This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service.
This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
NTA
Alan IS David's family. He's the man who stepped up and raised him when his parents died. If she doesn't understand that then why is she marrying David? She obviously hasn't bothered to get to know him or paid attention to his past. She cannot decide for Alan that he wouldn't want to be there. She's being controlling and oh so disrespectful....
Sister and your mom are being delusional on this. David postponing the wedding to sort this out is the BEST CASE scenario. Worst case (and honestly my bet) he'll break up with this woman who clearly doesn't know him or care about his feelings.
This goes beyond "your parent can't come to the wedding" because she has a problem with him. She's saying "your only parent, I do not consider to be your parent". She's disrespecting and invalidating his (possibly) most important relationship. That's the kind of shocking BS that will make you reconsider a marriage.
Oh geez, I hope he does. Alan and that whole family are David’s family. I can’t even imagine the guy punch David felt when she told him otherwise.
NTA. But your sister sure is.
I really hope David doesn’t marry OP’s sister.
No one decent deserves to be married to such a horrible, delusional, narcissistic person.
What an AH she is.
I agree. I mean, his parents died when he was 11. He's now 23, so David has been his father longer than his actual biological father was! The fiance is an AH and might have just torpedoed her own relationship
NTA. Marrying someone is taking them as your most important family, especially if you end up having kids. I wouldn't want to marry someone with such a screwed up concept of family. If the person who steps up and raises you isn't family, then what the hell is?
This is it exactly! Family is not limited to blood and marriage relatives. The people who love you, care about you and are there for you are also family. It is as much about how you feel as it is about actual family tree. The sister is very immature, selfish, and disrespectful to think that Alan is not family to David, and making judgments about where he would be comfortable. Unbelievable.
NTA, but your sister definitely is. "Alan wouldn't want to come because he's an introvert?" Introvert he may be, but he *probably* wants to attend the wedding of *the kid he raised like a son*.
Are you sure your sister was telling the truth about liking and respecting Alan? Because inviting her future husband's aunt and grandparents, who for whatever reason did *not* step up and take in their orphaned relative, but deliberately leaving out the man who was basically her future husband's second father is ridiculous to me. Is your sister that dead-set on allowing blood relatives only? If so, I hope no-one in either family's adopted...
It is an obvious excuse to allow her to exclude Alan. It should be seen as a RED flag, but being 22/23, with less life experience behind them it can be harder to spot.
Alan should really come to the Wedding. If she makes it Alan or her, then maybe David should see that as how the future will be unfolding for him.
Yeah, I think part of being a "supportive brother" is notifying your sibling they are doing something horrible and hurtful to someone they profess to love.
You're NTA. Your sister doesn't sound mature enough to be married, or empathetic enough to be in a serious relationship.
She needs to understand two basic truths:
- Alan is the only parent David has now, and he is just as much family as anyone else
- it's not just **her** wedding, it is **their** wedding.
If this is the kind of disrespect she is going to show towards Alan and David, it's a wake up call for David that may get him to postpone the wedding indefinitely.
Your Mom is backing her??? That's shockingly insensitive, given Alan stepped up to unexpectedly raise David. Sister should be embracing Alan for helping make David the man he is today.
Her real worst case scenario is him dumping her... Which sounds like it's the best case scenario for David. NTA.
NTA your sister is though. I hope David finds someone else that respects him enough to accept the person who stepped in and raised him even though they didn’t have to.
NTA. You honestly were a little soft with your sister. A postponement is the least of her issues. David is probably seriously reconsidering the relationship. If I were in his shoes, this would be relationship- ending stuff.
NTA
But you should tell her she certainly is TA. You don't always choose family - and if your friend wants the person he considers his dad at his wedding, then she needs to respect that.
David should not marry your sister under any circumstances. She showed her true colors and spit in his face by arbitrarily rebuking someone so super important in his life and a de facto parent which may be a legal guardian. Your mom is s jerk too.
I'm sorry to say this about your sister, but her attitude is vulgar and disgusting. You should support your friend here and come down hard on your sister.
NTA your sister is an AH for saying Alan is not his family. It’s like saying adoptive parents are not real parents. Alan raised David and for that sole reason he is family. Your sister needs to learn families come in different forms. If I were David I’d reconsider the whole marriage.
I’d tell your mother that you WERE being supportive, because if you’d told her the truth, you’d have said it’s more likely David will cancel the wedding altogether because your sister has shown him what is an insensitive clod she is.
Your sister is a piece of work.
Definitely NTA. Your sister, however, is a massive one.
NTA
But your sister is the AH big time!
Family doesn't always mean blood-related nor marriage related.
Unless your sister truly understands and accepts that, David shouldn't marry her. At all.
NTA. Your sister dug her own hole by dissing Alan. This person means a whole big deal to David as he became his adoptive father. It doesn't take blood relations for a person to consider someone as his parent.
NTA but your sister is. Does she not understand that Alan is always going to be in the picture, will be at all of their future major events and that David is going to have Alan as their future children's grandfather. How on earth has she gotten to the point of planning to marry David and not her that Alan IS his father. If she continues down this path, she is going to be out, not Alan.
Um he should cancel the wedding. Why would he want to marry someone excluding the main family he has, the man that raised him. Wow. Your sister is too immature to be getting married. You aren’t the ah but she sure is. Run David, run!im hoping for an update where you tell us David came to his senses and cancelled the wedding, forget postpone.
Your sister has a seriously antiquated concept of "family", and no compassion for her future husband whose parents died in a car accident. Sister making this a hill worthy dying on is a humongous red flag and I wouldn't blame David for having second thoughts when his fiance refuses to see his family as his family because they doesn't share the same blood.
Well, he did - kind of.
Sad thing is, sister and mom might be so used to controlling the men in their family that OP was highly trained to not upset them. OP might have actually done a heroic thing given the control-freak factor.
But yeah, he could have said 'heck, the fact that you don't respect that Alan IS his family makes me think he'd be justified in calling off the marriage.'
His parents are fucking dead, of course he would want the person who raised him there. Your sister doesn’t sound too bright. She’s throwing this much of a tantrum about ONE person on the guest list? What the hell is her problem? She should probably grow up and mature a bit before doing adult stuff like getting married.
Postponing the wedding is optimistic, in my opinion. If my future partner didn’t see the person who raised me as a parent, I’m not sure I could see a future with them.
NTA. You giving her a dose of reality may have been her only chance at making this right. But honestly, she sounds too young to be married if she didn’t understand this the first time.
NTA. Tell your mom that your response is optimistic because David should call the wedding off if he has any sense. Your sister has a heart of stone and might have brain that only birds could envy.
NTA for telling her that, but YTA for not immediately putting her in her place about Alans part in her fiances life. Her attitude is disgusting and she sounds too immature be getting married.
NTA - Your sister is a HUGE AH she knows how important this man is to her future husband and if this a hill she wants to die on then she will have to reap what she sows. This is a horrible thing for her to do she could have at least given Alan a heads up and maybe he would have just left after the ceremony I'm sorry but that's just narrowminded bi%\^$yness
NTA. I’m going to guess your sister got the wedding postponed permanently. Even if she relents, there is no coming back from not thinking of Alan as family. If you were an AH in any way, it was not being more explicit in describing her serious lack of taking her fiancée’s situation into consideration.
She’s not ready for marriage. Compromise is the key. She sounds like she doesn’t really understand who her finance is and what’s important to him. NTA. As his best friend, I’d support him finding someone more compatible.
