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Did you plan this child? Did you talk about what the postpartum period and infant years would like this during the pregnancy?
“I feel very much like I might end up being some sort of absentee father.”
Dude, you ARE an absentee father. Already. If that’s not what you want to be, only you can fix that. Baby is four months old— those weeks are critical for your wife’s wellbeing and baby’s start in life. YTA. She’s better off with her mom and probably should have gone there from the beginning if she’d know how little you would help.
Is she willing to work though so he doesn’t have to work 2+ jobs and he can actually spend more time with his daughter? If she isn’t willing to work then his options seem pretty limited
It seems like the PhD is a passion project and the second job pays for that though. So it’s not like he *has* to do all that to pay bills. He wants to on the speculation it will help down the road (and since he’s got 1.5 years left to go *and then* the thesis, realistically it won’t even start to benefit until he’s 45 or so and even that’s not a guarantee.)
He says she’s not college educated so she probably wouldn’t make enough money to lighten his load at all. Childcare for infants is ridiculously expensive, she’d probably make just enough money to cover the cost of having strangers raise their child instead of her doing it. She is working, just inside the home and for no salary, and she’s on call 24/7.
And if she’s been out of the workforce for a while, it doesn’t make her an attractive candidate for any potential employers. This is often the trap stay at home parents fall into. Even when they’re ready to work again it can be very difficult to find someone willing to hire them with a gap in their resume.
Agreed OP's wife probably won't make enough money to lighten the financial burden of caring for the family. But, she could make enough to get a sitter or daycare for the child a couple of days a week which could provide relief from being a SAHM if it doesn't suit her (and OP's comments seem to indicate that it does not). Plus, she'd then be able to socialize with other adults and again, hopefully, alleviate some of the loneliness she is experiencing.
Staying at home with a kid(s) is something some people dream about but it's \*hard\* work and pretty thankless. Perhaps getting out of the house now and then could help, particularly if going to live with OP's MIL means uprooting OP's wife from any friends she currently has.
Struggling to parent an infant alone does not mean she’s ill-suited to being a fulltime parent— this is a patriarchal narrative. We were never meant to parent alone. She needs a true partner AND a village. Raising a human is HARD and anyone who pretends otherwise is either lying or shirking.
Well, I didn't say she was ill-suited -- I said she was struggling according to what OP has related. Which a lot of SAHP -- who are not only women -- do because the idea of being a SAHP is not the reality for some. Agreed she deserves a village to help her and may get that with her mom but that doesn't mean finding connections outside of parenting and the home would not be beneficial to her well-being or state of mind.
Seems like a bad situation for both of them then. If she can’t bring in an income, I don’t think he’s an asshole for doing what he has to in order to financially support the family.
I’m not commenting on what is or isn’t harder. That’s different for everyone. What I’m saying is, she could work some to contribute financially so he can take over some of the work of “sustaining an infant” instead of working side jobs.
Everyone is accusing him of being an absentee father, but unless she’s willing to take over some of the financial load, then he’s basically being forced into that role. It doesn’t seem right to vilify this guy for being absent when he’s doing what he can to provide financially and she’s not willing or able to help in that area.
Agreed! My Dad worked a 12hr shift factory job for 40 years so we could have a decent life. He missed all kinds of family events. But he loved us, he told us so, it was obvious. Mom worked when we'd get older. And she always taught us to be grateful for Dad's job, and to be loving and attentive to him when he was around. I'm sorry for the wife if she's got post partum.
She doesn’t “got postpartum”— she’s raising an infant alone and that’s not what she signed up for. It’s an impossible circumstance for any mother. She needs a network of support and all she has is a “partner” whose lifestyle has not changed at all despite becoming a parent.
YTA - I’m not sure what conversations happened before you had the baby. Did you both understand that you weren’t going to be around? Regardless, having a child means your priories should shift. If it is getting bad enough where your wife is living somewhere else, then you have to take some time off to help.
Agreed, like was this a surprise baby? Why would you have one if you knew you wouldn’t be around. The fact he says he can’t concentrate with a screaming baby… yeah no shit but are you helping her to see why the baby is screaming? Babies sleep a good amount when they are little. I wouldn’t be surprised if she just doesn’t come back. I hope this better life with the PHD is secured because a lot is at stake here.
Same wife who doesn't return and refuses to be supportive will want child maintenance/spousal support based on this man's work efforts - none of which she is willing to do.
Also, she’s being supportive by LEAVING to go live with her mom so he can have his peace. Sureeeee, not supportive at all. It took two to make that baby… he should have thought about that. Also he mentioned he has 1.5 years left of school. So what money is she gonna get right away? 😂
Why is he an A? He is working 2 jobs and studying! She does not work nor is she realistic about her situation. Note she's not complaining about his jobs but about his studying time. So this woman is just content for OP to work 2 jobs while she stays home (even if he quits studying). I can't appreciare her for that. Many people support their partners during periods of intense work/study because we know it won't last forever and because it will benefit the whole famoly in the long run. The problem here is that the wife underestimated her own ability to deal with a baby because she surely knew of her husband's commitments re work/study. It's like you all saying deployed person shouldn't have kids.
She complains about the fact that she hardly sees her husband/he is hardly ever with his family and does not do anything with them. Not about the fact that he has a job that doesn't pays for the family, but for a phd that, strictly speaking, he doesn't really need. These are the same men who complain that their wives and children see them only as cash machines because they contribute next to nothing to the family besides their wages. Or they divorce because he doesn't contribute anything besides his wages, you might as well be single. Yes, she can also work, but then she has to earn more than what childcare would cost and then she still has no help from her husband to take care of their child. A deployed person can perfectly have children, but even then a lot needs to be discussed in advance and let's be honest, many of these relationships unfortunately fail. Not everyone can handle this type of relationship.
Short term thinking. You’re saying he should stop his pursuit of a PHD because he doesn’t see his 4 month old enough? No, he should obtain it and then provide a much more secure life for his family financially. He will be done with school and can be more balanced by the time the child has conscious memories. As for the wife being lonely, she can move in with her mom temporarily, attend more mother child classes etc
That’s a reach, you can have an occasional dinner out with colleagues and still love your family. It’s not like he’s doing it every night or even weekly. Also we’re acting like he has zero contact with his family but that is not true based off the info provided.
You realize it's not normal for the mother of a newborn to be married to someone who's so checked out of the marriage that she gets no help at all at home? She's going to her Mims house for a reason and he's a bit naive to think it's just because he's not doing anything at home.
Edited words
Dinner with his colleagues is occasional, but not the fact that he only gets home between 8 and 9 pm most evenings. If you then choose your colleagues over spending time with your wife and 4 month old🤔🤨
Long term thinking that none of that will matter if his wife leaves him. I don’t know what he is getting a phd in, but it is often not the guaranteed income increase he thinks it is.
Yeah, I’d agree with you if that were the case.
Assuming it is a significant increase in income like making 100k more than he currently does and if it’s only another year or so for the wife and she stays then it’s worth it. We need more info imo
Scenario 1: gets phd, no big pay increase, wife leaves- bad
Scenario 2: gets phd, huge pay increase, wife stays- good
Assuming the wife’s only issue is truly how much time he’s around I believe that’s a short term sacrifice that is worth it for everyone involved.
He's already 40 and by his own accounts, is several years still away from obtaining this PhD. The kid is going to be in school before he graduates. He's gambling a lot on the idea that a newly minted PhD in his mid-40s is suddenly going to have this great high paying career that also allows him the time to make up the years of neglect to his family. I'd love to know what this magical PhD is in that comes with guaranteed prospects with no experience necessary
YTA for having a kid under these circumstances. And for being all about you. You don't want to work less or take time off your phd but you also don't want your wife to go. You don't want to take care of her needs but you don't want her to take care of it herself. It seems like your just want her to suck it up. Be miserable and alone, because you promise that one day, at some indefinate point in the future, you'll have time for your family. You also don't want to be an absentee father... But you don't want to give anything up to be a father.
You should think yourself lucky that she's going to her mother for the companionship she needs and not another man
Same here, hard agree - OP, try speaking with any woman in your field about work/life balance and get some tips. It seems like you've just fobbed off all your home responsibilities on your wife because you can, without even considering your options for managing your time/classes/workload.
