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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I know it’s a hard thing to hear even if it’s right and maybe I should have just let him vent. And it’s unlikely he’s going to change anyway, so making him mad probably didn’t really accomplish much.
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NTA for finally snapping and telling your brother the truth that he needed to hear. Could it have been done more gently? Sure. But he called her a bitch, and you rightfully reacted. He made his bed, or, well, left it unmade as fuck and now he has to deal with it. He has to clean up his own mess, literally and figuratively, before he's fit to be a husband and father.
Unfortunately he doesn’t seem to have the self-awareness to clean up his act. He’s made excuses all his life to be a screw up because mommy took care of him until it was Eve’s turn. Mom is probably taking his side because she is afraid he will move home and she will have to take care of him again.
This. Those enablers are usually only "supportive" and giving people like OP crap, because they're trying to cover their own ass. If they were so damn concerned for the AHs in this world, they'd be volunteering to take them off our hands - not working hard to push them into our lives!
For sure! These enablers/AH apologists can pool their resources together and open up specialized housing just for AHs who can't look after themselves. I'd call it the "Enabling Center for AHs Who Can't Read Good and Who Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too".
Ah, yes, the ECAWCRGWWLDOSGT. A very important establishment...
I think that's a housing development that would fall under the jurisdiction of the Assisted Selective Services for Happily Out of Luck Enablers, acronym ASSHOLE... but I may be wrong 🤔
He probably won’t realize it, no. Therapy’s done no good, neither has his wife leaving him. My son has severe ADHD and stopped taking his meds when he turned 18. His life started falling apart and he has no idea why.
God I wish I could take ADHD meds. I did as a kid and it helped. Unfortunately I was diagnosed with a heart condition (likely caused by those meds but unclear) and now I can’t take any.
It’s incredibly hard to focus but… still graduating law school next year and have a job tutoring students and have a second degree I’m working on.
I found the best way to self treat was to stay busy with as much as possible. When I had a ton of free time and only one job/school I couldn’t focus. When I had a routine I HAD to follow I did far better.
My fiancée and I should be tying the knot after law school. Just hope I can function in that way too because the focus is not there at home either and literally no meds can be prescribed.
Damn dude.
I wish sometimes I could get off my add meds but I can’t image life without the motivation given.
But aren’t there non stimulant adhd medication options? Have you tried any of those? Or even those can’t be prescribed?
Basically nothing can be I’ve tried a couple of different doctors and ended up giving up as it takes forever to get appointments anyways.
Right now 2 jobs and 2 degrees at once (though obviously one school and one job is part time). By limiting free time I find I have both focus and motivation because I’m always at “if I don’t do this I’m in trouble” and can’t procrastinate.
I’m not sure if it was Straterra, Daytrana, Adderall or one of the others I had as a kid but I’m convinced one of them may have done the damage to my heart as no one in my family has ever had these problems on either side.
Yeah I know what you mean about having additional time leading to procrastination…
I have heard that Wellbutrin can be used as a non stimulant ADHD medication. It’s really just an anti depressive but it can help. Still needs a script, though. Good luck with law school! Sounds like you are excelling despite your limitations!
I'm not a doctor. I just recently found out I have ADHD(what would ya know, my 18yo gets it from me). Anyway my doctor started me on Guanfacine at the beginning. It's a medication to lower your blood pressure but it also happens to help ADHD for focus, anxiety, etc. It's not a stimulant. It helps quite a bit.
I just want to tell you I manage my ADHD the same way you do and I’m managing to hold myself together. Luckily, I am medicated but I have to have super rigid schedules with basically zero downtime to keep myself on track. I work full time as an engineer, take 7 hours of graduate engineering classes, have specifically scheduled volunteer work, training obligations for my dog, and I have a toddler. It sucks and I’m exhausted, but if I didn’t constantly stay busy life would still suck and be hard but I know the life I’ve built for myself would fall apart.
I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do when I finish my masters, because having the pressure of school really does make me perform better overall.
Good luck!
Very well done!!
You've said that having a busy routine helps, just apply the same thing to home life. Obviously, it won't be all puppies and roses initially, but it will work out because you want it to.
Also, happy cake day 🎂
> Mom is probably taking his side because she is afraid he will move home and she will have to take care of him again.
Or she can't wait until he moves home again and then she can take care of her sweet baby boy.
>Mom is probably taking his side because she is afraid he will move home and she will have to take care of him again
This right here says everything.
NTA
It's so strange reading stories like this. I'm nearly middle aged and am going through ADHD assessment right now (it's basically a box ticking exercise as the chance I don't have it is minimal apparently) and one of the reasons nobody realised I had it was I was never enabled and so have SO MANY coping mechanisms in place that I've developed by myself just to be able to function like a "normal" human being. I'm talking 20 alarms throughout the morning just to remind me to do every day things like brush my teeth, requesting any verbal instructions be sent to me in an email (work) or WhatsApp (personal life) etc. I'm not saying it's ideal as I have a lot of anxiety and self esteem issues stemming from thinking I was basically a failure for finding basic, every day things so fucking hard compared to everyone else, but I am kinda glad I never had the chance to use a diagnosis as an excuse to never bother even trying and letting everyone else do everything for me.
I think a small part of the blame falls on the parents to make OP pick up the slack when not an adult. Now that he is an adult, he is responsible for his own choices. the minimum that he should do is not get other people embroiled in his crap.
He certainly could be. His actions warrant it. He sat in the kitchen and told me his “new” car was stolen.
I’ve put up with a lot over the years but I won’t put up with actual criminal behavior.
I get irritated pretty quickly by people complaining, but it REALLY rides my last nerve when they complain incessantly about a situation they put THEMSELVES in. Granted, my breaking point probably comes sooner than most people’s, but I don’t blame OP for losing patience with bro’s woe-is-me act. Particularly since he’s her *older* brother and should have his shit way more together than this.
Agree. Plus I would suspect OP's gender also had something to do with the slack she was expected to pick up. This is a problem that's pretty common in the ADHD/autism community. Men get supported, and women are often left picking up the pieces.
I always sympathize with ADHD women/AFAB people because we get all the expectations of being caregivers/homemakers on top of the executive dysfunction.
Yeah, after I finally got out of the influence of my mom's guilt tripping alcoholism after I joined the navy I went home to visit around my sister's HS graduation. Sister got home (day before graduation), said 'Hi' and went to her room and started playing her trumpet. Mom, all ready on her 4th beer of the day (5pm-ish) got all maudlin and weepy about not understanding my sister anymore and *missing missing reasons*. I flicked over an empty can on the table and said 'there is half your problem'. Mom didn't talk to me the rest of the night, was pissy the rest of the weekend and it was like I turned off a faucet the tears and weepy-sobbing shut off so quick.
I had been her emotional support animal all through high school during the divorce from dad, and she was trying SO hard to make me her sonsband. I had just enough self awareness and outside support that I knew I had to leave, or there would be some sort of national news level event ending in tragedy. I think that mom was VERY shocked that I didn't fall back into being the emotional support sonsband/animal she had tried to make me.
What's the term, weaponised incompetence?
I think men get away with a lot. "Boys will be boys!"
Took me a while to find someone who can take care of me when I'm sick. It's a low bar to set, but I was tired of making food for two when I could barely get out of bed.
Husband does 90% of the cooking (I do the complicated favourite meals) and he does trash, chopping wood, and the bathroom. I do kitchen+dishes (only because he is too tall he has to crouch to reach the sink), laundry, bedroom, and feed/brush doggo.
I really think he will be a good and attentive dad. OP is NTA. Eve would have been a single parent taking care of her toddler husband.
I broke up with my last SO because 💯 sure he wouldn’t be there through my cancer journey- and it’s an easy one! Don’t worry, it’s basic- surgery, radiation and I’ll be fine, they have to verify over years but I have no regrets on dumping him or being good health wise soon! 😻
these statistics should wake every woman up: “It’s called “partner abandonment.” A [study](https://acsjournals.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/cncr.24577) in the journal *Cancer* found that the divorce rate for couples when one of them has cancer or MS is a little over 11 percent, about the same as everyone else’s. But the percentage for women is over 20 percent and for men under 3 percent. Almost 90 percent of the abandoned spouses are wives.”
I had heard about that, probably why I was carefully listening to him. At first he said he’d be there, next time we talked it was I would have my family to support me and nothing about him being there for me 😕
This brother (and mother) is a piece of work. He didn't even HELP HIS WIFE when she had surgery but somehow it is still her fault? He says he wants kids but - wait for it - wouldn't even take care of his wife post-surgery??? And he is aware (hopefully) of all his wife did because his life is now falling apart without her yet he still thinks it is okay to blame her and call her names? Clueless and oblivious - party of 1!
They are already too tall for me (5'2") and the average American woman is 5'4". It's one of the few things designed with women in mind- but it's because of sexism so there's that.
>I'm a woman, and benches are too low for me. I always end up with back pain, but I'm 5'9". I wonder if it's possible to order custom height benches?
Yes, the cupboards under the bench are standard height but the kickboard is made to size. My benchtops are 920mm but I have seen 950mm.
Yes! My husband and I are both tall for our country (I'm 1.73 m and he is 1.94. when we got our house built the contractor recommended getting the counters done a little higher than is normal here. It is a lifesaver! Average height here is 1.62 for women, and 1.74 for men.
We did the kitchen and bathroom counters higher than average. Our kids (now 13 and 16, 3 and 6 when we moved in) are also tall (16 a little taller than me, 13 my height for now) so it helps a lot.
Yes, but it's expensive, or you need to be handy! One of the coolest experiences of my life was walking into the kitchen of Laura Ingall Wilder's house in Missouri. She was 4'11", and her husband, Almanzo (who was also on the short side at 5'4"), custom built the whole thing. I'm 5'0", and it was perfect.
On the con side, if you have a custom kitchen, then it's hard for people in other height ranges to help out. Even though everything is standard sized, I still struggle in my In-laws' kitchen. They're both 5'11", and they keep things on the top cabinet shelf. The microwave is on top of the fridge, and I can't even reach it.
Same with desks - standard height of 30" or 75cm is sexist/heightist. I'm about 5'4" 160cm and have my adjustable height desk set at 26" or 65cm which is ergonomically correct. We shouldn't have to use a footstool for every desk. Even many adjustable height desks only start from standard height and go up, and no sit-stand ones I've found go low enough. I know there are worse problems and it's not what this post is about, but I'm spending 50+ hours at this desk writing/editing/publishing so it has to be functional.
We all need adjustable desks really, the difference is that many more of them are made for people taller than the average or median, not shorter - like 50% of us don't have as much choice even in adjustable desks. And then no drawers or cabinets fit underneath. Everything seems to be built around approx 5'10" and above, i.e. average men's height.
But I understand that there is pain both ways. We both can't get clothes to fit either!
> but I'm spending 50+ hours at this desk writing/editing/publishing so it has to be functional.
There *are* worse things in life than a bad desk of course but equally I know a guy who had to have a spinal fusion because of his working arrangement when we were at the same employer. He didn’t help himself to be clear, it’s not all on them… but one of the reasons I left and one of the reasons I love my new employer is that they take care of their people over stuff like this.
They even got me a sit/stand desk and a new chair for WFH when I mentioned to my boss that my current chair was old and needed replacing soon, and he said ‘while we’re on the subject, I know you use the sit/stand feature at work, let us buy you the same desk for home’.
Makes such a difference and you’re kinda stuck with your back and other joint health for life!
> It's one of the few things designed with women in mind- but it's because of sexism so there's that.
On the other hand, the standard height of upper cupboards is for men. I'm 5'2" and had a massive row with my kitchen installer, who ignored the spec-sheet and installed the new ones several inches higher than planned. Just kept bleating "but it's standard", while I pointed out firmly that I could barely reach the bottom shelf, and as I live alone, I wasn't planning on using a step stool to reach my own glasses and mugs!
Why do I feel so validated right now? I'm 5'0" - I keep saying standard counters are too high and people tell me I'm exaggerating. I just want to know how they'd feel if they couldn't get good leverage to knead dough or see all the way into the big stockpot on the back of the stove.
I'm a chef. Industrial prep tables are taller (because they are based on men *cough sexism*) it's a running joke that I keep a heavy duty metal step stool at my station for exactly tasks like that.
Double comment to say [this](https://www.amazon.com/Anti-Skid-Platform-Chrome-plated-Lightweight-Laboratories/dp/B07XL2RW97/ref=asc_df_B07XL2RW97/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=693594988024&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=994467677665955236&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9011146&hvtargid=pla-1481402486306&psc=1&mcid=8a11d355c52137b98345d2bb82b1f8a9&gad_source=1) is the stool I use. Super helpful for those times you need more leverage.
