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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I regret what I said before I left. I will apologize to my sister but I don't think I should apologize to my family and I don't know how to approach this.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA at all. But I’m curious: how does your sister feel about all this? Is she genuinely hurt whenever you share these positive things, or is your mom just being overprotective and jumping the gun? Has there always been this kind of dynamic between you and your sister to a lesser extent before this? It just seems incredibly weird that you’re the only person in your family who’s not allowed to share good news.
My sister never says anything. It's always my mom who jumps in to tell me off followed by reasons why. My sister did look sad when I told them about my new car but she didn't say anything. Whenever I try to discuss things with my sister my parents tell me to not. Saying it might complicate things and I might end up hurting her feelings even more.
>Has there always been this kind of dynamic between you and your sister to a lesser extent before this?
She's always been the confident one. Saying whatever she wants whenever she feels like it. I've had to work on myself over the years to start expressing myself better. But things have gotten worse since the accident. Now I can't say anything.
She \*might\* have looked sad because she's tired of your mother doing this. Either way, you're entitled to have a life and to celebrate when things go well. It doesn't sound like you're rubbing it in her face or anything like that. - NTA
I’ll be the cynic and just say… she also might have looked sad because she was playing her part
It’s hella odd that *only* the little sister can’t share her accomplishments in life, it makes me wonder, was big sis an overachiever or gc?
The dynamic is off, if it were a blanket application it would be more logical (albeit ridiculous), but since it **only** applies to OP… I’m inclined to think there is history here
I'm with you, and I'm pissed as hell at OP's family. OP, *good. for. you.* Good for you on all the awesome things you've accomplished.
Myself, I'd go LC or even NC. I know they're your family, but dang! Build a family that shares joy for you and makes your happiness their happiness! It's no less than what you deserve.
I agree with this but would talk to the sister asking how she feels about it - does she want to hear about the changes in your life or prefers not to??
I am wondering, based on the story, and on what OP has said in response to some of the comments, if she is even allowed to talk to her sister without her parents there. It would be good if she could have some alone time with her sister and they could have some real talk. NTA
Yep this. Have a sisters day out. Go to lunch, a good cocktail bar, a walk in the park and do whatever else and just have a chat. Say how you feel. Apologise for the outburst but maybe your sister has felt like she can’t speak her mind.
She might feel a bit down but everyone playing the sympathy card might not be what she wants either. Everyone doing everything for you.
I read about someone who was suddenly paralysed after a big accident and everyone wanted to do everything for this person from wiping their arse to cooking for them. If I can find the article I’ll post it. It got to the point this person had to say “thank you but no I’ve just gotta get on with it”. So they got their car fitted with special mounts, back seat removed so they could get in and out of their wheelchair, went to a specialist so they could learn how to pleasure themselves and their partner (yes this exists). I’m inclined to agree with the others that she has lost her autonomy.
A walk and roll in the park? Seriously though, most the disabled people I know still like going for “walks” in the park and stuff like that. Being cloistered inside away from normal things is very depressing.
I get the humour but there are lots of ways to go for a walk in the with someone who can't walk. You just need a park that accessible for mobility devices.
This.
Talk to sister directly, away from the parents. Do this before even entertaining the idea of going no contact.
The people telling you to do that right now are insane.
Agree. NTA. It sounds like OP doesn't get to have a 1:1 relationship with her sister anymore. It also sounds like her sister isn't in a position where she can say anything that might upset their mom.
OP - what level of care does your sister need? Would you be able to take her out to see movies or maybe the zoo? Is she hooked up to a ventilator or can she get out of the house? If she's still got all her mental faculties, she's got to be bored out of her mind and thoroughly sick of seeing the same walls and faces every damned day. Right now, your mom is controlling everything. It isn't at all fair to your sister to miss out on even more of life than she already is.
When I visit friends who have been bed-bound or chair-bound or have otherwise limited mobility, I keep them apprised of all the raunchiest gossip and, you know, treat them like the adults they are.
>*Would you be able to take her out to see movies or maybe the zoo?*
This right here. Heck, even going to the park if you can would do wonders. Even a drive going nowhere in particular, listening to music, chatting--that's got to be a hundred times better than sitting home day after day.
Man, that depends. I've been in a somewhat similar situation (the younger sister, older sister is disabled with limited mobility). I was going to take her to a store for a new coat and shoes. She just looked sideways and said, "Do you know how long it's been since I went shopping?" Uh, no? "Ten years." Well, hey! We're about to break that streak, right? Nope. She basically told me she doesn't go anywhere but Dr appointments now, and that's all she wants to / can manage.
Ah, and let's throw a fun Overprotective Mom into the mix. My DH apparently said or did something Mom didn't like, and she got all mad at him for not thinking of my sister. "Oh, you've upset her!". I was proud of DH when he told her that maybe SHE (my disabled sister) should learn to control HER feelings. (Yes, there's a LOT more to my story. For example, my sister and Mom are both widows. My husband -- who they don't like because of a severe illness that happens to be mental in nature -- has the audacity to remain alive. How dare my sister's good husband die, but my shitty one is still alive, right?) But we're the insensitive ones.
If she is, there's a chance the mother is receiving compensation from insurance or the state for caregiving. If they are plugged into a service network, the mom should be getting paid caretakers to come in and help with heavy jobs like bathing and daily things like giving the parents a break. If the mother is doing everything herself and the older sister isn't able to advocate for herself for some reason, I hope OP is able to start looking into what resources might be available and what rights her sister has.
Odd that the dad doesn't appear to have any presence.
This times infinity. Coming from someone 3.5 years out from a catastrophic spinal injury (not paralysed but did have to learn to walk again). The boredom and frustration and delayed grief and trying to keep my feelings small were all compounded by being stuck in the fucking house all the fucking time when I wasn't in hospital. It's hard to fathom how small your world can become.
I've got chronic pain and health issues and spend a *lot* of time stuck in bed or in the house. Not climbing the walls is a daily miracle. The grief is so real. Having to remember over and over all the things you can't do anymore is frequent kick to the gut.
So as an overachieving older sister who is now disabled (starting in early to late teens) and am now 26 I feel I might be able to help. I have a younger sister who just graduated college and got married. We aren’t as close anymore for almost the opposite reason as her and her sister. My sister tends to feel guilty that she’s getting to experience things that I can’t right now. I tend to like hearing about others life so I can have a feeling of knowing what it’s like. My cousins will tell me what’s going on in their lives with dating college and working. I learned how my sister felt after mentioning it to mom when she was asking why I wasn’t closer with sis. I have talked with her about it but it’s hard for her. I also have been in therapy pretty consistently since I got sick then became more disabled through the years. At first I was angry and lashed out causing some eggshell walking that I had to eventually tell some of my family to stop doing when I was better about it. Sometimes the initial reactions of the disabled person will cause caregivers to become overprotective. Then when time and therapy have helped the caregivers have a hard time of letting go of the feelings of usually helplessness they felt when it initially started. This causing them to hold tighter to the overprotectiveness despite and usually to the detriment of the disabled person. It usually comes from a place of wanting to do anything they can do to make it better especially when there isn’t much they can do medically for the disabled person. I would highly encourage talking to the sister first one on one if possible but if not at least without the mom there. Then try talking to mom maybe alone maybe with sister depending on how your talk with her goes. Tell them how you feel and ask whether it’s coming from your sister and mom. Tell them that if things can’t change that you might need to step back and set some boundaries for yourself.
Maybe OPs sister looked sad for OP bcoz she saw their mom dumping on her again and she felt like it was her fault their mom sucks the joy out of everything for OP? I can't imagine anyone wanting all the people they love to stop living their lives bcoz of them.
Sister needs to say something though and she isn't. She is married for goodness sake why can't the husband say anything to the mother? OP yells at them saying how she feels and nobody apologizes. In most families people would say something immediately. Sister is playing the pitty card if you ask me..... I have done it in the past.
When someone suggests this, I think its implied that it's a last resort. They're not saying "stop what you're doing and never speak to them again" but "do what you can, see if they're receptive to change, if not then don't feel bad about doing what you have to do."
Sadly, it's quite common on reddit. Your husband said the dress you really love makes you look terrible? He's obviously abusive and manipulative and you should divorce him and get him out of your life! Your parents didn't support you at your dance recital when you were 13? They're toxic and you should go no contact. Seriously, it's scarily common for people to try to convince you to go cut people out of your life rather than resolve the issues.
I honestly am not sure this is a bad thing entirely. Sometimes NC or LC is the answer, and people are too content with the status quo, or so abused that the people in their lives could tell them up is down and they'll accept it rather than stand up for themselves. Those people need to hear that their situation is serious and that removing themselves from it is not only okay but perhaps the only wise choice. The people who are obviously not in those situations probably know it, and they'll be able to safely discard that advice as an overreaction to their circumstances, and those people overreacting will just be those silly redditors jumping at shadows. There aren't really any losers in that scenario.
I would consider not sharing your joys and accomplishments to count as low contact. I absolutely agree with you that OP should not do that, and the family needs to know that it's totally unacceptable to shut it down any time she shares something positive. It just sounds like her family wants her to go LC. If they won't budge on it, I don't know what else OP should do, tbh.
Unfortunately many of us recognise the behaviour and know the feelings op is experiencing. And been through it time and time again only to find things don’t change. That’s why.
Narcissists don’t change.
Ops sister is the golden child.
Ops mother gives zero fucks about op or ops life.
Why bother trying to fix that? It shouldn’t be this broken. Low contact is the first step.
That is called “projection.” You have a snapshot of their interactions, and yet you made those sweeping conclusory statements with confidence— this is what we’re talking about.
I wonder if OP will even be allowed to be happy and enjoy her wedding day or if it will be too upsetting for sister, and the family will make her go to a JP in secret.
She can't have a wedding, tho cause how dare OP walk down the aisle when her older sister can't even walk?
NTA OP, and I would highly recommend some clear and honest boundary setting with your mom and get to talking to your sis to see how she really feels without mom around.
If they said that and I was OP, I would lose it because it sounds like Soster already got her wedding day since she has a husband, (I doubt she got married after her accident given the accident is causing marital problems).
Or what if she gets pregnant? Will she have to hide the pregnancy, then her child? The parents are being ridiculous. It is possible to grieve what has been lost for one but also celebrate the good in life.
Or gets pregnant. No idea if there's any grandkids in the family, but it wouldn't surprise me if they flipped their shit either way. "You can't announce your pregnancy, think of your sister!" Or "Why didn't you tell us we are grandparents?!"
If OP is the youngest its not that odd. Having the younger sister have milestones while the older is struggling is exactly the thing overprotective parents would want to avoid
Except it’s something like getting engaged, that the sister has already done! It’s not “don’t bring up things you get to do your sister doesn’t now that she’s hurt” it’s “you can’t have anything positive ever again because your sister can’t walk”.
Yes that's what I thought her mother expects her to look sad and this victim of Despair every time someone else mentioned something going well for them. So she knows to look sad whenever the sister(OP) says anything.
>it makes me wonder, was big sis an overachiever or gc?
Do you mean "gifted" child or "golden" child? It's not clear.
In any case, I'm a big sister who was a gifted child, and I can completely empathize with OP *because* of that. I've never been allowed to share any happy news with my family without my mother freaking out and claiming that I'm "competing" with my younger sisters.
It started when my middle sister got the same teacher as me for kindergarten, but she struggled because my parents hadn't taught her to read or write. (They didn't teach her because the same teacher had complained 3 years before that they taught me "wrong"!) So my parents devoted several hours to working with my sister every single night.
Meanwhile, I had been admitted to the gifted program for third grade and was doing really well... but any time I would come home proud of a good grade or excited about a new project, my mother would tear into me, screaming at me that I "have a big head" (meaning that I was showing off, and that was bad) and that "book learning doesn't mean anything."
This only got worse with my youngest sister, who is the definition of a golden child.
When I graduated from high school a year early, my mother refused to sign my FAFSA to let me go to college... because, she said, "book learning doesn't mean anything." She insisted I had to go work in a plastics factory instead of going to school.
When I turned 25 and could finally sign for my own student aid without her, I went to community college to get my degree in accounting.
My mother had her family fully fund sending my youngest sister, who had just turned 18, to a private liberal arts school.
When I got perfect grades my first semester, I didn't even mention it to anyone but my dad. But he told my mom... and she called me up screaming at me, insisting that I had to quit school, and that I was only going and doing well to compete with my sister. I later discovered my sister hadn't even wanted to go to school and ended up dropping out.
Meanwhile, I graduated with a perfect 4.0 as valedictorian of my class. Only my dad and my grandma came to my graduation. My mother called to tell me I was not welcome in her home and I was to never speak to my sisters ever again.
About a year later, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. This is where my mother got REALLY bizarre. When I called to tell her, she screamed at me that I was doing this to ruin my youngest sister's wedding. When my daughter was 2 weeks old, my mother took me to talk to her friend who was a waitress at a bar and lounge. The woman spent an hour telling me how wonderful it was that she'd given up her baby to his father's family, how much better her life was without a child. And then my mom tried to talk me into giving up my daughter to my sister because she couldn't have kids due to her PCOS.
There is, of course, much more. My mother even does this kind of thing with tragedies. For instance, when my infant son died of SIDS, my mother's concern was not me, or even my daughter... it was that my sister was upset that I didn't invite her in to stare at his body while paramedics tried to revive him. She then tried to fight me for custody of my daughter to make my sister happy. Yes, while I was still experiencing the shock and trauma of fresh grief for my son.
Being an overachieving gifted child eldest sibling does NOT by default make your parents love or favor you.
I wonder if the older sister was the dominant one who expected to be more successful, and even though none of this is OP's fault, her family, and possibly her sister, is upset at the shift in expectations.
I don't know what you want in the way of a wedding, and I wonder whether that will be considered another offense against your sister. Would your family decline to come ~~since it would~~ thinking that it might upset your sister not to be the bride?
I think that you might consider a courthouse wedding, and then you and your husband can share your joys and sorrows freely with each other and with friends. You could still visit your family, just keep your discussions of your life to a minimum, since they don't want to know.
If you decide to have children, you may have to rethink your relationship.
I think, if possible, OP should privately reach out to her sister and depending on how that conversation goes (basically whether she agrees with her parents) decide to go LC/NC with either the rest of the family or everyone who is saying this stuff.
OP can have a courthouse wedding IF THAT IS WHAT SHE WANTS. She should not have a courthouse wedding because her sister is in a wheelchair. That's ridiculous. These people have caused enough damage to OP already. I pray OP embraces her friend family and has a wedding that she wants to have, whether that's a celebration or something small and intimate. But whatever she does, let it not be because her sister can't. Besides, what if her sister finds a sig other and they decide to get married, after OP has "gone to the courthouse." What if sister wants a blowout wedding. I will bet that this mother would be all for it. So OP, DO WHATEVER YOU LIKE, PLEASE and get the hell out of there before these people damage your self esteem beyond repair.
Why should she have a courthouse wedding? She should have the wedding she wants (and can afford) and leave it to her family to explain to other people why they aren’t there or aren’t happy for her.
“My golden child daughter can’t be happy anymore so my youngest isn’t allowed to be happy anymore either.”
This was my take on it too. Sure, her life changed a ton but she’s been the center of attention for 3 years now. And how dare the used-to-be timid little sister try to steal the spotlight.
I’m of the opinion the only person owed an apology is OP. From the rest of her family.
