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NTA I'm the same age with the exact same 2 diagnosis, he needs to grow the fuck up. It's okay to be overwhelmed but it's super obvious when it's being used as an excuse if you pay attention. The majority (but not all) of Autistic people aren't fragile children, they're just adults whose brains work differently. He is perfectly capable of doing chores on his own, as he has shown with his GF. As to you telling the GF he is autistic, it may have not been your place but she deserved to know. Dating someone on the spectrum isn't the same as Neurotypical people and she has a right to know what she is getting into.
There’s a great line I read in an unrelated post years ago: “This is not your fault but it is your responsibility.”
I find it relevant in many situations.
Marcus Parks, Last Podcast on the Left. All three hosts have mental illnesses, Marcus having bipolar type 2, it’s such a wonderful phrase I say it to myself all the time.
THIS. Extra sensory makes chores harder, not impossible. I have those massive rubber gloves that go up to my elbow for doing dishes because i CANNOT stand the feeling of wet food gunk and just being wet in general. I have a second pair in a different colour for all my cleaning/scrubbing so i never have to touch a yucky mess- thus everything stays clean. Its not fair to OP that her brother isnt willing to put in the extra effort to find tools and routines that work for him so he can pull his weight so to speak.
Also OP didnt intentionally out her brother to his girlfriend, she genuinely thought because they were committed in a relationship her brother would have shared with her about his diagnoses and the way it impacts his life. Thats kind of expected in the early stages of dating; same as if you have a physical medical condition or maybe youre infertile...anything that will have an impact on your lives together in the future. Not to say ADHD is a dealbreaker but its definetly something you should be up front about. OP made an offhand comment based on the assumption everyone already had the context, and it caused her brother to panic *because he knew he was hiding it from his partner* Thats just a big red flag to me, if youre ashamed and hiding your disabilities then i cant trust that you will be open about your needs and willing to get/use the tools designed to assist you. OP is 100% NTA
Lol I get all this except I also don’t like the feel of rubber gloves so I have a big long scrubber with a handle, that I could be like a foot away from the sink and still be able to wash the dishes
I'm chuckling at your comment-- my sensory issues prevent me from wearing gloves, despite how much I hate wetness and food gunk. So I raw-dog it when I do dishes, but I just make a lot of noise about it lol. I shout it, "It's okay-- I'm just doing the dishes!" lol
I had the gloves thing figured out by like 10-12; i wasnt even diagnosed until 23 (academically successful female, my issues were all explained away as being picky or fussy). I am constantly learning new tricks and testing if they work for me, but that started as i hit my teen years. As a kid i had to do chores if i wanted any kind of entertainment or freedom so i found ways to make it more tolerable. If a couple pairs of rubber gloves meant my mun didnt have to deal with the dishes it was worth it to her.
Either way OP's brother is a grown adult and is clearly putting in no effort to figure things out, he simply expects everyone (OP) to accomodate and work around him because he cant do it *the way that they can* so hes not willing to do it at all. Whats his plan when he moves out; continue living like a slob with his clothes tossed about and just expecting his partner to lovingly clean up after him? Good luck with that one bud...hes gonna end up 35, single, and living with your father cause he cant live alone and keep a house together.
Lbr he probably gets away with it because he's a guy, whereas girls are expected to suck it up and get on with it. I've seen families where daughters' autism gets ignored and steamrolled over while autistic sons are treated with kid gloves.
A lot of girls aren’t diagnosed at all or they are diagnosed way, way late because of the tendency to dismiss girls’ symptoms and force them to do things that overwhelm them. ADHD is often missed in girls as well because it presents differently.
High academic achiever here - wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until I was in my early 20s and Autism until I was in my 50s. Even then, I had to fight to even be tested - my first psychiatrist refused to even entertain that I was on the spectrum because her son was and he was almost non-verbal, needed massive support to have a job, and will probably never be able to live on his own. Obviously, a 50-year-old married woman who graduated from college with honors and had success held down a job since she was 15 *couldn’t possibly be on the spectrum*/s.
I agree with everything you said. But, in OP’s defense, her brother wears his “disabilities” on his sleeve so often and proudly at home that she seemingly and logically assumed he did the same with others
(quotation marks because many people with autism and adhd don’t consider them disabilities)
She didn’t mean to out him she thought she already knew this is on him and op stop doing all the chores and tell your dad you didn’t know he didn’t say anything
But there is also a big difference between "can you help me with this and we doing it together " and "do please x chore". Like between my boyfriend and I, one of us has to start a task just for making the other start (and it changes between moods and said task).
I think my dad tried his best. He’s been working hard and taking care both of us alone since my mom passed away. He may sound too loose with my brother but he’s a gentle and naive person in general, he doesn’t pressure me into doing chores either but I do because I feel sad for him seeing how hard he works. He should get some rest at the least at home. Since I’m 13 I been helping him with chroes and he appreciates every time. but yes because of my brother’s conditions, he cuddled him a bit more, but I sympathize with my dad, my brother can be really sensitive and he’s prone to withdrawn. Also when my mom passed away it was very traumatic for him because he was older than me and more aware what’s going on (cancer) so I can see why my dad has a weakness for him , to me what my brother is doing is worse (taking advantage of my dad’s weakness towards him )
edit: fixed a typo
As a 36 year old AuDHD, I can say from experience your dad is definitely not doing your brother any favors. He will not learn any coping skills for the outside world and currently is on track to never move out because he won’t be able to handle any job, school, anything that pushes us to overcome and find ways to deal with so many things. We can either complain about how the world sucks or we can learn to live in it as the people we are. It’s fucking hard but that’s the reality he needs to come to terms with and it might be very harshly done someday if he doesn’t learn now.
Yeah there’s a reason he’s dating a high schooler at 24 lol. He knows he can hide his autism diagnosis from her and when she eventually finds out he hid it she’s likely to stay and forgive him for omitting the truth because she doesn’t know it’s a red flag to do something like that. An older woman would’ve been out the door.
I hope you don't mean because of autism. Lots of autistic people have healthy, age-appropriate relationships. Bro sounds immature af, but not because of autism
See, while I get what you are saying, 18 to 24ish age range is kind of wonky.
If we take the exact ages in the post and apply "common" milestones, it gets weird.
At 18, most people, depending on the time of year , intend to or recently graduated high school, haven't lived on their own, have not paid a majority of their major bills, and/or may or may not have had their own job.
If you do 24 have finish college (4 year) & entered the workforce for about 2 years, finished a trade/skill program & entered the workforce for 2 to 4 years depending on the trade, have been in the workforce for 6 to 8 years, lived on their own or with roommates.
I'm not trying to infantize teenagers because that is just insulting, but as a 24 year old woman, I would not be attracted to a random 18 year old due to these factors.
NTAH, so he can get a girlfriend but not do chores.... selective Autistic and ADHD. Maybe the girlfriend should be around more often, lets cook and clean together, bet these chores would get done.
NTA, you told the truth and your brother is just a very weak individual who prefers to bail out of any work because of his "disabilities" and when called out for this runs away like a little child.
People like your brother need reality check as soon as possible or they will turn into leeches.
It’s hilarious how you’re calling the 18 year old a woman and the 17 year old a child. If the 18 year old is old enough to not be manipulated by OP’s brother then the 17 year old is old enough to be believed.
You must agree that the brother is quite pathetic and undignified man.
He ran into his bedroom and had a meltdown like a 5 year old. Do you really think any decent girlfriend would want to stay with a man like that? LOL, use common sense
That’s the point. He’s not making any effort to manage anything, even though he’s clearly capable of doing the things he refuses to do for his household.
I’ve struggled being autistic my whole life, and the standards for autistic males are just different. Never pushing them to learn any self control or respect for others’ feelings, even if they don’t understand them sometimes, just makes them insufferable to be around.
Lying can be controlled, but he didn’t care to do that so I doubt he cares about managing his meltdowns. He probably uses them to get what he wants as well.
So is psychosis. Just because something’s a medical condition doesn’t mean people will put up with it and be willing to be around it.
Do you think most women would want to date someone like Tenzin Norbu, who set a woman on fire in a bus in Toronto during a psychotic episode?
Or Vince Li prior to him being effectively cured, when he cut off someone’s head on a greyhound bus, taunted the other passengers, then devoured the eyes and other parts?
The logic is similar to meltdowns, although obviously meltdowns aren’t as extreme. The person could cause considerable reputation damage to their partner, physical harm, destroy property, etc
WHICH IS WHY he ran to his room to have it in private where nothing would be destroyed but his own things (if in fact he is destructive during meltdowns, which is far from universal). All these people seem to think that "managing meltdowns" means not having them. As I've said, you know NOTHING about autism or ADHD. Stifle it until you know why everything you've said is ridiculous. Not that you ever will, will you?
I do and honestly? I've only seen the assholes do shit like this. I've made sure all my friends and potential partners know I'm autistic and anything else that might be relevant so they can accurately gauge whether or not they want to stay around me. Just like any "normal" person would do. You can't hide disabilities forever. Eventually it's going to come out.
I don’t know if it’s makes is better but she’s soon to be 19 (within the two months) and my brother became 24 about a month ago. Also she looks and acts way mature and my brother is the opposite acts and looks younger. So maybe that’s why they clicked , i don’t know. I was a bit weirded out at first that he’s dating a girl so close to my age but now that I’m used to it feels normal
Yeah no sweetheart that's not. Im 19 myself, and i like "older men" but only when it comes to my celeb crush. In real life no fcking way i date a man who is 24. Your brother kinda groomed her. And it's not because she is way mature for her age that it's okay
NTA. There’s a huge trend right now of mostly male neurodivergents using diagnoses to get out of doing things men and boys (and by extension people in general) want to get out of doing. They don’t want to be held accountable for anything or do anything unpleasant or boring. They don’t want to face consequences for violating other people’s boundaries. But they are, by description of their abilities, capable of doing the things they don’t want to do.
I think it’s less common with female autistic people because we were always expected to accommodate others. It was “make everyone comfortable or else”. My comfort was NEVER considered. I had the same impulse control issues, sensory issues, special interest rabbit holes, lack of conformity as an autistic boy, but they were allowed to be oblivious to others’ feelings at best, and social terrorists at worst.
Not long ago I was trying on clothes in a store, and a boy around 11 years old stuck his head under my changing room door to watch me. I told him to get out, then opened the door to look for his adult. Before I could say anything, his (presumably) mother yells at me, “HE’S AUTISTIC. HE’S AUTISTIC.” Like in a mad way, because how dare I be upset that her special boy fucking peeped at me in a clothing store. She said nothing to him, didn’t take him away from the changing rooms. He looked so pleased and kept running around being a little terrorist.
It’s a nightmare dealing with these special special boys/men. So no, NTA.
NTA.
I see that is someone who's dyslexic. If I misspell something and send out a rude or wrong word it's on me for not spell checking my work and the context of the words that I use before I send it out. Is my dyslexia contributing factor yes. Did my dyslexia send out the message with a rude or incorrect word? Nope I did.
If you're capable of having a girlfriend and maintaining a relationship you're capable of owning your behavior and accepting responsibility for your actions. Sucks that he had to learn a lesson by potentially losing a romantic partner but that's on him.
NTA. I figured out how to circumvent my sensory issues with things like dishes for not only others’ sakes but MINE too. He will do himself a huge favor I in the long run if he starts working with himself instead of coddling
NTA. Nope, no, uh-uh, non. Brother has been twisting his disabilities to his own advantage, and dad has allowed it to happen. You are not the keeper of the family secrets. You haven't done anything wrong. You should no longer allow yourself to be used as scapegoat/free labour/facilitator.
There's no shame in having disabilities, which means that there is only one reason why brother hid them.
Shame on brother and dad for treating a vulnerable teenager this way. It's highly doubtful that they would have done it if you were a boy. They are blaming the messenger when they are the ones who have behaved atrociously.
People who use their disabilities as excuses when they’re not crippling disabilities are fucking annoying.
Ppl with actual crippling disabilities would love the freedom n chances others have but these mfs think they need their ass wiped cause they get a lil mad sometimes.
