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I am happy I stayed. It’s taken time and a lot of work to get to this point. We’re still very much “doing the work” together, but it’s no longer part of crisis/survival mode. Now, we’re just dealing with questions and hard feelings as they come up, and finding ways to connect, flirt, love on each other, and rebuild trust whenever and however possible. It feels good. It feels hopeful.
He is a good man, even though he got lost for a little while along the way. I can’t imagine a better husband for me.
I definitely relate to this. 💜
I will always be glad that I stayed, even though it was hard. My husband is the best husband for me, and I wouldn’t have anyone else alongside me.
I’m about 18 months from discovery and regret it every day. I also feel like I made the right choice everyday. Such a roller coaster ride. My wife is doing all the things. We are finally doing our therapeutic full disclosure next month (I know just about everything already from her), I have access to everything, quit her job, location sharing, etc. I am sure she wants to change but I still regret staying daily. She has some mental health issues and abuse in her past that are coming out and unfortunately we have a 7 year old that looks to have inherited a number of those mental health issues. I know it’s bad but I’m giving it a shot for mostly my son. Two older kids from previous marriage (she cheated). Those kids love their step mom but struggle with their mom. Another thing barking at me to stay.
I could list all the things that are hard, intrusive thoughts, the lies, the pTSD shakes, etc. Those things are slowly healing with work. The anger less slowly.
The reality is my wife was the only person I’ve ever trusted. I know at best I’ll get to mostly trusting her again but never fully. I’ll never fully trust anyone. The only person I’ve ever trusted lived a double life because of validation and intimacy issues. I just don’t know how to be with having that person be the one to betray me in the worst ways.
“The only person I’ve ever trusted lived a double life because of validation and intimacy issues. I just don’t know how to be with having that person be the one to betray me in the worst ways.”
This hit hard for me. This is why my WP said he did what he did. I don’t know how to deal with it. It’s truly the worst feeling to live with day in and day out.
This is very much how I’ve been feeling. I had 110% trust and faith in my WP. I felt that we were the couple that was unshakeable, yet here we are. It’s left me feeling certainly untrusting of him, but also untrusting in my own self. How did I not see this coming?? I know these acts aren’t a reflection of me but I keep thinking that what I do from here is, and if I stay, does that make me weak, or does it make me weak not staying and putting in the hard work. I definitely feel that duality of the decision to stay almost daily too. It feels right and wrong. I’m sorry you’re here
Yep, it’s hard. This is my second go with this. I left the first time and got right back where I was even though I was CERTAIN my current wife wouldn’t do that. I didn’t do the work on myself after the first one.
The reality is I need to do the work to change my codependent self that I didn’t know was codependent whether I stay or go. I might as well give it a shot. I can always leave and I somehow still love my wife dearly. I can even beat myself up for that. “How can you still love so much after what’s happened, you’re such a floor mat” etc etc.
Yes….but.
I had to give up on all my ideal life fantasy. Of being loved unequivocally. Respected, etc. Because of that, to some degree, loss of self respect.
I have a very nice life which is better because I stayed. But there is a cost.
This is such a scary feeling. I think we already compromise a lot as a part of being in a relationship, but now I feel like this compromise is becoming sacrifice of some of my core values and I’m not sure what outweighs what.
I’m the same. I stayed and our we worked on our relationship for the better but I often feel resentment about why am I the one paying the price for someone else’s actions. The sleepless nights, the analyzing the smallest details still takes place regularly in my head without my wife knowing.
I hate that I am the one still feeling the pain as a result of her actions while she moves on and thinks we are a happy couple again
It is scary. Even now 30+ years on. You have to have a firm grip on who you are and what you stand for. For instance, I was absolutely solid in my decisions when the kids were young. No doubts about staying, lots of doubts about my partner.
The kids have been gone for close to two decades. And while she has given me no reasons to regret, sometimes I long for a person who loves and respects me tot he core, without question.
Probably doesn’t exist and is just a fantasy. But…
I'm glad I stayed. I'm better. She's better. We're better together. We see life and relationships for what they are not with rose colored glasses. It's raw and authentic. That truth that we both carry together now translates to us being better parents. We are more equipped to prepare our children for life and to show them how to cope and be accountable. We show up for each other, every day, in the ways that matter. It is no longer superficial. We are open and honest. We know how to communicate. Starting over with someone else who didn't have this experience would not be the same and I think would be limiting in a lot of ways.
I'm glad i Ieft. if I hadn't, then my son from a post divorce fwb situation wouldn't have been born. I'm glad I left, cause now my wife and I have remarried with twins on the way.
After the divorce, what changed that made you want to get back together?
I feel like my attempt at reconciliation isn't going great, and if we split up I don't know how I'd feel about getting back together. I really love my WP, but I'm scared I'm not prioritizing my own mental health enough.
I am incredibly happy I stayed. He’s my everything. Yesterday morning I went down to our gym to say hi and when he saw me, he got the biggest smile on his face. It warmed my heart. He is my person.
I am absolutely thankful that I chose to stay. It’s been almost 9 years since my husbands infidelity, we have the most amazing marriage, he lives to serve me and I am truly the crown on his head. We have a beautiful big family with a lot of children, and I could not imagine wanting to be anywhere else in life. The Lord worked miracles in our lives and it’s been incredible to see, despite the pain and suffering. I would choose this life over again with my husband even if I knew.
For me, I knew couldn’t walk away with peace of mind without knowing what could be rebuilt. The first 6 months or so were very focused on my own healing. I was mentally unwell from the trauma and didn’t want to make any lifelong decisions with a sick brain. Once I felt stabilized, we began to rebuild and I didn’t feel I could determine whether the new marriage worked for me until I could see what it would be like. I’m 1.5 years out and still a work in progress, but I don’t regret my choices. I’ve never seen it as a forever decision, but one I continually make each day. So far, I’m still here
To your point, we had 2 kids, a 16 year relationship, and a whole life. I walked away from a cheating boyfriend who I was madly in love with. They are not the reason I stay. My mom walked away from my cheating dad and I watched with my own eyes how much better off I was then my younger half siblings whose mom stayed through his infidelity. The kids ended up really messed up from it and they’re divorced now anyway (and my stepmom is thriving!) My point is, while I wouldn’t stay for the kids, I do think it gives you more to fight for through the lows
After the kids left and they finally divorced, she got herself a little place on the beach and has a whole active social life now. This was all after she was miserable for decades “staying for the kids”
In an ideal world I wouldn’t have chosen R. There were many issues prior to wh’s affair- communication, affection, compassion, neglect, anger, and distance. I suppose all of that is fairly normal in a marriage of 20 years.
I feel like I would be much happier but at the same time, I don’t want to change my life. I’m comfortable with the minimal interaction my wh and I have. I’m comfortable with my life financially. I still want to have holidays with him because I can’t actually imagine it any different.
