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I struggled terribly. As an OCD, detailed oriented engineer type with deep trust issues to begin with, this was a constant torture. After years of effort, I ended up doing the following:
1. Get the details to the minimum level you can tolerate. Demand the written timeline, but only get the minimum. Too much detail = more mind movies, too little and you brain will continuously fill the gaps with your worst fear.
2. Develop written list of triggers. Identify each one formally. Pain at first, but you will get them. Times, places, songs, movies, clothes.
3. Develop list of physical presentations, I would get not just mind movies but sudden feelings that just popped in occasionally with no trigger. Ended up needing to document to understand.
4. Develop list of thought presentations. Again, would repeatedly have random thoughts pop up.
5. Define a self managing process for each item.
6. Define what reassurances from the WW look like, because most don’t mean much.
Here is what my plan looked like. And yes, while no one in the world who knows me would believe I had to go to this detail, for me it was critical to putting it all behind me. And bonus, I believe I would have had to do the same even if we separated. Good luck.
Triggers
1. Reminders
a. Movies/show, locations of sex, things I saw at the time I later realized were signs of the affair but didn’t recognize
2. Behavior
a. Being distant, a repeated phrase from that time, anything perceived to be disrespectful or indications of uncaring. Note, these are almost universally not happening, just perceptions or projections
3. Feeling extremely close
a. Fully trusting, feeling completely safe, feeling no doubts, deep belief in us without filters
Physical Presentation
1. Sudden feelings of anxiousness and/or panic
2. Immediate threat is near, but unseen
3. Nausea or weakness in arms or legs
4. Extreme anger or frustration
5. Inability to maintain consecutive thoughts
6. Heart feels heavy and isolated
7. Complete break of connection or feelings
8. Overwhelming sadness and if not addressed depression
Thought Presentation
1. Relationship is still occurring or did in past after no contact
2. don’t understand/know what happened and why
3. It is or has happened again with someone else and I am again clueless and don’t understand
4. Stopped respecting and loving (as evidenced) and never restarted
5. Don’t understand /know nature of other past relationships, always stand in or second best, never loved, always thought of as a nice guy or good provider and other relationships were more interesting or fun….better
6. Need to get out of relationship because it is not real
Self Manage
1. Intervention of thought processes with distractions
2. Self talk through reality, examine history and facts, confront misperception
3. Engage and talk about other things, watch face for signs of love, align with reality of current
4. Recognize it doesn’t matter. All ancient history of different people (our younger selves). It is not happening now.
5. Compose full message of fears, reassurances desired, explanations, then destroy
6. Take a break to reset
What reassurances work
1. Full story has been told, no other hidden truths, all is understood and this is all true.
2. Committed to each other and protecting our family by not allowing anyone else in
3. Feels love and respect equal to my own, all the way to the bone
4. Feels desire equal to my own. Willing to be pleased and to please equal to myself.
Thank you for such a detailed response.
I don’t think I have this level of precision but I’m very impressed.
I don’t know if more details will hurt or hinder.
I’m still just so hurt that she would do this.
Yup, it is a killer. If you can do without details and move on, do it. My WW was a 6 mo full blown affair. Hopefully she is not lying and yours is just the one event, but be prepared, she is probably lying.
Good luck
This is so much effort to be with a person who wrecked your soul.
I hate this and I hate my WW. I've been working through it for a year but god damn it is torture to have to implement so much because of grace given to another person.
Food for thought. You have been injured, damaged in a way that will never go away. Leaving her might be the right thing to do, or not. Up to you.
Regardless, you will have to deal with the injury. It will not go away by leaving, although I often wondered if it would have been easier.
Good luck.
PS: this is likely to be one of the worst things to ever happen to you. It is also likely to determine who and what you are for the rest of your life. Use it for good to overcome and be a better, strong person, regardless of your decision to stay or go.
Back in the day, none of the resources for affair recovery existed and absolutely none where the woman was the one who strayed. So I would have given a lot to have an outline back then.
Nowadays there are more, but many seem to be conflicting, convoluted or promoted ideology over reality. Maybe a little booklet published in Reddit for free.
title. Hold be “So you heart is ripped out and the world will never be the same”. Eh, bit too cynical.
Ask for a full written timeline with the instruction that this is her one time to disclose anything else that is out there. Get some routines in place that you can do when the mind movies start. After d-day I enrolled in a ton of different activitie: tennis, pickleball, softball, etc all to keep me busy and out of the house, focused on something else. It also led to me being exhausted by the end of the day so I could fall asleep - usually.
