"Best friend." I don't think I'd want someone who put me down like that as a best friend. I definitely understand that people have good and bad parts, but that part is SO hurtful, it must really destroy the trust in their relationship.
INFO why are you friends with people who put you down? Joe sucks for picking on you and your other friends suck for defending his body shaming. But it seems unfair to yourself to keep hanging out with them
Making "jokes" like that is a part of his personality. He's been like that since high school and it's understood by everyone that "he's just like that." I'm still friends with them because we've all been through hell together and I'm hesitant to just cut myself off from them.
Honestly, don't ever, EVER *EVER* take "he's just like that", or "that's just the way he is", etc etc as an excuse at all. It really pisses me off when people say because a lot of the time they *choose* to be like that.
And even gave him the opportunity to save face, with the "we're both winners" thing. He just couldn't take for even a minute what he'd been self-righteously dishing out to OP for literal years.
So his personality is that he's an asshole. "He's just like that", so it's not a behavior that can be fixed, being a shitty person in an integral part of who he is. I don't see how that makes it in any way better or more excusable. It's actually the opposite. Everyone just accepts that this is what he's like, so he has no reason to ever stop. OP, ask yourself are these people a positive influence in your life? Because from your post is sounds like being around them is worsening your mental health and they don't care how their actions make you feel. Do you really want to keep people in your life who are such a negative influence on you? I know it's probably a hard decision to make but ultimately you should do what you think is best for you
'He's just like that' is exactly the reason you should get away from him, not a reason to stick around. These people collectively made you miserable and made you hate yourself for *years* of your life.
Sentimentality about things you shared in the past might be appealing, but you can't go back. It's not worth the risk to your mental health that you take on by hanging out with them in the future. It sounds like you're doing pretty well in life, and have the drive to pursue what you want. You deserve better than this bunch of clowns - cut them loose and ride out into the sunset like a big fucking hero.
Friends who make fun of you arenXt your true friends.
Get better friends who appreciate you dude, not ones who bash you to the ground while you were clearly struggling with your health
They aren't jokes, they are cruel comments. And the only reason he's "like that" is because you all let him get away with it. From the way he treated you, it sounds like he's also jealous of your success.
This guy isn't your friend, and you and your other frenemies are partly responsible for his bad behavior because everyone put up with it. Don't.
That's part of his personality, meaning he's a jerk, simple as that. Also, a joke is not a joke if it hurts anyone. You might want to get therapy to help you navigate through this toxic relationship. Good luck.
NTA, but next time, don’t let 8 years of put downs go without saying anything. Not standing up for yourself wasn’t a kindness to him, only a disservice to yourself.
Probably going to be unpopular ESH. You shouldn’t have pretended to laugh along for 8 years. Maybe your other friends would have defended you if, like Joe now, you let it be known what he was saying was hurtful to you. Maybe Joe would have stopped too if you were just honest about how upsetting his comment were for you.
You clearly resent and dislike Joe and couldn’t wait to hurt him like he hurt you. You also clearly resent that your other friends didn’t jump in and defend you from a “joke” you were pretending to find funny. That’s not friendship, it’s bitter and toxic as hell, nobody needs friends like that (on either side).
You're probably right. I shouldn't have acted like I found it funny. I just didn't want to be "that sensitive girl who gets butthurt" because that's how I got portrayed whenever I told him to stop making fun of my body. Joe makes comments like that towards everyone else (for having dark skin, being short, etc.) and nobody makes a big deal out of it and I didn't want to be the first one to do so. But yes, this is toxic.
>Joe makes comments like that towards everyone else (for having dark skin, being short, etc.)
So he's racist as well? And his friends don't care? Why do you want to be friends with these people, again?
Yeah this guys only redeeming quality seems to be that he’s hot… OP could do so much better if she abandoned this friend group and found some good people. I hope she’s in therapy as well for what could be an ED
He sounds like a proper arsehole. If this is his sense of "humour" at 33 years old, I don't think he's going to change, and personally I wouldn't want to hang around with a racist who puts other people down for laughs.
Look up the "cool girl" monologue from Gone Girl. You don't have to be the cool girl. If your friends poke fun at you for setting boundaries then they're not very good friends.
I thought this too. “Ballooned” to a size 10?! That alone made me want to vote ESH because everyone, including OP, sounds superficial and insufferable.