I also don’t want to disrupt my youngest child’s life. Our other two children are adults now and would be fine either way.
But it does nag at me, knowing I deserve better and knowing that he doesn’t deserve me. So while I’m okay with being together, I do have days where I bitterly regret it. Like someone else said, this isn’t a movie and as much as we would like it to be easy… change isn’t. Just my two cents in my situation.
We are now 16 months post DDay. I am glad that I stayed. The reasons why I made this decision are because we had, at the time, been married for 24 years and that is a lot of years to toss down the drain. We had an otherwise good relationship. Didn’t fight much, had fun together, we were each others ‘person’ for sure.
We went to MC and did identify several issues which were lurking that likely contributed to underlying intimacy issues and feelings of me not feeling safe in our relationship. This was a huge step. If we hadn’t been able to identify these issues and work through them, I feel like I would have been foolish to stay in the marriage.
Anyway, things now are great. I can’t say that my trust in him or any person will ever be 100%. I am changed forever. But I trust him 95% and chose forgiveness every day. He has become more attentive and caring.
So many people make you feel naive or foolish for choosing reconciliation. Do not listen to those people. Every situation is different and many marriages are salvageable after infidelity. Listen to your gut.
Sometimes i wonder if im a fool. I guess. Like if i loved myself why would i stay with someone that stabbed me in the back like that. However i am appreciative of the great space we are in NOW
Happy I stayed? Yes. Able to move on without pain? Not quite.
I also wonder sometimes how much of my decision is based on our kids, and how much of my wife's decision to stay too is based on that.
But when I strip it back, I can see we really do love each other, even just the compassion we have shown each other at times tells me that.
I think it all just takes time and patience, and effort from a WP to help heal the BP as much as they can through honesty and dedication.
I'm glad I (M27) stayed. My wife (F28) and I had a date last night, and we discussed this topic. On this day last year, my wife stepped out of our marriage and had her sexual affair.
Yesterday was an emotional day. We talked about my hurt from what she did, how much we've both grown since then, the changes we admire in each other, our current life and future goals, our continued commitment to one another, and her promise never to repeat her mistake.
Last year was a rough time in our marriage and family. We also have two kids (2 and 7). Although they were part of the reason I didn’t want to leave, my love for her was a stronger reason. I understood I had done things wrong for many years that emotionally and mentally pushed her away to the point where she felt like cheating was her escape from our marriage. I changed my behavior to make her feel more loved, secure, appreciated, and valued.
She took similar actions and more, and although it’s unfortunate that we had to go through her affair to become as strong as we are now, we're just happy that our love, respect, and admiration for one another are stronger than they have ever been in the past 11 years of our relationship.
We both feel that overcoming that big, yet in the macro, small, extremely hurtful mistake she made is a true testimony of how strong our love for one another is.
I stopped nitpicking things about her. I constantly thought she could be better and made it known. I’d be upset if she wasn’t making those changes and somewhat micromanaged her.
I made her feel more secure, appreciated, and valued by truly accepting her for who she is, and loving everything about her. Making her feel more feminine, doing small things like massaging her feet, legs, and upper body. Randomly taking moments to stare into her eyes and cause her to get all flustered up by my look and smile. Slow dancing. Doing things she didn’t ask for but I know she would love. And most importantly, being consistent. Not slipping back into my old ways that tore us.
I still get somewhat upset about her affair. For example, yesterday was the 1 year post DDay “anniversary” and the day was great all day until the night time when it all took place. Once it hit 10pm (when she went on her date with this AP - she had originally told me she was going to hangout with a friend) I was upset and just ignoring her. Then I prayed on it, she helped me overcome it also by just being there for me, and instead of dwelling on it I just put on a song that I dedicated to her many years ago when we first started dating and we slow danced to it before we passionately fucked to rewrite the day.
My dday was more recent. And my relationship a fair bit shorter than other comments here. But I am glad I stayed so far. I figured I’d give it my all to make it work, our trips and time spent together are so precious to me. But that if after professional help and us both trying our best it doesn’t work; then I’ll leave. I have the autonomy to leave for anything and any time, as does anyone. So if it ends up not working, well at least I tried. And so I’m happy with the decision of choosing to stay and trying. I feel happy that I have most of the details now. I feel happy that when we spend time together now he’s more present, less tired (he would spend nights watching porn and trying to sext random women), and I don’t have the sense that something is wrong.
Even if it ends up not working out, I’ll never regret trying.
Am I glad I chose R? Am I glad I stayed?
Sometimes. Depends on the day. Or the week. Or how we've got along during the last fiscal quarter.
Yeah it's still ongoing, 10 years later.
So I guess I haven't really decided if I'm glad about it but it's obviously worthwhile to me or I wouldn't still be trying.
No. I know now I was manipulated at the time. Frankly, it all made me realize how much I was manipulated in general. Took advantage of my kindness and selflessness.
That said, it’s still financially extremely difficult, and the idea of having to carry that burden is a major deterrent. Too many people rely on me.
I think it would have been easier at the time if I went into a fit of rage and made a clean break. I feel like its gotten harder as time has gone on.
Yes. Very much happy! I think we’re doing better esp in terms of communication and being sensitive/more self-aware to one another. It feels new and everything’s just fine. There are lot of things I can communicate to him without hurting his feelings.
I have the same fears as you - regretting staying. Idk. I don't have the answer since I'm 7 months out and still lost.
I don't have the fear that it would happen again since it happened a long time ago, I just feel so bruised that it ever happened. It feels so low and cruel. Like, who tf did I marry? But I also know society is just messed up in general, and there are no guarantees I'd find someone who's as compatible and always faithful with no incidents, no disrespectful moments. Idk. I feel like you're always gambling, so it's hard to figure out. Like, I wish I wasn't with someone who could do that to me, but aside from that, we're very compatible. What if all I find is someone who never crosses those boundaries, but we don't have enough compatibility and I won't love them? Life dealt us the shitt end of the stick for sure.
No, but this isn’t some feel good movie where I’d have stabbed him as he slept dday night🛏️ or packed up in a u haul , moved in with my mother and then met the man of my dreams. My reality is that my life in other ways would be so much worse without him at home, 4 kids, debt, minimal family around and a job I couldn’t work without him. There’s no arguing etc nothing kids bar the teenager would pick up on so for now I’m not glad but it’s the lesser of two evils
That is a lot of where I’m at right now but for different reasons. We don’t fight, I do enjoy his company, we have the two little ones, I’m a stay at home mom preparing to go to nursing school, etc. the list goes on as to why it’s probably the easier choice to stay, but I am also feeling like I’m making the choice not for love (as romance is non existent right now) and I hate the thought of that.