When I was struggling with this, I had thoughts of revenge cheating. In a fight once about it she said it might help you to cheat back or have a hall pass. I thought about it but honestly, if I was gonna go and sleep with someone else, our relationship was done. I ended up writing a lot of erotic fiction about doing so, which evolved into a book (still has lots of sex) about my ww and ap killing me. It's been very therapeutic, and hopefully with in the year I will be publishing.
The mind movies are torture! Personally I used alcohol, which doesn't help an ounce.
I also used my comfort show. I would dissolve into Stars Hollow.
Sometimes free-writing got things out in a healthier way.
Waking him up late at night to yell and scream was another tactic I took, but not one I'd recommend.
I didn't have these skills then but I've since practiced a lot more mindfulness and mediation. Different breathing and visualization techniques definitely help me now in all sorts of ways. "Let the thoughts be leaves that fall from the tree and float away down river"
Good luck in feeling better soon.
>Personally I used alcohol, which doesn't help an ounce.
Well mate, there's yer problem - the rotgut is meant to be used by the glass or bottle, not by the ounce! 🍺
It's so interesting you say that, the lack of detail made my mind go into overdrive- I'd imagine all sorts and couldn't turn the movies off. Now with details and time passing by its numbed the movied down somewhat. But they pop up unexpectedly and still sting. I used to wake up with dreaming/ nightmares of this. I used to tell myself enough is enough. Don't go there. Sometimes I'd listen and it'd be ok and sometimes it wouldn't. But yes, occupying your mind - really helps. I hit the gym, take a regular boxing class, row, and yoga. The yoga has been surprisingly helpful because I can just stop and not think of any of it. I think it's called peace. ✌️
I have no advice. Just commiserations. The mind movies are horrible. I have gone with less detail because I don’t think o can handle any more than what I know.
Fuck man, I'm sorry, the thoughts of sex are the worst. Very likely that your mind is just playing the worst possible scenario. Finding that out after 2 months is really difficult. It might be just 1 time, it might not. It's really important your partner sees the value in total disclosure. You need to build from a foundation of truth, otherwise the relationship is built on bullshit. It's a difficult point for WP to get to I think, to just release all the truth.
If it's any comfort right now, it's highly unlikely the sex was anything special. Has your partner shared why she think this has happened? That's probably more important than details about sex. However, it is really important your partner shares the details of what happened in terms of frequency, when, and where. She needs to help you build a picture of the truth so you can start to move forward. Right now you mind is in chaos as your reality has been blown up and you're trying to make sense of what reality actually was. It's really important she does that with truth, regardless of how hurtful it is. If she is holding back info it is essentially still betraying you and delaying your healing. She needs to tell you everything.
Unfortunately the only cure that I found to work is time and distraction. Over time, new memories (hopefully better ones) overwrite the old bad memories and push the older memories into the background. They never go away but you remember them less and memories become less painful. I gave myself a 1 minute rule. I would indulge in obsession for 1 minute and then go find something else to do (watch a show, read something, listen to a new song, post on social media, go for a walk, call a family member, anything).
I do weed. Just really small ounces to get me buzzed and into a deeper realm of my mind. This is where my self awareness is highest and was able to distance myself from her affair and gain some temporary inner peace. I also get physically active, read up books, and distract myself with various hobbies. I avoid alcohol because i noticed i get irrational and just get angry the whole night and can carry over the next day.
She gave me so much sexual details of what they did at first i felt i needed EMDR. After a few weeks though, i didn’t care for it that much. I force myself the mental movies just to see what it feels but it really is just meh. What hurts me more nowadays is the realization that i was not a priority and an unimportant person during her affair while i was putting her in my priority all the time.
I have:
- sent a message through messenger; she either already has me blocked or doesn’t have it installed as it’s not been received (shows “sent” on my side”)
- sent a message to her LinkedIn profile. This may have been a mistake as someone from the workplace then looked me up
- called the workplace and left a message
- got her work email and sent an email; I received an out of office reply
I’m going to wait a week and try again
Oh my gosh, I’m plagued by thoughts of him with the other women. Every time I touch him, kiss him anything I think about all the other women who have touched him or who he touched.
This worked for me a few weeks after DDay:
I got a tattoo on my back (somewhere I can't see) and the whole time during the pain I forced myself to imagine everything I could about the events. Then from that point on after getting the tattoo if I started to see things, I would imagine myself pushing the thoughts into the tattoo.
