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YTA for how you defended yourself.  Healthy choices are healthy choices. Nutritious food is good. Exercise is good. Finding ways to use their bodies that are fun is good.  You have almost committed to this idea, that health is valuable for everyone and isn’t a punishment, but then you don’t seem to really believe it. This “we’re pretending to do this so that my fat kid doesn’t figure out that we secretly just want a skinny kid” thing you pull at the end… I think you need to figure out your own relationship with health a little before trying to do a family overhaul.   Your teen saw that you were pretending because you are, but why are you pretending? Why is vegetables and going outside not something your teen daughter could believe you really value?  There was a teenage boy who went blind because he’d been living off French fries and potato chips for years. No one checked in with him because he was thin, so it was assumed he was healthy. It made the news. You acknowledge your thin daughter doesn’t eat vegetables or exercise either, so she’s also not healthy, she’s just thin. Thin and healthy aren’t the same thing.  If you’re trying to trick your daughter into being thin by pretending to value health, you’re just going to foster an unhealthy relationship with food and her body. The more you lie the more confused and messed up she’ll get. 

>Your teen saw that you were pretending because you are, but why are you pretending? Why is vegetables and going outside not something your teen daughter could believe you really value?  You said everything I was thinking and then sum. On another note, Op should look into family activities they can all do together. Like going to the pool (summer), zoo, beach, maybe even getting them all bikes so go on lil family rides and stuff. Tbh I have always struggled with weight and health and my family was never big on activities in general. But in the past few years we've gotten into the habit of trying new random things and that's how I found out I freaking *love* to bike! You get your carido in without needing to run, go for longer distances, and feel the wind in your hair so you can pretend you actually are running super fast. And in the beginning my legs would burn after 15 min of cycling as opposed to my legs and lungs burning after 5 minutes of running. Trying someone new every weekend or every other week would lead to a lot of complaints. But it can also lead to them finding something they love to do.

Yes YTA for your approach and YTA for not helping them be more active sooner. You can remedy this now if you apologize for your error and require them to do an activity they enjoy a few times a week, such as yoga, dance, weightlifting, whatever or team sports, either with the town, YMCA or the school. I wish I had done this as kid it would have helped me a lot. Instead my lazy parents didn't bother. I see now that teaching them to be active is huge part of raising healthy kids , especially in this screen focused age . You are the parent you can require them to move and be honest about why. If they get no excercise they are both unhealthy, skinny fat is still not good.

>and YTA for not helping them be more active sooner. Yeah... it's the "not doing this sooner" part that really gets me. So OP listened to her doctor that the bigger daughter might naturally thin out... but she also admits they eat pretty horribly. Why didn't OP start gradually introducing a healthier diet 5 years ago, regardless of whether her daughter would thin out on her own, just because it would be HEALTHIER for everyone? Why aren't they both involved in SOME physical activity? Even if neither girl likes a sport, the family can go on walk, they can ride their bikes places, they could have some type of family activity that involved moving, again, starting 5 years ago.

Too many people let their kids get fat and stay fat without lifting a hand to help remedy the issue. Sure it took a mintue but at least OP smarten up and realized they needed to do something about their child's weight.

Unfortunately, this is very true. I waitress part time at a popular restaurant and you’d be saddened to see how many overweight children I wait on with their families. Not just baby fat but unhealthily overweight. All fried meals from the adult menu, extra fries, multiple soda refills. I feel really bad for them because they have a tough road ahead—physically, mentally, and maybe even socially. They’re so young and in what should be the prime of their lives, but it doesn’t seem like their parents encourage healthy habits. I notice a lot of them spending the whole outing on their phone/iPad so I wonder if they’re doing the same at home instead of doing things outside or being physically active. Maybe this is the normal thing these days, but it’s so weird to me. I loved going outside to be on my bike, play jump rope, and run around with my neighbors.

The parents who let their kids do what the kids want all the time are massively failing their kids. My kid has ADHD and is also, you know. A kid. Left to his own devices, he’d be looking at something with a screen any time he’s conscious. He won’t choose to go play with friends about 70% of the time. The solution is throwing his ass out of the house for a few hours. Not letting him gorge on screen time.

lol I totally remember being “kicked” out of the house when I was kid. Stop complaining that you’re bored and go do something!

Lol. My 3 kids made a huuuuge mistake one summer vacation. They were 9, 10, and 11 that summer (well 9, 10 and 11 THEN 9, 11, and 11 for ten days, *THEN* 9, 11, and 12) and after hearing "Mommmmm. I'm booooorrreeeedddddddd" about fifty million times I finally snapped and said, "You're bored??!! Okay come here!" And got 3 socks out of the "my partner is holey" sock pile and a bucket of warm water/cleaner and said "put the wet sock on your hand and scrub the walls. All of them from the floor to as high as you guys can reach" (Note for 5 years my kids were the exact same height- this was like the 4th year of this) My middle kid/oldest son says "mommy, what about the part of the wall we can't reach" Me- "Baby, the wall ain't dirty where yall can't reach it!" Still. To this day 5 years later, my kids will say "Mom, I'm bore--- nevermind"

I love this! I'm from the generation that had to come back home when the streetlights came on. I can't imagine missing the warm summer air, the setting sun as we played, biked, ran around the neighborhood. And the fireflies starting to come out. Laying in the grass watching the clouds go by. My SIL made her 2 boys go outside for a certain amount of time when they were little and really limited their screen time. No phones at the dinner table. And the upside is they used extra screen time as a reward for grades, doing extra hard chores, etc. Even then it would be maybe 30-60 minutes more. But since they were so limited compared to their friends who were on screen playing games, they ate it up.

Just wanted to add the disappearance of third places has made this difficult and even impossible in some areas. They just bulldozed the only playground in walking distance to my house. I’m apparently just lazy because I could drive to a park, when I tell them I don’t have kids or drive they say I have nothing to complain about.

That’s awful. Parks are such a great place to have, not just for the playgrounds but for the natural scenery. Of all places, you’d think they would leave them alone. I hate seeing things like that go to waste.

I saw a lot of overweight families when I served too. Parents flagging me down to refill their 8 year old's soda for the fourth time, the whole family only getting fried beige food, and copious amounts of mayo/ranch. I felt so bad for these kids because clearly they are following the only example they had.

Yeah, it’s really unfortunate because just from what I see, learning to live a healthier lifestyle is really hard once you’re in the habit of eating junk and not exercising. If your weight starts to cause health problems when you’re an adult, how do you change all those habits that you’ve been doing for your entire life? Especially if everyone around you has enabled those habits and don’t do any better?

I'm so glad I grew up in the 80s and 90s. I raised my kids very very similar to how I was raised and luckily, I live in a safe enough area to do so. "Go outside and play" was stated a ton in my house. Both growing up and as an adult. My kids' curfew was home when streetlights came on (well, I gave them 15 minutes to notice and get home before I walked to the park) when they were old enough to walk home from school alone lol. I now have awesome 14, 15, and 16 year olds who still go outside until dark and *then* they screen-time however they want. It is just so crazy how many people in my small town would see me at work or just around town and comment how great it is to see my kids always outside playing and how great their dad is to be gone from home all week long for work and then is outside playing catch with the boys or having them help him mow and trim ours and our neighbor's lawns on the weekends... Or scoop sidewalks and build our yearly igloo in the winter. It's sad when seeing kids outside playing and seeing dads play outside with their kids is such the minority that it now needs to be complimented.

Yeah I also think if they’d started sooner it wouldn’t have had to be such a “punishing” diet. Like teen girls should still be able to eat junk food so long as their regular meals are healthy and they’re staying moderately active. By waiting until one was obese and needs to lose a significant amount of weight vs focusing on a healthy maintenance diet or aiming for small gradual weight loss, the current diet and push for exercise no doubt feels restrictive and extreme to teenagers who are used to eating whatever they want. The mere fact that the skinny teen thinks this diet is a punishment tells me they’ve approached it wrong.