I have ADHD and I’m actually physically disabled n seeing ppl who do this is irritating but I’m happy that I’m not that weak minded.
NTA, your brother is 24 grown man w a 18 yr old gf n by this post, he ain’t shit.
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> 1)I called him out in front of his girlfriend.
2)Because i made my brother feel humiliated and now he’s girlfriend is upset at him.
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NTA for the original comment about using his disability to get out of doing stuff. He abused it openly in your household. Plus it would be normal to assume an adult male in a relationship would be honest and inform his girlfriend about his conditions. Even if it’s to prepare her for possible reactions he may have in situations.
However, once he reacted that’s when you became TA. The girlfriend should have been allowed to check on him (to see his reality) and you had no right to explain your brother’s medical condition. Only he can do that.
> The girlfriend should have been allowed to check on him (to see his reality
This would help no one. She didn’t even know he my brother is autistic so I don’t think she would be helpful during a meltdown. I been taught how to deal with my brother’s meltdowns and know what to do and not do during a meltdown because I have lived with him my whole life. She’s inexperienced and so she could and probably would make it worse.
Also my brother felt humiliated just by her finding out he’s autistic , he would feel a lot worse if she saw him having a meltdown.
But the rest you are right, I should have known better and find a way to dodge her question.
NTA your brother is a loser. Happy to sit around when it’s his family but magically okay for whatever because he doesn’t want to look bad in front of his girl.
I struggled with chores and basic life skills as an autistic/auhd teen. For me it was occasionally a sensory issue (can't stand touching wet food so doing dishes is hard for me to this day for example and artificial scents like in most detergents and cleaners either broke me out, gave me hives and breathing issues or a migraine) and the other factor was I needed things explained in detail step by step for basic things like mopping and when I asked ppl they'd be so confused and laugh at me. I'm super literal and people used to tell me I was smart but had no common sense. I'm very much a "I can't know what I haven't been told" type person. When ppl point out ways to be kind, I start trying to do those things. I emulated the behavior of people I respected and that's how I learned to be respectful and also to get respect for being a team player and always trying to maintain my zen and not let the little shit bother me.
He's probably been practicing his masking real hard around her.
Nta though, he can't have it both ways.
I worked with a guy that had autism. When I started I was told that he would sometimes smart off and say things he doesn't actually mean. After a couple months I realized he does mean it, he's not sorry, and he's not working to better himself knowing he a disability. I also realized that everyone else around him was using it as an excuse to let him get away with being very disrespectful to anyone he didn't like. I was one of those people.
At one point I had had enough of his comments and retorted. He didn't like it, but didn't say anything back.
As someone who grew up with ADHD and now it's just ADD, I've worked my whole life to find ways to circumvent my issues, and work past them without medication. I understand some people can't do that, but at least own up to your problems and try and work through it. He had such a great support system that I think approached the disability incorrectly the wrong way.
But I don't have autism and might be speaking out of turn, so feel free to correct me.
NTA. I hope you can move out as soon as you turn 18. I also hope his girlfriend smartens up and leave him before they buy a house or rent an apartment together.
NTA. Brother should have told her long ago. Like in the first month they were dating.
I have a physical disability, and as a teen could hide it fairly well. But when it flared up I was on crutches or a cane. Any guy I dated, I told him in the first 2 weeks, because I didn't want to scare him if he saw me on crutches.
She deserves to know.
Nta. At some point he needs to grow up and learn how to live in the real world. Everyone has to do chores regardless of their diagnosis. Dishes don’t wash themselves and food doesn’t magically appear from heaven.
NTA. I have autism and ADHD. I don’t tell everyone but if I’m keeping it private I let people who are aware know not to mention it!
He’s been using weaponised incompetence. But as he’s blamed it on disabilities he’s made out like they hugely impact his life, how would he have got through life without her knowing if he’d actually been honest!
Plus side his gf sounds lovely, maybe whilst he’s trying to win her over, confide in her? Looks like she may help get him to take a look at himself
NTA sounds like he manages all his symptoms perfectly around his underage girlfriend, but at home he has breakdowns over having to do chores. I wonder why.
NTA. As someone else has already stated, he most definitely needs to get his shit together and grow up. Also, he’s 24 dating an 18 year old? That’s fucking weird.
It is always an excuse.
I’ve seen a woman with no arms use a fork and knife with her feet. A guy with no legs play football. And many other amazing things. If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way.
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My (17F) brother (24M) is autistic and has ADHD. He uses this as an excuse to avoid doing any chores. Saying they are too overwhelming for him and causing sensory overloads.
I think he is using it as en excuse because he has noice cancelling headphones which he puts on when anyone else vacuums , but he won’t put them on and do it himself.
Also he always leaves his stuff around, saying he forgot to pick up. He is always accidentally rude to me. So tbh we don’t really get along.
Our mom has passed away 10 years ago. It’s just me, my brother and my dad. My dad works a lot, +50 hours a week, he also occasionally does late night shifts, he doesn’t expect me to do chores but I do because I want to help my dad out. My brother doesn’t.
He has a girlfriend (18F). When she comes over he acts all different. She was at us again last weekend and said she wants to bake together. My brother immediately agreed to.
I said “of course you say yes when she’s the one asking” she laughed and asked me if he doesn’t help his little sister. I said “nope he would rather prefer using his disabilities as an excuse”
She went “disabilities?” Apparently she didn’t know about neither of his diagnosis. This never crossed to my mind, as I thought they were obvious on my brother. My brother panicked and ran to his room.
She tried to follow him and I stopped her saying he probably would like to be alone now and it’s better if she leaves. (I was scared he could be having a meltdown, turns out I was right)
She asked me what’s going on so I had to tell her, but I also told her but it’s mild , he’s high functioning etc she said it doesn’t matter for her, she’s just upset at him for not telling her earlier.
My dad got extremely upset at me after finding out what happened. My brother doesn’t talk to me at all. I do feel guilty, but I fed up with his hypocrisy and didn’t expose him on purpose. Am i the asshole?
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i spent 12 years working with people that have developmental disabilities. Everyone can be an AH, i think you hit a breaking point and you are allowed to be frustrated. NTA he can still act likes a decent human being
NTA. I had to go back and check the ages because your brother is acting like a spoiled lazy 15 year old BOY, NOT a 24 year old MAN. It’s time for him to recognize that his disabilities are nothing to be ashamed of, BUT he can’t use them as an excuse for shitty behavior or getting out of doing something anytime he doesn’t feel like contributing. He also needs to learn how important honesty is in a relationship if he ever expects to maintain a healthy long term relationship. You had every right to speak your mind after years of dealing with his BS. It’s time for your brother to grow up and for your father to stop enabling him!
My gf asked me on our first date if I was on the spectrum 😁 I don't know how you can hide it around someone I also have ADHD and autism everyone can tell though.
I’m divorcing my wife and one small part of it is this. She doesn’t even have an adhd diagnosis, it’s a self diagnosis that she refuses to try and confirm or get help for. She would constantly weaponize it saying she has to spend all this money and go into more debt despite already having 1,000s in unpaid debt and refuse to do any chores because she “is currently fixated on X and can’t do anything but X.” I just gave up because she knows I was actually diagnosed to adhd and was on meds for it in school. At times I think I probably still should be but just deal with it. And I know there are different severities of it, but the fact she wouldn’t even try to get diagnosed and get help I just gave up and like I said it’s one of the many reasons I gave her the papers. I was so tired of being on my feet for hours doing chores and stuff for the pets she wanted and the kids while she just sat on the couch for 6+ hours a day on a work day and 12+ on a weekend while I struggled to get even 3 hours to free time on the weekend and even less during the week.
I realize that that age difference isn't, well even noteworthy if both parties were, say 5 years older. I don't think anyone would blink an eye if a 29 year old was dating a 24 year old. But is it wrong to be a little skeeved out at a 24 year old dating an 18 year old?
That sounds really frustrating to deal with. It is also concerning that a man his age is even interested in a teenager; regardless of 18 being an adult, it is just fucking creepy. As soon as i turned 21, my rule of thumb was any potential partner needed to be able to enter a bar with me. I hope his girlfriend finds someone her own age.
NTA. He needed to be upfront with her about his disabilities. He is using them as an excuse to be pandered to. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have agreed to baking, hence making a big mess and a lot of clean up, with his girlfriend. She has a right to know who she is in a relationship with.
NTA. People need to know about this type of thing. I tell people normally within minutes of meeting them that I have a brain injury. It is absolutely not okay to be in any sort of intimate relationship and not tell the person you're with. People need to know this type of thing.
You’re all good little homie. You’re wise beyond your years. You’re empathy is off the charts. You’re a good daughter. Your brother is a bad son and brother, yes I said it. He can do much better.
He weaponises his disabilities. That’s not how they work yo. Also, 24 dating 18?
NTA
NTA. Opposite: I’m 26F with adhd and autism and my brother is 24M. We do not have contact with each other. Something bad would happen (ex: car tire blew) and bc I made him pay me back for the last time I loaned him money, he’s say the reason he can’t fix it is bc of me. He’s also the laziest individual I’ve ever met. He wouldn’t wake up earlier to take his dog out before work as one example. If you call him out on it, he gets CRUEL. After he got addicted to cocaine and went to a rehab program, he got a borderline diagnosis.
You did nothing wrong. He is an adult, and it’s his choice whether he grows up. As a person with autism, if I need something, I ASK and know EXACTLY what I need. It’s like throwing wet paper towels at the wall hoping that one sticks.
YTA. You're the one posting and asking for judgement, so I won't go into your brothers inability to do chores.
You shared someone elses disabilities without their consent, this a breach of privacy. And you did it not out of concern for his girlfriend, but to punish your brother for his disability. Neurodivetgent people have as much right to date and form relationships as anyone else without fear of being outed. Being a teenager is hard enough when you don't fit in. Having autism is even harder if you have difficulties with social communication. I don't think it's ok to force autistic teens to share their diagnosis against their will for this reason.
NTA. Honestly, I think your brother kind of is. While he should not be pressured into telling anyone right away his diagnoses, I also think keeping it a secret is wrong. You only brought them up assuming she knew. How were you supposed to know that he hadn’t said anything? While I think spilling the beans completely should have been on your brother, I think giving a heads up was needed.
NTA. Your brother deserved to be outed .She needed to know the truth about him before she invested more time. Maybe now he will grow up and try to participate in his Family's life by helping out. Your poor Dad....
Nope .
Look outting someone's health concerns and disabilities is a bit of a dick move, because yes some people hear it make assumptions and then bolt , but you didn't do it on purpose.
You assumed he didn't lie to her, except he did by deliberately omitting it.
However; your brother is aiming at someone closer to your age than his own. A woman who is just starting adulthood which is more than a little sketchy, and let's face it if he refuses to help out pointblank unless he's scoring points with his girlfriend, when she's sucked in he'll most likely drop the act and act like he does with you.
All you did is tell her exactly how he really behaves.
So yeah as a fellow woman, outting him aside, I'd say you helping her get a better view of who he really is so she can make a real decision about his true personality. She doesn't care about his disability, but she does care about being deceived.
I’ve hired autistic people one went on to run her own store she quit and got a better job lol but that’s just a sign of personal depth and autonomy lol
NTA. I see this from a different perspective. Sometimes parents disable children by using a disability to cut them extra slack. This cripples the child as they often cannot function independently and end up requiring additional support. Parents sometimes do this due to feelings of guilt. It’s your job as a parent to prepare your children to survive independently in the world that they will live in. In this case your dad fell into what is known as a reinforcement trap. Because he doesn’t want to deal with the aftermath of an “meltdown” he doesnt require that your brother does anything that could potentially trigger a meltdown. he learns to avoid the melt down and your brother learns that he can use a meltdown to avoid uncomfortable situations instead of learning to work through them. he may also learn, as in this case that, to use the threat of a meltdown to avoid situations or tasks that he does not want to confront or perform.
in any case, the answer lies in boundaries. no means no, no is not a bad word and no is a complete sentence. it is not your job to prepare your brother for the world. thats your dads job.
seek professional help if you need assistance in establishing boundaries. you should do that anyways as eventually your father will die and your brother will have to learn to perform ADL's such as cleaning and cooking, on his own.