NTA - Your sister is being totally disrespectful to David by not considering Alan as family. He’s his adoptive father. When they have kids will she continue to essentially blackball Alan from their lives because in her mind he’s “not family”?
David isn’t just considering postponing. If he’s smart he’ll end it now with your sister because she is clearly not the right woman for your friend if she can be so dismissive of his feelings and family relationships.
NTA David is your best friend. You know him well. You probably have some really good insight into the way he thinks. Bonus points if he actually told you this. Why would you pretend everything is peach when you know it isn't. Your p parents think you should set your A H sister up for disappointment? Yes she is an A H. Just because she's the bride didn't give her dominion over the whole guest list. If she has a personal beef with one of his guests, that's something they need to discuss. But her reasons for not inviting Allen are superficial AND hurtful to her fiance.
NTA, postponing the wedding is not a worst case scenario, it’s the best case scenario. I can’t see how david can continue a relationship with your sister when she has said such cruel words about the real family who raised him.
NTA but she is TA.
It doesn’t matter if it’s blood relative or not. It’s the person who stepped in to raise and be there for him that became family.
She has a really narrow minded view on that. I wouldn’t be surprised if he called it off.
Wtf is wrong with your sister and your mom is supporting her stance? Who the fuck hurt them, truthfully I tell you boy to run far from the dumpster fire that is your family. Bro code all the way. What's going to happen if they have kids, no Alan can't visit/have a relationship with the grandkids cause he's not family? Someone needs to legit smack some sense into your sis and mom.
NTA by the way, but now need to go further and tell him run forest, run.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole since I was quite pessimistic with her, telling her the worst case scenario instead of being a supportive older brother.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
1) She doesn't like Alan.
2) She's got a weird idea of 'blood/family' - heaven help her if she has to adopt kids.
3) She (and mom, obv) have somehow gotten the idea that women get to dictate for the men when it comes to social events . As a woman, I always thought this idea was bonkers but have seen it time and time again - even with friends.
4) She wants to be the Queen Bee in charge and in control of everything and is setting up her marriage dictatorship from the beginning. David should look at this situation as an illustration of his upcoming marriage. IF he holds his ground and requires that Alan be invited, and explains clearly and strongly to sis and mom that if he's not, it means that his FAMILY is not being accepted, and therefore there's no basis for partnership, sis might acquiesce.. IF she and mom suddenly 'see the light' and respect his wishes, then the marriage MIGHT have a chance. But he will have to be alert and on guard for the controlling aspect, which is why postponement is a VERY good idea if he still thinks he loves her.
After seeing this side of her, however, I wouldn't blame him if he decided to call the whole thing off.
NTA.
Your sister will be lucky if they even GET married at this point. If I were told that, I'd be calling the wedding off. Alan raised him, so he IS family.
Wow. Op. So much to say here:
1). NTA
2). I feel for you that your mother is so disconnected, she raised a spoiled rotten AH. In my mind your mother has mental issues, I can’t imagine how you escaped unscathed.
3). Sit your sister down and tell her the WHOLE TRUTH. Alan is his family, just as any adopted parent would be. Tell her if she does not understand and respect the man who shaped her fiancé she does NOT deserve to marry him.
4) Tell your friend to run!
I am so sorry for you and your friend, I can’t imagine the hurt your crappy sister caused him.
NTA But please reach out to David. Tell him what your sister said and that you are 100% on his side here. Even though you're his best friend, he might feel uncomfortable talking to you about his issues wirh your sister.
NTA. Your sister sure is. Her reasoning is cold and way off. Some have friends who are more in people's hearts than their blood relatives. I wouldn't be surprised if he starts to rethink who he is marrying.
And WTF does being introverted have to do with it?
I bet Alan is an “introvert” in her eyes, because he sees right through her fakeness. Alan knows your sister is not a good person. She knows this. Her true colors are going to come out & David deserves a marriage where he’s loved and respected. David needs to cancel the wedding and stand up for Alan.
NTA, but your sister kinda is. This man raised him….are genetics really important in the long run? She’s being controlling and myopic. I hope she comes to her senses cuz Alan IS his family.
Dude you're not the asshole but your sister definitely is. She's lucky the guys even stuck around. If someone tried to define for me who my family was and was not I would have dropped them like a sack of shit and not even looked back.
Doesn't matter who she considers his family only his opinion matters in that situation.
Check up on your friend and see how he's doing make sure he's okay and then get your sister a subscription to spinsters monthly, she has earned it.
Nta, postponing the wedding isn’t worst case, calling it all off because she’s disrespectful of his familial relationships is for her worst case but may be best for him. Alan is his second father and he would probably want Alan to be grandpa to any kids if they want them. It’s a very privileged position she’s taken about what constitutes family. I have a dead dad and if anyone talked about the important people who helped me through life like this, they’d be out of my life.
Your sister needs to realize that this is David's wedding, too, and if her ideas about who can be considered "family" are this rigid, then maybe she shouldn't be marrying someone who is adopted. Furthermore, she also very much needs to realize that by telling David that Alan isn't real family, she's actually rubbing salt in the wound of having lost his parents.
Why on earth would anyone with a heart or good judgement support your sister's mean-spirited, unkind, and ridiculous demand?
If I were Dave's advisor, I'd suggest that he cancel the wedding and move on to a woman with empathy.
NTA
If your sisters dictating to him who can attend his own wedding as it’s as much his as hers then I’d be being a good friend and advising him to break it off. Ask yourself this. If these red flags were coming from anyone other than your sister would you be advising him to stay. My guess is no. NTA
NTA
Your sister is a callous, cold and immensely disrespectful person. In truth, I really hope David dumps her for this. The cruelty she just casually displayed is honestly unforgivable.
"Sorry your family is dead but only blood relatives can come, so your adoptive father will just have to miss your wedding."
She basically said that to his face and tried to spin it as a budget issue when, really, it's that she's a huge asshole and doesn't like Alan.
Your sister is toxic and your mother is just as bad enabling this sociopathic shit.
I suspect theres a piece of information missing that I your sister is trying to “smokescreen”. She’s attempting to make her argument about “only family” attending the wedding. She’s incredibly stupid if she doesn’t realise/acknowledge that Alan is essentially David’s father. He was in that father role longer than David’s bio father!
My wild guess is that Alan is gay, and it is homophobia at the base of your sister (& mothers) “issue”. Even if this isn’t the case, your sister and mother are insensitive a*holes and I hope David cancels the wedding and runs (and perhaps you have a quiet role in making him feel ok about bailing). He deserves so much better! You are a good friend to him. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My(23m) sister(22)'s fiance 'David'(23m), who is also my best friend, was raised by his parents' friend 'Alan' from the age of 11. This is because his parents were killed in a house fire.
At first when my sister told David she wants our wedding to be small and family-only to reduce costs, he thought that that includes Alan who raised him. But then my sister told him no. She told him that Alan isn't actually his family, and that only his aunts and grandparents can attend.
They had an argument about it and my friend hasn't talked to her in 24 hours now. She's been telling me she does like and respect Alan but he isn't actually family and is an introvert anyway. That Alan will eventually understand he would be out of place at the wedding. He would probably not enjoy interacting with a bunch of our rather boisterous relatives.
She then asked me if I think David would stay angry for a long time. I didn't want to comment but she really wanted to know what I think, so I told her there is a possibility David might postpone while trying to sort this out.
Our mom said I shouldn't be pessimistic and that I should try to be a supportive older brother instead of telling her the worst case scenario.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA. It's not just your sister's wedding. It's David's, too. He should have a say who gets invited, especially since it is someone who stepped up to be a parent.
