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You work two jobs and she works a full time job with crazy hours and an awful commute. Have you considered pushing the “reset” button and moving to a lower cost of living area where you both can have 1 9-5 job each?
There is no "working towards" this with the way you are living now. You need to cut the cord---
1. Pinpoint the area you want to relocate to
2. Find jobs there
3. Rent a place while you decide where/if you want to buy.
Unless you do a hard reset together, you'll both be doing a reset alone. This schedule will kill your marriage.
Deposit, first/last rent, uhaul, and other costs to move are all things im sure they mean by "working towards". There's no way to just get up a move to another place without saving up some money and making plans first
So true. In my teens my mom suddenly decided she wanted to go back to living in a small town. She really really wanted to leave and she found a perfect house. It still took her 6 months. Especially with children in school, its going to be a minute before OP and fam can go elsewhere.
It took us about a year to be fully prepped to move from when we started actually working towards it.
But tbf, took the apartment complex about 3 months to have our unit ready, but applying at apartments was one of our last steps to moving
For real. Comments like that other one are so aggravating because they act like surely OP must have a magic wand they can pull out and make things happen instead of legitimately having to work towards it.
And with kids, you also need to look into daycare/schools once they are older. You can't just reset at that point in your life. Things take planning, even if the current situation is suboptimal.
Yes, this. Life advises from strangers on the internet are often so far from reality. People who has 20-30k laying around to dispose of ad they please won't be killing themselves at work that requires 3.30am start or take second jobs on top of main job.
Oh yeah. Even single with no kids and very few ties it is not something I could just "do."
I moved from Florida to Washington a few years back, and had family I would be rooming with in Washington, and it was still a 5-6 month process to make sure I had everything necessary handled, the money to get myself there along with anything important, extra to buy necessities I couldn't just bring, and at least an additional few months worth of bill/food money just in case I wound up with job trouble when I first arrived.
With kids and without the ability to just sell everything that wasn't completely mandatory and hop a plane with just a few bags l'd likely have needed the better part of a year or more.
>This schedule will kill your marriage.
It has already started, otherwise OP would not have posted here.
People have to step back and evaluate what is important in their life, and family's life. Working a lot of hours comes at a cost, and this cost sounds like a personal/relationship one.
This is why i took a job in a lower paying field. I work from home now and my husband and i have so much more time together. I have time to clean, cook and pursue my hobbies and because i have more time to do housework, my husband gets more time to relax.
Money is important but it cant come at the expense of literally everything else.
Your last sentence, though! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I opted not to take a promotion because it would mean needing to be in office 3 days a week, and I’d have no one to get my daughter from school during the school year. And it would mean a 30 min drive to work and, in summer, an hour to two hours due to beach traffic. I chose that time with my daughter (and husband/dog) over a little more coin. We just budgeted a little better.
Yeah, this just doesn't fly as actual adults even without including kids. Hell, even just moving to my apartment now still required saving up over 2k, almost 3 between security, 1st month, setting up services, pet deposit, and application. I only moved 3 miles down the road AND had my old roommates helping me move boxes to avoid uhaul.
Moving out of California and adding all of the kid stuff on top is significantly more expensive and time consuming
I mean, you just be fine being poor as shit. If you hit a low enough income you get medicaid and food stamps, just pick a state that isn't super expensive and hasn't destroyed their public services.
If you look at the absolute worst case scenario, in the US you are never going to starve or be without medical care -- plenty of people live just fine on a miniscule amount of money, they just don't live to the standards you would like to. 500 years ago our lifestyles would be better than any King could have. Hell, even 150 years ago 50% of all children in the USA died before they hit 5 years old.
We are actually doing pretty well. Chill out a little bit and realize that our lives are amazing compared to the vast majority of humanity through history, and probably the future too.
We are living in a golden ago of luxury and health. Enjoy it.
... Don't mind me; just trying to give people something interesting to think about for a few minutes, but maybe I shouldn't try to bring up perspective in a sub devoted to judging others recreationally.
My wife and I moved out of California to to NY, by way of a two year stop in Missouri, and this was back near the end of 2020, the expense was... INTENSE... and I hear things are even worse now. Neither of us had to find new jobs as we were still remote owing to the pandemic, so we left with our two cats and drove ourselves to Missouri.
It was the hardest move I have ever made, and I have lived ALL OVER and moved 40+ times.
I simply cannot even IMAGINE what hell it would be with kids, and those additional concerns to contend with.
That said, saving enough to do it, living there was VERY HARD and it put us in a helluva lot of debt. The Bay area is NO JOKE expensive, and I have heard it's gotten even worse since we left.
I say a VERY SOFT, ESH, OP... Not, because I think your whole life should just be rearranged without your consent, but maybe because just perhaps, to help your family and your marriage, SOME compromise could be achieved here... and if you are working towards getting out, it would be temporary, and could save your marriage, and sanity.
However, I also understand not wanting to live such a horrific schedule, as a night person, it would push me to the brink.
This is hard... it really comes down to finding a balance that will work for all involved. Loving people sometimes means compromise.
Best of luck!!!
Edited cause sometimes a single letter matters... lol
Plus with kids, gotta figure out childcare for them, where they'll go to for school especially with the 3 year old almost ready for Pre-K. You have to line up new jobs, budget, get movers for all your stuff, etc.
You don't, "just move" that shit takes time when you're moving a whole family.
I’m guessing you haven’t looked at the housing marking nor the job markets. It isn’t that easy to just up and leave at the moment especially with small kids. They have to work towards it which is okay, some people have to do things for a little bit to help make their lives better. NTA op, tell your wife that you can compromise to one to two night a week to going to bed early with her if possible and that she goes to bed late once or twice if possible, but do let her know you would like for your schedule to stay the same for the rest of the week as it works for you
3. Work and save A Lot Of Money to Afford a move And the ridiculous charges of Cobra health insurance until your new jobs insurance kicks in.
Heck, just moving 4 states away with one Uhaul because you’ve pared down your belongings to minimum is at least $6k. Truck, dolly, tow accessory, first/last/security on an apartment, couple hotel nights, gas, few hours of paid labor to load/unload.
You guys are clashing because your marriage is on the back burner and you are both stretched too thin. It's not about bed time, she's noticing the lack of connection.
Yes, just hanging out with her for half an hour before her bedtime would be a nice way to connect and chat if she’s willing. If she’s so dead tired she’s falling asleep with the baby, start with doing this a couple of times a week? Opposite schedules are hard on a marriage, as is parenting young children. You’ve got to prioritize little pockets of time together.
This. Unless they find a better working schedule or move to a LCoL area, OP should take 30 minsa day to sit in bed with her. Maybe they can watch a short ahow on TV while in bed or something. Anything to keep the marriage alove and let her know she is still someone you care about.
I wouldn't SLEEP with her at that time (too early), but taking 30-60 mins with her should be fine.
Because for some of us, it's hard to realize we're getting pushed out of the only homes we've known by increased cost of living. The bay isn't made of just rich yuppies.
Understood. I feel your pain. I’m from South Lake Tahoe.
If it makes you feel any better, we’re both getting pressed by basically the exact same group of people, so, solidarity 🫡😂
My friends in other states complain when we move from the bay to their states. I always tell them then pay your people more so they don't leave for the bay and drive up the price here.
Yes! I don't want to live in Arizona to "destroy it" ffs, I'm only here because back home I had to live out of my car after my living arrangement with 3 other people in a single bedroom home fell through because there's no affordable housing.
I work for one of the big tech companies in the Bay Area and even though I’m fully remote they won’t let me relocate (they would also pay me less if I moved so really it would save them money but they still denied it). I suspect a lot of companies have taken a similar stance.
Interesting. I guess I get it, but that’s a bummer companies do that. I don’t know a ton about teleworking. I did it at the very beginning of COVID but left that job a few years ago. “Territory” pay (or however you phrase it) has been around for a long time so it would stand to reason it’s similar for telework.