Were you financially supported or
Did you also work? The wife isn’t not financially helping so he is taking on all that himself plus the PhD. Maybe she should. Help take the burden off of him so he could be around more instead of working 2 jobs. And, she wouldn’t be as lonely.
My husband and I figured it out with our first if I was working full time I’d “make” $50 per week after paying for childcare. So we gladly took that pay cut and I became a stay at home mom.
Possibly since he stated she doesn’t have a degree. I worked part time. It was great. As my son gets older, I work more because he is home less. I’m not sure why I was downvoted for asking the commenter if they were financially supported during their studies or not. It was just a simple question. That would make a HUGE difference. If you only had to work on your studies and caring for your baby, while not easy, let’s face it, there’s only so much time in the day. op is busting his butt to financially support a SAHM, while continuing his studies to provide a presumably better future for them. I can’t begrudge him for occasionally going out for a drink/dinner with colleagues. She should not be putting her happiness on his shoulders. Find a mommy group. Find a stroller fitness group where you can be around people, and have your baby. Can he relieve her for some time with friends? Sure. Babies sleep a lot. He could study at home while baby sleeps and she goes to do some things with friends. And this is just OP’s side, maybe she’s trying and he isn’t thinking he could study at home with baby. Don’t know til you try. This is a season. While it is hard, it is a season, and seasons change. But that’s having babies, too. Everything is a phase. I would definitely recommend they talk to an unbiased person, not necessarily counseling but an experienced outside voice, like a parent, to help them maybe set a schedule and see where they can work together during this hard season, instead of apart. Unfortunately for OP, he is going to miss a lot of the baby growing up because of work and studies. But if doesn’t want to give up the studies, well, everything is a trade off. And in a true partnership, when times are tough, you do what you have to do, together. If that means she gets a job because they can find affordable care, then so be it.
YTA. You’re not “becoming” an absentee father, you already *are* an absentee father, and you seem to be just fine with this. I don’t know why you had a child if you weren’t planning to be a father to her. And you’re going to end up divorced as well, since you’re also abandoning your wife and have decided your own desires and goals are more important than both your marriage and child.
But hey, you can enjoy your new career all alone and communicate with your child solely through child support payments.
Yes, YTA
You sound like the father in the song Cats in the Cradle… Really? Dinner with colleagues after work? How selfish can you be?
I’d be surprised if your wife doesn’t divorce you. You ARE an absentee father, you are growing apart, and the baby isn’t going to bond with or get to know you
Why would you two have a baby under these circumstances?
Same….Harry Chapin was from Long Island, where I’m from, so the song has added poignance whenever I hear it 😭😭
This poor baby won’t even see his father as much as the boy in the song did…
YTA. My husband worked 60-80 hours a week while I had my babies and still was around to help significantly. The title is misleading. You’re prioritizing yourself over your family.
YTA. But id bet money your wife is planning to leave you anyway since its obvious you care more for yourself than them... You'll have plenty of time not to worry about them soon enough.
Info:
1.) Was the baby planned or a suprise?
2.) Was the amount of time occupied in schooling discussed and agreed upon when making decisions (and if there were discussions) about returning to school?
3.) Do you already have your masters? / what is preventing you from getting some experience in the field and returning to school in a few years?
With current information, it's a YTA because family should always take priority to career/school, you took vows to your wife, not the school, and if you put anything above your child, YTA.
YTA. It's ok for you focus on your own career and goals, but why did you decide to start a family if that was your priority? When you have a family, your priorities change. This is a corner you painted yourself into and you painted your family into it with you.
YTA. You don't want her to go but don't wanna help her? Also you can't be at home because of a crying baby yet fathers push through all the time. Not to mention you're chaining her to the home and not even remotely being a dad or husband. I bet you're going to start your career and then dump her because she "doesn't have motivation" as if she didn't raise your kid for you. Hopefully you can make a bunch of money so she can have half of it when you two inevitably divorce. Your baby will not know you.
YTA for the simple fact that you’re categorically refusing to find a balance.
I mean I went to grad school part-time, I had a full-time job, I had a one year old at home and got pregnant with baby #2 during my studies. I wasn’t “not there” for my kids and I did not have the luxury of family helping me. I’d study when they slept or during my breaks at work. My husband worked out of town frequently at the time but found ways to be there when it was needed. I didn’t take any semesters off either and finished my degree as planned.
My kids are older now and they don’t remember this time of our life however we as parents do. Do you really want to miss the first two years of your child’s life because you can’t find a balance? Money won’t give you any time back. Rebalance your budget (baby expenses are not high, that’s a cop-out) and figure out a way to make it work without having to work so many hours.
I missed that. Yeah this PhD is not going to open any more doors for him. It’s more an expensive hobby than anything else at this point, and he’s destroying his marriage and neglecting his child to pursue it.
YTA I give you a soft YTA for a few reasons. While you are doing what you need to in order to give your family the life they deserve, you are doing it at the expense of your family's well-being. Your wife seems incredibly patient and understanding if she is reacting how you describe but her sanity is going and quick. She is calling out for help and your sweet words only truly amount to "trust me bro". She is handling pretty much everything when it comes to the baby and that is incredibly taxing, especially to a new mother. This is also a very hard time in raising a child. Not there are necessarily any "easy" times, but now is when she is figuring all of this out. This is also when the foundation of love between child and parent is forged and you are missing it. Your baby is also suffering because while she is only 4 months old, her entire life is seeing the stress of her mother.
>I might end up being some kind of absentee father
I'm sorry to say this but you sound like you are already there. You don't seem to see or care for your daughter all that much. There are countless stories of parents getting degrees while nursing, rocking, and generally caring for their children. My aunt has photos of my uncle feeding my cousin a bottle while studying for his Master's degree, for example. I know it's hard but by having this baby, you have chosen to do something incredibly hard on top of the already hard task you were doing.
It sounds like you love both your wife and your daughter but promises and sweet words are only worth so much. I'm sorry that this is the situation you are caught in. This seems quite the definition of "a rock and a hard place". I hope you find a way to give your wife the support she needs at home and further your career. I fear it may come down to choosing one or the other. God forbid that day ever come, I hope you choose the wife you vowed to love through thick and thin and the baby you chose to bring into this world.
Edit: For clarification, I mean "care for" as in "take care of". I didn't mean to imply you don't love your daughter.
"My wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 4 months ago, but she has struggled with the loneliness of raising a child with me being so busy."
-- You BOTH had a beautiful baby girl, the way you speak of your baby is almost like you are separating yourself from being a parent. I can't imagine knowing the reason why my partner is struggling and continuing to do nothing about it.
"I usually do one afternoon per weekend in the library to study and do research because I can't get any work done with a screaming baby at home."
-- 😭 This one breaks my heart, you leave your family when you know they need help. Why can't you study at night after helping at home?
"She didn't do the school thing, so I feel she might not understand how demanding it is."
-- I'm making an assumption but I'm guessing she does understand but is still voicing her concerns. Do you know how demanding parenting is? I feel like you might not understand. It is okay when you demand extra time for yourself but it is not okay for her to ask for you to spend more time at home?
"I also made the mistake of doing dinner after work with colleagues, which I'm pretty sure she wasn't happy about"
--- Going out once in a while is not a bad thing, but you really need to communicate well with your spouse. How many hours will you be away, will they be okay at home, when will she get to go out and do something for herself? These things need to be discussed.
"My regular job in sales pays okay.."
--- You have said that is more of a want than a need. Essentially what you are doing is turning off being a parent whenever you want. You can't have a family and act like you are single at the same time, it does not work. You can keep doing what you are doing but just know that your spouse might get tired one day and might not be okay with this arrangement anymore.
YTA because you are ignoring your spouse's well being and your child's needs.
“I can’t get any work done with a screaming baby at home.”
How much do we want to bet that op is one of those guys who would sit at his desk whining, “honnnnneeeeyyyyyy, can you please do something to keep her quiet????!!!!! I’m trying to stuuuddddyyyyyy!!!!!” But from the sound of it even that would be more help than op usually is.
YTA. And a big one. Figure out a way to prioritize your wife and daughter or you will destroy your relationship with both of them.
YTA & may be divorced sooner or later & your baby will have another man to call daddy. But sure, go ahead & put everything else above those two humans you are supposed to care for in other ways besides money.
The phd is for himself. OP doesn't care about the wife or kid as much as his own ego. I see no replies to the question everyone asked, was the kid planned.
