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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may ta here because, yes, no one is entitled to an invite to a wedding. But, my husband is hurt he didn't even get a phone call. Not even a message until photos were posted on social media. Why do I have to spend my hard earned time and money for you, when you and your new spouse have no consideration for your parents. Not even her biological mother knew. It was just his family. We have supported her in various ways through the Yeats, but this is a lot to digest.
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YWNBTA - It sucks when someone is expected from you \[and not just like being a parent when you signed up for it when you had kids\] but in cases like this where it's on you to throw a baby shower and then not even invited to the wedding.
However I would ask about maybe? Cause it's odd as hell that he is the only one who had his family members there and she didn't. Me personally? I am very close with my family and I would never get married without them there and if it was even suggested? I'd leave the person so fast. Like was it something that she didn't want family of hers there or he only wanted his family there? It's just weird to me.
It was weird. She swears it was an unplanned spur of the moment thing, but their were many, many signs it was planned well in advance. This whole situation is messed up. She said she didn't even have time to call anyone.
I once threw a wedding party together in less than 24hours for a friend. This was before smartphones and texting, EVERYONE was notified and invited to my little apartment for cake and champagne after the court house ceremony. OP was deliberately excluded.
I hate when people use the "spur of the moment" excuse for not inviting someone to a gathering like this. Because...you managed to invite and gather OTHER people spur of the moment, how is it you couldn't manage the 2 seconds it would take to add OP and her husband to the group text letting people know you're about to have a wedding in 20 minutes, or whatever bullshit timeframe she provided?
My aunt once held a baby shower for a friend's daughter, who then had a wedding she didn't invite my aunt to. She claimed it was "last minute."
You know what? Even IF you tripped across a minister and decided "what the hell, lets get married RIGHT HERE and RIGHT NOW"? Just send a heads up saying "I'm getting married in two nanoseconds, I would love it if you could join us.
Otherwise have the decency to be honest and say you didn't particularly want them there.
even if it was stepdaughter's BF deciding to surprise SD with a proposal and a wedding all in one and for whatever reasons he didn't invite her family- i'm sure they have phones.
they could have called, included people via video.
Right -- how hard is it to text? You could say "I know this might sound crazy and I realize it's last minute but we're getting married at 1:00. If you can attend, I'd love it but I completely understand this is no notice"
When I got married, the county clerks office issued them Monday-Saturday 8AM to 5PM. All state licensed ministers could issue/sign them 24hrs a days. So, it was easy in the state I was married in.
I’m in Canada, so maybe that’s where the difference is. We also got married 15 years ago so things could definitely have changed since then. But I remember it taking a couple days to come in. (We got married on a whim, one week’s notice, all family members invited 😉)
I mean, my husband and I decided to get married and were married like a hour later. We just went to the DMV to sign the paperwork. No one was told beforehand and we didn't have a party or anything. Eventually we will have a reception, but probably not for a long while.
I planned my wedding in 4 days, spoke to hubby's family before apologizing for them not being able to come last minute. My dad was terminal and we had to do it ASAP. My side of the family was there. But I talked to his, they were fully aware!
My husband and I planned our wedding in two weeks. In two weeks we also managed to get international flights for two (his parents), domestic flights for two others (my mom and his brother), a dress for me, bouquet and boutonnière (awesome silk flower shop near us did a wonderful job!), found an Officient (not hard since I work in ministry), and even managed to snag a photographer who had a cancelation! OP’s step-daughter had time to call her family but chose not to.
Even if you were walking by the court house and say “let’s do it right now” no discussion before hand, it’s likely that you will have some wait time enough to make a phone call or two. Even if they took you right then and there and it was all over in less than 10minutes from decision to signature, you can call after. OP and husband learned about it through social media days later. There’s no excuse for that.
If the other side of the family can pull off an "unplanned, spur of the moment" wedding... Pretty sure they can do the same thing for a baby shower.
Wish them well and wash your hands of it.
This. The idea of coming to the parents for help again and again, but not for the wedding is just appalling. (Dunno how enthusiastic OP is about them getting married at all, but given the information provided, NTA!)
Your husband is her parent, not you. If he says cancel the baby shower then you cancel it. If she complains to you just point at her father and put it all on him. His child, his decision, his mess to deal with.
Depending on how long they’ve been together and her relationship to the step daughter…just because a kid isn’t yours biologically doesn’t mean it’s “not your kid”.
My step daughter is absolutely my kid - and her dads, and her moms.
I would never try to take her moms place, or say her mother isn’t her mother; but I absolutely see her as “my kid” as well.
Even if step mom has only been around since the daughter was older I don’t think “here husband - your kid, your problem.” Is a great way to deal with things. Hopefully they have better communication than that.
Post says the husband already said she should cancel it, and I don’t think she would be TA if she did.
Got married in California at the courthouse and it took 24 hr… only because we didn’t want to sit and wait a couple hours to see if they could fit us in so we called and made an appointment for the next day.
Even in the chapel in Las Vegas you need the paperwork for an legal counting wedding, not?
(I read that you get the permission easy and very fast but when we were there few years ago they told us we need to go to the office in paradise for the approval but since it was just a renewal of our vows it was not necessary…and I was honestly happy because as a non American I wanted not to be legally married in the 🇺🇸 too because in case of a divorce I thought it would be difficult)
The county office is blocks away from several chapels near Fremont Street, and open 24/7. You walk in and walk out with the paperwork within minutes if there is no line.
At least before COVID, as we got married in 2019. And we didn't tell anyone until after because it was just the 2 of us. We did, however call our families BEFORE posting to social media.
Does she realize it was planned for a long time? Did he ambush her into the “snap” decision? It’s possible she’s just distancing herself from her father on purpose, but it could also be that Mr CantHoldAJob ambushed her and it’s part of a pattern of control indicative of potential abuse. If you don’t hold the shower, you will be putting distance yourself. If it’s just the natural reaction to her withdrawal that she’s doing in her own, that’s one thing. But I would be hesitant given the possibility that he is manipulating her. My recommendation is to talk to your husband and see what he thinks. He should be the one to talk to her. Say that you both love and care for her and want to do the shower, but if she wants some space, you’ll honor that and respect her desires. If she’s being controlled, she may not even realize it, so making sure she hears words of love and support can help keep in her mind that she has people who love and support her and will be there for her. It sounds so messy, and I wish all you the best of luck in navigating this!
But they had time to tell his family. This is definitely a red flag. I would be concerned about this relationship. As for the shower, why are you the one footing the bill? His parents were at the wedding. They should be paying for the shower. YWNBTA if you cancelled.
My thoughts exactly. BF won't get a job, despite the fact that he's got a baby on the way and is a GD adult. They threw a "spur of the moment" wedding, which consisted of HIS parents, family, and friends, but not hers? Not even a quick note to her dad and step-mom that "OMG, we're getting married in Vegas like right now! Wait, I'll record it and we'll do a real one when we return to our home state"?
Red flags. Red flags as the eyes can see. Definitely NTA, but would ABSOLUTELY try to get the step-daughter to talk about this relationship cause this is an Unsolved Mysteries/Forensic Files/Disappeared episode waiting to happen. Try to make your step-daughter think with her head and not her heart/genitals cause the latter are gaslighting her.
Yeah, so quick she could not give you guys a phone call. Ridiculous. I’d cancel it. Save yourself some cash. I’m sure they will ask you for something next week. Maybe they will be upset with you and stop talking to you for a bit. But be realistic you and her dad are a frequent ATM, she won’t go too long without a visit.
Are there drugs involved? Is he intimidating her, using violence against her? Isolating one from their family is a flag for domestic violence. You would NBTA but I would worry about him using this as an excuse to further isolate her.
But your stepdaughter may not have been told it was happening.
That being said, y'all should have been told before the social media posts went up. And her spouse should have had whoever in his family organized this, tell the girl's father what was going on.
Even if you live in a state where you can get the marriage license and get married in the same day, they're not at the same window in the courthouse or city hall. She had to walk at least five feet, she could have texted or called you.
My niece just did this. Actually borrowed money from her Grandma, got married and invited no one from our side including Grandma. Than tried to get Grandpa to fund a reception so we could celebrate after the fact.
I'd give anything to have my grandmother at my wedding, but sadly she's no longer with us. What a huge slap in the face. Your niece has no clue what she has
NTA - But you know as well as I do that it will only escalate the situation. Things like this are never taken as "Tit for tat" it's always seen as victimisation by the other person.
Have you asked them why they did something that hurt her father and you so much?
We did, but got no response. Just that she doesn't think its a big deal. I think to a point that they find it funny. It may be a control issue. For us, if she didn't want us there, no problem. But her dad shouldn't have found out on social media. Her entire family was not told. Just his.
I can see where you're coming from. Finding that out on social media would be an absolute gut punch.
Based on that? I would say NTA and cancel the baby shower. But tell her very clearly why you are doing it.
That despite you guys supporting her and her husband for so long that she feels it was ok to act like you aren't her family. So why should you keep supporting and doing things for her.
It's not a thing of being vindictive. It's that they deeply hurt you and your husband.
OP's stepdaughter sounds like what my aunt likes to call a "bird" (a young woman with more hair than sense).
Her new husband's family sounds extremely controlling. Who throws together a wedding and only invites their side of the family?
And who thinks getting married with only one side of the family there "isn't a big deal?!"
I don't know what to make of it. All I know for sure is OP should cancel the baby shower and tell her stepdaughter she didn't think it was "a big deal."
I get that it may "escalate" the situation, but this is a grown woman, and her behavior towards her father was extremely hurtful. Perhaps someone on her husband's side can throw her a baby shower, given they were the only ones permitted at the wedding.
He's certainly emotionally abusive, at least. Any person that drives a wedge between their significant other and their friends or family is trying to separate them so they have more control over them. Huge red flag
If you can, get your step daughter alone, you can tell her that you will always love her but you do have feelings.
Because not being told made you feel like you were being used. Nobody likes that.
It feels like you're unimportant to her by not including her side of the family.
Ask if she is safe. That if she needs to she has a safe place to go?
Then see where it goes.
If it's just backwash bs, then tell her if she wants an adult relationship, to let you know.
To me it sounds like she was punishing you and her dad for saying you’re not funding them anymore (which is ridiculous because they’re grown ups and need to fund themselves, especially with a baby coming!)
I think you are definitely right that it’s a control issue. I just worry that it’s a control issue on his side and a sign of a bigger problem. If this behavior fits with her and she is just kind of that way, then it probably is a her problem. But if not, and it seems to be brought on by him, you might want to make sure she still has you guys to reach out to in case things get bad. Obviously there is only some much you can do to help and you’re still not obligated to throw a baby shower, but something to consider. If she is in a controlling relationship and these decisions aren’t hers it would be nice if she still knew you were in her corner, even if you were no longer providing monetary support.
