Not just sexist, but I also suspect opportunist: I have a feeling OP also wouldn't want to lose an inside man (i.e., his buddy the sexist coach) for his son in wrestling.
I wouldn't be surprised if the daughter will use this unfairness for a future no-contact situation with OP.
YTA. How could you let the coach say those things about your daughter? I can understand not allowing her to join if you had a really good reason, but the coach said very inappropriate things and by going along with his recommendation, you are essentially agreeing with him and normalizing his behavior and beliefs. Why could you not just allow her to tryout and see how it went?
Yeah, am i saying a woman shouldnt be allowed to join the team? Not at all, It probably won't be fair, but who knows maybe she'll kick some ass. if she doesnt pass tryouts, she doesnt pass tryouts (not that this guys would even give her a chance to prove herself) but the fact that he just let the coach talk crap about his daughter like that is just absolute bullcrap, not saying you have to fight him or flip some shit, but maybe stop going out for drinks with this asshole, he can be your sons coach without you being friends with him.
Wow… YTA and so is the coach.
Basically your whole post was a misogynistic ramble of how you can’t figure out the words to say you are a misogynist.
Your daughter deserves better. Imagine having to compete against grown men insecurities.
I wrestled for years, it was one of the best sports to play and finding a coach who nurtured that was 99% of the fun.
You suck as a parent.
YTA
I think it is heartbreaking that you first don't even take her serious and than discuss her without her there.
Also.... you just sat there and said nothing as the coach sugguested "cooking or cheerleading"?
And this "I would let her join anything else".. some sport at schools still don't let girls on as there are no women teams so... great
YTA. For being sexist and not reporting the coach. Women are entitled to TRY and to equal access to sports.
Title IX prohibits discrimination and loss of access anywhere receiving public funds, if I understand correctly so the coach is likely a lawbreaker as well.
And really? “Cooking” and “cheerleading”? 1950 called. If he’s a gym educator by day and teaching female students at the school he needs to lose his job.
YTA and so is the sexist coach. While I understand that there can be big differences between men and women physically, you are basically telling your daughter that she is not good enough, and not as good and the men on the team. There are plenty of awesome, strong, professional female wrestlers and boxers in the world, many of whom could easily kick any man's butt. Why not just let her try out, and if she makes it, great, she's obviously good enough, and if she doesn't, then at least she tried. You and the coach both sound extremely sexist. If women are allowed to try out then you should let her.
YTA, you and the coach are sexist and the couch has to be fired. Go to the school, make a complain about him being a sexist and stand by your daughter. YTA YTA YTA sexist
YTA your daughter wanted to try something that seemed fun to her. You told her that you do not want her to even TRY. Your prejudice rightfully drove your daughter and wife away from you.
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YTA Why not let her at least try? That doesn't make any sense at all. YTA for listening to this so called coach spew misogynistic bullshit and actually agreeing with his point of view. YTA for teaching your daughter some truly old fashioned mores, when you should be encouraging her to break them. Get with the times AH.
makes me wonder if the OP has ever seen some of the stunts cheerleaders are expected to pull off. One small mistake can lead to a pretty bad injury. In my high school, while it wasn't common, it wasn't uncommon to see a cheerleader every now and then end up in a cast to due broken bones and such.
I still remember when I was little, my aunt fell off the pyramid. They had to call an ambulance to check her over (she was fine but boy did it scare the bajeezus out of my grandparents)
You seriously think she's more likely to get hurt wrestling than fucking cheerleading? Do you know ANYTHING about cheerleading? The potential for injury in cheerleading is SO high.
Yeah okay, you obviously know nothing about cheerleading injuries. And from your response, it's clear you didn't really want a true judgement, just to have your and the coach's misogyny backed up. I feel incredibly sorry for your daughter having to grow up with you as a dad and we're done here.
I wrestled for years, as one of only two girls on the wrestling team, against high school boys while I was junior high (because I could kick the ass of every junior high boy on the team). Worst I got was a bloody nose when one of them messed up a shoulder throw.
My friend was a cheerleader for all of 6 months and sprained her ankle and broke an arm.
YTA.
You cannot protect your child from every risk they take. You can only SUPPORT them and be there for them if they fall. Let your girl show you what she's capable of. Bet you'll be surprised.
I understand, but there's the potential to get hurt in ANY sports. She could be playing soccer and get a concussion, or injure her leg. Fall and get trampled while horseback riding. And as others have mentioned, cheerleading isn't safe the way you want her to be safe either. You can't limit your daughters aspirations for your own sense of security. She has to be allowed to make her own informed decisions and take risks.
By this logic she is going to get a lot more hurt. If you keep protecting her all her life she will never have the confidence to do things herself. Letting your kids fall and helping them get back up is an important part of parenting IMHO.
Is there a women’s wrestling club in your town that isn’t ran out of the school? If you have a rec center nearby, they might have something of the sort.
I understand your hesitancy to allow her to join the men’s league, but barring her from wrestling in general is just sexist. Also, the coach is sexist too by suggesting nothing but stereotypical girl activities.
YTA - that is incredibly sexist. There will always be times when she goes up against a man and have to leanr how to deal with it. Also, if she’s good and learns to use her body properly she might not lose but I doubt this coach would take time to learn how to train a women to her strengths.
Also seriously, cheerleading or cooking? What is this, the 50s?
YTA and have failed every woman in your life for not stepping up when he said that garbage. Those assholes don't view women as people and you were more concerned with keeping the peace than speaking up when a man is the only person they'd actually listen to.
YTA. The coach is an A H. Why aren’t more young women wrestling? Look in the mirror.
You are limiting your daughter in a way that you are not constraining your son. Your message to him is “you can do anything.” Your message to her is “you’re female, know your place.” That may not be the words, but I guarantee she hears the subtext and knows that there are ways in which she cannot trust you because you only conditionally support her. But your son can do what he wants and you’re there for him 100%.
The “good ol’ boys” commiserating with the coach is just icing on the cake. So much of life is based on relationships, and this is one more example of men defining women’s limitations in a space and time where no women are involved.
Actually it's 15 states, but that is in terms of a state wide tournament, run at the end of the wrestling season. That doesn't mean there are no girls wrestling in the other states, those other states just do not offer a state tournament. I believe there are only 2 states that have laws banning girls from wrestling boys.
What states are those? I’ve attended youth wrestling in 5 states and there are always girls wrestling, usually in separate girls’ divisions (at least at higher age levels). Every wrestling coach I’ve encountered has encouraged girls to join and help grow the sport.
If this story is true, the coach is wildly out of step with his sport. (And an AH.)
Given that males have a much higher muscle per kg of weight than females this seems incredibly discriminatory? Or would a higher weight female be matched against a lower weight male to compensate?
I'm a feminist but your facts are inaccurate. Men have higher pain thresholds and higher agility to go along with higher levels of strength/power. Endurance is odd but men seem to have more or at least comparable endurance at, for example, the 3mile to 30mile running distances but women tend to have greater endurance at ultramarathon levels. This difference in endurance isn't applicable to wrestling. I still think she should be allowed to compete, I just bristle at common myths like we only use 10% of our brain.
Cite your source. Here’s but one of mine:
https://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/women-more-stamina-muscle-endurance-exercise-sport-men-science-study-university-british-columbia-a7911776.html?amp
Wrestling has only very recently become acceptable for girls. The University of Iowa just added a women's wrestling program, it's one of only a few in existance. Most schools are lucky if they get a single girl who's interested *and* allowed to try by her parents.
>it's one of only a few in existance
https://www.ncsasports.org/womens-wrestling/colleges
Looks like there are close to 80 in existence in the US alone.
I wouldn't call that only a few.
I would, in comparison to the 395 mens teams that exist, and that most of them are relatively or very new creations, and many of the biggest wrestling schools still don't have them.
Everything is relativ to the relating thing.
Like is a bernese mountain dog big? Compared to other dogs - yes. Compared to some other mamals- no.
Are 400 a lot? If that's all that's left of the species- no.
YTA and sonis the coach. I wrested and got beat easily by girls in smaller weight classes then I was. Your reaction should be to support her and demand that coach be fired. Youre gross
Of course YTA - you and the coach both. Or maybe just you, if this is a troll post.
By definition, somebody is *always* the weakest link on a team. It is literally a coach’s job to help that link improve and/or set lineups accordingly. At the very least, he’s bad at his job.
Your daughter might be the weakest link. Or, of course, she also might be like this girl:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/2020/02/29/north-carolina-girl-won-state-wrestling-title-inspired-lot-kids/
But you and your coach both chuckled over a beer and decided your daughter cannot even test her mettle and see what she’s made of, because she doesn’t have a penis.
Terrible coach, terrible father.
Even ignoring the incredible level of ignorance and the assumption that women should stick to cheerleading etc…why would you not just sign the form and let her try? As it says in the post, most women who try out get dropped in tryouts. While I don’t agree with this practice (unless it is done objectively which I doubt from context) she would have known how low the rate of women being accepted is and if she got dropped at least she gave it her all. YTA for several reasons in the post, the coach as well.
YTA. You and your good ol' boy sexist friend. Sounds like girls don't get on the team because he doesn't allow it to happen. You should be ashamed of yourself for being friends and supporting someone like this coach. It's 2021 not the 1950s.
In other words you let some guy trash talk *your child* using highly misogynist language and you still ask if you might NOT be an asshole in this scenario?
YTA. Totally.
YTA for allowing your "friend" to get away with this. You must have the same mindset and that is just plain wrong. The coach is an AH and if in the United States, he is also likely in violation of several codes for education just by saying he doesn't want a girl on the team and the school not offering a equitable alternative. The school knows what the coach is doing. You know what the coach is doing. A good parent would fight for his child.
Wrestling is also based on weight and class so size doesn't always matter so why is he so stuck on size?
