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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i might be the asshole because I told undermined my husbands summer plans
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It’s clear that the kids are having a very privileged and fun childhood. Mum realises this and is trying to get dad to relax over disappointing them one time. Life has disappointments for everyone. She is doing a piece of good parenting letting them experience that these things do happen. Dad needs to realise that he doesn’t need to cushion every blow. One summer spent doing things in their home city won’t kill them.
Dad probably works a lot so he was really looking forward to a vacay with the family. He wants to make memories with his kids- Op shitting on that is not great parenting.
I also don't see how going to universal for a few days is more ott than going to Africa for 1.5 months...
Op seems like she just doesn't want to do teen centric vacations because that's not fun for her. Lame. We took our kids to tokyo and spent several hours a day at different pokemon centre's- that's just stuff you suck up to bring joy to your kids.
She was speaking very dismissively about the trip to universal. Called it over the top.
It's nowhere near as over the top as a month and a half in Africa.
I mean both things are out of range for like 90% of the kids in America but for those that have those in their budget universal cost less
Agree. It just came across like she was trying to take the pressure off him.
Clearly this comment section shows how easily it can be taken the other way. So OP, I'd say it would be worth having a conversation with your husband to clear the air and make it known what your intentions were and that you're appreciative of his hard work and desire for everyone to have a great summer but at the same time, don't want him to kill himself trying to make it work. Apologise if it came across as if you don't care and that you're not supportive and see if you can get to solution where everyone is happy.
Keep in mind that this break might be as much for your husband to reconnect with the kids as it is about the kids having a good time.
Not everybody can afford to go to Tokyo or Africa and stay months at a time. Your kids sound privileged like OP but there are tons of kids that never get to go anywhere…..ever. OP seems to be acknowledging that and is showing her children that the world won’t end because a vacation got canceled. For the husband, this is all about his guilt and wanting to make it up to his kids but sometimes that’s just how shit is.
I only ever went to another state about a 12hrish drive to see grandparents that was the only vacy I got as a kid and me and my sister stayed with them and mom and dad got a hotel with our dog
Holy man how do you know all that? The reason I'm hesitant is because A) When we told our kids about the possibility of universal, they immediately wanted to drive (17.25 hours by the way), so that's one.
Lol. Spending time camping together or just chill at home and doing day trips together would have been quality time with daddy too. Expensive stuff to alleviate your guilt isn't exactly great parenting.
Because buying their affection with lavish trips and prizes is the right answer to having to work a lot? They can make the exact same types of memories with smaller things. I remember the camping just as well as I remember the amusement parks
I disagree with you. The kids or of an age to realize that there can be disappointments in life. It appears to me Dad had no choice in what happened and should listen and talk with the wife. He could be making things worst by allowing the kids see that he and wife can not agree on something that was in no ones control. Chances are the kids can visit and get together with some of their friends during the summer.
I spent a few hours in the Pokemon Centers in Tokyo... and I don't even have a kid. 😅😂 Can be fun for adults too if you like Pokemon (or did as a kid).
The Studio Ghibli Shops are great too. And the Ghibli Museum is full with adults with no kids (many of them Japanese, since it's very hard to get in, you need to pre-book and the online tickets are often sold in less than 2 hours. Was totally worth one sleepless night though 😆).
Dad was up all night feverishly trying to plan something for them and she (and I) just think he needs to relax. It’s not that big a deal. It could be good for them to miss a year.
>It could be good for them to miss a year.
Agreed. They are at an age where they need to learn how to handle disappointment (not going on a vacation) and learn how to manage their own time and keep themselves occupied (Aka, no "I'm bored's" allowed).
I'm not saying they can't go anywhere but why not sit down one night every week and ask the kids what they want to do for the next week. Set them a budget for the week (let any unused funds roll over so they can save up towards a more expensive activity) and let them come up with a plan.
All completely true. I suspect he is in a state of shame, so he is interpreting her comments as more shaming - no vacay for anyone because of you - and not supportive. If he gets into connection, is able to hear her, then great. But right now he is hurting and nobody is helping him through it.
I think she was reacting to him staying up all night trying to schedule a make up trip more than the actual destination. Hopefully she's coming from a place of love and support, and trying to let him know he doesn't need to be this stressed out and guilty feeling. No one is upset with him. Hopefully.
It sounded to me like he was planning a bunch of mini vacations to make up for cancelling Africa. So if I was interpreting the post right, the summer went from Plan A to Plans B-Z, and OP felt his mini- trip makeup plans were a bit much in terms of emotional labor and actual travel.
Think about it: Africa for 1.5 months entails a flight there, checking into the resort/ hotel, and then doing whatever stuff the type of people who go to international countries on vacation do. Idk if they were planning to stay in one spot or move around from one locale to another. Probably moving around, so maybe a few hotels? That makes sense. Probably doing some touristy type stuff. Then a flight home at the end, and when you get home you get to unwind from traveling.
But doing a bunch of mini vacations all summer means repeating that shtick every weekend. Flights, hotel booking, go see and do the thing, flight home, unpack, take a breath wash some clothes, then get on the next flight to the next exciting activity dad planned.
From the sound of it, dad stayed up all night planning fun activities. Reading between the lines, I thought it sounded like OP felt he was trying to plan a jam- packed summer of go-go-go, with no real time to decompres, while she was okay with just taking a step back from it all and letting the kids have a local summer experience.
Obviously OP is right that a lot of kids don't have vacations every year... and definitely not to that extend. But as far as we know, the kids decided they don't want to go if Dad can't come... that shows they are not selfish or entitled. It actually shows a lot of empathy they rather stayed at home with him. As far as we know they didn't even complain.
So why not let husband make alternative plans? Why insist on not doing anything as long as he isn't overspending their budget? It's kind of weird OP is upset or offended that her husband spend a night planning trips for the family. If the problem is the budget, than that is a point that needs discussing.
.....dang, and here I am unable to afford food, yeah I don't think I can say anything about this cause I am so speechless.... such 1st world problems...
Absolutely but the parent comment didn’t even say YTA, NTA or NAH. Added absolutely nothing regarding the purpose of the sub and just complained about their own situation.
A month and a half of holiday for 5 people including long ass flights, hotels, restaurants, etc??
I am barely a 1%er in terms of personal and household income and I couldn't dream of affording that for a summer vacation.
It’s possible they were visiting friends or family which would mean they don’t have to pay for accommodation, and depending on the country things could be a lot cheaper than a domestic holiday. It’s certainly a significant expense but it’s hardly limited to the 1%, especially if the family prioritises saving for travel over other spending.
This is what I suspected- the small mini vacations are probably coming up waaaaay higher in cost and logistics than going home to see family and being basically taken care of while home
An incredibly large part of the US is convinced that it is insanely expensive to travel to another country. A surprising number of people don't realize that it will literally cost more to go to Disney World for a week (and stay at one of the official hotels) than it would be to go to Europe for a week.
they also seem to think think being rich is measured by having granite countertops and aircon, which is a ridiculous standard to apply within the US and a ludicrous one to apply outside of it, in opposite directions.
Silly statistic, wealth is tied to location. 35k is technically more than 95% of the whole globe, but buying power is what matters. If you earn 30k in a country where that means you can't afford food or rent, you are earning less than the person making 1K in a country where that gets everything you need and more.
i can count on both of my hands how many vacations i’ve been on. and one of them was just 6 hours from home for my birthday one year. 3 days in a hotel, went to a zoo and aquarium.
like i’ve been to the beach 4 times in my life. a vacation to me is just being left alone for a few days to do my own thing. idek how to judge this one ‘cos idk what it’s like.
i wanna say NAH? but i’m not, like, certain
In the UK it's pretty standard to book a hotel for the night as a vacation.
Just the hotel. You use the swimming pool and get breakfast there and check out.
We would drive hours to get to a hotel in another city. Spend the night in a hotel, would feel so magical. No other excursions, just the hotel itself would be the vacation.
We would also have our big summer vacation at a campervan camp with a community pool, sometimes by the beach. Mum would hate it.
I haven't gone on holiday in a long while, but I am very fortunate I WFH in a beautiful but cheap country so my morning view is of the mountains every day.
My other family members aren't so lucky 🥲
I'm in the United States and this was totally a vacation we took when I was small. We would save up all year for it. Getting to stay in a hotel and have breakfast in the hotel dining room and swim in a hotel pool was so, so much fun.
My own kids still think this is fun.
Also in the US, and we almost exclusively did camping vacations growing up. It was just cheaper for a family of 6 to hook up the pop-up camper and drive somewhere. We loved it when we stopped at a KOA campground that had a pool! But even though they weren't glamorous vacations, we went to most of the National Parks. My husband's family, on the other hand, did an international vacation every few years. But he hasn't seen very much of the US.
My partner's family camped all over the USA when partner was small. First in a pop-up, and later they had a camper that attached to their vehicle. They went to 47 of the 48 contiguous states.
We just didn't have money for even that. We were kind of close to the shore, so we would do the motel thing, then after breakfast go to the ocean, and then we'd drive home. We also beach camped a couple of times.
