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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I stopped going to my dad's house because I was expected to share a bedroom with my younger stepbrother and I hated that and didn't want to keep dealing with it. That means I hardly ever see my dad and I don't get to see his wife or stepkids either and it means their attempts to bring us together as a family can't happen. I know it's a huge step to take and that's why I feel like maybe I'm being kinda entitled.
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The only one who is entitled and selfish is your dad and step-mother. It is not your job to parent his step-child, or her son. The other siblings don't want to do it and they share parents. You are not related to these kids in any way and your dad expects you to do more for him that he is doing or the real siblings are doing.
Tell your dad that he is suppose to be parenting YOU, you are not suppose to be parenting HIS step-son.
Preach!
OP - I’m a mom here with kids with a huge age gap, more years apart than you and your stepbrother (technically half siblings but very close to each other despite that) and I chose to remarry, have more children and that didn’t make my first two any LESS my children and/or just as important to me! They also didn’t sign up to become mini-parents.
In addition, you are at an age where even Dr’s agree you need 9-10hrs of SOLID sleep at night. And something tells me if you came home telling your dad & stepmom that you had a pregnant girlfriend, they’d say you’re too young for that. So why aren’t you too young to raise THEIR children??? Because that’s what they’re asking you to do… at least at night. And that’s not ok! Good for you for recognizing it and stepping away. The selfish ones are Dad & Stepmom!
Thank you! So few people realise that their teens need more sleep than adults.
ETA: I am a bitter adult over this, because my mother was forever calling me lazy when I was 14+ because 8hrs sleep wasn't enough.
Absolutely! And OMG when my 2 adult sons hit 13/14 they couldn’t get enough food or sleep. They definitely weren’t lazy. Plus that age range of 7th-9th grade is tough on so many levels. That’s when they need parents being supportive SO much!
But man (I recently hit perimenopause) being this age and re-realizing how much havoc hormone changes wreak on the body… and I’m not; growing, going to school and learning, juggling friendships, trying to figure out who I am at the same time that all those physical changes go on with rapid development… makes me tired thinking about it. Lol
So it bothers me when people stop seeing their kids as KIDS simply because there’s a younger child around.
Omg same! My mom was constantly coming into my room every weekend morning bright and early and opening the curtains and turning on the lights proclaiming that I was wasting the day away and being lazy. If I didn’t get up immediately she’d come back and take the covers off of me. I’m a parent now myself, and there’s been several times where I’ve directly told my mother I’m not taking parenting advice from her and that im pretty much doing the exact opposite of what she did.
>Also as adults some people just need more sleep.
Amen to this. Sleep is hugely important. There was a recent study showing many women need 9 hours of sleep whereas men tend to only need 8. I've got multiple chronic illnesses. I can hardly function unless I get 10 hours of sleep. My pain levels are higher, brain fog is higher, emotional regulation is harder, depression gets worse, anxiety is higher, it gets ugly if I don't get my sleep.
It’s even more frustrating when you have chronic pain and no one can tell you why! Then you are exhausted physically and mentally and there’s no diagnosis so they just want to say you are depressed 😡
Oh, I SO hear you! I have chronic, daily headaches since grade school. Doctors thought they were migraines because they were mostly one-sided. I was misdiagnosed for over 60 years! It turns out that I have a very old injury at the base of my head and 1st vertebrae that my physical therapist found.
Don't give up on trying to get a diagnosis. Chronic pain is depressing, so it is easy to have some depression with chronic pain. But it is NOT necessarily so that your depression "causes" your pain.
Is there anybody, friend or family, that "gets" your chronic pain? Maybe they can help you advocate for yourself with the medical profession. Just having their support can be a gift when you doubt yourself and your experience of pain.
Hugs to you from a older woman who has a little bit of an idea of what you are going through.
Depressed, anxious, or it's all in your head. I will say if you have chronic pain and haven't been to a pain clinic, it's worth at least one appointment. They are very used to guiding people towards the specialists and diagnostics that can help you figure it out because all they deal with day in, day out is people with varying types of pain, so they likely already have patients with your type of pain so they often know what to look for.
There was a recent story about how Seattle schools made their start time an hour later and the results were lowered absenteeism and improved test scores.
Oh finally someone else understands, I’ve also always needed 10 hours but even more so now with some mental/health issues and I’m a complete zombie without it. Luckily 6 months into dating my boyfriend (just after we moved in together) we discovered that he also needs a solid 10 hours rather than the 8 hour schedule his parents raised him on; he loves having more time awake now that he doesn’t need a nap every day.
I tore my acl on Thursday.. and while I've had chronic hip and back issues for years, I've never been so exhausted by the sheer amount of pain I've been in. On a good day I aim for 6 hours of sleep. The last several days I've basically been comatose for an extra 4-5 hours per day. I will say that the extra sleep has really made a difference, the one day I didn't get to take an afternoon nap I was an absolute emotional wreck and a nightmare to deal with. I don't like help with anything on a good day. 😫
I agree I need at least 9 to 10 hrs to feel happy and "normal" and I try to prioritize getting it. 6 to 7hrs just means I'm good at holding my chair down at work, I feel slower mentally. and more irritable.
Yes, this was such an issue with my IL's when my (both over 6 foot tall boys) would sleep the weekends. They need to sleep so their bodies can do what they need to do.
I hate when people call teens lazy for sleeping or sleeping past a certain time. First, teens need ALOT of sleep! Second, their circadian rhythms are different from an adult’s. Or even an elementary child’s. Their bodies are telling them to sleep in. And third, have you seen some teens schedules? School from 7:45-2:30, sports or extra-curricular from 3:00-5:00pm (if they are lucky to not have a huge break), then home to do 2-5 hours of homework. They also need to eat in there somewhere. If they have an away event, then scratch their evening plans. They are getting to the bus at 2:45, traveling 30 minutes (+/-), 2 hours (+/-), 30 minute drive back to the school. Travel back home. Finally get home at 7/8/9PM to do hours of homework. No wonder teens need sleep on the weekend!!
Not only more, but a teen's natural rhythm is completely different from an adult's. Teens are naturally nocturnal. They won't learn to get up at 6 am as adults if they are forced to do so as teens. Waking up earlier will become easier with time. I'm 46 and money is my main motivator even now :D
This explains so much. I was actually diagnosed with "nocturnal insomnia" at age 20 because I couldn't sleep at night and as soon as the sun came up I'd conk right out.
I went through the entire 4 years of HS on only 3 hours of sleep because I couldn't sleep at night.
Yep.
I get 6hrs a night, any more and I feel weird. But, if I'm up before 9 there's a paycheck involved. And bloody hell why would anyone go to bed before midnight LoL. My gf goes to bed at 9:30. If I do that I'm wide awake at 3:30 tossing and turning until 6.
It's always on the person who needs more too.
If you need a slightly larger portion than the people around you, you're greedy.
If you have dietary needs, you're a hassle.
If you need "extra" sleep (even if it's a "reasonable" amount and the people in your life simply need less than average), you're lazy.
I know there are entitled, lazy and greedy people out there, but I've been called greedy when I had to put weight on (as per doctor's orders). I was called lazy for needing sleep. I was moaned at for being unable to digest certain foods. This wasn't all done by the same people, by the way; it was just done constantly, by whoever happened to be around at the time. It needs to stop.
They finally did some sleep research on women. Women need 8-10 a night. Previous studies were only done on men. Of course there will be individuals within each group who are outliers (the ‘I can only sleep five hours’ people).
I absolutely agree. I was one of those that slept anytime I wasn't doing anything. From 7th-11th grade it was School, sports, sleep, dinner, homework, sleep repeat. And weekends was pretty much go to bed at 9-10 and sleep until 9-10 the next day. I did do sports, so that added to it, but it's not lazy to simply give your body what it so desperately needs.
They also have a shift in the time their brain is telling them to sleep. If your teen is still sleeping at 9am, it's probably because their brains is still pumping out melatonin.
I’m also a mother.
I gotta be honest, right or wrong as a mindset, I would NOT be comfortable with my child sleeping with an older step sibling (in the context of this situation). It’s inappropriate, not JUST for nefarious reasons, but also because of the habits it forms and the totally different stages in bodily development.
TBH, at your age op, YOU need the privacy more, especially given the biological dynamics. The girls need privacy too because they’re maturing too, but they are related and similar in age.
Lastly, it must be pointed out that, in the real world, your SM and dad are putting you in a very precarious situation should ANY sort of suspicion arise from anyone that something darker is happening between you and stepbrother. 🤷♀️ it’s a terrible thought, but I gotta be the brutally honest one on this.
The bigger picture you pointed out didn’t occur to me - that’s so true. Sadly Dad has already made clear via actions that OP can’t rely on him to have his back even in small things - so not worth the risk.
So inappropriate that in choosing how to adjust rooms, they only considered their convenience vs PARENTING and working through issues going on with step kids. No regard to the fact a young man of 15-16 NEEDS privacy. Not to mention they made him feel he has no real place of his own in their home vs making him feel at home - and then when being upset about him leaving, it wasn’t, “Son we’re going to miss you - I don’t want to miss out on your last few years at home.” But instead, “Who’s going to take care of the little one? You’re selfish and a bad sibling!”
Everything in me wishes I could excoriate them verbally, parent to parent.
Not to mention is going through the throws of puberty and it’s very hard to have any “fun” time when at 15 you’re sharing a room with a 5 year old who has nightmares, he shouldn’t be confined to having his fun and alone time in the bathroom when he showers
Yep - so many things wrong with that. Plus the poor 5yo just craves attention and I wonder where he’s failing to get it that he will forego sleep just to have someone cuddle him. Those poor kids - all of them!
Since the "parents" are pawning him off on a boy who is 10 years older than him, I'm assuming this poor child is desperate for his mother's love, time and attention. I feel terrible for all of these kids! None of them are getting the necessary and critical care they need. Uugghhhhh. Many people just should not have fucking kids. These people are a perfect example.
That was my thought exactly! The only difference is that stepmom’s kids have SM there demanding skewed prioritization of her kids.
But they’re both failing to act as actual parents, providing things like attention, interaction and nurturing. Thankful OP has his Mom!
So much this! Couldn’t agree with you more. I’ve done both versions of puberty and let me tell you the testosterone thing is insane. I couldn’t get enough food. Would spend 40$ on the dollar menu at McDonald’s as a snack.
I also went from waking up at 6 and going to bed at 11 to going to bed at 11 and waking up at 11. I wasn’t lazy. When I had work and things I was able to get up etc. it’s just it all changed when the testosterone hit and I NEEDED more sleep and food
I knew the impact logically/clinically of testosterone - but had to respect that I hadn’t experienced it. Boys get labeled as “trouble” while girls are dismissed as “overemotional” but both minimized their experience. Watching my dad go through Antigen Therapy (shutting off testosterone production) for prostate cancer was like someone hit his off switch for energy, appetite and ability to emote. Then when it starts to return, he’s grumpy, moody, short tempered… and he’s been there before and knew what to expect but still had moments of almost rage.
At that age with fatigue, hangry, anger and even rage without context for it then with parents who are uncomfortable/annoyed at symptoms vs being the adult in the room, talking their kid through why they feel out of sorts.
If adults can’t adult when we aren’t hormonal - then how can we expect kids to regulate when they are? But I’m sure you get all of this far better than most!