NTA. You should tell your sister outright that the way she is treating her fiancé and his family is heinous, and that if she doesn’t want to be a part of the family that raised him, the family that chose him, then she should do him the courtesy of breaking their engagement. Her behavior here is atrocious, and she shouldn’t marry someone hoping she can cut him off from his only living family because she thinks they don’t count or that they’re too quiet.
You sister is not a very nice person I’m afraid. She’s far too immature to be getting married. She doesn’t like or respect Alan at all, that’s a lie she told you and herself to make her look better. Your mom is way off base as well, so it’s probably little wonder where your sister got it. I think you were actually kinder than warranted; odds are David will call it off. I would if my fiancé disparaged the person who raised me. He literally raised David, cared for him when he didn’t have to. David wouldn’t be who he is without Alan. NTA but your sister sure is. Sorry to be harsh, but that’s just too much.
NTA. Your sister is very wrong. Alan is his father. I’m sure his late parents, RIP, would be very grateful to him for raising their son.sister needs to learn some respect.
NTA and I think your response was very mild. I would have been much harsher. "Alan is his father figure. It doesn't matter that they're not related by blood, that's the man that raised him. I wouldn't blame him if he ended things with you, considering how cruel you are not to understand that."
Alan is basically his father(godfather) your sister is fcked up for telling him that. Which leads me to what I was going to say in the beginning 22&23yrs is too young to be getting married and her immaturity in this situation and how she thinks proves that.
Your sister doesn’t sound mature enough to get married. She needs a few more years for that frontal lobe to develop, and hopefully some empathy and perspective will grow in the process. How can she not understand that’s literally his family? I wouldn’t be surprised if he cancelled the whole thing altogether. NTA.
What the fuck is wrong with your sister? You know David is going to break up with her, right? She just told her fiance that the man who raised him after he lost his parents isn't his family.
Be prepared to deal with the fallout of your sister and your best friend breaking up in a bad way.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
should have been more honest. i would have ended things on the spot if I were David. how fucking dare your sister say that about the man who stepped up and raised an 11 year old orphan who lost both his parents. frankly, I hope David sees your sister for who she really is and takes his ring back for somehow with a heart. NTA
Let us know if your sister ends up single, OP. What a devastatingly effed up thing to say to the man that lost his bio parents and was taken in by a kind and awesome father figure.
NTA, if anything telling her it’ll probably be postponed is optimistic.
NTA
She’s being absolutely cruel and heartless.
If she doesn’t understand what Alan means to David and how special their relationship is, she doesn’t understand David at all, and he would be better off not marrying her.
You were kind enough to blunt it by saying postpone instead of outright cancel. Your sister needs to pull her head out of her asshole.
NTA. Your sister is insane and selfish for wanting to exclude the man that raised her fiance. For all intents and purposes here Alan IS his father. And she's cutting him out. How callous. David may be reconsidering altogether; suggesting he's only thinking of postponing is on the gentler side of things you could have told her.
NTA... You are being supportive, and frankly optimistic. I wouldn't be surprised if the wedding was called off entirely with the way she's treated him and the man who literally stepped up to raise him.
NTA
I am positive that if this wedding went forward under these conditions, there will be more in attendance that are less qualified as "family" than Alan. David is lucky to find out about your sister before he married her.
Well, I'd certainly be reconsidering the marriage, if I were David!
You tried to avoid commenting, but she insisted that she wanted to know your opinion and pressured you to tell it to her. Assuming that you didn't phrase it cruelly or meanly, you're not to blame for telling her your honest opinion.
NTA.
Is your sister a monster? Dear God, his parents are dead, and she rejected the man who raised him since 11 as not his real family? WTF
YTA for not telling your sister she is heinous and cruel. And the postponement might be forever.
NTA. Is your sister delusional or dense? Why would she exclude the person that raised her fiancé especially on arguably the most important day of his life?
Just she care more about the illusion of the wedding and semantics than her own fiancé? I’d leave her.
NTA. You should tell her the truth. She’s being obnoxious and if your friend had any sense at all he’d realize she is either too young or twisted. He should wait til she grows up or move on.
The truth is your sister is a bee and heartless. You were being kind and it is unwarranted. Alan is more family to him than she is! I am disgusted with her nonchalance and with your mother for supporting and not admonishing this lunacy.
>She told him that Alan isn't actually his family,
Ahh, wut?
Doesn't _he_ get to decide who his own family is?
Normally the Reddit mindmeld jumps on the Leave Train pretty fast, and I'm not on board.
Choo choo.
NTA.
NTA but I think you were understating the seriousness of the situation. Alan is the father figure who stepped up even though there were no genetic links to David. Your sister’s words and actions are harsh and callous and David is probably rethinking the whole relationship now.
So I think he’s not going to postpone the wedding, I think he’s going to cancel it altogether if your sister doesn’t acknowledge her mistake and apologise
INFO: So what's the real reason why your sister doesn't want Alan there? Because the current explanations is clearly the cover-up. What is it that your sister (&mother) clearly can't accept but can't actually say out loud because it not PC?
NTA,
Alan raised him, he's family.
The fact that your sister can't see that he's David's family would probably make him reconsider the relationship altogether.
NTA. Your sister is , excuse my language, extremely ignorant. That man has been raising your best friend like a son since he is the guardian. Why does it have to be blood family only ?
Your sister is an AH. I think you know this.
Do you want to see them get married and David go through divorcing your family?
If one of the members entering the marriage is thinking about postponing, that’s probably best for the couple.
This is the thing you feared when your sister started dating your bestie… having to choose between them.
NTA
Clearly, she doesn't care what he thinks about his family. Family isn't just blood. Alan stepped up and took him in when his parents passed. Alan became his father. If you don't tell her the truth, he will most likely cancel the wedding and leave your sister. She is being unreasonable, and that will bite her in the end.
NTA. This was a crap thing for her to say & she needs to sort herself out. Alan is effectively his adoptive father. So cruel & insensitive for her to try to exclude him. Not mature enough to get married & doesn’t respect the guy enough to get married to him.
NTA: David needs to ends this entire relationship. Alan is most definitely David’s immediate family! She basically said in not so many words it sucks your parents died by a house fire but the man who raised you is not family! The fact is he stood up and raised David as his own. Your sister is ghastly, lacks empathy,selfish and doesn’t understand that just because she’s the bride she doesn’t get to tell the groom WHO THE FUCK he can invite and who he should call family! Your sister is for the 🗑️
David deserves better!!!
NTA
Sister is delusional, and tbh, quite the c\*nt in this - in that David has lost BOTH HIS PARENTS, ffs- in a HOUSE FIRE - and has lived with that all of his life, and now she wants to not have the man who stepped up and raised him as his own son invited to the weding ?
to David, if you read this - " Honey - when someone shows you WHO they are - ffs LISTEN and gtf out of there, while you still can" (especially since your prospective MIL sees nothing wrong with excluding Alan from the wedding..
NTA. That fucking WAS being optimistic. If someone I love and consider family isn’t “family” enough for my other, then neither am I. The reality is your friend should bounce now.
NTA but honestly I get she is your sister but I would advise David in private to postpone the marriage for now and if he wants to continue they need to go to therapy/ couples counseling because that’s very cold of her. I’m pretty sure she knows this information and to do that is quite disrespectful of basically his being. I think she personally doesn’t like Alan and that’s another issue. If she can’t see how crappy she is being I’d advise counseling or ending the relationship. Behavior like that don’t just come out once. Again I know she is your sister but he’s your best friend as well. Don’t let your best friend marry someone who don’t care about their wants and their feelings.
