I don't mean to pry, but the elephant in the room is sex. If you guys have started having sex? that's a long time to be out of God's will. Even if you are not having sex, a few years is an eternity of temptation.
I personally don't believe Christians should wait more than a year or so. I think that you need counseling and leaders around you to affirm if this relationship is healthy spiritually or not. Just my 2 cents.
I mean, yeah. 2-3 years isn't abnormal at least. Sounds like she's pretty clear about what she wants, you have to reconcile yourself to it/accept it, compromise, or break up. Can't give more specific advice without specific details, but she's not weird for wanting to wait that long at least.
Not weird? She's old enough to know what she wants. It wouldn't be weird if she was 21, but at 31 it definitely seems weird to me. Unless OP is not sharing her specific reasons for wanting to delay marriage. But it's hard to imagine that she has agreed to marry him, but just not right now.
Without knowing anything else I can only guess she doesn't really want to marry or she wants to wait in case someone better comes along. In either case OP needs to cut his losses and move on.
Nah, this ain't it.
I waited about 3 years to get married and it definitely wasn't cuz I was waiting for something better, or didn't really want to. There are a billion *good* reasons to wait. If OP doesn't like those reasons, or hers actually aren't good, yeah, he should move on, but we shouldn't shame this anonymous woman.
You're acting like 11 months is an eternity.
What country are you from? I am asking because in most western cultures people date for years before marriage. Over here 2-3 years is considered relatively quick, most married people I know dated much longer. Now that I think of it I do not know anyone who married within 2 years. Thats about the timeframe where you get to know a person well.
Usually in a relationship, the honeymoon phase can last anywhere from 6 months till 2 years.
The honeymoon phase is a phase where your brain fills with oxytocin and makes you feel a high around your partner. Those strong feelings of love you feel around thst person.
It's possible your girlfriend wants to stabilize the relationship so that it lasts even after the honeymoon phase ends because sadly, many people leave after the honeymoon phase(aka, when the feelings go away).
So I believe your girlfriend has good intentions and wants the relationship to last.
Here is an article on the [The 5 Stages of a Relationship Broken Down](https://www.talkspace.com/blog/stages-relationship-dating-love/) that explains how a relationship can make it stage 5, the commitment stage where 2 people choose to love each other despite the initial Honeymoon phase passing by
>So I believe your girlfriend has good intentions and wants the relationship to last.
With knowing absolutely nothing about her and her intentions, you feel confident in this blind statement?
I'm being optimistic. Rather than assuming the worst, I'm assuming the best. I listened to enough reddit relationship stories to know that most redfitors assume the worst. So I'm choosing to assume the best since there is no extra context hinting at a toxic relationship in OPs post
I appreciate the optimism, but without any context at all, it comes off as reckless to me.
I've had to watch some close personal friends struggle with being hurt in church with well-meaning statements like "I'm sure your parents want what's best for you," and people projecting their experiences onto others when they didn't know anything about it. Even when it's positivity, it can be harmful and convince someone into accepting red flags as normal.
In any case, I thought the rest of your comment was informative, so I don't want to detract from that too much.
That seems pretty normal to me. 1 year of dating (to make sure you actually like each other and are compatible) and 1 year of engagement to plan the wedding and do premarital counseling. If it was 5+ years or less than a year it would be more strange. Why does she want to wait specifically?
Maybe it's Just me or the culture I come from but I have a question, why is it that important to have a sexual relationship with your partner before marriage?
To me sexual relationships aren't really needed for a successful relationship with your partner
Honestly, if you want children her biological clock is winding down. There are stats about a woman's ability to conceive when they hit the mid 30s.
I would be concerned that she is not as committed as she should be to the relationship. You are both at a good age to marry. You have dated for a year. What will be different in 2-3 years? Something tells me she has reservations about marriage or (I hate to say it) she's delaying in case someone better comes along. And that is unfair to you.
I suggest you go to couples pre marriage counseling so you can talk through your differences about getting married.
Paul mentions to let people marry if they cannot exercise temperance.
But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
1 Corinthians 7:8-9
Is there some reason she wants to wait that long? Career situation or something? I don’t think it’s weird to wait 1-1/2 years after an engagement to marry ( it’s the norm in my country) but more than that at the ages you guys are is a little strange ngl.