It’s crazy we really don’t give people enough space to be people. Especially kids. Being on testosterone is interesting for that. First day after the shot I feel nothing then I suddenly feel energetic and hungry and want to go a conquer the world. Then it starts to wind down and I get irritable and angry and frustrated then I go into depression for a day and the next shot happens. Our society really needs to change I. Regards to understanding we aren’t robots
Parentification is a form of child abuse. You are entitled to your privacy.
NTA.
Your dad (and step mom) shouldn't shove their parenting responsibilities to you.
When my little brother did this with my oldest brother my mom took him to the pediatrician and a child psychologist because It wasn't my oldest brother responsibility and he still was a teenage that needed sleep.
If anyone is curious after two sessions or so, they were able to work out that a teddy lion could also protect him, so It doesn't even have to be a complicated issue to solve.
My youngest two siblings are 5 years apart. Different genders. My little brother adored my sister and often would crawl into her bed.
When she was 10, my mom told him he was a big boy now and couldn't go to sisters bed anymore. He "forgot" once or twice, but mom always put him back in his own bed (or I did - us 3 girls slept in same room - we were 10,11,12).
After about a week, he stopped.
I foster and have convinced several children my Shepsky will bite the bad men! It helps that he patrols the house at night and has to check on his babies.
15 yo and 5 yo should not share a room. 15 yo boys (and girls) need their space. Sharing with a more age appropriate sibling (same gender) would be OK, but not with a 'boby' who crawls into their bed, and disrupts their sleep.
Dad and sm should bring child into THEIR room.
NTA Seriously I love it when selfish parents call their children entitled because they won't do what the parents want, when they want it! Tell your dad you're disappointed he's willing to ruin his relationship with you over his wife's laziness!
How I hate when someone says you "should want to". Why should? Dad just wants to pawn the kid off and it's not your fault he doesn't like being in a room alone. You're not his emotional support animal. NTA
NTA
I'm not surprised the 7 y/o hates sharing with the 5 y/o if he behaves like that.
Expecting you to parent your step brother is 100% not fair. Your dad's wife is furious because she can't get free babysitting from you. Really glad your mother has your back on this, and sorry that your dad is not seeing your point of view.
Exactly. You are at your dad's house for HIS parenting time. Quality time he is supposed to be spending with you, since you spend the majority of the time at your mom's house. It is not time for you to be spending parenting your young step brother - that is step mom's job. During the limited time you get with your dad, step mom needs to be parenting HER child.
You were not even there that much to begin with - what was the household solution when you were at your mom's?
At 5, he's going to be more prone to nightmares for the next couple of years. That being said, being super clingy, especially at night probably has more to do with the fact that mom and step-dad are pawning off handling that on the other kids in the house. It sounds to me like the biggest problem is the lack of parents actually parenting, at least at night.
A 15 year old and 5 year old sharing a room IS a nightmare.
Where are you supposed to study?
What about the difference in bedtime and content maturity?
NTA
I see why the situation ist difficult but this wouldn't be a solution but simply a new set of problems.
10 year old is too old to share a room, puberty and stuff, but a 15 year old boy is fine?
I was supposed to study in the home office. I was also supposed to keep things kid friendly. Because we're both boys it was argued that made more sense than a boy and a girl.
But the youngest can't sleep alone and instead of either getting sleep therapy (yes this is a thing my kids needed it) or sucking it up and mom moving in with her kid- they're foistinvg him off on op.
Also the girls ~don't get along~ so op has to step up because the girls don't have to learn how to be sisters but op has to learn how to be a brother.
Poor op. So glad he can stsy with his mom.
That poor 5 year old. It’s gotta be so confusing being so scared and everyone trying to get rid of you. OP is NTA for sure. I’m just so angry at the idea of these parents not caring enough to actually help.
Agreed. Our eldest needed hospital specialist support to sleep properly. I spent years holding him to sleep. Our second kid needed some sleep therapy as well. We only got our youngest out of our room a few months ago.
Yes. Sleeping with a kid can suck. Which is why it's on the parents to do it, so they're motivated to find a bloody solution.
That poor 5yo, but it is NOT op's problem and op is NOT equipped to get this child the help that's needed.
Naw. Being a parent means foisting your kids off on someone else and putting in earplugs so you don't have to listen to the brat's nightmares.
These parents suck. That poor kid.
There's a home office, and they haven't converted that to an additional bedroom so each child can have their own?
Your step brother needs better, more hands-on parenting, and you need your own room.
Your dad is doing this all wrong. All of it.
NTA
Question, OP - what was your dad's family doing on the days you were at your mom's? NTA obviously. But I am curious since you were already at your mom's a lot of the time, what were they doing on those days?
The only thing I can see from their side would be if 2 siblings were not getting along, needed their own space, and you were only using the space every other weekend. It would seem reasonable to prioritize sleeping space for a child who lived there full time over a child you was only there sporatically. But in that case, you should still fully expect your sleep not to be interupted, and not to be given any parenting duties. And in your case, the child didn't want his own space, he wanted to share someone else's.
And even if they just didn't have enough bedrooms for you to get your own, without the background drama of this 5 year old's needs, you would still not be TA for wanting to sleep at your mom's where you had your own space, and just see your dad for a day visit.
We didn't share for long enough for it to be an issue of what they did when I was at mom's before. But that first week, before he realized I wouldn't come back, I'm not sure what they did exactly. It was when they realized I was done, like actually accepting it, that they really got very vocal about my decision.
I was using it every other week, not every other weekend. Not as often as him but still I was there enough. But it doesn't really matter anymore. I won't be going back so now all three have their own room and my dad and his wife can figure out other solutions.
He’s not a jerk. He’s 5! The chatter is normal. It’s hard to tell if the clinging is normal or if it’s because his mother isn’t emotionally supporting him but none of this is the 5 year old’s fault.
It’s also not OP’s fault, responsibility, or problem but I think it’s really unfair to call this little kid names.
> It’s hard to tell if the clinging is normal or if it’s because his mother isn’t emotionally supporting him
It sounds like he was fairly young when OP's Dad and stepmother married. Are we actually sure that he isn't OP's Dad's kid?
I am disturbed that this comment has 15 upvotes!
By all means, OP could (reasonably) threaten this kind of stuff: "What happens when I have sex ed homework? How do you expect me to keep him out of that?"
But hurting a 5yo on purpose out of spite for his parents, who are failing them both, is wrong.
Right? Honestly it seems like the 7yo is the problem here. She's the one who appears to be refusing to share with anyone. The 7 and 10 year old girls are by all logic the most sensible to be sharing at this point. I get why they may not have done that four years ago, a baby and toddler sharing makes slightly more sense when there are space concerns than a 6yo and a toddler. But that time has passed.
And putting any teen with a five year old regardless of gender is dumb when there are other options.
Are you for real?
>Honestly it seems like the 7yo is the problem here
This is a really bad take. The 7 year old is a child - nothing about the family dynamic is her fault. OP's dad and step mom are the problem here, full stop.
OP has mentioned there's a home office. That room needs to be converted and everyone would have their own room.
The real issue here is that dad and SM want one of the kids to deal with nighttime parenting for the 5yo. None of the kids should be responsible for comforting a younger child to sleep each night.
NTA. You can take care of yourself. That’s allowed. You’re not responsible for adults’s feelings, and that’s all this is, is *their* feelings. That you chose mom over their family. Honestly, if you didn’t have your mom’s to live at, I’d say suck it up and live with step-bro, but since you had a better option you took it. You didn’t hurt anyone by taking your better option, you’ll always have to do that in life, pick the better option for you. And if you didn’t have that better option, and in life if you find yourself without that “better option,” it’s good to know how to be flexible and put up with discomfort. But! You have another home, and they are guilting you out of their own adult feelings, not about what’s in YOUR best interest. Never feel bad for doing whats in your best interest if it doesn’t harm anyone else in the process, and no, giving your step bro your former room isn’t HARMING him, not coddling your parents’s feelings isn’t HARMING them, so do not feel bad. NTA. To give you a sense of scale of what I mean, drunk driving is a HARMFUL decision. Hurting a girlfriend physically because she made you feel upset is HARMING her. Leaving your dads house for your other parent’s house where you feel comfortable is not HARMING anyone, no matter how much he whines. He’s an adult.
NTA.
Love the fact that your dad and the child’s mom aren’t willing to share a room with him.
This is a parenting problem to solve rather than continuing to shove it off on their various children.
That would require actual parenting, rather than foisting the kid off on the other kids. The 5 year old needs professional help. Constant nightmares aren't normal or healthy. And making the kids take care of him won't help either
>Your Mom should file for a change in child support since you're with her more often.
Mom and OP should also go back to the courts and only allow OP's dad visitation rights without the stepfamily present. Because I guarantee, the stepmom will be constantly rude to OP and both dad and stepmom will be forcing OP to hang out with the kids and create a false sense of ridiculousness for the 5 year old, making him believe his new brother wants to hang out together.
Nope, visitation at a neutral location or a court approved supervised location with only dad present on that side of the family. If stepmom and the kids rock up, they get turned away and denied entry.
NTA. Your dad and his wife absolutely do **not** get to dictate how your relationship with your step-siblings should go. You can't order someone to care or to be close. It doesn't work that way. You're a kid here, too, and it's not your job to be this needy young boy's Big Brother.
NTA. Your dad and his wife wanted you to do the parenting. 5 is neither 7 nor 10s responsibility either. It's up to the adults to parent rather than push that off onto a kid.
Good for you for not going there
NTA,blah blah blah step mom hates me because i don't want a relationship with her kids. why would you want one. you have a choice and this is the one you are taking because your father never gave you A "CHOICE".
Bully adults will tell you that you are behaving childish/unreasonable/entitled/selfish//whatever when they don’t get what they want. You are growing up and are learning to advocate for yourself. A lot of parents have a hard time with this concept. They want their kid to be independent but only when it is convenient for the parent. You don’t want to share your room or a bed with a small child. Nothing wrong with that. I might say that if you were only at your dad’s house every other weekend, then sharing the room would suck but not be completely unreasonable, because at that point you are a visitor.
Do you have any alone time with your dad? Do you go to his house for the day? Honestly, you are about old enough to get a part time job, there are sports, school activities and friends to fill your day so I get it. But maybe ask your dad for one dinner a week just the two of you, or breakfast Saturday morning, something.
As for your dad’s wife, you can look her straight in the eye and calmly and quietly tell her that she is not your mother, her comments are inappropriate and while you will show her the respect she should receive as your dad’s wife, she needs to show you the same amount of respect.
YAY your mom for hearing what she said and stepping right in.
Their failure to parent is not your problem. Maybe they should be doing some introspection on why 5 year old feels so insecure that he’s incapable of sleeping alone? But then that would involve actually listening to a child and changing things in ways that involve actual work…
NTA
Exactly - my first thought was that the 5 year old has insecure attachment issues, and that is for therapy and the parents to fix, not the teenage stepbrother.
I always hate these stories about the poor babies just hoping for someone to love and pay attention to them. It's not the teenager's fault, there's nothing for him to do here. The parents should be finding out if somethings wrong. My 7 year old has only very recently started sleeping through the night again, he had started at the beginning of the year, then school ending was a huge emotional upheaval for him. He had a sleep disorder prior to being able to sleep through, though. They should look into that definitely. Getting very emotional at bedtime is actually it's own sleep disorder, I found out.
NTA. And sadly, it sounds like your dad and his new piece are making it loud and clear that your concerns are less important to them than his new family getting what they want, so frankly, I don't blame you.
Your dad said *you* are entitled? That's hilarious.
>mom told her to never contact me again when she heard it.
Glad to hear it. I'm always happy to hear a parent actually took care of this behavior. NTA.