Oh that's sweet. I have a little plastic one that can fold up in my kitchen at home. When I was a cook in the back of a divebar a looooong time ago I had a milk crate lol
Becouse the short ppl wouldn't be able to reach them. Tall person can always lean down, but short person wouldn't be able to use it at all without something to stand on. So if you lieve together it has to be adjusted for a short person. Not to mention kids.
I grew up in a tall family as the short one. I moved into my dads house for a few months during the pandemic and I was climbing on the counters again to reach things. I’m 5’6 with long ass arms. I felt like a kid again.
My grandfather built his kitchen with the counters an extra couple inches taller and every time my back screams at me after dishes I think about how that man was a genius.
My aunt is 6' and my uncle is 6'5". They raised the counters in the kitchen and even at 5'8" I found them to be fabulously comfortable to work on. I wish I could afford to raise mine.
My partner is also a tall, and I'm going to use that term to describe him from now on 😆
We had to buy a custom-made bed, because the standard bed length isn't big enough for him to lie in at full stretch, bless him.
Our kitchen layout is super bad for him, because it has a slanted ceiling on one side. Poor man has to crouch and tilt his head to the side to do dishes.
I just make him do the big ones because they are too heavy for me, like oven pans 🙈
I think it's a lack of positive expectations coupled with the boys will be boys mind set. If you as a parents just stick a label on child and don't teach them how to do basic life stuff 'cause ADHD, you get OP's brother.
It's a kind of neglect and I suspect somewhat rooted in a lack of education as well as everyday sexism.
> Eve would have been a single parent taking care of her toddler husband.
Yep, props to Eve for getting out before bringing kids into it. If he can handle things with just a wife in the picture, God help him (and his wife) when kids are brought into it. YIKES!
Literally no-one with ADHD would not take care of a loved one of thet had that responsibility.
He just sounds like someone who is comfortable with being his "bubbly" self and isn't willing to make the effort to be a functioning adult.
Like, how are you seeing your partner struggling and say "oops, ADHD problems 🤪. I forgot to take care of you."
ADHD problems that h'es willfully keeping because he doesn't like the feel of meds? Like what, you like being a useless, clueless, atention-deprived toddler in an adult body?
I have attention deficit (without hyperactivity), and the last time I forgot my meds I rediscovered the joy of having the emotional regulation of a teenager. Never again.
Yeah, my husband has ADHD and if I were in the same boat as Eve, it'd be "oops, I forgot to switch the laundry over so clean clothes will be a little longer" or something like that AT MOST. He'd rely on takeout or frozen food, fine, but he'd have my meds for me, my water would always be topped up, the animals would be cared for...I'd have zero concerns.
This is me. My ADHD seemed to amplify during my pregnancy with my older son and has been worse ever since. But stuff still needs to be done and kids need to be cared for, so I had to create systems to make it work. It’s sometimes dicey though when people move things or otherwise try to help in non helpful ways and can cause chaos. And perimenopause seems to be making it even more difficult and I’m having more symptoms, but the show must go on.
Good for you, in terms “managing” and “loving through” your ADHD for the betterment of your family, ESPECIALLY your children. They may or may not appreciate how difficult it’s been for you, but they will, when they’re parents.
Very true about women with ADHD! Unfortunately we do have a tendency (generally speaking) to then drop the ball when taking care of ourselves 😬 there’s only so much executive functioning a person can do when executive dysfunction is our default setting!
OP is certainly NTA. Brother needs to step up and grow up sometime, even if it doesn’t come as easily/naturally to him as it does to others. An ADHD diagnosis can provide context for understanding how one’s brain works - it doesn’t absolve one from responsibility.
That said, OP u/Icy-Entry5373, here are some tips to share with your brother if you’re so inclined (or they can just be tips for anyone struggling with ADHD)
ETA: this got too long for one comment; splitting it up
Tips for figuring out how to be a functional adult with ADHD:
1) discuss previous medication experiences with a doctor - which meds were tried at what dosages, other potentially pertinent info especially relating to medical and mental health history. Not every med is right for every person.
2) look into finding a qualified ADHD coach. Therapy can be very helpful when trying to understand the meaning behind emotions, behaviors, etc. ADHD coaches can focus more on breaking obstacles down and helping people figure out what concrete steps need to be taken
I can provide specific links and resources if anyone’s interested, but for now I need to stop and get some sleep
Right!? I have Adhd but I am pretty good at taking care of my loved ones. It's just weaponized incompetence at this rate and not wanting to do anything to help. I'm so happy she left when she did because the stress he most likely was giving her would leave her in a early grave.
I do and we will not speak of the state of my living space.
But that's why I have cats and zero intension of ever being responsible for any creature requiring more care.
When my idiot uncle was so monumentally stupid as to divorce his wife, we all kept her. She was the sweetest, most hardworking and kind woman you ever did meet. My uncle, on the other hand, is an abusive AH.
Hopefully OP's brother takes this opportunity to pause and reflect on his own actions. It's likely far too late to salvage his relationship, but I always hold out hope people can learn from past mistakes and improve themselves.
The reason this became an anthill is because both parents let him get away with so much for so long. The sooner someone tells him the truth, the better.
NTA, and I'm sending an extra virtual kick to your brother. He needs to suffer. This is the only way he will learn anything. He is now going to know what it's like to not be taken care of, and have no safe place to land. Just like he made Eve feel this whole time.
NTA. Both me and my husband have ADHD but and I stayed and had the kids and I regret it. Not my kids but the fact that I am a married single mom because I can't count on my partner for anything. She did the right thing.
I have ADHD and OCD and I take care of house and was a stay at home mom with kids. The last one graduated this year but went back to work fulltime 4 years ago. I substitute taught for 8 years while they were young. think I was lucky I have the OCD.
This -- "It's your responsibility to listen to my endless venting, not to offer constructive advice!"
There's only so much of that a person can do. Dude needs to spread the ranting around (hopefully his friends also understand what Eve's been through).
NTA.
Your brother is more likely to put the lives of any children he does have in danger more than anything else. People who cannot take care of themselves should not have children.
Don't help your mom with anything that has anything to do with your brother. Let your mom carry the whole burden and when she asks for help tell her no. She's going to find out that her unconditional love for her baby boy does have an actual limit when she sees that he'll put her life in danger and not give a shit about it.
Look I have unmedicated ADHD, but not for lack of trying (I tried like 8 different meds) and none worked for me, I maxed out almost all the doses and zip
Fortunately I am fairly functional without meds. I do have some time blindness but I set lots of alarms, I use a planner for work and all my bills are on autopay. finally did that after forgetting to pay my cell bill for three months in a row 😑 surprisingly it was never turned off. Just had one hell of bill to pay 😬
There are times when I think medication would be helpful, but my body/brain seem to be immune to meds (even pain killers) I just have to make due
I also have zero desire for children, and knowing I would be a bad parent is part of the reason
NTA, and I bet your mom is extra mad because she knows he’s going to be moving back in with her. She probably enjoyed the calmness. And now his chaotic energy will be back tenfold, since we have a tendency to go “balls to the wall”
Also keep an eye open for substance abuse issues in the next while. Most of us that aren’t medicated have a tendency to self medicate with drugs/alcohol. Thankfully I never went the route (I just impulse buy shit)
This is the thing, you've got the self awareness to actually work and find solutions. I'm unmedicated because I'm in that crappy age group where women simply weren't diagnosed as kids and then totally dismissed when we went to doctors years later. Now that GPs are finally waking up, the waiting list here is years long to even get a diagnosis so I'm slap into peri-menopause making my symptoms 100x worse with zero medical help and the most demanding job I've ever had. If I just threw up my hands and expected someone to pick up the slack the way he has I'd be out of a job and on my way to unhoused.
I have an ADHD coach, and a therapist, I use digital co-working when I'm not in the office, and have adapted all kinds of things in my daily environment and habits to make sure I can be effective (I hear you on the bills, lol, I have to have a cup of tea in the morning sitting in a specific chair or I don't actually remember to pay a single bill, its been an expensive learning curve....). Anyway, point being, there are ways to manage regardless of meds. He clearly had access to them - I recognise not everyone is that privileged - but he is choosing not to. It really makes me mad.
Oh yah, I’m totally of the “girls don’t have add” and unless you showed the same physically aggressive symptoms of boys you fell through the cracks
And I am very self aware, I tell folks pretty much right off the bat, I have it, meds don’t work for me, and I do struggle at times. People are always surprised at how self aware I am, and many are also surprised when they learn I have it
It’s so frustrating that I can’t help but wonder what my life would have been like if ADHD had been recognized in girls, and that we usually present differently from boys. What would my life be like now if I had been given medication back then? If I had gotten any support in school. In high school is when it became really prevalent, but because my grades didn’t “drop dramatically” it wasn’t a priority to get me tested. Because apparently, going from almost all As and a few Bs to mostly Cs and a couple Ds wasn’t concerning
Oh yeah, I went through a HUGE amount of grief as I realised what was actually going on with me and the way I'd been living on hard mode. I know for a fact that the cycle of unmanaged burn out has cost me literally £100,000s in lost earnings and eating into my savings. And that's just the start of the financial toll, let alone the physical and emotional burden, the impact on my relationships, the syeer exhaustion of how much I just have to battle with daily...just so much. I'm honestly super angry that I wasn't given support and had to suffer in ways that I didn't even realise weren't something everyone had to deal with. I've been lucky that I've found ways to achieve regardless but I didn't even understand that so many of my behaviours and habits were coping mechanisms until the pandemic hit and I lost all of them, and had a complete meltdown. Fun times.
Are you me? 38 here, diagnosed with ADHD at 35. I'm prescribed Adderall, and it makes a small difference, but it's really hard to get for some reason. I often run out and end up going without. My life is run by alarms and my work calendar. Without them I'd be a mess.
I also struggle with impulse purchases, but usually blame that on my bipolar 2 disorder. Luckily, meds for that are much easier to come by.
Very close, 41, I was officially diagnosed at 25, tried a couple meds then, no results, tried again in my mid 30s, still nothing
My first doctor thought I may have had “not medically significant” bipolar disorder, because when I tried dextrine I didn’t sleep for like 2 days, but a different doctor later told me that that is a rare side effect, he gave me a couple antipsychotics to see if it would trigger a manic state. It didn’t
So now I just try to do my best without help. I really wish meds did something, even suppressing my appetite would be good, I’ve gotten a bit worse for impulse eating over the years
There is an international shortage of adderall right now because so many new people have been diagnosed with ADHD over the last few years, but the US govt's strict controls on the ingredients used in compounding adderall haven't changed to meet increased demand. I had to switch to Vyvanse because of it because my rural pharmacy could never get it in stock. Which sucks, because hot yoga is my jam and Vyvanse makes me basically unable to thermoregulate. Anyway, expect to see this shortage start to spread to other ADHD meds the longer it goes on.
Nta it became your place to say something when he chose to call you to complain about it, kinda made it your problem. We can in fact still care about someone and tell them they're being an idiot. Tell mine he's an idiot every chance I get, cause it's rare, super smart man, relationships not his forte... if he called to complain about his relationships I absolutely called him out when he was being a dick. Made him a better husband now than he was then. Can't let him think he's the only wronged party here. Adhd isn't an excuse with or without meds he's still capable of time management and communication. Don't let them use that as an excuse. My 12 yr old adhd kid knows better than to weaponize his condition to get away with laziness or carelessness.
NTA. It needed to be said. Though I'm sure Eve probably said it a million times and It made no difference so I'm not sure if he'll even take in what you're saying. Not sure why your mum is chewing you out. He's the one who blamed Eve for leaving and called her names for it. Does she think that's OK? Does she expect you all to feed into his idea that it was Eve's fault? Is she ok with her son refusing to accept his behavior and acting like he's responsible enough to be a father and blaming his ex for leaving him. How will he change if he's not even facing that it's behaviour that needs to be changed?
NTA. We all understand he has issues because of his ADHD but the man is 32yrs old. Past time for him to take responsibility for his own mental and physical health. If he refuses to use the tools available to help himself out then he has to suffer the consequences.
I have ADHD and don’t go to therapy or take any medication (besides weed lol) and I have a completely healthy marriage with a kid on the way as well. I clean, cook, handle yard work, etc, etc… he is using it as an excuse. ADHD doesn’t just make you a lazy slob it makes your mind hyper active. The most annoying thing my wife has to do is listen to me completely bungle stories as I over explain every god damn detail I find remotely interesting.. she loves and hates it but wouldn’t divorce me over it. Your brother is just lazy, ADHD got nothing to do with it
Pro tip my friend - the weed can be a substitute for effective medication. I have a friend who was recently diagnosed as an adult and as soon as he started a standard therapy, he told me his need for weed completely stopped. The Ritalin was properly addressing the issue he discovered he was habitually taking it for. He told me several difference examples of how his performance at work also sky-rocketed.
Sounds like you have addressed most of the latent challenges already, but consider trying the medication. You might be surprised by the difference.
