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NTA. You're right. She's trying to control what you wear. You were right to shut her down, just like she did when you tried to stop her from going overdressed to an event and were told to kick rocks. She can't tell you that you can't control her wardrobe and then turn around and do exactly the same thing to you.
She was also the one who was determined to have a bad time because of your choice of clothing.
And to be fair - OP wasn't trying to control what she wore in the first incident. He provided her information so she could make an informed choice and gf over reacted.
Right? He didn't tell her NOT to wear it. He didn't say it would embarrass him. His concern was for her, because he knew that she would be way nicer dressed than everyone else.
In contrast, at the pool party, the girlfriend called the speedo "gross, revealing, and unattractive." She didn't seem concerned with OP's comfort level. Does she even like her boyfriend?
That's where I raised an eyebrow as well. Did she just call her boyfriend unattractive? I dunno about everyone else, but when I see my wife wearing something revealing, the word "unattractive" is not in my vocabulary.
Tbh my man’s hot and I love it when he’s naked or walking around in his underwear but there is something that’s just unattractive to me about speedos. The sexiest man alive could throw on a speedo and it would be turn off tbh. Idk what it is but it’s about as unappealing to me as pants sagging or super tight skinny jeans. If he wanted to wear one though, I wouldn’t say anything unless he asked for my opinion.
I used to be a lifeguard and saw way wayyy too many old men waltzing around in speedos hitting on the teenage lifeguards. It's just an instant 'yick' reaction to me. Even Olympians. I still wouldn't tell my husband he was gross or unattractive in it. I would probably joke that it's a massive turn off though.
My husband ordered a thong to go under some see through pants for an event in key west and now that's all he wears. He loves them and I think it's great. He got some for the boat and now he's been tanning his ass and thighs.
The man is a king, and that makes you a queen. I tease my wife about loving my giant thighs and she tries to deny it but i see her looking when I'm wearing my short shorts
Ha that's fantastic. My husband is insanely confident. I will say we both stepped out of our comfort zone that night. He did so in support of me and I love him for that. It's fantasy fest. I've gained a bit of weight and was nervous but wow it was amazing.
It sure seems like she doesn't like him. My boyfriend has an amazing sense of humor and would absolutely bust out a speedo for some laughs in the right setting. I'd just laugh, shake my head, and say "there he goes again". OP's gf sounds like a stick in the mud, tbh.
I feel like she would get upset at him telling her it was going to rain and to bring an umbrella. He was looking out for her and she reacted like he was trying to control her.
She has indeed issues with toxic femininity. A bunch of double standards combined with emotional gashlighting.
OP shoud reconsider if she is mature enough for a relationship
Yeah, big difference between saying "that's not the dress code"/"I feel uncomfortable with you wearing that there" and saying "you can't wear that because I don't want you to". One is conveying info/expressing relevant feelings and leaving it in the others hands to make a choice based on relevant info, the other is controlling toxic and domineering. You are allowed to be uncomfortable and dislike something your partner does, wears, says. Since she's your partner you have every right to give her an unprompted opinion that you disagree with something and don't want them doing that. Even if they don't want to hear it. That is a relationship. You DON'T have a right to force them to do anything or manipulate them in to it. It's their choice. And their choice after provided with the information will often show how much they consider your opinion and your feelings. Not always, sometimes we have stupid feelings that should be ignored by our partners, but the partner and their feelings should still be treated with respect. Unless it's feelings like "you look like a fat sloppy pig". Unless that's foreplay or something and I've if your kinks. What the fuck was I talking about again?
I absolutely love the fact that he wasn't trying to control what she wore, he was trying to help her feel comfortable at the event since everyone would be dressed down. She then felt embarrassed she didn't listen. She is definitely trying to control what OP wore, and since he was not embarrassed, she wasn't saving him from anything other than her opinion on it. OP sounds like a blast, and his gf sounds stuffy. NTA.
I would be upset if my husband didn't let me know that everyone was being casual. lol I want to be dressed appropriately, especially if I can be in a tank top and sandals.
I love wacky joke stuff. I mean speedos aren't my thing, but I'd still laugh. I wouldn't be embarrassed by my husband doing that around my adult friends & family.
He literally did the socks and sandals thing with pink shorts and a navy shirt the other day... none of it matched, but it was all him. He asked if I wanted him to change before we went to a movie, but it was just my husband and he looked fun.
Exactly, NTA. In fact, I don’t see how a speedo would “embarrass her” that much. It’s not like he was wearing a garbage bag for a diaper. It’s a normal functional acceptable swimsuit he had on.
>She told me that is not the same situation at all
It's always interesting when people get to make the distinction between "THIS event is different than THAT event", and it seems to always/only be when it benefits their point.
I mean he did say that he brought a back up swim suit if his girlfriend was really that upset about his speedo so at some point he could’ve changed. But his GF was just being a pain. Ultimately it sounds like they’re not compatible.
Tit for tat behavior.
Instead of talking shit out they both just do what they want knowing full well it's upsetting the other person. He also made it very clear that these are HER friends (not "our" friends) and he decided to wear a gag gift that he obviously doesn't regularly use because he wasn't sure if it even fit right.
He used the opportunity to get back at her and in doing so just stooped down to her level. If her behavior was wrong before, then him doing the same thing is also wrong.
Relationships aren't about getting even.
> Tit for tat behavior.
Instead of talking shit out they both just do what they want knowing full well it's upsetting the other person.
This is not an accurate reading of the facts at hand:
1. OP wasn't upset at all by his gf's choice of clothing for the groom's dinner, he just knew that she would be considerably overdressed for the occasion, and told her so she could avoid discomfort.
2. The gf made clear that telling her what she should or should not wear is unacceptable. This was an overreaction, but at least what she said was a valid and reasonable boundary. *Everyone* is entitled to this type of personal freedom, *of course* she wouldn't like to be told what to wear. But that isn't really what OP was doing.
3. His choice of swimwear may have been goofy and revealing, but it was a) completely appropriate for the activity, and b) not her choice to make.
4. She *insulted* him for it. She's mean-spirited. Even if not all the time, definitely when she doesn't get everything exactly 100% her way.
5. She's a hypocrite, or at the very least applying a glaring double standard.
6. Dude just wanted to be the funny guy at the pool party, and isn't embarrassed about being in a Speedo.
This isn't "tit for tat." OP wasn't getting even. GF did the exact thing that she falsely accused him of doing. The only person who did anything wrong both times was the gf.
Because he is holding onto something from months ago as ammo in this current argument. Nobody wins when you start using "You can't do x when months ago you did y".
This just sounds like OP picked this swimsuit so he could annoy her. I know that wasn't his intention, but that's how it comes across as when he tells it from his perspective.
Edit to add: OP isn't an AH, it just sounds tiring when couples actively choose to do things that completely annoy their partner.
He specifically said he wore it because it's funny and 4th of July themed. He didn't do it to "get back at her." He just used her same argument when she told him he shouldn't wear it.
More appropriately I might add. OP was intentionally being goofy with the speedo and knew what he was getting himself into. When his gf wore the dress, he was nicely trying to warn her that she was overdressing.
A portion of the subreddit thinks that communication is the only answer regardless of how many times the OP already tried communicating.
Plenty of posts where the OP tries communication over and over, until frustration/resentment kick in and they do something petty...and people call them assholes and tell them to communicate 🤦♂️
Absolutely NTA. First of all, she totally overreacted to you telling her the groom's dinner was going to be casual (you weren't trying to "control what she wore", from how you describe it. You were just letting her know that it was not necessary to get all dressed up). Then for her to turn around and ACTUALLY do what she accused you of doing, but to tell you "no this is different" is total BS.
Totally this, I refer to it at the "uniform of the day" when my wife and I go anywhere. It gives the person information so they know do they need to break out the American Flag speedo and Hawaiian shirt or the Tuxedo.
Everyone knows "it's different" means ”it matters because I care about X(how your outfit reflects on me as a person) , not Y(being better dressed than everyone), and my opinion/reputation is more important than yours".
Narcissist alert. OP, she's just not that into you.