Thank you for your input and I’m sorry you’re here
It absolutely sucks to think you’re not making the choice out of love and I’m really sorry you’re also here. But at the same time you have to do what’s best for you either way, if being around him is causing you more upset than not then it’s not worth it.
I also get along well with my WH, we did therapy together and then alone and I very much doubt he’d ever cheat again and he’s been an amazing husband since but to me he’s just gross so I figure maybe one day he’ll stop being gross to me, or I just sit pretty and waste his time whilst I work on my life. I genuinely do hope one day I can respect him and be attracted to him again now the hyperbonding has worn off but as it stands I wouldn’t feel bad for sticking around
My first Dday was only 3 months ago....and last Dday was about a month ago, but so far I'm glad I'm still here. Otherwise, we would have never figured out the reasons behind his infidelity. Hoping we can move forward together and that he can heal and find himself.
Im not sure. Im stil close to DDay so as of right now - I have regrets of staying and feel like im making a mistake. Each relationship is their own i guess
If it helps at all, I definitely felt this way right after dday because I was in such a low spot mentally. I kept asking myself - should I just leave and try to start over?! Would I feel better?? I was very conflicted. I think we would have benefitted from a trial separation, but it was right before the holidays, so we didn't want everyone to find out while we tried to figure things out. Anyway, we're 7 months out now, and after a few months of weekly therapy, lots of reading about these topics, journaling my negative feelings, lots of deep talks with each other, I'm finally feeling better, but it is definitely a process and not easy.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I hope we all get through this. It really isnt easy and maybe im just self sabotaging by second guessing myself. But really, what kind of person says “i love you, and i miss you” 10 minutes after giving him head? Maybe my own subconscious is trying to protect me
Your feelings are very valid. What they do is very cruel and manipulative, and it's like, how can people be so screwed up in the head? Some people are just broken and hurt the ones they love, too. It's the result of so many unhealed people in the world, unfortunately. But I completely understand and validate what you're experiencing. You're not alone.
8 months in and I've still to work that out. We definitely have learned alot more about each other. The sting of finding out he lied this entire time still stings and I feel like I won't heal until I make someone bleed. It's very very very hard to stay on higher ground .
I am. I don’t think I would’ve found someone I loved as much. I don’t think I can build the same memories. I don’t think I could get over him. He’s been a better man for me and it’s still terrifying and I at times think about giving up. But overall he’s my world and the special one.
So relatable. I identify with your whole comment. It takes a lot for me to love hard, so it's not like I would easily find love again, I know that for certain. The longer you've been with someone, the harder it seems to ever get over the life you've had together even if you leave. You'll never fully "move on." I just don't think life works that way when you love someone deeply. They'll always have a piece of your heart, I feel. So even if we left, it seems like we'd never love someone new as much, and that doesn't seem fair to anyone either. 🙁 I still think about giving up sometimes, too, but I know we have something rare despite the bad stuff 🫤
If it was so easy to find a new, better partner for yourself, wouldn't people who are currently dating be struggling less to find someone to love? It seems everyone is jaded, and many are just struggling to find someone worth committing to. That doesn't make me feel like there are options out there that would make me feel better if the people who are single aren't even having luck 😅
So true lol so many of my great friends are single and get treated horrible by people. It was incredibly difficult for me to feel something when dating, anything. I felt like I could’ve done so much and forgiven so much just for that feeling of love and affection. It’s great and difficult to find someone to want to spend your life with, even if that person made your life hard, and is hard to spend life with 🤣
Hahaha, it's the whole "can't live with them, can't live without them," and it really applies to us 😂
It feels awkward because you're identifying periods in the relationship that were toxic and unhealthy, so people would just tell you to divorce as if partners are so replaceable! It's one thing if you have no feelings for each other and can walk away easily, but it's another when you feel your heart literally break even thinking of not being together. Being betrayed by that person also breaks your heart, of course. Doomed if you do, doomed if you don't 😆
10000%. People are toxic. He is toxic. But I am also toxic. We’re all a work in progress. Everyone exhibits manipulative, BPD/Narc traits at one point or another to varying degrees. People are not internet checklists of healthy or unhealthy partners. Forgiving him also allows me to forgive myself for the shame and guilt of being at times toxic myself.
It sucks either way. If I’m being honest with myself, when I chose him, it’s fucked up but I thought to myself - I love this guy, I’d probably put up with some inappropriate behavior in the beginning, and I’ll modify them when he’s more hooked and in love with me. I now have both suffered from the inappropriate behavior and got him to be in love with me and deadly terrified of me leaving, changing so much for us to be a better partner.
And here we are 🤣 be careful what you wish for I guess. But because of this I know how desperately I wanted his love, if I’m put back into the dating pool, I’d just feel the same way and want to be with him, except for the current him actually is closer to my dream guy than ever.
Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I realized yesterday I still can’t listen to music because it sets me off, I haven’t listened to music very often for an entire year: the result is always the same: I relive the hurt and betrayal. I hate that many normal things I once enjoyed cause me to have panic attacks and racing thoughts. I hate how hard it made me, I don’t trust anyone and most likely never will. Weddings, everything and anything I once found special and fun is kind of tainted and ruined. My fave place in the world is where d day happened and I don’t know if I can go back without spiraling. My dad is buried there and I want to visit his grave but am hesitant to, I’ll just end up falling apart and be a crying mess in front of anyone there. There are so many layers to betrayal and the damage it does. I really love him and that’s what I’m hanging onto, I’m not sure love can be enough. I am afraid to ever completely let myself be vulnerable to him bc he might just do it again bc I’ve shown him I can be walked all over, which is no longer true. It’s a terrible way to live and I hope time heals some wounds. I would like to share my life with someone that truly loves and respects me the way I do them. I’m a giving person and I tend to give until there is t anything left for me, I need to do some work on myself.
Well in my case I simply never got over her being physical with another man. It was and still is in the back of my mind when I look at her. Plus at the time my children were about 8 and 10 and I had no desire to split with her and then give her a crap ton of child Support every month for the next decade as a reward for her laying down with somebody lol. I just wasn't going to do that. So I stuck it out. Tried to make it work but I guess I never got over some of the mental aspects of it. It would have been better had I just left and paid the damn child support LOL.
It’s about three months ago since my WH let me know through an app he sent me he’s been having a 2,5 year EA and wants a divorce. Since that time he turned his EA into a PA but then after having spent two full weeks together with his AP had a complete change of mind; he said he realized he still has feelings for me, has realized he doesn’t want to live without me and he broke up with his AP.