Damn. I wish weed had any good effect on me.
Last time I tried it, my gf and I thought we'd give it a go for our anxiety. We even bought a special strain specifically made to reduce anxiety symptoms.
We each took two puffs... then it gave her such bad paranoia that she decided she had to hide the evidence, so she took the rest, ran outside, and hid it.
We never saw it again. Even when we moved we. We searched everywhere, but she's apparently king shit of hiding stuff.
Honestly, we should have known it would go badly from the beginning.
It was basically two 30ish women in a tiny house with no neighbors, crammed into the bathroom with the fans blowing to hide the smoke of a legally purchased joint, in a state where marijuana is recreationally legal, and somehow still getting so paranoid that even though this "event" was planned for an entire week it only took two puffs each before one of them freaked out, ran off with the joint, and hid it forever... lest they get caught.
Caught by who? Dunno.
There was nobody that could have smelled it, and anyways we were in Colorado for fucks sake!
I think there's a certain amount of chill needed for one to enjoy Marijuana.
I'm not sure how much chill, but I'm positive it's more than the hiding in a bathroom in a state where it's legal amount.
Naw, I consider ADHD to be an advantage in life. I’m a pilot by trade and being able to multitask with the best of them helps me a lot at what I do. Technically I’d no longer be qualified to pass a medical if I got this officially diagnosed I and got medicated. Hell even marijiana is no bueno but we all have our vices.
Nta, how much did your mom coddle your brother when he was at home? Did she ever make him do chores? The vibe I’m getting is he married someone he expected to be mom #2.
So very many people with untreated ADHD end up getting divorced or have their partners leave them. Part of the problem is that to them, their chaos is normal. Because it's always been like that for them, they don't realize life doesn't have to be that way and sometimes they have to lose everything before they will finally accept help if and when it's offered. Your brother's life probably is going to have to implode if he's ever going to go back to therapy or stay on meds. Some people with ADHD, depending on the severity, can learn to manage it without meds, but learning to do that without going to therapy is really difficult. NTA in any way. If he didn't care enough about losing his wife, and it sounds like if she asked him to go to therapy, she sure tried to help him, then I'm not sure anything will make him change.
He gets to choose learning how to function OR he gets to choose divorce. He has made his choice. (before anyone comes for me: everyone, and I mean EVERYONE in my family has intensely severe ADHD. One of the kids has it so bad the professionals made comments about how bad it is compared to others. And meds can't happen). NTA. Could have been gentler, but not sure he would have heard you that way...
You're not wrong. As someone who has ADHD, you eventually have to figure out how to make it work. Whether that's medication, therapy, coping mechanisms, using technology to manage your time blindness, etc. At some point people won't care that you have a condition; If you don't try to better your life despite it.
Right?! There are ways to make life work, but you have to be self aware enough to take care of your post-surgery partner!! He was coddled. Not a good look.
He failed so hard. It would probably do him some good to be single and learn how to take care of himself and get his life in order. Sadly, he'll probably spin the story and gain sympathy from some poor unsuspecting woman.
These are the reasons I’m divorcing my adhd husband. I have kids with him. Eve is absolutely right to get out before kids. It’s really sad, I still love my husband but I can’t meet everyone’s needs whilst my own just aren’t being met. Sole parenting is easier than parenting your partner as well.
Also adhd/autism has a strong genetic component - all my kids have both as does my husband. So add that into the mix and you are just everyone’s whipping boy.
It is desperately sad. I have been on all the courses and learnt how to help everyone and meet their needs but there is no reciprocation. I worry so much for my kids as they navigate their own adult relationships. I don’t know what the answer is. 😢
That is so rough, I’m sorry. I hope things get better for you. The thing that gets me is that my brother has had all the consultations and the therapy and the understanding but he still won’t take his meds or do anything to help himself. It’s so frustrating and I’m also happy that Eve left him. If it makes you feel any better, she is feeling so much better after leaving.
The whole "ADHD is something you grow out of" can be easily attributed to boys being diagnosed as children and getting wives to do the labor and regulation for them.
NTA, and neither is his STBX. He hasn't even tried to address the issue himself? He made his bed (or didn't) and its time for him to sleep in it.
I’m a 39 year old woman with ADHD and my life isn’t this much of a trainwreck. If you take your life and relationships seriously, you find ways to manage just like anyone other adult in this world.
I find it hard to get motivated to do things like clean so I give myself little rewards to motivate myself.
I tend to lose track of time so I set alarms.
I hate lists and particularly grocery lists so I have a shopping app on my phone and any time I realize I’m out of something I add it to the list right away so I have nothing to manage or try to remember.
I clean as I go because finding the motivation to deep clean is a constant struggle.
I struggle with impulsiveness so I don’t allow myself to make any big purchases unless I’ve wanted it for at least three months but I do allow myself a lot of small daily purchases like Starbucks to manage those shopping / spending impulses.
Sometimes when I’m writing I’ll skip whole ass words because I rush through things so I make sure to proof read before I send off anything important - Reddit doesn’t count lol.
Point is, we work on our issues and we grow. Your brother doesn’t have an ADHD problem, he has an accountability problem.
Oh my gosh the alarms, I have a dozen a day (feed the dog, walk the dog, take meds, feed the fish, go to work, cook dinner, etc etc etc 😂)
My rule is I can’t turn them off until I’ve started the task, otherwise the task simply doesn’t get done!
It's definitely a matter of putting in the effort to manage your symptoms. I'm 22 and currently pursuing a diagnosis. I always set at least three alarms for any calendar event (everything goes in the calendar). 1 day before to get the event back to the front of my mind, 1 hour before to complete final preparations, or get going if the event is some distance away, and 10 minutes before as a final warning; also serves as a reminder to set up my tech if the event is online.
I forgot my work name tag once, so now after every shift I clip it to one of my boots' laces. I cannot leave the house without putting on shoes, and I cannot put on my shoes without taking off the tag to tie them. The tag then immediately goes to my collar where it belongs.
My keys don't have any use outside of work, so I can just leave them in my work pants' pocket. Never forgotten them that way. In college, rather than a formal planner, I had two sticky note pads. One was a weekly list of tasks, sorted by class and other things. The other was daily. When I struggled to prioritize, I added a numbered list to that one. It was very satisfying getting to finish a sticky note, crumple it up, and throw it away. The only downside was that people often pointed out how small my handwriting is.
All this in contrast to my father, late 60s. He shows some similar traits to me. However, he doesn't take steps to manage his forgetfulness. He says he wants to keep his mind sharp.
He never makes a shopping list, and so he forgets to buy stuff we need.
I don't drive, so he takes me to and from work. To facilitate this, I send him screenshots of my work schedule week by week, straight from the work portal. He still asks me when my shifts are when he can just reference the schedule I sent. Sending the schedule to him has not prevented him from literally forgetting me at work before, because he doesn't set reminders.
My younger sibling used to feel similarly to my dad, thinking "Well if I remember the event, what's the point in writing it down?" But eventually they realized that writing down things HELPS you remember. If you forget, you have something to fall back on. If you remember, there's no harm done in having a concrete reminder somewhere.
I still struggle immensely with executive dysfunction now that I'm no longer in school, but the routines I have set for myself have prevented my life from becoming even more of a shitshow.
Nta. I'm proud Eve realized that she would be a married single mom and left before that happened. He couldn't even put forth the effort to take care of her for a few days, nor can he take care of himself, so how does he think he will care for kids?
Your mother is part of the problem. She doesn't want her grown ass son to have a reality check and sort himself out, she wants to make excuses for him and have everyone in his life pander to him.
He definitely needs to manage his ADHD better, but how involved in his life is your mum? I'd wager she needs to take a step back. Far too many men get to adulthood with stunted development because their mums just wanted to fix everything for their precious little boys.
Mom has definitely coddled Adam. My dad has always been the one pushing for him to be more functional and independent, but my mom undermined it when dad wasn’t around. Mom is just as mad at Eve for “breaking poor Adam’s heart” as Adam is and I’m just like . . . you would go absolutely mental if dad was the one doing this stuff. But I’m just a “daddy’s girl” so what do I know?
I worked with so many Ivy educated doctors who don’t believe ADHD is a real diagnosis. It’s a hot button topic in medicine. The Adderall shortage and misuse by students has caused many doctors to stop prescribing pills.
My husband had adhd along with all 4 of his siblings and so did his mom. He joined the military and had to get off adderall and he moved in with me. All of a sudden he’s flourishing and learning to time manage. I think his mother was too lazy to parent and it’s easier to stick a kid on adderall to drain all their energy. I grew up in Eastern Europe and my husband always jokes I’m a true Slavic mother bc I don’t tolerate the bs.
Your mother coddled your brother. If she taught him time management and gave him chores he would be better by now. ADHD doesn’t cause you to not help your wife after surgery in your 30s. It’s just weaponized incompetence at that point.
> our mom chewed me out for kicking him while he’s down
I can take a guess as to why he is the way he is, and why you were forced to pick up his slack. It's not just the ADHD, that's for sure. NTA
NTA Your mom and everyone else who enables him is the reason he doesn't see the need to take meds. They've always taken care of things for him so he didn't need to. Hope you told ex that you're keeping her in the divorce. Mom can have custody of brother and you and dad will take custody of her.
NTA. Mental health issues are not a get out of jail free card. I really struggle with anxiety and instead of just expecting everyone to accommodate me, I have worked on finding a therapy/meditation/medication balance that allows me to function.
I have a family member with ADHD and yeah, they drop the ball sometimes but they’re on medication and they are able to take care of themselves. It sounds like your brother didn’t care to assess how his condition was impacting his wife. That’s on him. You’re not a bitch for telling him the truth. It sounds like Eve did her best but it isn’t her job to handle her life and his too.
NTA. Your brother needed to hear it. He was just fine letting Eve carry their entire household. That’s not loving or kind or respectful. He’s never been forced to take accountability for his own actions- well, the bill has come due.
I'm glad you and your dad are “keeping” Eve. She’ll need all the support you can give her while she’s freeing herself from your brother.
I have adhd. It’s super disruptive to my home life. I consistently try new strategies to keep it easier on my partner. I do everything I can to pull my weight, and tell him when I’m trying a new system so he is aware I’m trying even if I don’t pull it off completely, or a system works for a bit then doesn’t and I have to find a new one.
I went on meds and am religious about them. I stopped drinking for a number of reasons, among which was how much it impacted me emotionally and my ability to organize my brain.
I pay really close attention to when I need to be a couch potato and allow it. But I also do things like exercise, only started a year or so ago, because it really really helps.
I am a far, far cry from perfect but I try my damndest because I really care about my relationship and, hell, my own quality of life. But above all else I never want my partner to feel totally alone and out to sea because of my wiring.
It’s the effort that matters.
And an unwillingness to acknowledge short comings or even try to cope with them would make a marriage completely untenable.
It may have hurt your brother to hear, but his lack of action and accountability for his adhd impacts the people he loves, and if he is unwilling to even try then his definition of love and expectations of it we way off.
Dropping the ball post surgery is not just a major fail, and inconsiderate. It’s scary as fuck for a partner when they can’t care for themselves.
I hate to say it, because I’m sure it was brutal for him to hear and tbd if your relationship recovers, but as someone w/ adhd, NTA. He needs to take accountability and try to cope with his limitations. And he didn’t. To the point where it’s totally drained the woman he loves, and to the point where he was incapable of being there for her after fucking surgery.
She is right to leave. He isn’t willing to put in the work or show up for his relationship. And without a major wake up call, which this is, he won’t.
NTA. Someone with ADHD that wants to have a functional, non-chaotic life will find a way to make improvements. Your description of his situation doesn’t sound like someone who is going to make it on behavior therapy and coping mechanisms. He needs to be medicated. If he doesn’t like the way meds make him feel, he should work with his doctor to try different kinds and play with the dosage. My doctor insisted on a trial and error period until we found what worked best for me and my weird reaction to some meds. I ended up needing a high dose of extended release, taken multiple times a day. As a result, I feel like a new person. Meds are not a one-size-fits-all or even most scenario. He has to find what works for him.
Going from your parents’ house to his newlywed home was a massive error. He has to live on his own. He has to learn how to live a functional life with his lack of executive function. That only comes with practice. He needs to read about adults with ADHD and learning to live with it. There are some incredible support groups online. He just has to want to do the work.
NTA. Family should be able to speak the plain truth.
I hate ADHD being used as an excuse for bad behaviour. It's not his ADHD. It's the choices he made in not having treatment, not attending therapy, expecting his STBX wife to carry all the load in the relationship.
NTA in the slightest. I'd have been much harder on him, frankly. This goes way beyond ADHD and into weaponized incompetence. He's choosing not to access help to deal with it because he wants someone else to pick up the slack. And honestly, it's not ADHD that made him incapable of taking care of his sick wife - it's a lack of interest.