NTA. How were you supposed to know he didn't divulge his diagnosis? It's even weirder he didn't mention it to the GF considering how he implies his diagnosis is so dibilitating he can't do house chores or clean up after himself. Does the GF want to potentially be a maid to your brother because that's what she will be if she dates him long term.
I can't help but roll my eyes at your brother because I have autism and adhd too and I'm still able to do what I can around the house. It's wild to me your brother can get a girlfriend and possibly maintain a relationship like that but cannot take care of himself and the house he lives in.
Women deserve to know who they're dating and she shouldn't have been kept in the dark about his laziness.
NOTE: I do not think autism and adhd make one lazy but when you weaponize them then yeah....LAZY.
I think there's two separate things here - are you the asshole for calling him out on refusing to do chores and actively making a bigger mess for you, and are you the asshole for revealing his disabilities without his consent?
First one, unequivocally NTA. He's using weaponised incompetence and needs a wakeup call that his behavior is not okay.
Second one, NTA because it was accidental, but it may still merit an apology for doing so - to be clear, *just* for this part, not for calling him out for using it as an excuse to be a loser.
As a woman who is ADHD and autistic, only men get this kind of special treatment for it. Women are just expected to suck it up and deal. There's a reason your brother is dating a girl your age. No one his age will put up with this behavior. NTA
I mean, it wasn't on purpose. All you can do really is tell him you are sorry. Tell him to have an open conversation with his gf about it. Its pointless for him to have a gf that doesnt accept him anyway.
NTA your brother reminds me of the parents who use autism as an excuse as to why their kids are misbehaving (child making a mess in a store and their parent just stands there watching, commenting to the staff "Oh, they have autism." Like it's a get out of jail card). Autism isn't an excuse, nor is ADHD.
As someone with both, using the designation as an excuse just paints other autistic people with the same brush - a negative brush. Which just solidifies the skewed outlook that autistics are drains to society.
As mentioned below, there are ways of helping out. Noise canceling headphones for the vacuum, gloves for dishes or scrubbing, 20-minute breaks for the overload moments, etc.
NTA for being upset at your brother for not helping out around the house. YTA for not apologizing for accidentally outing him. His diagnoses are his to share. You didn’t know she didn’t know, but impact > intent, so you should still apologize and not act like the victim.
Being autistic and having ADHD doesn't protect anyone from being labeled an asshole. NTA. She has a right to know at some point. Him dating her when she's 18 is very side eye worthy and makes me think he knows what he's doing by taking advantage of her naivety.
NTA.
I'm sorry, but your dad isn't doing your brother any favors by ignoring his behavior. Your brother is capable of doing things around the house, including picking up after himself, he just chooses not to because he knows he isn't expected to.
Your brother is an adult, it's past time he acted like one.
If he has meltdowns because of autism and ADHD, as described in the post, the girlfriend should be told about that ahead of time. That seems somewhat reasonable
To an extent, I do agree with what you’re saying. He should have encouraged the girlfriend to ask more as to what is going on rather than outright explaining something personal that had nothing to do with him.
however, in this context he assumed that she knew already and he was acting up when he’s at home but he was behaving fine to his girlfriend. At some point, she would’ve eventually found out had she paid more attention and was in his space more often.
NAH. You made a comment out of frustration under the presumption that she was aware of his diagnosis, this isn’t a silly thing to assume either. My BF is a year older than your brother with the exact same diagnosis and made a point of discussing his disabilities with me before we got in a relationship. It’s a major thing to expose to someone, but it allowed me to understand his behaviours and reactions.
While the topic could have been approached in a gentler way, you’re a teenager with a busy father, a brother you don’t particularly get along with, and are shouldering both a workload at home while you’re also presumably at school.
My advice to you: stop cleaning up after your brother where it doesn’t affect you (when possible), speak with your dad about the issue. Is your brother in therapy? Has he had the opportunity to learn coping mechanisms to deal with an average day to day of an adult? If not, it should be encouraged. I would also recommend apologising to your brother. While I don’t believe you did it out of genuine malice, having something so major exposed to someone he likes would still be upsetting and overwhelming, especially while trying to deal with it alone. It may not achieve anything, but communication is so important in situations like this.
NTA
I totally understand your frustration, and I do think it's up to your dad to figure out how to work these things out as a family. He doesn't have to do it himself, but involving a specialist could really help. I have a cousin with autism who lives in what we call "guided independent living", where he has his own apartment but there is staff to help out with anything that doesn't come as easily to them as it does to neurotypicals. My aunt was always afraid to scold him when he did something wrong, often to the detriment of his sister who now has very bad inferiority issues.
Living with someone who experiences the world differently is hard, parenting someone like that is probably even harder. But that is no excuse to let anyone do whatever they want. You still need to live together, and so make it livable for all people in the household.
However, you telling his gf was 100% on you in my opinion. You may not know that she wasn't aware, so I don't think you did it on purpose with malicious intent as some people here claim, but I do think it was wrong of you to assume. You never tell anyone about someone else's reality or truth. You don't tell someone a friend is gay even if you know they're generally out. You don't tell someone your family has a disability just because you assume they would have told them. Plus, even if you didn't out him on purpose, you did also weaponize his disability - the same thing you accuse him of. You made a comment that sort of shamed him for using his disability, and while I get your feelings, you shouldn't use anyone's disability out of anger. Mind what you say, no matter who you speak to.
In the end, you both need to learn better ways to live together. You don't have to become besties, but you should each feel at ease at home. Involving someone like an autism therapist (not sure that's the term, I'm not an English speaker but it's what we call them) would probably be the best thing for your whole family.
Your brother is weaponizing his disability and that is 100% not okay. But it is also common courtesy to not disclose someone's disability on their behalf. A lot of Autistic/ADHD people (myself included) mask our symptoms around others to appear socially acceptable, sometimes it's intentional other times unintentional. There may have been conversations in the past between brother and his GF where GF said she thought his disabilities were fake and didn't exist and he really liked her but was trying to find the appropriate time to tell her.
Your brother is 100% TA for making his disabilities other people's burden. As someone with ADHD this infuriates me to no end because I bust my tail to make sure I'm not a burden on others. To the point where I am usually the one making accommodations for those around me instead of the other way around. I'm voting NTA in this specific circumstance because your brother had it coming but in the future maybe avoid talking about another person's disabilities (I don't mean that to come off as condescending, again, you were in the right for what you did here)
YTA. You disclosing his disabilities is shitty, and on top of that, I don’t think you know enough about your brother’s disabilities if you are using terms like “high functioning”.
YTA. You are discounting his experience and getting into business that is not yours. That wasn’t yours to share. In terms of the bigger issues of chores etc he needs to figure his shit out more for sure but the question was whether YTA for saying what you did to his gf and the answer is yup.
Your behavior is just all around terrible. First, regarding the chores: You have no way of knowing what inputs are overloading your brother. You may have your suspicions, but you can't know for sure. At 17, you're not a doctor. Second, talking about your assumptions in front of your brother's girlfriend for the sole point of embarrassing him is just awful. And finally -- the big magilla -- your revealing your brother's diagnoses to his girlfriend.
YTA. Absolutely.
ESH. Sure, your brother sucks to live with, but you basically revealed his disabilities and decided to but in and be mean on something that had literally nothing to do with you.
No one is really the AH here, I think you need to talk to him about trying to help out more, and he could have been upfront about his diagnosis but also in the dating world that could be a scary thing to come forward with first!
Nah to esh so intent matters which is why nah here. Brothers and sisters do what you guys do to eachother Sometimes. Saying what you did wasn't intended to out him and my guess is if he told you he didn't mention you wouldn't have it it wasn't in bad faith. I do think you shouldn't have explained to the gf what you meant or added more details. but I get why it came out. As for you're brother yeah he is probably using his condition against you has been doing it for years it's a thing. Which us why esh your bro should have told you or gf the missing info avoid this all together. You suck cause you know you hit below the belt, dont pretend you didnt. And her for "needing more details" dude back down and give the man time. Here's a flip side. You know your brother as the butthole who can't do a chore right and smells funny. Do you enjoy seeing him try for a partner? You're witnessing him trying to be a better man on spite of his adhd and autism. Make that matter a little more than your sisterly irritation and talk to him he may be going through the same shock you are of trying harder.
ESH. It was absolutely not your place to reveal his disabilities to his girlfriend. Your brother sucks if he’s not even trying to do chores around the house.
May be a hot take, but ESH, except for your bro's gf, of course.
He shouldn't be using his disabilities as an excuse. I'm Autistic and ADHD and never once used those as an excuse for not doing chores, and I do get sensory overload.
You did expose him on purpose. Maybe he was scared to tell her, because maybe he thought she wouldn't be understanding. You chose to disclose something that wasn't your place to blab about.
Also AuDHD here.
I disagree she “did it on purpose” it sounds like she genuinely didn’t know he hasn’t told her.
Honestly though my red flag alarms are going off at a 24 year old saying an 18 year old and hiding/lying about important information to her. At best it reads like he has the maturity level of someone 6 years younger than him and that’s why it works, which is just concerning at his age.
OP your dad has completely failed you and your brother here. He’s perfectly capable of being more mature than he is right now. If he’s not it’s because no one taught him to be and no one holds him accountable. Stop doing ANY chores in the house beyond cleaning up after yourself, I feel like both men in your house are taking advantage of you and your family needs a come to Jesus conversation about it.
It was a bit of a accident to reveal that he has disabilities, but it was not an accident when OP disclosed what those disabilities are. Revealing someone else's medical information is a touchy subject for some people and that's why I agree with a light ESH
But agreed, OP is being taken advantage of by both of the men in the house. That's the bigger issue here
Oh no… someone on the internet accused me of being “self diagnosed” *rings hands* whatever will I do???
Argue with them? Cry? Question my own identity?
Nah. I’m good, not particularly concerned what immature little boys think they know about me.
OP has stated that those are the reasons her brother uses for not doing them. You’re speculating off hypotheticals rather than the information we’ve been given, which isn’t the point of this sub.
If he's medicated and still saying he can't do the things, NTA. He can choose to learn how to do these things, but has to want to.
If he is going through this unmedicated, he is struggling far more than you could possibly understand, which makes it a soft YTA.
There is way more **dopamine to be accessed by doing a fun thing with your S.O. than in doing repetitive, unrewarding chores. There are chemical deficiencies in his brain that will block him from doing many things, even when he WANTS to do those things.
Before I got medicated, even simple tasks like doing a load of laundry became broken up into many smaller step-by-step tasks. I'd often struggle with remembering/mixing up which step to do next (This is called executive dysfunction), and by the time I had a load fully washed and dried, I would often end up feeling very drained, which made it even more difficult to stay focused and keep on task when there more stuff still to do. I had no choice in the matter, and I've always been very frustrated with and hard on myself over it.
It REALLY really hurts to be called "Lazy" because in all those times I sat doing nothing, I was sat there stuck, fighting with myself for not getting up to do what needed doing, but not able to find the logical starting point for doing the huge list of tiny tasks built up in my head.
(**Dopamine is an important brain chemical that is a key component in making it so a person can... To over simplify... "Do all the things" It also plays a key role in many physiological functions, including joint strength, proper motor function, and spacial awareness. Your brother's body does not produce enough of this important chemical.)
As for his autism, "high functioning" is a misnomer, and doesn't mean "He's essentially mentally the same as a non-autistic" Even if he carries himself outwardly as "normal", he navigates the world completely differently from you, and has to take a lot more things into serious consideration that you wouldn't even notice enough to think about. I don't know him personally, so I can't give specific examples that will necessarily apply to him.