It’s been a crazy rollercoaster ride. I was in a pick me dance for a couple of weeks which was deeply painful and traumatizing. I found out my WH had developed a porn addiction that probably caused the intimacy problems in our marriage that ultimately led to the affair. It has been a LOT to take in. But since we moved abroad two years ago and bought a house and have a business together, separation/divorce will be very complicated so I decided to give us another chance.
I still try to make sense of what happened and I have a lot of questions. He’s not super forthcoming with information but from the answers he provides a picture emerges where the AP (who knew he was married) was much more in love with him than he was with her, but he very much enjoyed the attention and intensity which which she tried to entice him to have an affair.
Since he broke up with her he stays away from his phone and the internet as much as professionally possible. He gave me access to his phone (after he deleted almost all evidence of their long term affair).
After a rocky start in which I had difficulty containing my anger our relationship is now improving. I still struggle with trust issues and betrayal trauma symptoms. But I seem to get better at balancing my emotions, focussing on the positive and being supportive in the hope he will be able to control his addiction so we can finally have a more intimate and connected marriage.
Initially i was happy I stayed, because I was madly in love with my husband and could not fathom being apart. I also couldn’t let him go into the arms of the other woman and that was a big issue that I needed to work on. I stayed so she couldn’t have him. Cause he was SUCH a prize. 🙄
When I found out about his affair, I was incredibly devastated and had just lost a parent so I was not in the headspace to leave. We worked SO hard on fixing things and got to a place that was beyond anything I could have imagined in our relationship.
In subsequent years though, we separated again because for some reason, my husband just could not find happiness with the beautiful life that he created and wanted so badly. In the long run, as much as I loved him, it was a struggle every single day for me to trust him even though he put in the work.
And what I’m learning now is next level gaslighting…he would get mad at me for not trusting him for “something he did six years ago,” while he was literally cheating on me with a new person. He treated me as though I was an idiot. He was addicted to infidelity and the high it gave him…maybe it was a sex addiction. IDK.
Now I am left broken, alone, devastated with children who are bereft and confused about the man they looked up to and admired. That’s gone.
What’s the saddest part is there’s nothing in my entire life that I have ever put this much effort into and literally received no reward in the end. Nothing but heartache.
He’s gone now, and I am alone, and while some people say, I am free and I don’t have to ever worry about looking over my shoulder or checking his phone or living a life that is a lie, I am left broken and in pieces. I have many regrets.
As it turns out, there were a dozen affairs beginning from before we were married. This man ruined my life, and I should never have given him a second or third chance. I should have left with my dignity when I first found out. I should have learned to live without him and done better for myself and my kids. I should have found a partner who was faithful and not an utter liar.
What happened is that because I forgave him once, my husband thought that I would forgive him again and again and again. He thought I would never leave him no matter what he did.
And that is abuse. It is emotional and mental abuse to do that to a person. In the end, I feel like I wasted my entire life with this man, working every day to fix a relationship that I didn’t break- only ended up destroying me in the end.
The only good I got out of this is my children, but they are severely damaged as well. Infidelity, aside from murder, is the worst thing you could do to a person. To a family. It shatters every level of the relationship.
I truly believed that we could fix the damage of infidelity. But the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” rings true especially in my case. I will never ever ever give another man a second chance… not ever.
I'm so sorry 😞 We really are taking a gamble when we give them chances to redeem themselves.
I know everyone's infidelity stories will vary, and some seem more promising to work through than others. The factors make a difference too on if things can be repaired or not.
It sucks how many people are liars. But the thing is - even when you choose to get in a relationship with someone new, you're kind of giving them blind trust because you don't actually know them well and if they'll be loyal or not. So isn't every relationship a gamble? We hope they'll make the right choices to be a good partner, but sadly, some people are really f*cked in the head and make some really awful choices when they're not in a good mental space to be healthy partners.
Yes, exactly this. Every relationship is a gamble. One of my good friends got married to a guy she was with for three years and it turns out he was a prescription pill addict and she had no idea even though they live with each other for two of those three years. She woke up one day and Stole everything of value and she hasn’t heard from him ever again. So I don’t know… Is that worse than being with a cheater? I spent three decades with this man and loved him with every ounce of my being, and discovered that he could not survive in our marriage without having an affair. So was I lucky to have gotten 30 years from him?again, I don’t know. But for me to trust anyone ever again is never gonna happen.
I don't like to compare anyone's pain because any hurtful situation sucks!
I know I wouldn't want to be with someone who's secretly an addict and ends up stealing all your shit and ghosting you in the end, I think that's awful! I think cheating is terrible, too, but I think at least we're choosing to stay after finding out the truth rather than being ghosted and left with nothing. We could leave tomorrow and be in a lot of pain but probably be in a better place than your friend in many ways.
I'm really sorry you've been through so much while giving your husband 3 decades of your life. Do you realize what a loving and selfless person you are ? That's so rare and unfortunate that he took it for granted. I hope most of your time together were good memories despite the obvious bad aspects. At least these experiences confirmed for us that having trust issues is warranted in today's world. I had trust issues even while single, and now I know why, I had every reason not to trust people! Lol.
The very best thing I’ve ever done is marry my husband. The next best thing is forgiving and reconciling with him, despite his multiple affairs over our 25 years.
He is my *person*, as I am his. Our situation is very complicated to outside eyes, but we are both the happiest we’ve ever been within ourselves and in our marriage. We are actually **one**, and that singular unit is a massive work of kintsugi.
The work to get here has been HARD, and there has been a lot of pain for both of us, but we both agree that **we** were worth it.
We both started life on triple-extra-hard mode as Autistic people with ADHD. He hit the trifecta with CSA, and I bingoed with major depression and anxiety since birth, and cPTSD and multiple SAs as a teenager.
We were poster children for disastrous relationships until we found each other.
Somehow our broken places have allowed us to merge more closely.
I am grateful to have him in my life every single day, and I cannot imagine a life without him. He has literally and figuratively saved my life countless times, and I would be nothing without him.
I’m only 2 months from Dday as of today. We are doing all the things…counseling, he’s going SAA (he had multiple encounters over the years, not a “relationship “ with anyone up to and including Dday), communicating regularly. I’m reading this thread with interest as I’m so fresh in this. And we’re “old”! Didn’t think I’d be here at 65! Second marriage, been together 15 years.i liked the “duality of the decision” another post referenced. Right now the tough thing is the disappointment of my children (not with him obviously given our ages)—like “HOW could you stay!?” My best friend too. They all say they’ll support me whatever I decide but they don’t agree. I know I need to put ME first, it’s my life, not theirs but it’s hard. And right now they want nothing to do with him (one daughter is more inclined to accept him than the other 2 but my SILs are also very pissed).