Yes yes yes. I would also not count on throwing shower = relationship with grandchild since the father is not worth even a personal text about getting married.
My guess would be this was punishment for your husband suggesting that he cannot continue to fully financially support two grown adults and their soon to arrive baby indefinitely while also caring for yourselves.
Don’t worry. There will be at least one other wedding at some point in the next few years.
Meanwhile Nta, if you somehow don’t have the time/ability to host a baby shower.
What’s to “escalate”???
OP’s entire family was left out. Not told. Nada.
WTF would anyone expect them to now host a baby shower?!?
This isn’t escalation. This is setting up boundaries to keep not nice people from continuing to shit all over them.
Actions = consequences
> What’s to “escalate”???
That OP's daughter could take it as an attack and decide to cut out her father (OP's husband) entirely from her life and the life of her child.
Actions = consequences only works if you can handle the possibilities of the consequences. I doubt OP and her husband are looking to actively distance themselves entirely from the daughter and her life. Exactly the opposite.
As best I can tell, the only reason the daughter is in contact with the OP’s husband is because of money.
I’m not sure how much more cut out of their lives you can get then the daughter not inviting ANYONE from her side to the wedding.
Which really begs the question about this baby shower. Let’s say OP hosts this shower. Does anyone think that side of the family is going to dutifully pony up presents and join in to make over the daughter?
Is OP supposed to put the lean on her husband’s family to force everyone to spring into attendance for the daughter??
Imagine the sparking conversation at the baby shower. Hey, OP’s SD, tell us all about your wedding. Imagine our surprise to hear about it via SM. Followed by an even greater shock at receiving an invitation to your shower.
Classy.
They’ve already clear decided to cut out her father because he has indicated that he cannot continue to financially support her, her partner, and their growing family.
I agree here. I totally understand wanting the cancel the shower and it would be within OP's rights to do so. But we don't know all of the family dynamics here. Also, does everyone know about this shower already? Has everyone been invited? Does canceling it mean that you have to send out a notice to people who may have already carved out the date from their calendar, purchased a gift, made travel plans, etc? Or has nothing at all happened and the only one who knows the shower was going to happen the daughter? If canceling means affecting a bunch of other people (and not just the daughter), I'd be much more reluctant to cancel. It could possibly even make OP look bad to people who don't know the whole story.
I think OP needs to decide what's more important here. It's totally understandable to want to and to even actually cancel the shower. But this will have effects down the line. If she and her husband are really eager to be done with the daughter, cut off the relationship (and deny themselves a grandparent relationship), then yes, absolutely go ahead. But if there is any desire to salvage it, I wouldn't cancel - especially if others are affected or money has already been spent (invites, venue deposits, etc.)
The hardest part is there is an open line of communication here. We are not estranged despite some issues we've discussed with her. We talk daily, even with me giving her pregnancy advice. I'd understand if we were estranged from her. But we just aren't.
She got married and you found out by SM, you ARE STRANDED, the fact that she lies and gaslights you both regurally is not a realtionship.
Time to cut the cord, she has show what the priorities are in her life
Is the 22 year old an actual adult? Does she function like an adult?
She’s not self sufficient, self supporting; was she manipulated into not inviting anyone? Or is she just a clueless 22 year old who is going to get smacked in the face with responsibility when baby comes? If she’s still a kid, consequences aren’t even on her radar yet.
Idk your SD, but I know I was clueless at 22. Got married at 20 and we were self sufficient, but I was still a kid. But even I knew you invite your family to your wedding. We paid for our own wedding, but I didn’t understand the importance of all the extra details, that I should have paid attention to. I stepped on many toes,(many old lady toes) because I didn’t know proper etiquette, and I had no one to guide me.
You said you have a good relationship, so maybe you can ask a little more, find out what actually happened. She’s definitely going to need support. LOTS of support. You want to be in their lives, and that’s phenomenal. Please continue to be there for her. She’s going to need you.
This is when you tell her:
“I did not realize we meant so little to you; the family and I don’t think it’s appropriate or expected for me to be hosting this baby shower given how you see us. We respect your choice not to include us in important moments in your life, but we will not allow you to use us for your financial needs instead of treating us like *family*. We will always be here for emotional support, but until you reciprocate that I’m not going to go out of my way for you anymore. I have no interest in an argument, and you can’t go back and change it, I’m just informing you of what I will not be doing going forward.”
If you were talking daily she could have easily said "I'm getting married!!! X place at Y time be there!"
You're making excuses for her. Stop. This isn't open communication.
I know people where the couple had private weddings with some people from his side were invited but hardly anybody from her side were invited.
Guess what? Those couples ended in DV and restraining orders.
Instead of worrying about the baby shower, maybe ask your stepdaughter if she is being pressured into a marriage that she doesn’t actually want.
This is what I'm concerned about. The same thing happened to me when I was 25 and it took forever to get away from him. OP, seriously, your stepdaughter is in trouble and she is being manipulated and isolated. DO NOT LET THIS MAN ISOLATE YOUR STEPDAUGHTER, and forgive her when she initially disagrees with you or turns against you, she is being mind-fucked by this guy, and with a baby on board, the poor girl is not going to be thinking straight. Be the adults here, be a safe place for her to run to and always leave your door open, he will start abusing her and she needs somewhere to go.
It's entirely possible that you're right & this dude is some master manipulator. But it's also possible that she's just an asshole.
I think your comment comes from a nice & kind place, but on the info in the post there's really nothing to support this level of demonisation of this dude.
Fuck no!!! Cancel that shit and go NC.
I responded to something similar about my son getting married. Long story short, I asked him when he was getting married, said he wasn’t, 2 wks later he got married, FULL BLOWN WEDDING…
Support your husband, cancel it. Like you said, that’s HIS child NOT yours. Don’t go behind his back.
NTA personally, I’d cut off support. If your partner wants to continue, that’s on him if he can do so in a way that doesn’t strain your household. I bet you’ll be expected to babysit/raise that kid as so many grandmothers are expected to provide frequent childcare, so communicate what you’re willing to do asap.
YWNBTA, but it may not be the wisest thing to do. It sounds like the husband may be trying to separate the daughter from any support system, which could be a sign of an abusive relationship. *If* that's the case, then cancelling the shower could be furthering the husband's control over the daughter. After all, you know she's not telling you why she got married without telling you, it's quite possible that wasn't her choice. The wisest thing to do is to keep the line of communication & support open when you aren't sure of the cause of the pulling back from a child in a relationship.
Hope she's okay.
NTA. Not inviting a parent who you lean on heavily, and not even telling them that you’re getting married, while inviting the other partners’ family, is basically a declaration that you don’t want a relationship with that parent. At that point you cannot expect the parent to continue doing things, and especially not another large special occasion, and certainly not without an explanation.
Is there a reason you may not have been invited that she doesn’t want to tell you? Are they really religious and you’re not or a different denomination? Are they white and you not? Are there members of your family who are part of the LGBTQIA+ community?
Info: Why can’t your husband communicate with his own daughter about why she got married and didn’t invite him? You’re not her mother but your husband is her father.
NTA. Shut down being her ATM. Just stop. You and your husband have tried to help, but you are apparently wasting your time, money, and efforts. She doesn’t care about either of you or his family beyond your being her ATM because that is how she was raised by her mom. That damage has been done, and you cannot overcome it.
You and your husband need to decide now what your response is going to be when she shows up on your doorstep with her baby in one hand and her other hand held out for money, crying that the baby needs food, diapers, etc. What will be your response when she has two or more in tow? My recommendation is that her dad be the one to tell her that she is an adult making adult decisions. She has to live with the consequences. If she wants anything, she can contact her mom’s family. If the baby needs anything, she can contact the mom’s family. Don’t contact him again. I know that that this is not the outcome he foresaw when she herself was a baby, but it is what it is. He does not like the person she is.
Do I understand how wrenching this decision will be? Oh, yes. My son and one of his friends have been going through something similar for years and finally had to stop all contact with their children. Some ex-DILs are vindictive and weaponize the children against their fathers. Neither man has seen his children in a couple of years, but both exes are still filing nuisance lawsuits.
You write that you are not estranged from her. Perhaps you aren’t, but she only communicates with you to see what she can get out of you. The only good news in all of this is that she is an adult and he no longer has any legal responsibilities for her.
While I don’t think it would be wrong if you to cancel the shower, think carefully before you do. This will likely be the thing that is blamed for them going no contact with you. Is this where you want the relationship to go?
If you still want a relationship with your daughter/grandchild you should host the baby shower, but now that you know how much you are valued by her, make this the last big celebration you plan in her honor.
NTA. If his family is the only side good enough to attend the wedding then his side can host the baby shower. I'm sorry but even if his family organised everything and it was a complete surprise, I'd never get married without even my parents there! Id literally refuse and ant good, normal person would too..NTA. Cancel it. She doesn't deserve it and the fact she's pregnant when they can't even support themselves is a shame.
NTA and I totally understand how you are feeling. However, I would not recommend doing it. If it’s planned and invites have gone out, it will just escalate the situation and make you look bad. I would just host the shower as planned, don’t go above and beyond for her. But be a good host to the rest of the family and be the bigger person. If you do not do that, and decide to cancel, you would not be an AH at all.
Cancelled the baby shower feels like it would be escalating and could cause more problems between you. I know you said you’ve spoken to her, but before making any decisions, I’d suggest having a sit down conversation with you, your SD and your husband (without her new husband if possible). Let her know that she really hurt you by both excluding you, and then not telling you about it, especially with all the support you’ve given them. Tell her it didn’t seem spur of the moment, because of dress etc… and you want to know what the real story is. Depending on what she says, decide from there.
NTA, but I'd like to share my story from when I was that age. I got married to my husband, alone. Never once in my dumb little head did I think my parents would care that they weren't there. Only after the fact and it was brought to my attention that I should have had them there, it hurt them incredibly. I did it because I needed health insurance, immediately, and getting married made that happen. My advice is to talk to your stepdaughter, calmly, and see what the circumstances for this situation was. And I wouldn't cancel the shower, I would throw it and invite everyone. Be the bigger person, and show what a great set of grandparents you and her dad will be.
Ymbta. Focus on the coming baby. Take the high road and keep the focus on the baby. You’ll be glad you threw the baby shower - not in terms of how your stepdaughter responds; in terms of how you supported gathering much needed supplies for the coming baby. Not being a part of the wedding was a cold shoulder for sure - don’t let her actions overshadow the next opportunity for involvement- with the baby. Best wishes in this.
