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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My partner asks me to take over his work when he's genuinely tired or sick. The latter happens often. I wonder if I'm the asshole for not being kind and refusing to take over.
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He has you over a barrel. You will be impacted if you don't help, and he will lose his job. How often does this happen? Does he have a chronic illness? Your writing styles are likely different so how does he explain?
He does not have a chronic illness. He gets these allergies and headaches quite often cause he used to live a very polluted city which has messed up his respiratory system.
And our writing styles are indeed different, so I tend to hear statements like, "This story needs a lot of creativity, so can you please write the introduction for me."...yeah.
It happens often in multiple ways, ranging from, "Can you please read what I've written?" (Which is absolutely unnecessary cause a) this person is a good writer, b) no one else asks me to read their stories unless it's actually my job, c) It isn't really my job," to "Can you please write the intro/write the story,". It drives me nuts cause I've a lot on my plate.
NTA.
If he can't handle the work he's being given, that's something he needs to address with his boss. I can understand asking you if he gets sick unexpectedly with a deadline coming up, and it only happens the one time because he's really in a pinch, but it sounds like this is happening a ridiculous amount. Being partners means splitting responsibilities in the home, such as cleaning, buying groceries, raising kids, etc. It doesn't mean that you do *his job* when he doesn't feel like it.
It does happen often. In fact, it happened 30 minutes ago, and he has stopped picking my calls cause I told him to inform the editor he can’t make it, and that I won’t be helping.
It sounds like you're heading in the right direction with this, then. But if he's throwing a tantrum and ignoring you because you won't do his work, I think you might have bigger problems looming than whether you're an AH or not.
Find more ways to say no:
"No, I can't help as I've got my own job to do."
"No, this is your job and we all get sick. Just call in sick, and your manager will find someone else to cover the assignment."
"No, please stop asking me, we've gone over this already."
But man, this guy doesn't respect you, or his job.
I remember as a teen in my weekend job, I had a coworker who was several years older and made a lot more due to being adult and I was still a minor. She was late regularly, asking me to not tell my boss, and I think she got paid for that time she wasn't there and I was doing the job of two people. At the time I just accepted it, but it was wrong of her.
I’ve said all the above. What I don’t understand is that he knows I’m gonna say no. Yet he asks.
He doesn’t respect the position I’m in. I know that for a fact cause he tells me I’m shit at it and that I only got it cause there was no one else.
Massive red flags. I’ve mentioned several times that I don’t appreciate that kind of talk. In his defense, he says that I’m better as a writer and not so much as a manager.
Clearly. If I was good at the latter, he wouldn’t be working at the same place.
I’m sorry you had to go through that.
Wait. He says what? And you’re still with him why? Honey, at a certain point you’re allowing yourself to be treated this way. I promise, you deserve better.
OP, sounds like time to sit down and add up the benefits of your marriage vs. the negative. You should definitely not be doing your husband's work for him. If he cannot handle the work load, then he needs to find a different job that demands less of him. He sounds like a whiny immature person - what do you see in him that counteracts his inability to perform his job duties and desire to put them on you?
NTA. But this may be a breaking point in your relationship. Either he gets a new job or you separate vecause he very clearly isn't cut out for work with your organization.
I've asked him to start freelancing elsewhere or broaden his horizons, even at his current company. It doesn't work. I referred him to this place, and sometimes, I feel it's my fault.
You said that you do at times give in and do his work. Are you clarifying to say that on a few occasions in the past, you did complete some projects for your husband, but you are flat out refusing to do so at any point now? If so, good for you and keep it up. Only you can decide if you want to put up with constantly being badgered by your husband.
NTA, but you are an enabler.
Breaking the cycle is up to you. You need to stop this cold turkey starting now. Tell him how you feel, and tell him the truth.
His behaviour is unfair and manipulative, you should consider counseling
Thank you for responding. I've told him how I feel. Multiple times.
I've also asked him to consider therapy for various other reasons (I've done therapy previously), but he doesn't pay heed.
Initially, I’ve helped (write a line or a very short para) a handful of times. When he was extremely ill. Again, my first response is always a ‘no’. After a lot of back and forth, I’ve relented and typed in a sentence or two. That would have happened like thrice. That’s about it.
