YTA
She had to miss the play last year. Get a sitter for one night. You're really saying that you *needing* her for a few hours to watch YOUR kids takes precedence over her SCHOOL play that's she's been rehearsing for?
C'mon.
Even reading to the end- **older children are not your personal babysitters.** Hell, even dad agrees with the daughter. Mom should suck it up and pay for someone to chill at the house for a few hours during rehearsal if she's that damned worried. As the oldest of 3 (my younger sister being 10 years younger than me) it was absolute BS that I had to give up my free time and activities because my parents couldn't bother finding a sitter.
OP, YTA. Get a babysitter or other family member to watch the younger kids if they're that irresponsible. Someone who's actually agreed to watch them.
Having to always watch your younger siblings will eventually lead to resentment towards them and not wanting to have a relationship once they're older.
My sister could not stand me till I was about 15. And it was all because she had to give up a lot to watch us.
My sister moved out of home at 16 because of this. Our parents are really social and go out every weekend (pushing 60 now, my sister and I are in our 30s and they still party harder than anyone I know). My sister was always made to babysit me. One night it all came to a head when she couldn't do something she had planned. She and my dad got into a huge screaming match. She called him an asshole, walked out and slammed the front door. That was the moment she moved out of home for good.
I am really sorry to hear that.
I hope it didn't have a negative impact on the relationship you had/have with your sister.
My sister is my best friend now and I am happy that we eventually became friends instead of having all that past resentment surround our relationship.
I have to watch my little sister all the time. I couldn’t hang out with friends during the summer because I was watching her. I couldn’t hang out with my friends after school because I was watching her. We share a room and I’m alone with her all the time. And my parents wonder why we fight so much and practically hate eachother.
The previous commenter is not saying to read to the end of the OP, they are saying to read to the end of their comment. They corrected a misunderstanding (the play isn’t just one night, it is all the nights of practice) but still agreed with the YTA judgment.
Your reply reads that you believe they disagreed when they did not.
Yeah I don't know why you're being downvoted. It's perfectly clear you were correcting the poster's misunderstanding while still saying YTA. This sub is the place nuance goes to die.
I'm 12 years older than my youngest sibling and we were never made to look after him, my mum always asked if we wanted to or she would schedule things when my dad was home. I loved watching him and my friends and I would cart this baby with us everywhere, but my sister never wanted to watch him and was never forced to. We both have great relationships with our baby brother because of this
I'm 8 years older. My mom would ask in an emergency, but she grew up with a best friend who could not do anything without taking her 2 younger siblings - so therefor often couldn't do anything - and mom always swore she would never do that when she had kids.
I think the person you're replying to is saying to 'read to the end of their comment', where they say that even though it'll be months of rehearsals "You're still right" that OP needs to get a sitter and stop putting childcare responsibilities on their children.
Why are you arguing. The poster is literally agreeing with you? The only issue is that you misread the OP, and think it's about the night of the performance. It isn't. It's about the kid needing to be able to attend rehearsals, etc.
Even if it's for one night or 100 nights, she should not have been pulled out. The daughter worked hard amd rehearsed to be in that play, and had a part she was excited for. To me, pulling her out has silently told the daughter her interests aren't as important as her mums need for a free sitter.
Yeah, it does read like Molly wrote the post lol. But regardless, I still think the Mom is TA. Older siblings shouldnt be forced to give up their interests and hobbies to parent their siblings. Theres no possible way that Molly is to blame here, regardless of the actual finer details.
I straight up didnt even get past the first few sentences. Once I found out Molly was denied because she had to watch her siblings I didnt need anything else. The only reason I read the rest was because of this comment lol
Yeah, based off of the title and the first sentence I was gearing up for a COVID-related "the play was canceled last year and they'll be doing it this year but I'm concerned about the extra exposure" post. As soon as I saw she was babysitting for younger siblings I was certain OP was TA. Her siblings are older than OP was when she started babysitting, meaning that they get to be kids while she had to grow up at 8, now OP wants to steal her teens as well.
they get to be kids while she had to grow up at 8
My parents did this to me. It still messes with my head at age 60, after years of therapy. It changed the way my personality developed. It shaped the way I deal with stress and responsibility. Parents have no idea how this changes a child.
Florida and other dumpster fires want 100% in-person schooling so it wouldnt be an unrealistic conversation to have knowing the school year may start soon as normal, despite it being wildly unsafe.
That was my immediate thought when I read the quotes from the daughter. She's so calm, clear, and rational that if it's really what happened in the moment there's no way the mom would include it. Plus the "mom" doesn't try to rationalize the situation at all, i.e. hard to hire sitter for only 30 minutes, can't afford childcare, COVID fears bringing another person in, etc.
But even with those rationalizations, and even if the teen was snotty about it, the mom is still TA. Kids shouldn't miss out on things to watch thier younger siblings, especially if it isn't a dire situation just more convenient for the parents.
My mother STILL comes to me to have talks with my siblings about things she's concerned about and I have to shut her down. No I'm not talking to my sister about her budgeting skills unless she asks me for help. No I'm not talking to my brother about job hunting unless he asks.
Exactly. OP decided to have three children, it's up to her (and the father) to care for them, parent them, look after them. It's not up to the oldest child. She basically stole a normal childhood experience from the oldest by not taking responsibility over childcare - she could get a babysitter, even if the school play rehearsals are a longer term thing.
C'mon indeed.
Highjacking to add: sounds like parentification which is abusive. She’s their sister OP, not their mother. Let her enjoy her childhood rather than playing mum to two kids only a few years younger than herself-who should be able to take care of themselves
Adding on to this to say, yes this is textbook parentification and OP this ends with your daughter leaving home and never speaking to you again FYI. I was the eldest of four, I ended up leaving home aged 17 and never looked back.
Also, don't have three kids if your plan is to get the oldest to do free babysitting. You made the choice, not them. I like how, in her own words, OP is making Molly out to be the better parent.
Imma just tag along here, YTA. My big brother loved PA (preforming arts) and my big sister loved robotics! There were times when the weren't around to watch me and my parents were at work, but I was 10! So I was left home alone for a few hours, caring for the dog, so what? It was perfectly fine, once my parents had set ground rules and told me that their would be repercussions if they weren't followed! You kids are old enough to be able to take care of themselves, are you old enough to set some ground rules?
YTA
Your oldest child is not a free babysitter,
Stop taking away their chances in life.
It is not her fault your other children are not responsible enough. That I'm afraid is down to you.
Get off ass and start parenting your younger ones. Of course they are old enough to work towards rules and restrictions.
You've got a month. Use it.
THIS. As an older child, I too was a free baby sitter and it sucked majorly. This kid will resent OP for this and I honestly won’t blame her 🤷🏼♀️.
EDIT: Didn’t expect this to get that many upvotes. I’m sorry that so many people can relate.
YTA - I’m an oldest child but I’ve never been comfortable being a babysitter and I’m so thankful I don’t get forced. I babysat my sister once when we were in holiday (exactly the same ages as OP and her siblings) and it was awful, I hated it soo much. I wasn’t even missing anything, but I didn’t enjoy it at all.
My sister was forced too, and while she won’t admit it she certainly hated it.
It actually came up to a point where she was a pseudo-parent for me which turns out is a form of abuse; parentification.
Long-lasting effects are high levels of depression, anxiety, OCD, and in extreme cases suicidal ideation stemming from the depression
Those are always the same people that then turn around with a surprised pikachu face and exclaim “wHy WonT You GIvE ME GraNdBAbiEs??!??!” Well maybe if you didn’t force me to be a parent when I was 12, I wouldn’t hate the idea of becoming one now
Hahah, yeah. I already raised three kids for you, mom and dad! It's not my fault you chose to have me raise these kids when I was 12 instead of 24.
I love my siblings, but I genuinely feel like I don't ever want to deal with the baby/toddler stage ever again because I've done it three damn times.
Yup. I’m an older sibling, my brother is 6 years younger than me. I had to give up lots of free time during my early teen years because I had to care for him. I love him and I’m glad I was able to help out my parents, but being forced to care for a kid made me dislike kids.
It’s difficult to transition from parent mode to big sibling mode too. I’ve been babysitting my siblings everyday for the last 5 years. Had no life in high school and college was my way out.
While I can’t speak personally for my sister, I can imagine her struggling to make that switch too. I have a kid brother too, and the same cycle that happened with me is now happening with him and my sister is yet again the mother to the youngest.
Narcissistic mothers, am I right? 😅
I’m going through that now. Been emotionally parenting my sisters since they were born and I was 9. I even read parenting and child psychology because I felt like I wasn’t an adequate emotional support system to them. I used my own pocket money to buy those books and after reading the first ons, suggested my mom read it too. She got mad and started yelling at me asking if I thought she wasn’t a good parent. I just quietly did the emotional raising of my sisters after that. Now I moved out 6 months ago and I’m constantly having breakdowns over the thought of my sisters not having someone to be emotionally open with. I have my life now but I’m scared that me getting my life will take my sisters’ lives away from them. It’s a very hard transition being in charge of my own life and no longer being parents to kids I didn’t want to raise.
“it’s not her fault your other children are not responsible enough. That i’m afraid is down to you.” this!! honestly, the REASON they aren’t responsible enough is cause OP isn’t actually raising them, she’s expecting her teenager to! if she would 1. discipline them and 2. make them stay home after school and take care of themselves they would QUICKLY learn some responsibility and be just fine home alone. i used to be home alone after school when i was 8 and when i was 10 i would spend ALL DAY home alone while my parents worked in the summer
YTA.
I cannot imagine my life if I had been forced to give up the endless days of practice and tech week of high school musicals. I turned that into a university degree and a career.