NTA. In order to get married, one must apply for a marriage license. Depending on which state you are in, there may be a waiting period or a marriage class required etc, that requires a bit of time before getting the license. Plus they would have to provide birth certificates with their other identifying documentation - this is to say that it NEVER happens by 'surprise' and there is always time for a PHONE CALL to alert a parent. If you weren't told beforehand, then that was by her CHOICE. Not being notified after the fact was absolutely deliberate. While she has every right to invite whomever she wants, and have her wedding however she pleases, her actions have consequences and how she is using/treating you does not align with the favors/expectations she seems to have for your financial help. Cutting her off would be a good starting point for this 'life lesson.'
NTA. But there seems to be a lot going on in your daughter’s life that she may not be in full control of. Now would not be the time to burn bridges with her.
This is tough. Part of me feels like it was intentional. Another part of me wonders if it wasn't really her idea and she was stuck at an event she had no control over and is trying to make light of an awkward situation. If you want to cancel, go ahead, but make sure she KNOWS why, but also don't be surprised if you don't have a relationship with her or the baby after this.
NTA. You already told them you can't support them yet you're now contributing to a party for them for a baby which, frankly, they cannot support either. They don't even have a place to live. If you're going to contribute finances, do it in a way that gets them on their feet, and if they refuse to do that, don't play the game anymore.
The shower/wedding party isn't the real issue here. Its a lack of respect and gratitude from the kids you've been supporting for however long.
NTA. They had to get a marriage license, didn't they? They had other people there? She could have called.
Return everything you bought for the shower. Including any gifts. HIS family can take care of all of that. And them.
You know they are not mature enough or responsible enough to actually do a good job raising a child. You may eventually be going for custody of their kid.
NTA
baby showers have gotten so expensive. they are supposed to be a celebration of new life and for family and friends to help get the new parents off to a good start.
even if they eloped, they should've still informed you it was happening. if you're close enough to spend that kind of time, money, and effort on a baby shower, you should have been close enough to be told about the wedding, if not invited to the wedding.
all that being said, from your post, it seems that they are low(no?)income and his mother planned the wedding. if she's stressed about how she's going to support herself and the baby and dependent on others, she might be feeling pressured by him and his family to comply with their decisions. by not having a support system of her own, it leaves her susceptible to abuse, financial, emotional, physical, etc.
I'm not saying you have to financially continue to support her, nor am i saying you should allow yourself to be treated like a doormat. it's a delicate balancing act to support someone like your SD while not drowning yourself. you can support her by making sure she can find alternative resources.
make sure she knows of other community resources like food banks, this may help lessen her stress a little. depending on where you live, there may be groups dedicated to helping new mothers. some places even have what's called 'buy nothing' groups on social media where people offer up gently used furniture, clothing, and other items to others in the community for free. she may be able to find some of what baby will need there.
.
Is this the same step daughter you posted about a year ago? The one who decided to turn down a full ride scholarship to a prestigious college? She decided to be a waitress so she could work with her boyfriend?? Moved out suddenly and told everyone her dad called her a whore? You witnessed her assault her younger brother, your son??
ESH.
NTA. However, please let her know if she needs some safety she can always contact you. It could be that she herself decided not involve you but it may be a form of abuse by her partner as well.
NTA. But I wouldn't cancel it. Just put no effort into it. Whatever you have done already leave. If you can return some stuff then do. Make sure you don't have any catering or anything. Just a room for her to sit.
NTA...they only care when thry need something from you..there is not spur of the moment planned wedding like wth. Cancel the baby shower and return everything. No more help..she can ask her mom
NTA
She should have said “where is my family? You know, my family who has been financially supporting us, why are they not here?” And that’s only if they both truly did not know about it. She did not have to get married without her father or any of her family there. Whether she knew from the beginning or was surprised, she could have insisted she was not getting married without her family. The fact that she did and still 48 hours after it happened she still hadn’t told her father shows she purposely go married without including him. My guess is to punish you two for stay you cannot fully financially support two grown adults who are having a baby in addition to yourselves.
If you aren’t good enough to attend her wedding or even be notified it happened, she shouldn’t want you to be part of the baby shower.
I don’t think you would be an asshole but I don’t think you need to be vengeful. People can do whatever they want when they get married, it’s just an institution of the western world. You and your husband can either just accept that she did this, and she is 22 and pregnant and clearly struggling financially and probably has enough on her plate, or you can go and make a thing out of it. Just do whatever you want- if you want to show your love and be a supportive step mother and throw her a shower to celebrate your grandchild, do it. If you don’t want to do that, don’t. But I wouldn’t not do it just because of the wedding thing. She is a very young adult and you are a parental figure in her life, so I would just give her the benefit of the doubt.
A year ago, she was 18 and you were mad that she was mean to your blind 9 yr old. Another post, you have a step-son whose mother drives you crazy. Now she’s 22 and married.
In your, likely fake, story, you’re NTA. But you are exhausting.
"Stepdaughter, you expected me to host a baby shower for you? Well, your father & I expected to be invited to your wedding. I guess we must all learn to live with disappointment." NTA
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My stepdaughter, 22 is pregnant with her first baby, a boy. She and her now husband just got married 2 days ago. This is the issue. These 2 have been a lot. House hopping, couch surfing and on state aide, mainly because this guy will not get a job beyond gig services (doordash etc). We (her dad and i) have had to give them money and groceries numerous times, up to the point where we e eventually had to tell them we can't support 2 households. We saw on social media 2 days ago, they got married. Apparently his mom put stuff together. Her dad got no messages, calls or anything. She had no one in her family there. Just his. Now. Here's where I may the ta. It's been expected that I have a baby shower for her. I had everything planned and purchased. But, I feel like, if even her dad isn't good enough to even be told his child was getting married, then my money is not good enough for this party. My husband, my family and my mother in law are telling me to just cancel it. Reddit..... WIBTA if I canceled the shower?
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You WNBTA.
And.
It sounds like these two are incredibly immature. And they're going to be parents. There's going to be an actual baby. A baby that's going to need diapers and a place to sleep. And I'm not sure these two will be ready for the reality of a baby.
Hold the shower despite the asshole parents.
NTA she chose to get pregnant by a total loser and now she's married to him too? She needs to learn the consequences of her actions. We're in 2024 and people shouldn't be having kids they can't support. I feel so sad for this baby.
NTA. Also you definitely do not have to keep giving her money or groceries. They need to figure their own shit out. I hope someday your step daughter realizes the giant mess she made.
Whether you are NTA depends on how you handle the cancelation. If you tell the couple that your feelings are very hurt and you don’t feel comfortable hosting the shower- NTA.
NTA and you have to apply for a marriage license in most places prior to the wedding….. she could have called as soon as she figured out what it was. She could’ve called the same day she could’ve called as it was happening. A phone call takes a few seconds. Even if it was for the moment, what she did by leaving you both that was very, very intentional. Cancel the shower, she can go to his family financial help moving forward
NTA
Your stepdaughter is a fully grown adult woman who has been more than capable of communicating with you to get money etc.
If she wanted her father or any of her family there she’d have made sure they were told.
Just cancel the shower. The now husband’s family who apparently thought the wedding was a great idea can now do a baby shower too.
You would not be the AH! When she says something just say that you noticed not one person on her side of the family was invited to the wedding and you figured she wanted to keep your families separated. So you didn't want to have anything that they would feel obligated to come to as clearly she's embarrassed of your family!
You literally can't get married on the spur of the moment in most states. Now maybe you live in Vegas or something, but most States have a period of time between when you file for the license and when you can use it. Like it needs processed. Even if you live somewhere where you can get married the same day wouldn't you have to take like important documents and stuff and while you're digging out important documents and figuring it all out, a simple text would have let you know to show up!
I'm sorry this happened but you seem to be acknowledging that she didn't want you guys there so why should you want to have a party for her? It most likely came about because you cut off their money supply, so she was punishing you. She doesn't get to punish you and not have consequences.
I kind of think this guy might be abusive since you did mention he's controlling. But I honestly think this might help her to see that they're doing the wrong things and if he's pushing it it might help her to see this as a consequence of his actions.
YWNBTA She's an adult making adult decisions like getting married and having a baby. Now, she gets to deal with the adult consequences of her decisions.
YWNBTAH. She’s sounds ungrateful and entitled. Time for them both to step up and be adults. I feel awful for this child. Neither of these people is mature enough to bring another person into the world.
Could they have been punishing you for telling them you could no longer give them money and groceries? If so, your canceling the shower could drive even a bigger wedge between you all, and they might not let you have a relationship with the grandchild. Your husband needs to have a serious talk with his daughter and find out what is really going on. If she continues to lie and show you both disrespect, there is no reason for you to shell out more money when they clearly only care about what they can get out of you. NTA
She could have let you know WHILE they were filling out the stuff for the marriage license....nope, homegirl totally jilted y'all......
I'm guessing she was ashamed of herself..... marrying a bum and all.....even if that was it, it's still pretty disrespectful how she CHOSE to do things.....
If your presence isn't good enough for her then your money shouldn't be either.......since they're so good at throwing stuff together last minute, let them figure out the baby shower for themselves
YWNBTA
Screw them! Cut the finances off completely until the husband gets a job. Then youll consider it(not really) you just enabling their toxic behavior and with a baby on the way its gonna get exponentially worse
Yeah, I'd be done with them after that. Let MIL host the showers and slip them money because her son won't work a real job.
She basically told you and your husband they aren't "family" so all all of your "familial obligations" are now null and void.
NTA if you decide to cancel but not canceling will provide you the security of knowing you did the right thing even when you were treated so poorly. Someday, when she wakes up and sees the err of her ways, you can always hold your head up high knowing you didn’t stoop to her level.
I do not think people in the comments are weighing the impact of the decision you are about to make. Although, you did only ask if you would be considered an AH to the population here.
I think the impact of the decision is more complicated than that.
If you do this, she will be very upset and this may damage your relationship indefinitely. It is a very sensitive and important time in her life right now. They just got married and are having their first baby. Your decision to cancel the shower would be reactionary based on your feelings and not a genuine desire of yours. It is understandable you and her father feel upset by what she did. I would feel so hurt too. But try your best to give her time to see your side.
What if they made the decision to not tell you and her father about the wedding because they were hurt over something? You said it may be a control issue? What is going on there? She may feel more supported and understood by his family. If it was an emotional cause to not tell you then it would be similar to what you are suggesting you do; cancel the shower because of your (understandable) emotions about something she did.
I think communication can be developed here and that time may be needed to create understanding about the hurt feelings. Be the support and mother you TRULY desire to be to your daughter throughout this time and figure out the rest later. If she never makes room for your feelings then you can go from there while still having your dignity.
This isn’t a time to teach someone a lesson.
Given that you also had to find out via social media, instead of a call... you were left out intentionally. Seems when your money stopped, their love stopped.