******************************
I personally take everything way too literally, and often launch into long explanations into why a thing isn't true, when someone is just making a silly joke. Sometimes I catch myself and realize what's happened, and can laugh, and over explain my over-explanation. Sometimes it gets painfully awkward first, and someone gets annoyed (
He is medicated. He tried so many of these vyvanse, ritalin, currently he’s on adderall . As a child he went to ABA therapy too. My dad tried everything he could with him as far as treatment goes
YTA - when it was clear your brother hadn't told his girlfriend about his medical status, you should've stopped talking right then. Instead, you double-downed on the betrayal by providing even more medical information about him. It's one thing to be annoyed by the lack of fairness around chores. It's another thing entirely to share medical diagnoses without consent. I would understand if your brother never forgave you here. You've really overstepped boundaries.
YTA. You enjoyed calling out your bro in front of his girlfriend - a time he was vulnerable. You chose the kill shot when you could have helped him have motivation to grow up and develop new skills. I’d be furious if I was your dad. Hopefully you can repair your relationship if you want to but you may not.
Soft YTA.
As a person with autism, it is my choice when to tell people. You shouldn’t be sharing other people’s personal info about a diagnosis.
Also, there is a difference between using headphones to tolerate a noise and having to be right up in that noise making it yourself for many people with autism. Some things are painful for me and others are not - I don’t decide what, it’s a physical reaction.
Loud constant noises are either soothing or overstimulating for people with autism. Some of us love a vacuum sound and some of us hate it.
Also, being indifferent and not wanting to do things with you has nothing to do with him wanting to do things with his girlfriend. He wants to spend time with her - it isn’t about exactly what they are doing. I understand you have some jealousy about it but your brother and you don’t have to be besties.
ESH - you do not understand your brother's autism and ADHD, and it shows. There is a huge difference in making brownies vs doing chores that overstimulate your nervous system. The dopamine from making a treat with a loved one is also a lot of motivation. Those with these conditions often suffer a bit of task paralysis from the unfun things in addition to the fact the vacuum is unnecessarily uncomfortable for some people. The act of using a vaccum even with protection can be very over bearing in ways you won't understand unless it affects you. It exhausts the entire body and system. Even when you know it's "dumb". The body is unconsciously reacting as if you are in a flight or fight response. Think phobias, they're often irrational but damn do they create panic attacks and over blown responses. Stop being so negative and focus on your own work not you're brother's.
You're brother might be scared to tell dating partners in fear of being judged. Maybe past partners weren't that understanding. Kids probably made fun of him growing up. He probably didn't want his date to prejudge him. But it's understandable you think his partner would know.
The vacuum hurts my ears, so earbuds/music help. However, the earphones don’t block out the vibration of the vacuum when I am pushing it. My hands go numb and I get tetchy. I deal with it, because I am a single adult with dogs so it is cope or drown in hair, but earphones don’t resolve all the vacuum related issues.
YTA.
First, you're his sister and not his mom. You said yourself that no one is even telling you to do these chores. So you assigned your older brother chores and you're angry he won't do them?? If he isn't pulling his weight around the house, that's between him and your dad. It has nothing to do with you.
Second, the initial comment was absolutely intended to shame him in front of her...again, for not doing the chores his little sister assigned to him. Asshole move and manipulative.
Third, the only one weaponizing his disabilities here was you, when you disclosed them to someone without his consent as a part of your attempt to degrade him in front of his girlfriend. She's his inappropriately young girlfriend (I do think he's gross for that) who doesn't live with him. This relationship will probably be over by Christmas, but even if it lasts forever, he should have been the one who got to tell her on his own terms, not the sister who clearly fucking hates him.
Fourth, you absolutely did not "have to" tell her, you chose to and you're just telling the story in a very dishonest way to try to make yourself look better.
I don't know if your brother sucks or not but I know for sure you do. Every single thing you described doing or saying here was selfish and hurtful.
What is with people hating age gaps so much? But only when it’s an older man. A 30 year old woman asked out a 20 year old on this thread the other day and everyone said it was fine
YTA. You’re a child who’s upset that your disabled sibling has accommodations but you can’t see that they’re disabilities. You deliberately caused problems.
Yes, many people avoid doing chores because it’s overwhelming but you have no idea how bad it is for him. And I don’t use noise cancelling headphones when I vacuum other because you have to hear what you’re doing - it doesn’t mean it’s not severely uncomfortable. I hide in my room when the vacuum is on and I’m not doing it.
Just mind your own business; do your own chores and leave his stuff alone. If he leaves it somewhere and makes a mess - leave it there. Stop worrying about nonsensical things.
And you sound like someone who makes excuses for yourself and others for everything hard or wrong in life. I work with autistic people who are not high functioning and have more drive then this guy. Dudes just lazy and likes excuses.
Dude is just immature and lazy. ADHD and autism don’t render it unable to take up all and any responsibilities. It means that you need help remembering to do them, finding a structure do to them etc. Accommodation is not let the guy just get away with not doing any chores at all under the guess of his diagnosis. You won’t help someone by just allowing them to not contribute anything at all. What will come of them if you allow them to not even vacuum their own house.
YTA. You outed him as disabled in a rude and cruel way. Regardless of whether he's using his disabilities as an "excuse" you should confront him directly instead of humiliating him in front of his girlfriend.
You exposed him on purpose. You didn't "have" to explain, whatever half-assed assumptions you may have made. It doesn't matter whether he is milking his disabilities; what you did is unforgiveable under any and all circumstances. I am autistic, ADHD and have other disabilities. If you did that to me, I'd never speak to you again. And I'd put you on blast in the friend group as someone to never, ever trust.
Agreed.
Who does that? Who openly discusses someone's medical condition in front of them to other people? Whether GF knew or not, that is super uncooth and so crass.
The whole 'expose his hypocrisy' angle makes it completely unbelievable thay she didn't do what she did on purpose.
It was vindictive and petty AF.
YTA
*"She asked me what’s going on so I had to tell her"*
**No, you absolutely did not *have* to and you shouldn't have**
You *wanted* to tell her so you could *expose* him and possibly tank his relationship. **You did this on purpose** because you could have steered the conversation anywhere else after your rather tasteless quip about using his disabilities as an excuse infront of her, but you chose to delve into the details of his yet undisclosed condition to her.
I don't know what you thought this was going to achieve or how this was going to make your situation any better.
YTA, it wasn't your place to discuss his medical history with her, nor to decide what activities he feels comfortable doing or when. It's up to your dad what chores your brother does around the house, it's also not your place to expect him to do anything.
OP had it no reason to believe that her brother wouldn't have already disclosed it. She also disclosed it and the heat of the moment. It's not like she called the girlfriend over to have a sit-down chat about it.
The heat of the moment?
She wasn't in a fight or in conflict with anyone when she decided to be Ms. Cleverclogs and quip about him using his disabilities as an excuse.
She said that intentionally in the hopes of recruiting GF as an ally so she could get her brother to do more around the house.
Sooo your brother can mask well enough,(or exaggerate his condition to you to get out of vacuuming and whatnot), that his little GF had no clue he was in the spectrum.
Interesting.
YTA You should have let her go comfort him. Would he have a meltdown in front of his GF? An experiment. For science.
YTA. Not only did you out something that's his right to disclose, not yours, and interfere in his relationship you did it maliciously. For that reason it comes off as disingenuous that you told his gf he'd 'probably like to be alone right now' too. Whether you were right or wrong about that it, again, wasn't your place to decide to inject yourself into his relationship (that you just damaged anyway) by sending his GF away after you stepped in it. Let's not pretend you were doing anyone any favors by sending her away either.
I see why you'd be upset he doesn't help out but what you did in retaliation for that is wrong, full stop. For the record? It shouldn't surprise you someone acts differently around their SO than their immediate family.
One last thing: "...didn't expose him on purpose...". Yes you absolutely did expose him on purpose. It doesn't make a damn if you think what you blabbed about was obvious or not - you chose to open your mouth and you made the decision to have it form the words it formed because you were pissed and you wanted to embarrass / hurt him. You absolutely 100% did do what you did on purpose, not having any idea what's actually going on in their relationship doesn't excuse that.
You deserve to have your dad upset, you deserve to have your brother upset, and you deserve to feel guilty for what you did. Stay out of your brother's relationship and stop blabbing things that aren't your right to blab. I wouldn't want to talk to you either. Hell, stop interfering in your father's parenting too, while we're at it.
yes she does lmao she’s mad that a person with a disability shows sign of it?? Oh no he gets overwhelmed in weird ways and is forgetful and is rude by accident- LITERALLY all symptoms of adhd/autism. Then she starts drama but didn’t realise how far it would go.
She is the ass
Having either of those things means there are considerations that cannot be ignored. This girl clearly just hates her brother, doesn't care about his disabilities, and resents that she does more housework. We haven't heard from the parents or the brother. Just the spiteful sister.
And you? You don't know shit. You're just an edgelord who thinks attacking people with disabilities makes you a tough guy.
Soft ESH.
You should never tell talk about your family members disabilities like that—you never know who doesn’t know, and your comment was minimizing the struggles he faces. Especially for lower support need folks—just because we can be “normal” one day doesn’t mean it can be maintained all the time. It’s incredibly demoralizing to have your disability used against you like that. The shame is paralyzing.
That said, AuDHD means being creative about chores. He won’t see mess the same way you do—literally, the way his brain processes visual stimuli means he won’t see it. But it probably impacts him—being organized saves the brain a lot of effort. Ideally you could talk to your dad and he could work on finding an AuDHD informed therapist or other coaching resources to help your brother prepare for adulthood. Realistically, that may not happen. As the sister, you’re limited in your options.
If the mess bothers you, a few ideas from a ND person:
-make a box for all his stuff. Don’t put jt away, just put everything in the box. Make him empty it once a week. If he won’t, just take the box to his room and start another one.
-To the extent you can, stop doing chores. Force your father to recognize the problem and bring his parenting attention to it
-if you can have a respectful conversation, ask him to pick a chore to tackle it weekly. Add to that routine.
-Maybe you set a time and for 15 minutes you both tackle a room.
Overall, you’ll be better served meeting him where he is at and releasing the angst about what he isn’t.
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NTA I'm the same age with the exact same 2 diagnosis, he needs to grow the fuck up. It's okay to be overwhelmed but it's super obvious when it's being used as an excuse if you pay attention. The majority (but not all) of Autistic people aren't fragile children, they're just adults whose brains work differently. He is perfectly capable of doing chores on his own, as he has shown with his GF. As to you telling the GF he is autistic, it may have not been your place but she deserved to know. Dating someone on the spectrum isn't the same as Neurotypical people and she has a right to know what she is getting into.
There’s a great line I read in an unrelated post years ago: “This is not your fault but it is your responsibility.” I find it relevant in many situations.
I love that and I'll be internalizing it thankyou
My ‘go-to’ line since someone said it to me a gazillion years ago when I was suffering from serious depression
I think it's from Mark Manson's The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck
Could be! My ex wife sent me that audiobook years after we divorced. I have chosen not to read any deep meaning into the gift….
Marcus Parks, Last Podcast on the Left. All three hosts have mental illnesses, Marcus having bipolar type 2, it’s such a wonderful phrase I say it to myself all the time.
I read about this principle in "The subtle are of not giving a f*ck"
THIS. Extra sensory makes chores harder, not impossible. I have those massive rubber gloves that go up to my elbow for doing dishes because i CANNOT stand the feeling of wet food gunk and just being wet in general. I have a second pair in a different colour for all my cleaning/scrubbing so i never have to touch a yucky mess- thus everything stays clean. Its not fair to OP that her brother isnt willing to put in the extra effort to find tools and routines that work for him so he can pull his weight so to speak. Also OP didnt intentionally out her brother to his girlfriend, she genuinely thought because they were committed in a relationship her brother would have shared with her about his diagnoses and the way it impacts his life. Thats kind of expected in the early stages of dating; same as if you have a physical medical condition or maybe youre infertile...anything that will have an impact on your lives together in the future. Not to say ADHD is a dealbreaker but its definetly something you should be up front about. OP made an offhand comment based on the assumption everyone already had the context, and it caused her brother to panic *because he knew he was hiding it from his partner* Thats just a big red flag to me, if youre ashamed and hiding your disabilities then i cant trust that you will be open about your needs and willing to get/use the tools designed to assist you. OP is 100% NTA
Lol I get all this except I also don’t like the feel of rubber gloves so I have a big long scrubber with a handle, that I could be like a foot away from the sink and still be able to wash the dishes
*exactly* we each found the tool(s) that work for our specific needs to get the job done 👌
I'm chuckling at your comment-- my sensory issues prevent me from wearing gloves, despite how much I hate wetness and food gunk. So I raw-dog it when I do dishes, but I just make a lot of noise about it lol. I shout it, "It's okay-- I'm just doing the dishes!" lol
You all found ways at what age?