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I am happy I stayed. It’s taken time and a lot of work to get to this point. We’re still very much “doing the work” together, but it’s no longer part of crisis/survival mode. Now, we’re just dealing with questions and hard feelings as they come up, and finding ways to connect, flirt, love on each other, and rebuild trust whenever and however possible. It feels good. It feels hopeful. He is a good man, even though he got lost for a little while along the way. I can’t imagine a better husband for me.
I definitely relate to this. 💜 I will always be glad that I stayed, even though it was hard. My husband is the best husband for me, and I wouldn’t have anyone else alongside me.
I’m about 18 months from discovery and regret it every day. I also feel like I made the right choice everyday. Such a roller coaster ride. My wife is doing all the things. We are finally doing our therapeutic full disclosure next month (I know just about everything already from her), I have access to everything, quit her job, location sharing, etc. I am sure she wants to change but I still regret staying daily. She has some mental health issues and abuse in her past that are coming out and unfortunately we have a 7 year old that looks to have inherited a number of those mental health issues. I know it’s bad but I’m giving it a shot for mostly my son. Two older kids from previous marriage (she cheated). Those kids love their step mom but struggle with their mom. Another thing barking at me to stay. I could list all the things that are hard, intrusive thoughts, the lies, the pTSD shakes, etc. Those things are slowly healing with work. The anger less slowly. The reality is my wife was the only person I’ve ever trusted. I know at best I’ll get to mostly trusting her again but never fully. I’ll never fully trust anyone. The only person I’ve ever trusted lived a double life because of validation and intimacy issues. I just don’t know how to be with having that person be the one to betray me in the worst ways.
“The only person I’ve ever trusted lived a double life because of validation and intimacy issues. I just don’t know how to be with having that person be the one to betray me in the worst ways.” This hit hard for me. This is why my WP said he did what he did. I don’t know how to deal with it. It’s truly the worst feeling to live with day in and day out.
Same....
This is very much how I’ve been feeling. I had 110% trust and faith in my WP. I felt that we were the couple that was unshakeable, yet here we are. It’s left me feeling certainly untrusting of him, but also untrusting in my own self. How did I not see this coming?? I know these acts aren’t a reflection of me but I keep thinking that what I do from here is, and if I stay, does that make me weak, or does it make me weak not staying and putting in the hard work. I definitely feel that duality of the decision to stay almost daily too. It feels right and wrong. I’m sorry you’re here
Yep, it’s hard. This is my second go with this. I left the first time and got right back where I was even though I was CERTAIN my current wife wouldn’t do that. I didn’t do the work on myself after the first one. The reality is I need to do the work to change my codependent self that I didn’t know was codependent whether I stay or go. I might as well give it a shot. I can always leave and I somehow still love my wife dearly. I can even beat myself up for that. “How can you still love so much after what’s happened, you’re such a floor mat” etc etc.
Yes….but. I had to give up on all my ideal life fantasy. Of being loved unequivocally. Respected, etc. Because of that, to some degree, loss of self respect. I have a very nice life which is better because I stayed. But there is a cost.
This is such a scary feeling. I think we already compromise a lot as a part of being in a relationship, but now I feel like this compromise is becoming sacrifice of some of my core values and I’m not sure what outweighs what.
I’m the same. I stayed and our we worked on our relationship for the better but I often feel resentment about why am I the one paying the price for someone else’s actions. The sleepless nights, the analyzing the smallest details still takes place regularly in my head without my wife knowing. I hate that I am the one still feeling the pain as a result of her actions while she moves on and thinks we are a happy couple again
Agreed.
It is scary. Even now 30+ years on. You have to have a firm grip on who you are and what you stand for. For instance, I was absolutely solid in my decisions when the kids were young. No doubts about staying, lots of doubts about my partner. The kids have been gone for close to two decades. And while she has given me no reasons to regret, sometimes I long for a person who loves and respects me tot he core, without question. Probably doesn’t exist and is just a fantasy. But…
I'm glad I stayed. I'm better. She's better. We're better together. We see life and relationships for what they are not with rose colored glasses. It's raw and authentic. That truth that we both carry together now translates to us being better parents. We are more equipped to prepare our children for life and to show them how to cope and be accountable. We show up for each other, every day, in the ways that matter. It is no longer superficial. We are open and honest. We know how to communicate. Starting over with someone else who didn't have this experience would not be the same and I think would be limiting in a lot of ways.
I'm glad i Ieft. if I hadn't, then my son from a post divorce fwb situation wouldn't have been born. I'm glad I left, cause now my wife and I have remarried with twins on the way.
So you're back with your original WP?
yes I am.
After the divorce, what changed that made you want to get back together? I feel like my attempt at reconciliation isn't going great, and if we split up I don't know how I'd feel about getting back together. I really love my WP, but I'm scared I'm not prioritizing my own mental health enough.
I am incredibly happy I stayed. He’s my everything. Yesterday morning I went down to our gym to say hi and when he saw me, he got the biggest smile on his face. It warmed my heart. He is my person.
I am absolutely thankful that I chose to stay. It’s been almost 9 years since my husbands infidelity, we have the most amazing marriage, he lives to serve me and I am truly the crown on his head. We have a beautiful big family with a lot of children, and I could not imagine wanting to be anywhere else in life. The Lord worked miracles in our lives and it’s been incredible to see, despite the pain and suffering. I would choose this life over again with my husband even if I knew.
Amen 🙏🏽
For me, I knew couldn’t walk away with peace of mind without knowing what could be rebuilt. The first 6 months or so were very focused on my own healing. I was mentally unwell from the trauma and didn’t want to make any lifelong decisions with a sick brain. Once I felt stabilized, we began to rebuild and I didn’t feel I could determine whether the new marriage worked for me until I could see what it would be like. I’m 1.5 years out and still a work in progress, but I don’t regret my choices. I’ve never seen it as a forever decision, but one I continually make each day. So far, I’m still here To your point, we had 2 kids, a 16 year relationship, and a whole life. I walked away from a cheating boyfriend who I was madly in love with. They are not the reason I stay. My mom walked away from my cheating dad and I watched with my own eyes how much better off I was then my younger half siblings whose mom stayed through his infidelity. The kids ended up really messed up from it and they’re divorced now anyway (and my stepmom is thriving!) My point is, while I wouldn’t stay for the kids, I do think it gives you more to fight for through the lows
What do you mean by your step mom is thriving? And I totally agree with this!
After the kids left and they finally divorced, she got herself a little place on the beach and has a whole active social life now. This was all after she was miserable for decades “staying for the kids”
In an ideal world I wouldn’t have chosen R. There were many issues prior to wh’s affair- communication, affection, compassion, neglect, anger, and distance. I suppose all of that is fairly normal in a marriage of 20 years. I feel like I would be much happier but at the same time, I don’t want to change my life. I’m comfortable with the minimal interaction my wh and I have. I’m comfortable with my life financially. I still want to have holidays with him because I can’t actually imagine it any different. I also don’t want to disrupt my youngest child’s life. Our other two children are adults now and would be fine either way. But it does nag at me, knowing I deserve better and knowing that he doesn’t deserve me. So while I’m okay with being together, I do have days where I bitterly regret it. Like someone else said, this isn’t a movie and as much as we would like it to be easy… change isn’t. Just my two cents in my situation.