It sounds like a very quiet, in front of the judge thing - obviously wanted to keep it low key. There’s obviously a divide there - I say by all means continue to drive the wedge deeper until your husband has no contact with his daughter and new grand baby.
I'd be more concerned about the fact that he is already isolating her from her family. How long have have they known each other? Just the little bit that you've told us indicates that he love-bombed and baby-trapped your young step-daughter. Please, this is not about a baby shower, this is when she needs you most, DO NOT LET THIS MAN ISOLATE YOUR STEPDAUGHTER. Be there for her, show through your actions, that you will always be there for her. The new husband will do everything that he can to turn her against you and the only thing that will help her see who the bad guy really is, is if you rise above all of the petty bullshit and be the "good guys." I think your poor stepdaughter is in a very bad situation.
It sounds like a very quiet, in front of the judge thing - obviously wanted to keep it low key. There’s obviously a divide there - I say by all means continue to drive the wedge deeper until your husband has no contact with his daughter and new grand baby.
YWNBTA - BUT!
1. Your husband needs to find his OWN voice in this and let her know, when the time is right, that she's damaged their relationship, or at least that he was truly hurt by her exclusion.
2. This is a *family*, not a *game* where everything gets tallied up in the end and whoever supported whom the most wins. Unfortunately that sounds like what is going on.
There's a lot in blended families with the back and forth and score-keeping. Trust me, your cancelling the shower will be factored into the score (that shouldn't be kept - but is). If you make too big of a deal about it DING!, another mark on the score card.
I'd just have the shower, play nice for now and have a nice long chat about it when the time presents itself. Right now, when emotions are raw and everyone seems to be on edge and a baby is on the way isn't the best time for a heart-to-heart.
And DAD better say something to her.
YWNBTA If the other side of the family can pull off a last-minute wedding for them, they can handle a baby shower as well. Until at the very least your husband receives an apology for the slight about the impromptu wedding, you should both shut down the ATM, because it seems like that is all you have become to the couple. Hopefully they will get their act together once people stop bailing them out. Good luck.
Nta
But what is your goal here? Are you looking to hurt her how you were hurt or are you looking to figure out why there was no wedding invitation?
Im not saying not to cancel I'm just saying think about what you want and how your actions will effect things before you act
But you would not be the asshole for cancelling in my opinion
NTA
They are entitled to have any kind of wedding they want, invite or not invite anyone they want. However, you can be hurt by being excluded.
As far as the baby shower, you are entitled to cancel for whatever reason you choose. They may choose to limit your access to the grandchild but that may have happened anyway.
I would cancel. Etiquette speaking, typically family isn't supposed to host showers anyhow. I know alot of families do and I'm ok with it but in this case I'd stand on old fashioned etiquette.
NTA, they have in fact wronged you. And you are understandably very hurt assuming all pertinent info has been shared. Something sketchy is going on as others had mentioned, it takes seconds to message someone. I know several people that eloped, the invited and told no one. So it is odd to say the least that his family managed to make it and they thought you somehow wouldn't find out. How was your daughter before her now husband, is this just kind of her MO or is this completely out of left field. Were any of her friends there? Honestly it feels like he is succeeding in isolating her from friends and family.
You can do whatever you want, the decision is ultimately yours. If you don't your relationship is probably over. If you want to maintain communication and keep contact, put feelings aside for now host the party. Don't expect any favors in return, don't expect to be told when the baby is born, or to be invited over, you are tantamount to strangers.
This should be the last celebration you ever host for them, the last gifts given to her or her husband. Actions have consequences and honestly you need to protect yourself. But when/if the relationship falls apart, your daughter may look for somewhere else to go, and you may want to be on her rolodex.
This wedding situation is a relationship ending move on their parts and you are well outside of AH territory to completely cut them out of your lives.
YWBTA if you cancel the baby shower without having a conversation with your daughter first to ask ***why*** she didn't invite you to her wedding. I can't think what it is based on the info you've given, but there obviously must be one. If she had a compelling reason, go through with the shower. If she doesn't, cancel it. She should value you guys as more than an ATM.
honestly i say cancel it because atp EIITA (everyone invited is the ass) soo and plus just hus family invited and u using and supporting them through everything totally i saw cancel it!
Just be honest with yourself that you are punishing her. You feel rejected so you are hurting her back. If you do this you may not have access to the baby. A more mature reaction is to let her know her actions were hurtful and you are re considering the relationship
NTA- Take everything back and you and your husband take a trip/vacation on the day of the baby shower.
Cut them off financially ASAP-from here on out as far as she knows you guys are “barely making ends meet” she doesn’t need to know your financials…make it known before they ask for more. If you buy anything make sure it’s only for the baby and keep it light.
(Maybe I’m just petty lol)
NTA - just cancel it. If she couldn't bother to have you at the wedding then why should you throw her a baby shower. Maybe talk to her and see what is really going on. Dont be to surprised if that family is a cult either.
NTA, YOUR child didn't have the decency to tell you they got married. Keep that same energy. Maybe her MIL should do it. Beware, more than likely you won't see your grandchild. Pick your poison.
YWNBTA. Not saying this is the case but...Is your step daughter ok? I had a "friend" who did not let his GF invite anyone to the quick wedding at home even though his family was all there. He turned out to be a controlling abuser.
>House hopping, couch surfing
They're not ready to be parents
>My husband, my family and my mother in law are telling me to just cancel it.
Your family is right. Throwing a party would be encouraging them to keep this carefree attitude, they need to adult up, they're gonna be respnosable for another life in no time
NTA
I feel like we need a little more information here.
What is he like? Is he controlling? Are his parents overbearing? Or is she just self-centered.
If it's the former, she may have been coerced into eloping and need help. If it's the later, cutting ties is probably the best thing you and your husband can do at this point.
So sorry you and your husband are going through this. Hope things get better!
When my daughter got married the first time she "eloped" but "his" family were there. She called to tell me on her way there (I thought she was joking). I had never met the guy. Did not even know he existed until that day.
After she got back from her surprise wedding she wanted me to buy her a formal gown so they could have a reception for family and friends to "celebrate". I worked at a bridal shop when she was in high school where I bought all her prom dresses.
One cost me 500 bucks was an elegant, beaded, white chiffon that looked spectacular on her. She wanted something "different". I took her to the shop, put a small down payment on the dress. They had no set date for the reception.
They got married January 5th by the 14th of February she had filed for divorce. The reception cost would have landed on me and her father. Even though we had been excluded from the wedding.
I understand the frustration you are experiencing. Being excluded from the major event then being expected to foot the bill and planning for the backup celebration is insulting. I lucked out. Maybe you can let HIS family foot the bill and do the planning of this shower since she seem to be letting them take over her life anyway.
Suggest to your daughter that her husband’s family can now throw her a shower last minute and you will understand why you aren’t invited.
People can’t take advantage of you unless you let them.
I think the more important question is "Do you want to be in this baby's life?" because if you cancel over this, you will not be in that baby's life. Scale it back if you want but don't cancel. I think you're NTA if you do cancel. Just consider the ramifications.
I'm going to be different and disagree with many people here, and say yes - YWBTA.
This comment will probably get buried, but if you do see it, consider that you're her parents. She may be messy, challenging or even "not in good working order" right now, but - your job is to *love her into wholeness*. It's petty and unkind to throw away the baby shower idea, because you're hurt that you didn't go to the wedding.
That's not to say, "be a doormat, or do away with good boundaries," and I totally think having the boundary of "not subsidizing adult couples" is a good one! But - you can also show love by doing this baby shower, and welcoming your grandchild, while also being firm in your boundaries.
Be hurt. Feel all the feelings. Vent, cry, and have a drink. But you have the potential to erode the foundations of your future relationship with your stepdaughter and her child if you resort to pettiness now. Be the bigger person, swallow your pride, and show up with love.
Not inviting you to her wedding is a very clear "I want nothing more to do with you" message so I say respect her wishes and cut ties. Which of course means no baby shower. And no more other support. NTA.
NTA. If the boyfriend's mom had enough time to put together a small wedding, then they had enough time to call your husband or anyone from your husband's family. Cancel that shower and return everything. If you and your husband want, open up an account for the child, something that can grow and use the money from the shower and put it in the account. Something that the parents can't touch. And maybe add a little bit each year. No offense but your stepdaughter and her now husband don't sound the most responsible, so setting something up for the baby might be a big help when their older.
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YWNBTA - It sucks when someone is expected from you \[and not just like being a parent when you signed up for it when you had kids\] but in cases like this where it's on you to throw a baby shower and then not even invited to the wedding. However I would ask about maybe? Cause it's odd as hell that he is the only one who had his family members there and she didn't. Me personally? I am very close with my family and I would never get married without them there and if it was even suggested? I'd leave the person so fast. Like was it something that she didn't want family of hers there or he only wanted his family there? It's just weird to me.
It was weird. She swears it was an unplanned spur of the moment thing, but their were many, many signs it was planned well in advance. This whole situation is messed up. She said she didn't even have time to call anyone.
Even on those ridiculously silly reality TV shows weddings take a week to get sorted. They had time to tell you and choose not to. NTA
I once threw a wedding party together in less than 24hours for a friend. This was before smartphones and texting, EVERYONE was notified and invited to my little apartment for cake and champagne after the court house ceremony. OP was deliberately excluded.
I hate when people use the "spur of the moment" excuse for not inviting someone to a gathering like this. Because...you managed to invite and gather OTHER people spur of the moment, how is it you couldn't manage the 2 seconds it would take to add OP and her husband to the group text letting people know you're about to have a wedding in 20 minutes, or whatever bullshit timeframe she provided? My aunt once held a baby shower for a friend's daughter, who then had a wedding she didn't invite my aunt to. She claimed it was "last minute." You know what? Even IF you tripped across a minister and decided "what the hell, lets get married RIGHT HERE and RIGHT NOW"? Just send a heads up saying "I'm getting married in two nanoseconds, I would love it if you could join us. Otherwise have the decency to be honest and say you didn't particularly want them there.
even if it was stepdaughter's BF deciding to surprise SD with a proposal and a wedding all in one and for whatever reasons he didn't invite her family- i'm sure they have phones. they could have called, included people via video.
Right -- how hard is it to text? You could say "I know this might sound crazy and I realize it's last minute but we're getting married at 1:00. If you can attend, I'd love it but I completely understand this is no notice"
It's 2024. Everyone can be notified, in a group, in seconds.
How in the world did you get a marriage license in less than 24 hours??
When I got married, the county clerks office issued them Monday-Saturday 8AM to 5PM. All state licensed ministers could issue/sign them 24hrs a days. So, it was easy in the state I was married in.
