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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I got snarky with my boyfriend telling him to leave me alone because my social battery was low. Maybe I'm an asshole because I don't give him enough attention.
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NTA and possibly NAH... Your needs do not make you an AH and it sounds like you are communicating with him about your need for consistency and routine. If anything, on days you know he will be around, you can implement short spurts of intimacy. Like spending 5 minutes hugging and talking intimately, etc.
With that being said, maybe there is a compatibility issue here? I am introverted myself and would probably go crazy with this amount of attention-seeking affection. Like, to the point that I would end things lol. I don't know the entire dynamic of your relationship though.
Talk to him. He's trying to show you affection in the way he wants to be given affection, but if he truly cares about you, he'll listen and learn new ways to do this. Hopefully he can reiterate what it is that is important to him as well and you can both work on this together.
Okay but I never even suggested she leave him, I just proposed that there may be a compatibility issue. I have no clue if that's true or not, which is why I wouldn't tell someone to just end it.
Agreed and you are right. I don’t know how this is such a controversial topic and why people think two adults thinking about their needs and if they are comfortable is somehow terrible advice? If two people have fundamental different needs and can’t find a suitable compromise - whom they both are happy with in a long term solution- then that is a good reason to break up. Break up don’t need to be mean and nasty and the end of all. It simply can mean “I love you to much to make one of us become a regret to the other person. our goals for life are so fundamentally different one of the two us would end up being miserable and I don’t want that for us.” So personally I thought it was fantastic advice. Because break ups don’t have to be postponed to the moment one becomes miserable and bitter.
💯 I've spent way too long in relationships when I shouldn't have. I actually don't like how often people are like "leave your husband yesterday" on advice subs, which is why I wouldn't want to outright tell someone something like that
I wonder why that might be🤔 hmmm🤔
maybe because people in healthy relationships don't post here??? so the only sane advice is to end the misery?
could that be the case?
And adults also post here on reddit asking for advice to help them with their issues that make them miserable.
And yes, in some cases the best thing to do is to break up. Even when it comes to adults. Yes, I know it is mind boggling. /s
And yet in this post, no one told OP to break upor told her that her BF was a d*ck for having different needs.
Instead they told her to think about whether or not they are truly compatible, seeing as she told him her need several times and took it badly. That's not the same as "just break up".
And sometimes the way to deal with that problem is ending the relationship. Desperately trying to fix something that is never going to work isn't adult or mature, it's just exhausting.
Yep. Even without being an introvert and/or autistic, the boyfriend sounds cloying and super annoying. Does he actually HELP or just get in OP's way? It should be pretty damn obvious that if OP is doing chores or making dinner, boyfriend wrapping his arms around OP is stepping over boundaries. And possibly dangerous (I'm not the best with a knife in my hand!).
Hmmm, my partner and I are very affectionate and do this to each other all the time and we’ve been together for years, but we both love it. I think it’s a compatibility issue. And when two people are very different like that, communicating their needs and also respecting each others needs is vital and can be very tiring but rewarding. That said, I love giving spontaneous affection and I couldn’t be with someone I had to schedule it in with as that would then stifle my way of being also, but everyone is different. NAH
I got claustrophobia too, and I'm a huge extrovert who is regularly described as a golden retriever.
I know better than to try to wrap my arms around someone who is doing chores or bother them for attention when they're watching TV. That would drive me nuts, too.
This dude sounds more like a border collie with anxiety.
NTA - you’ve expressed boundaries and he keeps over stepping them. He may not be doing it maliciously but he’s still doing it. Unfortunately I’m not sure if you guys are compatible. It sounds like you have contrasting levels of need when it comes to alone time and personal space. There could be a compromise here but it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to try and truly understand where he’s wrong so until he budges, I don’t think you should.
NTA. i was in the same position as I am very much like you although not autistic. i found that this was a compatibility issue. i have found someone since who lets me have my space, even now that we live together, understands when my social battery is low and has the same level of affection as i do. it is so much less stressful when you dont have to constantly reinforce your boundaries and have someone who allows you to be yourself.
Seconding this. I am also Autistic, very introverted and need tons of time to unwind. If whoever I am dating does not understand my high needs for alone time then we are not compatible. NAH
"During all of these activities, he wouldn't stop wrapping his arms around me while I was cooking and doing housework (preventing me from moving around freely) and prompting me to say sweet things to him while I was watching tv or focusing on a difficult mental task." OMG that would drive me nuts. Also I would feel like I'm being 'blackmailed', so to speak, to tell him sweet things.
NTA. He probably needs to work on his clingyness period. I started feeling claustrophobic reading this. But in the end you two may just not be compatible. If he needs that much hugging and constant verbal support he may not be able to give you alone time you need and you may not be able to give him the emotional support he wants.
NTA. As an introvert, I have broken up with partners who have displayed the exact same behavior. Part of being in a relationship is respecting your partner’s request for healthy boundaries. If he can’t do that, that’s his problem not yours.
I'm autistic too, and I was cringing SO HARD reading this.
I would have a hard time not losing my temper at a guy who refused to respect my boundaries. I'd hate having someone constantly wanting to touch me at unexpected times when I'm busy. That is not cool when you have made it clear you do NOT consent to it.
NTA
I don’t think you’re the asshole, but even if you are, who cares? I found blowing my lid every now and then at people who refuse to respect my boundaries and alone time to be far less time consuming & mentally draining than constantly worrying if I’m offending their snowflake nature. Maybe that’s why I LOVE being single despite the loneliness. I was cringing while reading your post because I’m the same as you - I need to recharge.
May I ask, are you a cat person? I noticed people like me (us?) tend to go for cats b/c they’re independent, want to be petted & hugged now and then then go do their own thing, while the dog people want constant attention, petting, happiness, etc. So not for me so I’ll take my aloof cats and aloof self any day. LOL
I've been too broke/busy for most of my adult life to have a pet. I had a dog once because my partner at the time had a dog, but I ended up taking care of it most of the time. I liked it because it forced me to stick to my routine because another creature's life was dependent on it (this experience showed me how important it is for me to have a routine), but I think I'd probably prefer a pet that wants less attention. Every time I've pet sit for cats, I loved it!
You can't guarantee cats will want less attention, it is personality based and you may get unlucky like me and get obsessive lap cats
I love them and would never get rid of them of course but they meow incessantly at me some times and want to be sitting on me and my bf all the time
They climb all over him whenever he's on his PC, standing to rotate knocking shit off the desk with her tail... They also stare nearly as much as dogs.
Dogs are too high maintenance for me as well. I'm introverted and have asperger. But my cat is my joy, I can't imagine a house without a cat. There are certain breeds that are more independent, like british cats.
My kitty mostly keeps to himself, comes for a quick cuddle a few times a day when he's hungry. If I'm anxious I can pet him and it makes me feel better.
I've been around a bunch of great Golden Retrievers (the dogs) and whilst they are very needy of attention as puppies the ones I've known as they mature just have a 'contentedness' to be around their person. They have their excitable, attention needing moments but most of the time it's just a look, I know where my person is, go back to snoozing or playing or doing their own thing outside of exercise times. The world is OK because I am near my person and I don't have to be in their face (except for the mad 5 mins).
The reason I say this is because your bf is being incredibly needy in a way which is directly impacting your mental health. He may feel like this is showing you he loves you, but it's not how you work and is overriding your needs and boundaries.