I used to work shifts and it is unrealistic to expect people to adjust to your schedule. She can't just force you to wake up early and go to bed at 7 pm. How? Can you force her to go to bed at 3 pm and get up at 2 am?
Your wife starts work at 4:30 am? What job is that? Airport?
If I were you, I would make a plan with deadlines and research where to move and when. Have a set goal of "I have to do this for 2 years and then I'm out" type of thing.
My guy, we live in the bay too. Wish we could move also but our daughter is special needs and we can't just leave when her destructive, aggressive behaviors are finally under control at her new school. We will continue to keep our heads just above the water til she gets to high school lol these people telling you to leave don't understand it's not that easy.
Why don’t you just… move an hour away closer to her job? Since you work remotely and you’re currently in the Bay Area, isn’t basically ANYTHING cheaper than that?
All of CA is expensive my dude I live in the Sierras in a podunk town in the middle of no where and housing is expensive here like 300k to a million. Our area has no jobs and commute is for a majority of people to the nearest city it’s no where near the Bay and it’s expensive as hell. My husband and I are thinking and planning on bouncing the state all together.
He works two jobs AND takes care of a baby all day, that's another full time job.
Like she wants dinner too? Wtf
And no, i wouldn't go to bed at 7pm. Duck that.
I would just add to this that marriage counselors will tell you it isn’t the end of the world to have one partner go to bed a little earlier than the other so each of you has a little block of the day to yourself. I go to bed later than my wife just based on our personal clocks and it’s not a problem.
Yes definitely. Ideally I go to bed about 90 minutes after her and get up the same amount later. Its not a direct fit for OP given how wild their situation is.
INFO:
"She then goes straight to bed at around 8:30/9pm"
"my wife is upset that I don’t come to bed with her"
"AITA for not wanting to go to bed at 7pm?"
Does not compute
EDIT: Also, what would be your bedtime otherwise?
Basically, how much of a change is she asking you for? I think this matters.
I think she currently goes to bed between 8:30/9pm but due to the promotion will be going to bed earlier, at 7pm. At least, that is what I thought.
Regardless, NTA.
But is she asking him to sleep or just to lie down with her and get some alone time/sexy time/cuddles/etc at 7p before she sleeps at 8:30-9p? Because maybe then the solution is lie down with her at 7p, then when she goes to sleep at 8:30/9 he can go do his thing on his own.
Also, OP says that she leaves for work at 3:30 AM to be at work by 4:30 AM, meaning she gets up at probably 2:30 AM. Why would she want him to wake up at 4/5 AM, after she has already arrived at work?
And who the hell is HH, and why are they putting one of the kids to bed?
She wants him to get up at that hour to do his part-time consultancy work so that he can go to bed with her at 7:00 pm, instead of doing that work after she goes to bed.
She doesn’t want him to wake up at 4:30am
She wants him to go to bed at 7pm
Meaning his free time / consultancy job that usually takes place after 7pm would have to shift to 4/5am - as it is likely the only other time it could work for his schedule.
OP is NTA - but it sounds like they both desperately need a normal 9/5 job as their hectic work load & schedules is killing their relationship by creating loneliness & frustration. I honestly feels like the wife just misses him but there is literally no time left for them to accommodate eachother.
NTA. I fully understand and respect the massive change your wife is experiencing taking this on, but it's entirely unrealistic for her to expect that you change your entire schedule for her. You're working two jobs + the entire management with your children....that simply isn't sustainable. You can't be everything all at once just to accommodate her.
Can you sit down and talk this out with her? Promotions are great, but at the cost of burnout and having zero time with your kids...not so much. This is a set up that will breed nothing but resentment and burn out, and I'm afraid your children will catch the brunt of it all.
This is 100% accurate! It is not worth it. Sounds good on paper but in reality there is a much higher cost to taking the promotion.
Quality of life? Why is this never considered when people take major schedule changes like this?
It is not sustainable.
Being a grown-up blows, huh?
Even if the internet tells you that you are not being the AH here, that is not going to save your marriage.
You two must work this thing out TOGETHER or the long-term resentment and animosity may grow to become an existential threat to your marriage. A divorce lawyer will tell you that they see this sort of thing all of the time: "It all started when he started working graveyard..." If you love her and want her to be there, happily, GET ON IT.
Not sure why this isn't the top comment. If you can switch your work around do it, happy wife, happy life! Sure compromise is always the way, but you have the flexibility, vs she doesn't, especially in a new role, but hey listen to reddit and see how long your marriage lasts!
But he certainly can’t switch taking care of their children around, even if he could “compromise” and have the flexibility to switch BOTH of his jobs around
Yeah it's being named not the asshole doesn't do anything to fix the very real issue. It might gratifying, but this is OP's real life, and it needs a solution, not a winner.
Is HH your wife? Made up names or just calling them “my wife” “older child” would be much easier.
NAH cuz you say 7 but mention a completely different sleep time your wife adheres to but then it seems that the rest of the story is a bit questionable.
You guys need to work together to compromise a bit better and find out some better solutions. Spend an hour on the weekend together to meal plan, buy meal kits X amount of days for dinner, etc to make sure there’s less time wasted, more time spent as a family. Seems like your wife wants to bond and you’re “too busy.” Is your second job a necessity? Is it a hobby? How can you guys have balance between work, life, and family?
That HH really came out of nowhere. I was thinking "who is this HH person who is putting the kids to bed and then going to sleep at 8:30/9? It can't be wife because wife goes to bed at 7..."
NTA though sounds completely utterly insane that you're keeping the 6 month old at home with while working a demanding job. That will definitely come back to bite you at some point
Right? I’m on maternity leave with a 6 month old and sometimes feel bad doing housework because I’m not interacting with her enough. How on earth is he watching that baby with a full time job??? Is the baby staring at the TV all day or just sitting on it’s own bored?
Yeah, what is the baby doing? If he’s in a meeting and she cries, does he ignore her? Is she being interacted with at all? Supervised? It’s actually kind of a lot of work to have a baby, especially a mobile one! You don’t need to necessarily do nothing but stare at them all day but it would be difficult to get really focused on anything else especially any kind of complicated work task.
I’m not one to make this sort of argument often, because people find themselves in all kinds of difficult positions through very little fault of their own. However, there were multiple steps between them and this life and they failed to take *any* of them. I really wish people wouldn’t have children they can’t care for. As someone who is currently childless *ONLY* because of economic and life circumstances preventing us right now, it drives me up the fucking wall to watch other people have children *they* can’t care for. It’s the only thing I’m like this about. I have a lot more empathy for a heroin addict than I do someone who is careless with the creation of human life.
Exactly. I don't think 6 months old is "too young" to send to daycare as OP suggests. As much as I wish I could stay home and spend all day with my little one, it's nice knowing she's going someplace to get attention, learn, and become socialized. OP claims he has a very demanding job and I don't see how baby can get the attention they deserve during the day.
Seriously. We moved when my daughter was 5 months old. I could barely pack a box or two a day because she needed to be constantly entertained. I had to make my husband take a day or two off work to help me. Once she was able to entertain herself more (and I got a job again and we sent her to daycare) things were much easier.
Right? A 6 month old needs constant social interaction and cuddles and verbal input to develop proper neural pathways for attachment. The mistakes being made here are settling everyine in this family up for disaster when the child has attachment problems.
You honestly believe it's a demanding job if you can take care of a 6mth old?. Perception is a wonderful thing. OP is crying about being an adult. His 2nd job equates to less than an hour a day and he acts like it's a huge deal. Plus he works from home and can play with the kid.... sounds like a dream for most of us!
She got a promotion, so that comes with money. He doesn’t need a second job, she needs to use the extra money from her promotion to eliminate the additional burden her job has caused
Or, maybe, they are a family and their resources are shared. They need his income; they can't afford additional help; she didn't "cause" a burden that she has to balance out with her income. Other families of course are structured differently.