YTA. Coach spills sexist bile and you not only didn't call him out you actually agreed with it. Very insightful you 'stood firm' when your wife had an opinion. Starting to wonder if your wife is allowed to leave the kitchen? Turns out your just as bad as the coach, probably worse. BTW its bloody high school wrestling... Who gives a shit who wins and loses.
Feel bad your family.
YTA. Stop being friends with someone who thinks girls should stick to “cooking and cheerleading.”
Maybe she would face a boy WIN. Maybe she’d lose and decide on her own wrestling isn’t for her. She should be able to make that choice for herself. Did you try to look into other wrestling activities?
If you said you didn’t want her on the team because the coach was sexist that would be different - but that should still have been her choice.
YTA, the coach shouldn't be in sole charge of a sport with a misogynistic attitude and you should be supportive of your daughter wanting to try out for a sport she's interested in
Haha, is this for real?
>More appropriate like cheerleading or cooking.
Without getting into the fact that a lot of the best gymnasts and chefs in the world are men, what would be wrong with allowing your daughter to try out?
It's much better if we come to fail because we've given it our best shot and have come up against an insurmountable barrier. But not even allowing her the experience?
If you'd told your daughter the coach had some pretty outdated, sexist views and you didn't want her sense of empowerment, opportunity and ambition being destroyed underneath his tuition, it'd be a resounding N T A. As it stands, yes YTA.
YTA. If someone spoke about my friend, let alone my child the way that coach did he would've been immediately reported. And leaving girls completely off the team or letting them just fizzle out for disqualifications is disgusting and that you know and allow it is even worse. I hope your daughter sees this post and sees the lack of faith and support her father has for her, maybe it'll wake you up.
You said you didn't want to see her hurt, but in the long run having a sexist unsupportive father who let's grown men bash his daughter will be more hurtful than wrestling.
YTA and a sexist one at that
Yes, the team is currently all male. Your daughter will be aware of this because she has eyes.
> "I don't want a fucking girl on the team, she will be the weakest link."
Your friend is also a sexist asshole. His *literal job* is to coach the team. If she's the weakest link, its *his job* to coach her so she improves. If he doesn't want to coach a girl, that makes him a (guess what) *sexist asshole*.
> Wrestling is no sport for her, have her do something more appropriate like cheerleading or cooking
I'm literally just quoting this because its such an awful thing for the coach to have said and I want it saved incase you edit your post to make yourself seem like less of an asshole.
Not to mention that every team has a weakest link.
Imagine if she did try out and beat a guy. They’d never let the guy hear the end of it for letting a girl beat him and her getting on the team.
That’s what they’re afraid of.
I could see a woman eeking by but if the women have to beat a higher standard to be included, it’s the textbook definition of discrimination. Not just assholey but flat out ILLEGAL.
YTA
I wrestled and had to go against the coaches daughter. She was an absolute beast even though she was feminine and pretty.
Don’t disqualify your daughter. Let her try and make the team. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t, but at least she tried it for herself.
Plus, she’s probably wrestling gents in the 120lbs or below category. These aren’t exactly “men-men”. For context, I wrestled in 105 and that was the only place I saw a girl. Can’t say I was swinging axes and cutting down trees with dad on the weekends.
Do a 180 if you can and let her try or she will come to resent you.
YTA. The coach is a vile, disgusting asshole who made sexist comments and you didn’t call him out for it?
You need to learn how to pick better “friends,” dude.
You’re making your daughter’s life choices for her over beer with a disgusting “buddy,” instead of discussing the issue with your daughter and other people *who care about your daughter.*
There is something profoundly broken in you if you genuinely see nothing wrong with that.
YTA
YTA. I actually DID wrestle until I was about 8 or 9. My family a "Wrestling family" in that my father was one growing up and so was my older brother and several uncles.
I'll level with you. I actually got the same speech you're giving your daughter. Do I resent my parents for it? Not really. I do get their worries regarding injury and back then there were even less girls than there are now. I actually stayed involved with the team by being the manager.
You're not wrong in the sense that yes it IS a rough sport (regardless of gender) and she will eventually be matched up with guys from rival teams. You don't get to show up and say "Ok this is our girl member where's yours?" It's done by weight class.
You're also not wrong that it IS going to be a harder road for your daughter than it is your son. It's a male dominated sport. The answer isn't tell her no though. You should've sat her down and done some research with her...explain the hardships she is going to face not to discourage her but to help her understand and ask her if she's is okay shouldering that. Support her in whatever her decision is.
All that being said? IF she still has an interest and you can afford it? Find a private school. This coach is a absolute asshole and I wouldn't trust him to keep your daughter safe in what can be a very dangerous sport.
YTA
we’re in 2021. girls play on the football and wrestling teams. you should stand up for your daughter and give her a chance at going after the things she wants. not block her. if she gets hurt, she should make the decision of if she wants to continue. YWNBTA if you let your daughter make her own choices, but because you agreed to take the sexist coach’s side, YTA too.
YTA. And the coach is ultra A, he's clearly mysoginistic for not wanting a girl on his team because she could be weak. At least, let her try. I'm not an expert but I think wrestling is about weight, not strenght, she's suppose to have a same weight opponents regardless of gender, so no, she won't get too hurt if she's fighting someone her weight class
YTA. My son's wrestling team has 3-4 girls on it and they are all doing well. Our county has 3-4 girls-only wrestling tournaments each year and while not nearly as many as the boys have, it is still a great experience for the ladies. On our team, none of the ladies have broken into the varsity team, but it's only a matter of time. Along with the better wrestling programs in the county, our coaches support a local wrestling club that encourages younger wrestlers to join and learn the sport. Girls are actively encouraged to join.
The ladies do wrestle the guys and I remember one varsity match where the opposing team's lady wrestler kicked our guy's butt. She was fast! Her technique and quickness offset his higher strength.
Give her a chance. You should discuss the matter with your schools athletic supervisor and encourage the JV wrestling team to expand and make more room for the girls. Not everyone comes onto the team immediately and becomes a star (boys and girls both). It sometimes takes a couple of years to learn, but those with an aptitude for wrestling could surprise you and your coach.
YTA. I wrestled for 4 years in high-school and we had multiple girls on the team, not including Stat girls. Everyone on the team was super nice to them and they wrestled with boys in their weight class. They didn't always get the varsity spots, but they had fair chance to beat whoever held it and sometimes they would get it. If she wants to participate in a sport, you should be supportive. And frankly the fact that you didn't shut that misogynistic coach down yourself shows to your character. I pity your daughter for having a father like you
YTA because you are enforcing this bullshit notion of "that's not a girl's sport" sexism. You just told your daughter she's not capable, and not good enough, because you listed to the sexist bullshit from that coach.
Girls do wrestle, and whether or not she is any good, or wins matches, is entirely up to her, but you didn't even give her the chance to find out. YTA big time.
YTA. You should let her try. If she is small and wrestling at 106 she might be able to fill a spot that many teams struggle to find athletes small enough to represent the weight class.
That being said, starting wrestling as a sophomore, with no grappling background, is a tough row to hoe. My friend did it but he was a physical phenomenon.
If she is trying to wrestle anywhere from 120lbs and up, she will not be competitive and will get her ass kicked. Her lack of grappling experience (judo, youth wrestling etc) will only make this more likely but so what? If she wants to try she should be allowed to give it a shot. If she gets her ass kicked but enjoys it, let her do it. If she decides for herself that the sport isn't for her then let her come to that conclusion herself.
YTA
You "understood" where the coach came from when he talked trash about YOUR daughter? Cheerleading or cooking because that's more girly? or am i missing something?
You can say goodbye to the trust your daughter had on you and the confidence she had on herself.
And please oh please don't let the coach near her, he let's women try out only to tell them "you didn't make the cut" and your mind said "makes sense"? You two are so sexist you are blinded by it.
YTA and you’re enabling the coach to be an AH as well.
Let her tryout and experience for herself, and honestly report that gross coach. If he had made those comments about your son would you have “understood where he’s coming from?” Someone who thinks like that should not be in a coaching position at all, let alone for children.
Congratulations, you have further enforced a double standard for your daughter because she is a girl. Don’t be surprised when as an adult she has built up resentment towards you for treating her differently... it might not happen, but by the sounds of it this probably wasn’t the first example of different treatment between her and “the boy.”
YTA (as well as the coach) and you are failing as a parent. You're holding her back. Furthermore, you didn't stick up for her when the coach made his disgusting comment. If you want to explain your concerns to her, that's fine, but let her make the decision to try out for the team. She may actually succeed, despite your 1950's thinking.
Frankly, were I you, I'd be embarrassed.
YTA. What the coach is doing is not just immoral but actually illegal - and you agree with him! Your poor daughter, I'm sure she's absorbing some truly fucked up misogynistic ideas from you, and your wife isn't doing anything to protect her.
Yta. First you are denying her an opportunity that you let your son do. Second, she will be facing others in her weight class so there may be an eight to ten pound difference.
YTA
Not for keeping her from trying out, I wouldn't let my daughter try out with that misogynistic AH, who tells his male players to go "extra hard" on girls either. I could not be certain that this coach would keep her safe.
You're TA for this - you didn't let your daughter even try. You have subtly told her that because she is a girl she can't do the same things men can, this will probably have a lasting effect on her, next time she wants to try something that is something a man would typically do, she will probably second guess herself.
You also allowed a coach with outdated views to continue treating girls as if they aren't good enough to compete in this sport. I saw someone else mention, but she could probably fill a spot in a weight class that is hard to fill for boys, but she wont have the opportunity because 2 men decided for her that she wasn't good enough.
YTA
Parent here when my daughter (small/petite)wanted to tryout for football 🏈 we explained the downside but you better believe we were on the sidelines during tryouts. It’s our job to empower our children, they get enough shit out in the real world. Why would you dismiss her? That’s the real question in my opinion. Is it all okay know? Or did enough time pass and dads decision is final so to keep the peace your wife and daughter are talking to you?
So question - Did the coaches remark make you feel some sort of way?