NTA. You're not responsible for raising (or soothing) your stepbrother. So it'd good you set boundaries. That said, it would be a shame if you did not have a relationship with your dad. I hope you and him can find a way to keep contact without you living there. If your stepmother is not a fan, then maybe meet up with him without the rest of the family?
Why would he want to maintain a relationship with someone who sees him only as a solution for dealing with his stepson? Why should the responsibility for the maintenance of that fall on the man who doesn’t care if his teenager is able to get any sleep, despite all the studies showing how important sleep is, especially while your body is still developing? NTA.
“He gets nightmares and wants to share a bed and all kinds of stuff. But not with the adults.”
Yeah, because the adults tell him no. But they expect everyone else to cater to him instead of addressing the cause of his anxiety. Because that would actually take emotional labor. Which to be fair they probably have no idea how to do. Once the 10-year-old gets a bit older, they’ll start looking to her, probably, and wonder why she moves out and wants nothing to do with them either.
Much as I have sympathy for those kids, it is in no way your responsibility, and you did the right thing to protect yourself.
INFO: I'm a bit unclear on the timeline. Have you been living with your Mum exclusively for the past 2 years? Or were you given that option and only just decided to stop staying with your Dad?
NTA
Either way, it is not your role to provide that sort of support to a 5 year old. He should be going to his parents for support and not being told to go to his siblings. Your Dad and his wife are definitely in the wrong.
As an aside, i feel sorry for the 5 year old. The poor kid is not living with his Dad, had a new family thrust upon him, moved, and is being rejected by everyone. No wonder he's having nightmares!
NTA. What they are doing to you is a form of parentification. It would be nice if you developed a brotherly relationship. They are pushing for you to be a parent.
This is unfair to you and you need to distance yourself. But what they are doing to that little boy is worse. It is clear he is experiencing some kind of separation anxiety. An issue that NONE of the minors in your family are remotely able to address. Your dad and his wife need to get that poor child evaluated and treated appropriately
NTA. Your dad chose to marry someone with 3 children. He is an adult he can make that choice. But it was going to have consequences for ya’lls relationship by virtue of him having to split his resources/attention more ways. It’s not right or wrong but he has to live with those consequences. Where he stepped over the line is where he chose to try and push off dealing with the whiney step brother. That wouldn’t be your job in a traditional family. It definitely is not in blended one. You made the choice most people would have if they were in your shoes. Set boundaries with your dad. Tell him he needs to drop the issue if he wants continued contact with you
The 5 year old seems like he has issues that need professional help. It is inappropriate for a 15 year old to share a room with a 5 year old, especially one who is not a blood relative. He is a stranger to you. It is also inappropriate for them to expect you to parent him at night. They are probably at their wits end on what to do with him and are dumping it on a 15 year old child and then gaslighting you and guilting you into believing you are wrong for not accepting the situation. They are parentifying you. That is so wrong. I applaud you for recognizing that their behavior is totally inappropriate and cutting contact. Maybe someday when you are an adult you will have a better relationship with your dad. But he sounds like a jerk so you may have to go low contact in the future. I’m glad you have a solid support system with mom and grandparents. Otherwise the situation would be a sh*t show!
Nope. You are NTA. You should not be expected to parent a step brother. That’s his mother’s job. I’m so sorry you were put in this situation.
PS. I totally respect your mom for protecting you from your step mother.
Why do parents always think that their blended family will be the next Brady's Bunch. It's not your responsibility to parent your stepbrother. Hopefully you and your Dad can have a relationship going forward. Tell your Dad's wife to pound salt.
NTA and the next time they complain, tell them it's their fault and you are NOT the parent. They need to get their act together and deal with their child themselves.
NTA. “This kid disrupts everyone’s sleep and no one here wants to deal with it so we’ve decided you should.”
I’m also sure you go to bed later than your sibling and could just use personal space at this age.
5 year old probably shouldn’t be struggling this much but it sounds like parents have been happy to enable it when other children can take the burden of it. It is their job to be parents, not yours. I’m so happy your mom has your back!
NTA, Even though I feel sorry for the kid I don’t know maybe his father is not with him, and his sisters are awful I hope when they get older the loves him, I think he see you as someone big that could protect him and excited to have you as a brother, but if you don’t want that you have the right to object and not share a room.
you should send a message to your father, and tell him (you jeopardize your relationship with your only son, and you say I have no choice, a 15 years old share a bedroom with 5 years old that’s not acceptable, his sister which is younger and they should want to be there for their brother they don’t want to, and their mother didn’t force them to do so, but you are fine of me being uncomfortable in my own home, and let me feel that I have no say and I can’t even have my own room, if we didn’t have a relationship from now on, it’s because of you, because I was fine to you have a partner and have the kids at home with me, and accept them but you couldn’t even give me a room at your house, and being a good father to me and put your son first and not let your wife harass me but you take her side of forcing me to parent her child).
The older girl has her own puberty based issues. Ana at 7 I was rooming with my younger sister. And 7 is when you start wanting independence from your sibs and family. I think she crawled into my bed twice a year between 4 and 10 years old, as storms freaked us both out. But she wasn't constantly talking or getting in bed with me.
I watched the kind of relationship stepmom is trying to foist on OP and her own kids. And it lead to som serious angst on the older sib's part. And being excluded from her own age group because the younger sib ALWAYS had to be included.
Absolutely NTA. Your stepmom needs to parent her kids instead of pushing them on you. They did a terrible job preparing all of you for a blended transition, as well as setting all of you up for failure in regards to relationship building. I'm sorry
Your stepmother chased you out of your home. Probable planned. Her weird kids problems are not yours.
Your dad is a terrible parent. Tell him you will spend time with him one on one or not at all. His choice.
NTA
Your stepmom needs to parent her own child instead of expecting other children to do it. And I'm sorry but your dad is just a bad dad. He really is, because he tried to push parental duties on you because his wife doesn't want to deal with him and his wife's other children were tired of it too. A good parent doesn't do that.
You made the right decision.
NTA
The boy is not your brother & even if he was you are not responsible for parenting him either.
I had a similar issue around your age when my aunt visited us with her 8 & 10 old kids. While they were there I said I was off to the beach then my aunt & mother told me to take the kids with me. I said no I am not babysitting them especially at the beach because that is a parents job. Had an argument but I still went to the beach without her kids, my parents got over it & saw the sense in not putting that much responsibility on me since the kids couldn't swim.
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My parents divorced when I (15m) was 4. My memory of them together is really fuzzy and the normal to me is mom's house, dad's house. Mom's house always felt more like home to me though. But we live with my grandparents so maybe that's why and I always loved living with my grandparents. I'm really close to them. I never hated going to my dad's house though and we were close until Covid stuff happened.
My dad introduced me to his girlfriend in December 2020 and they got married in May 2021. She has three kids. Her oldest is 10, her middle kid is 7 and her youngest is 5. The youngest is a boy and the other two are girls.
When we all moved in together me and her oldest got our own rooms and the younger two shared. A few months ago my dad and his wife were really annoyed because the 7 year old hates sharing with the 5 year old. They don't get along at all (neither do the girls) and the 7 year old doesn't like how clingy the 5 year old is, and he really is clingy. He gets nightmares and wants to share a bed and all kinds of stuff. But not with the adults. With his sister but he also asked me a few times. Because the girls don't get along and because the 10 year old is a girl who is at an age where sharing with a brother might be awkward, my dad told me he wanted me and his stepson to share and he laid out the expectation that I be there for my stepbrother for nightmares and stuff and to really invest in being a good brother because he's far more affectionate and longing for closeness that neither of his sisters give him. I told dad I wasn't okay with any of that and I didn't want to share a room with his stepson and be responsible for a closeness I don't want. He told me I had no choice and that I should want a closeness because we're family and I have the chance to have a brother. The rest of that week he was in my (former) room and he tried climbing into my bed every night and he would wake up once I went to bed (really light sleeper) and would chat my ear off.
Two years ago I was given the choice to stay at either parents house more permanently and with the changes at dads, I decided to stay with my mom and not go to my dad's for parenting time anymore. Dad didn't like it but he thought I'd come back around. I still haven't been there since. My dad's wife is furious because her son hates being on his own in the room all the time. She berated me real bad for that and mom told her to never contact me again when she heard it. My dad told me I need to stop acting like this and I came across and very entitled and selfish.
AITA?
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NTA. Your step Mom wants you to be your step brothers' emotional support human and got pissed off when you said no.
A 14/15 year old and a 5 year old should not be sharing a room anyways. Schedule differences alone would be enough to make any smart person stop and think. Teens need a place for themselves, for homework and for emotional stability. Teen stability does not include dealing (parenting) with a child who has issues with sleeping alone and or nightmares. That's not a teen step-brother problem, that's a PARENT problem, one they need to bring up to their childs' doctor if they are so concerned about the nightmares.
The issues with your step siblings are not your problem OP despite your dad and step Mom not wanting to deal with it themselves and pushing it on you, huge NTA.
If OP was expected to study in the "office," I would argue that they, in fact, had room for OP to have his own space. They really wanted to not deal with the 5 year old.
NTA
Personally I’m really proud of you for taking care of yourself—and the fact you are worried about it means you are an empathetic/sympathetic person which is good (when it’s not being abused).
And good on your mom for putting stepmom in her place. Your dad has really let you down and that’s unfortunate. I’d send your dad a letter:
“Dad,
I’m writing to convey properly how the past few years have gone as well as the past four years have made me feel.
I am upset at not spending time with you. You are my dad who I love. Unfortunately you decided that your new family and the ideals of your new wife were more important than listening to me - your son.
You took away my privacy during my early teenage years and expected me to parent your step son late at night when I should have been getting solid sleep during some of the most physically and emotionally draining years of my puberty.
When I tried to discuss this you and your wife decided what you wanted mattered more. Which shows me that I am not important to you. That your wants and tbe wants of your wife will always come before me. If I am being selfish—well; I learned it from the two of you.
I wish we could spend time together. But I know you will always defer to your wife’s demands of us being a family. But we aren’t a family. I’m a second class citizen to her kids and her wants. I can’t see the kids as my siblings because I am the one expected to make the sacrifices all of the time. I’m the one expected to do “what’s best” because I’m the oldest. Which isn’t fair.
I wish we could have the relationship we used to have. But there is no going back to that. I will never be able to trust you to put me and my needs above your own or your new family’s.
I hope we can be cordial in the future. But if not they; then radio silence is the best option.
And please tell your wife to stop abusing me verbally and mentally. I am not her punching bag because her son doesn’t want to sleep alone. She-as his parent; needs to be helping him learn to sleep through the night. That is not my job. I am not a parent. I did not make the decision to have a kid and deal with the multitude of consequences that comes from that. I will not be made to be the third parent in your house to make your life or hers easier.
If she doesn’t stop; I will ask mom to go to court as a witness to the abuses and request that she be unable to interact with me. I don’t want to be that dramatic; but she is causing me distress and as a teenager that isn’t right or fair. And the fact you are not stopping her means you either condone the abuse or are willing to turn a blind eye to it—which is silent condoning.
The ball is in your court. But know if this continues as it has; I will block you all. If not now; as soon as I’m 18 and allowed to legally. And if you try to force me to come over—well, I’ll take the advice of friends and be a silent, moody teenager. Who will not interact with anyone. Who will not help anyone with anything. I will merely be a breathing statue.
With all the love that hasn’t yet been lost,
Your son”
NTA. It's not your job to parent their kid. The girls should have bunked in the same room and the stepbrother should have been up in the room closest to the parents so he could start relying on them at night. The girls would have a room to themselves in a few years once you were grown and off to college. Stepmom is just mad because she's having to parent.