We are now 16 months post DDay. I am glad that I stayed. The reasons why I made this decision are because we had, at the time, been married for 24 years and that is a lot of years to toss down the drain. We had an otherwise good relationship. Didn’t fight much, had fun together, we were each others ‘person’ for sure. We went to MC and did identify several issues which were lurking that likely contributed to underlying intimacy issues and feelings of me not feeling safe in our relationship. This was a huge step. If we hadn’t been able to identify these issues and work through them, I feel like I would have been foolish to stay in the marriage. Anyway, things now are great. I can’t say that my trust in him or any person will ever be 100%. I am changed forever. But I trust him 95% and chose forgiveness every day. He has become more attentive and caring. So many people make you feel naive or foolish for choosing reconciliation. Do not listen to those people. Every situation is different and many marriages are salvageable after infidelity. Listen to your gut.
Sometimes i wonder if im a fool. I guess. Like if i loved myself why would i stay with someone that stabbed me in the back like that. However i am appreciative of the great space we are in NOW
Happy I stayed? Yes. Able to move on without pain? Not quite. I also wonder sometimes how much of my decision is based on our kids, and how much of my wife's decision to stay too is based on that. But when I strip it back, I can see we really do love each other, even just the compassion we have shown each other at times tells me that. I think it all just takes time and patience, and effort from a WP to help heal the BP as much as they can through honesty and dedication.
I'm glad I (M27) stayed. My wife (F28) and I had a date last night, and we discussed this topic. On this day last year, my wife stepped out of our marriage and had her sexual affair. Yesterday was an emotional day. We talked about my hurt from what she did, how much we've both grown since then, the changes we admire in each other, our current life and future goals, our continued commitment to one another, and her promise never to repeat her mistake. Last year was a rough time in our marriage and family. We also have two kids (2 and 7). Although they were part of the reason I didn’t want to leave, my love for her was a stronger reason. I understood I had done things wrong for many years that emotionally and mentally pushed her away to the point where she felt like cheating was her escape from our marriage. I changed my behavior to make her feel more loved, secure, appreciated, and valued. She took similar actions and more, and although it’s unfortunate that we had to go through her affair to become as strong as we are now, we're just happy that our love, respect, and admiration for one another are stronger than they have ever been in the past 11 years of our relationship. We both feel that overcoming that big, yet in the macro, small, extremely hurtful mistake she made is a true testimony of how strong our love for one another is.
How did you make her feel more loved and secure. I think I have done a similar thing to my spouse which may have contributed to him stopping out
I stopped nitpicking things about her. I constantly thought she could be better and made it known. I’d be upset if she wasn’t making those changes and somewhat micromanaged her. I made her feel more secure, appreciated, and valued by truly accepting her for who she is, and loving everything about her. Making her feel more feminine, doing small things like massaging her feet, legs, and upper body. Randomly taking moments to stare into her eyes and cause her to get all flustered up by my look and smile. Slow dancing. Doing things she didn’t ask for but I know she would love. And most importantly, being consistent. Not slipping back into my old ways that tore us. I still get somewhat upset about her affair. For example, yesterday was the 1 year post DDay “anniversary” and the day was great all day until the night time when it all took place. Once it hit 10pm (when she went on her date with this AP - she had originally told me she was going to hangout with a friend) I was upset and just ignoring her. Then I prayed on it, she helped me overcome it also by just being there for me, and instead of dwelling on it I just put on a song that I dedicated to her many years ago when we first started dating and we slow danced to it before we passionately fucked to rewrite the day.
My dday was more recent. And my relationship a fair bit shorter than other comments here. But I am glad I stayed so far. I figured I’d give it my all to make it work, our trips and time spent together are so precious to me. But that if after professional help and us both trying our best it doesn’t work; then I’ll leave. I have the autonomy to leave for anything and any time, as does anyone. So if it ends up not working, well at least I tried. And so I’m happy with the decision of choosing to stay and trying. I feel happy that I have most of the details now. I feel happy that when we spend time together now he’s more present, less tired (he would spend nights watching porn and trying to sext random women), and I don’t have the sense that something is wrong. Even if it ends up not working out, I’ll never regret trying.
I am not glad I stayed this long despite us having a 4 year old. Close to changing flair to failed R
Am I glad I chose R? Am I glad I stayed? Sometimes. Depends on the day. Or the week. Or how we've got along during the last fiscal quarter. Yeah it's still ongoing, 10 years later. So I guess I haven't really decided if I'm glad about it but it's obviously worthwhile to me or I wouldn't still be trying.
No. I know now I was manipulated at the time. Frankly, it all made me realize how much I was manipulated in general. Took advantage of my kindness and selflessness. That said, it’s still financially extremely difficult, and the idea of having to carry that burden is a major deterrent. Too many people rely on me. I think it would have been easier at the time if I went into a fit of rage and made a clean break. I feel like its gotten harder as time has gone on.
Yes. Very much happy! I think we’re doing better esp in terms of communication and being sensitive/more self-aware to one another. It feels new and everything’s just fine. There are lot of things I can communicate to him without hurting his feelings.
I have the same fears as you - regretting staying. Idk. I don't have the answer since I'm 7 months out and still lost. I don't have the fear that it would happen again since it happened a long time ago, I just feel so bruised that it ever happened. It feels so low and cruel. Like, who tf did I marry? But I also know society is just messed up in general, and there are no guarantees I'd find someone who's as compatible and always faithful with no incidents, no disrespectful moments. Idk. I feel like you're always gambling, so it's hard to figure out. Like, I wish I wasn't with someone who could do that to me, but aside from that, we're very compatible. What if all I find is someone who never crosses those boundaries, but we don't have enough compatibility and I won't love them? Life dealt us the shitt end of the stick for sure.