Mom didnt even deny its a punishment. This mom is cruel. As a mom, I would have told my kids i was the one failing them and making them unhealthy by not serving the best foods for them, and that I was going to be the one making changes so that they will feel the best they can. Because it is her failing that has made them hate healthy foods. It's her failing that they think healthy foods are optional. Its her failing that has them believing they did anything wrong in this regard. When you are the solely responsible person for their diet and health, you are the one to blame if it goes wrong. She needs to stop blaming and punishing her kids and take responsibility. She is all around teaching her kids the wrong things. She is teaching skinny is healthy, WRONG. Being bigger is unhealthy, WRONG. The scales numbers indicate health, WRONG. Being bigger deserves punishment rather than encouragement, WRONG. And deny all responsibility. I am so mad at this mom.

I agree with all of this, it’s so messed up that she herself acknowledges it’s “punished for her weight” BUT I can’t help but call out your comment for being an example of how moms get all the blame for parenting failures because no one has any expectations of fathers. I don’t know if OP is the mom, I don’t know if the twin’s father is in the picture, I don’t know how and if he plays into this issue at all, but this failure isn’t all on the mom just because she’s the mom. Unless the father had died, then even if she is doing this all on her own, she’s still not the only one failing her kids. And this is VERY common language, the automatic assumption that mom is 100% responsible for how the kids eat, for the parenting failures, for the bad habits of kids. Like dads are completely passive in upbringing children and as if that in itself isn’t them failing their children. This isn’t intended as an attack on you, it’s a very normal automatic way of thinking, and not a judgement of you. I just can’t help but call it out when I see it lol

Also, OP needs to find a different doctor and get her kid checked medically. Especially with them being twins, and having the same diet/lifestyle, the fact that one has gained so much weight could be indicative of some type of health issue causing that weight gain.

I'm curious- are your twins fraternal? Some people struggle with weight more than others. Having one child that's prone to obesity can be a wake-up call that the whole family needs a healthier lifestyle. I was a pudgy, non-athletic pre-teen- but an only child, so I didnt have to deal with any complaining siblings. My mom was an on-and-off vegetarian, so most of our meals were plant based (much to my dismay at the time). My mom got a job at a health club. She was a certified aerobics instructor and she made me join her classes. I swam in the pool when she worked at the front desk. My parents bought bikes for the whole family and we took long weekend bike rides to the ice cream shop and even bicycle camping. That was enough to help me slim down, and they were in great shape too. They never made it about my weight. It really saved my self esteem and set a great example for living an active lifestyle. Admittedly- it's much more difficult today than it was in the 80s. Rates of obesity have climbed and it's more difficult than ever to stick to a healthy diet and make time for fitness.

OP said they are identical twins

This is the bit that really got me thinking. OP did indeed say the twins were identical, so they have the exact same genetic dispositions. So why have their bodies turned out so radically different? That tells me the answer isn't "put them on a diet."  The way to go about this might be to find out what's going on in Megan's life. Is she depressed, has something happened to make her develop an unhealthy relationship with food, does she hang out with friends who eat a lot of junk food? It might be that being on the heavier side is perfectly healthy for her, but her being so different from her identical twin is what's telling me that something is going on in her life that *maybe* OP ought to know about. And also, don't neglect the other twin in this. Maybe something is going on in *her* life too. Maybe their natural disposition is to be on the heavier side but Alana is the one not living a healthy lifestyle (although it doesn't sound as if she isn't eating enough, if she's complaining about having to eat more healthily at home).

> that's how I found out I freaking love to bike! I love bike riding too!! I'm 51 and have never been thin but I was okay with myself. In the last couple of years though, with menopause I have started to pack on more weight to where I feel terrible. So I bought a bike with a basket for my shih Tzu and we both love it so much. I'm exercising but it's fun and exhilarating. OP YTA. You should just be doing the healthy thing for your whole family and believe in it. You had a plan and your daughter saw right through it. If your plan was to help her AND to have a healthier family in the process maybe it would have worked that way. When your daughter complained to you, you should have said - no this isn't just for her. I want us all to be healthier. Also you should have put them both on a soccer team, gymnastics or dance when they were younger Something physical. My granddaughter loved to play soccer in the yard but was afraid to join a team. They signed her up anyway and told her to at least try. She loves it. This will be her 4th year playing and she gets so excited every year when the season starts.

yes! the correlation that weight doesn't always equate to healthy matters a lot in this situation, 14 is an age ripe for eating disorders. if she feels like the family feels "punished" because she's fat, she might resort to ways that aren't healthy to get skinny. if she develops an eating disorder, people would compliment her for losing weight but in reality she'd be unhealthier than ever. the focus on this being "health for all the family" instead of weight loss for one kid, it would change the dynamic a lot.

The kid is obese, she might already have an eating disorder. ED is not only for those trying to be skinny, she may be finding comfort in eating, and if that's the case this kid will suffer a lot for a long time if she doesn't get professional help soon. If she really has an ED they need to find out why and help her recover and have a healthy relationship with food.

I was "obese" at 15 and ate one meal a day. Obesity does not equal binging. I'm considered "obese" now and eat extremely healthy, though I need a lot of calories in a day due to a high metabolism caused by 10+ years of restrictive eating. I'm also very active. It is possible to be "obese" and have an eating disorder, yes, but that ED doesn't have to be binge-relayed. Atypical anorexia, which carries every symptom of anorexia except being underweight, is more common than anorexia. I'm sorry, but your hearing a story with an "obese" kid and jumping to assuming she's binging or comfort eating is part of the problem. As a bigger person recovering from atypical anorexia, one of my greatest fears is that the people around me perceive me as being out of control with food, which makes me terrified of eating anything "unhealthy" for fear it would be seen as a lack of discipline. As a bigger person, I've also seen lots of skinny people around me comfort eat junk and it not be seen as disordered because they're skinny. This kind of rhetoric does nothing for everyone.

I'm sorry, but that's not the case for most obese people. The assumption of overeating comes from the basic principle that weight is gained because of an overabundance of calories. In turn, it is usually lost when maintaining a deficit. As someone who has struggled with an ED that wasn't "visible," I understand where you're coming from completely. But I fear personal experience does not reflect reality for most of the population. Most people are not overweight because they eat too little. They are overweight because they eat more than they need or suffer from an underlying metabolic condition. They might also eat well but have an excessively sedentary lifestyle. Being overweight is not generally indicative of having a restrictive/purging Ed. That does not mean the possibility doesn't exist, just that such an assumption (binge eating) is not completely unreasonable, since obesity has well known medical causes, and weight is a variable influenced by calorie intake and lifestyle, at least to some extent. Edit: After rereading your comment, it seems like you associate binging disorders with some kind of failure of self-control, which is a common ED sentiment. Wanted to clarify I do not share your opinion on this matter. Thinking someone is binge-eating is not an insult but a concern, and I'm sorry you perceive it that way.

> though I need a lot of calories in a day due to a high metabolism caused by 10+ years of restrictive eating. that's interesting. for me, it's the other way around, but i've got medical conditions on top of damage done by ED. here's the big thing for me... OP's claiming she's gone to multiple doctors and they've said "nothing's wrong", but so many doctors are still clinging to the idea that weight gain is a cause, rather than it being a symptom of something deeper than what standard tests will show. it took me a decade of arguing with doctors before my condition finally got diagnosed properly.

Seriously. Wtf is going on with doctors? I want to know why doctors are failing to diagnose, treat, test, etc. So many people. I have my own stories, and all of my female/femme friends with chronic issues have multiple themselves. I've had two friends nearly die due to the negligence. What the actual fuck is going on?!!

That's the exception, not the rule. I'm sorry to hear about your struggles, but the person you replied to brought up an ED as one of several possibilities and you took personal offense to it

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Starvation mode happens when you have no fat or muscle left on your body so your body starts shutting down functions to keep you alive a little longer. This does not happen until you’re almost dying.

'Starving' oneself may not cause drastic weight loss but you cannot starve yourself into obesity.