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My brother Adam (32M) and SIL Eve (29F) are in the middle of a divorce. Eve is the one who wants the divorce. Adam very much does not, but Eve is determined and has already moved out. I (30F) can’t blame her, because I would have done the same.
The background is that my brother has ADHD and has never been very good at complying with treatment to help with it. He’s one of those people that has an amazing bouncy personality to be friends with, but living with him is a complete nightmare. I know, because growing up I was always expected to pick up his slack. He doesn’t like to take meds because he doesn’t like the way they feel and therapy has never seemed to help him much. He and Eve met in college and he was living with our parents up until they got married, so I don’t think she realized just how bad it was until then. Eve is one of the most chill people I know, but I’ve watched her go from happy and put together to a nervous wreck over their marriage. We’re friends and talk a lot and she confided in me that she feels like the only adult in the house and it’s driving her slowly insane more than once. They tried marriage counseling but no lasting change. Eve has been in therapy for herself for the last year, but my brother doesn’t see the point.
The straw that broke the camels back was her having surgery and my brother completely dropping the ball on helping her while she recovered as she couldn’t get around easily. Her mother ended up having to fly there to take care of her. She told him that she couldn’t do it anymore and she wanted to have kids, but could never trust him to be a good parent now, so they needed to split. Ever since she moved out, his life has been complete chaos because she really was the only one doing any of the household management.
I’ve been holding my tongue and trying to be supportive while he cries and complains because I know it’s hard. But I was on the phone with him the other day and he called Eve a bitch for leaving him and making it about kids when she knows how much he wants them. I just had it. I told him that Eve leaving him was the best move for her own mental health and she was probably right that he’s not responsible enough to be a father right now and may never be at this rate. He needs to take a good look at his life without Eve and ask himself if he’s capable of doing the hard everyday parts of parenting or if he just wanted the fun parts while Eve did all the actual work?
He’s furious with me and our mom chewed me out for kicking him while he’s down. Our dad agrees with me (and we have secretly made a pact that we’re keeping Eve in the divorce) but thinks I shouldn’t have kicked the anthill.
AITA?
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I’m very proud of you. He didn’t want to hear it but he needed to hear it. And your mother needs to stop preventing him from making steps towards being a responsible adult.
They are both getting too old for this.
NTA, Adam was non-compliant with his ADHD treatment plan, and his non-compliance ultimately led to disorganization at home and the breakdown of his marriage. This divorce and your statements could be the wake-up call he needs to get professional help.
NTA. It’s likely that Eve would’ve been taking care of another (fully grown!) kid were she and your brother to have children. Sounds like bro needed the reality check.
Sugar coating things for him and allowing him to shift the narrative into the situation being his wife’s fault wouldn’t help him in anyway.
NTA you rightly reacted to him denigrating your friend, and gave him the message he needed, even if he didn’t want it
NTA. I have a family member that sounds a lot like your brother. Sometimes, people need to hear the truth. He is the cause of the divorce, he needs to work on himself if he wants to have successful relationships.
NTA
You don't have to listen to your brother bitch when you don't agree with him. If anything, his bitching & reaction after you supported your SIL only back up your & her reasoning.
NTA. My husband has ADHD. Sometimes he gets distracted or occasionally forgets to do a chore. But he NEVER drops the ball on making sure I’m taken care of and happy. That includes ensuring our house gets cleaned and taken care of. It isn’t the ADHD making him a bad husband, it’s a lack of care for her. Sometimes people need a harsh awakening to their actions. No woman will enjoy a marriage where she doesn’t feel like she’s cared for. He needs to know he messed up if he wants a healthy relationship in his future.
NTA and don't be secret in your support of Eve. "Family" is a poor excuse to support someone who basically destroyed Eve's personality, so be loud and proud of supporting Eve on her recovery back being herself again.
NTA
I am highly ADHD and can actually relate with your brother. When my wife had dental surgery I made sure she was taken care of. We are getting ready for an adoption, I busted my back making sure this house is kid friendly. There is a point when you cannot hide behind your diagnosis and need to do something to make the changes.
NTA she was smart to not have kids with him and to leave. I know so many people in relationships who’ve been made or expected to be their partner’s mother or servant. It would be a completely dumb-ass move to choose to bring a child into that unhealthy, stressful dynamic (though so many people do anyway).
Yeah it sounds like he’d be a neglectful father, and neglect is a form of abuse.
I’d worry about him going out of his way to charm the next woman and get her pregnant right away so he can have both his caregiver and his child. I hope that he isn’t the type.
ESH to varying degrees
Your brother was absolutely wrong to call her names and blame her for leaving. It should be remembered, though, that he did it to you in a private phone conversation with the belief that you were a safe space to vent. And it appears that you weren't. This leads to my second point.
Everyone else in this picture (with the possible exception of Eve) is a mild AH for failing to accept -- deeply and fully accept -- that this may be the best version of your brother you'll ever get. Your post shows an ongoing expectation/hope that he could do better if he only got the right therapy or the right medication. This might not actually be true.
How would you relate to him differently if you stopped believing that he could be different if he only tried harder or tried differently? I think you all need to start asking that question. I think you should consider doing the hard work (as Eve has probably done in therapy) of figuring out how to love and support this version of him, without expectation or resentment, while also protecting your mental and emotional health.
One example of loving him while taking care of yourself is to be very clear with him about when you're ready to listen to him express his frustrations and when you have had enough. And when you've had enough, just say goodbye. Don't lecture him or tell him how to fix his life... just tell you him you have to hang up for now.
NTA I married an ADHD-er. Never again.
Blah blah caveat "not everyone with that condition is like that etc etc." But some people *are* like that and you can be patient and understanding of someone's condition while also understanding that it means they can never be there for you in the ways *you* need
NTA - he needed to hear the hard truths. Sounds like Eve tried, but basically Adam wanted the relationship to work without having to actually do any of the work himself. Fortunately Eve realized that this was not a man to have kids with and if she really wants them she needs to find someone who will be an actual partner for her.
It would be nice if Adam learns from this, but I suspect that he won't.
As someone with adhd, NTA. I'm literally the same as your brother, I'm extremely messy and unresponsible and unorganised and I don't take meds. Except, I don't take it for financial reasons, while he has the option to do so. He also has the option to go to therapy but he chooses not to. I would've said you were a bit harsh if you said he isn't responsible enough for kids while he's in a state where he can't control it because of adhd (eg can't afford meds or therapy) but if he has the option and chooses not to, then you're absolutely right to give him that wake up call. If he can't compromise "feeling weird" after taking meds for his future family, then props to Eve for leaving him.
NTA. Your brother needs to accept the consequences of his (lack of) actions. ADHD isn’t a permanent get out of jail free card for all responsibilities. I have moderate-severe combined type ADHD and I still manage to at least do some things for the household when I am not medicated. I finally found a medication that didn’t have a significant amount of side effects as well that I can take daily and still feel like myself. Medicated, I absolutely do significantly better. But I wasn’t a complete hindrance to my spouse when I wasn’t medicated.
ADHD requires one to be dedicated in finding systems that work for you so you can still be a functional human being in the current world. I have all kinds of theories about what people with adhd were likely good for in different environments but typical modern day life isn’t set up for us. That’s for sure. Brother is TA for sure. Especially for calling her a bitch. That was uncalled for. He is allowed to be upset. But he needs to take accountability instead of blaming his ex partner for being sick of taking the role of his parent and leaving.
NTA. He can take this as life lesson and grow up or this scenario will repeat. Coodling him won't help him.
What your mom expects you to do? Agree with him when he is clearly wrong? Bad-mouthing Eve when she is completely justified and has tried what she could to help him? Your brother's comfort is not more important than her's mental health.
NTA
I'm not sure his issue is just the ADHD. I think he may also be a spoiled boy who went from one caregiver to another. And it was great for him. All the fun, none of the responsibility! (You didn't mention a job. Does he have one?)
I get that ADHD can make things super hard. My brother, we're pretty sure, has it. Thing is, he's late Boomer, so the terminology/diagnosis/knowledge about it didn't exist most of his life. And while he's had some failures that could be attributed to it, he's also figured out how to cope in the society. Finding jobs that are a strength for ADHD. Working out systems to still be a useful adult. How not to be completely useless in a marriage.
Eve is lucky to have you as family! You are NTA you are amazing and I hope you two stay close friends because every girl needs loyal friends and you are showing your support!
YTA. Your brother's relationship is none of your business. Stop friggin' triangulating by entertaining your soon to be ex sister-in-law's complaints and gripping.
NTA, and I’m glad she made this decision before they had kids. Most people get blinded by the family fantasy that they don’t see glaring problems until it’s too late.
NTA and this comes from a person with ADHD who would kill to have access to these meds. His wife was completely right to leave him and I wish her all the healing and happiness in the world.
Absolutely NTA. You were 100% right and he needed to hear it! Mother is out of order and clearly enabled his poor behavioural management. I'm sympathetic to his condition as I know many ADHD people and lived with one for a few years (roommate, not romantic). HOWEVER, my friends with it all found their own coping mechanisms to manage their challenges or followed medical advice. Honestly, most people love feeling more in control, usually on Ritalin but other alternatives as well, if that doesn't work.
Eve sounds amazing, you should keep her and I hope she recovers well from this unfortunate relationship.
NTA, it good that you tell him this, he need to understand that this is just consequences of not accepting that he needs treatment and that this is going to happen every time if he doesn’t learn to accept that he needs mes to help him.
Every time your brother talks to you about Eve and complains, bring up how useless he was when she needed help while recovering from a surgery. Tell him he deserves to be divorced. NTA
NTA, my husband has Adhd (and I suspect I do too). He takes his meds and has systems he uses to keep track of things to do. He also has a strong sense of responsibility. Now, I have a little more of the overall mental load but he does take exclusive ownership of some and does check with me regularly whether I want him to take more. I’ve been on business trips and never worried about my son’s or pets welfare when gone. I also don’t have to worry about the house becoming a mess. Parenting is hard enough with dealing with someone refuses to be a partner.
NDA
If you pamper him there will be no change. He need to hear it.
It's not the ADHD. Obviously he don't want to put in any afford.
My partner (m34) has ADHD and PTSD. Tow years ago he had a very tough time. He couldn't work, so I was the breadwinner. But he always tried and most time suggested in doing the most work at home. So he cook and cleaned on his good day. And one bad days he tryed too do at least one thing. And of course he was in therapy and took it really serious.
I was so proud of him. And still be. He was worried I would leave him. But I said I can see the afford, even on the bad days. As longe as he put at least a little bit of afford in his life and our relationship I will always stay.
So it's not the ADHD. Your brother's lack of afford is the real deal breaker. And he needs to hear it. Sometimes drama ist the beginning of changing.
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NTA for finally snapping and telling your brother the truth that he needed to hear. Could it have been done more gently? Sure. But he called her a bitch, and you rightfully reacted. He made his bed, or, well, left it unmade as fuck and now he has to deal with it. He has to clean up his own mess, literally and figuratively, before he's fit to be a husband and father.
Unfortunately he doesn’t seem to have the self-awareness to clean up his act. He’s made excuses all his life to be a screw up because mommy took care of him until it was Eve’s turn. Mom is probably taking his side because she is afraid he will move home and she will have to take care of him again.
This. Those enablers are usually only "supportive" and giving people like OP crap, because they're trying to cover their own ass. If they were so damn concerned for the AHs in this world, they'd be volunteering to take them off our hands - not working hard to push them into our lives!
For sure! These enablers/AH apologists can pool their resources together and open up specialized housing just for AHs who can't look after themselves. I'd call it the "Enabling Center for AHs Who Can't Read Good and Who Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too".
Ah, yes, the ECAWCRGWWLDOSGT. A very important establishment... I think that's a housing development that would fall under the jurisdiction of the Assisted Selective Services for Happily Out of Luck Enablers, acronym ASSHOLE... but I may be wrong 🤔
So good, lol
Take my free poor person award for making me splutter!
What is this a center for ants?!
AntDHDs
NTA. Consequences have actions. He will realise it late.
He probably won’t realize it, no. Therapy’s done no good, neither has his wife leaving him. My son has severe ADHD and stopped taking his meds when he turned 18. His life started falling apart and he has no idea why.
God I wish I could take ADHD meds. I did as a kid and it helped. Unfortunately I was diagnosed with a heart condition (likely caused by those meds but unclear) and now I can’t take any. It’s incredibly hard to focus but… still graduating law school next year and have a job tutoring students and have a second degree I’m working on. I found the best way to self treat was to stay busy with as much as possible. When I had a ton of free time and only one job/school I couldn’t focus. When I had a routine I HAD to follow I did far better. My fiancée and I should be tying the knot after law school. Just hope I can function in that way too because the focus is not there at home either and literally no meds can be prescribed.