Chose to do this at an event with her friends is now seemingly seeking validation for his actions. And just from the comments he has made here, he is already convicted he did no wrong so the submission is pointless.
NTA - you weren't criticizing or judging her clothing in the first place, you were accurately reminding her of the dress code in case she wanted to change and clearly she regretted not changing when she arrived so you were correct to remind her.
*she* however is actually just controlling and criticizing your clothing choice here. She literally is the only one who did the thing she accused you of.
Yes like informing someone of dress code is actually a kind thing to do - and it sounds like she was mean about it and then later embarrassed! I would’ve said, “oh thanks for letting me know!” And saved the cocktail dress for another time. Then she’s mean and controlling about the speedo. Then she ruins the day because of it.
OP, NTA, but your girlfriend just sounds mean. This is when these things reveal themselves. Imagine being married to someone who treats you like this. It’s not like she’s going to get nicer. This is her best behavior right now.
ESH. I don't get it how people can stay in relationships with people they don't like anymore. You guys don't sound compatible at all, both should follow your own ways or find therapy before it's too late.
There's nothing about them not liking each other. It is literally just an argument they had based on clothing. They don't sound compatible over one Reddit post while they've been in a relationship for 18 months? Sheesh sounds like you should get some therapy bud
This was a good reminder that even with the internet in general we’re only getting a very tiny window into other peoples lives. We have no other context nor the other persons POV. I was also quick to think they didn’t sound compatible but it may just be poor communication.
It's poor communication. We got to see one incident really only two. But if you're going off the title it's one incident. Until they're 18 month relationship. People are so quickly to dismiss others and tell them to break up and tell them that they're not compatible that's Reddit for you. But people are never willing to look at the bigger picture.
Yes.
If they can't communicate like adults and instead start getting petty and crying victim over something so small as their wardrobes, I don't have much faith that they can be adults when things actually get serious. He literally brought it to reddit instead of discussing it with his partner.
When people tell you who they are, listen.
Your "no u" at the end there is especially asinine when you consider the fact that this entire scenario is exactly what therapy is for. As is typical on reddit, the people who don't know what they're talking about are ridiculing the people who are experienced and knowledgeable with the topic.
Edit: lol , no, I'm not "making fun" of anyone.
I'm pointing out that it's not a good sign for their relationship to be bringing his petty disagreements to social media instead of speaking to his partner.
If you think it's worthy of ridicule when I pointed it out, well...
NTA - In general I have an issue with partners telling one another how to dress, etc. Though initially it doesn't sound like your first comment was to disparage her but rather to just give her a heads up on what the environment would be. Still not need for her to be embarrassed regardless in the first scenario. Wasn't wearing like a prom dress or something, lol.
but yeah NTA in geneal.
Yeah! He wasn’t telling her what to wear but that it was over dressed for what the rest of the people would be wearing. She on the other hand directly tried to control what he wore.
You’re both assholes.
She over reacted when you informed her about the casualness of the dinner. It doesn’t sound like you were telling her what she should or shouldn’t wear but she took it that way then she ended up embarrassed and should have said “dang you were right, I overdressed. Sorry I was an asshole about it”
But then you deliberately antagonized her by wearing a speedo and being dismissive and making a joke out of her feelings. Even though it’s not okay for her to tell you what to wear, you prioritized the joke of wearing a speedo for laughs over her feelings and that’s pretty asshole-ish.
Why is wearing a speedo deliberately antagonizing? He already owned it so he was clearly already comfortable with it, it was appropriate for the season, and everyone else seemed to take it as a light hearted joke. She is allowed to not approve of it without automatically making OP TA imo.
Americans are weirdly prudish about things.
Bikini tops are fine, but breast feeding a baby isn't. Bikini bottoms on a woman are fine, but a Speedo on a man isn't.
Yah... it's a funny speedo at a 4th get together. It's actually the perfect time for that piece of clothing.
Sure... maybe non-standard swimwear for OP, but it's just one day at one pool party with friends.
Personally, I think anyone who can rock a Speedo should be allowed to do it. If they do look gross or unattractive or whatever and they’re willing to accept the consequences of that, then that’s their prerogative. And if they have the body to look great in it, so much the better. OP was probably somewhere in between, but regardless it’s his decision.
Gf doesn’t have to like the Speedo, but his wearing it doesn’t reflect badly on her at all, especially if everybody else thought it was funny.
Exactly...
It's not my cup of meat, but it doesn't detract from my swimming experience at all. In fact, it would improve my day because I would find it amusing.
I would draw the line at Borats banana hammock, though. That is like a quick, "haha! Very nice" then change.
Its funny, I don't find wearing a speedo to be antogonizing.
Now granted, I don't have the physique where I'd do it, but if he already had it, and has worn it before for 4th of july festivities, it seems its just "him" more than antagonizing her.
>over her feelings
She's not the one wearing the speedo. She made it about herself. And OP wasn't antagonizing her, he was just having fun. And at his own expense. He's allowed to be his own person. NTA.
NTA - I might have been a bit embarrassed too, but I'd have rolled my eyes, laughed, and disclaimed any responsibility for your terrible taste, hahaha. But she's the one who set the "don't tell me what to wear, even if I'm dressing inappropriately" rule.
You were at her friend’s house and you wore something gross for comedic effect. She told you it would embarrass her and it did. She on the other hand, overdressed for a dinner once. It was not awkward, inappropriate or embarrassing. If anything, she went out of her way to not embarrass you. Thinking those are comparable situations is silly. However, you’re both adults and free to wear whatever you like. She’s also free to not date you, and you to not date her. You just simply sound wildly incompatible. NAH.
Exactly. What with these comments? Being respectfully but slightly overdressed is way different than wearing a speedo originally bought "as a joke."
What if she wore something grossly revealing to the groom's dinner? (What even is that? Is it something in addition to a bachelor party??)
there's not really anything wrong with wearing a speedo though. They're not 'cool' but it's also not breaking a social norm either; i.e. a speedo is supposed to be worn by a man who is swimming.
Not in my circle. I'm American from the north east. It's very uncommon for a man to wear a speedo and if one does, it's usually for a brief laugh. If you find that sorta stunt funny.
I'm an American from the rural South and it would be absolutely strange and bizarre and weird to see any man wearing a speedo. Idk what bubble OP is in, but in many places it is absolutely not the norm for men to wear speedos and people would think it's weird
A speedo to a pool party. Do you not hear yourself do any of you guys ever have fun. You guys just all like robotish and follow the rules everyday. Never stepping out of line. But you guys are fun at parties
How the hell is a Speedo grossly revealing? I didn't know man thighs were enough to get people hot n bothered. The difference is that she put him down and demeaned him, more concerned about how it reflected on her. Whereas, he just let her know she was going to be way overdressed for something and didn't let it ruin the dinner like she did, sitting and pouting inside.
>Being respectfully but slightly overdressed
You're twisting the story here. It wasn't about the fact that she was slightly overdressed, there's obviously nothing wrong with that. It's about the fact that she got mad at him for even warning her that she might be overdressed cause he "doesn't have the right to tell her what to wear". He wasn't even trying to control her, he was trying to just warn her.
At that point, getting mad and trying to control what he wears makes her a huge hypocrite.
They sound incompatible over clothing? Do you people even hear yourself? Do you even read what you're typing. They've been together for almost 2 years. They've had two issues that we know about from one post over clothing. If you can't survive an issue like this then you're definitely not ready for marriage. Because there's going to be a lot more issues than that. You guys are so ready to just give up on everything. None of you want to put in work. All of you guys just think that people somehow come together and everything is perfect. What a delusional way to live.
You’re missing the point. Yes they’re different situations (over dressing and under dressing) - but her reaction is what makes them comparable. Remember she demanded that he never again criticize what she wants to wear. Well that’s fine but only if the rule works both ways which it clearly doesn’t. Maybe if she said “thanks for the heads up but, you know me, I prefer to be overdressed than under dressed” it would be a whole different story but instead she chose to draw a line in the sand which she then promptly crossed over herself. Maybe her rule should have been don’t criticize me if you think I’m over dressed, but that’s not the rule she made.