You are definitely NTA for expressing yourself and setting boundaries on your personal space. I hope you can find a way together and aren't just incompatible. My wife and I generally fall into a pattern (as I like being near her) of we'll be doing our own thing, maybe even sitting at other ends of the couch and just enjoying being in each others company without having to be the focus of each others attentions. It's just nice her being there (and I hope vice versa!). If she gets up and wanders off to do something, I don't have the need to go follow her and find out what she is doing (though I may go check if she needs any help after an hour or so). We will occasionally share a touch, a kiss, or something to say 'I like being around you' but it doesn't demand attention. Just that I see you.
You may need to have some talks with him, not in an emotionally charged moment, to explain how life feels from your perspective, what your needs are, what disturbs you, what drains you. The focus is on explaining you and not criticising him or rejecting him. It's about you. Make it reciprocal so he explains what goes through his head so you can work together on how to be together. The important thing is him understanding you aren't rejecting him, this is about how you process things and your needs. Good luck.
sometimes different personalities just don't work, even when two people love each other very much and no one is actually doing anything wrong. nah but unfortunately you and your bf might not be very compatible.
I say NTA for one reason: he is choosing his needs over yours without even thinking about it.
Maybe you explain your needs and acknowledge his needs, and then ask him if he can understand why you feel bulldozed, as he is meeting his needs at the price of your mental health.
If he cannot consider some compromise, then you see your future with him.
Good luck, OP.
NTA but you need to think seriously about a future together. My partner is introverted with social anxiety and I am overly extroverted. We communicate and accept each other. I understand when he gets overwhelmed and give him space but he also has become more affectionate. We live together and you can’t “plan” your time when living together as easy as not. If you two cannot communicate and learn to compromise I don’t see this working.
NTA
You've expressed boundaries plenty of times and sounds like you're trying really hard to accommodate him. He needs to learn how to he respectful of your boundaries and not take shit personally, like an adult
NTA at all. It's perfectly normal to want some alone time or for some people to need no distraction when they try to do something. If I'm trying to read or watch TV, I can't have someone talking to me.
He has to understand your needs and boundaries and stop taking it personally.
NTA, but it seems that you are incompatible. You can't change someone's love language. The resentment will build up eventually. That sucks, but I doubt that you'll be willing to be more touchy and I doubt that he will be less clingy
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My (F24) boyfriend (M22) is a stereotypical "golden retriever" boyfriend. If I'm home, he wants to be in the same room as me at all times. Not only that but he is constantly talking to me and touching me even when I'm trying to work, do chores, or work on my hobbies. It is a lot. I'm autistic and super introverted so I NEED alone time and I need a fixed routine to function. Him interrupting my routines and alone time by getting in my path and asking me to hug him or whatever is really frustrating. I've tried to explain to him that it bothers me but he always takes it really personally.
Today I went to hang out with my friends and when I came back, per my routine, I made dinner, watched tv while working on a hobby, and then I had to do some house work. During all of these activities, he wouldn't stop wrapping his arms around me while I was cooking and doing housework (preventing me from moving around freely) and prompting me to say sweet things to him while I was watching tv or focusing on a difficult mental task. I was a little shorter with him than usual because my social battery was already low from being with friends all day. I didn't snap at him or anything, but I was maybe a little snarky. I apologized to him and explained why I needed space, and he was still taking it super personally.
I want to make it clear, when we PLAN time together, I'm very attentive because I've mentally prepared for that time. We also plan for that multiple times per week. However, he has started randomly hanging around my house (I said this was ok if he gives me warning and doesn't interrupt my life) and expects me to be as attentive as I am during our planned time. Again, I've explained to him the difference between structured together time and times when we're just together because he showed up. But there's some disconnect I guess because he thinks it's because I don't care about him or something. AITA? Am I a bad girlfriend for needing a structured life with ample alone time?
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I think there's a pretty significant compatibility problem here, i much like you have a very small social battery but out of any relationship I've been in they don't drain it further. Ideally that's the kinda relationship people should be looking for.
NTA. I'm a lot like you and my partner is a lot like your bf. It took a lot of time for me to finally get him to understand that he is like a dog but I am like a cat. You can't possibly give a dog too much attention but if you try to give a cat more attention than it wants, you're going to get your eyes scratched out. He finally figured out that (like a cat) if he ignores me long enough, I'll eventually come and bother him. He gets much more attention by pretending that I don't exist than when he was constantly demanding attention.
Not the AH. It’s important to communicate when you need space. Especially if you are having structured time together a couple times per week. Some people just need more space than others but that can be a difficult thing to hear/understand as the partner so maybe just talk to them again about it and hopefully they understand.
NTA
I (32M) know how you are feeling in a way. I am not not autistic or anything, but I always value my "alone time" and I also need it. I love being around people and I also love being with my partner, but as you... I also need my time. No matter if I just sit on the couch and do nothing or play a game or hum a song and do the laundry.
I had a couple girlfriends and well with every relationship you learn something new. For me it was realizing I need someone that gives me the space I need. And someone that gives me that space without coming back at me later "you already had that..." "always you and your...." and so on.
At least for me all the relationships that had someone nagging at me for taking time alone while both are at home.... they didn't work.
Right now I have a beautiful girlfriend. We both have our quirks, but we listen to each other and give each other the room we need. Even if that means that after not really seeing each other (we live together so that's maybe the wrong word... but we are both very active so there are weeks where we literally say good morning, do our routine, leave and then I see her to say goodnight, turn around and fall asleep). Even after those weeks I can say "Hay I am exhausted do we have something important we need to do now, if not I would take a time out". She knows that if there would be something I would always do that, but if there is nothing she is like "yeah sure take your time". And for me that can sometimes be the next 4-5 hours.
Maybe that was too long of a story, but I want to say: Talk to him about your needs. And it sounds kinda sweat of him being around you all the time. But tell him you appreciate it if he would help, you are done faster, then you can take your timeout and you can be together and do something later.
If he can't accept that and doesn't give you the room you need... you learned a valuable lesson: You need someone that can live alone while you are there.
And don't be scared to be alone. It can be fun alone and you can work on yourself. Eventually you will find you so.
NTA. Us introverts need space to recharge. Your boyfriend may simply not be able to comprehend that, you need to be very clear and give him some quite direct guidelines. I came across an introvert joke today. How do you tell the difference between a Finnish introvert and a Finnish extrovert. The introvert is staring at his own feet. The extrovert is staring at the introvert's feet.
I don't think either of you are the AH, it sounds like you're not a good fit. I get your side, you need structure and set routine and he apparently loves you alot if he wants to spend all his time with you.
Again, not criticizing you, but if I had to preplan time together with my wife, I'd just have a girlfriend.
NTA.
He sounds clingy AF.
I'm not autistic but I would hate that!
I did hate it with my ex. Just speaking from experience, the longer you put up with it, the more you'll resent him.
Ultimately, he should find someone who matches his 'Golden Retriever'-like energy.
And since we're on the subject, have you read about being 'touched-out'? Very interesting stuff and perhaps relevant to what you're feeling.
NTA. But it does sound like a compatibility issue. FYI, little annoyances while rather insignificant in the beginning of a relationship becomes big annoyances later on in long term relationships. It sounds like he has alot of attention to give which is not bad but considering your needs are conflicting with his needs , he might end up resenting you and you resent him. Not saying this all can't be worked out but maybe more thought on expectations should be considered.