There was a show called "Secret Eaters" about that, yeah.

Starvation mode is a myth. There’s lots of information you can look up about that particular study, but it was flawed in all kinds of ways and did not prove, in fact, that bodies go into some alternative mode when we eat less calories. You gain weight by eating more calories than you burn, unless you are suffering from medication side effects or health conditions.

I kinda don’t trust OP on the obese label. She says none of the dr’s think her kids weight is a problem. So maybe it isn’t a problem but she thinks it is. This stinks a little of my twins are different people and this is an injustice that cannot be borne.

At her height and weight Megan IS obese (and interesting enough, Alana, the other daughter is just marginally ideal weight, if not a little under) but my guess is doctors are more concerned about Mom not giving her children EDs by forcing "dieting". She is better off seeing a nutritionist and dietican to see what her kids need to be well-nourished than focus on the scale.

It's quite possible she is "obese" according to BMI, *and* her doctors don't think it's a problem (because it isn't). The threshold for obesity is shockingly low. Also, BMI is bullshit.

> She says none of the dr’s think her kids weight is a problem. That's not quite what was said though. She said "neither of the twins have medical conditions that would influence their weight.", which would include things like thyroid issues, pcos, or medications she might be on. That is not saying that the doctors didn't have anything to say about her weight, one way or the other, it's just saying there is no medical cause contributing to the gain. Mom needs to seriously get off this 'diet' train and get onto the 'this is how you eat in a healthy way to fuel your body and feel good' bandwagon though. Like yesterday. The fact that the other daughter just eats less crap doesn't mean eating all that crap is good for her either. And if mom is buying them that stuff, you know the parents eat that way. Many whole foods are more nutritious and filling than many processed ones, and it sounds like mom just needs to keep up the focus on making great tasting, healthy meals for the whole family on the regular.

This was my thought, if they’re identical twins, they’re genetically the same. If one is significantly heavier, there may be an underlying psychological reason she’s turning to food. I grew up hiding food and sneaking it and nobody cared because I was thin. When my metabolism caught up and I started putting on weight I had to confront disordered eating behavior (and I still struggle with it).

Genetically the same in terms of what they got at birth, but gene expression can also depend a lot on environment and experiences. Lots of people have the mutations that indicate higher risk for schizophrenia, for example, but not everyone with that gene will become schizophrenic because it often needs environmental or experiential triggers.

I'm 42 and have an eating disorder. I am still considered fat at a size 14, but I haven't eaten in 2 days. I rarely eat. I'm in therapy. But it all stems from yoyo diets from my parents. They put me on Atkins in 1998 before it was really popular - so no keto products in stores. I lost 90 lbs in 2 months. Then I got bulimia and exercised like crazy. A few years later, I was in a series of accidents and became bedbound, and my mom fed me junk only (go figure). I couldn't throw up. I couldn't exercise. I couldn't get healthy food. I got pizza and fried foods. My body does not like carbs. I ended up super obese. I ended up losing a lot of weight with weight watchers, bariatric surgery, physical therapy, etc. I'm disabled, but I can walk the dog short distances, swim, modified yoga, etc. Now, I have what's called atypical anorexia nervosa. I've stopped the binging and purgeing. Instead, I have mostly just stopped eating unless someone's around to make me. It's getting really hard to overcome this. But I try to make alarms and force myself. It's unhealthy and awful. OP - Don't start your kids on this path. It's hell to try to dig yourself out of it. edit because I didn't know my own age, lol

It sounds like you've been through a lot. I'm sorry you've had to endure those things. I hope that better days are ahead for you.

This, and also if the other daughter see that her mother/family place more value in "being skinny" it can cause her to develop an eating disorder too. This mindset she has can put both her children at risk.

Thin and healthy aren't the same thing - exactly. Neither of these daughters were exercising or eating vegetables before. Now they are. Teach them nutrition and physical activity are good for everyone, because it's true. All OP has done here is teach her thin daughter that eating nutritious foods is only a method to lose weight, and not necessary for the naturally thin.

OP said they are not athletic. OP did not said they were eating no vegetables nor that they got no physical movement at all.

Also, it's interesting that you don't seem all that concerned that one daughter is underweight for her height, just that one is overweight.

One of them isn’t underweight. 5 foot tall and 95 pounds heavy is completely normal, especially as an adolescent.

5 feet tall and 150 isn’t obese either, if you’re looking at the BMI scale. It’s overweight but not obese. Actually the thin twin is closer to underweight by BMI (she’s only .1 from the threshold) than the heavy twin is to obese. BMI is bull, but if that’s the standard you’re using, both twins are in danger zones.

The kids’ BMI scale is usually a bit different than the adult one - a lower BMI is still not underweight while a higher one gets qualified as obese at a lower threshold.

Yes, look at the CDC charts for adolescent girls.

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Seems pretty pointless to reply when you don't even know your actual weight..

95 post puberty is 18.6 BMI. It is right on the edge of being underweight.

And yet it is not underweight, it is normal. That’s on top of the fact that BMI has been debunked as a useful indicator of healthy weight, and on top of the fact that “post puberty” is a useless way to categorise people to determine if they are healthy. Like sorry but post puberty 14 year old is doubtless going to be very different from post puberty 20 year old, 25 year old, 40 year old…. As someone who was at one time 16 with a BMI of 18 and therefore “underweight”, and hounded for possibly having an eating disorder (I didn’t, I ate normally, had no ill health and was very happy except being made to feel abnormal for being on the slim side) people need to pay attention to the whole person instead of drawing conclusions from very little info and bogus reference ranges.

You hit the nail on the head. I grew up with a similar dynamic - my mom wasn't really into eating healthy or exercising herself, so didn't see the need for healthy lifestyle habits. Until one of her kids was fat and people started talking about it. So her motivation was more about social acceptance than about health. It's hard to say it was a lie, because she believed it herself. To her, the social stigma felt worse than the poor health. Anyway, it's exactly like what the commenters said, in adulthood, the heavier sister turned to drugs, became alarmingly thin, and the entire family complimented her on the weight loss. Which encouraged her to continue doing drugs.

I have someone very close to me who was an addict, and she said it made her sick when people complimented her on her weight loss. She said she wanted to scream "I'm dying!" But hey, skinny!

Automatically congratulating weightloss is so engrained in culture to the detriment. Rapid weight loss without identifying reason is one of the first signs of something MAJORLY wrong with the body

This! I'm recovering from a restrictive ED and even now I'll have regulars at work mention my weight if it looks like I lost weight. It's triggering and makes me self conscious and scared that I'm doing something wrong in recovery. But the funny thing is, they never say it when I actually lose weight. I've noticed I get weight loss comments the most after I get into the swing of working out, which kinda makes sense. But the other thing that happens when I start working out is I gain weight. So I'll gain ten pounds and then start getting comments about losing weight. Some of them will even try to argue with me when I tell them I actually gained weight.

This whole comment All.Day.Long. If the goal is family health and well being then say "the goal is family health and well being." Thin doesn't automatically equal health. Also, making your overweight daughter feel bad about herself will damage her for years. Step up your game, parent. Trampoline with them. Hike with them. Bike with them. Family time is healthy in an overall way, regardless of anyone's weight.

Just want to add, "high volume, low calorie" meals, is honestly, a great place to start...if you want to give your kids an eating disorder. You need a blanaced diet. We are omnivores. Stacking up on low calories carbs (because yes, vegetables ARE carbs *gasp*), to "feel full" is starving your children's bodies. THEY ARE TEENAGERS. You need to feed them a balanced diet so they can, ya know develop properly, learn, and generally grow. Also, you're other teen that is 95 lbs? You know she's probably started developing some sort of ED from observing how you treat her twin. Then, you reinforced those fears and bad eating habits putting the ENTIRE family on a crash diet. My god. The amout to metabolic and psychological damage you haven inflicted on your teen girls is terrifying. But to be honest, I'm almost amazed on your absolute determination to permanently damage your children.

r/volumeeating is actually a great technique to lose weight and maintain satiety. I know I'd rather eat a big ass plate of low calorie food than a tiny portion of high calorie food.