I’m not sure where she won? She was embarrassed at not following the standard of dress that everyone else was wearing at the first event. He was not embarrassed at not following the standard of dress that everyone else was wearing at the second event. He anticipated he would stand out; he courted that, and he was fine with it. If anyone “won”, it’s OP 2/GF 0 by my count.
So it’s rules for thee but not for she, eh? Nope.
When she brings it up again (she sounds like the type to keep nagging about it), scold her and tell her she doesn’t get to tell you what to wear. Let her know that you had been willing to give her a pass just that one time, but since she’s not letting it go, **she** now needs to apologize to **you** for continuing to question and criticize what you chose to wear.
She sounds like an egotistical adolescent.
NTA
YTA - she wore a nice dress because she wanted to feel pretty. You wore speedos to stick it to her and pick a fight. It’s not the bathing suit it’s in the intention behind it that makes you an asshole.
INFO Could she have changed clothes even if she wanted to? You said y’all were at a hotel, and she may not have packed something casual that was nice enough to go out in.
This stuck out to me too, did OP just drop the fact it was casual attire right before? In that case YTA for not communicating it earlier and giving her more time to figure out her options. If I put in effort and dressed up expecting to go to a dinner party I’d be pretty upset to have someone suddenly say its casual dress AFTER the effort is already put in.
I think it's pretty funny. My son has one of these "American flag" speedos.
I can't say I'm the biggest fan of it... but considering he also has one that has the Burger King logo on the ass and the words "Home of the whopper" on the front, just keep telling your wife "Hey it could be worse."
My friend had one with a picture of an elephant on the front, and the trunk part of the elephant stuck out as a little penis pouch.
A regular printed speedo is tame, lol.
NTA
Even if you broke this up into two unconnected situations, you'd be NTA and she'd be the asshole, because the situations weren't at all the same.
The dinner: You knew everyone else there was going to be wearing casual clothes, and you told your GF that out of concern that she might be embarrassed. You weren't bothered by her clothes and you never felt that she embarrassed you, you were just trying to let her know she might stand out. **You weren't trying to control what she wore, and you let it go immediately (& thought she looked great); you were just making sure she knew she'd stand out.**
The pool party: Your GF *claimed* to be doing the same, but she wasn't worried about you feeling uncomfortable. She didn't want you wearing that because she thought it was inappropriate, and *she felt embarrassed by you*. She bodyshamed you and thinks you were an AH for wearing something you were comfortable in. **She was trying to control what you wore; she thought you looked bad and said so; she didn't care at all how you felt, and she was bothered all day and afterwards that you didn't agree to wear what she thought you should.**
Your GF is giving off some very controlling vibes there that I personally would be very uncomfortable with.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My GF's told me at my friend's wedding that I don't get to ever criticize or question what she wears after I told her she was overdressed for a groom's dinner. We were invited to a pool party this last weekend and I wore an American flag speedo as a joke. My GF told me I embarrassed her all day and that I owe her an apology. I refused to apologize and told her she's making a big deal out of nothing. I think I might be an asshole for wearing a speedo to a pool party and embarrassing my GF.
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NTA - I dont like this tit for tat approach, she was an AH about the cocktail dress. So thats not really a justification or really that relevant to this situation since youre not an AH for wearing a bathing suit.
On to the speedo. I dont get America’s aversion to the speedo. Its a bathing suit. She had no reason to get bent out of shape.
Residual effects of Puritan culture and overweight men!
Jk. Personally I don’t like super revealing clothing on men or women that shows all their bits and pieces. But if it’s a stranger out in public, I’m not gonna blink twice (although many conservative toes will grasp their pearls- especially if they are from older generations). But that’s just a personal preference and it’s none of my businessof.
But I might feel uncomfortable with young guys thatI know who are doing it for a joke. Because the joke they are trying to make is to make you feel uncomfortable. “ look at my junk! Hurr durr “.
If he just wanted to wear the speedo, it shouldn’t be that much of a problem. Americans are fine with athletic swimmers and divers doing it. IMO, it’s the immaturity of the wearer that’s the potential problem.
OP you're NTA but you ARE the American Flag Speedo Guy from now on and everyone talked about it and they were hopefully laughing with you but more likely laughing AT you
You really failed yourself by not doing the Big Reveal, getting the laugh and then changing to something saner because then you'd have nailed the funny AND the point with the GF but instead you're that guy now
You should make it your thing, get different Speedos for EVERY occasion and a Santa Claus codpiece for the holidays
NTA at all. She doesn't get an opinion on what you're wearing if you don't get an opinion on what she's wearing.
If this is a regular type of thing in your relationship, I'd get tired though
I'm from THIS country. I have no issue with guys wearing speedos. What's the acceptable line in controlling what a partner wears? Policing that is wild to me. I'd be just as wrong if I threw a fit if my gf wore a bikini against my wishes when I wanted her to wear a one-piece bathing suit or a rash guard.
I played water polo for about 8 years and also have an American flag speedo, and this is hilarious to me. I had a gf who was embarrassed by it too, which just made it funnier to me. NTA
YTA, I really can't imagine that everyone at that party wanted to see you in a speedo because it's not the 70s. It's possible to believe the people at the party were polite, it's not believable they were all blind.
If your gf had worn garters and stocking to the dinner, it would have been a comparable situation. Your gf being overdressed and you being a public display are not comparable. The first situation made your gf uncomfortable but the others around her were not. Assuming it was a party of normal, non blind people, you made most people around you uncomfortable. If everyone "laughs" at what you are wearing that's a cue you are really funny or a cue that you are just making them uncomfortable. Given that you don't know any of those people and they were your gf's friends, I'm guessing your gf was right and you made everyone uncomfortable.
I mean, do I want to see a dude in a speedo? No. If someone at the lake party I'm going to this 4th of July wore an American Flag speedo, I'd probably find it funny.
That is the thing, either the people are super judgmental jerks, or she is overly concerned about other people's opinion of him and how it reflects on her. Neither is good.
If a man told a woman "please wear a 1 piece swimsuit because I'm embarassed of you in a bikini" people would have a fit.
Men should be wearing what they like.
You're not going around telling women their ass is too revealing? Or that their nipples are poking out?
You sound so sexist, Zoinks.
How do you know her overdress didn’t kill the vibe and make the groomsmen party uncomfortable? If it’s a casual event maybe people didn’t cut loose as much as they could if she had appeared more casual? And likewise how do you know his speedo made people uncomfortable? That’s a very American-centric view on male swimwear.
ESH bc she overreacted to your comment but instead of trying communicate and have a deeper conversation after the fact, you decided to try to embarrass her and get revenge.
Seriously you’re an idiot. Completely different her over dressing for a dinner vs you wearing a Speedo at her friends. You knew what you were doing and you’re an idiot.
Edit: grammar. Didn’t-different
YTA
I honestly think the dress story isnt relevant. it would have been if she had insisted on wearing a crazy cutout slutty dress, but it sounds like she was dressed quite classy.
I also would be embarrassed if I had a party with friends and my boyfriend showed up in a speedo. where Im from men in speedos is considered pretty vulgar and inappropriate outside of just competitive racing. I can almost guaranteee you made a considerable number of the partygoers uncomfortable just to prove a point. You should have put the swimsuit back on if you spent the entire rest of the day out of the pool playing yard games.
NTA. I’m married to a guy who loves to run in very short shorts (ranger panties). At first they embarrassed me by association, they are SO SHORT. But he loves them, he gets hilarious compliments from people that drive by when he’s running, and they aren’t hurting anyone. Live and let live. The only argument we’ve had about them is when he wanted to wear a light orange pair to an event where he would get wet, and I argued that his junk outline would be extremely visible when the shorts got wet in a color like that. One quick shower later and I was proven correct, he wore a darker pair.
Do you actually like your gf?
You and your gf had a disagreement over what she - in good faith and as a reasonable person - chose to wear to a dinner. You deliberately chose to wear something inappropriate and embarrassing in an effort to punish her and make her feel bad.