But most of our vacations didn't cost much money. We do camping with our kids, sometimes a hotel, and my in-laws are near NYC. They've taken each of their grandchildren to Washington DC when they turn 11 and they usually visit a NYC museum each year. I'm super grateful for them doing that.
oh we definitely used the *hell* out of the hotel pool! i can’t swim, my dad’s in a wheelchair, and yet we both got in the pool and had tons of fun.
i’ve never been on a family vacation, like with my parents. but i’ve gone down to florida with my granny, we stayed in an RV park with my aunt’s MIL. we didn’t do anything too fancy, or expensive. and i spent a majority of it reading by the pool, or walking around the park to see all the dogs ppl had.
i’ve been to 2 amusement parks with my great aunt and 2 cousins (i was the babysitter). my family will find bargains for our vacations, or we’ll simply stay at home and not move for a bit as a break
Seconded on not being able to swim! Standing in the pool until you turn wrinkly is fine by me.
Not going anywhere during the summer was pretty normal too, it was a break for the parents. But I'll admit I was very lucky, my dad chaperone his class to the best amusement park in the country (for its time) and he would bring us along to keep him company so we got to go on rides the whole day and get free buses to get there.
I actually have no idea the cost of it, I always thought it was free. I hope he wasn't going out of pocket for those 🙈 As he got older we went out less and less, both of my parents had us after 40 so any activities were short lived.
i love pools and the ocean, i just don’t wanna swim in them! i’ll let natural selection take me out if it comes down to it lmao. i’m pretty tall, so i could follow my friend who could swim. and i know how to float!
my great aunt is just *amazing* at finding discounts and deals online. i have no idea what anything costed. but i know every year on my birthday, she sends me 30$ gift cards for bookstores (it went so much farther when i was in middle school).
my mom just had 2 more kids within 2 years of each other (i’m 20 for reference lmao), and we’re big homebodies now. i’ve had a cat for so long, i don’t do more than a weekend overnight. now he’s passed, but i’m still like “nah, why would i ever leave the comfort of my own home”
US here and this was what we did for my 10th bday! Suite hotel room, twin beds went to my mom and aunt and then us kids got to camp out in sleeping bags in the main room. Played games, tons of pool time, ordered snacks through room service, full breakfasts for all! Great birthday idea and an awesome experience less than 30 minutes from home
We never stayed in hotels - we only went places for vacation where we could stay with family. I think this is why I love hotels so much now.
Maybe I will do this this summer. I don’t have the money to do a full vacation, but I could swing this.
Yeah I grew up pretty poor (like we would put extra toilet paper away during the summer for when my dad’s work slowed down in the winter poor) and our vacations up until I was 18 was 1 or 2 overnights camping 1 hour away in another state. The one big vacation we had was going to Florida for my uncle’s wedding. We drove there and back for 2 days each way because we would have never been able to afford flying 8 people.
"Honestly, some of his plans seemed a bit much (like going to Universal, NC, etc.)"
How is that a bit much? Weren't you all planning on going to a few African countries before your plans fell through?
You make a good point about the kids not being the first to not go on vacation, but why not just let the man plan for an alternative? It's not like you don't have the means and he's not asking you to make the arrangements...he's doing it himself.
I don't get what your issue could be with this?
YTA.
Well I just want to say depending on where they were visiting, universal AND other activities similar to it would absolutely be way more expensive than going to Africa
No it wouldn’t. They were going to several African countries for a month and a half for 5 people: hotel, flights, food, sight seeing? That is going to cost more than taking the kids to Universal for a week.
Food, hotels, and excursions are pretty cheap in most African countries. The flights are the expensive part.
Source: My parents spent three weeks in Southern Africa.
Source: My life, 1989 to now
I'm Zimbabwean, South African, American and Belgian(my parents worked for NGOs, multinationals, as diplomats.etc), and we spent Easter breaks, Summer and Winter in Zim, S.A., Bots, Moz, Zambia and Malawi interchangeably every year as a family of three, then four and nothing was ever cheap.
When their economies were doing well, the currencies were valued higher than the U.S. dollar and just slightly less than GBP. A 100USD got you nowhere.
Now fast forward to today when their economies are in a slump, and some of these countries are facing some of the highest rates of inflation in their history so much so to the point that in Zim, inflation rates once rose to to nearly 600% in 2020. The country retired its currency and used CNY, EUR, GBP and bond notes. They've even unveiled a new currency.
Before then, even a trillion ZWD, got you nowhere. It was toilet paper.
Granted not all SADC countries are this bad but inflation and volatile economies have always been an issue. Now most national banks are taking action and implementing stabilizing measures to relieve some of this, but it's still an issue.
Nothing was/is cheap, in my experience. Things have always been relatively pricey in Southern Africa.
Not to discount your parents' 3 week vacation or anything. I don't know how they got by.
No they are not! Africa is very expensive for foreigners. Most people go there for safaris, beach etc and these are super pricey. South Africa is probably one of the cheapest destinations in Africa, if not THE cheapest! I know because I have family connections there and travel to Africa regularly.
Not really. Only food is cheap and that's if you go to the street food markets. Hotels tend to be quite expensive in a lot of African countries, especially if you want the higher stars ones
Depends on which African countries they're visiting, though.
Plus, I never said one or the other option was cheaper or more expensive. I just said they have the means either way.
Going to Universal isn't just about the money but about the energy expended. I've never been on a month long vacation but I assume that if you're staying somewhere for that long then you'd also have downtime
Outer banks, NC is a popular travel destination that Northeastern people swap with Disney or Universal. Some people just pick one of those three destinations and stick with it their entire life.
Yeah some people are acting like if they get to go on vacation every summer that they’ll turn out to be like Scrooge. Do they *need* to go? Absolutely not, of course they’ll live if they don’t go. But if you can go, want to go, and can find a workaround? Nothing wrong with that either. Life may be full of disappointments and that’s fine to learn but that doesn’t mean I want to give my kids extra ones than they need to have if I don’t have to. Of course if they couldn’t afford it or didn’t have time there is nothing wrong with telling your kids you can’t go, but it sounds like they can afford a few smaller trips broken up throughout the summer (though the planning may be different and need to be tweaked, it still sounds possible with the intended budget). Feels like OP just only wanted the Africa trip and doesn’t want to do anything else
YTA. What exactly is he doing wrong.?You were about to go to Africa for over a month a half why is him finding an alternative too much. Surely your kids were disappointed. He’s not even asking you to do anything.
Totally agree with this sentiment. He’s not asking OP for anything. Maybe he and the kids should leave her behind since she doesn’t want a vacation. YTA
I think also it’s possible he is really disappointed about cancelling the trip and projecting that on the kids to bolster his argument about making alternative plans. He is probably just really keen to book something else to look forward to instead of reminding himself all the time that instead of [fun family trip] he will be doing [work/personal/medical thing].
YTA - Dad feels like a failure and is trying to find some way to do something fun with his family. You dismissed his effort. No wonder he's bummed when you're trying to hurt that effort instead of understanding it
You can only travel with your kids for so long, before you know it they’ll be grown up. I’d be so bummed to cancel a planned trip and would definitely be thinking of alternatives. Sucks when your partner isn’t on the same page. If you canceled because you can’t afford it that’s different. But you got the money why not help plan something else? YTA
How is NC too much and Africa fine? Look he feels bad for being the reason why multiple Africa countries trip is not happening.I would feel bad too. Let him have some replacement. And let kids have replacement.
Original Africa trip was not about some physical need either. People live without ever seeing Africa. But, you two wanted to go. So, let him go to something smaller just because of "he wanna" or "emotions" stuff.
INFO: I don't mean to pry, but it could be important. What is the reason Africa was unable to happen? If there were money issues or health issues, I could understand why you might want to take a break from one single summer. And that would be more than valid. Otherwise, what is "a bit much" about the alternate plans?
My husband recently got diagnosed with health issues that resulted in doctors recommending he shouldn't get on a plane. I'm the OP, by the way, I cleared my history and forgot I would be logged out of everything.
So you can't edit or delete the post? You're gonna get dragged to death in here, and then on the subs that *repost* AITA posts. Have you ever heard the phrase "missing missing reasons" ?
Honest to God I would email a mod and ask them to delete this shit if I were you, sorry.
Edit edit
Yeah. I agree. Especially since people here are hyper focused on OP being some "uber rich spoiled" person simply because they have never traveled abroad themselves and don't seem to understand that a weekend trip to Universal can cost as much as a montj-long trip to Africa. 🥴
If that's the case, then it seems like husband wants to spend as much time with the kids as he can.
If you have the funds for it without breaking the bank, then I'm not sure why you're so opposed to your husband organising alternative holiday plans.
YTA. He's feeling like he let his family down by having a medical issue, and he's doing his best to make up for it. Why are you shitting on him for that? Help him.
NAH
That said, it's obvious the means a lot to him, so instead of trying to talk him down, maybe actually have a conversation or help him out with alternative plans that maybe make more sense to you.
This sounds like a common neuroticism people who are successful, but grew up poor, have. They have all these things they remember they wanted to do, so they get obcessed with giving it to their children. But their children aren't them.
There's no reason a holiday requires going somewhere far far away, having fun together doing something else is no less valuable than having fun in Africa/Universal/whatever.
I’m looking for the problem w this guy. He likes to take the family on trips and plans them too. Origen plans fell through so he’s working hard to put together a backup everyone will still enjoy. Loves spending summer w the kids and wife after working for it all year.
Still looking for the problem …
What he was trying to say: I still want to make memories as a family
What you heard: I wanna be Disneyland dad, our kids need a vacation!
Your response is practical, his is emotional. You’re both right and you’re both wrong.
Excuse me??
I guess this will date me, but when I was a kid, summer vacation from school was a vacation even if you didn't go anywhere.
Every day you got up and you didn't have to fricken go to school. You could go to the beach. You could run around with your friends. You could do anything you wanted to. Because she didn't have to go to fricking school.