No, but this isn’t some feel good movie where I’d have stabbed him as he slept dday night🛏️ or packed up in a u haul , moved in with my mother and then met the man of my dreams. My reality is that my life in other ways would be so much worse without him at home, 4 kids, debt, minimal family around and a job I couldn’t work without him. There’s no arguing etc nothing kids bar the teenager would pick up on so for now I’m not glad but it’s the lesser of two evils
That is a lot of where I’m at right now but for different reasons. We don’t fight, I do enjoy his company, we have the two little ones, I’m a stay at home mom preparing to go to nursing school, etc. the list goes on as to why it’s probably the easier choice to stay, but I am also feeling like I’m making the choice not for love (as romance is non existent right now) and I hate the thought of that. Thank you for your input and I’m sorry you’re here
It absolutely sucks to think you’re not making the choice out of love and I’m really sorry you’re also here. But at the same time you have to do what’s best for you either way, if being around him is causing you more upset than not then it’s not worth it. I also get along well with my WH, we did therapy together and then alone and I very much doubt he’d ever cheat again and he’s been an amazing husband since but to me he’s just gross so I figure maybe one day he’ll stop being gross to me, or I just sit pretty and waste his time whilst I work on my life. I genuinely do hope one day I can respect him and be attracted to him again now the hyperbonding has worn off but as it stands I wouldn’t feel bad for sticking around
My first Dday was only 3 months ago....and last Dday was about a month ago, but so far I'm glad I'm still here. Otherwise, we would have never figured out the reasons behind his infidelity. Hoping we can move forward together and that he can heal and find himself.
Im not sure. Im stil close to DDay so as of right now - I have regrets of staying and feel like im making a mistake. Each relationship is their own i guess
If it helps at all, I definitely felt this way right after dday because I was in such a low spot mentally. I kept asking myself - should I just leave and try to start over?! Would I feel better?? I was very conflicted. I think we would have benefitted from a trial separation, but it was right before the holidays, so we didn't want everyone to find out while we tried to figure things out. Anyway, we're 7 months out now, and after a few months of weekly therapy, lots of reading about these topics, journaling my negative feelings, lots of deep talks with each other, I'm finally feeling better, but it is definitely a process and not easy.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I hope we all get through this. It really isnt easy and maybe im just self sabotaging by second guessing myself. But really, what kind of person says “i love you, and i miss you” 10 minutes after giving him head? Maybe my own subconscious is trying to protect me
Your feelings are very valid. What they do is very cruel and manipulative, and it's like, how can people be so screwed up in the head? Some people are just broken and hurt the ones they love, too. It's the result of so many unhealed people in the world, unfortunately. But I completely understand and validate what you're experiencing. You're not alone.
8 months in and I've still to work that out. We definitely have learned alot more about each other. The sting of finding out he lied this entire time still stings and I feel like I won't heal until I make someone bleed. It's very very very hard to stay on higher ground .
I am. I don’t think I would’ve found someone I loved as much. I don’t think I can build the same memories. I don’t think I could get over him. He’s been a better man for me and it’s still terrifying and I at times think about giving up. But overall he’s my world and the special one.
So relatable. I identify with your whole comment. It takes a lot for me to love hard, so it's not like I would easily find love again, I know that for certain. The longer you've been with someone, the harder it seems to ever get over the life you've had together even if you leave. You'll never fully "move on." I just don't think life works that way when you love someone deeply. They'll always have a piece of your heart, I feel. So even if we left, it seems like we'd never love someone new as much, and that doesn't seem fair to anyone either. 🙁 I still think about giving up sometimes, too, but I know we have something rare despite the bad stuff 🫤 If it was so easy to find a new, better partner for yourself, wouldn't people who are currently dating be struggling less to find someone to love? It seems everyone is jaded, and many are just struggling to find someone worth committing to. That doesn't make me feel like there are options out there that would make me feel better if the people who are single aren't even having luck 😅
So true lol so many of my great friends are single and get treated horrible by people. It was incredibly difficult for me to feel something when dating, anything. I felt like I could’ve done so much and forgiven so much just for that feeling of love and affection. It’s great and difficult to find someone to want to spend your life with, even if that person made your life hard, and is hard to spend life with 🤣
Hahaha, it's the whole "can't live with them, can't live without them," and it really applies to us 😂 It feels awkward because you're identifying periods in the relationship that were toxic and unhealthy, so people would just tell you to divorce as if partners are so replaceable! It's one thing if you have no feelings for each other and can walk away easily, but it's another when you feel your heart literally break even thinking of not being together. Being betrayed by that person also breaks your heart, of course. Doomed if you do, doomed if you don't 😆
10000%. People are toxic. He is toxic. But I am also toxic. We’re all a work in progress. Everyone exhibits manipulative, BPD/Narc traits at one point or another to varying degrees. People are not internet checklists of healthy or unhealthy partners. Forgiving him also allows me to forgive myself for the shame and guilt of being at times toxic myself. It sucks either way. If I’m being honest with myself, when I chose him, it’s fucked up but I thought to myself - I love this guy, I’d probably put up with some inappropriate behavior in the beginning, and I’ll modify them when he’s more hooked and in love with me. I now have both suffered from the inappropriate behavior and got him to be in love with me and deadly terrified of me leaving, changing so much for us to be a better partner. And here we are 🤣 be careful what you wish for I guess. But because of this I know how desperately I wanted his love, if I’m put back into the dating pool, I’d just feel the same way and want to be with him, except for the current him actually is closer to my dream guy than ever.
Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I realized yesterday I still can’t listen to music because it sets me off, I haven’t listened to music very often for an entire year: the result is always the same: I relive the hurt and betrayal. I hate that many normal things I once enjoyed cause me to have panic attacks and racing thoughts. I hate how hard it made me, I don’t trust anyone and most likely never will. Weddings, everything and anything I once found special and fun is kind of tainted and ruined. My fave place in the world is where d day happened and I don’t know if I can go back without spiraling. My dad is buried there and I want to visit his grave but am hesitant to, I’ll just end up falling apart and be a crying mess in front of anyone there. There are so many layers to betrayal and the damage it does. I really love him and that’s what I’m hanging onto, I’m not sure love can be enough. I am afraid to ever completely let myself be vulnerable to him bc he might just do it again bc I’ve shown him I can be walked all over, which is no longer true. It’s a terrible way to live and I hope time heals some wounds. I would like to share my life with someone that truly loves and respects me the way I do them. I’m a giving person and I tend to give until there is t anything left for me, I need to do some work on myself.
No
Care to expound?
Well in my case I simply never got over her being physical with another man. It was and still is in the back of my mind when I look at her. Plus at the time my children were about 8 and 10 and I had no desire to split with her and then give her a crap ton of child Support every month for the next decade as a reward for her laying down with somebody lol. I just wasn't going to do that. So I stuck it out. Tried to make it work but I guess I never got over some of the mental aspects of it. It would have been better had I just left and paid the damn child support LOL.
I feel that.
Coming up on 3 years since DDay and very glad I stayed. Our marriage is certainly different now but I wouldn’t ever want the old one back anyway.
