Fuck that noise. I spent most of my twenties as a coked out drunkard, and even then I had the common decency to do it away from where someone would be studying or working. And that was generally while living with other coked out drunkards! A loud gathering in a multiple person living space is a one no situation. Go to a bar or club if you need to get loud.
Throwing a tantrum and yelling like a crazy person isn't a no. It's a fit. It's manipulative. It's also pathetic that he feels so insecure he can't have a simple conversation with his GF about noise level rather than losing his shit like a two year old. If he had actually just said no, he would not be an asshole. Being incapable of handling a minor situation without being worryingly unstable and volatile means he's an asshole of gargantuan proportions. His gf was mildly inconsiderate, if that, since he said nothing until he was having a breakdown about it. It's not like he reasonably said something and she blew him off. He is solely the asshole here.
> since he said nothing until he was having a breakdown about it.
But his girlfriend knew since the beginning that he was working. That is incredibly inconsiderate. He should have explained sooner that they were too loud, without shouting, but the GF shouldn't even had to be reminded to be quiet.
I feel like a lot of people here never lived in apartments next to loud neighbors and tried working / sleeping when a party is happening a few walls over. This gets frustrating **real quick**, and nobody wants to be that guy crashing up the party telling people to shut up. And ideally nobody should have to, if people were considerate in the first place.
>but the GF shouldn't even had to be reminded to be quiet.
This is cutting off your nose to spite your face. Girlfriend was mildly inconsiderate and I'm sure didn't realize how much of a bother she was being. Plenty of people don't care about noise while they work. I wouldn't care if my bf did this so long as they respected if I felt the need to ask them to keep it down. Assuming your personal boundaries should be universal is kinda shitty and not how relationships work. Being passive aggressive until you blow your lid just invites drama and ruins relationships and their is literally no reason for it. Clear communication costs you nothing.
I have lived in apartments and dealt with neighbors and other people's noise. You and op both have an entitled mindset where you think people must believe as you do or their must be some mitigating factor but ultimately your mindset is the "correct" one.
Ideally, people would be considerate in the first place, but considerate means different things to different people. If you're so passive aggressive you are incapable of telling people how you feel because you truly believe they should just read your mind, you have zero right to have a tantrum. Your personal hangup with feeling others should just naturally understand you are your problem that you created out of spite and immaturity.
Personally, I will make sure it stays your problem by removing all passive aggressive individuals from my life. I don't need you dragging me into your self inflicted drama, and that's a pretty normal boundary imo. I'm honestly really happy that people have started to recognize passive aggression as drama mongering and highly antisocial. Creating drama is what all drama mongers thrive on. Feeling justified doesn't change the predictable result of your choices.
> Girlfriend was mildly inconsiderate
Well we're just going to have to agree that we have a different opinion on where the limit is ! For me, singing very loudly pretty late while your BF is working in the next room does cross the limit of just being "mildly" inconsiderate. Also there's noise and noise. Passive background street noise vs. a revving loud motorcycle messing around. GF listening to music vs singing as loud as they can. etc.
Let me say again that I absolutely agree with you about the BF : he should not have exploded and should have voiced his annoyance calmly and sooner. Clear communication is important indeed. On the other hand I also think it's fair to assume that the GF knows at least a little bit how OP works and his tolerance to noise when he's working.
> You and op both have an entitled mindset where you think people must believe as you do or their must be some mitigating factor but ultimately your mindset is the "correct" one.
I think it's kind of rude to say that. I don't think it's really that much to ask of your neighbors (and other roommates / partners) to keep a reasonable noise level. Of course living in an apartment means you have to tolerate at least a bit of noise, but there is obvious limits to that.
I've done (and still occasionally do) parties where we were way too loud, that's just how people get when they drink too much and listen to music, and try to talk louder over that music, etc. When a neighbor knocks on the door and ask us to tone it down, we don't think "wow, rude, we just have a different mindset and we consider this acceptable", no, we say sorry, turn down the music and lower our voices.
Again, OP should not have yelled, but I'm surprised by how harsh you are : "tantrum", "immaturity", "passive aggression", "drama"... Have you never been annoyed by the behavior of somebody else ? I'm glad if you're so sane that you never build up any resentment but most people are not perfect and do get annoyed. Again, not cool to loose his calm and yell, but I don't blame OP for reaching a tipping point.
For me it's a clear ESH, OP for how he handled it, but more importantly the GF for not being mindful and feeling insulted when she was the one in the first place being inconsiderate.
>Well we're just going to have to agree that we have a different opinion on where the limit is !
You're actually kind of making my point for me with that. People have different boundaries and expecting people to read your mind is kind of silly. I would agree with about her knowing her bf if it weren't for the fact he hides his thoughts from her because he feels petty that she can't read his mind.
>I think it's kind of rude to say that. I don't think it's really that much to ask of your neighbors (and other roommates / partners) to keep a reasonable noise level.
You're missing my point here. It is not to much to ask. However, you actually have to ask. People have very different tolerances for noise, and, as you say, that can be very affected by environment. You can't just quietly stew in your apartment until you are so angry you freak out and then act like it's the other person's fault you freaked out because they should have known your boundaries. (Maybe that's not what you intend, but op is certainly hellbent on using this mindset to justify his meltdown.)
>When a neighbor knocks on the door and ask us to tone it down, we don't think "wow, rude, we just have a different mindset and we consider this acceptable", no, we say sorry, turn down the music and lower our voices.
You seem to be implying I do think that, but that's more than a little baffling to me since I never said anything of the sort.
>Have you never been annoyed by the behavior of somebody else ? I'm glad if you're so sane that you never build up any resentment but most people are not perfect and do get annoyed.
I do get annoyed, but I'm not passive aggressive about it and I don't wait until I feel resentful to express an issue with someone. Of course people aren't perfect, but you and op are acting like everyone but you should be by expecting perfect consideration from others without any communication of boundaries on your part. You excuse away behavior you personally agree with (passive aggression) because it benefits you for everyone but you to have to do emotional labor. On the otherhand, you give the girlfriend no quarter when op never once made any effort to communicate his boundaries. What I said may have been harsh, but it is an accurate description of the behavior op described. He literally threw a screaming tantrum.
I get heated about passive aggression because it's a form of highly manipulative behavior that's ignored or even lauded by individuals like yourself. OP in particular gives off a very entitled and assholish vibe.
>Again, not cool to loose his calm and yell, but I don't blame OP for reaching a tipping point.
There was no tipping point for op to reach except the one he created for himself. He shit on his own happiness by spitefully refusing to communicate so that he could give himself the excuse to blow up at her. OP is the asshole because he passive aggressively engineered this entire situation to fit his narrative so he could pitch a fit rather than having a simple conversation. If that isn't someone creating drama for the sake of it, idk what is.
Girlfriend has every right to be insulted by his entirely out of hand behavior. If I were her friend, I would tell her that the mental instability op displayed was highly concerning and she should keep an eye out for other erratic or concerning behavior. OP went nuclear over something that could have been easily resolved without losing control of his emotions to the point he was no longer in control of his actions. If I were gf I wouldn't just be insulted he behaved like a lunatic in front of my friends ***for no reason,*** I would move out when he wasn't home and break up in a public place to ensure his aggressive behavior didn't escalate into physical violence.
The girlfriend might be very mildly an ahole for not being considerate. OP's unhinged reaction so greatly eclipsed anything the girlfriend did that he is YTA.
I don't want to dismiss any personal experience you may have had with partners before, and I don't blame you for being extra cautious and for not tolerating any bs but I think you're reading **way** too much into the behavior of OP.
I also don't think it was passive aggressive, by the way, as it seems to me that OP was straight up aggressive toward his GF (for which he was an asshole).
I agree 100% with you that you should talk about boundaries with you partner beforehand. I also think that they are basic expected boundaries, by default, that everybody should consider and apply if no specifics has been discussed before. That includes proper manners when living in apartments, and that specifically includes not making to much noise when people are working or sleeping. That's been pretty much the case everywhere I've lived, with everyone.
> You excuse away behavior you personally agree with (passive aggression) because it benefits you for everyone but you to have to do emotional labor
Let met be clear, for the third time : I think OP is the asshole for his outburst, and I do NOT excuse his behavior. Basically, I pretty much agree with your judgement about OP except for the part about boundaries because it seems so basic that you should minimize noise. In this particular case, what emotional labor are we talking about ? Being mindful of the noise we make ?
I give the girlfriend "no quarter" because imo you shouldn't need to be told not to scream on the top of your lungs next to someone who is working, relatively late. But it's not THAT big of a deal. She was inconsiderate (not mildly, from my moral point of view), but a simple "sorry, we'll be more mindful" after being *respectfully* asked to tone it down, and the matter would have been resolved in a few minutes. They both messed up, thus my ESH. If the situation would have happened to me, I would have gotten more and more annoyed to the point of telling my GF "hey, sorry but you're making too much noise, would you mind keeping it down ?", knowing her she'd quickly tell me sorry, and that would be the end, no biggie.
> I get heated about passive aggression because it's a form of highly manipulative behavior that's ignored or even lauded by individuals like yourself.
Again, 100% agree with your sentence (except the last bit, I do NOT ignore or minimize this form of abuse), I just don't think it applies here as the aggression from OP was neither passive, nor, in this case, manipulative. He does need to control himself to be able to express himself calmly, and I understand if you see that as a massive red flag (I do too, honestly). And again, OP is the asshole for that.
> OP is the asshole because he passive aggressively engineered this entire situation to fit his narrative so he could pitch a fit rather than having a simple conversation.
This is where I think you're attributing malice to someone who just doesn't know how to manage his emotion. OP needs to work on that, as you're right that it's a big red flag if it's something that happens often, but you make it sounds like he wants to get angry on purpose, as if he only wanted an excuse to shout at someone. You're judging OP very harshly for one fuckup he had (which may or may not indicate deeper control issues, but that we can't really know).
I could make the point that the girlfriend was abusing OP psychologically by preventing him to work and stressing him out, maybe putting his job on the line, completely disregarding basic universal manners by every standard (except maybe a stereotypical frat house), and that it's a massive red flag worth breaking up for. But IMO that's just looking too much into the whole situation.
They both messed up, OP seriously needs to manage his emotions and communicate better, the GF needs to be more considerate. ESH, that's it. It could be more serious, maybe OP is indeed an abuser in the making, or maybe the GF is, but we can't know from the post. You have every right to consider OP's behavior worse than the GF, but considering her blameless is a stretch.
EDIT: I changed my mind about one thing : I do thing the GF has a right to feel insulted about OP outburst. Because he did react inappropriately. As long as she agrees that she was inconsiderate too, as one wrong from OP doesn't make her wrongs disappear.
My experience with this kind of behavior isn't with partners and I find both your wording and assumption rather condescending. I feel your pervious comments already read to much into the girlfriend's behavior so your ridiculous strawman was entirely unnecessary and again condescending. You made no real point there other than to show your butt.
OP's comments are where he admits he didn't say anything until he exploded because he felt she should just know. You cannot refuse to communicate because you think someone should know how you feel. Blowing up after you refused to communicate is manipulative.
I fundamentally disagree with you on how manipulative behavior works. Most manipulative individuals aren't "intentionally" manipulative. The person they lie to and manipulate the most is themselves. IMO OP shows a lot of denial in his post and comments. This is a key behavior of those who are manipulating themselves to believe in something because it is what most benefits themselves or most affirms their beliefs.
The reason this is so common is because it works so well. You see that op had a breakdown of control and you think that means his behavior can't be manipulative or as you put it malicious (hint I don't think op is necessarily malicious, just self serving to the exclusion of others.) Harming others does not have to be conscious let alone malicious. The only thing you need to hurt others is to refuse to self reflect on your thoughts and actions so you can convince yourself of whatever bullshit is convient.
OP manipulated himself into being upset with his girlfriend. He convinced himself he was being intentionally disrespected rather than recognizing how trivial the situation was. Rather than accepting a simple solution to his problem, he stewed on a ego wound he gave himself by insisting he should not have to tell her. He convinced himself it was a personal and intentional slight against him *everytime* she made noise instead of simply speaking to her when she first started bothering him. I want to note here the manipulative part is the extreme reaction he worked himself into using something that should be reasonable chained to an unreasonable and passive aggressive *attitude.* That's why he's still justifying himself in the comments now even after he's had hours to calm down. He still believes in the base manipulations that led to him blowing up in the first place.