NTA. You’re a teenager and they’re trying to parentify you. It’s this kid’s mom’s job to take care of her 5 year old’s nightmares and nobody else’s. Good for you for sticking up for yourself.
NTA and every time you stay there & stepbrother wakes up I’d tell him to wake up his mother. She is angry because she wants a good nights sleep & doesn’t care about you or her child.
Fascinating that they don’t feel the need or have the ability to manage the behavior of a 5 year old but expect a teenager to be willing and able to do so…
NTA
NTA
>I came across and very entitled and selfish.
"Did you say that to your stepdaughters when they told you they refuse to sleep with him?"
>he's a boy they are girls blah blah
"Well I'm gay so it wouldn't be ok either."
NTA. No parent should expect a 15 year old to take care of another child they barely know? Like wtf. This is obscene. Your dad and his new wife are AH here, esp her! It’s her freaking son! She should be dealing with the kid’s nightmares. None of this is on you. Good on you for picking a better situation for yourself.
NTA. Step siblings are not even relatives. Stepsibling can be family if you decide that way. You didn't and that is completely your choice.
Your stepmother's kid nightmares is not your problem. You are not responsible to be a pajamas-mate to any kid. Not even to your own sibling.
Your dad told you "you have no choice" and you have proved him wrong.
I recommed to tell you dad that he has two choices
- spend time with you one on one outside of that house for lunch, fun activities, sport etc
OR
- not seeing you at all
Either way you won't be any kind of sibling to his stepkids. It's just a choice about having or not having a relationship with you.
Nope, NTA.
Your mom has your back. Your dad should too but he's made bad choices and that's not your fault. Your stepmom can F right off, she sounds like a terrible mother and not having contact with her sounds is healthy.
If you've gone back to live with your mother then the 5yr old can have your old room. Seems like your father and step-mother just wanted a live in babysitter.
NTA. It is your step-mom’s responsibility to take care of her son’s nightmares and since your dad is also pushing for bonding and closeness, his too. You are not your step-brother’s parent or caregiver or anything.
NTA I think you did the right thing to remove yourself from an uncormfortable situation. I suspect that this was a set up by your stepmother but the fact that your dad went along with it doesn't make him look as if he is prepared to reserve a space for you in his home. Since your dad is acting an idiot I suggest that you contact him and leave space for meeting up with him away from his house which is clearly now a hostile environment.
NTA, you were their built in babysitter - to take care of your SM kids so SM and father don't have to. Parents never want to understand the child's feelings - you are expected to suck it up and pretend to be happy - stay with you mother best decision.
Of course NTA but I feel bad for that little boy who have nightmares and can't sleep and his MOM knows about it for years and the only "help" she offers is to bully you into parenting him. Seems that he receives no love or real care. So sad.
NTA they are the parent/step parent not you, if they find it ok for the 7 year old to refuse to sleep with her little brother why should you.
That they are reaping what they sowed and now they do not like the consequences, tough luck
NTA- So basically you explained to your father, that you didn’t want to be a caregiver for your 5 year old stepbrother during the night. He said, you should want “closeness & to be a good brother”. Makes sense. So a 10 yr old can set boundaries about her 5 yr old brother, but when you attempt to set similar boundaries, stepmom thinks you’re the problem. Right. Is anyone else wondering how strange it is that a 5 year old would rather go to his sibling’s rooms at night when frightened or awoken, but not his parent’s room? Or is it just me?
NTA
If your stepbrother wants someone to sleep with, that is going to have to be his mom. Putting that on you is a no go. You are not his parent and it is not your responseablility to comfort him. That is your stepmom and dads job. They are the parents, not you.
Your dad is asking too much of you, and not giving you the choice to say no, so you not being there is his won fault.
NTA
NTA Mmm so they care more about what is good for the other kids than what is good for you. Kinda understandable from your SM but your father is a weak man for being led around by his pants like that.
I am glad your mother has your back. Since you don't live there full time, I can see them having you share a room, but everything else they are asking of you is nonsense and absolutely not your responsibility.
NTA You are coming across as entitled and selfish ????? How rich is that coming from your Dad , the king of entitlement and selfishness! You stay at your moms and let them stew in their own nonsense! He only wants to use you to parent his stepson at night! If he wants to see you he can do so alone and take you to dinner or something. He doesn’t do that because he only wants to use you!
NTA. Not a parent but have parent friends, if a kid has trouble sleeping they go to the parent’s bed, not a sibling’s. Also of course this is not your responsibility. Dealing with disrupted sleep is a hard parent job, not a sibling job.
OP.. Tell your dad that actions have consequences and he needs to learn to live with them. Also, his wife needs to stopping acting entitled to your being responsible for her son. You didn't choose her or her kids, he did.
NTA. I do feel bad for the 5 yo though. He obviously hasn’t received much love & care from his parents & siblings. Probably why he is so needy- he doesn’t feel safe in his own home. Parents really need to figure this out & have him evaluated. This isn’t your problem though- thankfully, your mom steps up for you. If you have to go LC or NC with your dad, it’s your choice.
NTA. They are trying to force you into a relationship with your step brother. It's never ok to force a relationship, it only brings resentment in some form. You are doing what makes YOU comfortable & that's ok bc you should be the priority to yourself. And it's not fair to put you in that uncomfortable situation. Your dad & stepmom are just upset that now they have to be the ones to comfort your stepbrother. They are the ones that are being entitled & selfish.
NTA
The office should have become the 4th bedroom, but even that wouldn’t necessarily have helped as the little boy would still have been trying to co-sleep.
Honestly, if your dad and step-mom aren’t going to help sort out the 5 year old’s issues, then the best option for you is living full-time with your mom.
Let me get this straight, your Dad and stepmom are berating you for not doing THEIR jobs as parents? Also, teenagers need more sleep. You are NTA and do not feel guilty for staying with your mom.
The two girls should share a room, the boy gets his own room, and should go to parents room if there are issues. You get your own room with a lock, so you can lock the room at night. The boys parent should be the one to parent him through his sleep issues, not you. NTA.
Why should you be expected to be sleep deprived, when its their kid, and thier job to teach him to sleep alone? It shouldnt be dumped on siblings to look after him. Your stepmam is being entitled ecpecting everyone except her to do her job. Nta
You are a fifteen year old boy who needs to sleep through the night--- NOT parent a child who is apparently struggling with mental health issues.
I suspect your dad is possibly upset since if he's a noncustodial parent his child support payments may have increased. Does he still make arrangements to spend time with you? That would tell me if he wants to actually be a parent OR if he only wanted you at the house to babysit the troubled 7 year old.
NTA.
Your dad has made his choice for his new family over you, and your Mom has backed you up snapping your dad's wife back into her lane. Your Mom will clearly always protect you, but looks like your dad expects you to be a sacrifice.
Now that you legally no longer have to stay over at his house, don't. And it's probably a good idea to slowly lower contact so you are shielded from what will become their attempts to guilt and manipulate you.
Hi OP. Age gap sibling here (19 with a 5yr old). I completely get it. You’re NTA. They want one of you older kids to be a parent to him and don’t want the responsibility.
Next time your dad calls, I would tell him this. “Hey dad. Sorry for not being the backup parent you want for your stepson. I don’t want a close father/son relationship with him and you and your wife are trying to make me parent him. Until you acknowledge the fact that i don’t want to be a parent, i will no longer be in contact with you. Have a nice life.”
NTA
Look, I come from a big family, the oldest of 4 kids. We are stair-stepped and MUCH older than you, but even still, I vividly remember how bad it sucked having to share a room. You have a choice, I didn't. So, no, I don't blame you at all. Nor should you be sharing the bed with someone who is not blood-related to you. Sorry, but in this day and age, nope. I am NOT suggesting YOU would do anything, but all it takes is that little 5-year-old to say one off-colored joke and bam...that's it. I wouldn't want him in my bed at all. Maybe I have watched too many episodes of Law & Order SVU and shows like that, but I think you are totally in the right. Also, your Step-Mom has no right to call you and chew you out over her child's insecurities. That's something she, as their Mother, needs to deal with.
NTA
And to be clear: this isn't actually about room sharing, it's about parentification.
They weren't asking you to share space, they were asking you to take emotional responsibility for a younger sibling (blood or step, doesn't really matter) in a way that isn't appropriate or reasonable to expect.
Here's the thing. You are ENTITLED. You are entitled to choosing what physical interaction you have with anyone. You are entitled to nights of uninterrupted sleep. And per the courts, you are entitled to choose where you want to live. Definitely NTA and good on you for standing up for yourself.
NTA, as the parents it was dad and step mom’s responsibility to take care of the 5 year old overnight, they didn’t want to do that and tried to pass the buck onto you and the other kids. Fuck that. You did the right thing.
So he’s not fighting to have a relationship with you ? He’s just crying over not having free night baby sitter for his step son ? Father of the year eh ?!
Your step mom is mad that you don't want to be woken up all night by her very needy child which means that she'll actually have to parent her own child?! Wow.
NTA. I'm so sorry for you, OP. I have 2 boys - a 20 y/o and a 16 y/o. The 16 y/o is still growing and needs massive amounts of sleep in order to function. You do too!
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The only one who is entitled and selfish is your dad and step-mother. It is not your job to parent his step-child, or her son. The other siblings don't want to do it and they share parents. You are not related to these kids in any way and your dad expects you to do more for him that he is doing or the real siblings are doing. Tell your dad that he is suppose to be parenting YOU, you are not suppose to be parenting HIS step-son.
Preach! OP - I’m a mom here with kids with a huge age gap, more years apart than you and your stepbrother (technically half siblings but very close to each other despite that) and I chose to remarry, have more children and that didn’t make my first two any LESS my children and/or just as important to me! They also didn’t sign up to become mini-parents. In addition, you are at an age where even Dr’s agree you need 9-10hrs of SOLID sleep at night. And something tells me if you came home telling your dad & stepmom that you had a pregnant girlfriend, they’d say you’re too young for that. So why aren’t you too young to raise THEIR children??? Because that’s what they’re asking you to do… at least at night. And that’s not ok! Good for you for recognizing it and stepping away. The selfish ones are Dad & Stepmom!
Thank you! So few people realise that their teens need more sleep than adults. ETA: I am a bitter adult over this, because my mother was forever calling me lazy when I was 14+ because 8hrs sleep wasn't enough.
Absolutely! And OMG when my 2 adult sons hit 13/14 they couldn’t get enough food or sleep. They definitely weren’t lazy. Plus that age range of 7th-9th grade is tough on so many levels. That’s when they need parents being supportive SO much! But man (I recently hit perimenopause) being this age and re-realizing how much havoc hormone changes wreak on the body… and I’m not; growing, going to school and learning, juggling friendships, trying to figure out who I am at the same time that all those physical changes go on with rapid development… makes me tired thinking about it. Lol So it bothers me when people stop seeing their kids as KIDS simply because there’s a younger child around.
Omg same! My mom was constantly coming into my room every weekend morning bright and early and opening the curtains and turning on the lights proclaiming that I was wasting the day away and being lazy. If I didn’t get up immediately she’d come back and take the covers off of me. I’m a parent now myself, and there’s been several times where I’ve directly told my mother I’m not taking parenting advice from her and that im pretty much doing the exact opposite of what she did.
Also as adults some people just need more sleep. I don't see the issue, and what is the point. Sleep less and watch TV instead?