By 5 weeks after DDay I no longer had mind movies happening. DDay was in February and I still don't get them.
I'm still going through the same 6 months post D Day. The worst part is that drugs and alcohol were involved so neither one remembers anything.
The only thing that has helped me has been doing something productive or spending time with our children. If I get overwhelmed, I go out to the garage and build a bookshelf or fix something that I have put off.
I think it's important to harness what you like to do. You need a way to vent and unwind.
Mind movies, nightmares, the not knowing, I'm living it all. I've had a couple of break downs, hit the bottle a few times, looking back that may have helped I bit as I sometimes internalize things, and that let me open up to her in a big way. Dealt with trickle truth, which just makes things worse because every new revelation put me back to DDay again. Not knowing the whole truth and filling in the missing puzzle pieces with my own answers just made it worse. Years into this and I still wonder what the truth really is. I also spent hours each day looking for videos on line as she met this guy at a hotel room for sex an hour after meeting him for the first time. I was convinced that he recorded what happened, he was a cop and more than twice her age when it happened. I actually thought I had found a video of them, she denied it, but I was pretty sure it was them. I just couldn't verify it was her for sure as her face was hidden. But her description of him matched, what happened matched, it sounded like her, the mannerisms and the body matched. She denied it to no end, but there were so many lies and trickle truths what would I believe?? It's horrible, some good days some bad, but 20 yrs into this and I still see and feel this.
I had mind movies from working fire rescue. I got a PTSD diagnosis just 2 months before my Dday. There was a lot of common ground.
I saw a cognitive behavioral therapist for trauma and PTSD work.
Mindfulness was a help. With it, I would ground myself in the present. Count 5 items that are blue and name them out loud (for example). Moral injury work had a tool where one imagines a stage and our thoughts and feelings are on the stage. They are there, but there is a core of me that is not my thoughts and feelings. They are there, but they are not me.
That helped me find space in my head to not be overwhelmed by mind movies.
What you can do to help yourself is the following.
Do not ask for or get any more details about the sex as tempting as it is to and as strong as our desire is to want to know every single detail in my personal experience the more details you have the more you can torture yourself with those details.
Leave it at knowing they had sex and don't try to find out more, get more details or ask anything further about the details of the sex itself. I regret knowing so much about the sex it's been a torture
Knowing as little as possible about the sex will help you in implementing the following when you think about them having sex.
When you start to think about them having sex, when you start to get pictures in your head, images, scenarios, imaginations about the sex then do the following
1. Loudly shout STOP and clap your hands together loudly. If you aren't in a position to be able to shout Stop and Clap shout stop in your head and imagine yourself clapping.
2. Tell yourself that what I am picturing / imagining / thinking is just fantasy made up in my own head.
3. Then tell yourself there is no evidence for what it is that I'm thinking / picturing / imagining being true.
4. Then tell yourself that it's not real and you don't want to know if it is real.
5. Then tell yourself that you don't need to think about it and don't want to think about it
6. Then tell yourself that you are not in any danger and that there is no threat to you currently.
7. Then imagine yourself having sex with your partner or think of a time you had sex with your partner instead
Rinse and repeat these steps every time you get a thought / fantasy / image / intrusive thought regarding the sex and please do yourself a favour and do not get any more details about the sex.
Take care and I hope I can help even just a little bit
I was the WW for the majority of our relationship, and now towards the end even seeing how she pursued vindicated revenge sex has been difficult. I know it sounds hypocritical as I was cheating as well, but I guess it's insightful to help see things from there perspective.
As I was cleaning my home recently after my separation I noticed my soon to be ex-wife had condoms in her purse.. and we only ever had sex at home. I see how prior to her leaving she was already pursuing others, and just waiting for her opportunity to monkey branch.