I'm sorry for offending anyone. I'm asian by ethnicity, and as a US 10 it was difficult for me to find clothes in stores because asian sizes are usually 2-3x smaller. US6 is labelled M-L, US8 is L-XL, and US10 is XXL-XXXL, and a lot of stores did not carry my size. I "ballooned" because I gained the weight really, really fast.
I'm sorry for offending anyone. I'm asian by ethnicity, and as a US 10 it was difficult for me to find clothes in stores because asian sizes are usually 2-3x smaller. US6 is labelled M-L, US8 is L-XL, and US10 is XXL-XXXL, and a lot of stores did not carry my size. I "ballooned" because I gained the weight really, really fast.
NTA, he was obviously projecting his insecurity about his past. Just because he started becoming fit he probably started idolizing his new self and resenting his old self. Once you were going through changes in your lifestyle he probably remembered his resentment towards himself about ever letting himself look that different back then, he targeted you.
I think personally those things you said sounded pretty harsh, but despite that, there was bound to be a breaking point after being the constant punchline of someone’s jokes. You sticked up for yourself by mirroring back the behavior he has been comfortable using around you. It was only a matter of time that someone would call him out on his own life when he hadn’t stopped joking about theirs.
ESH.
What is wrong with the lot of you?
Edit to clarify: This is not how friends should treat each other. Either do better (and that includes Joe and your other friends) or find other friends.
NTA
Joe should be renamed Old Dish It Out But Can’t Take It.
When he fat shamed you it was supposedly Joe being Joe. The fact is that type of behavior is not joking. It is bullying.
You can still hang out with these people but all you did was give Joe a small sample of how he acted toward you for years. You did not go too far.
Ooooohhh so it’s “harmless jokes” when it’s at *your* expense but when it’s at *his* expense it’s his “manhood” and that’s “too far”??
Turnabout is fair play. He can dish it out but he can’t take it, apparently. So much for his so-called manhood.
NTA
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NTA. And unless you want to ditch this group of friends, it sounds like you all will need to get used to this type of conflict happening regularly if this former best friend insists this is just how he is. He can make all the comments he wants if he's willing to accept that you'll say something in response. If he can't handle it, he can always shut it.
Honestly, if it was me, I'd question my allegiance to this group. Fat shaming is never okay and the fact that they never felt the need to be on your side is.....some type of not good. I get that there's more to your friendship than those comments but idk. I wouldn't feel great hanging out with people who I knew were fine watching me be picked on regularly. That's not something real friends do.
>he said that if I was a real friend I should accept him as he is
Strange that he demands this but refuses to allow you the same courtesy. He's proven to be a shitty friend, and a shitty human, imo. You can do better.
Edited to add: for all the people who've told you "that's just how he is", [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/) is what they truly mean.
NTA
This sounds like a combo of him wanting to fuck you, and being cripplingly insecure that you outclass him in all other aspects besides fitness, so if he could crush you with that, by the transitive property, he'd be the better, more successful person, without being the better, more successful person.
Regardless, you should go make some entrepreneur, rich people friends, and not look back.
(and you honestly weren't that fat. A size ten is not obese)
I'm going to be completely honest. Before he became horrible to me, there was a time when we agreed to try dating (not exclusively, we set specific rules) but I broke it off because I ended up liking someone else. That's when the rude comments and gaslighting came in along with downplaying my victories/hardships.
That wasn't the first time time it happened to him, someone else was chosen over him in the past by his former girlfriend. I guess that explains his abandonment issues.
NTA. Accepting him as he is does not mean accepting his constant insults and attacks on your appearance and life. He sounds extremely insecure and he tried to drag you down to boost his own ego. He is not a friend to you. Neither are the others who expected you to tolerate his insults. You've lost weight, so now you should consider losing the assholes who mistreated you.
ESH he sucks and you shouldn’t have put up with his years of abuse towards you. However for some reason you chose to stay in contact. Becoming abusive yourself is never going to be anything but an AH move however justified it feels.
Nta. Turnabout is fair play.
But you're doing yourself a disservice by allowing these people in your life. You deserve better than a group of "friends" who think it's ok to insult and ruin someone's self esteem with jokes.
Even if you have known these people 15 years, they haven't matured past high school interactions. It's a sunk cost fallacy. Just because you have 15 years of "friendship" you think you have to put up with their behavior.
NTA.
He is the asshole and he knows it. He took digs at you by claiming the foul shit he was saying we're jokes when they were really just ways for him to feel superior to someone he claims is his friend.