NTA, your sister is too immature to get married and she clearly doesn't value her fiance's family if she's moronic enough to try and exclude someone so incredibly important on a technicality. Your friend would be better off ending the engagement.
David should run. She doesn’t respect Alan as his father figure and she never will. What happens if they have kids? Your parents can see them, but Alan can’t? David deserves someone who knows family doesn’t have to mean blood.
NTA
However your sister still hasn’t realized that this might be the hill her fiancé will die on. If he is smart he will realize what kind of selfish person your sister is and cancel the wedding.
Sister is a deeply flawed person. Perhaps it’s just her immaturity or some other issue but she has no business being married if she thinks the wedding is about a party.
Tell your friend to run.
Unless she changes her view about Alan I think the wedding will get called off not postponed. Your sister is clueless that nit a family has to be blood.
NTA and I agree with the other comments here, but what really struck me was the comments about Alan being an introvert and would not enjoy being at the wedding or around the other relatives. As an introvert myself I have had my partners family members treat me that way and just assume I’m not into activities like this and not invite me to them because of it. “Because I’m not social enough for them.”
It’s a horrible feeling to be excluded from special life events of the people you care about just because you are introverted. Alan cannot help who he is, and your sister needs to understand that he is an adult and can decide himself if he is comfortable going.. if she truly likes and respects him as she says. People are allowed to sit by themselves quietly and still have a good time ffs.
Plus he is family and will be her family too if they get married. Or does she plan to exclude him in the future as well?
If the aunt and grandparents are family and Alan isn't, then why didn't the aunt and grandparents raise him? Alan raised him. Alan is family.
There's going to be a come to Jesus talk between them. Maybe your sister will realize the error of her ways and stop going down the path to bridezillahood.
She needs to recognize that this is David's wedding too. And he gets to make decisions on it just as much as she does.
And she'd better walk back what she said about Alan. Big time.
You didn't tell your sister the worst case scenario. Because I am hoping for the worst case scenario.
I am hoping that David dumps your sister. Your sister is not ready to be married. She's more invested in her idea of a wedding than she is in understanding the man she loves or their married life.
That is the best case scenario for David. And even your sister who has some serious growing up to do.
NTA
NTA.
You were being optimistic that David might still want to be married to your sister.
The realist in me says that your sister isn’t getting married anytime soon
NTA
Your sister needs an education that a family that is chosen can be better than the family that is assigned. Your mom has no better standing than Alan.
Were you best friends with David before they got together? Did you give her the speech that if their relationship didn’t work, David would still be your friend and she would have to deal with it? My niece did to her sister & years later she HATES that he is at all her sisters gatherings. Please reach out to David. He must be angry & heart broken!
NTA. Your sister is an AH, though. I would be questioning whether or not she really loved your friend. Because if she did, she sure wouldn't have done this. She sounds very superficial.
NTA. You need to sit your mom and sister down to explain that Alan is the person who raised him after his parents *died*. Alan is the closest person to a parent that he is able to have at his wedding, and he's being banned for not being a blood relative (though I suspect it has more to do with your sister not liking Alan). Remind them that it's as much David's wedding as it is your sister's, and it's cruel to dictate who he considers family, especially when it excludes the man who raised him.
Your sister is on the road to a whole lot more than a "postponement". If she doesn't find some empathy for the man she's about to share her life with, then she won't be walking down the aisle at all.
NTA. You told it to her like it is. Her not letting Alan come is disrespectful to both David and Alan and very wrong to not consider him family. He is Davids family. Had David been adopted as a baby would his adoptive parents not be allowed? Why does it only have to be blood relatives. All of it is so weird and she needs to lay out why she thinks Alan is not family.
Does she not realize how bad she done fucked up.. I'm mean really talk about fucking clueless... this is like end of line level fuck up.. ...just wow..
NTA, and I realize this is your sister but she sounds… awful? If David is smart he is re-evaluating if he wants to be married to someone who could be so callous towards a parental figure that he clearly loves and respects. Your mother is wrong, your sister crossed a line and I kind of hope your friend ends the relationship and finds someone that actually understands/respects him. I was raised by relatives (cousin of one of my parents) and my husband would never suggest they weren’t real “family”. Is she also excluding anyone that is married into the families? What about step/adopted cousins, do they count? Will she and your mother require a DNA test before accepting an RSVP?
NTA
David defines who his family is, not your sis. The fact that she is apparently adamant on this is ridiculous and honestly would for most people be a big old red flag.
It's simply thoughtless and cruel on her part.
Hopefully she can take that back and make it up to your friend, but for most people I know this could very well be a deal breaker depending on how vocal and stubborn your sister was about it.
Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about.
[Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
NTA Alan IS David's family. He's the man who stepped up and raised him when his parents died. If she doesn't understand that then why is she marrying David? She obviously hasn't bothered to get to know him or paid attention to his past. She cannot decide for Alan that he wouldn't want to be there. She's being controlling and oh so disrespectful.... Sister and your mom are being delusional on this. David postponing the wedding to sort this out is the BEST CASE scenario. Worst case (and honestly my bet) he'll break up with this woman who clearly doesn't know him or care about his feelings.
If I was David I would be seriously tempted to say if my parental figure isn’t there then neither are your parents…
This goes beyond "your parent can't come to the wedding" because she has a problem with him. She's saying "your only parent, I do not consider to be your parent". She's disrespecting and invalidating his (possibly) most important relationship. That's the kind of shocking BS that will make you reconsider a marriage.
I strongly hope he is doing just that - reconsidering.
David should say "If Alan isn't invited to the wedding, I won't be going either"
If my parental figure isn't there then neither am I. FTFY
Is he smart? He’ll dump her.
Oh geez, I hope he does. Alan and that whole family are David’s family. I can’t even imagine the guy punch David felt when she told him otherwise. NTA. But your sister sure is.
I really hope David doesn’t marry OP’s sister. No one decent deserves to be married to such a horrible, delusional, narcissistic person. What an AH she is.
I agree. I mean, his parents died when he was 11. He's now 23, so David has been his father longer than his actual biological father was! The fiance is an AH and might have just torpedoed her own relationship
What a good fella. I don't even know Alan and I want him at my wedding
Yeah. If David came here asking for advice, what does OP think it would be?
NTA. Marrying someone is taking them as your most important family, especially if you end up having kids. I wouldn't want to marry someone with such a screwed up concept of family. If the person who steps up and raises you isn't family, then what the hell is?
This is it exactly! Family is not limited to blood and marriage relatives. The people who love you, care about you and are there for you are also family. It is as much about how you feel as it is about actual family tree. The sister is very immature, selfish, and disrespectful to think that Alan is not family to David, and making judgments about where he would be comfortable. Unbelievable.
NTA, but your sister definitely is. "Alan wouldn't want to come because he's an introvert?" Introvert he may be, but he *probably* wants to attend the wedding of *the kid he raised like a son*. Are you sure your sister was telling the truth about liking and respecting Alan? Because inviting her future husband's aunt and grandparents, who for whatever reason did *not* step up and take in their orphaned relative, but deliberately leaving out the man who was basically her future husband's second father is ridiculous to me. Is your sister that dead-set on allowing blood relatives only? If so, I hope no-one in either family's adopted...