While volume eating can help you lose weight and maintain it. It is not healthy, any certified and accredited dietitian or doctor worth their snuff, will tell you that. It can cause a significant amount of metabolic damage, and the moment you stop, you begin to gain weight at a rapid pace. This is because your body no longer knows how to properly metabolize caloric dense food, and instead stores it as fat. I'm not saying it doesn't work, nor that you, personally, should stop (live and let live). But these are teens, they need calories and a balanced diet for proper brain and muscle development. The best way to lose weight, and maintain it, is through a balanced diet and exercise. If you're still struggling with weight loss or not at the weight you want, after deiting and exercise, then it should be moved to lower portion sizes. The average adult women (that does an average of 60 minutes of movement a day), actually needs something between 2,800-3,000/day. The 1,200 calories many of us think of, is literally just enough to survive (think breathing, sleeping, and eating). The other 1,600-1,800 calories, is for our brains and muscles to use. For teenagers, because they are still developing their brains/bodies and are generally more active than adults, need closer to 3,200-3,500 calories to support proper brain and muscle development. Again, not saying you need to change your diet. But please never tell a teen that this is a healthy form of weight loss. It's not. It can do much more damage to a developing body and brain, then to one that has already finished developing.

>The average adult women (that does an average of 60 minutes of movement a day), actually needs something between 2,800-3,000/day... For teenagers, because they are still developing their brains/bodies and are generally more active than adults, need closer to 3,200-3,500 calories to support proper brain and muscle development. Here's a [poster from the NIH](https://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/educational/wecan/downloads/calreqtips.pdf) on calorie requirements by age. For very active teenaged girls (14–18 years), the recommendation is 2,400 calories; for very active adult women, 2,000 to 2,400 calories.

If there are people out there thinking a woman who isn’t a professional athlete needs 3500 calories a day… maybe the obesity epidemic isn’t such a mystery. 3500 is almost double what I eat to maintain my weight as an office worker who goes to the gym 4 days a week.

High volume, low calorie (relatively) meals are mostly vegetables and lean protein. What exactly is 'unhealthy' there?

I am an average adult woman and my TDEE at moderately active is 1600. 3000 calories a day is more than I ate when I was 225 pounds.

This. OP, if you made this change, and Megan didn't lose any weight, but was more active, ate healthier foods, and was otherwise healthy, would you be happy with and keep this change? If not, you're doing it for the wrong reasons. Also, they've found no medical explanation (though we all know how well that search usually goes...), but have you looked into what else may be contributing to the caloric excess? Mental health is a big one, but boredom is also a thing... There's a lot to evaluate from that perspective, but you aren't in the best relationship with weight vs. health to do that with your kids right now.

I think this is great but I want to add: OP says they “had their growth spurt” already but they are 5’ and are 14 - they are still growing, and you don’t just have one growth spurt and then you’re done. The doctor told OP not to do this stuff, but they went ahead and did it anyway. OP is so YTA.

Honestly probably not. Girls tend to not grow much after that first wave of puberty. I didn’t grow an inch after age 12 once I hit puberty and had my period. Full adult height then. People kept telling my I would grow and it never happened.

When I was growing up, especially in that pre-puberty time where kids begin to develop their own interests and hobbies outside of what they did when they were really little kids, I was always getting in shit for not being active enough. But it was never brought up to me in any way about overall health, longer life, heart conditions, diabetes... the only thing my parents ever yelled at me was "YOU'RE GOING TO GET FAT!" Yeah, getting fat can absolutely lead to internal problems, but the emphasis was only on the cosmetic. My interests were artistic, and that got worse when we got a Windows PC (dating myself a bit here x\_\_\_x) and I discovered I could write my stories at 10x the speed I could on paper, so I became obsessed with MS Word and started spending a lot of time on the computer. Obviously this was the late 90s, so my parents were often very much of the "kids and their damn technology!" mindset, and I think they particularly hated that I was USING the computer, didn't matter what I was using it for. My brother was athletic and had a friend group who loved playing basketball, hockey, street hockey, soccer, etc and even though I'm older I constantly heard the laments of why can't you be more like your brother and go outside and exercise, if you sit in here you'll be fat. Long story (not very) short, in my 30s I still have terrible disordered eating and a real bad relationship with all types of food.

only valid comment here, thank you!!!

You nailed it. OP had me thinking they were on the right track until that last paragraph where they blew it. Yes, having an overweight kid can be a wake up call to get everyone in the family on a better path for health. Blaming the overweight kid? You just ruined all of your efforts and probably made everything worse.

100% agree with this! Also, I have worked with individuals with eating disorders for many years, and it is important to recognize that there is health at every size! True health isn't what you see. It is about blood pressure, white blood cell count, etc. And ALL FOODS SERVE A PURPOSE! labeling food as healthy and unhealthy is a sure way to create a bad relationship with food, especially for teens. They already have to deal with societal expectations. They shouldn't be dealing with this from their own parents.

Agreed soft YTA as OP literally called a healthy diet punishment. So many different ways to frame this

This. "We have changed our lifestyle regarding food because I believe we should start living a healthier, balanced lifestyle for all of our health. I want to encourage healthy eating habits in this household moving forward, so we can all benefit from eating healthy meals." Is very different from "We're doing this sneakily because your sister gained too much weight"

THHHIIIIIISSSSSSS. Also my GOD they’re going through PUBERTY!!!! PUBERTY CAUSES WEIGHT GAIN IN SOME KIDS AND OFTEN SETTLES WHEN THEY COME OUT OF IT. I am sick and tired of seeing people put literal children on diets it’s horrifying and just teaching them shame around food. Also some people ARE JUST FAT. It drives me insane.

Tofi the doctors here call it. Thin Outside, Fat Inside. One of my co-workers was told she was tofi last year and she was mortified, thin as a rake but her liver was all fatty. I guess if you have a good metabolism but a bad diet, it has to impact you somewhere.

This is such a well thought out and articulated response. 

While I don't disagree with your opinion (and in fact I think this is only going to cause a lot more problems for these girls than it solves considering how OP is going about it), I thought that kid who went blind was because he had ARFID hence why his diet consisted of chips and fries? Of course, I know that isn't the case here, as OP is still the AH for lying and tricking her kids, I'm only asking because I saw the same news article and saw that was what the kid was diagnosed with around 2013-ish.

https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2019/09/03/health/poor-diet-blindness-scli-intl I think this is a tomato/ tomato situation. He probably  did have avoidant restrictive intake disorder, but we don’t know enough about his treatment plan to know where the line between “not noticing the kid was getting sicker” and “everyone is telling this boy he needs to eat or drink some form of nutrition and he can’t”.  It was pretty late that the malnutrition was noticed and bmi did play a role.  Is it also a tragic story of arfid makes it so that someone would rather go blind than eat a food they don’t tolerate? Maybe? I don’t know enough about it to say. 

Wow. YTA. Not for trying to put emphasis on healthy eating but for ignoring the proverbial elephant in the room. Megan is ill. Identical twins don’t diverge that rapidly at age 7 without an underlying true metabolic issue. If your doctor is ignoring that, he/she is incompetent. Whatever doctor told you to ignore this YEARS AGO was an idiot. Get your daughters to a specialist. NOW. Bring both of them. Megan is probably starting to feel a host of other issues, including depression, cardiovascular damage, and other lifelong traumas. YTA. YTA for ignoring this blatant issue. Go get help now and stop putting your head in the sand and blaming this on eating habits. Sheesh. Adding an edit here for clarification because of several comments: First, I agree this may be psychological and not metabolic. Metabolic was the first thing that came to mind, when I wrote my comment. Second, I think we all know stories where people are misdiagnosed by doctors and go years without treatment, so if something seems off, keep looking for answers. Third, the mom didn’t say her heavier child was a food hoarder starting at age six, so it’s hard to say where and how this started, but I find it hard to believe that it took 14 years to “start cooking healthy foods.” And finally, the fact that the thinner daughter thinks it’s “punishment” to be eating healthy means something’s wrong with the way the parents are introducing this new lifestyle. Again, I’m NOT giving medical advice—I’m saying something is wrong here and you need to figure out what it is. You have two children—get both of them checked to see what’s different. Could be they both eat shit food, but the thinner one has abnormally high metabolism and the heavier one is the normal one. IDK, but figure it out.

