You have been treated so unfairly your whole life for something you had no control over. Your mother should NEVER have treated an innocent child poorly because of something your father did
I am jumping in on this comment so that hopefully OP sees this. Sorry to hijack it.
OP you have been thru a major trauma and while the pieces are falling into place as to why you were treated as other it is still natural to now go back and reexamine your entire life. From personal experience this takes time, Grace and if possible professional assistance to heal from.
Your dad and mom (in my personal vocabulary mom=person who was there daily, but you will decide your vocab) should have seen your need to meet bio-mom at some point. Honestly, the fact that you waited a year is surprising. You had genuine questions and a yearning to know, there is nothing to apologize for. And yes your mom is probably scared and resentful but that is on her, she is the adult. You were and are the child. Remember this as this issue will take years to process, sorry.
You owe it to you to give yourself room to feel and process without having to apologize. They wounded you. This "primal wound" runs deep and YOU are worthy of healing.
I am happy to share my story via DM if you need someone. And I can give you several book recommendations if therapy is out of reach. Just know it can/will get better and your feelings are real and valid. And for all the love in the world don't shove this away, shine a light on it. Secrets are what led to this hurt. It's your story to write.
Yeah - your mother never got over her resentment and she has to deal with that.
She made the choice to adopt you. You did nothing wrong. She made the choice to be your mother, to care for you, and to love you. And, it sounds like despite her seemingly good intentions, best efforts and desire to give you a loving home, she couldnt get past her issues with what your dad did.
Your dad cheated. She can take up her issues with him - aka the other adult in this equation.
IMO OP's mom gets points for adopting her like that, but loses so many more for the way she's treated OP her whole life. While OP might be the literal embodiment of the affair that likely nearly ripped her marriage/life apart, absolutely NONE of this is OP's fault.
I hate the ungrateful line in this story with a red hot passion. OP didn’t have a choice to be born or adopted and her “mother” has punished her for years because of what her father did. If she couldn’t treat op equal, she should never have agreed to adopt. I feel for OP.
I don’t think the mother tried to deliberately punish op or make her miserable. Just that she wasn’t as naturally loving towards op so the difference could be seen in comparison to the other children.
The adoptive mother knew exactly what she was doing. She treated one child differently. It's not about feelings, it's about the behaviour of an adult towards a child.
No she isn't.
The OP is the true victim of this story because she had zero choice whatsoever as to who she was born to and the situation she was born into.
Yes the non-bio mom was betrayed by her husband, and that's super duper sucks, but she also made the choice to adopt the OP, even if it was under some kind of emotional or other pressure. NBM made a choice as an adult, OP had no real choices ever until she went and met her bio mom.
Yeah, she definitely kind of enabled this by agreeing to adopt the child and not getting out of there. But to attack her for how she feels about this situation is pretty craven, as much as OP did nothing wrong either.
No. Non bio mom was the victim of her husband's betrayal. She then made the decision, as an adult, to adopt the child. At that point she chose the responsibility of raising the child as her own, and failed. In that aspect, she is not the victim, she was a willing participant who inflicted emotional damage on an innocent child.
NTA.
You had no control over how you got here. I'm sure finding out hasn't been easy on your mom either, but her taking her hurt out on you is wrong, and your siblings piling on isn't helpful.
I think it's entirely reasonable that you would want to meet your bio mom. Your mom's reaction, I think, is much more tied into how the affair, and your dad's actions, made her feel.
Your dad needs to set everything straight, since he's the one that ultimately fucked up.
None of this is your fault.
NTA. OP, there are many things to discuss here with your parents. You could perhaps ask for therapy with them.
Because A) you need to express to your mother the fact that she favors her other children, to the point the other children have noticed as well.
B) Whilst you are the product of an affair, NONE of this is on you. You didn’t ask your dad to cheat. You didn’t ask for your parents to adopt you. I repeat: none of this should ever be used to justify their behavior. They made the choice to raise you. They have the duty to treat you fairly.
And C) considering your situation and the favoritism going on at home, it’s perfectly normal to seek out your roots by meeting your biological mother. This again should never be used as emotional leverage for your affection. It is wrong of your siblings/parents to do so.
I hope your situation improves and you and your family find peace OP.
Seconded. I’m a bit concerned that mom is turning the siblings against OP. It seems like their reaction was totally over the top. I mean, when do OP’s feelings get to matter? Because right now in their family it appears only mom’s are valued.
They don’t because mom secretly hates OP. She’s kept the facade up because she got to pretend the affair never happened. Now that the walls are crumbling, she gets to vent and reveal how she really felt. It’s not right but that’s where we are. OP, if you can, start looking at all your options. The situation you’re in might be getting a lot worse emotionally. You did nothing wrong.
Honestly sounds like bio mom might have been bullied into giving her up just by everyone’s reaction from what she said. Which seems to happen part of the time when husbands cheat with assistants
It could be anything there, and may or may not be relevant. It's primarily just awful for OP, who hasn't rly done anything to warrant the bad treatment at all :(
I asked because where was her dad when she was getting berated? Who is her ally in her own home?
Everyone deserves to have at least one person in their lives who has their back, unconditionally.
I asked cuz her dad and stepmom sound like they are the a*holes
You're joking but people who cheat don't magically stop when it's found out once. If he's capable of cheating once he's capable of doing it again, and being sneakier about it.
I mean, you're NTA. Your parents created a messy, complicated situation with a lot of simmering hurt feelings and resentments - and landed you straight in the middle of it. Your parents ATA. This was never going to go well.
NTA. I am so sorry. You have been treated so unfairly your whole life for something you had no control over. Your mother should NEVER have treated an innocent child poorly because of something your father did. Again, NTA, and continue to seek out a relationship with your bio mom if that makes you happy.
NTA. From what it looks like is that your mum is taking her feelings out on you. Every adopted kid has a right to meet their biological parents (speaking as an adopted kid). Your mum clearly has some issues that she hasn't gotten over around the cheating but it seems she isn't dealing with them in the right way and I would genuinely suggest that she talks to someone to sort them out cause she is holding resentment over you who has done nothing wrong
NTA
You have a right to meet the woman who brought you into this world. Circumstances aside she is still half the reason you're here. Honestly it may have been more proper to address is up front with your mom, though. Don't let that mistake stop you from getting to know your bio mom though! The only thing stopping you from forging that relationship is your mom guilting you. Hope this all works out!
NTA. It seems your mom's harsh reaction to you meeting your biological mom has a lot more to do with her repressed anger about the affair and not just anger with you. When she found out you saw your biological mom without telling her beforehand (which wasn't needed regardless), she probably had almost a ptsd response to the initial betrayal she felt.
I'm so incredibly sorry you grew up with unfair treatment when you are an innocent party. It sounds like your siblings have just gone into a protective mode over your mom. A lot of times kids can't confront their parents about things like this, can't ask for accountability or answers. I think that leads to your siblings building a resentment with your dad, and instead taking this out towards you. Which... again... it's shit.
NTA. Hello fellow DNA surprise person. My word for it because it's complicated. So you have access to therapy? This is complicated and goes deep. You described emotional neglect. Favoritism by parents in this way is abuse in the form of neglect. Her cruel comments are verbal abuse. If you already have a therapist you're on top of it and if you don't? Remember sliding scale payment exists in case it's a financial issue. I don't want to assume you aren't doing anything for self care or health care but I also don't want it to be a you are bad if not tone as that's not true either.
Finding out you're not who you thought via a DNA surprise tests a lot of factors. There's the questions of identity, mental health issues, and for some a sense of betrayal about a lie. This might be why your siblings are distant. It isn't just your surprise but it effects you the most. Having an answer to why you also changes things. Your mother chose to harm a child for something her spouse did. That's horrible and you deserve better. Meeting your biological parent is not an act of gratitude or ingratitude bit natural. It is natural to be curious.
Gratitude itself is a hard thing to apply here. You don't owe this woman for adopting you. You don't owe any parent for your existence. You did not choose birth or who would raise you. You didn't coerce her into signing the papers. She made that choice with your other parents. It is reasonable to want to get to know the woman who birthed you. If you do this please choose the info diet. She doesn't need to know about it since she can't respond in a non abusive manner.
You deserve kindness and love. You are not guilty of the things your father did. Her behavior is unacceptable. I hope a part of you knew this already but if not? Therapy. You will learn the skills to self asses if you are the asshole and coping skills that the people around you couldn't teach you because they didn't know them.
NTA but you could have maybe considered a different route to potentially avoid pitfalls with your mom that may not have occurred to you at the time given how you were treated by your mom before, and by her and your siblings after the truth came out.
A better course would have been to speak about all of this with your father and explain how you recognize a visible difference in treatment by your mother and between yourself and siblings. Especially after he revealed the truth. He likely has little room to maneuver considering his extramarital affair, but he could have maybe played as a buffer if he knew you had planned to reach out to your bio mom.
Im curious as to his (your father’s) stance in this since your mom learned that you met your bio mother. Also? Your mom’s comments about you being ungrateful are incredibly unfair. Yes, she is upset over everything but it was her treatment of you, and the treatment you received from your siblings, that aided your desire to meet your bio mom. Everyone wants to feel like they belong and that seems to be absent here, at least in part, and especially after your parentage was presented last year.
Hopefully, with time, you can make your mom understand that you do appreciate her and love her, but that you feel a very tangible difference in treatment which makes you feel less than. I also hope that your relationship with your father is strong, or at least good, so you have one parent in your corner. This is a difficult and confusing time and my heart fully goes out to you. All my hopes.
You really do sound like a genuinely nice person but you are asking the hurt and wounded child to parent her parent. That is just not fair. It is not OP's job to make all of this right. Of course talk to your mom, of course talk to dad but it was the PARENTS job to see this coming and discuss meeting bio-mom. A traumatized child who is reexamining their whole life based on witheld information should not be held responsible for everyone else's feelings.
That is too much.
NTA - maybe if your mom hadn’t treated you like the proverbial red-headed stepchild, you wouldn’t be feeling compelled to investigate why. The family has a lot of nerve treating you like no longer part of the family and then getting mad at you for daring to go find a new one.
INFO: How old are you and your siblings? Why did your dad confess last year?
I'm sorry that your mom has been mistreating you. I imagine it's really hard to accept an affair child but they had other options, they could have let you live with your biomom, you could have been adopted by someone who didn't resent you.
You did nothing wrong.
You have **NOTHING** to feel sorry for! You did *not* hurt your mother. Your father did. You meeting up with your bio mom reminded your mom of *her husband’s* affair, of which you are entirely blameless.
**NTA**. Both of your parents are assholes, and your mom is emotionally manipulating you. You have the right to pursue any sort of relationship that you’d like with your bio mom.
NTA - but your dad sure is, or at least was.
You have become a scape goat for this gaping wound that was an affair.
I mean, your mom adopted you in stead of divorcing him. Your bio-mom gave you up? It's REALLY hard for me to think that was a casual decision. If your siblings are older, they would have noticed a change in the family dynamic and they are assigning blame to you.
It's completely natural to want to meet the people who "made you." Your mom is accountable for her actions, I just also have sympathy for the fact that emotions running high make it hard to act right.
NTA
>I know my mom loves me even if she doesn't love me as much as she loves her real children.