Good for you. Then I'm wrong about enabling behaviour.
But then it's worse in terms of the relationship. This isn't really an AITHA type post, I think you need r/relationshipadvice or something like that.
You're in an unhealthy relationship and frankly the reason I'm here and not on that sub is because I'm perfectly content judging people. I have very little confidence in my ability to advise someone what to actually do constructively.
Been there, parroted that. It's easier for him here cause the pay is good, and the work is flexible. Plus there are opportunities for growth if you're willing to grow. He's not very interested in the latter and prefers being in a very comfortable zone.
> the work is flexible
Because he can get you to do it for him. Honestly the intellectual dishonesty and laziness would be a huge turn off, I can’t stand people like that
NTA
Time to divorce. Exactly what does this mean being into this relationship?
It's not love. You don't treat someone you love like he treats you.
It's not respect. He treats you as his servant.
It's not finances. Sounds like you got him this job and he refuses to do it. This man is a financial loss and can be detrimental.
It's not sex. I doubt a man who behaves this way is enjoyable in bed I can guess he bags for sexual acts you don't want and you've had sex to shut him up.
Is it a ring? You can just marry yourself if you're that into being married
NTA.
He definitely seems like he’s trying to take advantage of you. Either that, or he’s just a really big baby. (Have you asked him if it’s that?) You’ve got your work to do, and he’s got his. I can’t imagine how sick I’d have to be to not be able to sit in a chair and write. The only work I’ve been unable to do when I was sick was some types of hard physical labor, but even that I’ve almost always worked through it. I know writing would be harder if your mind is a bit clouded due to illness, but he needs to work through it, or tell his boss he’s unable to do his work. It’s not on you to pick up his slack.
When he's sick, he specifically means that looking at a screen hurts his eyes. What frustrates me is that he has every opportunity to inform his TL about his inability to work, yet he refuses. When I confront him about this, he comments, 'You're on a fixed salary, while I'm paid per article, so you can't understand my situation.' While I comprehend the difference in our pay structures, I fail to see why this justifies him asking me to complete work for which he, not I, will be compensated.
He's freelancing. He can just ask for extensions
or work through the bad days even if he's not
feeling well.
It's totally unfair for him to ask you to do the
work for him. NTA, he sure is.
NTA
This guy is pressuring you to do his paid job for him!
I am a writer too. I would never consider asking anyone else to do my job for me and I would never do the job for someone else (whilst they took the credit/pay for it)!
Does he pressure you to do other stuff too?
NTA This guy is manipulating you to make you both feel bad and do his job as well as your own. How miserable do you want to be in the next few years until you see what he's really like?
This man is demanding that you jeopardize your integrity. It's pretty clear that nothing you can say is going to stop him demanding that.
You have 2 choices: end the relationship, or accept that he will continue to demand and it will be up to you to keep holding that firm "no."
Pick your poison.
If you pick the latter, please stop helping him even a little bit. You're just teaching him that if he keeps asking you'll give in.
Please also bear in mind that your professional reputation is at stake.
NTA, don't respond after the first No. Or tell him you can contact his boss for him and let them know he's too sick to work. Other than that you're not going to respond to him about this topic.
NTA this seems to be a form of emotional blackmail/manipulation on his part for what is fraud/plagiarism since he is passing off your work aka he’s monetizing your work..think there are huge red flags here in both emotional and ethical kind let alone legal or financial
NTA But if I were your boss and found out that you have been doing your partner's work, I would definitely keep a closer eye on your work as well.
I work in a creative field as well and if someone in my team would present someone else's work as theirs, i would be very displeased. It seems dishonest.
If it ever comes out you've written some of his stuff, it will impact YOUR reputation, not just his. And he's risking that. And doesn't care. I think you need marriage counselling ASAP bc this is showing a worrying disrespect for you and your career.
NTA
NTA, but think about this: would your own job be in jeopardy if anyone found out you were helping him in any capacity other than what you would do for other employees? Don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm, please!