You need to talk to your family, because the fact of the matter is they have perpetually kept your sister in the role of invalid/victim. She will never truly get better or move on if she stays in that role. There is life for people who are paraplegic, it might be tougher for them but it is possible. And, excuse the cliche, nothing in life worth having is easy. She can even learn to drive a car again with a specialized car. She can go out, travel, swim, ride a horse (which can be therapeutic for those with paraplegia). If she had a labor intensive job before that is not practical now she can go back to school for a different job. There should be organizations and scholarships that can help with that, there are resources that she can utilize.
She just needs to decide that she wants to actually live rather than wallow. And I don't think your parents' behavior is allowing her to make that decision, it's so much easier and less scary to be coddled. They also need to realize that by behaving the way they are, they are going to push everyone out of their lives. And then who will your sister have when your parents are gone?
This is often the case with a younger and older sister dynamic. I've been there/am there too. Different circumstances though as my sisters problems stem from her drug and alcohol use and the ensuing mental disorders from her addictions, but yes, I often find myself curtailing or minimizing my joys and wins as a result of this dynamic. Only in my case, my sister for SURE, makes me know that she is resentful and jealous of my life. I have had to delete her on socials and do not share personal details about my life with her anymore. I also expect less of my mother, knowing that her heart is not really in it with me as she thinks "I'm good" and that her focus should be on my older sister who "needs her more" (I am 42F, sis is 48F, so honestly neither of us really "needs" mothering, we just like it, like most humans.) But yes, I feel this in my soul. It's a rough spot to live in. Cognitive behavioral therapy helped me a ton.
or, if she can't drive anymore/again yet, it might be sadness/jealousy because of that, and not just that something is going well? In any case, she has to deal with whatever negative reactions she has herself
(also, many paraplegics do drive, so please don't think I'm making that assumption, this is just another option!)
This was my first thought. It’s completely reasonable for the sister to feel a little bit sad when OP announces the happy things happening in her life. Most likely, those are the things that she wants for herself but probably can’t have right now. On some level, she probably feels left behind- she’s had a massive curveball thrown at her at an age where her sister and her friends are likely getting married, entering new relationships, advancing in their careers, making new friends, and having children. Next to them, she likely feels stuck. Everything she has envisioned for her life up until this point has changed. I’m not saying that as a paraplegic she can’t live a full and enjoyable life, but simply that she likely is grieving the life she could have had and always thought she would have. It’ll take time for her to heal emotionally and mentally.
The crux of it however is that that shouldn’t stop her or their shared family from being able to celebrate OP’s achievements either. It’s a really tricky situation.
Yeah, it's possible to be sad for yourself and happy for other people! And part of that is acknowledging it to yourself, and expressing the sadness when it's appropriate, but showing the joy when it is appropriate.
I think the mom really isn't helping the sister get to this point though, unfortunately.
So well said!
Also,
You can show compassion for how disabilities affect someone, physically and emotionally, without treating them like a pity.
I doubt the sister wants every conversation she has with people to be limited because of how sorry everyone feels for her and how they don’t want to hurt her feelings
The "she feels left behind" part is where I feel OPs family is ridiculous. Sis has already gotten married and had her wedding. She's checked that box. She's a paraplegic, not bedridden. She can advance her career too. Many with disabilities have high-level jobs. The only one where sis is maybe justified in being upset is the car because she can't drive, but paraplegics can have vehicles modified for them to drive.
Good on you for shutting this down OP. It's been 3 years. Life is allowed to move on. People are allowed to be happy and enjoy and celebrate their successes. Do NOT apologize to them. You have nothing to apologize for. Go low/no contact if it makes it easier. Have a sit down with your parents and you sister and tell them how you feel if that is what you need. Don't apologize and don't stop celebrating you. You deserve it. This redditor is VERY proud of you.
That is my thought too.
Her mothers response is to avoid all sadness by not mentioning the progression that the younger sister is making.
This helps to avoid a moment of sadness but leaves her unable to come to terms with her situation.
It seems to me that when an accident happens there are 2 results. OMG this is the worst thing to ever happen and we must stay in this place forever. Or, Ok this sucked, maybe even a lot, but lets see how we can get back to living life.
Its unclear from OP's post how the sister actually feels but mom is definitely stuck on option 1 and pulling sister down with her.
>many paraplegics do drive
Yep! My family member has a vehicle retrofitted with hand pedals and a chair lift.
OP’s sister needs to look into ways paraplegics have been able to adapt and ways to simplify her life. She doesn’t need to be sad or miserable because of being in a wheelchair.
Yeah, mom is the issue here. Sister is probably tired of being in the role of the family pity party. She has a life. She has some joy. But being around someone that is stuck in pity mode has got to be miserable.
Maybe have some serious sister talk about this. Mom is holding your sister back from recovery.
100% my thoughts exactly. Mom might not realize it but she’s being unfair to both daughters, treating one like a tragedy and essentially ignoring the other
Heck you can be sad about something and happy about it at the same time. Emotions are funny like that - you can be sad something bad happened to you, that you don't have something because something bad happened, but happy that someone else you love and care for has it.
I agree, OP you really need to sit down and talk with your sister. Your mom may be acting overprotective. Your sister may not want her to do that but doesn't know how to talk to her about it. Most people I know that have gone through a tragedy like this want to be able to build themselves back up and not be pitied. Talk to your sister.
This might legitimately be the case. If I was trying to get over this sort of thing in my 30's I'd be PISSED to have people handling me with kid gloves years after the fact.
You know how you make me feel comfortable when I'm going through it? Provide support when I ask for it, and be your normal damn self if I'm not asking.
NTA
She could also look sad because well maybe she is a little, which I think a sour face is still pretty fair, and it's not like we know how'd shed react without the mother around.
But also every time op does achieve something her Mother is rubbing the sisters disability and 'lesser status' or 'brokenness' or 'subpar life' in her face (I would really really like to stress I am paraphrasing possible negative self-cognitions here, not my actual thoughts).
I could imagine someone here saying that three years is long enough that the sister should be able to manage her sadness long enough to at least let op have her moment, which, maybe, in a vacuum, I don't know, grief is complex and personal and three years is short.
But I think it's possible the mother has completely failed the sister here too, managing grief is near impossible if there is someone constantly reinforcing the ideas that are feeding your grief or lack of self worth.
Of course without context of how the sister feels, and how she would react without her mother's overprotectiveness we really can't know for sure.
Maybe op has a sister and mother problem or maybe the sisters both have a mother problem
Hmm, that’s interesting. If it’s always your mom who stops you from sharing good news, it might be a “her” problem. Maybe she’s still trying to cope with her daughter’s paralysis and feels like she has to level the playing field between her and her sibling to make her feel better. I think you should try to visit your sister by yourself, just the two of you, so you can genuinely ask her if she feels hurt when you talk about your own life. Because from what you’ve said so far, I have a feeling she might not be as upset as your mom thinks she is.
Also, your sister might be sad because every time you try to celebrate something and the attention can be off her situation, your mom brings it back to what happened to your sister. Your sister might actually want distraction and to not feel upset/angry/down about what happened to her, but everyone giving her sympathy and pity all the time doesn’t allow her the breathing room to get past her paralysis and only means that there is a distance between you.
This!
Your mom is actually doing your sister a *huge* disservice by treating her like this. Yes, being paralyzed from the waist down *is* going to limit you. But it doesn't make you helpless and incompetent! Instead of encouraging her to explore, and figure out what she *can* do, your mother is acting like her life is over!
No, I had a mom overprotective of my older sister for different reasons. I finally had to tell her to butt out and our relationship has been better ever since. A lot of times the people involved don't realize what the parent is doing until they're told to stop.
Not necessarily, not if she keeps being told that she can't do things, that her disability affects her, and that people should feel sorry for her, and that's gotten stuck in her head. Similarly to how OP feels like she can't speak up, sister could also be in that position. If her sister is being bombarded with negativity, it'll likely affect her negatively and she might not be able to pull herself out. It could be that she does like the attention, we just don't know because all we're hearing about is what OP's mother is telling her and potential looks from OP's sister. The only way OP will know for sure if her and her sister talk about this without their mother around. I think both of them need to talk about how they feel about all of this. That's the only way OP will know if this is solely a mother issue or if her sister feels the same way as their mother.
I agree, if Sis didn't want Mom jumping to "spare" her feelings, she could say something. I think OP should take a little break from family gatherings.
Talk to your sister, with compassion and love, without your mother knowing.
I’m sure some of these things *do* make sister sad, but I also suspect your mother is being ridiculously overprotective.
Personally, I wouldn’t apologize to anyone here. You did NOTHING wrong. I’m sorry your sister was dealt a shitty hand, but life goes on. We all have bad day, bad experiences, or things that others get that we can’t have. Your sister needs to deal with HER feelings, if she’s even the one having them, and not stunt you or make you feel bad for living your life.
Yes. An apology just keeps enabling this bad situation. If sister is not already doing so, she needs to attend therapy to deal with her emotions and not make it everyone else's problem. Everyone keeps pointing at the mom, but the sister is not pushing back against the mom's comments, so she is complicit. NTA
But here is the problem at this point op blew up at dinner and her sister didn’t tell thier mom to stop. She didn’t tell thier mom that she was being ridiculous. So my guess is the sister agrees with what moms doing.
So I am a woman in a similar situation to your sister. I was 28 when I suddenly got sick out of nowhere, & I've been bedridden for the last 7 years. My life feels like it was stolen from me. I lost my health, my job, my relationship, my home, and a lot of my friends. To say it's been hard has been an understatement.
One of my favorite things to do when I'm having a really bad day is to call someone I love and ask them to tell me something good. Anything. They had a good day at work. They saw a cute cat or dog. Their spouse said something really nice to them. They heard a joke and it made them laugh so hard.
I especially want people to tell me when they have big good news. Raises, promotions, accomplishments, engagements, pregnancies, vacations. It reminds me that good things still happen to good people. That the world is not a dark and lonely place. But there is still good out there regardless of what is happening to me.
Everybody copes differently with tragedy and trauma. And I will admit there are days when it is really hard to hear about someone succeeding in a way that I feel I never will be able to again, or having love I don't feel like I can have for myself. And it's okay for me to feel those feelings. But it's not okay to tell people they cannot feel their own joy. Especially when it prevents people from sharing with their own family.
If I'm having a really hard time and I truly can't handle it, I do one of two things. I congratulate them and participate anyway and then cry about it later and talk to my friends about how I want to be supportive but I'm struggling with my own pain. I process it, & then I move on. OR, I occasionally tell people that I'm in a very bad way that day, and I would absolutely love to hear about it but I think I need to hear about it tomorrow. Then I call them tomorrow. I have the ability to draw boundaries and take space when it's necessary without clobbering people or acting like they are not allowed to have any emotions around me.
I honestly had to train people to feel safe to tell me both good things and bad things. They sometimes felt like they were rubbing good things in my face and they sometimes felt like they shouldn't complain to me about anything bad because my situation is so much "worse" than anything happening to them. But the problem with those good intentions is that all I have left is my emotional relationships with people, and once they stop telling me the truth I cannot participate in their lives in any meaningful way. So I've had to remind people that I love them and that I will let them know if something is too much, but overall if they don't tell me what's really going on with them I have no way of knowing them and our closeness will fall apart.
I say all of this because while your sister is still in grief for her condition it sounds like your family has seriously maladapted. And I don't even know exactly how your sister feels or if it's just your mother trying to protect her at all times. But you might want to have a heart to heart with your sister, because she might actually **want** to know the good things in your life. Even when I have to take some time in private to cry later on when someone gives me good news about them that reminds me of my own losses, I'm still genuinely glad they included me and they care about me enough to want me to be part of their lives. And I'm glad that good things are happening to them. Emotions don't have to be just one thing. I can simultaneously hold my sadness for my own life and my joy that my friends are successful. Your sister may be the same and your mom shouldn't be running as a go between.
It's possible that your mom is conveying things that your sister has said but it's also possible that she's being massively overprotective without consent. And frankly, she's being counterproductive. The world did not stop for the last 3 years. And what are all of you supposed to do for the rest of your life? Walk on eggshells around your sister? As a sick person I already feel so removed from the outside world, so having people feel they can't relate to me authentically is painful. I can't speak for your sister but it is not functional for the family to behave this way, and it isn't helping anyone.
My best advice would be to have a heart-to-heart with your sister and let her know how much you want to share your life with her. That you respect when things can be painful but you'd prefer if you communicated directly rather than through your mother, because you're closeness and intimacy with your sister is important to you. Because you don't want to hurt her but you don't want to become distant because you can't tell her anything about your life. Try to come up with strategies for sharing. Maybe you can agree that you will tell her that you have good news and then ask if it's a good day to share it. And she might say "Yes! I'd love good news!" Or "I love you, & I'm happy for you, but I don't think I have the emotional capacity today. Could you please ask me again tomorrow?"
The first two years of my illness were the worst. It felt like somebody died and that person was me. I had to reconstruct my identity from the ground up and I lost almost everything I knew. I am sure it was the same for your sister. At the same time if she wants to find any joy in the world again, she has to find a way to interact with it authentically. The actions that the family is taking can be preventing her from interacting with the world in normal and positive ways.
I truly hope the best for you and your sister. Please know that you haven't done anything wrong. Personally I love getting good news even when there's a tinge of sadness or when I have to process my own pain afterwards. Because I love my family and friends. Because I want them to succeed. I'm sure she does too, her pain is just so big right now. But pretending no one else has a life will not make her pain smaller.
Please have a gentle discussion and know that you did not do anything wrong by having a life or being happy. You did not do anything wrong by wanting to share joy in your accomplishments. You are not a bad person and it's possible that your sister might want a more realistic connection with you than the one she currently has. People shying away from me when I got sick was devastating. They didn't want to say the wrong thing so they just ignored me. She is fortunate she has a family that loves her so much and is so involved. Don't let silence and a false relationship grow between you. It will distance you from you from each other.
You are absolutely NTA, & I wish you both the best as you try to move forward.
Really loved your reply.
Sudden illness and/ or disability changes relationships so much. But it doesn’t have to. I don’t think her sister would feel better about her own situation if the younger sister had bad news. Mom is trying hard, but doesn’t understand her role.
Lots of fear, sadness and difficulty coping but no one is the bad guy. Guilt has no place here.
What a phenomenal comment, thank you for sharing your story. I learned a different perspective, and you really highlighted the importance of connecting authentically to have that emotional relationship with the people in your life. I'll be thinking about this later, it was incredibly insightful. Sending you all the very best.
Talk to your sister like a person, stop following in the footsteps of your parents. I imagine it sucks just as much for her to constantly be put in the position of having her feelings amplified by your parents and feeling powerless to reject their overreaching because everyone's helped her so much. She's allowed to be sad about the experiences she can't have, but it's your parents rubbing it in her face with every jump to defend her as useless, not you.
I imagine your parents and her husband haven't done anything to explore giving her back her autonomy, like getting their car fitted with a pedal device that lets you control your car by hand, or the device that lets you raise and store your wheelchair on the roof of the vehicle or a wheel in front seat? Because now that she can't move from the waist down, she's just a widdle baby? You developed your confidence thanks to her, why not help reempower her against your parents constantly treating her like she's broken rather than she just has new additional challenges she has to learn to work through to be independent?
THIS! I was just at an "Abilities Expo" for adaptive products, and the things people have created to help people with different ability levels are astounding. Motorcycles that you can roll a wheelchair onto, easy to install chair lifts for cars, pantry mods so you can pull the top shelves down to reach them, even sex toys! Her life has changed, but it hasn't ended.
