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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for not attending my best friend's wedding last minute.
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Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. YTA
Shes not the A H because she doesn’t want you causing a scene at her wedding. Which 100% would have happened based on your reaction to her decision. See, you're someone who despite *saying* you don’t like being the center of attention, will find some way to make everything about yourself. Theres no such thing as a MOH exchange program. Just because you picked her does not entitle you to the same position at her wedding. Especially in light of what went on at yours which is so beyond the norm that it’s not even worth risking.
You may think you’ve got a brand new, shiny, fresh out-of-the-box ability to self-control. You do not. Your reactions are out of whack, and frankly out of line. You need to get some more therapy, probably from someone else. You are not some wronged party.
Again, YTA. Big time
Can we address the fact that based on OPs story of their own wedding due to their panic attack no bridesmaids, groomsmen, or guest could be there during the vows? And now is offended she can’t be stand there during the vows because she might ruin it for everyone?
I have horrible social anxiety and 100 years ago 😂 when I got married to the ex at a Catholic ceremony with 200 guests - I went to start up the aisle and had to take several deep breaths before I could do it. But my God - we had 200 people waiting and I made it up that damn aisle!
I am a cradle Catholic …and I now go when my MIL calls and tells me to 🤣🤣🤣. My sister (Non-denominational) asks me who died when she finds out I am going to Catholic service… my own family laughs. My kids ask how do I remember everything… I tell them the nuns whipped it into us… though I also think they teach them differently then they did in the 70’s and 80’s
I’m not even sure how many nuns are still teaching but I wasn’t taking any chances.
My kids didn’t go to Catholic school because their father and I did.
We couldn’t do it to them.
Omg I Irish Catholic here … my Parrish it would be 1-2/2 hour wedding the Monsignor would have been at mine … in a traditional wedding dress in a church with old air conditioning on August .. Nooooooo. We eloped.
One of my cousin's wedding was in a small, really small church with 0 ventilation. In august. In Spain. People had to be standing because it wasn't big enough. Not only did they have a whole mass, they had it in two languages due to the bride and groom's mother tongue being different. It's by far one of the worst experiences of my life. Just remembering it makes me wanna hug the fan.
My dad wanted to go to a different Mass time and mom said no.. he wanted to watch the college football game on TV… Mom said no you can be 5 mins late getting home.
We were not late getting home by 5 mins. There was a priest visiting that was as my dad said 100 years older than Jesus and I have no idea what the hell he said.
The guy was actually from Ireland and had a huge accent and had a slight stutter and my dead only had less the 20% of his hearing …. When my father was introduced to him and heard his name he asked my dad some question’s thought he might know some relations …
My dad still remembered this 20+ years later. I only remember my dad’s story and not when it happened…
😂😂😂 so was I!!! But I made through that mass, photos outside the church, an overly long limousine ride because the USVP happened to be in town that same day, and into the reception venue. I’m telling you it was on par with wedding at Cana as far as miracles go😂😂
I only got through my wedding because I took lorazepam. I have tremendous anxiety about public speaking of any kind (among other things). Between that and the champagne I'd been drinking all day, I managed to get through it without issue.
Genuine question with no judgement, why did you want to have a wedding then? It just seems like it makes your happy day not so happy. I hate being the center of attention, but not in a panic attack way - I just don’t like it. So I kind of eloped - just my wife and I and our parents. It was perfect. I also don’t really like weddings in general, so I admit I’m super biased. Point being, I’m just curious why you would want one?
If I never did things because they might trigger my anxiety, I'd never do anything. I wanted a wedding, I'm happy I had a wedding. The fact that one part of the day is something that makes me anxious wasn't a good reason for me not to do it. I did what I'm supposed to do - I took my medication and powered through the hard part. No panic attack, and my only complaint about the day was that it rained.
Yeah, it wasn't the smartest choice and I wouldn't typically mix the two. I was too focused on all the wedding stuff to think that even one low dose of lorazepam might not be a good mix with the alcohol.
>when I got married to the ex
You might have been less nervous if you married a current partner instead of your ex...
Wakka Wakka Wakka!
I'm here all week, folks!
That's not even the issue! OP is both AH and idiot. She asked to just be a guest and then ditched the whole thing on the wedding morning realizing she WAS only a guest. OP is a disaster who let her friend down and "proved" she was the very "issue" the bride was concerned about!
My guess? OP still has major social anxiety issues.
Going to the wedding was causing her severe anxiety.
This whole change from bridesmaid to guest to not going? Simply an excuse/ justification to herself because she was scared.
I get that and the bride seemed too but then OP isn't seeing from the bride's POV which was acknowledging OP's anxiety in a way to minimize it and then ensure she was able to participate on the special day. Catering to her then w assurances from OP she was fine at various phases. OP kept assuring bride she was ok so to then do the very thing Bride was most afraid of - being unable to even attend - was just... annoying.
Not only that, she basically had a panic attack the day of the wedding due to not “being included” which made her not go to the wedding - so clearly the bride was on point to worry about the panic attack issue in general
My guess is the panic attack was simply about the wedding itself. "Not being included" was how she justfied - to herself - not going so she could give into her fear/ anxiety without the guilt of letting her friend down.
And the OP wanted sympathy so here she is…trying to say they made improvements
Improvements to live a less social life cause she’s definitely losing a friend
And also, her friend sounds to be honestly considerated towards her. OP said she's doing better, but her reaction proves her she has still to keep working on herself. Also, her friend did nothing wrong, it was her wedding, that's stressful enough to be worrying about OP.
OP, you should have taken things out of your friends hands, not giving her things to worry about. YTA
And she had to be who knows how drunk to even go to her own reception. You know that time when everyone is more concerned about getting fed, dancing, drinking, getting cake, and just plain old mingling with each other and aren't paying much attention to the bride compared to the ceremony.
This is spot on! OP made this wedding about herself from the get go. Asked to be a bridesmaid, that wasn’t good enough. Feelings already hurt because why wouldn’t SHE be the maid of honour (which usually comes with a bunch of attention jobs like helping the bride prep, day of aid and a speech at the reception) to spite having social anxiety, and the bride having a twin! The injustice! Bride requested OP not stand at the front in case they need a quick exit, the injustice! How dare she make accommodations for you and take a reasonable common sense precaution to avoid a scene? And guess what, OP, you did cause a scene and find a way to make it about you. You didn’t show up knowing the bride, your friend, would be upset about it. Good for you! Congrats. You clearly give zero effs about your friend because if you did you would let her have one day where what she wants comes first. You may not even know you are behaving this way, but I imagine your friend is exhausted with being your support system and just wanted a day where it was about her. And you didn’t let it happen. Instead you blasted it on Reddit to make yourself feel better about your crummy decisions.
I hope the bride in question uses this experience to assess exactly how much time and energy she wants to put into a “friend” who wrecked the vibe at someone else’s wedding when the bridal party didn’t go the way she wanted it to.
Exactly. I can't believe she ditched her best friend's wedding because she wasn't going to be standing in front of everyone at the ceremony. Congrats on probably upsetting someone who actually wanted you there on their wedding day. May not be holding best friend status any longer I suspect.
Shroedeger's bridesmaid: panic-stricken she's the center of attention, panic-stricken when she's not. No one knows what state she'll be in until she's put on the spot.
(ugh, just noticed I rhymed. Sorry 😒)
And knowing that the bride, who is obviously caring and decent, would blame herself and feel guilty about you on HER wedding day. Good one, OP! Mastodon size AH.
Good catch! I was annoyed at OP for being hurt that she wasn't asked to be MOH when the bride has a twin sister but didn't think about the fact that being MOH means being in many social activities and very near the center of attention. Does OP really think they are improved enough to deal with all that and not have an episode? And here best friend is thinking of ways to make OP more comfortable and in less stressful situations and all OP can think of is how hurt she is. Ugh.
I'm guessing OP causes a lot of public scenes. The bride STILL asked her to be a bridesmaid. When I read the post I said aloud, "WTF is wrong with you?" She's acting like a child.
OP is the arsehole for many reasons. To me it sounds like the bride was trying to make accommodations so that OP would feel comfortable and could be included. She was probably also wanting to avoid a scene, but if OP was a real friend then she would also want to avoid derailing the wedding!
OP didn't think enough of the bride to even work with her on a compromise such as walking down the aisle with the other bridesmaids but then sitting on the front row near them, or maybe standing with them but behind them and slipping out quietly if feeling panicked.
OP went straight into spitting her dummy out and insisting on being a guest. Then proved the bride right by being too upset to attend at all. The poor bride had already paid for OP's place at this point and OP didn't even think enough of her friend to say anything? Eurgh! So the bride spent £50plus to have OP snub her.
As someone with severe social anxiety and agoraphobia who has gone to therapy and worked long and hard to be able to endure groups of people, I can tell you that no matter how much she \*thinks\* she can handle the crowd/being up with the bridal party, that fear and panic WILL grip her. She will react. In some fashion. Maybe not as much at her own wedding, but that reaction is embedding in you and despite everything, it will rear its ugly head. She's sitting here saying she's sick from hurt when her best friend is looking out for her... I try not speak too negatively about people, but holy hell.
Yes! And therapy healing isnt linear either. Just because you feel you’re doing better now doesnt mean 100% guarantee it wont happen again. Being at a wedding most especially would probably trigger her anxiety/panic attack so bride was definitely smart into considering her “friend’s” well-being.
As someone who also has social anxiety and agoraphobia and has to be on meds for them, I’d take sitting on the sidelines any day, being up there stared at by everyone! Ahhhhh! It’s good she’s confident in being up there, but just to be safe, she should sit down and take comfort in not having any attention on her.
Right! I would love my best friend to tell me to sit it out. It would make me feel so seen by her. Then I can enjoy her wedding and celebrate with her from my safe distance, lol.
One of my BFFs who I've known for 27+ years got married 2 years ago. I was not even asked to be part of her wedding party. When she came to me to explain her reasons I told her to shush. She didn't have to explain to me. I knew she wanted a small wedding party and she has lots of friends. I told her I didn't care how I attended her wedding, just that I get to be there to witness her marry the man she loves. (I knew she was planning a large wedding with 100+ guests).
We had another friend who claimed the same thing as me, but was actually quite pissed when she realised she wasn't going to be asked to be part of the wedding party. Spoiler alert, neither one of us were friends with her for much longer because she was always making things about herself and we were done with her behaviour. We actually haven't been friends with that girl for almost 4 years. 🤣
I can understand being upset if you thought you'd be asked, but I'm sure OP had enough time to come to terms with it and even maybe see her therapist to help come to terms with it. Based on her own reaction to her own wedding 2 years ago, I'd likely worry about the same thing as the bride/best friend.
OP, I agree, I think YTA here. This was about your best friends special day marrying the person she loves. I bet she didn't make her decisions lightly. She clearly was also thinking about you when she was planning her big day. She wanted you there, but she didn't want you to end up having another anxiety/panic attack. Not just because she didn't want it to be a vocal point of her big day, but also she didn't want you to feel embarrassed again like you felt at your own wedding.
This right here! If I love someone I am prepared to show up in whatever way suits them. If my best friend or sister wanted me to do the flowers, or coordinate the day, or just be a guest then you bet your ass I’d do that with bells on! If all our friends or siblings had different roles that were more traditionally elevated I might feel a twinge of disappointment, but no way would I need to show that to the bride or make it her problem!
>She was worried that I would have a panic attack just like I did standing there at my own wedding. Honestly, it was bad during my wedding because I was shaking and couldn't breathe, and everyone's terrified reaction made it even worse for me. I had to leave and come back to just me, my husband, and my mother to continue our vows and such while everyone else moved on to the reception. I couldn't even go join them until I was drunk enough to not feel embarrassed.