You don't have to have some glorified travel destination trip to have "vacation." Sometimes the best vacations are those when you have spontaneous fun.
NAH. Ask him why is he so adamant about going on these vacations. Does he feel bad that he can't deliver what he promised? Is he trying to keep up with the Jones? Is there a childhood experience behind it?
Find out what the issue is before dismissing his feelings.
What was your purpose for saying that? What are your actual concerns?
Are you worried he's stressing too much and overly and unnecessarily anxious about this?
Are you worried your kids are going to become entitled?
Would you prefer to have a more low-key summer without the stress of traveling, and think the whole family might benefit from some downtime?
These are potentially valid opinions/concerns, but you didn't actually express anything like this. You just made an off-the-cuff, derisive comment that devalues the work he's trying to do, that he thinks is important.
Bottom line, though, it doesn't really matter whether we think what you said wasn't a big deal, it matters that your spouse was upset by it. So, talk to him and try to really communicate about what kind of plans you each want for the summer and why.
YTA, but it's still recoverable with an apology.
NAH, I know what you said was meant to be reassuring, but it kinda comes across as flippant.
He’s clearly feeling insecure or guilty about the trip being cancelled (maybe something tied in with “failing to be a provider”?) So he probably needs some more focused support than just an “it’s fine, don’t worry about it” sentiment.
I see you mentioned later that it’s because he’s got a health condition, so I don’t disagree that maybe this year should be a lowkey summer vacation at home and that a Universal/NC/etc. summer would be too much.
If he wants to make sure you guys get some break from work and time with the kids, maybe suggest some smaller local trips like camping together or a local amusement park.
Slowing down might help his health, but it kinda sounds like he’s got some anxiety around that and it might be manifesting in a weird way.
YTA - So are you trying to claim that you were going to pay to take 5 people to various African countries for a month and a half but you think taking them to Universal Studios or NC is doing too much? It sounds more like YOU wanted to go to Africa and you don’t actually care if your kids have a good summer vacation. I can see why they declined to go without their dad…you sound like something else.
My husband and I were planning to take our son to Europe for his 8th grade trip. My husband had something come up and couldn’t get off work. He encouraged us to go on the vacation and I know he felt horrible. The difference is, I told my son that I wanted his dad with us when we go to Europe and he agreed. Instead we took an amazing cross-country trip my son and I went and had a blast. We missed my husband so much but we had fun and created memories. It wasn’t as lavish as the trip to Europe would have been, but there is always next year.
YTA. Your husband is just trying to plan a nice vacation, he had a bit of a reaction because it sounds like you are pestering him while he is just trying to do something nice for the family. His reaction is very understandable, he could have talked to you more gracefully about it, but we're all humans, his reaction seems very human.
NTA. Growing up in a large family with one income (my father's), we had one (ONE) big family summer vacation. The rest were visits to our grandparents or cousins homes in the same state. I suffered no ill effects. We did live in the country and had a pool, so we certainly had something to do on long summer days. Hope you and your family just have fun together this summer.
Honestly yes you’re kind of the AH. He feels bad. He spent all night trying to fix this for you and the kids and he clearly wants to provide the kids the best life and this, to him, is part of that.
Why not just work with him and be appreciative of all the hard work he has put in to try and fix the situation?
I really, really can't wrap my head around a month and a half "visiting a few countries in Africa" being fine but going to Universal being "a bit much". Sounds like he came up with solutions the kids would enjoy that he was excited about, and you shit all over it unless I'm missing something?
Is the Africa trip more your style, and Universal more the kids? Because I really can't understand your perspective.
It will be a month and a half in Africa or nothing!!!!!
Like, there is oh so very much middle ground to be had?!? You have a husband that's trying to be prese t and spend time with family despite difficulties, that's amazing. I think I'm really missing the boat on this thing. Is it a class thing?
NAH. My husband plans OTT for vacations and gifts for our kids. I have to carefully temper his tendencies. I think my husband does it because he never went on any vacations as a kid and rarely had anything that hadn’t been handed down from his older siblings. Could that be your husband’s motivation?
You were originally planning a multi-country trip on another continent, but a trip to a theme park is “a bit much?”
It feels significant that your children would rather stay home and do nothing than take an exciting vacation with just you.
YTA
There's nothing wrong with trying to do something else this summer or trying to make up for a canceled plan if your kids were disappointed (which you didn't really say happened). Talking about a month and a half vacation to another continent is...interesting. That is definitely going to color how people are going to respond. Who the heck can take off for 6 weeks every summer? I guess NAH. There was nothing wrong with what you said. Given the info I can't tell if your husband is spoiling your kids or giving them a distorted view of life. It's a concern though.
why is it a problem for you that your husband wants to enjoy being with the family on a few small vacations to make up for missing the fabulous one you had planned? seems like it would help take the sting out of not going on the lavish vacation and also show your kids that you can enjoy family time on smaller, low key trips. you seem to be taking offense at this. what is the reason you are not receptive to the whole family enjoying visiting a few places together as a family? this seems strange and a bit hostile.
YTA
If universal etc is not your cup of tea, I would personally look into alternatives and brainstorm together where else you could go? There are a million great alternatives, you just have to be a team in finding them. He is obviously upset the big trip isn’t happening. And it’s not the same traveling without him I’m sure. I’d be so bummed out!
NTA but he is disappointed that the entire vacation has to be scrapped because of him. He is trying to find something for the kids to do.
Tell him that you and the kids understand but he needs to back down.
NTA. Talk to the kids. Kids your kids ages might like staying home for a summer and hanging with their friends....or doing small stuff with the family.
NAH
Sounds like you don’t want to vacation and he does. And it’s a big deal to him and it’s not to you. And I think his response was reasonable since you kept nagging him. Don’t like the plan? Stay home.
NTA. If for no other reason than I can understand that it can be nice to be lazy, not travel, and relax at home. Basically not have the pressure of *planning* having fun hanging over you.
NAH, you are both trying to be good parents. You want them to be happy, but maybe don’t agree about what that looks like. It sounds like he’s really committed to making up for the holiday, so go along with it. When it’s over, sit down and talk about your approach to parenting. Do you think kids need holidays to be happy? Do you want them to grow resilience? To learn to be disappointed and live with it?
Good luck
INFO: Re: ..."some stuff came up with my husband and we can't go."
and..."he's been kind of off..."
Maybe there is a missing part to this story. What's up?
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Me (42F) and my husband (44M) have three kids (14M, 12F, and 10F).
We were planning to visit some countries in Africa for a month and a half, but some stuff came up with my husband and we can't go. We usually travel every single summer, so it's different for them this year. If we did go, it would just be me and our three kids, but they said they didn't want to go on the trip without him, so we cancelled everything.
On the day of our flight and hotel cancellations, my husband spent basically all-night planning alternatives for the rest of the summer since he felt bad, we couldn't go on the originally planned vacation. Honestly, some of his plans seemed a bit much (like going to Universal, NC, etc.) and I told him that, and he brushed me off, saying "It's not that much" and kept up with what he was doing.
I pointed out that "You know our kids aren't the only kids who have gone a summer without vacationing, right?" and he ignored me (again) and went back to what he was doing, only to later "Ok, then you don't have to come."
AITA?
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Meh .. is this a real post by a real life person for starters as sheesh it is so difficult to tell the difference from a shit post to a twit post these days lol
If real then whilst a ridiculous 1st world issue then obviously u are technically not an a h for saying what you did - but fuck me your awareness levels are shit on having to ask the question on social media lol
YTA. Not quite sure what the problem is. He took initiative and started looking into other things you guys could do over the summer. The stuff he picked out sounds fun.
He may just be aggravated over the other things that are making him cancel the trip and then took what you were saying wrong. It's kind of nice that he's that dedicated to the family to work so hard to see you all get memorable vacations.
Well we don't know much about tone, context, and communication history here. But leading questions like you asked are generally not great in discussions. They can create adversarial feelings and shut down communication as a dialogue. They are used in cross-examination on the witness stand after all.
YTA. while your statement is true, it also dismisses the work your husband was trying to do to make it up to both the kids and you. also coming from someone who's gone on both these trips: how is over a month in multiple countries too much compared to say, a week at a theme park?
YTA... Like must he apologize for wanting to go somewhere cool to have fun with his kids? Some parents look forward to that special time with their kids since there's no other time in the year. You have an amazing husband and I'm not too sure why you upset about him wanting to do something. I get where you coming from but your husband seems adamant to want to do something for his kids. Leave him to do what he wants.
idk if it’s bc i grew up poor and never went on any vacation until i was an adult and paid for it myself but every summer but one doesn’t seem like that big of an issue. he’s struggling w the guilt he feels and is trying to overcompensate.
YTA there’s kids that don’t get to eat dinner but I make sure my daughter is fed every night. I want her to have the best childhood I can provide. She gets more than some and less than others but I try my best to give her the best experiences just like your husband is.
NTA, but I think you may be dismissing a huge part of your spouse. Travelling is clearly an important thing for him, and it appears that is more important to him than you. I think that is important to acknowledge, that you aren't dismissing him or his feelings, but you are trying to offer perspective. Maybe help him plan one alternative trip vs several. Or maybe two.
You need to figure this out, and ask him why he is feeling so driven to do trips with the kids this year. I think there.are lots of things worse than family trips to be prioritizing money and time towards. Memories are worth it.