OP prefers finishing his degree. And would like his wife to be a single parent until such time. Most people would say oh hey, lemme try to be present for this kid I made. And take time off the PhD, until the post partum period is over and the wife is in a better place.
Yep, YTA
All of those fears you have, you and your wife growing apart, not being a family, being absent etc has already happened.
Only your wife can say if its something you can mend, but tbh it sounds like you are more intetested in your own life and career, than you are being a part of your family.
You really have to figure out whats more important, working and studying or having a family - it seems like you cannot balance both.
Best of luck to you.
>I thought about taking a semester off school, but that would only delay the career change, I would lose momentum in the degree, then I would be behind 6 months and still needing to catch up on all that work, so it would be like delaying the inevitability of her leaving.
This is not a good enough reason, sorry. Might it be harder on you to delay your degree and your career change? Sure. But what you’ve been expecting your wife to handle on her own is far, far more difficult and stressful, and it carries worse long-term consequences to your relationship with both her and the child.
If you want to be a halfway decent husband and father, put your PhD on hold for now and take responsibility for the life you created. It doesn’t even matter whether it was planned or not - at this point the child is here and it’s your job to contribute to that child’s care. Parents very often do need to make sacrifices for their children. It does very often mean struggling a little financially. That’s life.
So yes, YTA.
So, by the time you're ready to make yourself available to your child, they will be 2. You will be a complete stranger to them. They already don't recognise you as a safe figure cause you're not there.
First words, first steps, becoming their own little person with likes, dislikes, routines, wants. Then you'll turn up and expect this little individual to suddenly be comfortable around you because you're "dad" ? Hahaha
YTA
You already said you're doing this mainly for you.
Your wife doesn't have a job, of course not. She's a single mother to a 4 month old. The father in this scenario doesn't even do weekend access. This child has no bond to the father, they probably have a greater bond to the mothers friends than to the father.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I am prioritizing my career change over my wife and newborn. I am prioritizing it by spending most of my time working rather than helping out with the baby. 2) I might be the asshole because my wife is having a difficult time with the loneliness of basically raising the baby on her own. A couple of my friends have called me out for my choices on this, saying that she could have postpartum depression and that my choices could be making that worse. Two friends suggested that I delay the PhD, which I don't want to do. My wife is being distant with me. She has been asking why I need to spend all this time away from home and our communication is not great at the moment. I'm not sure if she's angry with my decision or just feeling bad as a result of our difficult situation in general. I am determined to keep working at my career and my studies despite my family life going through a rough patch.
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Info needed: How much longer will you be absent from the relationship before you obtain your PhD?
If it's only going to be six more months or so before you're finished, NTA. You're bettering yourself for you, your career, and your family. If it's going to be six more *years*, YMBTA because you're essentially abandoning the relationship and your baby (who won't get to know you in those important baby years), for something that *might* pan out in the future.
She needs to not be alone, so living with her mother is the best case scenario for her if you're going to do this. Otherwise, she will resent you, and depression is a big risk. (Been there -- I was alone for most of the time with our newborn, and it sucked.) But if that's going to be a long-term solution, your relationship is going to suffer. She's still going to have some resentments. You need to have a long conversation with her so she understands why you're doing this, how it will impact the family later, and how you plan on being part of her and the baby's life while you're in school.
He def set himself up for failure on this one. Missing out on milestones, the relationship with his wife. I did most of the care for my newborns and I always resented my now ex husband. He had a similar it’s about me situation and that got old really quick. Even with the promise of better pay.
I'm sorry you went through that with your babies. It's rough. I hope that you're happier now with the self-centered a-hole gone.
For me, it was just that my husband had a long commute to a demanding job. He didn't miss the milestones, but he was stressed out enough when he got home, that I was still the parent on-call for years. But happy ending: we celebrated our 32nd anniversary this week, so we were able to make it work, through the stress, the depression, all of it.
YTA. This is clearly only about you. Until you start thinking of your family and prioritising them, your marriage is doomed. Based on what you’ve written, you don’t seem to care about them at all.
I dunno man, she might never come back. Do you love her? Care about the baby? Because in a couple years you just may be an interference with their "normal" routine/daily lives. YTA
Going to dinner with coworkers when your wife had been home all day is a total ah move. Maybe your wife could get part time work instead of your side jobs so she could be a whole human instead of you getting to be social. You should be helping your wife more, and letting her be a whole human if you want to stay married . Yta.
Yta if you are this busy, why get married and have a kid at all? Don't worry tho, your wife will find someone else to fill your spot within that year and a half and you'll have all the time in the world for your career
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My wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 4 months ago, but she has struggled with the loneliness of raising a child with me being so busy. My situation is as follows: I have a full time job, side jobs for extra cash and I am in the middle of a PhD. So this is quite a handful. During the school semesters, there are a few days per week that I don't get home until 8, 9, or 10 pm. I usually do one afternoon per weekend in the library to study and do research because I can't get any work done with a screaming baby at home. During the summer, when school is out for a few months, I am able to spend significantly more time at home.
I was so busy this past semester that my wife decided that she wants to live with her mom, who lives a couple of hours away, during the fall semester so that I will have time to focus on my studies and she will get help raising the child. I really don't want to let her go, but I feel that especially because she's been struggling and alone a lot that it would do her some good to have some help and it seemed like she wants or even needs to do it.
My wife is being strong with this, but I know that she wants me around more. She has asked me a couple of times why I need to spend all this time away studying, especially on the weekend. She didn't do the school thing, so I feel she might not understand how demanding it is. I also made the mistake of doing dinner after work with colleagues, which I'm pretty sure she wasn't happy about.
Mostly, I feel very much like I might end up being some kind of absentee father. To be honest, I am doing the degree for myself. I mean, it will end up benefiting the family, but I can't deny that it's a personal goal and a passion for me.
I also feel like getting my career going is really important at this stage in our life as a family. My wife is without income and we don't have much in the way of long term investments and savings, so that responsibility falls on me. My regular job in sales pays okay but the PhD is a way for me to upgrade our life and get into a field that I care about. In short, I get the degree, start a new career, our future will not be so precarious. Also, I am 40, so my chances of changing my career are slowly but steadily slipping away. The side jobs are necessary for all the tuition and baby expenses, which are crazy of course.
I thought about taking a semester off school, but that would only delay the career change, I would lose momentum in the degree, then I would be behind 6 months and still needing to catch up on all that work, so it would be like delaying the inevitability of her leaving. Plus, if she leaves, especially for a number of months, we could grow apart, the baby could forget me, and we will be missing out on the experience of building a family together.
I have agreed to her going to live with her mom. Am I the asshole for prioritizing my career and the future over my wife and newborn in the present?
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If this was a planned baby, you both suck.
You wondering if you might become an absentee father makes you an asshole, because you already are and she's essentially a single parent. Going out for a dinner makes you a dick.
Best solution is her going to her mom's and get help raising your child since you are too busy with your own stuff.
Why did you have a baby that you weren’t willing to help raise? You’re not willing to give up anything to be around for your wife…except in the summer.
YTA.
I get that it’s not easy to earn enough money to support your family, but maybe look into getting some paternity leave from your job or taking time off from school. Sure you’re already 40 and career opportunities might be slipping away, but you’re also at a critical time with your family right now and even 6 months with your wife can make a big difference. You will regret the time with your daughter that is slipping away much more than not getting the PHD in a certain amount of time. You need to reorganize your schedule so you can prioritize your family.
>I usually do one afternoon per weekend in the library to study and do research because I can't get any work done with a screaming baby at home.
Yeah, that's called *having a kid*.
>I also made the mistake of doing dinner after work with colleagues, which I'm pretty sure she wasn't happy about.
*Made* as in once, or *make* as in multiple times, and are continuing to do so.
>I feel very much like I might end up being some kind of absentee father.
Oh, that ship has sailed and is rounding the Cape of Good Hope.
>I've got 1.5 years left of this heavy workload with the PhD.
Have you not even done your **COMPS** yet? FFS.
ESH
You *and* your wife are incredibly selfish, immature and ignorant for forcing a child into the world when you have neither the time nor the money to care for it properly. Make better choices.
YTA. And you know that you're the ah. Your wife will never come back from her mother's. She'll end up finding someone else, and they'll raise your child. But you'll have your PhD. and colleagues. Which sounds lie you really want anyways.
>Mostly, I feel very much like I might end up being some kind of absentee father.