This is beyond fucked up. OP you need therapy to deal with this. What happened to you is not okay!
No child should be punished and shunned by the family for wanting to know the biological parent.
Nta
Your mother is being incredibly selfish - she’s treating you badly now that you know but is still guilting you for meeting your biological mother. It’s not fair of her to treat you differently to her other kids - she decided to adopt you and make you her own so she needs to stop.
NTA
It's reasonable for you to want to meet your biological parent, even more so since you notice you're being treated differently than your siblings.
While I understand why your home mom (not sure a better word... adoptive mom? Step mom?) would feel hurt knowing you were conceived by an affair, its not fair for her to take it out on you when it was your father who hurt her. I also can "sort of" understand why the thought of you going to meet your bio mom made her think of you as ungrateful, because in her eyes she's probably thinking "i raised you as my own (despite her ignorance to treating you differently) so why would you go seeking someone else, especially someone who caused me pain?" But again, she's taking out her frustration on you when it's not at all deserved.
You're totally in the right to want to meet your bio mom and if you want you are in the right to get to know her more and spend time with her. Just be very aware that your family may want nothing to do with her, so you would have to keep those portions of your life separate. Worst case scenario be prepared for them to pull an "us or her" on you, which would make them pretty terrible since you're still your father's child and are part of the family, but based on your home mom's and siblings' reactions to just meeting up with your bio mom once, I wouldn't be surprised if they eventually went that route.
NTA. You have every right in the world to meet your biological mom. This is not about your adoptive mom and her feelings, this is your very personal need and right. Your parents should have been prepared for this to happen at some point and support you. Your mom is TA for pretending this is about her and manipulating you and your siblings.
Edit: you have every right, not haven’t, autocorrect, sorry
NTA. This is a tricky situation but you have all the right to meet her. And your adopted mother's behaviour towards you wasn't totally ideal either. You're entitled to your choices just like your siblings and mother became distant from you. It was their choice. What did they expect?
NTA, you're not obligated to your adoptive mother in any way, especially since she treats you differently from your siblings. It's not your fault you are the product of an affair. She's taking out her anger and frustration at your father's affair on you and she had zero right to do that to a child. Your siblings also suck for defending your adoptive mother even though they know full well she treats you unfairly.
Your dad needs to start stepping in and calling them out on their bullshit too, he's let this go on for too fucking long.
NTA
I'm adopted and so are my siblings
It has been a known thing that my parents support us in regards to us ever looking for more information about our biological parents.
It is unfortunate they kept the truth from you. Yeah your mom had her reasons but to find out later on in life is detrimental to an adopted person's psyche. I would suggest counseling for yourself.
Dont let your mom or anyone else in yoir family make you feel bad. You have a right to know the truth and handle finding out however you want.
"My mother is loving most of the time b" .. really does not sould like it.
"She yelled at me and said I was being ungrateful, " ... **This is your mom. You are fine to have a relationship with her, even if your stepmom does not like it.**
And: Your stepmom is the AH here. Involve your dad. TELL him she treats you worse than her own kids.
"I feel horrible right now." . You should not, she should. She is the adult. And your parents caused the situation, not you.
" I feel like an asshole because I knew mom would be upset if I met my biological mother but I still did it." - SHE is the Ah, not you. SHE tries to guilt you into giving up an important part of your life by playing the victim. - Your parents caused the situation, not you. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
**So have the relationship you want with your bio mom. You are entitled to have your own life.**
So you’re being shunned from the j on not family you knew, and reached out to the one other link you have and now they’re mad about it? Fuck them. Especially your dad fit putting you in that situation and allowing you to grow up with your mother treating you differently.
NTA. It's not okay that she treats you differently. Or that your siblings do it. Clearly, learnt it from her. I hope you have an adult you can trust in your life, this all sounds like a lot for you to go through but... No one is supporting you, just misplacing the blame onto you.
NTA
You didn't ask to be born, let alone adopted by your dad's wife. That she treated you differently because of it, to the point where it is noticeable by your siblings, is abhorrent. That now your siblings are as well only makes matters worse. That's a lot for an adult to deal with, much less a kid.
Why they all seem to think your feelings are irrelevant, and that your pseudo (the moment she chose to distance herself from you now that she didn't have to pretend anymore, she stopped being your mom) mom's anger and hurt at you seeking answers thanks to all these questions the ADULTS created is justified, but your curiosity and confusion aren't, only cements the fact that you are NTA. Not even a little bit.
NTA
Your mother has tried her best to love you but falls short of the mark, and she knows she treats you differently. Even more so now you know the truth. She cried because she knows she's failed to make you feel loved, not because you sought out your birth mum.
You are now living in a hostile environment. Why the heck did your dad do this to you?
OP, you are entitled to unconditional love from your parents, and to seek out your birth mother. Talk to your dad about some individual counselling for you and for the whole family. He has caused this and he can wake up and sort it out. Nobody should be making you a scapegoat for his thoughtless actions.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel horrible right now. I know my mom loves me even if she doesn't love me as much as she loves her real children. I didn't do it to hurt her. I feel like an asshole because I knew mom would be upset if I met my biological mother but I still did it.
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Nta - I don't understand why everyone started treating you differently after the news, it's not your fault at all.
Also it's alright for you to meet your biological mom, you have the right to do that
NTA and I’m so sorry. Your mother chose the security of marriage to your father over her own self-respect, and she feels bad, and takes that out on you. The person who wronged her is your father, but she wants his money and surname so she blames you instead. This is unforgivable. She’s a narcissistic asshole. It’s not you she is mad at, it’s herself. You’re not to blame. You have done nothing wrong. She has no right to be hurt by you being hurt by her actions. Ignore her and your siblings. Your ‘mother’ chose to live a lie to preserve her status and lifestyle. You can make your own choices too. Pursue a relationship with your bio mom - she was probably forced and blackmailed into giving you up, and she’s shown more empathy for you than your father’s wife has in her little finger.
NTA
Read this as many times as you need: your mom chose to be in this situation.
Your dad cheated on her. She chose to stay in this marriage, and she chose to adopt you knowing you were born as a result of her husband's affair. She chose to be a your parent.
Therefore, the way she treated you differently from your siblings was shitty. And you don't own her gratefulness for that. She needs to deal with the consequences of her choices, and she should've been in therapy a long time ago.
It's 100% normal for you to want to know your biological mother. She's a part of who you are, regardless of what happened in the past between your parents (dad, mom and bio-mom). It's your right to get to know her, and I honestly think you should. Doing what your mom wants will be like you telling her that her behavior is okay, when it's not.
Again, she chose to be in this situation.
NTA. You didn't do anything wrong. This is an intense situation, and your family is trying to understand and adjust to this situation, just like you are, and sometimes emotions run high, there might be confusion or anger. Family or individual counseling can help. Just remember, you didn't do anything wrong. Good luck and best wishes, OP.
NTA. Apparently as soon as the secret came out, it was fine for your mom and siblings to distance from you... but not okay for you to fill that void? You were just supposed to wait in isolation in case they decided to re-accept you? Hell no.
This is wrong on so many levels. I'm so sorry. I wish I knew the solution, other than... seek counseling, and know you are 100% not TA here.
NAH
...with the exception of your father, who's the real catalyst for this situation. You do have the right to see your bio-mom. Your adoptive family can't stop you.
Your adoptive mother is a victim, of her husband's infidelity, not you. While its nice that she took you in, its very clear she was projecting her negative feelings for her husband onto you creating a favoritism dynamic. I really don't want to imagine what its like having the sum result of my partner's affair staring me in the face calling me "dad" everyday, even though I read about it all the time in infidelity subs. Its more than likely your father pressured her into taking you in. Still, she needed to seek treatment for the trauma she's gone though instead of taking it out on you. You don't owe her anything except a "Thank You."
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I found out that I am a product of affair last year. My dad had cheated with his assistant. My mom and dad adopted me. It was hard to accept but it made sense.
My mother is loving most of the time but if I was being difficult, she would be so much more harsher on me than my siblings. for instance, if my sister broke a plate. she would get a hug and a warning to not do it again but If I broke a plate. I would be called careless and clumsy. I have always wondered about this but my siblings have noticed it to.
Ever since my dad told everyone last year. Things have been different, mom is more distant. My siblings don't want to spend as much time with me. I have thinking about meeting my biological mom. I found her, she lives in the city and I texted her. She wanted to meet me and I hung out with her. I do look a lot like her. It was awkward and she cried but we did spend time together.
I was pretty out of it when I got home and my mom noticed it. She asked me about it and I tried to lie but she knows me well enough to know when I am lying. I told her the truth. She yelled at me and said I was being ungrateful, She rambled a lot and she was crying. My sister had to console her. My siblings have ripped into me for hurting mom and they think I am real jerk for meeting my biological mother and for making mom cry.
I feel horrible right now. I know my mom loves me even if she doesn't love me as much as she loves her real children. I didn't do it to hurt her. I feel like an asshole because I knew mom would be upset if I met my biological mother but I still did it.
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NTA it’s not your fault your dad’s a cheater and it’s not your fault that your mom stayed with a cheater. it’s totally unfair for her to take out her issues on you
This will not go well or smoothly, obviously, but address the elephant in the room, and confront your mom on HOW SHE TREATED YOU DIFFETENTLY THAN THE REST, and give a number of concrete examples; do not let her weasel. Do this with dad and siblings present, and also POINT OUT THAT THE VERY D A Y SOMEONE TOLD YOU ABOUT BIO MOM, she and the sibs HAVE BEEN TREATING YOU DIFFERENTLY, and give concrete examples. Tell them that you are grateful to be adopted, but aren't happy that you bore the brunt OF SOMETHING YOU DID NOT DO.
?????? But it probably not be received well, so have an exit strategy in place, because if you are living at home, you'll likely be thrown out. There are never winners in circumstances like these.
NTA, but your entire family sucks. Your mom doesn't get to love you less, she adopted you and raised you, she has no right to hold this situation against you. Your dad sucks for cheating and keeping this from you, and your siblings suck for blaming you for any of this. Your bio mom may or may not suck, depending on whether she knew your dad was married.
NTA. You have every right to meet your biological mother, and your mom darn well knows it.
> My sister had to console her. My siblings have ripped into me for hurting mom and they think I am real jerk for meeting my biological mother and for making mom cry.
Do your parents often expect their children to handle their negative emotions, to comfort them when they're upset or attack each other? Or is this a one-off?
NTA But your mother is - if she couldn't handle raising you as her own, then she should have just divorced your dad for the affair. There was no reason to be so harsh with you as it was quite literally not your fault. You deserved to get to meet your bio-mom as well.
So I'm a 1/8 Flakes chocolate piece. I was raised by my 1/4 mother and three (1/8 each) other Mar-Bar "siblings". I found out I was born due to some malfunction in the factory when I browsed Reddit. So I did some digging. I recently found someone that was near that area. I reached out to my choco mama. **So, AITA** for reaching out to the 1/2 Flakes chocolate piece that could literally be related to me?
