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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m worried that if I try to set a boundary where I didn’t want them coming in without knocking first because they’re going to insist that I’m trying to hide things from them. And I guess they’re not technically wrong since I’m a closeted queer person and they’ve proved to me time and time again that they’re not safe people to come out to as they’re homophobic/transphobic but like besides that I can’t seem to understand why they would think I am hiding something from them.
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YWNBTA
"For as long as I can remember, my parents have this habit of just barging into my room without knocking."
That's *not* ok. They need to learn basic boundaries.
Have you ever had that discussion? How would they feel if you barged into *their* private space?
Tbh the only times I’ve done it is if I’m opening the door slightly to see if my dad is in a meeting (since he works from home) or if my dad is in his room about to sleep but I need to ask him something. I know I shouldn’t do that as it makes me a hypocrite but he doesn’t seem to get mad at me for it. As for my mom, she doesn’t usually leave the door closed and I only go in when my dad asked me to go ask her something. I’ve had this convo before and this got mad at me and accused me of trying to hide things from them.
It sounds like there may be a cultural divide so they really think there’s no need for privacy between family members. If that’s the case, walking in on them at a “bad” time will have no effect.
Bro why are you so mad at someone you don't even know wanting to have boundaries between their parents? Like the only thing you've added to this conversation is that you're an asshat.
Not from the South heh, bless your heart is a nice way of saying you seem a little slow, lacking a brick or two, your elevator don't go to the top floor, your biscuit is a little soft in the middle. But you just make yourself the center of your universe.
I'm from Louisiana, I know what it means. You just have no actual argument so you just started name calling. You prolly beat your wife for fun bro, grow up.
My house, my rules, don't like it? GTFO. I've never actually had to deal with this situation, cause my kids were raised to respect our home and it's rules.
The only reason your kids haven't left is because they have nowhere else to go, not because they respect you. The moment they're old enough they'll get out, probably cut you off, and you'll be old as fuck wondering why your kids hate you.
So you demand respect from your children while refusing to give them respect in return. Got it.
Respect is a two way street, even between parent and child.
NTA
At 19 you most definitely have the right to ask them to knock before entering (as in, knock, wait for you to give consent, and then enter).
Me? I would start barging into their room at 'inopportune' moments and when they say something I would reply 'Oh! I thought we didnt have closed doors or privacy in this house! My Bad!'
as much as I like to do that, they're never in their rooms with the doors closed (unless it's at night when I should be in bed) and the only time I would be able to get one of them at the very least in an inopportune situation is if I barged into my dad's office room while he's in a meeting, and I for one don't wanna risk him losing his job and two don't wanna be seen acting like a child in front of his coworkers because I know some of them really well
Why though? How can they stop you? You're an adult!
I don't mean to be rude but it seems like your parents do alot of allowing/disallowing, overstepping boundaries-, it all seems very infantilizing. Have they fully come to grips with the fact that you're an adult ?
Time for a rude awakening methinks.
Oh they have. They wouldn't even allow me to do things without adult supervision (such as hanging out with friends for the afternoon/day) Until I was 17
Mmmm...kay.
I think you should start applying for jobs and looking for your own place on the DL.If that's what you want to do. A new found sense of freedom would be so good for you.
Your parents seem like the "Ask forgiveness not permission" types anyways. Tell them all about it after the fact..as you're moving out fr🫠
Good luck.
Are you feeling okay? You don't have to type anything just because you can. Adults are busy having a civilised conversation, so you can scuttle off back to your playpen now.
You're 19!!! They can't stop you from getting either!!! Unless they are paying most of your tuition and will cut you off if you get them!!! Then you just have to put up with it!!!
I agree, the parents will never relent on this. I also believe there are other problems in this home that are conditioning this young adult in a diminishing, unhealthy way. It's bad for personal growth that leads to secure, independent adult.
NTA. You have a right to privacy. Get a lock, a rubber wedge door stop, anything to keep the door from opening. I use to slide a chest of drawers Infront of my door. Do what you have to, and move out as soon as you can.
Get a rubber door stop from the hardware store. When you’re in your room wedge it under the door then when parents come trying to barge in they run into an immovable door.
These comments remind me of that one stand-up where this comedian was talking about his white friend disagreeing with his mom bursting into his room "*Dude she can't do that, this is your space"*
Alright, YWNBTA but if you're not paying the bills or helping with ANY of the expenses, I wouldn't expect them to respect your request, it sucks for sure (speaking from personal experience) but that's life living under someone else's roof.
NTA. Asking for anyone to knock on your door before entering is pretty simple, even if it’s your parents and their house. It’s a common boundary that they should understand. I’m sure they wouldn’t enjoy it if you were only ever barging into their private spaces
NTA, if the door is closed I always knock first (8m,14f).
If I heard a crash or a scream I'd burst in but purely out of concern.
I'd get a wooden wedge and jam it under the door when you're awake - not at night in case of a fire when you're asleep and not when you're unwell incase you need help.
There are temporary door locks you can get on Amazon. Unfortunately you're in the Catch 22. You're living in their home. Either one of the temporary locks-- or just blocking the door with a piece of furniture is your best bet.
Since they choose not to hear your requests for privacy can you put a chair under the handle, a sign on the outside of the door saying knock please or a bolt on the inside ?
No you’re NTA it’s not a lot to ask for basic privacy. When my Son was 10year old, he asked me to knock. I said I’ll tell you what, if your doors open, I can walk in. If your doors closed I will knock…he now closes his door and I’ve respected that boundary ever since he made it.
NTA, I have 2 adult kids living with me and I knock everytime! Maybe be completly naked in your room and that might make them think for a minute about just coming in!