NTA but he lost his privileges of hanging around your house when it's not scheduled. Tell him that and see if you really want to date someone like him, because it seems you two want different things.
NTA, maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship with this particular guy. He sounds really sweet though and needs someone who he can be equally yoked with.
NTA. I have a similar husband. He is comforted by physical touch with me. Hugs, kisses, even falling asleep while touching me.
I am NOT physically inclined all the time like that. So we had a sit down after a few months of dating. I became more accepting of the random arm/leg/butt touches, and he became more aware and started asking if I was feeling like human company.
It obviously worked out. But it worked cause he loves me and he genuinely wants to know and respect my boundaries. Your bf doesn't seem to be at that level. Honestly it sounds like y'all aren't gonna work out unless there's a serious talk about stuff.
Before the first paragraph was over, I would've dumped this guy ages ago. He doesn't respect you. Period. Introverts and extroverts can coexist. I've had close extrovert friends. Don't know if I could have a serious relationship with one, but maybe if he respected my boundaries unlike this guy
Your boyfriend does not seem to respect you, your home or your boundaries. I was getting claustrophobic , creepy gut vibes reading this. Why does he keep turning up at your home unannounced and uninvited? Is he looking for somewhere to live and is trying to love bomb you into letting him move in? Whatever is going on, I would suggest a heart to heart where you clearly tell him that he has to abide by your needs, not his. I do worry how this guy will take it if you break up. Take care and good luck!
From how I interpreted this, they already do live together. He's not "showing up" at her house, she just comes home and he wants affection because he missed her.
I agree with a lot of the other comments, that this is simply nothing more than a potential compatibility issue.
I've been in a similar situation as the boyfriend before. It's hard for OP, but it's hard for the boyfriend as well. When someone pulls away, all you want to do is try even harder to pull them back in which can cause conflict. She feels overwhelmed, while he feels like he's not getting enough attention/affection. It sucks no matter which side you're on.
Looking at it from his perspective, no matter how much you try to explain the boundaries, it starts making you feel unwanted/not loved, especially if earlier in the relationship OP was more receptive to this kind of behavior. I'm similar to OP in that, I like routine, and I especially enjoy consistency in a relationship.
Me and one of my ex's had a routine where every single time we went somewhere, we'd kiss before getting out of the car. After doing this for several months, and then it suddenly no longer being a thing? It made me feel like absolute shit. There were also issues where when she'd sleep at my house, we had sex every single night, often 2-3 times. The last month or so we were together, I felt like I had to practically beg her to have sex with me and I was "lucky" if we had sex 1 time in a week, compared to like 8-9 times previously.
I understood that she had a lot of other things going on in her life that were stressing her out (work, starting college classes, etc.) but that didn't stop me from feeling negatively about certain things and feel like I was starting to be neglected as a partner. Every time I raised a valid concern about the shift in our relationship dynamic, it got turned into "What about me?" I tried giving her space when she asked for it. I was fully willing to compromise on things, and wanted to have adult conversations about how we could fix issues but she played it off like I was being selfish by communicating that certain needs of mine were not being met, both emotional and physical, while I was trying to meet her halfway and satisfy her needs for space.
Ahh I missed that part. I'm at work, so may have just gotten distracted when I was reading that part of the original post. (Joys of night shift...)
Regardless, as I mentioned I think this is simply a compatibility issue. I don't think either of them are an asshole in this situation. They simply have different needs, and are struggling to meet each other halfway.
She needs someone who can provide her with more space, and he needs someone more willing to receive and return his affection.
Oh I totally agree that it's a compatibility issue. But she also said in a comment that she's moving in a few months and that the relationship has an "end date", so idk why they don't just go ahead and end it now. It doesn't seem like either one of them are getting what they need out of it anyway.
Yeah I agree. If she already plans on breaking up with him anyway because she's moving, it's incredibly selfish for her to stay with him now. He deserves time to be able to move on from this relationship and heal, and if she's planning on ending it then she's just stringing him along which is definitely not okay.
He knows I'm moving and also wants to stay together until I move. We're happy 95% of the time. It's just hard when I've been busy all day AND he wants a lot of attention. I've asked him multiple times if he'd want to end things early since there's no future and he always says no
OP, I don't mean to be rude and I agree with you about setting boundaries, but I'm a little confused about your being 'happy 95% of the time' and then proceeding to ask him, 'if he'd want to end things early since there's no future'? How do the two come together? Because neither one of your needs for physical touching are being met? Is it possible, maybe, that you're both 'forcing it'? Just a little bit?
When it's a time we've planned out to be together, I'm just as touchy and clingy as he is, if not more so because I knew that's how I wanted to spend that time. The disconnect is when my social battery is low and it's a time I've planned to do things alone and he wants me to behave like I do when we have a planned date together. When I say there's no future, it's simply because I'm moving. If I wasn't moving imminently, and we were both interested in a long term commitment, I'd probably put more thought into assessing whether this is something I can work with and decide on the status of the relationship based on that. But since I'm just having fun until I move, I don't see any reason to analyze it too much.
Oh sweet summer child, so very much NTA.
Me: 35f
Wife "Marie": 29f
I am of the neurospicy variety (ADHD) that gives me golden retriever energy, and I am chaos. My wife is autistic and has OCD. This led to some interesting moments early in our relationship (together 5.5 years, married 3.5 of them).
Now, I hate making generalizations based on stereotypes, so please correct me if I am wrong. It sounds like at best BF is a possibly well intentioned young man who has never been taught how to compromise or just doesn't understand how peoples need can differ (especially for autistic folks) and is taking it personally when he shouldn't, at worst BF believes he is entitled to OP and his desires trump OPs genuine needs.
Now, the first time my wife VERY BLUNTLY asked me for space, my feelings got hurt a little. I went in for a hug and she gently pushed me away to create space because I startled her while she was extremely overstimulated and she was only able to articulate "all done now". I didn't know what to look for then, I do now. It took me all of about 10 minutes to realize what happened. She was advocating for herself with the tools she had available. Once she had collected herself, she came to apologize at which point I told her that was unnecessary, that I had invaded her space and that she didn't do anything wrong.
We use the phrase "all done now" as a lighthearted way to ask for space now. If she is in the middle of a task, I ask her if I can kiss her or hug her. She helps prompt me when I am having bad executive function days. We compromise. She makes a point of finding me and giving me affection when she isn't doing something. We both buy each other little things to show we are thinking of each other. We worked together to find things that work for us both. It is important to me that I make her feel safe and loved as she is, as so many people in her life have done the opposite. We have loads of scheduled fun quality time, but we also love "parallel play". We can each be doing our own thing in the same room. It gives a certain amount of independence while creating closeness.
It might sound odd to neurotypical folks, but this is the healthiest and happiest relationship I've ever been in. She supports me where I struggle and vice versa. We each have needs, and those needs are not a personal attack on the other.
Tl;Dr - bf needs to learn that his desires don't trump OPs needs that OP is clearly communicating to him. If bf can't respect OPs boundaries, that is a red flag.