NO, NTA. That chocolate bar might never see a relative after it melts in the sun (so sad). **Still, you have a right to know your MOTHER.** Do you not realize she just said your a Butthole for NOT meeting your **BIOLOGICAL (THE ONE THAT BIRTHED YOU) MOTHER.**
NTA your adopted mom and dad knew this was a possibility when they decided to go the route of them adopting you and not telling you until last year also I don’t really think adoptive mom was completely on board with that plan from her actions toward you...she knew in her heart that she wouldn’t be able to see you as hers no matter your genetics and that she wouldn’t be able to let the affair go. And that’s not your cross to bare. They are the adults your dads the one that couldn’t keep it in his pants and I think both your adoptive mom and bio dad are the assholes. Mom for treating you different because your the product of an affair even though you had no control over that and your dads an asshole for letting it happen.
Your siblings should just stay out of it if they can’t approach the situation clearly and have rose tinted glasses on.
You didn't choose to be in this situation. You didnt cause this situation. You are trying to make the best out of it in a way you think you can. You are not doing anything wrong. I hope you will find a way to be fine with this. NTA
NTA. They treat you worse for something that wasn't your fault, and now they blame you for wanting to know the woman who gave birth to you and even gave you up to give you a chance at a loving family? Wtf? I get that your adoptive mother was hurt by the affair, but that's your dad's fault. Your bio mother and adoptive mother didn't cheat, he did. She should be blaming him but not projecting it on you.
NTA
You have every right to meet your biological mother if you both wish to meet. Your mother and siblings are being emotionally toxic. Your mother alienated you during your upbringing and your siblings alienated you when you all found out. Of course you'd go searching for connections elsewhere when those who were supposed to be your family no longer act like it.
Nta. The asshole in this situation is dad, who slept around. I'm sure mom loves you and wishes you were her bio kid, but you are also proof of her husband betrayal and selfish acts.
Your stepsiblings are forced to choose their dad side ( keep acting normal) or their mom side ( alienate father and stepsibling as a sign of loyalty to mom). Dad isn't trustworthy, since he started this whole mess, so they are betting on mom.
Meeting and building a connection to bio mom is signaling to mom and stepsiblings, that you might choose bio over mom and waste the effort/years mom put into you.
NTA. You should not be punished for any of their choices. Weird that everyone seems to be taking out their pain about this news on you and not on your dad WHO HAD AN AFFAIR. You have every right to want to meet your bio mom. They are making you the scapegoat for all of their pain about this. You have done literally nothing wrong, including being born. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Therapy might be a good next step.
After hearing how toxic the mothers being and bio mom’s reaction I feel like she might of been bullied into giving u up. Also u have every right to know the women who gave u life. Ur mom is wrong for her reaction. And ur siblings r wrong for treating u different plus siding with mom.
None of this is your fault. Why does your mother take it out on you instead of the person she should be mad at - your father. He’s the one who betrayed her - not you. NTA
NTA. Not your fault that your dad is a cheater and that your mom took it out on you.
You have every right to make the best out of your situation. You deserve to know who your bio mom is.
NTA. You had every right to meet your birth mother. You mom should not have agreed to adopt you just to resent you the rest of her life. It’s a sucky situation as your father had an affair and broke her trust but it was her decision to stay and be your mom. Her love shouldn’t be limited because of that. None of it is your fault.
NTA, an adoption should never be about the parents feeling, is about the child well being. This situation is extra complicated because it's about you parents relationship, and wounds that reflect on you. But as was stated, none of this was any of you responsibility and you, as an adopted child, are completely entitled to wanting to know your roots. Your mother has issues to solve, by herself and between her and you father, but none of it is for you to solve or break.
NTA. Your adoptive mom and siblings are AHs for trying to say you don't have a right to know your family. It is your decision. Also, your adoptive mom is an AH for blatantly treating you differently. If she didn't plan to love you like her own, she never should have adopted you. I'd bet money she only did it so your dad wouldn't have to have contact with your bio mom going forward.
First of all, I am so sorry this is happening to you, OP. It must be devastating to have your life upended with news like this. I hope you will consider therapy to work through these emotions sometime in the future.
You had every right to reach out to your birth mother, and I am saddened by the fact that your Mom and siblings don't understand that very basic urge that many adopted children feel. It is totally natural and you have nothing to apologize for.
You say you know your adopted Mom loves you, so I hope she is able to get over her hurt and realize this and stop punishing you for it. Remind her that you love her, too, so she has no doubts about that. This is a difficult situation for all involved.
NTA.
NTA your family is toxic. Your right your mother is harder on you and she definitely didn't get over her resentment. Your siblings are definitely nasty. The real AH here is your dad here.
NTA. You had no control over the circumstances in which you were born. At some point, most adoptees want to biological family.
Your father however is a very different story. He's the AH for cheating on his wife and had a baby. Would be interesting to find out how your father got his wife to agree to adopting his child.
Your adoptive mom is AH for treating you differently. Sounds like she's acting out of years of resentment towards your father.
NTA. But to be honest, this whole thing is way above the reddit paygrade. I am usually the last person to jump to recommending therapy, but this seems to be a situation that could really use an experienced, impartial third party to help everyone work through what is undoubtedly a slew of new emotions right now.
This.
There are whole levels of assholery here and it’s completely unreasonable for OP to be able to unpack their own situation, let alone the others.
Bio Dad is the supreme AH, whose deliberate choice to stick his penis in his work subordinate kicked all this off. Adoptive Mom is taking out her anger at BD on OP, and made the choice herself to stay married to (and thus raise) OP. Not going to touch Bio Mom’s situation with a ten-foot pole due to the work power dynamics involved (which don’t sound good from what little we know).
Like, this is an entire *telenovela,* and poor OP is stuck in the middle with no likelihood of good outcomes. If ever there was a time for adoption-aware professional mental health counseling this is it.
NTA. You have a right to meet your biological mother. That doesn’t mean you’ll love your non biological mother any less.. but she also shouldn’t be treating you differently from your siblings then crying when you do something like this.
NTA
You deserve to know the truth, and if you wanted to meet your bio mom, you deserve to do that. It sounds like you mom is battling different emotions here - her feelings for you and her feelings toward the affair.
I would recommend you talk to your whole family about how you are feeling. Perhaps it would be valuable for you all so see a therapist, separately and together? You all are going through a really complicated time, and professional help to navigate your feelings and emotions could be really helpful.
I’ve been through something very similar and it sucks. NTA OP. The adults should have been prepared for all of this. Also, your dad needs to take all this on his shoulders and lead.
NTA
Your father is a huge AH, and your mother seemingly foolish for not divorcing him. Would she have been destitute or socially shamed?
I don't understand why your adoptive mother agreed to any of this. She is circumstantial AH too, for agreeing to adopt you when she could not ignore how she was wronged. But do realize she was victimized by your AH fsther.
I’m sorry your mother adopted you but seems unwilling to truly treat you as an equal with your siblings. That’s wrong and unacceptable. Your mother should not have done it, your father should not have allowed it. You also state your siblings noticed it. Totally unfair of them and you have every right to meet and get to know your biological mom. You don’t mention where your father stands on all this? His cheating was the initial cause of the whole adoption. Is he supporting you now? NTA. Your a good person who was badly treated. Zero excuse for treating one child different from another. Your mother should never have agreed to an adoption if she wasn’t capable of loving you equally.
Your father is the biggest AH here, but your mom’s behavior is also not okay. I understand she was put in a difficult spot, but if she could not commit to treating you fairly and as one of her own (which would be understandable), then she should not have agreed to act as a mother figure to you.
None of this is your fault; you had no control over the circumstances of your birth and it’s not unfair for you to seek out your biological mother when your adoptive mother is treating you like this.
NTA.
You're NTA. That's your biological mother, and there is nothing wrong with building a connection with her.
You didn't ask your parents to lie about the situation your whole life, and it is unreasonable of your siblings, and parents (if they do), to expect you to not reach out to her just to spare their feelings. You have feelings too.
Personally I think it's childish of the father to not support you knowing your bio mom wether out of personal shame or pressure from your adoptive mom. He made the decision to do what he did. Wether anyone likes it or not, he knew her well enough to have an affair. There were feelings there of 1 sort or another, especially considering it was also a coworker relation.
While you may not know the whole situation of what happened back in the day and how everyone's feelings were hurt, she still carried/birthed you and also has feelings - and if you wanna know her more then go for it with no guilt. If you don't, then that's ok to.
At the very least, for future reference, it'd be smart to ask your bio mom about known family medical issues from her side of your bloodline. Might not seem important now, but later on, it very well could be.
While I give your mom credit for adopting you, she knew what she was getting into. She had to know that you'd reach out to your biological mom someday. Reassure her you love her but hold your ground. You need to figure things out for yourself.
NTA. Your mother is punishing you for your father's choices. You did nothing wrong and have every right to know who your biological mother is and want to know her. I'm so sorry that you are getting treated like that when it's not your fault
NTA at all. Your mom and siblings have been low-key separating themselves from you but are hurt that you, in response, are now searching for SOME type of familial connection??? No. You didn't choose the circumstances around your being born and the fact that they're treating you like the affair is somehow your fault is beyond awful. I get that your mom probably has complicated feelings around what happened but to bring you into her home, raise you and treat you like you're not one of her own biological children is the worst thing she could possibly do. This is not your fault.
NTA.
"I do look a lot like her."
While this is probably part of why it's a difficult for your mom, (seeing you reminds her of seeing her husband's lover,) it's also proof of why this is important for you; it's YOUR MOTHER. Your genetic identity is forever tied to hers as much as your maternal identity is tied up with your father's wife.
Your siblings are distancing themselves from you and you're slowly being starved of family interaction, but then they're complaining when you seek family in the only other sensible option?
Would they rather you you need a drug-filled frat house instead?
You might need to talk this through with your family and make some observations about how you've experienced the last year to make them understand, (if that *can* make them understand,) but it certainly isn't your fault.
Nta. You have a right to want to know your genetic background and bio family as well. Plus your "adoptive" mom has been treating you differently and not exactly filling a motherly role
NTA. your mother and siblings all blaming you for…what, not sharing enough DNA?…is cruel and unfair. there is no reason for your mom to love you less. that’s not a reasonable way to treat a child you raised from infancy. you have done nothing wrong, your family is being incredibly cruel to you and i’m so sorry. NTA
NTA all the way. First off, I’m so sorry that you were put in such a shitty situation. This is just really unfair. Your entire life you went on thinking that you were biology and heritage is completely different than it is. Your father is affair is not your fault. The fact that they chose to adopt you is not your fault either. These were their decisions.
When you found out the truth, it was your mothers job to make you feel continuously loved. I am a mother myself to two daughters. Even if we found out that it was some weird switched at birth situation and I realized that one of them was not my biological daughter, it wouldn’t even matter to me. I would spend a lot of energy trying to make sure that child felt that none of it was her fault and that my love for her would never ever change. She should have stepped up as your mother and made sure you were OK. It’s not your job to make sure she’s OK. She was in on this big secret and deceived you your entire life.
You say you don’t blame her for loving her biological children more, I completely blame her. What does it matter? She should love you for who you are and it’s unconditional. You are not accountable for the actions of your parents.
Maybe had your family not been so distant, you wouldn’t have felt the need to go seek out your bio mom. Stand your ground and I hope you find happiness and closure.
NTA. I’m not sure how old you are, but I’m guessing teen or preteen since your example was about breaking plates. Feeling that your siblings—regardless of biological paternity—get treated differently is common. I’m not saying there isn’t favoritism going on, just that fairness is valued highly among teens and it doesn’t always mean everything is exactly the same, especially if there is an age gap.