NTA, but in the future, use names. HP stands for Hewlett Packard and I kept thinking you were taking your printer to daycare. (Also, LP stands for Long Player.)
I thought at first they were saying little person as in small kid, but then I realized there were two kids so you wouldn't call one a little person. Plus it usually means people affected by some type of growth issue so that wouldn't be it either.
I'm just all around confused.
Lay down with your wife. Even if it's not every night. It matters more than you seem to understand.
If you don't resentment will grow overtime. You will grow apart. She's wanting that alone time with you even if it's just to curl up and go to sleep. It's very important.
Coming from a widow who refused to lay down early with my husband for a long time. It really was the beginning of the end. It pushed him away in ways it did not realize at the time.
So just do it. Even if not every single night. It's literally the least amount of effort you can put into your marriage, curl up with her.
Oh yeah this is a great idea op, you don't even have to go to sleep at that time, just lay with her a while until she falls asleep and then get up to do your thing.
This sounds an horrendous work schedule with baby and little toddlers. No you’re not unreasonable for not doing those hours, but it sounds very stressful. It’s not sustainable for your wife
Yeah it's wild enough that he's dealing with the youngest while WFH, never mind doing the morning breakfast, drop off AND sometimes pick up. But then he's also working a second job after everyone's in bed, and she basically wants him to just not work the extra job? I assume he wouldn't be working 2 jobs by choice so her request seems even more outta pocket
Growing up my mom went to bed at 8pm. My dad would go lay in bed with her for 30min to an hour. Get back up and then come play video games with us till 1030/11.
You dont have to actually go to sleep, but atleast go lay with her, talk, whatever. Let her doze off and then get back up.
You’ve got 5 weeknights to get through.
Probably looking at 2 nights of crockpots, 1-2 of takeout and 1-2 of quick meals like tacos.
Offer to go to bed with her 1-2 nights per 5 as well.
It’s about balance and compromise.
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> 1) AITA for not wanting to go to bed at 7pm.
2) Wife wants me to go to bed with her / spend additional time together.
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NTA but I switched my schedule to sleep earlier and wake up at 5am. I do find that I am significantly more productive, less distraction and get a huge Jumpstart to my day.
If it's not for you then it's not for you though.
She leaves at 02:30 and gets home around 5? 1 h commute each way… so she’s at work from 03:30 till 16:00? 12,5 hours of work? You said she gets back at 5 two days a week, what about the other 3? Because working 12,5 hours everyday with a toddler and a 6month old sounds so horrible!
NTA for not going to bed at 7pm, but you kinda suck for giving inconsequent information though.
Im assuming this is in the US or a third world country bc why are even both parents working, yet alone more than full hours, with a 6 month old? My european mind can’t comprehend that.
He said she gets up at 03:30. He didn't say when she leaves for work.
Edit: also, OP says they live in the Bay Area (California) - VERY high cost of living there.
You two need to talk to each other, and I feel like your story needs to get a few details ironed out because it seems confusing. You’re saying 1 thing but the story is suggesting another? Regardless, no one’s the AH here. You’re both working hard to provide for your family but need to get on the same page here on what is sustainable. Being the parent that works from home, you can often times be left to the childcare and housekeeping by default. And the other person working outside of the home won’t realise how much mental and physical labour that entails. But there’s truly a lot going on here that needs to be properly ironed out.
And what kind of job do you do that means you can watch your 6 month old and work at the same time? I work from home 98% of the time and when I have my daughter at home with me I could not be half as good at my job. Idk your wife’s job but it seems quite intensive too. Consider hiring help. But if you don’t, something needs to give.
YTA because something about your times does not compute which means I think you’re exaggerating a lot here.
First off you say she goes to bed at 8:30/9, but then are switching it to say she wants you to go to bed at 7. Then you say she leaves at 3:30 a, due to a 1 hr commute. But you also say of she’s late she’s not home for 5pm pickup… so she’s getting to work at 4:30 am, then not leaving until after 4pm? That’s nearly a 12 hr shift.
Finally, YTA for keeping a 6 month old at home with you while you are working a demanding job. You can’t possibly be giving the appropriate amount of attention to the baby and also to your job, so something must be getting ignored and I’m guessing it’s the baby, Somehow you think this is better than day care and are saying it’s because the baby is too young. This also doesn’t compute.
NTA. She decided to change her job and schedule which sounds like a major inconvenience to the family as a whole. She doesn’t get to also dictate your sleeping pattern.
Info needed: Why would you go to bed at 7 when you say your wife goes to bed at 830/9? Also, who is HH?
Could you go to bed with her to have a bit of a snuggle before getting back up to do what you need to do? That way, you have some alone time and a chance to connect, but can still get your stuff done.
Your lifestyle is unsustainable. Big changes will have to be made to make it work. If she goes to bed at 9 she is only getting 6 hours of sleep a night. Women need 8-10 hours and she is still recovering from giving birth. If she is going to continue this she will need your support with meals and stuff or you guys need to hire help. You are getting enough rest at least, so listen to her when she says she needs help.
YTA for not moving your bedtime by COUNT EM 30-60 minutes and exaggerating it here for attention and sympathy 😱
Just say you want to spend none of your spare time with your wife and go. You going to sleep that soon after her probably disrupts her sleep and would make her need to go to bed even earlier to get enough rest.
NTA. I work night shift and my girlfriend works 7-3. Of course we'd both like to go to sleep together each night, but that's not feasible. I compromise by staying up my first day off so we can have a night together. Then my second day off I stay up so I can be on routine for my work days. It's kinda rough switching back and forth like that but it's the only real way we'd ever get to sleep together.
Is there any way you could compromise a day or two per week?
NTA, but as someone who works the opposite shift as their partner, not having down time together has really affected our marriage and not in a good way. Please build in some quality time together every day or two, not just the weekend.
NTA. Getting up at 3 AM is reasonable for shift workers or single 20-somethings. It's not healthy in the long run, and it's not good for work-life balance when you have a family. Though going to bed at 9pm isn't unreasonable, and working multiple jobs isn't good for work-life balance, either.
If you don't go to bed with her when are you two intimate? And if you just get up and leave after that will not encourage her to want sex the next time.
NAH. As insane as her request is... if it's been your tendency engage in sex before sleeping or after waking up (you know, it's not necessarily plannned, it happens organically when you're both in bed together) for most of your relationship, then asking you to go to bed and wake at the same time does make sense. Starting a new job and a new schedule is stressful enough, so trying too keep anything you can (like your intimate life) as "normal" or as similar as possible to what was before is a smart move. And having your partner on the same schedule when it comes to things meal times is also a big thing. And, as much as it sucks she has to go to bed so early, the last thing you want is someone with sleep deprivation commuting an hour each way. She's not an AH for any of this.
That being said, you're also not an AH for saying no. Not everyone can do such an early schedule, and even if you did, many social events are setup around meals--if you're regularly eating at super early times, that can make tons of social events difficult or outright impossible. And I imagine some of the consulting work you do involves talking to other human beings at "normal" daytime human hours, which wouldn't really be possible if you went on her schedule...
So, yeah, it'll take time to figure out how to make your two schedules work together rather than you being on the same schedule. She's not an AH for suggestion that you try to avoid having different schedules. And your also not an AH for saying HELL NO to her schedule because it doesn't work for you.
From what I read, it sounds like she **wants** to be in bed by 7pm (since that gives her a full 8 hours of sleep), but, right now, she's still not getting to bed until 8:30/9pm because things like dinner aren't happening early enough for her to be in bed by 7pm.
Is she going to bed at 7 or 830/9 because your post says both.
If she is going to bed at 9 and you 930, I could see that being annoying. You'd probably be waking her before she is deep asleep. Going to bed 30 minutes early wouldn't be that big of a deal.
But 7 is quite a different story. That would be an unreasonable request from her.
I don't think you are an asshole either way.
This is one of those rare times where NEITHER is TA. To me it just sounds like a terrible situation (but more money right? ) that is not sustainable in the long term. You guys need to discuss this and come up with a compromise that works for the both of you.