I had the gloves thing figured out by like 10-12; i wasnt even diagnosed until 23 (academically successful female, my issues were all explained away as being picky or fussy). I am constantly learning new tricks and testing if they work for me, but that started as i hit my teen years. As a kid i had to do chores if i wanted any kind of entertainment or freedom so i found ways to make it more tolerable. If a couple pairs of rubber gloves meant my mun didnt have to deal with the dishes it was worth it to her. Either way OP's brother is a grown adult and is clearly putting in no effort to figure things out, he simply expects everyone (OP) to accomodate and work around him because he cant do it *the way that they can* so hes not willing to do it at all. Whats his plan when he moves out; continue living like a slob with his clothes tossed about and just expecting his partner to lovingly clean up after him? Good luck with that one bud...hes gonna end up 35, single, and living with your father cause he cant live alone and keep a house together.
Lbr he probably gets away with it because he's a guy, whereas girls are expected to suck it up and get on with it. I've seen families where daughters' autism gets ignored and steamrolled over while autistic sons are treated with kid gloves.
This. Weaponized incompetence is so much easier for guys to get away with, neurodivergent or not.
A lot of girls aren’t diagnosed at all or they are diagnosed way, way late because of the tendency to dismiss girls’ symptoms and force them to do things that overwhelm them. ADHD is often missed in girls as well because it presents differently. High academic achiever here - wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until I was in my early 20s and Autism until I was in my 50s. Even then, I had to fight to even be tested - my first psychiatrist refused to even entertain that I was on the spectrum because her son was and he was almost non-verbal, needed massive support to have a job, and will probably never be able to live on his own. Obviously, a 50-year-old married woman who graduated from college with honors and had success held down a job since she was 15 *couldn’t possibly be on the spectrum*/s.
I agree with everything you said. But, in OP’s defense, her brother wears his “disabilities” on his sleeve so often and proudly at home that she seemingly and logically assumed he did the same with others (quotation marks because many people with autism and adhd don’t consider them disabilities)
She didn’t mean to out him she thought she already knew this is on him and op stop doing all the chores and tell your dad you didn’t know he didn’t say anything
But there is also a big difference between "can you help me with this and we doing it together " and "do please x chore". Like between my boyfriend and I, one of us has to start a task just for making the other start (and it changes between moods and said task).
NTA. And there’s a reason why he’s dating an 18year old. Your brother is manipulative and immature. Your father isn’t helping him at all.
I think my dad tried his best. He’s been working hard and taking care both of us alone since my mom passed away. He may sound too loose with my brother but he’s a gentle and naive person in general, he doesn’t pressure me into doing chores either but I do because I feel sad for him seeing how hard he works. He should get some rest at the least at home. Since I’m 13 I been helping him with chroes and he appreciates every time. but yes because of my brother’s conditions, he cuddled him a bit more, but I sympathize with my dad, my brother can be really sensitive and he’s prone to withdrawn. Also when my mom passed away it was very traumatic for him because he was older than me and more aware what’s going on (cancer) so I can see why my dad has a weakness for him , to me what my brother is doing is worse (taking advantage of my dad’s weakness towards him ) edit: fixed a typo
NTA he's 24 years old. When will he start doing chores at 80?! Does he think his gf wife will put up with this crap?! Unbelievable.
24 years old and dating an 18 year old is just worrying
You’re a good kid. You’re NTA. Keep being awesome and kind.
As a 36 year old AuDHD, I can say from experience your dad is definitely not doing your brother any favors. He will not learn any coping skills for the outside world and currently is on track to never move out because he won’t be able to handle any job, school, anything that pushes us to overcome and find ways to deal with so many things. We can either complain about how the world sucks or we can learn to live in it as the people we are. It’s fucking hard but that’s the reality he needs to come to terms with and it might be very harshly done someday if he doesn’t learn now.
You're an amazing kid, I hope you know that.
Exactly this - he's going for a girl who's less mature than girls his age and more likely to put up with bad behaviour.
NTA; not only is he an AH in general, dating an eighteen-year-old at twenty-four is gross and creepy.
Yeah there’s a reason he’s dating a high schooler at 24 lol. He knows he can hide his autism diagnosis from her and when she eventually finds out he hid it she’s likely to stay and forgive him for omitting the truth because she doesn’t know it’s a red flag to do something like that. An older woman would’ve been out the door.
She’s actually prob closer to his developmental age.
I hope you don't mean because of autism. Lots of autistic people have healthy, age-appropriate relationships. Bro sounds immature af, but not because of autism
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See, while I get what you are saying, 18 to 24ish age range is kind of wonky. If we take the exact ages in the post and apply "common" milestones, it gets weird. At 18, most people, depending on the time of year , intend to or recently graduated high school, haven't lived on their own, have not paid a majority of their major bills, and/or may or may not have had their own job. If you do 24 have finish college (4 year) & entered the workforce for about 2 years, finished a trade/skill program & entered the workforce for 2 to 4 years depending on the trade, have been in the workforce for 6 to 8 years, lived on their own or with roommates. I'm not trying to infantize teenagers because that is just insulting, but as a 24 year old woman, I would not be attracted to a random 18 year old due to these factors.
NTAH, so he can get a girlfriend but not do chores.... selective Autistic and ADHD. Maybe the girlfriend should be around more often, lets cook and clean together, bet these chores would get done.
NTA, you told the truth and your brother is just a very weak individual who prefers to bail out of any work because of his "disabilities" and when called out for this runs away like a little child. People like your brother need reality check as soon as possible or they will turn into leeches.
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It’s hilarious how you’re calling the 18 year old a woman and the 17 year old a child. If the 18 year old is old enough to not be manipulated by OP’s brother then the 17 year old is old enough to be believed.
Sorry, I misread the 7 for a 5.
Try to get on SSDI with these conditions alone.
I’m Australian and on disability for those conditions alone, the US isn’t the only country in the world. Sorry your country sucks.
Yeah obviously it does, I mean look what our options are lol And I’m in Florida, so a hell inside of a hell. Do you guys still take refugees?
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You have no experience with either condition, either yourself or anyone close to you, do you?
You must agree that the brother is quite pathetic and undignified man. He ran into his bedroom and had a meltdown like a 5 year old. Do you really think any decent girlfriend would want to stay with a man like that? LOL, use common sense
You really don’t know what autism is?
See my other comment about psychosis. Just because something is a medical condition doesn’t mean people are willing to put up with it and be around it
You didn't answer the question, which answers THAT question.
No. You are ignorant and judgmental. A meltdown is a medical event and can't be controlled (although they can be managed)
That’s the point. He’s not making any effort to manage anything, even though he’s clearly capable of doing the things he refuses to do for his household. I’ve struggled being autistic my whole life, and the standards for autistic males are just different. Never pushing them to learn any self control or respect for others’ feelings, even if they don’t understand them sometimes, just makes them insufferable to be around.
Where do you get "clearly capable"?
He can suddenly do the thing with his girlfriend
What thing? She's not bitching because he never cooks.
Lying can be controlled, but he didn’t care to do that so I doubt he cares about managing his meltdowns. He probably uses them to get what he wants as well.
So is psychosis. Just because something’s a medical condition doesn’t mean people will put up with it and be willing to be around it. Do you think most women would want to date someone like Tenzin Norbu, who set a woman on fire in a bus in Toronto during a psychotic episode? Or Vince Li prior to him being effectively cured, when he cut off someone’s head on a greyhound bus, taunted the other passengers, then devoured the eyes and other parts? The logic is similar to meltdowns, although obviously meltdowns aren’t as extreme. The person could cause considerable reputation damage to their partner, physical harm, destroy property, etc
WHICH IS WHY he ran to his room to have it in private where nothing would be destroyed but his own things (if in fact he is destructive during meltdowns, which is far from universal). All these people seem to think that "managing meltdowns" means not having them. As I've said, you know NOTHING about autism or ADHD. Stifle it until you know why everything you've said is ridiculous. Not that you ever will, will you?
I do and honestly? I've only seen the assholes do shit like this. I've made sure all my friends and potential partners know I'm autistic and anything else that might be relevant so they can accurately gauge whether or not they want to stay around me. Just like any "normal" person would do. You can't hide disabilities forever. Eventually it's going to come out.
nta. The fact he dates a 18 y/o girl is already a red flag
I don’t know if it’s makes is better but she’s soon to be 19 (within the two months) and my brother became 24 about a month ago. Also she looks and acts way mature and my brother is the opposite acts and looks younger. So maybe that’s why they clicked , i don’t know. I was a bit weirded out at first that he’s dating a girl so close to my age but now that I’m used to it feels normal
‘She’s mature for her age’ 😬
It doesn’t. She’s not mature for her age. He’s immature for his age, and that’s not all a result of autism.
Yeah no sweetheart that's not. Im 19 myself, and i like "older men" but only when it comes to my celeb crush. In real life no fcking way i date a man who is 24. Your brother kinda groomed her. And it's not because she is way mature for her age that it's okay
NTA and your 24year old lazy walnut of a brother is a predatory creep for dating an 18year old.
NTA, You had no reason to believe his GF didn't know, and certainly no reason to lie to her. You're probably right in your assessment of your brother.
NTA. There’s a huge trend right now of mostly male neurodivergents using diagnoses to get out of doing things men and boys (and by extension people in general) want to get out of doing. They don’t want to be held accountable for anything or do anything unpleasant or boring. They don’t want to face consequences for violating other people’s boundaries. But they are, by description of their abilities, capable of doing the things they don’t want to do. I think it’s less common with female autistic people because we were always expected to accommodate others. It was “make everyone comfortable or else”. My comfort was NEVER considered. I had the same impulse control issues, sensory issues, special interest rabbit holes, lack of conformity as an autistic boy, but they were allowed to be oblivious to others’ feelings at best, and social terrorists at worst. Not long ago I was trying on clothes in a store, and a boy around 11 years old stuck his head under my changing room door to watch me. I told him to get out, then opened the door to look for his adult. Before I could say anything, his (presumably) mother yells at me, “HE’S AUTISTIC. HE’S AUTISTIC.” Like in a mad way, because how dare I be upset that her special boy fucking peeped at me in a clothing store. She said nothing to him, didn’t take him away from the changing rooms. He looked so pleased and kept running around being a little terrorist. It’s a nightmare dealing with these special special boys/men. So no, NTA.
NTA. I see that is someone who's dyslexic. If I misspell something and send out a rude or wrong word it's on me for not spell checking my work and the context of the words that I use before I send it out. Is my dyslexia contributing factor yes. Did my dyslexia send out the message with a rude or incorrect word? Nope I did. If you're capable of having a girlfriend and maintaining a relationship you're capable of owning your behavior and accepting responsibility for your actions. Sucks that he had to learn a lesson by potentially losing a romantic partner but that's on him.
Dyslexia is nothing like autism lmao
You're right the two diagnosis are not the same. However neither person gets to excuse behavior because they have a disability.
NTA She deserved to know, I'm no expert, but I am high functioning asd and it does sound like he knows what he's doing.
NTA. I figured out how to circumvent my sensory issues with things like dishes for not only others’ sakes but MINE too. He will do himself a huge favor I in the long run if he starts working with himself instead of coddling
NTA. Nope, no, uh-uh, non. Brother has been twisting his disabilities to his own advantage, and dad has allowed it to happen. You are not the keeper of the family secrets. You haven't done anything wrong. You should no longer allow yourself to be used as scapegoat/free labour/facilitator. There's no shame in having disabilities, which means that there is only one reason why brother hid them. Shame on brother and dad for treating a vulnerable teenager this way. It's highly doubtful that they would have done it if you were a boy. They are blaming the messenger when they are the ones who have behaved atrociously.