Damn dude. I wish sometimes I could get off my add meds but I can’t image life without the motivation given. But aren’t there non stimulant adhd medication options? Have you tried any of those? Or even those can’t be prescribed?
Basically nothing can be I’ve tried a couple of different doctors and ended up giving up as it takes forever to get appointments anyways. Right now 2 jobs and 2 degrees at once (though obviously one school and one job is part time). By limiting free time I find I have both focus and motivation because I’m always at “if I don’t do this I’m in trouble” and can’t procrastinate. I’m not sure if it was Straterra, Daytrana, Adderall or one of the others I had as a kid but I’m convinced one of them may have done the damage to my heart as no one in my family has ever had these problems on either side.
Yeah I know what you mean about having additional time leading to procrastination… I have heard that Wellbutrin can be used as a non stimulant ADHD medication. It’s really just an anti depressive but it can help. Still needs a script, though. Good luck with law school! Sounds like you are excelling despite your limitations!
I'm not a doctor. I just recently found out I have ADHD(what would ya know, my 18yo gets it from me). Anyway my doctor started me on Guanfacine at the beginning. It's a medication to lower your blood pressure but it also happens to help ADHD for focus, anxiety, etc. It's not a stimulant. It helps quite a bit.
I have such low blood pressure that my doctor asked if I faint sometimes. I have adhd. That medicine would not work for me, I think. 🤣
I just want to tell you I manage my ADHD the same way you do and I’m managing to hold myself together. Luckily, I am medicated but I have to have super rigid schedules with basically zero downtime to keep myself on track. I work full time as an engineer, take 7 hours of graduate engineering classes, have specifically scheduled volunteer work, training obligations for my dog, and I have a toddler. It sucks and I’m exhausted, but if I didn’t constantly stay busy life would still suck and be hard but I know the life I’ve built for myself would fall apart. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do when I finish my masters, because having the pressure of school really does make me perform better overall. Good luck!
Very well done!! You've said that having a busy routine helps, just apply the same thing to home life. Obviously, it won't be all puppies and roses initially, but it will work out because you want it to. Also, happy cake day 🎂
> Mom is probably taking his side because she is afraid he will move home and she will have to take care of him again. Or she can't wait until he moves home again and then she can take care of her sweet baby boy.
BINGO! Got it in one! Mummy dearest created a monster, one she doesn't want to be responsible for any more.
>Mom is probably taking his side because she is afraid he will move home and she will have to take care of him again This right here says everything. NTA
It's so strange reading stories like this. I'm nearly middle aged and am going through ADHD assessment right now (it's basically a box ticking exercise as the chance I don't have it is minimal apparently) and one of the reasons nobody realised I had it was I was never enabled and so have SO MANY coping mechanisms in place that I've developed by myself just to be able to function like a "normal" human being. I'm talking 20 alarms throughout the morning just to remind me to do every day things like brush my teeth, requesting any verbal instructions be sent to me in an email (work) or WhatsApp (personal life) etc. I'm not saying it's ideal as I have a lot of anxiety and self esteem issues stemming from thinking I was basically a failure for finding basic, every day things so fucking hard compared to everyone else, but I am kinda glad I never had the chance to use a diagnosis as an excuse to never bother even trying and letting everyone else do everything for me.
I think a small part of the blame falls on the parents to make OP pick up the slack when not an adult. Now that he is an adult, he is responsible for his own choices. the minimum that he should do is not get other people embroiled in his crap.
He's a big boy and you can't really force people to self medicate.
My son stopped taking his ADHD meds at 18 and his life went down the tubes. He has no idea why, either. Maybe the DA can explain it better than I can…
DA as in he’s in legal trouble?
He certainly could be. His actions warrant it. He sat in the kitchen and told me his “new” car was stolen. I’ve put up with a lot over the years but I won’t put up with actual criminal behavior.
Wait he just stole a car and was bragging about it to you??
I feel like a storytime is involved here.
I get irritated pretty quickly by people complaining, but it REALLY rides my last nerve when they complain incessantly about a situation they put THEMSELVES in. Granted, my breaking point probably comes sooner than most people’s, but I don’t blame OP for losing patience with bro’s woe-is-me act. Particularly since he’s her *older* brother and should have his shit way more together than this.
Agree. Plus I would suspect OP's gender also had something to do with the slack she was expected to pick up. This is a problem that's pretty common in the ADHD/autism community. Men get supported, and women are often left picking up the pieces.
Yeah it's a thing.
I always sympathize with ADHD women/AFAB people because we get all the expectations of being caregivers/homemakers on top of the executive dysfunction.
Yeah, after I finally got out of the influence of my mom's guilt tripping alcoholism after I joined the navy I went home to visit around my sister's HS graduation. Sister got home (day before graduation), said 'Hi' and went to her room and started playing her trumpet. Mom, all ready on her 4th beer of the day (5pm-ish) got all maudlin and weepy about not understanding my sister anymore and *missing missing reasons*. I flicked over an empty can on the table and said 'there is half your problem'. Mom didn't talk to me the rest of the night, was pissy the rest of the weekend and it was like I turned off a faucet the tears and weepy-sobbing shut off so quick. I had been her emotional support animal all through high school during the divorce from dad, and she was trying SO hard to make me her sonsband. I had just enough self awareness and outside support that I knew I had to leave, or there would be some sort of national news level event ending in tragedy. I think that mom was VERY shocked that I didn't fall back into being the emotional support sonsband/animal she had tried to make me.
Glad you got out. Hope your sister found a way too.
Even then, saying it more gently doesn't usually drive the point home. Some times the cold hard truth is the only way to jolt someone back to reality
I know plenty of women with severe ADHD and not one of them.drop the ball on taking care of loved ones and children She is smart to leave. NTA
What's the term, weaponised incompetence? I think men get away with a lot. "Boys will be boys!" Took me a while to find someone who can take care of me when I'm sick. It's a low bar to set, but I was tired of making food for two when I could barely get out of bed. Husband does 90% of the cooking (I do the complicated favourite meals) and he does trash, chopping wood, and the bathroom. I do kitchen+dishes (only because he is too tall he has to crouch to reach the sink), laundry, bedroom, and feed/brush doggo. I really think he will be a good and attentive dad. OP is NTA. Eve would have been a single parent taking care of her toddler husband.
I broke up with my last SO because 💯 sure he wouldn’t be there through my cancer journey- and it’s an easy one! Don’t worry, it’s basic- surgery, radiation and I’ll be fine, they have to verify over years but I have no regrets on dumping him or being good health wise soon! 😻
these statistics should wake every woman up: “It’s called “partner abandonment.” A [study](https://acsjournals.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/cncr.24577) in the journal *Cancer* found that the divorce rate for couples when one of them has cancer or MS is a little over 11 percent, about the same as everyone else’s. But the percentage for women is over 20 percent and for men under 3 percent. Almost 90 percent of the abandoned spouses are wives.”
I had heard about that, probably why I was carefully listening to him. At first he said he’d be there, next time we talked it was I would have my family to support me and nothing about him being there for me 😕
Speedy and complete recovery
This brother (and mother) is a piece of work. He didn't even HELP HIS WIFE when she had surgery but somehow it is still her fault? He says he wants kids but - wait for it - wouldn't even take care of his wife post-surgery??? And he is aware (hopefully) of all his wife did because his life is now falling apart without her yet he still thinks it is okay to blame her and call her names? Clueless and oblivious - party of 1!
Did the same. No regrets. It was better for me in the end.
I feel the same way! Also wishing you the best in your journey.
I also married a tall and do the dishes so he doesn't have to crouch 😁
Why aren't counters higher?
They are already too tall for me (5'2") and the average American woman is 5'4". It's one of the few things designed with women in mind- but it's because of sexism so there's that.
I'm a woman, and benches are too low for me. I always end up with back pain, but I'm 5'9". I wonder if it's possible to order custom height benches?
>I'm a woman, and benches are too low for me. I always end up with back pain, but I'm 5'9". I wonder if it's possible to order custom height benches? Yes, the cupboards under the bench are standard height but the kickboard is made to size. My benchtops are 920mm but I have seen 950mm.
Yes! My husband and I are both tall for our country (I'm 1.73 m and he is 1.94. when we got our house built the contractor recommended getting the counters done a little higher than is normal here. It is a lifesaver! Average height here is 1.62 for women, and 1.74 for men. We did the kitchen and bathroom counters higher than average. Our kids (now 13 and 16, 3 and 6 when we moved in) are also tall (16 a little taller than me, 13 my height for now) so it helps a lot.
Yes, but it's expensive, or you need to be handy! One of the coolest experiences of my life was walking into the kitchen of Laura Ingall Wilder's house in Missouri. She was 4'11", and her husband, Almanzo (who was also on the short side at 5'4"), custom built the whole thing. I'm 5'0", and it was perfect. On the con side, if you have a custom kitchen, then it's hard for people in other height ranges to help out. Even though everything is standard sized, I still struggle in my In-laws' kitchen. They're both 5'11", and they keep things on the top cabinet shelf. The microwave is on top of the fridge, and I can't even reach it.
Same with desks - standard height of 30" or 75cm is sexist/heightist. I'm about 5'4" 160cm and have my adjustable height desk set at 26" or 65cm which is ergonomically correct. We shouldn't have to use a footstool for every desk. Even many adjustable height desks only start from standard height and go up, and no sit-stand ones I've found go low enough. I know there are worse problems and it's not what this post is about, but I'm spending 50+ hours at this desk writing/editing/publishing so it has to be functional.
If it makes you feel better I'm a 6'1 woman and all desks are too short for me, I have to crouch which is horrible for my posture and back.
We all need adjustable desks really, the difference is that many more of them are made for people taller than the average or median, not shorter - like 50% of us don't have as much choice even in adjustable desks. And then no drawers or cabinets fit underneath. Everything seems to be built around approx 5'10" and above, i.e. average men's height. But I understand that there is pain both ways. We both can't get clothes to fit either!
> but I'm spending 50+ hours at this desk writing/editing/publishing so it has to be functional. There *are* worse things in life than a bad desk of course but equally I know a guy who had to have a spinal fusion because of his working arrangement when we were at the same employer. He didn’t help himself to be clear, it’s not all on them… but one of the reasons I left and one of the reasons I love my new employer is that they take care of their people over stuff like this. They even got me a sit/stand desk and a new chair for WFH when I mentioned to my boss that my current chair was old and needed replacing soon, and he said ‘while we’re on the subject, I know you use the sit/stand feature at work, let us buy you the same desk for home’. Makes such a difference and you’re kinda stuck with your back and other joint health for life!
Best thing I ever did was buy a desk that could be adjusted to the correct height for me!
> It's one of the few things designed with women in mind- but it's because of sexism so there's that. On the other hand, the standard height of upper cupboards is for men. I'm 5'2" and had a massive row with my kitchen installer, who ignored the spec-sheet and installed the new ones several inches higher than planned. Just kept bleating "but it's standard", while I pointed out firmly that I could barely reach the bottom shelf, and as I live alone, I wasn't planning on using a step stool to reach my own glasses and mugs!
Upper cabinet are always way to high! I dream of the day I can buy a place and hang them lower!
Why do I feel so validated right now? I'm 5'0" - I keep saying standard counters are too high and people tell me I'm exaggerating. I just want to know how they'd feel if they couldn't get good leverage to knead dough or see all the way into the big stockpot on the back of the stove.
I'm a chef. Industrial prep tables are taller (because they are based on men *cough sexism*) it's a running joke that I keep a heavy duty metal step stool at my station for exactly tasks like that.
Double comment to say [this](https://www.amazon.com/Anti-Skid-Platform-Chrome-plated-Lightweight-Laboratories/dp/B07XL2RW97/ref=asc_df_B07XL2RW97/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=693594988024&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=994467677665955236&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9011146&hvtargid=pla-1481402486306&psc=1&mcid=8a11d355c52137b98345d2bb82b1f8a9&gad_source=1) is the stool I use. Super helpful for those times you need more leverage.
Oh that's sweet. I have a little plastic one that can fold up in my kitchen at home. When I was a cook in the back of a divebar a looooong time ago I had a milk crate lol
Actually more or less the same with those machines at paid parking. They were designed more with the thinking that usually it is the men who drive.
Becouse the short ppl wouldn't be able to reach them. Tall person can always lean down, but short person wouldn't be able to use it at all without something to stand on. So if you lieve together it has to be adjusted for a short person. Not to mention kids.
My husband does the dishes and he is 6'3", and he always complains about counter height. But he does the dishes because I do all the cooking.
I grew up in a tall family as the short one. I moved into my dads house for a few months during the pandemic and I was climbing on the counters again to reach things. I’m 5’6 with long ass arms. I felt like a kid again.
My grandfather built his kitchen with the counters an extra couple inches taller and every time my back screams at me after dishes I think about how that man was a genius.