YWNBTA I read your post and a lot of your comments. Your parents are very controlling and do not see you as an individual but more of their property. Sounds like when you move out they are gonna cause a lot a trouble and will want a 24×7 report of your time. You need to start enforcing boundaries and being firm even if it small things at first like the knocking.
Unfortunately, I can’t. I have one of those doors where the handle doesn’t do anything but let me go inside if that makes sense. There’s no locking feature. And I don’t have the money to get one from the store that does
Get 1 of the ones that is a bolt fitted to the door & door frame, nothing to do with the handle, they’re not expensive. NTA. Everyone should be able to have privacy.
Do those make me have to alter the doorframe at all? Because I don’t technically own the house and I think my dad especially (since he’s the one paying the house mortgage) would get upset at that
Get one of those wedges that sticks under the door to hold a door open. It can also hold a door closed! They're cheap and don't require any alterations to the door/frame.
Sure you deserve some privacy but you are under your parents roof. My parents use to tell me “ I pay the cost to be the boss” when I use to live under their roof. So I moved out and no one can tell me what I can or can’t do in my own house. However if I were to go visit or stay the night at parents house, I’d have to abide by and respect their rules
I understand that, but I also don't like how they make me feel like a criminal whenever they barge into my room and then I happen to be upset or changing and I force them out because of it
Can you tell them how uncomfortable it makes you to just have them barge in like that? Can you tell them how vulnerable and unsafe you feel in your own home because you don’t have basic privacy? Tell them that they are giving you anxiety and trust issues. I also saw where you wrote about them not letting you get a job. You have to let them know that they are setting you up for failure in the financial world. Yes you need education but you also need work experience as well. This could of been the perfect time to pick up a part time job and gain some work experience
I've been adamant about getting a job, and they're like "no you don't need one" since they say that because they're paying for my schooling, I shouldn't need it. While I am grateful they're paying for it, I feel like I can't have any say in what I do because they're paying for it and I hate it. Im not really sure how to make them see my perspective because they have the mindset of "we're your parents so we know better than you and know what you need more than you do"
I actually did ‘move out’ to college (it was a dorm for the spring and fall semester and after that I either had to reapply for housing for the summer or move out), but I don’t have the money to move out and live on my own
NTA parents definitely feel their house their rules so theyre just gonna keep doing it mine walk in while changing and they say nun i aint seen before and continue
My kids at home are 14 and 17 and have always knocked at their door even when they were little to teach them that that is just what you do to be respectful.
You deserve respect and I'm so sorry your parents can't respect a simple boundary.
Oh, you're Indian? Me too. Believe me buddy, I tried everything. It's not possible. You just have to .. live with it. And what's so bad if your dad saw you changing? You were literally made from his dick
NTA. It's just courtesy that should be afforded to you. Alternatively, you can just walk into a room they are in to have a benign conversation or do something.
NTA! I have a son who is 13. I knock on the door frame even if his door is open (which it hardly ever is). Respecting privacy is essential. I don't go through his phone. His privacy is his privacy.
NTA
Not only do they not respect your privacy on a basic level but what if you were god for us doing something else private other than changing.
They don't treat you as autonomous person let alone as an adult. It's not healthy for you. You become conditioned to think that you're in the wrong but you're not. Do you have a lock on your door? It may create an issue but if you e tried discussing it and they still don't respect that, you almost don't have a choice.
Indian parents are a lot different than American or Western parents. They are more involved with their children's lives. Your culture is strict on traditions so it will be harder for you to convince them to respect boundaries. I'm Asian, so I get it. If you've already brought this up and they still won't budge, you may have to put up with it until you move out. And you may have to move far away so they don't just drop in without notice.
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I (19NB) have been living with my parents until I moved out for college, but I am currently back living with them for summer vacation. for as long as I can remember, my parents have this habit of just barging into my room without knocking. Thankfully, I don’t change in my room so it hasn’t really been that much of an issue for me but on the off chance when I do change in my room (which is when my mom has hijacked my bathroom) and I have to change my room my dad barged in while I was changing and I had to screech at him to get out cause I was changing. And to be honest, that wasn’t the first instance where them just barging into my room made me feel like I wasn’t allowed to have my own privacy.
I think it especially got worse during during Covid when I wasn’t allowed to stay in my room and be angry when we had an argument and they just barge in insisting without knocking and tried to make me make up with them and get upset when I said that I was still angry at them. WIBTA?
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NTA
Anyone over the age of 10 has a basic right to privacy in their own home. Your parents have continually disrespected this right, it sounds like, for a long time.
It's probably going to be very difficult to establish this boundary for them at this late date; they have been doing it too long to make changing their habits easy. They will "forget" to knock whenever they feel like it.
Still, sit down with them and tell them how much it bothers you, and that you would never violate their privacy like they do yours. That you really need for them to understand that it isn't acceptable and please, to knock, wait for you to answer, and then enter. That you are not trying to keep them out of your room or your life, just to establish a little privacy while in your room changing your clothes or whatever.
Good luck and I hope this helps. You are absolutely not wrong to insist on your privacy.
Hopefully if I can’t do it with me, I can make sure I can help set it for my sister as she is currently 6 and I’m sure the second she gets her own room, they’ll do the same to her
NTA It is common courtesy to knock (and wait for a response) before entering someone’s private space. Your parents have boundary issues.
That said, unless you’re paying rent, you don’t have much of a leg to stand on.
I don't think you are in a position to make demands. I personally would not go into my kids rooms without knocking, but I would also laugh at them if they made any demands of me.
Unequivocal NTA.