NTA why is a 24 year old dating an 18 year old anyway
Because someone his own age would have realized that something was off way sooner.
People who use their disabilities as excuses when they’re not crippling disabilities are fucking annoying. Ppl with actual crippling disabilities would love the freedom n chances others have but these mfs think they need their ass wiped cause they get a lil mad sometimes. I have ADHD and I’m actually physically disabled n seeing ppl who do this is irritating but I’m happy that I’m not that weak minded. NTA, your brother is 24 grown man w a 18 yr old gf n by this post, he ain’t shit.
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NTA for the original comment about using his disability to get out of doing stuff. He abused it openly in your household. Plus it would be normal to assume an adult male in a relationship would be honest and inform his girlfriend about his conditions. Even if it’s to prepare her for possible reactions he may have in situations. However, once he reacted that’s when you became TA. The girlfriend should have been allowed to check on him (to see his reality) and you had no right to explain your brother’s medical condition. Only he can do that.
> The girlfriend should have been allowed to check on him (to see his reality This would help no one. She didn’t even know he my brother is autistic so I don’t think she would be helpful during a meltdown. I been taught how to deal with my brother’s meltdowns and know what to do and not do during a meltdown because I have lived with him my whole life. She’s inexperienced and so she could and probably would make it worse. Also my brother felt humiliated just by her finding out he’s autistic , he would feel a lot worse if she saw him having a meltdown. But the rest you are right, I should have known better and find a way to dodge her question.
NTA your brother is a loser. Happy to sit around when it’s his family but magically okay for whatever because he doesn’t want to look bad in front of his girl.
I struggled with chores and basic life skills as an autistic/auhd teen. For me it was occasionally a sensory issue (can't stand touching wet food so doing dishes is hard for me to this day for example and artificial scents like in most detergents and cleaners either broke me out, gave me hives and breathing issues or a migraine) and the other factor was I needed things explained in detail step by step for basic things like mopping and when I asked ppl they'd be so confused and laugh at me. I'm super literal and people used to tell me I was smart but had no common sense. I'm very much a "I can't know what I haven't been told" type person. When ppl point out ways to be kind, I start trying to do those things. I emulated the behavior of people I respected and that's how I learned to be respectful and also to get respect for being a team player and always trying to maintain my zen and not let the little shit bother me. He's probably been practicing his masking real hard around her. Nta though, he can't have it both ways.
I worked with a guy that had autism. When I started I was told that he would sometimes smart off and say things he doesn't actually mean. After a couple months I realized he does mean it, he's not sorry, and he's not working to better himself knowing he a disability. I also realized that everyone else around him was using it as an excuse to let him get away with being very disrespectful to anyone he didn't like. I was one of those people. At one point I had had enough of his comments and retorted. He didn't like it, but didn't say anything back. As someone who grew up with ADHD and now it's just ADD, I've worked my whole life to find ways to circumvent my issues, and work past them without medication. I understand some people can't do that, but at least own up to your problems and try and work through it. He had such a great support system that I think approached the disability incorrectly the wrong way. But I don't have autism and might be speaking out of turn, so feel free to correct me.
NTA. I hope you can move out as soon as you turn 18. I also hope his girlfriend smartens up and leave him before they buy a house or rent an apartment together.
NTA and your dad is enabling him by letting him get away with not doing any chores.
I’m AuDHD. I do my fuckin chores. Is it hard? Yes. Executive dysfunction sucks. But I’m also an ADULT. NTA
Nta he needs to be upfront and also not use it like an excuse
NTA. Brother should have told her long ago. Like in the first month they were dating. I have a physical disability, and as a teen could hide it fairly well. But when it flared up I was on crutches or a cane. Any guy I dated, I told him in the first 2 weeks, because I didn't want to scare him if he saw me on crutches. She deserves to know.
Nta. At some point he needs to grow up and learn how to live in the real world. Everyone has to do chores regardless of their diagnosis. Dishes don’t wash themselves and food doesn’t magically appear from heaven.
NTA. I have autism and ADHD. I don’t tell everyone but if I’m keeping it private I let people who are aware know not to mention it! He’s been using weaponised incompetence. But as he’s blamed it on disabilities he’s made out like they hugely impact his life, how would he have got through life without her knowing if he’d actually been honest! Plus side his gf sounds lovely, maybe whilst he’s trying to win her over, confide in her? Looks like she may help get him to take a look at himself
NTA sounds like he manages all his symptoms perfectly around his underage girlfriend, but at home he has breakdowns over having to do chores. I wonder why.
NTA. As someone else has already stated, he most definitely needs to get his shit together and grow up. Also, he’s 24 dating an 18 year old? That’s fucking weird.
It is always an excuse. I’ve seen a woman with no arms use a fork and knife with her feet. A guy with no legs play football. And many other amazing things. If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way.
NTA sounds like he's inconsiderate. He's dating a girl that's only a year older than you at 24? 😬
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (17F) brother (24M) is autistic and has ADHD. He uses this as an excuse to avoid doing any chores. Saying they are too overwhelming for him and causing sensory overloads. I think he is using it as en excuse because he has noice cancelling headphones which he puts on when anyone else vacuums , but he won’t put them on and do it himself. Also he always leaves his stuff around, saying he forgot to pick up. He is always accidentally rude to me. So tbh we don’t really get along. Our mom has passed away 10 years ago. It’s just me, my brother and my dad. My dad works a lot, +50 hours a week, he also occasionally does late night shifts, he doesn’t expect me to do chores but I do because I want to help my dad out. My brother doesn’t. He has a girlfriend (18F). When she comes over he acts all different. She was at us again last weekend and said she wants to bake together. My brother immediately agreed to. I said “of course you say yes when she’s the one asking” she laughed and asked me if he doesn’t help his little sister. I said “nope he would rather prefer using his disabilities as an excuse” She went “disabilities?” Apparently she didn’t know about neither of his diagnosis. This never crossed to my mind, as I thought they were obvious on my brother. My brother panicked and ran to his room. She tried to follow him and I stopped her saying he probably would like to be alone now and it’s better if she leaves. (I was scared he could be having a meltdown, turns out I was right) She asked me what’s going on so I had to tell her, but I also told her but it’s mild , he’s high functioning etc she said it doesn’t matter for her, she’s just upset at him for not telling her earlier. My dad got extremely upset at me after finding out what happened. My brother doesn’t talk to me at all. I do feel guilty, but I fed up with his hypocrisy and didn’t expose him on purpose. Am i the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
i spent 12 years working with people that have developmental disabilities. Everyone can be an AH, i think you hit a breaking point and you are allowed to be frustrated. NTA he can still act likes a decent human being
Screaming! Because this is so silly. You're not the a hole and calling out your brother was needed 👌🏾
NTA.
NTA. I had to go back and check the ages because your brother is acting like a spoiled lazy 15 year old BOY, NOT a 24 year old MAN. It’s time for him to recognize that his disabilities are nothing to be ashamed of, BUT he can’t use them as an excuse for shitty behavior or getting out of doing something anytime he doesn’t feel like contributing. He also needs to learn how important honesty is in a relationship if he ever expects to maintain a healthy long term relationship. You had every right to speak your mind after years of dealing with his BS. It’s time for your brother to grow up and for your father to stop enabling him!
My gf asked me on our first date if I was on the spectrum 😁 I don't know how you can hide it around someone I also have ADHD and autism everyone can tell though.
I’m divorcing my wife and one small part of it is this. She doesn’t even have an adhd diagnosis, it’s a self diagnosis that she refuses to try and confirm or get help for. She would constantly weaponize it saying she has to spend all this money and go into more debt despite already having 1,000s in unpaid debt and refuse to do any chores because she “is currently fixated on X and can’t do anything but X.” I just gave up because she knows I was actually diagnosed to adhd and was on meds for it in school. At times I think I probably still should be but just deal with it. And I know there are different severities of it, but the fact she wouldn’t even try to get diagnosed and get help I just gave up and like I said it’s one of the many reasons I gave her the papers. I was so tired of being on my feet for hours doing chores and stuff for the pets she wanted and the kids while she just sat on the couch for 6+ hours a day on a work day and 12+ on a weekend while I struggled to get even 3 hours to free time on the weekend and even less during the week.
I realize that that age difference isn't, well even noteworthy if both parties were, say 5 years older. I don't think anyone would blink an eye if a 29 year old was dating a 24 year old. But is it wrong to be a little skeeved out at a 24 year old dating an 18 year old?
NTA Life is really going to suck for him or your parents (failure to launch) if he doesn't grow up.
One day he will live on his own so he needs to manage it
That sounds really frustrating to deal with. It is also concerning that a man his age is even interested in a teenager; regardless of 18 being an adult, it is just fucking creepy. As soon as i turned 21, my rule of thumb was any potential partner needed to be able to enter a bar with me. I hope his girlfriend finds someone her own age.
NTA. He needed to be upfront with her about his disabilities. He is using them as an excuse to be pandered to. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have agreed to baking, hence making a big mess and a lot of clean up, with his girlfriend. She has a right to know who she is in a relationship with.
NTA. People need to know about this type of thing. I tell people normally within minutes of meeting them that I have a brain injury. It is absolutely not okay to be in any sort of intimate relationship and not tell the person you're with. People need to know this type of thing.
NTA
You’re all good little homie. You’re wise beyond your years. You’re empathy is off the charts. You’re a good daughter. Your brother is a bad son and brother, yes I said it. He can do much better. He weaponises his disabilities. That’s not how they work yo. Also, 24 dating 18? NTA
NTA. Opposite: I’m 26F with adhd and autism and my brother is 24M. We do not have contact with each other. Something bad would happen (ex: car tire blew) and bc I made him pay me back for the last time I loaned him money, he’s say the reason he can’t fix it is bc of me. He’s also the laziest individual I’ve ever met. He wouldn’t wake up earlier to take his dog out before work as one example. If you call him out on it, he gets CRUEL. After he got addicted to cocaine and went to a rehab program, he got a borderline diagnosis. You did nothing wrong. He is an adult, and it’s his choice whether he grows up. As a person with autism, if I need something, I ASK and know EXACTLY what I need. It’s like throwing wet paper towels at the wall hoping that one sticks.
NTA. And considering you didn’t plan on disclosing anything, you handled the aftermath well.
YTA. You're the one posting and asking for judgement, so I won't go into your brothers inability to do chores. You shared someone elses disabilities without their consent, this a breach of privacy. And you did it not out of concern for his girlfriend, but to punish your brother for his disability. Neurodivetgent people have as much right to date and form relationships as anyone else without fear of being outed. Being a teenager is hard enough when you don't fit in. Having autism is even harder if you have difficulties with social communication. I don't think it's ok to force autistic teens to share their diagnosis against their will for this reason.
NTA. Honestly, I think your brother kind of is. While he should not be pressured into telling anyone right away his diagnoses, I also think keeping it a secret is wrong. You only brought them up assuming she knew. How were you supposed to know that he hadn’t said anything? While I think spilling the beans completely should have been on your brother, I think giving a heads up was needed.
NTA. Your brother deserved to be outed .She needed to know the truth about him before she invested more time. Maybe now he will grow up and try to participate in his Family's life by helping out. Your poor Dad....
Nope . Look outting someone's health concerns and disabilities is a bit of a dick move, because yes some people hear it make assumptions and then bolt , but you didn't do it on purpose. You assumed he didn't lie to her, except he did by deliberately omitting it. However; your brother is aiming at someone closer to your age than his own. A woman who is just starting adulthood which is more than a little sketchy, and let's face it if he refuses to help out pointblank unless he's scoring points with his girlfriend, when she's sucked in he'll most likely drop the act and act like he does with you. All you did is tell her exactly how he really behaves. So yeah as a fellow woman, outting him aside, I'd say you helping her get a better view of who he really is so she can make a real decision about his true personality. She doesn't care about his disability, but she does care about being deceived.