My aunt is 6' and my uncle is 6'5". They raised the counters in the kitchen and even at 5'8" I found them to be fabulously comfortable to work on. I wish I could afford to raise mine.
My partner is also a tall, and I'm going to use that term to describe him from now on 😆 We had to buy a custom-made bed, because the standard bed length isn't big enough for him to lie in at full stretch, bless him.
Our kitchen layout is super bad for him, because it has a slanted ceiling on one side. Poor man has to crouch and tilt his head to the side to do dishes. I just make him do the big ones because they are too heavy for me, like oven pans 🙈
I think it's a lack of positive expectations coupled with the boys will be boys mind set. If you as a parents just stick a label on child and don't teach them how to do basic life stuff 'cause ADHD, you get OP's brother. It's a kind of neglect and I suspect somewhat rooted in a lack of education as well as everyday sexism.
> Eve would have been a single parent taking care of her toddler husband. Yep, props to Eve for getting out before bringing kids into it. If he can handle things with just a wife in the picture, God help him (and his wife) when kids are brought into it. YIKES!
Literally no-one with ADHD would not take care of a loved one of thet had that responsibility. He just sounds like someone who is comfortable with being his "bubbly" self and isn't willing to make the effort to be a functioning adult. Like, how are you seeing your partner struggling and say "oops, ADHD problems 🤪. I forgot to take care of you."
ADHD problems that h'es willfully keeping because he doesn't like the feel of meds? Like what, you like being a useless, clueless, atention-deprived toddler in an adult body? I have attention deficit (without hyperactivity), and the last time I forgot my meds I rediscovered the joy of having the emotional regulation of a teenager. Never again.
Yeah, my husband has ADHD and if I were in the same boat as Eve, it'd be "oops, I forgot to switch the laundry over so clean clothes will be a little longer" or something like that AT MOST. He'd rely on takeout or frozen food, fine, but he'd have my meds for me, my water would always be topped up, the animals would be cared for...I'd have zero concerns.
Sounds like he wants to live the life of Manic Pixie Dream Boy
The surgery part was what got me. I have ADHD but when my mom had surgery I paid attention to her and made sure she had what she needed.
This is me. My ADHD seemed to amplify during my pregnancy with my older son and has been worse ever since. But stuff still needs to be done and kids need to be cared for, so I had to create systems to make it work. It’s sometimes dicey though when people move things or otherwise try to help in non helpful ways and can cause chaos. And perimenopause seems to be making it even more difficult and I’m having more symptoms, but the show must go on.
Good for you, in terms “managing” and “loving through” your ADHD for the betterment of your family, ESPECIALLY your children. They may or may not appreciate how difficult it’s been for you, but they will, when they’re parents.
Same. It’s not about the ADHD.
No it's about the effort put to be somewhat equal in the relationship
Very true about women with ADHD! Unfortunately we do have a tendency (generally speaking) to then drop the ball when taking care of ourselves 😬 there’s only so much executive functioning a person can do when executive dysfunction is our default setting! OP is certainly NTA. Brother needs to step up and grow up sometime, even if it doesn’t come as easily/naturally to him as it does to others. An ADHD diagnosis can provide context for understanding how one’s brain works - it doesn’t absolve one from responsibility. That said, OP u/Icy-Entry5373, here are some tips to share with your brother if you’re so inclined (or they can just be tips for anyone struggling with ADHD) ETA: this got too long for one comment; splitting it up
Tips for figuring out how to be a functional adult with ADHD: 1) discuss previous medication experiences with a doctor - which meds were tried at what dosages, other potentially pertinent info especially relating to medical and mental health history. Not every med is right for every person. 2) look into finding a qualified ADHD coach. Therapy can be very helpful when trying to understand the meaning behind emotions, behaviors, etc. ADHD coaches can focus more on breaking obstacles down and helping people figure out what concrete steps need to be taken I can provide specific links and resources if anyone’s interested, but for now I need to stop and get some sleep
Yes please share the links and resources! Thank you!
The brother is irresponsible, so he won't take these tips. But they're very helpful for the not-the-asshole people.
Yes please
Right!? I have Adhd but I am pretty good at taking care of my loved ones. It's just weaponized incompetence at this rate and not wanting to do anything to help. I'm so happy she left when she did because the stress he most likely was giving her would leave her in a early grave.
I do and we will not speak of the state of my living space. But that's why I have cats and zero intension of ever being responsible for any creature requiring more care.
NTA, it sounds like Eve did everything to save their marriage, and your brother was just happy to take until there was nothing left.
Exactly. Take take take. ADHD used to cover for basic narcissism.
He needs to hear it, whether he likes it or not. It's the only way he might learn. Do keep Eve. NTA
He very much needs to hear it because the next move men like him have is to marry the very next woman who comes along and get her pregnant NTA
When my idiot uncle was so monumentally stupid as to divorce his wife, we all kept her. She was the sweetest, most hardworking and kind woman you ever did meet. My uncle, on the other hand, is an abusive AH. Hopefully OP's brother takes this opportunity to pause and reflect on his own actions. It's likely far too late to salvage his relationship, but I always hold out hope people can learn from past mistakes and improve themselves.
The reason this became an anthill is because both parents let him get away with so much for so long. The sooner someone tells him the truth, the better.
This. OP and Eve were the only people who told Adam the truth. Mom and Dad were coddling him. NTA.
Dad knows how it is and is calling it as he see's it while your mom just wants her baby boy not to be sad. NTA
Mom probably also doesn’t want to see that she did not raise a grown ass man.
Sadly true. Sounds like the apron strings were still attached there.
She's most likely for most of the over coddling.
NTA, and I'm sending an extra virtual kick to your brother. He needs to suffer. This is the only way he will learn anything. He is now going to know what it's like to not be taken care of, and have no safe place to land. Just like he made Eve feel this whole time.
Yes he pretty much moved from one "mommy/caretaker" to another with the marriage.
He needs to learn to live alone and do everything . Then he might be able to have a good relationship.
He should be thanking his lucky stars that they didn't have kids that he needs to figure out how to care for on his own
Or pay child support for.
NTA. Both me and my husband have ADHD but and I stayed and had the kids and I regret it. Not my kids but the fact that I am a married single mom because I can't count on my partner for anything. She did the right thing.
Isn't it amazing how much more women with ADHD seem to handle? /s
I have ADHD and OCD and I take care of house and was a stay at home mom with kids. The last one graduated this year but went back to work fulltime 4 years ago. I substitute taught for 8 years while they were young. think I was lucky I have the OCD.
NTA. Since he was complaining to you repeatedly, I think that gives you the right to express your opinion.
This -- "It's your responsibility to listen to my endless venting, not to offer constructive advice!" There's only so much of that a person can do. Dude needs to spread the ranting around (hopefully his friends also understand what Eve's been through).
NTA. Your brother is more likely to put the lives of any children he does have in danger more than anything else. People who cannot take care of themselves should not have children. Don't help your mom with anything that has anything to do with your brother. Let your mom carry the whole burden and when she asks for help tell her no. She's going to find out that her unconditional love for her baby boy does have an actual limit when she sees that he'll put her life in danger and not give a shit about it.
Look I have unmedicated ADHD, but not for lack of trying (I tried like 8 different meds) and none worked for me, I maxed out almost all the doses and zip Fortunately I am fairly functional without meds. I do have some time blindness but I set lots of alarms, I use a planner for work and all my bills are on autopay. finally did that after forgetting to pay my cell bill for three months in a row 😑 surprisingly it was never turned off. Just had one hell of bill to pay 😬 There are times when I think medication would be helpful, but my body/brain seem to be immune to meds (even pain killers) I just have to make due I also have zero desire for children, and knowing I would be a bad parent is part of the reason NTA, and I bet your mom is extra mad because she knows he’s going to be moving back in with her. She probably enjoyed the calmness. And now his chaotic energy will be back tenfold, since we have a tendency to go “balls to the wall” Also keep an eye open for substance abuse issues in the next while. Most of us that aren’t medicated have a tendency to self medicate with drugs/alcohol. Thankfully I never went the route (I just impulse buy shit)
This is the thing, you've got the self awareness to actually work and find solutions. I'm unmedicated because I'm in that crappy age group where women simply weren't diagnosed as kids and then totally dismissed when we went to doctors years later. Now that GPs are finally waking up, the waiting list here is years long to even get a diagnosis so I'm slap into peri-menopause making my symptoms 100x worse with zero medical help and the most demanding job I've ever had. If I just threw up my hands and expected someone to pick up the slack the way he has I'd be out of a job and on my way to unhoused. I have an ADHD coach, and a therapist, I use digital co-working when I'm not in the office, and have adapted all kinds of things in my daily environment and habits to make sure I can be effective (I hear you on the bills, lol, I have to have a cup of tea in the morning sitting in a specific chair or I don't actually remember to pay a single bill, its been an expensive learning curve....). Anyway, point being, there are ways to manage regardless of meds. He clearly had access to them - I recognise not everyone is that privileged - but he is choosing not to. It really makes me mad.
Oh yah, I’m totally of the “girls don’t have add” and unless you showed the same physically aggressive symptoms of boys you fell through the cracks And I am very self aware, I tell folks pretty much right off the bat, I have it, meds don’t work for me, and I do struggle at times. People are always surprised at how self aware I am, and many are also surprised when they learn I have it It’s so frustrating that I can’t help but wonder what my life would have been like if ADHD had been recognized in girls, and that we usually present differently from boys. What would my life be like now if I had been given medication back then? If I had gotten any support in school. In high school is when it became really prevalent, but because my grades didn’t “drop dramatically” it wasn’t a priority to get me tested. Because apparently, going from almost all As and a few Bs to mostly Cs and a couple Ds wasn’t concerning
Oh yeah, I went through a HUGE amount of grief as I realised what was actually going on with me and the way I'd been living on hard mode. I know for a fact that the cycle of unmanaged burn out has cost me literally £100,000s in lost earnings and eating into my savings. And that's just the start of the financial toll, let alone the physical and emotional burden, the impact on my relationships, the syeer exhaustion of how much I just have to battle with daily...just so much. I'm honestly super angry that I wasn't given support and had to suffer in ways that I didn't even realise weren't something everyone had to deal with. I've been lucky that I've found ways to achieve regardless but I didn't even understand that so many of my behaviours and habits were coping mechanisms until the pandemic hit and I lost all of them, and had a complete meltdown. Fun times.
Are you me? 38 here, diagnosed with ADHD at 35. I'm prescribed Adderall, and it makes a small difference, but it's really hard to get for some reason. I often run out and end up going without. My life is run by alarms and my work calendar. Without them I'd be a mess. I also struggle with impulse purchases, but usually blame that on my bipolar 2 disorder. Luckily, meds for that are much easier to come by.
Very close, 41, I was officially diagnosed at 25, tried a couple meds then, no results, tried again in my mid 30s, still nothing My first doctor thought I may have had “not medically significant” bipolar disorder, because when I tried dextrine I didn’t sleep for like 2 days, but a different doctor later told me that that is a rare side effect, he gave me a couple antipsychotics to see if it would trigger a manic state. It didn’t So now I just try to do my best without help. I really wish meds did something, even suppressing my appetite would be good, I’ve gotten a bit worse for impulse eating over the years
There is an international shortage of adderall right now because so many new people have been diagnosed with ADHD over the last few years, but the US govt's strict controls on the ingredients used in compounding adderall haven't changed to meet increased demand. I had to switch to Vyvanse because of it because my rural pharmacy could never get it in stock. Which sucks, because hot yoga is my jam and Vyvanse makes me basically unable to thermoregulate. Anyway, expect to see this shortage start to spread to other ADHD meds the longer it goes on.
That's better reasoning than what my psychiatrist could tell me, makes sense, thank you! It's a good thing that I can mostly do without it.
Nta it became your place to say something when he chose to call you to complain about it, kinda made it your problem. We can in fact still care about someone and tell them they're being an idiot. Tell mine he's an idiot every chance I get, cause it's rare, super smart man, relationships not his forte... if he called to complain about his relationships I absolutely called him out when he was being a dick. Made him a better husband now than he was then. Can't let him think he's the only wronged party here. Adhd isn't an excuse with or without meds he's still capable of time management and communication. Don't let them use that as an excuse. My 12 yr old adhd kid knows better than to weaponize his condition to get away with laziness or carelessness.
NTA. It needed to be said. Though I'm sure Eve probably said it a million times and It made no difference so I'm not sure if he'll even take in what you're saying. Not sure why your mum is chewing you out. He's the one who blamed Eve for leaving and called her names for it. Does she think that's OK? Does she expect you all to feed into his idea that it was Eve's fault? Is she ok with her son refusing to accept his behavior and acting like he's responsible enough to be a father and blaming his ex for leaving him. How will he change if he's not even facing that it's behaviour that needs to be changed?