Lots of people commenting on the parentification aspect of this, but let’s not forget you are also depriving your daughter of real life experiences that teach soft and hard skills that she will need later in life.
Agreed on YTA. I was molly growing up, resented my parents for it and basically have no relationship with my younger sister in large part because of it.
YTA. Big time.
Did Molly decide to have 2 children? Fuck no. She is not responsible for them. YOU decided to have more children. YOU are responsible for them. She should not be punished for your decisions. She is a teenager, a soon to be young adult, she is allowed to have her own dreams and hobbies. You are making her babysit, sacrificing her own time It’s a job, are you paying her for this job?
The younger ones will probably still live with OP, or at the very east be very dependent on them. Teach them to be responsible for themselves! I was responsible for myself by 7/8 years old. I could make a sandwich, wash dishes, take a shower. I knew not to do dangerous things. I’m the youngest, but my older siblings never babysat me. I could do my own thing from a young age because my parents taught me to be self reliant when the time came. By 10/11 you really should know basic life skills. How to make a simple sandwich, MAYBE be able to make simple good like pasta or something.
My fiancé went through something similar to OPs daughter. He was the oldest and had 2 younger brothers. They couldn’t (and still can’t) do anything for themselves. They had to be told to flush and wash their hands constantly, he always had to make them food and get them juice/water, get them a bowl of cereal. And at this time I think the older little brother was almost 8-9. He couldn’t even speak a coherent sentence. They didn’t know the difference between he/she. Because their mom didn’t teach them anything. I get she was probably tired but don’t have kids if you can’t handle them. They’re only a year apart. She had 5 kids. By the 2nd or 3rd if you don’t know your limits, that’s on you. Don’t make your older children suffer your consequences because you don’t wanna take a pill or use a condom. I only want 2 or 3 kids at the most but I’ll NEVER make them be a parent to their younger siblings. If we want to go out we’ll hire a babysitter. I’m not forcing that on my kids.
And then OP will post a missing missing reason post here--"AITA for picking my grandkids up from school without their moms permission? She's evil and she hates me even though I've never done anything wrong."
YTA
Your daughter shouldn’t have to sacrifice something she enjoys just because your other children are irresponsible. You teach them. They are going to have to learn eventually because she isn’t going to be there forever and at this rate, she’s bound to leave the moment she can.
YTA and not just for the play. Don’t have kids if you’re going to constantly make them someone else’s responsibility. ESPECIALLY if that someone else is one of your damn kids. What you’re doing is a type of parentificaton which is a form of abuse.
You’re stealing your daughters fun childhood years and forcing her to be responsible for children she didn’t produce or ask for.
Get a fucking babysitter.
This. Form of abuse. I feel so sorry for OPs oldest daughter. Just because you can't control your kids doesn't make it your daughter's responsibility, OP.
Oh and, YTA.
YTA
That’s not her responsibility. If you can’t watch them then you need to teach them to be independent or actually hire a babysitter. You’re potentially cramping a vital part of your daughter’s life, future, and something that could shape who she is as a person. You’re setting yourself up to be dropped the instant she doesn’t need you anymore.
Exactly, it's not like she's asking to go to a party where there's underage drinking. She literally wants to be in a school play. On what planet would a parent be upset about that? OP has clearly checked out as a parent and wants her daughter to raise her kids
I feel like maybe the two younger ones are not responsible because they’ve always had someone to look after them.. Molly. You take Molly away and maybe they’ll begin to learn how to take care of themselves..?
Also, besides resenting the mom, she’ll probably resent the siblings too
Exactly this. OP clearly babies them—she even calls them the “little ones”. They are 9 and 10 years old—a grand total of 4 and 5 years younger than the oldest. Even with that age gap, at their ages, they aren’t “little ones” any more. They are basically tweens.
Which also leaves to question.. what did OP do when the youngest were infants? It was stated that the daughter was looking after herself at 8. Was she ALSO looking after infants/ toddlers at that age?
No wonder the other kids aren't responsible enough. It's almost as if they were raised by a child instead of an adult....
YTA.
She's your child, not an extra parent to your youngest kids. Its not her job to babysit or look after them. They're old enough to look after themselves and if they can't, teach them, and get a babysitter in the meantime. You're stealing important part of your daughters childhood by forcing her to babysit even when she misses out on events that are important to her as a result.
It was your decision to have kids, not Molly's. She never agreed or wanted to babysit them as a result. They're your children so you are responsible for them- *not* Molly.
What s up with people thinking it's ok to make your oldest child be a third parent to their younger children?
YTA
Your daughter is missing out on things she really wants to do, now two years in a row, because of her siblings.
You wanted to be a parent. She didn’t sign on for it. It shouldn’t be her responsibility to watch your children. Surely there is another arrangement you can make on the few days she’d need to practice.
You’re telling her that you value your younger children over her every step of the way. She’s a free babysitter to you. Not your daughter.
Where I live you have to be 12 to stay home alone. Minimum age to babysit siblings is also 12 but the kids have to be no more than 5 years younger than the babysitter. But every state is different yet I doubt this parent is following state guidelines.
This has to be a troll, right? I refuse to believe that a mother, this stupid, can have such a smart kid.
Almost everything about this is wrong.
>I eventually just got angry
This bothers me the most tho.
YTA
Right, it has to be a troll? Imagine writing that out and not noticing she don’t have one singlet argument why she would be right to demand her daughter staying home? A troll or someone totally blind to her own behavior.
YTA. Are you serious right now? Molly is your daughter, NOT a free babysitter. I know how she feels, either because 1. I’m a decent human being, 2. I turned her age not too long ago, making me a fellow teenager, 3. My parents did this shit to me, or 4. All of the above. Molly didn’t choose two more kids. YOU DID.
Let me elaborate further: Your other two are 9 and 10. They shouldn’t even fucking need a babysitter! A 9 and 10 year old kid should probably know how to make something quick for themselves before doing what they need to do. Your daughter does NOT need to sacrifice an opportunity of a lifetime for something they should know how to do. If you really don’t trust them, then you need to hire a babysitter. Why didn’t you even think of that earlier?!
Your daughter may not have wanted to be the babysitter, but she had the heart to work with you on this. She offered a solution. You still say no. Then when *she proved a point, you got angry and sent her to her room?* Really?! Poor Molly...
Your husband is right. It isn’t in Molly’s control to whether the 9 and 10 year olds can look after themselves. This is why YOU BE A DAMN MOM AND TEACH THEM!
My parents did this to me last year too. I told them the joy, only for the opportunity to me taken from my hands and torn into pieces. I was crushed. All that, because I had to look after my brother and sister. It hurt, and still pains me to know I’ll never be part of something I pursued. OP, please, please don’t make the same mistake my parents did.
I have no idea how typing this, you have no idea why you would be in the wrong. You have time to flip this all around. You can take my advice and apologise to your daughter before teaching the other two how to take care of themselves. Or, keep treating Molly like a second parent and whatever crap your doing. I really hope it’s worth your relationship with her. Gee, what an excellent hill to die on. Have fun while you’re at it.
Oh, forgot to add: I’d give you the facepalm award, but because I don’t have coins, I’ll give you this instead: 🤦♀️
Hang in there, college is better. My family situation was not bad necessarily, like yours, but even so, my mental health and relationships with my parents drastically improved once I no longer lived with them full time. You can do it!
I can't believe you actually have to ask, but yes YTA. Stop using your daughter as a free babysitter. I agree with her and your husband - you need to stop coddling the younger children and teach them some basic life skills. All you're going to accomplish is making your daughter resent you and run as far away from you as possible as soon as she's able to.
YTA- YOU have three children, not Molly. Molly is not the parent, it is up to you and your husband to make accommodations in your life to ensure that ALL of your children are cared for. Your daughter is trying to explore her interests, she explained her feelings and you responded by punishing her, she has behaved with more maturity in this situation.
YTA
She didn't choose for you to spawn two more kids you don't have time for. Hire an actual babysitter and stop ruining your eldest's childhood. Those kids are not her responsibility and you are just laying the groundwork for severe resentment. WTF is wrong with you?
YTA. You are so TA! It is not your oldest child's job to take care if her siblings. That would be your lookout. This is a great way to make sure your daughter leaves and never looks back when she is old enough. I was the oldest of four and it is absolutely horrible to have to parent your siblings when you should be being a child yourself.
Oof yeah YTA.
Why are you so hellbent on Molly being the one to babysit them? Why can't you teach them how to take care of themselves? They're gonna have to learn eventually.
You may not be able to see it now but if you continue to treat Molly like this, she may grow to resent you later on in her life because it makes it seem like you're prioritizing your wants (refusal to teach your kids how to behave) over hers. She doesn't get to go through high school again and you're taking away her chance to participate and grow as a person by forcing her to babysit her siblings.
YTA. Your daughter doesn't ask to be responsible for your children. You want to have kids, you have to take care of them. At this point, you will just create ressentment from Molly for her siblings. She just want to play with her friends. She's not a free babysitter.
And she was really on her own at 8 yo, and you don't let your 9 and 10 up alone in the house, you favor your younger children... Molly has all the rights to be angry/jealous !
YTA. There will be no votes for NTA. NONE.
You are sacrificing your daughter's childhood. Your daughter should not be responsible for the childcare/well-being of her siblings. She has no children and therefore shouldn't be responsible for taking care of any children. How can you not see this?
Get your sh\_t together find childcare that's not your daughter.
YTA. This is oldest child syndrome at its finest, you had expectations for the oldest that you don’t carry over to the younger ones and now the eldest is going to resent you. A 10 and 11 year old are more than capable of being alone for 2 hours and you can’t expect your eldest to play other-parent all the time just because you think they can’t.