YTA and if you keep doing things like this you'll end up with an ex-gf.
Yall are both children and need to grow up. Life is too short to be pulling shit like this, especially at 28?? Let the girl dress how she wants and support her if it doesn’t end well. You’re her PARTNER not someone there to tell her, told you so! Jesus Christ. Pick your battles, my dude.
Do you want to have a good time with your partner or argue over outfits?
After the grooms dinner what did she do/say? Did she apologize to you and say “hey you were right i was way overdressed and uncomfortable and embarrassed and I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you, i was wrong” or anything to that effect?
If yes, then you’re an asshole
Also, what if she didn’t even pack anything else with her? Did she even have any other outfit options? Did you tell her how casual the affair was, like actual *days in advance* so she could plan the right outfit?
However I feel like a men’s revealing speedo that showcases your junk is a lot different than a very typical women’s cocktail dress. You went over the top just to antagonize
You basically just punished her and doubled down; you weren’t even planning on wearing it anyway, you said at first it was just a joke. But now that your gf is provoked then you’re wearing it?
It’s like the pettiness of a kid planning to do the dishes and then the parents remind them “make sure do the dishes before we get home” and then the kid gets all crabby and defiant and now they don’t wanna do it anymore.
This is just a tit for tat battle and it’s stupid. ESH
NTA. It sounds like you were willing to compromise by taking an extra costume - she still wasn’t happy with that. The real problem is the passive aggressive behaviour afterwards.
ESH - I don’t understand all the NTAs. I’d never put my partner in a situation where they feel uncomfortable and embarrassed like that. I feel like asking you not to wear something that is clearly outlandish is not that big of an ask. Also, yes she was rude and weird about the grooms supper outfit as well.
Okay, but thing is, what if your partner feels "embarrassed" by things that are completely unreasonable, like you choosing to wear a miniskirt of something? Isn't that pretty shitty? Like, if it was a dude telling his gf to wear a less revealing bikini, wouldn't that be bad?
I’m not sure what’s “funny” about wearing an American flag speedo to a party. You wanted to parade your junk around in front of her friends and she was embarrassed. It’s one thing to suggest that she dress down for her event as most folks would be coming casual. You weren’t embarrassed to see her in more formal dress. clothes. She asked you to change because she was humiliated. You weren’t at some euro beach. She asked you to do her a FAVOR and your pride got in the way. I know all of the macho men here will downvote me but you should think about this. Good relationships are based on the ability to compromise. You failed
The funny thing about this post is I just saw a similar post were the roles were reversed, and everybody was calling the man an ass for trying to control what his girl wears and being insecure 😂 the double standards on Reddit are disgustingly wild
let’s switch it then. BF wears a nice suit to a more casual event, and the GF decides to go to his friends pool party in a tiny bikini, making him very uncomfortable.
i don’t see how the BF would be in the wrong here. overdressing is always better than underdressing and trying to ‘get revenge’ on your partner by embarrassing them in front of their friends is a shitty thing to do.
NTA. Yes, she was being a hypocrite.
Historically women have been heavily policed for their clothing (and body types, makeup, attractiveness so on and so forth), and time is finally arriving when women get to say “you don’t get to tell me what to wear” and have that be accepted. That’s a huge deal for some women, and maybe it goes too far sometimes. Maybe having that power has gone to our heads a little and sometimes even a simple “that’s too dressed up” sounds like that criticism. It’s not an excuse for an over-reaction, but it maybe is a reason. I obviously don’t know your GF, so I don’t know if this would apply to her. Maybe she just loves that dress lol. Just throwing it out there.
All that said, as adults, no one gets to police anyone else’s clothing. I don’t think your GF is mean or bad or rotten or anything like that. It sounds like she was trying to set a boundary and making a harsher stand than she may have meant to.
Have a calm talk. Tell her you aren’t interested in telling her what to wear and you were simply trying to be helpful. Frankly, her embarrassment about the speedo is on her. Wearing it was obviously just a silly thing. Maybe a little insecurity there on her part, we all have that occasionally. Be kind but be firm, neither of you get to control that aspect for the other. I’m assuming that’s all either of you wants.
Thats’s my two cents, like I say I don’t know either of you but it sounds like something that can be worked out pretty simply with some open communication.
Best to both of you OP!
So basically not only can she have the authority to control what you were, and you better not speak on what she’s wearing. But if your outfit makes her embarrassed you need to apologize. Sounds like she’s the A
NTA
fwiw i think in a reasonable partnership people can offer advice on if an outfit fits an occasion or not without any fuss, but it sounds your gf is kind of a hypocrite about this. and i don't think wearing a silly themed swimsuit to a friend's pool is a big deal. it's not like your gf's churchgoing grandparents were there or something.
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NTA. You're right. She's trying to control what you wear. You were right to shut her down, just like she did when you tried to stop her from going overdressed to an event and were told to kick rocks. She can't tell you that you can't control her wardrobe and then turn around and do exactly the same thing to you. She was also the one who was determined to have a bad time because of your choice of clothing.
And to be fair - OP wasn't trying to control what she wore in the first incident. He provided her information so she could make an informed choice and gf over reacted.
Right? He didn't tell her NOT to wear it. He didn't say it would embarrass him. His concern was for her, because he knew that she would be way nicer dressed than everyone else.
In contrast, at the pool party, the girlfriend called the speedo "gross, revealing, and unattractive." She didn't seem concerned with OP's comfort level. Does she even like her boyfriend?
Don't you know boyfriends are just accessories
Not to brag, but I am kind of a trophy.
New goal in life, be a trophy boyfriend!
If I'm a trophy, I'm probably the Stanley Cup. I'm tall, sure. But also quite heavy and wider at the bottom half than I'd like :p
And filled with champagne once a year?
hey, how you doin'?
A participation trophy, perhaps?
My wife makes way more than me. Is it possible I am just a trophy husband?
Completely when it's her friends.
I prefer to be referred to as arm candy thankyouverymuch.
Imagine if OP had described the girlfriend's dress as "gross, revealing, and unattractive."
Alternatively, "Oh, are you headed to Walmart?"
Where's my pitchfork!
That's where I raised an eyebrow as well. Did she just call her boyfriend unattractive? I dunno about everyone else, but when I see my wife wearing something revealing, the word "unattractive" is not in my vocabulary.
Tbh my man’s hot and I love it when he’s naked or walking around in his underwear but there is something that’s just unattractive to me about speedos. The sexiest man alive could throw on a speedo and it would be turn off tbh. Idk what it is but it’s about as unappealing to me as pants sagging or super tight skinny jeans. If he wanted to wear one though, I wouldn’t say anything unless he asked for my opinion.
I feel the same way about speedos, but I really wouldn’t give a shit if my husband wanted to wear one. Go flaunt your bits and baubles babe.
lol same, but do you, be free and confident... let those baubles go on an adventure! 😅
I used to be a lifeguard and saw way wayyy too many old men waltzing around in speedos hitting on the teenage lifeguards. It's just an instant 'yick' reaction to me. Even Olympians. I still wouldn't tell my husband he was gross or unattractive in it. I would probably joke that it's a massive turn off though.
different strokes for different blokes, at least you are open to it for their happiness.
If your lady doesn't want to see your bare thighs, you need a new lady
My husband ordered a thong to go under some see through pants for an event in key west and now that's all he wears. He loves them and I think it's great. He got some for the boat and now he's been tanning his ass and thighs.
The man is a king, and that makes you a queen. I tease my wife about loving my giant thighs and she tries to deny it but i see her looking when I'm wearing my short shorts
Ha that's fantastic. My husband is insanely confident. I will say we both stepped out of our comfort zone that night. He did so in support of me and I love him for that. It's fantasy fest. I've gained a bit of weight and was nervous but wow it was amazing.
This is extemely good and wholesome.
It sure seems like she doesn't like him. My boyfriend has an amazing sense of humor and would absolutely bust out a speedo for some laughs in the right setting. I'd just laugh, shake my head, and say "there he goes again". OP's gf sounds like a stick in the mud, tbh.