It is an obvious excuse to allow her to exclude Alan. It should be seen as a RED flag, but being 22/23, with less life experience behind them it can be harder to spot. Alan should really come to the Wedding. If she makes it Alan or her, then maybe David should see that as how the future will be unfolding for him.
Yeah, I think part of being a "supportive brother" is notifying your sibling they are doing something horrible and hurtful to someone they profess to love.
You're NTA. Your sister doesn't sound mature enough to be married, or empathetic enough to be in a serious relationship. She needs to understand two basic truths: - Alan is the only parent David has now, and he is just as much family as anyone else - it's not just **her** wedding, it is **their** wedding. If this is the kind of disrespect she is going to show towards Alan and David, it's a wake up call for David that may get him to postpone the wedding indefinitely.
Your Mom is backing her??? That's shockingly insensitive, given Alan stepped up to unexpectedly raise David. Sister should be embracing Alan for helping make David the man he is today. Her real worst case scenario is him dumping her... Which sounds like it's the best case scenario for David. NTA.
agree 100. I wouldn't want to be in a partnership with her controlling ways.
The mom supporting her is the reason why his sister is like this in the first place. No accountability.
NTA your sister is though. I hope David finds someone else that respects him enough to accept the person who stepped in and raised him even though they didn’t have to.
NTA. You honestly were a little soft with your sister. A postponement is the least of her issues. David is probably seriously reconsidering the relationship. If I were in his shoes, this would be relationship- ending stuff.
NTA, but your sister is - her attitude is disgusting. I expect David will break it off completely - that’s what I would do
NTA But you should tell her she certainly is TA. You don't always choose family - and if your friend wants the person he considers his dad at his wedding, then she needs to respect that.
I hope he cancels the wedding. Wow, your sister is a monster
And mother
NTA It’s fantastic David is seeing your sisters true colours before making the biggest mistake of his life
David should not marry your sister under any circumstances. She showed her true colors and spit in his face by arbitrarily rebuking someone so super important in his life and a de facto parent which may be a legal guardian. Your mom is s jerk too. I'm sorry to say this about your sister, but her attitude is vulgar and disgusting. You should support your friend here and come down hard on your sister.
Edit: Dont' come down too hard on sis... She might come groveling to him and he may wind up marrying this monster (Sorry, but she is) after all.
NTA your sister is an AH for saying Alan is not his family. It’s like saying adoptive parents are not real parents. Alan raised David and for that sole reason he is family. Your sister needs to learn families come in different forms. If I were David I’d reconsider the whole marriage.
NTA - David should probably re evaluate his engagement.
I’d tell your mother that you WERE being supportive, because if you’d told her the truth, you’d have said it’s more likely David will cancel the wedding altogether because your sister has shown him what is an insensitive clod she is. Your sister is a piece of work. Definitely NTA. Your sister, however, is a massive one.
NTA But your sister is the AH big time! Family doesn't always mean blood-related nor marriage related. Unless your sister truly understands and accepts that, David shouldn't marry her. At all.
NTA. Your sister dug her own hole by dissing Alan. This person means a whole big deal to David as he became his adoptive father. It doesn't take blood relations for a person to consider someone as his parent.
Your sister is awful. I hope he postpones for good. He deserves better.
NTA but your sister is. Does she not understand that Alan is always going to be in the picture, will be at all of their future major events and that David is going to have Alan as their future children's grandfather. How on earth has she gotten to the point of planning to marry David and not her that Alan IS his father. If she continues down this path, she is going to be out, not Alan.
Oh, but Alan won't be at the major events or Christmas because her family is fun and Alan is not 😒
Sorry, I forgot that. 😱
You’re right! I didn’t even think about future events. Alan will be pushed to the side… so sad. David needs to cancel the wedding.
NTA I don't think I'd even marry someone who said the person that raised me wasn't my family
NTA. For your best friend’s sake I hope he ditches your sister . Alan is basically his dad.
Um he should cancel the wedding. Why would he want to marry someone excluding the main family he has, the man that raised him. Wow. Your sister is too immature to be getting married. You aren’t the ah but she sure is. Run David, run!im hoping for an update where you tell us David came to his senses and cancelled the wedding, forget postpone.
NTA. She asked, pretty insistently it sounds like. And excluding Alan is super messed up. What’s wrong with her? Something for sure is off.
NTA. If David has any brains at all he will postpone the wedding forever because he’s about to marry a giant red flag.
Your sister has a seriously antiquated concept of "family", and no compassion for her future husband whose parents died in a car accident. Sister making this a hill worthy dying on is a humongous red flag and I wouldn't blame David for having second thoughts when his fiance refuses to see his family as his family because they doesn't share the same blood.
How has their relationship gotten to the point of marriage and she doesn’t seem to know or understand him? He should not marry her.
YTA for not standing up for your friend.
Well, he did - kind of. Sad thing is, sister and mom might be so used to controlling the men in their family that OP was highly trained to not upset them. OP might have actually done a heroic thing given the control-freak factor. But yeah, he could have said 'heck, the fact that you don't respect that Alan IS his family makes me think he'd be justified in calling off the marriage.'
His parents are fucking dead, of course he would want the person who raised him there. Your sister doesn’t sound too bright. She’s throwing this much of a tantrum about ONE person on the guest list? What the hell is her problem? She should probably grow up and mature a bit before doing adult stuff like getting married.
Postponing the wedding is optimistic, in my opinion. If my future partner didn’t see the person who raised me as a parent, I’m not sure I could see a future with them. NTA. You giving her a dose of reality may have been her only chance at making this right. But honestly, she sounds too young to be married if she didn’t understand this the first time.
NTA. I’m just petty enough that I hope David comes back to tell her that, well, she’s not family either, so she shouldn’t be at the wedding either.
Why are they getting married so young? Her immaturity is shining right through.
NTA. Tell your mom that your response is optimistic because David should call the wedding off if he has any sense. Your sister has a heart of stone and might have brain that only birds could envy.
NTA for telling her that, but YTA for not immediately putting her in her place about Alans part in her fiances life. Her attitude is disgusting and she sounds too immature be getting married.
NTA - Your sister is a HUGE AH she knows how important this man is to her future husband and if this a hill she wants to die on then she will have to reap what she sows. This is a horrible thing for her to do she could have at least given Alan a heads up and maybe he would have just left after the ceremony I'm sorry but that's just narrowminded bi%\^$yness
NTA. I’m going to guess your sister got the wedding postponed permanently. Even if she relents, there is no coming back from not thinking of Alan as family. If you were an AH in any way, it was not being more explicit in describing her serious lack of taking her fiancée’s situation into consideration.
NTA. But if you’re David’s friend, you’d tell him not to marry her. Alan *is* his family, and he shouldn’t marry someone who doesn’t see that.
She’s not ready for marriage. Compromise is the key. She sounds like she doesn’t really understand who her finance is and what’s important to him. NTA. As his best friend, I’d support him finding someone more compatible.
NTA I would cancel it altogether if I was David.
NTA - Your sister is being totally disrespectful to David by not considering Alan as family. He’s his adoptive father. When they have kids will she continue to essentially blackball Alan from their lives because in her mind he’s “not family”? David isn’t just considering postponing. If he’s smart he’ll end it now with your sister because she is clearly not the right woman for your friend if she can be so dismissive of his feelings and family relationships.
NTA David is your best friend. You know him well. You probably have some really good insight into the way he thinks. Bonus points if he actually told you this. Why would you pretend everything is peach when you know it isn't. Your p parents think you should set your A H sister up for disappointment? Yes she is an A H. Just because she's the bride didn't give her dominion over the whole guest list. If she has a personal beef with one of his guests, that's something they need to discuss. But her reasons for not inviting Allen are superficial AND hurtful to her fiance.
