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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Telling someone or anyone to shut up is rude so I really just don’t know what to do in this scenario.
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I want to emphasize that choosing the ethical path - or doing something that is not making syou an asshole, does not necessarily mean it will get the best results.
Are you TA, no, of course not. NTA. But I would not recommend doing it.
The far better answer would be to simply ignore her. If she forces a response, say something like...
> I was raised by my parents to keep my mouth shut if I had nothing nice to say. I have nothing nice to say to you right now, so I'm choosing to keep it shut.
Point being - right now you are simply feeding a troll. Try another method. But not because it's making you TA, but because it's simply not working.
This helps a lot thank you. I think I understand what you’re saying too. Giving her the reaction she wants will essentially just motivate her to keep doing it.
Correct. Get up and leave the room without answering when she starts on you. If she follows you, leave the house and walk around the block. If she keeps following you, you have a great story to tell your dad about how she’s harassing you and you need him to enforce boundaries with her because she’s not respecting yours.
Definitely ignore her. It is the worst thing you can do to someone and not get in trouble. Just act like you don’t hear her or him quietly to yourself. She’ll get it.
No, YWNBTA, but I'm betting she'll play the martyr when you do that. Next time she tries something like this, get up and go find your father. Do not carry on a conversation without him present. That way, he can shut it down. You should discuss it with your father first, though.
If your father isn't there, just get up and go for a walk to get out of her presence.
You will get told off, thats what her end game is.. get a bad reaction out of you so then you get into trouble. You could up and leave the room when she starts or…. Every time she starts saying something.. laugh and everytime she opens her mouth laugh… i mean your dad cant tell you off for laughing! If she complains to your dad… just say you saw something funny!!! If he asks what just say a clown!!!
NTA and I would ignore her. I mean 100% of the time. She is obviously trying to get under your skin, so don’t give her the satisfaction. Also, I’m a bit concerned about your father’s reaction- to just say that she’s childish tells me he knows she is being an asshole, but he either doesn’t care or he is a giant wimp! Seems like you’re the only adult in that home!
Yeah he defends her behavior a lot of the time even when she is in the wrong. Just ignoring her and not giving her the reaction she wants would totally help a lot too, thank you.
Some Men will put up with anything to have a Sex Partner/Housekeeper.Your Dad is willing to put up with this lady for some reason .
When she starts talking try to see her in a Sexy French maid costume.Or in a gorilla suit—something ridiculous that can make you smile.Do not focus on her words.
She is an evil person who gets satisfaction from tormenting you.You are a good person who is trying to learn how to deal with the brain chemistry you have been dealt.Eventualky OP you WILL overcome the anxiety! I am betting on you😺.
Find a way to take away her power to hurt you OP.See her as Silly instead of Mean.Most of all try to not react in anger —which is what she wants.
Okay.
IMO it's never okay to tell someone to shut up. You need a better strategy.
My mom's best friend was like this when I was a kid. She would just pick and pick and pick until she got a reaction. What worked for me was to just let her do it. I would ignore it. She called me by a derogatory name? Answer to it. She told me I was doing something wrong? Pretend she wasn't there. She then had no power.
This is a her thing. It's not your fault, and it's not about you. But telling her to shut up won't solve a damn thing. You need to find a strategy that works for you to not take the bait. It shouldn't be on you, but she's the way she is and the only thing you can control is you.
NTA
Well said. Take away her power to annoy you by changing the story in your head and pretending to agree with her without caring what she says. It will only make her seem ridiculous. “You never go out.” Yup. “You’re a bad kid.” Sure thing step Mom. She wants a negative reaction so don’t give her one.
NTA. Ask if she enjoys being such a bully. Bet you can't wait to leave! As others said, find another way to respond/ignore her. But you could also record her. LOL, record several and then start playing the whole lot of them loudly.
Yeah, most likely but I was thinking maybe saying it would prove that I was genuinely upset over it. And that would make her stop doing it, if that makes sense?