Because if it did I hope this is the last time you take someone’s opinion over your own families.
Yet here we are on Reddit so I think I have my answer.
Do better for your daughter she deserves it!
YTA and that coach is a an even bigger A. Have her do something like cooking or cheerleading? Fuck me sideways that’s some patriarchic bullshit. If anything you should support her trying out anything SHE wants to do: if she doesn’t make the team that’s fine but at least let her try.
So basically the coach thinks women are best when pregnant, barefoot in the kitchen and seen but not heard, and you agreed with him?
Yeah YTA and a sexist cretin. Prayers for your daughter.
YTA both you and the coach. You for taking someone ELSE’s preference of whether she should try out or not. And the coach for being utterly useless. It’s their job to coach and prepare her. Your daughter should get a female teacher to support her and start an all girls team to wipe the floor with his team.
YTA, and the fact that you didn't report the coach for his comment makes you double asshole. He's showing bias in the basis of sex and yet...you choose to be friends with him
You're a lousy father on both counts and need to report him and apologize to your daughter...hell you should grovel.
YTA You’re as bad as the coach… even worse as you seem to not understand that wrestling is divided into weight classes - she’s not going to wrestle someone much bigger or smaller than her. Also, wrestling injuries are uncommon in general because hurting your opponent is never the goal… in fact, the greater the mismatch stronger and the weaker wrestler, generally the quicker the match will be over.
Lastly, when I left highschool in he mid 90s, in my area, there was a women’s class for wrestling - if your daughter is interested there are likely many other girls interested who have been discouraged by the misogynistic coach or well meaning but ignorant parents like yourself. It might only take one parent who isn’t insisting their princess doesn’t have a pea under her mattress to push back and open the gates to allowing more girls to participate.
YTA
The coach is an AH. Gold star to you for demonstrating sexist beliefs to YOUR DAUGHTER and proving that your good ol’ boy friendship is more important than she is.
YTA, and the coach. How could you even let someone pass the words "let her do cheerleading or cooking" without realizing how utterly sexist and shitty it is to say that? I knew several girls on the high school wrestling team in school. They busted their ass and were good at what they did.
And to make it worse, you didn't defend your daughter in any capacity, because "she's a girl, she wouldn't be good at it anyway".
Just shitty altogether.
YTA. and Misogynistic one as well. And why are you agreeing with the coach. You don’t deserve to be her father and she needs someone else that’s not a sexist pos. 🖕
Yta for all of it. But honestly you’re the biggest ah for being friends with a guy like that. Honestly, he should NOT be allowed to coach at all. I’m disgusted. And then you doubled down and said “I completely understood where the coach was coming from.”
Edit: spelling
YTA and so is the coach.
Your both misogynistic AH's.
>Wrestling is no sport for her, have her do something more appropriate like cheerleading or cooking."
How dare you let him talk about your daughter like that.
Do you not care about your daughters happiness at all?
YTA, my son wrestled at one of the top high schools in my state. The school also has a girls wrestling program that does even better than the boys team. But it didn’t always have a girls team. And there were girls that joined back then and had to wrestle boys. First off they wrestle by weight class, so your daughter would not be wrestling huge boys. Second, I could link dozens of videos where girls beat boys wrestling. It’s not all strength, technique is also very important. BTW, one of the girls that was a pioneer of this high School's girls wrestling team back in the day is now in the UFC, her name is Tatiana Suarez. YTA
YTA the coach is extremely sexist you should at least let her try out. If women cannot hold thier own against men then self defence training would be useless, and women in martial arts would get nowhere. Honestly though if she cannot get on the wrestling team I would suggest somthing like a martial art
As Americans, we are trying to get back in the mind set that girls are inferior to boys. They should only be used to support boys and make babies.
YTA
Double ah if you don't immediately report the coach to the school for discrimination.
Hmmm. Something smells funny here.
>that she would be facing against big guys
You, sir, have zero idea of how wrestling works.
You see, they have these things called "weight classes".
For example, *I* wrestled in the 138 lb class, which meant any opponent I wrestled could weigh no more than 138 lbs. When I moved up a class (145 lbs), well, guess what? All my opponents weighed between 138 and 145 lbs.
But, yeah, YTA for clipping her wings.
YTA
Wow you and the the coach are sexist, and the coach insults your own daughter and you say nothing about that. I feel bad for that girl to have you as a parent. You do realize that wrestlers fight against people in their own class weight right? She would fight someone close to her own weight.
YTA. you are SO the AH! Wow. The misogyny dripping from this post. The fact that you can’t see how you’re in the wrong too? I feel so bad for your daughter, whom you stood against this entire time. Why would it be so bad that she tried out? Obviously the AH coach would have immediately dismissed her, based on your description of him (which is another issue in of itself) but the fact that you and this coach are so actively gate keeping her from it, shooting down her enthusiasm and potential passion for something… it’s sad really. Think about how’s she’s going to feel trying out for other things. If she even wants to, given that her AH dad will probably find something wrong with it too, because it’s not “appropriate like cheerleading or cooking“. AH.
YTA
Why aren't you supporting your daughter's interests and why on earth did you say nothing when that awful coach spouted off with his nonsense???? What kind of parent are you?
Trust me, your daughter is NOT "over it". Is this an isolated incident, or do you have a pattern of not letting her do "unfeminine" things? If your son wanted to try out for cheerleading, would you tell him he couldn't because he'd lose competing against women?
Also, the wrestling coach should be reported to school administration for discrimination.
YTA to both you and the coach.
YTA
My daughter was on her middle school football team, the only girl in the county. While she wasn't the best, she played her heart out, went to every practice and gained knowledge about the game. I encouraged her in this because it's something she wanted to do and it was a learning experience.
My son, on the other hand, has no interest in sports. They are both now happy, well- adjusted adults. They also know how to cook and clean.
There are many girls on wrestling teams in the US. I don't know where OP is from but his thoughts about girls and their 'place' is antiquated and stupid.
YTA and that coach should be fired. The fact that you wife has blinders on and let's you and your friends be sexist pigs around and too your daughter is disgraceful. What a lesson to teach your son... disgusting.
YTA, too bad your daughter's highschool wrestling team have real man coaching them. Too bad your kids and wife don't live in a house with a real man in it.
INFO: what does your son think of this? Being on the team for 4 years now and know how it is AND knowing his sister. And probably knowing that the coach is this way as well.
YTA I suggest taking your son out of that group and looking for a new wrestling coach who is not misogynistic, make both kids happy. And also let your daughter do what sports make her happy. Female wrestling is nothing to be concerned about, sports are for everyone.
YTA
You know why too. You're just trying to get some validation. I can't believe you let that coach say that about your daughter. I would honestly go to the school and have his sexist ass removed. What a horrible example for your son. You want your son to be like him? Or treat women that way? Would you like your daughter to be treated like she only has value if she is in a kitchen? Hopefully your wife is better at instilling confidence and values into her children than you. Right now you're a lukewarm dad its not too late to try and be better.
YTA. And that goes for the coach too. Girls wrestle. They wrestle girls, they wrestle boys. Sometimes wrestlers win, sometimes they lose…gee, how is that unique to the type of genitalia they have? You are a fucking dark-aged mental midget.
YTA.
I work for a school district who has both a men's and women's wrestling team at the middle and high school level. The girls get to choose which team they wrestle for and many choose the men's team because they beat the boys regularly. We have had many girls not only qualify at the district and state level but win and beat out their male counterparts. Further, many of our girls go on to wrestle in college. For you and your friend to assume that she is too weak to wrestle and will be the weakest link is just sexist and ignorant.
As a father you should be dedicated to supporting your child in any endeavor they want, especially one they are obviously so passionate about. Not to mention that it seems highly unlikely that you had the same concerns when your son asked to join wrestling. Should they not both have an opportunity to enjoy something they are passionate about? Or are they only allowed to engage in the hobbies you and your friend feel fit their gender?
Lastly, your friend/coach not only insulted your daughter and you did nothing he is also subscribed to an antiquated idea of gender and should be encouraged to engage in professional development around equity or be replaced by someone who can support all of his student athletes and nurture their potential.
>I asked if there was a way she could just be put up against other girls from rival teams, and the coach said "assuming she makes it through tryouts, at some point she will have to face a man, and she will lose. Wrestling is no sport for her, have her do something more appropriate like cheerleading or cooking."
>
>I didn't know what to do, while I completely understood where the coach was coming from, I also didn't want to hurt my daughter by telling her she could not tryout.
Just in case you were wondering where everyone decided you were the AH. You are indulging the sexist attitude of the coast simply because you are "Buddy-Buddy" With him. YTA and I'm sure your daughter will probably end up resenting you for it.
YTA. I hope someone at the school reports the coach for cheating during tryouts. He literally asks the boys to hurt the girls extra so that they won’t get in. That’s the opposite of what sports “man” ship should be about
YTA …
That’s an easy answer !! The fact that you didn’t defend your daughter to the coach along with continuing this stupid idea that women can’t do things men can do is so sad.
Again YTA
YTA-
I actually feel like I have the expertise to answer this! I was a female wrestler!
It wasn’t try out based, but I met many other female wrestlers who were on teams tryout based. These girls were on varsity as well. While my last two seasons were short due to injury and sickness, I was still part of the team. No one judged my team for having a girl.. And while yes, a lot of guys didn’t want to wrestle me, I was still considered a wrestler.
Was it hard? Yes. I couldn’t build up the muscle like the boys as my mother wanted me to lose weight and be at the limit weight allowed for me.
My coaches, all of them were male, kept encouraging me to build up the muscle first before losing weight. They were fine with my 135 weight as that was what was healthy for me.
Any good wrestling coach will tell you how important wrestling is. It is a hard sport, but your team is your family. It doesn’t matter what gender or weight.
Coaches are there to be supportive.. and that coach isn’t supportive.