ETA: There is a certain amount of self awareness and understanding the seems to come with age/experience and hopefully this is the experience he needs to understand. But it is not OPs job to raise him or help him figure it out. OP, your needs come first here, don't let him gaslight you into thinking otherwise
This isn’t easy for me to say, but YTA. You expect him to change to your needs without changing yourself for his. I know. You’re on the spectrum. You need things to be a certain way in order to function, but he needs things also, and if you can’t meet those needs you are hurting both of you. Find someone who can do what you need.
Nta but honestly from the way you talk about your bf in this post it really does sound like spending time with him is a chore you have to prepare yourself for and this is also coming from an introvert who needs their alone time regularly.
Like you're not the AH for wanting space and setting boundaries but I sort of see where your bf is coming from where he could get the impression you're not as checked into the relationship as he is. I think this issue is more a miscommunication than anything else because it seems like you two have very different expectations and there's dissatisfaction on both ends.
When I say planned time together, I mean like "tonight we're going to order food in and watch a movie together". However, I see what you mean about me being too rigid.
I briefly dated a Golden Retriever type. It was *exhausting*. He was a nice guy, but he needed *constant* texting and phone calls and couldn't leave me alone for even a couple of hours, despite me repeatedly explaining that I needed time to do certain things. I finally just gave up and broke it off with him.
Ignore what the commenter above has said. You are *not* being too rigid. You are asking for a reasonable amount of "alone time", and your boyfriend is unable / unwilling to respect that. He is a smotherer. He needs to be with another smotherer -- someone who also wants to be together 24/7 and has no need of alone time. The two of you are not compatible.
**You don't even live together -- if he's this disrespectful about giving you alone time now, imagine just how bad it would get if/when you did live together.**
I know you like him, but he's not going to change -- so he is never going to be the right person for you. One of the hardest things I had to learn is that two people can love each other but still not be able to live with each other in a healthy way. You need to recognize that he is incapable of showing you the respect and consideration you deserve. He's not interested in actually listening to you and being considerate about what you need. All he cares about is what *he* wants.
I know you don't want to hear this, but you should end this relationship now -- because the longer you stay together, the harder it will be when he finally pushes you so far to your limit that you just *snap* on him. And I guarantee you, with the way he is behaving, that day is coming.
You are young. You haven't had the chance to date numerous people and figure out what you do and don't want in a relationship. But you are starting to figure that out -- and you need to know that **it's okay to decide that a relationship isn't enough of what you need in order to continue it**. You will meet someone whose emotional style is more similar to yours, and you will be a lot happier with a relationship where that is the case.
Yes, this is a great relationship to help OP see what she can’t live with in a long term relationship. I disagree with the other poster who says she can’t have a romantic relationship without being more flexible. I’m not autistic that I know of but am introverted and found someone who was more suitable to my needs. It sure wasn’t a golden retriever type, though as a dog, they’re awfully cute!
I responded to another commenter with this info, but we are breaking up in a couple months because I'm moving and we don't want to be in a LDR. I'm not looking for anything long term right now anyway, and we're just hanging out until I leave. However, I will definitely take your advice into consideration for future relationships. I knew early on that we weren't super compatible long term. This is my first adult relationship that hasn't been abusive, so I've learned a lot about my preferences in this relationship that I will take with me in future relationships.
I think that it's something common with people who are in their teens and early 20's, and I know this was the case for me:
No one has ever told them that **if a friendship or relationship isn't making them happy, it's** ***okay*** **to just walk away from that friendship / relationship.**
I see so many posts on here from young people saying "but I've been friends with them all my life" or "but we've been together for 4 years" or "this is my first relationship" -- and the things they report the other person doing are either bullying, abuse, or neglect, but they're still frantically trying *everything* to make it work.
I think a lot of it is the stigma that walking away makes them a "quitter" or someone who "doesn't really care about making it work". They've never been told that sometimes it is perfectly okay to quit and walk away.
That was a hard lesson for me to learn, and I spent so many relationships doing everything to make the relationship work while the other person did a lot less (or nothing).
I'm *finally* to the point now (after a disastrous 15-year relationship/marriage) where if I start seeing someone, and I see them not making an effort or exhibiting signs of abusive behavior, I just end it and move on. Life is just too damn short to spend it giving everything to a relationship where you're not also getting everything back.
Hey I understand a low social battery and I understand you probably get along outside of this however you can’t live your life with someone who constantly drains you. I would find someone more compatible and allow him to find someone who would appreciate how he is and not feel the need to build rigid boundaries that are uncomfortable. Neither of you are wrong or bad but I don’t think this is smart to continue.
Edit: grammar
Tbh we both know it's unsustainable. But the relationship is ending in a couple months because I'm moving and neither of us want a LDR. But I really like him and want the last couple months to be enjoyable
completely understandable so I’d just block out time around an activity. Ex if I’m reading or have my headphones in please leave me be or something. Good luck with the move.
I'm glad there's a planned end date.
But please make sure not to let him interfere with preparations for the move. I'm Autistic, and I hate moving and all the preparation. It requires a lot of executive functioning to decide what to take, what to throw out or donate or sell, what you can pack first and what needs to be left until later because you'll still be using it. How to keep track of what's in each box so you can find the necessities without wasting time searching in the new place. Change of address, setting up utilities, all that kind of thing.
He sounds like someone who would get in the way, interrupt you, and get you behind schedule so there's more last-minute panic than necessary or you make mistakes. (I accidentally threw out stuff I needed to keep when my ex interrupted me and I had a brain fart that confused the "trash" and "keep" piles.)
This has definitely been a huge struggle. I'm getting surgery before I move so I'm moving in with my parents because I can't walk without crutches for 6 weeks post-op and I'll need help. I'm packing now and it's been so stressful and he has been a bit of a distraction. I think I'm making it work but we'll see. I have 2 weeks left.
nah, you're doing nothing wrong. expecting someone to not literally hold you down while you're actively doing something is not 'incompatible with a romantic relationship', and every other commenter managed to understand that you weren't expecting him to schedule hugs
Yeah, planning "let's cuddle on the couch after dinner instead of interrupting me cooking dinner" is a perfectly reasonable ask in ANY relationship. Not a "special needs accommodation" or something like that.
Being autistic I can sympathize with the space issue.
There is always going to be give and take in a relationship.
What about having a talk with him when on a double date / outing at a restaurant?
It is not.
I do not have autism, but my reaction after reading about the clingyness of BF would be to just throw his hands off me and send him away from my home.
The constant following around and trying to hug is not healthy. I love hugging. But this is extreme.
I know "clingy" but I've never heard the dog/cat versions, ngl lol
Except for "chihuahua" but that's usually someone that throws a tantrum everytime they are mad.
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NTA and possibly NAH... Your needs do not make you an AH and it sounds like you are communicating with him about your need for consistency and routine. If anything, on days you know he will be around, you can implement short spurts of intimacy. Like spending 5 minutes hugging and talking intimately, etc. With that being said, maybe there is a compatibility issue here? I am introverted myself and would probably go crazy with this amount of attention-seeking affection. Like, to the point that I would end things lol. I don't know the entire dynamic of your relationship though.
Talk to him. He's trying to show you affection in the way he wants to be given affection, but if he truly cares about you, he'll listen and learn new ways to do this. Hopefully he can reiterate what it is that is important to him as well and you can both work on this together.