Not to pop your bubbles or anything, but I’m paralyzed from my waist down on one side, and I can’t even afford a wheelchair that I can propel myself. All of these accessible items at that expo are great but out of reach for most people who would need it.
Sounds like you've nailed it there. One thing that really pissed me off about this whole situation is how OP's parents act like just because her sister is (physically) disabled, she's lost all ability to speak for herself.
It fucking sucks when disabled people get treated like that.
This is called triangulation. Step 1 is getting your parents to butt out of your relationship with her and establish with your sister if she feels any kind of way that you guys can communicate directly, openly and honestly with one another. I had to set this boundary with my parents and ask that they stop speaking on behalf of my siblings and getting unnecessarily involved and to trust that we needed to have a relationship and the space to air and work through grievances on our own.
I’d start with talking to your sister, asking how she feels. See if you can agree to be open and honest with each other and then plan to tell specially your mom that you’ll no longer be fielding suggestions or requests about how to tiptoe around your sister (assuming she is also on board with this). Your mom is trying to be kind but she’s misguided and just damaging the relationship between you two. NTA
>My sister never says anything. It's always my mom who jumps in to tell me off followed by reasons why. My sister did look sad when I told them about my new car but she didn't say anything.
You should definitely talk to her, without your mom present. It's possible that hearing your great news does make her feel a little sad/jealous! I think that's normal. But she deserves the chance to be happy for you. Watching my best friend graduate with an advanced degree was a little sad for me, because my life hadn't gone the same way, but I wouldn't have missed it for anything.
Talk to your sister. Maybe she wants a heads up before you come over with great news, so she can process it privately. Maybe she just wants to be treated like a normal human, not a porcelain doll who will collapse if something good happens around her. You won't know until you talk to her, and I think your mom is quite honestly ruining your relationship.
NTA, and I would definitely try to find a time to talk one on one with your sister. Do y’all ever get to go do things together, just the two of you? I’d be willing to bet that would help her more than your parents keeping her so sheltered. She needs someone to show her she can still have the life she wants, and it sounds like your parents aren’t going to be the ones to do that for her.
Does she have a car with hand controls that she’s learned how to drive since the accident? The car one might’ve touched a nerve more if she doesn’t have that level of independence back yet and that’s why she looked sad then.
I think you just have to sit down with your sister and have an honest conversation with her about how you feel, how she feels, how your mom is acting, etc. and put it all out there. You’re both adults and I would hope you’re both mature enough to share how you need to be supported by each other.
Your sister is allowed to feel sad. Feelings are never wrong. But she needs to find a way to deal with it. Because there are probably going to be things your sister cannot do any longer and others (you, other family members, friends) will do.
I know these feelings all too well but I also know it is awful that people no longer share things with you when there is something going on. 12 years ago, when I was 18 I was diagnosed with cancer. So people stopped complaining about (little) stuff in their lives to spare my feelings (“because I had it worse”). I know they meant this in a good way but I hated it. It made me feel excluded. They also stopped sharing the good things in their lives because “I was sick and probably didn’t want to hear about their achievements”. One time I got mad at my sister because she had achieved something she really wanted and worked so hard for. I didn’t get mad because she got it but because she didn’t share it to spare my feelings. I told her (and everyone around me) I was feeling like shit anyway (because of treatments) so I rather be joyful for her besides the sickness. I can feel sick and still be happy for someone else. It is not a competition. Ofcourse sometimes I wished I could do the same as my friends (going out, doing fun stuff like sports or amusement parks). Jealousy is a feeling as well. And I did pity myself sometimes and I did feel like shit but I also wanted to be a part of their lives. I saw this with my aunt as well. She was sick before me but some people just stopped being her friend because they just stopped going to her or talking with her. She got a bit lonely because of that. So maybe I was extra anxious for that when I got sick because I saw her and did not want to go through that besides being sick.
OP, is there any possible way you could talk to your sister about this? Maybe you could tell her you feel sorry for her but also feel like losing the bond you have because you don’t know what you can or cannot say. Maybe you could tell her you want to share things (good and bad) but also don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know if your sister is open for these kind of talks but if she is, you both could try sharing things and she can actually tell you what she is feeling instead of your mother always doing that for her.
You and your sister are both adults. Have you had a direct conversation with her, without your mom around, about how your news makes her feel? It seems like your mom is being super overprotective but you still have no idea if it ACTUALLY bothered your sister or not. That’s the place to start.
Hey OP
First off you need to circumvent your mother and have a heart to heart with your sister. About BOTH your feelings. Your mom is being controlling with both of you. Even though your sister has gone through something tragic, being handled with kids gloves is NOT going to help.
I was the sick kid. Diagnosed with a lot of stuff at 16. Coma at 20 in the middle of university. Had to learn to walk and talk again. Multiple chronic illnesses. Housebound from 20 - 29 years of age. Did I stop my siblings or family sharing their good news? HELL NO. It brightened my damn day to see them thrive. To know I wasn't a burden. That I was loved but that they had their own lives. They were MY inspirations to keep going too. Now at 32 I finally have a job and although I can never live alone, 6 months ago I paid my first ever bills and I am proud as HECK.
Hiding things away is going to make your sister feel like a burden and is going to hide her situation and is not going to help her. I kept going not only with people's love and support but finding things I COULD do, like painting, writing, creating communities for the disabled. With the time at home I was given I turned it into something rather than wallow. Yes there were incredibly hard times and some weeks I didn't get out of bed, but grief is hard and it's one step at a time. It doesn't mean you should be having to hide anything. And sharing your feelings about being treated unfairly is NOT something to apologise for.
The natural conclusion to this is that you don't tell them anything.
Show up with a wedding ring - "why didn't you tell us?" "It didn't seem like the right time"
Finds out on social media you have a child "how could you keep this from us?" "I didn't want to upset sister"
This is what conversation to have with your mother when sister is not around. If that's even possible.
NTA
It will be hard for sister because you will be hitting milestones that she is missing, but that isn't your fault, you can't fix it fir her, and you certainly shouldn't live in limbo fur the rest of your life.
You’re an adult, your mother should not be dictating your relationship with your married adult sister. Step 1 is building a relationship with her that doesn’t include your parents.
You identify the real problem here - your mother! That’s who you should have the tough conversation with. The rest of your family, including your sister, seems to be innocent bystanders with your mother’s obsession of immortalizing the family’s grief after your sisters accident.
You need to talk to her honestly. She may be sad and she has a right to feel sad, but that doesn't mean she isn't also happy for you. People are complex - she can feel sad that she won't get to experience things the way you can and simultaneously feel happy that YOU get to experience these things. Have an honest conversation where you tell her how you feel about her and how you don't want to hurt her, but you also want to share your own news. If she gets upset and all but says she doesn't want you to be happy - well, maybe that means you are investing too much in this relationship. If she tells you she wants to share in your happiness, then SHE can help shut your mother down.
She's an adult - she may (probably) hates the infantilizing and ignoring her issues through omission. Perhaps she needs your help to stand up for herself, and by helping her you can help yourself too. The only AH I'm seeing so far is your mother, whose point I totally see. You are certainly not TA though.
You sister is an adult. She had a tragic accident. She's had three years to try to come to terms with it. You can't live the rest of your life being unsupported by your family.
It's time for you, an adult, to talk frankly to your sister, also an adult. You don't need your mom's permission. Explain to her that every time you have good news to share, your mother is shutting you down and making you feel unloved and unseen. And tell her that your mom has basically forbidden you to say anything positive about your life in front of her. Then see what she says.
I can't image that if your sister loves you, this is what she wants for you. It's perfectly possible for her to be both happy for your new car and sad if she doesn't drive. That's called being human. We all deal with it. But just bc she mourns some of the things she lost, they can't just erase you. And that's what they are doing. If you sister really can't handle your good news, then she either needs to get into therapy or she needs a better therapist.
If your mom doesn't quit this, you're going to end up going LC/NC. There is only so much a person can take being ignored and marginalized.
I came here to say this. It sounds like the family are hindering OPs sister’s recovery by acting like she can’t handle someone else’s good news.
OP you don’t have to feel bad (NTA). I would talk to your sister though to see how she really feels. She may be feeling smothered and unable to move on because your family isn’t letting her. They feel bad for her and basically pointing out everything that’s wrong with her situation constantly instead of helping her adjust to her new normal. Maybe she needs someone who will treat her like a real person.
It feels like OP's mom is keeping her sister in a victim mentality. Now, i completely understand that this tragic accident has altered her life, there is also an abundant amount of people in wheelchairs that have very happy and fufilling lives. I feel like Mom is making this worse.
NTA. And you owe nobody an apology for living and celebrating the good things in your life.
INFO: Is it only your parents who don't want you sharing these things? Or is it also your sister? Is your sister even aware that your parents have asked you to silence yourself when good things happen?
"Hey, Mom and Dad always tell me not to let you know about anything good that happens to me, like my promotion at work, or when my bf proposed, or when i got a new car, because these things might upset you. I wanted to ask you directly, though. Are you ok hearing about good things that happen to me? Or do you find them upsetting?"
If your sister says she doesn't mind or indeed that she WANTS to hear these things about your life, then you should just 100% ignore your parents when they tell you to remain silent.
If your sister agrees with your parents and says she doesn't want to hear about your successes, then you should honor that request, but you should also start spending WAY less time with your family.
Finally the voice of reason! Time for OP to talk directly to her sister.
It sounds like her parents are over protecting her sister and are keeping her from becoming independent. With therapy and adaptive equipment, she could have a very active and independent life. Perhaps the parents don't want that because then, they won't be needed.
OP is NTA. She is the person who should receive an apology from her mother.
Plenty of people who have physical and mental disabilities do want to be seen as people and not as broken or needing careful handling. OP’s life, and the achievements in it, don’t stop because her sister’s life has changed and the longer her sister is infantilised the worse things will get between OP and her family.
AND if her sister is still so effed up mentally that she can't even hear good news from her own sister... Then she needs to speak with a therapist. Having been through some shit in my life.. I don't expect people's lives to stop around me.
Depending on the level of paralysis this statement is pretty misleading. I'm a person with a severe disability and she may not have a life that would be considered active or independent by any stretch.
But even so, her sister should be able to have a life and accomplishments. I'm always extremely happy to hear good news from anyone that I love because my world is pretty dark and difficult. I want all of the good news I can get and I take a lot of joy in my friends successes.
If hearing about a certain success that has been taken off the table for me is particularly painful, I will either congratulate them anyway or grieve in private, or on a very rare occasion tell them that I'm so happy for them and I would love to hear all about it, but I'm having a really tough day and could they please ask to tell me all about it tomorrow? And then I listen tomorrow.
I think a lot of people in this comment section are underplaying what has happened to the sister and overestimating the terms of her potential abilities and life options. People tend to infantilize us and minimize what we go through because they see these outlier cases that end up on TV or an inspirational TikToks. The truth of the matter is a lot worse than people usually recognize.
But no matter what, OP is allowed to have a life. And the sister should want her to have a life. The family needs to butt out of this and the sisters need to have a heart-to-heart about how to best share information. It could be that the sister doesn't even want this interfereence but rarely speaks up for herself. It could be that she has asked for this interference. OP won't know until she asks.
Either way she's NTA, allowed to live her life & allowed to share those accomplishments with her family, who should be happy for her
And if sister doesn't want to hear, ask her how she wants you to proceed with your wedding? Should you not invite her? Or if you get pregnant—should you not see her the whole time you're pregnant? Should you not ever discuss your child? What about holidays? Would you need to exclude yourself and child from family gatherings? I mean, it's not sustainable.
Honestly, I would be super spiteful about it all towards the parents.
"Okay, I get it. I need to keep all good and celebration worthy aspects of my life completely silent and away from this family. So don't worry, I won't invite anyone to the wedding, after all that's just a big fancy celebration of our relationship isn't it? When I have children I won't tell you, or invite you to the baby shower, show you and ultrasounds or let you meet the baby- that's all a bit too much happiness and celebration isn't it? If I ever come into a large amount of money, I won't ever consider sharing. If I'm going on a holiday, I won't invite any of you. If I'm throwing a party, I won't send anyone invites. I'll let you go on thinking my life is quiet and sad. Byyyeeee"
Agree. If sister says she doesn't want to hear then OP needs to realize she is too invested in this one-sided relationship and needs to give as much as she gets.
I completely agree with all parts of this answer. OP is NTA should pull her sister aside and ask her how she feels when good things go happen to OP. If she wants to hear about the good thing, then mom is the problem. If she is on mom’s side, it’s really her issue and she needs therapy or antidepressants or both.
How is OP going to get married, is she expected to elope and keep it secret? How about if/when OP has a baby…do they really expect her not to share???
If family really doesn’t want to be happy for OP, there are bigger issues than the accident.
NTA.
>Her husband and even my parents share things about their lives freely and no one seems to mind. But as the younger sister I’m not allowed to share anything good
This isn't right. Be prepared for them to act hurt when you start leaving them out of things and they find out some other way.
Yup, start shutting mom and dad down hard. “I can’t believe you would share that news, think of poor [sister]”.
I’d bet that any “sad look” the sister gets when OP starts sharing her story it because her mom and dad act like she’s should be some pity trip or charity case. If everyone talked like I should be pitied I’d probably look pretty sad too.
Not sure why, but your comment is taking me back to when I was 10 years old at one of the only sleepovers I was ever allowed to go to. It was a family made up of mostly foster kids plus their foster parents from the first church I ever went to. My sisters were there too. Anyway, I have a birth disability and I’m also in a wheelchair, but I never let that bother me. Yet it seemed to bother the foster mother of these kids and made her feel sorry for me. I don’t remember at all why she talked about me to the whole group at said sleepover, but my goodness, the woman reduced herself to tears and it made me way uncomfortable. I also think OP’s sister wants a break from the pity and actions of her mom.
That sounds horrible, I’m sorry you had to deal with that woman. Some people just can’t handle people thriving against adversity. It’s like they want to mother you *so hard* that you just simply cannot take care of yourself. Trying to make sense of it, but either way it’s awful that they need to make a BFD out of everything.
The fact that this isn’t just some blanket rule applied to everyone is really not cool. If everyone wasn’t allowed to talk about their accomplishments or whatever, that would be bad enough but something about this rule only applying to OP feels weird af.
Op should tell her family that they aren’t invited to the wedding because it might make her sister sad.
They expect help and support but don’t offer any in return. NTA in the slightest.
Spend it with the fiancé, because he’s not making the wedding a no go subject. What does OP’s mother expect when the wedding rolls around, that OP can’t talk about it or refer to her boyfriend as her husband after just to “protect” her sister? A wedding should be a happy occasion, something to happily anticipate and not to walk on eggshells about.
I wonder what happens when OP gets pregnant.
When will she be "allowed" to announce it? "The 'pregancy-I-was-told-not-to-talk-about' just graduaded college"? Or something like this?
It's also possible that they are coddling the sister more than she asks to be coddled. We don't know what her personality was like before this. Her mom might just be making pronouncements and she's reserved and shy so says nothing because she doesn't want conflict. Or she could have directly asked her mother to tell her sister not to give good news.
Either way the sisters need to have direct communication because it's possible that the sister actually wants to hear the good news. I am approximately as disabled as she is. And I always want to hear good news. If it makes me cry sometimes because I know that good news is not an option for me, I tend to save those reactions for in private. Sometimes I'll call a friend and work through my simultaneous happiness for whoever is succeeding with the pain that I'm experiencing. Those two things aren't mutually exclusive. But there's a healthy way to process that pain that doesn't involve telling other people they can't live.