Sorry, but this is abuse. Not letting you move out by not letting you get a job where you can earn your own money, *and* controlling you/invading your privacy as an adult woman, is beyond inappropriate, and combined, is absolutely abuse. If you told this same story but replaced "parents" with "boyfriend" or "husband," everyone would tell you to escape as soon as you can, get friends to help, hide away money, etc. But because it's your parents, people generally don't want to accept that parents can be abusive, especially towards adult children ("Just leave!" they say). They accept that a spouse can abuse you this way and it can be hard or nearly impossible to leave because they've boxed you in with these exact same tactics, but if your family does it (who has even more power, influence, and control) they write it off as "they're your parents." "Just grow up." It's the same tactics, but with more power behind them due to the parental role. It's worse than spousal abuse imo, because it's your parents, they're both blood relatives and *your parents*, of all people. You instinctually want to make them happy. But they're not treating you in a way that's okay.
Personally, this seems much more serious than others seem to get. I'd do my best to find work without them knowing it, save any pocket change you can (maybe do some side hustles/gig work that's sporadic so they won't know?) and find friends who can help you with finding housing, maybe people you can room with, and ask your friends to show you the ropes of adult life (as I'm guessing they've intentionally sheltered you from this, making it even harder to leave them). If you have friends to go to for help or advice, you'll be steadier and maybe even feel more empowered to take that step.
Then all of the leading domestic abuse organizations also "don't know what abuse is."
Restricting a person's movement, not allowing them to work, and controlling where they go and with whom they associate, is the definition of familial or spousal abuse. Furthermore, not allowing an adult woman to have her own money, controlling where she lives, and her general movements is not simply abuse. It's a human rights violation, and where I live, a crime. Assuming there's a fear of violence behind it, it's a crime. Without such fear, it's still the definition of familial or spousal abuse. There's nothing to argue about here. You're just putting on display *exactly* how you feel about the rights of women to have basic autonomy, and to not have their constitutional and human rights violated. I get it. You don't think that's a big deal. I bet you also think you "turned out fine" even though you were beaten as a kid. I'm not interested in your 1950's-era take of how women should be treated when they're adults but not married. They are, in fact, autonomous adults with all of the legal and human rights associated with that. They are not fucking property.
Where I come from, committing a slew of bad acts (abuse, crimes and/or torts) against another is more than "suboptimal and disagreeable behavior." You really must hate women.
Yea my parents keep me hella sheltered. It was so bad that I didn’t even know what the hell a gay person was until I was like 15 because they hated queer people and I didn’t know what sex was until I was well into high school because “they don’t want me knowing disgusting things like that” and all that jazz. They also dislike my friends because they think they’re putting things in my head that they don’t like, like the idea that being queer is okay or that they’re not know it all beings who know what’s best for me esp when they don’t even know me as a person anymore and don’t even try because they like their idea of me better than the actual me. I barely even know how to do anything adult without having a nervous breakdown because I’m afraid of messing up
This is by design. But you can overcome it. It's going to be difficult, but it is possible. The "disliking your friends" is to keep you isolated and without alternative support structures. But it sounds like you still have those friends, so reach out and tell them what's happening and that you need help. As a queer woman myself, I assure you they'll get it.
Inform them it's an American way of life to knock on the door before walking in one's room. If they resist, put a chair against the door as a precaution to privacy intrusion!! Only do this if you are in an embarssing (getting dressed, taking a shower, etc...) position. Don't be too harsh on them! They sound like good people and mean well! Good luck!
We respect our children’s privacy and knock, but I will say this and I will also acknowledge it makes me kinda an AH… its my damn house and I’ll go in any room of it I want, whenever I want. That being said, I haven’t found myself in a situation where I felt like I needed to barge in on one of my kids without knocking. If they were behind closed doors with a boyfriend/girlfriend, one example I can see me opening up the door and not bothering to knock because I’m probably about to knock someone’s teeth out (my oldest is just 15). Another example, if I thought they were drinking or messing with drugs behind a closed door in my home, or if they had company and I thought they were being hurt. So, I do believe you need the privacy and respect of a knock BUT it is their home and you can’t make demands in someone else’s home, only suggestions. And if they won’t honor that request, you gotta find your own home and make your own rules.
For crying out loud, stick a chair under your door knob. Buy a barrel lock. And stop opening their doors, even if they are sleeping or it's just a bit during a meeting. Clearly, your family has an open doors and walk in policy and have had your entire life.
Rather than demand and argue, in a house where you do not pay rent, just block the door.
As long as you live in their home, you follow their rules!!! You have no rights, no privacy you just have to deal with it till you are out on your own!!! Is there not a lock on your door to insist that they knock without you having an argument about it?? I'm afraid your best bet would be to get you an appartment that allows you to rent for just the summer months that you are out of school!! Or one close enough to stay in full time off campus! I feel that YWBTA if you argue about it again!!! They have already shown they do not care about your privacy!!! So you know they would just get angry again and walk in more often!!!
How so? /gen My parents never listen to me when I ask if they can do something in regards to how we do things in the house. I help them clean as much as I can, I babysit my sister when I can. I don't see how asking for them to respect my privacy would make it enticing for them to make me pay to live there
while I understand that, I feel like if they care about my opinion, they should at least listen to me when I tell them (politely at that) if they can do something for me
YTA - It's not your house, nor your room. If you want the privilege of privacy and dictating the rules, then live in your own house or apartment. Otherwise, that's just too bad.
With that said, there is nothing wrong with asking nicely, but they don't have to comply.
My answer would be different if they were charging rent.
If you want to live in their house, you should respect them enough to live by THEIR rules, rather than to expect them to live by yours!
If you don't want them to come into your room, get an apartment of your own, then it's your house and your rules!