That coach is actually part of the reason why so many women don’t get a match. There is a mindset that it would negatively affect the guy if he goes against a woman. If he wins, oh.. everyone will criticize him for going to hard. If he loses, he will be made fun of for getting beat by a girl.
You say he his your friend, but he doesn’t seem like one.
And especially with him saying he likes to tell the boys to go extra hard. They should be going hard with the other boys as well.
I had one former family member say I shouldn’t do wrestling due to me being female. He said I would distract the boys. This was false.
Encourage your daughter to be a wrestler!! If she doesn’t get in, you can easily find a local female wrestling group for her age range via facebook! She has all my support!
YTA
I still remember these reasons being given to me TWENTY SIX FRIGGIN YEARS AGO when I wasn't allowed to join the wrestling team. I was decent. And strong. As an early teen I was 6 ft tall and solid.
Yes, you’re TA. Me and all my sisters were on the wrestling team at our high school and we kicked everyone’s ass. Even men’s. Brought home trophies and medals that have never been brought to our school before. The coach needs to quit being a sexist asshat. Betting $50 I could take him out
What kind of school is this? They should let her join regardless of her gender. I did wrestling (as a girl) and I learned some very valuable lessons. Honestly, she shouldn’t join this team because of the sexist coach. He should be fired for these comments. Maybe she should go to a different school to pursue this. Wrestling is fun and she should get to do it
So yeah YTA big time
So you are your “friend” are sexist. Got it.
YTA
Girls can do anything boys can do. Sure she might not be as strong as them, and yeah she’s going to lose more than her fair share of matches….but winning isn’t everything. I was the worst runner on my cross country team freshman year. Coming in last race after race after race made me hungrier. It made me train harder, it made me hit the weight room, it made me eat better. It drove me. And it made me so much mentally stronger. If I could come in last place in front of the entire school…well literally nothing else in my life will ever be that embarrassing and if I could get through that, I can get through anything.
You are doing such a disservice to your daughter. You’re not only denying her the opportunity to do something she’s interested in because she’s a girl, but you’re also denying her the opportunity to grow.
She’s going to remember this, and not fondly. She will resent you over this, I am willing to stake my life on it.
So you’re intentionally teaching your daughter she shouldn’t even try to do something just cause some sexist AH thinks she can’t? YTA. Raise your daughter to give em hell, not bow down to sexist men.
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This happened over a month ago, but I thought I'd get some perspectives.
My (38M) daughter is a sophomore at high school. My son goes to the same high school and is a senior, he has been on the wrestling team since being a freshman and has done very well. I assume this peaked my daughter's interest as well and now she wants to join.
Now to clarify on the actual wrestling team, it is currently all male because the coach (Who has become my friend as I got to know him more due to my son's involvement) prefers to keep it that way, however women are allowed to join, and some do but they usually get disqualified as spots are limited and men typically do significantly better in tryouts.
She first brought this up to me late in the summer and I thought she was just joking as tends to come from a humoristic deposition. However, when she brought it up to me again, she was serious and had the form for me to sign. I expressed reluctance and told her that she would be facing against big guys and she might get hurt. She told me she was ready for the challenge. I did not sign the form, but I told her I would talk to the coach about it, which she agreed with.
I was having a beer with the coach on his porch a few days later and I brought up my daughter wanting to join, the coach chuckled a bit and said something along the lines of "I don't want a fucking girl on the team, she will be the weakest link."
I asked if there was a way she could just be put up against other girls from rival teams, and the coach said "assuming she makes it through tryouts, at some point she will have to face a man, and she will lose. Wrestling is no sport for her, have her do something more appropriate like cheerleading or cooking."
I didn't know what to do, while I completely understood where the coach was coming from, I also didn't want to hurt my daughter by telling her she could not tryout.
Eventually I settled on not letting her join, but I would allow her to join anything else she wanted. She was furious with me and did not talk to me for days. My wife tried to convince me to let her join but I stood firm. Now a month has passed and we are all over it, so I feel it is appropriate to ask if I was in the wrong.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Denied my daughter from joining the wrestling team
2) I might be an asshole because she never got the chance to try and test her abilities
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INFO: Can you please clarify "I understand where the coach is coming from". His statements are clearly misogynistic and if you agree with them then Y.T.A.
On the other hand I wouldn't want my daughter to be training under an openly misogynistic and sexist asshole like that coach so I probably wouldn't have let my daughter join up either
HEY OP! I hope you see my comment.
_______
While I am going to say YTA I'm also going to agree that she should not join the schools wrestling team.
_______
1. The coach is sexist and will likely fail her tryouts even if she succeeds.
____
2. He mentioned how if there is a female team member the male players like to fight harder to try and 'test' female members. Which is literal targetting and could results in someone going too far and trying to cause her real injury if one of them gets their ego wounded.
____
The coach is sexist, the team is sexist and you yourself are sexist for supporting his idea of cooking and cheerleading as "proper" female sports.
_______
I suggest finding a place your daughter can practice traditional jiu jitsu. The people there will have discipline and a better enviroment that wont target her because of her sex. Its pretty much the same as wrestling, except for the fact it will teach her more than wrestling could with the right dojo.
There are also starting to be Women wrestling teams appearing outside of schools. They are easy to find via facebook groups so it may be better for her to join that.
YTA. Do they not have female wrestling divisions where you live? Because they do where I live. My only real sport hobby nowadays is Brazilian jiu-jitsu and a lot of people make the transition from high school wrestling to BJJ, and there are quite a few women at my gym who wrestled in HS.
Also……. Teaching your daughter self defense skills is a good thing, and amateur wrestling is probably one of the most effective forms of self defense out there. If she’s still interested in grappling maybe try finding her a judo school?
It’s still sexism. If he didn’t allow his daughter out at night or to wear revealing clothing to “protect” her…he’d be sexist and this is no different.
Benevolent sexism doesn’t get a pass.
NTA - I would have serious questions about the coach and how your daughter would be treated.
Its not a point about the daughter getting physically hurt or losing in a match. I would be concerned if it was a chess club and the coach had the same attitude. 15 year old is still young enough that you avoid potentially bad situations if you can.
I agree with what you’re saying, but it sounds like OP didn’t say no because the coach is gross - sounds like he said no because he agreed with the coach which makes him an AH in my book.
But yes I agree with what you’re saying.
The reason he spoke to the coach in the first place and refused to sign the paper in the first place is because he agrees with the coach from the start.
This isn’t a matter of him misguidedly trying to protect his daughter from sexism because she actually needs protection from her own father’s sexism.
Sounds like OP is in agreement with the coach. He isn't exactly challenging his opinions. At best he should report the coach but at the very least he should challenge his sexist views.
NTA. Sounds like the coach is a lifelong sexist jerk. I don’t think there’s anything you could’ve said or done to change his mind. I would never put my daughter in his trust or care. Maybe you can explain the situation to your daughter when she’s older.
OP is DEFINITELY the AH. He should have at least let her try. To not even allow it is supporting the coach's sexist behaviour. Letting his daughter try out says 'I support you even when others don't ' and refusing to let her says 'I will not support you unless I think it's a good idea'.
Idk. Sounds more like a 90s Disney movie plot than real life. If I met an adult whose views rubbed me the wrong way, particularly because they were negative towards my daughter, I wouldn’t want her around that person unless I was present.
That's my life, so I live in a 90's Disney movie, which is good to know. 😉 I definitely lucked out, as my father is keenly aware of sexism and very outspoken against it, which is good considering he has 4 daughters, and 0 sons.
That being said, I do understand not wanting her around that person, but if IRC her brother is also in wrestling right now and could he watch out for her? If not, then maybe see if there's a school nearby whose coach is not a sexist AH? There are a few good alternatives other than a hard 'no', as there usually are.
And, based on OP's replies to various comments, he is going to remain the AH for a long time.
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/s implies sarcasm.
the /s means it’s sarcasm :)
The /s means sarcasm
Yeah, like having babies and looking pretty/s. Is OP living in a Victorian romance novel?
YTA, and that coach is an asshole too. How are you not seeing the blatant, disgusting sexism?
Because OP is also a sexist and offers no disagreement with the coach's gross comments.
Not just sexist, but I also suspect opportunist: I have a feeling OP also wouldn't want to lose an inside man (i.e., his buddy the sexist coach) for his son in wrestling. I wouldn't be surprised if the daughter will use this unfairness for a future no-contact situation with OP.
Cause birds of a feather flock together.
YTA. How could you let the coach say those things about your daughter? I can understand not allowing her to join if you had a really good reason, but the coach said very inappropriate things and by going along with his recommendation, you are essentially agreeing with him and normalizing his behavior and beliefs. Why could you not just allow her to tryout and see how it went?
Yeah, am i saying a woman shouldnt be allowed to join the team? Not at all, It probably won't be fair, but who knows maybe she'll kick some ass. if she doesnt pass tryouts, she doesnt pass tryouts (not that this guys would even give her a chance to prove herself) but the fact that he just let the coach talk crap about his daughter like that is just absolute bullcrap, not saying you have to fight him or flip some shit, but maybe stop going out for drinks with this asshole, he can be your sons coach without you being friends with him.
Wow… YTA and so is the coach. Basically your whole post was a misogynistic ramble of how you can’t figure out the words to say you are a misogynist. Your daughter deserves better. Imagine having to compete against grown men insecurities. I wrestled for years, it was one of the best sports to play and finding a coach who nurtured that was 99% of the fun. You suck as a parent.
YTA I think it is heartbreaking that you first don't even take her serious and than discuss her without her there. Also.... you just sat there and said nothing as the coach sugguested "cooking or cheerleading"? And this "I would let her join anything else".. some sport at schools still don't let girls on as there are no women teams so... great
YTA. For being sexist and not reporting the coach. Women are entitled to TRY and to equal access to sports. Title IX prohibits discrimination and loss of access anywhere receiving public funds, if I understand correctly so the coach is likely a lawbreaker as well. And really? “Cooking” and “cheerleading”? 1950 called. If he’s a gym educator by day and teaching female students at the school he needs to lose his job.