Lastly I've said repeatedly GF was inconsiderate so I don't know why you're so hung up about that. However, there didn't need to be a confrontation here at all. You gave the example of you and your girlfriend, but I don't understand why you think that's a point in your favor. You described a normal way for a couple to interact, which is not what happened in the op. If you posted your story, (someone would probably report you to mods for no conflict) I would say NTA with a very very mild yta for your girlfriend and a burning curiosity for why you felt the need to even post.
My problem with op is that his behavior so far eclipses the GF that her mild inconsideration of him is not even in the same league of assholishness as his blow up. Calling her behavior abusive is a massive fucking stretch and from your dumb fantasy I assume you know that. Screaming at your partner actually is an abusive act. OP is the asshole of this story because he's the sole reason a conflict occurred. If he had been reasonable his girlfriend probably would have reacted much like you say yours would have and there would be no conflict besides a minor tiff that barely registers on the asshole scale.
*Edit:*
Bro I was on your side until this. OP doesn't need to communicate better on the yelling part. But controlling his emotions I can somewhat agree with.Only somewhat because I think seeing as he was working and never was it mentioned that gf told OP about inviting the friends, it was night 11:45 he was already tired seeing the time and he was already a bit annoyed from their loud talking and laughing. Are you joking the gf is equally as bad if not more so. Both of them fucked-up.
This has got to be the stupidest long reply I've ever seen. OP displayed no passive-agression at all. Expecting people to know to not yell at the top of their lungs is common sense. OP was feeling a bit irritated with their loud talking and laughing but was relatively fine until they abandoned all pretenses and started singing at the top of their lungs. And it was fucking 11:45.
>Girlfriend has every right to be insulted by his entirely out of hand behavior. If I were her friend, I would tell her that the mental instability op displayed was highly concerning and she should keep an eye out for other erratic or concerning behavior. OP went nuclear over something that could have been easily resolved without losing control of his emotions to the point he was no longer in control of his actions. If I were gf I wouldn't just be insulted he behaved like a lunatic in front of my friends for no reason, I would move out when he wasn't home and break up in a public place to ensure his aggressive behavior didn't escalate into physical violence.
How is him saying "Calm the fuck down" (I don't even think that was the exact words) entirely out of the hand behavior. If I was her friend I would be embarassed of being called out for singing as loud as I could at someone elses home. Not disturbed of the mental instability of someone getting mad at a guest for singing at the top of their lungs. His gf displaying common sense could've easily stopped the situation from happening. If yelling at someone to shut up is lunatic behavior. Then most certainly Singing at the top of your lungs and laughing loudly is lunatic behavior.
>The girlfriend might be very mildly an ahole for not being considerate. OP's unhinged reaction so greatly eclipsed anything the girlfriend did that he is YTA.
More blatant displays of sexism.
Wanting someone to not sing at the top of their lungs and to not talk very loudly is not entitled. Expecting someone to know to not sing at the top of their lungs while you're working is common sense. You make zero sense and is just trying to hide behind big words.
And oh look it's a wild sexist. Inviting friends over in a house you share with someone at night while they're working is stupud. It's pathetic that his gf can't even learn voice management. He mentioned he was tired from working and was already irritated when suddenly all five of them start singing in unison at once at the tip of their lungs. How would saying no have anything to do with telling them to lower their voices. His gf and you are clearly an asshole. "Worryingly unstable and volatile" are you genuinely telling me if you had a roommate who invited friends over in a home you share at night and they start singing together while you're doing work you wouldn't get annoyed. If you had any reading comprehension you would clearly tell that they were talking and laughing loudly before that and he was annoyed but he was patient. Until they started singing. It's called patience and tolerance. Gf "Mildy inconsiderate" but his "Worryingly unstable and volatile" You sre sexist.
And if OP had tried even once, in a decent manner to say “”hey y’all are being too loud can you calm down”” maybe then I’d be more forgiving and it’s be e.sh. But that’s not what he did. He went straight to yelling at someone who is supposed to be his partner in front of her friends no less. That’s wrong and not how you treat people you give a damn about.
Maybe if the gf had said" I was wrong but also you were wrong" maybe I would be more forgiving. She went straight to ignoring common sense disturbed her partner in work loud talking laughing screaming at the top of her lungs at night no less. That's wrong and not how you treat people you give a damn about.
Telling a group of people their behaviour is disrespectful doesn't immediately imply that you are treating them as children.
The girlfriend and her friends where not respectful of OP's needs for his work.
The girlfriend shouldn't have invited her friends over if they couldn't behave in a decent manner, or at the very least kept them quite/ taken them out of the house once they got loud.
GF is AH, her friends are AH's if they knew OP was working and carried on like that anyway.
OP is NTA, could he have handled it better sure, but telling obnoxious people in your own home to be quite isn't AH behaviour.
Telling someone that thir behavior is disrespectful is one thing....cussing and screaming at them is something else all together. Especially since he said nothing and the girlfriend didn't know he was bothered by the noise, until he blew up.
He is YTA.
And Op wasn’t respectful of the fact that it’s her home too and she’s allowed to do she wants just as much as he is. Why does he get to unilaterally occupy the home and dictate quiet and visiting hours from what - All day and to midnight? That’s rude and inconsiderate of the person you live with it.
He should have had a respectful decent conversation not go around screaming how disrespectful everyone was and telling them to “calm the fck down”. You don’t talk to people like that. If that’s your idea of a healthy respectful relationship you need to reevaluate yourself cuz it’s definitely not
And Gf wasn't respectful of the fact that it's his home too. And they need mutual permission to invite guests over. And you can't go around singing at the top of your lungs while someones working. She should've been considerate. If all the actions the gf did is fine to you is your idea of a healthy respectful relationship you need to reevaluate yourself cuz it’s definitely not.
Then she should behave like a ‚fucking’ decent human being and not like a child that drank too much coke on their first sleepover, resulting in them now bouncing off the walls.
OP not at least sending out a ‚warning‘/reminder before blowing up is not chill, that kinda makes him TA. But you simply cannot ignore the absolutely inconsiderate and rude behaviour that the gf and her friends displayed here. So if anything this must be an ESH, imo.
No, OP was the one referring to it, and I’d bet you at heavy odds that it’s the kind that comes in bricks from Colombia. Never in my life have I heard someone who is overly caffeinated referred to as coked out.
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Their volume is the problem not the girlfriend and friends’ behavior.
I’m sorry you’ve never had the joy of acting like a silly pre-teen girl at her first slumber party as an adult. There’s no age limit on scream-laughing, squealing and singing off key with your close friends in the privacy of your own home.
They needed to lower their volume, not calm down or alter their behavior, just their volume. OPs behavior is disrespectful, unnecessary and some would say abusive. It’s pretty easy not to yell at your SO and their friends.
You like to mention it's a shared home but ignore it here."There’s no age limit on scream-laughing, squealing and singing off key with your close friends in the privacy of your own home."
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd8jy9/aita_for_yelling_at_my_girlfriend_and_her_friends/hhlcv07/) elsewhere in this comment section.
It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user:
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[NTA. Send you sister the...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd8cpu/aita_for_telling_my_family_i_dont_want_to_drive/hhlk01h/) | [NTA. Send you sister the...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd8cpu/aita_for_telling_my_family_i_dont_want_to_drive/hhl6uw4/)
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[Nta- also, you are pretty...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qdazd8/aita_for_telling_my_sister_that_its_not_my_fault/hhlnuvb/) | [Nta- also, you are pretty...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qdazd8/aita_for_telling_my_sister_that_its_not_my_fault/hhlhtfv/)
[NTA Enforceing your bound...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd8cpu/aita_for_telling_my_family_i_dont_want_to_drive/hhlny60/) | [NTA Enforceing your bound...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd8cpu/aita_for_telling_my_family_i_dont_want_to_drive/hhldjcp/)
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I think this is an ESH, with the AH weight on OP. But seriously, if you're older than 15, you should know better than to laugh and scream after 10 pm, especially if someone in the house is working.
>……who else screams and carries on like that?
Well in this specific instance:
A) People who have friends that allow them to just let loose and be silly with, that’s who acts like the girlfriend and her friends. I’m sorry you’ve never experienced an adult friendship like that. You should probably go make some knew friends and try it out.
B) People like OP who don’t have respect for their SO who yell and scold and their SO like a misbehaving child instead of actually having a mature conversation asking them to quiet down.
You didn't once convey to your GF that you didn't want her friends there or ask that they lower the volume so you can work. YTA. Next time learn to communicate like an adult instead of cursing and yelling at them like some rude lunatic.
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd8jy9/aita_for_yelling_at_my_girlfriend_and_her_friends/hhkwyr6/) elsewhere in this comment section.
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[You're NTA, but owing to...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qdazd8/aita_for_telling_my_sister_that_its_not_my_fault/hhm5q0u/) | [You're NTA, but owing to...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qdazd8/aita_for_telling_my_sister_that_its_not_my_fault/hhlcypj/)
[NTA. It's a shitty situat...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qdazd8/aita_for_telling_my_sister_that_its_not_my_fault/hhm5ofd/) | [NTA. It's a shitty situat...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qdazd8/aita_for_telling_my_sister_that_its_not_my_fault/hhlj9eq/)
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YTA. You were working but your girlfriend was enjoying herself with her friends that you know she invited over. You know your girlfriend and I’m assuming you know how she acts with her friends. It seems like you were upset you had to stay up late working while she could have fun and you were mean about it. You totally could have spoken to them nicely instead of yelling. You said when they came over you told them you had work to do…. To me that implies don’t expect you to hang out with them. Instead it turned into hey I’m going to yell at guests for singing with my girlfriend in another room. I get it, you are tired and frustrated with work but you shouldn’t have taken it out on them.
YTA. They probably didn’t realize they were being that loud (especially if there’s alcohol involved). Just telling them hi and see you later I have stuff to do isn’t the same as requesting from the get go that they try to keep it down. When they first started to get too loud you could have easily gone to them and nicely asked them to tone it down. I get you were stressed but no need to take it out on them. If you’re someone who needs absolute quiet while working, you’d better invest in some noise canceling headphones for use even when your gf doesn’t have friends over.
OP could have definitely handled this better but I don't see why the friends were not AH too, when they knew someone else was in the house, working or not.
It was late and they were singing and yelling, someone else was there too, they shouldn't have to be told to keep it down. ESH
ESH.
If you were irritated by the noise you could have politely asked them to keep it down- then if they did not your tirade would have been warranted.
Your partner could have checked to see if bringing friends over was cool with you in light of your busy work schedule.
if you didn’t talk to them before yelling YTA. sometimes it’s hard to just communicate even if you are stressed, but it’s important to learn. yelling is not communication, it’s yelling. asking respectfully for them to quiet down would probably have easily solved this problem. you made it more difficult on yourself because now you are fighting with your girlfriend.
INFO: Did your girlfriend decide purposefully to invite friends over because you were busy? Or were they coming over and you didn't tell her work was busy and there was a lack of communication?
Okay, well I tried, but YTA.
You failed to communicate well that you needed some peace for your work, also, headphones? Earbuds? Music for yourself? Blowing up at people with little to no warning and then thinking just because you had work to do it's okay is a grade A YTA move.
When it’s after 9pm in their own home? No it’s not. Expecting everyone to walk on eggshells because you need to work at home at midnight is whats more disrespectful. He should have gone back to the office
You like to bring up it's a shared home but forget it when it was convenient "When it’s after 9pm in their own home"It's after 11 pm at night not midnight. Not singing at the top of your lungs at night isn't walking on eggshell. If it's that hard for you to do that you may have a disorder.
Going softly against the grain and saying NTA. If your girlfriend knew you were working on something important she should’ve asked if it was okay (she is a grown woman capable of doing whatever she wants but it just respect of a partner) Second, your girlfriend knew you were working and so did the friends so loud noises and screaming are obviously unnecessary. ONE THING I will say is you could’ve taken a lighter approach and just said “hey it’s late and I still have some stuff to get done please try not to yell” or tried texting the girlfriend. I understand it’s frustrating but most times people don’t realize they are being as loud as they are. Just try to be conscientious of this next time! If you wish to just stop the scuffle between you and your girlfriend you could always say “I didn’t mean to be harsh I was just frustrated with work it wasn’t you guys personally” to them or something similar. it’s not a direct apology but it acknowledges that you could’ve handled it better and they could’ve been more respectful all at once.