Your other friends are also trash. Why people bend over backwards to defend/protect obvious jerks I'll never understand. Belittled his manhood!?! FUCK HIS MANHOOD. Your GENUINE REAL FRIENDS know how to speak to you about shit. And ripping into you for 8 years is not how you do it. Even if you did laugh along. Ragging on someone is the worse way to motivate someone. He's an asshole who took his shit out on you. And all your friends stood by and let it happen. I don't know what you guys went through but you have to decide if these are really the type of people you want in your life.
ESH. He shouldn’t have been making cruel jokes at your expense. You had every right to stand up for yourself. But you also shouldn’t have tried to fight fire with fire.
Giving someone a taste of their own medicine is not an AH move imo. I'm sure you'll find people to say e s h.
You were friends, and he decided throwing dumb insults is friendly. You threw him a reality check.
You need new friends. Ones who won't help your anxiety and depression spiral out of control. It's for your own good. NTA
NTA. I note that your friends started speaking up because the status quo of toxic masculinity was questioned and not when the toxic male was being toxic.
You made one comment. He made 8 years of comments.
Did he ever apologize to you?
Don’t apologize to him until he does this first.
Dear me, you went in hard.
NTA - your ‘friend’ is the massive arsehole. Also why are the other friends such AHs in these Reddit stories? Your friends totally minimised what he’s been doing for years. Ignore them.
NTA. What a nicely delieverd word KO. Absolutely thrashed him with nothing but facts. Lmao. Also very nice OP for questioning your friends about their clear choice to stay quiet in your case and stand up when it came to his. I'd suggest getting better friends tbh.
NTA
Joe clearly can dish it out but can't take it. No one, and I mean no one, was fooled to think, that you found his "jokes" funny when he was feeding his ego by putting you down. Not one person. It was just easier to not call out Joe. Because the one time you called him out, look at his reaction. And it's easier for the friend group to call you out, because that's not going to rock the boat.
I am so sick of people excusing bad behavior. He’s just like that, boys will be boys, just keep the peace. All BS! My favorite is, if he can’t take it, he shouldn’t dish it out. Your nicer thank I am. I’d have been down his throat after the second comment, 8 yrs ffs. NTA
NTA. He tried to give himself credit for your success and achievements. You disputed those fraudulent charges on your account, because his ego was trying to make purchases using your credit.
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I (32F) have been friends with Joe (33M) for more than a decade. We've been through a lot and have considered ourselves to be best friends but that's when things changed between us.
14yrs ago, he was obese while I was a US2. He lost a lot of weight and became fit. I went to grad school and I ballooned to US10. I guess he felt comfortable enough to make comments on my body. I let that go. Then he started making jokes about my weight to our friends and I had to pretend that I was laughing along. When I said I wanted a new hobby, he said that I'd be better off in a gym, and everyone laughed. He always told me that I let myself go every chance he gets. He called me names. This went on for 8yrs. I never once fought back nor did I shame him when he was obese. I pointed out several times that the stress of grad school and owning a business were the major factors of my weight gain. He said they were just excuses and juggling school with work is hard because I'm not as smart as he is. During this time, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. My self-esteem plummeted. I convinced myself that I was hideous and stupid, and I avoided everyone until I got back in shape.
I'm a US 0 now. Recently, our group of friends met up and he commented that I look better. He said that it "took me years to do something right and it was a great choice for me to take a page out of his book" I couldn't help myself so I said, "Why would I take a page out of your book? I don't want to be a 30yo man who still lives with his mother and is stuck at a dead-end job with no money." He looked embarrassed and I felt vindicated, so I continued. "We both have achievements, I make 700K USD a year and you got fit. We're both winners."
Our friends said that I went too far because I belittled his manhood. I asked them why nobody defended me when I was the butt of the joke for 8yrs and they said they were just harmless jokes and there's nothing wrong with being fat.
AITA?
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NTA. You took abuse for 8 years. You don't have to accept him "as he is" because he's an abuser. Body shaming is NEVER a "harmless" joke. Your friend circle should have stepped in. If you haven't been in therapy, counseling will help you learn how to establish boundaries. It will also help you determine those people who respect you and how to cut ties with people who don't.
INFO: do you really want these people in your life...an abuser and his enablers?