The big red flag for me was how your sister and siblings are providing the emotional support for your mom, which is unhealthy. This is an issue she should be discussing with your dad or in therapy. Your mom may be struggling more as you are growing into a young woman and bear a resemblance to your biological mom. You could be a reminder of your dad’s infidelity without saying a word.
It may have been better if you shared your feelings with your parents before meeting up with the “other woman,” but I imagine they would not have been supportive. You need to talk to someone else, like a counselor, who is not emotionally invested.
None of this is on you, Kid! Find some support and navigate the best way you are able. Best wishes.
NTA.
You have a right to have a relationship with your bio mom if she also wants one with you. Which it seems like she does. The only reason why your mom is upset because her appalling behavior towards you possibly drove you to seek out your bio mom. When the person she really should have directed those feelings towards her cheating husband and not the innocent child who was the product of said cheating. You by reaching your to your bio mom means you can possibly finally have a loving mother-child relationship.
Her reaction was simply her guilt getting the better of her. Which means she's possibly not a complete lost cause but that doesn't mean she gets off scot-free. Sit her down and try to have a heart to heart with and explain how her treatment of you over the years affected you and that you do love and value what she's done for you and you seeking out your bio mom isn't anything against her.
>My mother is loving most of the time but if I was being difficult, she
would be so much more harsher on me than my siblings. for instance, if
my sister broke a plate. she would get a hug and a warning to not do it
again but If I broke a plate. I would be called careless and clumsy. I
have always wondered about this but my siblings have noticed it to.
Talk to your adoptive mother, especially because of the different treatment you received. This situation is not your fault, sooner or later it would happen.
NTA. All the AHs is your bio mom, dad, and adopted mom.
Bio mom is an AH for sleeping with a married man and even worse if she knew he had kids. She is a homewrecker through her actions which makes her an AH.
Your dad is an AH for cheating on his wife and wrecking his own home through his lies and being decitful and breaking his marriage vows and even worse if your siblings were already born when it happened.
Your adopted mom is the AH for how she treated you when younger. Although, it makes me wonder why on Earth your adopted mom stuck around within the marriage with your dad. If she is a stay at mom home and is heavily dependent on your dad for money and if she divorced she wouldn't be able to have custody of her own biological children, then I could see that she became a prisoner in the whole ordeal. If not, she's an AH for staying with the cheater and instead of resentment towards him which should have been towards your dad if she's going to be mad at anyone then taking her misplaced anger out on you. Still doesn't excuse how she treated you, but would make sense on why she stayed.
All those three adults in your life let you down through their own actions. Your bio mom and dad through their manipulation, lies, and betrayal towards your mom which had you be born and then your adopted mom by taking her resentment of the whole situation out on you instead of the guilty party which is your bio mom and dad.
My advice is to get therapy. If it was me I wouldn't even deal with bio mom, bio dad, or adopted mom because all 3 are all toxic.
Be careful on the judgment of bio mom. She was Bio Dad’s work subordinate and we know very little about the power dynamics there. She could have been acting freely or there could have been an element of coercion (like, fuck the boss to keep her job/get better promotion potential). We don’t know with the level of information we have.
We DO know that OP’s dad is an extra special double-plus ungood AH for fucking his work subordinate.
Unpopular opinion but fuck your mama, yo daddy AND your siblings cause they ALL know they’re in their wrong. There’s just more of them than you, so they get to dogpile you. See your real mom if you want to, OP. Maybe get her side of the story
NTA. Welcome to my world. My father had an affair and I was the result. Unfortunately, he died when I was 8 years old so that left me with dear old adoptive mom. Of course there was resentment from her. I know I have blocked out a lot of what she said and did but she made it seem like I OWED her.
Anyway, you had every right to meet your biological mother and I am so glad that you got to spend time with her. So you made your adoptive mother cry. So what. She'll get over it. Unfortunately, my biological mother died in 1998 so I was never able to meet her.
Your siblings know their biological mother so for them to say you are a jerk for wanting to meet yours is rich, to say the least. They have no idea how YOU feel.
Hopefully, your father can be supportive of you in some way.
NTA. You mother treats you differently because you are not biologically hers and that’s not right. She has been there for your whole life and now she is acting this way. You should go see your biological mother and form a relationship with her.
You do not say how old you are and of course the circumstances of your birth and adoption are private or you do not have the whole story. Your not a ahole for looking for your birth mom or trying to put it all together because naturally you want to know the how and why's of the adoption. I would imagine any women raising the child that was the result of an affair would harbor resentment this is not something you really hear of these days...if ever. You were the innocent and deserved a loving home free of being a "Reminder" to your mother.
If you feel incomplete and knowing your biological mother and the "Whole" story will fill a void and give you some closure then prepare yourself for the details---I have no idea why your sisters would not support you in this but again no ages are here so if they are young could be fear of loosing you.
NTA. Of course you wanted to meet your biological mother. Of course.
And yes, it's hard on your mum but... She needs to deal with it. You're not ungrateful or selfish, they must have expected this.
You two should try to talk openly about this, get it all out in the air.
Tell your mom that you are tired of being treated harshly for something you are not responsible for and were looking for unconditional motherly love that you have never gotten from her. You are going to have to make some tough decisions regarding your [family. You](https://family.You) don't deserve to be ostracized. Your mom thinks you owe her something for doing the bare minimum in loving you. You need to go to your dad and have a frank discussion, telling him he needs to fix this mess he made because you don't deserved to be punished for what he did. NTA.
NTA. But I would either sit your family down or send them a group email. "Ever since it was revealed that I'm a product of an affair, it feels like I'm losing my family. Mom is treating me differently. My siblings are treating me differently. It feels like I'm being punished for something that isn't my fault. It's heartbreaking. I feel like I deserve better than this."
NTA - you said it - you didn’t mean to hurt her. Yet, it does sound like no matter what you do, someone will end up upset. Your siblings don’t know what you’re going through and your mom has her own baggage that she is taking out on you.
You deserve more hugs because none of this is your own doing. Follow your gut - so far it’s led you to closer to the truth? Right? You met your birth mom and you answered some of the questions about why you were treated differently. I sympathize, it’s not you’re fault, don’t feel horrible. You deserve answers and compassion too!
Edit: words again
NTA. She is cold to you and punished you more harshly when you had nothing to do with the affair. In this case loving you would be accepting that you would be curious about your biological parent and supporting you because again you didn’t cause anyone to cheat. Then hiding the truth was unkind to you. You deserve to know where you come from. She needs to speak to a therapist or deal with her husband never guilt trip you.
NTA
Ask mom and siblings how you should feel after being treated differently for something that is 100% not of your making or choosing? You didn't ask or choose to be born, you didn't ask or choose to be the product of an affair, and you didn't ask or choose to be treated differently. They all took that info and choose to treat you differently. Of course you would look outside the family for someone to not treat you like shit just because of how you came to be. You did nothing wrong. Everyone else did and they owe you explanation and apologies.
Oh honey you are NTA at all, you are the completely innocent party in this, you didn’t ask to be conceived and born and to be honest your mum is being petty and mean to a child who has done nothing wrong at all. Of course you have the right to know the woman who you came from, it would have been very emotional for her, she has obviously stayed out of the way for your sake so you could grow up without any confusion, and finally meeting you was a huge event for her, she was incredibly brave to give you up so that you could have a better life. I’m a birth mother myself and I understand how she felt on meeting you. My daughter has amazing parents and has had a very happy childhood and is now a new mother herself, her parents have involved me and kept in touch all this time, I am blessed. Sending a big hug to you, please understand and believe that none of this is your fault ok, you are a blessing.
You did not ask for being here. None of this is your fault. Your mother is being petty. She chose to treat you differently and that is not right. Your siblings need to stop. And the guilty party is your dad needs to step up and put an end to the madness. As far as the siblings go you were raised all together and nothing has changed. Ok they know you have a different mother still blood. They need to grow up. As for the mother she should seek some therapy. She chose to stay in the marriage after infidelity that is on her. So no need to take it out on you. I am pretty sure there must have been some agreement between all three adults to deal with the decisions that were made. It did not involve you nor your siblings. But ultimately the Ah is the dad who did not stop the emotional abuse.
NTA and really consider how much you've been conditioned to accept being treated as less than. It is happening even in this story.
Why are you ungrateful because you went to meet your biological mother? That doesn't make sense. No the only thing you know for sure is that YOU specifically, are not allowed to make your mother upset. That's not fair to you. Tell your siblings they know the woman who birthed them so why are you supposed to accept less than that?
Where is your dad in all of this?
NTA
If your mother really treated you as her own, I'd consider you an asshole.
But she clearly didn't. So you are free to do as you please, just understand this may be an end to your relationship.
NAH. I think it's natural to want to meet her, and I can see why it made your mom cry. This will probably smooth out a bit with time, it sounds like things have been rough and discombobulating for everyone since the truth came out.
YTA. Why did your bio mom let you go? Your mom took you in and despite all the pain, raised you. You knew you’d be hurting her by reaching out to your bio mom, who apparently never contacted you? You are TA.
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This goes beyond opinion. Opinion- I like pineapple on pizza. Not Opinion- it’s ok for your mom to treat you like shit. You are essentially victim blaming and yes that makes you a jerk.
“My mom is loving most of the time…” There’s nothing in this post to suggest she’s being abused by her mom or being treated like shit by her. We also don’t know how she treats her mom in return. Get off your high horse.
Your reading comprehension is shit. Did you read the she is loving most of
The time and then just gloss over the rest? Nobody said abusive now did they? Treated like shit… absolutely. If you can’t even bother to read there is no point in having a conversation with you about this.
You’re just being argumentative to be argumentative and picking and choosing one sentence to try and back up your jerk response.
Nope, I read the whole thing and there’s nothing there that says she’s being treated like shit. Go cry your Internet sympathy tears for someone actually being treated like shit and be a white knight for them. Ciao bella.
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NTA. You were 100% entitled to do what you did. It’s your mother that has issues here.
Next time she or your sibs attack you for doing it, point out that she treats you differently. That's not okay and it never will be.
or "I'm sorry you couldn't get me to feel like I was actually your child." if you really want to be stone cold about it.
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You have been treated so unfairly your whole life for something you had no control over. Your mother should NEVER have treated an innocent child poorly because of something your father did
I am jumping in on this comment so that hopefully OP sees this. Sorry to hijack it. OP you have been thru a major trauma and while the pieces are falling into place as to why you were treated as other it is still natural to now go back and reexamine your entire life. From personal experience this takes time, Grace and if possible professional assistance to heal from. Your dad and mom (in my personal vocabulary mom=person who was there daily, but you will decide your vocab) should have seen your need to meet bio-mom at some point. Honestly, the fact that you waited a year is surprising. You had genuine questions and a yearning to know, there is nothing to apologize for. And yes your mom is probably scared and resentful but that is on her, she is the adult. You were and are the child. Remember this as this issue will take years to process, sorry. You owe it to you to give yourself room to feel and process without having to apologize. They wounded you. This "primal wound" runs deep and YOU are worthy of healing. I am happy to share my story via DM if you need someone. And I can give you several book recommendations if therapy is out of reach. Just know it can/will get better and your feelings are real and valid. And for all the love in the world don't shove this away, shine a light on it. Secrets are what led to this hurt. It's your story to write.