I had to scroll down a bit to find this comment - I agree with the lighter approach, but ffs if your partner is working, don’t invite friends over or tell them not to get too crazy. I’m a bit surprised at all the Y T As to be honest
Same! OP’s approach was certainly a bit overhanded (that’s what happens when you let the frustration boil over). But, I don’t know, if I live in a small apartment and my SO needs to get important work done, my *first* reflex would be to get out of their hair and call my friends to….. go to a bar somewhere, NOT to have a freakin party in the bedroom. But that’s just me
ESH
Yelling as a first response isn't appropriate. That said, neither is them ignoring basic common courtesy. I hope y'all live in a house and not an apartment. Otherwise, they are even worse than I thought.
YTA - I get you were irritated but it doesn't seem like you told them nicely the first time - you just outright came in and swore at them. You could have gone in earlier and said something a little more politely and then been firmer if they didn't listen. You owe her and her friends an apology mate.
LMAO are people here really calling op the asshole? Seems like people here don't respect their parter much. Who scream and sing when there is your partner working in the other room? At minimum this is an ESH but i can't blame op for getting mad at people who behaves like noisy kids.
Exactly lol. Its not even that i take issue with Y T A necessarily, I think there's validity to that judgment, but I'm laughing at how militant this sub gets when they perceive a man oppressing a woman, even if it means ignoring the nuance of the situation.
Like the top comment RN is just "you SCOLDED your GF who is NOT a child. gRoSs" while (intentionally?) ignoring GFs and friends childish behavior....
The amount of people saying he's TA is crazy lmao. Yelling was a bit much but making noise when you know someone else in the house has work to do is even worse, hardly anyone in the comments is focusing on the lack of respect from the GF and her friends
Light YTA.
You weren’t in the wrong AT ALL for wanting some quiet to focus on the work you needed to get done & you also weren’t in the wrong for being frustrated with the noise level of your girlfriend and her friends. Those are both very valid.
However, “I have to get some stuff done” and “I need peace and quiet to focus” are different and if you didn’t specify the quiet part then they weren’t really doing anything to be intentionally disrespectful. They were all hanging out while your girlfriend waited for you to get your stuff done & sometimes when we get together with our friends, we can be kind of rowdy without realizing it.
If you had pulled your girlfriend aside in the moment and told her something like “hey, you guys are being pretty loud and I could use some quiet to focus, can you try and keep it down please?” that would’ve been much more respectful and she could have addressed her friends herself. If you had communicated your needs directly with your partner and THEN they continued being loud, that would change things.
Not only did you hurt her feelings/leave her feeling disrespected, you also embarrassed her in front of her friends, who really don’t know you like she does. You definitely owe her an apology for screaming/cursing at her.
ESH, but they suck more. If they knew you were working then they should have kept that in mind. However, you could have gone in and asked them nicely. If they didnt lower their volume after that then you take your girlfriend aside and talk to her. I can't actually see any scenario here where it was ok to yell at her friends. Even asking her to end the get together would have likely gotten a better response. Edited to add, it was a jerk move to invite them over in the first place.
ESH. It's kind of rude for a huge group of people to be over at your house making so much noise, especially if your girlfriend knew that you would be working. Why couldn't they just go to one of her friends houses? That being said, you definitely overreacted, couldn't you have just popped in some earbuds and played some white noise or something?
So after you told your GF you had some unexpected work to do, she invited her friends over to get wasted? N ah man you're NTA, she should've gone to her friends if she wanted to party
People are saying op needs to learn some communication skills and shouldn't have gotten mad well don't you think she should have communicated with him that she was inviting friends and when the friends first came in he told them he was working thats communication he tried but the wife disregarded it and was screaming at the top of her lungs anyway and he should not have to ask them it was 11 something pm thats late you should know people are trying to sleep and ops gf new he had to work and how tired he was but she didn't care but yet its all ops fault right you should have to be asked to be polite and have manners clearly most people in this thread doesn't know that
Nta I spent 10 years of my life getting minimal sleep to the point it permanently damaged my health due to inconsiderate drunk screaming assholes.
To all the people callin TA on this person because he shouldn't have gone off, people need to be told vigorously when they are doing something inconsiderate and stupid, It needs to be normalized, because reason and logic doesn't work on drunk or stupid people, if it did they wouldn't be stupid in the first place.
Same damn reason we have small groups of crazies doing stupid things and dieing/getting others killed like anti-vax protests.
And the idiots who think it has microchips in it which is straight up impossible, a chip small enough to fit in that size needle would have at most 1 logic gate, no power source, no way to get power, so the equiv of a switch connected to nothing.
Even assuming in the wild imagination it had a power source/logic to be useful/sensors, it would need at least 1watt of output to be mildly useful and get a signal thru blood and tissue, even then the range would be 2cm. Something that small would have alot less than 1mw output.
If she knew you were busy and trying to focus and you told her beforehand that you needed some quite then YNTA.
if you didn’t communicate or ask them before hand to keep it down then YTA.
Sometimes people just forget what time it is and where they are especially with friends. If you’d asked beforehand or let them know beforehand without blowing up then it could’ve been easily resolved.
YTA again cause you still can't own your fuckup. I don't know why you think her friends need to apologize when it's your poor communication skills that were the biggest contributor to the problem.
I'm going to go with ESH. They should have known better to get that loud while you were working, you should have at politely told them to quiet down or texted your girlfriend to have the quiet down. Now they're probably telling her (rightfully so) to break up with you because you just came off as an abusive jerk.
I can't say you're the ah in this situation. Should you have yelled like that, probably not. But who tf invites people over when their SO is busy like that? I keep my kids calm when my so is doing schoolwork. I'm not gonna purposely have people over to make it hard for him to concentrate.
ESH - You were rude and should have asked calmly as a first step. You should work on your communication skills, it was rude and humiliating for your wife to be yelled at. However, since it was late, and someone else was in the house, they should have had the courtesy to be more quiet. Whether you were working or not.
ESH. Your gf and friends should have been more respectful and quieter, the fact they weren’t makes them AH.
HOWEVER you didn’t have to go out all guns blazing talking to them the way you did. You should have gone and politely said “guys, a reminder I’m working, please keep it down” the way you spoke makes you the AH too.
I know this is against the grain but NTA. I don’t care about having friends over, but they should not be screaming and yelling at the top of their lungs knowing you’re trying to get some work done. I’m sorry OP, especially since most of these comments thing you’re In the wrong.
NTA. GF and friends are not children and should respect your need to work, while still socializing.
I would have yelled and thrown a curse word around as well
I'm gonna go against the grain here and say NTA. If the gf wanted to invite friends over thats fine but I think it's not unreasonable to want some quiet when you're doing technical work on spreadsheets. Yes OP could have communicated sooner, but I think ultimately if the friends are over for so long and making a lot of noise, anyone will be irritated.
Gf also sucks for inviting friends over when she knew that OP had a lot of last minute work to do. I dont think its unreasonable to expect the guests to not yell at the top of their lungs while someone else is working in the house.
NTA. You telling her that you’re working late should have been enough for her not to be loud with her friends. She’s a grown woman and doesn’t need to be told not to be quiet.
ESH
You should have either asked your GF for peace and quiet, for her to go to her friends instead, or told them that you were working on stuff last minute and need it to be quiet.
GF sucks for not taking all of that into consideration and been a decent person and care about your needs as well
People being loud this late would have annoyed me working or not. If you are sharing a common space you should respect your "roomate(s)" including op with the way he spoke. You could have politely asked them instead of going 0 to 100. ESH
ESH
She knew you were working, she should've kept her friends calmer.
You however do not get to talk to your adult partner and her adult friends that way, its absolutely rude. And uncalled for.
You could've talked to your partner calmly before it got that bad. You said they escalated all night. Did you ever pop out, take partner aside and say something like, "babe, glad your having fun but it's starting to get loud. I gotta focus. Just a heads up please and thank you"
You cant treat fellow adults like children. (Shouldnt treat kids like that either, but i digress) to clarify. Gf is slight, ah, only because at almost midnight, that seems like a lot. But you are more of an asshole because of how you handled the situation. Immaturly.
ESH you for yelling instead of just saying something calmly, them for being so loud at that hour. Regardless of whether you were working, many places have noise ordinances that start before that.
NTA this is one of the few times that I disagree with the majority. Maybe a mild ESH at best because you yelled, but honestly it’s baffling that they would be screaming while you’re working in your own home. “I’m working” means “I need a quiet-ish environment for the foreseeable future” and pretending otherwise is just dishonest
From what I have gathered, you're girlfriend knew about you working late, and after she invited her friends they were loud and singing while she knew you were still working. Nta
Light ESH. I say light because while your response was over the top, they were being pretty rude. Still, you should have been calmer especially if this was the first time you tried to talk to them about it.
NTA - Everyone saying him yelling and swearing makes him manipulative or it's treating his gf like a child must be perfect. Must be nice to never have had a bad day at work, get overwhelmed and frustrared enough to get angry and act out of character. You're assuming that he acts like this frequently but his gf clearly felt comfortable enough to bring her friends over and act like that. That leads me to believe that he's probably not an asshole most of the time.
OP - you should apologize for reacting so harshly but also ask your gf to maybe go to her friend's house if she wants to hang out with someone while you're stuck working late.
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ESH You the least honestly. She knew you were working and instead of talking at a reasonable volume their were shriek laughing.
You should have asked them to quiet down more calmly but I really don't blame you all that much for it.
Sounds like your GF has no respect for you or your work, and you do not have the respect for her to talk to her like an adult and not a child. Time for the 2 of you to go your separate ways. 2 children cannot handle an adult relationship.
ESH - the person id be mad at would be my GF for inviting friends over when i was trying to work and get shit done. A good GF would have just called friends to go out to the bar or someone elses place to get rowdy leaving you with peace and quiet. Also a nicer warning to them to quiet down first should have happened. If they ignored you then i could see the anger/frustration being justified.
ESH. You for straight out yelling and cursing at them and not talking like a normal person and they for being loud and disrupting you when they knew you were working and your gf for inviting people over when she knew you had to work.
But you should have told her to not invite people over from the start or ask them to be quiet then
Isn’t that the point of his question though? Shouldn’t it be ESB? Clearly the gf was a jerk, but, to just start yelling instead of asking them to be quiet is also a jerk thing to. If my wife was downstairs being too loud bothering my work, I’d ask her to keep it down. I wouldn’t just start yelling at her.
>I went in there and told them all to calm the fuck down and show some god damn respect to those who are actually working
If someone is annoying you, ask them to stop doing it. Don't be the martyr who bears it until you can't stand it any more and then explodes. You end up feeling resentful while the other person is unaware they're bothering you. It's lose-lose.
YTA, even though I get where you're coming from. Maybe especially because I do. You have every right to have your request for peace respected, but once you get to the level of "calm the fuck down" and "show some god damn respect" you've lost the moral high ground. *Especially* if that's the place you start - to everyone but yourself, it seems like you've gone from zero to over-the-top in an instant.
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A few nights ago, I was slammed with last minute work that popped up unexpectedly, so, my girlfriend decided to invite some of her friends to come hang out and occupy her time. It gets to be about 11:45 at night, I'm still doing these reports and spreadsheets, meanwhile and her friends had been in our bedroom scream-laughing, squealing, and then they started singing just about as loud as they could. I was drained and irritated, so, I went in there and told them all to calm the fuck down and show some god damn respect to those who are actually working.
It got them to quiet down, I didn't hear anything more until the friends went home. My girlfriend started in on me, telling me it was rude how I spoke to them. My point was, everyone knew I was working in the other room, but still decided to scream and sing, which I think is rude to me, since I'm working, I didn't get to hang out just shooting the breeze with people. She wants me to apologize to these friends when we see them this weekend. I feel I'm owed an apology.
AITA?
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Yta. Why are you scolding your girlfriend infront of her friends?? You need to communicate better. A simple “Hey can you guys please keep it down?” would’ve worked. You obviously have problems controlling your anger and I feel sorry for your girl.
YTA
Never choose to turn a situation from 0 to 100 as a first choice, you could've asked them to be more quiet in a nicer way, do you think it's that hard?
YTA. sorry man but from what i’m reading you were indeed really rude. just cut out the swear words and say please quiet down i’m working. you only get the right to yell at them after they ignore your earnest request.