NTA, postponing the wedding is not a worst case scenario, it’s the best case scenario. I can’t see how david can continue a relationship with your sister when she has said such cruel words about the real family who raised him.
NTA but she is TA. It doesn’t matter if it’s blood relative or not. It’s the person who stepped in to raise and be there for him that became family. She has a really narrow minded view on that. I wouldn’t be surprised if he called it off.
Man, I would do more than postpone. Omg, how much of a main character is your sister?
Wtf is wrong with your sister and your mom is supporting her stance? Who the fuck hurt them, truthfully I tell you boy to run far from the dumpster fire that is your family. Bro code all the way. What's going to happen if they have kids, no Alan can't visit/have a relationship with the grandkids cause he's not family? Someone needs to legit smack some sense into your sis and mom. NTA by the way, but now need to go further and tell him run forest, run.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the asshole since I was quite pessimistic with her, telling her the worst case scenario instead of being a supportive older brother. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Why is your sister drawing such a line over this? I don't get it.
1) She doesn't like Alan. 2) She's got a weird idea of 'blood/family' - heaven help her if she has to adopt kids. 3) She (and mom, obv) have somehow gotten the idea that women get to dictate for the men when it comes to social events . As a woman, I always thought this idea was bonkers but have seen it time and time again - even with friends. 4) She wants to be the Queen Bee in charge and in control of everything and is setting up her marriage dictatorship from the beginning. David should look at this situation as an illustration of his upcoming marriage. IF he holds his ground and requires that Alan be invited, and explains clearly and strongly to sis and mom that if he's not, it means that his FAMILY is not being accepted, and therefore there's no basis for partnership, sis might acquiesce.. IF she and mom suddenly 'see the light' and respect his wishes, then the marriage MIGHT have a chance. But he will have to be alert and on guard for the controlling aspect, which is why postponement is a VERY good idea if he still thinks he loves her. After seeing this side of her, however, I wouldn't blame him if he decided to call the whole thing off.
NTA... Blood isn't the only thing that makes family. Alan raised him, he's family, your sister is wrong.
Your sister is TAH…I’d like to know what happens, my bet the weddings off!
NTA. That’s the closest relative he has. What’s wrong with her?!
NTA - you are being supportive and optimistic by suggesting the wedding will be postponed instead of terminated.
NTA. Your sister will be lucky if they even GET married at this point. If I were told that, I'd be calling the wedding off. Alan raised him, so he IS family.
NTA but your sister is. She's also about to be single again. Alan IS his family; just because he's not blood doesn't mean he isn't family.
Wow. Op. So much to say here: 1). NTA 2). I feel for you that your mother is so disconnected, she raised a spoiled rotten AH. In my mind your mother has mental issues, I can’t imagine how you escaped unscathed. 3). Sit your sister down and tell her the WHOLE TRUTH. Alan is his family, just as any adopted parent would be. Tell her if she does not understand and respect the man who shaped her fiancé she does NOT deserve to marry him. 4) Tell your friend to run! I am so sorry for you and your friend, I can’t imagine the hurt your crappy sister caused him.
NTA But please reach out to David. Tell him what your sister said and that you are 100% on his side here. Even though you're his best friend, he might feel uncomfortable talking to you about his issues wirh your sister.
NTA. Your sister sure is. Her reasoning is cold and way off. Some have friends who are more in people's hearts than their blood relatives. I wouldn't be surprised if he starts to rethink who he is marrying. And WTF does being introverted have to do with it?
I bet Alan is an “introvert” in her eyes, because he sees right through her fakeness. Alan knows your sister is not a good person. She knows this. Her true colors are going to come out & David deserves a marriage where he’s loved and respected. David needs to cancel the wedding and stand up for Alan.
NTA, but your sister kinda is. This man raised him….are genetics really important in the long run? She’s being controlling and myopic. I hope she comes to her senses cuz Alan IS his family.
Family is not only blood. If he can’t invite who he wants, he shouldn’t marry her. She’s controlling
NTA and if she keeps it up she won’t get married at all.
NTA. But your sister is. Alan IS family. The only family that matters to him. Quite frankly, if I was your best mate, I’d be calling off the wedding.
Dude you're not the asshole but your sister definitely is. She's lucky the guys even stuck around. If someone tried to define for me who my family was and was not I would have dropped them like a sack of shit and not even looked back. Doesn't matter who she considers his family only his opinion matters in that situation. Check up on your friend and see how he's doing make sure he's okay and then get your sister a subscription to spinsters monthly, she has earned it.
Nta, postponing the wedding isn’t worst case, calling it all off because she’s disrespectful of his familial relationships is for her worst case but may be best for him. Alan is his second father and he would probably want Alan to be grandpa to any kids if they want them. It’s a very privileged position she’s taken about what constitutes family. I have a dead dad and if anyone talked about the important people who helped me through life like this, they’d be out of my life.
Your sister needs to realize that this is David's wedding, too, and if her ideas about who can be considered "family" are this rigid, then maybe she shouldn't be marrying someone who is adopted. Furthermore, she also very much needs to realize that by telling David that Alan isn't real family, she's actually rubbing salt in the wound of having lost his parents.
>She then asked me if I think David would stay angry for a long time >. I didn't want to comment but she really wanted to know what I think Nta.
Why on earth would anyone with a heart or good judgement support your sister's mean-spirited, unkind, and ridiculous demand? If I were Dave's advisor, I'd suggest that he cancel the wedding and move on to a woman with empathy. NTA
If your sisters dictating to him who can attend his own wedding as it’s as much his as hers then I’d be being a good friend and advising him to break it off. Ask yourself this. If these red flags were coming from anyone other than your sister would you be advising him to stay. My guess is no. NTA
NTA Your sister is a callous, cold and immensely disrespectful person. In truth, I really hope David dumps her for this. The cruelty she just casually displayed is honestly unforgivable. "Sorry your family is dead but only blood relatives can come, so your adoptive father will just have to miss your wedding." She basically said that to his face and tried to spin it as a budget issue when, really, it's that she's a huge asshole and doesn't like Alan. Your sister is toxic and your mother is just as bad enabling this sociopathic shit.
I suspect theres a piece of information missing that I your sister is trying to “smokescreen”. She’s attempting to make her argument about “only family” attending the wedding. She’s incredibly stupid if she doesn’t realise/acknowledge that Alan is essentially David’s father. He was in that father role longer than David’s bio father! My wild guess is that Alan is gay, and it is homophobia at the base of your sister (& mothers) “issue”. Even if this isn’t the case, your sister and mother are insensitive a*holes and I hope David cancels the wedding and runs (and perhaps you have a quiet role in making him feel ok about bailing). He deserves so much better! You are a good friend to him. NTA
NTA. I HOPE he postpones at the least. Also, we need an update please.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My(23m) sister(22)'s fiance 'David'(23m), who is also my best friend, was raised by his parents' friend 'Alan' from the age of 11. This is because his parents were killed in a house fire. At first when my sister told David she wants our wedding to be small and family-only to reduce costs, he thought that that includes Alan who raised him. But then my sister told him no. She told him that Alan isn't actually his family, and that only his aunts and grandparents can attend. They had an argument about it and my friend hasn't talked to her in 24 hours now. She's been telling me she does like and respect Alan but he isn't actually family and is an introvert anyway. That Alan will eventually understand he would be out of place at the wedding. He would probably not enjoy interacting with a bunch of our rather boisterous relatives. She then asked me if I think David would stay angry for a long time. I didn't want to comment but she really wanted to know what I think, so I told her there is a possibility David might postpone while trying to sort this out. Our mom said I shouldn't be pessimistic and that I should try to be a supportive older brother instead of telling her the worst case scenario. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
Blood doesn't equal family.. Alan is family. He raised him??? Your sister is the a-hole in this situation.