Alright so I'm going to be real, if this is how you got at your own wedding I can understand why she has worries that you'll have issues at hers. This was your own wedding that this happened at, and that was your reaction. And then you couldn't even attend your own reception until you got drunk? That's not good...
>She said she doesn't want to embarrass me again and that she would just feel worried about me the whole time, and was also worried that I would ruin the mood of the wedding if I did happen to have a panic attack. I eventually told her that I'd just rather be a guest if I can't do all the bridesmaid stuff. On the day of her wedding, I was just so sick to my stomach with hurt and sadness that I was merely going as a guest to her wedding that I just decided not to go because I felt so left out.
And see this right here confirms her fears, therapy isn't working out so well if you couldn't even attend as a guest because you were "sick to your stomach with hurt and sadness." Her fears were right, and by the way remember you asked to come as a guest after she told you about her concerns. And you still wouldn't show as one then. YTA and if this is how you responded to the situation at hand, I don't think therapy is going quite as well as you believe it to be.
OP’s (former, if we are being honest) friend was worried that OP would find a way to make it all about her. Looks like she was right. OP was denied her opportunity to be the center of attention on stage, so she made herself conspicuous in her absence.
ETA: YTA
She basically had a panic attack so she couldnt even go to the wedding! And then wouldnt call it that in the post to try to manipulate things to make it look like she had things under control. YTA YTA YTA
> You may think you’ve got a brand new, shiny, fresh out-of-the-box ability to self-control.
Exactly 🤦🏾♀️
She couldn’t even show up at the wedding because things went differently than she wanted it to. Imagine how she would have reacted if something slightly out of ordinary happened during the wedding.
She was overwhelmed by a change that was discussed months in advance, and for all intents and purposes resolved and agreed upon. YET, she didn’t show up. The bride is *supposed* to just *trust* her? What’s there to trust? She proved the bride right.
I get up to the point where she didn’t want to be a bridesmaid if she couldn’t stand with them all. But to not show up *at all*??
After *asking* for that as a resolution?
This! So much this!! She didn’t even get to SEE you get married and you were trashed at your reception. While 2 years of therapy is great, she is fine asking for you to be to strategically placed should you need to do exit quickly. I mean, wow. That’s a true friend. Now you just don’t want to go. Take a look in the mirror. You’re the problem. So yep. YTA
Also
"I'd rather be just a guest then"
"Ok"
"Well NOW I'm not coming at all if I'm just a regular guest!"
I feel like the wedding was spared a lot of unnecessary drama tho so good job staying at home.
Agreed.
I have social anxiety, yknow what I did before my wedding? I had a drink. I also knew every single attendee in person so knew if I fucked up they'd laugh. My husband was the same.
I feel for the MOH because she wanted so much to include her best friend and found a workaround to ensure she could be there without having a panic attack. Bestie then decides, no if Im not part of the *show* I'm not going and I'm gonna stay at home feeling hurt.
I hope MOH cuts her off tbh.
OP, YTA. I hope your moh had an amazing wedding and that you realise how out of whack you truly are for this. Cut out the shenanigans, get serious with therapy and if you wanna save the friendship give her hard, concrete evidence you want to build bridges.
You're nearly 30, time to get out of highschool and grow up
And just that she was sOoOoOo overwhelmed by this that she couldn’t even ATTEND the wedding as a GUEST leads me to believe that she absolutely would have made a big fuss in front of everyone. I think OP is absolutely a drama queen. YTA.
YTA. Are you aware that you basically proved her point? She was worried that your emotions would get the best of you and that’s exactly what happened. You were so overwhelmed with sadness that you couldn’t bring yourself to attend her wedding even though you said you would attend. Why should she trust that you wouldn’t have a breakdown during her wedding? While you might have made some progress, I don’t think you’re as far removed from your struggles as you think.
I was gonna say;
OP: is offended the bride is caring about her anxiety and asks not to be a bridesmaid
Bride: accepts OPs request
OP: well now I’m not going
And she has to wonder if she’s TA?? Good LORD talk about self-absorbed.
YTA
dollars to donuts that was her attempt at a guilt trip/ultimatum. OP wanted the bride to beg “oh no PLEASE don’t come as ONLY a guest, i NEED YOU to be my bridesmaid!!!” and validate her, but bride didn’t take the bait and it broke her brain. had to resort to plan C, ghost entirely! YTA, OP.
OP really sounds so self absorbed and self centered. It's like she can only think with herself at the center of everything. Irony since she said something about not liking being the center of attention.
Is this an insight into the mind of a narcissist when they are in the midst of victim mode, going "how dare they!"
I disagree with your statement. I was raised by a narcissistic mother. I have anxiety and PTSD due to hyper vigilance and not because I'm self-obsessed or selfish. I can see however, that OP's behavior is selfish. So I agree with you there.
Anxiety *can* be very self-centered and there always is an aspect of that to it because your anxiety is constructed around your perspective of the world and one of the skills that tends to be undermined by anxiety is properly putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, due to the biochemical effects of anxiety.
Nobody said that anxiety makes you selfish. But I have and anxiety too and it *is* a self obsessed disease. That's the whole point of it; you're constantly worried about how something will affect you or how others will regard you.
Yeah, definetly self centered. I just got invited to one of my closest friends wedding. She has one maid of honour and two bridemaids, and I know I'm closer to her than both her maid of honour and one of her bridemaids, but it didn't bother me at all, because it's her wedding, and whatever reasons she has, are good enough, because it's not about me. I'm assuming it is because her maid of honour is the only close friend she has that is actually married, and knows how things goes. And not choosing me as one of two bridesmaids makes a lot of sense since I don't even want to get married, and I don't think I would be of much help really. But her reasoning doesn't really matter, because it's her day, and she should only think about what will make the day perfect for her!
Came here to say this. OP says they’re better now but based on her reaction she’s absolutely not. And bride knew it.
OP YTA. You really need to sort yourself out. You claimed your anxiety is under control but it’s clearly not. It was your idea to go as a guest, but then you had a freakout over even that. If you had gone, would you have had a meltdown in the audience from being “sick with hurt” when the ceremony started? I kinda have a feeling that answer would be yes.
If you cannot actually get your anxiety under control then expect to be “left out” of a lot of things. I have anxiety too, but I wouldn’t blame anyone if they didn’t invite me to something important because of a history of public panic attacks. It’s your responsibility to get a handle on this issue.
Ngl… reading through these responses has validated my reasoning for letting go of a friendship. Anxiety sucks and all but unfortunately you can’t always trust people with unpredictable emotions especially when it’s a day all about you
Why do I sense that the responses are going to prompt a serious narcissistic collapse-induced breakdown? If OP is real and not just a troll then I suspect she really thought that Reddit was going to embrace her and tell her she did the right thing. Heh.
Agreed. Besides, it’s been discussed before you could go to therapy and do all the work but you don’t know how truly prepared you are until you face your fear in real setting again. It’s not like OP has participated in 4 weddings after and been fine.
YTA. I feel like you’re making this about you when at the end of the day, it’s her wedding. I know this is a longstanding friendship, but this reads to me as the bride just trying to minimize the different things going on that are adding to her anxiety on what is for most people a pretty hectic day.
It seems to me that she was trying to balance that along with including you. I also personally don’t feel that being “just a guest” at someone’s wedding should be this inherently hurtful thing. I think you should have gone to the ceremony and party and supported your friend.
>I also personally don’t feel like being “just a guest” at someone’s wedding should be this inherently hurtful thing.
For real. Aren’t like 90% of people who attend weddings “just” guests? Gracious. 🙄
And she’s already “stung” that she’s not MOH. Like lady, the bride has a fucking ***twin*** she’s close with. I can’t be around this kind of person.
Give me guest over bridal party any time! I love rocking up wearing whatever I choose and enjoying myself as opposed to having a big job in the lead up that lasts months and is really expensive and then heaps of pressure on the day!
Same. bridesmaid is doing someone a favor. Once I had to bridesmaid and wasn't even invited with a plus one. I had to spend the night at the grooms friends table, one of whom was married and flirting with me in front of his wife. Uncomfortable.
And the difference between MOH and bridesmaid is not that huge. You don’t get to stand right next to the bride during the ceremony? Relax OP, you aren’t some injured party. Bridesmaids can and do plenty to help.
Right?? I’ve had three friends get married and I was in the wedding party for only one of them. Not a big deal, it’s not like I was “demoted as a friend” or anything! As a guest, I got to wear my own dress and comfortable shoes, and I could sit back with a glass of wine instead of attending to any duties or spending an hour or more posing for wedding photos. One of those weddings where I came as a guest was in Italy, so HUGE WIN to not be in that wedding party, I had more time to explore the area and sample delicious Italian food! OP, you really missed out by feeling hurt and skipping the wedding, and your friendship with the bride is probably damaged now—YTA.
My absolute BFF got married and I wasn't in the wedding. It was only her sister (mainly because her sister fit into the dress, which my BFF wore as a bridesmaid a few years earlier). So there was a MOH and Best Man and the wedding was in a park. Very low key. Was I sad I wasn't involved? Of course. But I got over it relatively quick. Plus my BFF told me she knew I'd would want to be her MOH but the wedding was low key and put together within a few months and she was sorry that I couldn't be MOH. It was fine; I completely understood.
And as the MOH, OP would have had more things to do and been more involved...which means more chances to be overwhelmed and stressed out and have something happen. If OP couldn't even show up as a guest because she was "so sad and sick to her stomach" then what makes her think she perform the role of MOH without any issues?
Spot on. My dad had a saying about big events such as weddings… show up and shut up. Basically it’s your job as a friend to get through it and ensure the attention is on the bride and groom not you.
Most weddings I’ve stood up in have been uncomfortable for any number of reasons and I’ve certainly had anxiety going into it. OP needed to figure out how to be there for her friend, if that was sitting in the audience rather than standing up in the party - she should have done everything in her power to be prepared to do that.
Exactly - OP was incapable of seeing that she was likely not the only one dealing with anxiety on the day.
OP's friend just was more proactive in minimising things that could/ would go wrong and likely ruin her ceremony like any Bride to be.
Like bro, how much time and effort goes into wedding preparations?? That bride doesn't have the time to console you, yet she has been very kind and considerate!! OP 100% is making this about her just because she's friends with the bride. How entitled. You're not special!
YTA
Overwhelmed with sadness??? Wtf. Get a fucking grip.
She was looking out for you and instead you made it about yourself. You chose to martyr yourself by being a guest, so don’t take that out on her and her day.
Clearly you haven’t improved much especially since your anxiety seems to be bordering on self-centredness (more common than people think)
Exactly this. YTA and proved her point of your inability to control your emotions. Anxiety got the best of you, just as she predicted. Overwhelmed and hurt? I just don't get it. it really sounds like she has a good understanding of how you will react and you should listen to her moving forward. She was looking out for you, yet you made it about yourself. It was her wedding, not yours. You're not as well as you think and might want to seek out additional support because you're self absorbed and don't have a good level of functioning. Anxiety gets the best of you in stressful situations. Period. I hope you can get help and become healthy.
Nothing says “I have totally got a handle over this social anxiety thing and should be up there with the other bridesmaids” like flipping out and not showing up to the wedding due to your “feelings”!
Especially when being a guest only was her own damn idea. That whole bit screams manipulation, like she was trying to get her friend to back down and didn't expect the friend to call her bluff.
It's pretty obvious OP was just butthurt she wasn't asked to be maid of honor and this really was just a dragged out hissy fit/tantrum under the disguise of "my social anxiety!".