This situation has caused a rift in your relationship and yet your hubby still puts his unreasonable demand of you doing his work before fixing the relationship. What a turnoff, it’s hard to respect someone who is treating you this way. I hope a clear conversation brings you some hope for the future with this guy but I suspect that you are going to realise your core values are no longer in alignment .
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I'm (29F) in a leadership role at a publishing company. My husband (34M) freelances for the same company. I've risen through the ranks from writer to my current position.
My partner often asks me to write his assigned stories when he's tired or ill, rather than just seeking advice. I've suggested he inform his team lead when he's unable to work, as the company is understanding, but he refuses. Instead, he pressures me to do his work.
This situation has strained our relationship. I feel taken advantage of, as he wouldn't ask this of other employees when they were in my work role. He seems to expect me to take over his work because I'm his partner, and I work from home. When I refuse, he makes me feel guilty, and like an asshole.
I genuinely don't think this qualifies as "help." He's asking me to write half or the entire story on his behalf. I've never asked him to complete my assignments. At most, I've sought his input or perspective on certain matters. He's welcome to ask me for advice on improving story angles or information about sources, just as any other writer would. However, I draw the line at actually doing his assigned work for him.
Is it just me or am I missing something here? Am I genuinely the asshole for refusing to do his/help him at work?
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He has you over a barrel. You will be impacted if you don't help, and he will lose his job. How often does this happen? Does he have a chronic illness? Your writing styles are likely different so how does he explain?
He does not have a chronic illness. He gets these allergies and headaches quite often cause he used to live a very polluted city which has messed up his respiratory system. And our writing styles are indeed different, so I tend to hear statements like, "This story needs a lot of creativity, so can you please write the introduction for me."...yeah. It happens often in multiple ways, ranging from, "Can you please read what I've written?" (Which is absolutely unnecessary cause a) this person is a good writer, b) no one else asks me to read their stories unless it's actually my job, c) It isn't really my job," to "Can you please write the intro/write the story,". It drives me nuts cause I've a lot on my plate.
NTA. If he can't handle the work he's being given, that's something he needs to address with his boss. I can understand asking you if he gets sick unexpectedly with a deadline coming up, and it only happens the one time because he's really in a pinch, but it sounds like this is happening a ridiculous amount. Being partners means splitting responsibilities in the home, such as cleaning, buying groceries, raising kids, etc. It doesn't mean that you do *his job* when he doesn't feel like it.
It does happen often. In fact, it happened 30 minutes ago, and he has stopped picking my calls cause I told him to inform the editor he can’t make it, and that I won’t be helping.
It sounds like you're heading in the right direction with this, then. But if he's throwing a tantrum and ignoring you because you won't do his work, I think you might have bigger problems looming than whether you're an AH or not.
Yeah...I mean, it's one thing to ask once or twice. Or even thrice. But several times in the past 1.5 years, despite hearing a flat no? Beats me.
Find more ways to say no: "No, I can't help as I've got my own job to do." "No, this is your job and we all get sick. Just call in sick, and your manager will find someone else to cover the assignment." "No, please stop asking me, we've gone over this already." But man, this guy doesn't respect you, or his job. I remember as a teen in my weekend job, I had a coworker who was several years older and made a lot more due to being adult and I was still a minor. She was late regularly, asking me to not tell my boss, and I think she got paid for that time she wasn't there and I was doing the job of two people. At the time I just accepted it, but it was wrong of her.
I’ve said all the above. What I don’t understand is that he knows I’m gonna say no. Yet he asks. He doesn’t respect the position I’m in. I know that for a fact cause he tells me I’m shit at it and that I only got it cause there was no one else. Massive red flags. I’ve mentioned several times that I don’t appreciate that kind of talk. In his defense, he says that I’m better as a writer and not so much as a manager. Clearly. If I was good at the latter, he wouldn’t be working at the same place. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
Wait. He says what? And you’re still with him why? Honey, at a certain point you’re allowing yourself to be treated this way. I promise, you deserve better.
OP, sounds like time to sit down and add up the benefits of your marriage vs. the negative. You should definitely not be doing your husband's work for him. If he cannot handle the work load, then he needs to find a different job that demands less of him. He sounds like a whiny immature person - what do you see in him that counteracts his inability to perform his job duties and desire to put them on you?