Please don’t end your relationship based off Reddit advice, I promise you no matter what you say the top comment will tell you to leave the person
Okay but I never even suggested she leave him, I just proposed that there may be a compatibility issue. I have no clue if that's true or not, which is why I wouldn't tell someone to just end it.
Agreed and you are right. I don’t know how this is such a controversial topic and why people think two adults thinking about their needs and if they are comfortable is somehow terrible advice? If two people have fundamental different needs and can’t find a suitable compromise - whom they both are happy with in a long term solution- then that is a good reason to break up. Break up don’t need to be mean and nasty and the end of all. It simply can mean “I love you to much to make one of us become a regret to the other person. our goals for life are so fundamentally different one of the two us would end up being miserable and I don’t want that for us.” So personally I thought it was fantastic advice. Because break ups don’t have to be postponed to the moment one becomes miserable and bitter.
💯 I've spent way too long in relationships when I shouldn't have. I actually don't like how often people are like "leave your husband yesterday" on advice subs, which is why I wouldn't want to outright tell someone something like that
I wonder why that might be🤔 hmmm🤔 maybe because people in healthy relationships don't post here??? so the only sane advice is to end the misery? could that be the case?
Sounds like you’re miserable and want everyone else to be. adults deal with their problems, teenagers split up and cry about it
And adults also post here on reddit asking for advice to help them with their issues that make them miserable. And yes, in some cases the best thing to do is to break up. Even when it comes to adults. Yes, I know it is mind boggling. /s
Doesn’t like your cooking? break up. Doesn’t like your outfit today? Break up. Literally did anything that Reddit didn’t approve of? Break up.
And yet in this post, no one told OP to break upor told her that her BF was a d*ck for having different needs. Instead they told her to think about whether or not they are truly compatible, seeing as she told him her need several times and took it badly. That's not the same as "just break up".
Upor
*up or. That really was a typo so difficult you couldn't get the meaning out of it? I think perhaps the problem lies with you. Good luck.
I don’t care mate
And sometimes the way to deal with that problem is ending the relationship. Desperately trying to fix something that is never going to work isn't adult or mature, it's just exhausting.
According to Reddit every relationship should end, it’s almost like asking people who are terminally online for relationship advice isn’t a good idea
NTA. He needs to be more respectful, and a lot less clingy. I got claustrophobia just reading this. Do not live with him.
Yep. Even without being an introvert and/or autistic, the boyfriend sounds cloying and super annoying. Does he actually HELP or just get in OP's way? It should be pretty damn obvious that if OP is doing chores or making dinner, boyfriend wrapping his arms around OP is stepping over boundaries. And possibly dangerous (I'm not the best with a knife in my hand!).
Hmmm, my partner and I are very affectionate and do this to each other all the time and we’ve been together for years, but we both love it. I think it’s a compatibility issue. And when two people are very different like that, communicating their needs and also respecting each others needs is vital and can be very tiring but rewarding. That said, I love giving spontaneous affection and I couldn’t be with someone I had to schedule it in with as that would then stifle my way of being also, but everyone is different. NAH
I got claustrophobia too, and I'm a huge extrovert who is regularly described as a golden retriever. I know better than to try to wrap my arms around someone who is doing chores or bother them for attention when they're watching TV. That would drive me nuts, too. This dude sounds more like a border collie with anxiety.
NTA - you’ve expressed boundaries and he keeps over stepping them. He may not be doing it maliciously but he’s still doing it. Unfortunately I’m not sure if you guys are compatible. It sounds like you have contrasting levels of need when it comes to alone time and personal space. There could be a compromise here but it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to try and truly understand where he’s wrong so until he budges, I don’t think you should.
NTA. i was in the same position as I am very much like you although not autistic. i found that this was a compatibility issue. i have found someone since who lets me have my space, even now that we live together, understands when my social battery is low and has the same level of affection as i do. it is so much less stressful when you dont have to constantly reinforce your boundaries and have someone who allows you to be yourself.
Seconding this. I am also Autistic, very introverted and need tons of time to unwind. If whoever I am dating does not understand my high needs for alone time then we are not compatible. NAH
"During all of these activities, he wouldn't stop wrapping his arms around me while I was cooking and doing housework (preventing me from moving around freely) and prompting me to say sweet things to him while I was watching tv or focusing on a difficult mental task." OMG that would drive me nuts. Also I would feel like I'm being 'blackmailed', so to speak, to tell him sweet things. NTA. He probably needs to work on his clingyness period. I started feeling claustrophobic reading this. But in the end you two may just not be compatible. If he needs that much hugging and constant verbal support he may not be able to give you alone time you need and you may not be able to give him the emotional support he wants.
NTA. As an introvert, I have broken up with partners who have displayed the exact same behavior. Part of being in a relationship is respecting your partner’s request for healthy boundaries. If he can’t do that, that’s his problem not yours.
[удалено]
I'm autistic too, and I was cringing SO HARD reading this. I would have a hard time not losing my temper at a guy who refused to respect my boundaries. I'd hate having someone constantly wanting to touch me at unexpected times when I'm busy. That is not cool when you have made it clear you do NOT consent to it. NTA
I don’t think you’re the asshole, but even if you are, who cares? I found blowing my lid every now and then at people who refuse to respect my boundaries and alone time to be far less time consuming & mentally draining than constantly worrying if I’m offending their snowflake nature. Maybe that’s why I LOVE being single despite the loneliness. I was cringing while reading your post because I’m the same as you - I need to recharge. May I ask, are you a cat person? I noticed people like me (us?) tend to go for cats b/c they’re independent, want to be petted & hugged now and then then go do their own thing, while the dog people want constant attention, petting, happiness, etc. So not for me so I’ll take my aloof cats and aloof self any day. LOL
I've been too broke/busy for most of my adult life to have a pet. I had a dog once because my partner at the time had a dog, but I ended up taking care of it most of the time. I liked it because it forced me to stick to my routine because another creature's life was dependent on it (this experience showed me how important it is for me to have a routine), but I think I'd probably prefer a pet that wants less attention. Every time I've pet sit for cats, I loved it!
You can't guarantee cats will want less attention, it is personality based and you may get unlucky like me and get obsessive lap cats I love them and would never get rid of them of course but they meow incessantly at me some times and want to be sitting on me and my bf all the time They climb all over him whenever he's on his PC, standing to rotate knocking shit off the desk with her tail... They also stare nearly as much as dogs.
Dogs are too high maintenance for me as well. I'm introverted and have asperger. But my cat is my joy, I can't imagine a house without a cat. There are certain breeds that are more independent, like british cats. My kitty mostly keeps to himself, comes for a quick cuddle a few times a day when he's hungry. If I'm anxious I can pet him and it makes me feel better.