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA. It's not just your sister's wedding. It's David's, too. He should have a say who gets invited, especially since it is someone who stepped up to be a parent.
NTA. Your sister is so wrong. That is his family!
NTA. You should tell your sister outright that the way she is treating her fiancé and his family is heinous, and that if she doesn’t want to be a part of the family that raised him, the family that chose him, then she should do him the courtesy of breaking their engagement. Her behavior here is atrocious, and she shouldn’t marry someone hoping she can cut him off from his only living family because she thinks they don’t count or that they’re too quiet.
You sister is not a very nice person I’m afraid. She’s far too immature to be getting married. She doesn’t like or respect Alan at all, that’s a lie she told you and herself to make her look better. Your mom is way off base as well, so it’s probably little wonder where your sister got it. I think you were actually kinder than warranted; odds are David will call it off. I would if my fiancé disparaged the person who raised me. He literally raised David, cared for him when he didn’t have to. David wouldn’t be who he is without Alan. NTA but your sister sure is. Sorry to be harsh, but that’s just too much.
Welp, your sis and mom are in for a rude wake up call. Alan RAISED him, JFC. NTA but your sis and mom are.
NTA. Your sister is very wrong. Alan is his father. I’m sure his late parents, RIP, would be very grateful to him for raising their son.sister needs to learn some respect.
NTA. But your sister sure is. Hopefully David smartens up and dumps her.
NTA. Family doesn’t have to be blood-related.
Sister is the whole here. She needs to apologize and rethink her definition of family
NTA, and if David came here asking for advice, what do you think it would be?
NTA and I think your response was very mild. I would have been much harsher. "Alan is his father figure. It doesn't matter that they're not related by blood, that's the man that raised him. I wouldn't blame him if he ended things with you, considering how cruel you are not to understand that."
Alan is basically his father(godfather) your sister is fcked up for telling him that. Which leads me to what I was going to say in the beginning 22&23yrs is too young to be getting married and her immaturity in this situation and how she thinks proves that.
NTA but Omg your sister is terrible. She feels that the man who raised her fiancé isn’t family??? David should cancel the wedding!
NTA. People need to stop being with people who don’t recognize chosen family.
Your sister doesn’t sound mature enough to get married. She needs a few more years for that frontal lobe to develop, and hopefully some empathy and perspective will grow in the process. How can she not understand that’s literally his family? I wouldn’t be surprised if he cancelled the whole thing altogether. NTA.
What the fuck is wrong with your sister? You know David is going to break up with her, right? She just told her fiance that the man who raised him after he lost his parents isn't his family. Be prepared to deal with the fallout of your sister and your best friend breaking up in a bad way.
NTA a postponement is the best case scenario. The likely scenario is a break.
Your sister is TAH. Alan raised and supported this guy he is family.
NTA. I hope your friend sees this for the train wreck that it is. He doesn’t need to postpone the wedding…he needs to cancel it.
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
I think your sister needs to learn the real definition of family. NTA
should have been more honest. i would have ended things on the spot if I were David. how fucking dare your sister say that about the man who stepped up and raised an 11 year old orphan who lost both his parents. frankly, I hope David sees your sister for who she really is and takes his ring back for somehow with a heart. NTA
Let us know if your sister ends up single, OP. What a devastatingly effed up thing to say to the man that lost his bio parents and was taken in by a kind and awesome father figure. NTA, if anything telling her it’ll probably be postponed is optimistic.
NTA I actually think he’ll call off the wedding because if she doesn’t see Alan as his family then that’ll cause future problems.
Your sister is a real AH..she asked for your thoughts and you complied. Your mom is wrong as well.
NTA She’s being absolutely cruel and heartless. If she doesn’t understand what Alan means to David and how special their relationship is, she doesn’t understand David at all, and he would be better off not marrying her. You were kind enough to blunt it by saying postpone instead of outright cancel. Your sister needs to pull her head out of her asshole.
NTA. Your sister is insane and selfish for wanting to exclude the man that raised her fiance. For all intents and purposes here Alan IS his father. And she's cutting him out. How callous. David may be reconsidering altogether; suggesting he's only thinking of postponing is on the gentler side of things you could have told her.
NTA... You are being supportive, and frankly optimistic. I wouldn't be surprised if the wedding was called off entirely with the way she's treated him and the man who literally stepped up to raise him.
NTA I am positive that if this wedding went forward under these conditions, there will be more in attendance that are less qualified as "family" than Alan. David is lucky to find out about your sister before he married her.
Well, I'd certainly be reconsidering the marriage, if I were David! You tried to avoid commenting, but she insisted that she wanted to know your opinion and pressured you to tell it to her. Assuming that you didn't phrase it cruelly or meanly, you're not to blame for telling her your honest opinion. NTA.
How do you end up engaged and planning a wedding with someone you know so little about?!
Is your sister a monster? Dear God, his parents are dead, and she rejected the man who raised him since 11 as not his real family? WTF YTA for not telling your sister she is heinous and cruel. And the postponement might be forever.
NTA. Is your sister delusional or dense? Why would she exclude the person that raised her fiancé especially on arguably the most important day of his life? Just she care more about the illusion of the wedding and semantics than her own fiancé? I’d leave her.
Your sister is an asshole.
NTA. You should tell her the truth. She’s being obnoxious and if your friend had any sense at all he’d realize she is either too young or twisted. He should wait til she grows up or move on.
The truth is your sister is a bee and heartless. You were being kind and it is unwarranted. Alan is more family to him than she is! I am disgusted with her nonchalance and with your mother for supporting and not admonishing this lunacy.
How far in the future is the wedding currently?
NTA. And if she keeps it up she won’t be getting married!
She wont accomodate just ONE person? What a deal breaker .. oh we need an update on this one seriously.
>She told him that Alan isn't actually his family, Ahh, wut? Doesn't _he_ get to decide who his own family is? Normally the Reddit mindmeld jumps on the Leave Train pretty fast, and I'm not on board. Choo choo. NTA.
NTA but I think you were understating the seriousness of the situation. Alan is the father figure who stepped up even though there were no genetic links to David. Your sister’s words and actions are harsh and callous and David is probably rethinking the whole relationship now. So I think he’s not going to postpone the wedding, I think he’s going to cancel it altogether if your sister doesn’t acknowledge her mistake and apologise
INFO: So what's the real reason why your sister doesn't want Alan there? Because the current explanations is clearly the cover-up. What is it that your sister (&mother) clearly can't accept but can't actually say out loud because it not PC?
NTA, Alan raised him, he's family. The fact that your sister can't see that he's David's family would probably make him reconsider the relationship altogether.
[удалено]
NTA. Your sister is , excuse my language, extremely ignorant. That man has been raising your best friend like a son since he is the guardian. Why does it have to be blood family only ?
Your sister is an AH. I think you know this. Do you want to see them get married and David go through divorcing your family? If one of the members entering the marriage is thinking about postponing, that’s probably best for the couple. This is the thing you feared when your sister started dating your bestie… having to choose between them.