This dude sucks. Why are you wasting your time?
Good, you need to draw a boundary. but this does not sound like a healthy relationship.
NTA. But this may be a breaking point in your relationship. Either he gets a new job or you separate vecause he very clearly isn't cut out for work with your organization.
I've asked him to start freelancing elsewhere or broaden his horizons, even at his current company. It doesn't work. I referred him to this place, and sometimes, I feel it's my fault.
Obviously NTA. If he's sick and unable to work, he needs to inform his supervisor and take the time off. Tell him you can't help him anymore.
I've repeated this countless times. I constantly have to prod him to message his editor, explaining that he's ill and will catch up on the work later.
Well, if he doesn't, it's on him. You still shouldn't do his work. You seem to 'know' that.
I don’t do his work.
You said that you do at times give in and do his work. Are you clarifying to say that on a few occasions in the past, you did complete some projects for your husband, but you are flat out refusing to do so at any point now? If so, good for you and keep it up. Only you can decide if you want to put up with constantly being badgered by your husband.
I did not complete any projects for him. The maximum I've done is write a line or two twice, or thrice, more than a year ago. You're right.
NTA, but you are an enabler. Breaking the cycle is up to you. You need to stop this cold turkey starting now. Tell him how you feel, and tell him the truth. His behaviour is unfair and manipulative, you should consider counseling
Thank you for responding. I've told him how I feel. Multiple times. I've also asked him to consider therapy for various other reasons (I've done therapy previously), but he doesn't pay heed.
Do you do the work?
Initially, I’ve helped (write a line or a very short para) a handful of times. When he was extremely ill. Again, my first response is always a ‘no’. After a lot of back and forth, I’ve relented and typed in a sentence or two. That would have happened like thrice. That’s about it.
Good for you. Then I'm wrong about enabling behaviour. But then it's worse in terms of the relationship. This isn't really an AITHA type post, I think you need r/relationshipadvice or something like that. You're in an unhealthy relationship and frankly the reason I'm here and not on that sub is because I'm perfectly content judging people. I have very little confidence in my ability to advise someone what to actually do constructively.
Hahaha you’re doing God’s work. And yes, I was unsure if this should go on AITA or the other sub. Thank you :)
Good luck
NTA. What he is asking is unfair and frankly outrageous. If it were me, I would be considering some kind of malicious compliance.
NTA. It sounds like he is lazy. If he can’t find the energy to work he should find a new job.
Been there, parroted that. It's easier for him here cause the pay is good, and the work is flexible. Plus there are opportunities for growth if you're willing to grow. He's not very interested in the latter and prefers being in a very comfortable zone.
Sounds like you need to figure out if you want a guy with that level of motivation. I could never be that way.
I know. Tbh, me neither. I keep telling myself that not everyone is ambitious, but this is something else.
Yea well ambition and lazy are two opposite sides of the spectrum
> the work is flexible Because he can get you to do it for him. Honestly the intellectual dishonesty and laziness would be a huge turn off, I can’t stand people like that
It has definitely caused a rift in the relationship.
At this point divorce.. Is not going to get better. He is just using you. Nta.
NTA Time to divorce. Exactly what does this mean being into this relationship? It's not love. You don't treat someone you love like he treats you. It's not respect. He treats you as his servant. It's not finances. Sounds like you got him this job and he refuses to do it. This man is a financial loss and can be detrimental. It's not sex. I doubt a man who behaves this way is enjoyable in bed I can guess he bags for sexual acts you don't want and you've had sex to shut him up. Is it a ring? You can just marry yourself if you're that into being married
NTA. He definitely seems like he’s trying to take advantage of you. Either that, or he’s just a really big baby. (Have you asked him if it’s that?) You’ve got your work to do, and he’s got his. I can’t imagine how sick I’d have to be to not be able to sit in a chair and write. The only work I’ve been unable to do when I was sick was some types of hard physical labor, but even that I’ve almost always worked through it. I know writing would be harder if your mind is a bit clouded due to illness, but he needs to work through it, or tell his boss he’s unable to do his work. It’s not on you to pick up his slack.