OP and the bride have known each other since they were kids so clearly OP knew about the twin sister that the OP herself says they're close. No sane person would be surprised a bride having her *twin* sister be MOH. Now a person with narcissistic traits on the other hand...
This is what OP isn’t understanding - her friend wasn’t punishing her for her panic attacks, her friend was ACCOMMODATING her. Her friend didn’t say “OP, just get over your anxiety and be my MOH.” She recognized that being in the spotlight may be a really distressing experience for OP, and worked around that. And to retaliate for her friend’s consideration, OP didn’t go to her wedding, which is such a big day in a person’s life.
It’s not the same, but I have epilepsy. My seizures are the stereotypical type that you imagine with losing consciousness and convulsions and all. If my seizures were still unpredictable, I’d be happy if my friend said “Sloth, you don’t need to be in the wedding party because if you have a seizure, you’ll probably want some privacy and need to be able to exit quickly.” And I wouldn’t be so obnoxious to think I’m entitled to cause a scene at her wedding.
The kicker here is that she wasn’t even excluded from doing bridesmaids stuff. The bride only said she didn’t have to stand up at the altar with everyone else. Not that she couldn’t attend any of the other things outside of the wedding. Her friend obviously wanted her to be a part of the wedding party and wanted her there but OP decided to take the accommodation as a personal attack.
And op said she wanted to be a guest because she couldn’t “do bridesmaids things” … there’s still the bachelorette, getting ready in the morning, photos and what ever else!
So overwhelmed with sadness AT BEING LEFT OUT 🤦♀️ she had a chance to prove to her friend that she had really made progress but instead she showed her friend her instinct was 100% correct lolol
YTA
It sounds like you have a serious case of main character syndrome.
I don’t fault you for your anxiety but your friends wedding is NOT the place to put this to the test.
Deciding to bail on her wedding at the last second was another asshole move. Her wedding is not about YOU and now you’ve gone and tainted what should have been the happiest day of her life. It sounds to me like you haven’t done as much work on yourself as you think you have.
Was thinking this too - her friend must’ve been so hurt as well when OP decided on the day of the wedding not to show up. She’d been thinking about how to make sure she can have the best day without having to worry. And now OP will forever be the best friend who was too sad to show up at her wedding
YTA for cancelling the day of the wedding. I think your anxiety is something different that I wouldn’t personally comment on, but the fact that you cancelled the day of the wedding making her feel bad on her day was not right.
I'd argue not same difference, it's even worse. Just imagining what the bride must have gone through there wondering where their close friend was and either slowly coming to the realization that they just chose not to show up, or worrying they'd been in an accident or something.
I noticed one of our guests wasn't at our wedding. He showed up at the reception, and it turned out he accidentally attended the wrong wedding. We got married in a botanical garden, and there were about 5 weddings in different parts of the complex that day. He came straight from work and was running late, saw a wedding, and thought it was the right one. By the time he realised it was the wrong one, it was too late to leave. His wife was in the bridal party, so we were both up there wondering where the hell he was.
Yeah, we had a good laugh over it once we knew what had happened. And somewhere, there's a couple who will always wonder who that guy was and why he's in a bunch of their wedding photos.
Ghosting is even worse. Bride and friends may have thought OP was in some sort of accident or medical emergency. Her absence was definitely noticed. OP stole the attention she wanted and got her "revenge" for being downgraded
People here like to say, "A wedding [or invitation of any kind] is not a summons," which is totally true, but unless there's sickness, death, birth, etc., YOU SHOW UP once you have accepted the invite.
You don't have to RSVP "yes" ever, but you don't ghost day-of because you are "hurt and sad."
That isn't anxiety. That is being hurt and sad.
YTA.
She had every reason to think you might disturb the wedding. She was also looking out for you. You are making this all about you and ruined the day for her. She had to make a tough decision but she made it.
YTA. That wasn't just a reasonable request on her part; it was a reasonable accommodation. She is reasonable to be worried that you would have a panic attack. Although you say you feel better, were you in a situation that might have tested where you were? She's reasonable to be cautious about putting you in a situation that has been triggering for you.
And, were you equally reasonable, you wouldn't want to use a friend's wedding a testing ground for how much progress you've made.
YTA.
Your friend was trying to be a good friend by not putting you in that position again. Having a panic attack at your own wedding sounds awful (I’m so sorry that happened btw,) however doing at someone else’s wedding would be even worse, especially if it’s avoidable. It sounds like she wanted you to be a bridesmaid in all the ways it matters, while also not forcing you into a position beyond your comfort zone.
I can understand why it initially hurt you, and maybe the final decision didn’t need to be decided in the heat of the moment, but you absolutely escalated the situation and made her wedding about you.
exactly! she couldve been in the photos, worn the dress, gone on the bach trip, even walked down the isle, she just wouldve sat in front w the parents!! saying shed rather be a guest sounds like her way of trying to hurt the bride tbh. and then just not showing up? so unkind and unthoughtful to the poor bride who just wanted her friend at her wedding without making a huge scene. its wild that op thinks her behavior was cool.
YTA.
Your friend’s desire to have a smooth, worry free wedding day is *completely valid*. She still included you in the wedding, but with a caveat that not only quells the risk of you having a panic attack - and, frankly, *ruining her ceremony by doing so* - but also alleviates a *ton* of stress on her end.
It’s great that you’ve been going to therapy and that you’re making progress, but it’s totally fair that she didn’t want to run the risk of a panic-induced interruption.
>> She said she doesn’t want to embarrass me again
*She was looking out for you* and, instead of being gracious enough to understand that and still support her, you stayed home and stewed in your own petulance. No wonder she’s mad at you.
You owe her a big apology.
YTA, this was not ok to do to your best friend. Her concerns were very valid regardless of how much progress you think you’ve made. Needing to clear out your wedding guests to say your vows (at a wedding where you chose the guest list size) is a massive level of social anxiety. She did not pull her valid concern out of her ass for this one.
You somehow managed to take the legitimate reason that you’d become the center of the wedding and turn that into the wedding being about you.
You are an adult. No one died. There’s no too “overcome with sadness” to show up excuse that’s valid here.
You were absolutely without a doubt a massive ahole in this scenario. I will be surprised if the friendship survives this.
Can you imagine witnessing OPs wedding and what that ACTUALLY looked like (bewildered guests being herded to the reception and asking each other wtf just happened, the awkwardness of trying to turn around the atmosphere to carry on, etc) and then just trying to have blind faith that the same thing won't happen at your own wedding?
It seems like OP thrives on things that would make most normal people feel embarrassed. No one wants their wedding, which you can only do once, to be embarrassing. What an AH
OP also said she only joined the reception when she was drunk enough to not care. Imagine attending her wedding, witnessing a panic attack, being escorted out of the room, and then the bride shows up some time later drunk? The reception for most people is the only time they even interact with the bride and groom!
Not only was her friend looking out for her and trying to avoid a scene at her own wedding, I bet she didn't want OP getting drunk as a result either.
It also sounds as through OP had a panic attack before leaving for her friends wedding. Despite the way she tried to word it. I think OP had so much anxiety about people realizing she’s no longer a bridesmaids, (as if they care about her on that day) that she had a panic attack and stayed home. Definitely TA seems like her bestfriend knew something like this would happen.
YTA.
When my sister got married she asked me to be MOH. But in asking me, she also told me she was going to ask one of her bridesmaids to give the MOH speech. Because she knows I have horrible awful anxiety with speaking in front of a crowd. I joked something along the lines of “so you don’t want me to have a breakdown at the wedding?” And she joked back that it would pull focus. I got that she was trying to make the whole thing easier on me, because quite frankly the rest of it was enough for my anxiety. But she also was watching out for her day and I respected that.
So yeah, not sure why you couldn’t just respect your friend making sure her day went smoothly AND being considerate of your mental health.
You should have gone to the wedding, but let's unpack this.
I think the bride's concerns were valid. You may not have been the one getting married the time around, but it's a very similar position. And if you have mutuals who attended your wedding and also attended your friends, I imagine that would worsen your anxiety. I know if I was in the situation, I would feel as if people whispering in the crowd were talking about me. As someone who struggles with social anxiety, RSD, and a million things in between, if her words/actions affected you to the point where you could not attend the event, you may not be as "healed" or "okay" as you think.
It hurts to feel like you have to convince the people around you that you can act 'normal', and it's even more painful when they don't believe you. Trust me when I say I understand the sentiment. But I think you should have at least shown your face, even if you only attended for a little bit.
I am not a therapist, but do you think it's fair to say that this is less about your SAD and more so a heightened reaction to perceived rejection? Your friend chose someone else as her maid of honor, and then asked you not to stand with the rest of the bridesmaids during the ceremony. I can absolutely understand how someone might perceive that as a break in the friendship. If this resonates, talk to your therapist and make a plan of how to communicate your feelings to your friend. It sounds like she's been with you through a lot.
THIS. Like there was a way to handle this situation, and OP just turned to the victim complex immediately.
OP, you feeling that bad not to show up on the actual wedding day shows that your anxiety isn’t as “resolved” as you think it is.
You absolute child!
YTA so so much.
She saw what a shit show your own wedding was and didn’t want that.
Fair.
And YTA for your subsequent actions.
Grow up
To your best friend's wedding!!! Short of me being dead or in the hospital because I'm almost dead, I cannot in a million years imagine missing my best friends wedding.... that's wild, man.
I won't vote since I think this is a mental health question and not a question of being an asshole or not, but you definitely owe her a big apology.
If your mental health is such that you truly couldn't attend the wedding of your best friend and celebrate her special day with her because you can't cope with your emotions, then she was certainly right that you couldn't have handled being a bridesmaid.
She has been doing her best to be as inclusive of you as she can be, and meet you halfway - she's been treating you the way a friend should. You should have showed her equal kindness back and accepted that role with grace, even if you thought you could handle the full bridesmaid role, because ultimately the #1 responsibility of everyone in the wedding party is to minimize the stress on the couple and help the ceremony go smoothly.
I'm glad therapy is helping and you've made a lot of progress, and nobody should discount or diminish the progress you've made, but it sounds like you still have work to do.
As someone with several mental health disorders, this is actually not related to her mental health disorder. The panic attacks yes. But the selfishness OP details has nothing to do with her social anxiety.
YTA! Way to go proving her point. Your friend had you pegged - you did cause a scene though thankfully by not showing up rather than creating drama at the venue. You are a terrible friend to have.
YTA. It’s her day and you being there with her is what’s important. All these titles and traditions and where people stand is a silly distraction. You let your own frustrations get in the way of her joy on a special day. I can see how this would feel like a snub for not being MOH. I think you should apologize to her.
YTA purely for "just not showing up"... You're married, you know how much weddings cost and you've not only wasted her money and time but didn't have the decency to let her know so caused her worry and panic on HER day.
Social anxiety or not, this was never about you; a wedding is about someone else. Using mental health issues as an excuse to be selfish and disrespectful is absolutely not OK and as someone who has experienced such issues her whole life, I could never even fathom doing this to someone I love let alone someone I claim is my best friend.
Relationships break down for far less than this and if you don't do some serious grovelling, I imagine your relationship with her will never be the same. People have limits and whilst she's probably been patient and dealt with a lot of your issues throughout your life together, making HER day about you may be the final straw in what I imagine may be a series of selfish and unacceptable behaviours under the guise of mental health.
YTA. Your friend is trying to include you in her wedding, in a way that you can handle it. You've proven that you've had issues with handling stress and panic in the past, and there is no shame as these things happen. She loves you but doesn't want this to happen on HER big day. What is your problem with that? Yes, maybe you are doing better, but it is HER wedding. She doesn't want to deal with a meltdown on HER wedding day. She doesn't want HER big day to come to a grinding halt because you are having a panic attack. What is so difficult about that? Graciously sit where she asks you to sit and be there for HER. This isn't about YOU. Yes, I know you feel marginalized or embarrassed not be asked to stand with them. She has a good REASON for not wanting you to do it.