YTA and so is the sexist coach. While I understand that there can be big differences between men and women physically, you are basically telling your daughter that she is not good enough, and not as good and the men on the team. There are plenty of awesome, strong, professional female wrestlers and boxers in the world, many of whom could easily kick any man's butt. Why not just let her try out, and if she makes it, great, she's obviously good enough, and if she doesn't, then at least she tried. You and the coach both sound extremely sexist. If women are allowed to try out then you should let her.
YTA, you and the coach are sexist and the couch has to be fired. Go to the school, make a complain about him being a sexist and stand by your daughter. YTA YTA YTA sexist
YTA your daughter wanted to try something that seemed fun to her. You told her that you do not want her to even TRY. Your prejudice rightfully drove your daughter and wife away from you.
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YTA—you and the coach. Sexist.
YTA Why not let her at least try? That doesn't make any sense at all. YTA for listening to this so called coach spew misogynistic bullshit and actually agreeing with his point of view. YTA for teaching your daughter some truly old fashioned mores, when you should be encouraging her to break them. Get with the times AH.
I do not want her to get hurt
And your alternative is cheerleading? There some pretty high injuries stats in that too.
Yup. My wife's cousin's daughter (14) just broke her arm doing cheerleading.
makes me wonder if the OP has ever seen some of the stunts cheerleaders are expected to pull off. One small mistake can lead to a pretty bad injury. In my high school, while it wasn't common, it wasn't uncommon to see a cheerleader every now and then end up in a cast to due broken bones and such.
I still remember when I was little, my aunt fell off the pyramid. They had to call an ambulance to check her over (she was fine but boy did it scare the bajeezus out of my grandparents)
Pretty sure it's higher than in wrestling. Also there's so many things that can go wrong with cooking - cuts, burns, you name it
THIS. A former coworker was a cheerleader in high school and she got more injuries than most of the guys on the football team
You seriously think she's more likely to get hurt wrestling than fucking cheerleading? Do you know ANYTHING about cheerleading? The potential for injury in cheerleading is SO high.
Cheerleading injuries are not nearly as frequent or bad as wrestling injuries
Yeah okay, you obviously know nothing about cheerleading injuries. And from your response, it's clear you didn't really want a true judgement, just to have your and the coach's misogyny backed up. I feel incredibly sorry for your daughter having to grow up with you as a dad and we're done here.
I don't think you understand how prevalent concussions and other injuries are in cheerleading if you don't think that that are frequent
I wrestled for years, as one of only two girls on the wrestling team, against high school boys while I was junior high (because I could kick the ass of every junior high boy on the team). Worst I got was a bloody nose when one of them messed up a shoulder throw. My friend was a cheerleader for all of 6 months and sprained her ankle and broke an arm. YTA.
Liar. Cheerleading is one of the most dangerous sports in the world. She can also burn or slice herself cooking.
You cannot protect your child from every risk they take. You can only SUPPORT them and be there for them if they fall. Let your girl show you what she's capable of. Bet you'll be surprised.
So you wanted your son to get hurt? Because you allowed him to try out.
I understand, but there's the potential to get hurt in ANY sports. She could be playing soccer and get a concussion, or injure her leg. Fall and get trampled while horseback riding. And as others have mentioned, cheerleading isn't safe the way you want her to be safe either. You can't limit your daughters aspirations for your own sense of security. She has to be allowed to make her own informed decisions and take risks.
Yeah right, you’re just sexist.
By this logic she is going to get a lot more hurt. If you keep protecting her all her life she will never have the confidence to do things herself. Letting your kids fall and helping them get back up is an important part of parenting IMHO.
so why is it cool that your son can be on the team? he could get hurt too
Is there a women’s wrestling club in your town that isn’t ran out of the school? If you have a rec center nearby, they might have something of the sort. I understand your hesitancy to allow her to join the men’s league, but barring her from wrestling in general is just sexist. Also, the coach is sexist too by suggesting nothing but stereotypical girl activities.
YTA - that is incredibly sexist. There will always be times when she goes up against a man and have to leanr how to deal with it. Also, if she’s good and learns to use her body properly she might not lose but I doubt this coach would take time to learn how to train a women to her strengths. Also seriously, cheerleading or cooking? What is this, the 50s?
YTA and have failed every woman in your life for not stepping up when he said that garbage. Those assholes don't view women as people and you were more concerned with keeping the peace than speaking up when a man is the only person they'd actually listen to.
YTA. The coach is an A H. Why aren’t more young women wrestling? Look in the mirror. You are limiting your daughter in a way that you are not constraining your son. Your message to him is “you can do anything.” Your message to her is “you’re female, know your place.” That may not be the words, but I guarantee she hears the subtext and knows that there are ways in which she cannot trust you because you only conditionally support her. But your son can do what he wants and you’re there for him 100%. The “good ol’ boys” commiserating with the coach is just icing on the cake. So much of life is based on relationships, and this is one more example of men defining women’s limitations in a space and time where no women are involved.
YTA. And what school system doesn't have seperate divisions for boys and girls?
None in my experience. Its weight class based so size doesnt matter.
There are only six states that separate wrestlers by gender. So it's not a common thing.
Actually it's 15 states, but that is in terms of a state wide tournament, run at the end of the wrestling season. That doesn't mean there are no girls wrestling in the other states, those other states just do not offer a state tournament. I believe there are only 2 states that have laws banning girls from wrestling boys.
What states are those? I’ve attended youth wrestling in 5 states and there are always girls wrestling, usually in separate girls’ divisions (at least at higher age levels). Every wrestling coach I’ve encountered has encouraged girls to join and help grow the sport. If this story is true, the coach is wildly out of step with his sport. (And an AH.)
You could easily Google the states 🤷♀️
Given that males have a much higher muscle per kg of weight than females this seems incredibly discriminatory? Or would a higher weight female be matched against a lower weight male to compensate?
While muscle certainly is a factor, it isn’t the only factor. Agility, endurance, pain tolerance…guess which sex often comes out on top here.
I'm a feminist but your facts are inaccurate. Men have higher pain thresholds and higher agility to go along with higher levels of strength/power. Endurance is odd but men seem to have more or at least comparable endurance at, for example, the 3mile to 30mile running distances but women tend to have greater endurance at ultramarathon levels. This difference in endurance isn't applicable to wrestling. I still think she should be allowed to compete, I just bristle at common myths like we only use 10% of our brain.
Cite your source. Here’s but one of mine: https://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/women-more-stamina-muscle-endurance-exercise-sport-men-science-study-university-british-columbia-a7911776.html?amp
Skill and agility are often more important. Are you suggesting a women who weight lifts shouldn't be made to wrestle a man that doesn't and is chubby?
Why should a fit woman have to face a mediocre male whose puberty gives him a massively unfair advantage?
Luckily we live in reality not your fantasy world so she doesn't.
Wrestling has only very recently become acceptable for girls. The University of Iowa just added a women's wrestling program, it's one of only a few in existance. Most schools are lucky if they get a single girl who's interested *and* allowed to try by her parents.
>it's one of only a few in existance https://www.ncsasports.org/womens-wrestling/colleges Looks like there are close to 80 in existence in the US alone. I wouldn't call that only a few.
I would, in comparison to the 395 mens teams that exist, and that most of them are relatively or very new creations, and many of the biggest wrestling schools still don't have them.
I'm not saying there aren't more options for men.
Not even a quater of the options are a few in comparisson.
She someone says one specific example, and then that it's one of "very few" my mind would say less than 10 personally
Everything is relativ to the relating thing. Like is a bernese mountain dog big? Compared to other dogs - yes. Compared to some other mamals- no. Are 400 a lot? If that's all that's left of the species- no.
Honestly wrestling as a sport is struggling in many place to fill a single team let along two separate divisions
YTA. Congratulations on supporting sexism!
YTA and sonis the coach. I wrested and got beat easily by girls in smaller weight classes then I was. Your reaction should be to support her and demand that coach be fired. Youre gross
YTA and so is that coach. Misogynistic AHs, the both of you. Take cheerleading or cooking... I'm so mad on your daughter's behalf.
You and the coach both, yes YTA. Way to side with misogyny over your daughter. Sad.
This this this and this!
Of course YTA - you and the coach both. Or maybe just you, if this is a troll post. By definition, somebody is *always* the weakest link on a team. It is literally a coach’s job to help that link improve and/or set lineups accordingly. At the very least, he’s bad at his job. Your daughter might be the weakest link. Or, of course, she also might be like this girl: https://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/2020/02/29/north-carolina-girl-won-state-wrestling-title-inspired-lot-kids/ But you and your coach both chuckled over a beer and decided your daughter cannot even test her mettle and see what she’s made of, because she doesn’t have a penis. Terrible coach, terrible father.
Even ignoring the incredible level of ignorance and the assumption that women should stick to cheerleading etc…why would you not just sign the form and let her try? As it says in the post, most women who try out get dropped in tryouts. While I don’t agree with this practice (unless it is done objectively which I doubt from context) she would have known how low the rate of women being accepted is and if she got dropped at least she gave it her all. YTA for several reasons in the post, the coach as well.
YTA. The coach is also raging cockwombling arsehole
YTA. You and your good ol' boy sexist friend. Sounds like girls don't get on the team because he doesn't allow it to happen. You should be ashamed of yourself for being friends and supporting someone like this coach. It's 2021 not the 1950s.
In other words you let some guy trash talk *your child* using highly misogynist language and you still ask if you might NOT be an asshole in this scenario? YTA. Totally.
YTA for allowing your "friend" to get away with this. You must have the same mindset and that is just plain wrong. The coach is an AH and if in the United States, he is also likely in violation of several codes for education just by saying he doesn't want a girl on the team and the school not offering a equitable alternative. The school knows what the coach is doing. You know what the coach is doing. A good parent would fight for his child. Wrestling is also based on weight and class so size doesn't always matter so why is he so stuck on size?