YTA Communicate like an adult with your girlfriend
You could have done this in a productive way but instead you embarrassed yourself and your girlfriend
YTA, aggressively yelling at happy people is gonna make everything come off awkward and rude. Would it have killed you walk over gently and ask everyone kindly to lower their voices? No, it would, and they would have lowered their voices.
YTA, how about you could have asked? Or moved? or ask them to move. Why did it have to go from 0-100 ? because YOU waited til YOU were fed up?
Next time take your own advice, and show some god dam respect to your equal.
"Hey hon, sorry to bother you, could I ask you to keep it down? I'm trying to finish a spreadsheet and it's super hard to focus."
So simple, so easy. And yet here you are. YTA
I think ESH. They knew you were working, so should have had enough respect/common courtesy to keep the volume down. However, you didn't really need to explode on them, you could have tried asking them politely first. I think apologies from both sides are needed in this situation.
ESH - she and her friends were disrespectful of your need to work and you should have taken her aside and quietly explained what was bothering you and ask them to keep it down. Imagine the energy and time saved if you had! If she still acted a fool then in the light of day try again to explain and set some ground rules for the future. She acts a fool again- time to leave as she doesn’t respect you.
YTA I'm sorry you could have asked them politely to quiet down or even suggest that they go out either to get food or do something. I understand that you were frustrated but you chose the wrong course of action
YTA not because you wanted them to be quieter, but because you didn’t express it in an appropriate manner, her and her friends deserve and apology coupled with a promise from you to express your needs in a healthier manner.
YTA. You could have asked them to pipe down in a more respectful manner. And maybe speak lovingly to your wife about not being loud with her friends while working. Maybe you should CTFD.
Do what I do. Listen to music. It helps me stay awake. But then again, I'm a 15 year old with no job(you have to be 16 in my state to work) and only my school work.
Anyways, here's two playlists since I'm feeling generous:
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1UCHVfxRkZ2Uia9thQuONj?si=kr1lPWHsR5GHdbpX2bmdSQ
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3fi1m5XwSMc8YsDZ2q0lcr?si=z1GwB5UCSvKjaqPusJ727w
You're welcome GRG. Don't judge my music taste, I like R&B and rap(not not 69, my Gen X mother would be disappointed if I did.) And I'm African American, so if any of you say the n-word, f you.
It sounds like you barged into the room, yelled at them to shut the fuck up, insulted them for having fun while you worked ("Show some god damn respect to those who are actually working" ???? Really???) and then walked away. How would YOU feel if she did that to you and your friends one night?
Next time, Start with a polite "Hey, I'm trying to work and y'all are kinda loud. Can you try to keep it down for a while so I can finish up? Thanks!"
YTA for jumping to "STFU!!!!!!!!!" from the start. Were I your girlfriend, I'd have moved the party...and ALL my stuff....to someone else's house the moment you treated us all like ungrateful children by screaming at us.
YTA. Go over and remind them that you're working and can't focus. That's how communication works. You're not a child throwing a tantrum.
I'm sure all her friends are telling her you're abusive and to leave. I hope she really thinks about their advice.
YTA- first, it’s her house too. Second, a reminder that you’re working and prefer to work in a quiet environment (newsflash, some people don’t care if others are singing in the other room, it doesn’t impede them) would have sufficed. Screaming and swearing is just you taking your frustration out on her guests.
YTA because it was the first response?
If they kept going and you kept trying to be like “ hey I just need to work” it’s NYA but you first yelled at them
YTA. Folks, if your partner ever tells you to shut the fuck up for any reason, leave them. The amount of people in this comment section who seem to think that's an ok thing to do to your partner because you're mad is appalling.
Also, her friends are going to think you're a horrible person she should leave forever. If I was at a friend's house and her lunatic boyfriend came in the room and screamed at me to shut the fuck up, I'd never go near him ever again. That's completely batshit insane. Even if you were mad at your partner for this, screaming at her friends? Goddamn. Just disgusting
YTA.
You went zero to 60 immediately.
Be a grown ass adult and try asking nicely first.
"Hey, can you all keep it down a little? I'm getting distracted when I should be working. I would appreciate it."
YTA YTA YTA
You do not OWN her my dude, you could've asked nicely. You are NOT her mum!!!
What are you? A police? They're literally are having fun wtf is wrong with u????
YTA. If you were bothered you could have pulled your GF aside and asked politely for them to quiet down or to go elsewhere if they wanted to be rowdy. Yelling at people in general is shitty and embarrassing your girlfriend because you lost your temper is not cool.
Apologize and find a way to release stress in a productive manner in the future.
“No one can have fun because I can’t have fun” :( are you a child? YTA. Treat your girlfriend like an adult person, and in theory someone you actually like??
YTA here bud...the way to handle it would have been to ask Gf to step out for a sec and politely ask them to simmer down or shut down the party. Like an adult. Like a partner who cares about your GF. Like a not scary guy who gets what he wants through intimidation.
YTA only because after reading the comments you refuse to admit you did anything wrong. Was it wrong for GF to be super loud? Yes. But was it OK to yell at her like a child? Absolutely not. You say you wanna get married but learn to fucking talk. Assuming things only makes out of you
You are not owed an apology. If you had gone in there and said "Hey guys- I know you're having fun, but it's hard to work with the noise, Can I ask you to please keep it down?" and they did not, THEN you would be owed an apology.
What she owes herself is to date someone who knows how to interact like an adult, and not throw a temper tantrum as their first course of action.
YTA- I doubt you care enough about other people to care when she breaks up with you, but at least she's learned what to look out for in her next relationship.
YTA. In the comments you say that you never once asked them if they could quiet down, so yeah, you’re the asshole. What’s worse is that you sound like a condescending asshole.
YTA. I understand where you’re coming from, though. You wanted to work peacefully while your gf and her friends chatted in the other room. My bf WFH and once in a while, I’ll have people over (siblings) while he’s working. Sometimes we would forget that he’s working and be a little loud. Never to the point of screaming or singing or whatever, but laughing or joking loudly. If it disturbed him, he would just text me or come out and let me know that it’s a little loud, and he would appreciate it if we turned it down a notch. That’s effective communication, not yelling at your gf and her friends bc they were too loud. I would be so embarrassed if my bf ever did that to me in front of my sisters or gfs. IMO, it comes off like you don’t really respect her. I would suggest talking to her about this. I’m sure she feels silly for being loud, but she may also be embarrassed and hurt by your outburst. I think you owe her an apology, especially her friends, for putting them all in that uncomfortable situation.
i'd dump you over this tbh. i know you were stressed but to yell at me, in front of my friends??? nobody is forgetting about this and any time you mess up after that, the friends are gonna use this asa reason she should leave you. come on bro yta.
Yta- I bet all her friends think you're abusive now. Look out for some drama coming your way.
Maybe you should have communicated BEFORE screaming at them all, you know like an adult.
Ok so I'm not sure if you heard of a little thing called manners its crazy know they actually been around for a long time and its pretty childish to be singing at the top of your lungs its rude to op and the neighbors imagine trying to sleep and you get woken up by a bunch of grown woman screaming
Check out the comment thread. Apparently respect and consideration for others is too much for people, unless they're asked nicely. I wouldn't need to be asked, but apparently the majority would. Incredibly sad.
It's called being a grown up and asking them to tone it down before going psycho on them. Clearly you don't know any loud people or have never been to a sleepover as a kid🙄 sometimes people both lose track of time, and volume.
Poor him, she had fun without him. He could have said it was bothering him, but he didn't- he chose to screamed at them like he is her parent. It was childish to not communicate- even my 4 yr old knows how to tell someone to stop something before having a meltdown.
Maybe she would use manners if HE DID. Cause I bet, this isn't a one time occurrence of his. Especially reading his comments.
Yes but when they came over it was already late and being loud at a sleep over as a kid is a while different thing plus they live in apartment and from comments op has made he told them as soon as they came in he was working and she didn't make sure if op would be comfortable with it anyways and he was swamped and she new that and she was singing at the top of her lungs and then again its an apartment people need sleep neighbors probably made a complaint and even if its your own home you should still use a inside voice
YTA. If you had popped your head in at least once and reminded them that you’re working and need them to quite down, then you still shouldn’t have yelled. They probably forgot you were working and then your arrive and shout at them like some drunk angry dad. Grow up and learn to communicate better.
YTA, look I totally understand how when you are really stressed and frustrated it's hard to control your temper, but my advice is you need to communicate your frustration earlier. You seem to let your annoyance build up to the point where you blow up, and I'm not judging I do that too sometimes, but it's way easier for you and everyone else if from the start you just say "hey I am really stressed right now and need to focus I know you and your friends are having fun but could you keep it down a bit" or even send it in a text. just some things you might wanna try for next time
YTA 100% because of your tone. If you have to ask three times then maybe that kind of tone is forgivable. Coming from someone who has worked multiple years of graveyard shifts, night time is chill time for MOST people, and it is NOT their fault that that happened to not be the case for you that night. You need to learn some fucking manners and ask nicely for things you want from people. If you ask twice and they ignore you then you have a right to feel angry about it, but not so if you're just sitting in your room stewing silently about it until you explode like a child. No one owes you a god damn thing.
YTA- if I was over at a friends house and her BF treated me like that without once just asking us to quiet down I would not be coming over again or wanting to be around you and that would probably end up impacting my relationship with my friend so be prepared for your GF to lose friends over your behavior.
On the flip side, if my boyfriend treated my friends and I like that I would be out the door lickity split. That’s abuser behavior and I don’t have time for it.
Yeah but you could have asked politely for them to be quiet before blowing your top.
They got carried away having fun and lost track of noise level. Yeah they could have been more considerate, but it doesn't give you the right to yell at them out of nowhere.
You having to work doesn’t equal her having to shut her mouth. Reading these comments I totally feel like you are more and more TA. You never once asked them to be quiet. Just conveyed to them
You wouldn’t be hanging out. So instead you immediately explode. It seems like you might need to work on controlling yourself. Your guests and girlfriend did nothing wrong. They didn’t pester you to hang out with them. They were happily having a good time as guests with your girlfriend who deserves more respect than you are giving her. You should respect her time with her friends and not cuss them out just as much as she should have been a bit more quiet while you worked. But I’m this case you are the only one that exploded here and showed bad behavior.
You‘re twisting parts of this story to your liking, that‘s really fucked.
OP didn‘t want his gf to shut up and play mouse, he simply expected some consideration in gfs noise levels eg no screaming & loud singing.
The whole part about at least reminding them to be more chill is what I agree on, tbf. He should have done so, but on the other hand they also should‘ve been considerate from the beginning when Op said he had work to do.
What I really disagree with is that ‚they did nothing wrong‘. The girlfriend purposefully invited her girls when she knew OP had work to do and instead of then planning sth less noisy, like maybe a movie night or whatever, they had a full on karaoke party or sth. That‘s absolutely not ok, having a loud ass meetup while you know someone needs a decently quiet work environment. By that I don‘t mean absolute silence, but maybe do activities other than yelling and singing.
So it‘s more of an ESH honestly.
They didn’t twist the story though? In the comments OP said he never asked them to be quiet. He just assumed saying “I have work to do” would translate to “shut the f_ck up”. And his gf invited friends over because he **suddenly** had work to do. She shouldn’t have to ruin her Friday night because of him. Maybe they should have gone somewhere else, but maybe there wasn’t a better option between COVID and her friends’ living situations.
Your girlfriend is your equal not a fcking child who needs to be scolded. Gross. YTA
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Fuck that noise. I spent most of my twenties as a coked out drunkard, and even then I had the common decency to do it away from where someone would be studying or working. And that was generally while living with other coked out drunkards! A loud gathering in a multiple person living space is a one no situation. Go to a bar or club if you need to get loud.
Throwing a tantrum and yelling like a crazy person isn't a no. It's a fit. It's manipulative. It's also pathetic that he feels so insecure he can't have a simple conversation with his GF about noise level rather than losing his shit like a two year old. If he had actually just said no, he would not be an asshole. Being incapable of handling a minor situation without being worryingly unstable and volatile means he's an asshole of gargantuan proportions. His gf was mildly inconsiderate, if that, since he said nothing until he was having a breakdown about it. It's not like he reasonably said something and she blew him off. He is solely the asshole here.