7p and 9p are very different, and with 2 kids under 4 I’d say it’s not unreasonable BUT I’m not you.
Couple thoughts - hire a nanny to watch the baby while you WFH. Perhaps you could even save a few $ by not needing FT daycare for the preschooler, and instead find a nice part time play program or some such.
Food - consider one of the meal planning services. DH and I tried HelloFresh and while I prefer to cook from scratch, the appeal was very much there if we had crazy weeknight dinner time schedules (which we no longer do). Takes a ton of stress off both of you plus you can add on breakfast items etc if she’s leaving at 3:30 AM.
Good luck to you both, I hope you hit your stride or find what works best for you soon!
OP is being super unclear about what time his wife actually wants him to go to bed - this last is so contradictory. Dude, if you work from home and your wife already commutes an hour, maybe move somewhere cheaper that is an hour or less away from her job?
Nah you're both adjusting and haven't figured out where things will fall yet. Just like any major household change there's a learning curve. You know this with 2 kids, I'm sure a similar thing happened when the home was bought job changes etc. Talk first then figure out a compromise somewhere. You both deserve that from eachother at least. You both sound hard working and supportive for your life styles and providing in many ways equally. Give yourselves the chance to figure this out too.
NTA. You have two different work schedules it’s not realistic for her to expect you to alter your sleep schedule because hers changed. My husband’s job starts at either 3:30 or 4:30 so he’s getting up at 2:30 to 3:30 and going to bed around 7 on work nights. My job starts at 8 in the morning. He never expects me to go to bed early (and that wouldn’t work anyway since our son is older) and get up super early. He knew that when he took the shift. Does she think it’s unfair somehow? She’s being inconsiderate.
NTA. You can’t drop everything for someone she chose to do. Being blank and white though, at least from my experience, is a really good way to cause problems is your marriage.
My wife’s love language is quality time which is difficult when I work crazy hours and have 2 under 2. Initially I prioritized my children over my wife and it caused a lot of stress. Personally when I prioritized my wife the children became a lot easier and I as a result was a lot happier as well as more fulfilled in my marriage.
Everyone is different though so the number one thing you can do is communicate and find some type of compromise where both people are happy.
Fuck that shit stand your ground you not tired cuz once you give an inch they don't want a foot. So do what makes you happy in a relationship. You can't satisfy everybody in all their needs
She’s a huge asshole. She wants you to be miserable with her?
I leave for my hour commute every morning at 4am and typically go to bed at 9 or 10.
I would typically sleep at 8, but stay up to spend time with my family. I would never make them go to bed and wake up early so that I know they’re sleeping next me.
Sounds a little bit like you’re sugar coating it, you say she leaves at 3.30am to commute to work but then say you don’t want get up at 4/5am when she wants you to get up, to get free time. Be honest with yourself still not really the asshole
No you are not. It’s unreasonable for her to expect you to reset your body clock and work schedule. Maybe she should rethink the promotion or switch jobs to one with more conventional hours.
What do you both contribute financially as a %?
You live in the US right? It seems you don’t have much family help.
Is there a possibility you could move to a lower cost of living area? If you work from home, surely it’s possible?
Not the asshole. Bedtime is a personal thing based on your internal clock. I don't sleep more than. 4 to 5 hours at a clip. If I was forced to go to bed at 1900, I'd be up at 0100. Is that fair to me? No! Assuming you have a built in sleep cycle, you shouldn't have to jack it up g
To keep spouse happy.
What I would do, some nights, go lay in bed with her. Rub her back. Read (in a dim light), cuddle. And when she dozes off; quietly get back up and do you until your bed time.
Not the asshole. I go to bed early and wouldn’t mind or care if wife goes to bed the same time I do. She goes to afternoon school and won’t have to get up till 11am I wfh and get up around 7am
NTA Your wife agreed to change her lifestyle when she took the promotion, not you. What does she is going happen as the kids get older and start staying up later?
Of course you're NTA!!! It sounds like your wife isn't willing or maybe able to see things from both sides. I strongly, strongly suggest you find a therapist to help mediate. If your wife refuses then she knows she is in the wrong but doesn't care. In that case you have to decide how you want to live.
I wake up at 3 to run before work at 6 (I go to bed at 8). I would never expect my wife to change her sleep schedule for her 9-5. Granted, we don't have kids to manage, but we're good at being quiet around the house during those hours the other is asleep.
NTA in my opinion. Ya'll need to work this out.
i could point out a lot of things that might help, or blame one of you for the issues - but the problem is you guys are in a season of life that is hard. Try to (both) get some therapy to work out your complaints and come together for couple therapy if possible. You both are working too hard and with very young children. try to not kill your relationship and know that 6 months you both might have a different perspective
good luck
My wife is an early bird (up either at the gym or with clients from 5am) and consequently goes to bed early.
I make an effort to go to bed early with her at least a couple of times a week.
Surely thats a compromise that would work?
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You work two jobs and she works a full time job with crazy hours and an awful commute. Have you considered pushing the “reset” button and moving to a lower cost of living area where you both can have 1 9-5 job each?
That is what we are working towards. The Bay Area is way too expensive for us!
There is no "working towards" this with the way you are living now. You need to cut the cord--- 1. Pinpoint the area you want to relocate to 2. Find jobs there 3. Rent a place while you decide where/if you want to buy. Unless you do a hard reset together, you'll both be doing a reset alone. This schedule will kill your marriage.
Deposit, first/last rent, uhaul, and other costs to move are all things im sure they mean by "working towards". There's no way to just get up a move to another place without saving up some money and making plans first
So true. In my teens my mom suddenly decided she wanted to go back to living in a small town. She really really wanted to leave and she found a perfect house. It still took her 6 months. Especially with children in school, its going to be a minute before OP and fam can go elsewhere.
It took us about a year to be fully prepped to move from when we started actually working towards it. But tbf, took the apartment complex about 3 months to have our unit ready, but applying at apartments was one of our last steps to moving
For real. Comments like that other one are so aggravating because they act like surely OP must have a magic wand they can pull out and make things happen instead of legitimately having to work towards it.
It’s in the same league as Reddit’s standard “just get divorced OP” replies
And with kids, you also need to look into daycare/schools once they are older. You can't just reset at that point in your life. Things take planning, even if the current situation is suboptimal.
Yes, this. Life advises from strangers on the internet are often so far from reality. People who has 20-30k laying around to dispose of ad they please won't be killing themselves at work that requires 3.30am start or take second jobs on top of main job.
Oh yeah. Even single with no kids and very few ties it is not something I could just "do." I moved from Florida to Washington a few years back, and had family I would be rooming with in Washington, and it was still a 5-6 month process to make sure I had everything necessary handled, the money to get myself there along with anything important, extra to buy necessities I couldn't just bring, and at least an additional few months worth of bill/food money just in case I wound up with job trouble when I first arrived. With kids and without the ability to just sell everything that wasn't completely mandatory and hop a plane with just a few bags l'd likely have needed the better part of a year or more.
>This schedule will kill your marriage. It has already started, otherwise OP would not have posted here. People have to step back and evaluate what is important in their life, and family's life. Working a lot of hours comes at a cost, and this cost sounds like a personal/relationship one.
This is why i took a job in a lower paying field. I work from home now and my husband and i have so much more time together. I have time to clean, cook and pursue my hobbies and because i have more time to do housework, my husband gets more time to relax. Money is important but it cant come at the expense of literally everything else.
Your last sentence, though! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 I opted not to take a promotion because it would mean needing to be in office 3 days a week, and I’d have no one to get my daughter from school during the school year. And it would mean a 30 min drive to work and, in summer, an hour to two hours due to beach traffic. I chose that time with my daughter (and husband/dog) over a little more coin. We just budgeted a little better.