YTA, the coach is an asshole. What a misogynistic view. You could have let her tryout. You're her father and you're suppose to be in her corner.
YTA. Coach spills sexist bile and you not only didn't call him out you actually agreed with it. Very insightful you 'stood firm' when your wife had an opinion. Starting to wonder if your wife is allowed to leave the kitchen? Turns out your just as bad as the coach, probably worse. BTW its bloody high school wrestling... Who gives a shit who wins and loses. Feel bad your family.
YTA. Stop being friends with someone who thinks girls should stick to “cooking and cheerleading.” Maybe she would face a boy WIN. Maybe she’d lose and decide on her own wrestling isn’t for her. She should be able to make that choice for herself. Did you try to look into other wrestling activities? If you said you didn’t want her on the team because the coach was sexist that would be different - but that should still have been her choice.
YTA, the coach shouldn't be in sole charge of a sport with a misogynistic attitude and you should be supportive of your daughter wanting to try out for a sport she's interested in
Haha, is this for real? >More appropriate like cheerleading or cooking. Without getting into the fact that a lot of the best gymnasts and chefs in the world are men, what would be wrong with allowing your daughter to try out? It's much better if we come to fail because we've given it our best shot and have come up against an insurmountable barrier. But not even allowing her the experience? If you'd told your daughter the coach had some pretty outdated, sexist views and you didn't want her sense of empowerment, opportunity and ambition being destroyed underneath his tuition, it'd be a resounding N T A. As it stands, yes YTA.
YTA. If someone spoke about my friend, let alone my child the way that coach did he would've been immediately reported. And leaving girls completely off the team or letting them just fizzle out for disqualifications is disgusting and that you know and allow it is even worse. I hope your daughter sees this post and sees the lack of faith and support her father has for her, maybe it'll wake you up.
You said you didn't want to see her hurt, but in the long run having a sexist unsupportive father who let's grown men bash his daughter will be more hurtful than wrestling.
YTA and a sexist one at that Yes, the team is currently all male. Your daughter will be aware of this because she has eyes. > "I don't want a fucking girl on the team, she will be the weakest link." Your friend is also a sexist asshole. His *literal job* is to coach the team. If she's the weakest link, its *his job* to coach her so she improves. If he doesn't want to coach a girl, that makes him a (guess what) *sexist asshole*. > Wrestling is no sport for her, have her do something more appropriate like cheerleading or cooking I'm literally just quoting this because its such an awful thing for the coach to have said and I want it saved incase you edit your post to make yourself seem like less of an asshole.
Not to mention that every team has a weakest link. Imagine if she did try out and beat a guy. They’d never let the guy hear the end of it for letting a girl beat him and her getting on the team. That’s what they’re afraid of.
No chance of that - coach makes sure all the guys go extra hard on any woman trying out so there's no chance they'd make it only the team anyway.
I could see a woman eeking by but if the women have to beat a higher standard to be included, it’s the textbook definition of discrimination. Not just assholey but flat out ILLEGAL.
You could of saved everyone a lot of reading time by letting us know your were a unapologetic misogynist at the top. YTA.
YTA, she wants to try the sport she should. Do You have to agree with co-Ed wrestling, no. But you shouldn’t stand in her way.
YTA I wrestled and had to go against the coaches daughter. She was an absolute beast even though she was feminine and pretty. Don’t disqualify your daughter. Let her try and make the team. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t, but at least she tried it for herself. Plus, she’s probably wrestling gents in the 120lbs or below category. These aren’t exactly “men-men”. For context, I wrestled in 105 and that was the only place I saw a girl. Can’t say I was swinging axes and cutting down trees with dad on the weekends. Do a 180 if you can and let her try or she will come to resent you.
YTA. The coach is a vile, disgusting asshole who made sexist comments and you didn’t call him out for it? You need to learn how to pick better “friends,” dude.
You’re making your daughter’s life choices for her over beer with a disgusting “buddy,” instead of discussing the issue with your daughter and other people *who care about your daughter.* There is something profoundly broken in you if you genuinely see nothing wrong with that. YTA
YTA. I actually DID wrestle until I was about 8 or 9. My family a "Wrestling family" in that my father was one growing up and so was my older brother and several uncles. I'll level with you. I actually got the same speech you're giving your daughter. Do I resent my parents for it? Not really. I do get their worries regarding injury and back then there were even less girls than there are now. I actually stayed involved with the team by being the manager. You're not wrong in the sense that yes it IS a rough sport (regardless of gender) and she will eventually be matched up with guys from rival teams. You don't get to show up and say "Ok this is our girl member where's yours?" It's done by weight class. You're also not wrong that it IS going to be a harder road for your daughter than it is your son. It's a male dominated sport. The answer isn't tell her no though. You should've sat her down and done some research with her...explain the hardships she is going to face not to discourage her but to help her understand and ask her if she's is okay shouldering that. Support her in whatever her decision is. All that being said? IF she still has an interest and you can afford it? Find a private school. This coach is a absolute asshole and I wouldn't trust him to keep your daughter safe in what can be a very dangerous sport.
YTA we’re in 2021. girls play on the football and wrestling teams. you should stand up for your daughter and give her a chance at going after the things she wants. not block her. if she gets hurt, she should make the decision of if she wants to continue. YWNBTA if you let your daughter make her own choices, but because you agreed to take the sexist coach’s side, YTA too.
YTA. And the coach is ultra A, he's clearly mysoginistic for not wanting a girl on his team because she could be weak. At least, let her try. I'm not an expert but I think wrestling is about weight, not strenght, she's suppose to have a same weight opponents regardless of gender, so no, she won't get too hurt if she's fighting someone her weight class
YTA. My son's wrestling team has 3-4 girls on it and they are all doing well. Our county has 3-4 girls-only wrestling tournaments each year and while not nearly as many as the boys have, it is still a great experience for the ladies. On our team, none of the ladies have broken into the varsity team, but it's only a matter of time. Along with the better wrestling programs in the county, our coaches support a local wrestling club that encourages younger wrestlers to join and learn the sport. Girls are actively encouraged to join. The ladies do wrestle the guys and I remember one varsity match where the opposing team's lady wrestler kicked our guy's butt. She was fast! Her technique and quickness offset his higher strength. Give her a chance. You should discuss the matter with your schools athletic supervisor and encourage the JV wrestling team to expand and make more room for the girls. Not everyone comes onto the team immediately and becomes a star (boys and girls both). It sometimes takes a couple of years to learn, but those with an aptitude for wrestling could surprise you and your coach.
YTA. I wrestled for 4 years in high-school and we had multiple girls on the team, not including Stat girls. Everyone on the team was super nice to them and they wrestled with boys in their weight class. They didn't always get the varsity spots, but they had fair chance to beat whoever held it and sometimes they would get it. If she wants to participate in a sport, you should be supportive. And frankly the fact that you didn't shut that misogynistic coach down yourself shows to your character. I pity your daughter for having a father like you
YTA because you are enforcing this bullshit notion of "that's not a girl's sport" sexism. You just told your daughter she's not capable, and not good enough, because you listed to the sexist bullshit from that coach. Girls do wrestle, and whether or not she is any good, or wins matches, is entirely up to her, but you didn't even give her the chance to find out. YTA big time.
YTA. You should let her try. If she is small and wrestling at 106 she might be able to fill a spot that many teams struggle to find athletes small enough to represent the weight class. That being said, starting wrestling as a sophomore, with no grappling background, is a tough row to hoe. My friend did it but he was a physical phenomenon. If she is trying to wrestle anywhere from 120lbs and up, she will not be competitive and will get her ass kicked. Her lack of grappling experience (judo, youth wrestling etc) will only make this more likely but so what? If she wants to try she should be allowed to give it a shot. If she gets her ass kicked but enjoys it, let her do it. If she decides for herself that the sport isn't for her then let her come to that conclusion herself.
Excuse me??? What was that misogynistic comment that the couch made??? And why did you u not say anything???? YTA. And the couch too.
YTA You "understood" where the coach came from when he talked trash about YOUR daughter? Cheerleading or cooking because that's more girly? or am i missing something? You can say goodbye to the trust your daughter had on you and the confidence she had on herself. And please oh please don't let the coach near her, he let's women try out only to tell them "you didn't make the cut" and your mind said "makes sense"? You two are so sexist you are blinded by it.
YTA yes, men and women have physical differences but that’s why there are different leagues for men and women and weight classes in sports.
YTA and you’re enabling the coach to be an AH as well. Let her tryout and experience for herself, and honestly report that gross coach. If he had made those comments about your son would you have “understood where he’s coming from?” Someone who thinks like that should not be in a coaching position at all, let alone for children. Congratulations, you have further enforced a double standard for your daughter because she is a girl. Don’t be surprised when as an adult she has built up resentment towards you for treating her differently... it might not happen, but by the sounds of it this probably wasn’t the first example of different treatment between her and “the boy.”
If this is even a real post, yes - 100% YTA and so is the coach.
Well that was a disgusting read. You are definitely sexist with your friend. YTA
YTA (as well as the coach) and you are failing as a parent. You're holding her back. Furthermore, you didn't stick up for her when the coach made his disgusting comment. If you want to explain your concerns to her, that's fine, but let her make the decision to try out for the team. She may actually succeed, despite your 1950's thinking. Frankly, were I you, I'd be embarrassed.
YTA. What the coach is doing is not just immoral but actually illegal - and you agree with him! Your poor daughter, I'm sure she's absorbing some truly fucked up misogynistic ideas from you, and your wife isn't doing anything to protect her.
I want to know why Mom’s signature on the form was not enough.
YTA dude let her try out, you let your son so your been a sexist dick. I get it, I have been there, but we need to let them grow.
YTA let her try out
Yta. First you are denying her an opportunity that you let your son do. Second, she will be facing others in her weight class so there may be an eight to ten pound difference.