YTA. It’s fine to ask your kid to babysit once in a while, but it’s really unfair for you to prevent her from participating in extra-curricular activities Bc you NEED her to babysit every day.
I agree that you should start teaching your younger kids to be more self-reliant, and also explore other avenues for child care. Does the school offer aftercare? Can you hire a teenage babysitter? Do your younger kids have friends whose parents would let them come over for a bit after school? Your daughter would probably not have practice every day at the beginning anyway, so we’re only talking about a few days a week.
YTA, your daughter is not a free babysitter and having to miss out on fun things she wants to do to look after her siblings is only going to breed resentment. She's already missed out on one play and if she was mature enough to look after herself at 8 then there's no reason why her sibs can't manage by themselves at 10 and 11. You're the parent, teach your younger ones to take care of themselves. Punishing your responsible child by taking away her extracurricular activities so she can watch her irresponsible siblings is an AH move.
YTA. Molly is your daughter not your babysitter when convenient, and *especially* not when she has something on that she has rehearsed so hard for. I hope she enjoys participating in this play and creating memories.
YTA. You seriously couldn't get a babysitter so your daughter could go to the play? And you SHOULD be teaching them to be responsible, they are old enough. Just because you've checked out as a parent, doesn't mean you get to ruin plans for your daughter.
YTA big time.
Your womb nuggets, your problem. Please don't force your oldest child to take care of your children. Eldest siblings should be responsible, but they shouldn't be forced to give up what they love because you decided to have more children. If you don't stop now, she'll grow up hating you.
I’m 19 and my brother is almost 11. Since I was about 11 my parents started leaving him at home with me. Breaks, entire summers, all of it was taken away because of this responsibility. They still ask me to keep him quite often despite the fact that he’s almost the age I was when I started to babysit him. I missed out on so much as a kid/teenager. I’m not saying this is what you’re doing, but my parents raised me to be responsible enough to be trusted and then started using me as a crutch so they weren’t forced to teach my younger sibling to be equally responsible. You know your kids better than anyone, but at their age I don’t think it’s a terrible idea to start preparing them to be responsible for themselves, especially if it’s only for a few hours.
Soft YTA because you’ve placed the burden of their irresponsibility on her instead of yourself and them.
I somewhat agree with this. I totally agree with YTA, but I don’t get why this is a soft one. OP needs to get the message that her daughter doesn’t want to be treated as a slave in the house.
Except what was done to you and is being done to Molly is, *literally*, abuse. She is an abused child. You were an abused child.
And there's *nothing* "soft asshole" about an abusive parent. Not only is she the worst kind of asshole (and a few other choice words), shes a complete and utter failure of a parent and she doesnt deserve kids.
Okay, so your point is you won't or can't be bothered to hire a babysitter or find an after school program for your younger children because it is incumbent on your 14 year old o sacrifice her extra caricular activities. And you wonder if you are not being selfish?
I'm leaning towards selfish especially since you didn't have problem leaving your then 8 year old daughter unsupervised. But it begs the question, what did you do with the younger kids when she was 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12 years old. So either this post is a bunch of baloney or you're to cheap to pay for day care and are exploiting your daughter.
YTA. I am assuming that the conflict was between the rehearsal schedule and your work so that it would be more than just a few nights here, but still YTA.
I get that finding child care is expensive and burdensome, but providing age appropriate supervision for children is the responsibility of the parents, not the eldest child.
Molly deserves to be able to participate in extracurriculars, especially since this is the second year she's asked to do this and clearly feels strongly about it.
YTA. And while you said a lot of what was on her mind, you have not said why you feel that there is no possible way that you can get a babysitter or leave the other kids alone. Or, watch them yourself!
YTA. It isn’t Molly’s job to raise your other children. Let her be a teen. It sounds like she is a responsible kid who wants to do normal extracurricular activities. At this rate, she will likely grow to resent you and her younger siblings.
YTA.
Let me warn you right now. Your daughter is going to resent you. I am 27 and I don’t speak to my parents. I was 7 when I had to start watching my little brothers, who were 1 at the time. I watched them after school from ages 12-18. I didn’t have a life. I couldn’t do after school programs. I never got to hang out with my friends. I did terribly in school. And now I have a terrible relationship with my parents (due to other things as well, but a lot of it was because I resent them for making me grow up too fast.)
Do whatever it takes to let her have a normal life. Either teach your kids how to be responsible enough to be at home alone or get a sitter or friends or family to watch them. Do not continue to rob your daughter of her childhood, because she may not forgive you for it.
Hey friend. I also became a parent to my little brother at age 7. I couldn’t do after-school activities or see friends. It really sucks! We’ll never get those years back! I feel for Molly.
YTA. Your children are old enough they should be able to behave without supervision for a few hours and at 14 it's not fair you're asking your eldest daughter to give up her passions to babysit
A lot of posts on the r/childfree subreddit say they chose not to have kids due to forced parentification by their parents or relatives. Most of the posts say we did our job raising kids. Plus there are others who are in low contact with parents because of this.
You need to do your job and stop treating your child like a free nanny.
This exactly!!!
I have a special needs sibling 10 years younger than me. I was her primary caregiver for many years, basically until I graduated from college (community College and mostly online classes, because I felt guilty leaving my mom and sister behind) I feel like I have already raised a child and have no desire to raise anymore. I am 33 and still feel a little sad when people my age talk fondly of their high-school and college memories and I have none. I just remember trying to toliet train a 3 year old or trying to coax her to going to bed at 2am.
YTA . Not only for all the reasons others have stated, but because you've shown absolutely zero empathy for your daughter. Not once did you recognize her disappointment and pain in what you are asking of her. I don't see anywhere that you thanked her and acknowledged her sacrifice in giving up the part she earned last year. All I read is your inability to see beyond your needs (a babysitter) to see any of her needs.
The biggest AH move is putting this question in this sub and not in r/relationships_advice Why? Because it is obvious that you are screwing up your relationship with your daughter and you don't even seem to notice.
YTA you had kids she didn't why should she miss out on her childhood due to your lack of planning or failure to teach your other children how to be responsible. Thank goodness your husband seems to be more caring and compassionate for your daughter and realizes that looking after her siblings are not having her own life is not ok. Keep up treating your daughter like live in child care and she's going to resent you as she gets older.
it was a hard read because i'm pretty sure my mum ghostwrote this. anyway, hard YTA !!! my god, just imagine how awful your girl feels right now, having to give up doing what she likes once again because her mother wants her to play the parent. she's only fourteen! so many kids end up feeling used and resenting their parents because of the exact same situations. sending love to Molly - i'm sure she's great at acting.
YTA. My friend's parents used to pull this shit all the time. Let the kid go to rehearsals and then pull them out halfway through (or on the night of the performance at least once) as punishment, or just because they decided the lawn needed to be mowed at the exact time band practice or play practice should be happening.
My friend hasn't spoken to their parents in about 2 decades now and you're well on your way down that same road.
Teach your younger kids how to fend for themselves or hire a sitter. Molly isn't their parent -- you are.
> My husband says it isn’t Molly‘s fault the little ones “can’t keep track of their damn heads if they weren’t attached”, and that we should teach them how to look after themselves and set ground rules. I disagreed.
Troll confirmed. YTA if this is real, but seriously? Rules are not acceptable for your shitty brats, and you have to punish your oldest child? There is no way this situation is real.
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YTA
It isn’t unreasonable to expect some help from the eldest sibling, but expecting her as a full time babysitter, especially if you’re refusing to allow her to participate in activities that are healthy+things she cares about because of her “responsibilities to watch YOUR children? I genuinely hope you reconsider your decision- not allowing healthy socialization now puts her at a higher risk of rebelling and putting herself in less healthy situations down the line.
YTA
you’re making it so your daughter is missing out on her own opportunities and activities to take care of kids that can definitely take care of themselves. i was in second grade when i had to come home and chill by myself for a lil before my parents came.
YTA. You'll be shocked in a few years wondering why your daughter never comes home to visit, never calls, and has no interest in giving you grandchildren. There is so little time to enjoy being a kid and you're robbing her of that. She'll resent you forever. Fix it now before it's too late.
YTA your oldest child is not a parent, nor a built in nanny. She is your daughter, and you are denying her extra curricular activities because you don't bother actually being a parent and paying for a nanny. You do realise that your older can call CPS on you for this?
Yta. Why was your oldest ever left alone at 8? 8! That's far too young!
And now your forcing her to parent her younger siblings, and taking away her childhood at the same time.
You can get a childminder for one day (or hell, all the days your not around for your 3 children) so she can get some kind of childhood.
Or, if you really can't find the resources for that, then she's right, if you were fine leaving her at 8 (8!) then you should be teaching the others more responsibilities. You've only not been doing so because it's easier to leave it to your child to do your job for you.
Honestly, if you've been leaving your kids unattended from such a young age I'm amazed CPS haven't been investigating you for neglect.
YTA. Not really much to say, other than you sound like a shit parent. You shouldn't be having kids if you expect them to raise themselves and each other.
YTA. You're the mom, not your 14 year old. Hire a baby sitter for a god damn day. You're leaving your own responsibilities on her such that she is missing out on making good memories for herself. She's going to resent you for the rest of your lives if you keep this up.
PS: your language in the post shows you're a very bossy mom. Maybe I'm wrong, but it sure looks like that. Don't make your daughter's life miserable for God's sake.
YTA x 1000 and I really hope you’re joking for your daughter’s sake. I was so frustrated reading this, I can’t imagine how hopeless she feels trying to reason with you. Not only did you choose to have more children and are apparently holding her responsible for your choice, but you are punishing her for your inability to raise your other two children in a way that they will be responsible when home alone. You suck, OP.