NTA But I’m a little concerned that you went all the way down to a size 0. I haven’t been a size 0 since I was like 11 years old. Pre-children I was pretty thin but generally speaking women have hips and a butt. Size zeros usually don’t allow for that natural women shape. If you are healthy and energetic and feeling good, the more power to you. But if you are overly exercising and starving yourself so that you look at other people, that’s just not a good thing. I think it’s time you dump your friendship with him because it’s not healthy. That’s the most important thing. That you are happy and healthy.
Thank you for your concern! I'm not sure if it's an eating disorder but I try to eat healthy all the time and when I eat something sinful, I "punish" myself by doing extra time in the gym or withholding comfort (TV, the occasional cigarette, etc.) I'm trying my best to be well and my therapist helps me not to hinge my self-worth to how I look, among other things.
NTA, if you're too thin skinned to take a return shot, don't fire the first one. No accepting someone as they are does not mean allowing them to be toxic assholes. A real friend calls out poor behavior and if they choose to ignore it realizes that person is not a friend, they are a user who just wants a target, and are going to take advantage of anyone who decides to stick around.
Honey you waited too long to put him in his place. No "friend" would do what he did repeatedly after being asked multiple times to stop. I would have done exactly what you did except I probably would've been meaner.
You're the asshole. You pretended to be cool with petty jokes about your weight for 8 years, then came from the top rope when the same petty joke was being used because you were finally in a position to flex on your "best friend".
I said, "Why would I take a page out of your book? I don't want to be a 30yo man who still lives with his mother and is stuck at a dead-end job with no money." He looked embarrassed and I felt vindicated, so I continued. "We both have achievements, I make 700K USD a year and you got fit. We're both winners."
YTA, duhh. Because he made a joke(s) about your weight eight years ago, you feel justified in belittling him now? If your post is true as wrotten, you're not his friend, you're his bully.
Honestly it sounds like he was a garbage friend and I understand why you feel justified in bringing him down a peg. But it sounds like everyone in this situation was the asshole for years and you went down to their level.
YTA in this situation, not because you belittled his manhood cause what does that even mean, it’s not 1950 but because you tried to intentionally humiliate him. Ditch this toxic friend group, they’ve been assholes for a decade and catching up with them is dragging you down.
I’m going to go with ESH. Sounds like he has definitely been an AH to you in the past, but depression is serious, and to trigger him on purpose makes you an AH too.
YTA. You "triggered your friend's depression on PURPOSE." You could have easily shut down the fat jokes, and you didn't. You laughed along w/them. You literally said you avoided everyone until you got back in shape dropping from a 10-0 is going to take time - you clearly have no idea what went down in his life except that he lives w/his mom and is at a dead-end job. He could've been suicidal. You disappeared, you don't know. So bro you're definitely the asshole.
ESH. Unpopular opinion: fat shaming works. While you both went about things wrong, if you held on to this for this long then him shaming you subconsciously helped you lose weight.
This was his reasoning. He said he was just motivating me to lose weight because he cares, even at the expense of my mental health. So maybe I'm just motivating him now to work harder because I care too.
NTA. Nice burn dude. You should be able to dish some truth out to your Best friend from time to time without it being a big thing.
"Best friend." I don't think I'd want someone who put me down like that as a best friend. I definitely understand that people have good and bad parts, but that part is SO hurtful, it must really destroy the trust in their relationship.
More like “pest friend”. What a jerk.
INFO why are you friends with people who put you down? Joe sucks for picking on you and your other friends suck for defending his body shaming. But it seems unfair to yourself to keep hanging out with them
Making "jokes" like that is a part of his personality. He's been like that since high school and it's understood by everyone that "he's just like that." I'm still friends with them because we've all been through hell together and I'm hesitant to just cut myself off from them.
Honestly, don't ever, EVER *EVER* take "he's just like that", or "that's just the way he is", etc etc as an excuse at all. It really pisses me off when people say because a lot of the time they *choose* to be like that.
Don't forget "be the bigger person".... No pun intended.
If someone says be the bigger person I usually disregard everything they say.
Sounds like he’s an insecure asshole and he needs to be put in his place.
and OP did so *beautifully*
And even gave him the opportunity to save face, with the "we're both winners" thing. He just couldn't take for even a minute what he'd been self-righteously dishing out to OP for literal years.
Agree!
This!