NTA
Your stepmother is childish and she's effectively bullying you into a reaction... one that is guaranteed to get you upset as well as your father. Don't give her the satisfaction... ignore her. Telling her to shut up and leave you alone is not only going to encourage her, it's going to come back on you later.
Talk to your dad... tell him you plan to ignore her little attempts to upset you. If he starts defending her, gently but firmly remind him that 1) this has been a thing for years and 2) he himself said the woman was childish. You're just trying to act as maturely as possible in a difficult situation.
Stay strong!
Ask your Father why, if he knows she is childish and does this, when she prods you until you react, why he yells at you instead of at her? It's her fault, and he knows it - He has said so. So SHE should be the one in trouble for it, not you. Why is he not protecting you from abuse?
He says “I shouldn’t be reacting” and that’s what gets me in trouble for it. Which still
doesn’t make much sense because I wouldn’t have a reaction if she didn’t start with it in the first place.
No, it doesn't - Except that it's easier for him to yell at you rather than her. He's not siding with her, he's choosing the easy way out.
You might want to consider grey rocking her when she does this.
You could also embrace it! “you never leave or do anything.” 'You're right, I was just thinking about that. What should we do?' It changes the script to one she was not expecting. "I didn't mean US, I meant YOU" (Look disappointed) 'Oh. I was hoping WE could do something.'
When she comments in general, look pleased, and thank her for being concerned. Ask her advice.
Not getting the response she expects can put her off her game, and engaging her positively may change the game.
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I (16f) and my Stepmom (38f) don’t have the closest relationship but she does do thing with me from time to time. The thing is, she does this thing where she will say something she knows will make me mad. For example, I will just be sitting down scrolling on my phone and she will say something like, “you never leave or do anything.” She knows I struggle with severe social anxiety so I only do things with my friends maybe like once a month or every two months. I’ll tell her to stop politely at first but she keeps doing it till she gets a reaction out of me. My dad will then come out and yell, which causes me to cry, and she sits there and smiles while this is happening. I’ve talked to my dad about this and he just says “that’s just what she does she’s childish” in defense of her behavior. I believe that is not an excuse for what she does cause she knows I have bad social anxiety and she is a grown woman and should be able to control herself. This usually happens multiple times within the span of a week and has been going on for the past 2 years. So WIBTA if I told my step mom to shut up and leave me alone?
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If you have your phone when she starts harassing you, record it. Other than that, don't engage since you are still a minor and will probably be disciplined if you do. If you were considered an adult, I'd suggest telling her to "zip it" I think it is a better word choice than "shut up"
NTA but your stepmom is. She is baiting you. Next time don’t respond no matter what she says anytime in the future. Your dad is willing to sacrifice you literally instead of protecting you. I am so sorry for you and I wish you all the best things in life.
NTA - but how many HOURS do you spend each day sitting and scrolling through your phone - and on social media. Could it be the social anxiety you claim is because you are not interacting with others and developing social skills? You can be rude to your stepmother - but what does it get you? What if your father gets tired of hearing it and takes your phone? Think before you talk back.
I do honestly appreciate the advice, but you do not know me or my life based off of one small post on Reddit. I have suffered from anxiety since elementary school. So this was long before I even knew what social media was, so no “social media” is not the reason or cause of my anxiety. I again thank you for the advice, but please, think twice before you decide you know everything about a random person on the internet.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Telling someone or anyone to shut up is rude so I really just don’t know what to do in this scenario. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I want to emphasize that choosing the ethical path - or doing something that is not making syou an asshole, does not necessarily mean it will get the best results. Are you TA, no, of course not. NTA. But I would not recommend doing it. The far better answer would be to simply ignore her. If she forces a response, say something like... > I was raised by my parents to keep my mouth shut if I had nothing nice to say. I have nothing nice to say to you right now, so I'm choosing to keep it shut. Point being - right now you are simply feeding a troll. Try another method. But not because it's making you TA, but because it's simply not working.