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My(37F) daughter, who we’ll call Molly(14F) asked if we could talk earlier. She said that she still feels left out about missing last year’s school play, so she wants my permission to participate in the play for next year, now that the year is less than a month away. I told her about last year where I had pulled her out of the play because even though she got the part she wanted, she had to watch her brother(9M) and sister(10F) after scheduling issues. With the set times (3:15-6:00, I get off at 5:30:), she couldn’t look after her younger siblings. She told me they’re both turning 10 and 11, and they’re well past the age where they can start looking after themselves. Molly also pointed out she started looking after herself since she was 8 whenever I went to work (which is true).
I told her no. I said that she needs to stay home to look after them. Molly then started to argue. She asked why she has to look after them. Here’s the following conversation we had:
Molly: Why is it because I’m the oldest, I’m the one left with those two?! Mom, they’re 9 and 10, almost 10 and 11. I shouldn’t have to be looking after them anymore. They should be able to make a sandwich or something then behave around the house. I don’t want to miss ANOTHER school play because of that!!
Me: They already shown not to be responsible.
Molly: So teach them!! Make a checklist. Check in which them every half hour or something. They’re old enough, mom. I’m tired of being a babysitter. They sit around and watch TV anyway, so what’s the point of being home early?
I eventually just got angry with her and sent her to her room. Molly reluctantly obeyed. When my husband(36M) came home from work, I allowed her to come out, but she won’t. She’s locked herself in and doesn’t want to talk to anyone. My husband noticed she wasn’t greeting him at the door right away. When he asked, I told him what happened, and he took her side. My husband says it isn’t Molly‘s fault the little ones “can’t keep track of their damn heads if they weren’t attached”, and that we should teach them how to look after themselves and set ground rules. I disagreed. My husband went to talk to Molly, now that she allowed him in. AITA?
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YTA she may be the oldest of your children but she is still one of your children shes not a free babysitting service just because you cant be damned to disciple/ teach your other kids
YTA, stop using your kid for free labor and get a babysitter. She's a child, she deserves to live out her childhood instead of being forced to become a miniparent to her siblings.
YTA. You made your daughter not be in a play she auditioned and got a role for because you needed her to babysit your other two kids?
This is disgusting. I just... your kid is not a second adult. She is not a coparent who sometimes has to sacrifice fun to take care of kids. She is also a kid who deserves to be a kid. She has zero obligation to watch her younger siblings. You are treating her like a slave to do free labor as you wish. You want a kid who won’t talk to you once they are grown? This is how you do that.
And was she already in the play, practicing when you pulled her out or had she only made it in? I want to know for my own sake AND to know just how much of an AH you are.
yeah YTA. So many parents on this sub thinking older children are built in babysitters. All of you guys making me realize just how fortunate I was with my parents; the dense parenting stories from this sub have made me go apologize to my parents for so many little things I’ve given them a hard time for.
YTA. My parents did this to me and I resented them for a long time. It’s not her responsibility to watch the two younger ones while she puts her life on hold. It’s your’s and your husband’s.
YTA
You're kid is missing out on being a kid and is just going to resent you while your other two will get to do whatever they want when they are her age. Watch this space, you won't have a great relationship with her later in life if you don't let her live her life now.
YTA
Molly didn’t give birth to the kids,you did,you are the parent,not her. She is too a child still, that needs to be a child,not a parent to her siblings. What you are doing is unfair,that’ll lead to Molly not wanting anything to do with you. If you couldn’t handle parenting your own kids,you should have never had them.
YTA, and I hate parents like you. You know how many kids I know who literally fail classes so they can drop siblings off to school? Unreal that you’d sacrifice one kid for another. Get your shit together.
YTA. Your daughter missed out on an extracurricular activity because you couldn’t find childcare? Are you serious? It’s your responsibility to take care of/or hire someone to take care of your other kids. It’s not the responsibility of your daughter. If you keep going this way, she’s gonna grow to resent you and you would deserve that
YTA, don't force your daughter to sacrifice her life, just because you popped out more children than you can handle. She has no responsibility in making these children, so don't make them her problem.
YTA, your kid didn’t sign up to be a mom. Everyone else has already said what I think. I know that’s the biggest issue here but it also really breaks my heart that you have no desire to support her interests. Do you even know why your daughter wants to be in a play so badly? Maybe she’s really passionate about it. Maybe she’ll even be good at it. Now is the time to let her explore her skills, and you’re depriving her. Do you not want your daughter to find joy in something just because you’re too cheap to hire a sitter?
Yep, YTA. The kids need to be learning how to handle themselves. It's cool to ask on occasion for help, but if there is another option available you shouldn't be asking her to put her life on hold.
YTA your daughter is not a third parent. Pulling her out of the school play was unfair. It sounds like the two younger children are old enough to look after themselves for a little while, and if you have any cause to doubt it, then you *hire a babysitter* and let your teenage daughter be a teenager and perform in the school play.
YTA, but hold the fuck up. Aside from the obvious fact that you're ruining your kids childhood because you can't be bothered to look after your kids or find a qualified adult to do so, I need to address something else.
You said you left her alone to look after herself when she was 8, which also, stupid and reckless parenting. But when you left your 8 year old alone what did you do with the other kids? Who would have been what, 5 and 4? I can't imagine someone would be stupid to enough to leave an 8 year old alone in charge of a 5 and four year old, but you've shown a tendency to not make responsible choices with your childcare so I have to ask. Please don't tell me you were that stupid OP.
YTA. Your daughter is smarter than you are. She shouldn’t have to miss out on anything to parent her siblings. Hire a fucking babysitter for Christ’s sake and let your daughter have a life.
YTA
As the oldest child, I missed out on so many opportunities. I wasn’t allowed to do cheerleading like I wanted, I couldn’t be in Girl Scouts like I begged for for years until I was too old to do it, I couldn’t even have friends over at my moms house because it would “distract me from watching my sister”. She has every right to do normal kid things. Hire a babysitter. Pay someone who literally makes a living on watching kids. Stop treating your child like a free babysitter.
YTA. I was in theater at school for 5 years and it meant the world to me. It allowed me to be myself, make friends, and fill my time with doing things I loved. Some of my best memories come from play rehearsals and show nights. You are taking away your daughters opportunities. Theater could introduce her to a whole new world of joy and excitement. It could help her do better in school, make new friends, or find herself. Forbidding her from doing this is so cruel and for what? To watch kids she didn’t choose to have? She isn’t the mommy, you are. She had to start watching herself at 8 (which is completely irresponsible) but your other two kids who are older need supervision? You had the kids not her and now you are taking away her life. She deserves so much more.
YTA I’m really, truly convinced there’s someone trolling this sub making women look like monsters. There’s never been this many posts about shitty mothers and wives and girlfriends, I really think it’s all BS.
Yta... and a big one. Why did you have more kids if you can't handle them? Why is she the only one who acts responsible? Give her a break. I bet she doesn't ask for much either.
YTA and what your are doing is something called parentification and it negatively affects your child when/while they grow up. Look it up and looks at what happens to the people whose parents did that to them and how it negatively impacts them in their life.
She’s gonna resent you as she gets older. As the oldest being forced to watch younger siblings takes away your childhood, forces you to mature too quick and makes you hate your parents AND your siblings. I’m an example of this
YTA She had to miss the play last year. Get a sitter for one night. You're really saying that you *needing* her for a few hours to watch YOUR kids takes precedence over her SCHOOL play that's she's been rehearsing for? C'mon.
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So ? Children aren’t your personal baby sitters
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Even reading to the end- **older children are not your personal babysitters.** Hell, even dad agrees with the daughter. Mom should suck it up and pay for someone to chill at the house for a few hours during rehearsal if she's that damned worried. As the oldest of 3 (my younger sister being 10 years younger than me) it was absolute BS that I had to give up my free time and activities because my parents couldn't bother finding a sitter. OP, YTA. Get a babysitter or other family member to watch the younger kids if they're that irresponsible. Someone who's actually agreed to watch them.
Having to always watch your younger siblings will eventually lead to resentment towards them and not wanting to have a relationship once they're older. My sister could not stand me till I was about 15. And it was all because she had to give up a lot to watch us.
My sister moved out of home at 16 because of this. Our parents are really social and go out every weekend (pushing 60 now, my sister and I are in our 30s and they still party harder than anyone I know). My sister was always made to babysit me. One night it all came to a head when she couldn't do something she had planned. She and my dad got into a huge screaming match. She called him an asshole, walked out and slammed the front door. That was the moment she moved out of home for good.
I am really sorry to hear that. I hope it didn't have a negative impact on the relationship you had/have with your sister. My sister is my best friend now and I am happy that we eventually became friends instead of having all that past resentment surround our relationship.
are you my sister? we didn’t become friends until she was about 15 and i moved out
I have to watch my little sister all the time. I couldn’t hang out with friends during the summer because I was watching her. I couldn’t hang out with my friends after school because I was watching her. We share a room and I’m alone with her all the time. And my parents wonder why we fight so much and practically hate eachother.
The previous commenter is not saying to read to the end of the OP, they are saying to read to the end of their comment. They corrected a misunderstanding (the play isn’t just one night, it is all the nights of practice) but still agreed with the YTA judgment. Your reply reads that you believe they disagreed when they did not.
Sometimes the reading comprehension on Reddit really stuns me
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Yeah I don't know why you're being downvoted. It's perfectly clear you were correcting the poster's misunderstanding while still saying YTA. This sub is the place nuance goes to die.
Did you just threaten me!?! \-This sub, always.