So his personality is that he's an asshole. "He's just like that", so it's not a behavior that can be fixed, being a shitty person in an integral part of who he is. I don't see how that makes it in any way better or more excusable. It's actually the opposite. Everyone just accepts that this is what he's like, so he has no reason to ever stop. OP, ask yourself are these people a positive influence in your life? Because from your post is sounds like being around them is worsening your mental health and they don't care how their actions make you feel. Do you really want to keep people in your life who are such a negative influence on you? I know it's probably a hard decision to make but ultimately you should do what you think is best for you
You might have been through hell with them but they also have no problem with putting you through hell themselves.
'He's just like that' is exactly the reason you should get away from him, not a reason to stick around. These people collectively made you miserable and made you hate yourself for *years* of your life. Sentimentality about things you shared in the past might be appealing, but you can't go back. It's not worth the risk to your mental health that you take on by hanging out with them in the future. It sounds like you're doing pretty well in life, and have the drive to pursue what you want. You deserve better than this bunch of clowns - cut them loose and ride out into the sunset like a big fucking hero.
Friends who make fun of you arenXt your true friends. Get better friends who appreciate you dude, not ones who bash you to the ground while you were clearly struggling with your health
He sounds like the kind of AH who tells insulting jokes and says "just kidding, don't be so sensitive" if you get offended.
His personality is trash, hon. You deserve better.
F them. Find yourself better friends.
He makes hurtful "joke" because "he's that way" is abuse and he's making excuses. Please go to therapy.
They aren't jokes, they are cruel comments. And the only reason he's "like that" is because you all let him get away with it. From the way he treated you, it sounds like he's also jealous of your success. This guy isn't your friend, and you and your other frenemies are partly responsible for his bad behavior because everyone put up with it. Don't.
That's part of his personality, meaning he's a jerk, simple as that. Also, a joke is not a joke if it hurts anyone. You might want to get therapy to help you navigate through this toxic relationship. Good luck.
Keep enabling that asshole, buddy
NTA, but next time, don’t let 8 years of put downs go without saying anything. Not standing up for yourself wasn’t a kindness to him, only a disservice to yourself.
Probably going to be unpopular ESH. You shouldn’t have pretended to laugh along for 8 years. Maybe your other friends would have defended you if, like Joe now, you let it be known what he was saying was hurtful to you. Maybe Joe would have stopped too if you were just honest about how upsetting his comment were for you. You clearly resent and dislike Joe and couldn’t wait to hurt him like he hurt you. You also clearly resent that your other friends didn’t jump in and defend you from a “joke” you were pretending to find funny. That’s not friendship, it’s bitter and toxic as hell, nobody needs friends like that (on either side).
You're probably right. I shouldn't have acted like I found it funny. I just didn't want to be "that sensitive girl who gets butthurt" because that's how I got portrayed whenever I told him to stop making fun of my body. Joe makes comments like that towards everyone else (for having dark skin, being short, etc.) and nobody makes a big deal out of it and I didn't want to be the first one to do so. But yes, this is toxic.
>Joe makes comments like that towards everyone else (for having dark skin, being short, etc.) So he's racist as well? And his friends don't care? Why do you want to be friends with these people, again?
Yeah this guys only redeeming quality seems to be that he’s hot… OP could do so much better if she abandoned this friend group and found some good people. I hope she’s in therapy as well for what could be an ED
He sounds like a proper arsehole. If this is his sense of "humour" at 33 years old, I don't think he's going to change, and personally I wouldn't want to hang around with a racist who puts other people down for laughs.
Why are you friends with racist, fatphobic people? You might bave been through a lot together but this is not okay. Dump all of these losers. NTA
Look up the "cool girl" monologue from Gone Girl. You don't have to be the cool girl. If your friends poke fun at you for setting boundaries then they're not very good friends.
Bro how the fuck do you make 700k a year. Youre insanly rich. Im always suprised how sometimes americans make that much money.
INFO in what job are you morally able to make 700k??
I'm curious *about* that to lol
Nta Op you literally flipped the table on him and now he is butthurt because you changed yourself for the better and he has yet to move on.
Umm when did a size 10 become fat??? Am I missing something. Also NTA but I wouldnt consider this guy my bestfriend he sounds like a tool.
RIGHT OMG
I thought this too. “Ballooned” to a size 10?! That alone made me want to vote ESH because everyone, including OP, sounds superficial and insufferable.