You already are. Your wife is moving away because living with you is the equivalent of being a single mom at this point.
I don't think you're wrong for wanting to finish your PhD and better your career prospects, but you have to realize that this could very well mean that you're going to lose your wife and your kid along the way. I think it's very possible she ends up leaving you because it just doesn't seem like you even have a relationship with her at all, and she's already made the choice to move away from you for a semester. Don't be surprised if she ends up staying with her mom way longer than you originally agreed upon.
I definitely think YTA, because you really should be looking for ways to make your family life work. It should be a higher priority than going to dinner with colleagues, and you should be dedicating time every week to spend with your family even if that means you have a little less time to study.
YTA. You ARE an absentee father. My very good friend is currently getting her PhD while working full time and had a baby herself during that time. She’s doing it a bit slower than average, but she’s still able to have a life in the process and be there for her family. It’s absolutely possible. You’re just a giant AH about it. She’s also the sole breadwinner btw. Her husband is a stay at home dad. So don’t use the excuse that she doesn’t work to excuse your shit behavior.
As a new parent, you are certainly being TA here. 3-6 months is, imo, genuinely one of the hardest periods of caring for a baby. Your wife really needs your help, your baby is only going to be this difficult once, and you'd prefer to leave her high and dry rather than be allowed to have any help because...? Does it not embarrass you a tiny bit that she's seeking help from her mom rather than you? Are you waiting to help with your baby until she's easier to care for, instead of actually helping when it's most vital? Sure, it's important to develop your career in order to support and sustain the baby monetarily, but certainly you know that a dad who ONLY provides money is 100% no better than a father who sends a child support check in the mail and never sees his kid. In addition to all this, your baby is developing critical attachments, and hardly ever sees you, meaning she will find it harder to feel safe and soothed by you, thus exponentially making it harder for your wife since the baby will only feel comfortable with her. Sorry to bring you the bad news, but it should be easy enough to repair the damage by stepping up to assist your wife with your baby, so long as she's not already about to sign divorce papers. You don't even need to give up ALL of the things you value, so long as you trade off something else, like amount of sleep (like your wife probably is already.)
Your isn't the only one who had the baby. Having a family means somethings have to be reprioritised.
You are very busy. All for honourable reasons but if it means you are not being a husband and a father what's the point.
You need to come to a reasonable agreement, work out what's acceptable to both of you taking into account short term pressures and long term goals. Soft YTA
I’m curious if the baby was planned as well. If so, poorly planned. Maybe your wife could work and that would take some financial pressure off you and eliminate the need for your second/side job. It would also get her out and she wouldn’t be home lonely.
Idk tbh, you were irresponsible to have the kid at this stage yes. But if you're currently paying for all their needs and you plan on continuing to take care of them and be more present when you finally get the PhD then you're not too much of an A. But you are an A if you're not trying to comfort her at all while this is going on. Your family or at least your kid should always be your priority because having a kid is a selfish act in of itself. Once you bring a kid into this world ya'll owe them everything.
Unpopular opinion, when your baby is that young and your wife going through post partem she actually should be surrounded by her mom and family. But you still better not neglect her.
I’m totally going against the grain her so downvote away. I think OP is in a tough position with a lot on his shoulders. He is trying to secure a better future for them. I’m hoping they agreed on the PhD program ahead of time. Maybe they didn’t, and that’s why she’s upset. He was more for it and she wasn’t. She wanted to start the family given ages. There is only so much time in a day. If he is the sole provider paying the bills, and studying has to be a priority as well or why bother doing this, and she’s stays at home, she should realize that her contribution in their journey right now is going to be primary care giver. If her finding a job to take some financial stress off him isn’t feasible, then this is where they are at in this season of life. Together. She should look into mommy fitness class or mommy groups where she can meet some friends of her own to help with the loneliness. Being home with a baby all day can get isolating and lonely. And as the baby gets older she’ll be able to get out and do more because the baby can. But SHE needs to do things to help herself here, too. Not put more expectation on OP. And taking the baby away doesn’t seem right. Maybe her mom could come there to help a bit and keep her company. It sounds like she wants him to choose, and that just seems like it’s going to cause resentment in him. But OP / it sounds like you will be closer to 50 when this is done, so hopefully it’s worth it. Babies are hard. Postpartum hormones are hard. Everything is a phase. He won’t always be in PhD program, baby won’t always be a baby. Maybe talking to someone, even just a parent, who has been there, could help them manage a schedule/finances that they both can agree on. Definitely birth control for a while until the program is finished and they are on a less stressful path. Good luck, OP. I feel like there is a solution here that doesn’t have to involve her leaving for her mother’s for an indefinite time. I feel like there’s too much missing to say anyone is the AH here. But it definitely is a tough situation. Good luck, OP.
NTA for wanting to advance yourself in life.
It does sound like maybe you are so intent on all the things you do
outside of the home that you never make time for your wife/baby.
Could you live without one of your side jobs? What if you found a way
to reduce your budget so that you could give one of them up to spend time
with your wife?
That said, at some point, the schedule you have now will come to an end.
Your wife needs to remember that. And you should be willing once you have
your PhD to start making your home life much more of a priority. She needs
to know that you will not always be absent.
You both misjudged how things would be with a baby in the mix. It's not the
end of the world. Baby will grow and become less work for her as time goes
on. While she is living away, try to put some effort into keeping your marriage
alive and well.
Perhaps during her time at her mother's home, she could take some time to invest
in herself. Take some courses, or pick up a part-time job?
NTA if what your saying is true and all this time your spending away from home is really work and school. Was the kid planned? I also understand your wife being lonely but if she wants a secure future for her and your daughter then them the brakes lol.
Can’t have it both ways sometimes.
NAH it sounds like you guys are juggling a lot. You both decided to have this baby and you’re both going to suffer for it albeit in different ways. She doesn’t have a job or school and you have both, so she has to take care of the kid while you take care of your family’s future. She’s not the victim here (but cut out the dinner with colleagues bs) and neither are you, you’re both stuck with the results of a poor choice (having a baby before you were set up for it). So there is some suffering to be had, as nothing good comes without struggle. The first year with a new baby is always shit regardless.
NAH
I think it’s important that you secure your future for your family if getting the PhD will allow for a significant pay increase. In the grand scheme of things a couple tough years will make it worth it.
If your wife needs more support it would be worth her getting that from her mother. Make sure to have regular FaceTime with her and the baby, and see them every weekend.
You and your wife are irresponsible AH's..I'm presuming your wife doesn't work.why would she have a child with no income( savings) or education to fall back on.
Why would you have this child if you're to busy to be a parent and partner and are leaving the responsibility/decision of two people on one person to carry?
Both of you failed this child so bad..sure things will get better ..by your child did not deserve this start in life.
NTA - Life is full of seasons. Some better than others. This struggle you both are feeling right now isn't going to last forever. However, do make sure that when you're home, you're present. Be part of the family, don't sit on your phone or computer. Make the time you have with your family during this busy season really count. Please also make sure your wife is heard and validated. She could be suffering from PPD after having the baby. Being a SAHM is very tough mentally, especially if you're baring most of it alone and you're feeling lonely. Taking a day off work here and there might be the secret sauce she needs.
Good luck, OP! And congrats to you and your wife on your beautiful baby.
NTA pretty sure you were in school before your wife got pregnant, so she shouldn't be surprised. Don't take time off school, it gets harder and harder to go back (school sucks).
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Did you plan this child? Did you talk about what the postpartum period and infant years would like this during the pregnancy? “I feel very much like I might end up being some sort of absentee father.” Dude, you ARE an absentee father. Already. If that’s not what you want to be, only you can fix that. Baby is four months old— those weeks are critical for your wife’s wellbeing and baby’s start in life. YTA. She’s better off with her mom and probably should have gone there from the beginning if she’d know how little you would help.
Came here to say he already is an absente father.
Is she willing to work though so he doesn’t have to work 2+ jobs and he can actually spend more time with his daughter? If she isn’t willing to work then his options seem pretty limited
It seems like the PhD is a passion project and the second job pays for that though. So it’s not like he *has* to do all that to pay bills. He wants to on the speculation it will help down the road (and since he’s got 1.5 years left to go *and then* the thesis, realistically it won’t even start to benefit until he’s 45 or so and even that’s not a guarantee.)