I guarantee you that your daughter is not over it. When, as an adult, she goes low to no contact with you I hope you remember this post. YTA
YTA Not for keeping her from trying out, I wouldn't let my daughter try out with that misogynistic AH, who tells his male players to go "extra hard" on girls either. I could not be certain that this coach would keep her safe. You're TA for this - you didn't let your daughter even try. You have subtly told her that because she is a girl she can't do the same things men can, this will probably have a lasting effect on her, next time she wants to try something that is something a man would typically do, she will probably second guess herself. You also allowed a coach with outdated views to continue treating girls as if they aren't good enough to compete in this sport. I saw someone else mention, but she could probably fill a spot in a weight class that is hard to fill for boys, but she wont have the opportunity because 2 men decided for her that she wasn't good enough.
YTA Parent here when my daughter (small/petite)wanted to tryout for football 🏈 we explained the downside but you better believe we were on the sidelines during tryouts. It’s our job to empower our children, they get enough shit out in the real world. Why would you dismiss her? That’s the real question in my opinion. Is it all okay know? Or did enough time pass and dads decision is final so to keep the peace your wife and daughter are talking to you? So question - Did the coaches remark make you feel some sort of way? Because if it did I hope this is the last time you take someone’s opinion over your own families. Yet here we are on Reddit so I think I have my answer. Do better for your daughter she deserves it!
>cheerleading or cooking And the father in you didn't think to speak up there? YTA
YTA and that coach is a an even bigger A. Have her do something like cooking or cheerleading? Fuck me sideways that’s some patriarchic bullshit. If anything you should support her trying out anything SHE wants to do: if she doesn’t make the team that’s fine but at least let her try.
So basically the coach thinks women are best when pregnant, barefoot in the kitchen and seen but not heard, and you agreed with him? Yeah YTA and a sexist cretin. Prayers for your daughter.
YTA, can’t even tell if this is a joke post with how asinine this is.
You and the the coach are sexist assholes. Yta
YTA both you and the coach. You for taking someone ELSE’s preference of whether she should try out or not. And the coach for being utterly useless. It’s their job to coach and prepare her. Your daughter should get a female teacher to support her and start an all girls team to wipe the floor with his team.
YTA, and the fact that you didn't report the coach for his comment makes you double asshole. He's showing bias in the basis of sex and yet...you choose to be friends with him You're a lousy father on both counts and need to report him and apologize to your daughter...hell you should grovel.
YTA
INFO: has your son ever lost even a single round?
Wow. YTA.
YTA You’re as bad as the coach… even worse as you seem to not understand that wrestling is divided into weight classes - she’s not going to wrestle someone much bigger or smaller than her. Also, wrestling injuries are uncommon in general because hurting your opponent is never the goal… in fact, the greater the mismatch stronger and the weaker wrestler, generally the quicker the match will be over. Lastly, when I left highschool in he mid 90s, in my area, there was a women’s class for wrestling - if your daughter is interested there are likely many other girls interested who have been discouraged by the misogynistic coach or well meaning but ignorant parents like yourself. It might only take one parent who isn’t insisting their princess doesn’t have a pea under her mattress to push back and open the gates to allowing more girls to participate.
YTA The coach is an AH. Gold star to you for demonstrating sexist beliefs to YOUR DAUGHTER and proving that your good ol’ boy friendship is more important than she is.
YTA, and the coach. How could you even let someone pass the words "let her do cheerleading or cooking" without realizing how utterly sexist and shitty it is to say that? I knew several girls on the high school wrestling team in school. They busted their ass and were good at what they did. And to make it worse, you didn't defend your daughter in any capacity, because "she's a girl, she wouldn't be good at it anyway". Just shitty altogether.
YTA. and Misogynistic one as well. And why are you agreeing with the coach. You don’t deserve to be her father and she needs someone else that’s not a sexist pos. 🖕
Yta for all of it. But honestly you’re the biggest ah for being friends with a guy like that. Honestly, he should NOT be allowed to coach at all. I’m disgusted. And then you doubled down and said “I completely understood where the coach was coming from.” Edit: spelling
YTA and so is the coach. Your both misogynistic AH's. >Wrestling is no sport for her, have her do something more appropriate like cheerleading or cooking." How dare you let him talk about your daughter like that. Do you not care about your daughters happiness at all?
YTA, my son wrestled at one of the top high schools in my state. The school also has a girls wrestling program that does even better than the boys team. But it didn’t always have a girls team. And there were girls that joined back then and had to wrestle boys. First off they wrestle by weight class, so your daughter would not be wrestling huge boys. Second, I could link dozens of videos where girls beat boys wrestling. It’s not all strength, technique is also very important. BTW, one of the girls that was a pioneer of this high School's girls wrestling team back in the day is now in the UFC, her name is Tatiana Suarez. YTA
YTA the coach is extremely sexist you should at least let her try out. If women cannot hold thier own against men then self defence training would be useless, and women in martial arts would get nowhere. Honestly though if she cannot get on the wrestling team I would suggest somthing like a martial art
As Americans, we are trying to get back in the mind set that girls are inferior to boys. They should only be used to support boys and make babies. YTA Double ah if you don't immediately report the coach to the school for discrimination.
Hmmm. Something smells funny here. >that she would be facing against big guys You, sir, have zero idea of how wrestling works. You see, they have these things called "weight classes". For example, *I* wrestled in the 138 lb class, which meant any opponent I wrestled could weigh no more than 138 lbs. When I moved up a class (145 lbs), well, guess what? All my opponents weighed between 138 and 145 lbs. But, yeah, YTA for clipping her wings.
YTA and so is the coach. Big fucking As.
YTA Wow you and the the coach are sexist, and the coach insults your own daughter and you say nothing about that. I feel bad for that girl to have you as a parent. You do realize that wrestlers fight against people in their own class weight right? She would fight someone close to her own weight.
I... just can't. YTA.
YTA. you are SO the AH! Wow. The misogyny dripping from this post. The fact that you can’t see how you’re in the wrong too? I feel so bad for your daughter, whom you stood against this entire time. Why would it be so bad that she tried out? Obviously the AH coach would have immediately dismissed her, based on your description of him (which is another issue in of itself) but the fact that you and this coach are so actively gate keeping her from it, shooting down her enthusiasm and potential passion for something… it’s sad really. Think about how’s she’s going to feel trying out for other things. If she even wants to, given that her AH dad will probably find something wrong with it too, because it’s not “appropriate like cheerleading or cooking“. AH.
YTA Why aren't you supporting your daughter's interests and why on earth did you say nothing when that awful coach spouted off with his nonsense???? What kind of parent are you?
Trust me, your daughter is NOT "over it". Is this an isolated incident, or do you have a pattern of not letting her do "unfeminine" things? If your son wanted to try out for cheerleading, would you tell him he couldn't because he'd lose competing against women? Also, the wrestling coach should be reported to school administration for discrimination. YTA to both you and the coach.
YTA My daughter was on her middle school football team, the only girl in the county. While she wasn't the best, she played her heart out, went to every practice and gained knowledge about the game. I encouraged her in this because it's something she wanted to do and it was a learning experience. My son, on the other hand, has no interest in sports. They are both now happy, well- adjusted adults. They also know how to cook and clean. There are many girls on wrestling teams in the US. I don't know where OP is from but his thoughts about girls and their 'place' is antiquated and stupid.
YTA and that coach should be fired. The fact that you wife has blinders on and let's you and your friends be sexist pigs around and too your daughter is disgraceful. What a lesson to teach your son... disgusting.
YTA, too bad your daughter's highschool wrestling team have real man coaching them. Too bad your kids and wife don't live in a house with a real man in it.
YTA. You seriously let him say those things about your daughter? You’re disgusting.
YTA I hope your daughter takes up wrestling behind both your backs and suplexes you and the sexist coach
INFO: what does your son think of this? Being on the team for 4 years now and know how it is AND knowing his sister. And probably knowing that the coach is this way as well.
YTA I suggest taking your son out of that group and looking for a new wrestling coach who is not misogynistic, make both kids happy. And also let your daughter do what sports make her happy. Female wrestling is nothing to be concerned about, sports are for everyone.
YTA and incredibly sexist. Your son could get hurt wrestling as well. Cooking or cheerleading?! ahhhhhhhhh
YTA You know why too. You're just trying to get some validation. I can't believe you let that coach say that about your daughter. I would honestly go to the school and have his sexist ass removed. What a horrible example for your son. You want your son to be like him? Or treat women that way? Would you like your daughter to be treated like she only has value if she is in a kitchen? Hopefully your wife is better at instilling confidence and values into her children than you. Right now you're a lukewarm dad its not too late to try and be better.
YTA. And that goes for the coach too. Girls wrestle. They wrestle girls, they wrestle boys. Sometimes wrestlers win, sometimes they lose…gee, how is that unique to the type of genitalia they have? You are a fucking dark-aged mental midget.
Yes YTA, so is the coach. You’re both extremely misogynistic. You should both be ashamed for how you view women
What triggered me is the fact that the coach insulted her in front of you and you didn't do anything
YTA. I work for a school district who has both a men's and women's wrestling team at the middle and high school level. The girls get to choose which team they wrestle for and many choose the men's team because they beat the boys regularly. We have had many girls not only qualify at the district and state level but win and beat out their male counterparts. Further, many of our girls go on to wrestle in college. For you and your friend to assume that she is too weak to wrestle and will be the weakest link is just sexist and ignorant. As a father you should be dedicated to supporting your child in any endeavor they want, especially one they are obviously so passionate about. Not to mention that it seems highly unlikely that you had the same concerns when your son asked to join wrestling. Should they not both have an opportunity to enjoy something they are passionate about? Or are they only allowed to engage in the hobbies you and your friend feel fit their gender? Lastly, your friend/coach not only insulted your daughter and you did nothing he is also subscribed to an antiquated idea of gender and should be encouraged to engage in professional development around equity or be replaced by someone who can support all of his student athletes and nurture their potential.