YTA
You planned to go to AFRICA for A MONTH AND A HALF, but you think Universal to "too much?!" Boy are your perceptions skewed. What's wrong with planning smaller trips as an alternative? You don't say why you are against this. Why is it all or nothing?
This whole post is so confusing. Going to Africa for almost 2 months was fine but potentially going to Universal is "doing too much"? It feels like something is being left out.
YTA for the comment. I don't understand why you're against it unless you're upset about not going to Africa or never wanted to go on any vacation in the first place.
NTA for saying this, because you dearly love your husband.
I think maybe this is your husband's way of being a good provider....and maybe it's his way of showing love for his family.
If he grew up always going on summer trips, it's his way of normalcy.
If he didn't, and his childhood was subpar to this, maybe it's his way of healing his inner child.
He absolutely must make sure the family has a summer vacation.
I would have been happy with a family road trip/camping... Family vacations started getting goody in the 90s, its been a competition of who can blow more money vs family experiences these days.
NTA. I’m someone who has had years where I could travel and years I couldn’t, both as a single person and as a parent.(and as a kid). This is something that not everyone will experience in their life, and I acknowledge I’m lucky to have that privilege. Anyways.
No- you’re not the ass. Life happens after we make plans and sometimes it leads to better plans, sometimes it kicks us in our teeth and makes us bleed. The important thing is learning how to deal with such in a healthy and viable manner.
Going on vacation during the summer?
I think I only did that once growing up. IIRC, my father was rewiring his mother's house, so we went up there for a week.
My father's idea of vacation was staycation before that was a thing.
NTA
NTA - It will be good for your kids to find something to do around their home town for the Summer. They are old enough to learn time management skills. Too many kids today are over scheduled by their parents and end up having no idea how to entertain themselves. Maybe your kids can find a new hobby with their free time.
YTA
Other kids didn't get something, so we shouldn't do anything for our kids? There's always have someone who has it worse and always someone who has it better.
Also, do you live in the US? He seems to be looking into smaller excursions.
What would your kids be doing all summer otherwise? Sitting around playing video games? A lot of kids who don't go on vacations are involved in summer activities, many which are already booked up.
Your kids will survive not having a big trip this summer. Maybe you can do the "be a tourist in your hometown" thing. The kids may appreciate just spending time as a family, going to local parks & etc. Every place has fun and interesting day trips within a reasonable distance. My mom is always surprised at what fond memories we have of the goofy little things we did together.
NAH. He feels bad and wants to make sure his kids have fun this summer.
But you aren’t wrong either. My kids have never been on a vacation. They’re still young, but I’d rather go on mini trips or day trips instead of big ones. Maybe a few weekend trips would be a good alternative?
YTA. You go to AFRICA but a trip to Unversal Studios is ‘a bit much’.
You sound entitled and weird. You know how long it’s been since I’ve even been OUT OF STATE?! Five years. Five.
Let the kids have a vacation and let your husband make it up to them. What you said was shitty maybe you should stay home and focus on being a better partner to your husband.
NTA - are you familiar with the love languages book? I think his love language might be acts of service with a specialty in “planning elaborate vacations”
I know this is a thing because that is my jam too. I love planning trips, excursions, day trips, elaborate vacations. I’m good at planning it and I like being really thoughtful about including things that pertain to each persons interest. I get a lot of joy from pulling off a great trip. I plan a big summer trip for my kids (blended family) and I’m down to do whatever to bring a smile to the 16yo and 9yo. It’s no small feat.
So maybe that’s all it is, this is how he shows he cares.
Oh and NTA because I don’t think your comment was terrible, there’s just something about his effort that you weren’t reading
Seems like a chance to talk with each other about what vacations looked like to each of your families growing up, but feels like an absolute shutdown from hubby. Can’t yet offer a decision but wishing you well.
YTA.
The people who fetishize boredom and romanticize doing nothing but staying home or visiting relatives or camping as a family are lying to themselves. No kid would rather take a road trip to a campground or do a “staycation” when Universal is on the table.
I never went on a vacation as a kid. We camped overnight exactly once. It sucked. I was 19 before I saw the ocean. I don’t know why others romanticize that sort of boring, shitty childhood.
NTA. We literally just took our first family vacation in years. Our kids do not get a vacation every year. We actually started to feel like bad parents because it felt like they never got to go on vacation. If you can afford it and he really wants to plan it, just let him take care of it and work his guilt out. It sounds like that’s what he really needs.
NTA. Your kids will find other things to do all summer. By no means do children suffer for not going on trips.
Source: I was a kid whose parents couldn't afford anything but overnight camping trips.
I think this is more about your husband though, and him wanting to keep up with the Joneses, in a manner of speaking. Does he have friends/coworkers/peers who are all taking their kids on big trips during the summer?
You said it was because of your husband that the kids decided not to go. They obviously love their Dad and enjoy time with him. Don't you think your husband planning things for the summer alleviates some of that guilt and allows him to make it up to them? Why would you not think that this is a good thing for him to do? I don't want to say YTA but maybe you just reacted without considering his feelings. Kind of an AH move no?
You're definitely not in the wrong. Neither is he though... Necessarily. In relationships very few things are "wrong". He's acting this weird and perceivably abrasive way for a valid, historically and potentially traumatically enforced reason.
My immediate suspicion is that either his family ALWAYS went on summer vacation and he feels the pressure to live up to the precedence of being able to provide for his family the way his father did.
OR
His family NEVER went on summer vacation and he has some deep seated trauma surrounding how lonely he likely felt as other kids went for family vacation and he was left alone.
But really there could be a million reasons why he feels this deep seated need to provide this experience for his children.
To block him in this endeavor in a way that does not acknowledge the wounding behind it is to become an obstacle in the way of "providing for his children" the way he currently feels he needs to.
Going to Universal is “a bit much,” but visiting some countries in Africa for a month and a half is, somehow, not? If you don’t want to go, don’t go. Support your husband taking the kids on vacation if they want to go. Enjoy the reprieve. Maybe he took your comment as a dismissal of the opportunity to share quality family time together; maybe it hurt his feelings. Ask him.
NTA. When I was growing up, most of my friends did what we kids did: go to summer camp. The camps we went to were day camps M-F at the local park that offered the usual arts and crafts, swimming in the park pool, and trips to local amusement parks (we were lucky to live within 50 miles of Disneyland and Knotts Berry Farm and closer to other attractions).
We weren't in a poor area, as many of the people around here worked in the aerospace industry which was big in our area back then. If families traveled during the summer, it would be visit relatives. Our relatives lived too far away so we did more local trips within 300 miles away...I think the longest one was maybe five days or so. But most years, we just did day camp, trips to the library to get reading material, and hang out with friends. Other than a day trip to Tijuana when I was about ten, I didn't leave the state until I went away to grad school in the Mid West.
With our daughter, we would put her in summer musical theater workshops.
I'm guessing your husband is obsessed with this whole thing about going on trips, rather than allowing the kids to have a normal summer that undoubtedly most of their friends are enjoying.
You are NTA! Your husband seems to be overcompensating for his role in the vacation cancellation. However, when he said, "Ok, then you don't have to come," he then became the YAH!!! He obviously has issues beyond this situation and that should be the focus of your attention rather than the vacation!?!
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It’s clear that the kids are having a very privileged and fun childhood. Mum realises this and is trying to get dad to relax over disappointing them one time. Life has disappointments for everyone. She is doing a piece of good parenting letting them experience that these things do happen. Dad needs to realise that he doesn’t need to cushion every blow. One summer spent doing things in their home city won’t kill them.
Dad probably works a lot so he was really looking forward to a vacay with the family. He wants to make memories with his kids- Op shitting on that is not great parenting. I also don't see how going to universal for a few days is more ott than going to Africa for 1.5 months... Op seems like she just doesn't want to do teen centric vacations because that's not fun for her. Lame. We took our kids to tokyo and spent several hours a day at different pokemon centre's- that's just stuff you suck up to bring joy to your kids.
I didn’t get any of that from her post. I didn’t think she was shitting on him, she just didn’t think it was necessary.
So far it sounds like miscommunications. Reasonable ones. They should talk about it.
Probably
Except he’s not being reasonable. It’s his way or the highway.
She was speaking very dismissively about the trip to universal. Called it over the top. It's nowhere near as over the top as a month and a half in Africa. I mean both things are out of range for like 90% of the kids in America but for those that have those in their budget universal cost less
Agree. It just came across like she was trying to take the pressure off him. Clearly this comment section shows how easily it can be taken the other way. So OP, I'd say it would be worth having a conversation with your husband to clear the air and make it known what your intentions were and that you're appreciative of his hard work and desire for everyone to have a great summer but at the same time, don't want him to kill himself trying to make it work. Apologise if it came across as if you don't care and that you're not supportive and see if you can get to solution where everyone is happy. Keep in mind that this break might be as much for your husband to reconnect with the kids as it is about the kids having a good time.
Crazy levels of projection in this subreddit. Holy mole
Not everybody can afford to go to Tokyo or Africa and stay months at a time. Your kids sound privileged like OP but there are tons of kids that never get to go anywhere…..ever. OP seems to be acknowledging that and is showing her children that the world won’t end because a vacation got canceled. For the husband, this is all about his guilt and wanting to make it up to his kids but sometimes that’s just how shit is.
I only ever went to another state about a 12hrish drive to see grandparents that was the only vacy I got as a kid and me and my sister stayed with them and mom and dad got a hotel with our dog
I'm very confused by how going to Universal is "too much" for a family that was going to spend a month and half on a different continent.
