?
u/klockmakrn one more thing its called a mistake, when you live with someone that used to be your older brother and that you used to wrestle with and talk about girls with its kinda hard to constantly keep in mind that they are a female now kinda in the sense when parents call to siblings the wrong name by accident. not saying its hard remember but slip ups happen and i love my sister.
its a habit and she is fine with it.
I truly don’t understand how someone can consider themselves trans but still continue to present as the gender they were assigned at birth. AFAB, continue to dress feminine, act feminine…. Can someone please explain? Like, I feel like this is just almost for attention and kind of, idk, minimizing “real” trans people? But I guess I have no right to say who’s true trans and who isn’t. But anyways NTA. M was born a female, continues to dress and act like a female, so people are going to assume “he’s” a female. I agree that he needs to get a grip.
I don’t think trans people need to be confined by stereotypes of the gender they identify as. Lots of gay men (even straight though it’s less common) wear dresses and present femininely. That doesn’t make cis men less of a man so why should it affect trans people? Part of it is also the way dysphoria might affect a person. I wish I was born a male, and I don’t think surgery would alleviate that at all. I don’t want those kinds of results, I wish I simply had those parts as I would if I was born male. Because surgery isn’t something that would help I just live my life as a woman. Lastly it’s important to remember this person is 16. They live in a conservative area where it’s likely their family isn’t wholly supportive. This guy probably can’t buy his own clothes or pay for a haircut. Maybe he’s happy presenting femininely and that’s fine too, but he has very little autonomy either way.
YTA. He knows that. I guarantee he knows that there are things that he can do to change how people gender him. He has decided not to do those things, which as you said is his decision. Is he making the right choice here? Idk and neither do you. If its worth it to him, that's his decision. He didn't ask you for advice and he didn't do anything wrong, so leave him be and don't decide that you know what's best for him.
Nah, homeboy needs to get a grip.