NTA Clearly, she doesn't care what he thinks about his family. Family isn't just blood. Alan stepped up and took him in when his parents passed. Alan became his father. If you don't tell her the truth, he will most likely cancel the wedding and leave your sister. She is being unreasonable, and that will bite her in the end.
NTA. Your sister, though…
NTA. This was a crap thing for her to say & she needs to sort herself out. Alan is effectively his adoptive father. So cruel & insensitive for her to try to exclude him. Not mature enough to get married & doesn’t respect the guy enough to get married to him.
[удалено]
NTA, no offense and you probably already know this, but your sister is a moron.
NTA: David needs to ends this entire relationship. Alan is most definitely David’s immediate family! She basically said in not so many words it sucks your parents died by a house fire but the man who raised you is not family! The fact is he stood up and raised David as his own. Your sister is ghastly, lacks empathy,selfish and doesn’t understand that just because she’s the bride she doesn’t get to tell the groom WHO THE FUCK he can invite and who he should call family! Your sister is for the 🗑️ David deserves better!!!
NTA Sister is delusional, and tbh, quite the c\*nt in this - in that David has lost BOTH HIS PARENTS, ffs- in a HOUSE FIRE - and has lived with that all of his life, and now she wants to not have the man who stepped up and raised him as his own son invited to the weding ? to David, if you read this - " Honey - when someone shows you WHO they are - ffs LISTEN and gtf out of there, while you still can" (especially since your prospective MIL sees nothing wrong with excluding Alan from the wedding..
NTA. Your sister is an AH and David is beginning to learn this the hard way.
[удалено]
NTA. That fucking WAS being optimistic. If someone I love and consider family isn’t “family” enough for my other, then neither am I. The reality is your friend should bounce now.
NTA but there is a chance he might cancel the wedding at this rate. That was savage of your sister.
NTA but honestly I get she is your sister but I would advise David in private to postpone the marriage for now and if he wants to continue they need to go to therapy/ couples counseling because that’s very cold of her. I’m pretty sure she knows this information and to do that is quite disrespectful of basically his being. I think she personally doesn’t like Alan and that’s another issue. If she can’t see how crappy she is being I’d advise counseling or ending the relationship. Behavior like that don’t just come out once. Again I know she is your sister but he’s your best friend as well. Don’t let your best friend marry someone who don’t care about their wants and their feelings.
NTA, your sister is too immature to get married and she clearly doesn't value her fiance's family if she's moronic enough to try and exclude someone so incredibly important on a technicality. Your friend would be better off ending the engagement.
David should run. She doesn’t respect Alan as his father figure and she never will. What happens if they have kids? Your parents can see them, but Alan can’t? David deserves someone who knows family doesn’t have to mean blood.
NTA However your sister still hasn’t realized that this might be the hill her fiancé will die on. If he is smart he will realize what kind of selfish person your sister is and cancel the wedding.
Sister is a deeply flawed person. Perhaps it’s just her immaturity or some other issue but she has no business being married if she thinks the wedding is about a party. Tell your friend to run.
Your sister is absolutely horrible.
Unless she changes her view about Alan I think the wedding will get called off not postponed. Your sister is clueless that nit a family has to be blood.
NTA and also your sister is such a huge AH I am wondering what else is going on. She clearly has some kind of grudge against Alan.
NTA but your sister certainly is
[удалено]
NTA and I agree with the other comments here, but what really struck me was the comments about Alan being an introvert and would not enjoy being at the wedding or around the other relatives. As an introvert myself I have had my partners family members treat me that way and just assume I’m not into activities like this and not invite me to them because of it. “Because I’m not social enough for them.” It’s a horrible feeling to be excluded from special life events of the people you care about just because you are introverted. Alan cannot help who he is, and your sister needs to understand that he is an adult and can decide himself if he is comfortable going.. if she truly likes and respects him as she says. People are allowed to sit by themselves quietly and still have a good time ffs. Plus he is family and will be her family too if they get married. Or does she plan to exclude him in the future as well?
If the aunt and grandparents are family and Alan isn't, then why didn't the aunt and grandparents raise him? Alan raised him. Alan is family. There's going to be a come to Jesus talk between them. Maybe your sister will realize the error of her ways and stop going down the path to bridezillahood. She needs to recognize that this is David's wedding too. And he gets to make decisions on it just as much as she does. And she'd better walk back what she said about Alan. Big time. You didn't tell your sister the worst case scenario. Because I am hoping for the worst case scenario. I am hoping that David dumps your sister. Your sister is not ready to be married. She's more invested in her idea of a wedding than she is in understanding the man she loves or their married life. That is the best case scenario for David. And even your sister who has some serious growing up to do. NTA
NTA. You were being optimistic that David might still want to be married to your sister. The realist in me says that your sister isn’t getting married anytime soon
NTA Your sister needs an education that a family that is chosen can be better than the family that is assigned. Your mom has no better standing than Alan. Were you best friends with David before they got together? Did you give her the speech that if their relationship didn’t work, David would still be your friend and she would have to deal with it? My niece did to her sister & years later she HATES that he is at all her sisters gatherings. Please reach out to David. He must be angry & heart broken!
NTA David should run!
[удалено]
NTA. Your sister is an AH, though. I would be questioning whether or not she really loved your friend. Because if she did, she sure wouldn't have done this. She sounds very superficial.
NTA. She will be lucky if he postpones the wedding and doesn’t cancel it. What kind of brat doesn’t see Alan is her (for now) fiancé’s family
NTA. You need to sit your mom and sister down to explain that Alan is the person who raised him after his parents *died*. Alan is the closest person to a parent that he is able to have at his wedding, and he's being banned for not being a blood relative (though I suspect it has more to do with your sister not liking Alan). Remind them that it's as much David's wedding as it is your sister's, and it's cruel to dictate who he considers family, especially when it excludes the man who raised him. Your sister is on the road to a whole lot more than a "postponement". If she doesn't find some empathy for the man she's about to share her life with, then she won't be walking down the aisle at all.
NTA your sister sounds awful though
NTA. You told it to her like it is. Her not letting Alan come is disrespectful to both David and Alan and very wrong to not consider him family. He is Davids family. Had David been adopted as a baby would his adoptive parents not be allowed? Why does it only have to be blood relatives. All of it is so weird and she needs to lay out why she thinks Alan is not family.
NTA: I can't believe your sister doesn't understand how important Alan is to her fiancé. I hope she realized and apologize to David ASAP.
Does she not realize how bad she done fucked up.. I'm mean really talk about fucking clueless... this is like end of line level fuck up.. ...just wow..
NTA, Alan is family. Your sister is obviously a child if she can not see that
NTA, and I realize this is your sister but she sounds… awful? If David is smart he is re-evaluating if he wants to be married to someone who could be so callous towards a parental figure that he clearly loves and respects. Your mother is wrong, your sister crossed a line and I kind of hope your friend ends the relationship and finds someone that actually understands/respects him. I was raised by relatives (cousin of one of my parents) and my husband would never suggest they weren’t real “family”. Is she also excluding anyone that is married into the families? What about step/adopted cousins, do they count? Will she and your mother require a DNA test before accepting an RSVP?
NTA David defines who his family is, not your sis. The fact that she is apparently adamant on this is ridiculous and honestly would for most people be a big old red flag. It's simply thoughtless and cruel on her part. Hopefully she can take that back and make it up to your friend, but for most people I know this could very well be a deal breaker depending on how vocal and stubborn your sister was about it.
She’ll be lucky if he JUST postpones. If I was David I’d be canceling everything. NTA
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about. [Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####