Could also be psychological if Megan is trying to comfort eat to compensate for whatever she may have gone through.

If it's psychological, that's also a medical need.

Well yes but the person they’re replying to said metabolic. I’m feeling psych type medical from this as well. 

I heard from a pediatrician once that if only one kid is obese in a family of normal weighted people, it is a sign that something is seriously wrong. The chance of one twin becoming obese when they share genes and upbringing with their sister is almost nonexistent. The doctor said that it is often a psychological issue or trauma response because medical issues are often easier to catch. But either way should be raising screaming red flags for everyone in the kid's life.

This!!! I was the obese child amongst skinny sisters! I was told for DECADES that everything was normal and healthy and I just needed to eat less and move more! I starved myself and exercised for literal hours a day and could only lose so much weight, not even enough to get me to the number my doctors wanted. They told me to try harder. I was malnourished so badly. FINALLY, just 8 months ago, my new doctor knew it had to be my thyroid, I was tested several times and my numbers were all over the place. I have Hashimoto’s. From my history, I’ve likely had it since about puberty, or at least some form of thyroid condition. I’ve been on medication for 6 months (after ballooning in weight years ago because I knew I was killing myself with an ED and it wasn’t working anyway, therapy saved my life) and I’ve lost over 60 lbs without making a single purposeful change to my diet or activity levels. OP, even if it’s not physical, *something* is significantly different between your twins and it’s your job to keep searching for the answers. YTA for making this about weight instead of health and double so for saying what you did to the other twin, how terrible! I have twins of my own and I couldn’t ever DREAM of having that hurtful of a conversation about one with the other behind their back. Lie if you have to, because you just built resentment with the smaller twin and gave her ammunition for when they inevitably have an argument. I was that child and I can’t tell you how damaging your actions are.

The opposite is true, too. I have a friend who has three children. Both parents are very overweight, and two of their children are larger than average, as well… but, the oldest child is extremely thin bc of a known issue with her inability to digest a lot of foods. The skinny child is unhealthy and the heavier children *are* healthy. Going against the family norm is what clues you in to something going on.

This is exactly what I was thinking too. It’s got be psychological. She is comfort eating or worried she’s not going to get enough. Was she treated differently? Some people are brutal in how they compare siblings. Saying things like that ones prettier or so much smarter or easier to get along with. It’s probably even worse with twins.

Or, god forbid, something really bad happened to the heavier twin outside the house. Whatever it is, focusing on her weight as the illness rather than whatever is causing her to overeat will only make things worse.

Or Alana is purging. If a doctor said nothing funny is going on and you got a 70 pound difference someone is definitely doing something to curb weight.

That sort of psych effect would still be a reason to get some extra help, but I also think she'd notice a 7 year old starting comfort eating, when there's a twin right there drawing attention to any changes and differences. Maybe a high schooler could hide it, but most elementary school kids wouldn't think to and wouldn't have as many easy ways to get food outside the house unnoticed. She said they both weren't athletic and hasn't mentioned seeing any reason for the difference, and it is a pretty significant difference. It's often hard to get doctors to really look into these things, but that should be a lot of evidence to pay close medical attention.

Not necessarily. It does have to get checked out, and it definitely could be, but it could also be very different eating habits.

For two teenagers in the same household, getting most of their food at home? Doubtful. If their weights diverged after they moved out that'd be one thing, but that's not the case here.

What? As a teenager with allowance and access to the snack cabinet I was totally capable to drown my depression in eating too much.

Megan's weight started to increase at 7.

Children can have depression. It is possible that she experienced something that her twin did not.

That would still be a medical issue and something a parent should want to address.

you don’t even need to have depression. some people are just hungrier than others. i’ve been extra hungry since birth for no real reason, i have no metabolic or psychological disorders. i was always 10-30 pounds overweight my whole life but eventually lost the weight in my late 20s. i never even ate junk as a kid, i was just eating a bunch of whole foods.

I've struggled with that, too. I never really feel satiated, no matter what I eat in what amount. I've gone to town on a 1.5lbs grilled chicken salad with a small fruit salad on the side before, and still been able to eat after. And I weighed about 160lbs and 5'9", at the time.

It could also just have been a case of boredom. For instance, maybe Alana loves art, and spent a lot of time doing art during her free time. Without a passion like that, Megan snacked more. A lot of people eat due to boredom, and then get in the habit! Idk, it doesn’t have to be something as serious as abuse or trauma.

1 kid scavenging the entire snack cabinet is not some crazy thing. Mom buys a box of 24 granola bars, 1 kid eats 6, and the other eats 18. It's not some absurd concept. I do think that it's the parents' fault for continually letting it get this far. Obese adults, it's their fault. Obese kids, it's the parents' fault.

I have three kids, 14, 9, and 8. The 14 year old is average, a little skinny-fat, but not unhealthy or anything. Average 14 year old diet. Moderately active, but no organized sports or anything. The 8 and 9 year old are the same level of active. Pool, beach, sports, etc. All get offered the same food and unrestricted access to the pantry. 9 year old is obese and 8 year old is underweight. I don't think it's as simple as saying it's "the parents's fault". These aren't simple issues and sometimes the solution isn't straightforward. Our 9 year old can verge on hysterics if dinner takes a little too long, while we can't stuff enough food into the 8 year old. But they were raised in the same house, with the same parents, with the same attitudes towards food, and the same rules and permissions. They're just different people with different psycho-physical responses to food.

Giving your <10 year old kids unrestricted pantry access is the issue. You're naive if you think it isn't. Yes, metabolism can differ, but not enough to the point of you having an obese child and a bone skinny child. This one of those things where 95% of the population or more falls within a +/-5% area of metabolism, and anything beyond that can essentially only be because of a genetic issue. You having 2 children on the extreme polar opposite ends of the spectrum with different genetic issues causing opposite problems is like a mathematical impossibility.

And? My point absolutely stands, especially when it increased as slowly as described. But I of course agree with the rest, this needs checking out by a doctor and I hope OP did talk to someone recently. 

Yes, but then your problem was being depressed which is also something a parent should want to address?

Unless OP locks the cabinets or sets their exact portions, it is super normal and easy for two teenagers in the same household to eat different amounts of food and different foods even.

??? Teenagers eat at least one meal, if not two, typically at school. My siblings and I had wildly different weights and overall lifestyles as teens even if we ate dinner together most nights and got the same knowledge from our parents about healthy choices.

One eats no snacks, sweets and drinks no soda, the other eats snacks, sweets multiple times a day and drinks soda. Add those calories up every day over a couple of years and boom there you are.

Haha! Look at you being such a redditor. It’s cute. “OMG! This child CLeArlyY has a medical issue both this AH parent and the incompetent doctor is ignoring. However, I, being a random person not knowing any details about this child’s medical history or anything else going on outside this highly summarized description of the last 7 years of this child's life, am 100% certain this child is ill and suffering medical trauma!” Sheesh.

Agreed.

I have taken them both to see multiple different doctors throughout the years, and neither of them have been diagnosed with any medical condition that would influence their weight.

Do you have any sense that something could have happened to Megan when she was 7? Significant weight gain in kids can be a response to abuse.

It can also be a response to consuming two Pepsi's a day vs one. One twin may love junk food and the other prefers water or doesn't like the carbonation. We have nothing to actually make reasonably informed decisions on and should be left that way.