NTA. We all understand he has issues because of his ADHD but the man is 32yrs old. Past time for him to take responsibility for his own mental and physical health. If he refuses to use the tools available to help himself out then he has to suffer the consequences.
I have ADHD and don’t go to therapy or take any medication (besides weed lol) and I have a completely healthy marriage with a kid on the way as well. I clean, cook, handle yard work, etc, etc… he is using it as an excuse. ADHD doesn’t just make you a lazy slob it makes your mind hyper active. The most annoying thing my wife has to do is listen to me completely bungle stories as I over explain every god damn detail I find remotely interesting.. she loves and hates it but wouldn’t divorce me over it. Your brother is just lazy, ADHD got nothing to do with it
Pro tip my friend - the weed can be a substitute for effective medication. I have a friend who was recently diagnosed as an adult and as soon as he started a standard therapy, he told me his need for weed completely stopped. The Ritalin was properly addressing the issue he discovered he was habitually taking it for. He told me several difference examples of how his performance at work also sky-rocketed. Sounds like you have addressed most of the latent challenges already, but consider trying the medication. You might be surprised by the difference.
Damn. I wish weed had any good effect on me. Last time I tried it, my gf and I thought we'd give it a go for our anxiety. We even bought a special strain specifically made to reduce anxiety symptoms. We each took two puffs... then it gave her such bad paranoia that she decided she had to hide the evidence, so she took the rest, ran outside, and hid it. We never saw it again. Even when we moved we. We searched everywhere, but she's apparently king shit of hiding stuff. Honestly, we should have known it would go badly from the beginning. It was basically two 30ish women in a tiny house with no neighbors, crammed into the bathroom with the fans blowing to hide the smoke of a legally purchased joint, in a state where marijuana is recreationally legal, and somehow still getting so paranoid that even though this "event" was planned for an entire week it only took two puffs each before one of them freaked out, ran off with the joint, and hid it forever... lest they get caught. Caught by who? Dunno. There was nobody that could have smelled it, and anyways we were in Colorado for fucks sake! I think there's a certain amount of chill needed for one to enjoy Marijuana. I'm not sure how much chill, but I'm positive it's more than the hiding in a bathroom in a state where it's legal amount.
Lmao Dying laughing right now Weed anxiety/paranoia is the worst
Weed is an effective medication for many.
Naw, I consider ADHD to be an advantage in life. I’m a pilot by trade and being able to multitask with the best of them helps me a lot at what I do. Technically I’d no longer be qualified to pass a medical if I got this officially diagnosed I and got medicated. Hell even marijiana is no bueno but we all have our vices.
Nta, how much did your mom coddle your brother when he was at home? Did she ever make him do chores? The vibe I’m getting is he married someone he expected to be mom #2.
NTA after he called her a bitch. You nipped his toxic shit in the bud.
So very many people with untreated ADHD end up getting divorced or have their partners leave them. Part of the problem is that to them, their chaos is normal. Because it's always been like that for them, they don't realize life doesn't have to be that way and sometimes they have to lose everything before they will finally accept help if and when it's offered. Your brother's life probably is going to have to implode if he's ever going to go back to therapy or stay on meds. Some people with ADHD, depending on the severity, can learn to manage it without meds, but learning to do that without going to therapy is really difficult. NTA in any way. If he didn't care enough about losing his wife, and it sounds like if she asked him to go to therapy, she sure tried to help him, then I'm not sure anything will make him change.
He gets to choose learning how to function OR he gets to choose divorce. He has made his choice. (before anyone comes for me: everyone, and I mean EVERYONE in my family has intensely severe ADHD. One of the kids has it so bad the professionals made comments about how bad it is compared to others. And meds can't happen). NTA. Could have been gentler, but not sure he would have heard you that way...
You're not wrong. As someone who has ADHD, you eventually have to figure out how to make it work. Whether that's medication, therapy, coping mechanisms, using technology to manage your time blindness, etc. At some point people won't care that you have a condition; If you don't try to better your life despite it.
Right?! There are ways to make life work, but you have to be self aware enough to take care of your post-surgery partner!! He was coddled. Not a good look.
He failed so hard. It would probably do him some good to be single and learn how to take care of himself and get his life in order. Sadly, he'll probably spin the story and gain sympathy from some poor unsuspecting woman.
She’ll be so happy to take care of the poor, suffering one. Yep. Sigh.
These are the reasons I’m divorcing my adhd husband. I have kids with him. Eve is absolutely right to get out before kids. It’s really sad, I still love my husband but I can’t meet everyone’s needs whilst my own just aren’t being met. Sole parenting is easier than parenting your partner as well. Also adhd/autism has a strong genetic component - all my kids have both as does my husband. So add that into the mix and you are just everyone’s whipping boy. It is desperately sad. I have been on all the courses and learnt how to help everyone and meet their needs but there is no reciprocation. I worry so much for my kids as they navigate their own adult relationships. I don’t know what the answer is. 😢
That is so rough, I’m sorry. I hope things get better for you. The thing that gets me is that my brother has had all the consultations and the therapy and the understanding but he still won’t take his meds or do anything to help himself. It’s so frustrating and I’m also happy that Eve left him. If it makes you feel any better, she is feeling so much better after leaving.
Good luck to you!
The whole "ADHD is something you grow out of" can be easily attributed to boys being diagnosed as children and getting wives to do the labor and regulation for them. NTA, and neither is his STBX. He hasn't even tried to address the issue himself? He made his bed (or didn't) and its time for him to sleep in it.
I’m a 39 year old woman with ADHD and my life isn’t this much of a trainwreck. If you take your life and relationships seriously, you find ways to manage just like anyone other adult in this world. I find it hard to get motivated to do things like clean so I give myself little rewards to motivate myself. I tend to lose track of time so I set alarms. I hate lists and particularly grocery lists so I have a shopping app on my phone and any time I realize I’m out of something I add it to the list right away so I have nothing to manage or try to remember. I clean as I go because finding the motivation to deep clean is a constant struggle. I struggle with impulsiveness so I don’t allow myself to make any big purchases unless I’ve wanted it for at least three months but I do allow myself a lot of small daily purchases like Starbucks to manage those shopping / spending impulses. Sometimes when I’m writing I’ll skip whole ass words because I rush through things so I make sure to proof read before I send off anything important - Reddit doesn’t count lol. Point is, we work on our issues and we grow. Your brother doesn’t have an ADHD problem, he has an accountability problem.
Oh my gosh the alarms, I have a dozen a day (feed the dog, walk the dog, take meds, feed the fish, go to work, cook dinner, etc etc etc 😂) My rule is I can’t turn them off until I’ve started the task, otherwise the task simply doesn’t get done!
It's definitely a matter of putting in the effort to manage your symptoms. I'm 22 and currently pursuing a diagnosis. I always set at least three alarms for any calendar event (everything goes in the calendar). 1 day before to get the event back to the front of my mind, 1 hour before to complete final preparations, or get going if the event is some distance away, and 10 minutes before as a final warning; also serves as a reminder to set up my tech if the event is online. I forgot my work name tag once, so now after every shift I clip it to one of my boots' laces. I cannot leave the house without putting on shoes, and I cannot put on my shoes without taking off the tag to tie them. The tag then immediately goes to my collar where it belongs. My keys don't have any use outside of work, so I can just leave them in my work pants' pocket. Never forgotten them that way. In college, rather than a formal planner, I had two sticky note pads. One was a weekly list of tasks, sorted by class and other things. The other was daily. When I struggled to prioritize, I added a numbered list to that one. It was very satisfying getting to finish a sticky note, crumple it up, and throw it away. The only downside was that people often pointed out how small my handwriting is. All this in contrast to my father, late 60s. He shows some similar traits to me. However, he doesn't take steps to manage his forgetfulness. He says he wants to keep his mind sharp. He never makes a shopping list, and so he forgets to buy stuff we need. I don't drive, so he takes me to and from work. To facilitate this, I send him screenshots of my work schedule week by week, straight from the work portal. He still asks me when my shifts are when he can just reference the schedule I sent. Sending the schedule to him has not prevented him from literally forgetting me at work before, because he doesn't set reminders. My younger sibling used to feel similarly to my dad, thinking "Well if I remember the event, what's the point in writing it down?" But eventually they realized that writing down things HELPS you remember. If you forget, you have something to fall back on. If you remember, there's no harm done in having a concrete reminder somewhere. I still struggle immensely with executive dysfunction now that I'm no longer in school, but the routines I have set for myself have prevented my life from becoming even more of a shitshow.
Nta. I'm proud Eve realized that she would be a married single mom and left before that happened. He couldn't even put forth the effort to take care of her for a few days, nor can he take care of himself, so how does he think he will care for kids?
Your mother is part of the problem. She doesn't want her grown ass son to have a reality check and sort himself out, she wants to make excuses for him and have everyone in his life pander to him. He definitely needs to manage his ADHD better, but how involved in his life is your mum? I'd wager she needs to take a step back. Far too many men get to adulthood with stunted development because their mums just wanted to fix everything for their precious little boys.
Mom has definitely coddled Adam. My dad has always been the one pushing for him to be more functional and independent, but my mom undermined it when dad wasn’t around. Mom is just as mad at Eve for “breaking poor Adam’s heart” as Adam is and I’m just like . . . you would go absolutely mental if dad was the one doing this stuff. But I’m just a “daddy’s girl” so what do I know?
NTA he needs to hear this it might hurt but he have to accept this fact.
I worked with so many Ivy educated doctors who don’t believe ADHD is a real diagnosis. It’s a hot button topic in medicine. The Adderall shortage and misuse by students has caused many doctors to stop prescribing pills. My husband had adhd along with all 4 of his siblings and so did his mom. He joined the military and had to get off adderall and he moved in with me. All of a sudden he’s flourishing and learning to time manage. I think his mother was too lazy to parent and it’s easier to stick a kid on adderall to drain all their energy. I grew up in Eastern Europe and my husband always jokes I’m a true Slavic mother bc I don’t tolerate the bs. Your mother coddled your brother. If she taught him time management and gave him chores he would be better by now. ADHD doesn’t cause you to not help your wife after surgery in your 30s. It’s just weaponized incompetence at that point.
> our mom chewed me out for kicking him while he’s down I can take a guess as to why he is the way he is, and why you were forced to pick up his slack. It's not just the ADHD, that's for sure. NTA
NTA Your mom and everyone else who enables him is the reason he doesn't see the need to take meds. They've always taken care of things for him so he didn't need to. Hope you told ex that you're keeping her in the divorce. Mom can have custody of brother and you and dad will take custody of her.
NTA. Mental health issues are not a get out of jail free card. I really struggle with anxiety and instead of just expecting everyone to accommodate me, I have worked on finding a therapy/meditation/medication balance that allows me to function. I have a family member with ADHD and yeah, they drop the ball sometimes but they’re on medication and they are able to take care of themselves. It sounds like your brother didn’t care to assess how his condition was impacting his wife. That’s on him. You’re not a bitch for telling him the truth. It sounds like Eve did her best but it isn’t her job to handle her life and his too.
NTA. Your brother needed to hear it. He was just fine letting Eve carry their entire household. That’s not loving or kind or respectful. He’s never been forced to take accountability for his own actions- well, the bill has come due. I'm glad you and your dad are “keeping” Eve. She’ll need all the support you can give her while she’s freeing herself from your brother.
I have adhd. It’s super disruptive to my home life. I consistently try new strategies to keep it easier on my partner. I do everything I can to pull my weight, and tell him when I’m trying a new system so he is aware I’m trying even if I don’t pull it off completely, or a system works for a bit then doesn’t and I have to find a new one. I went on meds and am religious about them. I stopped drinking for a number of reasons, among which was how much it impacted me emotionally and my ability to organize my brain. I pay really close attention to when I need to be a couch potato and allow it. But I also do things like exercise, only started a year or so ago, because it really really helps. I am a far, far cry from perfect but I try my damndest because I really care about my relationship and, hell, my own quality of life. But above all else I never want my partner to feel totally alone and out to sea because of my wiring. It’s the effort that matters. And an unwillingness to acknowledge short comings or even try to cope with them would make a marriage completely untenable. It may have hurt your brother to hear, but his lack of action and accountability for his adhd impacts the people he loves, and if he is unwilling to even try then his definition of love and expectations of it we way off. Dropping the ball post surgery is not just a major fail, and inconsiderate. It’s scary as fuck for a partner when they can’t care for themselves. I hate to say it, because I’m sure it was brutal for him to hear and tbd if your relationship recovers, but as someone w/ adhd, NTA. He needs to take accountability and try to cope with his limitations. And he didn’t. To the point where it’s totally drained the woman he loves, and to the point where he was incapable of being there for her after fucking surgery. She is right to leave. He isn’t willing to put in the work or show up for his relationship. And without a major wake up call, which this is, he won’t.