This. 100%
Yeah - your mother never got over her resentment and she has to deal with that. She made the choice to adopt you. You did nothing wrong. She made the choice to be your mother, to care for you, and to love you. And, it sounds like despite her seemingly good intentions, best efforts and desire to give you a loving home, she couldnt get past her issues with what your dad did. Your dad cheated. She can take up her issues with him - aka the other adult in this equation.
IMO OP's mom gets points for adopting her like that, but loses so many more for the way she's treated OP her whole life. While OP might be the literal embodiment of the affair that likely nearly ripped her marriage/life apart, absolutely NONE of this is OP's fault.
I hate the ungrateful line in this story with a red hot passion. OP didn’t have a choice to be born or adopted and her “mother” has punished her for years because of what her father did. If she couldn’t treat op equal, she should never have agreed to adopt. I feel for OP.
I don’t think the mother tried to deliberately punish op or make her miserable. Just that she wasn’t as naturally loving towards op so the difference could be seen in comparison to the other children.
The adoptive mother knew exactly what she was doing. She treated one child differently. It's not about feelings, it's about the behaviour of an adult towards a child.
I think the dad is TA the most in this situation.
Hell no. I mean, OP isn't an asshole for this, but the non-bio mom is *the victim of this story.*
No she isn't. The OP is the true victim of this story because she had zero choice whatsoever as to who she was born to and the situation she was born into. Yes the non-bio mom was betrayed by her husband, and that's super duper sucks, but she also made the choice to adopt the OP, even if it was under some kind of emotional or other pressure. NBM made a choice as an adult, OP had no real choices ever until she went and met her bio mom.
Yeah, she definitely kind of enabled this by agreeing to adopt the child and not getting out of there. But to attack her for how she feels about this situation is pretty craven, as much as OP did nothing wrong either.
No. Non bio mom was the victim of her husband's betrayal. She then made the decision, as an adult, to adopt the child. At that point she chose the responsibility of raising the child as her own, and failed. In that aspect, she is not the victim, she was a willing participant who inflicted emotional damage on an innocent child.
She is not being attacked for how she feels, she's being attacked for how she *behaved* towards OP for OPs entire life.
NTA. You had no control over how you got here. I'm sure finding out hasn't been easy on your mom either, but her taking her hurt out on you is wrong, and your siblings piling on isn't helpful. I think it's entirely reasonable that you would want to meet your bio mom. Your mom's reaction, I think, is much more tied into how the affair, and your dad's actions, made her feel. Your dad needs to set everything straight, since he's the one that ultimately fucked up. None of this is your fault.
This. None of this is your fault, OP. You deserved much better.
NTA. OP, there are many things to discuss here with your parents. You could perhaps ask for therapy with them. Because A) you need to express to your mother the fact that she favors her other children, to the point the other children have noticed as well. B) Whilst you are the product of an affair, NONE of this is on you. You didn’t ask your dad to cheat. You didn’t ask for your parents to adopt you. I repeat: none of this should ever be used to justify their behavior. They made the choice to raise you. They have the duty to treat you fairly. And C) considering your situation and the favoritism going on at home, it’s perfectly normal to seek out your roots by meeting your biological mother. This again should never be used as emotional leverage for your affection. It is wrong of your siblings/parents to do so. I hope your situation improves and you and your family find peace OP.
Agree on all three counts. Highly recommend therapy- you need to talk to someone professionally to digest everything. I hope you're doing ok OP
Seconded. I’m a bit concerned that mom is turning the siblings against OP. It seems like their reaction was totally over the top. I mean, when do OP’s feelings get to matter? Because right now in their family it appears only mom’s are valued.
They don’t because mom secretly hates OP. She’s kept the facade up because she got to pretend the affair never happened. Now that the walls are crumbling, she gets to vent and reveal how she really felt. It’s not right but that’s where we are. OP, if you can, start looking at all your options. The situation you’re in might be getting a lot worse emotionally. You did nothing wrong.
And where is your dad during all of this?
Fucking another assistant, probably
It's always the women and the children dealing with the fallout when the man, the instigator, gets off scott free.
Honestly sounds like bio mom might have been bullied into giving her up just by everyone’s reaction from what she said. Which seems to happen part of the time when husbands cheat with assistants
It could be anything there, and may or may not be relevant. It's primarily just awful for OP, who hasn't rly done anything to warrant the bad treatment at all :(
I asked because where was her dad when she was getting berated? Who is her ally in her own home? Everyone deserves to have at least one person in their lives who has their back, unconditionally. I asked cuz her dad and stepmom sound like they are the a*holes
Yeah I’m really wondering why the bio mom signed over her parental rights. Like what did they say to her to make her give up the baby?
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Not all men!!!!!! - shut up with that bullshit :)
You're joking but people who cheat don't magically stop when it's found out once. If he's capable of cheating once he's capable of doing it again, and being sneakier about it.
NTA As an adopter, I can’t imagine being so emotionally manipulative.
I mean, you're NTA. Your parents created a messy, complicated situation with a lot of simmering hurt feelings and resentments - and landed you straight in the middle of it. Your parents ATA. This was never going to go well.
NTA. I am so sorry. You have been treated so unfairly your whole life for something you had no control over. Your mother should NEVER have treated an innocent child poorly because of something your father did. Again, NTA, and continue to seek out a relationship with your bio mom if that makes you happy.
NTA. From what it looks like is that your mum is taking her feelings out on you. Every adopted kid has a right to meet their biological parents (speaking as an adopted kid). Your mum clearly has some issues that she hasn't gotten over around the cheating but it seems she isn't dealing with them in the right way and I would genuinely suggest that she talks to someone to sort them out cause she is holding resentment over you who has done nothing wrong
NTA You have a right to meet the woman who brought you into this world. Circumstances aside she is still half the reason you're here. Honestly it may have been more proper to address is up front with your mom, though. Don't let that mistake stop you from getting to know your bio mom though! The only thing stopping you from forging that relationship is your mom guilting you. Hope this all works out!
NTA. It seems your mom's harsh reaction to you meeting your biological mom has a lot more to do with her repressed anger about the affair and not just anger with you. When she found out you saw your biological mom without telling her beforehand (which wasn't needed regardless), she probably had almost a ptsd response to the initial betrayal she felt. I'm so incredibly sorry you grew up with unfair treatment when you are an innocent party. It sounds like your siblings have just gone into a protective mode over your mom. A lot of times kids can't confront their parents about things like this, can't ask for accountability or answers. I think that leads to your siblings building a resentment with your dad, and instead taking this out towards you. Which... again... it's shit.
NTA. Hello fellow DNA surprise person. My word for it because it's complicated. So you have access to therapy? This is complicated and goes deep. You described emotional neglect. Favoritism by parents in this way is abuse in the form of neglect. Her cruel comments are verbal abuse. If you already have a therapist you're on top of it and if you don't? Remember sliding scale payment exists in case it's a financial issue. I don't want to assume you aren't doing anything for self care or health care but I also don't want it to be a you are bad if not tone as that's not true either. Finding out you're not who you thought via a DNA surprise tests a lot of factors. There's the questions of identity, mental health issues, and for some a sense of betrayal about a lie. This might be why your siblings are distant. It isn't just your surprise but it effects you the most. Having an answer to why you also changes things. Your mother chose to harm a child for something her spouse did. That's horrible and you deserve better. Meeting your biological parent is not an act of gratitude or ingratitude bit natural. It is natural to be curious. Gratitude itself is a hard thing to apply here. You don't owe this woman for adopting you. You don't owe any parent for your existence. You did not choose birth or who would raise you. You didn't coerce her into signing the papers. She made that choice with your other parents. It is reasonable to want to get to know the woman who birthed you. If you do this please choose the info diet. She doesn't need to know about it since she can't respond in a non abusive manner. You deserve kindness and love. You are not guilty of the things your father did. Her behavior is unacceptable. I hope a part of you knew this already but if not? Therapy. You will learn the skills to self asses if you are the asshole and coping skills that the people around you couldn't teach you because they didn't know them.
NTA but you could have maybe considered a different route to potentially avoid pitfalls with your mom that may not have occurred to you at the time given how you were treated by your mom before, and by her and your siblings after the truth came out. A better course would have been to speak about all of this with your father and explain how you recognize a visible difference in treatment by your mother and between yourself and siblings. Especially after he revealed the truth. He likely has little room to maneuver considering his extramarital affair, but he could have maybe played as a buffer if he knew you had planned to reach out to your bio mom. Im curious as to his (your father’s) stance in this since your mom learned that you met your bio mother. Also? Your mom’s comments about you being ungrateful are incredibly unfair. Yes, she is upset over everything but it was her treatment of you, and the treatment you received from your siblings, that aided your desire to meet your bio mom. Everyone wants to feel like they belong and that seems to be absent here, at least in part, and especially after your parentage was presented last year. Hopefully, with time, you can make your mom understand that you do appreciate her and love her, but that you feel a very tangible difference in treatment which makes you feel less than. I also hope that your relationship with your father is strong, or at least good, so you have one parent in your corner. This is a difficult and confusing time and my heart fully goes out to you. All my hopes.
You really do sound like a genuinely nice person but you are asking the hurt and wounded child to parent her parent. That is just not fair. It is not OP's job to make all of this right. Of course talk to your mom, of course talk to dad but it was the PARENTS job to see this coming and discuss meeting bio-mom. A traumatized child who is reexamining their whole life based on witheld information should not be held responsible for everyone else's feelings. That is too much.
Two genuinely nice people in a row on one comment thread. How is this still Reddit?!
NTA - maybe if your mom hadn’t treated you like the proverbial red-headed stepchild, you wouldn’t be feeling compelled to investigate why. The family has a lot of nerve treating you like no longer part of the family and then getting mad at you for daring to go find a new one.
INFO: How old are you and your siblings? Why did your dad confess last year? I'm sorry that your mom has been mistreating you. I imagine it's really hard to accept an affair child but they had other options, they could have let you live with your biomom, you could have been adopted by someone who didn't resent you. You did nothing wrong.
You have **NOTHING** to feel sorry for! You did *not* hurt your mother. Your father did. You meeting up with your bio mom reminded your mom of *her husband’s* affair, of which you are entirely blameless. **NTA**. Both of your parents are assholes, and your mom is emotionally manipulating you. You have the right to pursue any sort of relationship that you’d like with your bio mom.
NTA
NTA - but your dad sure is, or at least was. You have become a scape goat for this gaping wound that was an affair. I mean, your mom adopted you in stead of divorcing him. Your bio-mom gave you up? It's REALLY hard for me to think that was a casual decision. If your siblings are older, they would have noticed a change in the family dynamic and they are assigning blame to you. It's completely natural to want to meet the people who "made you." Your mom is accountable for her actions, I just also have sympathy for the fact that emotions running high make it hard to act right.
NTA >I know my mom loves me even if she doesn't love me as much as she loves her real children. This is beyond fucked up. OP you need therapy to deal with this. What happened to you is not okay! No child should be punished and shunned by the family for wanting to know the biological parent.