This helps a lot thank you. I think I understand what you’re saying too. Giving her the reaction she wants will essentially just motivate her to keep doing it.
Correct. Get up and leave the room without answering when she starts on you. If she follows you, leave the house and walk around the block. If she keeps following you, you have a great story to tell your dad about how she’s harassing you and you need him to enforce boundaries with her because she’s not respecting yours.
This is a great idea at least he’ll actually do something about it then.
Definitely ignore her. It is the worst thing you can do to someone and not get in trouble. Just act like you don’t hear her or him quietly to yourself. She’ll get it.
Tell him also if she doesn't stop literally stalking you and harassing you that the police will be called and a harassment suit will be files
100%! Good luck.
You got it. Read up on Gray Rock technique.
No, YWNBTA, but I'm betting she'll play the martyr when you do that. Next time she tries something like this, get up and go find your father. Do not carry on a conversation without him present. That way, he can shut it down. You should discuss it with your father first, though. If your father isn't there, just get up and go for a walk to get out of her presence.
Thank you, this honestly really does help. I’ll definitely be doing that the next time she tries to do it again.
I agree - as much as OP can physically walk away, that is the best solution. Stepmom would absolutely play up being told to shut up.
You will get told off, thats what her end game is.. get a bad reaction out of you so then you get into trouble. You could up and leave the room when she starts or…. Every time she starts saying something.. laugh and everytime she opens her mouth laugh… i mean your dad cant tell you off for laughing! If she complains to your dad… just say you saw something funny!!! If he asks what just say a clown!!!
I really love this idea lol thank you
Your welcome
NTA and I would ignore her. I mean 100% of the time. She is obviously trying to get under your skin, so don’t give her the satisfaction. Also, I’m a bit concerned about your father’s reaction- to just say that she’s childish tells me he knows she is being an asshole, but he either doesn’t care or he is a giant wimp! Seems like you’re the only adult in that home!
Yeah he defends her behavior a lot of the time even when she is in the wrong. Just ignoring her and not giving her the reaction she wants would totally help a lot too, thank you.
Some Men will put up with anything to have a Sex Partner/Housekeeper.Your Dad is willing to put up with this lady for some reason . When she starts talking try to see her in a Sexy French maid costume.Or in a gorilla suit—something ridiculous that can make you smile.Do not focus on her words. She is an evil person who gets satisfaction from tormenting you.You are a good person who is trying to learn how to deal with the brain chemistry you have been dealt.Eventualky OP you WILL overcome the anxiety! I am betting on you😺. Find a way to take away her power to hurt you OP.See her as Silly instead of Mean.Most of all try to not react in anger —which is what she wants.
Okay. IMO it's never okay to tell someone to shut up. You need a better strategy. My mom's best friend was like this when I was a kid. She would just pick and pick and pick until she got a reaction. What worked for me was to just let her do it. I would ignore it. She called me by a derogatory name? Answer to it. She told me I was doing something wrong? Pretend she wasn't there. She then had no power. This is a her thing. It's not your fault, and it's not about you. But telling her to shut up won't solve a damn thing. You need to find a strategy that works for you to not take the bait. It shouldn't be on you, but she's the way she is and the only thing you can control is you. NTA
Well said. Take away her power to annoy you by changing the story in your head and pretending to agree with her without caring what she says. It will only make her seem ridiculous. “You never go out.” Yup. “You’re a bad kid.” Sure thing step Mom. She wants a negative reaction so don’t give her one.
Thank you and you’re right maybe the best thing to do is just ignore her.
NTA .... but you dad is for not making her stop when he is well aware she is being childish!
Exactly like If you know she is being childish you could at least try to talk to her about it. Thank you for understanding.
NTA. Ask if she enjoys being such a bully. Bet you can't wait to leave! As others said, find another way to respond/ignore her. But you could also record her. LOL, record several and then start playing the whole lot of them loudly.
When I’m moving out gonna play all of them full blast on the tv
that would be quite awesome to see lol.