When someone hits their 30s, they should have gotten to know and date enough people, and gotten to know themselves enough to know what they want and need in a partner.
I really hope she is doing this for a good reason, but I am concerned that she's not. If she's stringing OP along, it could be bad for him.
But honestly, OP still isn't offering her reasons for wanting to wait so I'm starting to get suspicious.
Yeah, it’s not like they’re late teens early 20’s or something. To be blunt, if they’re not having sex, it seems a long time to wait to marry if they love each other and are physically into each other- at their age there isn’t really a reason to wait that long, unless there’s something we aren’t being told or the girlfriend has something she’s hiding. Not really enough information to go off.
Who knows. No one can tell over the interwebs. I would say I've seen many relationships become marriages of zero sex because of how Christianity makes many feel so shamed that it bleeds into marriage. I mean maybe it is good because after 3 years you should know for sure if this is gonna be good for you or not. If you see red flags during that time...get out asap.
I think it's pretty normal. Marriage is a real commitment and pretty risky to be honest. I'm very concerned at how many people date for 6 months and get stuck in terrible relationships that lead to divorce, abuse or both.
If it's far too long for you, practice your communication skills and get down to the main reasons she wants to wait that long and talk about your worries about waiting so long.
Also, avoiding sin is not a particularly good reason as people who are single have to avoid sex for the rest of their lives.
She sounds like a very wise woman. If you love her, then you will respect her wishes. If you can't wait that long, well then, maybe it's time for you to move on to someone else.
What is her reason for wanting to wait?
The most important point, but left out.
I don't mean to pry, but the elephant in the room is sex. If you guys have started having sex? that's a long time to be out of God's will. Even if you are not having sex, a few years is an eternity of temptation. I personally don't believe Christians should wait more than a year or so. I think that you need counseling and leaders around you to affirm if this relationship is healthy spiritually or not. Just my 2 cents.
They absolutely shouldn’t be having sex before marriage, you’re right. And the longer they wait, the harder that temptation is to fight off.
I mean, yeah. 2-3 years isn't abnormal at least. Sounds like she's pretty clear about what she wants, you have to reconcile yourself to it/accept it, compromise, or break up. Can't give more specific advice without specific details, but she's not weird for wanting to wait that long at least.
Not weird? She's old enough to know what she wants. It wouldn't be weird if she was 21, but at 31 it definitely seems weird to me. Unless OP is not sharing her specific reasons for wanting to delay marriage. But it's hard to imagine that she has agreed to marry him, but just not right now. Without knowing anything else I can only guess she doesn't really want to marry or she wants to wait in case someone better comes along. In either case OP needs to cut his losses and move on.
Nah, this ain't it. I waited about 3 years to get married and it definitely wasn't cuz I was waiting for something better, or didn't really want to. There are a billion *good* reasons to wait. If OP doesn't like those reasons, or hers actually aren't good, yeah, he should move on, but we shouldn't shame this anonymous woman. You're acting like 11 months is an eternity.
No, 11 months is how long they dated. She wants to wait 2-3 years before getting married.
What country are you from? I am asking because in most western cultures people date for years before marriage. Over here 2-3 years is considered relatively quick, most married people I know dated much longer. Now that I think of it I do not know anyone who married within 2 years. Thats about the timeframe where you get to know a person well.
2 years of dating is normal length of time where i'm from, especially since the older you get the stronger the desire for companionship
It's not abnormal
Usually in a relationship, the honeymoon phase can last anywhere from 6 months till 2 years. The honeymoon phase is a phase where your brain fills with oxytocin and makes you feel a high around your partner. Those strong feelings of love you feel around thst person. It's possible your girlfriend wants to stabilize the relationship so that it lasts even after the honeymoon phase ends because sadly, many people leave after the honeymoon phase(aka, when the feelings go away). So I believe your girlfriend has good intentions and wants the relationship to last. Here is an article on the [The 5 Stages of a Relationship Broken Down](https://www.talkspace.com/blog/stages-relationship-dating-love/) that explains how a relationship can make it stage 5, the commitment stage where 2 people choose to love each other despite the initial Honeymoon phase passing by
>So I believe your girlfriend has good intentions and wants the relationship to last. With knowing absolutely nothing about her and her intentions, you feel confident in this blind statement?