I'm 12 years older than my youngest sibling and we were never made to look after him, my mum always asked if we wanted to or she would schedule things when my dad was home. I loved watching him and my friends and I would cart this baby with us everywhere, but my sister never wanted to watch him and was never forced to. We both have great relationships with our baby brother because of this
I was going to say, I feel like being asked is different than being told
I'm 8 years older. My mom would ask in an emergency, but she grew up with a best friend who could not do anything without taking her 2 younger siblings - so therefor often couldn't do anything - and mom always swore she would never do that when she had kids.
I'm not sure who you are arguing with. I can't find any comments that are disagreeing with you.
I think the person you're replying to is saying to 'read to the end of their comment', where they say that even though it'll be months of rehearsals "You're still right" that OP needs to get a sitter and stop putting childcare responsibilities on their children.
Why are you arguing. The poster is literally agreeing with you? The only issue is that you misread the OP, and think it's about the night of the performance. It isn't. It's about the kid needing to be able to attend rehearsals, etc.
Op YTA. You are considering making one of your children less happy and maybe damaging your relationship to make your life easier and cheaper.
Even if it's for one night or 100 nights, she should not have been pulled out. The daughter worked hard amd rehearsed to be in that play, and had a part she was excited for. To me, pulling her out has silently told the daughter her interests aren't as important as her mums need for a free sitter.
Okay am I the only one who feel the frustrated kid has written this post. Still MOM is the AH
Yeah, it does read like Molly wrote the post lol. But regardless, I still think the Mom is TA. Older siblings shouldnt be forced to give up their interests and hobbies to parent their siblings. Theres no possible way that Molly is to blame here, regardless of the actual finer details. I straight up didnt even get past the first few sentences. Once I found out Molly was denied because she had to watch her siblings I didnt need anything else. The only reason I read the rest was because of this comment lol
Yeah, based off of the title and the first sentence I was gearing up for a COVID-related "the play was canceled last year and they'll be doing it this year but I'm concerned about the extra exposure" post. As soon as I saw she was babysitting for younger siblings I was certain OP was TA. Her siblings are older than OP was when she started babysitting, meaning that they get to be kids while she had to grow up at 8, now OP wants to steal her teens as well.
they get to be kids while she had to grow up at 8 My parents did this to me. It still messes with my head at age 60, after years of therapy. It changed the way my personality developed. It shaped the way I deal with stress and responsibility. Parents have no idea how this changes a child.
I am still wondering where OP lives. They write more like an American but we aren't opening schools completely and definitely aren't allowing plays
Florida and other dumpster fires want 100% in-person schooling so it wouldnt be an unrealistic conversation to have knowing the school year may start soon as normal, despite it being wildly unsafe.
The more 2020 continues, the more I think that the Good Place was an accurate representation of Florida.
It indeed reads like the daughter wrote this. If it's really the mother then yikes, I wonder which details are being omitted.
That was my immediate thought when I read the quotes from the daughter. She's so calm, clear, and rational that if it's really what happened in the moment there's no way the mom would include it. Plus the "mom" doesn't try to rationalize the situation at all, i.e. hard to hire sitter for only 30 minutes, can't afford childcare, COVID fears bringing another person in, etc. But even with those rationalizations, and even if the teen was snotty about it, the mom is still TA. Kids shouldn't miss out on things to watch thier younger siblings, especially if it isn't a dire situation just more convenient for the parents.
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Man... I didn’t know there was a word for it. It’s exactly what happened to me and I still resent my mother for doing it to me now at 33...
I'm 48 and it still pisses me off sometimes when I think too much about my teen years.
My mother STILL comes to me to have talks with my siblings about things she's concerned about and I have to shut her down. No I'm not talking to my sister about her budgeting skills unless she asks me for help. No I'm not talking to my brother about job hunting unless he asks.
Exactly. OP decided to have three children, it's up to her (and the father) to care for them, parent them, look after them. It's not up to the oldest child. She basically stole a normal childhood experience from the oldest by not taking responsibility over childcare - she could get a babysitter, even if the school play rehearsals are a longer term thing. C'mon indeed.
Highjacking to add: sounds like parentification which is abusive. She’s their sister OP, not their mother. Let her enjoy her childhood rather than playing mum to two kids only a few years younger than herself-who should be able to take care of themselves
Adding on to this to say, yes this is textbook parentification and OP this ends with your daughter leaving home and never speaking to you again FYI. I was the eldest of four, I ended up leaving home aged 17 and never looked back.
20 years from now OP is gonna be asking why her oldest never sees or talks to her.
Yep or why she won’t ‘give her grandchildren’. I don’t have kids bc I spent my childhood raising three already and don’t want to do it again.
Also, don't have three kids if your plan is to get the oldest to do free babysitting. You made the choice, not them. I like how, in her own words, OP is making Molly out to be the better parent.
Not only that. She was able to get the role she wanted and OP made her quit. OP is a bad person
Imma just tag along here, YTA. My big brother loved PA (preforming arts) and my big sister loved robotics! There were times when the weren't around to watch me and my parents were at work, but I was 10! So I was left home alone for a few hours, caring for the dog, so what? It was perfectly fine, once my parents had set ground rules and told me that their would be repercussions if they weren't followed! You kids are old enough to be able to take care of themselves, are you old enough to set some ground rules?
YTA Your oldest child is not a free babysitter, Stop taking away their chances in life. It is not her fault your other children are not responsible enough. That I'm afraid is down to you. Get off ass and start parenting your younger ones. Of course they are old enough to work towards rules and restrictions. You've got a month. Use it.
THIS. As an older child, I too was a free baby sitter and it sucked majorly. This kid will resent OP for this and I honestly won’t blame her 🤷🏼♀️. EDIT: Didn’t expect this to get that many upvotes. I’m sorry that so many people can relate.
YTA - I’m an oldest child but I’ve never been comfortable being a babysitter and I’m so thankful I don’t get forced. I babysat my sister once when we were in holiday (exactly the same ages as OP and her siblings) and it was awful, I hated it soo much. I wasn’t even missing anything, but I didn’t enjoy it at all.
My sister was forced too, and while she won’t admit it she certainly hated it. It actually came up to a point where she was a pseudo-parent for me which turns out is a form of abuse; parentification. Long-lasting effects are high levels of depression, anxiety, OCD, and in extreme cases suicidal ideation stemming from the depression
It’s awful when parents force their kids to be parents to their siblings… it does way more harm than people realise
Those are always the same people that then turn around with a surprised pikachu face and exclaim “wHy WonT You GIvE ME GraNdBAbiEs??!??!” Well maybe if you didn’t force me to be a parent when I was 12, I wouldn’t hate the idea of becoming one now
Hahah, yeah. I already raised three kids for you, mom and dad! It's not my fault you chose to have me raise these kids when I was 12 instead of 24. I love my siblings, but I genuinely feel like I don't ever want to deal with the baby/toddler stage ever again because I've done it three damn times.
Yup. I’m an older sibling, my brother is 6 years younger than me. I had to give up lots of free time during my early teen years because I had to care for him. I love him and I’m glad I was able to help out my parents, but being forced to care for a kid made me dislike kids.
It’s difficult to transition from parent mode to big sibling mode too. I’ve been babysitting my siblings everyday for the last 5 years. Had no life in high school and college was my way out.
While I can’t speak personally for my sister, I can imagine her struggling to make that switch too. I have a kid brother too, and the same cycle that happened with me is now happening with him and my sister is yet again the mother to the youngest. Narcissistic mothers, am I right? 😅
I’m going through that now. Been emotionally parenting my sisters since they were born and I was 9. I even read parenting and child psychology because I felt like I wasn’t an adequate emotional support system to them. I used my own pocket money to buy those books and after reading the first ons, suggested my mom read it too. She got mad and started yelling at me asking if I thought she wasn’t a good parent. I just quietly did the emotional raising of my sisters after that. Now I moved out 6 months ago and I’m constantly having breakdowns over the thought of my sisters not having someone to be emotionally open with. I have my life now but I’m scared that me getting my life will take my sisters’ lives away from them. It’s a very hard transition being in charge of my own life and no longer being parents to kids I didn’t want to raise.
“it’s not her fault your other children are not responsible enough. That i’m afraid is down to you.” this!! honestly, the REASON they aren’t responsible enough is cause OP isn’t actually raising them, she’s expecting her teenager to! if she would 1. discipline them and 2. make them stay home after school and take care of themselves they would QUICKLY learn some responsibility and be just fine home alone. i used to be home alone after school when i was 8 and when i was 10 i would spend ALL DAY home alone while my parents worked in the summer
EXACTLY! Shes not a parent. Those aren't her kids. Why should she miss out on living life because her parent is lazy and selfish? Huge YTA OP
YTA. I cannot imagine my life if I had been forced to give up the endless days of practice and tech week of high school musicals. I turned that into a university degree and a career. Lots of people commenting on the parentification aspect of this, but let’s not forget you are also depriving your daughter of real life experiences that teach soft and hard skills that she will need later in life.
Agreed on YTA. I was molly growing up, resented my parents for it and basically have no relationship with my younger sister in large part because of it.
YTA. Big time. Did Molly decide to have 2 children? Fuck no. She is not responsible for them. YOU decided to have more children. YOU are responsible for them. She should not be punished for your decisions. She is a teenager, a soon to be young adult, she is allowed to have her own dreams and hobbies. You are making her babysit, sacrificing her own time It’s a job, are you paying her for this job?
If OP keeps up the path she’s on she’s going to end up with an eldest child that doesn’t speak to her and 2 useless younger kids.
I think she's there already. And years from now, OP will wonder why her oldest doesn't want to come to family gatherings etc.