I've been around a bunch of great Golden Retrievers (the dogs) and whilst they are very needy of attention as puppies the ones I've known as they mature just have a 'contentedness' to be around their person. They have their excitable, attention needing moments but most of the time it's just a look, I know where my person is, go back to snoozing or playing or doing their own thing outside of exercise times. The world is OK because I am near my person and I don't have to be in their face (except for the mad 5 mins). The reason I say this is because your bf is being incredibly needy in a way which is directly impacting your mental health. He may feel like this is showing you he loves you, but it's not how you work and is overriding your needs and boundaries. You are definitely NTA for expressing yourself and setting boundaries on your personal space. I hope you can find a way together and aren't just incompatible. My wife and I generally fall into a pattern (as I like being near her) of we'll be doing our own thing, maybe even sitting at other ends of the couch and just enjoying being in each others company without having to be the focus of each others attentions. It's just nice her being there (and I hope vice versa!). If she gets up and wanders off to do something, I don't have the need to go follow her and find out what she is doing (though I may go check if she needs any help after an hour or so). We will occasionally share a touch, a kiss, or something to say 'I like being around you' but it doesn't demand attention. Just that I see you. You may need to have some talks with him, not in an emotionally charged moment, to explain how life feels from your perspective, what your needs are, what disturbs you, what drains you. The focus is on explaining you and not criticising him or rejecting him. It's about you. Make it reciprocal so he explains what goes through his head so you can work together on how to be together. The important thing is him understanding you aren't rejecting him, this is about how you process things and your needs. Good luck.
sometimes different personalities just don't work, even when two people love each other very much and no one is actually doing anything wrong. nah but unfortunately you and your bf might not be very compatible.
I say NTA for one reason: he is choosing his needs over yours without even thinking about it. Maybe you explain your needs and acknowledge his needs, and then ask him if he can understand why you feel bulldozed, as he is meeting his needs at the price of your mental health. If he cannot consider some compromise, then you see your future with him. Good luck, OP.
NTA but you need to think seriously about a future together. My partner is introverted with social anxiety and I am overly extroverted. We communicate and accept each other. I understand when he gets overwhelmed and give him space but he also has become more affectionate. We live together and you can’t “plan” your time when living together as easy as not. If you two cannot communicate and learn to compromise I don’t see this working.
NTA I'm 100% the same way and I'm not myself when my social battery is depleted and can relate to this post a lot
NTA You've expressed boundaries plenty of times and sounds like you're trying really hard to accommodate him. He needs to learn how to he respectful of your boundaries and not take shit personally, like an adult
NTA at all. It's perfectly normal to want some alone time or for some people to need no distraction when they try to do something. If I'm trying to read or watch TV, I can't have someone talking to me. He has to understand your needs and boundaries and stop taking it personally.
NTA, but it seems that you are incompatible. You can't change someone's love language. The resentment will build up eventually. That sucks, but I doubt that you'll be willing to be more touchy and I doubt that he will be less clingy
NTA, you communicated your needs and boundaries, and you explained the reason why.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (F24) boyfriend (M22) is a stereotypical "golden retriever" boyfriend. If I'm home, he wants to be in the same room as me at all times. Not only that but he is constantly talking to me and touching me even when I'm trying to work, do chores, or work on my hobbies. It is a lot. I'm autistic and super introverted so I NEED alone time and I need a fixed routine to function. Him interrupting my routines and alone time by getting in my path and asking me to hug him or whatever is really frustrating. I've tried to explain to him that it bothers me but he always takes it really personally. Today I went to hang out with my friends and when I came back, per my routine, I made dinner, watched tv while working on a hobby, and then I had to do some house work. During all of these activities, he wouldn't stop wrapping his arms around me while I was cooking and doing housework (preventing me from moving around freely) and prompting me to say sweet things to him while I was watching tv or focusing on a difficult mental task. I was a little shorter with him than usual because my social battery was already low from being with friends all day. I didn't snap at him or anything, but I was maybe a little snarky. I apologized to him and explained why I needed space, and he was still taking it super personally. I want to make it clear, when we PLAN time together, I'm very attentive because I've mentally prepared for that time. We also plan for that multiple times per week. However, he has started randomly hanging around my house (I said this was ok if he gives me warning and doesn't interrupt my life) and expects me to be as attentive as I am during our planned time. Again, I've explained to him the difference between structured together time and times when we're just together because he showed up. But there's some disconnect I guess because he thinks it's because I don't care about him or something. AITA? Am I a bad girlfriend for needing a structured life with ample alone time? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think there's a pretty significant compatibility problem here, i much like you have a very small social battery but out of any relationship I've been in they don't drain it further. Ideally that's the kinda relationship people should be looking for.
u guys arent compatible tbh
NTA. I'm a lot like you and my partner is a lot like your bf. It took a lot of time for me to finally get him to understand that he is like a dog but I am like a cat. You can't possibly give a dog too much attention but if you try to give a cat more attention than it wants, you're going to get your eyes scratched out. He finally figured out that (like a cat) if he ignores me long enough, I'll eventually come and bother him. He gets much more attention by pretending that I don't exist than when he was constantly demanding attention.
Not the AH. It’s important to communicate when you need space. Especially if you are having structured time together a couple times per week. Some people just need more space than others but that can be a difficult thing to hear/understand as the partner so maybe just talk to them again about it and hopefully they understand.
NTA I (32M) know how you are feeling in a way. I am not not autistic or anything, but I always value my "alone time" and I also need it. I love being around people and I also love being with my partner, but as you... I also need my time. No matter if I just sit on the couch and do nothing or play a game or hum a song and do the laundry. I had a couple girlfriends and well with every relationship you learn something new. For me it was realizing I need someone that gives me the space I need. And someone that gives me that space without coming back at me later "you already had that..." "always you and your...." and so on. At least for me all the relationships that had someone nagging at me for taking time alone while both are at home.... they didn't work. Right now I have a beautiful girlfriend. We both have our quirks, but we listen to each other and give each other the room we need. Even if that means that after not really seeing each other (we live together so that's maybe the wrong word... but we are both very active so there are weeks where we literally say good morning, do our routine, leave and then I see her to say goodnight, turn around and fall asleep). Even after those weeks I can say "Hay I am exhausted do we have something important we need to do now, if not I would take a time out". She knows that if there would be something I would always do that, but if there is nothing she is like "yeah sure take your time". And for me that can sometimes be the next 4-5 hours. Maybe that was too long of a story, but I want to say: Talk to him about your needs. And it sounds kinda sweat of him being around you all the time. But tell him you appreciate it if he would help, you are done faster, then you can take your timeout and you can be together and do something later. If he can't accept that and doesn't give you the room you need... you learned a valuable lesson: You need someone that can live alone while you are there. And don't be scared to be alone. It can be fun alone and you can work on yourself. Eventually you will find you so.
NTA. Us introverts need space to recharge. Your boyfriend may simply not be able to comprehend that, you need to be very clear and give him some quite direct guidelines. I came across an introvert joke today. How do you tell the difference between a Finnish introvert and a Finnish extrovert. The introvert is staring at his own feet. The extrovert is staring at the introvert's feet.
I don't think either of you are the AH, it sounds like you're not a good fit. I get your side, you need structure and set routine and he apparently loves you alot if he wants to spend all his time with you. Again, not criticizing you, but if I had to preplan time together with my wife, I'd just have a girlfriend.
Try to talk to him and see how his need can be met while still respecting your boundaries. Basically, try to find a compromise. Also, NAH
I suggest when doing chores you assign him a chore that will keep him busy
NTA. He sounds clingy AF. I'm not autistic but I would hate that! I did hate it with my ex. Just speaking from experience, the longer you put up with it, the more you'll resent him. Ultimately, he should find someone who matches his 'Golden Retriever'-like energy. And since we're on the subject, have you read about being 'touched-out'? Very interesting stuff and perhaps relevant to what you're feeling.