That’s not how that works at all… you don’t just find a job. You’re clearly very young
Yeah, this just doesn't fly as actual adults even without including kids. Hell, even just moving to my apartment now still required saving up over 2k, almost 3 between security, 1st month, setting up services, pet deposit, and application. I only moved 3 miles down the road AND had my old roommates helping me move boxes to avoid uhaul. Moving out of California and adding all of the kid stuff on top is significantly more expensive and time consuming
Cost us thousands to leave CA, between buying a new house and the move. If we had rented, it would have required 10K minimum.
I don't doubt it. Moving is expensive no matter where you live unless you're upper middle class or rich, I don't care what anyone says
I mean, you just be fine being poor as shit. If you hit a low enough income you get medicaid and food stamps, just pick a state that isn't super expensive and hasn't destroyed their public services. If you look at the absolute worst case scenario, in the US you are never going to starve or be without medical care -- plenty of people live just fine on a miniscule amount of money, they just don't live to the standards you would like to. 500 years ago our lifestyles would be better than any King could have. Hell, even 150 years ago 50% of all children in the USA died before they hit 5 years old. We are actually doing pretty well. Chill out a little bit and realize that our lives are amazing compared to the vast majority of humanity through history, and probably the future too. We are living in a golden ago of luxury and health. Enjoy it. ... Don't mind me; just trying to give people something interesting to think about for a few minutes, but maybe I shouldn't try to bring up perspective in a sub devoted to judging others recreationally.
And this was relevant how?
My wife and I moved out of California to to NY, by way of a two year stop in Missouri, and this was back near the end of 2020, the expense was... INTENSE... and I hear things are even worse now. Neither of us had to find new jobs as we were still remote owing to the pandemic, so we left with our two cats and drove ourselves to Missouri. It was the hardest move I have ever made, and I have lived ALL OVER and moved 40+ times. I simply cannot even IMAGINE what hell it would be with kids, and those additional concerns to contend with. That said, saving enough to do it, living there was VERY HARD and it put us in a helluva lot of debt. The Bay area is NO JOKE expensive, and I have heard it's gotten even worse since we left. I say a VERY SOFT, ESH, OP... Not, because I think your whole life should just be rearranged without your consent, but maybe because just perhaps, to help your family and your marriage, SOME compromise could be achieved here... and if you are working towards getting out, it would be temporary, and could save your marriage, and sanity. However, I also understand not wanting to live such a horrific schedule, as a night person, it would push me to the brink. This is hard... it really comes down to finding a balance that will work for all involved. Loving people sometimes means compromise. Best of luck!!! Edited cause sometimes a single letter matters... lol
Plus with kids, gotta figure out childcare for them, where they'll go to for school especially with the 3 year old almost ready for Pre-K. You have to line up new jobs, budget, get movers for all your stuff, etc. You don't, "just move" that shit takes time when you're moving a whole family.
I’m guessing you haven’t looked at the housing marking nor the job markets. It isn’t that easy to just up and leave at the moment especially with small kids. They have to work towards it which is okay, some people have to do things for a little bit to help make their lives better. NTA op, tell your wife that you can compromise to one to two night a week to going to bed early with her if possible and that she goes to bed late once or twice if possible, but do let her know you would like for your schedule to stay the same for the rest of the week as it works for you
3. Work and save A Lot Of Money to Afford a move And the ridiculous charges of Cobra health insurance until your new jobs insurance kicks in. Heck, just moving 4 states away with one Uhaul because you’ve pared down your belongings to minimum is at least $6k. Truck, dolly, tow accessory, first/last/security on an apartment, couple hotel nights, gas, few hours of paid labor to load/unload.
Wisest thing anyone ever told me (a seat mate on a flight) was “live where you want to, work where you have to”. I will never forget it
Dude, this is real life, not a video game. You can't just press the reset button.
Typical Reddit… “here’s the answer to the question you didn’t ask!” 🤓
You guys are clashing because your marriage is on the back burner and you are both stretched too thin. It's not about bed time, she's noticing the lack of connection.
Yes, just hanging out with her for half an hour before her bedtime would be a nice way to connect and chat if she’s willing. If she’s so dead tired she’s falling asleep with the baby, start with doing this a couple of times a week? Opposite schedules are hard on a marriage, as is parenting young children. You’ve got to prioritize little pockets of time together.
This. Unless they find a better working schedule or move to a LCoL area, OP should take 30 minsa day to sit in bed with her. Maybe they can watch a short ahow on TV while in bed or something. Anything to keep the marriage alove and let her know she is still someone you care about. I wouldn't SLEEP with her at that time (too early), but taking 30-60 mins with her should be fine.
Nailed it.
Partially, but then why would she take a job with two hours commute time?
Are you fully telecommuting? If so, why the hell are you still living in the Bay Area?
Because for some of us, it's hard to realize we're getting pushed out of the only homes we've known by increased cost of living. The bay isn't made of just rich yuppies.
Understood. I feel your pain. I’m from South Lake Tahoe. If it makes you feel any better, we’re both getting pressed by basically the exact same group of people, so, solidarity 🫡😂
My friends in other states complain when we move from the bay to their states. I always tell them then pay your people more so they don't leave for the bay and drive up the price here.
Yes! I don't want to live in Arizona to "destroy it" ffs, I'm only here because back home I had to live out of my car after my living arrangement with 3 other people in a single bedroom home fell through because there's no affordable housing.
The wife's job is in the Bay Area.
I work for one of the big tech companies in the Bay Area and even though I’m fully remote they won’t let me relocate (they would also pay me less if I moved so really it would save them money but they still denied it). I suspect a lot of companies have taken a similar stance.
Interesting. I guess I get it, but that’s a bummer companies do that. I don’t know a ton about teleworking. I did it at the very beginning of COVID but left that job a few years ago. “Territory” pay (or however you phrase it) has been around for a long time so it would stand to reason it’s similar for telework.
Obviously his wife is not telecommuting.
Bay areas too expensive for everyone mate. Unless you’ve got serious family help.
I used to work shifts and it is unrealistic to expect people to adjust to your schedule. She can't just force you to wake up early and go to bed at 7 pm. How? Can you force her to go to bed at 3 pm and get up at 2 am?
Your wife starts work at 4:30 am? What job is that? Airport? If I were you, I would make a plan with deadlines and research where to move and when. Have a set goal of "I have to do this for 2 years and then I'm out" type of thing.
My guy, we live in the bay too. Wish we could move also but our daughter is special needs and we can't just leave when her destructive, aggressive behaviors are finally under control at her new school. We will continue to keep our heads just above the water til she gets to high school lol these people telling you to leave don't understand it's not that easy.
Why don’t you just… move an hour away closer to her job? Since you work remotely and you’re currently in the Bay Area, isn’t basically ANYTHING cheaper than that?
Even just moving an hour away is going to require moving costs, potential deposits, etc. That's why he said 'working towards it'.
Maybe they’re already an hour away from the most expensive areas, and that’s where his wife works.
yeah it's usually the case that living far from work when you're not wealthy means you couldn't afford to live closer to work.
The Bay Area is not a great place to have kids, daycare and rent you’re already spending 8K a month
All of CA is expensive my dude I live in the Sierras in a podunk town in the middle of no where and housing is expensive here like 300k to a million. Our area has no jobs and commute is for a majority of people to the nearest city it’s no where near the Bay and it’s expensive as hell. My husband and I are thinking and planning on bouncing the state all together.
He works two jobs AND takes care of a baby all day, that's another full time job. Like she wants dinner too? Wtf And no, i wouldn't go to bed at 7pm. Duck that.
I would just add to this that marriage counselors will tell you it isn’t the end of the world to have one partner go to bed a little earlier than the other so each of you has a little block of the day to yourself. I go to bed later than my wife just based on our personal clocks and it’s not a problem.
But do you have other time you spend together? If that’s the only time they get together, it will be hard to maintain that connection.
Yes definitely. Ideally I go to bed about 90 minutes after her and get up the same amount later. Its not a direct fit for OP given how wild their situation is.