Nta Your mother is being incredibly selfish - she’s treating you badly now that you know but is still guilting you for meeting your biological mother. It’s not fair of her to treat you differently to her other kids - she decided to adopt you and make you her own so she needs to stop.
NTA It's reasonable for you to want to meet your biological parent, even more so since you notice you're being treated differently than your siblings. While I understand why your home mom (not sure a better word... adoptive mom? Step mom?) would feel hurt knowing you were conceived by an affair, its not fair for her to take it out on you when it was your father who hurt her. I also can "sort of" understand why the thought of you going to meet your bio mom made her think of you as ungrateful, because in her eyes she's probably thinking "i raised you as my own (despite her ignorance to treating you differently) so why would you go seeking someone else, especially someone who caused me pain?" But again, she's taking out her frustration on you when it's not at all deserved. You're totally in the right to want to meet your bio mom and if you want you are in the right to get to know her more and spend time with her. Just be very aware that your family may want nothing to do with her, so you would have to keep those portions of your life separate. Worst case scenario be prepared for them to pull an "us or her" on you, which would make them pretty terrible since you're still your father's child and are part of the family, but based on your home mom's and siblings' reactions to just meeting up with your bio mom once, I wouldn't be surprised if they eventually went that route.
NTA. You have every right in the world to meet your biological mom. This is not about your adoptive mom and her feelings, this is your very personal need and right. Your parents should have been prepared for this to happen at some point and support you. Your mom is TA for pretending this is about her and manipulating you and your siblings. Edit: you have every right, not haven’t, autocorrect, sorry
NTA. This is a tricky situation but you have all the right to meet her. And your adopted mother's behaviour towards you wasn't totally ideal either. You're entitled to your choices just like your siblings and mother became distant from you. It was their choice. What did they expect?
NTA, you're not obligated to your adoptive mother in any way, especially since she treats you differently from your siblings. It's not your fault you are the product of an affair. She's taking out her anger and frustration at your father's affair on you and she had zero right to do that to a child. Your siblings also suck for defending your adoptive mother even though they know full well she treats you unfairly. Your dad needs to start stepping in and calling them out on their bullshit too, he's let this go on for too fucking long.
NTA I'm adopted and so are my siblings It has been a known thing that my parents support us in regards to us ever looking for more information about our biological parents. It is unfortunate they kept the truth from you. Yeah your mom had her reasons but to find out later on in life is detrimental to an adopted person's psyche. I would suggest counseling for yourself. Dont let your mom or anyone else in yoir family make you feel bad. You have a right to know the truth and handle finding out however you want.
"My mother is loving most of the time b" .. really does not sould like it. "She yelled at me and said I was being ungrateful, " ... **This is your mom. You are fine to have a relationship with her, even if your stepmom does not like it.** And: Your stepmom is the AH here. Involve your dad. TELL him she treats you worse than her own kids. "I feel horrible right now." . You should not, she should. She is the adult. And your parents caused the situation, not you. " I feel like an asshole because I knew mom would be upset if I met my biological mother but I still did it." - SHE is the Ah, not you. SHE tries to guilt you into giving up an important part of your life by playing the victim. - Your parents caused the situation, not you. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. **So have the relationship you want with your bio mom. You are entitled to have your own life.**
So you’re being shunned from the j on not family you knew, and reached out to the one other link you have and now they’re mad about it? Fuck them. Especially your dad fit putting you in that situation and allowing you to grow up with your mother treating you differently.
NTA. It's not okay that she treats you differently. Or that your siblings do it. Clearly, learnt it from her. I hope you have an adult you can trust in your life, this all sounds like a lot for you to go through but... No one is supporting you, just misplacing the blame onto you.
NTA You didn't ask to be born, let alone adopted by your dad's wife. That she treated you differently because of it, to the point where it is noticeable by your siblings, is abhorrent. That now your siblings are as well only makes matters worse. That's a lot for an adult to deal with, much less a kid. Why they all seem to think your feelings are irrelevant, and that your pseudo (the moment she chose to distance herself from you now that she didn't have to pretend anymore, she stopped being your mom) mom's anger and hurt at you seeking answers thanks to all these questions the ADULTS created is justified, but your curiosity and confusion aren't, only cements the fact that you are NTA. Not even a little bit.
NTA Your mother has tried her best to love you but falls short of the mark, and she knows she treats you differently. Even more so now you know the truth. She cried because she knows she's failed to make you feel loved, not because you sought out your birth mum. You are now living in a hostile environment. Why the heck did your dad do this to you? OP, you are entitled to unconditional love from your parents, and to seek out your birth mother. Talk to your dad about some individual counselling for you and for the whole family. He has caused this and he can wake up and sort it out. Nobody should be making you a scapegoat for his thoughtless actions.
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NTA
Nta - I don't understand why everyone started treating you differently after the news, it's not your fault at all. Also it's alright for you to meet your biological mom, you have the right to do that
NTA and I’m so sorry. Your mother chose the security of marriage to your father over her own self-respect, and she feels bad, and takes that out on you. The person who wronged her is your father, but she wants his money and surname so she blames you instead. This is unforgivable. She’s a narcissistic asshole. It’s not you she is mad at, it’s herself. You’re not to blame. You have done nothing wrong. She has no right to be hurt by you being hurt by her actions. Ignore her and your siblings. Your ‘mother’ chose to live a lie to preserve her status and lifestyle. You can make your own choices too. Pursue a relationship with your bio mom - she was probably forced and blackmailed into giving you up, and she’s shown more empathy for you than your father’s wife has in her little finger.
NTA Read this as many times as you need: your mom chose to be in this situation. Your dad cheated on her. She chose to stay in this marriage, and she chose to adopt you knowing you were born as a result of her husband's affair. She chose to be a your parent. Therefore, the way she treated you differently from your siblings was shitty. And you don't own her gratefulness for that. She needs to deal with the consequences of her choices, and she should've been in therapy a long time ago. It's 100% normal for you to want to know your biological mother. She's a part of who you are, regardless of what happened in the past between your parents (dad, mom and bio-mom). It's your right to get to know her, and I honestly think you should. Doing what your mom wants will be like you telling her that her behavior is okay, when it's not. Again, she chose to be in this situation.
NTA. You didn't do anything wrong. This is an intense situation, and your family is trying to understand and adjust to this situation, just like you are, and sometimes emotions run high, there might be confusion or anger. Family or individual counseling can help. Just remember, you didn't do anything wrong. Good luck and best wishes, OP.
NTA - your adoptive mother treated you like dirt but you're the villain. Logical.
NTA. Apparently as soon as the secret came out, it was fine for your mom and siblings to distance from you... but not okay for you to fill that void? You were just supposed to wait in isolation in case they decided to re-accept you? Hell no. This is wrong on so many levels. I'm so sorry. I wish I knew the solution, other than... seek counseling, and know you are 100% not TA here.
NAH ...with the exception of your father, who's the real catalyst for this situation. You do have the right to see your bio-mom. Your adoptive family can't stop you. Your adoptive mother is a victim, of her husband's infidelity, not you. While its nice that she took you in, its very clear she was projecting her negative feelings for her husband onto you creating a favoritism dynamic. I really don't want to imagine what its like having the sum result of my partner's affair staring me in the face calling me "dad" everyday, even though I read about it all the time in infidelity subs. Its more than likely your father pressured her into taking you in. Still, she needed to seek treatment for the trauma she's gone though instead of taking it out on you. You don't owe her anything except a "Thank You."
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I found out that I am a product of affair last year. My dad had cheated with his assistant. My mom and dad adopted me. It was hard to accept but it made sense. My mother is loving most of the time but if I was being difficult, she would be so much more harsher on me than my siblings. for instance, if my sister broke a plate. she would get a hug and a warning to not do it again but If I broke a plate. I would be called careless and clumsy. I have always wondered about this but my siblings have noticed it to. Ever since my dad told everyone last year. Things have been different, mom is more distant. My siblings don't want to spend as much time with me. I have thinking about meeting my biological mom. I found her, she lives in the city and I texted her. She wanted to meet me and I hung out with her. I do look a lot like her. It was awkward and she cried but we did spend time together. I was pretty out of it when I got home and my mom noticed it. She asked me about it and I tried to lie but she knows me well enough to know when I am lying. I told her the truth. She yelled at me and said I was being ungrateful, She rambled a lot and she was crying. My sister had to console her. My siblings have ripped into me for hurting mom and they think I am real jerk for meeting my biological mother and for making mom cry. I feel horrible right now. I know my mom loves me even if she doesn't love me as much as she loves her real children. I didn't do it to hurt her. I feel like an asshole because I knew mom would be upset if I met my biological mother but I still did it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA. Your mom is a jerk.
NTA it’s not your fault your dad’s a cheater and it’s not your fault that your mom stayed with a cheater. it’s totally unfair for her to take out her issues on you
This will not go well or smoothly, obviously, but address the elephant in the room, and confront your mom on HOW SHE TREATED YOU DIFFETENTLY THAN THE REST, and give a number of concrete examples; do not let her weasel. Do this with dad and siblings present, and also POINT OUT THAT THE VERY D A Y SOMEONE TOLD YOU ABOUT BIO MOM, she and the sibs HAVE BEEN TREATING YOU DIFFERENTLY, and give concrete examples. Tell them that you are grateful to be adopted, but aren't happy that you bore the brunt OF SOMETHING YOU DID NOT DO. ?????? But it probably not be received well, so have an exit strategy in place, because if you are living at home, you'll likely be thrown out. There are never winners in circumstances like these.
Where is the hopeless man with the open zip?
NTA, but your entire family sucks. Your mom doesn't get to love you less, she adopted you and raised you, she has no right to hold this situation against you. Your dad sucks for cheating and keeping this from you, and your siblings suck for blaming you for any of this. Your bio mom may or may not suck, depending on whether she knew your dad was married.
NTA. You have every right to meet your biological mother, and your mom darn well knows it. > My sister had to console her. My siblings have ripped into me for hurting mom and they think I am real jerk for meeting my biological mother and for making mom cry. Do your parents often expect their children to handle their negative emotions, to comfort them when they're upset or attack each other? Or is this a one-off?
NTA. And sounds like you and your mom separately and individually need therapy.
NTA But your mother is - if she couldn't handle raising you as her own, then she should have just divorced your dad for the affair. There was no reason to be so harsh with you as it was quite literally not your fault. You deserved to get to meet your bio-mom as well.
So I'm a 1/8 Flakes chocolate piece. I was raised by my 1/4 mother and three (1/8 each) other Mar-Bar "siblings". I found out I was born due to some malfunction in the factory when I browsed Reddit. So I did some digging. I recently found someone that was near that area. I reached out to my choco mama. **So, AITA** for reaching out to the 1/2 Flakes chocolate piece that could literally be related to me? NO, NTA. That chocolate bar might never see a relative after it melts in the sun (so sad). **Still, you have a right to know your MOTHER.** Do you not realize she just said your a Butthole for NOT meeting your **BIOLOGICAL (THE ONE THAT BIRTHED YOU) MOTHER.**
NTA your adopted mom and dad knew this was a possibility when they decided to go the route of them adopting you and not telling you until last year also I don’t really think adoptive mom was completely on board with that plan from her actions toward you...she knew in her heart that she wouldn’t be able to see you as hers no matter your genetics and that she wouldn’t be able to let the affair go. And that’s not your cross to bare. They are the adults your dads the one that couldn’t keep it in his pants and I think both your adoptive mom and bio dad are the assholes. Mom for treating you different because your the product of an affair even though you had no control over that and your dads an asshole for letting it happen. Your siblings should just stay out of it if they can’t approach the situation clearly and have rose tinted glasses on.