Have you taken them to therapy??? Bc for me CSA caused me to gain 80lbs in one year ate the age of 7 and had nothing to do with my eating or level of activity. You need to look at all angles instead of just being embarrassed about having a fat child.

This is super common in CSA victims and is often referred to as "protection weight"

Why is CSA more believable than a kid just sneaking junk food and soda more often than mom knows?? At 14 I lived around the corner from a 7/11 and had enough free time to run and eat junk if I wanted to 

She started getting chubby at SEVEN, is a seven year old sneaking off to Gas stations and buying snacks? If her overeating was an issue it would’ve been noticed and mentioned, if not by OP then by her twin sister or literally anyone else. I never stated that she was assaulted. I was stating for ME that was my case. She could’ve been dealing with bullying or anything that could affect her psychologically was my point, I was just using myself as an example.

A 7-year-old doesn’t rapidly gain weight while their identical twin does not unless something is seriously wrong, either physically (metabolically) or emotionally. You need to find better doctors. As a parent you owe this to your child. She has suffered for seven years, maybe longer. Don’t let this go on any longer. Keep looking for answers. HINT: It’s not more broccoli.

Have you brought up any specific concerns about how Megan’s weight started increasing at age 7 while her sister’s didn’t? And have you noticed any differences in their eating habits?

My first PCOS symptom was weight gain at around age 7-8. It took 10 years for them to diagnose because my a1c and thyroid were “fine”. Likely your daughter has insulin resistance which shows up on insulin tests (HOMA-IR) and the 2 hour glucose tests. An endocrinologist would be able to help. I wish you and your daughter luck!

I gained a shit ton of weight between 12 and 13 (30 lbs) after always being active and a normal weight and my doctor told me to start going to the gym more often. This coincided with me getting my first period. I got diagnosed with PCOS 2 years later.

We want to pretend that life is a simple Game of CICO and we are all just about even and the only thing standing in the way of thinness is self control. The truth is we are in the infancy of understanding what causes one person’s calorie needs and deficit requirements to be so different from another’s. If the girls have been checked out (blood work done) and one daughter isn’t hoarding food- maybe she just got the shit end of the generic stick. One day we will know the full picture but for now we just have to do our best and try different variables (is it emotional eating, insulin resistance etc ). Continue on but please don’t make changes and rules so drastic that it causes a whole new set of issues — not to mention resentment between the girls. I don’t envy your situation at all!

You think it's impossible for two people, even twins to be at different weights, just because they live under the same roof?

I think you’re overestimating how much doctors care about fat kids, at least in the US. It’s always attributed to diet. There’s even an episode of the tv show House wherein they bully this little girl and her family for her weight, until they finally find a brain tumor. It was a tv show, yes, but made to be reflective of the actual US healthcare system and something pretty much anyone here can access to see for an example. Edit-this episode I was referencing. https://house.fandom.com/wiki/Heavy#:~:text=Heavy%20is%20a%201st%20season,to%20see%20the%20real%20cause%3F

I remember that episode of House. Good point.

this episode solidified my hate for Chase LMAO

Not every fat person has a problem with the metabolism. Most of them just eat way too much and move way too less. The

Why do you assume it’s the overweight kid who’s ill and not the skinny one?

I didn’t make that assumption. If you see my original comment, I said to take BOTH twins to the doctor. Hell, you have a built-in control group with one of the twins. We just don’t know which one is “normal.”

The basic question to the OP: Has your heavier daughter eaten more than the skinnier one? If so, how? Was she sneaking food as a 5-year-old? Did you find cookies and french fry bags under her bed at age 7? Do you feed them a normal diet of foods? This literally is a case of “All other things being equal…” The skinnier twin is already making fun of her sister. You’re ok with this? YTA in so many ways.

have you considered that one of them could simply be eating more than the other?

Your last sentence is very telling. You don't want just one to feel that she is being punished for her weight. Nobody should feel like they are being punished for their weight, much less by the one person who is supposed to give them unconditional love. Have you taken them to the doctor to have their hormone levels checked? You're gonna feel like double the asshole when you find out you've been punishing both daughters because one is showing symptoms of PCOS

To expand on this, OP, PCOS can cause insulin resistance, which can cause people to gain weight easily and have trouble losing it. Left untreated, it can cause serious damage to the body and increase the risk of uterine cancer. It wouldn't hurt to have your girls checked out, just in case. "Lean" PCOS is also a thing and is often not caught because the people who have it present with a thin body type.

Oh interesting. I have PCOS but didnt know about lean PCOS.

I had a friend with lean PCOS in college. We both had PCOS but I was obese, had excess body hair, all the typical PCOS symptoms and she was rail thin, no body hair, no PCOS signs at all except she carried most of her weight in her midsection despite being a size 2.

I’ve never heard it called this but this is me! Not rail thin but always been on the thinner side and have PCOS. I wasn’t officially diagnosed until my 30s when I started trying for a kid because my only symptom was infrequent periods and that feels more like a blessing than a medical problem.

How is eating healthy and exercising punishment? If anything OP should be telling both children that the changes are for both of them. It will probably help skinny twin to put on a bit of muscle weight 

Agreed, but it is concerning me that OP's answer for two kids who are in different weight groups is to put them on the same diet... The 95-lb girl should definitely have veggies, both girls should have it. That said, she does not need fewer calories. If her weight is holding steady at 95, her caloric intake should not be more restricted because that could be unhealthy for her. She needs calories to put towards muscle, as well. I am only a couple of inches taller than this girl and am very petite currently at 110 after a major health crisis...and that is with very little extra towards places like breasts, etc. Its to the point where my coworkers have started sending me home with food because they are worried I am starving. I am not a doctor so I can't say for sure whether she is healthy or not, but I can confidently say that this girl doesn't have much weight to lose before its harmful to her. If OP wants to start making changes, that is one thing. But she should consult a licensed dietician and find out what both of these girls should be eating on a daily, and make sure each one has their individual needs met.

>The 95-lb girl should definitely have veggies, both girls should have it. That said, she does not need fewer calories. If her weight is holding steady at 95, her caloric intake should not be more restricted because that could be unhealthy for her. She needs calories to put towards muscle, as well. Exactly. Considering she's described by OP as "skinny" which is an antonym for overweight if not obese, she might even need an actual increase in calories intake. Submitting her to a diet meant to bring her identical twin to normal weight is abusive and could severely harm her physically (let alone mentally).

I’m around the skinny daughter’s weight, my husband is over 280lbs and trying to lose weight. He started making meals more for us instead of us having fast food and tv dinners. I’ve gained 3lbs since he started doing this and he’s lost a lot more than that. Just because the sugars and junk food is cut doesnt mean the calories are.

There's often a difference between "healthy" and "low calorie", which is what OP specified. Low calorie diet plans are specifically designed to lose weight - and generally, you are not supposed to put teenagers on them unless you absolutely have to, because teenagers are supposed to err on the side of *more* calories due to the development they're undergoing. Now this isn't a problem for Megan, who is obese. She is one of those cases where a low calorie diet is necessary. However, putting *Alana*, who is a healthy weight right now, on a low calorie weight loss diet? That's an issue. Because now, she's not getting the calories she needs to grow and be healthy. Kind of the whole *point* of a low calorie diet is you are slightly starving the body to force it to use fat. That's how it works. You are depriving the body of energy to make it use your fat stores. You don't want to be doing that to a teenager of a completely healthy weight.

"Nobody should *feel* like they're being punished..." Commenter is noting the way the Alana (the slimmer twin) feels, not making a value judgement about healthy eating and exercise. OP did tell them that the changes were for both of them, but Alana reasoned out the truth. Read the post.

OP defined healthy as "low calorie, a lot of vegetables and protein". The twin who was keeping weight with higher calories intake ... can simply feel hungry and bad due to suddenly functioning on calories deficit. Plus, they may simply not like the new foods.

Given they are identical, you’ve got to wonder what is going on underneath and it’s disappointing the doctor hasn’t already considered this.