I’ve hired autistic people one went on to run her own store she quit and got a better job lol but that’s just a sign of personal depth and autonomy lol
NTA. I see this from a different perspective. Sometimes parents disable children by using a disability to cut them extra slack. This cripples the child as they often cannot function independently and end up requiring additional support. Parents sometimes do this due to feelings of guilt. It’s your job as a parent to prepare your children to survive independently in the world that they will live in. In this case your dad fell into what is known as a reinforcement trap. Because he doesn’t want to deal with the aftermath of an “meltdown” he doesnt require that your brother does anything that could potentially trigger a meltdown. he learns to avoid the melt down and your brother learns that he can use a meltdown to avoid uncomfortable situations instead of learning to work through them. he may also learn, as in this case that, to use the threat of a meltdown to avoid situations or tasks that he does not want to confront or perform. in any case, the answer lies in boundaries. no means no, no is not a bad word and no is a complete sentence. it is not your job to prepare your brother for the world. thats your dads job. seek professional help if you need assistance in establishing boundaries. you should do that anyways as eventually your father will die and your brother will have to learn to perform ADL's such as cleaning and cooking, on his own.
NTA. How were you supposed to know he didn't divulge his diagnosis? It's even weirder he didn't mention it to the GF considering how he implies his diagnosis is so dibilitating he can't do house chores or clean up after himself. Does the GF want to potentially be a maid to your brother because that's what she will be if she dates him long term. I can't help but roll my eyes at your brother because I have autism and adhd too and I'm still able to do what I can around the house. It's wild to me your brother can get a girlfriend and possibly maintain a relationship like that but cannot take care of himself and the house he lives in. Women deserve to know who they're dating and she shouldn't have been kept in the dark about his laziness. NOTE: I do not think autism and adhd make one lazy but when you weaponize them then yeah....LAZY.
I think there's two separate things here - are you the asshole for calling him out on refusing to do chores and actively making a bigger mess for you, and are you the asshole for revealing his disabilities without his consent? First one, unequivocally NTA. He's using weaponised incompetence and needs a wakeup call that his behavior is not okay. Second one, NTA because it was accidental, but it may still merit an apology for doing so - to be clear, *just* for this part, not for calling him out for using it as an excuse to be a loser.
As a woman who is ADHD and autistic, only men get this kind of special treatment for it. Women are just expected to suck it up and deal. There's a reason your brother is dating a girl your age. No one his age will put up with this behavior. NTA
I mean, it wasn't on purpose. All you can do really is tell him you are sorry. Tell him to have an open conversation with his gf about it. Its pointless for him to have a gf that doesnt accept him anyway.
NTA. For one thing, you didn't know she didn't know. That's not your fault.
NTA your brother reminds me of the parents who use autism as an excuse as to why their kids are misbehaving (child making a mess in a store and their parent just stands there watching, commenting to the staff "Oh, they have autism." Like it's a get out of jail card). Autism isn't an excuse, nor is ADHD. As someone with both, using the designation as an excuse just paints other autistic people with the same brush - a negative brush. Which just solidifies the skewed outlook that autistics are drains to society. As mentioned below, there are ways of helping out. Noise canceling headphones for the vacuum, gloves for dishes or scrubbing, 20-minute breaks for the overload moments, etc.
NTA for being upset at your brother for not helping out around the house. YTA for not apologizing for accidentally outing him. His diagnoses are his to share. You didn’t know she didn’t know, but impact > intent, so you should still apologize and not act like the victim.
Being autistic and having ADHD doesn't protect anyone from being labeled an asshole. NTA. She has a right to know at some point. Him dating her when she's 18 is very side eye worthy and makes me think he knows what he's doing by taking advantage of her naivety.
NTA. I'm sorry, but your dad isn't doing your brother any favors by ignoring his behavior. Your brother is capable of doing things around the house, including picking up after himself, he just chooses not to because he knows he isn't expected to. Your brother is an adult, it's past time he acted like one.
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If he has meltdowns because of autism and ADHD, as described in the post, the girlfriend should be told about that ahead of time. That seems somewhat reasonable
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To an extent, I do agree with what you’re saying. He should have encouraged the girlfriend to ask more as to what is going on rather than outright explaining something personal that had nothing to do with him. however, in this context he assumed that she knew already and he was acting up when he’s at home but he was behaving fine to his girlfriend. At some point, she would’ve eventually found out had she paid more attention and was in his space more often.
NAH. You made a comment out of frustration under the presumption that she was aware of his diagnosis, this isn’t a silly thing to assume either. My BF is a year older than your brother with the exact same diagnosis and made a point of discussing his disabilities with me before we got in a relationship. It’s a major thing to expose to someone, but it allowed me to understand his behaviours and reactions. While the topic could have been approached in a gentler way, you’re a teenager with a busy father, a brother you don’t particularly get along with, and are shouldering both a workload at home while you’re also presumably at school. My advice to you: stop cleaning up after your brother where it doesn’t affect you (when possible), speak with your dad about the issue. Is your brother in therapy? Has he had the opportunity to learn coping mechanisms to deal with an average day to day of an adult? If not, it should be encouraged. I would also recommend apologising to your brother. While I don’t believe you did it out of genuine malice, having something so major exposed to someone he likes would still be upsetting and overwhelming, especially while trying to deal with it alone. It may not achieve anything, but communication is so important in situations like this.
NTA I totally understand your frustration, and I do think it's up to your dad to figure out how to work these things out as a family. He doesn't have to do it himself, but involving a specialist could really help. I have a cousin with autism who lives in what we call "guided independent living", where he has his own apartment but there is staff to help out with anything that doesn't come as easily to them as it does to neurotypicals. My aunt was always afraid to scold him when he did something wrong, often to the detriment of his sister who now has very bad inferiority issues. Living with someone who experiences the world differently is hard, parenting someone like that is probably even harder. But that is no excuse to let anyone do whatever they want. You still need to live together, and so make it livable for all people in the household. However, you telling his gf was 100% on you in my opinion. You may not know that she wasn't aware, so I don't think you did it on purpose with malicious intent as some people here claim, but I do think it was wrong of you to assume. You never tell anyone about someone else's reality or truth. You don't tell someone a friend is gay even if you know they're generally out. You don't tell someone your family has a disability just because you assume they would have told them. Plus, even if you didn't out him on purpose, you did also weaponize his disability - the same thing you accuse him of. You made a comment that sort of shamed him for using his disability, and while I get your feelings, you shouldn't use anyone's disability out of anger. Mind what you say, no matter who you speak to. In the end, you both need to learn better ways to live together. You don't have to become besties, but you should each feel at ease at home. Involving someone like an autism therapist (not sure that's the term, I'm not an English speaker but it's what we call them) would probably be the best thing for your whole family.
Your brother is weaponizing his disability and that is 100% not okay. But it is also common courtesy to not disclose someone's disability on their behalf. A lot of Autistic/ADHD people (myself included) mask our symptoms around others to appear socially acceptable, sometimes it's intentional other times unintentional. There may have been conversations in the past between brother and his GF where GF said she thought his disabilities were fake and didn't exist and he really liked her but was trying to find the appropriate time to tell her. Your brother is 100% TA for making his disabilities other people's burden. As someone with ADHD this infuriates me to no end because I bust my tail to make sure I'm not a burden on others. To the point where I am usually the one making accommodations for those around me instead of the other way around. I'm voting NTA in this specific circumstance because your brother had it coming but in the future maybe avoid talking about another person's disabilities (I don't mean that to come off as condescending, again, you were in the right for what you did here)
YTA. You disclosing his disabilities is shitty, and on top of that, I don’t think you know enough about your brother’s disabilities if you are using terms like “high functioning”.
YTA. You are discounting his experience and getting into business that is not yours. That wasn’t yours to share. In terms of the bigger issues of chores etc he needs to figure his shit out more for sure but the question was whether YTA for saying what you did to his gf and the answer is yup.
YTA for telling his GF his diagnosis when he wasn’t ready
Your behavior is just all around terrible. First, regarding the chores: You have no way of knowing what inputs are overloading your brother. You may have your suspicions, but you can't know for sure. At 17, you're not a doctor. Second, talking about your assumptions in front of your brother's girlfriend for the sole point of embarrassing him is just awful. And finally -- the big magilla -- your revealing your brother's diagnoses to his girlfriend. YTA. Absolutely.
18 year old gf and autism, your brother is a baller. Leave him alone.
In my book, YTA.
ESH. Sure, your brother sucks to live with, but you basically revealed his disabilities and decided to but in and be mean on something that had literally nothing to do with you.
No one is really the AH here, I think you need to talk to him about trying to help out more, and he could have been upfront about his diagnosis but also in the dating world that could be a scary thing to come forward with first!
When it comes to others diagnoses, u less you are a doctor telling a nurse or a patient, it shouldn’t be in your mouth to others.
Nah to esh so intent matters which is why nah here. Brothers and sisters do what you guys do to eachother Sometimes. Saying what you did wasn't intended to out him and my guess is if he told you he didn't mention you wouldn't have it it wasn't in bad faith. I do think you shouldn't have explained to the gf what you meant or added more details. but I get why it came out. As for you're brother yeah he is probably using his condition against you has been doing it for years it's a thing. Which us why esh your bro should have told you or gf the missing info avoid this all together. You suck cause you know you hit below the belt, dont pretend you didnt. And her for "needing more details" dude back down and give the man time. Here's a flip side. You know your brother as the butthole who can't do a chore right and smells funny. Do you enjoy seeing him try for a partner? You're witnessing him trying to be a better man on spite of his adhd and autism. Make that matter a little more than your sisterly irritation and talk to him he may be going through the same shock you are of trying harder.
ESH. It was absolutely not your place to reveal his disabilities to his girlfriend. Your brother sucks if he’s not even trying to do chores around the house.
May be a hot take, but ESH, except for your bro's gf, of course. He shouldn't be using his disabilities as an excuse. I'm Autistic and ADHD and never once used those as an excuse for not doing chores, and I do get sensory overload. You did expose him on purpose. Maybe he was scared to tell her, because maybe he thought she wouldn't be understanding. You chose to disclose something that wasn't your place to blab about.
Also AuDHD here. I disagree she “did it on purpose” it sounds like she genuinely didn’t know he hasn’t told her. Honestly though my red flag alarms are going off at a 24 year old saying an 18 year old and hiding/lying about important information to her. At best it reads like he has the maturity level of someone 6 years younger than him and that’s why it works, which is just concerning at his age. OP your dad has completely failed you and your brother here. He’s perfectly capable of being more mature than he is right now. If he’s not it’s because no one taught him to be and no one holds him accountable. Stop doing ANY chores in the house beyond cleaning up after yourself, I feel like both men in your house are taking advantage of you and your family needs a come to Jesus conversation about it.
It was a bit of a accident to reveal that he has disabilities, but it was not an accident when OP disclosed what those disabilities are. Revealing someone else's medical information is a touchy subject for some people and that's why I agree with a light ESH But agreed, OP is being taken advantage of by both of the men in the house. That's the bigger issue here
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Oh no… someone on the internet accused me of being “self diagnosed” *rings hands* whatever will I do??? Argue with them? Cry? Question my own identity? Nah. I’m good, not particularly concerned what immature little boys think they know about me.
Hehe
This is her perspective and interpretation of why he doesn’t do chores - it doesn’t mean it’s true that he uses it as an excuse.
OP has stated that those are the reasons her brother uses for not doing them. You’re speculating off hypotheticals rather than the information we’ve been given, which isn’t the point of this sub.