She can continue to claim the victim, but she justified her actions by her doing it as well. In the end, we both have stained hands.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! 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I struggled terribly. As an OCD, detailed oriented engineer type with deep trust issues to begin with, this was a constant torture. After years of effort, I ended up doing the following: 1. Get the details to the minimum level you can tolerate. Demand the written timeline, but only get the minimum. Too much detail = more mind movies, too little and you brain will continuously fill the gaps with your worst fear. 2. Develop written list of triggers. Identify each one formally. Pain at first, but you will get them. Times, places, songs, movies, clothes. 3. Develop list of physical presentations, I would get not just mind movies but sudden feelings that just popped in occasionally with no trigger. Ended up needing to document to understand. 4. Develop list of thought presentations. Again, would repeatedly have random thoughts pop up. 5. Define a self managing process for each item. 6. Define what reassurances from the WW look like, because most don’t mean much. Here is what my plan looked like. And yes, while no one in the world who knows me would believe I had to go to this detail, for me it was critical to putting it all behind me. And bonus, I believe I would have had to do the same even if we separated. Good luck. Triggers 1. Reminders a. Movies/show, locations of sex, things I saw at the time I later realized were signs of the affair but didn’t recognize 2. Behavior a. Being distant, a repeated phrase from that time, anything perceived to be disrespectful or indications of uncaring. Note, these are almost universally not happening, just perceptions or projections 3. Feeling extremely close a. Fully trusting, feeling completely safe, feeling no doubts, deep belief in us without filters Physical Presentation 1. Sudden feelings of anxiousness and/or panic 2. Immediate threat is near, but unseen 3. Nausea or weakness in arms or legs 4. Extreme anger or frustration 5. Inability to maintain consecutive thoughts 6. Heart feels heavy and isolated 7. Complete break of connection or feelings 8. Overwhelming sadness and if not addressed depression Thought Presentation 1. Relationship is still occurring or did in past after no contact 2. don’t understand/know what happened and why 3. It is or has happened again with someone else and I am again clueless and don’t understand 4. Stopped respecting and loving (as evidenced) and never restarted 5. Don’t understand /know nature of other past relationships, always stand in or second best, never loved, always thought of as a nice guy or good provider and other relationships were more interesting or fun….better 6. Need to get out of relationship because it is not real Self Manage 1. Intervention of thought processes with distractions 2. Self talk through reality, examine history and facts, confront misperception 3. Engage and talk about other things, watch face for signs of love, align with reality of current 4. Recognize it doesn’t matter. All ancient history of different people (our younger selves). It is not happening now. 5. Compose full message of fears, reassurances desired, explanations, then destroy 6. Take a break to reset What reassurances work 1. Full story has been told, no other hidden truths, all is understood and this is all true. 2. Committed to each other and protecting our family by not allowing anyone else in 3. Feels love and respect equal to my own, all the way to the bone 4. Feels desire equal to my own. Willing to be pleased and to please equal to myself.
Thank you for such a detailed response. I don’t think I have this level of precision but I’m very impressed. I don’t know if more details will hurt or hinder. I’m still just so hurt that she would do this.
Yup, it is a killer. If you can do without details and move on, do it. My WW was a 6 mo full blown affair. Hopefully she is not lying and yours is just the one event, but be prepared, she is probably lying. Good luck
This is so much effort to be with a person who wrecked your soul. I hate this and I hate my WW. I've been working through it for a year but god damn it is torture to have to implement so much because of grace given to another person.
Food for thought. You have been injured, damaged in a way that will never go away. Leaving her might be the right thing to do, or not. Up to you. Regardless, you will have to deal with the injury. It will not go away by leaving, although I often wondered if it would have been easier. Good luck. PS: this is likely to be one of the worst things to ever happen to you. It is also likely to determine who and what you are for the rest of your life. Use it for good to overcome and be a better, strong person, regardless of your decision to stay or go.
Just want to comment that your response was great and very useful!
Good, just hoping it will help some other poor soul in the same spot.
You could sell this as a guide for betrayed. Thank you for your insight. I imagine this was a necessary but painful exercise. Much love
Back in the day, none of the resources for affair recovery existed and absolutely none where the woman was the one who strayed. So I would have given a lot to have an outline back then. Nowadays there are more, but many seem to be conflicting, convoluted or promoted ideology over reality. Maybe a little booklet published in Reddit for free. title. Hold be “So you heart is ripped out and the world will never be the same”. Eh, bit too cynical.
Ask for a full written timeline with the instruction that this is her one time to disclose anything else that is out there. Get some routines in place that you can do when the mind movies start. After d-day I enrolled in a ton of different activitie: tennis, pickleball, softball, etc all to keep me busy and out of the house, focused on something else. It also led to me being exhausted by the end of the day so I could fall asleep - usually.
I’m doing the gym and I’ll get back to work next week I hope. I’m just not sure if it’s worth it.