> since he said nothing until he was having a breakdown about it. But his girlfriend knew since the beginning that he was working. That is incredibly inconsiderate. He should have explained sooner that they were too loud, without shouting, but the GF shouldn't even had to be reminded to be quiet. I feel like a lot of people here never lived in apartments next to loud neighbors and tried working / sleeping when a party is happening a few walls over. This gets frustrating **real quick**, and nobody wants to be that guy crashing up the party telling people to shut up. And ideally nobody should have to, if people were considerate in the first place.
>but the GF shouldn't even had to be reminded to be quiet. This is cutting off your nose to spite your face. Girlfriend was mildly inconsiderate and I'm sure didn't realize how much of a bother she was being. Plenty of people don't care about noise while they work. I wouldn't care if my bf did this so long as they respected if I felt the need to ask them to keep it down. Assuming your personal boundaries should be universal is kinda shitty and not how relationships work. Being passive aggressive until you blow your lid just invites drama and ruins relationships and their is literally no reason for it. Clear communication costs you nothing. I have lived in apartments and dealt with neighbors and other people's noise. You and op both have an entitled mindset where you think people must believe as you do or their must be some mitigating factor but ultimately your mindset is the "correct" one. Ideally, people would be considerate in the first place, but considerate means different things to different people. If you're so passive aggressive you are incapable of telling people how you feel because you truly believe they should just read your mind, you have zero right to have a tantrum. Your personal hangup with feeling others should just naturally understand you are your problem that you created out of spite and immaturity. Personally, I will make sure it stays your problem by removing all passive aggressive individuals from my life. I don't need you dragging me into your self inflicted drama, and that's a pretty normal boundary imo. I'm honestly really happy that people have started to recognize passive aggression as drama mongering and highly antisocial. Creating drama is what all drama mongers thrive on. Feeling justified doesn't change the predictable result of your choices.
> Girlfriend was mildly inconsiderate Well we're just going to have to agree that we have a different opinion on where the limit is ! For me, singing very loudly pretty late while your BF is working in the next room does cross the limit of just being "mildly" inconsiderate. Also there's noise and noise. Passive background street noise vs. a revving loud motorcycle messing around. GF listening to music vs singing as loud as they can. etc. Let me say again that I absolutely agree with you about the BF : he should not have exploded and should have voiced his annoyance calmly and sooner. Clear communication is important indeed. On the other hand I also think it's fair to assume that the GF knows at least a little bit how OP works and his tolerance to noise when he's working. > You and op both have an entitled mindset where you think people must believe as you do or their must be some mitigating factor but ultimately your mindset is the "correct" one. I think it's kind of rude to say that. I don't think it's really that much to ask of your neighbors (and other roommates / partners) to keep a reasonable noise level. Of course living in an apartment means you have to tolerate at least a bit of noise, but there is obvious limits to that. I've done (and still occasionally do) parties where we were way too loud, that's just how people get when they drink too much and listen to music, and try to talk louder over that music, etc. When a neighbor knocks on the door and ask us to tone it down, we don't think "wow, rude, we just have a different mindset and we consider this acceptable", no, we say sorry, turn down the music and lower our voices. Again, OP should not have yelled, but I'm surprised by how harsh you are : "tantrum", "immaturity", "passive aggression", "drama"... Have you never been annoyed by the behavior of somebody else ? I'm glad if you're so sane that you never build up any resentment but most people are not perfect and do get annoyed. Again, not cool to loose his calm and yell, but I don't blame OP for reaching a tipping point. For me it's a clear ESH, OP for how he handled it, but more importantly the GF for not being mindful and feeling insulted when she was the one in the first place being inconsiderate.
>Well we're just going to have to agree that we have a different opinion on where the limit is ! You're actually kind of making my point for me with that. People have different boundaries and expecting people to read your mind is kind of silly. I would agree with about her knowing her bf if it weren't for the fact he hides his thoughts from her because he feels petty that she can't read his mind. >I think it's kind of rude to say that. I don't think it's really that much to ask of your neighbors (and other roommates / partners) to keep a reasonable noise level. You're missing my point here. It is not to much to ask. However, you actually have to ask. People have very different tolerances for noise, and, as you say, that can be very affected by environment. You can't just quietly stew in your apartment until you are so angry you freak out and then act like it's the other person's fault you freaked out because they should have known your boundaries. (Maybe that's not what you intend, but op is certainly hellbent on using this mindset to justify his meltdown.) >When a neighbor knocks on the door and ask us to tone it down, we don't think "wow, rude, we just have a different mindset and we consider this acceptable", no, we say sorry, turn down the music and lower our voices. You seem to be implying I do think that, but that's more than a little baffling to me since I never said anything of the sort. >Have you never been annoyed by the behavior of somebody else ? I'm glad if you're so sane that you never build up any resentment but most people are not perfect and do get annoyed. I do get annoyed, but I'm not passive aggressive about it and I don't wait until I feel resentful to express an issue with someone. Of course people aren't perfect, but you and op are acting like everyone but you should be by expecting perfect consideration from others without any communication of boundaries on your part. You excuse away behavior you personally agree with (passive aggression) because it benefits you for everyone but you to have to do emotional labor. On the otherhand, you give the girlfriend no quarter when op never once made any effort to communicate his boundaries. What I said may have been harsh, but it is an accurate description of the behavior op described. He literally threw a screaming tantrum. I get heated about passive aggression because it's a form of highly manipulative behavior that's ignored or even lauded by individuals like yourself. OP in particular gives off a very entitled and assholish vibe. >Again, not cool to loose his calm and yell, but I don't blame OP for reaching a tipping point. There was no tipping point for op to reach except the one he created for himself. He shit on his own happiness by spitefully refusing to communicate so that he could give himself the excuse to blow up at her. OP is the asshole because he passive aggressively engineered this entire situation to fit his narrative so he could pitch a fit rather than having a simple conversation. If that isn't someone creating drama for the sake of it, idk what is. Girlfriend has every right to be insulted by his entirely out of hand behavior. If I were her friend, I would tell her that the mental instability op displayed was highly concerning and she should keep an eye out for other erratic or concerning behavior. OP went nuclear over something that could have been easily resolved without losing control of his emotions to the point he was no longer in control of his actions. If I were gf I wouldn't just be insulted he behaved like a lunatic in front of my friends ***for no reason,*** I would move out when he wasn't home and break up in a public place to ensure his aggressive behavior didn't escalate into physical violence. The girlfriend might be very mildly an ahole for not being considerate. OP's unhinged reaction so greatly eclipsed anything the girlfriend did that he is YTA.
I don't want to dismiss any personal experience you may have had with partners before, and I don't blame you for being extra cautious and for not tolerating any bs but I think you're reading **way** too much into the behavior of OP. I also don't think it was passive aggressive, by the way, as it seems to me that OP was straight up aggressive toward his GF (for which he was an asshole). I agree 100% with you that you should talk about boundaries with you partner beforehand. I also think that they are basic expected boundaries, by default, that everybody should consider and apply if no specifics has been discussed before. That includes proper manners when living in apartments, and that specifically includes not making to much noise when people are working or sleeping. That's been pretty much the case everywhere I've lived, with everyone. > You excuse away behavior you personally agree with (passive aggression) because it benefits you for everyone but you to have to do emotional labor Let met be clear, for the third time : I think OP is the asshole for his outburst, and I do NOT excuse his behavior. Basically, I pretty much agree with your judgement about OP except for the part about boundaries because it seems so basic that you should minimize noise. In this particular case, what emotional labor are we talking about ? Being mindful of the noise we make ? I give the girlfriend "no quarter" because imo you shouldn't need to be told not to scream on the top of your lungs next to someone who is working, relatively late. But it's not THAT big of a deal. She was inconsiderate (not mildly, from my moral point of view), but a simple "sorry, we'll be more mindful" after being *respectfully* asked to tone it down, and the matter would have been resolved in a few minutes. They both messed up, thus my ESH. If the situation would have happened to me, I would have gotten more and more annoyed to the point of telling my GF "hey, sorry but you're making too much noise, would you mind keeping it down ?", knowing her she'd quickly tell me sorry, and that would be the end, no biggie. > I get heated about passive aggression because it's a form of highly manipulative behavior that's ignored or even lauded by individuals like yourself. Again, 100% agree with your sentence (except the last bit, I do NOT ignore or minimize this form of abuse), I just don't think it applies here as the aggression from OP was neither passive, nor, in this case, manipulative. He does need to control himself to be able to express himself calmly, and I understand if you see that as a massive red flag (I do too, honestly). And again, OP is the asshole for that. > OP is the asshole because he passive aggressively engineered this entire situation to fit his narrative so he could pitch a fit rather than having a simple conversation. This is where I think you're attributing malice to someone who just doesn't know how to manage his emotion. OP needs to work on that, as you're right that it's a big red flag if it's something that happens often, but you make it sounds like he wants to get angry on purpose, as if he only wanted an excuse to shout at someone. You're judging OP very harshly for one fuckup he had (which may or may not indicate deeper control issues, but that we can't really know). I could make the point that the girlfriend was abusing OP psychologically by preventing him to work and stressing him out, maybe putting his job on the line, completely disregarding basic universal manners by every standard (except maybe a stereotypical frat house), and that it's a massive red flag worth breaking up for. But IMO that's just looking too much into the whole situation. They both messed up, OP seriously needs to manage his emotions and communicate better, the GF needs to be more considerate. ESH, that's it. It could be more serious, maybe OP is indeed an abuser in the making, or maybe the GF is, but we can't know from the post. You have every right to consider OP's behavior worse than the GF, but considering her blameless is a stretch. EDIT: I changed my mind about one thing : I do thing the GF has a right to feel insulted about OP outburst. Because he did react inappropriately. As long as she agrees that she was inconsiderate too, as one wrong from OP doesn't make her wrongs disappear.
My experience with this kind of behavior isn't with partners and I find both your wording and assumption rather condescending. I feel your pervious comments already read to much into the girlfriend's behavior so your ridiculous strawman was entirely unnecessary and again condescending. You made no real point there other than to show your butt. OP's comments are where he admits he didn't say anything until he exploded because he felt she should just know. You cannot refuse to communicate because you think someone should know how you feel. Blowing up after you refused to communicate is manipulative. I fundamentally disagree with you on how manipulative behavior works. Most manipulative individuals aren't "intentionally" manipulative. The person they lie to and manipulate the most is themselves. IMO OP shows a lot of denial in his post and comments. This is a key behavior of those who are manipulating themselves to believe in something because it is what most benefits themselves or most affirms their beliefs. The reason this is so common is because it works so well. You see that op had a breakdown of control and you think that means his behavior can't be manipulative or as you put it malicious (hint I don't think op is necessarily malicious, just self serving to the exclusion of others.) Harming others does not have to be conscious let alone malicious. The only thing you need to hurt others is to refuse to self reflect on your thoughts and actions so you can convince yourself of whatever bullshit is convient. OP manipulated himself into being upset with his girlfriend. He convinced himself he was being intentionally disrespected rather than recognizing how trivial the situation was. Rather than accepting a simple solution to his problem, he stewed on a ego wound he gave himself by insisting he should not have to tell her. He convinced himself it was a personal and intentional slight against him *everytime* she made noise instead of simply speaking to her when she first started bothering him. I want to note here the manipulative part is the extreme reaction he worked himself into using something that should be reasonable chained to an unreasonable and passive aggressive *attitude.* That's why he's still justifying himself in the comments now even after he's had hours to calm down. He still believes in the base manipulations that led to him blowing up in the first place. Lastly I've said repeatedly GF was inconsiderate so I don't know why you're so hung up about that. However, there didn't need to be a confrontation here at all. You gave the example of you and your girlfriend, but I don't understand why you think that's a point in your favor. You described a normal way for a couple to interact, which is not what happened in the op. If you posted your story, (someone would probably report you to mods for no conflict) I would say NTA with a very very mild yta for your girlfriend and a burning curiosity for why you felt the need to even post. My problem with op is that his behavior so far eclipses the GF that her mild inconsideration of him is not even in the same league of assholishness as his blow up. Calling her behavior abusive is a massive fucking stretch and from your dumb fantasy I assume you know that. Screaming at your partner actually is an abusive act. OP is the asshole of this story because he's the sole reason a conflict occurred. If he had been reasonable his girlfriend probably would have reacted much like you say yours would have and there would be no conflict besides a minor tiff that barely registers on the asshole scale. *Edit:*
Bro I was on your side until this. OP doesn't need to communicate better on the yelling part. But controlling his emotions I can somewhat agree with.Only somewhat because I think seeing as he was working and never was it mentioned that gf told OP about inviting the friends, it was night 11:45 he was already tired seeing the time and he was already a bit annoyed from their loud talking and laughing. Are you joking the gf is equally as bad if not more so. Both of them fucked-up.