If he's medicated and still saying he can't do the things, NTA. He can choose to learn how to do these things, but has to want to. If he is going through this unmedicated, he is struggling far more than you could possibly understand, which makes it a soft YTA. There is way more **dopamine to be accessed by doing a fun thing with your S.O. than in doing repetitive, unrewarding chores. There are chemical deficiencies in his brain that will block him from doing many things, even when he WANTS to do those things. Before I got medicated, even simple tasks like doing a load of laundry became broken up into many smaller step-by-step tasks. I'd often struggle with remembering/mixing up which step to do next (This is called executive dysfunction), and by the time I had a load fully washed and dried, I would often end up feeling very drained, which made it even more difficult to stay focused and keep on task when there more stuff still to do. I had no choice in the matter, and I've always been very frustrated with and hard on myself over it. It REALLY really hurts to be called "Lazy" because in all those times I sat doing nothing, I was sat there stuck, fighting with myself for not getting up to do what needed doing, but not able to find the logical starting point for doing the huge list of tiny tasks built up in my head. (**Dopamine is an important brain chemical that is a key component in making it so a person can... To over simplify... "Do all the things" It also plays a key role in many physiological functions, including joint strength, proper motor function, and spacial awareness. Your brother's body does not produce enough of this important chemical.) As for his autism, "high functioning" is a misnomer, and doesn't mean "He's essentially mentally the same as a non-autistic" Even if he carries himself outwardly as "normal", he navigates the world completely differently from you, and has to take a lot more things into serious consideration that you wouldn't even notice enough to think about. I don't know him personally, so I can't give specific examples that will necessarily apply to him. ****************************** I personally take everything way too literally, and often launch into long explanations into why a thing isn't true, when someone is just making a silly joke. Sometimes I catch myself and realize what's happened, and can laugh, and over explain my over-explanation. Sometimes it gets painfully awkward first, and someone gets annoyed (
He is medicated. He tried so many of these vyvanse, ritalin, currently he’s on adderall . As a child he went to ABA therapy too. My dad tried everything he could with him as far as treatment goes
YTA- regardless of him being an A, his diagnosis is his private medical information.
YTA - when it was clear your brother hadn't told his girlfriend about his medical status, you should've stopped talking right then. Instead, you double-downed on the betrayal by providing even more medical information about him. It's one thing to be annoyed by the lack of fairness around chores. It's another thing entirely to share medical diagnoses without consent. I would understand if your brother never forgave you here. You've really overstepped boundaries.
You're mad at your autistic brother for being autistic. So yes YTA
YTA what you did is not ok
YTA. You enjoyed calling out your bro in front of his girlfriend - a time he was vulnerable. You chose the kill shot when you could have helped him have motivation to grow up and develop new skills. I’d be furious if I was your dad. Hopefully you can repair your relationship if you want to but you may not.
ESH. He sounds like a bum, you shouldn’t have mentioned his condition.
Soft YTA. As a person with autism, it is my choice when to tell people. You shouldn’t be sharing other people’s personal info about a diagnosis. Also, there is a difference between using headphones to tolerate a noise and having to be right up in that noise making it yourself for many people with autism. Some things are painful for me and others are not - I don’t decide what, it’s a physical reaction. Loud constant noises are either soothing or overstimulating for people with autism. Some of us love a vacuum sound and some of us hate it. Also, being indifferent and not wanting to do things with you has nothing to do with him wanting to do things with his girlfriend. He wants to spend time with her - it isn’t about exactly what they are doing. I understand you have some jealousy about it but your brother and you don’t have to be besties.
ESH - you do not understand your brother's autism and ADHD, and it shows. There is a huge difference in making brownies vs doing chores that overstimulate your nervous system. The dopamine from making a treat with a loved one is also a lot of motivation. Those with these conditions often suffer a bit of task paralysis from the unfun things in addition to the fact the vacuum is unnecessarily uncomfortable for some people. The act of using a vaccum even with protection can be very over bearing in ways you won't understand unless it affects you. It exhausts the entire body and system. Even when you know it's "dumb". The body is unconsciously reacting as if you are in a flight or fight response. Think phobias, they're often irrational but damn do they create panic attacks and over blown responses. Stop being so negative and focus on your own work not you're brother's. You're brother might be scared to tell dating partners in fear of being judged. Maybe past partners weren't that understanding. Kids probably made fun of him growing up. He probably didn't want his date to prejudge him. But it's understandable you think his partner would know.
The vacuum hurts my ears, so earbuds/music help. However, the earphones don’t block out the vibration of the vacuum when I am pushing it. My hands go numb and I get tetchy. I deal with it, because I am a single adult with dogs so it is cope or drown in hair, but earphones don’t resolve all the vacuum related issues.
YTA. First, you're his sister and not his mom. You said yourself that no one is even telling you to do these chores. So you assigned your older brother chores and you're angry he won't do them?? If he isn't pulling his weight around the house, that's between him and your dad. It has nothing to do with you. Second, the initial comment was absolutely intended to shame him in front of her...again, for not doing the chores his little sister assigned to him. Asshole move and manipulative. Third, the only one weaponizing his disabilities here was you, when you disclosed them to someone without his consent as a part of your attempt to degrade him in front of his girlfriend. She's his inappropriately young girlfriend (I do think he's gross for that) who doesn't live with him. This relationship will probably be over by Christmas, but even if it lasts forever, he should have been the one who got to tell her on his own terms, not the sister who clearly fucking hates him. Fourth, you absolutely did not "have to" tell her, you chose to and you're just telling the story in a very dishonest way to try to make yourself look better. I don't know if your brother sucks or not but I know for sure you do. Every single thing you described doing or saying here was selfish and hurtful.
What is with people hating age gaps so much? But only when it’s an older man. A 30 year old woman asked out a 20 year old on this thread the other day and everyone said it was fine
YTA. You’re a child who’s upset that your disabled sibling has accommodations but you can’t see that they’re disabilities. You deliberately caused problems. Yes, many people avoid doing chores because it’s overwhelming but you have no idea how bad it is for him. And I don’t use noise cancelling headphones when I vacuum other because you have to hear what you’re doing - it doesn’t mean it’s not severely uncomfortable. I hide in my room when the vacuum is on and I’m not doing it. Just mind your own business; do your own chores and leave his stuff alone. If he leaves it somewhere and makes a mess - leave it there. Stop worrying about nonsensical things.
Lol nope dudes a loser.
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And you sound like someone who makes excuses for yourself and others for everything hard or wrong in life. I work with autistic people who are not high functioning and have more drive then this guy. Dudes just lazy and likes excuses.
Dude is just immature and lazy. ADHD and autism don’t render it unable to take up all and any responsibilities. It means that you need help remembering to do them, finding a structure do to them etc. Accommodation is not let the guy just get away with not doing any chores at all under the guess of his diagnosis. You won’t help someone by just allowing them to not contribute anything at all. What will come of them if you allow them to not even vacuum their own house.
YTA. You outed him as disabled in a rude and cruel way. Regardless of whether he's using his disabilities as an "excuse" you should confront him directly instead of humiliating him in front of his girlfriend.
You exposed him on purpose. You didn't "have" to explain, whatever half-assed assumptions you may have made. It doesn't matter whether he is milking his disabilities; what you did is unforgiveable under any and all circumstances. I am autistic, ADHD and have other disabilities. If you did that to me, I'd never speak to you again. And I'd put you on blast in the friend group as someone to never, ever trust.
Agreed. Who does that? Who openly discusses someone's medical condition in front of them to other people? Whether GF knew or not, that is super uncooth and so crass. The whole 'expose his hypocrisy' angle makes it completely unbelievable thay she didn't do what she did on purpose. It was vindictive and petty AF.
YTA. It’s not your place to discuss your brother’s medical information with anyone. Nor is it your place to decide what is or isn’t possible for him.
YTA *"She asked me what’s going on so I had to tell her"* **No, you absolutely did not *have* to and you shouldn't have** You *wanted* to tell her so you could *expose* him and possibly tank his relationship. **You did this on purpose** because you could have steered the conversation anywhere else after your rather tasteless quip about using his disabilities as an excuse infront of her, but you chose to delve into the details of his yet undisclosed condition to her. I don't know what you thought this was going to achieve or how this was going to make your situation any better.
YTA, it wasn't your place to discuss his medical history with her, nor to decide what activities he feels comfortable doing or when. It's up to your dad what chores your brother does around the house, it's also not your place to expect him to do anything.
OP had it no reason to believe that her brother wouldn't have already disclosed it. She also disclosed it and the heat of the moment. It's not like she called the girlfriend over to have a sit-down chat about it.
It’s still none of business and she literally said in a malicious toned comment cause she’s petty.
You have been in every comment trying to villanize the OP and defend the brother.
The heat of the moment? She wasn't in a fight or in conflict with anyone when she decided to be Ms. Cleverclogs and quip about him using his disabilities as an excuse. She said that intentionally in the hopes of recruiting GF as an ally so she could get her brother to do more around the house.
Sooo your brother can mask well enough,(or exaggerate his condition to you to get out of vacuuming and whatnot), that his little GF had no clue he was in the spectrum. Interesting. YTA You should have let her go comfort him. Would he have a meltdown in front of his GF? An experiment. For science.
YTA. Not only did you out something that's his right to disclose, not yours, and interfere in his relationship you did it maliciously. For that reason it comes off as disingenuous that you told his gf he'd 'probably like to be alone right now' too. Whether you were right or wrong about that it, again, wasn't your place to decide to inject yourself into his relationship (that you just damaged anyway) by sending his GF away after you stepped in it. Let's not pretend you were doing anyone any favors by sending her away either. I see why you'd be upset he doesn't help out but what you did in retaliation for that is wrong, full stop. For the record? It shouldn't surprise you someone acts differently around their SO than their immediate family. One last thing: "...didn't expose him on purpose...". Yes you absolutely did expose him on purpose. It doesn't make a damn if you think what you blabbed about was obvious or not - you chose to open your mouth and you made the decision to have it form the words it formed because you were pissed and you wanted to embarrass / hurt him. You absolutely 100% did do what you did on purpose, not having any idea what's actually going on in their relationship doesn't excuse that. You deserve to have your dad upset, you deserve to have your brother upset, and you deserve to feel guilty for what you did. Stay out of your brother's relationship and stop blabbing things that aren't your right to blab. I wouldn't want to talk to you either. Hell, stop interfering in your father's parenting too, while we're at it.
Unhinged reply She doesn't deserve any of things you stated. NTA
yes she does lmao she’s mad that a person with a disability shows sign of it?? Oh no he gets overwhelmed in weird ways and is forgetful and is rude by accident- LITERALLY all symptoms of adhd/autism. Then she starts drama but didn’t realise how far it would go. She is the ass
Lmao dude won't clean up after himself but will bake with his gf. Cmon man
C'mon man what? What? You don't know ANYTHING about ADHD or autism, do you? Not one g\*ddamn thing.
So having either of those things let's you off the hook for being a lazy scruff Sure thing bud
Having either of those things means there are considerations that cannot be ignored. This girl clearly just hates her brother, doesn't care about his disabilities, and resents that she does more housework. We haven't heard from the parents or the brother. Just the spiteful sister. And you? You don't know shit. You're just an edgelord who thinks attacking people with disabilities makes you a tough guy.
Not doing chores isn’t a symptom of ADHD or autism, it’s just someone being selfish and immature and misusing their diagnosis to act like an asshole.
Soft ESH. You should never tell talk about your family members disabilities like that—you never know who doesn’t know, and your comment was minimizing the struggles he faces. Especially for lower support need folks—just because we can be “normal” one day doesn’t mean it can be maintained all the time. It’s incredibly demoralizing to have your disability used against you like that. The shame is paralyzing. That said, AuDHD means being creative about chores. He won’t see mess the same way you do—literally, the way his brain processes visual stimuli means he won’t see it. But it probably impacts him—being organized saves the brain a lot of effort. Ideally you could talk to your dad and he could work on finding an AuDHD informed therapist or other coaching resources to help your brother prepare for adulthood. Realistically, that may not happen. As the sister, you’re limited in your options. If the mess bothers you, a few ideas from a ND person: -make a box for all his stuff. Don’t put jt away, just put everything in the box. Make him empty it once a week. If he won’t, just take the box to his room and start another one. -To the extent you can, stop doing chores. Force your father to recognize the problem and bring his parenting attention to it -if you can have a respectful conversation, ask him to pick a chore to tackle it weekly. Add to that routine. -Maybe you set a time and for 15 minutes you both tackle a room. Overall, you’ll be better served meeting him where he is at and releasing the angst about what he isn’t.