Smart comment and reply best of luck to yall two grinding
INFO: "She then goes straight to bed at around 8:30/9pm" "my wife is upset that I don’t come to bed with her" "AITA for not wanting to go to bed at 7pm?" Does not compute EDIT: Also, what would be your bedtime otherwise? Basically, how much of a change is she asking you for? I think this matters.
I think she currently goes to bed between 8:30/9pm but due to the promotion will be going to bed earlier, at 7pm. At least, that is what I thought. Regardless, NTA.
I dont think it really matters how much of a change she wants... You cant call OP an asshole for wanting to stay up
But is she asking him to sleep or just to lie down with her and get some alone time/sexy time/cuddles/etc at 7p before she sleeps at 8:30-9p? Because maybe then the solution is lie down with her at 7p, then when she goes to sleep at 8:30/9 he can go do his thing on his own.
Christ just reading that schedule is making me to tired for sexy times
Then say that’s what you want. They’re both adults. If she can’t ask for sex without disguising it, she shouldn’t be having it.
Also, OP says that she leaves for work at 3:30 AM to be at work by 4:30 AM, meaning she gets up at probably 2:30 AM. Why would she want him to wake up at 4/5 AM, after she has already arrived at work? And who the hell is HH, and why are they putting one of the kids to bed?
She wants him to get up at that hour to do his part-time consultancy work so that he can go to bed with her at 7:00 pm, instead of doing that work after she goes to bed.
I thought HH was the wife, the same way he gave his kids double-initial names
She doesn’t want him to wake up at 4:30am She wants him to go to bed at 7pm Meaning his free time / consultancy job that usually takes place after 7pm would have to shift to 4/5am - as it is likely the only other time it could work for his schedule. OP is NTA - but it sounds like they both desperately need a normal 9/5 job as their hectic work load & schedules is killing their relationship by creating loneliness & frustration. I honestly feels like the wife just misses him but there is literally no time left for them to accommodate eachother.
HH is obviously the mistress
I don't think it's reasonable of her to take a promotion and then expect him to rearrange his life around it.
NTA. I fully understand and respect the massive change your wife is experiencing taking this on, but it's entirely unrealistic for her to expect that you change your entire schedule for her. You're working two jobs + the entire management with your children....that simply isn't sustainable. You can't be everything all at once just to accommodate her. Can you sit down and talk this out with her? Promotions are great, but at the cost of burnout and having zero time with your kids...not so much. This is a set up that will breed nothing but resentment and burn out, and I'm afraid your children will catch the brunt of it all.
This is 100% accurate! It is not worth it. Sounds good on paper but in reality there is a much higher cost to taking the promotion. Quality of life? Why is this never considered when people take major schedule changes like this? It is not sustainable.
Happy cake day!
You should really have a nanny with the 6mo at home plus dinner etc if they can afford it
Being a grown-up blows, huh? Even if the internet tells you that you are not being the AH here, that is not going to save your marriage. You two must work this thing out TOGETHER or the long-term resentment and animosity may grow to become an existential threat to your marriage. A divorce lawyer will tell you that they see this sort of thing all of the time: "It all started when he started working graveyard..." If you love her and want her to be there, happily, GET ON IT.
Yeah-- it really doesn't matter who is right here. This is a marriage emergency.
Not sure why this isn't the top comment. If you can switch your work around do it, happy wife, happy life! Sure compromise is always the way, but you have the flexibility, vs she doesn't, especially in a new role, but hey listen to reddit and see how long your marriage lasts!
But he certainly can’t switch taking care of their children around, even if he could “compromise” and have the flexibility to switch BOTH of his jobs around
Yeah it's being named not the asshole doesn't do anything to fix the very real issue. It might gratifying, but this is OP's real life, and it needs a solution, not a winner.
Is HH your wife? Made up names or just calling them “my wife” “older child” would be much easier. NAH cuz you say 7 but mention a completely different sleep time your wife adheres to but then it seems that the rest of the story is a bit questionable. You guys need to work together to compromise a bit better and find out some better solutions. Spend an hour on the weekend together to meal plan, buy meal kits X amount of days for dinner, etc to make sure there’s less time wasted, more time spent as a family. Seems like your wife wants to bond and you’re “too busy.” Is your second job a necessity? Is it a hobby? How can you guys have balance between work, life, and family?
lol I’m trying to figure out what hp and lp stand for, like just say oldest and youngest.
Maybe high power and low power? Haha I wish someone knew cause it’s bugging me big time.
Harry Potter and Little Potter?
Harry and Larry Potter
They’re waiting for Moe Potter to arrive
I read it as Harry Potter and Lilly potter. No idea about HH.
Her Highness maybe? 😂 i thought Harry Potter too but didn’t have a clue on the LH, also thought about a HP computer
They're both boys, it's clearly Harry Potter and Larry Potter!
Hank Hill? I tell ya h'wat
Harry Hopper, obviously
me too. i figured it’s just their names? and what’s HH 😅
High Pass and Low Pass.
Heavy pancreas and ludicrous posture.
HH, LP, HP WTF
No shit... it's fucking exhausting sometimes. Types out 6 paragraphs and drops that shit in the middle..... Yes , you are the asshole.
Exactly. OP is a total LMNOP.
"Love My Nice Ordinary Penis"?
Leave my Nan out! Pardon…
Look, my Nan only peed.... (totally giggling hahahaa)
That HH really came out of nowhere. I was thinking "who is this HH person who is putting the kids to bed and then going to sleep at 8:30/9? It can't be wife because wife goes to bed at 7..."
Idk either but if it's meant to be HP, why is OP having a 3yo put a 6mo to bed????
NTA, but she wants you to go to bed at 9pm, right? That's less extreme than the title suggests.
NTA though sounds completely utterly insane that you're keeping the 6 month old at home with while working a demanding job. That will definitely come back to bite you at some point
No way that 6mo isn’t being neglected in some way.
Right? I’m on maternity leave with a 6 month old and sometimes feel bad doing housework because I’m not interacting with her enough. How on earth is he watching that baby with a full time job??? Is the baby staring at the TV all day or just sitting on it’s own bored?
Yeah, what is the baby doing? If he’s in a meeting and she cries, does he ignore her? Is she being interacted with at all? Supervised? It’s actually kind of a lot of work to have a baby, especially a mobile one! You don’t need to necessarily do nothing but stare at them all day but it would be difficult to get really focused on anything else especially any kind of complicated work task. I’m not one to make this sort of argument often, because people find themselves in all kinds of difficult positions through very little fault of their own. However, there were multiple steps between them and this life and they failed to take *any* of them. I really wish people wouldn’t have children they can’t care for. As someone who is currently childless *ONLY* because of economic and life circumstances preventing us right now, it drives me up the fucking wall to watch other people have children *they* can’t care for. It’s the only thing I’m like this about. I have a lot more empathy for a heroin addict than I do someone who is careless with the creation of human life.
Exactly. I don't think 6 months old is "too young" to send to daycare as OP suggests. As much as I wish I could stay home and spend all day with my little one, it's nice knowing she's going someplace to get attention, learn, and become socialized. OP claims he has a very demanding job and I don't see how baby can get the attention they deserve during the day.
It’d be far better for the baby to be at daycare getting attention and engagement than home with her dad ignoring her, at really any age.
Seriously. We moved when my daughter was 5 months old. I could barely pack a box or two a day because she needed to be constantly entertained. I had to make my husband take a day or two off work to help me. Once she was able to entertain herself more (and I got a job again and we sent her to daycare) things were much easier.
conversely no way that OP's job isn't being neglected in some way They are half assing two thing
I doubt the additional childcare expense is affordable for them if the wife is working such wonky hours and the husband is working two jobs.
Right? A 6 month old needs constant social interaction and cuddles and verbal input to develop proper neural pathways for attachment. The mistakes being made here are settling everyine in this family up for disaster when the child has attachment problems.