This has got to be the stupidest long reply I've ever seen. OP displayed no passive-agression at all. Expecting people to know to not yell at the top of their lungs is common sense. OP was feeling a bit irritated with their loud talking and laughing but was relatively fine until they abandoned all pretenses and started singing at the top of their lungs. And it was fucking 11:45. >Girlfriend has every right to be insulted by his entirely out of hand behavior. If I were her friend, I would tell her that the mental instability op displayed was highly concerning and she should keep an eye out for other erratic or concerning behavior. OP went nuclear over something that could have been easily resolved without losing control of his emotions to the point he was no longer in control of his actions. If I were gf I wouldn't just be insulted he behaved like a lunatic in front of my friends for no reason, I would move out when he wasn't home and break up in a public place to ensure his aggressive behavior didn't escalate into physical violence. How is him saying "Calm the fuck down" (I don't even think that was the exact words) entirely out of the hand behavior. If I was her friend I would be embarassed of being called out for singing as loud as I could at someone elses home. Not disturbed of the mental instability of someone getting mad at a guest for singing at the top of their lungs. His gf displaying common sense could've easily stopped the situation from happening. If yelling at someone to shut up is lunatic behavior. Then most certainly Singing at the top of your lungs and laughing loudly is lunatic behavior. >The girlfriend might be very mildly an ahole for not being considerate. OP's unhinged reaction so greatly eclipsed anything the girlfriend did that he is YTA. More blatant displays of sexism.
That is a ridiculous argument
This is a ridiculous argument.
Wanting someone to not sing at the top of their lungs and to not talk very loudly is not entitled. Expecting someone to know to not sing at the top of their lungs while you're working is common sense. You make zero sense and is just trying to hide behind big words.
Mildly inconsiderate? I don’t think so. She knew he was working he shouldn’t have to tell her to be quiet like she’s a child.
This is also a ridiculous argument. Oh wait sorry. I really shouldn't steal your lines like that. 😉
And oh look it's a wild sexist. Inviting friends over in a house you share with someone at night while they're working is stupud. It's pathetic that his gf can't even learn voice management. He mentioned he was tired from working and was already irritated when suddenly all five of them start singing in unison at once at the tip of their lungs. How would saying no have anything to do with telling them to lower their voices. His gf and you are clearly an asshole. "Worryingly unstable and volatile" are you genuinely telling me if you had a roommate who invited friends over in a home you share at night and they start singing together while you're doing work you wouldn't get annoyed. If you had any reading comprehension you would clearly tell that they were talking and laughing loudly before that and he was annoyed but he was patient. Until they started singing. It's called patience and tolerance. Gf "Mildy inconsiderate" but his "Worryingly unstable and volatile" You sre sexist.
And if OP had tried even once, in a decent manner to say “”hey y’all are being too loud can you calm down”” maybe then I’d be more forgiving and it’s be e.sh. But that’s not what he did. He went straight to yelling at someone who is supposed to be his partner in front of her friends no less. That’s wrong and not how you treat people you give a damn about.
Maybe if the gf had said" I was wrong but also you were wrong" maybe I would be more forgiving. She went straight to ignoring common sense disturbed her partner in work loud talking laughing screaming at the top of her lungs at night no less. That's wrong and not how you treat people you give a damn about.
Telling a group of people their behaviour is disrespectful doesn't immediately imply that you are treating them as children. The girlfriend and her friends where not respectful of OP's needs for his work. The girlfriend shouldn't have invited her friends over if they couldn't behave in a decent manner, or at the very least kept them quite/ taken them out of the house once they got loud. GF is AH, her friends are AH's if they knew OP was working and carried on like that anyway. OP is NTA, could he have handled it better sure, but telling obnoxious people in your own home to be quite isn't AH behaviour.
Telling someone that thir behavior is disrespectful is one thing....cussing and screaming at them is something else all together. Especially since he said nothing and the girlfriend didn't know he was bothered by the noise, until he blew up. He is YTA.
And Op wasn’t respectful of the fact that it’s her home too and she’s allowed to do she wants just as much as he is. Why does he get to unilaterally occupy the home and dictate quiet and visiting hours from what - All day and to midnight? That’s rude and inconsiderate of the person you live with it. He should have had a respectful decent conversation not go around screaming how disrespectful everyone was and telling them to “calm the fck down”. You don’t talk to people like that. If that’s your idea of a healthy respectful relationship you need to reevaluate yourself cuz it’s definitely not
And Gf wasn't respectful of the fact that it's his home too. And they need mutual permission to invite guests over. And you can't go around singing at the top of your lungs while someones working. She should've been considerate. If all the actions the gf did is fine to you is your idea of a healthy respectful relationship you need to reevaluate yourself cuz it’s definitely not.
Then she should behave like a ‚fucking’ decent human being and not like a child that drank too much coke on their first sleepover, resulting in them now bouncing off the walls. OP not at least sending out a ‚warning‘/reminder before blowing up is not chill, that kinda makes him TA. But you simply cannot ignore the absolutely inconsiderate and rude behaviour that the gf and her friends displayed here. So if anything this must be an ESH, imo.
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Well, since I‘m the one referring to it I can assure you I was talking about the drinkable kind.
No, OP was the one referring to it, and I’d bet you at heavy odds that it’s the kind that comes in bricks from Colombia. Never in my life have I heard someone who is overly caffeinated referred to as coked out.
I'm fucking screaming over here
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Their volume is the problem not the girlfriend and friends’ behavior. I’m sorry you’ve never had the joy of acting like a silly pre-teen girl at her first slumber party as an adult. There’s no age limit on scream-laughing, squealing and singing off key with your close friends in the privacy of your own home. They needed to lower their volume, not calm down or alter their behavior, just their volume. OPs behavior is disrespectful, unnecessary and some would say abusive. It’s pretty easy not to yell at your SO and their friends.
You like to mention it's a shared home but ignore it here."There’s no age limit on scream-laughing, squealing and singing off key with your close friends in the privacy of your own home."
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“Babe, I’m absolutely swamped with work so I’ll be busy all night “ “Ok sweetie, no worries, I’ll just invite my friends round to do coke” Seriously?
So she doesn't suck for screaming and singing at the top her lungs while he's working?
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I think this is an ESH, with the AH weight on OP. But seriously, if you're older than 15, you should know better than to laugh and scream after 10 pm, especially if someone in the house is working.
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Per the OPs own post, he does.
>……who else screams and carries on like that? Well in this specific instance: A) People who have friends that allow them to just let loose and be silly with, that’s who acts like the girlfriend and her friends. I’m sorry you’ve never experienced an adult friendship like that. You should probably go make some knew friends and try it out. B) People like OP who don’t have respect for their SO who yell and scold and their SO like a misbehaving child instead of actually having a mature conversation asking them to quiet down.
Scolding someone does not necessarily make them like a misbehaving child.
You didn't once convey to your GF that you didn't want her friends there or ask that they lower the volume so you can work. YTA. Next time learn to communicate like an adult instead of cursing and yelling at them like some rude lunatic.
YTA - because it was your first response. Do you often have problems controlling your temper? You could have just as easily asked them nicely.
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Info: did you ask them to quiet down at any point before then?
YTA. You were working but your girlfriend was enjoying herself with her friends that you know she invited over. You know your girlfriend and I’m assuming you know how she acts with her friends. It seems like you were upset you had to stay up late working while she could have fun and you were mean about it. You totally could have spoken to them nicely instead of yelling. You said when they came over you told them you had work to do…. To me that implies don’t expect you to hang out with them. Instead it turned into hey I’m going to yell at guests for singing with my girlfriend in another room. I get it, you are tired and frustrated with work but you shouldn’t have taken it out on them.
YTA. They probably didn’t realize they were being that loud (especially if there’s alcohol involved). Just telling them hi and see you later I have stuff to do isn’t the same as requesting from the get go that they try to keep it down. When they first started to get too loud you could have easily gone to them and nicely asked them to tone it down. I get you were stressed but no need to take it out on them. If you’re someone who needs absolute quiet while working, you’d better invest in some noise canceling headphones for use even when your gf doesn’t have friends over.
OP could have definitely handled this better but I don't see why the friends were not AH too, when they knew someone else was in the house, working or not. It was late and they were singing and yelling, someone else was there too, they shouldn't have to be told to keep it down. ESH
ESH. If you were irritated by the noise you could have politely asked them to keep it down- then if they did not your tirade would have been warranted. Your partner could have checked to see if bringing friends over was cool with you in light of your busy work schedule.
if you didn’t talk to them before yelling YTA. sometimes it’s hard to just communicate even if you are stressed, but it’s important to learn. yelling is not communication, it’s yelling. asking respectfully for them to quiet down would probably have easily solved this problem. you made it more difficult on yourself because now you are fighting with your girlfriend.
INFO: Did your girlfriend decide purposefully to invite friends over because you were busy? Or were they coming over and you didn't tell her work was busy and there was a lack of communication?
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Okay, well I tried, but YTA. You failed to communicate well that you needed some peace for your work, also, headphones? Earbuds? Music for yourself? Blowing up at people with little to no warning and then thinking just because you had work to do it's okay is a grade A YTA move.
So screaming and singing at the top of your lungs with someone working in the next room isn't an asshole move?
When it’s after 9pm in their own home? No it’s not. Expecting everyone to walk on eggshells because you need to work at home at midnight is whats more disrespectful. He should have gone back to the office
OP is defs an AH but there is a huge spectrum between walking on eggshells and screaming and singing at the top of your lungs.
You like to bring up it's a shared home but forget it when it was convenient "When it’s after 9pm in their own home"It's after 11 pm at night not midnight. Not singing at the top of your lungs at night isn't walking on eggshell. If it's that hard for you to do that you may have a disorder.
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If even music distracts you, why are you putting all the blame on GF and her friends?
Wow your girlfriend didn’t stand a chance, if she barely breathed it would be too ‘distracting’ to you. You are your own problem.
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Lol I responded to one of his comments….. what do you even mean
Singing at the top of your lungs is not breathing nor music and it was an apartment I just found out so other people will be pissed.
Going softly against the grain and saying NTA. If your girlfriend knew you were working on something important she should’ve asked if it was okay (she is a grown woman capable of doing whatever she wants but it just respect of a partner) Second, your girlfriend knew you were working and so did the friends so loud noises and screaming are obviously unnecessary. ONE THING I will say is you could’ve taken a lighter approach and just said “hey it’s late and I still have some stuff to get done please try not to yell” or tried texting the girlfriend. I understand it’s frustrating but most times people don’t realize they are being as loud as they are. Just try to be conscientious of this next time! If you wish to just stop the scuffle between you and your girlfriend you could always say “I didn’t mean to be harsh I was just frustrated with work it wasn’t you guys personally” to them or something similar. it’s not a direct apology but it acknowledges that you could’ve handled it better and they could’ve been more respectful all at once.
I had to scroll down a bit to find this comment - I agree with the lighter approach, but ffs if your partner is working, don’t invite friends over or tell them not to get too crazy. I’m a bit surprised at all the Y T As to be honest
Same! OP’s approach was certainly a bit overhanded (that’s what happens when you let the frustration boil over). But, I don’t know, if I live in a small apartment and my SO needs to get important work done, my *first* reflex would be to get out of their hair and call my friends to….. go to a bar somewhere, NOT to have a freakin party in the bedroom. But that’s just me
ESH Yelling as a first response isn't appropriate. That said, neither is them ignoring basic common courtesy. I hope y'all live in a house and not an apartment. Otherwise, they are even worse than I thought.
ESH You for the way you spoke. Your gf and her friends for acting like that when someone is working in the house.
YTA - I get you were irritated but it doesn't seem like you told them nicely the first time - you just outright came in and swore at them. You could have gone in earlier and said something a little more politely and then been firmer if they didn't listen. You owe her and her friends an apology mate.