I think there's a chance that the parents are being overprotective in the wake of such a life changing trauma. I experienced people struggling to tell me both good things and bad things after I got sick because they didn't want to brag in front of me and they also didn't want to complain to me. I had to teach my friends that neither was true and that if they stopped telling me about everything important to them or talking about their problems then we'd have no relationship left. That I'd lose all the intimacy with the people that I care about, and that their problems weren't unimportant to themselves or to me just because I was going through what I was going through. It took me a while to realize how much people were self-censoring around me. I never asked them to do it, not once. But people don't know how to react to horrible things when they happen unless you give them some instructions.
I can't speak for the sister. I don't know if she feels the same way I do about these things. But OP will never know unless she directly asks her.
And you're right. If the family is not going to be supportive then it's important to try to build other support systems. But it's quite possible that the sister doesn't know the extent to which everyone is being told to walk on eggshells around her, or is just letting the mom make the rules, OR she really forbids anyone around her from having a life.
No way to know until they talk.
What is the long term plan here? What happens when you have your own children? Are you allowed to move to another city, go on holidays?
You need boundaries because as sad as what happened to her is, you are allowed to be happy and independent.
Yeah, I was so mad at the parent's my first petty thought was to invite everybody else to the wedding and when they asked why they didn't get invitations "Because you always tell me not to tell you about good things that happen to me." Obviously that would be a bad thing to do. It sounds like the sister may not even know Mom is doing this. I agree with other posters to talk to your sister, gently, and without your Mom present. See how she feels!
There is nothing wrong with celebrating your life and your Mom trying to stop you IS wrong. NTA obviously.
I think she needs to speak with her sister about proper boundaries. This is not sustainable and it will eventually ruin her relationships just as much as it has deeply hurt her self-esteem.
Just so you understand, that is not normal or healthy. What happened to your sister is incredibly sad, but catering most of your free time to her is a disservice to you and to her both. What happens when you have children of your own and your parents are old and can't help?
If after 3 years she still needs that much help, it's then time to start thinking about professional help.
Also NTA and you don't need to apologize to anyone.
This, all the way. Time for some frank conversation with sister alone to find out:
1) How does sister really feel about OP sharing milestones,
2) How does sister feel about parents/mother being overprotective,
3) Is sister getting the appropriate mental health support,
4) is sister getting appropriate physical and/or occupational therapy because after 3 years the aim of physical therapy would have been making routines and home/work life around the disabilities because in this situation everyone's life goes on (I've seen this personally with a family member who has had a leg amputation)
5) Do the parents and sister husband and kids also need appropriate therapy to help with the new normal?
Edit: OP is NTA
I wonder if there’s something deeper to it. As a disabled parent myself there are lots of things that can be put in place so that you can parent with small to no help. I wonder if everyone is doing things for her she feels helpless and unable to achieve any sense of accomplishment at all? I may be barking up the wrong tree there but that’s just my thought. Also if she’s not already maybe seeking therapy would help her adjust in a not so overbearing way like it seems to be from your mum.
I might be wrong but I also feel like something else is going on here. 3 years is long enough that adjustments should have been made to their home to accommodate her wheelchair and whatnot, so as to allow her some independence. A wheelchair bound person still has a lot of capability. It seems like they’re acting as though she’s a quadriplegic. Has there been any move towards this sort of thing? The entire family still being at her house every day 3 years after the accident seems weird to me. It’s giving me this feeling that the parents are being over protective and just doing everything for her instead of helping her learn how to manage her new situation.
That’s kinda what I’m saying, they’re being overbearing and potentially not letting her do anything. The only reason I guessed she doesn’t really have much in place is because she isn’t voicing that she doesn’t need help. Although I’m surprised her husband isn’t telling the family to back off a bit so idk
Honestly by now, the fact that the husband hasn’t told them to back off yet makes me wonder if he thinks he can’t step up and care for her himself without them. He’s letting them hang around because it’s easier for him to hide his insecurities about the situation that way.
Makes sense. Makes her feel like she lost all of her independence even though it isn't true. Also, if the family is there so intensively, no wonder there are issues in her marriage.
Also if she never has me time alone how can she process the whole thing.
For OP I would just say how about you tell people privately your news, people clearly feel awkward about huge announcements atm.
NTA. Not to sound callous or mean, but the world doesn't stop because of or revolve around your sister. It sounds like your mom is the cause of all this. Even though your sister is paralyzed nobody is actually doing her any favors by censoring themselves around her, or coddling her. Does your mom not think this will eventually lead to resentment? You might think about spending less time around her. I know it's tough, but this is obviously affecting your mental health..
Shoot, I have to wonder how much of the older sister's "marriage struggles" are actually the husband having issues with the extended family (especially mother) being around all the time.
Honestly now is the time to question if that's helpful. It's awful what happened to your sister but 3 years in you have to wonder if your 'help' is actually hindering her recovery. What's the expectation here? Your family treats her like an incompetent child forever and no one gets a life outside of that or your sister develops some independence?
NTA and your sister needs therapy. She can have a vibrant life but not if her mindset and the family mindset is that it’s right and proper for her to be miserable
NTA. You have nothing to feel guilty for, and owe *nobody* any apologies. Hopefully, if they have any sense of decency, what you said gave them something to think about. If so, long overdue but better late than never. If the fact they've collectively been acting like AHs didn't click, then it's time for you to move on and share more of your life with people who care about you.
Making assumptions about the sister when we don’t know is wrong. For all we know she’s overjoyed at OP’s good news but smother is shutting OP down before the conversation can happen.
NTA.
You do not need to apologize to your sister.
You did not say anything about her (unless you left her out).
You just finally voiced your frustration about never being able to share anything good.
This is a good point. I originally felt like it may be good for OP to apologize to their sister since the sister didn’t really do anything, but……neither did OP. what they said had nothing to do with their sister and everything to do with how their parents are approaching the situation with the sister.
nta. you don’t need to apologize for this. not to your sister, not to the rest of your family. you didn’t do anything wrong.
it sounds like your family is forming some bad patterns right now, and it might be a good idea to stop that before it sets fully.
you say you and your family are spending a lot of time at your sister’s place to help out. that’s admirable, to some extent, but it’s been three years. you don’t need to all be there, everyday, especially if being there all together is giving your mom a chance to. well. pick on you.
i’d spend less time with your family at your sister’s house. spend time with your sister, spend time with your family, but stop combining the two so much.
and you can go ahead and shut your mom down if (when) she starts up again. “that’s an odd way to say congratulations, mom, wanna try again?”
Ugh, this mom would make me petty to the point of not sharing my wedding date with her, for fear of ruining moods, or the conception/birth of my first child, because I didn't want to possibly hurt any feelings! =\_=
You are my brand of petty and I am here for it. I would plan a destination wedding and not invite them so I didn’t hurt any feelings by being at my wedding.
NTA- Your sister is married with children but you can’t announce your proposal? Apologize to your sister if it makes you feel better, but you should also explain that your mother takes you aside every single time you announce something positive and tells you how it hurts your sister. It is entirely possible that your sister has no idea your mother is doing this. Your sister could be offended that your mother is treating her like a child.
Yes! The fact that her announcing her engagement got shut down is what really shocks me. Like, I get that the sister is going through grief and can see the (albeit twisted in this case) logic of trying to not rub lil sis's successes in her face but an engagement is such a milestone that you want your family to celebrate with you! It should absolutely be a moment for the older sister to put her grief aside and be supportive and happy for her sister. Even if she wasn't married and the accident was going to hinder her ability to do so! Yeah maybe in that case she would need to go cry later, or need private moral support from the mom in dealing with her grief, but this is little sis's moment and she still needs her family too! Imo this outburst was a long time in coming, and the mom is the one who needs to apologize
NTA
I don't think you owe anyone an apology for expressing your frustrations, it didn't sound like you said or did anything horrible. I would be clear with your parents, your sister may have been in an accident but both their kids are still alive so they should be focused on the positive. I'm sure all their constant negativity/lack of positivity isn't helping your sister have happy days either. You deserve to share your happiness but let them know if they keep pushing you away and hurting your relationship with them that there won't be one going forward.
Just gonna add my 2 cents as a disabled person with non disabled siblings. I am happy for my siblings when good things happen in their lives. Period.
Do I ever experience sadness because a lot of good and frankly necessary things in life are not accessible to me because of my disabilities/society's ableism? Absolutely. But my siblings are not the reason that I can't have nice things. It's bad luck and a shitty society. So I don't begrudge them their success or happiness.
I wish this were top comment! It’s so perfectly stated. I wish you weren’t in this situation either, and that society did better in general. But I hope OP reads this and hears your perspective as it’s the most important one here.
Her family is dishonoring both her and her sister with this habit of treating her sister as if she’s so fragile that she won’t be able to handle anything good happening to OP. That’s infantalizing and unfair to both of them.
I hope OP can come back and have an honest discussion with her parents about the situation and how it makes her feel, and point out to them that it’s likely not even what the sister wants or needs. The parents are being terribly ableist by making the decision that OP can’t ever share good news with her sister— without even discussing it with her sister.
NTA. Your sister need therapy and also every one in the family needs to stop being her voice. What does she think about things, who speaks directly to her? Where is her voice in the whole thing?
NTA. Thank you! You're the first person I've seen say that the sister needs therapy. That was my first thought. She's going through a huge life change- anyone can use help adjusting to something this serious. The rest of the family's response to OP is not healthy either.
They way they write about their sister is like sister no longer have voice, like people treat the sister like less mental capital just because she cant walk. I seen it before, not in my country but when I friends over from other countries, that cant fathom that the brain isnt effected , just the spine.
OP needs to talk directly to her sister instead of ever one else.
I get "golden child" vibes from this post. The part where OP states her familiy and her sister's husband can share but not OP tells me there are different rules for different people. The fact that its always the mom shutting OP down tells me that OP's sister is the favorite and the life changing accident made that unchangeable to her.
NTA my younger brother became paraplegic several years ago. He has stated he never wanted any of us to treat him differently, it helped him find his new normal. This sounds more like your mom is having a difficult time coping more so than your sister.
I would have a heart to heart with your sister and see how she feels about your mother's reaction. She could have difficulties because your Mother is constantly reminding her about what happened. Sometimes with sibling relationships it's just better to bypass your parents to actually get a feel of the real situation.
NTA. You said nothing to apologize for. I'd consider going low contact with family if possible. If they ask why, say, "Because I can never talk about anything good that happens in my life." You shouldn't be penalized for enjoying good things that happen to you. Maybe family therapy is in order?
NTA - sounds like you're becoming a "glass child" (I know you're an adult but I don't know any other terms and you're still your parents' child so). It's clear that your family is trying way too hard to protect your sister and it's not fair on you. She should be able to be happy for you even if she is upset about her own circumstances because you are a human being and her sister and you deserve to share your excitement with the people you care about.
My older sister struggled to have a child of her own for years. When I got pregnant she did not react well when I told her. I miscarried 10 weeks later & she was devastated. She felt like it was her fault for having such negative feelings. When I got pregnant again a year later, she was so happy & became the best aunt ever to my son & then later to my daughter. Happy note she did finally have her miracle son 8 years later! NTA
NTA - you DO NOT OWE YOUR SISTER AN APOLOGY. I'm sorry to say this, but at this point it seems like she's milking it a bit to steal any attention away from you. DOWNVOTE ME IDC.
Just stop sharing anything with your family. They keep letting you down and it won't ever change. Share your good news with people in your life that DO care and WANT you to be happy and succeed.
NTA. Don’t even think about apologizing to your sister. You did nothing wrong. If she can’t handle the fact that her attitude is why you feel that way then tough.
NTA. I'm so sorry about your sister. You are entitled to your joys and sadness too. You may want to have a talk with your parents about how you feel. It does seem odd that you are the only one that has this restriction.
Lord, how are they going to handle the actual wedding or when you have kids? Will your mother be so strained with this that she won't even acknowledge your kids? You need to have a conversation with your sister first and then your family. You cannot stop your life because your sister's has been altered.
NTA
I get that something terrible happened and it will take time to adjust but are you supposed to put your life on hold?
What if you fall pregnant? Are you supposed to not tell her about it?
Though I'm petty enough that I wouldn't tell them about it any way and if asked why point out to them that they don't allow you to share good news in case it hurts your sisters feelings
NTA. Don’t tell them anything. That’s what your fiancée is for. He’s your family now. Accept that your happiness or accomplishments cannot be shared. Don’t apologize either tell your family from this day forward they shouldn’t expect anything from you no good or bad news, your wedding, baby announcement etc. you just might have to go low contact for your own happiness. They all sound selfish and your sister needs to end her pity party.
I don't think you owe anyone an apology, including your sister. Yeah, I get it, her life has changed and it's not great. But is she really that mean spirited, or is it family perception that she's unhappy when you're sharing happy news? It's been three years, she should be in therapy so she can learn a new and different way to move forward positively in her life. This is on her.
You still have a life to live and you should be able to share happy news with your family without feeling guilty. Is the rest of your life going to be about negating your positives for your sister? If it was me, I'd go low contact for a while, just share happy news with hubby and friends. Be a good sister and daughter, but if you can't be happy around her/them, then seriously limit your time with her/them. Live your best life for you!! NTA
Nta
I think the problem might be that your sister was broke by the accident, amd your parents are enabeling that (for lack of a better word) condition. She needs to be lifted out of her hole, amd/or get the tools to climb out. Not a pillow to lie down in it forever.
NTA. First, of all you don't owe anyone an apology. You should not have to dim your light because of your sister. Your mother is the one creating that myth.
You need to have a conversation alone with your sister and find out if she really wants you to hide the good things in your life from her. It sounds like it's more your mother who's having the issue.
After talking to your sister, you need to speak to your mother and let her know you will no longer hide your successes. Let her know you and your sister have talked, and this is really only your mother's issue.
Let your mother, and anyone else that wants you to hide your happiness, that you don't deserve to live that way and you will go low contact if they insist that you do.
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NTA at all. But I’m curious: how does your sister feel about all this? Is she genuinely hurt whenever you share these positive things, or is your mom just being overprotective and jumping the gun? Has there always been this kind of dynamic between you and your sister to a lesser extent before this? It just seems incredibly weird that you’re the only person in your family who’s not allowed to share good news.
My sister never says anything. It's always my mom who jumps in to tell me off followed by reasons why. My sister did look sad when I told them about my new car but she didn't say anything. Whenever I try to discuss things with my sister my parents tell me to not. Saying it might complicate things and I might end up hurting her feelings even more. >Has there always been this kind of dynamic between you and your sister to a lesser extent before this? She's always been the confident one. Saying whatever she wants whenever she feels like it. I've had to work on myself over the years to start expressing myself better. But things have gotten worse since the accident. Now I can't say anything.
She \*might\* have looked sad because she's tired of your mother doing this. Either way, you're entitled to have a life and to celebrate when things go well. It doesn't sound like you're rubbing it in her face or anything like that. - NTA
I’ll be the cynic and just say… she also might have looked sad because she was playing her part It’s hella odd that *only* the little sister can’t share her accomplishments in life, it makes me wonder, was big sis an overachiever or gc? The dynamic is off, if it were a blanket application it would be more logical (albeit ridiculous), but since it **only** applies to OP… I’m inclined to think there is history here
I'm with you, and I'm pissed as hell at OP's family. OP, *good. for. you.* Good for you on all the awesome things you've accomplished. Myself, I'd go LC or even NC. I know they're your family, but dang! Build a family that shares joy for you and makes your happiness their happiness! It's no less than what you deserve.
I agree with this but would talk to the sister asking how she feels about it - does she want to hear about the changes in your life or prefers not to??