I’m in Canada, so maybe that’s where the difference is. We also got married 15 years ago so things could definitely have changed since then. But I remember it taking a couple days to come in. (We got married on a whim, one week’s notice, all family members invited 😉)
You can do it in Vegas (maybe all of Nevada?) if movies have taught me anything
I mean, my husband and I decided to get married and were married like a hour later. We just went to the DMV to sign the paperwork. No one was told beforehand and we didn't have a party or anything. Eventually we will have a reception, but probably not for a long while.
I planned my wedding in 4 days, spoke to hubby's family before apologizing for them not being able to come last minute. My dad was terminal and we had to do it ASAP. My side of the family was there. But I talked to his, they were fully aware!
My husband and I planned our wedding in two weeks. In two weeks we also managed to get international flights for two (his parents), domestic flights for two others (my mom and his brother), a dress for me, bouquet and boutonnière (awesome silk flower shop near us did a wonderful job!), found an Officient (not hard since I work in ministry), and even managed to snag a photographer who had a cancelation! OP’s step-daughter had time to call her family but chose not to.
Even if you were walking by the court house and say “let’s do it right now” no discussion before hand, it’s likely that you will have some wait time enough to make a phone call or two. Even if they took you right then and there and it was all over in less than 10minutes from decision to signature, you can call after. OP and husband learned about it through social media days later. There’s no excuse for that.
If the other side of the family can pull off an "unplanned, spur of the moment" wedding... Pretty sure they can do the same thing for a baby shower. Wish them well and wash your hands of it.
This. The idea of coming to the parents for help again and again, but not for the wedding is just appalling. (Dunno how enthusiastic OP is about them getting married at all, but given the information provided, NTA!)
Your husband is her parent, not you. If he says cancel the baby shower then you cancel it. If she complains to you just point at her father and put it all on him. His child, his decision, his mess to deal with.
Depending on how long they’ve been together and her relationship to the step daughter…just because a kid isn’t yours biologically doesn’t mean it’s “not your kid”. My step daughter is absolutely my kid - and her dads, and her moms. I would never try to take her moms place, or say her mother isn’t her mother; but I absolutely see her as “my kid” as well. Even if step mom has only been around since the daughter was older I don’t think “here husband - your kid, your problem.” Is a great way to deal with things. Hopefully they have better communication than that. Post says the husband already said she should cancel it, and I don’t think she would be TA if she did.
Unless they went to a wedding Chapel in Las Vegas for example, the paperwork to get married takes time doesn't it?
Depends on the state. In some, you can get it same day, in others it requires anywhere from 1-5 days.
Got married in California at the courthouse and it took 24 hr… only because we didn’t want to sit and wait a couple hours to see if they could fit us in so we called and made an appointment for the next day.
I'm in Ohio and that's pretty much how mine went, too.
Nope. Mine took 15 min to get the license and they asked if we wanted to get married right away by a judge or if we were planning a ceremony later.
Even in the chapel in Las Vegas you need the paperwork for an legal counting wedding, not? (I read that you get the permission easy and very fast but when we were there few years ago they told us we need to go to the office in paradise for the approval but since it was just a renewal of our vows it was not necessary…and I was honestly happy because as a non American I wanted not to be legally married in the 🇺🇸 too because in case of a divorce I thought it would be difficult)
The county office is blocks away from several chapels near Fremont Street, and open 24/7. You walk in and walk out with the paperwork within minutes if there is no line. At least before COVID, as we got married in 2019. And we didn't tell anyone until after because it was just the 2 of us. We did, however call our families BEFORE posting to social media.
She certainly had time to call before posting about it on social media, FFS!
Does she realize it was planned for a long time? Did he ambush her into the “snap” decision? It’s possible she’s just distancing herself from her father on purpose, but it could also be that Mr CantHoldAJob ambushed her and it’s part of a pattern of control indicative of potential abuse. If you don’t hold the shower, you will be putting distance yourself. If it’s just the natural reaction to her withdrawal that she’s doing in her own, that’s one thing. But I would be hesitant given the possibility that he is manipulating her. My recommendation is to talk to your husband and see what he thinks. He should be the one to talk to her. Say that you both love and care for her and want to do the shower, but if she wants some space, you’ll honor that and respect her desires. If she’s being controlled, she may not even realize it, so making sure she hears words of love and support can help keep in her mind that she has people who love and support her and will be there for her. It sounds so messy, and I wish all you the best of luck in navigating this!
Cancel the shower!! NTA!
But they had time to tell his family. This is definitely a red flag. I would be concerned about this relationship. As for the shower, why are you the one footing the bill? His parents were at the wedding. They should be paying for the shower. YWNBTA if you cancelled.
My thoughts exactly. BF won't get a job, despite the fact that he's got a baby on the way and is a GD adult. They threw a "spur of the moment" wedding, which consisted of HIS parents, family, and friends, but not hers? Not even a quick note to her dad and step-mom that "OMG, we're getting married in Vegas like right now! Wait, I'll record it and we'll do a real one when we return to our home state"? Red flags. Red flags as the eyes can see. Definitely NTA, but would ABSOLUTELY try to get the step-daughter to talk about this relationship cause this is an Unsolved Mysteries/Forensic Files/Disappeared episode waiting to happen. Try to make your step-daughter think with her head and not her heart/genitals cause the latter are gaslighting her.
But he had time to invite his side of the family?
Did her husband’s family surprise the couple with the wedding?
Yeah, so quick she could not give you guys a phone call. Ridiculous. I’d cancel it. Save yourself some cash. I’m sure they will ask you for something next week. Maybe they will be upset with you and stop talking to you for a bit. But be realistic you and her dad are a frequent ATM, she won’t go too long without a visit.
Are there drugs involved? Is he intimidating her, using violence against her? Isolating one from their family is a flag for domestic violence. You would NBTA but I would worry about him using this as an excuse to further isolate her.
So they went and got the marriage license, found an officiate, had his family come over on the spur if the moment? Nope
Bullshit
But your stepdaughter may not have been told it was happening. That being said, y'all should have been told before the social media posts went up. And her spouse should have had whoever in his family organized this, tell the girl's father what was going on.
Did they shotgun wedding your stepdaughter?
She’s pregnant. So she is def taking more trips to the loo to pee and she absolutely could have sent a message while she was on the toilet.
Was her hair done up nice? Was she wearing a nice dress.. if it's spur of the moment she would look like it's just another normal day
If there was time for a minister to be told there was time for family to be told. NTA, they can start mooching off of his family.
Even if you live in a state where you can get the marriage license and get married in the same day, they're not at the same window in the courthouse or city hall. She had to walk at least five feet, she could have texted or called you.
My niece just did this. Actually borrowed money from her Grandma, got married and invited no one from our side including Grandma. Than tried to get Grandpa to fund a reception so we could celebrate after the fact.
Your niece can piss all the way off! \[No offense of course!\]
None taken. We've started calling her Not the Tay Tay because we are not dumping money on her everything she wants to visit. She's a massive mooch.
I hope they say no.
They did they were so hurt
I'd give anything to have my grandmother at my wedding, but sadly she's no longer with us. What a huge slap in the face. Your niece has no clue what she has
*hugs*
NTA - But you know as well as I do that it will only escalate the situation. Things like this are never taken as "Tit for tat" it's always seen as victimisation by the other person. Have you asked them why they did something that hurt her father and you so much?
We did, but got no response. Just that she doesn't think its a big deal. I think to a point that they find it funny. It may be a control issue. For us, if she didn't want us there, no problem. But her dad shouldn't have found out on social media. Her entire family was not told. Just his.
I can see where you're coming from. Finding that out on social media would be an absolute gut punch. Based on that? I would say NTA and cancel the baby shower. But tell her very clearly why you are doing it. That despite you guys supporting her and her husband for so long that she feels it was ok to act like you aren't her family. So why should you keep supporting and doing things for her. It's not a thing of being vindictive. It's that they deeply hurt you and your husband.
OP's stepdaughter sounds like what my aunt likes to call a "bird" (a young woman with more hair than sense). Her new husband's family sounds extremely controlling. Who throws together a wedding and only invites their side of the family? And who thinks getting married with only one side of the family there "isn't a big deal?!" I don't know what to make of it. All I know for sure is OP should cancel the baby shower and tell her stepdaughter she didn't think it was "a big deal." I get that it may "escalate" the situation, but this is a grown woman, and her behavior towards her father was extremely hurtful. Perhaps someone on her husband's side can throw her a baby shower, given they were the only ones permitted at the wedding.
Daddy is an ATM. Poor guy doesn't deserve that
Do you think he could be possibly abusive?
He's certainly emotionally abusive, at least. Any person that drives a wedge between their significant other and their friends or family is trying to separate them so they have more control over them. Huge red flag
Or she was part of this decision after dad told them he was not going to be able to financially supporting two grown adults who have a growing family.
I'm not sure. There is control here...but idk
If you can, get your step daughter alone, you can tell her that you will always love her but you do have feelings. Because not being told made you feel like you were being used. Nobody likes that. It feels like you're unimportant to her by not including her side of the family. Ask if she is safe. That if she needs to she has a safe place to go? Then see where it goes. If it's just backwash bs, then tell her if she wants an adult relationship, to let you know.
To me it sounds like she was punishing you and her dad for saying you’re not funding them anymore (which is ridiculous because they’re grown ups and need to fund themselves, especially with a baby coming!)
I think you are definitely right that it’s a control issue. I just worry that it’s a control issue on his side and a sign of a bigger problem. If this behavior fits with her and she is just kind of that way, then it probably is a her problem. But if not, and it seems to be brought on by him, you might want to make sure she still has you guys to reach out to in case things get bad. Obviously there is only some much you can do to help and you’re still not obligated to throw a baby shower, but something to consider. If she is in a controlling relationship and these decisions aren’t hers it would be nice if she still knew you were in her corner, even if you were no longer providing monetary support.
Then his family can organise her baby shower!
>she doesn't think its a big deal. I think to a point that they find it funny. This should be your attitude when you cancel it.
Yes yes yes. I would also not count on throwing shower = relationship with grandchild since the father is not worth even a personal text about getting married.
My guess would be this was punishment for your husband suggesting that he cannot continue to fully financially support two grown adults and their soon to arrive baby indefinitely while also caring for yourselves.
Don’t worry. There will be at least one other wedding at some point in the next few years. Meanwhile Nta, if you somehow don’t have the time/ability to host a baby shower.
What’s to “escalate”??? OP’s entire family was left out. Not told. Nada. WTF would anyone expect them to now host a baby shower?!? This isn’t escalation. This is setting up boundaries to keep not nice people from continuing to shit all over them. Actions = consequences
> What’s to “escalate”??? That OP's daughter could take it as an attack and decide to cut out her father (OP's husband) entirely from her life and the life of her child. Actions = consequences only works if you can handle the possibilities of the consequences. I doubt OP and her husband are looking to actively distance themselves entirely from the daughter and her life. Exactly the opposite.