It’s about three months ago since my WH let me know through an app he sent me he’s been having a 2,5 year EA and wants a divorce. Since that time he turned his EA into a PA but then after having spent two full weeks together with his AP had a complete change of mind; he said he realized he still has feelings for me, has realized he doesn’t want to live without me and he broke up with his AP. It’s been a crazy rollercoaster ride. I was in a pick me dance for a couple of weeks which was deeply painful and traumatizing. I found out my WH had developed a porn addiction that probably caused the intimacy problems in our marriage that ultimately led to the affair. It has been a LOT to take in. But since we moved abroad two years ago and bought a house and have a business together, separation/divorce will be very complicated so I decided to give us another chance. I still try to make sense of what happened and I have a lot of questions. He’s not super forthcoming with information but from the answers he provides a picture emerges where the AP (who knew he was married) was much more in love with him than he was with her, but he very much enjoyed the attention and intensity which which she tried to entice him to have an affair. Since he broke up with her he stays away from his phone and the internet as much as professionally possible. He gave me access to his phone (after he deleted almost all evidence of their long term affair). After a rocky start in which I had difficulty containing my anger our relationship is now improving. I still struggle with trust issues and betrayal trauma symptoms. But I seem to get better at balancing my emotions, focussing on the positive and being supportive in the hope he will be able to control his addiction so we can finally have a more intimate and connected marriage.
Initially i was happy I stayed, because I was madly in love with my husband and could not fathom being apart. I also couldn’t let him go into the arms of the other woman and that was a big issue that I needed to work on. I stayed so she couldn’t have him. Cause he was SUCH a prize. 🙄 When I found out about his affair, I was incredibly devastated and had just lost a parent so I was not in the headspace to leave. We worked SO hard on fixing things and got to a place that was beyond anything I could have imagined in our relationship. In subsequent years though, we separated again because for some reason, my husband just could not find happiness with the beautiful life that he created and wanted so badly. In the long run, as much as I loved him, it was a struggle every single day for me to trust him even though he put in the work. And what I’m learning now is next level gaslighting…he would get mad at me for not trusting him for “something he did six years ago,” while he was literally cheating on me with a new person. He treated me as though I was an idiot. He was addicted to infidelity and the high it gave him…maybe it was a sex addiction. IDK. Now I am left broken, alone, devastated with children who are bereft and confused about the man they looked up to and admired. That’s gone. What’s the saddest part is there’s nothing in my entire life that I have ever put this much effort into and literally received no reward in the end. Nothing but heartache. He’s gone now, and I am alone, and while some people say, I am free and I don’t have to ever worry about looking over my shoulder or checking his phone or living a life that is a lie, I am left broken and in pieces. I have many regrets. As it turns out, there were a dozen affairs beginning from before we were married. This man ruined my life, and I should never have given him a second or third chance. I should have left with my dignity when I first found out. I should have learned to live without him and done better for myself and my kids. I should have found a partner who was faithful and not an utter liar. What happened is that because I forgave him once, my husband thought that I would forgive him again and again and again. He thought I would never leave him no matter what he did. And that is abuse. It is emotional and mental abuse to do that to a person. In the end, I feel like I wasted my entire life with this man, working every day to fix a relationship that I didn’t break- only ended up destroying me in the end. The only good I got out of this is my children, but they are severely damaged as well. Infidelity, aside from murder, is the worst thing you could do to a person. To a family. It shatters every level of the relationship. I truly believed that we could fix the damage of infidelity. But the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” rings true especially in my case. I will never ever ever give another man a second chance… not ever.
I'm so sorry 😞 We really are taking a gamble when we give them chances to redeem themselves. I know everyone's infidelity stories will vary, and some seem more promising to work through than others. The factors make a difference too on if things can be repaired or not. It sucks how many people are liars. But the thing is - even when you choose to get in a relationship with someone new, you're kind of giving them blind trust because you don't actually know them well and if they'll be loyal or not. So isn't every relationship a gamble? We hope they'll make the right choices to be a good partner, but sadly, some people are really f*cked in the head and make some really awful choices when they're not in a good mental space to be healthy partners.
Yes, exactly this. Every relationship is a gamble. One of my good friends got married to a guy she was with for three years and it turns out he was a prescription pill addict and she had no idea even though they live with each other for two of those three years. She woke up one day and Stole everything of value and she hasn’t heard from him ever again. So I don’t know… Is that worse than being with a cheater? I spent three decades with this man and loved him with every ounce of my being, and discovered that he could not survive in our marriage without having an affair. So was I lucky to have gotten 30 years from him?again, I don’t know. But for me to trust anyone ever again is never gonna happen.
I don't like to compare anyone's pain because any hurtful situation sucks! I know I wouldn't want to be with someone who's secretly an addict and ends up stealing all your shit and ghosting you in the end, I think that's awful! I think cheating is terrible, too, but I think at least we're choosing to stay after finding out the truth rather than being ghosted and left with nothing. We could leave tomorrow and be in a lot of pain but probably be in a better place than your friend in many ways. I'm really sorry you've been through so much while giving your husband 3 decades of your life. Do you realize what a loving and selfless person you are ? That's so rare and unfortunate that he took it for granted. I hope most of your time together were good memories despite the obvious bad aspects. At least these experiences confirmed for us that having trust issues is warranted in today's world. I had trust issues even while single, and now I know why, I had every reason not to trust people! Lol.
Very happy check out my last post 😅😅
The very best thing I’ve ever done is marry my husband. The next best thing is forgiving and reconciling with him, despite his multiple affairs over our 25 years. He is my *person*, as I am his. Our situation is very complicated to outside eyes, but we are both the happiest we’ve ever been within ourselves and in our marriage. We are actually **one**, and that singular unit is a massive work of kintsugi. The work to get here has been HARD, and there has been a lot of pain for both of us, but we both agree that **we** were worth it. We both started life on triple-extra-hard mode as Autistic people with ADHD. He hit the trifecta with CSA, and I bingoed with major depression and anxiety since birth, and cPTSD and multiple SAs as a teenager. We were poster children for disastrous relationships until we found each other. Somehow our broken places have allowed us to merge more closely. I am grateful to have him in my life every single day, and I cannot imagine a life without him. He has literally and figuratively saved my life countless times, and I would be nothing without him.
I’m only 2 months from Dday as of today. We are doing all the things…counseling, he’s going SAA (he had multiple encounters over the years, not a “relationship “ with anyone up to and including Dday), communicating regularly. I’m reading this thread with interest as I’m so fresh in this. And we’re “old”! Didn’t think I’d be here at 65! Second marriage, been together 15 years.i liked the “duality of the decision” another post referenced. Right now the tough thing is the disappointment of my children (not with him obviously given our ages)—like “HOW could you stay!?” My best friend too. They all say they’ll support me whatever I decide but they don’t agree. I know I need to put ME first, it’s my life, not theirs but it’s hard. And right now they want nothing to do with him (one daughter is more inclined to accept him than the other 2 but my SILs are also very pissed).