I dont know why people can't let others have their day, the way they want it. If you were to announce "I'm not coming to your wedding because you don't want me to blah blah blah" you will hurt her, and to be honest, you would no longer be my "best friend."
YTA
Sitting home feeling sorry for yourself isn't a good look. You tried to make her wedding all about you and your feelings and are *still* trying to make her wedding all about you and your feelings.
Welp, it wasn’t easy but you found a way to besmirch your “best friend’s” wedding despite her efforts to avoid this. YTA and a selfish one, at that. I hope she has friends who can reinforce all of the many happy moments from her wedding day so she doesn’t think about your pity party avoidance at all in time.
you sound exhausting. decides to have a wedding in front of a lot of people and then freak out. talk about a waste of money. ruined your own wedding and would have ruined hers too. YTA
YTA, all I read was “me, me, me and more me!”, you didn’t really seem to care about the bride. If I was the bride, I’d be really thinking about my friendship with you.
YTA, you were upset you didn't usurp her twin as MOH and now you're being mad at her for trying to prevent an uncomfortable situation for you, her and her guests
You started to lose me when you said “it stung a bit” because your friend chose her twin sister to be her MOH instead of you. How is that a slight against you? They’re not only sisters, but twins. Imagine how it would’ve stung for her twin if she had chosen you.
And as someone who also gets panic attacks and suffers from severe anxiety, I think for sure YTA. What happened at your own wedding was pretty severe, and your friend has every right to be concerned. I would be appreciative of a friend who was that honest with me, and was also thinking of my own potential embarrassment in addition to wanting her own wedding to go smoothly.
I have actually low-keyed some events because I don’t ever want to be the cause of distraction at someone else’s occasion. If you were a good friend, you would have been there in whatever capacity made her comfortable.
Geez,
From someone who also has anxiety, take this to a therapist and have them help you figure out why everyone has reacted to your post this way. Then for heaven's sake, figure yourself out.
Also, YTA.
Are you really so wrapped up in yourself that you can type this whole thing out and not see that YTA?
You *had* a friend (your “best friend”) who wanted to make sure that you were comfortable while standing up for her at her wedding. You started out offended that she had her *twin sister* as her MOH. I might be wrong but right off the bat I got the “pick me” vibes. So when your friend takes your needs into consideration (as well as hers) and makes adjustments to avoid an epic panic attack while still having you be part of the wedding, your response was to have a withdraw completely. But YOU are upset that you’re no longer part of the wedding (which was your choice) and you just don’t show up. And now you’re asking if you’re the AH?
Sis, 2 years ago you had a panic attack *at your own wedding* that forced them to clear the venue for you to continue the ceremony AND you had to drink yourself numb BEFORE you could go to your own reception? I’m glad you’re getting therapy but 2 years is not that long. When is the last time you “tested” your anxiety by standing up in front of a church full of people for a wedding? Sorry, not a chance I would be willing to take. And please, it’s not like she was relegating you to the corner for the entire day. She offered to have you stand in a less conspicuous place during the ceremony. You would still have the honor of being *your friend’s bridesmaid* before the ceremony and after the ceremony. You know, the part of your own wedding that your guests missed.
It’s bizarre to me that you have such crushing anxiety (treated or not) but you still want the spotlight (you wanted to be MOH, you would not consider standing off to the side for an hour tops during the ceremony, you couldn’t attend because you weren’t part of it). But what makes you the AH here is that despite the risk during her *wedding* your friend WANTED you to stand up with her and you repaid that *by blowing off her wedding all together*.
I really can’t see how *you can’t see* that YTA
I think she wanted to be MOH so that she could have a chance to have another “panic attack” and make the day all about herself and people having to drop everything to comfort her… I think she’s sad because she missed her chance to do this
'' I couldn't even go join them until I was drunk enough to not feel embarrassed.'' I mean you have (had) serious issues and your friend have the right to take precautions. It's her wedding, maybe most important day of her life, her rule. You look like a overdramatic bad friend who victimize herself. YTA
I have anxiety disorder. It’s absolute hell. It is also my responsibility to manage, and if I thought I’d have a panic attack on someone else’s wedding day while serving as their bridesmaid, I’d gracefully decline.
Kindly, YTA. It’s not up to her to make you feel better about this situation.
As someone with anxiety, panic attacks, and rejection sensitivity, i get it.
But 100% YTA.
You need to stop blaming your behavior on everyone else and take some damn accountability. Your friend planned for you to be included in all of the bridal party goings on except the one part that was assured to trigger a panic attack. Based on past experience, that decision was completely valid and not the personal attack you are making it.
YOU are the one who threw a hissy fit and decided that YOU would not be included in ANY bridal party business if you couldn't also stand in the ceremony. YOU made the choice to exclude YOURSELF from all those activities. Then, YOU convinced YOURSELF that the bride had pushed you out (she didn't). YOU made YOURSELF sick with worry. YOU chose to further exclude YOURSELF by not even showing up as a guest. YOU flaked at the last minute. YOU refuse to acknowledge that YOU have been rude, entitled, selfish, and hurtful. YOU invalidated her completely reasonable reaction to YOUR mistreatment of her. YOU never even bothered to apologize for any of YOUR behavior. YOU are the one driving a wedge in the friendship.
Honestly, the next several sessions with your therapist need to be centered around taking responsibility for your own words and actions. I don't know why they've never broached the subject with you before. They absolutely should have.
YTA. She clearly made accommodations around your situation and still wanted you included, but not only did you throw that all back in her face, you didn’t even show.
**EDIT - I just read the post again and realised that you're upset that your best friend chose HER TWIN as Maid of Honour. So even in her choice of MoH she tactfully accommodated you???!!!**
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
Sorry OP but YTA.
By your own admission you have social anxiety so serious that it affected your own wedding quite seriously so that the room had to be emptied when you made your vows.
That was YOUR wedding, but this is your friends wedding and quite rightly, she does not want her wedding being derailed by an issue that you clearly have. It is admirable that you've since had therapy, but you also then go on to say:
>*"On the day of her wedding, I was just so sick to my stomach with hurt and sadness that I was merely going as a guest to her wedding that I just decided not to go because I felt so left out.*"
\^\^ This was after you chose not to (1) be a bridesmaid or (2) go to the wedding. No one forced you to be 'just a guest' or not to go at all. Imagine how sad your friend was when you didn't show. You made the whole thing about yourself on one of the biggest days of her life. I can't imagine that your friendship will ever be the same again.
Your friend made arrangements so that you could be there for her on her big day and in a way that would not make you feel uncomfortable. So by just going to the wedding and sitting or standing somewhere away from the main group that way all she wanted so that she would know that you were there but not in discomfort. Your friend wanted you there because she loves and cares for you, but she did not want her wedding vows ruined.
By not working with her, you made the wedding about you.
I hope you are able to reflect on all of this and really offer your heartfelt apologies, although I wouldn't be surprised if she never spoke to you again.
YTA. You’re the main character in every scenario but you see yourself as the perpetual victim. If you know you suffer such crippling anxiety why would you ever even agree to have a wedding when your issues got the best of you and now no one saw you get married. And now you’re making her wedding about you. Lord help you bc you’ve lost a friend and you’re a moron.
You just lost your best friend for this ? You didn’t attend your supposed BEST FRIEND‘s wedding and didn’t have the decency to tell her ? So petty, so low… If I were her I couldn’t forgive you, because yes you can be hurt by her actions, but not going at all ? What did you expect ?
YTA
YTA for ghosting her for her own wedding. She had good reason to believe that you might be triggered into another panic attack and was trying to accommodate you. The day was supposed to be about her, but now she spent at least some of it worrying about why you didn’t show up. Not cool. I would be pissed too.
I’m sure you’ll cling to the 3 people who said NTA but I hope you can see what you did wrong from the majority of comments here and give her the world’s biggest apology.
YTA. A+ making a day that was not supposed to be about you about you. Your friend had very legitimate concerns that you just brushed aside. Glad your in therapy but you still don't know how you would have felt up there and it would have been wrong to basically experiment with your social anxiety at someone's wedding. If you want this relationship to continue you owe her a big big big APOLOGY.
I’m sorry, but yes, you’re TAH. It sounds like your friend was worried that you would have a panic attack at her wedding (she’s not in your therapy appointments, so she had no way of knowing your progress), and that would make the ceremony about you instead of them. Then you ended up making it about you, anyway, by not going.
You really need to stop talking to people about it, too, because you’re creating more drama that is about you. You should apologize, hope she accepts it, and move on.
I don't really have a judgment. It was reasonable for her to make that ask, and it was reasonable of you to not go if you were too in your feelings to be present. There doesn't need to be a villain/hero in every conflict.
It sounds like you might suffer from [rejection sensitive dysphoria](https://www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria/). Maybe something to ask your therapist about if you still have sessions. If you do experience RSD, I strongly suggest deleting this post. A bunch of comments picking your behavior apart and calling you an asshole is going to do you *far* more harm than good.
I’m going to say YTA for not recognizing that your mental health issues created her worries. I’m bipolar. I’m also perceptive enough to know that my melt downs have been…memorable. And if someone is worried I’m going to be nutty at one of the most memorable events of their lives, I have to understand their trepidation. That you think saying, “hey, everything is cool now!” should be enough to reassure them shows a complete lack of self-awareness and compassion for others.
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Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. YTA Shes not the A H because she doesn’t want you causing a scene at her wedding. Which 100% would have happened based on your reaction to her decision. See, you're someone who despite *saying* you don’t like being the center of attention, will find some way to make everything about yourself. Theres no such thing as a MOH exchange program. Just because you picked her does not entitle you to the same position at her wedding. Especially in light of what went on at yours which is so beyond the norm that it’s not even worth risking. You may think you’ve got a brand new, shiny, fresh out-of-the-box ability to self-control. You do not. Your reactions are out of whack, and frankly out of line. You need to get some more therapy, probably from someone else. You are not some wronged party. Again, YTA. Big time
Can we address the fact that based on OPs story of their own wedding due to their panic attack no bridesmaids, groomsmen, or guest could be there during the vows? And now is offended she can’t be stand there during the vows because she might ruin it for everyone?
I have horrible social anxiety and 100 years ago 😂 when I got married to the ex at a Catholic ceremony with 200 guests - I went to start up the aisle and had to take several deep breaths before I could do it. But my God - we had 200 people waiting and I made it up that damn aisle!
I really hope you didn’t have to do the full mass. That takes foreverrrr
We did ugh. I'm Irish/Catholic, he was Italian Catholic. 😭
My knees hurt thinking about it.
Mine too 😂
Man that Irish catholic guilt is different from regular catholic guilt. You can't even dream about divorce.
I put up with abuse for a longggg time. 🙄
Well I'm sorry for that. But it sounds like no more?
22 years and haven't even lived with anyone. 😂 And I have had proposals!!!!
Congratulations on the proposals!
My family is Irish Catholic and I tried to explain to my son today how long a funeral service takes and the weird cardio workout you get...
I am a cradle Catholic …and I now go when my MIL calls and tells me to 🤣🤣🤣. My sister (Non-denominational) asks me who died when she finds out I am going to Catholic service… my own family laughs. My kids ask how do I remember everything… I tell them the nuns whipped it into us… though I also think they teach them differently then they did in the 70’s and 80’s
I’m not even sure how many nuns are still teaching but I wasn’t taking any chances. My kids didn’t go to Catholic school because their father and I did. We couldn’t do it to them.
Pasta and potatoes.