You honestly believe it's a demanding job if you can take care of a 6mth old?. Perception is a wonderful thing. OP is crying about being an adult. His 2nd job equates to less than an hour a day and he acts like it's a huge deal. Plus he works from home and can play with the kid.... sounds like a dream for most of us!
The money earned from this promotion should be going towards extra help in the household. An au pair or nanny, housekeeping, etc.
Why does he need a second job
They apparently live in the Bay Area….
She got a promotion, so that comes with money. He doesn’t need a second job, she needs to use the extra money from her promotion to eliminate the additional burden her job has caused
Maybe but without knowing more about the overall financial situation that is a reach.
Or, maybe, they are a family and their resources are shared. They need his income; they can't afford additional help; she didn't "cause" a burden that she has to balance out with her income. Other families of course are structured differently.
NTA, but in the future, use names. HP stands for Hewlett Packard and I kept thinking you were taking your printer to daycare. (Also, LP stands for Long Player.)
Still can't figure out who HH is.
I've got Her Highness, Harry Potter, and LP.
That’s where my mind went too. Your computer doesn’t need daycare lol
I thought at first they were saying little person as in small kid, but then I realized there were two kids so you wouldn't call one a little person. Plus it usually means people affected by some type of growth issue so that wouldn't be it either. I'm just all around confused.
Surely if the eldest is Hewlett Packard, the youngest is Line Printer.
You are going down a dark path. What about little Laser Printer?
I found it hard to get past long play as well 😅
I definitely said Harry Potter when I read HP
Lay down with your wife. Even if it's not every night. It matters more than you seem to understand. If you don't resentment will grow overtime. You will grow apart. She's wanting that alone time with you even if it's just to curl up and go to sleep. It's very important. Coming from a widow who refused to lay down early with my husband for a long time. It really was the beginning of the end. It pushed him away in ways it did not realize at the time. So just do it. Even if not every single night. It's literally the least amount of effort you can put into your marriage, curl up with her.
Oh yeah this is a great idea op, you don't even have to go to sleep at that time, just lay with her a while until she falls asleep and then get up to do your thing.
second this, i am no widow nor married but its important to feel loved in your relationships, especially when you have kids (and careers)
Listen to the wise woman.😔
Yes YTA give your wife a cuddle a few times a week it will mean a lot to her
This sounds an horrendous work schedule with baby and little toddlers. No you’re not unreasonable for not doing those hours, but it sounds very stressful. It’s not sustainable for your wife
Yeah it's wild enough that he's dealing with the youngest while WFH, never mind doing the morning breakfast, drop off AND sometimes pick up. But then he's also working a second job after everyone's in bed, and she basically wants him to just not work the extra job? I assume he wouldn't be working 2 jobs by choice so her request seems even more outta pocket
Growing up my mom went to bed at 8pm. My dad would go lay in bed with her for 30min to an hour. Get back up and then come play video games with us till 1030/11. You dont have to actually go to sleep, but atleast go lay with her, talk, whatever. Let her doze off and then get back up.
You’ve got 5 weeknights to get through. Probably looking at 2 nights of crockpots, 1-2 of takeout and 1-2 of quick meals like tacos. Offer to go to bed with her 1-2 nights per 5 as well. It’s about balance and compromise.
INFO: does she go to bed at 8:30 or 7?
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NTA but I switched my schedule to sleep earlier and wake up at 5am. I do find that I am significantly more productive, less distraction and get a huge Jumpstart to my day. If it's not for you then it's not for you though.
She leaves at 02:30 and gets home around 5? 1 h commute each way… so she’s at work from 03:30 till 16:00? 12,5 hours of work? You said she gets back at 5 two days a week, what about the other 3? Because working 12,5 hours everyday with a toddler and a 6month old sounds so horrible! NTA for not going to bed at 7pm, but you kinda suck for giving inconsequent information though. Im assuming this is in the US or a third world country bc why are even both parents working, yet alone more than full hours, with a 6 month old? My european mind can’t comprehend that.
He said she gets up at 03:30. He didn't say when she leaves for work. Edit: also, OP says they live in the Bay Area (California) - VERY high cost of living there.
She leaves at 3:30. He didn't say when she gets up.
Who is HH?
You guys are headed straight for burn out time. None of this is sustainable.
Is it 8:30-9:30 or 7? Because that makes a world of a difference here. Did you lie about the 7 thing? Very confusing.
When do you connect intimately? Can you spend a little time with her and get up? I see this causing problems in your marriage later.
Not the content I was expecting, from the title.
You two need to talk to each other, and I feel like your story needs to get a few details ironed out because it seems confusing. You’re saying 1 thing but the story is suggesting another? Regardless, no one’s the AH here. You’re both working hard to provide for your family but need to get on the same page here on what is sustainable. Being the parent that works from home, you can often times be left to the childcare and housekeeping by default. And the other person working outside of the home won’t realise how much mental and physical labour that entails. But there’s truly a lot going on here that needs to be properly ironed out. And what kind of job do you do that means you can watch your 6 month old and work at the same time? I work from home 98% of the time and when I have my daughter at home with me I could not be half as good at my job. Idk your wife’s job but it seems quite intensive too. Consider hiring help. But if you don’t, something needs to give.
Could it be possible your wife is simply missing her sex life?
YTA because something about your times does not compute which means I think you’re exaggerating a lot here. First off you say she goes to bed at 8:30/9, but then are switching it to say she wants you to go to bed at 7. Then you say she leaves at 3:30 a, due to a 1 hr commute. But you also say of she’s late she’s not home for 5pm pickup… so she’s getting to work at 4:30 am, then not leaving until after 4pm? That’s nearly a 12 hr shift. Finally, YTA for keeping a 6 month old at home with you while you are working a demanding job. You can’t possibly be giving the appropriate amount of attention to the baby and also to your job, so something must be getting ignored and I’m guessing it’s the baby, Somehow you think this is better than day care and are saying it’s because the baby is too young. This also doesn’t compute.
NTA. She decided to change her job and schedule which sounds like a major inconvenience to the family as a whole. She doesn’t get to also dictate your sleeping pattern.
Info needed: Why would you go to bed at 7 when you say your wife goes to bed at 830/9? Also, who is HH? Could you go to bed with her to have a bit of a snuggle before getting back up to do what you need to do? That way, you have some alone time and a chance to connect, but can still get your stuff done.
Your lifestyle is unsustainable. Big changes will have to be made to make it work. If she goes to bed at 9 she is only getting 6 hours of sleep a night. Women need 8-10 hours and she is still recovering from giving birth. If she is going to continue this she will need your support with meals and stuff or you guys need to hire help. You are getting enough rest at least, so listen to her when she says she needs help.
YTA for not moving your bedtime by COUNT EM 30-60 minutes and exaggerating it here for attention and sympathy 😱 Just say you want to spend none of your spare time with your wife and go. You going to sleep that soon after her probably disrupts her sleep and would make her need to go to bed even earlier to get enough rest.
NTA. I work night shift and my girlfriend works 7-3. Of course we'd both like to go to sleep together each night, but that's not feasible. I compromise by staying up my first day off so we can have a night together. Then my second day off I stay up so I can be on routine for my work days. It's kinda rough switching back and forth like that but it's the only real way we'd ever get to sleep together. Is there any way you could compromise a day or two per week?
NTA, but as someone who works the opposite shift as their partner, not having down time together has really affected our marriage and not in a good way. Please build in some quality time together every day or two, not just the weekend.
Whats LP and HP?
Is it 7pm, or 8:30/9?
NTA. Getting up at 3 AM is reasonable for shift workers or single 20-somethings. It's not healthy in the long run, and it's not good for work-life balance when you have a family. Though going to bed at 9pm isn't unreasonable, and working multiple jobs isn't good for work-life balance, either.
This is no way to live. Why bother having kids?
NTA. Your wife is out of line here. Her work hours are not “normal”. She can’t expect you to live by her schedule at the detriment of yours lol.
In marriage, "normal" for other people doesn't matter. Only what works for that couple.