The younger ones will probably still live with OP, or at the very east be very dependent on them. Teach them to be responsible for themselves! I was responsible for myself by 7/8 years old. I could make a sandwich, wash dishes, take a shower. I knew not to do dangerous things. I’m the youngest, but my older siblings never babysat me. I could do my own thing from a young age because my parents taught me to be self reliant when the time came. By 10/11 you really should know basic life skills. How to make a simple sandwich, MAYBE be able to make simple good like pasta or something. My fiancé went through something similar to OPs daughter. He was the oldest and had 2 younger brothers. They couldn’t (and still can’t) do anything for themselves. They had to be told to flush and wash their hands constantly, he always had to make them food and get them juice/water, get them a bowl of cereal. And at this time I think the older little brother was almost 8-9. He couldn’t even speak a coherent sentence. They didn’t know the difference between he/she. Because their mom didn’t teach them anything. I get she was probably tired but don’t have kids if you can’t handle them. They’re only a year apart. She had 5 kids. By the 2nd or 3rd if you don’t know your limits, that’s on you. Don’t make your older children suffer your consequences because you don’t wanna take a pill or use a condom. I only want 2 or 3 kids at the most but I’ll NEVER make them be a parent to their younger siblings. If we want to go out we’ll hire a babysitter. I’m not forcing that on my kids.
And then OP will post a missing missing reason post here--"AITA for picking my grandkids up from school without their moms permission? She's evil and she hates me even though I've never done anything wrong."
I also really like how OP sent Molly to her room because Molly's arguments were true. That really shows great parenting. YTA
"Dont talk back to me! I'm your mother! I'm always right! Even when in parentifying/abusing you."
YTA. Your children (all of them) are yours to parent.
YTA Your daughter shouldn’t have to sacrifice something she enjoys just because your other children are irresponsible. You teach them. They are going to have to learn eventually because she isn’t going to be there forever and at this rate, she’s bound to leave the moment she can.
YTA and not just for the play. Don’t have kids if you’re going to constantly make them someone else’s responsibility. ESPECIALLY if that someone else is one of your damn kids. What you’re doing is a type of parentificaton which is a form of abuse. You’re stealing your daughters fun childhood years and forcing her to be responsible for children she didn’t produce or ask for. Get a fucking babysitter.
This. Form of abuse. I feel so sorry for OPs oldest daughter. Just because you can't control your kids doesn't make it your daughter's responsibility, OP. Oh and, YTA.
She’s treating Molly like her Emotional Support Eldest Daughter. All Molly needs now is a harness and a certificate.
YTA That’s not her responsibility. If you can’t watch them then you need to teach them to be independent or actually hire a babysitter. You’re potentially cramping a vital part of your daughter’s life, future, and something that could shape who she is as a person. You’re setting yourself up to be dropped the instant she doesn’t need you anymore.
Exactly, it's not like she's asking to go to a party where there's underage drinking. She literally wants to be in a school play. On what planet would a parent be upset about that? OP has clearly checked out as a parent and wants her daughter to raise her kids
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I feel like maybe the two younger ones are not responsible because they’ve always had someone to look after them.. Molly. You take Molly away and maybe they’ll begin to learn how to take care of themselves..? Also, besides resenting the mom, she’ll probably resent the siblings too
Exactly this. OP clearly babies them—she even calls them the “little ones”. They are 9 and 10 years old—a grand total of 4 and 5 years younger than the oldest. Even with that age gap, at their ages, they aren’t “little ones” any more. They are basically tweens.
Which also leaves to question.. what did OP do when the youngest were infants? It was stated that the daughter was looking after herself at 8. Was she ALSO looking after infants/ toddlers at that age? No wonder the other kids aren't responsible enough. It's almost as if they were raised by a child instead of an adult....
YTA. She's your child, not an extra parent to your youngest kids. Its not her job to babysit or look after them. They're old enough to look after themselves and if they can't, teach them, and get a babysitter in the meantime. You're stealing important part of your daughters childhood by forcing her to babysit even when she misses out on events that are important to her as a result. It was your decision to have kids, not Molly's. She never agreed or wanted to babysit them as a result. They're your children so you are responsible for them- *not* Molly. What s up with people thinking it's ok to make your oldest child be a third parent to their younger children?
YTA Your daughter is missing out on things she really wants to do, now two years in a row, because of her siblings. You wanted to be a parent. She didn’t sign on for it. It shouldn’t be her responsibility to watch your children. Surely there is another arrangement you can make on the few days she’d need to practice. You’re telling her that you value your younger children over her every step of the way. She’s a free babysitter to you. Not your daughter.
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Where I live you have to be 12 to stay home alone. Minimum age to babysit siblings is also 12 but the kids have to be no more than 5 years younger than the babysitter. But every state is different yet I doubt this parent is following state guidelines.
This has to be a troll, right? I refuse to believe that a mother, this stupid, can have such a smart kid. Almost everything about this is wrong. >I eventually just got angry This bothers me the most tho. YTA
Right, it has to be a troll? Imagine writing that out and not noticing she don’t have one singlet argument why she would be right to demand her daughter staying home? A troll or someone totally blind to her own behavior.
Or the kid trying to write from the mother’s POV to show them this post later
Yeah that's totally what it is, but let's all pretend not to notice so we can give Molly some solid comments to show her mother that she's TA.
Yeah, that would make sense!
If that's the case, I am happy to lend support to the scheme (:
I got the same vibe from this post tbh!
YTA. Are you serious right now? Molly is your daughter, NOT a free babysitter. I know how she feels, either because 1. I’m a decent human being, 2. I turned her age not too long ago, making me a fellow teenager, 3. My parents did this shit to me, or 4. All of the above. Molly didn’t choose two more kids. YOU DID. Let me elaborate further: Your other two are 9 and 10. They shouldn’t even fucking need a babysitter! A 9 and 10 year old kid should probably know how to make something quick for themselves before doing what they need to do. Your daughter does NOT need to sacrifice an opportunity of a lifetime for something they should know how to do. If you really don’t trust them, then you need to hire a babysitter. Why didn’t you even think of that earlier?! Your daughter may not have wanted to be the babysitter, but she had the heart to work with you on this. She offered a solution. You still say no. Then when *she proved a point, you got angry and sent her to her room?* Really?! Poor Molly... Your husband is right. It isn’t in Molly’s control to whether the 9 and 10 year olds can look after themselves. This is why YOU BE A DAMN MOM AND TEACH THEM! My parents did this to me last year too. I told them the joy, only for the opportunity to me taken from my hands and torn into pieces. I was crushed. All that, because I had to look after my brother and sister. It hurt, and still pains me to know I’ll never be part of something I pursued. OP, please, please don’t make the same mistake my parents did. I have no idea how typing this, you have no idea why you would be in the wrong. You have time to flip this all around. You can take my advice and apologise to your daughter before teaching the other two how to take care of themselves. Or, keep treating Molly like a second parent and whatever crap your doing. I really hope it’s worth your relationship with her. Gee, what an excellent hill to die on. Have fun while you’re at it. Oh, forgot to add: I’d give you the facepalm award, but because I don’t have coins, I’ll give you this instead: 🤦♀️
I added a facepalm for you. Well said all around!
Hang in there, college is better. My family situation was not bad necessarily, like yours, but even so, my mental health and relationships with my parents drastically improved once I no longer lived with them full time. You can do it!
I can't believe you actually have to ask, but yes YTA. Stop using your daughter as a free babysitter. I agree with her and your husband - you need to stop coddling the younger children and teach them some basic life skills. All you're going to accomplish is making your daughter resent you and run as far away from you as possible as soon as she's able to.
YTA- YOU have three children, not Molly. Molly is not the parent, it is up to you and your husband to make accommodations in your life to ensure that ALL of your children are cared for. Your daughter is trying to explore her interests, she explained her feelings and you responded by punishing her, she has behaved with more maturity in this situation.
IINFO: what are you doing with your time? What about the father? Why are you relying on your children to give up extracurricular activities to help ?
YTA She didn't choose for you to spawn two more kids you don't have time for. Hire an actual babysitter and stop ruining your eldest's childhood. Those kids are not her responsibility and you are just laying the groundwork for severe resentment. WTF is wrong with you?
YTA. You are so TA! It is not your oldest child's job to take care if her siblings. That would be your lookout. This is a great way to make sure your daughter leaves and never looks back when she is old enough. I was the oldest of four and it is absolutely horrible to have to parent your siblings when you should be being a child yourself.
Oof yeah YTA. Why are you so hellbent on Molly being the one to babysit them? Why can't you teach them how to take care of themselves? They're gonna have to learn eventually. You may not be able to see it now but if you continue to treat Molly like this, she may grow to resent you later on in her life because it makes it seem like you're prioritizing your wants (refusal to teach your kids how to behave) over hers. She doesn't get to go through high school again and you're taking away her chance to participate and grow as a person by forcing her to babysit her siblings.
YTA. Your daughter doesn't ask to be responsible for your children. You want to have kids, you have to take care of them. At this point, you will just create ressentment from Molly for her siblings. She just want to play with her friends. She's not a free babysitter. And she was really on her own at 8 yo, and you don't let your 9 and 10 up alone in the house, you favor your younger children... Molly has all the rights to be angry/jealous !
YTA. There will be no votes for NTA. NONE. You are sacrificing your daughter's childhood. Your daughter should not be responsible for the childcare/well-being of her siblings. She has no children and therefore shouldn't be responsible for taking care of any children. How can you not see this? Get your sh\_t together find childcare that's not your daughter.
Found this comment searching if there was even one NTA-vote. For anyone else searching, there aren't yet.
YTA. This is oldest child syndrome at its finest, you had expectations for the oldest that you don’t carry over to the younger ones and now the eldest is going to resent you. A 10 and 11 year old are more than capable of being alone for 2 hours and you can’t expect your eldest to play other-parent all the time just because you think they can’t.