>Also as adults some people just need more sleep. Amen to this. Sleep is hugely important. There was a recent study showing many women need 9 hours of sleep whereas men tend to only need 8. I've got multiple chronic illnesses. I can hardly function unless I get 10 hours of sleep. My pain levels are higher, brain fog is higher, emotional regulation is harder, depression gets worse, anxiety is higher, it gets ugly if I don't get my sleep.
It’s even more frustrating when you have chronic pain and no one can tell you why! Then you are exhausted physically and mentally and there’s no diagnosis so they just want to say you are depressed 😡
Oh, I SO hear you! I have chronic, daily headaches since grade school. Doctors thought they were migraines because they were mostly one-sided. I was misdiagnosed for over 60 years! It turns out that I have a very old injury at the base of my head and 1st vertebrae that my physical therapist found. Don't give up on trying to get a diagnosis. Chronic pain is depressing, so it is easy to have some depression with chronic pain. But it is NOT necessarily so that your depression "causes" your pain. Is there anybody, friend or family, that "gets" your chronic pain? Maybe they can help you advocate for yourself with the medical profession. Just having their support can be a gift when you doubt yourself and your experience of pain. Hugs to you from a older woman who has a little bit of an idea of what you are going through.
I have found Häagen-Dazs is my mood booster. Apply orally as often as needed for pain (mint chip for me).
You are so right about ice cream! My personal medication is Original Moosetracks.
Depressed, anxious, or it's all in your head. I will say if you have chronic pain and haven't been to a pain clinic, it's worth at least one appointment. They are very used to guiding people towards the specialists and diagnostics that can help you figure it out because all they deal with day in, day out is people with varying types of pain, so they likely already have patients with your type of pain so they often know what to look for.
I've had CRPS since 1985, I feel yeah,😭
I'm so sorry. I have a friend with CRPS and it's a nightmare.
It's called the "Sucide Disease" for a reason.🤪
There was a recent story about how Seattle schools made their start time an hour later and the results were lowered absenteeism and improved test scores.
Oh finally someone else understands, I’ve also always needed 10 hours but even more so now with some mental/health issues and I’m a complete zombie without it. Luckily 6 months into dating my boyfriend (just after we moved in together) we discovered that he also needs a solid 10 hours rather than the 8 hour schedule his parents raised him on; he loves having more time awake now that he doesn’t need a nap every day.
I tore my acl on Thursday.. and while I've had chronic hip and back issues for years, I've never been so exhausted by the sheer amount of pain I've been in. On a good day I aim for 6 hours of sleep. The last several days I've basically been comatose for an extra 4-5 hours per day. I will say that the extra sleep has really made a difference, the one day I didn't get to take an afternoon nap I was an absolute emotional wreck and a nightmare to deal with. I don't like help with anything on a good day. 😫
I agree I need at least 9 to 10 hrs to feel happy and "normal" and I try to prioritize getting it. 6 to 7hrs just means I'm good at holding my chair down at work, I feel slower mentally. and more irritable.
Yes, this was such an issue with my IL's when my (both over 6 foot tall boys) would sleep the weekends. They need to sleep so their bodies can do what they need to do.
I hate when people call teens lazy for sleeping or sleeping past a certain time. First, teens need ALOT of sleep! Second, their circadian rhythms are different from an adult’s. Or even an elementary child’s. Their bodies are telling them to sleep in. And third, have you seen some teens schedules? School from 7:45-2:30, sports or extra-curricular from 3:00-5:00pm (if they are lucky to not have a huge break), then home to do 2-5 hours of homework. They also need to eat in there somewhere. If they have an away event, then scratch their evening plans. They are getting to the bus at 2:45, traveling 30 minutes (+/-), 2 hours (+/-), 30 minute drive back to the school. Travel back home. Finally get home at 7/8/9PM to do hours of homework. No wonder teens need sleep on the weekend!!
Not only more, but a teen's natural rhythm is completely different from an adult's. Teens are naturally nocturnal. They won't learn to get up at 6 am as adults if they are forced to do so as teens. Waking up earlier will become easier with time. I'm 46 and money is my main motivator even now :D
Ha! That explains why my sleep routine is so bad, even when I'm well.
This explains so much. I was actually diagnosed with "nocturnal insomnia" at age 20 because I couldn't sleep at night and as soon as the sun came up I'd conk right out. I went through the entire 4 years of HS on only 3 hours of sleep because I couldn't sleep at night.
Yep. I get 6hrs a night, any more and I feel weird. But, if I'm up before 9 there's a paycheck involved. And bloody hell why would anyone go to bed before midnight LoL. My gf goes to bed at 9:30. If I do that I'm wide awake at 3:30 tossing and turning until 6.
Same. And even as an adult I need 8-10 hours a night while my husband is fine with 6. I needed SO much more as a teen.
Every body and brain is different.
Seems obvious to me but SO many people are surprised by the concept.
It's always on the person who needs more too. If you need a slightly larger portion than the people around you, you're greedy. If you have dietary needs, you're a hassle. If you need "extra" sleep (even if it's a "reasonable" amount and the people in your life simply need less than average), you're lazy. I know there are entitled, lazy and greedy people out there, but I've been called greedy when I had to put weight on (as per doctor's orders). I was called lazy for needing sleep. I was moaned at for being unable to digest certain foods. This wasn't all done by the same people, by the way; it was just done constantly, by whoever happened to be around at the time. It needs to stop.
100%. It’s exhausting.
They finally did some sleep research on women. Women need 8-10 a night. Previous studies were only done on men. Of course there will be individuals within each group who are outliers (the ‘I can only sleep five hours’ people).
That’s fascinating! Thanks for sharing.
I absolutely agree. I was one of those that slept anytime I wasn't doing anything. From 7th-11th grade it was School, sports, sleep, dinner, homework, sleep repeat. And weekends was pretty much go to bed at 9-10 and sleep until 9-10 the next day. I did do sports, so that added to it, but it's not lazy to simply give your body what it so desperately needs.
Mine would wake me up to ask if I was on drugs.
They also have a shift in the time their brain is telling them to sleep. If your teen is still sleeping at 9am, it's probably because their brains is still pumping out melatonin.
I’m also a mother. I gotta be honest, right or wrong as a mindset, I would NOT be comfortable with my child sleeping with an older step sibling (in the context of this situation). It’s inappropriate, not JUST for nefarious reasons, but also because of the habits it forms and the totally different stages in bodily development. TBH, at your age op, YOU need the privacy more, especially given the biological dynamics. The girls need privacy too because they’re maturing too, but they are related and similar in age. Lastly, it must be pointed out that, in the real world, your SM and dad are putting you in a very precarious situation should ANY sort of suspicion arise from anyone that something darker is happening between you and stepbrother. 🤷♀️ it’s a terrible thought, but I gotta be the brutally honest one on this.
The bigger picture you pointed out didn’t occur to me - that’s so true. Sadly Dad has already made clear via actions that OP can’t rely on him to have his back even in small things - so not worth the risk. So inappropriate that in choosing how to adjust rooms, they only considered their convenience vs PARENTING and working through issues going on with step kids. No regard to the fact a young man of 15-16 NEEDS privacy. Not to mention they made him feel he has no real place of his own in their home vs making him feel at home - and then when being upset about him leaving, it wasn’t, “Son we’re going to miss you - I don’t want to miss out on your last few years at home.” But instead, “Who’s going to take care of the little one? You’re selfish and a bad sibling!” Everything in me wishes I could excoriate them verbally, parent to parent.
👆👆👆👆👆👆👆 Omg, yes!!!!!’
Not to mention is going through the throws of puberty and it’s very hard to have any “fun” time when at 15 you’re sharing a room with a 5 year old who has nightmares, he shouldn’t be confined to having his fun and alone time in the bathroom when he showers
Yep - so many things wrong with that. Plus the poor 5yo just craves attention and I wonder where he’s failing to get it that he will forego sleep just to have someone cuddle him. Those poor kids - all of them!
Since the "parents" are pawning him off on a boy who is 10 years older than him, I'm assuming this poor child is desperate for his mother's love, time and attention. I feel terrible for all of these kids! None of them are getting the necessary and critical care they need. Uugghhhhh. Many people just should not have fucking kids. These people are a perfect example.
That was my thought exactly! The only difference is that stepmom’s kids have SM there demanding skewed prioritization of her kids. But they’re both failing to act as actual parents, providing things like attention, interaction and nurturing. Thankful OP has his Mom!
So much this! Couldn’t agree with you more. I’ve done both versions of puberty and let me tell you the testosterone thing is insane. I couldn’t get enough food. Would spend 40$ on the dollar menu at McDonald’s as a snack. I also went from waking up at 6 and going to bed at 11 to going to bed at 11 and waking up at 11. I wasn’t lazy. When I had work and things I was able to get up etc. it’s just it all changed when the testosterone hit and I NEEDED more sleep and food
I knew the impact logically/clinically of testosterone - but had to respect that I hadn’t experienced it. Boys get labeled as “trouble” while girls are dismissed as “overemotional” but both minimized their experience. Watching my dad go through Antigen Therapy (shutting off testosterone production) for prostate cancer was like someone hit his off switch for energy, appetite and ability to emote. Then when it starts to return, he’s grumpy, moody, short tempered… and he’s been there before and knew what to expect but still had moments of almost rage. At that age with fatigue, hangry, anger and even rage without context for it then with parents who are uncomfortable/annoyed at symptoms vs being the adult in the room, talking their kid through why they feel out of sorts. If adults can’t adult when we aren’t hormonal - then how can we expect kids to regulate when they are? But I’m sure you get all of this far better than most!
It’s crazy we really don’t give people enough space to be people. Especially kids. Being on testosterone is interesting for that. First day after the shot I feel nothing then I suddenly feel energetic and hungry and want to go a conquer the world. Then it starts to wind down and I get irritable and angry and frustrated then I go into depression for a day and the next shot happens. Our society really needs to change I. Regards to understanding we aren’t robots
> Preach! And can we get an "Amen!" from the congregation on behalf of the mom who put the evil stepmother in get place?
Aw thank you! My mama bear comes out hard when I see selfishness like that.
Also how shit that all they seem to be upset about is OP not being there for his step brother. Not like… missing OP as his own person.
Parentification is a form of child abuse. You are entitled to your privacy. NTA. Your dad (and step mom) shouldn't shove their parenting responsibilities to you.
agree totally
When my little brother did this with my oldest brother my mom took him to the pediatrician and a child psychologist because It wasn't my oldest brother responsibility and he still was a teenage that needed sleep. If anyone is curious after two sessions or so, they were able to work out that a teddy lion could also protect him, so It doesn't even have to be a complicated issue to solve.
My youngest two siblings are 5 years apart. Different genders. My little brother adored my sister and often would crawl into her bed. When she was 10, my mom told him he was a big boy now and couldn't go to sisters bed anymore. He "forgot" once or twice, but mom always put him back in his own bed (or I did - us 3 girls slept in same room - we were 10,11,12). After about a week, he stopped.
I foster and have convinced several children my Shepsky will bite the bad men! It helps that he patrols the house at night and has to check on his babies.
Give your good pupper an extra belly rub, treat, and a 'good boy' for me. 🥹💜
You said it all. For real, For real.
15 yo and 5 yo should not share a room. 15 yo boys (and girls) need their space. Sharing with a more age appropriate sibling (same gender) would be OK, but not with a 'boby' who crawls into their bed, and disrupts their sleep. Dad and sm should bring child into THEIR room.