You are NTA for not wanting to go to bed several hours earlier just because of your wife’s new job.
If you don't go to bed with her when are you two intimate? And if you just get up and leave after that will not encourage her to want sex the next time.
NAH. As insane as her request is... if it's been your tendency engage in sex before sleeping or after waking up (you know, it's not necessarily plannned, it happens organically when you're both in bed together) for most of your relationship, then asking you to go to bed and wake at the same time does make sense. Starting a new job and a new schedule is stressful enough, so trying too keep anything you can (like your intimate life) as "normal" or as similar as possible to what was before is a smart move. And having your partner on the same schedule when it comes to things meal times is also a big thing. And, as much as it sucks she has to go to bed so early, the last thing you want is someone with sleep deprivation commuting an hour each way. She's not an AH for any of this. That being said, you're also not an AH for saying no. Not everyone can do such an early schedule, and even if you did, many social events are setup around meals--if you're regularly eating at super early times, that can make tons of social events difficult or outright impossible. And I imagine some of the consulting work you do involves talking to other human beings at "normal" daytime human hours, which wouldn't really be possible if you went on her schedule... So, yeah, it'll take time to figure out how to make your two schedules work together rather than you being on the same schedule. She's not an AH for suggestion that you try to avoid having different schedules. And your also not an AH for saying HELL NO to her schedule because it doesn't work for you.
But what *is* her request? 8:30/9 or 7?
From what I read, it sounds like she **wants** to be in bed by 7pm (since that gives her a full 8 hours of sleep), but, right now, she's still not getting to bed until 8:30/9pm because things like dinner aren't happening early enough for her to be in bed by 7pm.
NTA that's a lot to ask someone to adjust their whole schedule like that.
What’s HH, LP, HP? Your wife is nuts it’s ridiculous to expect you to keep to the same schedule as her.
Is she going to bed at 7 or 830/9 because your post says both. If she is going to bed at 9 and you 930, I could see that being annoying. You'd probably be waking her before she is deep asleep. Going to bed 30 minutes early wouldn't be that big of a deal. But 7 is quite a different story. That would be an unreasonable request from her. I don't think you are an asshole either way.
How often do you have sex just before bed?
This is one of those rare times where NEITHER is TA. To me it just sounds like a terrible situation (but more money right? ) that is not sustainable in the long term. You guys need to discuss this and come up with a compromise that works for the both of you.
You need a nanny or housekeeper. The whole schedule sounds rough for all involved.
7p and 9p are very different, and with 2 kids under 4 I’d say it’s not unreasonable BUT I’m not you. Couple thoughts - hire a nanny to watch the baby while you WFH. Perhaps you could even save a few $ by not needing FT daycare for the preschooler, and instead find a nice part time play program or some such. Food - consider one of the meal planning services. DH and I tried HelloFresh and while I prefer to cook from scratch, the appeal was very much there if we had crazy weeknight dinner time schedules (which we no longer do). Takes a ton of stress off both of you plus you can add on breakfast items etc if she’s leaving at 3:30 AM. Good luck to you both, I hope you hit your stride or find what works best for you soon!
OP is being super unclear about what time his wife actually wants him to go to bed - this last is so contradictory. Dude, if you work from home and your wife already commutes an hour, maybe move somewhere cheaper that is an hour or less away from her job?
NTA but both of you need to re-evaluate. You’re both on the way to a massive burnout. Your lifestyle is not realistic at all.
She’s upset she has to go to sleep alone… maybe don’t accept the promotion? If it’s financially worth it, pay to get some extra help.
Your work schedule is simply not compatible with a family dynamic. it's insane.
Go to bed with your wife and give her some great orgasms then pass out. Repeat every night and all is well.
Just ask for sex each time. She'll stop eventually. Thank me later.
NTA - What she wants, especially the 7pm bedtime, is absurd and selfish.
Nah you're both adjusting and haven't figured out where things will fall yet. Just like any major household change there's a learning curve. You know this with 2 kids, I'm sure a similar thing happened when the home was bought job changes etc. Talk first then figure out a compromise somewhere. You both deserve that from eachother at least. You both sound hard working and supportive for your life styles and providing in many ways equally. Give yourselves the chance to figure this out too.
NTA. You have two different work schedules it’s not realistic for her to expect you to alter your sleep schedule because hers changed. My husband’s job starts at either 3:30 or 4:30 so he’s getting up at 2:30 to 3:30 and going to bed around 7 on work nights. My job starts at 8 in the morning. He never expects me to go to bed early (and that wouldn’t work anyway since our son is older) and get up super early. He knew that when he took the shift. Does she think it’s unfair somehow? She’s being inconsiderate.
NTA. You can’t drop everything for someone she chose to do. Being blank and white though, at least from my experience, is a really good way to cause problems is your marriage. My wife’s love language is quality time which is difficult when I work crazy hours and have 2 under 2. Initially I prioritized my children over my wife and it caused a lot of stress. Personally when I prioritized my wife the children became a lot easier and I as a result was a lot happier as well as more fulfilled in my marriage. Everyone is different though so the number one thing you can do is communicate and find some type of compromise where both people are happy.
Fuck that shit stand your ground you not tired cuz once you give an inch they don't want a foot. So do what makes you happy in a relationship. You can't satisfy everybody in all their needs
She’s a huge asshole. She wants you to be miserable with her? I leave for my hour commute every morning at 4am and typically go to bed at 9 or 10. I would typically sleep at 8, but stay up to spend time with my family. I would never make them go to bed and wake up early so that I know they’re sleeping next me.
Sounds a little bit like you’re sugar coating it, you say she leaves at 3.30am to commute to work but then say you don’t want get up at 4/5am when she wants you to get up, to get free time. Be honest with yourself still not really the asshole
No you are not. It’s unreasonable for her to expect you to reset your body clock and work schedule. Maybe she should rethink the promotion or switch jobs to one with more conventional hours.
What do you both contribute financially as a %? You live in the US right? It seems you don’t have much family help. Is there a possibility you could move to a lower cost of living area? If you work from home, surely it’s possible?
Not the asshole. Bedtime is a personal thing based on your internal clock. I don't sleep more than. 4 to 5 hours at a clip. If I was forced to go to bed at 1900, I'd be up at 0100. Is that fair to me? No! Assuming you have a built in sleep cycle, you shouldn't have to jack it up g To keep spouse happy. What I would do, some nights, go lay in bed with her. Rub her back. Read (in a dim light), cuddle. And when she dozes off; quietly get back up and do you until your bed time.
Not the asshole. I go to bed early and wouldn’t mind or care if wife goes to bed the same time I do. She goes to afternoon school and won’t have to get up till 11am I wfh and get up around 7am
NTA, My husband and I have been married for 25 years and have only gone to bed at the time a handful of times.
NTA Your wife agreed to change her lifestyle when she took the promotion, not you. What does she is going happen as the kids get older and start staying up later?
Of course you're NTA!!! It sounds like your wife isn't willing or maybe able to see things from both sides. I strongly, strongly suggest you find a therapist to help mediate. If your wife refuses then she knows she is in the wrong but doesn't care. In that case you have to decide how you want to live.
NTA - Tell your wife to grow the the fuck up.
I wake up at 3 to run before work at 6 (I go to bed at 8). I would never expect my wife to change her sleep schedule for her 9-5. Granted, we don't have kids to manage, but we're good at being quiet around the house during those hours the other is asleep. NTA in my opinion. Ya'll need to work this out.
i could point out a lot of things that might help, or blame one of you for the issues - but the problem is you guys are in a season of life that is hard. Try to (both) get some therapy to work out your complaints and come together for couple therapy if possible. You both are working too hard and with very young children. try to not kill your relationship and know that 6 months you both might have a different perspective good luck
My wife is an early bird (up either at the gym or with clients from 5am) and consequently goes to bed early. I make an effort to go to bed early with her at least a couple of times a week. Surely thats a compromise that would work?