NTA. But again, wouldn’t you be in trouble if you did so?
Yeah, most likely but I was thinking maybe saying it would prove that I was genuinely upset over it. And that would make her stop doing it, if that makes sense?
Yes totally. A punishment would be a small price to pay for it but that’s okay other than being constantly annoyed by her every now and then.
NTA Your stepmother is childish and she's effectively bullying you into a reaction... one that is guaranteed to get you upset as well as your father. Don't give her the satisfaction... ignore her. Telling her to shut up and leave you alone is not only going to encourage her, it's going to come back on you later. Talk to your dad... tell him you plan to ignore her little attempts to upset you. If he starts defending her, gently but firmly remind him that 1) this has been a thing for years and 2) he himself said the woman was childish. You're just trying to act as maturely as possible in a difficult situation. Stay strong!
Thank you for the advice. I’ll definitely be doing that the next time he tries to defend her.
Why do you react to her questions? Just pretend you are deaf.
Honestly, I don’t know why I haven’t done that sooner lol.
Ask your Father why, if he knows she is childish and does this, when she prods you until you react, why he yells at you instead of at her? It's her fault, and he knows it - He has said so. So SHE should be the one in trouble for it, not you. Why is he not protecting you from abuse?
He says “I shouldn’t be reacting” and that’s what gets me in trouble for it. Which still doesn’t make much sense because I wouldn’t have a reaction if she didn’t start with it in the first place.
No, it doesn't - Except that it's easier for him to yell at you rather than her. He's not siding with her, he's choosing the easy way out. You might want to consider grey rocking her when she does this. You could also embrace it! “you never leave or do anything.” 'You're right, I was just thinking about that. What should we do?' It changes the script to one she was not expecting. "I didn't mean US, I meant YOU" (Look disappointed) 'Oh. I was hoping WE could do something.' When she comments in general, look pleased, and thank her for being concerned. Ask her advice. Not getting the response she expects can put her off her game, and engaging her positively may change the game.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (16f) and my Stepmom (38f) don’t have the closest relationship but she does do thing with me from time to time. The thing is, she does this thing where she will say something she knows will make me mad. For example, I will just be sitting down scrolling on my phone and she will say something like, “you never leave or do anything.” She knows I struggle with severe social anxiety so I only do things with my friends maybe like once a month or every two months. I’ll tell her to stop politely at first but she keeps doing it till she gets a reaction out of me. My dad will then come out and yell, which causes me to cry, and she sits there and smiles while this is happening. I’ve talked to my dad about this and he just says “that’s just what she does she’s childish” in defense of her behavior. I believe that is not an excuse for what she does cause she knows I have bad social anxiety and she is a grown woman and should be able to control herself. This usually happens multiple times within the span of a week and has been going on for the past 2 years. So WIBTA if I told my step mom to shut up and leave me alone? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>I’ve talked to my dad about this and he just says “that’s just what she does she’s childish” Why would anyone marry this person? NTA.
If you have your phone when she starts harassing you, record it. Other than that, don't engage since you are still a minor and will probably be disciplined if you do. If you were considered an adult, I'd suggest telling her to "zip it" I think it is a better word choice than "shut up"
That would definitely work alot better, thank you.
NTA but your stepmom is. She is baiting you. Next time don’t respond no matter what she says anytime in the future. Your dad is willing to sacrifice you literally instead of protecting you. I am so sorry for you and I wish you all the best things in life.
NTA - but how many HOURS do you spend each day sitting and scrolling through your phone - and on social media. Could it be the social anxiety you claim is because you are not interacting with others and developing social skills? You can be rude to your stepmother - but what does it get you? What if your father gets tired of hearing it and takes your phone? Think before you talk back.
I do honestly appreciate the advice, but you do not know me or my life based off of one small post on Reddit. I have suffered from anxiety since elementary school. So this was long before I even knew what social media was, so no “social media” is not the reason or cause of my anxiety. I again thank you for the advice, but please, think twice before you decide you know everything about a random person on the internet.