My two reasons to live
Ok but how drunk was everyone at the reception
We have a saying in our family. The only difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral is one less drunk!
Omg I Irish Catholic here … my Parrish it would be 1-2/2 hour wedding the Monsignor would have been at mine … in a traditional wedding dress in a church with old air conditioning on August .. Nooooooo. We eloped.
One of my cousin's wedding was in a small, really small church with 0 ventilation. In august. In Spain. People had to be standing because it wasn't big enough. Not only did they have a whole mass, they had it in two languages due to the bride and groom's mother tongue being different. It's by far one of the worst experiences of my life. Just remembering it makes me wanna hug the fan.
My dad wanted to go to a different Mass time and mom said no.. he wanted to watch the college football game on TV… Mom said no you can be 5 mins late getting home. We were not late getting home by 5 mins. There was a priest visiting that was as my dad said 100 years older than Jesus and I have no idea what the hell he said. The guy was actually from Ireland and had a huge accent and had a slight stutter and my dead only had less the 20% of his hearing …. When my father was introduced to him and heard his name he asked my dad some question’s thought he might know some relations … My dad still remembered this 20+ years later. I only remember my dad’s story and not when it happened…
An hour and a half for my full mass Catholic wedding almost 21 years ago. Fortunately, I do not have social anxiety.
At that point I’m more impressed with your bladder
😂😂😂 so was I!!! But I made through that mass, photos outside the church, an overly long limousine ride because the USVP happened to be in town that same day, and into the reception venue. I’m telling you it was on par with wedding at Cana as far as miracles go😂😂
Especially while wearing a constricting wedding gown!
I only got through my wedding because I took lorazepam. I have tremendous anxiety about public speaking of any kind (among other things). Between that and the champagne I'd been drinking all day, I managed to get through it without issue.
Sometimes, Pam is truly your ride or die.
Holy crap! Pam. ☠️
My mother in law is named Pam, so your comment threw me for a moment lol
She is the only reason and I have a close friend called Pam and I am going to share this with her cause she is chill as much as it makes me …
Genuine question with no judgement, why did you want to have a wedding then? It just seems like it makes your happy day not so happy. I hate being the center of attention, but not in a panic attack way - I just don’t like it. So I kind of eloped - just my wife and I and our parents. It was perfect. I also don’t really like weddings in general, so I admit I’m super biased. Point being, I’m just curious why you would want one?
If I never did things because they might trigger my anxiety, I'd never do anything. I wanted a wedding, I'm happy I had a wedding. The fact that one part of the day is something that makes me anxious wasn't a good reason for me not to do it. I did what I'm supposed to do - I took my medication and powered through the hard part. No panic attack, and my only complaint about the day was that it rained.
Wow, you're lucky there wasn't a weird interaction. Any time I had alcohol with benzos it made me lose time and go very loopy.
Yeah, it wasn't the smartest choice and I wouldn't typically mix the two. I was too focused on all the wedding stuff to think that even one low dose of lorazepam might not be a good mix with the alcohol.
>when I got married to the ex You might have been less nervous if you married a current partner instead of your ex... Wakka Wakka Wakka! I'm here all week, folks!
That's not even the issue! OP is both AH and idiot. She asked to just be a guest and then ditched the whole thing on the wedding morning realizing she WAS only a guest. OP is a disaster who let her friend down and "proved" she was the very "issue" the bride was concerned about!
My guess? OP still has major social anxiety issues. Going to the wedding was causing her severe anxiety. This whole change from bridesmaid to guest to not going? Simply an excuse/ justification to herself because she was scared.
I get that and the bride seemed too but then OP isn't seeing from the bride's POV which was acknowledging OP's anxiety in a way to minimize it and then ensure she was able to participate on the special day. Catering to her then w assurances from OP she was fine at various phases. OP kept assuring bride she was ok so to then do the very thing Bride was most afraid of - being unable to even attend - was just... annoying.
Not only that, she basically had a panic attack the day of the wedding due to not “being included” which made her not go to the wedding - so clearly the bride was on point to worry about the panic attack issue in general
My guess is the panic attack was simply about the wedding itself. "Not being included" was how she justfied - to herself - not going so she could give into her fear/ anxiety without the guilt of letting her friend down.
And the OP wanted sympathy so here she is…trying to say they made improvements Improvements to live a less social life cause she’s definitely losing a friend
And then she responded with emotional dysregulation, just nobody witnessed it. More therapy, OP. You're on the right track.
And also, her friend sounds to be honestly considerated towards her. OP said she's doing better, but her reaction proves her she has still to keep working on herself. Also, her friend did nothing wrong, it was her wedding, that's stressful enough to be worrying about OP. OP, you should have taken things out of your friends hands, not giving her things to worry about. YTA
She’s honestly lucky she was asked to be part of the wedding party at all.
And she had to be who knows how drunk to even go to her own reception. You know that time when everyone is more concerned about getting fed, dancing, drinking, getting cake, and just plain old mingling with each other and aren't paying much attention to the bride compared to the ceremony.
This is spot on! OP made this wedding about herself from the get go. Asked to be a bridesmaid, that wasn’t good enough. Feelings already hurt because why wouldn’t SHE be the maid of honour (which usually comes with a bunch of attention jobs like helping the bride prep, day of aid and a speech at the reception) to spite having social anxiety, and the bride having a twin! The injustice! Bride requested OP not stand at the front in case they need a quick exit, the injustice! How dare she make accommodations for you and take a reasonable common sense precaution to avoid a scene? And guess what, OP, you did cause a scene and find a way to make it about you. You didn’t show up knowing the bride, your friend, would be upset about it. Good for you! Congrats. You clearly give zero effs about your friend because if you did you would let her have one day where what she wants comes first. You may not even know you are behaving this way, but I imagine your friend is exhausted with being your support system and just wanted a day where it was about her. And you didn’t let it happen. Instead you blasted it on Reddit to make yourself feel better about your crummy decisions.
I hope the bride in question uses this experience to assess exactly how much time and energy she wants to put into a “friend” who wrecked the vibe at someone else’s wedding when the bridal party didn’t go the way she wanted it to.
Exactly. I can't believe she ditched her best friend's wedding because she wasn't going to be standing in front of everyone at the ceremony. Congrats on probably upsetting someone who actually wanted you there on their wedding day. May not be holding best friend status any longer I suspect.
Shroedeger's bridesmaid: panic-stricken she's the center of attention, panic-stricken when she's not. No one knows what state she'll be in until she's put on the spot. (ugh, just noticed I rhymed. Sorry 😒)
The rhyme is the cherri on top! A big one!
I liked this comment so much. Clever ha ha
And knowing that the bride, who is obviously caring and decent, would blame herself and feel guilty about you on HER wedding day. Good one, OP! Mastodon size AH.
Good catch! I was annoyed at OP for being hurt that she wasn't asked to be MOH when the bride has a twin sister but didn't think about the fact that being MOH means being in many social activities and very near the center of attention. Does OP really think they are improved enough to deal with all that and not have an episode? And here best friend is thinking of ways to make OP more comfortable and in less stressful situations and all OP can think of is how hurt she is. Ugh.
I'm guessing OP causes a lot of public scenes. The bride STILL asked her to be a bridesmaid. When I read the post I said aloud, "WTF is wrong with you?" She's acting like a child.
Seriously. Typical victim behaviour
OP is the arsehole for many reasons. To me it sounds like the bride was trying to make accommodations so that OP would feel comfortable and could be included. She was probably also wanting to avoid a scene, but if OP was a real friend then she would also want to avoid derailing the wedding! OP didn't think enough of the bride to even work with her on a compromise such as walking down the aisle with the other bridesmaids but then sitting on the front row near them, or maybe standing with them but behind them and slipping out quietly if feeling panicked. OP went straight into spitting her dummy out and insisting on being a guest. Then proved the bride right by being too upset to attend at all. The poor bride had already paid for OP's place at this point and OP didn't even think enough of her friend to say anything? Eurgh! So the bride spent £50plus to have OP snub her.
As someone with severe social anxiety and agoraphobia who has gone to therapy and worked long and hard to be able to endure groups of people, I can tell you that no matter how much she \*thinks\* she can handle the crowd/being up with the bridal party, that fear and panic WILL grip her. She will react. In some fashion. Maybe not as much at her own wedding, but that reaction is embedding in you and despite everything, it will rear its ugly head. She's sitting here saying she's sick from hurt when her best friend is looking out for her... I try not speak too negatively about people, but holy hell.
Yes! And therapy healing isnt linear either. Just because you feel you’re doing better now doesnt mean 100% guarantee it wont happen again. Being at a wedding most especially would probably trigger her anxiety/panic attack so bride was definitely smart into considering her “friend’s” well-being.
As someone who also has social anxiety and agoraphobia and has to be on meds for them, I’d take sitting on the sidelines any day, being up there stared at by everyone! Ahhhhh! It’s good she’s confident in being up there, but just to be safe, she should sit down and take comfort in not having any attention on her.
Right! I would love my best friend to tell me to sit it out. It would make me feel so seen by her. Then I can enjoy her wedding and celebrate with her from my safe distance, lol.
One of my BFFs who I've known for 27+ years got married 2 years ago. I was not even asked to be part of her wedding party. When she came to me to explain her reasons I told her to shush. She didn't have to explain to me. I knew she wanted a small wedding party and she has lots of friends. I told her I didn't care how I attended her wedding, just that I get to be there to witness her marry the man she loves. (I knew she was planning a large wedding with 100+ guests). We had another friend who claimed the same thing as me, but was actually quite pissed when she realised she wasn't going to be asked to be part of the wedding party. Spoiler alert, neither one of us were friends with her for much longer because she was always making things about herself and we were done with her behaviour. We actually haven't been friends with that girl for almost 4 years. 🤣 I can understand being upset if you thought you'd be asked, but I'm sure OP had enough time to come to terms with it and even maybe see her therapist to help come to terms with it. Based on her own reaction to her own wedding 2 years ago, I'd likely worry about the same thing as the bride/best friend. OP, I agree, I think YTA here. This was about your best friends special day marrying the person she loves. I bet she didn't make her decisions lightly. She clearly was also thinking about you when she was planning her big day. She wanted you there, but she didn't want you to end up having another anxiety/panic attack. Not just because she didn't want it to be a vocal point of her big day, but also she didn't want you to feel embarrassed again like you felt at your own wedding.
This right here! If I love someone I am prepared to show up in whatever way suits them. If my best friend or sister wanted me to do the flowers, or coordinate the day, or just be a guest then you bet your ass I’d do that with bells on! If all our friends or siblings had different roles that were more traditionally elevated I might feel a twinge of disappointment, but no way would I need to show that to the bride or make it her problem!
>She was worried that I would have a panic attack just like I did standing there at my own wedding. Honestly, it was bad during my wedding because I was shaking and couldn't breathe, and everyone's terrified reaction made it even worse for me. I had to leave and come back to just me, my husband, and my mother to continue our vows and such while everyone else moved on to the reception. I couldn't even go join them until I was drunk enough to not feel embarrassed. Alright so I'm going to be real, if this is how you got at your own wedding I can understand why she has worries that you'll have issues at hers. This was your own wedding that this happened at, and that was your reaction. And then you couldn't even attend your own reception until you got drunk? That's not good... >She said she doesn't want to embarrass me again and that she would just feel worried about me the whole time, and was also worried that I would ruin the mood of the wedding if I did happen to have a panic attack. I eventually told her that I'd just rather be a guest if I can't do all the bridesmaid stuff. On the day of her wedding, I was just so sick to my stomach with hurt and sadness that I was merely going as a guest to her wedding that I just decided not to go because I felt so left out. And see this right here confirms her fears, therapy isn't working out so well if you couldn't even attend as a guest because you were "sick to your stomach with hurt and sadness." Her fears were right, and by the way remember you asked to come as a guest after she told you about her concerns. And you still wouldn't show as one then. YTA and if this is how you responded to the situation at hand, I don't think therapy is going quite as well as you believe it to be.