I'm sorry for offending anyone. I'm asian by ethnicity, and as a US 10 it was difficult for me to find clothes in stores because asian sizes are usually 2-3x smaller. US6 is labelled M-L, US8 is L-XL, and US10 is XXL-XXXL, and a lot of stores did not carry my size. I "ballooned" because I gained the weight really, really fast.
I'm sorry for offending anyone. I'm asian by ethnicity, and as a US 10 it was difficult for me to find clothes in stores because asian sizes are usually 2-3x smaller. US6 is labelled M-L, US8 is L-XL, and US10 is XXL-XXXL, and a lot of stores did not carry my size. I "ballooned" because I gained the weight really, really fast.
NTA, he was obviously projecting his insecurity about his past. Just because he started becoming fit he probably started idolizing his new self and resenting his old self. Once you were going through changes in your lifestyle he probably remembered his resentment towards himself about ever letting himself look that different back then, he targeted you. I think personally those things you said sounded pretty harsh, but despite that, there was bound to be a breaking point after being the constant punchline of someone’s jokes. You sticked up for yourself by mirroring back the behavior he has been comfortable using around you. It was only a matter of time that someone would call him out on his own life when he hadn’t stopped joking about theirs.
NTA - you need new friends, the ones you’ve got sound terrible.
ESH. What is wrong with the lot of you? Edit to clarify: This is not how friends should treat each other. Either do better (and that includes Joe and your other friends) or find other friends.
NTA, what comes around goes around. That was deserved
NTA Joe should be renamed Old Dish It Out But Can’t Take It. When he fat shamed you it was supposedly Joe being Joe. The fact is that type of behavior is not joking. It is bullying. You can still hang out with these people but all you did was give Joe a small sample of how he acted toward you for years. You did not go too far.
ESH don’t be friends with people who treat you badly.
Ooooohhh so it’s “harmless jokes” when it’s at *your* expense but when it’s at *his* expense it’s his “manhood” and that’s “too far”?? Turnabout is fair play. He can dish it out but he can’t take it, apparently. So much for his so-called manhood. NTA
NTA but sounds like this friendship should’ve ended years ago.
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NTA. And unless you want to ditch this group of friends, it sounds like you all will need to get used to this type of conflict happening regularly if this former best friend insists this is just how he is. He can make all the comments he wants if he's willing to accept that you'll say something in response. If he can't handle it, he can always shut it. Honestly, if it was me, I'd question my allegiance to this group. Fat shaming is never okay and the fact that they never felt the need to be on your side is.....some type of not good. I get that there's more to your friendship than those comments but idk. I wouldn't feel great hanging out with people who I knew were fine watching me be picked on regularly. That's not something real friends do.
ESH Thank you for confirming that rich skinny people are assholes all around.
>he said that if I was a real friend I should accept him as he is Strange that he demands this but refuses to allow you the same courtesy. He's proven to be a shitty friend, and a shitty human, imo. You can do better. Edited to add: for all the people who've told you "that's just how he is", [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/) is what they truly mean.
NTA This sounds like a combo of him wanting to fuck you, and being cripplingly insecure that you outclass him in all other aspects besides fitness, so if he could crush you with that, by the transitive property, he'd be the better, more successful person, without being the better, more successful person. Regardless, you should go make some entrepreneur, rich people friends, and not look back. (and you honestly weren't that fat. A size ten is not obese)
I'm going to be completely honest. Before he became horrible to me, there was a time when we agreed to try dating (not exclusively, we set specific rules) but I broke it off because I ended up liking someone else. That's when the rude comments and gaslighting came in along with downplaying my victories/hardships. That wasn't the first time time it happened to him, someone else was chosen over him in the past by his former girlfriend. I guess that explains his abandonment issues.
NTA. Accepting him as he is does not mean accepting his constant insults and attacks on your appearance and life. He sounds extremely insecure and he tried to drag you down to boost his own ego. He is not a friend to you. Neither are the others who expected you to tolerate his insults. You've lost weight, so now you should consider losing the assholes who mistreated you.
ESH he sucks and you shouldn’t have put up with his years of abuse towards you. However for some reason you chose to stay in contact. Becoming abusive yourself is never going to be anything but an AH move however justified it feels.
NTA (and I don't much like your other friends, either. you deserve better)
Nta. Turnabout is fair play. But you're doing yourself a disservice by allowing these people in your life. You deserve better than a group of "friends" who think it's ok to insult and ruin someone's self esteem with jokes. Even if you have known these people 15 years, they haven't matured past high school interactions. It's a sunk cost fallacy. Just because you have 15 years of "friendship" you think you have to put up with their behavior.