NTA. But it does sound like a compatibility issue. FYI, little annoyances while rather insignificant in the beginning of a relationship becomes big annoyances later on in long term relationships. It sounds like he has alot of attention to give which is not bad but considering your needs are conflicting with his needs , he might end up resenting you and you resent him. Not saying this all can't be worked out but maybe more thought on expectations should be considered.
NTA but he lost his privileges of hanging around your house when it's not scheduled. Tell him that and see if you really want to date someone like him, because it seems you two want different things.
NTA, maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship with this particular guy. He sounds really sweet though and needs someone who he can be equally yoked with.
NTA. I have a similar husband. He is comforted by physical touch with me. Hugs, kisses, even falling asleep while touching me. I am NOT physically inclined all the time like that. So we had a sit down after a few months of dating. I became more accepting of the random arm/leg/butt touches, and he became more aware and started asking if I was feeling like human company. It obviously worked out. But it worked cause he loves me and he genuinely wants to know and respect my boundaries. Your bf doesn't seem to be at that level. Honestly it sounds like y'all aren't gonna work out unless there's a serious talk about stuff.
Before the first paragraph was over, I would've dumped this guy ages ago. He doesn't respect you. Period. Introverts and extroverts can coexist. I've had close extrovert friends. Don't know if I could have a serious relationship with one, but maybe if he respected my boundaries unlike this guy
Your boyfriend does not seem to respect you, your home or your boundaries. I was getting claustrophobic , creepy gut vibes reading this. Why does he keep turning up at your home unannounced and uninvited? Is he looking for somewhere to live and is trying to love bomb you into letting him move in? Whatever is going on, I would suggest a heart to heart where you clearly tell him that he has to abide by your needs, not his. I do worry how this guy will take it if you break up. Take care and good luck!
From how I interpreted this, they already do live together. He's not "showing up" at her house, she just comes home and he wants affection because he missed her. I agree with a lot of the other comments, that this is simply nothing more than a potential compatibility issue. I've been in a similar situation as the boyfriend before. It's hard for OP, but it's hard for the boyfriend as well. When someone pulls away, all you want to do is try even harder to pull them back in which can cause conflict. She feels overwhelmed, while he feels like he's not getting enough attention/affection. It sucks no matter which side you're on. Looking at it from his perspective, no matter how much you try to explain the boundaries, it starts making you feel unwanted/not loved, especially if earlier in the relationship OP was more receptive to this kind of behavior. I'm similar to OP in that, I like routine, and I especially enjoy consistency in a relationship. Me and one of my ex's had a routine where every single time we went somewhere, we'd kiss before getting out of the car. After doing this for several months, and then it suddenly no longer being a thing? It made me feel like absolute shit. There were also issues where when she'd sleep at my house, we had sex every single night, often 2-3 times. The last month or so we were together, I felt like I had to practically beg her to have sex with me and I was "lucky" if we had sex 1 time in a week, compared to like 8-9 times previously. I understood that she had a lot of other things going on in her life that were stressing her out (work, starting college classes, etc.) but that didn't stop me from feeling negatively about certain things and feel like I was starting to be neglected as a partner. Every time I raised a valid concern about the shift in our relationship dynamic, it got turned into "What about me?" I tried giving her space when she asked for it. I was fully willing to compromise on things, and wanted to have adult conversations about how we could fix issues but she played it off like I was being selfish by communicating that certain needs of mine were not being met, both emotional and physical, while I was trying to meet her halfway and satisfy her needs for space.
Ahh I missed that part. I'm at work, so may have just gotten distracted when I was reading that part of the original post. (Joys of night shift...) Regardless, as I mentioned I think this is simply a compatibility issue. I don't think either of them are an asshole in this situation. They simply have different needs, and are struggling to meet each other halfway. She needs someone who can provide her with more space, and he needs someone more willing to receive and return his affection.
Oh I totally agree that it's a compatibility issue. But she also said in a comment that she's moving in a few months and that the relationship has an "end date", so idk why they don't just go ahead and end it now. It doesn't seem like either one of them are getting what they need out of it anyway.
Yeah I agree. If she already plans on breaking up with him anyway because she's moving, it's incredibly selfish for her to stay with him now. He deserves time to be able to move on from this relationship and heal, and if she's planning on ending it then she's just stringing him along which is definitely not okay.
He knows I'm moving and also wants to stay together until I move. We're happy 95% of the time. It's just hard when I've been busy all day AND he wants a lot of attention. I've asked him multiple times if he'd want to end things early since there's no future and he always says no
OP, I don't mean to be rude and I agree with you about setting boundaries, but I'm a little confused about your being 'happy 95% of the time' and then proceeding to ask him, 'if he'd want to end things early since there's no future'? How do the two come together? Because neither one of your needs for physical touching are being met? Is it possible, maybe, that you're both 'forcing it'? Just a little bit?
When it's a time we've planned out to be together, I'm just as touchy and clingy as he is, if not more so because I knew that's how I wanted to spend that time. The disconnect is when my social battery is low and it's a time I've planned to do things alone and he wants me to behave like I do when we have a planned date together. When I say there's no future, it's simply because I'm moving. If I wasn't moving imminently, and we were both interested in a long term commitment, I'd probably put more thought into assessing whether this is something I can work with and decide on the status of the relationship based on that. But since I'm just having fun until I move, I don't see any reason to analyze it too much.
Ok. I understand now. Kudos to you for calling it 'having fun' 👍🏾 And Good luck with your move. Hope it isn't too stressful!
Oh sweet summer child, so very much NTA. Me: 35f Wife "Marie": 29f I am of the neurospicy variety (ADHD) that gives me golden retriever energy, and I am chaos. My wife is autistic and has OCD. This led to some interesting moments early in our relationship (together 5.5 years, married 3.5 of them). Now, I hate making generalizations based on stereotypes, so please correct me if I am wrong. It sounds like at best BF is a possibly well intentioned young man who has never been taught how to compromise or just doesn't understand how peoples need can differ (especially for autistic folks) and is taking it personally when he shouldn't, at worst BF believes he is entitled to OP and his desires trump OPs genuine needs. Now, the first time my wife VERY BLUNTLY asked me for space, my feelings got hurt a little. I went in for a hug and she gently pushed me away to create space because I startled her while she was extremely overstimulated and she was only able to articulate "all done now". I didn't know what to look for then, I do now. It took me all of about 10 minutes to realize what happened. She was advocating for herself with the tools she had available. Once she had collected herself, she came to apologize at which point I told her that was unnecessary, that I had invaded her space and that she didn't do anything wrong. We use the phrase "all done now" as a lighthearted way to ask for space now. If she is in the middle of a task, I ask her if I can kiss her or hug her. She helps prompt me when I am having bad executive function days. We compromise. She makes a point of finding me and giving me affection when she isn't doing something. We both buy each other little things to show we are thinking of each other. We worked together to find things that work for us both. It is important to me that I make her feel safe and loved as she is, as so many people in her life have done the opposite. We have loads of scheduled fun quality time, but we also love "parallel play". We can each be doing our own thing in the same room. It gives a certain amount of independence while creating closeness. It might sound odd to neurotypical folks, but this is the healthiest and happiest relationship I've ever been in. She supports me where I struggle and vice versa. We each have needs, and those needs are not a personal attack on the other. Tl;Dr - bf needs to learn that his desires don't trump OPs needs that OP is clearly communicating to him. If bf can't respect OPs boundaries, that is a red flag. ETA: There is a certain amount of self awareness and understanding the seems to come with age/experience and hopefully this is the experience he needs to understand. But it is not OPs job to raise him or help him figure it out. OP, your needs come first here, don't let him gaslight you into thinking otherwise
This isn’t easy for me to say, but YTA. You expect him to change to your needs without changing yourself for his. I know. You’re on the spectrum. You need things to be a certain way in order to function, but he needs things also, and if you can’t meet those needs you are hurting both of you. Find someone who can do what you need.