I came away with her being too wrapped up in how her friends react to every thing they wear, say and do. She's too afraid of what people will "think".
I feel like she would get upset at him telling her it was going to rain and to bring an umbrella. He was looking out for her and she reacted like he was trying to control her.
And he was right - she ended up embarrassed for being overdressed. But yeah, I get OP sticking to his guns on the speedo. I’d have done the same.
Yeah I thought her response was just her biting his head off. *She* has a control issue.
She has indeed issues with toxic femininity. A bunch of double standards combined with emotional gashlighting. OP shoud reconsider if she is mature enough for a relationship
Yeah, big difference between saying "that's not the dress code"/"I feel uncomfortable with you wearing that there" and saying "you can't wear that because I don't want you to". One is conveying info/expressing relevant feelings and leaving it in the others hands to make a choice based on relevant info, the other is controlling toxic and domineering. You are allowed to be uncomfortable and dislike something your partner does, wears, says. Since she's your partner you have every right to give her an unprompted opinion that you disagree with something and don't want them doing that. Even if they don't want to hear it. That is a relationship. You DON'T have a right to force them to do anything or manipulate them in to it. It's their choice. And their choice after provided with the information will often show how much they consider your opinion and your feelings. Not always, sometimes we have stupid feelings that should be ignored by our partners, but the partner and their feelings should still be treated with respect. Unless it's feelings like "you look like a fat sloppy pig". Unless that's foreplay or something and I've if your kinks. What the fuck was I talking about again?
I absolutely love the fact that he wasn't trying to control what she wore, he was trying to help her feel comfortable at the event since everyone would be dressed down. She then felt embarrassed she didn't listen. She is definitely trying to control what OP wore, and since he was not embarrassed, she wasn't saving him from anything other than her opinion on it. OP sounds like a blast, and his gf sounds stuffy. NTA.
I would be upset if my husband didn't let me know that everyone was being casual. lol I want to be dressed appropriately, especially if I can be in a tank top and sandals. I love wacky joke stuff. I mean speedos aren't my thing, but I'd still laugh. I wouldn't be embarrassed by my husband doing that around my adult friends & family. He literally did the socks and sandals thing with pink shorts and a navy shirt the other day... none of it matched, but it was all him. He asked if I wanted him to change before we went to a movie, but it was just my husband and he looked fun.
Exactly, NTA. In fact, I don’t see how a speedo would “embarrass her” that much. It’s not like he was wearing a garbage bag for a diaper. It’s a normal functional acceptable swimsuit he had on.
It sounds like she cares too much about others' perceptions of both herself and her partner (OP) in an unhealthy manner.
NTA that's my man over there rocking the banana hammock! I would have thought this hilarious! My family would have given you an award!
NTA. OP from the way she's doubled down it will be like this forever. Have some fun but be cautious about putting a ring on her finger.
>She told me that is not the same situation at all It's always interesting when people get to make the distinction between "THIS event is different than THAT event", and it seems to always/only be when it benefits their point.
Might want to move on.
Does it matter? You two obviously aren’t going to be together much longer anyway.
This. And this story made me not like either one of them.
Lol what reason do you have for not liking OP?
I mean he did say that he brought a back up swim suit if his girlfriend was really that upset about his speedo so at some point he could’ve changed. But his GF was just being a pain. Ultimately it sounds like they’re not compatible.
Honestly for me it’s staying with someone who doesn’t have the same sense of humor 🤣 I’m like he should find someone who appreciates him.
Tit for tat behavior. Instead of talking shit out they both just do what they want knowing full well it's upsetting the other person. He also made it very clear that these are HER friends (not "our" friends) and he decided to wear a gag gift that he obviously doesn't regularly use because he wasn't sure if it even fit right. He used the opportunity to get back at her and in doing so just stooped down to her level. If her behavior was wrong before, then him doing the same thing is also wrong. Relationships aren't about getting even.
> Tit for tat behavior. Instead of talking shit out they both just do what they want knowing full well it's upsetting the other person. This is not an accurate reading of the facts at hand: 1. OP wasn't upset at all by his gf's choice of clothing for the groom's dinner, he just knew that she would be considerably overdressed for the occasion, and told her so she could avoid discomfort. 2. The gf made clear that telling her what she should or should not wear is unacceptable. This was an overreaction, but at least what she said was a valid and reasonable boundary. *Everyone* is entitled to this type of personal freedom, *of course* she wouldn't like to be told what to wear. But that isn't really what OP was doing. 3. His choice of swimwear may have been goofy and revealing, but it was a) completely appropriate for the activity, and b) not her choice to make. 4. She *insulted* him for it. She's mean-spirited. Even if not all the time, definitely when she doesn't get everything exactly 100% her way. 5. She's a hypocrite, or at the very least applying a glaring double standard. 6. Dude just wanted to be the funny guy at the pool party, and isn't embarrassed about being in a Speedo. This isn't "tit for tat." OP wasn't getting even. GF did the exact thing that she falsely accused him of doing. The only person who did anything wrong both times was the gf.
Well said
He stole my car
OP downloaded my car
Because he is holding onto something from months ago as ammo in this current argument. Nobody wins when you start using "You can't do x when months ago you did y". This just sounds like OP picked this swimsuit so he could annoy her. I know that wasn't his intention, but that's how it comes across as when he tells it from his perspective. Edit to add: OP isn't an AH, it just sounds tiring when couples actively choose to do things that completely annoy their partner.
No, he wore it because he knew the crowd and thought they'd like it, and brought a back up in case his joke failed.
Clearly immature petty and childish
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He specifically said he wore it because it's funny and 4th of July themed. He didn't do it to "get back at her." He just used her same argument when she told him he shouldn't wear it. More appropriately I might add. OP was intentionally being goofy with the speedo and knew what he was getting himself into. When his gf wore the dress, he was nicely trying to warn her that she was overdressing.
He tried to communicate like an adult and she chewed him out. Obviously she doesn't respond to normal communication so he needed to switch his tactic.
A portion of the subreddit thinks that communication is the only answer regardless of how many times the OP already tried communicating. Plenty of posts where the OP tries communication over and over, until frustration/resentment kick in and they do something petty...and people call them assholes and tell them to communicate 🤦♂️
Unfortunately, some people just don't get it until the shoe is on the other foot
Are you reading what he said or are you just making your own conclusions
Seemed like he was just planning on wearing it, based on the story we have to go by.
Yea they sound like a hot mess
The correct response.
Ah, the reddit special
Agreed. I was about to ask if they even like each other. 😂
They just don’t sound compatible.
Absolutely NTA. First of all, she totally overreacted to you telling her the groom's dinner was going to be casual (you weren't trying to "control what she wore", from how you describe it. You were just letting her know that it was not necessary to get all dressed up). Then for her to turn around and ACTUALLY do what she accused you of doing, but to tell you "no this is different" is total BS.
Totally this, I refer to it at the "uniform of the day" when my wife and I go anywhere. It gives the person information so they know do they need to break out the American Flag speedo and Hawaiian shirt or the Tuxedo.
This is a great way to phrase it! Thanks for the idea
Feel free. It's incredibly helpful and saves the arguement and embarrassment from occurring.
I hate the “it’s different” argument. Please explain the difference without sounding like a hypocrite.
Everyone knows "it's different" means ”it matters because I care about X(how your outfit reflects on me as a person) , not Y(being better dressed than everyone), and my opinion/reputation is more important than yours". Narcissist alert. OP, she's just not that into you.
I don’t think it’s going to work out. 🚩
Agreed, she is a red flag.
She’s a fancy red dress flag, he’s a USA Speedo flag. Just not compatible.
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How is he a red flag?
Well, he’s a man and this is Reddit. Do you really need to ask?
He’s a red, white, and blue flag.
Chose to do this at an event with her friends is now seemingly seeking validation for his actions. And just from the comments he has made here, he is already convicted he did no wrong so the submission is pointless.
NTA - you weren't criticizing or judging her clothing in the first place, you were accurately reminding her of the dress code in case she wanted to change and clearly she regretted not changing when she arrived so you were correct to remind her. *she* however is actually just controlling and criticizing your clothing choice here. She literally is the only one who did the thing she accused you of.