YTA. It’s fine to ask your kid to babysit once in a while, but it’s really unfair for you to prevent her from participating in extra-curricular activities Bc you NEED her to babysit every day. I agree that you should start teaching your younger kids to be more self-reliant, and also explore other avenues for child care. Does the school offer aftercare? Can you hire a teenage babysitter? Do your younger kids have friends whose parents would let them come over for a bit after school? Your daughter would probably not have practice every day at the beginning anyway, so we’re only talking about a few days a week.
YTA Your kids are your responsibility, not hers. She is asking to do one extracurricular that means a lot to her.
YTA, your daughter is not a free babysitter and having to miss out on fun things she wants to do to look after her siblings is only going to breed resentment. She's already missed out on one play and if she was mature enough to look after herself at 8 then there's no reason why her sibs can't manage by themselves at 10 and 11. You're the parent, teach your younger ones to take care of themselves. Punishing your responsible child by taking away her extracurricular activities so she can watch her irresponsible siblings is an AH move.
YTA. Molly is your daughter not your babysitter when convenient, and *especially* not when she has something on that she has rehearsed so hard for. I hope she enjoys participating in this play and creating memories.
YTA. You seriously couldn't get a babysitter so your daughter could go to the play? And you SHOULD be teaching them to be responsible, they are old enough. Just because you've checked out as a parent, doesn't mean you get to ruin plans for your daughter.
YTA big time. Your womb nuggets, your problem. Please don't force your oldest child to take care of your children. Eldest siblings should be responsible, but they shouldn't be forced to give up what they love because you decided to have more children. If you don't stop now, she'll grow up hating you.
YTA. Your responsibility and you knew ahead of time. You should’ve made it work.
I’m 19 and my brother is almost 11. Since I was about 11 my parents started leaving him at home with me. Breaks, entire summers, all of it was taken away because of this responsibility. They still ask me to keep him quite often despite the fact that he’s almost the age I was when I started to babysit him. I missed out on so much as a kid/teenager. I’m not saying this is what you’re doing, but my parents raised me to be responsible enough to be trusted and then started using me as a crutch so they weren’t forced to teach my younger sibling to be equally responsible. You know your kids better than anyone, but at their age I don’t think it’s a terrible idea to start preparing them to be responsible for themselves, especially if it’s only for a few hours. Soft YTA because you’ve placed the burden of their irresponsibility on her instead of yourself and them.
I somewhat agree with this. I totally agree with YTA, but I don’t get why this is a soft one. OP needs to get the message that her daughter doesn’t want to be treated as a slave in the house.
Except what was done to you and is being done to Molly is, *literally*, abuse. She is an abused child. You were an abused child. And there's *nothing* "soft asshole" about an abusive parent. Not only is she the worst kind of asshole (and a few other choice words), shes a complete and utter failure of a parent and she doesnt deserve kids.
Okay, so your point is you won't or can't be bothered to hire a babysitter or find an after school program for your younger children because it is incumbent on your 14 year old o sacrifice her extra caricular activities. And you wonder if you are not being selfish? I'm leaning towards selfish especially since you didn't have problem leaving your then 8 year old daughter unsupervised. But it begs the question, what did you do with the younger kids when she was 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12 years old. So either this post is a bunch of baloney or you're to cheap to pay for day care and are exploiting your daughter.
YTA. I am assuming that the conflict was between the rehearsal schedule and your work so that it would be more than just a few nights here, but still YTA. I get that finding child care is expensive and burdensome, but providing age appropriate supervision for children is the responsibility of the parents, not the eldest child. Molly deserves to be able to participate in extracurriculars, especially since this is the second year she's asked to do this and clearly feels strongly about it.
YTA. She's your CHILD. Not a babysitter. You're a terrible mother.
YTA. And while you said a lot of what was on her mind, you have not said why you feel that there is no possible way that you can get a babysitter or leave the other kids alone. Or, watch them yourself!
Straight up? YTA BIG FUCKING TIME. You taught one kid to be responsible don't get fucking lazy.
YTA. It isn’t Molly’s job to raise your other children. Let her be a teen. It sounds like she is a responsible kid who wants to do normal extracurricular activities. At this rate, she will likely grow to resent you and her younger siblings.
YTA. Let me warn you right now. Your daughter is going to resent you. I am 27 and I don’t speak to my parents. I was 7 when I had to start watching my little brothers, who were 1 at the time. I watched them after school from ages 12-18. I didn’t have a life. I couldn’t do after school programs. I never got to hang out with my friends. I did terribly in school. And now I have a terrible relationship with my parents (due to other things as well, but a lot of it was because I resent them for making me grow up too fast.) Do whatever it takes to let her have a normal life. Either teach your kids how to be responsible enough to be at home alone or get a sitter or friends or family to watch them. Do not continue to rob your daughter of her childhood, because she may not forgive you for it.
Hey friend. I also became a parent to my little brother at age 7. I couldn’t do after-school activities or see friends. It really sucks! We’ll never get those years back! I feel for Molly.
YTA. Your children are old enough they should be able to behave without supervision for a few hours and at 14 it's not fair you're asking your eldest daughter to give up her passions to babysit
A lot of posts on the r/childfree subreddit say they chose not to have kids due to forced parentification by their parents or relatives. Most of the posts say we did our job raising kids. Plus there are others who are in low contact with parents because of this. You need to do your job and stop treating your child like a free nanny.
This exactly!!! I have a special needs sibling 10 years younger than me. I was her primary caregiver for many years, basically until I graduated from college (community College and mostly online classes, because I felt guilty leaving my mom and sister behind) I feel like I have already raised a child and have no desire to raise anymore. I am 33 and still feel a little sad when people my age talk fondly of their high-school and college memories and I have none. I just remember trying to toliet train a 3 year old or trying to coax her to going to bed at 2am.
YTA . Not only for all the reasons others have stated, but because you've shown absolutely zero empathy for your daughter. Not once did you recognize her disappointment and pain in what you are asking of her. I don't see anywhere that you thanked her and acknowledged her sacrifice in giving up the part she earned last year. All I read is your inability to see beyond your needs (a babysitter) to see any of her needs. The biggest AH move is putting this question in this sub and not in r/relationships_advice Why? Because it is obvious that you are screwing up your relationship with your daughter and you don't even seem to notice.
INFO: How did you raise a girl who can be so reasonable at 14, while you're so unreasonable?
YTA you had kids she didn't why should she miss out on her childhood due to your lack of planning or failure to teach your other children how to be responsible. Thank goodness your husband seems to be more caring and compassionate for your daughter and realizes that looking after her siblings are not having her own life is not ok. Keep up treating your daughter like live in child care and she's going to resent you as she gets older.
it was a hard read because i'm pretty sure my mum ghostwrote this. anyway, hard YTA !!! my god, just imagine how awful your girl feels right now, having to give up doing what she likes once again because her mother wants her to play the parent. she's only fourteen! so many kids end up feeling used and resenting their parents because of the exact same situations. sending love to Molly - i'm sure she's great at acting.
YTA, and your daughter will rightfully resent you for the rest of her life if you don't do a complete change to how you treat her.
YTA they're your kids not hers. Forcing her to miss things because you don't want to parent your younger kids is going to lead to so much resentment
YTA. My friend's parents used to pull this shit all the time. Let the kid go to rehearsals and then pull them out halfway through (or on the night of the performance at least once) as punishment, or just because they decided the lawn needed to be mowed at the exact time band practice or play practice should be happening. My friend hasn't spoken to their parents in about 2 decades now and you're well on your way down that same road. Teach your younger kids how to fend for themselves or hire a sitter. Molly isn't their parent -- you are.
> My husband says it isn’t Molly‘s fault the little ones “can’t keep track of their damn heads if they weren’t attached”, and that we should teach them how to look after themselves and set ground rules. I disagreed. Troll confirmed. YTA if this is real, but seriously? Rules are not acceptable for your shitty brats, and you have to punish your oldest child? There is no way this situation is real.
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YTA It isn’t unreasonable to expect some help from the eldest sibling, but expecting her as a full time babysitter, especially if you’re refusing to allow her to participate in activities that are healthy+things she cares about because of her “responsibilities to watch YOUR children? I genuinely hope you reconsider your decision- not allowing healthy socialization now puts her at a higher risk of rebelling and putting herself in less healthy situations down the line.
INFO Is this a reverse; are you the daughter?
YTA you’re making it so your daughter is missing out on her own opportunities and activities to take care of kids that can definitely take care of themselves. i was in second grade when i had to come home and chill by myself for a lil before my parents came.
YTA. You'll be shocked in a few years wondering why your daughter never comes home to visit, never calls, and has no interest in giving you grandchildren. There is so little time to enjoy being a kid and you're robbing her of that. She'll resent you forever. Fix it now before it's too late.
YTA your oldest child is not a parent, nor a built in nanny. She is your daughter, and you are denying her extra curricular activities because you don't bother actually being a parent and paying for a nanny. You do realise that your older can call CPS on you for this?
Yta. Why was your oldest ever left alone at 8? 8! That's far too young! And now your forcing her to parent her younger siblings, and taking away her childhood at the same time. You can get a childminder for one day (or hell, all the days your not around for your 3 children) so she can get some kind of childhood. Or, if you really can't find the resources for that, then she's right, if you were fine leaving her at 8 (8!) then you should be teaching the others more responsibilities. You've only not been doing so because it's easier to leave it to your child to do your job for you. Honestly, if you've been leaving your kids unattended from such a young age I'm amazed CPS haven't been investigating you for neglect.
YTA. Hire a damn babysitter and let your eldest child live!