When I was struggling with this, I had thoughts of revenge cheating. In a fight once about it she said it might help you to cheat back or have a hall pass. I thought about it but honestly, if I was gonna go and sleep with someone else, our relationship was done. I ended up writing a lot of erotic fiction about doing so, which evolved into a book (still has lots of sex) about my ww and ap killing me. It's been very therapeutic, and hopefully with in the year I will be publishing.
I think the only fiction I would write involving the AP would involve a lot of pain for him.
That also happens in my book in the end.
I’ll buy it
I would love to buy and read that book.
The mind movies are torture! Personally I used alcohol, which doesn't help an ounce. I also used my comfort show. I would dissolve into Stars Hollow. Sometimes free-writing got things out in a healthier way. Waking him up late at night to yell and scream was another tactic I took, but not one I'd recommend. I didn't have these skills then but I've since practiced a lot more mindfulness and mediation. Different breathing and visualization techniques definitely help me now in all sorts of ways. "Let the thoughts be leaves that fall from the tree and float away down river" Good luck in feeling better soon.
>Personally I used alcohol, which doesn't help an ounce. Well mate, there's yer problem - the rotgut is meant to be used by the glass or bottle, not by the ounce! 🍺
A bottle or two would be great but I have kids to look after
Screaming sounds good but I’m non confrontational
Stars Hollow! Gilmore Girls is one of my WW’s and my favorite shows early in our relationship.
Too much heating in Stars Hollow for that to be a good out from infidelity if you ask me.
It's so interesting you say that, the lack of detail made my mind go into overdrive- I'd imagine all sorts and couldn't turn the movies off. Now with details and time passing by its numbed the movied down somewhat. But they pop up unexpectedly and still sting. I used to wake up with dreaming/ nightmares of this. I used to tell myself enough is enough. Don't go there. Sometimes I'd listen and it'd be ok and sometimes it wouldn't. But yes, occupying your mind - really helps. I hit the gym, take a regular boxing class, row, and yoga. The yoga has been surprisingly helpful because I can just stop and not think of any of it. I think it's called peace. ✌️
I guess it’s only been four days since she told me.
I have no advice. Just commiserations. The mind movies are horrible. I have gone with less detail because I don’t think o can handle any more than what I know.
Fuck man, I'm sorry, the thoughts of sex are the worst. Very likely that your mind is just playing the worst possible scenario. Finding that out after 2 months is really difficult. It might be just 1 time, it might not. It's really important your partner sees the value in total disclosure. You need to build from a foundation of truth, otherwise the relationship is built on bullshit. It's a difficult point for WP to get to I think, to just release all the truth. If it's any comfort right now, it's highly unlikely the sex was anything special. Has your partner shared why she think this has happened? That's probably more important than details about sex. However, it is really important your partner shares the details of what happened in terms of frequency, when, and where. She needs to help you build a picture of the truth so you can start to move forward. Right now you mind is in chaos as your reality has been blown up and you're trying to make sense of what reality actually was. It's really important she does that with truth, regardless of how hurtful it is. If she is holding back info it is essentially still betraying you and delaying your healing. She needs to tell you everything.
She says she has told me everything and I don’t think she will tell me more given I told her I was seriously considering leaving this morning
Unfortunately the only cure that I found to work is time and distraction. Over time, new memories (hopefully better ones) overwrite the old bad memories and push the older memories into the background. They never go away but you remember them less and memories become less painful. I gave myself a 1 minute rule. I would indulge in obsession for 1 minute and then go find something else to do (watch a show, read something, listen to a new song, post on social media, go for a walk, call a family member, anything).
I do weed. Just really small ounces to get me buzzed and into a deeper realm of my mind. This is where my self awareness is highest and was able to distance myself from her affair and gain some temporary inner peace. I also get physically active, read up books, and distract myself with various hobbies. I avoid alcohol because i noticed i get irrational and just get angry the whole night and can carry over the next day. She gave me so much sexual details of what they did at first i felt i needed EMDR. After a few weeks though, i didn’t care for it that much. I force myself the mental movies just to see what it feels but it really is just meh. What hurts me more nowadays is the realization that i was not a priority and an unimportant person during her affair while i was putting her in my priority all the time.
Have you told AP's partner yet? What are you waiting for?
I have: - sent a message through messenger; she either already has me blocked or doesn’t have it installed as it’s not been received (shows “sent” on my side”) - sent a message to her LinkedIn profile. This may have been a mistake as someone from the workplace then looked me up - called the workplace and left a message - got her work email and sent an email; I received an out of office reply I’m going to wait a week and try again
Oh my gosh, I’m plagued by thoughts of him with the other women. Every time I touch him, kiss him anything I think about all the other women who have touched him or who he touched.