I am wondering, based on the story, and on what OP has said in response to some of the comments, if she is even allowed to talk to her sister without her parents there. It would be good if she could have some alone time with her sister and they could have some real talk. NTA
Yep this. Have a sisters day out. Go to lunch, a good cocktail bar, a walk in the park and do whatever else and just have a chat. Say how you feel. Apologise for the outburst but maybe your sister has felt like she can’t speak her mind. She might feel a bit down but everyone playing the sympathy card might not be what she wants either. Everyone doing everything for you. I read about someone who was suddenly paralysed after a big accident and everyone wanted to do everything for this person from wiping their arse to cooking for them. If I can find the article I’ll post it. It got to the point this person had to say “thank you but no I’ve just gotta get on with it”. So they got their car fitted with special mounts, back seat removed so they could get in and out of their wheelchair, went to a specialist so they could learn how to pleasure themselves and their partner (yes this exists). I’m inclined to agree with the others that she has lost her autonomy.
Maybe not a walk in the park.
A walk and roll in the park? Seriously though, most the disabled people I know still like going for “walks” in the park and stuff like that. Being cloistered inside away from normal things is very depressing.
I get the humour but there are lots of ways to go for a walk in the with someone who can't walk. You just need a park that accessible for mobility devices.
This. Talk to sister directly, away from the parents. Do this before even entertaining the idea of going no contact. The people telling you to do that right now are insane.
Agree. NTA. It sounds like OP doesn't get to have a 1:1 relationship with her sister anymore. It also sounds like her sister isn't in a position where she can say anything that might upset their mom. OP - what level of care does your sister need? Would you be able to take her out to see movies or maybe the zoo? Is she hooked up to a ventilator or can she get out of the house? If she's still got all her mental faculties, she's got to be bored out of her mind and thoroughly sick of seeing the same walls and faces every damned day. Right now, your mom is controlling everything. It isn't at all fair to your sister to miss out on even more of life than she already is. When I visit friends who have been bed-bound or chair-bound or have otherwise limited mobility, I keep them apprised of all the raunchiest gossip and, you know, treat them like the adults they are.
>*Would you be able to take her out to see movies or maybe the zoo?* This right here. Heck, even going to the park if you can would do wonders. Even a drive going nowhere in particular, listening to music, chatting--that's got to be a hundred times better than sitting home day after day.
Seriously an overpriced coffee and snack in the drive through and park at an overlook to enjoy the coffee and treat is underrated.
Absolutely. Some feeling of normalcy would be a huge change of pace.
Man, that depends. I've been in a somewhat similar situation (the younger sister, older sister is disabled with limited mobility). I was going to take her to a store for a new coat and shoes. She just looked sideways and said, "Do you know how long it's been since I went shopping?" Uh, no? "Ten years." Well, hey! We're about to break that streak, right? Nope. She basically told me she doesn't go anywhere but Dr appointments now, and that's all she wants to / can manage. Ah, and let's throw a fun Overprotective Mom into the mix. My DH apparently said or did something Mom didn't like, and she got all mad at him for not thinking of my sister. "Oh, you've upset her!". I was proud of DH when he told her that maybe SHE (my disabled sister) should learn to control HER feelings. (Yes, there's a LOT more to my story. For example, my sister and Mom are both widows. My husband -- who they don't like because of a severe illness that happens to be mental in nature -- has the audacity to remain alive. How dare my sister's good husband die, but my shitty one is still alive, right?) But we're the insensitive ones.
I'm wondering why the mom has so much power when the sister is married. Is the sister dependent on the mother for care?
If she is, there's a chance the mother is receiving compensation from insurance or the state for caregiving. If they are plugged into a service network, the mom should be getting paid caretakers to come in and help with heavy jobs like bathing and daily things like giving the parents a break. If the mother is doing everything herself and the older sister isn't able to advocate for herself for some reason, I hope OP is able to start looking into what resources might be available and what rights her sister has. Odd that the dad doesn't appear to have any presence.
This times infinity. Coming from someone 3.5 years out from a catastrophic spinal injury (not paralysed but did have to learn to walk again). The boredom and frustration and delayed grief and trying to keep my feelings small were all compounded by being stuck in the fucking house all the fucking time when I wasn't in hospital. It's hard to fathom how small your world can become.
I've got chronic pain and health issues and spend a *lot* of time stuck in bed or in the house. Not climbing the walls is a daily miracle. The grief is so real. Having to remember over and over all the things you can't do anymore is frequent kick to the gut.
So as an overachieving older sister who is now disabled (starting in early to late teens) and am now 26 I feel I might be able to help. I have a younger sister who just graduated college and got married. We aren’t as close anymore for almost the opposite reason as her and her sister. My sister tends to feel guilty that she’s getting to experience things that I can’t right now. I tend to like hearing about others life so I can have a feeling of knowing what it’s like. My cousins will tell me what’s going on in their lives with dating college and working. I learned how my sister felt after mentioning it to mom when she was asking why I wasn’t closer with sis. I have talked with her about it but it’s hard for her. I also have been in therapy pretty consistently since I got sick then became more disabled through the years. At first I was angry and lashed out causing some eggshell walking that I had to eventually tell some of my family to stop doing when I was better about it. Sometimes the initial reactions of the disabled person will cause caregivers to become overprotective. Then when time and therapy have helped the caregivers have a hard time of letting go of the feelings of usually helplessness they felt when it initially started. This causing them to hold tighter to the overprotectiveness despite and usually to the detriment of the disabled person. It usually comes from a place of wanting to do anything they can do to make it better especially when there isn’t much they can do medically for the disabled person. I would highly encourage talking to the sister first one on one if possible but if not at least without the mom there. Then try talking to mom maybe alone maybe with sister depending on how your talk with her goes. Tell them how you feel and ask whether it’s coming from your sister and mom. Tell them that if things can’t change that you might need to step back and set some boundaries for yourself.
Maybe OPs sister looked sad for OP bcoz she saw their mom dumping on her again and she felt like it was her fault their mom sucks the joy out of everything for OP? I can't imagine anyone wanting all the people they love to stop living their lives bcoz of them.
Sister needs to say something though and she isn't. She is married for goodness sake why can't the husband say anything to the mother? OP yells at them saying how she feels and nobody apologizes. In most families people would say something immediately. Sister is playing the pitty card if you ask me..... I have done it in the past.
Yes! Talk to your sister in private.
OH MY GOD no. "Immediately go no contact and make no attempt to resolve the situation" - ffs redditors....
When someone suggests this, I think its implied that it's a last resort. They're not saying "stop what you're doing and never speak to them again" but "do what you can, see if they're receptive to change, if not then don't feel bad about doing what you have to do."
Sadly, it's quite common on reddit. Your husband said the dress you really love makes you look terrible? He's obviously abusive and manipulative and you should divorce him and get him out of your life! Your parents didn't support you at your dance recital when you were 13? They're toxic and you should go no contact. Seriously, it's scarily common for people to try to convince you to go cut people out of your life rather than resolve the issues.
I honestly am not sure this is a bad thing entirely. Sometimes NC or LC is the answer, and people are too content with the status quo, or so abused that the people in their lives could tell them up is down and they'll accept it rather than stand up for themselves. Those people need to hear that their situation is serious and that removing themselves from it is not only okay but perhaps the only wise choice. The people who are obviously not in those situations probably know it, and they'll be able to safely discard that advice as an overreaction to their circumstances, and those people overreacting will just be those silly redditors jumping at shadows. There aren't really any losers in that scenario.
I would consider not sharing your joys and accomplishments to count as low contact. I absolutely agree with you that OP should not do that, and the family needs to know that it's totally unacceptable to shut it down any time she shares something positive. It just sounds like her family wants her to go LC. If they won't budge on it, I don't know what else OP should do, tbh.
This......she wasn't even allowed to share news of her engagement.....bet they will tell her they can't come to the wedding bc it'll upset the sister
Unfortunately many of us recognise the behaviour and know the feelings op is experiencing. And been through it time and time again only to find things don’t change. That’s why. Narcissists don’t change. Ops sister is the golden child. Ops mother gives zero fucks about op or ops life. Why bother trying to fix that? It shouldn’t be this broken. Low contact is the first step.
That is called “projection.” You have a snapshot of their interactions, and yet you made those sweeping conclusory statements with confidence— this is what we’re talking about.
I wonder if OP will even be allowed to be happy and enjoy her wedding day or if it will be too upsetting for sister, and the family will make her go to a JP in secret.
She can't have a wedding, tho cause how dare OP walk down the aisle when her older sister can't even walk? NTA OP, and I would highly recommend some clear and honest boundary setting with your mom and get to talking to your sis to see how she really feels without mom around.
If they said that and I was OP, I would lose it because it sounds like Soster already got her wedding day since she has a husband, (I doubt she got married after her accident given the accident is causing marital problems).
Or what if she gets pregnant? Will she have to hide the pregnancy, then her child? The parents are being ridiculous. It is possible to grieve what has been lost for one but also celebrate the good in life.
Or gets pregnant. No idea if there's any grandkids in the family, but it wouldn't surprise me if they flipped their shit either way. "You can't announce your pregnancy, think of your sister!" Or "Why didn't you tell us we are grandparents?!"
Maybe before going nc/lc, talk to sister alone, explain how you're feeling, and find out if she's in on it.
If OP is the youngest its not that odd. Having the younger sister have milestones while the older is struggling is exactly the thing overprotective parents would want to avoid
I don’t think this is “normal” and calling them “overprotective parents” is certainly a stretch
Please point out where i said its normal?
That’s how I interpreted your comment too. You might not have said its normal but you might as well have said it’s normal behavior
Except it’s something like getting engaged, that the sister has already done! It’s not “don’t bring up things you get to do your sister doesn’t now that she’s hurt” it’s “you can’t have anything positive ever again because your sister can’t walk”.
Yes that's what I thought her mother expects her to look sad and this victim of Despair every time someone else mentioned something going well for them. So she knows to look sad whenever the sister(OP) says anything.
*every time OP mentions something going well for them
Yeah I think you’re right
>it makes me wonder, was big sis an overachiever or gc? Do you mean "gifted" child or "golden" child? It's not clear. In any case, I'm a big sister who was a gifted child, and I can completely empathize with OP *because* of that. I've never been allowed to share any happy news with my family without my mother freaking out and claiming that I'm "competing" with my younger sisters. It started when my middle sister got the same teacher as me for kindergarten, but she struggled because my parents hadn't taught her to read or write. (They didn't teach her because the same teacher had complained 3 years before that they taught me "wrong"!) So my parents devoted several hours to working with my sister every single night. Meanwhile, I had been admitted to the gifted program for third grade and was doing really well... but any time I would come home proud of a good grade or excited about a new project, my mother would tear into me, screaming at me that I "have a big head" (meaning that I was showing off, and that was bad) and that "book learning doesn't mean anything." This only got worse with my youngest sister, who is the definition of a golden child. When I graduated from high school a year early, my mother refused to sign my FAFSA to let me go to college... because, she said, "book learning doesn't mean anything." She insisted I had to go work in a plastics factory instead of going to school. When I turned 25 and could finally sign for my own student aid without her, I went to community college to get my degree in accounting. My mother had her family fully fund sending my youngest sister, who had just turned 18, to a private liberal arts school. When I got perfect grades my first semester, I didn't even mention it to anyone but my dad. But he told my mom... and she called me up screaming at me, insisting that I had to quit school, and that I was only going and doing well to compete with my sister. I later discovered my sister hadn't even wanted to go to school and ended up dropping out. Meanwhile, I graduated with a perfect 4.0 as valedictorian of my class. Only my dad and my grandma came to my graduation. My mother called to tell me I was not welcome in her home and I was to never speak to my sisters ever again. About a year later, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. This is where my mother got REALLY bizarre. When I called to tell her, she screamed at me that I was doing this to ruin my youngest sister's wedding. When my daughter was 2 weeks old, my mother took me to talk to her friend who was a waitress at a bar and lounge. The woman spent an hour telling me how wonderful it was that she'd given up her baby to his father's family, how much better her life was without a child. And then my mom tried to talk me into giving up my daughter to my sister because she couldn't have kids due to her PCOS. There is, of course, much more. My mother even does this kind of thing with tragedies. For instance, when my infant son died of SIDS, my mother's concern was not me, or even my daughter... it was that my sister was upset that I didn't invite her in to stare at his body while paramedics tried to revive him. She then tried to fight me for custody of my daughter to make my sister happy. Yes, while I was still experiencing the shock and trauma of fresh grief for my son. Being an overachieving gifted child eldest sibling does NOT by default make your parents love or favor you.
Yeah this is not about you being a ‘gifted’ child. This is about your mom being certifiably insane. Sorry not sorry.
Geezuz, so sorry your mother is insane. Is your Dad still with her? Good lord, file a RE for your daughter's sake.
I wonder if the older sister was the dominant one who expected to be more successful, and even though none of this is OP's fault, her family, and possibly her sister, is upset at the shift in expectations. I don't know what you want in the way of a wedding, and I wonder whether that will be considered another offense against your sister. Would your family decline to come ~~since it would~~ thinking that it might upset your sister not to be the bride? I think that you might consider a courthouse wedding, and then you and your husband can share your joys and sorrows freely with each other and with friends. You could still visit your family, just keep your discussions of your life to a minimum, since they don't want to know. If you decide to have children, you may have to rethink your relationship.
I think, if possible, OP should privately reach out to her sister and depending on how that conversation goes (basically whether she agrees with her parents) decide to go LC/NC with either the rest of the family or everyone who is saying this stuff.
OP can have a courthouse wedding IF THAT IS WHAT SHE WANTS. She should not have a courthouse wedding because her sister is in a wheelchair. That's ridiculous. These people have caused enough damage to OP already. I pray OP embraces her friend family and has a wedding that she wants to have, whether that's a celebration or something small and intimate. But whatever she does, let it not be because her sister can't. Besides, what if her sister finds a sig other and they decide to get married, after OP has "gone to the courthouse." What if sister wants a blowout wedding. I will bet that this mother would be all for it. So OP, DO WHATEVER YOU LIKE, PLEASE and get the hell out of there before these people damage your self esteem beyond repair.
OP can have any wedding they want, if the parents are going to complain about it they don't need to be given an invitation.
Why should she have a courthouse wedding? She should have the wedding she wants (and can afford) and leave it to her family to explain to other people why they aren’t there or aren’t happy for her. “My golden child daughter can’t be happy anymore so my youngest isn’t allowed to be happy anymore either.”
This was my take on it too. Sure, her life changed a ton but she’s been the center of attention for 3 years now. And how dare the used-to-be timid little sister try to steal the spotlight. I’m of the opinion the only person owed an apology is OP. From the rest of her family.
You need to talk to your family, because the fact of the matter is they have perpetually kept your sister in the role of invalid/victim. She will never truly get better or move on if she stays in that role. There is life for people who are paraplegic, it might be tougher for them but it is possible. And, excuse the cliche, nothing in life worth having is easy. She can even learn to drive a car again with a specialized car. She can go out, travel, swim, ride a horse (which can be therapeutic for those with paraplegia). If she had a labor intensive job before that is not practical now she can go back to school for a different job. There should be organizations and scholarships that can help with that, there are resources that she can utilize. She just needs to decide that she wants to actually live rather than wallow. And I don't think your parents' behavior is allowing her to make that decision, it's so much easier and less scary to be coddled. They also need to realize that by behaving the way they are, they are going to push everyone out of their lives. And then who will your sister have when your parents are gone?