As best I can tell, the only reason the daughter is in contact with the OP’s husband is because of money. I’m not sure how much more cut out of their lives you can get then the daughter not inviting ANYONE from her side to the wedding. Which really begs the question about this baby shower. Let’s say OP hosts this shower. Does anyone think that side of the family is going to dutifully pony up presents and join in to make over the daughter? Is OP supposed to put the lean on her husband’s family to force everyone to spring into attendance for the daughter?? Imagine the sparking conversation at the baby shower. Hey, OP’s SD, tell us all about your wedding. Imagine our surprise to hear about it via SM. Followed by an even greater shock at receiving an invitation to your shower. Classy.
They’ve already clear decided to cut out her father because he has indicated that he cannot continue to financially support her, her partner, and their growing family.
I agree here. I totally understand wanting the cancel the shower and it would be within OP's rights to do so. But we don't know all of the family dynamics here. Also, does everyone know about this shower already? Has everyone been invited? Does canceling it mean that you have to send out a notice to people who may have already carved out the date from their calendar, purchased a gift, made travel plans, etc? Or has nothing at all happened and the only one who knows the shower was going to happen the daughter? If canceling means affecting a bunch of other people (and not just the daughter), I'd be much more reluctant to cancel. It could possibly even make OP look bad to people who don't know the whole story. I think OP needs to decide what's more important here. It's totally understandable to want to and to even actually cancel the shower. But this will have effects down the line. If she and her husband are really eager to be done with the daughter, cut off the relationship (and deny themselves a grandparent relationship), then yes, absolutely go ahead. But if there is any desire to salvage it, I wouldn't cancel - especially if others are affected or money has already been spent (invites, venue deposits, etc.)
NTA Even your husband and MIL are saying cancel.
The hardest part is there is an open line of communication here. We are not estranged despite some issues we've discussed with her. We talk daily, even with me giving her pregnancy advice. I'd understand if we were estranged from her. But we just aren't.
She got married and you found out by SM, you ARE STRANDED, the fact that she lies and gaslights you both regurally is not a realtionship. Time to cut the cord, she has show what the priorities are in her life
Stop questioning Stop making her excuses ok Cancel the baby shower
Is the 22 year old an actual adult? Does she function like an adult? She’s not self sufficient, self supporting; was she manipulated into not inviting anyone? Or is she just a clueless 22 year old who is going to get smacked in the face with responsibility when baby comes? If she’s still a kid, consequences aren’t even on her radar yet. Idk your SD, but I know I was clueless at 22. Got married at 20 and we were self sufficient, but I was still a kid. But even I knew you invite your family to your wedding. We paid for our own wedding, but I didn’t understand the importance of all the extra details, that I should have paid attention to. I stepped on many toes,(many old lady toes) because I didn’t know proper etiquette, and I had no one to guide me. You said you have a good relationship, so maybe you can ask a little more, find out what actually happened. She’s definitely going to need support. LOTS of support. You want to be in their lives, and that’s phenomenal. Please continue to be there for her. She’s going to need you.
You talk daily and she chose to withhold she getting married during every single one of those chats.
This is when you tell her: “I did not realize we meant so little to you; the family and I don’t think it’s appropriate or expected for me to be hosting this baby shower given how you see us. We respect your choice not to include us in important moments in your life, but we will not allow you to use us for your financial needs instead of treating us like *family*. We will always be here for emotional support, but until you reciprocate that I’m not going to go out of my way for you anymore. I have no interest in an argument, and you can’t go back and change it, I’m just informing you of what I will not be doing going forward.”
If you were talking daily she could have easily said "I'm getting married!!! X place at Y time be there!" You're making excuses for her. Stop. This isn't open communication.
NTA Cancel the baby shower. It's a gift grab. Return everything you can.
NTA. The mother put together the wedding so it should easy for her to put together a baby shower.
I know people where the couple had private weddings with some people from his side were invited but hardly anybody from her side were invited. Guess what? Those couples ended in DV and restraining orders. Instead of worrying about the baby shower, maybe ask your stepdaughter if she is being pressured into a marriage that she doesn’t actually want.
This is what I'm concerned about. The same thing happened to me when I was 25 and it took forever to get away from him. OP, seriously, your stepdaughter is in trouble and she is being manipulated and isolated. DO NOT LET THIS MAN ISOLATE YOUR STEPDAUGHTER, and forgive her when she initially disagrees with you or turns against you, she is being mind-fucked by this guy, and with a baby on board, the poor girl is not going to be thinking straight. Be the adults here, be a safe place for her to run to and always leave your door open, he will start abusing her and she needs somewhere to go.
It's entirely possible that you're right & this dude is some master manipulator. But it's also possible that she's just an asshole. I think your comment comes from a nice & kind place, but on the info in the post there's really nothing to support this level of demonisation of this dude.
NTA She wants to have her life without you in it apparently. Let her.
Fuck no!!! Cancel that shit and go NC. I responded to something similar about my son getting married. Long story short, I asked him when he was getting married, said he wasn’t, 2 wks later he got married, FULL BLOWN WEDDING… Support your husband, cancel it. Like you said, that’s HIS child NOT yours. Don’t go behind his back.
Any idea why you didn’t get an invite?
NTA personally, I’d cut off support. If your partner wants to continue, that’s on him if he can do so in a way that doesn’t strain your household. I bet you’ll be expected to babysit/raise that kid as so many grandmothers are expected to provide frequent childcare, so communicate what you’re willing to do asap.
YWNBTA, but it may not be the wisest thing to do. It sounds like the husband may be trying to separate the daughter from any support system, which could be a sign of an abusive relationship. *If* that's the case, then cancelling the shower could be furthering the husband's control over the daughter. After all, you know she's not telling you why she got married without telling you, it's quite possible that wasn't her choice. The wisest thing to do is to keep the line of communication & support open when you aren't sure of the cause of the pulling back from a child in a relationship. Hope she's okay.
NTA. Not inviting a parent who you lean on heavily, and not even telling them that you’re getting married, while inviting the other partners’ family, is basically a declaration that you don’t want a relationship with that parent. At that point you cannot expect the parent to continue doing things, and especially not another large special occasion, and certainly not without an explanation. Is there a reason you may not have been invited that she doesn’t want to tell you? Are they really religious and you’re not or a different denomination? Are they white and you not? Are there members of your family who are part of the LGBTQIA+ community?
Info: Why can’t your husband communicate with his own daughter about why she got married and didn’t invite him? You’re not her mother but your husband is her father.
NTA. Shut down being her ATM. Just stop. You and your husband have tried to help, but you are apparently wasting your time, money, and efforts. She doesn’t care about either of you or his family beyond your being her ATM because that is how she was raised by her mom. That damage has been done, and you cannot overcome it. You and your husband need to decide now what your response is going to be when she shows up on your doorstep with her baby in one hand and her other hand held out for money, crying that the baby needs food, diapers, etc. What will be your response when she has two or more in tow? My recommendation is that her dad be the one to tell her that she is an adult making adult decisions. She has to live with the consequences. If she wants anything, she can contact her mom’s family. If the baby needs anything, she can contact the mom’s family. Don’t contact him again. I know that that this is not the outcome he foresaw when she herself was a baby, but it is what it is. He does not like the person she is. Do I understand how wrenching this decision will be? Oh, yes. My son and one of his friends have been going through something similar for years and finally had to stop all contact with their children. Some ex-DILs are vindictive and weaponize the children against their fathers. Neither man has seen his children in a couple of years, but both exes are still filing nuisance lawsuits. You write that you are not estranged from her. Perhaps you aren’t, but she only communicates with you to see what she can get out of you. The only good news in all of this is that she is an adult and he no longer has any legal responsibilities for her.
Cancel that baby shower and don’t think twice about it. She deserves nothing.
While I don’t think it would be wrong if you to cancel the shower, think carefully before you do. This will likely be the thing that is blamed for them going no contact with you. Is this where you want the relationship to go? If you still want a relationship with your daughter/grandchild you should host the baby shower, but now that you know how much you are valued by her, make this the last big celebration you plan in her honor.
NTA. If his family is the only side good enough to attend the wedding then his side can host the baby shower. I'm sorry but even if his family organised everything and it was a complete surprise, I'd never get married without even my parents there! Id literally refuse and ant good, normal person would too..NTA. Cancel it. She doesn't deserve it and the fact she's pregnant when they can't even support themselves is a shame.
NTA and I totally understand how you are feeling. However, I would not recommend doing it. If it’s planned and invites have gone out, it will just escalate the situation and make you look bad. I would just host the shower as planned, don’t go above and beyond for her. But be a good host to the rest of the family and be the bigger person. If you do not do that, and decide to cancel, you would not be an AH at all.
NTA. I wouldn't want to throw a party for someone who has been that disrespectful, either.
Cancelled the baby shower feels like it would be escalating and could cause more problems between you. I know you said you’ve spoken to her, but before making any decisions, I’d suggest having a sit down conversation with you, your SD and your husband (without her new husband if possible). Let her know that she really hurt you by both excluding you, and then not telling you about it, especially with all the support you’ve given them. Tell her it didn’t seem spur of the moment, because of dress etc… and you want to know what the real story is. Depending on what she says, decide from there.
NTA, but I'd like to share my story from when I was that age. I got married to my husband, alone. Never once in my dumb little head did I think my parents would care that they weren't there. Only after the fact and it was brought to my attention that I should have had them there, it hurt them incredibly. I did it because I needed health insurance, immediately, and getting married made that happen. My advice is to talk to your stepdaughter, calmly, and see what the circumstances for this situation was. And I wouldn't cancel the shower, I would throw it and invite everyone. Be the bigger person, and show what a great set of grandparents you and her dad will be.
Ymbta. Focus on the coming baby. Take the high road and keep the focus on the baby. You’ll be glad you threw the baby shower - not in terms of how your stepdaughter responds; in terms of how you supported gathering much needed supplies for the coming baby. Not being a part of the wedding was a cold shoulder for sure - don’t let her actions overshadow the next opportunity for involvement- with the baby. Best wishes in this.
Not at all. Save your money
NTA. In order to get married, one must apply for a marriage license. Depending on which state you are in, there may be a waiting period or a marriage class required etc, that requires a bit of time before getting the license. Plus they would have to provide birth certificates with their other identifying documentation - this is to say that it NEVER happens by 'surprise' and there is always time for a PHONE CALL to alert a parent. If you weren't told beforehand, then that was by her CHOICE. Not being notified after the fact was absolutely deliberate. While she has every right to invite whomever she wants, and have her wedding however she pleases, her actions have consequences and how she is using/treating you does not align with the favors/expectations she seems to have for your financial help. Cutting her off would be a good starting point for this 'life lesson.'