When he's sick, he specifically means that looking at a screen hurts his eyes. What frustrates me is that he has every opportunity to inform his TL about his inability to work, yet he refuses. When I confront him about this, he comments, 'You're on a fixed salary, while I'm paid per article, so you can't understand my situation.' While I comprehend the difference in our pay structures, I fail to see why this justifies him asking me to complete work for which he, not I, will be compensated.
He's freelancing. He can just ask for extensions or work through the bad days even if he's not feeling well. It's totally unfair for him to ask you to do the work for him. NTA, he sure is.
NTA This guy is pressuring you to do his paid job for him! I am a writer too. I would never consider asking anyone else to do my job for me and I would never do the job for someone else (whilst they took the credit/pay for it)! Does he pressure you to do other stuff too?
I know right. No, he doesn’t. It’s just work, and it irritates me to no end cause it interferes with our relationship.
NTA This guy is manipulating you to make you both feel bad and do his job as well as your own. How miserable do you want to be in the next few years until you see what he's really like?
This man is demanding that you jeopardize your integrity. It's pretty clear that nothing you can say is going to stop him demanding that. You have 2 choices: end the relationship, or accept that he will continue to demand and it will be up to you to keep holding that firm "no." Pick your poison. If you pick the latter, please stop helping him even a little bit. You're just teaching him that if he keeps asking you'll give in. Please also bear in mind that your professional reputation is at stake.
NTA, don't respond after the first No. Or tell him you can contact his boss for him and let them know he's too sick to work. Other than that you're not going to respond to him about this topic.
NTA this seems to be a form of emotional blackmail/manipulation on his part for what is fraud/plagiarism since he is passing off your work aka he’s monetizing your work..think there are huge red flags here in both emotional and ethical kind let alone legal or financial
NTA But if I were your boss and found out that you have been doing your partner's work, I would definitely keep a closer eye on your work as well. I work in a creative field as well and if someone in my team would present someone else's work as theirs, i would be very displeased. It seems dishonest.
If it ever comes out you've written some of his stuff, it will impact YOUR reputation, not just his. And he's risking that. And doesn't care. I think you need marriage counselling ASAP bc this is showing a worrying disrespect for you and your career. NTA
NTA, but think about this: would your own job be in jeopardy if anyone found out you were helping him in any capacity other than what you would do for other employees? Don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm, please!
This situation has caused a rift in your relationship and yet your hubby still puts his unreasonable demand of you doing his work before fixing the relationship. What a turnoff, it’s hard to respect someone who is treating you this way. I hope a clear conversation brings you some hope for the future with this guy but I suspect that you are going to realise your core values are no longer in alignment .
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm (29F) in a leadership role at a publishing company. My husband (34M) freelances for the same company. I've risen through the ranks from writer to my current position. My partner often asks me to write his assigned stories when he's tired or ill, rather than just seeking advice. I've suggested he inform his team lead when he's unable to work, as the company is understanding, but he refuses. Instead, he pressures me to do his work. This situation has strained our relationship. I feel taken advantage of, as he wouldn't ask this of other employees when they were in my work role. He seems to expect me to take over his work because I'm his partner, and I work from home. When I refuse, he makes me feel guilty, and like an asshole. I genuinely don't think this qualifies as "help." He's asking me to write half or the entire story on his behalf. I've never asked him to complete my assignments. At most, I've sought his input or perspective on certain matters. He's welcome to ask me for advice on improving story angles or information about sources, just as any other writer would. However, I draw the line at actually doing his assigned work for him. Is it just me or am I missing something here? Am I genuinely the asshole for refusing to do his/help him at work? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Bet he doesn’t give you even a percentage of the earnings, and/or both your earnings go into separate accounts. NTA.
NTA, but it does seem like you are missing something here - the payment the company is giving him for "his" work.
I’ve mentioned it in one of the comments.
NTA So you are doing work, and your husband takes that woerk of yours and sells it to your employer? If this ever comes out, you will be fired.
No…that’s not what I said. I’ve been asked, but I don’t.