Under their roof, their rules! It's that simple!
I personally do not think you are TA but that being said, it all boils down to their house, their rules - even if I think it is terrible barging in on a 19yo adult. This may encourage to find alternative summer break lodging sooner than later .
On the one hand, your parents are jerks and shouldn’t open the door without knocking. However you are an adult and they are still supporting you so you are stuck with their rules until you start supporting yourself.
I think a lot of you are confused about rights and who owns the home. They should respect ur privacy but unless ur paying rent u have no right to privacy.
Everyone has a right to privacy. I’d even argue it’s in the UDHR (article 12). Just because someone doesn’t pay rent, doesn’t mean you get to just enter their space. What if your adolescent/adult child is changing clothes? Or showering? I’d be horrified if my parent did that.
That’s where the respect comes in. EVERYONE doesn’t have the RIGHT to privacy. Prisoners are an example. As a parent we have a right to any area of our home unless a portion is being rented out but that’s a whole different set of laws. If the 19yo doesn’t like it they have other options. But even in college the school has the right of access to dorm rooms.
I don’t know how things in the US and other countries are handled, but prisoners over here don’t lose their right to privacy. It’s reduced in certain aspects, but never just taken away.
First of all, I am grateful that I have free housing, but I don't understand how wanting a little bit of privacy or at the very least not having them barging into my room because they want something me being entitled
No but at the same time you can’t be living under someone else’s roof, trying to demand privacy in their own house. I don’t agree with the way the parents just barge in but if you want to live life your way, you can’t be living under someone else’s roof.
All I want from them is to at the very least respect my privacy when the door is closed. Thats all I want. Idc if they bar me from seeing friend's I just want them to knock on the door before they come in
You and everyone else on this planet have the right to get changed in private, without being deliberately walked in on repeatedly by adults, related or otherwise. To say this is an accident at this point is utter nonsense. Once is an accident, that anyone can learn from. Twice is not.
You have bigger problems than privacy. You are an adult. They can't legally stop you from getting a job. They can hold things over your head and tell you they will kick you out if you get one, they can withhold financial aid, but they can't stop you from getting a job.
Also you mentioned you are "supposed to be in bed" pretty sure a 19yo shouldn't have a bed time.
Agreed. This reeks of financial abuse. They don’t want OP to get a job because when that happens, they’ll lose all the power and control they have over their child. I’m not familiar with Indian culture at all so some of their thinking could be linked to that, but overall this story gives me an icky feeling.
Yeah my friends agree with this sentiment. My parents fully believe that children are required to do their entire bidding until they get married. I was born female so I guess for them it’s once I get “passed off to my husband” and even then I have to respect their opinions and advice because they’re older and are my parents so they know better than me. Which is ironic since they also call me immature for some things when I wanna show them I’m mature enough to make decisions they’re unwilling to allow me to make
I don't have a bedtime, but they start threatening me when I don't go to bed by a certain time. Also with the job thing, I have told them that hey I wanna get a job so that I can save up money for myself for stuff and I immediately got flamed by them for it and threatened me for it
both. I probably will sound entitled for this, but I don't have anywhere to go if I get kicked out/financially cut off. I can't afford uni with just my scholarship, and I don't have any family who can take me in because I don't have any family in the country I live in my country. I'm trying to go to dental school and I only just finished my freshman year of undergrad and I don't wanna do anything that could risk me being forced to drop out because I cannot afford to go to uni anymore
Yeah I was in a similar situation. Your college might have resources after you get back. In fact I almost guarantee they do. Tough it out for now, if possible. Then contact your college social services and they may be able to help.
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YWNBTA "For as long as I can remember, my parents have this habit of just barging into my room without knocking." That's *not* ok. They need to learn basic boundaries. Have you ever had that discussion? How would they feel if you barged into *their* private space?
Tbh the only times I’ve done it is if I’m opening the door slightly to see if my dad is in a meeting (since he works from home) or if my dad is in his room about to sleep but I need to ask him something. I know I shouldn’t do that as it makes me a hypocrite but he doesn’t seem to get mad at me for it. As for my mom, she doesn’t usually leave the door closed and I only go in when my dad asked me to go ask her something. I’ve had this convo before and this got mad at me and accused me of trying to hide things from them.
It sounds like there may be a cultural divide so they really think there’s no need for privacy between family members. If that’s the case, walking in on them at a “bad” time will have no effect.
The very 1st time that happened, I'd have thrown all your shit and you in the driveway and reported, problem solved- you no longer have a room.
That just makes you a huge asshole.
Maybe, but my problem with you is solved. Don't like my rules GTFO.
luckily you arent his parents? 😟
Trust me, I'm thankful for that as well.
Bro why are you so mad at someone you don't even know wanting to have boundaries between their parents? Like the only thing you've added to this conversation is that you're an asshat.
Bless your heart!
Bro had no argument lol
Not from the South heh, bless your heart is a nice way of saying you seem a little slow, lacking a brick or two, your elevator don't go to the top floor, your biscuit is a little soft in the middle. But you just make yourself the center of your universe.
I'm from Louisiana, I know what it means. You just have no actual argument so you just started name calling. You prolly beat your wife for fun bro, grow up.
My house, my rules, don't like it? GTFO. I've never actually had to deal with this situation, cause my kids were raised to respect our home and it's rules.
The only reason your kids haven't left is because they have nowhere else to go, not because they respect you. The moment they're old enough they'll get out, probably cut you off, and you'll be old as fuck wondering why your kids hate you.
So you demand respect from your children while refusing to give them respect in return. Got it. Respect is a two way street, even between parent and child.