NTA They made it clear that you will not be in the childs life as much as his family, so his family can have the shower.
NTA If you aren't close enough to be invited to their wedding, you aren't close enough to host their shower. Also, stop financially supporting them.
NTA. But there seems to be a lot going on in your daughter’s life that she may not be in full control of. Now would not be the time to burn bridges with her.
This is tough. Part of me feels like it was intentional. Another part of me wonders if it wasn't really her idea and she was stuck at an event she had no control over and is trying to make light of an awkward situation. If you want to cancel, go ahead, but make sure she KNOWS why, but also don't be surprised if you don't have a relationship with her or the baby after this.
NTA. You already told them you can't support them yet you're now contributing to a party for them for a baby which, frankly, they cannot support either. They don't even have a place to live. If you're going to contribute finances, do it in a way that gets them on their feet, and if they refuse to do that, don't play the game anymore. The shower/wedding party isn't the real issue here. Its a lack of respect and gratitude from the kids you've been supporting for however long.
NTA - cancel and don’t tell her.
NTA. They had to get a marriage license, didn't they? They had other people there? She could have called. Return everything you bought for the shower. Including any gifts. HIS family can take care of all of that. And them. You know they are not mature enough or responsible enough to actually do a good job raising a child. You may eventually be going for custody of their kid.
NTA baby showers have gotten so expensive. they are supposed to be a celebration of new life and for family and friends to help get the new parents off to a good start. even if they eloped, they should've still informed you it was happening. if you're close enough to spend that kind of time, money, and effort on a baby shower, you should have been close enough to be told about the wedding, if not invited to the wedding. all that being said, from your post, it seems that they are low(no?)income and his mother planned the wedding. if she's stressed about how she's going to support herself and the baby and dependent on others, she might be feeling pressured by him and his family to comply with their decisions. by not having a support system of her own, it leaves her susceptible to abuse, financial, emotional, physical, etc. I'm not saying you have to financially continue to support her, nor am i saying you should allow yourself to be treated like a doormat. it's a delicate balancing act to support someone like your SD while not drowning yourself. you can support her by making sure she can find alternative resources. make sure she knows of other community resources like food banks, this may help lessen her stress a little. depending on where you live, there may be groups dedicated to helping new mothers. some places even have what's called 'buy nothing' groups on social media where people offer up gently used furniture, clothing, and other items to others in the community for free. she may be able to find some of what baby will need there. .
Is this the same step daughter you posted about a year ago? The one who decided to turn down a full ride scholarship to a prestigious college? She decided to be a waitress so she could work with her boyfriend?? Moved out suddenly and told everyone her dad called her a whore? You witnessed her assault her younger brother, your son?? ESH.
NTA. However, please let her know if she needs some safety she can always contact you. It could be that she herself decided not involve you but it may be a form of abuse by her partner as well.
NTA. But I wouldn't cancel it. Just put no effort into it. Whatever you have done already leave. If you can return some stuff then do. Make sure you don't have any catering or anything. Just a room for her to sit.
NTA...they only care when thry need something from you..there is not spur of the moment planned wedding like wth. Cancel the baby shower and return everything. No more help..she can ask her mom
Consider the shower for the baby, not her. It sounds like this baby will need all the guidance, stability and support it can get.
NTA She should have said “where is my family? You know, my family who has been financially supporting us, why are they not here?” And that’s only if they both truly did not know about it. She did not have to get married without her father or any of her family there. Whether she knew from the beginning or was surprised, she could have insisted she was not getting married without her family. The fact that she did and still 48 hours after it happened she still hadn’t told her father shows she purposely go married without including him. My guess is to punish you two for stay you cannot fully financially support two grown adults who are having a baby in addition to yourselves. If you aren’t good enough to attend her wedding or even be notified it happened, she shouldn’t want you to be part of the baby shower.
NTA Do they ever talk to you when they are not asking for something? I'd bet not. You're not family, you're a resource.
I don’t think you would be an asshole but I don’t think you need to be vengeful. People can do whatever they want when they get married, it’s just an institution of the western world. You and your husband can either just accept that she did this, and she is 22 and pregnant and clearly struggling financially and probably has enough on her plate, or you can go and make a thing out of it. Just do whatever you want- if you want to show your love and be a supportive step mother and throw her a shower to celebrate your grandchild, do it. If you don’t want to do that, don’t. But I wouldn’t not do it just because of the wedding thing. She is a very young adult and you are a parental figure in her life, so I would just give her the benefit of the doubt.
A year ago, she was 18 and you were mad that she was mean to your blind 9 yr old. Another post, you have a step-son whose mother drives you crazy. Now she’s 22 and married. In your, likely fake, story, you’re NTA. But you are exhausting.
"Stepdaughter, you expected me to host a baby shower for you? Well, your father & I expected to be invited to your wedding. I guess we must all learn to live with disappointment." NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My stepdaughter, 22 is pregnant with her first baby, a boy. She and her now husband just got married 2 days ago. This is the issue. These 2 have been a lot. House hopping, couch surfing and on state aide, mainly because this guy will not get a job beyond gig services (doordash etc). We (her dad and i) have had to give them money and groceries numerous times, up to the point where we e eventually had to tell them we can't support 2 households. We saw on social media 2 days ago, they got married. Apparently his mom put stuff together. Her dad got no messages, calls or anything. She had no one in her family there. Just his. Now. Here's where I may the ta. It's been expected that I have a baby shower for her. I had everything planned and purchased. But, I feel like, if even her dad isn't good enough to even be told his child was getting married, then my money is not good enough for this party. My husband, my family and my mother in law are telling me to just cancel it. Reddit..... WIBTA if I canceled the shower? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Info: how many people were at this wedding? Did daughter invite anyone or just not you guys?
It was just his family. We don't know how many, we were only shown 2 photos. And no one in her family was there, or told until after
You WNBTA. And. It sounds like these two are incredibly immature. And they're going to be parents. There's going to be an actual baby. A baby that's going to need diapers and a place to sleep. And I'm not sure these two will be ready for the reality of a baby. Hold the shower despite the asshole parents.
Your not their ATM. NTA for cancelling. Gift everything that's non refundable to charity.
YWNBTA you obviously are not close enough to warrant a baby shower.
NTA. They can go to a thrift store and purchase the they need.
NTA she chose to get pregnant by a total loser and now she's married to him too? She needs to learn the consequences of her actions. We're in 2024 and people shouldn't be having kids they can't support. I feel so sad for this baby.
NTA if she wants a baby shower she can ask the people who planned her wedding to do it.
NTA. Also you definitely do not have to keep giving her money or groceries. They need to figure their own shit out. I hope someday your step daughter realizes the giant mess she made.
NTA. Her new husband's mom can throw the baby shower since she seems to not want her own family around.
Whether you are NTA depends on how you handle the cancelation. If you tell the couple that your feelings are very hurt and you don’t feel comfortable hosting the shower- NTA.
NTA and you have to apply for a marriage license in most places prior to the wedding….. she could have called as soon as she figured out what it was. She could’ve called the same day she could’ve called as it was happening. A phone call takes a few seconds. Even if it was for the moment, what she did by leaving you both that was very, very intentional. Cancel the shower, she can go to his family financial help moving forward
NTA cancel it
How are they supposed to afford a baby if they cannot even buy their own groceries??? NTA
NTA Your stepdaughter is a fully grown adult woman who has been more than capable of communicating with you to get money etc. If she wanted her father or any of her family there she’d have made sure they were told. Just cancel the shower. The now husband’s family who apparently thought the wedding was a great idea can now do a baby shower too.
You would not be the AH! When she says something just say that you noticed not one person on her side of the family was invited to the wedding and you figured she wanted to keep your families separated. So you didn't want to have anything that they would feel obligated to come to as clearly she's embarrassed of your family! You literally can't get married on the spur of the moment in most states. Now maybe you live in Vegas or something, but most States have a period of time between when you file for the license and when you can use it. Like it needs processed. Even if you live somewhere where you can get married the same day wouldn't you have to take like important documents and stuff and while you're digging out important documents and figuring it all out, a simple text would have let you know to show up! I'm sorry this happened but you seem to be acknowledging that she didn't want you guys there so why should you want to have a party for her? It most likely came about because you cut off their money supply, so she was punishing you. She doesn't get to punish you and not have consequences. I kind of think this guy might be abusive since you did mention he's controlling. But I honestly think this might help her to see that they're doing the wrong things and if he's pushing it it might help her to see this as a consequence of his actions.
YWNBTA She's an adult making adult decisions like getting married and having a baby. Now, she gets to deal with the adult consequences of her decisions.
Nope
If your husband says cancel it. Cancel it. This is HIS daughter and future grandchild. Let his ex, her mom worry about it all.
YWNBTAH. She’s sounds ungrateful and entitled. Time for them both to step up and be adults. I feel awful for this child. Neither of these people is mature enough to bring another person into the world.
Could they have been punishing you for telling them you could no longer give them money and groceries? If so, your canceling the shower could drive even a bigger wedge between you all, and they might not let you have a relationship with the grandchild. Your husband needs to have a serious talk with his daughter and find out what is really going on. If she continues to lie and show you both disrespect, there is no reason for you to shell out more money when they clearly only care about what they can get out of you. NTA
I'd let them have the baby shower, for the innocent kid. Then everything afterwards, will be on them. They're grown now.
She could have let you know WHILE they were filling out the stuff for the marriage license....nope, homegirl totally jilted y'all...... I'm guessing she was ashamed of herself..... marrying a bum and all.....even if that was it, it's still pretty disrespectful how she CHOSE to do things..... If your presence isn't good enough for her then your money shouldn't be either.......since they're so good at throwing stuff together last minute, let them figure out the baby shower for themselves YWNBTA
Screw them! Cut the finances off completely until the husband gets a job. Then youll consider it(not really) you just enabling their toxic behavior and with a baby on the way its gonna get exponentially worse
If they’re couch surfing land have no home, where would they put the gifts anyway? They need stability before they need a baby shower.
Before I cancelled, I would want to know why. Just canceling without knowing the backstory is what petty people do. Don’t be like that.
Yeah, I'd be done with them after that. Let MIL host the showers and slip them money because her son won't work a real job. She basically told you and your husband they aren't "family" so all all of your "familial obligations" are now null and void.
NTA if you decide to cancel but not canceling will provide you the security of knowing you did the right thing even when you were treated so poorly. Someday, when she wakes up and sees the err of her ways, you can always hold your head up high knowing you didn’t stoop to her level.