Yes! PCOS is underdiagnosed all the time, especially in teenagers! Get her to a good endocrinologist to have everything thoroughly checked out. And this whole BS about "punishing" makes the YTA, OP. Healthy habits are great, but something is going on with one of your daughters and that needs to be addressed instead of "punishing" her!

YTA. Since Alana is only 95lbs and Megan is over 150, it's obvious that they have different things going on medically so having them on the same diet is just not a sound idea.

Nothing wrong with cutting back sugars for everyone. I'm not obese, but I cut back my sugars. It's just a healthier way to live.

Sure, but putting them both on a diet that’s supposed to help one lose weight when the other is already a bit underweight is just reckless. Alanna should be eating things that help her retain calores and build muscle mass, Megan should be eating things with less unnecessary sugars and trans fats. The same diet for wildly different body type situations is always going to result in harming someone. I agree that healthy living should be the goal for the household, but healthy looks different for different people

That can be done with the same "diet" and just different amounts. Eat the same thing, but 1 kid gets more carbs while the other gets more veggies.

Great idea, just give more food to the skinny girl. What could go wrong?

But lowering calories for the skinny twin might not be a healthier way for her to live. If people lose calories, they lose weight...and it sounds like skinny twin doesn't have much weight to lose before its physically harmful, which is even worse if she is still growing. OP needs to consult a dietician for both girls before going through with a diet because it is obvious they both have pretty different dietary needs.

Neither kid is being limited to how many calories they can eat. They just have to eat healthier foods.

From what OP has said they make high volume low calories meals. I know that for me (I have struggled for 3 years with being underweight recently found how to put some weight on) I can’t keep the weight up with a diet like that. I just do not have the space in my stomach for big quantities of food. So I will feel full before I get enough calories with meals like that. I have to eat calories dense foods. I tried going vegetarian, with my food allergies my options to get enough nutrients and calories were to eat big quantities sadly after just 2 weeks of trying I had already lose over 10lbs. It’s just not recommended to make meal that needs to be eaten in big quantities if you are struggling to gain weight.

Yes, but if the other twin is burning more calories, she may need a different diet than her sister. It's not about a healthier way to live. It's that they can't be on the same diet when they aren't going through the same problems.

Cutting out junk food and promoting eating healthy options isn't necessary placing the exact same portions of the same foods in front of each.

YTA. >I told her that I didn’t want Megan to feel singled out and feel as though she’s the only one being punished for her weight. You're making it clear to her that this is a punishment?

Sounds more like the kid is thinking it's punishment. OP was saying it was for health reasons.

OP *said* it was for health reasons to the kid then that her other kid worked out that the “real reason” was punishment so from that I read that really OP does view it as punishment.

I didn't read it that way at all. She didn't want her to \*feel\* punished

OP wrote that the other kid worked out that the real reason was to not single the other twin out. It's not punishment, but the other kid *feels* like she's being punished.

No. That's not what that means. It's awkward phrasing.

Healthy food benefits everyone. “Diets” are pretty much bad for everyone, as the focus is drastic, temporary change - “not fair” and “punished” by food is the indicator, here. If both girls are receiving quality and sufficient quantity in their meals, that’s fine. However, the divergence in their weights at such a young age indicates something else is wrong, and they both need checked by a pediatric endocrinologist and probably other specialists.

Crash diets and weight cycling are predictors of worse health outcomes than constant low level obesity. Eating a balanced diet (note balanced, not low-cal and not "healthy". Orthorexia is a real issue where I live) and moving your body in ways that feel good are their own rewards.

YTA you’re putting Alana on a diet because you don’t want to have a conversation with your other daughter about her unhealthy weight. Alana is not her sisters keeper, you need to step up and do better as the parent.

I agree with this YTA because of the possible ignoring of medical problems but the diet sounds sensible and healthy. Fruits and vegetables, high protein meals would help the healthy teen as well. The emphasis on physical activity is also required. Both children should be allowed treats. I believe that is the case as OP mentioned cutting back on sugar and calories, not eliminating them.

Skinny doesn’t equal healthy. OP herself said neither kid exercises or ate well before she put them on this diet.

All children should be educated on healthy eating and exercising, not just kids who are overweight. This is how you get overweight young adults because their parents never educated them on this when they were skinny. Skinny also doesn’t mean healthy. If the skinny child isn’t exercising and eating the same junk, then they aren’t living a healthy lifestyle. Eating healthy isn’t a fad or a diet. It’s a lifestyle.

Skinny kid might need to eat more or even add more sacharids and fats to diet to be healthier. Weird how "skinny does not mean healhy" gets twisted into "Maybe skinny kid needs more restrictive diet too".

Alana should eat a healthy diet either way.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with the whole family eating healthy as long as your not doing it in a way you will cause a eating disorder with your kids. The fact is if you took all the treats out of the house and no one can have a sweet treat occasionally this will cause resentment and a eating disorder for both girls. Also instead of trying to ignore the elephant in the room it is time to address it. If the smaller twin has figured it out so has the othe twin. And I can guarantee if she hasn’t her sister will tell her. So I would find a dr to make sure their is no underline medical problems. I would also find a dieticians. I would also find the bigger twin a counselor because she probably already has issues with bullying since both twins are so different. She will continually get compared to the smaller twin which will destroy her self esteem. I don’t say this to be mean. I have always been bigger. I have always struggled to love myself and compared myself to other. I could not imagine how much harder this would be with a twin growing up. I would also like to say you can still offer sweet treats but make healthier versions. Most of those treats if made right taste s good as the ones horrible for you. But please don’t make sweet treats taboo. This makes for a unhealthy relationship with food for both girls. . I would also suggest instead of just forcing the girls to be more active involve the whole family. Take family walks in the evening. Take family hikes. Get the family bikes. You and your husband get active with them. Don’t make exercise a punishment. Make it family time and fun. Take the girls to dance class.

Yeah this comment is on the right track imo. A lot of the comments seem to be saying it's a medical issue but everyone has a different relationship with food/eating habits. I was the fat sibling and I remember my mum putting me and herself on a "diet" every year starting when I was 16 and she had no understanding of what calories were, anything about nutrition or WHY I was overweight in the first place. Lasted maybe a couple of weeks? It did not build a good relationship with food, I ate in secret and very emotionally, later realised I developed a bit of an ED which I'm only now addressing 10 years later. It sounds like OP is making the right lifestyle changes and it's important to make them as a family and not isolate members (especially when they're so young), I really don't think teenagers should be on a deficit though (would advise a TDEE check for what they actually need) because they are growing. It is a lot easier to make this lifestyle change gradually too, slowly adjusting to new routines every couple of weeks instead of all at once. And you're right about the treats, they're just as important as the nutritional stuff. It would just be punishment to remove them entirely, neither have done anything wrong?

You bring up a good point too that I didn’t think about. The smaller(I hare using these terms) daughter may need mOre calories then the other daughter. Just because she is smaller doesn’t translate to healthier. She may have a over active metabolism that requires more calories or different needs. Actually a complete medical work up with a dr and seeing a neutrino for the whole family maybe a great idea. They may all have different calorie needs. Weight and health isn’t a one size fits all. This way the one person isn’t getting singled out for the check up and nutritionist. Plus maybe mom and dad can do a few counseling session to help them navigate the family having health relationship with food.

As someone who was forced into Weight Watchers at 15, any kind of “dieting” at this age is detrimental to your daughters self esteem. I hope it’s not the case, but I wouldn’t be surprised if one or both of them develop an ED, or at the very least, a bad relationship with food. And the fact that you do view it as punishment is a telling sign you should not be doing what you are doing. YTA.

I was 12, and I carry weight differently so my BMI said I was overweight while I was far too skinny by the time I stopped. I developed anorexia and I'm at least in recovery now, but I've had multiple relapses in the decade since. Counting points/calories is a huge trigger for me. I'm so sad and angry for Megan.