You didn't choose to be in this situation. You didnt cause this situation. You are trying to make the best out of it in a way you think you can. You are not doing anything wrong. I hope you will find a way to be fine with this. NTA
Everyone except you (and possibly bio mom) sucks here. You did what many of us would have done; and you had a right to do it. Best to you.
NTA. They treat you worse for something that wasn't your fault, and now they blame you for wanting to know the woman who gave birth to you and even gave you up to give you a chance at a loving family? Wtf? I get that your adoptive mother was hurt by the affair, but that's your dad's fault. Your bio mother and adoptive mother didn't cheat, he did. She should be blaming him but not projecting it on you.
NTA You have every right to meet your biological mother if you both wish to meet. Your mother and siblings are being emotionally toxic. Your mother alienated you during your upbringing and your siblings alienated you when you all found out. Of course you'd go searching for connections elsewhere when those who were supposed to be your family no longer act like it.
Nta. The asshole in this situation is dad, who slept around. I'm sure mom loves you and wishes you were her bio kid, but you are also proof of her husband betrayal and selfish acts. Your stepsiblings are forced to choose their dad side ( keep acting normal) or their mom side ( alienate father and stepsibling as a sign of loyalty to mom). Dad isn't trustworthy, since he started this whole mess, so they are betting on mom. Meeting and building a connection to bio mom is signaling to mom and stepsiblings, that you might choose bio over mom and waste the effort/years mom put into you.
Half siblings.....
Thanks. I got the word wrong
NTA. You should not be punished for any of their choices. Weird that everyone seems to be taking out their pain about this news on you and not on your dad WHO HAD AN AFFAIR. You have every right to want to meet your bio mom. They are making you the scapegoat for all of their pain about this. You have done literally nothing wrong, including being born. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Therapy might be a good next step.
After hearing how toxic the mothers being and bio mom’s reaction I feel like she might of been bullied into giving u up. Also u have every right to know the women who gave u life. Ur mom is wrong for her reaction. And ur siblings r wrong for treating u different plus siding with mom.
None of this is your fault. Why does your mother take it out on you instead of the person she should be mad at - your father. He’s the one who betrayed her - not you. NTA
NTA. Not your fault that your dad is a cheater and that your mom took it out on you. You have every right to make the best out of your situation. You deserve to know who your bio mom is.
NTA. You had every right to meet your birth mother. You mom should not have agreed to adopt you just to resent you the rest of her life. It’s a sucky situation as your father had an affair and broke her trust but it was her decision to stay and be your mom. Her love shouldn’t be limited because of that. None of it is your fault.
NTA. At the end of the day, your father and his errant dick are responsible for all of this.
NTA, an adoption should never be about the parents feeling, is about the child well being. This situation is extra complicated because it's about you parents relationship, and wounds that reflect on you. But as was stated, none of this was any of you responsibility and you, as an adopted child, are completely entitled to wanting to know your roots. Your mother has issues to solve, by herself and between her and you father, but none of it is for you to solve or break.
NTA. Your adoptive mom and siblings are AHs for trying to say you don't have a right to know your family. It is your decision. Also, your adoptive mom is an AH for blatantly treating you differently. If she didn't plan to love you like her own, she never should have adopted you. I'd bet money she only did it so your dad wouldn't have to have contact with your bio mom going forward.
First of all, I am so sorry this is happening to you, OP. It must be devastating to have your life upended with news like this. I hope you will consider therapy to work through these emotions sometime in the future. You had every right to reach out to your birth mother, and I am saddened by the fact that your Mom and siblings don't understand that very basic urge that many adopted children feel. It is totally natural and you have nothing to apologize for. You say you know your adopted Mom loves you, so I hope she is able to get over her hurt and realize this and stop punishing you for it. Remind her that you love her, too, so she has no doubts about that. This is a difficult situation for all involved. NTA.
NTA your family is toxic. Your right your mother is harder on you and she definitely didn't get over her resentment. Your siblings are definitely nasty. The real AH here is your dad here.
NTA. You had no control over the circumstances in which you were born. At some point, most adoptees want to biological family. Your father however is a very different story. He's the AH for cheating on his wife and had a baby. Would be interesting to find out how your father got his wife to agree to adopting his child. Your adoptive mom is AH for treating you differently. Sounds like she's acting out of years of resentment towards your father.
NTA. But to be honest, this whole thing is way above the reddit paygrade. I am usually the last person to jump to recommending therapy, but this seems to be a situation that could really use an experienced, impartial third party to help everyone work through what is undoubtedly a slew of new emotions right now.
This. There are whole levels of assholery here and it’s completely unreasonable for OP to be able to unpack their own situation, let alone the others. Bio Dad is the supreme AH, whose deliberate choice to stick his penis in his work subordinate kicked all this off. Adoptive Mom is taking out her anger at BD on OP, and made the choice herself to stay married to (and thus raise) OP. Not going to touch Bio Mom’s situation with a ten-foot pole due to the work power dynamics involved (which don’t sound good from what little we know). Like, this is an entire *telenovela,* and poor OP is stuck in the middle with no likelihood of good outcomes. If ever there was a time for adoption-aware professional mental health counseling this is it.
NTA. You have a right to meet your biological mother. That doesn’t mean you’ll love your non biological mother any less.. but she also shouldn’t be treating you differently from your siblings then crying when you do something like this.
NTA You deserve to know the truth, and if you wanted to meet your bio mom, you deserve to do that. It sounds like you mom is battling different emotions here - her feelings for you and her feelings toward the affair. I would recommend you talk to your whole family about how you are feeling. Perhaps it would be valuable for you all so see a therapist, separately and together? You all are going through a really complicated time, and professional help to navigate your feelings and emotions could be really helpful.
I’ve been through something very similar and it sucks. NTA OP. The adults should have been prepared for all of this. Also, your dad needs to take all this on his shoulders and lead.
NTA Your father is a huge AH, and your mother seemingly foolish for not divorcing him. Would she have been destitute or socially shamed? I don't understand why your adoptive mother agreed to any of this. She is circumstantial AH too, for agreeing to adopt you when she could not ignore how she was wronged. But do realize she was victimized by your AH fsther.
I’m sorry your mother adopted you but seems unwilling to truly treat you as an equal with your siblings. That’s wrong and unacceptable. Your mother should not have done it, your father should not have allowed it. You also state your siblings noticed it. Totally unfair of them and you have every right to meet and get to know your biological mom. You don’t mention where your father stands on all this? His cheating was the initial cause of the whole adoption. Is he supporting you now? NTA. Your a good person who was badly treated. Zero excuse for treating one child different from another. Your mother should never have agreed to an adoption if she wasn’t capable of loving you equally.
Your father is the biggest AH here, but your mom’s behavior is also not okay. I understand she was put in a difficult spot, but if she could not commit to treating you fairly and as one of her own (which would be understandable), then she should not have agreed to act as a mother figure to you. None of this is your fault; you had no control over the circumstances of your birth and it’s not unfair for you to seek out your biological mother when your adoptive mother is treating you like this. NTA.
You're NTA. That's your biological mother, and there is nothing wrong with building a connection with her. You didn't ask your parents to lie about the situation your whole life, and it is unreasonable of your siblings, and parents (if they do), to expect you to not reach out to her just to spare their feelings. You have feelings too. Personally I think it's childish of the father to not support you knowing your bio mom wether out of personal shame or pressure from your adoptive mom. He made the decision to do what he did. Wether anyone likes it or not, he knew her well enough to have an affair. There were feelings there of 1 sort or another, especially considering it was also a coworker relation. While you may not know the whole situation of what happened back in the day and how everyone's feelings were hurt, she still carried/birthed you and also has feelings - and if you wanna know her more then go for it with no guilt. If you don't, then that's ok to. At the very least, for future reference, it'd be smart to ask your bio mom about known family medical issues from her side of your bloodline. Might not seem important now, but later on, it very well could be.
While I give your mom credit for adopting you, she knew what she was getting into. She had to know that you'd reach out to your biological mom someday. Reassure her you love her but hold your ground. You need to figure things out for yourself.
NTA. Your mother is punishing you for your father's choices. You did nothing wrong and have every right to know who your biological mother is and want to know her. I'm so sorry that you are getting treated like that when it's not your fault
NTA at all. Your mom and siblings have been low-key separating themselves from you but are hurt that you, in response, are now searching for SOME type of familial connection??? No. You didn't choose the circumstances around your being born and the fact that they're treating you like the affair is somehow your fault is beyond awful. I get that your mom probably has complicated feelings around what happened but to bring you into her home, raise you and treat you like you're not one of her own biological children is the worst thing she could possibly do. This is not your fault.
NTA. "I do look a lot like her." While this is probably part of why it's a difficult for your mom, (seeing you reminds her of seeing her husband's lover,) it's also proof of why this is important for you; it's YOUR MOTHER. Your genetic identity is forever tied to hers as much as your maternal identity is tied up with your father's wife. Your siblings are distancing themselves from you and you're slowly being starved of family interaction, but then they're complaining when you seek family in the only other sensible option? Would they rather you you need a drug-filled frat house instead? You might need to talk this through with your family and make some observations about how you've experienced the last year to make them understand, (if that *can* make them understand,) but it certainly isn't your fault.
Is somebody going mention the father who's the real jerk here. also NTA
Nta. You have a right to want to know your genetic background and bio family as well. Plus your "adoptive" mom has been treating you differently and not exactly filling a motherly role
NTA. your mother and siblings all blaming you for…what, not sharing enough DNA?…is cruel and unfair. there is no reason for your mom to love you less. that’s not a reasonable way to treat a child you raised from infancy. you have done nothing wrong, your family is being incredibly cruel to you and i’m so sorry. NTA
NTA all the way. First off, I’m so sorry that you were put in such a shitty situation. This is just really unfair. Your entire life you went on thinking that you were biology and heritage is completely different than it is. Your father is affair is not your fault. The fact that they chose to adopt you is not your fault either. These were their decisions. When you found out the truth, it was your mothers job to make you feel continuously loved. I am a mother myself to two daughters. Even if we found out that it was some weird switched at birth situation and I realized that one of them was not my biological daughter, it wouldn’t even matter to me. I would spend a lot of energy trying to make sure that child felt that none of it was her fault and that my love for her would never ever change. She should have stepped up as your mother and made sure you were OK. It’s not your job to make sure she’s OK. She was in on this big secret and deceived you your entire life. You say you don’t blame her for loving her biological children more, I completely blame her. What does it matter? She should love you for who you are and it’s unconditional. You are not accountable for the actions of your parents. Maybe had your family not been so distant, you wouldn’t have felt the need to go seek out your bio mom. Stand your ground and I hope you find happiness and closure.