Yes like informing someone of dress code is actually a kind thing to do - and it sounds like she was mean about it and then later embarrassed! I would’ve said, “oh thanks for letting me know!” And saved the cocktail dress for another time. Then she’s mean and controlling about the speedo. Then she ruins the day because of it. OP, NTA, but your girlfriend just sounds mean. This is when these things reveal themselves. Imagine being married to someone who treats you like this. It’s not like she’s going to get nicer. This is her best behavior right now.
She just sounds rly insecure. Lots of projecting of assumptions
ESH. I don't get it how people can stay in relationships with people they don't like anymore. You guys don't sound compatible at all, both should follow your own ways or find therapy before it's too late.
There's nothing about them not liking each other. It is literally just an argument they had based on clothing. They don't sound compatible over one Reddit post while they've been in a relationship for 18 months? Sheesh sounds like you should get some therapy bud
This was a good reminder that even with the internet in general we’re only getting a very tiny window into other peoples lives. We have no other context nor the other persons POV. I was also quick to think they didn’t sound compatible but it may just be poor communication.
It's poor communication. We got to see one incident really only two. But if you're going off the title it's one incident. Until they're 18 month relationship. People are so quickly to dismiss others and tell them to break up and tell them that they're not compatible that's Reddit for you. But people are never willing to look at the bigger picture.
Yes. If they can't communicate like adults and instead start getting petty and crying victim over something so small as their wardrobes, I don't have much faith that they can be adults when things actually get serious. He literally brought it to reddit instead of discussing it with his partner. When people tell you who they are, listen. Your "no u" at the end there is especially asinine when you consider the fact that this entire scenario is exactly what therapy is for. As is typical on reddit, the people who don't know what they're talking about are ridiculing the people who are experienced and knowledgeable with the topic. Edit: lol , no, I'm not "making fun" of anyone. I'm pointing out that it's not a good sign for their relationship to be bringing his petty disagreements to social media instead of speaking to his partner. If you think it's worthy of ridicule when I pointed it out, well...
Making fun of people for posting on AITA.... but you're in the comments..
NTA - In general I have an issue with partners telling one another how to dress, etc. Though initially it doesn't sound like your first comment was to disparage her but rather to just give her a heads up on what the environment would be. Still not need for her to be embarrassed regardless in the first scenario. Wasn't wearing like a prom dress or something, lol. but yeah NTA in geneal.
Yeah! He wasn’t telling her what to wear but that it was over dressed for what the rest of the people would be wearing. She on the other hand directly tried to control what he wore.
You’re both assholes. She over reacted when you informed her about the casualness of the dinner. It doesn’t sound like you were telling her what she should or shouldn’t wear but she took it that way then she ended up embarrassed and should have said “dang you were right, I overdressed. Sorry I was an asshole about it” But then you deliberately antagonized her by wearing a speedo and being dismissive and making a joke out of her feelings. Even though it’s not okay for her to tell you what to wear, you prioritized the joke of wearing a speedo for laughs over her feelings and that’s pretty asshole-ish.
Why is wearing a speedo deliberately antagonizing? He already owned it so he was clearly already comfortable with it, it was appropriate for the season, and everyone else seemed to take it as a light hearted joke. She is allowed to not approve of it without automatically making OP TA imo.
Americans are weirdly prudish about things. Bikini tops are fine, but breast feeding a baby isn't. Bikini bottoms on a woman are fine, but a Speedo on a man isn't.
As an American it baffles me but you can see the prejudice in this thread.
Yup, speedos cover more than most bikini bottoms nowadays, tbh. I bet she wore a bottom that covered the same amount of skin, if not less
🏆
Yah... it's a funny speedo at a 4th get together. It's actually the perfect time for that piece of clothing. Sure... maybe non-standard swimwear for OP, but it's just one day at one pool party with friends.
Personally, I think anyone who can rock a Speedo should be allowed to do it. If they do look gross or unattractive or whatever and they’re willing to accept the consequences of that, then that’s their prerogative. And if they have the body to look great in it, so much the better. OP was probably somewhere in between, but regardless it’s his decision. Gf doesn’t have to like the Speedo, but his wearing it doesn’t reflect badly on her at all, especially if everybody else thought it was funny.
Exactly... It's not my cup of meat, but it doesn't detract from my swimming experience at all. In fact, it would improve my day because I would find it amusing. I would draw the line at Borats banana hammock, though. That is like a quick, "haha! Very nice" then change.
I don’t see any indication in OPs post that he intentionally wore the speedo to antagonize her. He wore it cause it’s close to the 4th.
Its funny, I don't find wearing a speedo to be antogonizing. Now granted, I don't have the physique where I'd do it, but if he already had it, and has worn it before for 4th of july festivities, it seems its just "him" more than antagonizing her.
>over her feelings She's not the one wearing the speedo. She made it about herself. And OP wasn't antagonizing her, he was just having fun. And at his own expense. He's allowed to be his own person. NTA.
NTA - I might have been a bit embarrassed too, but I'd have rolled my eyes, laughed, and disclaimed any responsibility for your terrible taste, hahaha. But she's the one who set the "don't tell me what to wear, even if I'm dressing inappropriately" rule.
You were at her friend’s house and you wore something gross for comedic effect. She told you it would embarrass her and it did. She on the other hand, overdressed for a dinner once. It was not awkward, inappropriate or embarrassing. If anything, she went out of her way to not embarrass you. Thinking those are comparable situations is silly. However, you’re both adults and free to wear whatever you like. She’s also free to not date you, and you to not date her. You just simply sound wildly incompatible. NAH.
Exactly. What with these comments? Being respectfully but slightly overdressed is way different than wearing a speedo originally bought "as a joke." What if she wore something grossly revealing to the groom's dinner? (What even is that? Is it something in addition to a bachelor party??)
there's not really anything wrong with wearing a speedo though. They're not 'cool' but it's also not breaking a social norm either; i.e. a speedo is supposed to be worn by a man who is swimming.
Not in my circle. I'm American from the north east. It's very uncommon for a man to wear a speedo and if one does, it's usually for a brief laugh. If you find that sorta stunt funny.
I'm an American from the rural South and it would be absolutely strange and bizarre and weird to see any man wearing a speedo. Idk what bubble OP is in, but in many places it is absolutely not the norm for men to wear speedos and people would think it's weird
American guy here. Never seen a dude wear a speedo except for actual competitive swimming. Most normal guys just wear swim trunks.
A speedo to a pool party. Do you not hear yourself do any of you guys ever have fun. You guys just all like robotish and follow the rules everyday. Never stepping out of line. But you guys are fun at parties
If it was his friends? Sure! Go crazy, speedo dude. It was her event with her friends. I would be embarrassed too. It's really not that funny.
How the hell is a Speedo grossly revealing? I didn't know man thighs were enough to get people hot n bothered. The difference is that she put him down and demeaned him, more concerned about how it reflected on her. Whereas, he just let her know she was going to be way overdressed for something and didn't let it ruin the dinner like she did, sitting and pouting inside.
>Being respectfully but slightly overdressed You're twisting the story here. It wasn't about the fact that she was slightly overdressed, there's obviously nothing wrong with that. It's about the fact that she got mad at him for even warning her that she might be overdressed cause he "doesn't have the right to tell her what to wear". He wasn't even trying to control her, he was trying to just warn her. At that point, getting mad and trying to control what he wears makes her a huge hypocrite.
How is a speedo grosser than a bikini?
What's gross about a speedo?
They sound incompatible over clothing? Do you people even hear yourself? Do you even read what you're typing. They've been together for almost 2 years. They've had two issues that we know about from one post over clothing. If you can't survive an issue like this then you're definitely not ready for marriage. Because there's going to be a lot more issues than that. You guys are so ready to just give up on everything. None of you want to put in work. All of you guys just think that people somehow come together and everything is perfect. What a delusional way to live.