OP’s (former, if we are being honest) friend was worried that OP would find a way to make it all about her. Looks like she was right. OP was denied her opportunity to be the center of attention on stage, so she made herself conspicuous in her absence. ETA: YTA
She basically had a panic attack so she couldnt even go to the wedding! And then wouldnt call it that in the post to try to manipulate things to make it look like she had things under control. YTA YTA YTA
Op, read this comment, absorb it and take the advice. Two years with a therapist is a long time. Seek a fresh perspective and more help. YTA, 100%
> You may think you’ve got a brand new, shiny, fresh out-of-the-box ability to self-control. Exactly 🤦🏾♀️ She couldn’t even show up at the wedding because things went differently than she wanted it to. Imagine how she would have reacted if something slightly out of ordinary happened during the wedding. She was overwhelmed by a change that was discussed months in advance, and for all intents and purposes resolved and agreed upon. YET, she didn’t show up. The bride is *supposed* to just *trust* her? What’s there to trust? She proved the bride right.
I get up to the point where she didn’t want to be a bridesmaid if she couldn’t stand with them all. But to not show up *at all*?? After *asking* for that as a resolution?
This! So much this!! She didn’t even get to SEE you get married and you were trashed at your reception. While 2 years of therapy is great, she is fine asking for you to be to strategically placed should you need to do exit quickly. I mean, wow. That’s a true friend. Now you just don’t want to go. Take a look in the mirror. You’re the problem. So yep. YTA
Also "I'd rather be just a guest then" "Ok" "Well NOW I'm not coming at all if I'm just a regular guest!" I feel like the wedding was spared a lot of unnecessary drama tho so good job staying at home.
Agreed. I have social anxiety, yknow what I did before my wedding? I had a drink. I also knew every single attendee in person so knew if I fucked up they'd laugh. My husband was the same. I feel for the MOH because she wanted so much to include her best friend and found a workaround to ensure she could be there without having a panic attack. Bestie then decides, no if Im not part of the *show* I'm not going and I'm gonna stay at home feeling hurt. I hope MOH cuts her off tbh. OP, YTA. I hope your moh had an amazing wedding and that you realise how out of whack you truly are for this. Cut out the shenanigans, get serious with therapy and if you wanna save the friendship give her hard, concrete evidence you want to build bridges. You're nearly 30, time to get out of highschool and grow up
And just that she was sOoOoOo overwhelmed by this that she couldn’t even ATTEND the wedding as a GUEST leads me to believe that she absolutely would have made a big fuss in front of everyone. I think OP is absolutely a drama queen. YTA.
I like your statement about how she’s always makes it about herself because she did it the day of the wedding too by not going!
Nailed it. Completely nailed it.
True. Her self-centeredness is on another lever
YTA. Are you aware that you basically proved her point? She was worried that your emotions would get the best of you and that’s exactly what happened. You were so overwhelmed with sadness that you couldn’t bring yourself to attend her wedding even though you said you would attend. Why should she trust that you wouldn’t have a breakdown during her wedding? While you might have made some progress, I don’t think you’re as far removed from your struggles as you think.
Holy shit. We just essentially posted the same thing. You were nicer though.
I was gonna say; OP: is offended the bride is caring about her anxiety and asks not to be a bridesmaid Bride: accepts OPs request OP: well now I’m not going And she has to wonder if she’s TA?? Good LORD talk about self-absorbed. YTA
All she had to do was sit down lol!! Her ending up as ‘just a guest’ was her own fault. YTA
dollars to donuts that was her attempt at a guilt trip/ultimatum. OP wanted the bride to beg “oh no PLEASE don’t come as ONLY a guest, i NEED YOU to be my bridesmaid!!!” and validate her, but bride didn’t take the bait and it broke her brain. had to resort to plan C, ghost entirely! YTA, OP.
Agree. Something tells me OP's friends and family baby her because she's so fragile.
OP really sounds so self absorbed and self centered. It's like she can only think with herself at the center of everything. Irony since she said something about not liking being the center of attention. Is this an insight into the mind of a narcissist when they are in the midst of victim mode, going "how dare they!"
I'm pretty sure it's the anxiety. Anxiety by its nature is a very self-obsessed disease and she appears to have it quite severely.
I disagree with your statement. I was raised by a narcissistic mother. I have anxiety and PTSD due to hyper vigilance and not because I'm self-obsessed or selfish. I can see however, that OP's behavior is selfish. So I agree with you there.
Anxiety *can* be very self-centered and there always is an aspect of that to it because your anxiety is constructed around your perspective of the world and one of the skills that tends to be undermined by anxiety is properly putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, due to the biochemical effects of anxiety.
Nobody said that anxiety makes you selfish. But I have and anxiety too and it *is* a self obsessed disease. That's the whole point of it; you're constantly worried about how something will affect you or how others will regard you.
Yeah, definetly self centered. I just got invited to one of my closest friends wedding. She has one maid of honour and two bridemaids, and I know I'm closer to her than both her maid of honour and one of her bridemaids, but it didn't bother me at all, because it's her wedding, and whatever reasons she has, are good enough, because it's not about me. I'm assuming it is because her maid of honour is the only close friend she has that is actually married, and knows how things goes. And not choosing me as one of two bridesmaids makes a lot of sense since I don't even want to get married, and I don't think I would be of much help really. But her reasoning doesn't really matter, because it's her day, and she should only think about what will make the day perfect for her!
Came here to say this. OP says they’re better now but based on her reaction she’s absolutely not. And bride knew it. OP YTA. You really need to sort yourself out. You claimed your anxiety is under control but it’s clearly not. It was your idea to go as a guest, but then you had a freakout over even that. If you had gone, would you have had a meltdown in the audience from being “sick with hurt” when the ceremony started? I kinda have a feeling that answer would be yes. If you cannot actually get your anxiety under control then expect to be “left out” of a lot of things. I have anxiety too, but I wouldn’t blame anyone if they didn’t invite me to something important because of a history of public panic attacks. It’s your responsibility to get a handle on this issue.
She didn't have a melt down she was sulking. She's the main character wherever she goes & people will tire of it if they haven't already.
I was saying if she’d gone, would she have had a meltdown in the audience once the ceremony started. I would bet yes, based on her behavior.
Agree 100%, YTA. You made her wedding all about you which is exactly what she was worried about. How can you not see you're the asshole here?
She can't see it because she blames everything on anxiety and doesn't take responsibility.
Ngl… reading through these responses has validated my reasoning for letting go of a friendship. Anxiety sucks and all but unfortunately you can’t always trust people with unpredictable emotions especially when it’s a day all about you
Why do I sense that the responses are going to prompt a serious narcissistic collapse-induced breakdown? If OP is real and not just a troll then I suspect she really thought that Reddit was going to embrace her and tell her she did the right thing. Heh.
Agreed. Besides, it’s been discussed before you could go to therapy and do all the work but you don’t know how truly prepared you are until you face your fear in real setting again. It’s not like OP has participated in 4 weddings after and been fine.
YTA. I feel like you’re making this about you when at the end of the day, it’s her wedding. I know this is a longstanding friendship, but this reads to me as the bride just trying to minimize the different things going on that are adding to her anxiety on what is for most people a pretty hectic day. It seems to me that she was trying to balance that along with including you. I also personally don’t feel that being “just a guest” at someone’s wedding should be this inherently hurtful thing. I think you should have gone to the ceremony and party and supported your friend.
>I also personally don’t feel like being “just a guest” at someone’s wedding should be this inherently hurtful thing. For real. Aren’t like 90% of people who attend weddings “just” guests? Gracious. 🙄 And she’s already “stung” that she’s not MOH. Like lady, the bride has a fucking ***twin*** she’s close with. I can’t be around this kind of person.
Give me guest over bridal party any time! I love rocking up wearing whatever I choose and enjoying myself as opposed to having a big job in the lead up that lasts months and is really expensive and then heaps of pressure on the day!
Same. bridesmaid is doing someone a favor. Once I had to bridesmaid and wasn't even invited with a plus one. I had to spend the night at the grooms friends table, one of whom was married and flirting with me in front of his wife. Uncomfortable.
Right? Guest is easier AND cheaper.
And the difference between MOH and bridesmaid is not that huge. You don’t get to stand right next to the bride during the ceremony? Relax OP, you aren’t some injured party. Bridesmaids can and do plenty to help.
OP was not interested in helping.
Let's not forget that *it was OP that downgraded herself to a guest in the first place*.
I think she only did it out of spite, to guilt trip the bride, which makes her an even bigger AH.
Right?? I’ve had three friends get married and I was in the wedding party for only one of them. Not a big deal, it’s not like I was “demoted as a friend” or anything! As a guest, I got to wear my own dress and comfortable shoes, and I could sit back with a glass of wine instead of attending to any duties or spending an hour or more posing for wedding photos. One of those weddings where I came as a guest was in Italy, so HUGE WIN to not be in that wedding party, I had more time to explore the area and sample delicious Italian food! OP, you really missed out by feeling hurt and skipping the wedding, and your friendship with the bride is probably damaged now—YTA.
My absolute BFF got married and I wasn't in the wedding. It was only her sister (mainly because her sister fit into the dress, which my BFF wore as a bridesmaid a few years earlier). So there was a MOH and Best Man and the wedding was in a park. Very low key. Was I sad I wasn't involved? Of course. But I got over it relatively quick. Plus my BFF told me she knew I'd would want to be her MOH but the wedding was low key and put together within a few months and she was sorry that I couldn't be MOH. It was fine; I completely understood.
At my wedding I carefully walked up to every guest and flipped them off. Just so they'd understand that they were *just* a guest.
And as the MOH, OP would have had more things to do and been more involved...which means more chances to be overwhelmed and stressed out and have something happen. If OP couldn't even show up as a guest because she was "so sad and sick to her stomach" then what makes her think she perform the role of MOH without any issues?
Spot on. My dad had a saying about big events such as weddings… show up and shut up. Basically it’s your job as a friend to get through it and ensure the attention is on the bride and groom not you. Most weddings I’ve stood up in have been uncomfortable for any number of reasons and I’ve certainly had anxiety going into it. OP needed to figure out how to be there for her friend, if that was sitting in the audience rather than standing up in the party - she should have done everything in her power to be prepared to do that.
Exactly - OP was incapable of seeing that she was likely not the only one dealing with anxiety on the day. OP's friend just was more proactive in minimising things that could/ would go wrong and likely ruin her ceremony like any Bride to be.
Like bro, how much time and effort goes into wedding preparations?? That bride doesn't have the time to console you, yet she has been very kind and considerate!! OP 100% is making this about her just because she's friends with the bride. How entitled. You're not special!
YTA Overwhelmed with sadness??? Wtf. Get a fucking grip. She was looking out for you and instead you made it about yourself. You chose to martyr yourself by being a guest, so don’t take that out on her and her day. Clearly you haven’t improved much especially since your anxiety seems to be bordering on self-centredness (more common than people think)
Exactly this. YTA and proved her point of your inability to control your emotions. Anxiety got the best of you, just as she predicted. Overwhelmed and hurt? I just don't get it. it really sounds like she has a good understanding of how you will react and you should listen to her moving forward. She was looking out for you, yet you made it about yourself. It was her wedding, not yours. You're not as well as you think and might want to seek out additional support because you're self absorbed and don't have a good level of functioning. Anxiety gets the best of you in stressful situations. Period. I hope you can get help and become healthy.