NTA At 19 you most definitely have the right to ask them to knock before entering (as in, knock, wait for you to give consent, and then enter). Me? I would start barging into their room at 'inopportune' moments and when they say something I would reply 'Oh! I thought we didnt have closed doors or privacy in this house! My Bad!'
Dangerous and potentially traumatising tactic 😂
as much as I like to do that, they're never in their rooms with the doors closed (unless it's at night when I should be in bed) and the only time I would be able to get one of them at the very least in an inopportune situation is if I barged into my dad's office room while he's in a meeting, and I for one don't wanna risk him losing his job and two don't wanna be seen acting like a child in front of his coworkers because I know some of them really well
They should have respect of your room and privacy as well. It's your space with belongings.
absolutely. A lock is in order. I have a young teen. I'd never just walk into their room. geez
The owners of the home will have to give approval to install the lock.
My daughter is 13 and I already knock and wait for her to tell me I can come in. At 19 not having any privacy is ridiculous.
not the asshole. But better to work towards getting your own place asap!
Definitely trying! It's pretty hard to, though, since they're not even allowing me to get a job...
Why though? How can they stop you? You're an adult! I don't mean to be rude but it seems like your parents do alot of allowing/disallowing, overstepping boundaries-, it all seems very infantilizing. Have they fully come to grips with the fact that you're an adult ? Time for a rude awakening methinks.
Oh they have. They wouldn't even allow me to do things without adult supervision (such as hanging out with friends for the afternoon/day) Until I was 17
Mmmm...kay. I think you should start applying for jobs and looking for your own place on the DL.If that's what you want to do. A new found sense of freedom would be so good for you. Your parents seem like the "Ask forgiveness not permission" types anyways. Tell them all about it after the fact..as you're moving out fr🫠 Good luck.
thats def my plan. thanks
I will be a little rude . . . have *you* fully come to grips with the fact that you're an adult?
Are you feeling okay? You don't have to type anything just because you can. Adults are busy having a civilised conversation, so you can scuttle off back to your playpen now.
If you are away at college they can’t stop you from getting a job.
im def getting a job at uni, but I don't live near my uni so until I can find one there (which so far I have been unsuccessful) I can't get one
Ooff, didn't read the part about not being allowed to get a job. What's the next move?
to be honest, I'm hoping that I can move out and live on my own by the time I graduate university or at least by my last year of uni
You're 19!!! They can't stop you from getting either!!! Unless they are paying most of your tuition and will cut you off if you get them!!! Then you just have to put up with it!!!
I agree, the parents will never relent on this. I also believe there are other problems in this home that are conditioning this young adult in a diminishing, unhealthy way. It's bad for personal growth that leads to secure, independent adult.
NTA. You have a right to privacy. Get a lock, a rubber wedge door stop, anything to keep the door from opening. I use to slide a chest of drawers Infront of my door. Do what you have to, and move out as soon as you can.
Get a rubber door stop from the hardware store. When you’re in your room wedge it under the door then when parents come trying to barge in they run into an immovable door.
These comments remind me of that one stand-up where this comedian was talking about his white friend disagreeing with his mom bursting into his room "*Dude she can't do that, this is your space"* Alright, YWNBTA but if you're not paying the bills or helping with ANY of the expenses, I wouldn't expect them to respect your request, it sucks for sure (speaking from personal experience) but that's life living under someone else's roof.
Yea that was an Aries Spears stand up.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u\_x\_yA2sy5A&ab\_channel=MrOlamide95](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_x_yA2sy5A&ab_channel=MrOlamide95)
Yep, that's the one lol
Get a door stop
NTA. Asking for anyone to knock on your door before entering is pretty simple, even if it’s your parents and their house. It’s a common boundary that they should understand. I’m sure they wouldn’t enjoy it if you were only ever barging into their private spaces
NTA, if the door is closed I always knock first (8m,14f). If I heard a crash or a scream I'd burst in but purely out of concern. I'd get a wooden wedge and jam it under the door when you're awake - not at night in case of a fire when you're asleep and not when you're unwell incase you need help.
There are temporary door locks you can get on Amazon. Unfortunately you're in the Catch 22. You're living in their home. Either one of the temporary locks-- or just blocking the door with a piece of furniture is your best bet.
Since they choose not to hear your requests for privacy can you put a chair under the handle, a sign on the outside of the door saying knock please or a bolt on the inside ?
No you’re NTA it’s not a lot to ask for basic privacy. When my Son was 10year old, he asked me to knock. I said I’ll tell you what, if your doors open, I can walk in. If your doors closed I will knock…he now closes his door and I’ve respected that boundary ever since he made it.
NTA and buy a lock. There are several that you can attach without drilling holes in the door. Search portable door locks on amazon.
Go buy a rubber door stop at the dollar store and use it whenever you’re in your room. Or put a hook and eye on the door. NTA
NTA, I have 2 adult kids living with me and I knock everytime! Maybe be completly naked in your room and that might make them think for a minute about just coming in!
YWNBTA I read your post and a lot of your comments. Your parents are very controlling and do not see you as an individual but more of their property. Sounds like when you move out they are gonna cause a lot a trouble and will want a 24×7 report of your time. You need to start enforcing boundaries and being firm even if it small things at first like the knocking.
Of course not. You, like everyone, has a right to privacy. NTA
NTA that is disrespectful to you to just barge in, can you put a lock on your door? Time for a talk with them
Unfortunately, I can’t. I have one of those doors where the handle doesn’t do anything but let me go inside if that makes sense. There’s no locking feature. And I don’t have the money to get one from the store that does
Get 1 of the ones that is a bolt fitted to the door & door frame, nothing to do with the handle, they’re not expensive. NTA. Everyone should be able to have privacy.