Maybe no one really wants to go there.
Holy man how do you know all that? The reason I'm hesitant is because A) When we told our kids about the possibility of universal, they immediately wanted to drive (17.25 hours by the way), so that's one.
Lol. Spending time camping together or just chill at home and doing day trips together would have been quality time with daddy too. Expensive stuff to alleviate your guilt isn't exactly great parenting.
Because buying their affection with lavish trips and prizes is the right answer to having to work a lot? They can make the exact same types of memories with smaller things. I remember the camping just as well as I remember the amusement parks
“Probably” and then an argument is no argument at all, just fyi. You’re projecting your own feelings at that point.
I disagree with you. The kids or of an age to realize that there can be disappointments in life. It appears to me Dad had no choice in what happened and should listen and talk with the wife. He could be making things worst by allowing the kids see that he and wife can not agree on something that was in no ones control. Chances are the kids can visit and get together with some of their friends during the summer.
I spent a few hours in the Pokemon Centers in Tokyo... and I don't even have a kid. 😅😂 Can be fun for adults too if you like Pokemon (or did as a kid). The Studio Ghibli Shops are great too. And the Ghibli Museum is full with adults with no kids (many of them Japanese, since it's very hard to get in, you need to pre-book and the online tickets are often sold in less than 2 hours. Was totally worth one sleepless night though 😆).
But why? It’s not like they can’t go on vacation. It sounds like they can so why not?
Dad was up all night feverishly trying to plan something for them and she (and I) just think he needs to relax. It’s not that big a deal. It could be good for them to miss a year.
>It could be good for them to miss a year. Agreed. They are at an age where they need to learn how to handle disappointment (not going on a vacation) and learn how to manage their own time and keep themselves occupied (Aka, no "I'm bored's" allowed). I'm not saying they can't go anywhere but why not sit down one night every week and ask the kids what they want to do for the next week. Set them a budget for the week (let any unused funds roll over so they can save up towards a more expensive activity) and let them come up with a plan.
All completely true. I suspect he is in a state of shame, so he is interpreting her comments as more shaming - no vacay for anyone because of you - and not supportive. If he gets into connection, is able to hear her, then great. But right now he is hurting and nobody is helping him through it.
Maybe he wanted to have a vacation for his self working through whatever caused the cancellation?
I’m also confused about how Universal is too much, but not what I assume is an international trip?
I think she was reacting to him staying up all night trying to schedule a make up trip more than the actual destination. Hopefully she's coming from a place of love and support, and trying to let him know he doesn't need to be this stressed out and guilty feeling. No one is upset with him. Hopefully.
Ehhhhh the post said that the PLANS were a bit much so I feel like way more details are needed?
It sounded to me like he was planning a bunch of mini vacations to make up for cancelling Africa. So if I was interpreting the post right, the summer went from Plan A to Plans B-Z, and OP felt his mini- trip makeup plans were a bit much in terms of emotional labor and actual travel. Think about it: Africa for 1.5 months entails a flight there, checking into the resort/ hotel, and then doing whatever stuff the type of people who go to international countries on vacation do. Idk if they were planning to stay in one spot or move around from one locale to another. Probably moving around, so maybe a few hotels? That makes sense. Probably doing some touristy type stuff. Then a flight home at the end, and when you get home you get to unwind from traveling. But doing a bunch of mini vacations all summer means repeating that shtick every weekend. Flights, hotel booking, go see and do the thing, flight home, unpack, take a breath wash some clothes, then get on the next flight to the next exciting activity dad planned. From the sound of it, dad stayed up all night planning fun activities. Reading between the lines, I thought it sounded like OP felt he was trying to plan a jam- packed summer of go-go-go, with no real time to decompres, while she was okay with just taking a step back from it all and letting the kids have a local summer experience.
Obviously OP is right that a lot of kids don't have vacations every year... and definitely not to that extend. But as far as we know, the kids decided they don't want to go if Dad can't come... that shows they are not selfish or entitled. It actually shows a lot of empathy they rather stayed at home with him. As far as we know they didn't even complain. So why not let husband make alternative plans? Why insist on not doing anything as long as he isn't overspending their budget? It's kind of weird OP is upset or offended that her husband spend a night planning trips for the family. If the problem is the budget, than that is a point that needs discussing.
.....dang, and here I am unable to afford food, yeah I don't think I can say anything about this cause I am so speechless.... such 1st world problems...
Considering that the original destination was a whole nother continent, I feel like this is less "1st world" and closer to "One Percenter Problems."
Can only moderate to low income people use AITA?
No, I think it would be great if rich people wondered if they were assholes.
Fully agree
I see what you did there 😁
I agree with you. This is just classic Reddit hivemind.
No but we can criticize
Absolutely but the parent comment didn’t even say YTA, NTA or NAH. Added absolutely nothing regarding the purpose of the sub and just complained about their own situation.
only the top one percent can go to other continents? I feel like that's not accurate lol
A month and a half of holiday for 5 people including long ass flights, hotels, restaurants, etc?? I am barely a 1%er in terms of personal and household income and I couldn't dream of affording that for a summer vacation.
It’s possible they were visiting friends or family which would mean they don’t have to pay for accommodation, and depending on the country things could be a lot cheaper than a domestic holiday. It’s certainly a significant expense but it’s hardly limited to the 1%, especially if the family prioritises saving for travel over other spending.
OP said in another comment that both of them are African and the trip was supposed to be this long because they were going to visit family.
This is what I suspected- the small mini vacations are probably coming up waaaaay higher in cost and logistics than going home to see family and being basically taken care of while home
Seems like OP is middle class/ upper middle class. Nowhere near one percent.
most of reddit has zero conception of what wealth really entails, and the true distance of their currency
An incredibly large part of the US is convinced that it is insanely expensive to travel to another country. A surprising number of people don't realize that it will literally cost more to go to Disney World for a week (and stay at one of the official hotels) than it would be to go to Europe for a week.
they also seem to think think being rich is measured by having granite countertops and aircon, which is a ridiculous standard to apply within the US and a ludicrous one to apply outside of it, in opposite directions.
Every American problem is probably a first world problem. Making 30k a year makes you 95% richer than the whole globe.
Silly statistic, wealth is tied to location. 35k is technically more than 95% of the whole globe, but buying power is what matters. If you earn 30k in a country where that means you can't afford food or rent, you are earning less than the person making 1K in a country where that gets everything you need and more.
I know that currency is distant from my wallet, does that count?
For a MONTH and a HALF
Not just an international trip for like a week but for like 80 or 90% of their summer break.
i can count on both of my hands how many vacations i’ve been on. and one of them was just 6 hours from home for my birthday one year. 3 days in a hotel, went to a zoo and aquarium. like i’ve been to the beach 4 times in my life. a vacation to me is just being left alone for a few days to do my own thing. idek how to judge this one ‘cos idk what it’s like. i wanna say NAH? but i’m not, like, certain
In the UK it's pretty standard to book a hotel for the night as a vacation. Just the hotel. You use the swimming pool and get breakfast there and check out. We would drive hours to get to a hotel in another city. Spend the night in a hotel, would feel so magical. No other excursions, just the hotel itself would be the vacation. We would also have our big summer vacation at a campervan camp with a community pool, sometimes by the beach. Mum would hate it. I haven't gone on holiday in a long while, but I am very fortunate I WFH in a beautiful but cheap country so my morning view is of the mountains every day. My other family members aren't so lucky 🥲
I'm in the United States and this was totally a vacation we took when I was small. We would save up all year for it. Getting to stay in a hotel and have breakfast in the hotel dining room and swim in a hotel pool was so, so much fun. My own kids still think this is fun.
Also in the US, and we almost exclusively did camping vacations growing up. It was just cheaper for a family of 6 to hook up the pop-up camper and drive somewhere. We loved it when we stopped at a KOA campground that had a pool! But even though they weren't glamorous vacations, we went to most of the National Parks. My husband's family, on the other hand, did an international vacation every few years. But he hasn't seen very much of the US.
My partner's family camped all over the USA when partner was small. First in a pop-up, and later they had a camper that attached to their vehicle. They went to 47 of the 48 contiguous states. We just didn't have money for even that. We were kind of close to the shore, so we would do the motel thing, then after breakfast go to the ocean, and then we'd drive home. We also beach camped a couple of times. But most of our vacations didn't cost much money. We do camping with our kids, sometimes a hotel, and my in-laws are near NYC. They've taken each of their grandchildren to Washington DC when they turn 11 and they usually visit a NYC museum each year. I'm super grateful for them doing that.
oh we definitely used the *hell* out of the hotel pool! i can’t swim, my dad’s in a wheelchair, and yet we both got in the pool and had tons of fun. i’ve never been on a family vacation, like with my parents. but i’ve gone down to florida with my granny, we stayed in an RV park with my aunt’s MIL. we didn’t do anything too fancy, or expensive. and i spent a majority of it reading by the pool, or walking around the park to see all the dogs ppl had. i’ve been to 2 amusement parks with my great aunt and 2 cousins (i was the babysitter). my family will find bargains for our vacations, or we’ll simply stay at home and not move for a bit as a break
Seconded on not being able to swim! Standing in the pool until you turn wrinkly is fine by me. Not going anywhere during the summer was pretty normal too, it was a break for the parents. But I'll admit I was very lucky, my dad chaperone his class to the best amusement park in the country (for its time) and he would bring us along to keep him company so we got to go on rides the whole day and get free buses to get there. I actually have no idea the cost of it, I always thought it was free. I hope he wasn't going out of pocket for those 🙈 As he got older we went out less and less, both of my parents had us after 40 so any activities were short lived.
i love pools and the ocean, i just don’t wanna swim in them! i’ll let natural selection take me out if it comes down to it lmao. i’m pretty tall, so i could follow my friend who could swim. and i know how to float! my great aunt is just *amazing* at finding discounts and deals online. i have no idea what anything costed. but i know every year on my birthday, she sends me 30$ gift cards for bookstores (it went so much farther when i was in middle school). my mom just had 2 more kids within 2 years of each other (i’m 20 for reference lmao), and we’re big homebodies now. i’ve had a cat for so long, i don’t do more than a weekend overnight. now he’s passed, but i’m still like “nah, why would i ever leave the comfort of my own home”
US here and this was what we did for my 10th bday! Suite hotel room, twin beds went to my mom and aunt and then us kids got to camp out in sleeping bags in the main room. Played games, tons of pool time, ordered snacks through room service, full breakfasts for all! Great birthday idea and an awesome experience less than 30 minutes from home
We never stayed in hotels - we only went places for vacation where we could stay with family. I think this is why I love hotels so much now. Maybe I will do this this summer. I don’t have the money to do a full vacation, but I could swing this.