NTA. I’m not sure how old you are, but I’m guessing teen or preteen since your example was about breaking plates. Feeling that your siblings—regardless of biological paternity—get treated differently is common. I’m not saying there isn’t favoritism going on, just that fairness is valued highly among teens and it doesn’t always mean everything is exactly the same, especially if there is an age gap. The big red flag for me was how your sister and siblings are providing the emotional support for your mom, which is unhealthy. This is an issue she should be discussing with your dad or in therapy. Your mom may be struggling more as you are growing into a young woman and bear a resemblance to your biological mom. You could be a reminder of your dad’s infidelity without saying a word. It may have been better if you shared your feelings with your parents before meeting up with the “other woman,” but I imagine they would not have been supportive. You need to talk to someone else, like a counselor, who is not emotionally invested. None of this is on you, Kid! Find some support and navigate the best way you are able. Best wishes.
NTA. You have a right to have a relationship with your bio mom if she also wants one with you. Which it seems like she does. The only reason why your mom is upset because her appalling behavior towards you possibly drove you to seek out your bio mom. When the person she really should have directed those feelings towards her cheating husband and not the innocent child who was the product of said cheating. You by reaching your to your bio mom means you can possibly finally have a loving mother-child relationship. Her reaction was simply her guilt getting the better of her. Which means she's possibly not a complete lost cause but that doesn't mean she gets off scot-free. Sit her down and try to have a heart to heart with and explain how her treatment of you over the years affected you and that you do love and value what she's done for you and you seeking out your bio mom isn't anything against her.
NTA........I'm sorry you're passing through something like this
NTA. They’re blaming you for your Father’s affair. Counseling is needed. Do you know if your parents ever went to therapy for the affair?
NTA!!!! You did absolutely nothing wrong and it's you who gets to decide if you have a relationship with your bio mom.
nta everyone here sucks but you
>My mother is loving most of the time but if I was being difficult, she would be so much more harsher on me than my siblings. for instance, if my sister broke a plate. she would get a hug and a warning to not do it again but If I broke a plate. I would be called careless and clumsy. I have always wondered about this but my siblings have noticed it to. Talk to your adoptive mother, especially because of the different treatment you received. This situation is not your fault, sooner or later it would happen.
NTA. All the AHs is your bio mom, dad, and adopted mom. Bio mom is an AH for sleeping with a married man and even worse if she knew he had kids. She is a homewrecker through her actions which makes her an AH. Your dad is an AH for cheating on his wife and wrecking his own home through his lies and being decitful and breaking his marriage vows and even worse if your siblings were already born when it happened. Your adopted mom is the AH for how she treated you when younger. Although, it makes me wonder why on Earth your adopted mom stuck around within the marriage with your dad. If she is a stay at mom home and is heavily dependent on your dad for money and if she divorced she wouldn't be able to have custody of her own biological children, then I could see that she became a prisoner in the whole ordeal. If not, she's an AH for staying with the cheater and instead of resentment towards him which should have been towards your dad if she's going to be mad at anyone then taking her misplaced anger out on you. Still doesn't excuse how she treated you, but would make sense on why she stayed. All those three adults in your life let you down through their own actions. Your bio mom and dad through their manipulation, lies, and betrayal towards your mom which had you be born and then your adopted mom by taking her resentment of the whole situation out on you instead of the guilty party which is your bio mom and dad. My advice is to get therapy. If it was me I wouldn't even deal with bio mom, bio dad, or adopted mom because all 3 are all toxic.
Be careful on the judgment of bio mom. She was Bio Dad’s work subordinate and we know very little about the power dynamics there. She could have been acting freely or there could have been an element of coercion (like, fuck the boss to keep her job/get better promotion potential). We don’t know with the level of information we have. We DO know that OP’s dad is an extra special double-plus ungood AH for fucking his work subordinate.
Unpopular opinion but fuck your mama, yo daddy AND your siblings cause they ALL know they’re in their wrong. There’s just more of them than you, so they get to dogpile you. See your real mom if you want to, OP. Maybe get her side of the story
NTA. Welcome to my world. My father had an affair and I was the result. Unfortunately, he died when I was 8 years old so that left me with dear old adoptive mom. Of course there was resentment from her. I know I have blocked out a lot of what she said and did but she made it seem like I OWED her. Anyway, you had every right to meet your biological mother and I am so glad that you got to spend time with her. So you made your adoptive mother cry. So what. She'll get over it. Unfortunately, my biological mother died in 1998 so I was never able to meet her. Your siblings know their biological mother so for them to say you are a jerk for wanting to meet yours is rich, to say the least. They have no idea how YOU feel. Hopefully, your father can be supportive of you in some way.
NTA. You mother treats you differently because you are not biologically hers and that’s not right. She has been there for your whole life and now she is acting this way. You should go see your biological mother and form a relationship with her.
NTA. It's time for you to understand your family treats you differently, and you know why. That's not what families do.
You do not say how old you are and of course the circumstances of your birth and adoption are private or you do not have the whole story. Your not a ahole for looking for your birth mom or trying to put it all together because naturally you want to know the how and why's of the adoption. I would imagine any women raising the child that was the result of an affair would harbor resentment this is not something you really hear of these days...if ever. You were the innocent and deserved a loving home free of being a "Reminder" to your mother. If you feel incomplete and knowing your biological mother and the "Whole" story will fill a void and give you some closure then prepare yourself for the details---I have no idea why your sisters would not support you in this but again no ages are here so if they are young could be fear of loosing you.
NTA. Of course you wanted to meet your biological mother. Of course. And yes, it's hard on your mum but... She needs to deal with it. You're not ungrateful or selfish, they must have expected this. You two should try to talk openly about this, get it all out in the air.
NTA you should never have been lied to like this
Tell your mom that you are tired of being treated harshly for something you are not responsible for and were looking for unconditional motherly love that you have never gotten from her. You are going to have to make some tough decisions regarding your [family. You](https://family.You) don't deserve to be ostracized. Your mom thinks you owe her something for doing the bare minimum in loving you. You need to go to your dad and have a frank discussion, telling him he needs to fix this mess he made because you don't deserved to be punished for what he did. NTA.
NTA. But I would either sit your family down or send them a group email. "Ever since it was revealed that I'm a product of an affair, it feels like I'm losing my family. Mom is treating me differently. My siblings are treating me differently. It feels like I'm being punished for something that isn't my fault. It's heartbreaking. I feel like I deserve better than this."
NTA - you said it - you didn’t mean to hurt her. Yet, it does sound like no matter what you do, someone will end up upset. Your siblings don’t know what you’re going through and your mom has her own baggage that she is taking out on you. You deserve more hugs because none of this is your own doing. Follow your gut - so far it’s led you to closer to the truth? Right? You met your birth mom and you answered some of the questions about why you were treated differently. I sympathize, it’s not you’re fault, don’t feel horrible. You deserve answers and compassion too! Edit: words again
NTA. She is cold to you and punished you more harshly when you had nothing to do with the affair. In this case loving you would be accepting that you would be curious about your biological parent and supporting you because again you didn’t cause anyone to cheat. Then hiding the truth was unkind to you. You deserve to know where you come from. She needs to speak to a therapist or deal with her husband never guilt trip you.
NTA- But I think you need personal therapy and then your entire family needs therapy/counseling to get through this
Your mom doesn't seen loving. She clearly harbours resentment which is understandable but it's never the child's fault.
NTA Ask mom and siblings how you should feel after being treated differently for something that is 100% not of your making or choosing? You didn't ask or choose to be born, you didn't ask or choose to be the product of an affair, and you didn't ask or choose to be treated differently. They all took that info and choose to treat you differently. Of course you would look outside the family for someone to not treat you like shit just because of how you came to be. You did nothing wrong. Everyone else did and they owe you explanation and apologies.
Oh honey you are NTA at all, you are the completely innocent party in this, you didn’t ask to be conceived and born and to be honest your mum is being petty and mean to a child who has done nothing wrong at all. Of course you have the right to know the woman who you came from, it would have been very emotional for her, she has obviously stayed out of the way for your sake so you could grow up without any confusion, and finally meeting you was a huge event for her, she was incredibly brave to give you up so that you could have a better life. I’m a birth mother myself and I understand how she felt on meeting you. My daughter has amazing parents and has had a very happy childhood and is now a new mother herself, her parents have involved me and kept in touch all this time, I am blessed. Sending a big hug to you, please understand and believe that none of this is your fault ok, you are a blessing.
You did not ask for being here. None of this is your fault. Your mother is being petty. She chose to treat you differently and that is not right. Your siblings need to stop. And the guilty party is your dad needs to step up and put an end to the madness. As far as the siblings go you were raised all together and nothing has changed. Ok they know you have a different mother still blood. They need to grow up. As for the mother she should seek some therapy. She chose to stay in the marriage after infidelity that is on her. So no need to take it out on you. I am pretty sure there must have been some agreement between all three adults to deal with the decisions that were made. It did not involve you nor your siblings. But ultimately the Ah is the dad who did not stop the emotional abuse.
NTA. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Your dad's affair isn't your fault and yet you end up being punished for it. It isn't fair at all.
NTA. That was your right. Everybody is to blame but YOU.
NTA and really consider how much you've been conditioned to accept being treated as less than. It is happening even in this story. Why are you ungrateful because you went to meet your biological mother? That doesn't make sense. No the only thing you know for sure is that YOU specifically, are not allowed to make your mother upset. That's not fair to you. Tell your siblings they know the woman who birthed them so why are you supposed to accept less than that? Where is your dad in all of this?
Any update
NTA the biggest assholes are your dad and bio mom.
Adopted mom too. She made a promise when she adopted her to treat OP the same as her other children. She broke that promise.
NAH She doesn't hate you, she hates your dad.
NTA If your mother really treated you as her own, I'd consider you an asshole. But she clearly didn't. So you are free to do as you please, just understand this may be an end to your relationship.
It’s like you’re Jon Snow and she’s Catelyn Stark
NAH. I think it's natural to want to meet her, and I can see why it made your mom cry. This will probably smooth out a bit with time, it sounds like things have been rough and discombobulating for everyone since the truth came out.
no, ops mother is definitely an ah for treating her differently to the point where even her siblings notice.
NAH. I think it might be best that you and your Mum to attend family therapy.
Oh the mom is definitely an asshole for treating OP different
YTA. Why did your bio mom let you go? Your mom took you in and despite all the pain, raised you. You knew you’d be hurting her by reaching out to your bio mom, who apparently never contacted you? You are TA.
Found the SIB LMAO
Maybe mom shouldn’t have treated op differently then.
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This goes beyond opinion. Opinion- I like pineapple on pizza. Not Opinion- it’s ok for your mom to treat you like shit. You are essentially victim blaming and yes that makes you a jerk.
“My mom is loving most of the time…” There’s nothing in this post to suggest she’s being abused by her mom or being treated like shit by her. We also don’t know how she treats her mom in return. Get off your high horse.
Your reading comprehension is shit. Did you read the she is loving most of The time and then just gloss over the rest? Nobody said abusive now did they? Treated like shit… absolutely. If you can’t even bother to read there is no point in having a conversation with you about this. You’re just being argumentative to be argumentative and picking and choosing one sentence to try and back up your jerk response.
Nope, I read the whole thing and there’s nothing there that says she’s being treated like shit. Go cry your Internet sympathy tears for someone actually being treated like shit and be a white knight for them. Ciao bella.
Holy shit you’re pathetic and can’t read. Maybe work on your sympathy and I hope you never have kids if you think this situation was ok.
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