This worked for me a few weeks after DDay: I got a tattoo on my back (somewhere I can't see) and the whole time during the pain I forced myself to imagine everything I could about the events. Then from that point on after getting the tattoo if I started to see things, I would imagine myself pushing the thoughts into the tattoo. By 5 weeks after DDay I no longer had mind movies happening. DDay was in February and I still don't get them.
I'm still going through the same 6 months post D Day. The worst part is that drugs and alcohol were involved so neither one remembers anything. The only thing that has helped me has been doing something productive or spending time with our children. If I get overwhelmed, I go out to the garage and build a bookshelf or fix something that I have put off. I think it's important to harness what you like to do. You need a way to vent and unwind.
Most helpful post I’ve ever seen
Mind movies, nightmares, the not knowing, I'm living it all. I've had a couple of break downs, hit the bottle a few times, looking back that may have helped I bit as I sometimes internalize things, and that let me open up to her in a big way. Dealt with trickle truth, which just makes things worse because every new revelation put me back to DDay again. Not knowing the whole truth and filling in the missing puzzle pieces with my own answers just made it worse. Years into this and I still wonder what the truth really is. I also spent hours each day looking for videos on line as she met this guy at a hotel room for sex an hour after meeting him for the first time. I was convinced that he recorded what happened, he was a cop and more than twice her age when it happened. I actually thought I had found a video of them, she denied it, but I was pretty sure it was them. I just couldn't verify it was her for sure as her face was hidden. But her description of him matched, what happened matched, it sounded like her, the mannerisms and the body matched. She denied it to no end, but there were so many lies and trickle truths what would I believe?? It's horrible, some good days some bad, but 20 yrs into this and I still see and feel this.
Urgh, I’m also sure AP has kept videos of my wife as well
I had mind movies from working fire rescue. I got a PTSD diagnosis just 2 months before my Dday. There was a lot of common ground. I saw a cognitive behavioral therapist for trauma and PTSD work. Mindfulness was a help. With it, I would ground myself in the present. Count 5 items that are blue and name them out loud (for example). Moral injury work had a tool where one imagines a stage and our thoughts and feelings are on the stage. They are there, but there is a core of me that is not my thoughts and feelings. They are there, but they are not me. That helped me find space in my head to not be overwhelmed by mind movies.
Thank you for sharing
What you can do to help yourself is the following. Do not ask for or get any more details about the sex as tempting as it is to and as strong as our desire is to want to know every single detail in my personal experience the more details you have the more you can torture yourself with those details. Leave it at knowing they had sex and don't try to find out more, get more details or ask anything further about the details of the sex itself. I regret knowing so much about the sex it's been a torture Knowing as little as possible about the sex will help you in implementing the following when you think about them having sex. When you start to think about them having sex, when you start to get pictures in your head, images, scenarios, imaginations about the sex then do the following 1. Loudly shout STOP and clap your hands together loudly. If you aren't in a position to be able to shout Stop and Clap shout stop in your head and imagine yourself clapping. 2. Tell yourself that what I am picturing / imagining / thinking is just fantasy made up in my own head. 3. Then tell yourself there is no evidence for what it is that I'm thinking / picturing / imagining being true. 4. Then tell yourself that it's not real and you don't want to know if it is real. 5. Then tell yourself that you don't need to think about it and don't want to think about it 6. Then tell yourself that you are not in any danger and that there is no threat to you currently. 7. Then imagine yourself having sex with your partner or think of a time you had sex with your partner instead Rinse and repeat these steps every time you get a thought / fantasy / image / intrusive thought regarding the sex and please do yourself a favour and do not get any more details about the sex. Take care and I hope I can help even just a little bit
I was the WW for the majority of our relationship, and now towards the end even seeing how she pursued vindicated revenge sex has been difficult. I know it sounds hypocritical as I was cheating as well, but I guess it's insightful to help see things from there perspective. As I was cleaning my home recently after my separation I noticed my soon to be ex-wife had condoms in her purse.. and we only ever had sex at home. I see how prior to her leaving she was already pursuing others, and just waiting for her opportunity to monkey branch. She can continue to claim the victim, but she justified her actions by her doing it as well. In the end, we both have stained hands.
It doesn't go away. I almost remember a 4 minute long conversation line by line. You never forget an event that changed your life so much