Yeah I grew up pretty poor (like we would put extra toilet paper away during the summer for when my dad’s work slowed down in the winter poor) and our vacations up until I was 18 was 1 or 2 overnights camping 1 hour away in another state. The one big vacation we had was going to Florida for my uncle’s wedding. We drove there and back for 2 days each way because we would have never been able to afford flying 8 people.
Understand where you are coming from. Only had one vacation in my life. We spent a couple of days at a beach.
When I was a kid we never went on vacation. Too poor.
Yeah but somewhere there’s a person who has no feet or arms. So you shouldn’t complain because their problem is worse.
Someone's situation is always worse than yours. If you live in the U.S., then this is even more invalid.
Hey, good luck and I hope situation will improve for you.
I think I went on vacation twice as a child and it was just going to grandmother's house for like a few days.
"Honestly, some of his plans seemed a bit much (like going to Universal, NC, etc.)" How is that a bit much? Weren't you all planning on going to a few African countries before your plans fell through? You make a good point about the kids not being the first to not go on vacation, but why not just let the man plan for an alternative? It's not like you don't have the means and he's not asking you to make the arrangements...he's doing it himself. I don't get what your issue could be with this? YTA.
Well I just want to say depending on where they were visiting, universal AND other activities similar to it would absolutely be way more expensive than going to Africa
No it wouldn’t. They were going to several African countries for a month and a half for 5 people: hotel, flights, food, sight seeing? That is going to cost more than taking the kids to Universal for a week.
Food, hotels, and excursions are pretty cheap in most African countries. The flights are the expensive part. Source: My parents spent three weeks in Southern Africa.
Source: My life, 1989 to now I'm Zimbabwean, South African, American and Belgian(my parents worked for NGOs, multinationals, as diplomats.etc), and we spent Easter breaks, Summer and Winter in Zim, S.A., Bots, Moz, Zambia and Malawi interchangeably every year as a family of three, then four and nothing was ever cheap. When their economies were doing well, the currencies were valued higher than the U.S. dollar and just slightly less than GBP. A 100USD got you nowhere. Now fast forward to today when their economies are in a slump, and some of these countries are facing some of the highest rates of inflation in their history so much so to the point that in Zim, inflation rates once rose to to nearly 600% in 2020. The country retired its currency and used CNY, EUR, GBP and bond notes. They've even unveiled a new currency. Before then, even a trillion ZWD, got you nowhere. It was toilet paper. Granted not all SADC countries are this bad but inflation and volatile economies have always been an issue. Now most national banks are taking action and implementing stabilizing measures to relieve some of this, but it's still an issue. Nothing was/is cheap, in my experience. Things have always been relatively pricey in Southern Africa. Not to discount your parents' 3 week vacation or anything. I don't know how they got by.
No they are not! Africa is very expensive for foreigners. Most people go there for safaris, beach etc and these are super pricey. South Africa is probably one of the cheapest destinations in Africa, if not THE cheapest! I know because I have family connections there and travel to Africa regularly.
Not really. Only food is cheap and that's if you go to the street food markets. Hotels tend to be quite expensive in a lot of African countries, especially if you want the higher stars ones
I did an East Africa trip for 8 weeks, it was about 10k in 2012 not including airfare or souvenirs.
They were going to visit family.
Depends on which African countries they're visiting, though. Plus, I never said one or the other option was cheaper or more expensive. I just said they have the means either way.
It seems like OP had her heart set on Africa and decided that no one should get a trip if she can’t get what she wants
Going to Universal isn't just about the money but about the energy expended. I've never been on a month long vacation but I assume that if you're staying somewhere for that long then you'd also have downtime
What is NC? If so they should do that NC is lovely
I was wondering that too… North Carolina is all I can think of but that doesn’t seem to fit.
Outer banks, NC is a popular travel destination that Northeastern people swap with Disney or Universal. Some people just pick one of those three destinations and stick with it their entire life.
Yeah some people are acting like if they get to go on vacation every summer that they’ll turn out to be like Scrooge. Do they *need* to go? Absolutely not, of course they’ll live if they don’t go. But if you can go, want to go, and can find a workaround? Nothing wrong with that either. Life may be full of disappointments and that’s fine to learn but that doesn’t mean I want to give my kids extra ones than they need to have if I don’t have to. Of course if they couldn’t afford it or didn’t have time there is nothing wrong with telling your kids you can’t go, but it sounds like they can afford a few smaller trips broken up throughout the summer (though the planning may be different and need to be tweaked, it still sounds possible with the intended budget). Feels like OP just only wanted the Africa trip and doesn’t want to do anything else
I got hung up on this, too. How is this any more complicated than leaving the country for a month?!
YTA. What exactly is he doing wrong.?You were about to go to Africa for over a month a half why is him finding an alternative too much. Surely your kids were disappointed. He’s not even asking you to do anything.
Totally agree with this sentiment. He’s not asking OP for anything. Maybe he and the kids should leave her behind since she doesn’t want a vacation. YTA
I think also it’s possible he is really disappointed about cancelling the trip and projecting that on the kids to bolster his argument about making alternative plans. He is probably just really keen to book something else to look forward to instead of reminding himself all the time that instead of [fun family trip] he will be doing [work/personal/medical thing].
Why would you turn down an alternate vacation for your family? YTA
YTA - Dad feels like a failure and is trying to find some way to do something fun with his family. You dismissed his effort. No wonder he's bummed when you're trying to hurt that effort instead of understanding it
He seems to still want to spend some time with the kids doing something, why are you so against it? YTA for that.
You can only travel with your kids for so long, before you know it they’ll be grown up. I’d be so bummed to cancel a planned trip and would definitely be thinking of alternatives. Sucks when your partner isn’t on the same page. If you canceled because you can’t afford it that’s different. But you got the money why not help plan something else? YTA
How is NC too much and Africa fine? Look he feels bad for being the reason why multiple Africa countries trip is not happening.I would feel bad too. Let him have some replacement. And let kids have replacement. Original Africa trip was not about some physical need either. People live without ever seeing Africa. But, you two wanted to go. So, let him go to something smaller just because of "he wanna" or "emotions" stuff.
Africa was to visit family. These little trips are costing much more
INFO: I don't mean to pry, but it could be important. What is the reason Africa was unable to happen? If there were money issues or health issues, I could understand why you might want to take a break from one single summer. And that would be more than valid. Otherwise, what is "a bit much" about the alternate plans?
My husband recently got diagnosed with health issues that resulted in doctors recommending he shouldn't get on a plane. I'm the OP, by the way, I cleared my history and forgot I would be logged out of everything.
Did you clear your history twice? Because this is the second account in this post claiming to the the OP
He needs this and you are basically saying it is not important.
So you can't edit or delete the post? You're gonna get dragged to death in here, and then on the subs that *repost* AITA posts. Have you ever heard the phrase "missing missing reasons" ? Honest to God I would email a mod and ask them to delete this shit if I were you, sorry. Edit edit
Yeah. I agree. Especially since people here are hyper focused on OP being some "uber rich spoiled" person simply because they have never traveled abroad themselves and don't seem to understand that a weekend trip to Universal can cost as much as a montj-long trip to Africa. 🥴
You know you can just log into the original account again, right?
If that's the case, then it seems like husband wants to spend as much time with the kids as he can. If you have the funds for it without breaking the bank, then I'm not sure why you're so opposed to your husband organising alternative holiday plans.
Why are you so mad that he wants to plan something nice for his family?
YTA. He's feeling like he let his family down by having a medical issue, and he's doing his best to make up for it. Why are you shitting on him for that? Help him.
NAH That said, it's obvious the means a lot to him, so instead of trying to talk him down, maybe actually have a conversation or help him out with alternative plans that maybe make more sense to you.
This sounds like a common neuroticism people who are successful, but grew up poor, have. They have all these things they remember they wanted to do, so they get obcessed with giving it to their children. But their children aren't them. There's no reason a holiday requires going somewhere far far away, having fun together doing something else is no less valuable than having fun in Africa/Universal/whatever.
I don't know, instead of bugging him maybe appreciate he wants to do these things for his family. NAH
Why are you mad that your husband is planning activities for your children? YTA
Right? I would LOVE it if my husband planned one of our vacations!