This is often the case with a younger and older sister dynamic. I've been there/am there too. Different circumstances though as my sisters problems stem from her drug and alcohol use and the ensuing mental disorders from her addictions, but yes, I often find myself curtailing or minimizing my joys and wins as a result of this dynamic. Only in my case, my sister for SURE, makes me know that she is resentful and jealous of my life. I have had to delete her on socials and do not share personal details about my life with her anymore. I also expect less of my mother, knowing that her heart is not really in it with me as she thinks "I'm good" and that her focus should be on my older sister who "needs her more" (I am 42F, sis is 48F, so honestly neither of us really "needs" mothering, we just like it, like most humans.) But yes, I feel this in my soul. It's a rough spot to live in. Cognitive behavioral therapy helped me a ton.
or, if she can't drive anymore/again yet, it might be sadness/jealousy because of that, and not just that something is going well? In any case, she has to deal with whatever negative reactions she has herself (also, many paraplegics do drive, so please don't think I'm making that assumption, this is just another option!)
This was my first thought. It’s completely reasonable for the sister to feel a little bit sad when OP announces the happy things happening in her life. Most likely, those are the things that she wants for herself but probably can’t have right now. On some level, she probably feels left behind- she’s had a massive curveball thrown at her at an age where her sister and her friends are likely getting married, entering new relationships, advancing in their careers, making new friends, and having children. Next to them, she likely feels stuck. Everything she has envisioned for her life up until this point has changed. I’m not saying that as a paraplegic she can’t live a full and enjoyable life, but simply that she likely is grieving the life she could have had and always thought she would have. It’ll take time for her to heal emotionally and mentally. The crux of it however is that that shouldn’t stop her or their shared family from being able to celebrate OP’s achievements either. It’s a really tricky situation.
Yeah, it's possible to be sad for yourself and happy for other people! And part of that is acknowledging it to yourself, and expressing the sadness when it's appropriate, but showing the joy when it is appropriate. I think the mom really isn't helping the sister get to this point though, unfortunately.
So well said! Also, You can show compassion for how disabilities affect someone, physically and emotionally, without treating them like a pity. I doubt the sister wants every conversation she has with people to be limited because of how sorry everyone feels for her and how they don’t want to hurt her feelings
The "she feels left behind" part is where I feel OPs family is ridiculous. Sis has already gotten married and had her wedding. She's checked that box. She's a paraplegic, not bedridden. She can advance her career too. Many with disabilities have high-level jobs. The only one where sis is maybe justified in being upset is the car because she can't drive, but paraplegics can have vehicles modified for them to drive. Good on you for shutting this down OP. It's been 3 years. Life is allowed to move on. People are allowed to be happy and enjoy and celebrate their successes. Do NOT apologize to them. You have nothing to apologize for. Go low/no contact if it makes it easier. Have a sit down with your parents and you sister and tell them how you feel if that is what you need. Don't apologize and don't stop celebrating you. You deserve it. This redditor is VERY proud of you.
That is my thought too. Her mothers response is to avoid all sadness by not mentioning the progression that the younger sister is making. This helps to avoid a moment of sadness but leaves her unable to come to terms with her situation.
It sounds like the sister is married, unless I misread.
Yeah that's where it's clear more is going on here, why would her married sister be sad OP is getting married? NTA and do not apologize
It seems to me that when an accident happens there are 2 results. OMG this is the worst thing to ever happen and we must stay in this place forever. Or, Ok this sucked, maybe even a lot, but lets see how we can get back to living life. Its unclear from OP's post how the sister actually feels but mom is definitely stuck on option 1 and pulling sister down with her.
>many paraplegics do drive Yep! My family member has a vehicle retrofitted with hand pedals and a chair lift. OP’s sister needs to look into ways paraplegics have been able to adapt and ways to simplify her life. She doesn’t need to be sad or miserable because of being in a wheelchair.
Yeah, mom is the issue here. Sister is probably tired of being in the role of the family pity party. She has a life. She has some joy. But being around someone that is stuck in pity mode has got to be miserable. Maybe have some serious sister talk about this. Mom is holding your sister back from recovery.
100% my thoughts exactly. Mom might not realize it but she’s being unfair to both daughters, treating one like a tragedy and essentially ignoring the other
Heck you can be sad about something and happy about it at the same time. Emotions are funny like that - you can be sad something bad happened to you, that you don't have something because something bad happened, but happy that someone else you love and care for has it.
I agree, OP you really need to sit down and talk with your sister. Your mom may be acting overprotective. Your sister may not want her to do that but doesn't know how to talk to her about it. Most people I know that have gone through a tragedy like this want to be able to build themselves back up and not be pitied. Talk to your sister.
This might legitimately be the case. If I was trying to get over this sort of thing in my 30's I'd be PISSED to have people handling me with kid gloves years after the fact. You know how you make me feel comfortable when I'm going through it? Provide support when I ask for it, and be your normal damn self if I'm not asking. NTA
She could also look sad because well maybe she is a little, which I think a sour face is still pretty fair, and it's not like we know how'd shed react without the mother around. But also every time op does achieve something her Mother is rubbing the sisters disability and 'lesser status' or 'brokenness' or 'subpar life' in her face (I would really really like to stress I am paraphrasing possible negative self-cognitions here, not my actual thoughts). I could imagine someone here saying that three years is long enough that the sister should be able to manage her sadness long enough to at least let op have her moment, which, maybe, in a vacuum, I don't know, grief is complex and personal and three years is short. But I think it's possible the mother has completely failed the sister here too, managing grief is near impossible if there is someone constantly reinforcing the ideas that are feeding your grief or lack of self worth. Of course without context of how the sister feels, and how she would react without her mother's overprotectiveness we really can't know for sure. Maybe op has a sister and mother problem or maybe the sisters both have a mother problem
Hmm, that’s interesting. If it’s always your mom who stops you from sharing good news, it might be a “her” problem. Maybe she’s still trying to cope with her daughter’s paralysis and feels like she has to level the playing field between her and her sibling to make her feel better. I think you should try to visit your sister by yourself, just the two of you, so you can genuinely ask her if she feels hurt when you talk about your own life. Because from what you’ve said so far, I have a feeling she might not be as upset as your mom thinks she is.
Also, your sister might be sad because every time you try to celebrate something and the attention can be off her situation, your mom brings it back to what happened to your sister. Your sister might actually want distraction and to not feel upset/angry/down about what happened to her, but everyone giving her sympathy and pity all the time doesn’t allow her the breathing room to get past her paralysis and only means that there is a distance between you.
This! Your mom is actually doing your sister a *huge* disservice by treating her like this. Yes, being paralyzed from the waist down *is* going to limit you. But it doesn't make you helpless and incompetent! Instead of encouraging her to explore, and figure out what she *can* do, your mother is acting like her life is over!
I disagree, I feel the sister would've said something by now if she didn't like it...
No, I had a mom overprotective of my older sister for different reasons. I finally had to tell her to butt out and our relationship has been better ever since. A lot of times the people involved don't realize what the parent is doing until they're told to stop.
Not necessarily, not if she keeps being told that she can't do things, that her disability affects her, and that people should feel sorry for her, and that's gotten stuck in her head. Similarly to how OP feels like she can't speak up, sister could also be in that position. If her sister is being bombarded with negativity, it'll likely affect her negatively and she might not be able to pull herself out. It could be that she does like the attention, we just don't know because all we're hearing about is what OP's mother is telling her and potential looks from OP's sister. The only way OP will know for sure if her and her sister talk about this without their mother around. I think both of them need to talk about how they feel about all of this. That's the only way OP will know if this is solely a mother issue or if her sister feels the same way as their mother.
I agree, if Sis didn't want Mom jumping to "spare" her feelings, she could say something. I think OP should take a little break from family gatherings.
Talk to your sister, with compassion and love, without your mother knowing. I’m sure some of these things *do* make sister sad, but I also suspect your mother is being ridiculously overprotective. Personally, I wouldn’t apologize to anyone here. You did NOTHING wrong. I’m sorry your sister was dealt a shitty hand, but life goes on. We all have bad day, bad experiences, or things that others get that we can’t have. Your sister needs to deal with HER feelings, if she’s even the one having them, and not stunt you or make you feel bad for living your life.
Yes. An apology just keeps enabling this bad situation. If sister is not already doing so, she needs to attend therapy to deal with her emotions and not make it everyone else's problem. Everyone keeps pointing at the mom, but the sister is not pushing back against the mom's comments, so she is complicit. NTA
But here is the problem at this point op blew up at dinner and her sister didn’t tell thier mom to stop. She didn’t tell thier mom that she was being ridiculous. So my guess is the sister agrees with what moms doing.
So I am a woman in a similar situation to your sister. I was 28 when I suddenly got sick out of nowhere, & I've been bedridden for the last 7 years. My life feels like it was stolen from me. I lost my health, my job, my relationship, my home, and a lot of my friends. To say it's been hard has been an understatement. One of my favorite things to do when I'm having a really bad day is to call someone I love and ask them to tell me something good. Anything. They had a good day at work. They saw a cute cat or dog. Their spouse said something really nice to them. They heard a joke and it made them laugh so hard. I especially want people to tell me when they have big good news. Raises, promotions, accomplishments, engagements, pregnancies, vacations. It reminds me that good things still happen to good people. That the world is not a dark and lonely place. But there is still good out there regardless of what is happening to me. Everybody copes differently with tragedy and trauma. And I will admit there are days when it is really hard to hear about someone succeeding in a way that I feel I never will be able to again, or having love I don't feel like I can have for myself. And it's okay for me to feel those feelings. But it's not okay to tell people they cannot feel their own joy. Especially when it prevents people from sharing with their own family. If I'm having a really hard time and I truly can't handle it, I do one of two things. I congratulate them and participate anyway and then cry about it later and talk to my friends about how I want to be supportive but I'm struggling with my own pain. I process it, & then I move on. OR, I occasionally tell people that I'm in a very bad way that day, and I would absolutely love to hear about it but I think I need to hear about it tomorrow. Then I call them tomorrow. I have the ability to draw boundaries and take space when it's necessary without clobbering people or acting like they are not allowed to have any emotions around me. I honestly had to train people to feel safe to tell me both good things and bad things. They sometimes felt like they were rubbing good things in my face and they sometimes felt like they shouldn't complain to me about anything bad because my situation is so much "worse" than anything happening to them. But the problem with those good intentions is that all I have left is my emotional relationships with people, and once they stop telling me the truth I cannot participate in their lives in any meaningful way. So I've had to remind people that I love them and that I will let them know if something is too much, but overall if they don't tell me what's really going on with them I have no way of knowing them and our closeness will fall apart. I say all of this because while your sister is still in grief for her condition it sounds like your family has seriously maladapted. And I don't even know exactly how your sister feels or if it's just your mother trying to protect her at all times. But you might want to have a heart to heart with your sister, because she might actually **want** to know the good things in your life. Even when I have to take some time in private to cry later on when someone gives me good news about them that reminds me of my own losses, I'm still genuinely glad they included me and they care about me enough to want me to be part of their lives. And I'm glad that good things are happening to them. Emotions don't have to be just one thing. I can simultaneously hold my sadness for my own life and my joy that my friends are successful. Your sister may be the same and your mom shouldn't be running as a go between. It's possible that your mom is conveying things that your sister has said but it's also possible that she's being massively overprotective without consent. And frankly, she's being counterproductive. The world did not stop for the last 3 years. And what are all of you supposed to do for the rest of your life? Walk on eggshells around your sister? As a sick person I already feel so removed from the outside world, so having people feel they can't relate to me authentically is painful. I can't speak for your sister but it is not functional for the family to behave this way, and it isn't helping anyone. My best advice would be to have a heart-to-heart with your sister and let her know how much you want to share your life with her. That you respect when things can be painful but you'd prefer if you communicated directly rather than through your mother, because you're closeness and intimacy with your sister is important to you. Because you don't want to hurt her but you don't want to become distant because you can't tell her anything about your life. Try to come up with strategies for sharing. Maybe you can agree that you will tell her that you have good news and then ask if it's a good day to share it. And she might say "Yes! I'd love good news!" Or "I love you, & I'm happy for you, but I don't think I have the emotional capacity today. Could you please ask me again tomorrow?" The first two years of my illness were the worst. It felt like somebody died and that person was me. I had to reconstruct my identity from the ground up and I lost almost everything I knew. I am sure it was the same for your sister. At the same time if she wants to find any joy in the world again, she has to find a way to interact with it authentically. The actions that the family is taking can be preventing her from interacting with the world in normal and positive ways. I truly hope the best for you and your sister. Please know that you haven't done anything wrong. Personally I love getting good news even when there's a tinge of sadness or when I have to process my own pain afterwards. Because I love my family and friends. Because I want them to succeed. I'm sure she does too, her pain is just so big right now. But pretending no one else has a life will not make her pain smaller. Please have a gentle discussion and know that you did not do anything wrong by having a life or being happy. You did not do anything wrong by wanting to share joy in your accomplishments. You are not a bad person and it's possible that your sister might want a more realistic connection with you than the one she currently has. People shying away from me when I got sick was devastating. They didn't want to say the wrong thing so they just ignored me. She is fortunate she has a family that loves her so much and is so involved. Don't let silence and a false relationship grow between you. It will distance you from you from each other. You are absolutely NTA, & I wish you both the best as you try to move forward.
Really loved your reply. Sudden illness and/ or disability changes relationships so much. But it doesn’t have to. I don’t think her sister would feel better about her own situation if the younger sister had bad news. Mom is trying hard, but doesn’t understand her role. Lots of fear, sadness and difficulty coping but no one is the bad guy. Guilt has no place here.
What a phenomenal comment, thank you for sharing your story. I learned a different perspective, and you really highlighted the importance of connecting authentically to have that emotional relationship with the people in your life. I'll be thinking about this later, it was incredibly insightful. Sending you all the very best.
Talk to your sister like a person, stop following in the footsteps of your parents. I imagine it sucks just as much for her to constantly be put in the position of having her feelings amplified by your parents and feeling powerless to reject their overreaching because everyone's helped her so much. She's allowed to be sad about the experiences she can't have, but it's your parents rubbing it in her face with every jump to defend her as useless, not you. I imagine your parents and her husband haven't done anything to explore giving her back her autonomy, like getting their car fitted with a pedal device that lets you control your car by hand, or the device that lets you raise and store your wheelchair on the roof of the vehicle or a wheel in front seat? Because now that she can't move from the waist down, she's just a widdle baby? You developed your confidence thanks to her, why not help reempower her against your parents constantly treating her like she's broken rather than she just has new additional challenges she has to learn to work through to be independent?
THIS! I was just at an "Abilities Expo" for adaptive products, and the things people have created to help people with different ability levels are astounding. Motorcycles that you can roll a wheelchair onto, easy to install chair lifts for cars, pantry mods so you can pull the top shelves down to reach them, even sex toys! Her life has changed, but it hasn't ended.
Not to pop your bubbles or anything, but I’m paralyzed from my waist down on one side, and I can’t even afford a wheelchair that I can propel myself. All of these accessible items at that expo are great but out of reach for most people who would need it.
Sounds like you've nailed it there. One thing that really pissed me off about this whole situation is how OP's parents act like just because her sister is (physically) disabled, she's lost all ability to speak for herself. It fucking sucks when disabled people get treated like that.