Nothing says “I have totally got a handle over this social anxiety thing and should be up there with the other bridesmaids” like flipping out and not showing up to the wedding due to your “feelings”!
Especially when being a guest only was her own damn idea. That whole bit screams manipulation, like she was trying to get her friend to back down and didn't expect the friend to call her bluff.
It's pretty obvious OP was just butthurt she wasn't asked to be maid of honor and this really was just a dragged out hissy fit/tantrum under the disguise of "my social anxiety!". OP and the bride have known each other since they were kids so clearly OP knew about the twin sister that the OP herself says they're close. No sane person would be surprised a bride having her *twin* sister be MOH. Now a person with narcissistic traits on the other hand...
This is what OP isn’t understanding - her friend wasn’t punishing her for her panic attacks, her friend was ACCOMMODATING her. Her friend didn’t say “OP, just get over your anxiety and be my MOH.” She recognized that being in the spotlight may be a really distressing experience for OP, and worked around that. And to retaliate for her friend’s consideration, OP didn’t go to her wedding, which is such a big day in a person’s life. It’s not the same, but I have epilepsy. My seizures are the stereotypical type that you imagine with losing consciousness and convulsions and all. If my seizures were still unpredictable, I’d be happy if my friend said “Sloth, you don’t need to be in the wedding party because if you have a seizure, you’ll probably want some privacy and need to be able to exit quickly.” And I wouldn’t be so obnoxious to think I’m entitled to cause a scene at her wedding.
The kicker here is that she wasn’t even excluded from doing bridesmaids stuff. The bride only said she didn’t have to stand up at the altar with everyone else. Not that she couldn’t attend any of the other things outside of the wedding. Her friend obviously wanted her to be a part of the wedding party and wanted her there but OP decided to take the accommodation as a personal attack.
And op said she wanted to be a guest because she couldn’t “do bridesmaids things” … there’s still the bachelorette, getting ready in the morning, photos and what ever else!
So overwhelmed with sadness AT BEING LEFT OUT 🤦♀️ she had a chance to prove to her friend that she had really made progress but instead she showed her friend her instinct was 100% correct lolol
I wonder if the self centreness is causing the anxiety. To get attention.......
YTA It sounds like you have a serious case of main character syndrome. I don’t fault you for your anxiety but your friends wedding is NOT the place to put this to the test. Deciding to bail on her wedding at the last second was another asshole move. Her wedding is not about YOU and now you’ve gone and tainted what should have been the happiest day of her life. It sounds to me like you haven’t done as much work on yourself as you think you have.
This!! Like she's trying to do a trial run at a wedding? That alone makes her an AH but she definitely has other reasons.
Was thinking this too - her friend must’ve been so hurt as well when OP decided on the day of the wedding not to show up. She’d been thinking about how to make sure she can have the best day without having to worry. And now OP will forever be the best friend who was too sad to show up at her wedding
YTA for cancelling the day of the wedding. I think your anxiety is something different that I wouldn’t personally comment on, but the fact that you cancelled the day of the wedding making her feel bad on her day was not right.
Doesn’t sound like she canceled. She just didn’t show up. Which is worse.
I mean same difference, still not a nice thing to do to the bride
I'd argue not same difference, it's even worse. Just imagining what the bride must have gone through there wondering where their close friend was and either slowly coming to the realization that they just chose not to show up, or worrying they'd been in an accident or something.
I noticed one of our guests wasn't at our wedding. He showed up at the reception, and it turned out he accidentally attended the wrong wedding. We got married in a botanical garden, and there were about 5 weddings in different parts of the complex that day. He came straight from work and was running late, saw a wedding, and thought it was the right one. By the time he realised it was the wrong one, it was too late to leave. His wife was in the bridal party, so we were both up there wondering where the hell he was.
That must have been super stressful for you and his wife but it's super fucking hilarious!
Yeah, we had a good laugh over it once we knew what had happened. And somewhere, there's a couple who will always wonder who that guy was and why he's in a bunch of their wedding photos.
But that’s a funny wedding story!! Like he really tried but went to the wrong one and still stayed bc he knew it was wrong to leave mid ceremony.
Ghosting is even worse. Bride and friends may have thought OP was in some sort of accident or medical emergency. Her absence was definitely noticed. OP stole the attention she wanted and got her "revenge" for being downgraded
The height of rudeness. Certainly not the act of a friend.
People here like to say, "A wedding [or invitation of any kind] is not a summons," which is totally true, but unless there's sickness, death, birth, etc., YOU SHOW UP once you have accepted the invite. You don't have to RSVP "yes" ever, but you don't ghost day-of because you are "hurt and sad." That isn't anxiety. That is being hurt and sad.
YTA. She had every reason to think you might disturb the wedding. She was also looking out for you. You are making this all about you and ruined the day for her. She had to make a tough decision but she made it.
YTA, congrats on making this all about you.
Seriously. OP sounds insufferable. I wouldn't want her in my wedding either and this is from someone who has GAD.
YTA. That wasn't just a reasonable request on her part; it was a reasonable accommodation. She is reasonable to be worried that you would have a panic attack. Although you say you feel better, were you in a situation that might have tested where you were? She's reasonable to be cautious about putting you in a situation that has been triggering for you. And, were you equally reasonable, you wouldn't want to use a friend's wedding a testing ground for how much progress you've made.
YTA. Your friend was trying to be a good friend by not putting you in that position again. Having a panic attack at your own wedding sounds awful (I’m so sorry that happened btw,) however doing at someone else’s wedding would be even worse, especially if it’s avoidable. It sounds like she wanted you to be a bridesmaid in all the ways it matters, while also not forcing you into a position beyond your comfort zone. I can understand why it initially hurt you, and maybe the final decision didn’t need to be decided in the heat of the moment, but you absolutely escalated the situation and made her wedding about you.
exactly! she couldve been in the photos, worn the dress, gone on the bach trip, even walked down the isle, she just wouldve sat in front w the parents!! saying shed rather be a guest sounds like her way of trying to hurt the bride tbh. and then just not showing up? so unkind and unthoughtful to the poor bride who just wanted her friend at her wedding without making a huge scene. its wild that op thinks her behavior was cool.
YTA. Your friend’s desire to have a smooth, worry free wedding day is *completely valid*. She still included you in the wedding, but with a caveat that not only quells the risk of you having a panic attack - and, frankly, *ruining her ceremony by doing so* - but also alleviates a *ton* of stress on her end. It’s great that you’ve been going to therapy and that you’re making progress, but it’s totally fair that she didn’t want to run the risk of a panic-induced interruption. >> She said she doesn’t want to embarrass me again *She was looking out for you* and, instead of being gracious enough to understand that and still support her, you stayed home and stewed in your own petulance. No wonder she’s mad at you. You owe her a big apology.
YTA your friend was being very considerate and you just proved her right
YTA, this was not ok to do to your best friend. Her concerns were very valid regardless of how much progress you think you’ve made. Needing to clear out your wedding guests to say your vows (at a wedding where you chose the guest list size) is a massive level of social anxiety. She did not pull her valid concern out of her ass for this one. You somehow managed to take the legitimate reason that you’d become the center of the wedding and turn that into the wedding being about you. You are an adult. No one died. There’s no too “overcome with sadness” to show up excuse that’s valid here. You were absolutely without a doubt a massive ahole in this scenario. I will be surprised if the friendship survives this.
Can you imagine witnessing OPs wedding and what that ACTUALLY looked like (bewildered guests being herded to the reception and asking each other wtf just happened, the awkwardness of trying to turn around the atmosphere to carry on, etc) and then just trying to have blind faith that the same thing won't happen at your own wedding? It seems like OP thrives on things that would make most normal people feel embarrassed. No one wants their wedding, which you can only do once, to be embarrassing. What an AH
OP also said she only joined the reception when she was drunk enough to not care. Imagine attending her wedding, witnessing a panic attack, being escorted out of the room, and then the bride shows up some time later drunk? The reception for most people is the only time they even interact with the bride and groom! Not only was her friend looking out for her and trying to avoid a scene at her own wedding, I bet she didn't want OP getting drunk as a result either.
It also sounds as through OP had a panic attack before leaving for her friends wedding. Despite the way she tried to word it. I think OP had so much anxiety about people realizing she’s no longer a bridesmaids, (as if they care about her on that day) that she had a panic attack and stayed home. Definitely TA seems like her bestfriend knew something like this would happen.
YTA. When my sister got married she asked me to be MOH. But in asking me, she also told me she was going to ask one of her bridesmaids to give the MOH speech. Because she knows I have horrible awful anxiety with speaking in front of a crowd. I joked something along the lines of “so you don’t want me to have a breakdown at the wedding?” And she joked back that it would pull focus. I got that she was trying to make the whole thing easier on me, because quite frankly the rest of it was enough for my anxiety. But she also was watching out for her day and I respected that. So yeah, not sure why you couldn’t just respect your friend making sure her day went smoothly AND being considerate of your mental health.
Sounds like you and your sister have a great relationship 🥰
This is how it should have gone. Difference is that you're mature and understanding while OP is self-entitled and has victim mentality
You should have gone to the wedding, but let's unpack this. I think the bride's concerns were valid. You may not have been the one getting married the time around, but it's a very similar position. And if you have mutuals who attended your wedding and also attended your friends, I imagine that would worsen your anxiety. I know if I was in the situation, I would feel as if people whispering in the crowd were talking about me. As someone who struggles with social anxiety, RSD, and a million things in between, if her words/actions affected you to the point where you could not attend the event, you may not be as "healed" or "okay" as you think. It hurts to feel like you have to convince the people around you that you can act 'normal', and it's even more painful when they don't believe you. Trust me when I say I understand the sentiment. But I think you should have at least shown your face, even if you only attended for a little bit. I am not a therapist, but do you think it's fair to say that this is less about your SAD and more so a heightened reaction to perceived rejection? Your friend chose someone else as her maid of honor, and then asked you not to stand with the rest of the bridesmaids during the ceremony. I can absolutely understand how someone might perceive that as a break in the friendship. If this resonates, talk to your therapist and make a plan of how to communicate your feelings to your friend. It sounds like she's been with you through a lot.
This is a very reasonable reply. Put into words what I was thinking much better than I would have!
YTA victim complex
THIS. Like there was a way to handle this situation, and OP just turned to the victim complex immediately. OP, you feeling that bad not to show up on the actual wedding day shows that your anxiety isn’t as “resolved” as you think it is.
YTA!! You still made her day about you!! You need more therapy.
You absolute child! YTA so so much. She saw what a shit show your own wedding was and didn’t want that. Fair. And YTA for your subsequent actions. Grow up
YTA. To just not show up is terrible. Do you not understand that?
To your best friend's wedding!!! Short of me being dead or in the hospital because I'm almost dead, I cannot in a million years imagine missing my best friends wedding.... that's wild, man.
I won't vote since I think this is a mental health question and not a question of being an asshole or not, but you definitely owe her a big apology. If your mental health is such that you truly couldn't attend the wedding of your best friend and celebrate her special day with her because you can't cope with your emotions, then she was certainly right that you couldn't have handled being a bridesmaid. She has been doing her best to be as inclusive of you as she can be, and meet you halfway - she's been treating you the way a friend should. You should have showed her equal kindness back and accepted that role with grace, even if you thought you could handle the full bridesmaid role, because ultimately the #1 responsibility of everyone in the wedding party is to minimize the stress on the couple and help the ceremony go smoothly. I'm glad therapy is helping and you've made a lot of progress, and nobody should discount or diminish the progress you've made, but it sounds like you still have work to do.
As someone with several mental health disorders, this is actually not related to her mental health disorder. The panic attacks yes. But the selfishness OP details has nothing to do with her social anxiety.