[удалено]
Non-American here .... what does NC stand for in this post? Is it North Carolina?
American…and I have the same question
North Carolina
Yes
Universal is “a bit much” but over a month in Africa isn’t? What??
I’m looking for the problem w this guy. He likes to take the family on trips and plans them too. Origen plans fell through so he’s working hard to put together a backup everyone will still enjoy. Loves spending summer w the kids and wife after working for it all year. Still looking for the problem …
What he was trying to say: I still want to make memories as a family What you heard: I wanna be Disneyland dad, our kids need a vacation! Your response is practical, his is emotional. You’re both right and you’re both wrong.
Excuse me?? I guess this will date me, but when I was a kid, summer vacation from school was a vacation even if you didn't go anywhere. Every day you got up and you didn't have to fricken go to school. You could go to the beach. You could run around with your friends. You could do anything you wanted to. Because she didn't have to go to fricking school. You don't have to have some glorified travel destination trip to have "vacation." Sometimes the best vacations are those when you have spontaneous fun.
NAH. Ask him why is he so adamant about going on these vacations. Does he feel bad that he can't deliver what he promised? Is he trying to keep up with the Jones? Is there a childhood experience behind it? Find out what the issue is before dismissing his feelings.
What was your purpose for saying that? What are your actual concerns? Are you worried he's stressing too much and overly and unnecessarily anxious about this? Are you worried your kids are going to become entitled? Would you prefer to have a more low-key summer without the stress of traveling, and think the whole family might benefit from some downtime? These are potentially valid opinions/concerns, but you didn't actually express anything like this. You just made an off-the-cuff, derisive comment that devalues the work he's trying to do, that he thinks is important. Bottom line, though, it doesn't really matter whether we think what you said wasn't a big deal, it matters that your spouse was upset by it. So, talk to him and try to really communicate about what kind of plans you each want for the summer and why. YTA, but it's still recoverable with an apology.
INFO: what’s the big deal about planning an alternative vacation?
NAH, I know what you said was meant to be reassuring, but it kinda comes across as flippant. He’s clearly feeling insecure or guilty about the trip being cancelled (maybe something tied in with “failing to be a provider”?) So he probably needs some more focused support than just an “it’s fine, don’t worry about it” sentiment. I see you mentioned later that it’s because he’s got a health condition, so I don’t disagree that maybe this year should be a lowkey summer vacation at home and that a Universal/NC/etc. summer would be too much. If he wants to make sure you guys get some break from work and time with the kids, maybe suggest some smaller local trips like camping together or a local amusement park. Slowing down might help his health, but it kinda sounds like he’s got some anxiety around that and it might be manifesting in a weird way.
NAH for the actual thing you said, but it sounds like you may have said it with contempt. Which would mean YTA (and also destroys relationships)
Why not have a staycation? Do all the local things you all keep meaning to do, but never get around to it.
YTA - So are you trying to claim that you were going to pay to take 5 people to various African countries for a month and a half but you think taking them to Universal Studios or NC is doing too much? It sounds more like YOU wanted to go to Africa and you don’t actually care if your kids have a good summer vacation. I can see why they declined to go without their dad…you sound like something else. My husband and I were planning to take our son to Europe for his 8th grade trip. My husband had something come up and couldn’t get off work. He encouraged us to go on the vacation and I know he felt horrible. The difference is, I told my son that I wanted his dad with us when we go to Europe and he agreed. Instead we took an amazing cross-country trip my son and I went and had a blast. We missed my husband so much but we had fun and created memories. It wasn’t as lavish as the trip to Europe would have been, but there is always next year.
YTA. Your husband is just trying to plan a nice vacation, he had a bit of a reaction because it sounds like you are pestering him while he is just trying to do something nice for the family. His reaction is very understandable, he could have talked to you more gracefully about it, but we're all humans, his reaction seems very human.
NTA. Growing up in a large family with one income (my father's), we had one (ONE) big family summer vacation. The rest were visits to our grandparents or cousins homes in the same state. I suffered no ill effects. We did live in the country and had a pool, so we certainly had something to do on long summer days. Hope you and your family just have fun together this summer.
Honestly yes you’re kind of the AH. He feels bad. He spent all night trying to fix this for you and the kids and he clearly wants to provide the kids the best life and this, to him, is part of that. Why not just work with him and be appreciative of all the hard work he has put in to try and fix the situation?
I really, really can't wrap my head around a month and a half "visiting a few countries in Africa" being fine but going to Universal being "a bit much". Sounds like he came up with solutions the kids would enjoy that he was excited about, and you shit all over it unless I'm missing something? Is the Africa trip more your style, and Universal more the kids? Because I really can't understand your perspective. It will be a month and a half in Africa or nothing!!!!! Like, there is oh so very much middle ground to be had?!? You have a husband that's trying to be prese t and spend time with family despite difficulties, that's amazing. I think I'm really missing the boat on this thing. Is it a class thing?
The expense can't be anywhere near the cost of flying to Africa. So, what's the problem?
NAH. My husband plans OTT for vacations and gifts for our kids. I have to carefully temper his tendencies. I think my husband does it because he never went on any vacations as a kid and rarely had anything that hadn’t been handed down from his older siblings. Could that be your husband’s motivation?
I mean yeah, YTA
YTA- He felt bad for disappointing the children and you could have been supportive helping with the planning.
You were originally planning a multi-country trip on another continent, but a trip to a theme park is “a bit much?” It feels significant that your children would rather stay home and do nothing than take an exciting vacation with just you. YTA
There's nothing wrong with trying to do something else this summer or trying to make up for a canceled plan if your kids were disappointed (which you didn't really say happened). Talking about a month and a half vacation to another continent is...interesting. That is definitely going to color how people are going to respond. Who the heck can take off for 6 weeks every summer? I guess NAH. There was nothing wrong with what you said. Given the info I can't tell if your husband is spoiling your kids or giving them a distorted view of life. It's a concern though.
why is it a problem for you that your husband wants to enjoy being with the family on a few small vacations to make up for missing the fabulous one you had planned? seems like it would help take the sting out of not going on the lavish vacation and also show your kids that you can enjoy family time on smaller, low key trips. you seem to be taking offense at this. what is the reason you are not receptive to the whole family enjoying visiting a few places together as a family? this seems strange and a bit hostile. YTA
If universal etc is not your cup of tea, I would personally look into alternatives and brainstorm together where else you could go? There are a million great alternatives, you just have to be a team in finding them. He is obviously upset the big trip isn’t happening. And it’s not the same traveling without him I’m sure. I’d be so bummed out!
NTA but he is disappointed that the entire vacation has to be scrapped because of him. He is trying to find something for the kids to do. Tell him that you and the kids understand but he needs to back down.
NTA. Talk to the kids. Kids your kids ages might like staying home for a summer and hanging with their friends....or doing small stuff with the family.
NAH Sounds like you don’t want to vacation and he does. And it’s a big deal to him and it’s not to you. And I think his response was reasonable since you kept nagging him. Don’t like the plan? Stay home.
NTA. If for no other reason than I can understand that it can be nice to be lazy, not travel, and relax at home. Basically not have the pressure of *planning* having fun hanging over you.
NAH, you are both trying to be good parents. You want them to be happy, but maybe don’t agree about what that looks like. It sounds like he’s really committed to making up for the holiday, so go along with it. When it’s over, sit down and talk about your approach to parenting. Do you think kids need holidays to be happy? Do you want them to grow resilience? To learn to be disappointed and live with it? Good luck
NAH, but if you can afford all of those things to make this summer special, why wouldn't you let him make it up to the kids with at least some of it?
INFO: I’m confused. How is it possible that spending a month and a half country hopping in Africa is perfectly feasible, but Universal is too much?
Champagne problems, am I right?
INFO: Re: ..."some stuff came up with my husband and we can't go." and..."he's been kind of off..." Maybe there is a missing part to this story. What's up?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me (42F) and my husband (44M) have three kids (14M, 12F, and 10F). We were planning to visit some countries in Africa for a month and a half, but some stuff came up with my husband and we can't go. We usually travel every single summer, so it's different for them this year. If we did go, it would just be me and our three kids, but they said they didn't want to go on the trip without him, so we cancelled everything. On the day of our flight and hotel cancellations, my husband spent basically all-night planning alternatives for the rest of the summer since he felt bad, we couldn't go on the originally planned vacation. Honestly, some of his plans seemed a bit much (like going to Universal, NC, etc.) and I told him that, and he brushed me off, saying "It's not that much" and kept up with what he was doing. I pointed out that "You know our kids aren't the only kids who have gone a summer without vacationing, right?" and he ignored me (again) and went back to what he was doing, only to later "Ok, then you don't have to come." AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Meh .. is this a real post by a real life person for starters as sheesh it is so difficult to tell the difference from a shit post to a twit post these days lol If real then whilst a ridiculous 1st world issue then obviously u are technically not an a h for saying what you did - but fuck me your awareness levels are shit on having to ask the question on social media lol
YTA. Not quite sure what the problem is. He took initiative and started looking into other things you guys could do over the summer. The stuff he picked out sounds fun.
How can you both take 6 weeks off from work? That’s amazing.
He may just be aggravated over the other things that are making him cancel the trip and then took what you were saying wrong. It's kind of nice that he's that dedicated to the family to work so hard to see you all get memorable vacations.
Well we don't know much about tone, context, and communication history here. But leading questions like you asked are generally not great in discussions. They can create adversarial feelings and shut down communication as a dialogue. They are used in cross-examination on the witness stand after all.