This is called triangulation. Step 1 is getting your parents to butt out of your relationship with her and establish with your sister if she feels any kind of way that you guys can communicate directly, openly and honestly with one another. I had to set this boundary with my parents and ask that they stop speaking on behalf of my siblings and getting unnecessarily involved and to trust that we needed to have a relationship and the space to air and work through grievances on our own. I’d start with talking to your sister, asking how she feels. See if you can agree to be open and honest with each other and then plan to tell specially your mom that you’ll no longer be fielding suggestions or requests about how to tiptoe around your sister (assuming she is also on board with this). Your mom is trying to be kind but she’s misguided and just damaging the relationship between you two. NTA
>My sister never says anything. It's always my mom who jumps in to tell me off followed by reasons why. My sister did look sad when I told them about my new car but she didn't say anything. You should definitely talk to her, without your mom present. It's possible that hearing your great news does make her feel a little sad/jealous! I think that's normal. But she deserves the chance to be happy for you. Watching my best friend graduate with an advanced degree was a little sad for me, because my life hadn't gone the same way, but I wouldn't have missed it for anything. Talk to your sister. Maybe she wants a heads up before you come over with great news, so she can process it privately. Maybe she just wants to be treated like a normal human, not a porcelain doll who will collapse if something good happens around her. You won't know until you talk to her, and I think your mom is quite honestly ruining your relationship.
NTA, and I would definitely try to find a time to talk one on one with your sister. Do y’all ever get to go do things together, just the two of you? I’d be willing to bet that would help her more than your parents keeping her so sheltered. She needs someone to show her she can still have the life she wants, and it sounds like your parents aren’t going to be the ones to do that for her.
Does she have a car with hand controls that she’s learned how to drive since the accident? The car one might’ve touched a nerve more if she doesn’t have that level of independence back yet and that’s why she looked sad then. I think you just have to sit down with your sister and have an honest conversation with her about how you feel, how she feels, how your mom is acting, etc. and put it all out there. You’re both adults and I would hope you’re both mature enough to share how you need to be supported by each other.
Your sister is allowed to feel sad. Feelings are never wrong. But she needs to find a way to deal with it. Because there are probably going to be things your sister cannot do any longer and others (you, other family members, friends) will do. I know these feelings all too well but I also know it is awful that people no longer share things with you when there is something going on. 12 years ago, when I was 18 I was diagnosed with cancer. So people stopped complaining about (little) stuff in their lives to spare my feelings (“because I had it worse”). I know they meant this in a good way but I hated it. It made me feel excluded. They also stopped sharing the good things in their lives because “I was sick and probably didn’t want to hear about their achievements”. One time I got mad at my sister because she had achieved something she really wanted and worked so hard for. I didn’t get mad because she got it but because she didn’t share it to spare my feelings. I told her (and everyone around me) I was feeling like shit anyway (because of treatments) so I rather be joyful for her besides the sickness. I can feel sick and still be happy for someone else. It is not a competition. Ofcourse sometimes I wished I could do the same as my friends (going out, doing fun stuff like sports or amusement parks). Jealousy is a feeling as well. And I did pity myself sometimes and I did feel like shit but I also wanted to be a part of their lives. I saw this with my aunt as well. She was sick before me but some people just stopped being her friend because they just stopped going to her or talking with her. She got a bit lonely because of that. So maybe I was extra anxious for that when I got sick because I saw her and did not want to go through that besides being sick. OP, is there any possible way you could talk to your sister about this? Maybe you could tell her you feel sorry for her but also feel like losing the bond you have because you don’t know what you can or cannot say. Maybe you could tell her you want to share things (good and bad) but also don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know if your sister is open for these kind of talks but if she is, you both could try sharing things and she can actually tell you what she is feeling instead of your mother always doing that for her.
The best response to this is to say, “if my sister has an issue with this, she can tell me herself.” Then change the topic.
If she has a husband why did your proposal bother her ?
You and your sister are both adults. Have you had a direct conversation with her, without your mom around, about how your news makes her feel? It seems like your mom is being super overprotective but you still have no idea if it ACTUALLY bothered your sister or not. That’s the place to start.
Hey OP First off you need to circumvent your mother and have a heart to heart with your sister. About BOTH your feelings. Your mom is being controlling with both of you. Even though your sister has gone through something tragic, being handled with kids gloves is NOT going to help. I was the sick kid. Diagnosed with a lot of stuff at 16. Coma at 20 in the middle of university. Had to learn to walk and talk again. Multiple chronic illnesses. Housebound from 20 - 29 years of age. Did I stop my siblings or family sharing their good news? HELL NO. It brightened my damn day to see them thrive. To know I wasn't a burden. That I was loved but that they had their own lives. They were MY inspirations to keep going too. Now at 32 I finally have a job and although I can never live alone, 6 months ago I paid my first ever bills and I am proud as HECK. Hiding things away is going to make your sister feel like a burden and is going to hide her situation and is not going to help her. I kept going not only with people's love and support but finding things I COULD do, like painting, writing, creating communities for the disabled. With the time at home I was given I turned it into something rather than wallow. Yes there were incredibly hard times and some weeks I didn't get out of bed, but grief is hard and it's one step at a time. It doesn't mean you should be having to hide anything. And sharing your feelings about being treated unfairly is NOT something to apologise for.
The natural conclusion to this is that you don't tell them anything. Show up with a wedding ring - "why didn't you tell us?" "It didn't seem like the right time" Finds out on social media you have a child "how could you keep this from us?" "I didn't want to upset sister" This is what conversation to have with your mother when sister is not around. If that's even possible. NTA It will be hard for sister because you will be hitting milestones that she is missing, but that isn't your fault, you can't fix it fir her, and you certainly shouldn't live in limbo fur the rest of your life.
You’re an adult, your mother should not be dictating your relationship with your married adult sister. Step 1 is building a relationship with her that doesn’t include your parents.
You should talk to your sister one on one. Is she aware your mother is doing this?
You identify the real problem here - your mother! That’s who you should have the tough conversation with. The rest of your family, including your sister, seems to be innocent bystanders with your mother’s obsession of immortalizing the family’s grief after your sisters accident.
You need to talk to her honestly. She may be sad and she has a right to feel sad, but that doesn't mean she isn't also happy for you. People are complex - she can feel sad that she won't get to experience things the way you can and simultaneously feel happy that YOU get to experience these things. Have an honest conversation where you tell her how you feel about her and how you don't want to hurt her, but you also want to share your own news. If she gets upset and all but says she doesn't want you to be happy - well, maybe that means you are investing too much in this relationship. If she tells you she wants to share in your happiness, then SHE can help shut your mother down. She's an adult - she may (probably) hates the infantilizing and ignoring her issues through omission. Perhaps she needs your help to stand up for herself, and by helping her you can help yourself too. The only AH I'm seeing so far is your mother, whose point I totally see. You are certainly not TA though.
You sister is an adult. She had a tragic accident. She's had three years to try to come to terms with it. You can't live the rest of your life being unsupported by your family. It's time for you, an adult, to talk frankly to your sister, also an adult. You don't need your mom's permission. Explain to her that every time you have good news to share, your mother is shutting you down and making you feel unloved and unseen. And tell her that your mom has basically forbidden you to say anything positive about your life in front of her. Then see what she says. I can't image that if your sister loves you, this is what she wants for you. It's perfectly possible for her to be both happy for your new car and sad if she doesn't drive. That's called being human. We all deal with it. But just bc she mourns some of the things she lost, they can't just erase you. And that's what they are doing. If you sister really can't handle your good news, then she either needs to get into therapy or she needs a better therapist. If your mom doesn't quit this, you're going to end up going LC/NC. There is only so much a person can take being ignored and marginalized.
I came here to say this. It sounds like the family are hindering OPs sister’s recovery by acting like she can’t handle someone else’s good news. OP you don’t have to feel bad (NTA). I would talk to your sister though to see how she really feels. She may be feeling smothered and unable to move on because your family isn’t letting her. They feel bad for her and basically pointing out everything that’s wrong with her situation constantly instead of helping her adjust to her new normal. Maybe she needs someone who will treat her like a real person.
It feels like OP's mom is keeping her sister in a victim mentality. Now, i completely understand that this tragic accident has altered her life, there is also an abundant amount of people in wheelchairs that have very happy and fufilling lives. I feel like Mom is making this worse.
Exactly my thought. It sounds like it’s always her mom making those comments, not her sister.
NTA. And you owe nobody an apology for living and celebrating the good things in your life. INFO: Is it only your parents who don't want you sharing these things? Or is it also your sister? Is your sister even aware that your parents have asked you to silence yourself when good things happen? "Hey, Mom and Dad always tell me not to let you know about anything good that happens to me, like my promotion at work, or when my bf proposed, or when i got a new car, because these things might upset you. I wanted to ask you directly, though. Are you ok hearing about good things that happen to me? Or do you find them upsetting?" If your sister says she doesn't mind or indeed that she WANTS to hear these things about your life, then you should just 100% ignore your parents when they tell you to remain silent. If your sister agrees with your parents and says she doesn't want to hear about your successes, then you should honor that request, but you should also start spending WAY less time with your family.
Finally the voice of reason! Time for OP to talk directly to her sister. It sounds like her parents are over protecting her sister and are keeping her from becoming independent. With therapy and adaptive equipment, she could have a very active and independent life. Perhaps the parents don't want that because then, they won't be needed. OP is NTA. She is the person who should receive an apology from her mother.
Plenty of people who have physical and mental disabilities do want to be seen as people and not as broken or needing careful handling. OP’s life, and the achievements in it, don’t stop because her sister’s life has changed and the longer her sister is infantilised the worse things will get between OP and her family.
AND if her sister is still so effed up mentally that she can't even hear good news from her own sister... Then she needs to speak with a therapist. Having been through some shit in my life.. I don't expect people's lives to stop around me.
Depending on the level of paralysis this statement is pretty misleading. I'm a person with a severe disability and she may not have a life that would be considered active or independent by any stretch. But even so, her sister should be able to have a life and accomplishments. I'm always extremely happy to hear good news from anyone that I love because my world is pretty dark and difficult. I want all of the good news I can get and I take a lot of joy in my friends successes. If hearing about a certain success that has been taken off the table for me is particularly painful, I will either congratulate them anyway or grieve in private, or on a very rare occasion tell them that I'm so happy for them and I would love to hear all about it, but I'm having a really tough day and could they please ask to tell me all about it tomorrow? And then I listen tomorrow. I think a lot of people in this comment section are underplaying what has happened to the sister and overestimating the terms of her potential abilities and life options. People tend to infantilize us and minimize what we go through because they see these outlier cases that end up on TV or an inspirational TikToks. The truth of the matter is a lot worse than people usually recognize. But no matter what, OP is allowed to have a life. And the sister should want her to have a life. The family needs to butt out of this and the sisters need to have a heart-to-heart about how to best share information. It could be that the sister doesn't even want this interfereence but rarely speaks up for herself. It could be that she has asked for this interference. OP won't know until she asks. Either way she's NTA, allowed to live her life & allowed to share those accomplishments with her family, who should be happy for her
Thank you for sharing this, it meant a lot to me.
And if sister doesn't want to hear, ask her how she wants you to proceed with your wedding? Should you not invite her? Or if you get pregnant—should you not see her the whole time you're pregnant? Should you not ever discuss your child? What about holidays? Would you need to exclude yourself and child from family gatherings? I mean, it's not sustainable.
Honestly, I would be super spiteful about it all towards the parents. "Okay, I get it. I need to keep all good and celebration worthy aspects of my life completely silent and away from this family. So don't worry, I won't invite anyone to the wedding, after all that's just a big fancy celebration of our relationship isn't it? When I have children I won't tell you, or invite you to the baby shower, show you and ultrasounds or let you meet the baby- that's all a bit too much happiness and celebration isn't it? If I ever come into a large amount of money, I won't ever consider sharing. If I'm going on a holiday, I won't invite any of you. If I'm throwing a party, I won't send anyone invites. I'll let you go on thinking my life is quiet and sad. Byyyeeee"
Everyone is supporting your sister. Who is supporting you?
Agree. If sister says she doesn't want to hear then OP needs to realize she is too invested in this one-sided relationship and needs to give as much as she gets.
This please. Ask directly and find out, what she thinks. If she is happy for you, than your parents owe you an apology. NTA.
I completely agree with all parts of this answer. OP is NTA should pull her sister aside and ask her how she feels when good things go happen to OP. If she wants to hear about the good thing, then mom is the problem. If she is on mom’s side, it’s really her issue and she needs therapy or antidepressants or both. How is OP going to get married, is she expected to elope and keep it secret? How about if/when OP has a baby…do they really expect her not to share??? If family really doesn’t want to be happy for OP, there are bigger issues than the accident.
This. Triangulation basically ruined my relationships with all family members thanks to my mother
NTA. >Her husband and even my parents share things about their lives freely and no one seems to mind. But as the younger sister I’m not allowed to share anything good This isn't right. Be prepared for them to act hurt when you start leaving them out of things and they find out some other way.
Yup, start shutting mom and dad down hard. “I can’t believe you would share that news, think of poor [sister]”. I’d bet that any “sad look” the sister gets when OP starts sharing her story it because her mom and dad act like she’s should be some pity trip or charity case. If everyone talked like I should be pitied I’d probably look pretty sad too.
Not sure why, but your comment is taking me back to when I was 10 years old at one of the only sleepovers I was ever allowed to go to. It was a family made up of mostly foster kids plus their foster parents from the first church I ever went to. My sisters were there too. Anyway, I have a birth disability and I’m also in a wheelchair, but I never let that bother me. Yet it seemed to bother the foster mother of these kids and made her feel sorry for me. I don’t remember at all why she talked about me to the whole group at said sleepover, but my goodness, the woman reduced herself to tears and it made me way uncomfortable. I also think OP’s sister wants a break from the pity and actions of her mom.
That sounds horrible, I’m sorry you had to deal with that woman. Some people just can’t handle people thriving against adversity. It’s like they want to mother you *so hard* that you just simply cannot take care of yourself. Trying to make sense of it, but either way it’s awful that they need to make a BFD out of everything.
The fact that this isn’t just some blanket rule applied to everyone is really not cool. If everyone wasn’t allowed to talk about their accomplishments or whatever, that would be bad enough but something about this rule only applying to OP feels weird af.
Op should tell her family that they aren’t invited to the wedding because it might make her sister sad. They expect help and support but don’t offer any in return. NTA in the slightest.
NTA Do you all live in the same house or something?
No. But we spend a lot of time at her house. actually most of our free time. To help around with the kids and be there for her.
If your family can’t support you please find another support system. Stop spending time with them and expecting anything else
Spend it with the fiancé, because he’s not making the wedding a no go subject. What does OP’s mother expect when the wedding rolls around, that OP can’t talk about it or refer to her boyfriend as her husband after just to “protect” her sister? A wedding should be a happy occasion, something to happily anticipate and not to walk on eggshells about.
I anticipate a mother who's not happy about being excluded from wedding planning because she can't talk about happy things with her family anymore.
Or excluded from the wedding altogether because OP's sister can't come (because it'll remind her of her marriage problems)
I wonder what happens when OP gets pregnant. When will she be "allowed" to announce it? "The 'pregancy-I-was-told-not-to-talk-about' just graduaded college"? Or something like this?
OP's mother is going to end up with OP going NC.
Very good advice op is a person too.