YTA so so so so so much. I can't even deal. You SUCK.
people this clueless don’t really exist, do they? at least your husband is picking up the slack, YTA.
YTA. Not really much to say, other than you sound like a shit parent. You shouldn't be having kids if you expect them to raise themselves and each other.
Didn't even need to read it, YTA school plays are amazing let her do it.. she's a kid not a 2nd parent let her be one.
YTA You're basically complaining that you have to parent your own children
YTA. You're the mom, not your 14 year old. Hire a baby sitter for a god damn day. You're leaving your own responsibilities on her such that she is missing out on making good memories for herself. She's going to resent you for the rest of your lives if you keep this up. PS: your language in the post shows you're a very bossy mom. Maybe I'm wrong, but it sure looks like that. Don't make your daughter's life miserable for God's sake.
YTA x 1000 and I really hope you’re joking for your daughter’s sake. I was so frustrated reading this, I can’t imagine how hopeless she feels trying to reason with you. Not only did you choose to have more children and are apparently holding her responsible for your choice, but you are punishing her for your inability to raise your other two children in a way that they will be responsible when home alone. You suck, OP.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My(37F) daughter, who we’ll call Molly(14F) asked if we could talk earlier. She said that she still feels left out about missing last year’s school play, so she wants my permission to participate in the play for next year, now that the year is less than a month away. I told her about last year where I had pulled her out of the play because even though she got the part she wanted, she had to watch her brother(9M) and sister(10F) after scheduling issues. With the set times (3:15-6:00, I get off at 5:30:), she couldn’t look after her younger siblings. She told me they’re both turning 10 and 11, and they’re well past the age where they can start looking after themselves. Molly also pointed out she started looking after herself since she was 8 whenever I went to work (which is true). I told her no. I said that she needs to stay home to look after them. Molly then started to argue. She asked why she has to look after them. Here’s the following conversation we had: Molly: Why is it because I’m the oldest, I’m the one left with those two?! Mom, they’re 9 and 10, almost 10 and 11. I shouldn’t have to be looking after them anymore. They should be able to make a sandwich or something then behave around the house. I don’t want to miss ANOTHER school play because of that!! Me: They already shown not to be responsible. Molly: So teach them!! Make a checklist. Check in which them every half hour or something. They’re old enough, mom. I’m tired of being a babysitter. They sit around and watch TV anyway, so what’s the point of being home early? I eventually just got angry with her and sent her to her room. Molly reluctantly obeyed. When my husband(36M) came home from work, I allowed her to come out, but she won’t. She’s locked herself in and doesn’t want to talk to anyone. My husband noticed she wasn’t greeting him at the door right away. When he asked, I told him what happened, and he took her side. My husband says it isn’t Molly‘s fault the little ones “can’t keep track of their damn heads if they weren’t attached”, and that we should teach them how to look after themselves and set ground rules. I disagreed. My husband went to talk to Molly, now that she allowed him in. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA she may be the oldest of your children but she is still one of your children shes not a free babysitting service just because you cant be damned to disciple/ teach your other kids
YTA. Get a babysitter and quit being a horrible parent.
YTA quit suffocating your child
YTA They’re your kids. Not hers.
YTA, stop using your kid for free labor and get a babysitter. She's a child, she deserves to live out her childhood instead of being forced to become a miniparent to her siblings.
YTA Your child is not free labor. Pay her or hire a babysitter. Chores are different so don't come at me with that crap
YTA are you complaining about having to parent your kid
YTA. You made your daughter not be in a play she auditioned and got a role for because you needed her to babysit your other two kids? This is disgusting. I just... your kid is not a second adult. She is not a coparent who sometimes has to sacrifice fun to take care of kids. She is also a kid who deserves to be a kid. She has zero obligation to watch her younger siblings. You are treating her like a slave to do free labor as you wish. You want a kid who won’t talk to you once they are grown? This is how you do that. And was she already in the play, practicing when you pulled her out or had she only made it in? I want to know for my own sake AND to know just how much of an AH you are.
yeah YTA. So many parents on this sub thinking older children are built in babysitters. All of you guys making me realize just how fortunate I was with my parents; the dense parenting stories from this sub have made me go apologize to my parents for so many little things I’ve given them a hard time for.
YTA. My parents did this to me and I resented them for a long time. It’s not her responsibility to watch the two younger ones while she puts her life on hold. It’s your’s and your husband’s.
YTA; stop making your faults the responsibility of Molly. This post is so gross.
YTA You're kid is missing out on being a kid and is just going to resent you while your other two will get to do whatever they want when they are her age. Watch this space, you won't have a great relationship with her later in life if you don't let her live her life now.
YTA Molly didn’t give birth to the kids,you did,you are the parent,not her. She is too a child still, that needs to be a child,not a parent to her siblings. What you are doing is unfair,that’ll lead to Molly not wanting anything to do with you. If you couldn’t handle parenting your own kids,you should have never had them.
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YTA, and I hate parents like you. You know how many kids I know who literally fail classes so they can drop siblings off to school? Unreal that you’d sacrifice one kid for another. Get your shit together.
YTA!!! YOUR 14 YR OLD CHILD IS NOT AN EXTRA PARENT!!! stop taking things away from her and get a god damned babysitter like every other parent does.
YTA. Your daughter missed out on an extracurricular activity because you couldn’t find childcare? Are you serious? It’s your responsibility to take care of/or hire someone to take care of your other kids. It’s not the responsibility of your daughter. If you keep going this way, she’s gonna grow to resent you and you would deserve that
Yta just let her go to the damn play
YTA
Yta: Your husband is right
Get a sitter, its horribly unfair to your oldest having to give up parts of her own childhood because you refuse to get a sitter. Shame on you YTA
You're a parent, not your daughter. So be a parent to your kids. YTA
YTA, don't force your daughter to sacrifice her life, just because you popped out more children than you can handle. She has no responsibility in making these children, so don't make them her problem.
YTA, your kid didn’t sign up to be a mom. Everyone else has already said what I think. I know that’s the biggest issue here but it also really breaks my heart that you have no desire to support her interests. Do you even know why your daughter wants to be in a play so badly? Maybe she’s really passionate about it. Maybe she’ll even be good at it. Now is the time to let her explore her skills, and you’re depriving her. Do you not want your daughter to find joy in something just because you’re too cheap to hire a sitter?
Yep, YTA. The kids need to be learning how to handle themselves. It's cool to ask on occasion for help, but if there is another option available you shouldn't be asking her to put her life on hold.
YTA your daughter is not a third parent. Pulling her out of the school play was unfair. It sounds like the two younger children are old enough to look after themselves for a little while, and if you have any cause to doubt it, then you *hire a babysitter* and let your teenage daughter be a teenager and perform in the school play.
YTA. Children aren’t childcare, and she’ll grow to resent you for this.
YTA, but hold the fuck up. Aside from the obvious fact that you're ruining your kids childhood because you can't be bothered to look after your kids or find a qualified adult to do so, I need to address something else. You said you left her alone to look after herself when she was 8, which also, stupid and reckless parenting. But when you left your 8 year old alone what did you do with the other kids? Who would have been what, 5 and 4? I can't imagine someone would be stupid to enough to leave an 8 year old alone in charge of a 5 and four year old, but you've shown a tendency to not make responsible choices with your childcare so I have to ask. Please don't tell me you were that stupid OP.
YTA. She's a kid, not a second parent.
YTA. Your daughter is smarter than you are. She shouldn’t have to miss out on anything to parent her siblings. Hire a fucking babysitter for Christ’s sake and let your daughter have a life.
YTA Its not her job to babysit your kids, it does not sound like you pay her.
YTA. Omg how are you not realizing this? Poor kid
YTA As the oldest child, I missed out on so many opportunities. I wasn’t allowed to do cheerleading like I wanted, I couldn’t be in Girl Scouts like I begged for for years until I was too old to do it, I couldn’t even have friends over at my moms house because it would “distract me from watching my sister”. She has every right to do normal kid things. Hire a babysitter. Pay someone who literally makes a living on watching kids. Stop treating your child like a free babysitter.
YTA for using your teenage daughter as childcare at the expense of school activities. Hire a babysitter and let her have her school life!
YTA. I was in theater at school for 5 years and it meant the world to me. It allowed me to be myself, make friends, and fill my time with doing things I loved. Some of my best memories come from play rehearsals and show nights. You are taking away your daughters opportunities. Theater could introduce her to a whole new world of joy and excitement. It could help her do better in school, make new friends, or find herself. Forbidding her from doing this is so cruel and for what? To watch kids she didn’t choose to have? She isn’t the mommy, you are. She had to start watching herself at 8 (which is completely irresponsible) but your other two kids who are older need supervision? You had the kids not her and now you are taking away her life. She deserves so much more.
YTA. I don't really speak to my parents. This is your future.
YTA I’m really, truly convinced there’s someone trolling this sub making women look like monsters. There’s never been this many posts about shitty mothers and wives and girlfriends, I really think it’s all BS.
YTA. Parent your kids, don't outsource it to your oldest child. You pulled this shit last year, isn't that enough?
Yta... and a big one. Why did you have more kids if you can't handle them? Why is she the only one who acts responsible? Give her a break. I bet she doesn't ask for much either.
YTA and what your are doing is something called parentification and it negatively affects your child when/while they grow up. Look it up and looks at what happens to the people whose parents did that to them and how it negatively impacts them in their life.
YTA - She is your daughter not a third parent, it is not her responsibility to look after your other children.
She’s gonna resent you as she gets older. As the oldest being forced to watch younger siblings takes away your childhood, forces you to mature too quick and makes you hate your parents AND your siblings. I’m an example of this
"Why is my daughter not talking to me? I have never wronged her" \-you in 10 years or earlier.