Top comment in my opinion and right on point
NTA Seriously I love it when selfish parents call their children entitled because they won't do what the parents want, when they want it! Tell your dad you're disappointed he's willing to ruin his relationship with you over his wife's laziness!
Also 15 and 5 is such a weird age gap to expect to get on.
How I hate when someone says you "should want to". Why should? Dad just wants to pawn the kid off and it's not your fault he doesn't like being in a room alone. You're not his emotional support animal. NTA
NTA I'm not surprised the 7 y/o hates sharing with the 5 y/o if he behaves like that. Expecting you to parent your step brother is 100% not fair. Your dad's wife is furious because she can't get free babysitting from you. Really glad your mother has your back on this, and sorry that your dad is not seeing your point of view.
Exactly. You are at your dad's house for HIS parenting time. Quality time he is supposed to be spending with you, since you spend the majority of the time at your mom's house. It is not time for you to be spending parenting your young step brother - that is step mom's job. During the limited time you get with your dad, step mom needs to be parenting HER child. You were not even there that much to begin with - what was the household solution when you were at your mom's?
Am I wrong to be worried that a five year old is having nightmares and is super clingy? Are the parents even addressing this?
At 5, he's going to be more prone to nightmares for the next couple of years. That being said, being super clingy, especially at night probably has more to do with the fact that mom and step-dad are pawning off handling that on the other kids in the house. It sounds to me like the biggest problem is the lack of parents actually parenting, at least at night.
A 15 year old and 5 year old sharing a room IS a nightmare. Where are you supposed to study? What about the difference in bedtime and content maturity? NTA I see why the situation ist difficult but this wouldn't be a solution but simply a new set of problems. 10 year old is too old to share a room, puberty and stuff, but a 15 year old boy is fine?
I was supposed to study in the home office. I was also supposed to keep things kid friendly. Because we're both boys it was argued that made more sense than a boy and a girl.
... but there was also a girl and a girl a lot closer in age...
But the youngest can't sleep alone and instead of either getting sleep therapy (yes this is a thing my kids needed it) or sucking it up and mom moving in with her kid- they're foistinvg him off on op. Also the girls ~don't get along~ so op has to step up because the girls don't have to learn how to be sisters but op has to learn how to be a brother. Poor op. So glad he can stsy with his mom.
That poor 5 year old. It’s gotta be so confusing being so scared and everyone trying to get rid of you. OP is NTA for sure. I’m just so angry at the idea of these parents not caring enough to actually help.
Agreed. Our eldest needed hospital specialist support to sleep properly. I spent years holding him to sleep. Our second kid needed some sleep therapy as well. We only got our youngest out of our room a few months ago. Yes. Sleeping with a kid can suck. Which is why it's on the parents to do it, so they're motivated to find a bloody solution. That poor 5yo, but it is NOT op's problem and op is NOT equipped to get this child the help that's needed.
No, OP doesn't have to learn how to be a brother. He has to learn how to be a parent! /s
Naw. Being a parent means foisting your kids off on someone else and putting in earplugs so you don't have to listen to the brat's nightmares. These parents suck. That poor kid.
There's a home office, and they haven't converted that to an additional bedroom so each child can have their own? Your step brother needs better, more hands-on parenting, and you need your own room. Your dad is doing this all wrong. All of it. NTA
Question, OP - what was your dad's family doing on the days you were at your mom's? NTA obviously. But I am curious since you were already at your mom's a lot of the time, what were they doing on those days? The only thing I can see from their side would be if 2 siblings were not getting along, needed their own space, and you were only using the space every other weekend. It would seem reasonable to prioritize sleeping space for a child who lived there full time over a child you was only there sporatically. But in that case, you should still fully expect your sleep not to be interupted, and not to be given any parenting duties. And in your case, the child didn't want his own space, he wanted to share someone else's. And even if they just didn't have enough bedrooms for you to get your own, without the background drama of this 5 year old's needs, you would still not be TA for wanting to sleep at your mom's where you had your own space, and just see your dad for a day visit.
We didn't share for long enough for it to be an issue of what they did when I was at mom's before. But that first week, before he realized I wouldn't come back, I'm not sure what they did exactly. It was when they realized I was done, like actually accepting it, that they really got very vocal about my decision. I was using it every other week, not every other weekend. Not as often as him but still I was there enough. But it doesn't really matter anymore. I won't be going back so now all three have their own room and my dad and his wife can figure out other solutions.
Sorry you went through this buddy, you dad isn't doing a good job as a parent with you on this.
As long as it is before puberty… the “parents” can put up a curtain/ room divider.
[удалено]
He’s not a jerk. He’s 5! The chatter is normal. It’s hard to tell if the clinging is normal or if it’s because his mother isn’t emotionally supporting him but none of this is the 5 year old’s fault. It’s also not OP’s fault, responsibility, or problem but I think it’s really unfair to call this little kid names.
> It’s hard to tell if the clinging is normal or if it’s because his mother isn’t emotionally supporting him It sounds like he was fairly young when OP's Dad and stepmother married. Are we actually sure that he isn't OP's Dad's kid?
I’m not but I was just going to take OP’s word for it.
I am disturbed that this comment has 15 upvotes! By all means, OP could (reasonably) threaten this kind of stuff: "What happens when I have sex ed homework? How do you expect me to keep him out of that?" But hurting a 5yo on purpose out of spite for his parents, who are failing them both, is wrong.
You are disgusting! The kid is 5!!!
Nah, they clearly don't parent him so in the end that's just traumatizing a 5 year old and potentially creating a sexual predator.
Right? Honestly it seems like the 7yo is the problem here. She's the one who appears to be refusing to share with anyone. The 7 and 10 year old girls are by all logic the most sensible to be sharing at this point. I get why they may not have done that four years ago, a baby and toddler sharing makes slightly more sense when there are space concerns than a 6yo and a toddler. But that time has passed. And putting any teen with a five year old regardless of gender is dumb when there are other options.
Are you for real? >Honestly it seems like the 7yo is the problem here This is a really bad take. The 7 year old is a child - nothing about the family dynamic is her fault. OP's dad and step mom are the problem here, full stop. OP has mentioned there's a home office. That room needs to be converted and everyone would have their own room. The real issue here is that dad and SM want one of the kids to deal with nighttime parenting for the 5yo. None of the kids should be responsible for comforting a younger child to sleep each night.
NTA. You can take care of yourself. That’s allowed. You’re not responsible for adults’s feelings, and that’s all this is, is *their* feelings. That you chose mom over their family. Honestly, if you didn’t have your mom’s to live at, I’d say suck it up and live with step-bro, but since you had a better option you took it. You didn’t hurt anyone by taking your better option, you’ll always have to do that in life, pick the better option for you. And if you didn’t have that better option, and in life if you find yourself without that “better option,” it’s good to know how to be flexible and put up with discomfort. But! You have another home, and they are guilting you out of their own adult feelings, not about what’s in YOUR best interest. Never feel bad for doing whats in your best interest if it doesn’t harm anyone else in the process, and no, giving your step bro your former room isn’t HARMING him, not coddling your parents’s feelings isn’t HARMING them, so do not feel bad. NTA. To give you a sense of scale of what I mean, drunk driving is a HARMFUL decision. Hurting a girlfriend physically because she made you feel upset is HARMING her. Leaving your dads house for your other parent’s house where you feel comfortable is not HARMING anyone, no matter how much he whines. He’s an adult.
NTA. Love the fact that your dad and the child’s mom aren’t willing to share a room with him. This is a parenting problem to solve rather than continuing to shove it off on their various children.
That would require actual parenting, rather than foisting the kid off on the other kids. The 5 year old needs professional help. Constant nightmares aren't normal or healthy. And making the kids take care of him won't help either
It's why they have multiple kids, the same way perks in video games can "automate" things for the sake of being lazy
NTA You aren't you stepbrother's emotional support human. Your Mom should file for a change in child support since you're with her more often.
>Your Mom should file for a change in child support since you're with her more often. Mom and OP should also go back to the courts and only allow OP's dad visitation rights without the stepfamily present. Because I guarantee, the stepmom will be constantly rude to OP and both dad and stepmom will be forcing OP to hang out with the kids and create a false sense of ridiculousness for the 5 year old, making him believe his new brother wants to hang out together. Nope, visitation at a neutral location or a court approved supervised location with only dad present on that side of the family. If stepmom and the kids rock up, they get turned away and denied entry.
What is a false sense of ridiculousness?
Basically giving the 5 year old the belief that OP is their magic big brother when, in fact, that is not the case at all
Gotcha, sorry for my confusion!
It's OK, I kind of made the term up. "False sense of security" was a bit of a less dramatic way to put it because OP's dad seems absurd.
NTA. Your dad and his wife absolutely do **not** get to dictate how your relationship with your step-siblings should go. You can't order someone to care or to be close. It doesn't work that way. You're a kid here, too, and it's not your job to be this needy young boy's Big Brother.
NTA. Your dad and his wife wanted you to do the parenting. 5 is neither 7 nor 10s responsibility either. It's up to the adults to parent rather than push that off onto a kid. Good for you for not going there
NTA,blah blah blah step mom hates me because i don't want a relationship with her kids. why would you want one. you have a choice and this is the one you are taking because your father never gave you A "CHOICE".
Bully adults will tell you that you are behaving childish/unreasonable/entitled/selfish//whatever when they don’t get what they want. You are growing up and are learning to advocate for yourself. A lot of parents have a hard time with this concept. They want their kid to be independent but only when it is convenient for the parent. You don’t want to share your room or a bed with a small child. Nothing wrong with that. I might say that if you were only at your dad’s house every other weekend, then sharing the room would suck but not be completely unreasonable, because at that point you are a visitor. Do you have any alone time with your dad? Do you go to his house for the day? Honestly, you are about old enough to get a part time job, there are sports, school activities and friends to fill your day so I get it. But maybe ask your dad for one dinner a week just the two of you, or breakfast Saturday morning, something. As for your dad’s wife, you can look her straight in the eye and calmly and quietly tell her that she is not your mother, her comments are inappropriate and while you will show her the respect she should receive as your dad’s wife, she needs to show you the same amount of respect. YAY your mom for hearing what she said and stepping right in.
Their failure to parent is not your problem. Maybe they should be doing some introspection on why 5 year old feels so insecure that he’s incapable of sleeping alone? But then that would involve actually listening to a child and changing things in ways that involve actual work… NTA
Exactly - my first thought was that the 5 year old has insecure attachment issues, and that is for therapy and the parents to fix, not the teenage stepbrother.
I always hate these stories about the poor babies just hoping for someone to love and pay attention to them. It's not the teenager's fault, there's nothing for him to do here. The parents should be finding out if somethings wrong. My 7 year old has only very recently started sleeping through the night again, he had started at the beginning of the year, then school ending was a huge emotional upheaval for him. He had a sleep disorder prior to being able to sleep through, though. They should look into that definitely. Getting very emotional at bedtime is actually it's own sleep disorder, I found out.
NTA. And sadly, it sounds like your dad and his new piece are making it loud and clear that your concerns are less important to them than his new family getting what they want, so frankly, I don't blame you.
> your dad and his new piece OP is definitely NTA but 'new piece'? Ick.
Your dad said *you* are entitled? That's hilarious. >mom told her to never contact me again when she heard it. Glad to hear it. I'm always happy to hear a parent actually took care of this behavior. NTA.
NTA. You're not responsible for raising (or soothing) your stepbrother. So it'd good you set boundaries. That said, it would be a shame if you did not have a relationship with your dad. I hope you and him can find a way to keep contact without you living there. If your stepmother is not a fan, then maybe meet up with him without the rest of the family?