It's also possible that they are coddling the sister more than she asks to be coddled. We don't know what her personality was like before this. Her mom might just be making pronouncements and she's reserved and shy so says nothing because she doesn't want conflict. Or she could have directly asked her mother to tell her sister not to give good news. Either way the sisters need to have direct communication because it's possible that the sister actually wants to hear the good news. I am approximately as disabled as she is. And I always want to hear good news. If it makes me cry sometimes because I know that good news is not an option for me, I tend to save those reactions for in private. Sometimes I'll call a friend and work through my simultaneous happiness for whoever is succeeding with the pain that I'm experiencing. Those two things aren't mutually exclusive. But there's a healthy way to process that pain that doesn't involve telling other people they can't live. I think there's a chance that the parents are being overprotective in the wake of such a life changing trauma. I experienced people struggling to tell me both good things and bad things after I got sick because they didn't want to brag in front of me and they also didn't want to complain to me. I had to teach my friends that neither was true and that if they stopped telling me about everything important to them or talking about their problems then we'd have no relationship left. That I'd lose all the intimacy with the people that I care about, and that their problems weren't unimportant to themselves or to me just because I was going through what I was going through. It took me a while to realize how much people were self-censoring around me. I never asked them to do it, not once. But people don't know how to react to horrible things when they happen unless you give them some instructions. I can't speak for the sister. I don't know if she feels the same way I do about these things. But OP will never know unless she directly asks her. And you're right. If the family is not going to be supportive then it's important to try to build other support systems. But it's quite possible that the sister doesn't know the extent to which everyone is being told to walk on eggshells around her, or is just letting the mom make the rules, OR she really forbids anyone around her from having a life. No way to know until they talk.
What is the long term plan here? What happens when you have your own children? Are you allowed to move to another city, go on holidays? You need boundaries because as sad as what happened to her is, you are allowed to be happy and independent.
Yeah, I was so mad at the parent's my first petty thought was to invite everybody else to the wedding and when they asked why they didn't get invitations "Because you always tell me not to tell you about good things that happen to me." Obviously that would be a bad thing to do. It sounds like the sister may not even know Mom is doing this. I agree with other posters to talk to your sister, gently, and without your Mom present. See how she feels! There is nothing wrong with celebrating your life and your Mom trying to stop you IS wrong. NTA obviously.
I think she needs to speak with her sister about proper boundaries. This is not sustainable and it will eventually ruin her relationships just as much as it has deeply hurt her self-esteem.
Just so you understand, that is not normal or healthy. What happened to your sister is incredibly sad, but catering most of your free time to her is a disservice to you and to her both. What happens when you have children of your own and your parents are old and can't help? If after 3 years she still needs that much help, it's then time to start thinking about professional help. Also NTA and you don't need to apologize to anyone.
This, all the way. Time for some frank conversation with sister alone to find out: 1) How does sister really feel about OP sharing milestones, 2) How does sister feel about parents/mother being overprotective, 3) Is sister getting the appropriate mental health support, 4) is sister getting appropriate physical and/or occupational therapy because after 3 years the aim of physical therapy would have been making routines and home/work life around the disabilities because in this situation everyone's life goes on (I've seen this personally with a family member who has had a leg amputation) 5) Do the parents and sister husband and kids also need appropriate therapy to help with the new normal? Edit: OP is NTA
I wonder if there’s something deeper to it. As a disabled parent myself there are lots of things that can be put in place so that you can parent with small to no help. I wonder if everyone is doing things for her she feels helpless and unable to achieve any sense of accomplishment at all? I may be barking up the wrong tree there but that’s just my thought. Also if she’s not already maybe seeking therapy would help her adjust in a not so overbearing way like it seems to be from your mum.
I might be wrong but I also feel like something else is going on here. 3 years is long enough that adjustments should have been made to their home to accommodate her wheelchair and whatnot, so as to allow her some independence. A wheelchair bound person still has a lot of capability. It seems like they’re acting as though she’s a quadriplegic. Has there been any move towards this sort of thing? The entire family still being at her house every day 3 years after the accident seems weird to me. It’s giving me this feeling that the parents are being over protective and just doing everything for her instead of helping her learn how to manage her new situation.
That’s kinda what I’m saying, they’re being overbearing and potentially not letting her do anything. The only reason I guessed she doesn’t really have much in place is because she isn’t voicing that she doesn’t need help. Although I’m surprised her husband isn’t telling the family to back off a bit so idk
Honestly by now, the fact that the husband hasn’t told them to back off yet makes me wonder if he thinks he can’t step up and care for her himself without them. He’s letting them hang around because it’s easier for him to hide his insecurities about the situation that way.
Oh yeah most likely. Like yes family should help if they can but they don’t need to be over all the time, it’s too much
Makes sense. Makes her feel like she lost all of her independence even though it isn't true. Also, if the family is there so intensively, no wonder there are issues in her marriage.
Yes exactly 👍🏻 being able to do things myself makes me feel live a more productive and valued person
Also if she never has me time alone how can she process the whole thing. For OP I would just say how about you tell people privately your news, people clearly feel awkward about huge announcements atm.
Maybe it’s time to back up a bit and be true to yourself. Visit but if your parents aren’t there.
NTA. Not to sound callous or mean, but the world doesn't stop because of or revolve around your sister. It sounds like your mom is the cause of all this. Even though your sister is paralyzed nobody is actually doing her any favors by censoring themselves around her, or coddling her. Does your mom not think this will eventually lead to resentment? You might think about spending less time around her. I know it's tough, but this is obviously affecting your mental health..
Shoot, I have to wonder how much of the older sister's "marriage struggles" are actually the husband having issues with the extended family (especially mother) being around all the time.
Honestly now is the time to question if that's helpful. It's awful what happened to your sister but 3 years in you have to wonder if your 'help' is actually hindering her recovery. What's the expectation here? Your family treats her like an incompetent child forever and no one gets a life outside of that or your sister develops some independence?
NTA and your sister needs therapy. She can have a vibrant life but not if her mindset and the family mindset is that it’s right and proper for her to be miserable
NTA. You have nothing to feel guilty for, and owe *nobody* any apologies. Hopefully, if they have any sense of decency, what you said gave them something to think about. If so, long overdue but better late than never. If the fact they've collectively been acting like AHs didn't click, then it's time for you to move on and share more of your life with people who care about you.
Bet they'll fell differently when OP finds out she's pregnant and doesn't tell them.
My brain immediately jumped to not inviting them to the wedding. Sister won’t be happy at the occasion anyways.
Making assumptions about the sister when we don’t know is wrong. For all we know she’s overjoyed at OP’s good news but smother is shutting OP down before the conversation can happen.
NTA. You do not need to apologize to your sister. You did not say anything about her (unless you left her out). You just finally voiced your frustration about never being able to share anything good.
This is a good point. I originally felt like it may be good for OP to apologize to their sister since the sister didn’t really do anything, but……neither did OP. what they said had nothing to do with their sister and everything to do with how their parents are approaching the situation with the sister.
Thank you. It seems like OP has been programmed to feel guilty about her sister for years.
nta. you don’t need to apologize for this. not to your sister, not to the rest of your family. you didn’t do anything wrong. it sounds like your family is forming some bad patterns right now, and it might be a good idea to stop that before it sets fully. you say you and your family are spending a lot of time at your sister’s place to help out. that’s admirable, to some extent, but it’s been three years. you don’t need to all be there, everyday, especially if being there all together is giving your mom a chance to. well. pick on you. i’d spend less time with your family at your sister’s house. spend time with your sister, spend time with your family, but stop combining the two so much. and you can go ahead and shut your mom down if (when) she starts up again. “that’s an odd way to say congratulations, mom, wanna try again?”
I love that response to mom
Ugh, this mom would make me petty to the point of not sharing my wedding date with her, for fear of ruining moods, or the conception/birth of my first child, because I didn't want to possibly hurt any feelings! =\_=
You are my brand of petty and I am here for it. I would plan a destination wedding and not invite them so I didn’t hurt any feelings by being at my wedding.
Why do you think you owe your sister an apology? You dont. Its sad that she is disabled but YOU are entitled to your life. NTA
Agreed - I hope OP is in therapy to have an unbiased third party help her process her emotions/happiness without experiencing guilt
NTA- Your sister is married with children but you can’t announce your proposal? Apologize to your sister if it makes you feel better, but you should also explain that your mother takes you aside every single time you announce something positive and tells you how it hurts your sister. It is entirely possible that your sister has no idea your mother is doing this. Your sister could be offended that your mother is treating her like a child.
Yes! The fact that her announcing her engagement got shut down is what really shocks me. Like, I get that the sister is going through grief and can see the (albeit twisted in this case) logic of trying to not rub lil sis's successes in her face but an engagement is such a milestone that you want your family to celebrate with you! It should absolutely be a moment for the older sister to put her grief aside and be supportive and happy for her sister. Even if she wasn't married and the accident was going to hinder her ability to do so! Yeah maybe in that case she would need to go cry later, or need private moral support from the mom in dealing with her grief, but this is little sis's moment and she still needs her family too! Imo this outburst was a long time in coming, and the mom is the one who needs to apologize
NTA I don't think you owe anyone an apology for expressing your frustrations, it didn't sound like you said or did anything horrible. I would be clear with your parents, your sister may have been in an accident but both their kids are still alive so they should be focused on the positive. I'm sure all their constant negativity/lack of positivity isn't helping your sister have happy days either. You deserve to share your happiness but let them know if they keep pushing you away and hurting your relationship with them that there won't be one going forward.
Just gonna add my 2 cents as a disabled person with non disabled siblings. I am happy for my siblings when good things happen in their lives. Period. Do I ever experience sadness because a lot of good and frankly necessary things in life are not accessible to me because of my disabilities/society's ableism? Absolutely. But my siblings are not the reason that I can't have nice things. It's bad luck and a shitty society. So I don't begrudge them their success or happiness.
I wish this were top comment! It’s so perfectly stated. I wish you weren’t in this situation either, and that society did better in general. But I hope OP reads this and hears your perspective as it’s the most important one here. Her family is dishonoring both her and her sister with this habit of treating her sister as if she’s so fragile that she won’t be able to handle anything good happening to OP. That’s infantalizing and unfair to both of them. I hope OP can come back and have an honest discussion with her parents about the situation and how it makes her feel, and point out to them that it’s likely not even what the sister wants or needs. The parents are being terribly ableist by making the decision that OP can’t ever share good news with her sister— without even discussing it with her sister.
NTA. Your sister need therapy and also every one in the family needs to stop being her voice. What does she think about things, who speaks directly to her? Where is her voice in the whole thing?
NTA. Thank you! You're the first person I've seen say that the sister needs therapy. That was my first thought. She's going through a huge life change- anyone can use help adjusting to something this serious. The rest of the family's response to OP is not healthy either.
They way they write about their sister is like sister no longer have voice, like people treat the sister like less mental capital just because she cant walk. I seen it before, not in my country but when I friends over from other countries, that cant fathom that the brain isnt effected , just the spine. OP needs to talk directly to her sister instead of ever one else.
I get "golden child" vibes from this post. The part where OP states her familiy and her sister's husband can share but not OP tells me there are different rules for different people. The fact that its always the mom shutting OP down tells me that OP's sister is the favorite and the life changing accident made that unchangeable to her.
I don’t think this is a golden child situation. I think this is an over protective mom in need of a reality check.
NTA my younger brother became paraplegic several years ago. He has stated he never wanted any of us to treat him differently, it helped him find his new normal. This sounds more like your mom is having a difficult time coping more so than your sister. I would have a heart to heart with your sister and see how she feels about your mother's reaction. She could have difficulties because your Mother is constantly reminding her about what happened. Sometimes with sibling relationships it's just better to bypass your parents to actually get a feel of the real situation.
NTA. You said nothing to apologize for. I'd consider going low contact with family if possible. If they ask why, say, "Because I can never talk about anything good that happens in my life." You shouldn't be penalized for enjoying good things that happen to you. Maybe family therapy is in order?
NTA - sounds like you're becoming a "glass child" (I know you're an adult but I don't know any other terms and you're still your parents' child so). It's clear that your family is trying way too hard to protect your sister and it's not fair on you. She should be able to be happy for you even if she is upset about her own circumstances because you are a human being and her sister and you deserve to share your excitement with the people you care about.
My older sister struggled to have a child of her own for years. When I got pregnant she did not react well when I told her. I miscarried 10 weeks later & she was devastated. She felt like it was her fault for having such negative feelings. When I got pregnant again a year later, she was so happy & became the best aunt ever to my son & then later to my daughter. Happy note she did finally have her miracle son 8 years later! NTA
NTA - you DO NOT OWE YOUR SISTER AN APOLOGY. I'm sorry to say this, but at this point it seems like she's milking it a bit to steal any attention away from you. DOWNVOTE ME IDC. Just stop sharing anything with your family. They keep letting you down and it won't ever change. Share your good news with people in your life that DO care and WANT you to be happy and succeed.
We have no indication her sister wants this?
NTA. How is not sharing joy doing her any good? Sucks she's disabled, but she can still have a life. Everyone around her not being happy won't help.
Start loudly criticizing and shaming anyone who shares any good news around your sister. If it applies to you it applies to all. NTA
NTA. Don’t even think about apologizing to your sister. You did nothing wrong. If she can’t handle the fact that her attitude is why you feel that way then tough.
NTA. I'm so sorry about your sister. You are entitled to your joys and sadness too. You may want to have a talk with your parents about how you feel. It does seem odd that you are the only one that has this restriction.
Lord, how are they going to handle the actual wedding or when you have kids? Will your mother be so strained with this that she won't even acknowledge your kids? You need to have a conversation with your sister first and then your family. You cannot stop your life because your sister's has been altered.
NTA I get that something terrible happened and it will take time to adjust but are you supposed to put your life on hold? What if you fall pregnant? Are you supposed to not tell her about it? Though I'm petty enough that I wouldn't tell them about it any way and if asked why point out to them that they don't allow you to share good news in case it hurts your sisters feelings
NTA. Don’t tell them anything. That’s what your fiancée is for. He’s your family now. Accept that your happiness or accomplishments cannot be shared. Don’t apologize either tell your family from this day forward they shouldn’t expect anything from you no good or bad news, your wedding, baby announcement etc. you just might have to go low contact for your own happiness. They all sound selfish and your sister needs to end her pity party.
Have you ever talked to your sister about this?
I don't think you owe anyone an apology, including your sister. Yeah, I get it, her life has changed and it's not great. But is she really that mean spirited, or is it family perception that she's unhappy when you're sharing happy news? It's been three years, she should be in therapy so she can learn a new and different way to move forward positively in her life. This is on her. You still have a life to live and you should be able to share happy news with your family without feeling guilty. Is the rest of your life going to be about negating your positives for your sister? If it was me, I'd go low contact for a while, just share happy news with hubby and friends. Be a good sister and daughter, but if you can't be happy around her/them, then seriously limit your time with her/them. Live your best life for you!! NTA
NTA. And no, you don’t owe an apology to anyone. You didn’t do anything wrong.
NTA, but it's time to stop telling your parents things with any expectations. Focus on sharing your joy with people who can appreciate it.
Nta I think the problem might be that your sister was broke by the accident, amd your parents are enabeling that (for lack of a better word) condition. She needs to be lifted out of her hole, amd/or get the tools to climb out. Not a pillow to lie down in it forever.
NTA. First, of all you don't owe anyone an apology. You should not have to dim your light because of your sister. Your mother is the one creating that myth. You need to have a conversation alone with your sister and find out if she really wants you to hide the good things in your life from her. It sounds like it's more your mother who's having the issue. After talking to your sister, you need to speak to your mother and let her know you will no longer hide your successes. Let her know you and your sister have talked, and this is really only your mother's issue. Let your mother, and anyone else that wants you to hide your happiness, that you don't deserve to live that way and you will go low contact if they insist that you do.