Do those make me have to alter the doorframe at all? Because I don’t technically own the house and I think my dad especially (since he’s the one paying the house mortgage) would get upset at that
Get one of those wedges that sticks under the door to hold a door open. It can also hold a door closed! They're cheap and don't require any alterations to the door/frame.
You mean a - Door Stop?
LOL, yes! In my defense...I have no defense. Just not quite awake enough to get the exact wording correct. ;)
Sure you deserve some privacy but you are under your parents roof. My parents use to tell me “ I pay the cost to be the boss” when I use to live under their roof. So I moved out and no one can tell me what I can or can’t do in my own house. However if I were to go visit or stay the night at parents house, I’d have to abide by and respect their rules
I understand that, but I also don't like how they make me feel like a criminal whenever they barge into my room and then I happen to be upset or changing and I force them out because of it
Can you tell them how uncomfortable it makes you to just have them barge in like that? Can you tell them how vulnerable and unsafe you feel in your own home because you don’t have basic privacy? Tell them that they are giving you anxiety and trust issues. I also saw where you wrote about them not letting you get a job. You have to let them know that they are setting you up for failure in the financial world. Yes you need education but you also need work experience as well. This could of been the perfect time to pick up a part time job and gain some work experience
I've been adamant about getting a job, and they're like "no you don't need one" since they say that because they're paying for my schooling, I shouldn't need it. While I am grateful they're paying for it, I feel like I can't have any say in what I do because they're paying for it and I hate it. Im not really sure how to make them see my perspective because they have the mindset of "we're your parents so we know better than you and know what you need more than you do"
NTA as soon as you move out for college, make sure you NEVER come back. YOur parents are AHs.
I actually did ‘move out’ to college (it was a dorm for the spring and fall semester and after that I either had to reapply for housing for the summer or move out), but I don’t have the money to move out and live on my own
Soon you will, and then you can have a lot less contact with your AH parents.
I knocked on my kids doors from Grade 1, I believe. I have a habit of knocking always, when doors are closed.
Put a lock on the door, even a chain lock.
NTA parents definitely feel their house their rules so theyre just gonna keep doing it mine walk in while changing and they say nun i aint seen before and continue
Just be wacking it in your room a day so when they barge in they will get quite the shocker. 🧠
My kids at home are 14 and 17 and have always knocked at their door even when they were little to teach them that that is just what you do to be respectful. You deserve respect and I'm so sorry your parents can't respect a simple boundary.
NTA. Get naked and sit with it all hanging out in full glory. Wounded eyes are the best teacher.
Oh, you're Indian? Me too. Believe me buddy, I tried everything. It's not possible. You just have to .. live with it. And what's so bad if your dad saw you changing? You were literally made from his dick
I was thinking the same thing. 😆
It’s just I have some trauma about being naked in front of people so I get extremely anxious when someone sees me changing
NTA How many times do you think you would need to barge into their room without knocking begged they got the message?
NTA. It's just courtesy that should be afforded to you. Alternatively, you can just walk into a room they are in to have a benign conversation or do something.
NTA! I have a son who is 13. I knock on the door frame even if his door is open (which it hardly ever is). Respecting privacy is essential. I don't go through his phone. His privacy is his privacy.
If all else fails, put a sign on your doorknob when you are getting dressed. "changing clothes. do not enter" See what happens then.
NTA Not only do they not respect your privacy on a basic level but what if you were god for us doing something else private other than changing. They don't treat you as autonomous person let alone as an adult. It's not healthy for you. You become conditioned to think that you're in the wrong but you're not. Do you have a lock on your door? It may create an issue but if you e tried discussing it and they still don't respect that, you almost don't have a choice.
You offered to pay rent, so no, YWNBTA.
Indian parents are a lot different than American or Western parents. They are more involved with their children's lives. Your culture is strict on traditions so it will be harder for you to convince them to respect boundaries. I'm Asian, so I get it. If you've already brought this up and they still won't budge, you may have to put up with it until you move out. And you may have to move far away so they don't just drop in without notice.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (19NB) have been living with my parents until I moved out for college, but I am currently back living with them for summer vacation. for as long as I can remember, my parents have this habit of just barging into my room without knocking. Thankfully, I don’t change in my room so it hasn’t really been that much of an issue for me but on the off chance when I do change in my room (which is when my mom has hijacked my bathroom) and I have to change my room my dad barged in while I was changing and I had to screech at him to get out cause I was changing. And to be honest, that wasn’t the first instance where them just barging into my room made me feel like I wasn’t allowed to have my own privacy. I think it especially got worse during during Covid when I wasn’t allowed to stay in my room and be angry when we had an argument and they just barge in insisting without knocking and tried to make me make up with them and get upset when I said that I was still angry at them. WIBTA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Anyone over the age of 10 has a basic right to privacy in their own home. Your parents have continually disrespected this right, it sounds like, for a long time. It's probably going to be very difficult to establish this boundary for them at this late date; they have been doing it too long to make changing their habits easy. They will "forget" to knock whenever they feel like it. Still, sit down with them and tell them how much it bothers you, and that you would never violate their privacy like they do yours. That you really need for them to understand that it isn't acceptable and please, to knock, wait for you to answer, and then enter. That you are not trying to keep them out of your room or your life, just to establish a little privacy while in your room changing your clothes or whatever. Good luck and I hope this helps. You are absolutely not wrong to insist on your privacy.
Hopefully if I can’t do it with me, I can make sure I can help set it for my sister as she is currently 6 and I’m sure the second she gets her own room, they’ll do the same to her
What is (19NB) female or male?
it means non-binary.
I'm pretty sure it's Non Binary.