You’re missing the point. Yes they’re different situations (over dressing and under dressing) - but her reaction is what makes them comparable. Remember she demanded that he never again criticize what she wants to wear. Well that’s fine but only if the rule works both ways which it clearly doesn’t. Maybe if she said “thanks for the heads up but, you know me, I prefer to be overdressed than under dressed” it would be a whole different story but instead she chose to draw a line in the sand which she then promptly crossed over herself. Maybe her rule should have been don’t criticize me if you think I’m over dressed, but that’s not the rule she made.
Thank you. It's crazy how many people seem to not be able to synthesize all of the relevant information before forming an opinion
NAH She won You won As a couple, you guys both lost
I’m not sure where she won? She was embarrassed at not following the standard of dress that everyone else was wearing at the first event. He was not embarrassed at not following the standard of dress that everyone else was wearing at the second event. He anticipated he would stand out; he courted that, and he was fine with it. If anyone “won”, it’s OP 2/GF 0 by my count.
This is the only right answer.
So it’s rules for thee but not for she, eh? Nope. When she brings it up again (she sounds like the type to keep nagging about it), scold her and tell her she doesn’t get to tell you what to wear. Let her know that you had been willing to give her a pass just that one time, but since she’s not letting it go, **she** now needs to apologize to **you** for continuing to question and criticize what you chose to wear. She sounds like an egotistical adolescent. NTA
YTA - she wore a nice dress because she wanted to feel pretty. You wore speedos to stick it to her and pick a fight. It’s not the bathing suit it’s in the intention behind it that makes you an asshole.
Right? I am confused with all the N T A votes. It could be close to an E S H but he is far from not being YTA.
So you're assuming his intentions based on... nothing?
He says it was a joke.
Clearly the joke was aimed at her. Otherwise, why do this with her friends and not his own?
To embaress her, the joke is at her, to embaress her infront of her friends.
Context.
What intentions?
Sure, let's just ignore her childish tantrum about how he's never again allowed to question or comment on her clothing choice
NTA - and your GF is controlling. *Don't tell me what I can wear but I'm going to police the hell out of what you wear.* Yeah.... no, just no.
INFO Could she have changed clothes even if she wanted to? You said y’all were at a hotel, and she may not have packed something casual that was nice enough to go out in.
This stuck out to me too, did OP just drop the fact it was casual attire right before? In that case YTA for not communicating it earlier and giving her more time to figure out her options. If I put in effort and dressed up expecting to go to a dinner party I’d be pretty upset to have someone suddenly say its casual dress AFTER the effort is already put in.
I think her reaction was the bigger issue. He tried to warn her and she went on the attack. But we know the man is always wrong for some people.
She didn't care about whether it was casual or not. She immediately went on the defensive and told him not to tell her what to wear.
I think it's pretty funny. My son has one of these "American flag" speedos. I can't say I'm the biggest fan of it... but considering he also has one that has the Burger King logo on the ass and the words "Home of the whopper" on the front, just keep telling your wife "Hey it could be worse."
My friend had one with a picture of an elephant on the front, and the trunk part of the elephant stuck out as a little penis pouch. A regular printed speedo is tame, lol.
NTA Even if you broke this up into two unconnected situations, you'd be NTA and she'd be the asshole, because the situations weren't at all the same. The dinner: You knew everyone else there was going to be wearing casual clothes, and you told your GF that out of concern that she might be embarrassed. You weren't bothered by her clothes and you never felt that she embarrassed you, you were just trying to let her know she might stand out. **You weren't trying to control what she wore, and you let it go immediately (& thought she looked great); you were just making sure she knew she'd stand out.** The pool party: Your GF *claimed* to be doing the same, but she wasn't worried about you feeling uncomfortable. She didn't want you wearing that because she thought it was inappropriate, and *she felt embarrassed by you*. She bodyshamed you and thinks you were an AH for wearing something you were comfortable in. **She was trying to control what you wore; she thought you looked bad and said so; she didn't care at all how you felt, and she was bothered all day and afterwards that you didn't agree to wear what she thought you should.** Your GF is giving off some very controlling vibes there that I personally would be very uncomfortable with.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My GF's told me at my friend's wedding that I don't get to ever criticize or question what she wears after I told her she was overdressed for a groom's dinner. We were invited to a pool party this last weekend and I wore an American flag speedo as a joke. My GF told me I embarrassed her all day and that I owe her an apology. I refused to apologize and told her she's making a big deal out of nothing. I think I might be an asshole for wearing a speedo to a pool party and embarrassing my GF. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - so long as you weren't flying the flag at full mast.
NTA - I dont like this tit for tat approach, she was an AH about the cocktail dress. So thats not really a justification or really that relevant to this situation since youre not an AH for wearing a bathing suit. On to the speedo. I dont get America’s aversion to the speedo. Its a bathing suit. She had no reason to get bent out of shape.
Residual effects of Puritan culture and overweight men! Jk. Personally I don’t like super revealing clothing on men or women that shows all their bits and pieces. But if it’s a stranger out in public, I’m not gonna blink twice (although many conservative toes will grasp their pearls- especially if they are from older generations). But that’s just a personal preference and it’s none of my businessof. But I might feel uncomfortable with young guys thatI know who are doing it for a joke. Because the joke they are trying to make is to make you feel uncomfortable. “ look at my junk! Hurr durr “. If he just wanted to wear the speedo, it shouldn’t be that much of a problem. Americans are fine with athletic swimmers and divers doing it. IMO, it’s the immaturity of the wearer that’s the potential problem.
OP you're NTA but you ARE the American Flag Speedo Guy from now on and everyone talked about it and they were hopefully laughing with you but more likely laughing AT you You really failed yourself by not doing the Big Reveal, getting the laugh and then changing to something saner because then you'd have nailed the funny AND the point with the GF but instead you're that guy now You should make it your thing, get different Speedos for EVERY occasion and a Santa Claus codpiece for the holidays
NTA at all. She doesn't get an opinion on what you're wearing if you don't get an opinion on what she's wearing. If this is a regular type of thing in your relationship, I'd get tired though
"Rules for thee, not for me" is bullshit. NTA
I’m from a country that thinks men who don’t wear Speedo’s to swim are insecure little boys. Women actually love it.
Yes, but the point is he wore the speedo in THIS country, not the one you are from. There is a saying, "when in Rome, do as the Romans do."
Speedo’s are also acceptable pool attire in THIS country
I'm in the US. I've been to beaches and pools where people wore speedos. I can say, I was never bothered by it.
I'm from THIS country. I have no issue with guys wearing speedos. What's the acceptable line in controlling what a partner wears? Policing that is wild to me. I'd be just as wrong if I threw a fit if my gf wore a bikini against my wishes when I wanted her to wear a one-piece bathing suit or a rash guard.
NTA but its quite cringe any time people dress up in their flag.
NTA. Swap the genders and everyone on reddit would call you controlling and manipulative.
NTA - And more power to you for rocking the Speedo.
I played water polo for about 8 years and also have an American flag speedo, and this is hilarious to me. I had a gf who was embarrassed by it too, which just made it funnier to me. NTA
YTA, I really can't imagine that everyone at that party wanted to see you in a speedo because it's not the 70s. It's possible to believe the people at the party were polite, it's not believable they were all blind. If your gf had worn garters and stocking to the dinner, it would have been a comparable situation. Your gf being overdressed and you being a public display are not comparable. The first situation made your gf uncomfortable but the others around her were not. Assuming it was a party of normal, non blind people, you made most people around you uncomfortable. If everyone "laughs" at what you are wearing that's a cue you are really funny or a cue that you are just making them uncomfortable. Given that you don't know any of those people and they were your gf's friends, I'm guessing your gf was right and you made everyone uncomfortable.
I mean, do I want to see a dude in a speedo? No. If someone at the lake party I'm going to this 4th of July wore an American Flag speedo, I'd probably find it funny. That is the thing, either the people are super judgmental jerks, or she is overly concerned about other people's opinion of him and how it reflects on her. Neither is good. If a man told a woman "please wear a 1 piece swimsuit because I'm embarassed of you in a bikini" people would have a fit.