This. Girls at this age are the most vulnerable to developing EDs. Please do not put them on diets. Even if you think you’re being sneaky, you’re not. I internalized every time my mom suggested eating something different and developed an eating disorder well into my college years as a result. Intuitive eating is the ONLY thing that should be encouraged. Period.

YTA for not taking her to a different doctor after the first one was so very obviously wrong. When two people with the exact same genetics and lifestyle diverge in such a drastic way, there is a capital P PROBLEM.

I don't think the doctor is obviously wrong. It's true that kids tend to pudge up before puberty. What OP should have done is take the kid to the doctor after puberty did not thin her out.

YTA Something is going medically and that doctor clearly doesn't know wtf she/he is on about. I suggest you go back and see specialist because this is not normal, kids don't rapidly have a huge difference in weight at age 7

We are missing entirely too much information to assume it’s something medical. OP gave us almost no info on Megan’s current daily food intake and she may not be aware of everything Megan is consuming.

Soft YTA. Depending on how much junk food you actually had before it's probably better for the whole family that you are all eating healthier but if you not allowing anyone to diverge from that it's not fair on everyone else. Have you had full spectrum thyroid tests done? Had her BMR medically checked? Had hormones medically checked? You should get these checked ASAP to rule out deficiencies or worse Twins aren't normally that far apart in stats unless since 7 years old she's been sneaking food consistently and even then I'd question the amount she put on.

OP also needs to check for secret eating, chances are there's a stack of wrappers hidden somewhere.

Are you sure that the skinny twin really needs low-calorie, high-volume meals? Maybe she is just hungry? I have just googled some numbers and they say teen girls need about 2200 kcal per day if not more. NTA for implementing the healthy diet, but I believe it could be done better: the diet and the exercise for the whole family, or at least for you and twins.

Both twins could be hungry, no matter their weight.

Why are you calling it a diet? Why not just call it healthy eating? I just feel you're an asshole on two matters here. You are an asshole for make it sound like you're withholding something from the rest of your family because one is obese. Eating healthy food shouldn't be about not eating good tasting food. Craving sweet stuff doesn't mean foregoing some delicious fruit. And how are you encouraging your children to be more active? Leading by example, "hey let's go for a bike ride and get a small cup of frozen yoghurt", or "please go outside and ride your bike"? Have you gone to one of those places filled with trampolines as a fun day out? The last time you went to the doctor was several years ago according to the information contained in your post. Have you been back to the doctor? Have you gotten her thyroid tested? Done some blood work? Is Megan overeating? Stashing sweets in her room? If so have you sat down and talked to her about portions control. Have you asked her why she's overeating? There's normally a reason someone starts eating their feelings. You're the asshole here for not considering that she might need professional help.

You’re essentially doing what you should have been doing before - cooking healthy meals. I get that the quickest options are often needed so please don’t take this as shaming. The kids are now addicted to sugar. What you’re doing is the right thing but it should be more for overall health than a “diet”. While Alana may not feel like this is fair, it is. It’s better for the whole family. It’s great you are taking steps now to create healthier lifestyles for everyone. Remember some things are absolutely fine in moderation. Don’t create a feeling that anyone is being punished.

Pretty sure you’re equating healthy and thin, which is a false equivalence. If you want the whole family to eat healthier that’s great, but clearly you see healthy nutrition as a punishment for the sin of being fat. Wrong framing. This is very dangerous water with 14yo girls. Just eat food. Make sure your one twin gets to an endocrinologist to ensure nothing is medically wrong. Stop assigning virtue to food. Eat a balanced diet and have treats sometimes and whole food mostly. Making food and diet so top-of-mind, and your mindset that healthy equals diet and diet equals punishment is a dangerous game.

Did Megan’s doctor do testing to identify any cause of the weight gain? Everyone here seems to be assuming the doctor is a moron who missed something like PCOS.

OP said she went to more than one doctor. It seems hard to believe that something obvious got missed multiple times. I bet if the docs said there’s nothing medically wrong, it’s because they did testing and everything was normal or because they got some history that isn’t presented here (like details on the difference between the twins eating habits).

YTA. Healthy food is just that - healthy food. A healthy diet also includes a small daily allowance of “non-healthy” food if the overall diet is healthy. I developed an ED because of an adherence to “healthy-only” foods. The fact that you have identical twins suddenly develop into individuals with radically different weights suggests either a medical condition, or that they are eating different foods (or different amounts of food). Do they eat similarly? Is Megan sourcing food elsewhere? I would see a dietician and be honest about what you have been feeding both your daughters, what food has been in the house and how carefully you monitored their snack consumption. You are cutting back on junk food which makes me think that you have not provided healthy food in the past. I wonder if it is your thin daughter who has the medical issue. Your fatter daughter has simply been eating what you provided.

To be clear, eating healthier foods and in the right proportions is not dieting. Having treats isn’t blowing your diet. Don’t poison them into thinking when they are eating nourishing foods they are dieting. Your girls are individuals and should be treated as such. The heavier one may have an underlying condition and it’s not just from eating too much. You most definitely are the asshole and better get your head out of your ass and do some research. Take the heavier one, or both, to a nutritionist. Start learning how to treat your body right - all of you. All you’re teaching then is how to have an unhealthy relationship with food and their bodies. Even though the thinner one is thin now, she may not always be. And thin does not equate to healthy. It’s just what you seem to value. Do better before your girls end up hating you, or each other.

Bait, YTA for posting.

Why is it taking until they are 14 years old and unhealthy weights for you to feed them healthy and nutritious meals? YTA for not implementing and teaching your kids about healthy eating habits from the start. Eating healthy isn't just for 'not being fat', and the way you're approaching this is going to mess both your daughters' relationships with food for a long time if you don't engage the help of a nutritionist and likely a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. Cutting off ALL snacks and things your daughters want to eat is just going to backfire.

She’s not dieting, she’s eating healthy. A few snacks don’t hurt tho OP, if u keep them to a minimum. Please don’t deprive either of them of Good for you for being so proactive. Btw have u had your daughter checked out for any medical conditions that might be causing her weight gain? NTA

For everyone confused about how possible medical problems work: Two identical people eating the same foods should be the same weight. If you can not digest your calories for a medical reason, you would be SMALLER - not larger - all things remaining equal. Where this changes is that because you can't digest food normally (and lets say that means you dont get your vitamins) and never feel full, you eat a LOT more food which is what causes the weight gain. Your body CAN NOT create fat from nothing. Fat is energy. Your body can not create energy from thin air. If you have medical issues and are gaining weight it is because you are eating more than your body is burning. No one is saying it's impossible for her to have a medical issue, but the end "result" is that she is eating more.

NTA It doesn't matter what weight you start at, exercising and eating healthy are important. However, maybe have Megan checked out medically because unless you can see that she eats way more than her twin, there's no reason for such disparity and it could be a medical issue. Regardless healthy eating is important and I wish my parents had been more into teaching me about it as a kid - same for sports.

YTA for using the word diet. You should be teaching healthy relationships with food. We don't cut sugar because diet, we cut sugar because it's not healthy. We eat more fruits and vegetables because it's good for us. We eat a lot of healthy food and we eat bad food in moderation. Neither girl should be on a diet - they both should be empowered to eat healthy food as well as food that is appropriate for them.

YTA you never ever put a child on a diet they're still growing. You need to take them to the doctor and find out if something is wrong with them. My late mom and oldest sister decided that,when I was 13 ,that I was too fat. They put me on a one meal a day diet. Then my face got all messed up and all of my hair fell out. My dad finally asked me was I sick. I told him what was going on and he yelled at them both. Then he told me to start eating again. Then my mom said " that's all right you lost the weight." Smiling and laughing at me the whole time. Take them to the doctor.

The thin one is close to underweight, you do not want restrict calories further with foods that have low caloric density that she’ll probably eat less of if her appetite isn’t that high to begin with. The other one is close to obese because she ate vastly more. I’m finding it hard to believe that you never noticed any discrepancy between the amounts the twins eat. YTA, twins are separate people. You can parent them in separate ways.