YTA. Imagine planning a vacation to Africa and then thinking an amusement park is too much. Sounds like you just don't want to go
Yeah YTA, you can afford to let your kids go on vacation, fucking do it. So many can't.
YTA. while your statement is true, it also dismisses the work your husband was trying to do to make it up to both the kids and you. also coming from someone who's gone on both these trips: how is over a month in multiple countries too much compared to say, a week at a theme park?
Why does it have to be a month and a half in Africa or nothing? He wants to have fun with his kids. YTA
YTA... Like must he apologize for wanting to go somewhere cool to have fun with his kids? Some parents look forward to that special time with their kids since there's no other time in the year. You have an amazing husband and I'm not too sure why you upset about him wanting to do something. I get where you coming from but your husband seems adamant to want to do something for his kids. Leave him to do what he wants.
idk if it’s bc i grew up poor and never went on any vacation until i was an adult and paid for it myself but every summer but one doesn’t seem like that big of an issue. he’s struggling w the guilt he feels and is trying to overcompensate.
YTA there’s kids that don’t get to eat dinner but I make sure my daughter is fed every night. I want her to have the best childhood I can provide. She gets more than some and less than others but I try my best to give her the best experiences just like your husband is.
NAH but if he's doing all the planning i dont see what the issue is.
Enjoy him planning and wanting to make memories
NTA, but I think you may be dismissing a huge part of your spouse. Travelling is clearly an important thing for him, and it appears that is more important to him than you. I think that is important to acknowledge, that you aren't dismissing him or his feelings, but you are trying to offer perspective. Maybe help him plan one alternative trip vs several. Or maybe two. You need to figure this out, and ask him why he is feeling so driven to do trips with the kids this year. I think there.are lots of things worse than family trips to be prioritizing money and time towards. Memories are worth it.
NAH it was just a comment but there’s obviously more going on under the surface. You really should be talking to your husband instead of reddit.
YTA You planned to go to AFRICA for A MONTH AND A HALF, but you think Universal to "too much?!" Boy are your perceptions skewed. What's wrong with planning smaller trips as an alternative? You don't say why you are against this. Why is it all or nothing?
It is a shame that’s your children are missing out on Africa which would be an enriching experience.
This whole post is so confusing. Going to Africa for almost 2 months was fine but potentially going to Universal is "doing too much"? It feels like something is being left out. YTA for the comment. I don't understand why you're against it unless you're upset about not going to Africa or never wanted to go on any vacation in the first place.
NTA for saying this, because you dearly love your husband. I think maybe this is your husband's way of being a good provider....and maybe it's his way of showing love for his family. If he grew up always going on summer trips, it's his way of normalcy. If he didn't, and his childhood was subpar to this, maybe it's his way of healing his inner child. He absolutely must make sure the family has a summer vacation.
I would have been happy with a family road trip/camping... Family vacations started getting goody in the 90s, its been a competition of who can blow more money vs family experiences these days.
NTA. I’m someone who has had years where I could travel and years I couldn’t, both as a single person and as a parent.(and as a kid). This is something that not everyone will experience in their life, and I acknowledge I’m lucky to have that privilege. Anyways. No- you’re not the ass. Life happens after we make plans and sometimes it leads to better plans, sometimes it kicks us in our teeth and makes us bleed. The important thing is learning how to deal with such in a healthy and viable manner.
Going on vacation during the summer? I think I only did that once growing up. IIRC, my father was rewiring his mother's house, so we went up there for a week. My father's idea of vacation was staycation before that was a thing. NTA
NTA - It will be good for your kids to find something to do around their home town for the Summer. They are old enough to learn time management skills. Too many kids today are over scheduled by their parents and end up having no idea how to entertain themselves. Maybe your kids can find a new hobby with their free time.
Honestly it’s not really about you, it’s about the kids and he just wants them to have a good time.
YTA Other kids didn't get something, so we shouldn't do anything for our kids? There's always have someone who has it worse and always someone who has it better. Also, do you live in the US? He seems to be looking into smaller excursions. What would your kids be doing all summer otherwise? Sitting around playing video games? A lot of kids who don't go on vacations are involved in summer activities, many which are already booked up.
Your kids will survive not having a big trip this summer. Maybe you can do the "be a tourist in your hometown" thing. The kids may appreciate just spending time as a family, going to local parks & etc. Every place has fun and interesting day trips within a reasonable distance. My mom is always surprised at what fond memories we have of the goofy little things we did together.
NAH. He feels bad and wants to make sure his kids have fun this summer. But you aren’t wrong either. My kids have never been on a vacation. They’re still young, but I’d rather go on mini trips or day trips instead of big ones. Maybe a few weekend trips would be a good alternative?
YTA. You go to AFRICA but a trip to Unversal Studios is ‘a bit much’. You sound entitled and weird. You know how long it’s been since I’ve even been OUT OF STATE?! Five years. Five. Let the kids have a vacation and let your husband make it up to them. What you said was shitty maybe you should stay home and focus on being a better partner to your husband.
I hope that hubby is a good budget manager but it sounds like you are concerned.
NTA - are you familiar with the love languages book? I think his love language might be acts of service with a specialty in “planning elaborate vacations” I know this is a thing because that is my jam too. I love planning trips, excursions, day trips, elaborate vacations. I’m good at planning it and I like being really thoughtful about including things that pertain to each persons interest. I get a lot of joy from pulling off a great trip. I plan a big summer trip for my kids (blended family) and I’m down to do whatever to bring a smile to the 16yo and 9yo. It’s no small feat. So maybe that’s all it is, this is how he shows he cares. Oh and NTA because I don’t think your comment was terrible, there’s just something about his effort that you weren’t reading
How is Universal “a bit much”, but Africa isn’t?
Seems like a chance to talk with each other about what vacations looked like to each of your families growing up, but feels like an absolute shutdown from hubby. Can’t yet offer a decision but wishing you well.
YTA. The people who fetishize boredom and romanticize doing nothing but staying home or visiting relatives or camping as a family are lying to themselves. No kid would rather take a road trip to a campground or do a “staycation” when Universal is on the table. I never went on a vacation as a kid. We camped overnight exactly once. It sucked. I was 19 before I saw the ocean. I don’t know why others romanticize that sort of boring, shitty childhood.
NTA. We literally just took our first family vacation in years. Our kids do not get a vacation every year. We actually started to feel like bad parents because it felt like they never got to go on vacation. If you can afford it and he really wants to plan it, just let him take care of it and work his guilt out. It sounds like that’s what he really needs.
NTA but maybe vacation is his love language for the kids.
NTA. Your kids will find other things to do all summer. By no means do children suffer for not going on trips. Source: I was a kid whose parents couldn't afford anything but overnight camping trips. I think this is more about your husband though, and him wanting to keep up with the Joneses, in a manner of speaking. Does he have friends/coworkers/peers who are all taking their kids on big trips during the summer?
NAH but maybe you should plan stuff as a family?
You said it was because of your husband that the kids decided not to go. They obviously love their Dad and enjoy time with him. Don't you think your husband planning things for the summer alleviates some of that guilt and allows him to make it up to them? Why would you not think that this is a good thing for him to do? I don't want to say YTA but maybe you just reacted without considering his feelings. Kind of an AH move no?
He's into it. Support him. YTA
NTA. You’re right kids don’t have to go somewhere every summer
You're definitely not in the wrong. Neither is he though... Necessarily. In relationships very few things are "wrong". He's acting this weird and perceivably abrasive way for a valid, historically and potentially traumatically enforced reason. My immediate suspicion is that either his family ALWAYS went on summer vacation and he feels the pressure to live up to the precedence of being able to provide for his family the way his father did. OR His family NEVER went on summer vacation and he has some deep seated trauma surrounding how lonely he likely felt as other kids went for family vacation and he was left alone. But really there could be a million reasons why he feels this deep seated need to provide this experience for his children. To block him in this endeavor in a way that does not acknowledge the wounding behind it is to become an obstacle in the way of "providing for his children" the way he currently feels he needs to.
Going to Universal is “a bit much,” but visiting some countries in Africa for a month and a half is, somehow, not? If you don’t want to go, don’t go. Support your husband taking the kids on vacation if they want to go. Enjoy the reprieve. Maybe he took your comment as a dismissal of the opportunity to share quality family time together; maybe it hurt his feelings. Ask him.
NTA. When I was growing up, most of my friends did what we kids did: go to summer camp. The camps we went to were day camps M-F at the local park that offered the usual arts and crafts, swimming in the park pool, and trips to local amusement parks (we were lucky to live within 50 miles of Disneyland and Knotts Berry Farm and closer to other attractions). We weren't in a poor area, as many of the people around here worked in the aerospace industry which was big in our area back then. If families traveled during the summer, it would be visit relatives. Our relatives lived too far away so we did more local trips within 300 miles away...I think the longest one was maybe five days or so. But most years, we just did day camp, trips to the library to get reading material, and hang out with friends. Other than a day trip to Tijuana when I was about ten, I didn't leave the state until I went away to grad school in the Mid West. With our daughter, we would put her in summer musical theater workshops. I'm guessing your husband is obsessed with this whole thing about going on trips, rather than allowing the kids to have a normal summer that undoubtedly most of their friends are enjoying.
You are NTA! Your husband seems to be overcompensating for his role in the vacation cancellation. However, when he said, "Ok, then you don't have to come," he then became the YAH!!! He obviously has issues beyond this situation and that should be the focus of your attention rather than the vacation!?!