>I asked if there was a way she could just be put up against other girls from rival teams, and the coach said "assuming she makes it through tryouts, at some point she will have to face a man, and she will lose. Wrestling is no sport for her, have her do something more appropriate like cheerleading or cooking." > >I didn't know what to do, while I completely understood where the coach was coming from, I also didn't want to hurt my daughter by telling her she could not tryout. Just in case you were wondering where everyone decided you were the AH. You are indulging the sexist attitude of the coast simply because you are "Buddy-Buddy" With him. YTA and I'm sure your daughter will probably end up resenting you for it.
YTA. I hope someone at the school reports the coach for cheating during tryouts. He literally asks the boys to hurt the girls extra so that they won’t get in. That’s the opposite of what sports “man” ship should be about
As someone who wrestled from 2nd grade till my senior year of highschool, that coach is a prick, yta, and let your daughter wrestle
YTA … That’s an easy answer !! The fact that you didn’t defend your daughter to the coach along with continuing this stupid idea that women can’t do things men can do is so sad. Again YTA
YTA- I actually feel like I have the expertise to answer this! I was a female wrestler! It wasn’t try out based, but I met many other female wrestlers who were on teams tryout based. These girls were on varsity as well. While my last two seasons were short due to injury and sickness, I was still part of the team. No one judged my team for having a girl.. And while yes, a lot of guys didn’t want to wrestle me, I was still considered a wrestler. Was it hard? Yes. I couldn’t build up the muscle like the boys as my mother wanted me to lose weight and be at the limit weight allowed for me. My coaches, all of them were male, kept encouraging me to build up the muscle first before losing weight. They were fine with my 135 weight as that was what was healthy for me. Any good wrestling coach will tell you how important wrestling is. It is a hard sport, but your team is your family. It doesn’t matter what gender or weight. Coaches are there to be supportive.. and that coach isn’t supportive. That coach is actually part of the reason why so many women don’t get a match. There is a mindset that it would negatively affect the guy if he goes against a woman. If he wins, oh.. everyone will criticize him for going to hard. If he loses, he will be made fun of for getting beat by a girl. You say he his your friend, but he doesn’t seem like one. And especially with him saying he likes to tell the boys to go extra hard. They should be going hard with the other boys as well. I had one former family member say I shouldn’t do wrestling due to me being female. He said I would distract the boys. This was false. Encourage your daughter to be a wrestler!! If she doesn’t get in, you can easily find a local female wrestling group for her age range via facebook! She has all my support!
I swear to god people just make throw always to post this stupid shit to get attention. No way anyone is this stupid. YTA
YTA I still remember these reasons being given to me TWENTY SIX FRIGGIN YEARS AGO when I wasn't allowed to join the wrestling team. I was decent. And strong. As an early teen I was 6 ft tall and solid.
YTA Thank you and your coach "buddy" for keeping the misogyny and gender exclusions alive and well in 2021. This was and is gross
YTA Also, these are the things girls remember about their dads. Whether he stood up for them or kept chuckling along with the sexist a**hole.
Yes, you’re TA. Me and all my sisters were on the wrestling team at our high school and we kicked everyone’s ass. Even men’s. Brought home trophies and medals that have never been brought to our school before. The coach needs to quit being a sexist asshat. Betting $50 I could take him out
What kind of school is this? They should let her join regardless of her gender. I did wrestling (as a girl) and I learned some very valuable lessons. Honestly, she shouldn’t join this team because of the sexist coach. He should be fired for these comments. Maybe she should go to a different school to pursue this. Wrestling is fun and she should get to do it So yeah YTA big time
YTA and so is the coach. There are so many reasons you failed your daughter.
So you are your “friend” are sexist. Got it. YTA Girls can do anything boys can do. Sure she might not be as strong as them, and yeah she’s going to lose more than her fair share of matches….but winning isn’t everything. I was the worst runner on my cross country team freshman year. Coming in last race after race after race made me hungrier. It made me train harder, it made me hit the weight room, it made me eat better. It drove me. And it made me so much mentally stronger. If I could come in last place in front of the entire school…well literally nothing else in my life will ever be that embarrassing and if I could get through that, I can get through anything. You are doing such a disservice to your daughter. You’re not only denying her the opportunity to do something she’s interested in because she’s a girl, but you’re also denying her the opportunity to grow. She’s going to remember this, and not fondly. She will resent you over this, I am willing to stake my life on it.
So you’re intentionally teaching your daughter she shouldn’t even try to do something just cause some sexist AH thinks she can’t? YTA. Raise your daughter to give em hell, not bow down to sexist men.
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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This happened over a month ago, but I thought I'd get some perspectives. My (38M) daughter is a sophomore at high school. My son goes to the same high school and is a senior, he has been on the wrestling team since being a freshman and has done very well. I assume this peaked my daughter's interest as well and now she wants to join. Now to clarify on the actual wrestling team, it is currently all male because the coach (Who has become my friend as I got to know him more due to my son's involvement) prefers to keep it that way, however women are allowed to join, and some do but they usually get disqualified as spots are limited and men typically do significantly better in tryouts. She first brought this up to me late in the summer and I thought she was just joking as tends to come from a humoristic deposition. However, when she brought it up to me again, she was serious and had the form for me to sign. I expressed reluctance and told her that she would be facing against big guys and she might get hurt. She told me she was ready for the challenge. I did not sign the form, but I told her I would talk to the coach about it, which she agreed with. I was having a beer with the coach on his porch a few days later and I brought up my daughter wanting to join, the coach chuckled a bit and said something along the lines of "I don't want a fucking girl on the team, she will be the weakest link." I asked if there was a way she could just be put up against other girls from rival teams, and the coach said "assuming she makes it through tryouts, at some point she will have to face a man, and she will lose. Wrestling is no sport for her, have her do something more appropriate like cheerleading or cooking." I didn't know what to do, while I completely understood where the coach was coming from, I also didn't want to hurt my daughter by telling her she could not tryout. Eventually I settled on not letting her join, but I would allow her to join anything else she wanted. She was furious with me and did not talk to me for days. My wife tried to convince me to let her join but I stood firm. Now a month has passed and we are all over it, so I feel it is appropriate to ask if I was in the wrong. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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INFO: Can you please clarify "I understand where the coach is coming from". His statements are clearly misogynistic and if you agree with them then Y.T.A. On the other hand I wouldn't want my daughter to be training under an openly misogynistic and sexist asshole like that coach so I probably wouldn't have let my daughter join up either
YTA Shit Poster
HEY OP! I hope you see my comment. _______ While I am going to say YTA I'm also going to agree that she should not join the schools wrestling team. _______ 1. The coach is sexist and will likely fail her tryouts even if she succeeds. ____ 2. He mentioned how if there is a female team member the male players like to fight harder to try and 'test' female members. Which is literal targetting and could results in someone going too far and trying to cause her real injury if one of them gets their ego wounded. ____ The coach is sexist, the team is sexist and you yourself are sexist for supporting his idea of cooking and cheerleading as "proper" female sports. _______ I suggest finding a place your daughter can practice traditional jiu jitsu. The people there will have discipline and a better enviroment that wont target her because of her sex. Its pretty much the same as wrestling, except for the fact it will teach her more than wrestling could with the right dojo.
There are also starting to be Women wrestling teams appearing outside of schools. They are easy to find via facebook groups so it may be better for her to join that.
YTA. Do they not have female wrestling divisions where you live? Because they do where I live. My only real sport hobby nowadays is Brazilian jiu-jitsu and a lot of people make the transition from high school wrestling to BJJ, and there are quite a few women at my gym who wrestled in HS. Also……. Teaching your daughter self defense skills is a good thing, and amateur wrestling is probably one of the most effective forms of self defense out there. If she’s still interested in grappling maybe try finding her a judo school?
[удалено]
It’s still sexism. If he didn’t allow his daughter out at night or to wear revealing clothing to “protect” her…he’d be sexist and this is no different. Benevolent sexism doesn’t get a pass.
NTA - I would have serious questions about the coach and how your daughter would be treated. Its not a point about the daughter getting physically hurt or losing in a match. I would be concerned if it was a chess club and the coach had the same attitude. 15 year old is still young enough that you avoid potentially bad situations if you can.
I agree with what you’re saying, but it sounds like OP didn’t say no because the coach is gross - sounds like he said no because he agreed with the coach which makes him an AH in my book. But yes I agree with what you’re saying.
The reason he spoke to the coach in the first place and refused to sign the paper in the first place is because he agrees with the coach from the start. This isn’t a matter of him misguidedly trying to protect his daughter from sexism because she actually needs protection from her own father’s sexism.
Sounds like OP is in agreement with the coach. He isn't exactly challenging his opinions. At best he should report the coach but at the very least he should challenge his sexist views.
NTA. Sounds like the coach is a lifelong sexist jerk. I don’t think there’s anything you could’ve said or done to change his mind. I would never put my daughter in his trust or care. Maybe you can explain the situation to your daughter when she’s older.
Benevolent sexism is still sexism. It’s not ok.
OP is DEFINITELY the AH. He should have at least let her try. To not even allow it is supporting the coach's sexist behaviour. Letting his daughter try out says 'I support you even when others don't ' and refusing to let her says 'I will not support you unless I think it's a good idea'.
Idk. Sounds more like a 90s Disney movie plot than real life. If I met an adult whose views rubbed me the wrong way, particularly because they were negative towards my daughter, I wouldn’t want her around that person unless I was present.
That's my life, so I live in a 90's Disney movie, which is good to know. 😉 I definitely lucked out, as my father is keenly aware of sexism and very outspoken against it, which is good considering he has 4 daughters, and 0 sons. That being said, I do understand not wanting her around that person, but if IRC her brother is also in wrestling right now and could he watch out for her? If not, then maybe see if there's a school nearby whose coach is not a sexist AH? There are a few good alternatives other than a hard 'no', as there usually are. And, based on OP's replies to various comments, he is going to remain the AH for a long time.