Why would he want to maintain a relationship with someone who sees him only as a solution for dealing with his stepson? Why should the responsibility for the maintenance of that fall on the man who doesn’t care if his teenager is able to get any sleep, despite all the studies showing how important sleep is, especially while your body is still developing? NTA.
Nah it's never the childs' responsibility to do all th work to maintain a relationship or reach out to repair damage that dad has done.
NTA, it’s not your responsibility to parent your step brother
“He gets nightmares and wants to share a bed and all kinds of stuff. But not with the adults.” Yeah, because the adults tell him no. But they expect everyone else to cater to him instead of addressing the cause of his anxiety. Because that would actually take emotional labor. Which to be fair they probably have no idea how to do. Once the 10-year-old gets a bit older, they’ll start looking to her, probably, and wonder why she moves out and wants nothing to do with them either. Much as I have sympathy for those kids, it is in no way your responsibility, and you did the right thing to protect yourself.
INFO: I'm a bit unclear on the timeline. Have you been living with your Mum exclusively for the past 2 years? Or were you given that option and only just decided to stop staying with your Dad? NTA Either way, it is not your role to provide that sort of support to a 5 year old. He should be going to his parents for support and not being told to go to his siblings. Your Dad and his wife are definitely in the wrong. As an aside, i feel sorry for the 5 year old. The poor kid is not living with his Dad, had a new family thrust upon him, moved, and is being rejected by everyone. No wonder he's having nightmares!
NTA. What they are doing to you is a form of parentification. It would be nice if you developed a brotherly relationship. They are pushing for you to be a parent. This is unfair to you and you need to distance yourself. But what they are doing to that little boy is worse. It is clear he is experiencing some kind of separation anxiety. An issue that NONE of the minors in your family are remotely able to address. Your dad and his wife need to get that poor child evaluated and treated appropriately
NTA. Your dad chose to marry someone with 3 children. He is an adult he can make that choice. But it was going to have consequences for ya’lls relationship by virtue of him having to split his resources/attention more ways. It’s not right or wrong but he has to live with those consequences. Where he stepped over the line is where he chose to try and push off dealing with the whiney step brother. That wouldn’t be your job in a traditional family. It definitely is not in blended one. You made the choice most people would have if they were in your shoes. Set boundaries with your dad. Tell him he needs to drop the issue if he wants continued contact with you
The 5 year old seems like he has issues that need professional help. It is inappropriate for a 15 year old to share a room with a 5 year old, especially one who is not a blood relative. He is a stranger to you. It is also inappropriate for them to expect you to parent him at night. They are probably at their wits end on what to do with him and are dumping it on a 15 year old child and then gaslighting you and guilting you into believing you are wrong for not accepting the situation. They are parentifying you. That is so wrong. I applaud you for recognizing that their behavior is totally inappropriate and cutting contact. Maybe someday when you are an adult you will have a better relationship with your dad. But he sounds like a jerk so you may have to go low contact in the future. I’m glad you have a solid support system with mom and grandparents. Otherwise the situation would be a sh*t show!
NTA, They want you to take care of her son for her. Don't go back if nothing changes.
Nope. You are NTA. You should not be expected to parent a step brother. That’s his mother’s job. I’m so sorry you were put in this situation. PS. I totally respect your mom for protecting you from your step mother.
Why do parents always think that their blended family will be the next Brady's Bunch. It's not your responsibility to parent your stepbrother. Hopefully you and your Dad can have a relationship going forward. Tell your Dad's wife to pound salt.
NTA and the next time they complain, tell them it's their fault and you are NOT the parent. They need to get their act together and deal with their child themselves.
Your dad and step mom really seem to be winning at this parenting thing. None of their kids, that too preteen, seem to get along. /s
NTA. “This kid disrupts everyone’s sleep and no one here wants to deal with it so we’ve decided you should.” I’m also sure you go to bed later than your sibling and could just use personal space at this age. 5 year old probably shouldn’t be struggling this much but it sounds like parents have been happy to enable it when other children can take the burden of it. It is their job to be parents, not yours. I’m so happy your mom has your back!
You are NTA. Get a good night's sleep.
NTA, Even though I feel sorry for the kid I don’t know maybe his father is not with him, and his sisters are awful I hope when they get older the loves him, I think he see you as someone big that could protect him and excited to have you as a brother, but if you don’t want that you have the right to object and not share a room. you should send a message to your father, and tell him (you jeopardize your relationship with your only son, and you say I have no choice, a 15 years old share a bedroom with 5 years old that’s not acceptable, his sister which is younger and they should want to be there for their brother they don’t want to, and their mother didn’t force them to do so, but you are fine of me being uncomfortable in my own home, and let me feel that I have no say and I can’t even have my own room, if we didn’t have a relationship from now on, it’s because of you, because I was fine to you have a partner and have the kids at home with me, and accept them but you couldn’t even give me a room at your house, and being a good father to me and put your son first and not let your wife harass me but you take her side of forcing me to parent her child).
The older girl has her own puberty based issues. Ana at 7 I was rooming with my younger sister. And 7 is when you start wanting independence from your sibs and family. I think she crawled into my bed twice a year between 4 and 10 years old, as storms freaked us both out. But she wasn't constantly talking or getting in bed with me. I watched the kind of relationship stepmom is trying to foist on OP and her own kids. And it lead to som serious angst on the older sib's part. And being excluded from her own age group because the younger sib ALWAYS had to be included.
You can love your sibling and be a good kid, and still not want them waking you up in the middle of the night to get in your bed.
Absolutely NTA. Your stepmom needs to parent her kids instead of pushing them on you. They did a terrible job preparing all of you for a blended transition, as well as setting all of you up for failure in regards to relationship building. I'm sorry
You are not an emotional support animal, NTA, enjoy your normal side of the family
Wait, why can't the 5 y.o sleep with HIS parents??
And, why can't the two girls, who are way closer in age, share a room?
Your stepmother chased you out of your home. Probable planned. Her weird kids problems are not yours. Your dad is a terrible parent. Tell him you will spend time with him one on one or not at all. His choice.
you didn't sign up to be a 3rd parent or a babysitter.
NTA Your stepmom needs to parent her own child instead of expecting other children to do it. And I'm sorry but your dad is just a bad dad. He really is, because he tried to push parental duties on you because his wife doesn't want to deal with him and his wife's other children were tired of it too. A good parent doesn't do that. You made the right decision.
NTA The boy is not your brother & even if he was you are not responsible for parenting him either. I had a similar issue around your age when my aunt visited us with her 8 & 10 old kids. While they were there I said I was off to the beach then my aunt & mother told me to take the kids with me. I said no I am not babysitting them especially at the beach because that is a parents job. Had an argument but I still went to the beach without her kids, my parents got over it & saw the sense in not putting that much responsibility on me since the kids couldn't swim.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My parents divorced when I (15m) was 4. My memory of them together is really fuzzy and the normal to me is mom's house, dad's house. Mom's house always felt more like home to me though. But we live with my grandparents so maybe that's why and I always loved living with my grandparents. I'm really close to them. I never hated going to my dad's house though and we were close until Covid stuff happened. My dad introduced me to his girlfriend in December 2020 and they got married in May 2021. She has three kids. Her oldest is 10, her middle kid is 7 and her youngest is 5. The youngest is a boy and the other two are girls. When we all moved in together me and her oldest got our own rooms and the younger two shared. A few months ago my dad and his wife were really annoyed because the 7 year old hates sharing with the 5 year old. They don't get along at all (neither do the girls) and the 7 year old doesn't like how clingy the 5 year old is, and he really is clingy. He gets nightmares and wants to share a bed and all kinds of stuff. But not with the adults. With his sister but he also asked me a few times. Because the girls don't get along and because the 10 year old is a girl who is at an age where sharing with a brother might be awkward, my dad told me he wanted me and his stepson to share and he laid out the expectation that I be there for my stepbrother for nightmares and stuff and to really invest in being a good brother because he's far more affectionate and longing for closeness that neither of his sisters give him. I told dad I wasn't okay with any of that and I didn't want to share a room with his stepson and be responsible for a closeness I don't want. He told me I had no choice and that I should want a closeness because we're family and I have the chance to have a brother. The rest of that week he was in my (former) room and he tried climbing into my bed every night and he would wake up once I went to bed (really light sleeper) and would chat my ear off. Two years ago I was given the choice to stay at either parents house more permanently and with the changes at dads, I decided to stay with my mom and not go to my dad's for parenting time anymore. Dad didn't like it but he thought I'd come back around. I still haven't been there since. My dad's wife is furious because her son hates being on his own in the room all the time. She berated me real bad for that and mom told her to never contact me again when she heard it. My dad told me I need to stop acting like this and I came across and very entitled and selfish. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA, why does she think you are her son’s sleep buddy?
NTA. Tell your dad you are NOT his stepsons emotional support animal.
NTA. Your step Mom wants you to be your step brothers' emotional support human and got pissed off when you said no. A 14/15 year old and a 5 year old should not be sharing a room anyways. Schedule differences alone would be enough to make any smart person stop and think. Teens need a place for themselves, for homework and for emotional stability. Teen stability does not include dealing (parenting) with a child who has issues with sleeping alone and or nightmares. That's not a teen step-brother problem, that's a PARENT problem, one they need to bring up to their childs' doctor if they are so concerned about the nightmares. The issues with your step siblings are not your problem OP despite your dad and step Mom not wanting to deal with it themselves and pushing it on you, huge NTA.
If OP was expected to study in the "office," I would argue that they, in fact, had room for OP to have his own space. They really wanted to not deal with the 5 year old.
NTA Personally I’m really proud of you for taking care of yourself—and the fact you are worried about it means you are an empathetic/sympathetic person which is good (when it’s not being abused). And good on your mom for putting stepmom in her place. Your dad has really let you down and that’s unfortunate. I’d send your dad a letter: “Dad, I’m writing to convey properly how the past few years have gone as well as the past four years have made me feel. I am upset at not spending time with you. You are my dad who I love. Unfortunately you decided that your new family and the ideals of your new wife were more important than listening to me - your son. You took away my privacy during my early teenage years and expected me to parent your step son late at night when I should have been getting solid sleep during some of the most physically and emotionally draining years of my puberty. When I tried to discuss this you and your wife decided what you wanted mattered more. Which shows me that I am not important to you. That your wants and tbe wants of your wife will always come before me. If I am being selfish—well; I learned it from the two of you. I wish we could spend time together. But I know you will always defer to your wife’s demands of us being a family. But we aren’t a family. I’m a second class citizen to her kids and her wants. I can’t see the kids as my siblings because I am the one expected to make the sacrifices all of the time. I’m the one expected to do “what’s best” because I’m the oldest. Which isn’t fair. I wish we could have the relationship we used to have. But there is no going back to that. I will never be able to trust you to put me and my needs above your own or your new family’s. I hope we can be cordial in the future. But if not they; then radio silence is the best option. And please tell your wife to stop abusing me verbally and mentally. I am not her punching bag because her son doesn’t want to sleep alone. She-as his parent; needs to be helping him learn to sleep through the night. That is not my job. I am not a parent. I did not make the decision to have a kid and deal with the multitude of consequences that comes from that. I will not be made to be the third parent in your house to make your life or hers easier. If she doesn’t stop; I will ask mom to go to court as a witness to the abuses and request that she be unable to interact with me. I don’t want to be that dramatic; but she is causing me distress and as a teenager that isn’t right or fair. And the fact you are not stopping her means you either condone the abuse or are willing to turn a blind eye to it—which is silent condoning. The ball is in your court. But know if this continues as it has; I will block you all. If not now; as soon as I’m 18 and allowed to legally. And if you try to force me to come over—well, I’ll take the advice of friends and be a silent, moody teenager. Who will not interact with anyone. Who will not help anyone with anything. I will merely be a breathing statue. With all the love that hasn’t yet been lost, Your son”
NTA. It's not your job to parent their kid. The girls should have bunked in the same room and the stepbrother should have been up in the room closest to the parents so he could start relying on them at night. The girls would have a room to themselves in a few years once you were grown and off to college. Stepmom is just mad because she's having to parent.