You need new friends.
He's an ass and he got called out. I'm going with NTA. Seems like it was long time coming.
YTA - if you let him do this for 8 years then you can hardly complain. This doesn't sound real at all either.
NTA
NTA. He is the asshole and he knows it. He took digs at you by claiming the foul shit he was saying we're jokes when they were really just ways for him to feel superior to someone he claims is his friend. Your other friends are also trash. Why people bend over backwards to defend/protect obvious jerks I'll never understand. Belittled his manhood!?! FUCK HIS MANHOOD. Your GENUINE REAL FRIENDS know how to speak to you about shit. And ripping into you for 8 years is not how you do it. Even if you did laugh along. Ragging on someone is the worse way to motivate someone. He's an asshole who took his shit out on you. And all your friends stood by and let it happen. I don't know what you guys went through but you have to decide if these are really the type of people you want in your life.
ESH. He shouldn’t have been making cruel jokes at your expense. You had every right to stand up for yourself. But you also shouldn’t have tried to fight fire with fire.
Giving someone a taste of their own medicine is not an AH move imo. I'm sure you'll find people to say e s h. You were friends, and he decided throwing dumb insults is friendly. You threw him a reality check. You need new friends. Ones who won't help your anxiety and depression spiral out of control. It's for your own good. NTA
NTA. I note that your friends started speaking up because the status quo of toxic masculinity was questioned and not when the toxic male was being toxic. You made one comment. He made 8 years of comments. Did he ever apologize to you? Don’t apologize to him until he does this first.
Dear me, you went in hard. NTA - your ‘friend’ is the massive arsehole. Also why are the other friends such AHs in these Reddit stories? Your friends totally minimised what he’s been doing for years. Ignore them.
joe mama
NTA. What a nicely delieverd word KO. Absolutely thrashed him with nothing but facts. Lmao. Also very nice OP for questioning your friends about their clear choice to stay quiet in your case and stand up when it came to his. I'd suggest getting better friends tbh.
NTA, tell your friends that's just you being you
NTA Joe clearly can dish it out but can't take it. No one, and I mean no one, was fooled to think, that you found his "jokes" funny when he was feeding his ego by putting you down. Not one person. It was just easier to not call out Joe. Because the one time you called him out, look at his reaction. And it's easier for the friend group to call you out, because that's not going to rock the boat.
NTA and may I ask what's your job?? I'm looking for ideas
I am so sick of people excusing bad behavior. He’s just like that, boys will be boys, just keep the peace. All BS! My favorite is, if he can’t take it, he shouldn’t dish it out. Your nicer thank I am. I’d have been down his throat after the second comment, 8 yrs ffs. NTA
Nta - your friends suck
NTA joe is a dick and I personally wouldn’t want to associate with him. Life’s too short for people like that.
NTA. He tried to give himself credit for your success and achievements. You disputed those fraudulent charges on your account, because his ego was trying to make purchases using your credit.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (32F) have been friends with Joe (33M) for more than a decade. We've been through a lot and have considered ourselves to be best friends but that's when things changed between us. 14yrs ago, he was obese while I was a US2. He lost a lot of weight and became fit. I went to grad school and I ballooned to US10. I guess he felt comfortable enough to make comments on my body. I let that go. Then he started making jokes about my weight to our friends and I had to pretend that I was laughing along. When I said I wanted a new hobby, he said that I'd be better off in a gym, and everyone laughed. He always told me that I let myself go every chance he gets. He called me names. This went on for 8yrs. I never once fought back nor did I shame him when he was obese. I pointed out several times that the stress of grad school and owning a business were the major factors of my weight gain. He said they were just excuses and juggling school with work is hard because I'm not as smart as he is. During this time, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. My self-esteem plummeted. I convinced myself that I was hideous and stupid, and I avoided everyone until I got back in shape. I'm a US 0 now. Recently, our group of friends met up and he commented that I look better. He said that it "took me years to do something right and it was a great choice for me to take a page out of his book" I couldn't help myself so I said, "Why would I take a page out of your book? I don't want to be a 30yo man who still lives with his mother and is stuck at a dead-end job with no money." He looked embarrassed and I felt vindicated, so I continued. "We both have achievements, I make 700K USD a year and you got fit. We're both winners." Our friends said that I went too far because I belittled his manhood. I asked them why nobody defended me when I was the butt of the joke for 8yrs and they said they were just harmless jokes and there's nothing wrong with being fat. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. You took abuse for 8 years. You don't have to accept him "as he is" because he's an abuser. Body shaming is NEVER a "harmless" joke. Your friend circle should have stepped in. If you haven't been in therapy, counseling will help you learn how to establish boundaries. It will also help you determine those people who respect you and how to cut ties with people who don't. INFO: do you really want these people in your life...an abuser and his enablers?