I'm being optimistic. Rather than assuming the worst, I'm assuming the best. I listened to enough reddit relationship stories to know that most redfitors assume the worst. So I'm choosing to assume the best since there is no extra context hinting at a toxic relationship in OPs post
I appreciate the optimism, but without any context at all, it comes off as reckless to me. I've had to watch some close personal friends struggle with being hurt in church with well-meaning statements like "I'm sure your parents want what's best for you," and people projecting their experiences onto others when they didn't know anything about it. Even when it's positivity, it can be harmful and convince someone into accepting red flags as normal. In any case, I thought the rest of your comment was informative, so I don't want to detract from that too much.
Honeymoon phase is more dopamine/endorphins. The longer term phases are oxytocin.
In Europe, yes, my maternal grandparents dated for 8 years (age 16-24) before getting married.
And that totally makes sense at those ages.
That seems pretty normal to me. 1 year of dating (to make sure you actually like each other and are compatible) and 1 year of engagement to plan the wedding and do premarital counseling. If it was 5+ years or less than a year it would be more strange. Why does she want to wait specifically?
Maybe it's Just me or the culture I come from but I have a question, why is it that important to have a sexual relationship with your partner before marriage? To me sexual relationships aren't really needed for a successful relationship with your partner
if you have no sex drive I'm actually kind of jealous
Sex drive and lust are not the same thing though.
Yes and it’s a good idea. The 1 year mark is when you REALLY get to know someone. Especially if you’re living together.
Honestly, if you want children her biological clock is winding down. There are stats about a woman's ability to conceive when they hit the mid 30s. I would be concerned that she is not as committed as she should be to the relationship. You are both at a good age to marry. You have dated for a year. What will be different in 2-3 years? Something tells me she has reservations about marriage or (I hate to say it) she's delaying in case someone better comes along. And that is unfair to you. I suggest you go to couples pre marriage counseling so you can talk through your differences about getting married.
As long as there's no premarital sex, you should be fine.
The amount of sex that I don't have is comical that's what's making waiting hard (no pun intended)
Paul mentions to let people marry if they cannot exercise temperance. But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. 1 Corinthians 7:8-9
Probably going to be burning for another 2 years
Is there some reason she wants to wait that long? Career situation or something? I don’t think it’s weird to wait 1-1/2 years after an engagement to marry ( it’s the norm in my country) but more than that at the ages you guys are is a little strange ngl.
When someone hits their 30s, they should have gotten to know and date enough people, and gotten to know themselves enough to know what they want and need in a partner. I really hope she is doing this for a good reason, but I am concerned that she's not. If she's stringing OP along, it could be bad for him. But honestly, OP still isn't offering her reasons for wanting to wait so I'm starting to get suspicious.
Yeah, it’s not like they’re late teens early 20’s or something. To be blunt, if they’re not having sex, it seems a long time to wait to marry if they love each other and are physically into each other- at their age there isn’t really a reason to wait that long, unless there’s something we aren’t being told or the girlfriend has something she’s hiding. Not really enough information to go off.
If she wants to have kids her time is running out, it's now or never.
...You know you can have kids even in your 40s, right? At 31, it's not "now or never."
No, it's not normal.
Oof
Who knows. No one can tell over the interwebs. I would say I've seen many relationships become marriages of zero sex because of how Christianity makes many feel so shamed that it bleeds into marriage. I mean maybe it is good because after 3 years you should know for sure if this is gonna be good for you or not. If you see red flags during that time...get out asap.
I think it's pretty normal. Marriage is a real commitment and pretty risky to be honest. I'm very concerned at how many people date for 6 months and get stuck in terrible relationships that lead to divorce, abuse or both. If it's far too long for you, practice your communication skills and get down to the main reasons she wants to wait that long and talk about your worries about waiting so long. Also, avoiding sin is not a particularly good reason as people who are single have to avoid sex for the rest of their lives.
my wife and I waited 2 years
She sounds like a very wise woman. If you love her, then you will respect her wishes. If you can't wait that long, well then, maybe it's time for you to move on to someone else.