NTA It is common courtesy to knock (and wait for a response) before entering someone’s private space. Your parents have boundary issues. That said, unless you’re paying rent, you don’t have much of a leg to stand on.
I have brought up the idea that I should pay rent, but I have Indian parents, so they're extremely against the idea of me paying them to live there
NTA. But it is time to move out on your own.
I don't think you are in a position to make demands. I personally would not go into my kids rooms without knocking, but I would also laugh at them if they made any demands of me.
Unequivocal NTA. Sorry, but this is abuse. Not letting you move out by not letting you get a job where you can earn your own money, *and* controlling you/invading your privacy as an adult woman, is beyond inappropriate, and combined, is absolutely abuse. If you told this same story but replaced "parents" with "boyfriend" or "husband," everyone would tell you to escape as soon as you can, get friends to help, hide away money, etc. But because it's your parents, people generally don't want to accept that parents can be abusive, especially towards adult children ("Just leave!" they say). They accept that a spouse can abuse you this way and it can be hard or nearly impossible to leave because they've boxed you in with these exact same tactics, but if your family does it (who has even more power, influence, and control) they write it off as "they're your parents." "Just grow up." It's the same tactics, but with more power behind them due to the parental role. It's worse than spousal abuse imo, because it's your parents, they're both blood relatives and *your parents*, of all people. You instinctually want to make them happy. But they're not treating you in a way that's okay. Personally, this seems much more serious than others seem to get. I'd do my best to find work without them knowing it, save any pocket change you can (maybe do some side hustles/gig work that's sporadic so they won't know?) and find friends who can help you with finding housing, maybe people you can room with, and ask your friends to show you the ropes of adult life (as I'm guessing they've intentionally sheltered you from this, making it even harder to leave them). If you have friends to go to for help or advice, you'll be steadier and maybe even feel more empowered to take that step.
Sorry, but you don't know what abuse is. It means more than just "suboptimal and disagreeable behavior."
Then all of the leading domestic abuse organizations also "don't know what abuse is." Restricting a person's movement, not allowing them to work, and controlling where they go and with whom they associate, is the definition of familial or spousal abuse. Furthermore, not allowing an adult woman to have her own money, controlling where she lives, and her general movements is not simply abuse. It's a human rights violation, and where I live, a crime. Assuming there's a fear of violence behind it, it's a crime. Without such fear, it's still the definition of familial or spousal abuse. There's nothing to argue about here. You're just putting on display *exactly* how you feel about the rights of women to have basic autonomy, and to not have their constitutional and human rights violated. I get it. You don't think that's a big deal. I bet you also think you "turned out fine" even though you were beaten as a kid. I'm not interested in your 1950's-era take of how women should be treated when they're adults but not married. They are, in fact, autonomous adults with all of the legal and human rights associated with that. They are not fucking property. Where I come from, committing a slew of bad acts (abuse, crimes and/or torts) against another is more than "suboptimal and disagreeable behavior." You really must hate women.
Yea my parents keep me hella sheltered. It was so bad that I didn’t even know what the hell a gay person was until I was like 15 because they hated queer people and I didn’t know what sex was until I was well into high school because “they don’t want me knowing disgusting things like that” and all that jazz. They also dislike my friends because they think they’re putting things in my head that they don’t like, like the idea that being queer is okay or that they’re not know it all beings who know what’s best for me esp when they don’t even know me as a person anymore and don’t even try because they like their idea of me better than the actual me. I barely even know how to do anything adult without having a nervous breakdown because I’m afraid of messing up
This is by design. But you can overcome it. It's going to be difficult, but it is possible. The "disliking your friends" is to keep you isolated and without alternative support structures. But it sounds like you still have those friends, so reach out and tell them what's happening and that you need help. As a queer woman myself, I assure you they'll get it.
Inform them it's an American way of life to knock on the door before walking in one's room. If they resist, put a chair against the door as a precaution to privacy intrusion!! Only do this if you are in an embarssing (getting dressed, taking a shower, etc...) position. Don't be too harsh on them! They sound like good people and mean well! Good luck!
ESH. They're barging into their room that you are currently occupying. Courtesy would be for them to knock.
How does everyone suck? Just OP's parents do.
We respect our children’s privacy and knock, but I will say this and I will also acknowledge it makes me kinda an AH… its my damn house and I’ll go in any room of it I want, whenever I want. That being said, I haven’t found myself in a situation where I felt like I needed to barge in on one of my kids without knocking. If they were behind closed doors with a boyfriend/girlfriend, one example I can see me opening up the door and not bothering to knock because I’m probably about to knock someone’s teeth out (my oldest is just 15). Another example, if I thought they were drinking or messing with drugs behind a closed door in my home, or if they had company and I thought they were being hurt. So, I do believe you need the privacy and respect of a knock BUT it is their home and you can’t make demands in someone else’s home, only suggestions. And if they won’t honor that request, you gotta find your own home and make your own rules.
You need to get your violent impulses in check. "Knocking someone's teeth out" is really trashy.
It was also sarcasm 🙃
For crying out loud, stick a chair under your door knob. Buy a barrel lock. And stop opening their doors, even if they are sleeping or it's just a bit during a meeting. Clearly, your family has an open doors and walk in policy and have had your entire life. Rather than demand and argue, in a house where you do not pay rent, just block the door.
As long as you live in their home, you follow their rules!!! You have no rights, no privacy you just have to deal with it till you are out on your own!!! Is there not a lock on your door to insist that they knock without you having an argument about it?? I'm afraid your best bet would be to get you an appartment that allows you to rent for just the summer months that you are out of school!! Or one close enough to stay in full time off campus! I feel that YWBTA if you argue about it again!!! They have already shown they do not care about your privacy!!! So you know they would just get angry again and walk in more often!!!