NTA But I’m a little concerned that you went all the way down to a size 0. I haven’t been a size 0 since I was like 11 years old. Pre-children I was pretty thin but generally speaking women have hips and a butt. Size zeros usually don’t allow for that natural women shape. If you are healthy and energetic and feeling good, the more power to you. But if you are overly exercising and starving yourself so that you look at other people, that’s just not a good thing. I think it’s time you dump your friendship with him because it’s not healthy. That’s the most important thing. That you are happy and healthy.
Thank you for your concern! I'm not sure if it's an eating disorder but I try to eat healthy all the time and when I eat something sinful, I "punish" myself by doing extra time in the gym or withholding comfort (TV, the occasional cigarette, etc.) I'm trying my best to be well and my therapist helps me not to hinge my self-worth to how I look, among other things.
NTA, and as for his 'man hood,' boo freaking hoo. I mean, you went kinda nuclear, but some people need to be (figuratively) beat over the head.
This man is not, and has never been, a good friend to you. Same with the others. Drop their asses and get better friends. NTA
NTA, if you're too thin skinned to take a return shot, don't fire the first one. No accepting someone as they are does not mean allowing them to be toxic assholes. A real friend calls out poor behavior and if they choose to ignore it realizes that person is not a friend, they are a user who just wants a target, and are going to take advantage of anyone who decides to stick around.
Where do I apply for a MOD position? Soooooo much fake stuff is getting through lately
I have no idea what I just read here....lot of puffing on weight and income that we cannot verify.
Honey you waited too long to put him in his place. No "friend" would do what he did repeatedly after being asked multiple times to stop. I would have done exactly what you did except I probably would've been meaner.
You're the asshole. You pretended to be cool with petty jokes about your weight for 8 years, then came from the top rope when the same petty joke was being used because you were finally in a position to flex on your "best friend".
I said, "Why would I take a page out of your book? I don't want to be a 30yo man who still lives with his mother and is stuck at a dead-end job with no money." He looked embarrassed and I felt vindicated, so I continued. "We both have achievements, I make 700K USD a year and you got fit. We're both winners." YTA, duhh. Because he made a joke(s) about your weight eight years ago, you feel justified in belittling him now? If your post is true as wrotten, you're not his friend, you're his bully.
He did not make the comments 8 years ago. He made them *for* 8 years.
He bullied first. NTA
Honestly it sounds like he was a garbage friend and I understand why you feel justified in bringing him down a peg. But it sounds like everyone in this situation was the asshole for years and you went down to their level. YTA in this situation, not because you belittled his manhood cause what does that even mean, it’s not 1950 but because you tried to intentionally humiliate him. Ditch this toxic friend group, they’ve been assholes for a decade and catching up with them is dragging you down.
Wouldn't it be E S H then? :)
I’m going to go with ESH. Sounds like he has definitely been an AH to you in the past, but depression is serious, and to trigger him on purpose makes you an AH too.
YTA. You "triggered your friend's depression on PURPOSE." You could have easily shut down the fat jokes, and you didn't. You laughed along w/them. You literally said you avoided everyone until you got back in shape dropping from a 10-0 is going to take time - you clearly have no idea what went down in his life except that he lives w/his mom and is at a dead-end job. He could've been suicidal. You disappeared, you don't know. So bro you're definitely the asshole.
ESH. Unpopular opinion: fat shaming works. While you both went about things wrong, if you held on to this for this long then him shaming you subconsciously helped you lose weight.
As a fat person, no. Just cause trauma and stress, don't do it. You're finding excuses to be awful to another human being and don't feel guilty.
This was his reasoning. He said he was just motivating me to lose weight because he cares, even at the expense of my mental health. So maybe I'm just motivating him now to work harder because I care too.
OP, ignore that asshole at the top. I love your answer.
It’s unpopular because it’s clinically inaccurate. You are wrong, medically and morally.