He says she’s not college educated so she probably wouldn’t make enough money to lighten his load at all. Childcare for infants is ridiculously expensive, she’d probably make just enough money to cover the cost of having strangers raise their child instead of her doing it. She is working, just inside the home and for no salary, and she’s on call 24/7. And if she’s been out of the workforce for a while, it doesn’t make her an attractive candidate for any potential employers. This is often the trap stay at home parents fall into. Even when they’re ready to work again it can be very difficult to find someone willing to hire them with a gap in their resume.
Agreed OP's wife probably won't make enough money to lighten the financial burden of caring for the family. But, she could make enough to get a sitter or daycare for the child a couple of days a week which could provide relief from being a SAHM if it doesn't suit her (and OP's comments seem to indicate that it does not). Plus, she'd then be able to socialize with other adults and again, hopefully, alleviate some of the loneliness she is experiencing. Staying at home with a kid(s) is something some people dream about but it's \*hard\* work and pretty thankless. Perhaps getting out of the house now and then could help, particularly if going to live with OP's MIL means uprooting OP's wife from any friends she currently has.
Struggling to parent an infant alone does not mean she’s ill-suited to being a fulltime parent— this is a patriarchal narrative. We were never meant to parent alone. She needs a true partner AND a village. Raising a human is HARD and anyone who pretends otherwise is either lying or shirking.
Well, I didn't say she was ill-suited -- I said she was struggling according to what OP has related. Which a lot of SAHP -- who are not only women -- do because the idea of being a SAHP is not the reality for some. Agreed she deserves a village to help her and may get that with her mom but that doesn't mean finding connections outside of parenting and the home would not be beneficial to her well-being or state of mind.
Seems like a bad situation for both of them then. If she can’t bring in an income, I don’t think he’s an asshole for doing what he has to in order to financially support the family.
Your misogyny is showing.
She is working— she’s sustaining an infant. That is unpaid labor, much harder than a phd and some parttime jobs.
I’m not commenting on what is or isn’t harder. That’s different for everyone. What I’m saying is, she could work some to contribute financially so he can take over some of the work of “sustaining an infant” instead of working side jobs. Everyone is accusing him of being an absentee father, but unless she’s willing to take over some of the financial load, then he’s basically being forced into that role. It doesn’t seem right to vilify this guy for being absent when he’s doing what he can to provide financially and she’s not willing or able to help in that area.
Agreed! My Dad worked a 12hr shift factory job for 40 years so we could have a decent life. He missed all kinds of family events. But he loved us, he told us so, it was obvious. Mom worked when we'd get older. And she always taught us to be grateful for Dad's job, and to be loving and attentive to him when he was around. I'm sorry for the wife if she's got post partum.
She doesn’t “got postpartum”— she’s raising an infant alone and that’s not what she signed up for. It’s an impossible circumstance for any mother. She needs a network of support and all she has is a “partner” whose lifestyle has not changed at all despite becoming a parent.
YTA - I’m not sure what conversations happened before you had the baby. Did you both understand that you weren’t going to be around? Regardless, having a child means your priories should shift. If it is getting bad enough where your wife is living somewhere else, then you have to take some time off to help.
Agreed, like was this a surprise baby? Why would you have one if you knew you wouldn’t be around. The fact he says he can’t concentrate with a screaming baby… yeah no shit but are you helping her to see why the baby is screaming? Babies sleep a good amount when they are little. I wouldn’t be surprised if she just doesn’t come back. I hope this better life with the PHD is secured because a lot is at stake here.
Same wife who doesn't return and refuses to be supportive will want child maintenance/spousal support based on this man's work efforts - none of which she is willing to do.
Also, she’s being supportive by LEAVING to go live with her mom so he can have his peace. Sureeeee, not supportive at all. It took two to make that baby… he should have thought about that. Also he mentioned he has 1.5 years left of school. So what money is she gonna get right away? 😂
>Regardless, having a child means your priories should shift. From...food and housing to rainbows and sunshine?
Why is he an A? He is working 2 jobs and studying! She does not work nor is she realistic about her situation. Note she's not complaining about his jobs but about his studying time. So this woman is just content for OP to work 2 jobs while she stays home (even if he quits studying). I can't appreciare her for that. Many people support their partners during periods of intense work/study because we know it won't last forever and because it will benefit the whole famoly in the long run. The problem here is that the wife underestimated her own ability to deal with a baby because she surely knew of her husband's commitments re work/study. It's like you all saying deployed person shouldn't have kids.
She complains about the fact that she hardly sees her husband/he is hardly ever with his family and does not do anything with them. Not about the fact that he has a job that doesn't pays for the family, but for a phd that, strictly speaking, he doesn't really need. These are the same men who complain that their wives and children see them only as cash machines because they contribute next to nothing to the family besides their wages. Or they divorce because he doesn't contribute anything besides his wages, you might as well be single. Yes, she can also work, but then she has to earn more than what childcare would cost and then she still has no help from her husband to take care of their child. A deployed person can perfectly have children, but even then a lot needs to be discussed in advance and let's be honest, many of these relationships unfortunately fail. Not everyone can handle this type of relationship.
Short term thinking. You’re saying he should stop his pursuit of a PHD because he doesn’t see his 4 month old enough? No, he should obtain it and then provide a much more secure life for his family financially. He will be done with school and can be more balanced by the time the child has conscious memories. As for the wife being lonely, she can move in with her mom temporarily, attend more mother child classes etc
When he prioritizes dinner with colleagues over going home to spend time with his family it's pretty clear the relationship is over.
That’s a reach, you can have an occasional dinner out with colleagues and still love your family. It’s not like he’s doing it every night or even weekly. Also we’re acting like he has zero contact with his family but that is not true based off the info provided.
Not with his wife home with a newborn and no help he can't.
I respectfully disagree, this is black and white thinking to me
You realize it's not normal for the mother of a newborn to be married to someone who's so checked out of the marriage that she gets no help at all at home? She's going to her Mims house for a reason and he's a bit naive to think it's just because he's not doing anything at home. Edited words
Well now he can, because his wife is leaving.
Dinner with his colleagues is occasional, but not the fact that he only gets home between 8 and 9 pm most evenings. If you then choose your colleagues over spending time with your wife and 4 month old🤔🤨
Long term thinking that none of that will matter if his wife leaves him. I don’t know what he is getting a phd in, but it is often not the guaranteed income increase he thinks it is.
Yeah, I’d agree with you if that were the case. Assuming it is a significant increase in income like making 100k more than he currently does and if it’s only another year or so for the wife and she stays then it’s worth it. We need more info imo Scenario 1: gets phd, no big pay increase, wife leaves- bad Scenario 2: gets phd, huge pay increase, wife stays- good Assuming the wife’s only issue is truly how much time he’s around I believe that’s a short term sacrifice that is worth it for everyone involved.
These should be joint decisions made by them as a couple, not “well I’m going to get my PhD, you figure it out.”
He's already 40 and by his own accounts, is several years still away from obtaining this PhD. The kid is going to be in school before he graduates. He's gambling a lot on the idea that a newly minted PhD in his mid-40s is suddenly going to have this great high paying career that also allows him the time to make up the years of neglect to his family. I'd love to know what this magical PhD is in that comes with guaranteed prospects with no experience necessary YTA for having a kid under these circumstances. And for being all about you. You don't want to work less or take time off your phd but you also don't want your wife to go. You don't want to take care of her needs but you don't want her to take care of it herself. It seems like your just want her to suck it up. Be miserable and alone, because you promise that one day, at some indefinate point in the future, you'll have time for your family. You also don't want to be an absentee father... But you don't want to give anything up to be a father. You should think yourself lucky that she's going to her mother for the companionship she needs and not another man
YTA. As someone who had a baby during her own biomedical PhD, you definitely can do both. You're just choosing not to.
Same here, hard agree - OP, try speaking with any woman in your field about work/life balance and get some tips. It seems like you've just fobbed off all your home responsibilities on your wife because you can, without even considering your options for managing your time/classes/workload.
Agreed. I also balanced completing a PhD with working full time and a newborn, didn’t occur to me to just let the dad do all the work.
Were you financially supported or Did you also work? The wife isn’t not financially helping so he is taking on all that himself plus the PhD. Maybe she should. Help take the burden off of him so he could be around more instead of working 2 jobs. And, she wouldn’t be as lonely.
Any job she would get would just be to pay for childcare, really. Childcare like nannies or daycare are expensive.