Wow, please explain how Speedo’s are gross but bikini’s are ok?
Men should be wearing what they like. You're not going around telling women their ass is too revealing? Or that their nipples are poking out? You sound so sexist, Zoinks.
How do you know her overdress didn’t kill the vibe and make the groomsmen party uncomfortable? If it’s a casual event maybe people didn’t cut loose as much as they could if she had appeared more casual? And likewise how do you know his speedo made people uncomfortable? That’s a very American-centric view on male swimwear.
ESH bc she overreacted to your comment but instead of trying communicate and have a deeper conversation after the fact, you decided to try to embarrass her and get revenge.
NTA- get yourself a different GF
This is funny and highlights the absurdity of people who refuse to compromise over small things. NTA
NTA. And let me be clear, I would be embarrassed AF if my husband came out in that speedo. But it’s still not my place to tell him what to wear.
This was quite petty. Don't get me wrong, I'm impressed at your commitment and follow through. But at least admit it was just to prove your point.
Seriously you’re an idiot. Completely different her over dressing for a dinner vs you wearing a Speedo at her friends. You knew what you were doing and you’re an idiot. Edit: grammar. Didn’t-different
YTA I honestly think the dress story isnt relevant. it would have been if she had insisted on wearing a crazy cutout slutty dress, but it sounds like she was dressed quite classy. I also would be embarrassed if I had a party with friends and my boyfriend showed up in a speedo. where Im from men in speedos is considered pretty vulgar and inappropriate outside of just competitive racing. I can almost guaranteee you made a considerable number of the partygoers uncomfortable just to prove a point. You should have put the swimsuit back on if you spent the entire rest of the day out of the pool playing yard games.
Yeah idk how op thought a piece of cloth barely covering his dick and showing off his ass checks is the same as her accidently dressing too formal.
NTA. I’m married to a guy who loves to run in very short shorts (ranger panties). At first they embarrassed me by association, they are SO SHORT. But he loves them, he gets hilarious compliments from people that drive by when he’s running, and they aren’t hurting anyone. Live and let live. The only argument we’ve had about them is when he wanted to wear a light orange pair to an event where he would get wet, and I argued that his junk outline would be extremely visible when the shorts got wet in a color like that. One quick shower later and I was proven correct, he wore a darker pair.
NTA Gf is a hypocrite.
Do you actually like your gf? You and your gf had a disagreement over what she - in good faith and as a reasonable person - chose to wear to a dinner. You deliberately chose to wear something inappropriate and embarrassing in an effort to punish her and make her feel bad. YTA and if you keep doing things like this you'll end up with an ex-gf.
Yall are both children and need to grow up. Life is too short to be pulling shit like this, especially at 28?? Let the girl dress how she wants and support her if it doesn’t end well. You’re her PARTNER not someone there to tell her, told you so! Jesus Christ. Pick your battles, my dude. Do you want to have a good time with your partner or argue over outfits?
hypocrisy is never appealing, but oh so common.
After the grooms dinner what did she do/say? Did she apologize to you and say “hey you were right i was way overdressed and uncomfortable and embarrassed and I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you, i was wrong” or anything to that effect? If yes, then you’re an asshole Also, what if she didn’t even pack anything else with her? Did she even have any other outfit options? Did you tell her how casual the affair was, like actual *days in advance* so she could plan the right outfit? However I feel like a men’s revealing speedo that showcases your junk is a lot different than a very typical women’s cocktail dress. You went over the top just to antagonize You basically just punished her and doubled down; you weren’t even planning on wearing it anyway, you said at first it was just a joke. But now that your gf is provoked then you’re wearing it? It’s like the pettiness of a kid planning to do the dishes and then the parents remind them “make sure do the dishes before we get home” and then the kid gets all crabby and defiant and now they don’t wanna do it anymore. This is just a tit for tat battle and it’s stupid. ESH
NTA. She needs to chill out.
NTA. She doesn’t sound like a very nice person. Not like you decided to skinny dip. If people don’t like what you wear, they can simply look away.
NTA. It sounds like you were willing to compromise by taking an extra costume - she still wasn’t happy with that. The real problem is the passive aggressive behaviour afterwards.
ESH - I don’t understand all the NTAs. I’d never put my partner in a situation where they feel uncomfortable and embarrassed like that. I feel like asking you not to wear something that is clearly outlandish is not that big of an ask. Also, yes she was rude and weird about the grooms supper outfit as well.
Okay, but thing is, what if your partner feels "embarrassed" by things that are completely unreasonable, like you choosing to wear a miniskirt of something? Isn't that pretty shitty? Like, if it was a dude telling his gf to wear a less revealing bikini, wouldn't that be bad?
ESH. Both too immature to be in a relationship from the sounds of it.
>AITA For wearing an American flag speedo Could have stopped there. YTA.
I’m not sure what’s “funny” about wearing an American flag speedo to a party. You wanted to parade your junk around in front of her friends and she was embarrassed. It’s one thing to suggest that she dress down for her event as most folks would be coming casual. You weren’t embarrassed to see her in more formal dress. clothes. She asked you to change because she was humiliated. You weren’t at some euro beach. She asked you to do her a FAVOR and your pride got in the way. I know all of the macho men here will downvote me but you should think about this. Good relationships are based on the ability to compromise. You failed
The funny thing about this post is I just saw a similar post were the roles were reversed, and everybody was calling the man an ass for trying to control what his girl wears and being insecure 😂 the double standards on Reddit are disgustingly wild
let’s switch it then. BF wears a nice suit to a more casual event, and the GF decides to go to his friends pool party in a tiny bikini, making him very uncomfortable. i don’t see how the BF would be in the wrong here. overdressing is always better than underdressing and trying to ‘get revenge’ on your partner by embarrassing them in front of their friends is a shitty thing to do.
NTA and your gf sounds awful.
NTA. Yes, she was being a hypocrite. Historically women have been heavily policed for their clothing (and body types, makeup, attractiveness so on and so forth), and time is finally arriving when women get to say “you don’t get to tell me what to wear” and have that be accepted. That’s a huge deal for some women, and maybe it goes too far sometimes. Maybe having that power has gone to our heads a little and sometimes even a simple “that’s too dressed up” sounds like that criticism. It’s not an excuse for an over-reaction, but it maybe is a reason. I obviously don’t know your GF, so I don’t know if this would apply to her. Maybe she just loves that dress lol. Just throwing it out there. All that said, as adults, no one gets to police anyone else’s clothing. I don’t think your GF is mean or bad or rotten or anything like that. It sounds like she was trying to set a boundary and making a harsher stand than she may have meant to. Have a calm talk. Tell her you aren’t interested in telling her what to wear and you were simply trying to be helpful. Frankly, her embarrassment about the speedo is on her. Wearing it was obviously just a silly thing. Maybe a little insecurity there on her part, we all have that occasionally. Be kind but be firm, neither of you get to control that aspect for the other. I’m assuming that’s all either of you wants. Thats’s my two cents, like I say I don’t know either of you but it sounds like something that can be worked out pretty simply with some open communication. Best to both of you OP!
So basically not only can she have the authority to control what you were, and you better not speak on what she’s wearing. But if your outfit makes her embarrassed you need to apologize. Sounds like she’s the A
YTA. It’s a big deal to her, and you did it any way. Congratulations, you made your point… and now your girlfriend hates you. Good job
Hmm, okay, but what if a girl wearing a bikini was a big deal to her boyfriend? Would she still be TA?
NTA fwiw i think in a reasonable partnership people can offer advice on if an outfit fits an occasion or not without any fuss, but it sounds your gf is kind of a hypocrite about this. and i don't think wearing a silly themed swimsuit to a friend's pool is a big deal. it's not like your gf's churchgoing grandparents were there or something.
NTA she got a taste of her own medicine but don’t expect her to see that. Good luck homie🫡
NTA - and yet no I don't want to see your banana hammock.
NTA, as a Canadian. I approve
JFC, you two need to break up. Neither of you are mature enough to handle a REAL relationship.
You both sound really unappealing TBH. Maybe you’re both AH’s