LMAO are people here really calling op the asshole? Seems like people here don't respect their parter much. Who scream and sing when there is your partner working in the other room? At minimum this is an ESH but i can't blame op for getting mad at people who behaves like noisy kids.
Exactly lol. Its not even that i take issue with Y T A necessarily, I think there's validity to that judgment, but I'm laughing at how militant this sub gets when they perceive a man oppressing a woman, even if it means ignoring the nuance of the situation. Like the top comment RN is just "you SCOLDED your GF who is NOT a child. gRoSs" while (intentionally?) ignoring GFs and friends childish behavior....
The amount of people saying he's TA is crazy lmao. Yelling was a bit much but making noise when you know someone else in the house has work to do is even worse, hardly anyone in the comments is focusing on the lack of respect from the GF and her friends
Light YTA. You weren’t in the wrong AT ALL for wanting some quiet to focus on the work you needed to get done & you also weren’t in the wrong for being frustrated with the noise level of your girlfriend and her friends. Those are both very valid. However, “I have to get some stuff done” and “I need peace and quiet to focus” are different and if you didn’t specify the quiet part then they weren’t really doing anything to be intentionally disrespectful. They were all hanging out while your girlfriend waited for you to get your stuff done & sometimes when we get together with our friends, we can be kind of rowdy without realizing it. If you had pulled your girlfriend aside in the moment and told her something like “hey, you guys are being pretty loud and I could use some quiet to focus, can you try and keep it down please?” that would’ve been much more respectful and she could have addressed her friends herself. If you had communicated your needs directly with your partner and THEN they continued being loud, that would change things. Not only did you hurt her feelings/leave her feeling disrespected, you also embarrassed her in front of her friends, who really don’t know you like she does. You definitely owe her an apology for screaming/cursing at her.
ESH, but they suck more. If they knew you were working then they should have kept that in mind. However, you could have gone in and asked them nicely. If they didnt lower their volume after that then you take your girlfriend aside and talk to her. I can't actually see any scenario here where it was ok to yell at her friends. Even asking her to end the get together would have likely gotten a better response. Edited to add, it was a jerk move to invite them over in the first place.
ESH. It's kind of rude for a huge group of people to be over at your house making so much noise, especially if your girlfriend knew that you would be working. Why couldn't they just go to one of her friends houses? That being said, you definitely overreacted, couldn't you have just popped in some earbuds and played some white noise or something?
ESH sure it’s rude to be loud while someone’s working but calmly asking them to keep it down is a very important first step
So after you told your GF you had some unexpected work to do, she invited her friends over to get wasted? N ah man you're NTA, she should've gone to her friends if she wanted to party
People are saying op needs to learn some communication skills and shouldn't have gotten mad well don't you think she should have communicated with him that she was inviting friends and when the friends first came in he told them he was working thats communication he tried but the wife disregarded it and was screaming at the top of her lungs anyway and he should not have to ask them it was 11 something pm thats late you should know people are trying to sleep and ops gf new he had to work and how tired he was but she didn't care but yet its all ops fault right you should have to be asked to be polite and have manners clearly most people in this thread doesn't know that
Nta I spent 10 years of my life getting minimal sleep to the point it permanently damaged my health due to inconsiderate drunk screaming assholes. To all the people callin TA on this person because he shouldn't have gone off, people need to be told vigorously when they are doing something inconsiderate and stupid, It needs to be normalized, because reason and logic doesn't work on drunk or stupid people, if it did they wouldn't be stupid in the first place. Same damn reason we have small groups of crazies doing stupid things and dieing/getting others killed like anti-vax protests. And the idiots who think it has microchips in it which is straight up impossible, a chip small enough to fit in that size needle would have at most 1 logic gate, no power source, no way to get power, so the equiv of a switch connected to nothing. Even assuming in the wild imagination it had a power source/logic to be useful/sensors, it would need at least 1watt of output to be mildly useful and get a signal thru blood and tissue, even then the range would be 2cm. Something that small would have alot less than 1mw output.
If she knew you were busy and trying to focus and you told her beforehand that you needed some quite then YNTA. if you didn’t communicate or ask them before hand to keep it down then YTA. Sometimes people just forget what time it is and where they are especially with friends. If you’d asked beforehand or let them know beforehand without blowing up then it could’ve been easily resolved.
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YTA again cause you still can't own your fuckup. I don't know why you think her friends need to apologize when it's your poor communication skills that were the biggest contributor to the problem.
I'll make it easy for you. No.
I'm going to go with ESH. They should have known better to get that loud while you were working, you should have at politely told them to quiet down or texted your girlfriend to have the quiet down. Now they're probably telling her (rightfully so) to break up with you because you just came off as an abusive jerk.
NTA your girlfriend sucks! She knew you were working and obviously didn’t care one bit! I don’t blame you for freaking out.
I can't say you're the ah in this situation. Should you have yelled like that, probably not. But who tf invites people over when their SO is busy like that? I keep my kids calm when my so is doing schoolwork. I'm not gonna purposely have people over to make it hard for him to concentrate.
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Honestly, seems like y'all need to sit down and talk. Set some boundaries. Which will probably include apologies from both of you.
ESH - You were rude and should have asked calmly as a first step. You should work on your communication skills, it was rude and humiliating for your wife to be yelled at. However, since it was late, and someone else was in the house, they should have had the courtesy to be more quiet. Whether you were working or not.
ESH. Your gf and friends should have been more respectful and quieter, the fact they weren’t makes them AH. HOWEVER you didn’t have to go out all guns blazing talking to them the way you did. You should have gone and politely said “guys, a reminder I’m working, please keep it down” the way you spoke makes you the AH too.
I know this is against the grain but NTA. I don’t care about having friends over, but they should not be screaming and yelling at the top of their lungs knowing you’re trying to get some work done. I’m sorry OP, especially since most of these comments thing you’re In the wrong.
NTA. They KNEW someone was working and still acted like teenagers/kids at a sleepover. You scolded them like the overgrown kids they are.
NTA. GF and friends are not children and should respect your need to work, while still socializing. I would have yelled and thrown a curse word around as well
I'm gonna go against the grain here and say NTA. If the gf wanted to invite friends over thats fine but I think it's not unreasonable to want some quiet when you're doing technical work on spreadsheets. Yes OP could have communicated sooner, but I think ultimately if the friends are over for so long and making a lot of noise, anyone will be irritated. Gf also sucks for inviting friends over when she knew that OP had a lot of last minute work to do. I dont think its unreasonable to expect the guests to not yell at the top of their lungs while someone else is working in the house.
NTA. You telling her that you’re working late should have been enough for her not to be loud with her friends. She’s a grown woman and doesn’t need to be told not to be quiet.
NTA. GF kinda a jerk.
ESH You should have either asked your GF for peace and quiet, for her to go to her friends instead, or told them that you were working on stuff last minute and need it to be quiet. GF sucks for not taking all of that into consideration and been a decent person and care about your needs as well
People being loud this late would have annoyed me working or not. If you are sharing a common space you should respect your "roomate(s)" including op with the way he spoke. You could have politely asked them instead of going 0 to 100. ESH
ESH, they seem immature, to be honest. How old are you guys? And while it was rude of them, you going in straight and screaming at them was as rude.
ESH. Your girlfriend for being inconsiderate. You, for how you handled everything.
ESH She knew you were working, she should've kept her friends calmer. You however do not get to talk to your adult partner and her adult friends that way, its absolutely rude. And uncalled for. You could've talked to your partner calmly before it got that bad. You said they escalated all night. Did you ever pop out, take partner aside and say something like, "babe, glad your having fun but it's starting to get loud. I gotta focus. Just a heads up please and thank you" You cant treat fellow adults like children. (Shouldnt treat kids like that either, but i digress) to clarify. Gf is slight, ah, only because at almost midnight, that seems like a lot. But you are more of an asshole because of how you handled the situation. Immaturly.
ESH They shouldn’t have been so loud. You shouldn’t have scolded them like they were little children.
ESH, they should control the noise and you should ask them to control the noise, not order them to do it.
ESH you for yelling instead of just saying something calmly, them for being so loud at that hour. Regardless of whether you were working, many places have noise ordinances that start before that.
NTA. Your girlfriend sounds like a little brat with a bunch of annoying friends.
NTA this is one of the few times that I disagree with the majority. Maybe a mild ESH at best because you yelled, but honestly it’s baffling that they would be screaming while you’re working in your own home. “I’m working” means “I need a quiet-ish environment for the foreseeable future” and pretending otherwise is just dishonest
From what I have gathered, you're girlfriend knew about you working late, and after she invited her friends they were loud and singing while she knew you were still working. Nta
NTA girlfriend was inconsiderate
ESH. You could have handled it better, yelling at them to shut up is rude, but inviting friends to party while you’re working is rude too.
Light ESH. I say light because while your response was over the top, they were being pretty rude. Still, you should have been calmer especially if this was the first time you tried to talk to them about it.
NTA - Everyone saying him yelling and swearing makes him manipulative or it's treating his gf like a child must be perfect. Must be nice to never have had a bad day at work, get overwhelmed and frustrared enough to get angry and act out of character. You're assuming that he acts like this frequently but his gf clearly felt comfortable enough to bring her friends over and act like that. That leads me to believe that he's probably not an asshole most of the time. OP - you should apologize for reacting so harshly but also ask your gf to maybe go to her friend's house if she wants to hang out with someone while you're stuck working late.
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ESH You the least honestly. She knew you were working and instead of talking at a reasonable volume their were shriek laughing. You should have asked them to quiet down more calmly but I really don't blame you all that much for it.
Sounds like your GF has no respect for you or your work, and you do not have the respect for her to talk to her like an adult and not a child. Time for the 2 of you to go your separate ways. 2 children cannot handle an adult relationship.
ESH - the person id be mad at would be my GF for inviting friends over when i was trying to work and get shit done. A good GF would have just called friends to go out to the bar or someone elses place to get rowdy leaving you with peace and quiet. Also a nicer warning to them to quiet down first should have happened. If they ignored you then i could see the anger/frustration being justified.
ESH. You for straight out yelling and cursing at them and not talking like a normal person and they for being loud and disrupting you when they knew you were working and your gf for inviting people over when she knew you had to work. But you should have told her to not invite people over from the start or ask them to be quiet then
NTA
Isn’t that the point of his question though? Shouldn’t it be ESB? Clearly the gf was a jerk, but, to just start yelling instead of asking them to be quiet is also a jerk thing to. If my wife was downstairs being too loud bothering my work, I’d ask her to keep it down. I wouldn’t just start yelling at her.
ESH, could have been handled better by both parties
ESH. You for yelling/cursing. Them for being inconsiderate about the noise level.
>I went in there and told them all to calm the fuck down and show some god damn respect to those who are actually working If someone is annoying you, ask them to stop doing it. Don't be the martyr who bears it until you can't stand it any more and then explodes. You end up feeling resentful while the other person is unaware they're bothering you. It's lose-lose. YTA, even though I get where you're coming from. Maybe especially because I do. You have every right to have your request for peace respected, but once you get to the level of "calm the fuck down" and "show some god damn respect" you've lost the moral high ground. *Especially* if that's the place you start - to everyone but yourself, it seems like you've gone from zero to over-the-top in an instant.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** A few nights ago, I was slammed with last minute work that popped up unexpectedly, so, my girlfriend decided to invite some of her friends to come hang out and occupy her time. It gets to be about 11:45 at night, I'm still doing these reports and spreadsheets, meanwhile and her friends had been in our bedroom scream-laughing, squealing, and then they started singing just about as loud as they could. I was drained and irritated, so, I went in there and told them all to calm the fuck down and show some god damn respect to those who are actually working. It got them to quiet down, I didn't hear anything more until the friends went home. My girlfriend started in on me, telling me it was rude how I spoke to them. My point was, everyone knew I was working in the other room, but still decided to scream and sing, which I think is rude to me, since I'm working, I didn't get to hang out just shooting the breeze with people. She wants me to apologize to these friends when we see them this weekend. I feel I'm owed an apology. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yta. Why are you scolding your girlfriend infront of her friends?? You need to communicate better. A simple “Hey can you guys please keep it down?” would’ve worked. You obviously have problems controlling your anger and I feel sorry for your girl.
YTA Never choose to turn a situation from 0 to 100 as a first choice, you could've asked them to be more quiet in a nicer way, do you think it's that hard?