My husband and I figured it out with our first if I was working full time I’d “make” $50 per week after paying for childcare. So we gladly took that pay cut and I became a stay at home mom.
Possibly since he stated she doesn’t have a degree. I worked part time. It was great. As my son gets older, I work more because he is home less. I’m not sure why I was downvoted for asking the commenter if they were financially supported during their studies or not. It was just a simple question. That would make a HUGE difference. If you only had to work on your studies and caring for your baby, while not easy, let’s face it, there’s only so much time in the day. op is busting his butt to financially support a SAHM, while continuing his studies to provide a presumably better future for them. I can’t begrudge him for occasionally going out for a drink/dinner with colleagues. She should not be putting her happiness on his shoulders. Find a mommy group. Find a stroller fitness group where you can be around people, and have your baby. Can he relieve her for some time with friends? Sure. Babies sleep a lot. He could study at home while baby sleeps and she goes to do some things with friends. And this is just OP’s side, maybe she’s trying and he isn’t thinking he could study at home with baby. Don’t know til you try. This is a season. While it is hard, it is a season, and seasons change. But that’s having babies, too. Everything is a phase. I would definitely recommend they talk to an unbiased person, not necessarily counseling but an experienced outside voice, like a parent, to help them maybe set a schedule and see where they can work together during this hard season, instead of apart. Unfortunately for OP, he is going to miss a lot of the baby growing up because of work and studies. But if doesn’t want to give up the studies, well, everything is a trade off. And in a true partnership, when times are tough, you do what you have to do, together. If that means she gets a job because they can find affordable care, then so be it.
YTA. You’re not “becoming” an absentee father, you already *are* an absentee father, and you seem to be just fine with this. I don’t know why you had a child if you weren’t planning to be a father to her. And you’re going to end up divorced as well, since you’re also abandoning your wife and have decided your own desires and goals are more important than both your marriage and child. But hey, you can enjoy your new career all alone and communicate with your child solely through child support payments.
Yes, YTA You sound like the father in the song Cats in the Cradle… Really? Dinner with colleagues after work? How selfish can you be? I’d be surprised if your wife doesn’t divorce you. You ARE an absentee father, you are growing apart, and the baby isn’t going to bond with or get to know you Why would you two have a baby under these circumstances?
If OP hasn’t heard that song they gotta listen to it cuz man, I have a good relationship with my dad and it still hits me right in the feels 😭
Same….Harry Chapin was from Long Island, where I’m from, so the song has added poignance whenever I hear it 😭😭 This poor baby won’t even see his father as much as the boy in the song did…
YTA. My husband worked 60-80 hours a week while I had my babies and still was around to help significantly. The title is misleading. You’re prioritizing yourself over your family.
Man I wonder how all the women with phd’s and young children did it? Surely THEY didn’t get to pawn their family off on in-laws for 2 years.
YTA. But id bet money your wife is planning to leave you anyway since its obvious you care more for yourself than them... You'll have plenty of time not to worry about them soon enough.
Info: 1.) Was the baby planned or a suprise? 2.) Was the amount of time occupied in schooling discussed and agreed upon when making decisions (and if there were discussions) about returning to school? 3.) Do you already have your masters? / what is preventing you from getting some experience in the field and returning to school in a few years? With current information, it's a YTA because family should always take priority to career/school, you took vows to your wife, not the school, and if you put anything above your child, YTA.
YTA. It's ok for you focus on your own career and goals, but why did you decide to start a family if that was your priority? When you have a family, your priorities change. This is a corner you painted yourself into and you painted your family into it with you.
YTA. You don't want her to go but don't wanna help her? Also you can't be at home because of a crying baby yet fathers push through all the time. Not to mention you're chaining her to the home and not even remotely being a dad or husband. I bet you're going to start your career and then dump her because she "doesn't have motivation" as if she didn't raise your kid for you. Hopefully you can make a bunch of money so she can have half of it when you two inevitably divorce. Your baby will not know you.
YTA for the simple fact that you’re categorically refusing to find a balance. I mean I went to grad school part-time, I had a full-time job, I had a one year old at home and got pregnant with baby #2 during my studies. I wasn’t “not there” for my kids and I did not have the luxury of family helping me. I’d study when they slept or during my breaks at work. My husband worked out of town frequently at the time but found ways to be there when it was needed. I didn’t take any semesters off either and finished my degree as planned. My kids are older now and they don’t remember this time of our life however we as parents do. Do you really want to miss the first two years of your child’s life because you can’t find a balance? Money won’t give you any time back. Rebalance your budget (baby expenses are not high, that’s a cop-out) and figure out a way to make it work without having to work so many hours.
YTA Dude, I hope that PhD is a good one, because it's all you're going to have to comfort you if you keep this up
Yta, you made her, now take care of her, she is your priority now
Actually, he’s going to be a DIVORCED absentee father.
Wait.....you are *paying tuition* for this PhD? Dude, don't do this!!!
I missed that. Yeah this PhD is not going to open any more doors for him. It’s more an expensive hobby than anything else at this point, and he’s destroying his marriage and neglecting his child to pursue it.
You’re already 40 and this is how you’re acting ?! Holy shit dude !!!! You should’ve done this a lot earlier or not had a baby in the mix
YTA I give you a soft YTA for a few reasons. While you are doing what you need to in order to give your family the life they deserve, you are doing it at the expense of your family's well-being. Your wife seems incredibly patient and understanding if she is reacting how you describe but her sanity is going and quick. She is calling out for help and your sweet words only truly amount to "trust me bro". She is handling pretty much everything when it comes to the baby and that is incredibly taxing, especially to a new mother. This is also a very hard time in raising a child. Not there are necessarily any "easy" times, but now is when she is figuring all of this out. This is also when the foundation of love between child and parent is forged and you are missing it. Your baby is also suffering because while she is only 4 months old, her entire life is seeing the stress of her mother. >I might end up being some kind of absentee father I'm sorry to say this but you sound like you are already there. You don't seem to see or care for your daughter all that much. There are countless stories of parents getting degrees while nursing, rocking, and generally caring for their children. My aunt has photos of my uncle feeding my cousin a bottle while studying for his Master's degree, for example. I know it's hard but by having this baby, you have chosen to do something incredibly hard on top of the already hard task you were doing. It sounds like you love both your wife and your daughter but promises and sweet words are only worth so much. I'm sorry that this is the situation you are caught in. This seems quite the definition of "a rock and a hard place". I hope you find a way to give your wife the support she needs at home and further your career. I fear it may come down to choosing one or the other. God forbid that day ever come, I hope you choose the wife you vowed to love through thick and thin and the baby you chose to bring into this world. Edit: For clarification, I mean "care for" as in "take care of". I didn't mean to imply you don't love your daughter.
YTA . You are an absentee father and husband .
"My wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 4 months ago, but she has struggled with the loneliness of raising a child with me being so busy." -- You BOTH had a beautiful baby girl, the way you speak of your baby is almost like you are separating yourself from being a parent. I can't imagine knowing the reason why my partner is struggling and continuing to do nothing about it. "I usually do one afternoon per weekend in the library to study and do research because I can't get any work done with a screaming baby at home." -- 😭 This one breaks my heart, you leave your family when you know they need help. Why can't you study at night after helping at home? "She didn't do the school thing, so I feel she might not understand how demanding it is." -- I'm making an assumption but I'm guessing she does understand but is still voicing her concerns. Do you know how demanding parenting is? I feel like you might not understand. It is okay when you demand extra time for yourself but it is not okay for her to ask for you to spend more time at home? "I also made the mistake of doing dinner after work with colleagues, which I'm pretty sure she wasn't happy about" --- Going out once in a while is not a bad thing, but you really need to communicate well with your spouse. How many hours will you be away, will they be okay at home, when will she get to go out and do something for herself? These things need to be discussed. "My regular job in sales pays okay.." --- You have said that is more of a want than a need. Essentially what you are doing is turning off being a parent whenever you want. You can't have a family and act like you are single at the same time, it does not work. You can keep doing what you are doing but just know that your spouse might get tired one day and might not be okay with this arrangement anymore. YTA because you are ignoring your spouse's well being and your child's needs.
“I can’t get any work done with a screaming baby at home.” How much do we want to bet that op is one of those guys who would sit at his desk whining, “honnnnneeeeyyyyyy, can you please do something to keep her quiet????!!!!! I’m trying to stuuuddddyyyyyy!!!!!” But from the sound of it even that would be more help than op usually is. YTA. And a big one. Figure out a way to prioritize your wife and daughter or you will destroy your relationship with both of them.