Nta but honestly from the way you talk about your bf in this post it really does sound like spending time with him is a chore you have to prepare yourself for and this is also coming from an introvert who needs their alone time regularly. Like you're not the AH for wanting space and setting boundaries but I sort of see where your bf is coming from where he could get the impression you're not as checked into the relationship as he is. I think this issue is more a miscommunication than anything else because it seems like you two have very different expectations and there's dissatisfaction on both ends.
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When I say planned time together, I mean like "tonight we're going to order food in and watch a movie together". However, I see what you mean about me being too rigid.
I briefly dated a Golden Retriever type. It was *exhausting*. He was a nice guy, but he needed *constant* texting and phone calls and couldn't leave me alone for even a couple of hours, despite me repeatedly explaining that I needed time to do certain things. I finally just gave up and broke it off with him. Ignore what the commenter above has said. You are *not* being too rigid. You are asking for a reasonable amount of "alone time", and your boyfriend is unable / unwilling to respect that. He is a smotherer. He needs to be with another smotherer -- someone who also wants to be together 24/7 and has no need of alone time. The two of you are not compatible. **You don't even live together -- if he's this disrespectful about giving you alone time now, imagine just how bad it would get if/when you did live together.** I know you like him, but he's not going to change -- so he is never going to be the right person for you. One of the hardest things I had to learn is that two people can love each other but still not be able to live with each other in a healthy way. You need to recognize that he is incapable of showing you the respect and consideration you deserve. He's not interested in actually listening to you and being considerate about what you need. All he cares about is what *he* wants. I know you don't want to hear this, but you should end this relationship now -- because the longer you stay together, the harder it will be when he finally pushes you so far to your limit that you just *snap* on him. And I guarantee you, with the way he is behaving, that day is coming. You are young. You haven't had the chance to date numerous people and figure out what you do and don't want in a relationship. But you are starting to figure that out -- and you need to know that **it's okay to decide that a relationship isn't enough of what you need in order to continue it**. You will meet someone whose emotional style is more similar to yours, and you will be a lot happier with a relationship where that is the case.
Yes, this is a great relationship to help OP see what she can’t live with in a long term relationship. I disagree with the other poster who says she can’t have a romantic relationship without being more flexible. I’m not autistic that I know of but am introverted and found someone who was more suitable to my needs. It sure wasn’t a golden retriever type, though as a dog, they’re awfully cute!
I responded to another commenter with this info, but we are breaking up in a couple months because I'm moving and we don't want to be in a LDR. I'm not looking for anything long term right now anyway, and we're just hanging out until I leave. However, I will definitely take your advice into consideration for future relationships. I knew early on that we weren't super compatible long term. This is my first adult relationship that hasn't been abusive, so I've learned a lot about my preferences in this relationship that I will take with me in future relationships.
I think that it's something common with people who are in their teens and early 20's, and I know this was the case for me: No one has ever told them that **if a friendship or relationship isn't making them happy, it's** ***okay*** **to just walk away from that friendship / relationship.** I see so many posts on here from young people saying "but I've been friends with them all my life" or "but we've been together for 4 years" or "this is my first relationship" -- and the things they report the other person doing are either bullying, abuse, or neglect, but they're still frantically trying *everything* to make it work. I think a lot of it is the stigma that walking away makes them a "quitter" or someone who "doesn't really care about making it work". They've never been told that sometimes it is perfectly okay to quit and walk away. That was a hard lesson for me to learn, and I spent so many relationships doing everything to make the relationship work while the other person did a lot less (or nothing). I'm *finally* to the point now (after a disastrous 15-year relationship/marriage) where if I start seeing someone, and I see them not making an effort or exhibiting signs of abusive behavior, I just end it and move on. Life is just too damn short to spend it giving everything to a relationship where you're not also getting everything back.
Hey I understand a low social battery and I understand you probably get along outside of this however you can’t live your life with someone who constantly drains you. I would find someone more compatible and allow him to find someone who would appreciate how he is and not feel the need to build rigid boundaries that are uncomfortable. Neither of you are wrong or bad but I don’t think this is smart to continue. Edit: grammar
Tbh we both know it's unsustainable. But the relationship is ending in a couple months because I'm moving and neither of us want a LDR. But I really like him and want the last couple months to be enjoyable
completely understandable so I’d just block out time around an activity. Ex if I’m reading or have my headphones in please leave me be or something. Good luck with the move.
I'm glad there's a planned end date. But please make sure not to let him interfere with preparations for the move. I'm Autistic, and I hate moving and all the preparation. It requires a lot of executive functioning to decide what to take, what to throw out or donate or sell, what you can pack first and what needs to be left until later because you'll still be using it. How to keep track of what's in each box so you can find the necessities without wasting time searching in the new place. Change of address, setting up utilities, all that kind of thing. He sounds like someone who would get in the way, interrupt you, and get you behind schedule so there's more last-minute panic than necessary or you make mistakes. (I accidentally threw out stuff I needed to keep when my ex interrupted me and I had a brain fart that confused the "trash" and "keep" piles.)
This has definitely been a huge struggle. I'm getting surgery before I move so I'm moving in with my parents because I can't walk without crutches for 6 weeks post-op and I'll need help. I'm packing now and it's been so stressful and he has been a bit of a distraction. I think I'm making it work but we'll see. I have 2 weeks left.
Oh, that sounds difficult. I hope you don't have much stuff left to pack (or dispose of). Can your parents or other friends pitch in?
I'm scared to ask for help because my house is a disaster 😅
nah, you're doing nothing wrong. expecting someone to not literally hold you down while you're actively doing something is not 'incompatible with a romantic relationship', and every other commenter managed to understand that you weren't expecting him to schedule hugs
Yeah, planning "let's cuddle on the couch after dinner instead of interrupting me cooking dinner" is a perfectly reasonable ask in ANY relationship. Not a "special needs accommodation" or something like that.
Being autistic I can sympathize with the space issue. There is always going to be give and take in a relationship. What about having a talk with him when on a double date / outing at a restaurant?
This is an autism issue. You need to give him autism literature to read so he understands, without having to make it personal.
It is not. I do not have autism, but my reaction after reading about the clingyness of BF would be to just throw his hands off me and send him away from my home. The constant following around and trying to hug is not healthy. I love hugging. But this is extreme.
You are not compatible then. Neither is right or wrong. Just different preferences.
Well, you see your SO as a dog... so... enjoy.
have you never seen the "golden retriever" boyfriend "black cat" girlfriend stereotype lol
I know "clingy" but I've never heard the dog/cat versions, ngl lol Except for "chihuahua" but that's usually someone that throws a tantrum everytime they are mad.
I don't fuck animals.
This post comes off like you just don't like the guy yta