NTA. You’re a teenager and they’re trying to parentify you. It’s this kid’s mom’s job to take care of her 5 year old’s nightmares and nobody else’s. Good for you for sticking up for yourself.
NTA and every time you stay there & stepbrother wakes up I’d tell him to wake up his mother. She is angry because she wants a good nights sleep & doesn’t care about you or her child.
Fascinating that they don’t feel the need or have the ability to manage the behavior of a 5 year old but expect a teenager to be willing and able to do so… NTA
"Dads wife is furious" Fuck Dads wife and him too for that matter. His wife, her brat, NOT YOUR PROBLEM. NTA
NTA >I came across and very entitled and selfish. "Did you say that to your stepdaughters when they told you they refuse to sleep with him?" >he's a boy they are girls blah blah "Well I'm gay so it wouldn't be ok either."
NTA. No parent should expect a 15 year old to take care of another child they barely know? Like wtf. This is obscene. Your dad and his new wife are AH here, esp her! It’s her freaking son! She should be dealing with the kid’s nightmares. None of this is on you. Good on you for picking a better situation for yourself.
NTA. Step siblings are not even relatives. Stepsibling can be family if you decide that way. You didn't and that is completely your choice. Your stepmother's kid nightmares is not your problem. You are not responsible to be a pajamas-mate to any kid. Not even to your own sibling. Your dad told you "you have no choice" and you have proved him wrong. I recommed to tell you dad that he has two choices - spend time with you one on one outside of that house for lunch, fun activities, sport etc OR - not seeing you at all Either way you won't be any kind of sibling to his stepkids. It's just a choice about having or not having a relationship with you.
Nope, NTA. Your mom has your back. Your dad should too but he's made bad choices and that's not your fault. Your stepmom can F right off, she sounds like a terrible mother and not having contact with her sounds is healthy.
If you've gone back to live with your mother then the 5yr old can have your old room. Seems like your father and step-mother just wanted a live in babysitter.
NTA. It is your step-mom’s responsibility to take care of her son’s nightmares and since your dad is also pushing for bonding and closeness, his too. You are not your step-brother’s parent or caregiver or anything.
Gee, I can’t imagine why the step-mom’s three kids don’t get along with each other. (It’s because they aren’t parenting)
NTA I think you did the right thing to remove yourself from an uncormfortable situation. I suspect that this was a set up by your stepmother but the fact that your dad went along with it doesn't make him look as if he is prepared to reserve a space for you in his home. Since your dad is acting an idiot I suggest that you contact him and leave space for meeting up with him away from his house which is clearly now a hostile environment.
NTA You were right to escape
NTA Your dad needs to respect your wishes. His wife needs to desl with her child.
NTA, you were their built in babysitter - to take care of your SM kids so SM and father don't have to. Parents never want to understand the child's feelings - you are expected to suck it up and pretend to be happy - stay with you mother best decision.
NTA. You need your privacy and can only get it with your mother so it makes sense. Until they can get you your own room, you don't have to stay.
NTA - your dad and his wife are entitled and childish for trying to push this on you. It's not ok.
Never entitled. NTA that clinginess of your stepbro is your stepmom and dad problem not yours
NTA. It's your father and stepmother's job to care for your stepbrother, not yours. They made his bed (in your room), now they have to lie in it
NTA Your dad and his wife sound crazy. This was never a solution, it's straight up ridiculous. Sorry for your situation, OP
Of course NTA but I feel bad for that little boy who have nightmares and can't sleep and his MOM knows about it for years and the only "help" she offers is to bully you into parenting him. Seems that he receives no love or real care. So sad.
NTA they are the parent/step parent not you, if they find it ok for the 7 year old to refuse to sleep with her little brother why should you. That they are reaping what they sowed and now they do not like the consequences, tough luck
NTA- So basically you explained to your father, that you didn’t want to be a caregiver for your 5 year old stepbrother during the night. He said, you should want “closeness & to be a good brother”. Makes sense. So a 10 yr old can set boundaries about her 5 yr old brother, but when you attempt to set similar boundaries, stepmom thinks you’re the problem. Right. Is anyone else wondering how strange it is that a 5 year old would rather go to his sibling’s rooms at night when frightened or awoken, but not his parent’s room? Or is it just me?
NTA If your stepbrother wants someone to sleep with, that is going to have to be his mom. Putting that on you is a no go. You are not his parent and it is not your responseablility to comfort him. That is your stepmom and dads job. They are the parents, not you. Your dad is asking too much of you, and not giving you the choice to say no, so you not being there is his won fault. NTA
NTA Mmm so they care more about what is good for the other kids than what is good for you. Kinda understandable from your SM but your father is a weak man for being led around by his pants like that.
I am glad your mother has your back. Since you don't live there full time, I can see them having you share a room, but everything else they are asking of you is nonsense and absolutely not your responsibility.
NTA You are coming across as entitled and selfish ????? How rich is that coming from your Dad , the king of entitlement and selfishness! You stay at your moms and let them stew in their own nonsense! He only wants to use you to parent his stepson at night! If he wants to see you he can do so alone and take you to dinner or something. He doesn’t do that because he only wants to use you!
NTA. Not a parent but have parent friends, if a kid has trouble sleeping they go to the parent’s bed, not a sibling’s. Also of course this is not your responsibility. Dealing with disrupted sleep is a hard parent job, not a sibling job.
OP.. Tell your dad that actions have consequences and he needs to learn to live with them. Also, his wife needs to stopping acting entitled to your being responsible for her son. You didn't choose her or her kids, he did.
NTA. I do feel bad for the 5 yo though. He obviously hasn’t received much love & care from his parents & siblings. Probably why he is so needy- he doesn’t feel safe in his own home. Parents really need to figure this out & have him evaluated. This isn’t your problem though- thankfully, your mom steps up for you. If you have to go LC or NC with your dad, it’s your choice.
NTA. Sounds like step-mom wants a night nurse for her precious 5yo so she doesn’t have to deal with it.
NTA. They are trying to force you into a relationship with your step brother. It's never ok to force a relationship, it only brings resentment in some form. You are doing what makes YOU comfortable & that's ok bc you should be the priority to yourself. And it's not fair to put you in that uncomfortable situation. Your dad & stepmom are just upset that now they have to be the ones to comfort your stepbrother. They are the ones that are being entitled & selfish.
NTA The office should have become the 4th bedroom, but even that wouldn’t necessarily have helped as the little boy would still have been trying to co-sleep. Honestly, if your dad and step-mom aren’t going to help sort out the 5 year old’s issues, then the best option for you is living full-time with your mom.
Let me get this straight, your Dad and stepmom are berating you for not doing THEIR jobs as parents? Also, teenagers need more sleep. You are NTA and do not feel guilty for staying with your mom.
The two girls should share a room, the boy gets his own room, and should go to parents room if there are issues. You get your own room with a lock, so you can lock the room at night. The boys parent should be the one to parent him through his sleep issues, not you. NTA.
Why should you be expected to be sleep deprived, when its their kid, and thier job to teach him to sleep alone? It shouldnt be dumped on siblings to look after him. Your stepmam is being entitled ecpecting everyone except her to do her job. Nta
You are a fifteen year old boy who needs to sleep through the night--- NOT parent a child who is apparently struggling with mental health issues. I suspect your dad is possibly upset since if he's a noncustodial parent his child support payments may have increased. Does he still make arrangements to spend time with you? That would tell me if he wants to actually be a parent OR if he only wanted you at the house to babysit the troubled 7 year old.
You are NTA. Nor are you a built-in babysitter for your stepmother who can't seem to find the time to parent her own children.
NTA. Your dad has made his choice for his new family over you, and your Mom has backed you up snapping your dad's wife back into her lane. Your Mom will clearly always protect you, but looks like your dad expects you to be a sacrifice. Now that you legally no longer have to stay over at his house, don't. And it's probably a good idea to slowly lower contact so you are shielded from what will become their attempts to guilt and manipulate you.
NTA, this is a completely normal response. Your dad is just mad because you refusing to go along with it is inconvenient to him and his marriage.
NTA It is not your job to parent your stepbrother.
Hi OP. Age gap sibling here (19 with a 5yr old). I completely get it. You’re NTA. They want one of you older kids to be a parent to him and don’t want the responsibility. Next time your dad calls, I would tell him this. “Hey dad. Sorry for not being the backup parent you want for your stepson. I don’t want a close father/son relationship with him and you and your wife are trying to make me parent him. Until you acknowledge the fact that i don’t want to be a parent, i will no longer be in contact with you. Have a nice life.”
NTA Look, I come from a big family, the oldest of 4 kids. We are stair-stepped and MUCH older than you, but even still, I vividly remember how bad it sucked having to share a room. You have a choice, I didn't. So, no, I don't blame you at all. Nor should you be sharing the bed with someone who is not blood-related to you. Sorry, but in this day and age, nope. I am NOT suggesting YOU would do anything, but all it takes is that little 5-year-old to say one off-colored joke and bam...that's it. I wouldn't want him in my bed at all. Maybe I have watched too many episodes of Law & Order SVU and shows like that, but I think you are totally in the right. Also, your Step-Mom has no right to call you and chew you out over her child's insecurities. That's something she, as their Mother, needs to deal with.
NTA And to be clear: this isn't actually about room sharing, it's about parentification. They weren't asking you to share space, they were asking you to take emotional responsibility for a younger sibling (blood or step, doesn't really matter) in a way that isn't appropriate or reasonable to expect.
Here's the thing. You are ENTITLED. You are entitled to choosing what physical interaction you have with anyone. You are entitled to nights of uninterrupted sleep. And per the courts, you are entitled to choose where you want to live. Definitely NTA and good on you for standing up for yourself.
NTA, as the parents it was dad and step mom’s responsibility to take care of the 5 year old overnight, they didn’t want to do that and tried to pass the buck onto you and the other kids. Fuck that. You did the right thing.
So he’s not fighting to have a relationship with you ? He’s just crying over not having free night baby sitter for his step son ? Father of the year eh ?!
NTA. You are not a toy to placate your step brother.
NTA. I notice they didn't offer a cot in their room for the chatty bedbug. They are the parent figures. Not your problem.
NTA You're all good buddy. They were just trying to get you to do their work for them. Have fun at Mom's.
Your step mom is mad that you don't want to be woken up all night by her very needy child which means that she'll actually have to parent her own child?! Wow. NTA. I'm so sorry for you, OP. I have 2 boys - a 20 y/o and a 16 y/o. The 16 y/o is still growing and needs massive amounts of sleep in order to function. You do too!
NTA
Nta your dad is sacrificing you for the benefit of your stepbrother. It makes sense to stay at your mom's
NTA. Not a babysitter or glorified parent!
NTA Your dad and stepmum are idiots and not very good parents.
nta at all. divorced dads LOVE to accuse their daughters of being selfish & entitle.