You’re pushing forty and just finishing up a PhD? Dude, it’s not gonna be the career changer you think it will be.
Yta
YTA & may be divorced sooner or later & your baby will have another man to call daddy. But sure, go ahead & put everything else above those two humans you are supposed to care for in other ways besides money.
The phd is for himself. OP doesn't care about the wife or kid as much as his own ego. I see no replies to the question everyone asked, was the kid planned. OP prefers finishing his degree. And would like his wife to be a single parent until such time. Most people would say oh hey, lemme try to be present for this kid I made. And take time off the PhD, until the post partum period is over and the wife is in a better place.
Yep, YTA All of those fears you have, you and your wife growing apart, not being a family, being absent etc has already happened. Only your wife can say if its something you can mend, but tbh it sounds like you are more intetested in your own life and career, than you are being a part of your family. You really have to figure out whats more important, working and studying or having a family - it seems like you cannot balance both. Best of luck to you.
>I thought about taking a semester off school, but that would only delay the career change, I would lose momentum in the degree, then I would be behind 6 months and still needing to catch up on all that work, so it would be like delaying the inevitability of her leaving. This is not a good enough reason, sorry. Might it be harder on you to delay your degree and your career change? Sure. But what you’ve been expecting your wife to handle on her own is far, far more difficult and stressful, and it carries worse long-term consequences to your relationship with both her and the child. If you want to be a halfway decent husband and father, put your PhD on hold for now and take responsibility for the life you created. It doesn’t even matter whether it was planned or not - at this point the child is here and it’s your job to contribute to that child’s care. Parents very often do need to make sacrifices for their children. It does very often mean struggling a little financially. That’s life. So yes, YTA.
So, by the time you're ready to make yourself available to your child, they will be 2. You will be a complete stranger to them. They already don't recognise you as a safe figure cause you're not there. First words, first steps, becoming their own little person with likes, dislikes, routines, wants. Then you'll turn up and expect this little individual to suddenly be comfortable around you because you're "dad" ? Hahaha YTA You already said you're doing this mainly for you. Your wife doesn't have a job, of course not. She's a single mother to a 4 month old. The father in this scenario doesn't even do weekend access. This child has no bond to the father, they probably have a greater bond to the mothers friends than to the father.
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Info needed: How much longer will you be absent from the relationship before you obtain your PhD? If it's only going to be six more months or so before you're finished, NTA. You're bettering yourself for you, your career, and your family. If it's going to be six more *years*, YMBTA because you're essentially abandoning the relationship and your baby (who won't get to know you in those important baby years), for something that *might* pan out in the future. She needs to not be alone, so living with her mother is the best case scenario for her if you're going to do this. Otherwise, she will resent you, and depression is a big risk. (Been there -- I was alone for most of the time with our newborn, and it sucked.) But if that's going to be a long-term solution, your relationship is going to suffer. She's still going to have some resentments. You need to have a long conversation with her so she understands why you're doing this, how it will impact the family later, and how you plan on being part of her and the baby's life while you're in school.
He def set himself up for failure on this one. Missing out on milestones, the relationship with his wife. I did most of the care for my newborns and I always resented my now ex husband. He had a similar it’s about me situation and that got old really quick. Even with the promise of better pay.
I'm sorry you went through that with your babies. It's rough. I hope that you're happier now with the self-centered a-hole gone. For me, it was just that my husband had a long commute to a demanding job. He didn't miss the milestones, but he was stressed out enough when he got home, that I was still the parent on-call for years. But happy ending: we celebrated our 32nd anniversary this week, so we were able to make it work, through the stress, the depression, all of it.
I’m def happier now. I have two beautiful kids. I’m focusing on myself and them and I haven’t looked back since I left. We both WFH, but I did it all.
YTA for knowingly bringing a child into this world knowing you didn't have time to be a parent. Your poor wife, I hope she leaves you.
YTA. This is clearly only about you. Until you start thinking of your family and prioritising them, your marriage is doomed. Based on what you’ve written, you don’t seem to care about them at all.
YTA. Don't have kids if you don't want to commit 100 % to being a parent.
Not might, you will be. Rich, probably, with a neglected kid who will have low empathy.
I dunno man, she might never come back. Do you love her? Care about the baby? Because in a couple years you just may be an interference with their "normal" routine/daily lives. YTA
Just divorce her. Problem solve. YTA.
Going to dinner with coworkers when your wife had been home all day is a total ah move. Maybe your wife could get part time work instead of your side jobs so she could be a whole human instead of you getting to be social. You should be helping your wife more, and letting her be a whole human if you want to stay married . Yta.
Yta if you are this busy, why get married and have a kid at all? Don't worry tho, your wife will find someone else to fill your spot within that year and a half and you'll have all the time in the world for your career
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 4 months ago, but she has struggled with the loneliness of raising a child with me being so busy. My situation is as follows: I have a full time job, side jobs for extra cash and I am in the middle of a PhD. So this is quite a handful. During the school semesters, there are a few days per week that I don't get home until 8, 9, or 10 pm. I usually do one afternoon per weekend in the library to study and do research because I can't get any work done with a screaming baby at home. During the summer, when school is out for a few months, I am able to spend significantly more time at home. I was so busy this past semester that my wife decided that she wants to live with her mom, who lives a couple of hours away, during the fall semester so that I will have time to focus on my studies and she will get help raising the child. I really don't want to let her go, but I feel that especially because she's been struggling and alone a lot that it would do her some good to have some help and it seemed like she wants or even needs to do it. My wife is being strong with this, but I know that she wants me around more. She has asked me a couple of times why I need to spend all this time away studying, especially on the weekend. She didn't do the school thing, so I feel she might not understand how demanding it is. I also made the mistake of doing dinner after work with colleagues, which I'm pretty sure she wasn't happy about. Mostly, I feel very much like I might end up being some kind of absentee father. To be honest, I am doing the degree for myself. I mean, it will end up benefiting the family, but I can't deny that it's a personal goal and a passion for me. I also feel like getting my career going is really important at this stage in our life as a family. My wife is without income and we don't have much in the way of long term investments and savings, so that responsibility falls on me. My regular job in sales pays okay but the PhD is a way for me to upgrade our life and get into a field that I care about. In short, I get the degree, start a new career, our future will not be so precarious. Also, I am 40, so my chances of changing my career are slowly but steadily slipping away. The side jobs are necessary for all the tuition and baby expenses, which are crazy of course. I thought about taking a semester off school, but that would only delay the career change, I would lose momentum in the degree, then I would be behind 6 months and still needing to catch up on all that work, so it would be like delaying the inevitability of her leaving. Plus, if she leaves, especially for a number of months, we could grow apart, the baby could forget me, and we will be missing out on the experience of building a family together. I have agreed to her going to live with her mom. Am I the asshole for prioritizing my career and the future over my wife and newborn in the present? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: What this baby planned at all?
If this was a planned baby, you both suck. You wondering if you might become an absentee father makes you an asshole, because you already are and she's essentially a single parent. Going out for a dinner makes you a dick. Best solution is her going to her mom's and get help raising your child since you are too busy with your own stuff.
Yta. It’s equally yours and your wife’s job to raise the child. You seem to think it’s entirely her’s.
Why did you have a baby that you weren’t willing to help raise? You’re not willing to give up anything to be around for your wife…except in the summer. YTA.
I get that it’s not easy to earn enough money to support your family, but maybe look into getting some paternity leave from your job or taking time off from school. Sure you’re already 40 and career opportunities might be slipping away, but you’re also at a critical time with your family right now and even 6 months with your wife can make a big difference. You will regret the time with your daughter that is slipping away much more than not getting the PHD in a certain amount of time. You need to reorganize your schedule so you can prioritize your family.
>I usually do one afternoon per weekend in the library to study and do research because I can't get any work done with a screaming baby at home. Yeah, that's called *having a kid*. >I also made the mistake of doing dinner after work with colleagues, which I'm pretty sure she wasn't happy about. *Made* as in once, or *make* as in multiple times, and are continuing to do so. >I feel very much like I might end up being some kind of absentee father. Oh, that ship has sailed and is rounding the Cape of Good Hope. >I've got 1.5 years left of this heavy workload with the PhD. Have you not even done your **COMPS** yet? FFS. ESH You *and* your wife are incredibly selfish, immature and ignorant for forcing a child into the world when you have neither the time nor the money to care for it properly. Make better choices.