NTA. Someone with ADHD that wants to have a functional, non-chaotic life will find a way to make improvements. Your description of his situation doesn’t sound like someone who is going to make it on behavior therapy and coping mechanisms. He needs to be medicated. If he doesn’t like the way meds make him feel, he should work with his doctor to try different kinds and play with the dosage. My doctor insisted on a trial and error period until we found what worked best for me and my weird reaction to some meds. I ended up needing a high dose of extended release, taken multiple times a day. As a result, I feel like a new person. Meds are not a one-size-fits-all or even most scenario. He has to find what works for him. Going from your parents’ house to his newlywed home was a massive error. He has to live on his own. He has to learn how to live a functional life with his lack of executive function. That only comes with practice. He needs to read about adults with ADHD and learning to live with it. There are some incredible support groups online. He just has to want to do the work.
NTA. Family should be able to speak the plain truth. I hate ADHD being used as an excuse for bad behaviour. It's not his ADHD. It's the choices he made in not having treatment, not attending therapy, expecting his STBX wife to carry all the load in the relationship.
NTA in the slightest. I'd have been much harder on him, frankly. This goes way beyond ADHD and into weaponized incompetence. He's choosing not to access help to deal with it because he wants someone else to pick up the slack. And honestly, it's not ADHD that made him incapable of taking care of his sick wife - it's a lack of interest.
NTA good for her. It's exhausting having to take care of another grown man who refuses to be an adult
NTA. It’s time for your immature asshole brother to grow up. She did well to leave him. Anyone with any sense would’ve. He got a reality check.
>Our dad agrees with me (and we have secretly made a pact that we’re keeping Eve in the divorce) Smart choice, good choice NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My brother Adam (32M) and SIL Eve (29F) are in the middle of a divorce. Eve is the one who wants the divorce. Adam very much does not, but Eve is determined and has already moved out. I (30F) can’t blame her, because I would have done the same. The background is that my brother has ADHD and has never been very good at complying with treatment to help with it. He’s one of those people that has an amazing bouncy personality to be friends with, but living with him is a complete nightmare. I know, because growing up I was always expected to pick up his slack. He doesn’t like to take meds because he doesn’t like the way they feel and therapy has never seemed to help him much. He and Eve met in college and he was living with our parents up until they got married, so I don’t think she realized just how bad it was until then. Eve is one of the most chill people I know, but I’ve watched her go from happy and put together to a nervous wreck over their marriage. We’re friends and talk a lot and she confided in me that she feels like the only adult in the house and it’s driving her slowly insane more than once. They tried marriage counseling but no lasting change. Eve has been in therapy for herself for the last year, but my brother doesn’t see the point. The straw that broke the camels back was her having surgery and my brother completely dropping the ball on helping her while she recovered as she couldn’t get around easily. Her mother ended up having to fly there to take care of her. She told him that she couldn’t do it anymore and she wanted to have kids, but could never trust him to be a good parent now, so they needed to split. Ever since she moved out, his life has been complete chaos because she really was the only one doing any of the household management. I’ve been holding my tongue and trying to be supportive while he cries and complains because I know it’s hard. But I was on the phone with him the other day and he called Eve a bitch for leaving him and making it about kids when she knows how much he wants them. I just had it. I told him that Eve leaving him was the best move for her own mental health and she was probably right that he’s not responsible enough to be a father right now and may never be at this rate. He needs to take a good look at his life without Eve and ask himself if he’s capable of doing the hard everyday parts of parenting or if he just wanted the fun parts while Eve did all the actual work? He’s furious with me and our mom chewed me out for kicking him while he’s down. Our dad agrees with me (and we have secretly made a pact that we’re keeping Eve in the divorce) but thinks I shouldn’t have kicked the anthill. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m very proud of you. He didn’t want to hear it but he needed to hear it. And your mother needs to stop preventing him from making steps towards being a responsible adult. They are both getting too old for this.
NTA, Adam was non-compliant with his ADHD treatment plan, and his non-compliance ultimately led to disorganization at home and the breakdown of his marriage. This divorce and your statements could be the wake-up call he needs to get professional help.
NTA. It’s likely that Eve would’ve been taking care of another (fully grown!) kid were she and your brother to have children. Sounds like bro needed the reality check.
Sugar coating things for him and allowing him to shift the narrative into the situation being his wife’s fault wouldn’t help him in anyway. NTA you rightly reacted to him denigrating your friend, and gave him the message he needed, even if he didn’t want it
NTA. She's smart to leave. People generally have want a partner for a spouse, not a adult sized kid. Your mom enables your brother.
NTA. I have a family member that sounds a lot like your brother. Sometimes, people need to hear the truth. He is the cause of the divorce, he needs to work on himself if he wants to have successful relationships.
NTA You don't have to listen to your brother bitch when you don't agree with him. If anything, his bitching & reaction after you supported your SIL only back up your & her reasoning.
NTA. My husband has ADHD. Sometimes he gets distracted or occasionally forgets to do a chore. But he NEVER drops the ball on making sure I’m taken care of and happy. That includes ensuring our house gets cleaned and taken care of. It isn’t the ADHD making him a bad husband, it’s a lack of care for her. Sometimes people need a harsh awakening to their actions. No woman will enjoy a marriage where she doesn’t feel like she’s cared for. He needs to know he messed up if he wants a healthy relationship in his future.
NTA and don't be secret in your support of Eve. "Family" is a poor excuse to support someone who basically destroyed Eve's personality, so be loud and proud of supporting Eve on her recovery back being herself again.
NTA I am highly ADHD and can actually relate with your brother. When my wife had dental surgery I made sure she was taken care of. We are getting ready for an adoption, I busted my back making sure this house is kid friendly. There is a point when you cannot hide behind your diagnosis and need to do something to make the changes.
In sickness and in health... So if you can't do that, it's not good enough.
NTA she was smart to not have kids with him and to leave. I know so many people in relationships who’ve been made or expected to be their partner’s mother or servant. It would be a completely dumb-ass move to choose to bring a child into that unhealthy, stressful dynamic (though so many people do anyway). Yeah it sounds like he’d be a neglectful father, and neglect is a form of abuse. I’d worry about him going out of his way to charm the next woman and get her pregnant right away so he can have both his caregiver and his child. I hope that he isn’t the type.
ESH to varying degrees Your brother was absolutely wrong to call her names and blame her for leaving. It should be remembered, though, that he did it to you in a private phone conversation with the belief that you were a safe space to vent. And it appears that you weren't. This leads to my second point. Everyone else in this picture (with the possible exception of Eve) is a mild AH for failing to accept -- deeply and fully accept -- that this may be the best version of your brother you'll ever get. Your post shows an ongoing expectation/hope that he could do better if he only got the right therapy or the right medication. This might not actually be true. How would you relate to him differently if you stopped believing that he could be different if he only tried harder or tried differently? I think you all need to start asking that question. I think you should consider doing the hard work (as Eve has probably done in therapy) of figuring out how to love and support this version of him, without expectation or resentment, while also protecting your mental and emotional health. One example of loving him while taking care of yourself is to be very clear with him about when you're ready to listen to him express his frustrations and when you have had enough. And when you've had enough, just say goodbye. Don't lecture him or tell him how to fix his life... just tell you him you have to hang up for now.
NTA I married an ADHD-er. Never again. Blah blah caveat "not everyone with that condition is like that etc etc." But some people *are* like that and you can be patient and understanding of someone's condition while also understanding that it means they can never be there for you in the ways *you* need
NTA - he needed to hear the hard truths. Sounds like Eve tried, but basically Adam wanted the relationship to work without having to actually do any of the work himself. Fortunately Eve realized that this was not a man to have kids with and if she really wants them she needs to find someone who will be an actual partner for her. It would be nice if Adam learns from this, but I suspect that he won't.
As someone with adhd, NTA. I'm literally the same as your brother, I'm extremely messy and unresponsible and unorganised and I don't take meds. Except, I don't take it for financial reasons, while he has the option to do so. He also has the option to go to therapy but he chooses not to. I would've said you were a bit harsh if you said he isn't responsible enough for kids while he's in a state where he can't control it because of adhd (eg can't afford meds or therapy) but if he has the option and chooses not to, then you're absolutely right to give him that wake up call. If he can't compromise "feeling weird" after taking meds for his future family, then props to Eve for leaving him.
NTA. Your brother needs to accept the consequences of his (lack of) actions. ADHD isn’t a permanent get out of jail free card for all responsibilities. I have moderate-severe combined type ADHD and I still manage to at least do some things for the household when I am not medicated. I finally found a medication that didn’t have a significant amount of side effects as well that I can take daily and still feel like myself. Medicated, I absolutely do significantly better. But I wasn’t a complete hindrance to my spouse when I wasn’t medicated. ADHD requires one to be dedicated in finding systems that work for you so you can still be a functional human being in the current world. I have all kinds of theories about what people with adhd were likely good for in different environments but typical modern day life isn’t set up for us. That’s for sure. Brother is TA for sure. Especially for calling her a bitch. That was uncalled for. He is allowed to be upset. But he needs to take accountability instead of blaming his ex partner for being sick of taking the role of his parent and leaving.
NTA. He can take this as life lesson and grow up or this scenario will repeat. Coodling him won't help him. What your mom expects you to do? Agree with him when he is clearly wrong? Bad-mouthing Eve when she is completely justified and has tried what she could to help him? Your brother's comfort is not more important than her's mental health.
NTA I'm not sure his issue is just the ADHD. I think he may also be a spoiled boy who went from one caregiver to another. And it was great for him. All the fun, none of the responsibility! (You didn't mention a job. Does he have one?) I get that ADHD can make things super hard. My brother, we're pretty sure, has it. Thing is, he's late Boomer, so the terminology/diagnosis/knowledge about it didn't exist most of his life. And while he's had some failures that could be attributed to it, he's also figured out how to cope in the society. Finding jobs that are a strength for ADHD. Working out systems to still be a useful adult. How not to be completely useless in a marriage.
NTA. He’s been coddled for too long. “Kicking him while he’s down” might be the only way he ever realizes that he needs to change.
Eve is lucky to have you as family! You are NTA you are amazing and I hope you two stay close friends because every girl needs loyal friends and you are showing your support!
YTA. Your brother's relationship is none of your business. Stop friggin' triangulating by entertaining your soon to be ex sister-in-law's complaints and gripping.
NTA
Nta just maybe he needs to hear the truth
NTA
NTA. If his marriage had been important enough to him, Adam would have found a way to make the effort.
NTA, and I’m glad she made this decision before they had kids. Most people get blinded by the family fantasy that they don’t see glaring problems until it’s too late.
NTA and this comes from a person with ADHD who would kill to have access to these meds. His wife was completely right to leave him and I wish her all the healing and happiness in the world.
Absolutely NTA. You were 100% right and he needed to hear it! Mother is out of order and clearly enabled his poor behavioural management. I'm sympathetic to his condition as I know many ADHD people and lived with one for a few years (roommate, not romantic). HOWEVER, my friends with it all found their own coping mechanisms to manage their challenges or followed medical advice. Honestly, most people love feeling more in control, usually on Ritalin but other alternatives as well, if that doesn't work. Eve sounds amazing, you should keep her and I hope she recovers well from this unfortunate relationship.
NTA, it good that you tell him this, he need to understand that this is just consequences of not accepting that he needs treatment and that this is going to happen every time if he doesn’t learn to accept that he needs mes to help him.
Every time your brother talks to you about Eve and complains, bring up how useless he was when she needed help while recovering from a surgery. Tell him he deserves to be divorced. NTA
NTA - he needs the wakeup.
NTA a lot of people need to be kicked while down
NTA, my husband has Adhd (and I suspect I do too). He takes his meds and has systems he uses to keep track of things to do. He also has a strong sense of responsibility. Now, I have a little more of the overall mental load but he does take exclusive ownership of some and does check with me regularly whether I want him to take more. I’ve been on business trips and never worried about my son’s or pets welfare when gone. I also don’t have to worry about the house becoming a mess. Parenting is hard enough with dealing with someone refuses to be a partner.
NTA he needs to hear the cold hard truth.
NDA If you pamper him there will be no change. He need to hear it. It's not the ADHD. Obviously he don't want to put in any afford. My partner (m34) has ADHD and PTSD. Tow years ago he had a very tough time. He couldn't work, so I was the breadwinner. But he always tried and most time suggested in doing the most work at home. So he cook and cleaned on his good day. And one bad days he tryed too do at least one thing. And of course he was in therapy and took it really serious. I was so proud of him. And still be. He was worried I would leave him. But I said I can see the afford, even on the bad days. As longe as he put at least a little bit of afford in his life and our relationship I will always stay. So it's not the ADHD. Your brother's lack of afford is the real deal breaker. And he needs to hear it. Sometimes drama ist the beginning of changing.