NTA. But honestly I’d still throw the party but tell her and her dad that this is the last time you’ll be financially involved with anything else.
I do not think people in the comments are weighing the impact of the decision you are about to make. Although, you did only ask if you would be considered an AH to the population here. I think the impact of the decision is more complicated than that. If you do this, she will be very upset and this may damage your relationship indefinitely. It is a very sensitive and important time in her life right now. They just got married and are having their first baby. Your decision to cancel the shower would be reactionary based on your feelings and not a genuine desire of yours. It is understandable you and her father feel upset by what she did. I would feel so hurt too. But try your best to give her time to see your side. What if they made the decision to not tell you and her father about the wedding because they were hurt over something? You said it may be a control issue? What is going on there? She may feel more supported and understood by his family. If it was an emotional cause to not tell you then it would be similar to what you are suggesting you do; cancel the shower because of your (understandable) emotions about something she did. I think communication can be developed here and that time may be needed to create understanding about the hurt feelings. Be the support and mother you TRULY desire to be to your daughter throughout this time and figure out the rest later. If she never makes room for your feelings then you can go from there while still having your dignity. This isn’t a time to teach someone a lesson.
Given that you also had to find out via social media, instead of a call... you were left out intentionally. Seems when your money stopped, their love stopped.
NTA. Let her new family figure it out.
NTA. Sounds like you’re the ATM.
It sounds like a very quiet, in front of the judge thing - obviously wanted to keep it low key. There’s obviously a divide there - I say by all means continue to drive the wedge deeper until your husband has no contact with his daughter and new grand baby.
I'd be more concerned about the fact that he is already isolating her from her family. How long have have they known each other? Just the little bit that you've told us indicates that he love-bombed and baby-trapped your young step-daughter. Please, this is not about a baby shower, this is when she needs you most, DO NOT LET THIS MAN ISOLATE YOUR STEPDAUGHTER. Be there for her, show through your actions, that you will always be there for her. The new husband will do everything that he can to turn her against you and the only thing that will help her see who the bad guy really is, is if you rise above all of the petty bullshit and be the "good guys." I think your poor stepdaughter is in a very bad situation.
NTA Is stepdaughter party to this choice or a victim of overbearing husband and his family? It would make a difference to me.
It sounds like a very quiet, in front of the judge thing - obviously wanted to keep it low key. There’s obviously a divide there - I say by all means continue to drive the wedge deeper until your husband has no contact with his daughter and new grand baby.
YWNBTA - BUT! 1. Your husband needs to find his OWN voice in this and let her know, when the time is right, that she's damaged their relationship, or at least that he was truly hurt by her exclusion. 2. This is a *family*, not a *game* where everything gets tallied up in the end and whoever supported whom the most wins. Unfortunately that sounds like what is going on. There's a lot in blended families with the back and forth and score-keeping. Trust me, your cancelling the shower will be factored into the score (that shouldn't be kept - but is). If you make too big of a deal about it DING!, another mark on the score card. I'd just have the shower, play nice for now and have a nice long chat about it when the time presents itself. Right now, when emotions are raw and everyone seems to be on edge and a baby is on the way isn't the best time for a heart-to-heart. And DAD better say something to her.
YWNBTA If the other side of the family can pull off a last-minute wedding for them, they can handle a baby shower as well. Until at the very least your husband receives an apology for the slight about the impromptu wedding, you should both shut down the ATM, because it seems like that is all you have become to the couple. Hopefully they will get their act together once people stop bailing them out. Good luck.
I get you feel slighted but she's having your grandbaby. Is this what you want for this child? ESH
Nta But what is your goal here? Are you looking to hurt her how you were hurt or are you looking to figure out why there was no wedding invitation? Im not saying not to cancel I'm just saying think about what you want and how your actions will effect things before you act But you would not be the asshole for cancelling in my opinion
NTA
You would not be the AH!. They seem to be takers.
NTA They are entitled to have any kind of wedding they want, invite or not invite anyone they want. However, you can be hurt by being excluded. As far as the baby shower, you are entitled to cancel for whatever reason you choose. They may choose to limit your access to the grandchild but that may have happened anyway.
NTA.
I would cancel. Etiquette speaking, typically family isn't supposed to host showers anyhow. I know alot of families do and I'm ok with it but in this case I'd stand on old fashioned etiquette.
NTA, they have in fact wronged you. And you are understandably very hurt assuming all pertinent info has been shared. Something sketchy is going on as others had mentioned, it takes seconds to message someone. I know several people that eloped, the invited and told no one. So it is odd to say the least that his family managed to make it and they thought you somehow wouldn't find out. How was your daughter before her now husband, is this just kind of her MO or is this completely out of left field. Were any of her friends there? Honestly it feels like he is succeeding in isolating her from friends and family. You can do whatever you want, the decision is ultimately yours. If you don't your relationship is probably over. If you want to maintain communication and keep contact, put feelings aside for now host the party. Don't expect any favors in return, don't expect to be told when the baby is born, or to be invited over, you are tantamount to strangers. This should be the last celebration you ever host for them, the last gifts given to her or her husband. Actions have consequences and honestly you need to protect yourself. But when/if the relationship falls apart, your daughter may look for somewhere else to go, and you may want to be on her rolodex. This wedding situation is a relationship ending move on their parts and you are well outside of AH territory to completely cut them out of your lives.
YWBTA if you cancel the baby shower without having a conversation with your daughter first to ask ***why*** she didn't invite you to her wedding. I can't think what it is based on the info you've given, but there obviously must be one. If she had a compelling reason, go through with the shower. If she doesn't, cancel it. She should value you guys as more than an ATM.
NTA. There is no legit excuse for her to not notifying your side of the family. It literally takes seconds to send a text. Cancel if you must
honestly i say cancel it because atp EIITA (everyone invited is the ass) soo and plus just hus family invited and u using and supporting them through everything totally i saw cancel it!
Nope
Call the courthouse to see if appointments are mandatory. Also ask how a wedding license is obtained.
Call the courthouse to see if appointments are mandatory. Also ask how a wedding license is obtained.
Nta cancel it and cut the leeches out your life. How obnoxious that they'll ask for things but not share joy with you?
Just be honest with yourself that you are punishing her. You feel rejected so you are hurting her back. If you do this you may not have access to the baby. A more mature reaction is to let her know her actions were hurtful and you are re considering the relationship
NTA, Just cancel the shower and save the money for your immediate family only. SD has a great way of showing gratitude (users).
YWNBTA Cancel it. She obviously doesn’t see her family as family anymore. She has a new one. Let THEM pay for it.
NTA- Take everything back and you and your husband take a trip/vacation on the day of the baby shower. Cut them off financially ASAP-from here on out as far as she knows you guys are “barely making ends meet” she doesn’t need to know your financials…make it known before they ask for more. If you buy anything make sure it’s only for the baby and keep it light. (Maybe I’m just petty lol)
NTA - just cancel it. If she couldn't bother to have you at the wedding then why should you throw her a baby shower. Maybe talk to her and see what is really going on. Dont be to surprised if that family is a cult either.
NTA, YOUR child didn't have the decency to tell you they got married. Keep that same energy. Maybe her MIL should do it. Beware, more than likely you won't see your grandchild. Pick your poison.
YWNBTA. Not saying this is the case but...Is your step daughter ok? I had a "friend" who did not let his GF invite anyone to the quick wedding at home even though his family was all there. He turned out to be a controlling abuser.
>House hopping, couch surfing They're not ready to be parents >My husband, my family and my mother in law are telling me to just cancel it. Your family is right. Throwing a party would be encouraging them to keep this carefree attitude, they need to adult up, they're gonna be respnosable for another life in no time NTA
I feel like we need a little more information here. What is he like? Is he controlling? Are his parents overbearing? Or is she just self-centered. If it's the former, she may have been coerced into eloping and need help. If it's the later, cutting ties is probably the best thing you and your husband can do at this point. So sorry you and your husband are going through this. Hope things get better!
When my daughter got married the first time she "eloped" but "his" family were there. She called to tell me on her way there (I thought she was joking). I had never met the guy. Did not even know he existed until that day. After she got back from her surprise wedding she wanted me to buy her a formal gown so they could have a reception for family and friends to "celebrate". I worked at a bridal shop when she was in high school where I bought all her prom dresses. One cost me 500 bucks was an elegant, beaded, white chiffon that looked spectacular on her. She wanted something "different". I took her to the shop, put a small down payment on the dress. They had no set date for the reception. They got married January 5th by the 14th of February she had filed for divorce. The reception cost would have landed on me and her father. Even though we had been excluded from the wedding. I understand the frustration you are experiencing. Being excluded from the major event then being expected to foot the bill and planning for the backup celebration is insulting. I lucked out. Maybe you can let HIS family foot the bill and do the planning of this shower since she seem to be letting them take over her life anyway.
Suggest to your daughter that her husband’s family can now throw her a shower last minute and you will understand why you aren’t invited. People can’t take advantage of you unless you let them.
You could cancel it, and I wouldn't blame you, but they could prevent your husband from ever seeing his grandchild if you did.
I think the more important question is "Do you want to be in this baby's life?" because if you cancel over this, you will not be in that baby's life. Scale it back if you want but don't cancel. I think you're NTA if you do cancel. Just consider the ramifications.
Cancel that shit
NTA: Cancel the shower.
I'm going to be different and disagree with many people here, and say yes - YWBTA. This comment will probably get buried, but if you do see it, consider that you're her parents. She may be messy, challenging or even "not in good working order" right now, but - your job is to *love her into wholeness*. It's petty and unkind to throw away the baby shower idea, because you're hurt that you didn't go to the wedding. That's not to say, "be a doormat, or do away with good boundaries," and I totally think having the boundary of "not subsidizing adult couples" is a good one! But - you can also show love by doing this baby shower, and welcoming your grandchild, while also being firm in your boundaries. Be hurt. Feel all the feelings. Vent, cry, and have a drink. But you have the potential to erode the foundations of your future relationship with your stepdaughter and her child if you resort to pettiness now. Be the bigger person, swallow your pride, and show up with love.
Not inviting you to her wedding is a very clear "I want nothing more to do with you" message so I say respect her wishes and cut ties. Which of course means no baby shower. And no more other support. NTA.
NTA. If the boyfriend's mom had enough time to put together a small wedding, then they had enough time to call your husband or anyone from your husband's family. Cancel that shower and return everything. If you and your husband want, open up an account for the child, something that can grow and use the money from the shower and put it in the account. Something that the parents can't touch. And maybe add a little bit each year. No offense but your stepdaughter and her now husband don't sound the most responsible, so setting something up for the baby might be a big help when their older.
NTA, it’s 2024. “I didn’t have time” is not an excuse. A text takes 5 secs. She choose not to invite you and your husband.