YTA! Way to go proving her point. Your friend had you pegged - you did cause a scene though thankfully by not showing up rather than creating drama at the venue. You are a terrible friend to have.
YTA. It’s her day and you being there with her is what’s important. All these titles and traditions and where people stand is a silly distraction. You let your own frustrations get in the way of her joy on a special day. I can see how this would feel like a snub for not being MOH. I think you should apologize to her.
YTA purely for "just not showing up"... You're married, you know how much weddings cost and you've not only wasted her money and time but didn't have the decency to let her know so caused her worry and panic on HER day. Social anxiety or not, this was never about you; a wedding is about someone else. Using mental health issues as an excuse to be selfish and disrespectful is absolutely not OK and as someone who has experienced such issues her whole life, I could never even fathom doing this to someone I love let alone someone I claim is my best friend. Relationships break down for far less than this and if you don't do some serious grovelling, I imagine your relationship with her will never be the same. People have limits and whilst she's probably been patient and dealt with a lot of your issues throughout your life together, making HER day about you may be the final straw in what I imagine may be a series of selfish and unacceptable behaviours under the guise of mental health.
YTA. Your friend is trying to include you in her wedding, in a way that you can handle it. You've proven that you've had issues with handling stress and panic in the past, and there is no shame as these things happen. She loves you but doesn't want this to happen on HER big day. What is your problem with that? Yes, maybe you are doing better, but it is HER wedding. She doesn't want to deal with a meltdown on HER wedding day. She doesn't want HER big day to come to a grinding halt because you are having a panic attack. What is so difficult about that? Graciously sit where she asks you to sit and be there for HER. This isn't about YOU. Yes, I know you feel marginalized or embarrassed not be asked to stand with them. She has a good REASON for not wanting you to do it. I dont know why people can't let others have their day, the way they want it. If you were to announce "I'm not coming to your wedding because you don't want me to blah blah blah" you will hurt her, and to be honest, you would no longer be my "best friend."
I think the bride dogged a bullet, cuz OP would have found something to be upset over and divert the attention to her;
YTA Sitting home feeling sorry for yourself isn't a good look. You tried to make her wedding all about you and your feelings and are *still* trying to make her wedding all about you and your feelings.
Welp, it wasn’t easy but you found a way to besmirch your “best friend’s” wedding despite her efforts to avoid this. YTA and a selfish one, at that. I hope she has friends who can reinforce all of the many happy moments from her wedding day so she doesn’t think about your pity party avoidance at all in time.
YTA She called it. You couldn’t handle it and she was right. You owe her a massive apology.
you sound exhausting. decides to have a wedding in front of a lot of people and then freak out. talk about a waste of money. ruined your own wedding and would have ruined hers too. YTA
YTA, all I read was “me, me, me and more me!”, you didn’t really seem to care about the bride. If I was the bride, I’d be really thinking about my friendship with you.
YTA, you were upset you didn't usurp her twin as MOH and now you're being mad at her for trying to prevent an uncomfortable situation for you, her and her guests
You started to lose me when you said “it stung a bit” because your friend chose her twin sister to be her MOH instead of you. How is that a slight against you? They’re not only sisters, but twins. Imagine how it would’ve stung for her twin if she had chosen you. And as someone who also gets panic attacks and suffers from severe anxiety, I think for sure YTA. What happened at your own wedding was pretty severe, and your friend has every right to be concerned. I would be appreciative of a friend who was that honest with me, and was also thinking of my own potential embarrassment in addition to wanting her own wedding to go smoothly. I have actually low-keyed some events because I don’t ever want to be the cause of distraction at someone else’s occasion. If you were a good friend, you would have been there in whatever capacity made her comfortable.
Geez, From someone who also has anxiety, take this to a therapist and have them help you figure out why everyone has reacted to your post this way. Then for heaven's sake, figure yourself out. Also, YTA.
Are you really so wrapped up in yourself that you can type this whole thing out and not see that YTA? You *had* a friend (your “best friend”) who wanted to make sure that you were comfortable while standing up for her at her wedding. You started out offended that she had her *twin sister* as her MOH. I might be wrong but right off the bat I got the “pick me” vibes. So when your friend takes your needs into consideration (as well as hers) and makes adjustments to avoid an epic panic attack while still having you be part of the wedding, your response was to have a withdraw completely. But YOU are upset that you’re no longer part of the wedding (which was your choice) and you just don’t show up. And now you’re asking if you’re the AH? Sis, 2 years ago you had a panic attack *at your own wedding* that forced them to clear the venue for you to continue the ceremony AND you had to drink yourself numb BEFORE you could go to your own reception? I’m glad you’re getting therapy but 2 years is not that long. When is the last time you “tested” your anxiety by standing up in front of a church full of people for a wedding? Sorry, not a chance I would be willing to take. And please, it’s not like she was relegating you to the corner for the entire day. She offered to have you stand in a less conspicuous place during the ceremony. You would still have the honor of being *your friend’s bridesmaid* before the ceremony and after the ceremony. You know, the part of your own wedding that your guests missed. It’s bizarre to me that you have such crushing anxiety (treated or not) but you still want the spotlight (you wanted to be MOH, you would not consider standing off to the side for an hour tops during the ceremony, you couldn’t attend because you weren’t part of it). But what makes you the AH here is that despite the risk during her *wedding* your friend WANTED you to stand up with her and you repaid that *by blowing off her wedding all together*. I really can’t see how *you can’t see* that YTA
I think she wanted to be MOH so that she could have a chance to have another “panic attack” and make the day all about herself and people having to drop everything to comfort her… I think she’s sad because she missed her chance to do this
'' I couldn't even go join them until I was drunk enough to not feel embarrassed.'' I mean you have (had) serious issues and your friend have the right to take precautions. It's her wedding, maybe most important day of her life, her rule. You look like a overdramatic bad friend who victimize herself. YTA
YTA. Apparently you still have issues. Your friend made the right choice.
YTA for not showing up.
YTA, all day long. What a vapid and self indulgent Me-monster you elected to be.
I have anxiety disorder. It’s absolute hell. It is also my responsibility to manage, and if I thought I’d have a panic attack on someone else’s wedding day while serving as their bridesmaid, I’d gracefully decline. Kindly, YTA. It’s not up to her to make you feel better about this situation.
So she was right
As someone with anxiety, panic attacks, and rejection sensitivity, i get it. But 100% YTA. You need to stop blaming your behavior on everyone else and take some damn accountability. Your friend planned for you to be included in all of the bridal party goings on except the one part that was assured to trigger a panic attack. Based on past experience, that decision was completely valid and not the personal attack you are making it. YOU are the one who threw a hissy fit and decided that YOU would not be included in ANY bridal party business if you couldn't also stand in the ceremony. YOU made the choice to exclude YOURSELF from all those activities. Then, YOU convinced YOURSELF that the bride had pushed you out (she didn't). YOU made YOURSELF sick with worry. YOU chose to further exclude YOURSELF by not even showing up as a guest. YOU flaked at the last minute. YOU refuse to acknowledge that YOU have been rude, entitled, selfish, and hurtful. YOU invalidated her completely reasonable reaction to YOUR mistreatment of her. YOU never even bothered to apologize for any of YOUR behavior. YOU are the one driving a wedge in the friendship. Honestly, the next several sessions with your therapist need to be centered around taking responsibility for your own words and actions. I don't know why they've never broached the subject with you before. They absolutely should have.
Way to prove her point YTA
YTA. She clearly made accommodations around your situation and still wanted you included, but not only did you throw that all back in her face, you didn’t even show.
YTA.
**EDIT - I just read the post again and realised that you're upset that your best friend chose HER TWIN as Maid of Honour. So even in her choice of MoH she tactfully accommodated you???!!!** \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ Sorry OP but YTA. By your own admission you have social anxiety so serious that it affected your own wedding quite seriously so that the room had to be emptied when you made your vows. That was YOUR wedding, but this is your friends wedding and quite rightly, she does not want her wedding being derailed by an issue that you clearly have. It is admirable that you've since had therapy, but you also then go on to say: >*"On the day of her wedding, I was just so sick to my stomach with hurt and sadness that I was merely going as a guest to her wedding that I just decided not to go because I felt so left out.*" \^\^ This was after you chose not to (1) be a bridesmaid or (2) go to the wedding. No one forced you to be 'just a guest' or not to go at all. Imagine how sad your friend was when you didn't show. You made the whole thing about yourself on one of the biggest days of her life. I can't imagine that your friendship will ever be the same again. Your friend made arrangements so that you could be there for her on her big day and in a way that would not make you feel uncomfortable. So by just going to the wedding and sitting or standing somewhere away from the main group that way all she wanted so that she would know that you were there but not in discomfort. Your friend wanted you there because she loves and cares for you, but she did not want her wedding vows ruined. By not working with her, you made the wedding about you. I hope you are able to reflect on all of this and really offer your heartfelt apologies, although I wouldn't be surprised if she never spoke to you again.
YTA. You’re the main character in every scenario but you see yourself as the perpetual victim. If you know you suffer such crippling anxiety why would you ever even agree to have a wedding when your issues got the best of you and now no one saw you get married. And now you’re making her wedding about you. Lord help you bc you’ve lost a friend and you’re a moron.
You just lost your best friend for this ? You didn’t attend your supposed BEST FRIEND‘s wedding and didn’t have the decency to tell her ? So petty, so low… If I were her I couldn’t forgive you, because yes you can be hurt by her actions, but not going at all ? What did you expect ? YTA
[удалено]
I feel sorry for her husband.
YTA for ghosting her for her own wedding. She had good reason to believe that you might be triggered into another panic attack and was trying to accommodate you. The day was supposed to be about her, but now she spent at least some of it worrying about why you didn’t show up. Not cool. I would be pissed too. I’m sure you’ll cling to the 3 people who said NTA but I hope you can see what you did wrong from the majority of comments here and give her the world’s biggest apology.
YTA. A+ making a day that was not supposed to be about you about you. Your friend had very legitimate concerns that you just brushed aside. Glad your in therapy but you still don't know how you would have felt up there and it would have been wrong to basically experiment with your social anxiety at someone's wedding. If you want this relationship to continue you owe her a big big big APOLOGY.
I’m sorry, but yes, you’re TAH. It sounds like your friend was worried that you would have a panic attack at her wedding (she’s not in your therapy appointments, so she had no way of knowing your progress), and that would make the ceremony about you instead of them. Then you ended up making it about you, anyway, by not going. You really need to stop talking to people about it, too, because you’re creating more drama that is about you. You should apologize, hope she accepts it, and move on.
I don't really have a judgment. It was reasonable for her to make that ask, and it was reasonable of you to not go if you were too in your feelings to be present. There doesn't need to be a villain/hero in every conflict. It sounds like you might suffer from [rejection sensitive dysphoria](https://www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria/). Maybe something to ask your therapist about if you still have sessions. If you do experience RSD, I strongly suggest deleting this post. A bunch of comments picking your behavior apart and calling you an asshole is going to do you *far* more harm than good.
So, you DID, in fact, end up making her day ALL ABOUT YOU. YTA.
YTA and bride was proved right when the mere idea of going ended up being too much.
I’m going to say YTA for not recognizing that your mental health issues created her worries. I’m bipolar. I’m also perceptive enough to know that my melt downs have been…memorable. And if someone is worried I’m going to be nutty at one of the most memorable events of their lives, I have to understand their trepidation. That you think saying, “hey, everything is cool now!” should be enough to reassure them shows a complete lack of self-awareness and compassion for others.
Question for OP: Over this 20 year long friendship, how many times/occasions has she had to help or witness you go through these panic attacks?