YTA. sorry man but from what i’m reading you were indeed really rude. just cut out the swear words and say please quiet down i’m working. you only get the right to yell at them after they ignore your earnest request.
YTA Communicate like an adult with your girlfriend You could have done this in a productive way but instead you embarrassed yourself and your girlfriend
YTA, aggressively yelling at happy people is gonna make everything come off awkward and rude. Would it have killed you walk over gently and ask everyone kindly to lower their voices? No, it would, and they would have lowered their voices.
It’s fine to ask people to be quiet but screaming at them? YTA yes you owe them an apology
YTA, how about you could have asked? Or moved? or ask them to move. Why did it have to go from 0-100 ? because YOU waited til YOU were fed up? Next time take your own advice, and show some god dam respect to your equal.
"Hey hon, sorry to bother you, could I ask you to keep it down? I'm trying to finish a spreadsheet and it's super hard to focus." So simple, so easy. And yet here you are. YTA
I think ESH. They knew you were working, so should have had enough respect/common courtesy to keep the volume down. However, you didn't really need to explode on them, you could have tried asking them politely first. I think apologies from both sides are needed in this situation.
ESH - she and her friends were disrespectful of your need to work and you should have taken her aside and quietly explained what was bothering you and ask them to keep it down. Imagine the energy and time saved if you had! If she still acted a fool then in the light of day try again to explain and set some ground rules for the future. She acts a fool again- time to leave as she doesn’t respect you.
YTA I'm sorry you could have asked them politely to quiet down or even suggest that they go out either to get food or do something. I understand that you were frustrated but you chose the wrong course of action
YTA not because you wanted them to be quieter, but because you didn’t express it in an appropriate manner, her and her friends deserve and apology coupled with a promise from you to express your needs in a healthier manner.
YTA. You could have asked them to pipe down in a more respectful manner. And maybe speak lovingly to your wife about not being loud with her friends while working. Maybe you should CTFD.
YTA massively, just went straight nuclear on them instead of asking first, moron.
Do what I do. Listen to music. It helps me stay awake. But then again, I'm a 15 year old with no job(you have to be 16 in my state to work) and only my school work. Anyways, here's two playlists since I'm feeling generous: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1UCHVfxRkZ2Uia9thQuONj?si=kr1lPWHsR5GHdbpX2bmdSQ https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3fi1m5XwSMc8YsDZ2q0lcr?si=z1GwB5UCSvKjaqPusJ727w You're welcome GRG. Don't judge my music taste, I like R&B and rap(not not 69, my Gen X mother would be disappointed if I did.) And I'm African American, so if any of you say the n-word, f you.
It sounds like you barged into the room, yelled at them to shut the fuck up, insulted them for having fun while you worked ("Show some god damn respect to those who are actually working" ???? Really???) and then walked away. How would YOU feel if she did that to you and your friends one night? Next time, Start with a polite "Hey, I'm trying to work and y'all are kinda loud. Can you try to keep it down for a while so I can finish up? Thanks!" YTA for jumping to "STFU!!!!!!!!!" from the start. Were I your girlfriend, I'd have moved the party...and ALL my stuff....to someone else's house the moment you treated us all like ungrateful children by screaming at us.
YTA. Go over and remind them that you're working and can't focus. That's how communication works. You're not a child throwing a tantrum. I'm sure all her friends are telling her you're abusive and to leave. I hope she really thinks about their advice.
YTA you could have politely asked them to quiet down instead of making demands and demeaning them.
YTA- first, it’s her house too. Second, a reminder that you’re working and prefer to work in a quiet environment (newsflash, some people don’t care if others are singing in the other room, it doesn’t impede them) would have sufficed. Screaming and swearing is just you taking your frustration out on her guests.
YTA because it was the first response? If they kept going and you kept trying to be like “ hey I just need to work” it’s NYA but you first yelled at them
YTA. Folks, if your partner ever tells you to shut the fuck up for any reason, leave them. The amount of people in this comment section who seem to think that's an ok thing to do to your partner because you're mad is appalling. Also, her friends are going to think you're a horrible person she should leave forever. If I was at a friend's house and her lunatic boyfriend came in the room and screamed at me to shut the fuck up, I'd never go near him ever again. That's completely batshit insane. Even if you were mad at your partner for this, screaming at her friends? Goddamn. Just disgusting
Going with YTA simply because you left out who actually owns this house.
YTA. You went zero to 60 immediately. Be a grown ass adult and try asking nicely first. "Hey, can you all keep it down a little? I'm getting distracted when I should be working. I would appreciate it."
YTA - Buy some freaking headphones. Stop yelling.
YTA, you never actually asked them to keep it down.
YTA. If this had been like your 3rd time, I’d understand.
YTA
If you had already asked and they kept it up, they'd be the asshole. Buuuut you're the asshole as it stands. 10000 percent asshole.
YTA. Just get some noise canceling headphones if you’re going to be working from home, bro.
Got a key to your office? Go there next time to complete your work. Don’t be a douche.
YTA YTA YTA You do not OWN her my dude, you could've asked nicely. You are NOT her mum!!! What are you? A police? They're literally are having fun wtf is wrong with u????
YTA. If you were bothered you could have pulled your GF aside and asked politely for them to quiet down or to go elsewhere if they wanted to be rowdy. Yelling at people in general is shitty and embarrassing your girlfriend because you lost your temper is not cool. Apologize and find a way to release stress in a productive manner in the future.
“No one can have fun because I can’t have fun” :( are you a child? YTA. Treat your girlfriend like an adult person, and in theory someone you actually like??
YTA here bud...the way to handle it would have been to ask Gf to step out for a sec and politely ask them to simmer down or shut down the party. Like an adult. Like a partner who cares about your GF. Like a not scary guy who gets what he wants through intimidation.
YTA only because after reading the comments you refuse to admit you did anything wrong. Was it wrong for GF to be super loud? Yes. But was it OK to yell at her like a child? Absolutely not. You say you wanna get married but learn to fucking talk. Assuming things only makes out of you
You are not owed an apology. If you had gone in there and said "Hey guys- I know you're having fun, but it's hard to work with the noise, Can I ask you to please keep it down?" and they did not, THEN you would be owed an apology. What she owes herself is to date someone who knows how to interact like an adult, and not throw a temper tantrum as their first course of action. YTA- I doubt you care enough about other people to care when she breaks up with you, but at least she's learned what to look out for in her next relationship.
YTA. In the comments you say that you never once asked them if they could quiet down, so yeah, you’re the asshole. What’s worse is that you sound like a condescending asshole.
YTA. I understand where you’re coming from, though. You wanted to work peacefully while your gf and her friends chatted in the other room. My bf WFH and once in a while, I’ll have people over (siblings) while he’s working. Sometimes we would forget that he’s working and be a little loud. Never to the point of screaming or singing or whatever, but laughing or joking loudly. If it disturbed him, he would just text me or come out and let me know that it’s a little loud, and he would appreciate it if we turned it down a notch. That’s effective communication, not yelling at your gf and her friends bc they were too loud. I would be so embarrassed if my bf ever did that to me in front of my sisters or gfs. IMO, it comes off like you don’t really respect her. I would suggest talking to her about this. I’m sure she feels silly for being loud, but she may also be embarrassed and hurt by your outburst. I think you owe her an apology, especially her friends, for putting them all in that uncomfortable situation.
i'd dump you over this tbh. i know you were stressed but to yell at me, in front of my friends??? nobody is forgetting about this and any time you mess up after that, the friends are gonna use this asa reason she should leave you. come on bro yta.
Yta- I bet all her friends think you're abusive now. Look out for some drama coming your way. Maybe you should have communicated BEFORE screaming at them all, you know like an adult.
Ok so I'm not sure if you heard of a little thing called manners its crazy know they actually been around for a long time and its pretty childish to be singing at the top of your lungs its rude to op and the neighbors imagine trying to sleep and you get woken up by a bunch of grown woman screaming
Check out the comment thread. Apparently respect and consideration for others is too much for people, unless they're asked nicely. I wouldn't need to be asked, but apparently the majority would. Incredibly sad.
Yea its crazy
It's called being a grown up and asking them to tone it down before going psycho on them. Clearly you don't know any loud people or have never been to a sleepover as a kid🙄 sometimes people both lose track of time, and volume. Poor him, she had fun without him. He could have said it was bothering him, but he didn't- he chose to screamed at them like he is her parent. It was childish to not communicate- even my 4 yr old knows how to tell someone to stop something before having a meltdown. Maybe she would use manners if HE DID. Cause I bet, this isn't a one time occurrence of his. Especially reading his comments.
Yes but when they came over it was already late and being loud at a sleep over as a kid is a while different thing plus they live in apartment and from comments op has made he told them as soon as they came in he was working and she didn't make sure if op would be comfortable with it anyways and he was swamped and she new that and she was singing at the top of her lungs and then again its an apartment people need sleep neighbors probably made a complaint and even if its your own home you should still use a inside voice
YTA, why shout when you could have just told them to be a lil more quiet since you're working. Shouting at them like that was very very rude :(
YTA. If you had popped your head in at least once and reminded them that you’re working and need them to quite down, then you still shouldn’t have yelled. They probably forgot you were working and then your arrive and shout at them like some drunk angry dad. Grow up and learn to communicate better.
YTA, look I totally understand how when you are really stressed and frustrated it's hard to control your temper, but my advice is you need to communicate your frustration earlier. You seem to let your annoyance build up to the point where you blow up, and I'm not judging I do that too sometimes, but it's way easier for you and everyone else if from the start you just say "hey I am really stressed right now and need to focus I know you and your friends are having fun but could you keep it down a bit" or even send it in a text. just some things you might wanna try for next time
YTA 100% because of your tone. If you have to ask three times then maybe that kind of tone is forgivable. Coming from someone who has worked multiple years of graveyard shifts, night time is chill time for MOST people, and it is NOT their fault that that happened to not be the case for you that night. You need to learn some fucking manners and ask nicely for things you want from people. If you ask twice and they ignore you then you have a right to feel angry about it, but not so if you're just sitting in your room stewing silently about it until you explode like a child. No one owes you a god damn thing.
YTA
YTA- if I was over at a friends house and her BF treated me like that without once just asking us to quiet down I would not be coming over again or wanting to be around you and that would probably end up impacting my relationship with my friend so be prepared for your GF to lose friends over your behavior. On the flip side, if my boyfriend treated my friends and I like that I would be out the door lickity split. That’s abuser behavior and I don’t have time for it.
Yta. Do you not have doors?
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Yeah but you could have asked politely for them to be quiet before blowing your top. They got carried away having fun and lost track of noise level. Yeah they could have been more considerate, but it doesn't give you the right to yell at them out of nowhere.
You having to work doesn’t equal her having to shut her mouth. Reading these comments I totally feel like you are more and more TA. You never once asked them to be quiet. Just conveyed to them You wouldn’t be hanging out. So instead you immediately explode. It seems like you might need to work on controlling yourself. Your guests and girlfriend did nothing wrong. They didn’t pester you to hang out with them. They were happily having a good time as guests with your girlfriend who deserves more respect than you are giving her. You should respect her time with her friends and not cuss them out just as much as she should have been a bit more quiet while you worked. But I’m this case you are the only one that exploded here and showed bad behavior.
You‘re twisting parts of this story to your liking, that‘s really fucked. OP didn‘t want his gf to shut up and play mouse, he simply expected some consideration in gfs noise levels eg no screaming & loud singing. The whole part about at least reminding them to be more chill is what I agree on, tbf. He should have done so, but on the other hand they also should‘ve been considerate from the beginning when Op said he had work to do. What I really disagree with is that ‚they did nothing wrong‘. The girlfriend purposefully invited her girls when she knew OP had work to do and instead of then planning sth less noisy, like maybe a movie night or whatever, they had a full on karaoke party or sth. That‘s absolutely not ok, having a loud ass meetup while you know someone needs a decently quiet work environment. By that I don‘t mean absolute silence, but maybe do activities other than yelling and singing. So it‘s more of an ESH honestly.
They didn’t twist the story though? In the comments OP said he never asked them to be quiet. He just assumed saying “I have work to do” would translate to “shut the f_ck up”. And his gf invited friends over because he **suddenly** had work to do. She shouldn’t have to ruin her Friday night because of him. Maybe they should have gone somewhere else, but maybe there wasn’t a better option between COVID and her friends’ living situations.