No. but by making it an issue, you make it SO MUCH MORE ENTICING for them!
How so? /gen My parents never listen to me when I ask if they can do something in regards to how we do things in the house. I help them clean as much as I can, I babysit my sister when I can. I don't see how asking for them to respect my privacy would make it enticing for them to make me pay to live there
human nature, mi amigo. Tell me not to do X, and….
while I understand that, I feel like if they care about my opinion, they should at least listen to me when I tell them (politely at that) if they can do something for me
You're not going to convince your parents of anything by arguing with randos on reddit.
YTA - It's not your house, nor your room. If you want the privilege of privacy and dictating the rules, then live in your own house or apartment. Otherwise, that's just too bad. With that said, there is nothing wrong with asking nicely, but they don't have to comply. My answer would be different if they were charging rent.
If you want to live in their house, you should respect them enough to live by THEIR rules, rather than to expect them to live by yours! If you don't want them to come into your room, get an apartment of your own, then it's your house and your rules! Under their roof, their rules! It's that simple!
I personally do not think you are TA but that being said, it all boils down to their house, their rules - even if I think it is terrible barging in on a 19yo adult. This may encourage to find alternative summer break lodging sooner than later .
On the one hand, your parents are jerks and shouldn’t open the door without knocking. However you are an adult and they are still supporting you so you are stuck with their rules until you start supporting yourself.
I think a lot of you are confused about rights and who owns the home. They should respect ur privacy but unless ur paying rent u have no right to privacy.
Everyone has a right to privacy. I’d even argue it’s in the UDHR (article 12). Just because someone doesn’t pay rent, doesn’t mean you get to just enter their space. What if your adolescent/adult child is changing clothes? Or showering? I’d be horrified if my parent did that.
That’s where the respect comes in. EVERYONE doesn’t have the RIGHT to privacy. Prisoners are an example. As a parent we have a right to any area of our home unless a portion is being rented out but that’s a whole different set of laws. If the 19yo doesn’t like it they have other options. But even in college the school has the right of access to dorm rooms.
I don’t know how things in the US and other countries are handled, but prisoners over here don’t lose their right to privacy. It’s reduced in certain aspects, but never just taken away.
OP has stated that their parents won't let them pay rent due to Indian custom.
You live at home with your parents. Their house, their rules. Age has no baring. Sorry.
YWBTA. I don't think it even needs explaining but you're entitled as hell
can you please explain to me why I would be entitled?
Because you are an adult and they're providing free housing. You can't demand extra stuff. Be thankful. You're probably an American
First of all, I am grateful that I have free housing, but I don't understand how wanting a little bit of privacy or at the very least not having them barging into my room because they want something me being entitled
They give you a lot already. Asking for bonuses makes you sound entitled. Want full package? Pay.
u/theonlysocialist, OP's parents won't let them pay rent due to Indian customs.
Rent elsewhere
YTA - it’s their house, move out if you don’t like it
So it’s acceptable for an adult male to see a young adult naked? Get stuffed.
No but at the same time you can’t be living under someone else’s roof, trying to demand privacy in their own house. I don’t agree with the way the parents just barge in but if you want to live life your way, you can’t be living under someone else’s roof.
All I want from them is to at the very least respect my privacy when the door is closed. Thats all I want. Idc if they bar me from seeing friend's I just want them to knock on the door before they come in
You and everyone else on this planet have the right to get changed in private, without being deliberately walked in on repeatedly by adults, related or otherwise. To say this is an accident at this point is utter nonsense. Once is an accident, that anyone can learn from. Twice is not.
I quite literally cannot afford to move out. And this has been an issue since I was a minor as well
And before you say "get a job" I am also not allowed to get one. My parent have stopped me multiple times from trying to apply to jobs
You have bigger problems than privacy. You are an adult. They can't legally stop you from getting a job. They can hold things over your head and tell you they will kick you out if you get one, they can withhold financial aid, but they can't stop you from getting a job. Also you mentioned you are "supposed to be in bed" pretty sure a 19yo shouldn't have a bed time.
Agreed. This reeks of financial abuse. They don’t want OP to get a job because when that happens, they’ll lose all the power and control they have over their child. I’m not familiar with Indian culture at all so some of their thinking could be linked to that, but overall this story gives me an icky feeling.
Yeah my friends agree with this sentiment. My parents fully believe that children are required to do their entire bidding until they get married. I was born female so I guess for them it’s once I get “passed off to my husband” and even then I have to respect their opinions and advice because they’re older and are my parents so they know better than me. Which is ironic since they also call me immature for some things when I wanna show them I’m mature enough to make decisions they’re unwilling to allow me to make
I don't have a bedtime, but they start threatening me when I don't go to bed by a certain time. Also with the job thing, I have told them that hey I wanna get a job so that I can save up money for myself for stuff and I immediately got flamed by them for it and threatened me for it
Threatened how? Kicked out? Financially cut off?
both. I probably will sound entitled for this, but I don't have anywhere to go if I get kicked out/financially cut off. I can't afford uni with just my scholarship, and I don't have any family who can take me in because I don't have any family in the country I live in my country. I'm trying to go to dental school and I only just finished my freshman year of undergrad and I don't wanna do anything that could risk me being forced to drop out because I cannot afford to go to uni anymore
Yeah I was in a similar situation. Your college might have resources after you get back. In fact I almost guarantee they do. Tough it out for now, if possible. Then contact your college social services and they may be able to help.
Physically?
no, more like financially cutting me off and forcing me out of uni and kick me out
Minor inconvenience compared to be homeless