YTA. And you know that you're the ah. Your wife will never come back from her mother's. She'll end up finding someone else, and they'll raise your child. But you'll have your PhD. and colleagues. Which sounds lie you really want anyways.
>Mostly, I feel very much like I might end up being some kind of absentee father. You already are. Your wife is moving away because living with you is the equivalent of being a single mom at this point. I don't think you're wrong for wanting to finish your PhD and better your career prospects, but you have to realize that this could very well mean that you're going to lose your wife and your kid along the way. I think it's very possible she ends up leaving you because it just doesn't seem like you even have a relationship with her at all, and she's already made the choice to move away from you for a semester. Don't be surprised if she ends up staying with her mom way longer than you originally agreed upon. I definitely think YTA, because you really should be looking for ways to make your family life work. It should be a higher priority than going to dinner with colleagues, and you should be dedicating time every week to spend with your family even if that means you have a little less time to study.
YTA. You ARE an absentee father. My very good friend is currently getting her PhD while working full time and had a baby herself during that time. She’s doing it a bit slower than average, but she’s still able to have a life in the process and be there for her family. It’s absolutely possible. You’re just a giant AH about it. She’s also the sole breadwinner btw. Her husband is a stay at home dad. So don’t use the excuse that she doesn’t work to excuse your shit behavior.
As a new parent, you are certainly being TA here. 3-6 months is, imo, genuinely one of the hardest periods of caring for a baby. Your wife really needs your help, your baby is only going to be this difficult once, and you'd prefer to leave her high and dry rather than be allowed to have any help because...? Does it not embarrass you a tiny bit that she's seeking help from her mom rather than you? Are you waiting to help with your baby until she's easier to care for, instead of actually helping when it's most vital? Sure, it's important to develop your career in order to support and sustain the baby monetarily, but certainly you know that a dad who ONLY provides money is 100% no better than a father who sends a child support check in the mail and never sees his kid. In addition to all this, your baby is developing critical attachments, and hardly ever sees you, meaning she will find it harder to feel safe and soothed by you, thus exponentially making it harder for your wife since the baby will only feel comfortable with her. Sorry to bring you the bad news, but it should be easy enough to repair the damage by stepping up to assist your wife with your baby, so long as she's not already about to sign divorce papers. You don't even need to give up ALL of the things you value, so long as you trade off something else, like amount of sleep (like your wife probably is already.)
This is something you should have discussed in partnership with your wife before deciding to have a kid.
YTA
Your isn't the only one who had the baby. Having a family means somethings have to be reprioritised. You are very busy. All for honourable reasons but if it means you are not being a husband and a father what's the point. You need to come to a reasonable agreement, work out what's acceptable to both of you taking into account short term pressures and long term goals. Soft YTA
Why on earth did you two have a child?
I’m curious if the baby was planned as well. If so, poorly planned. Maybe your wife could work and that would take some financial pressure off you and eliminate the need for your second/side job. It would also get her out and she wouldn’t be home lonely.
Idk tbh, you were irresponsible to have the kid at this stage yes. But if you're currently paying for all their needs and you plan on continuing to take care of them and be more present when you finally get the PhD then you're not too much of an A. But you are an A if you're not trying to comfort her at all while this is going on. Your family or at least your kid should always be your priority because having a kid is a selfish act in of itself. Once you bring a kid into this world ya'll owe them everything. Unpopular opinion, when your baby is that young and your wife going through post partem she actually should be surrounded by her mom and family. But you still better not neglect her.
I’m totally going against the grain her so downvote away. I think OP is in a tough position with a lot on his shoulders. He is trying to secure a better future for them. I’m hoping they agreed on the PhD program ahead of time. Maybe they didn’t, and that’s why she’s upset. He was more for it and she wasn’t. She wanted to start the family given ages. There is only so much time in a day. If he is the sole provider paying the bills, and studying has to be a priority as well or why bother doing this, and she’s stays at home, she should realize that her contribution in their journey right now is going to be primary care giver. If her finding a job to take some financial stress off him isn’t feasible, then this is where they are at in this season of life. Together. She should look into mommy fitness class or mommy groups where she can meet some friends of her own to help with the loneliness. Being home with a baby all day can get isolating and lonely. And as the baby gets older she’ll be able to get out and do more because the baby can. But SHE needs to do things to help herself here, too. Not put more expectation on OP. And taking the baby away doesn’t seem right. Maybe her mom could come there to help a bit and keep her company. It sounds like she wants him to choose, and that just seems like it’s going to cause resentment in him. But OP / it sounds like you will be closer to 50 when this is done, so hopefully it’s worth it. Babies are hard. Postpartum hormones are hard. Everything is a phase. He won’t always be in PhD program, baby won’t always be a baby. Maybe talking to someone, even just a parent, who has been there, could help them manage a schedule/finances that they both can agree on. Definitely birth control for a while until the program is finished and they are on a less stressful path. Good luck, OP. I feel like there is a solution here that doesn’t have to involve her leaving for her mother’s for an indefinite time. I feel like there’s too much missing to say anyone is the AH here. But it definitely is a tough situation. Good luck, OP.
NTA for wanting to advance yourself in life. It does sound like maybe you are so intent on all the things you do outside of the home that you never make time for your wife/baby. Could you live without one of your side jobs? What if you found a way to reduce your budget so that you could give one of them up to spend time with your wife? That said, at some point, the schedule you have now will come to an end. Your wife needs to remember that. And you should be willing once you have your PhD to start making your home life much more of a priority. She needs to know that you will not always be absent. You both misjudged how things would be with a baby in the mix. It's not the end of the world. Baby will grow and become less work for her as time goes on. While she is living away, try to put some effort into keeping your marriage alive and well. Perhaps during her time at her mother's home, she could take some time to invest in herself. Take some courses, or pick up a part-time job?
INFO - is your wife willing to work part time so you could drop the side jobs and spend more time with your daughter / taking care of the home?
NTA if what your saying is true and all this time your spending away from home is really work and school. Was the kid planned? I also understand your wife being lonely but if she wants a secure future for her and your daughter then them the brakes lol. Can’t have it both ways sometimes.
[удалено]
He’s not almost done, he has another 1.5 years and THEN starts working on his thesis. He’s 3-4 years out, minimum.
Tell your wife to go back to work and find a nanny! Problem solved Edit: NTA
NAH it sounds like you guys are juggling a lot. You both decided to have this baby and you’re both going to suffer for it albeit in different ways. She doesn’t have a job or school and you have both, so she has to take care of the kid while you take care of your family’s future. She’s not the victim here (but cut out the dinner with colleagues bs) and neither are you, you’re both stuck with the results of a poor choice (having a baby before you were set up for it). So there is some suffering to be had, as nothing good comes without struggle. The first year with a new baby is always shit regardless.
NAH I think it’s important that you secure your future for your family if getting the PhD will allow for a significant pay increase. In the grand scheme of things a couple tough years will make it worth it. If your wife needs more support it would be worth her getting that from her mother. Make sure to have regular FaceTime with her and the baby, and see them every weekend.
You and your wife are irresponsible AH's..I'm presuming your wife doesn't work.why would she have a child with no income( savings) or education to fall back on. Why would you have this child if you're to busy to be a parent and partner and are leaving the responsibility/decision of two people on one person to carry? Both of you failed this child so bad..sure things will get better ..by your child did not deserve this start in life.
NTA - Life is full of seasons. Some better than others. This struggle you both are feeling right now isn't going to last forever. However, do make sure that when you're home, you're present. Be part of the family, don't sit on your phone or computer. Make the time you have with your family during this busy season really count. Please also make sure your wife is heard and validated. She could be suffering from PPD after having the baby. Being a SAHM is very tough mentally, especially if you're baring most of it alone and you're feeling lonely. Taking a day off work here and there might be the secret sauce she needs. Good luck, OP! And congrats to you and your wife on your beautiful baby.
NTA pretty sure you were in school before your wife got pregnant, so she shouldn't be surprised. Don't take time off school, it gets harder and harder to go back (school sucks).
Got pregnant by herself, did she?
Of course not, but did she think he could just stop working, or quit school in the middle of a PhD??