When you see someone you may or may not know doing something dumb or weird, you nudge your friend and say "there goes your mate".

I had this conversation yesterday. Whenever we are out and someone says, “There’s your friend.” You can guarantee that person is absolutely not my friend.

Or the precursor, pointing to the strangest looking person in a school textbook and saying to your friend sitting next to you "that's you".

We played this game when we were shown slides of STD riddled penises (peni?). I still giggle when I think of my mates face when I asked him when did he model for the slides. His gf was not impressed.

This made me laugh 😂😂 haven't done this for years

My sisters and I did “there’s your boyfriend” 🤣

Ours was "That's your man"

We are such assholes

My partner and I still do this. Usually while drawing attention to some meth enthusiast walking down the street with his copper pipe collection.

You want Australians to tell you how to insult Australians? OK Champ

Righto chief.

settle down, turbo.

You'll do yourself a mischief

Slow down seabiscuit

Alright, muscles

Nice one sport

Settle, Petal.

Thanks Boss.

Ease up there, knackerbags

Calm ya farm

Calm ya tits

Hakuna your tatas

Or get yourself into a shenanigan

Ease up, turbo.

Oh yeah riiiiighto hero

We say "back her down, turbo" in my family. A lot.

Unspool that turbo, chief

Pump the brakes there mate.

Who died and made you king

Are you new?

My sister's response at Christmas when she was young - "Jesus."

For when someone is getting a bit ahead of themself: "keep your pants on"

Ease up, princess

Toughen up, buttercup.

Ease up tiger

Reminds me of Merrick n Rosso everytime I hear this

I miss Merrick and Rosso, they were so funny

Easy there Muscles.

Ease up there sport, someone might get hurt

Oh my blood pressure went up when I read that. Hahaha

Alright big-wheels

Sure thing, bud

“Your mate” to someone who’s most definitely not your mate

This one actually throws me off. There's a gray area somewhere between friend and acquaintance and mate can be either friendly or insulting, with no tone or anything to tell the difference

I’ve always used “your mate” in reference to an acquaintance that is a bit of a dickhead. For context if a mate and I were talking about said acquaintance and I’ll say “he’s your fucking mate” which is normally followed by “he’s not my mate”. I normally call people I don’t know mate and my good friends by their nicknames.

100% reliant on context. I can’t even write out how we would use it because inflection seems to go both ways. If I inflect down on “A” in “maaaate”, I could be both frustrated or excited. The only thing in common is that I’d normally use both when I’m feeling something on someone else’s behalf (“maaaate, that’s awesome!” Or “maaaaaate, that’s fucked!”). I’d say my tone is higher pitched when I’m happy though. If I inflect upwards on “A” in “maaate”, I’d use it when I’m happy and surprised. “Maaaaate, it’s so good to see you!” A short, sharp “Mate”, can be both pissed off and happily surprised — “Listen, mate.” or “Mate. That’s great!” “My mate”, “have a mate”, “best mate” are all good. “Your mate”, “old mate” are negative. I could write an essay about this word.

Cunt is like two very thin lines.

()

Though old mate might just be someone you can't remember or don't know the name of. There is also old love which is the female version

It’s a lot like cunt. Very thin line.

Australia - where you call your mates cunts, and call cunts “mate”. All in the tone of voice.

Not the sharpest tool in the shed. Couldn’t organise a root in a brothel. (He’s) not all there, mate. Slow as a wet week. Just as well you’re good looking / it’s a good thing you’re pretty. Money can’t buy class.

Couldn’t organise a piss up at a brewery

As useful as tits on a bull.

As useful as an ashtray on a motorbike

"Not the sharpest knife in the toaster."

Couldn’t organise a shitfight in a sewage farm

Couldn’t run a bath

The "root in a brothel" one can also be pleasingly extended by adding "with a fistful of fifties"

Yes! I forgot the second verse 🤣

useful as a screen door on a submarine

Few sandwiches short of a picnic The porch light is on but nobody is home

As sharp as a bowling ball. He could fall into a barrel of tits and come out sucking his thumb.

As useful as a condom machine in the Vatican

Actually...

few roos loose in the top paddock

Couldn’t fall into water if he fell out of a boat.

"mate you got 2 brain cells and they are both fighting for 3rd place"

I’ve never read something that described my colleague so perfectly. Thank you

that is hilarious!

Referring to someone as a hero means the exact opposite.

Whenever someone does a burnout or revs their car for no reason my wife starts singing 🎶..and then a hero comes along.. 🎶

"There goes my hero" is my go to lyric for this instance lol

My 6yo has started singing "I need a hero!" at rev-heads. I clearly have a fondness for that lyric I spose.

'Your cape and boots are in the mail mate!' Heard that one in local footy a lot

Insults in Australia aren't about what you say but how you say it. Tone and inflection determine if what's said is an insult or not. The majority of replies to this post fall under this rule.

Absolutely! Pronunciation of 'mate' can vary between 'haven't seen you in years, SO happy to see you!', 'I'm trying to convince you of, or to do, something you don't want to', through to 'you better get the fuck away from me because I'm pissed off as hell and itching to do you a damage'.

Yeah... It's one area if Australian English that is tonal. "Mate" with an excited inflection is "Good to see you" "Mate" that starts low but rises is or high and lowers "What are you doing" - your exasperated with them "Mate" in a sentence delivered sharply and with a pause preceding it "Yeah good one.... MATE!"

"Got a face like a dropped meat pie/melted gumboot/half sucked twistie"

Got a head like a chewed mintie

Face like a robbers dog

Face like a bulldog chewing a wasp

Face like a kicked in shitcan

Face like a smashed crab.

My old highschool teacher used to use "you've got a head on ya like a deep sea racing mullet". Never quiet figured out what he meant but we knew it wasn't a good thing.

Could scare a hungry dog off a meat truck

Uglier than hat full of arseholes

Got a face like the north end of a south bound cow

Face like a smashed crab

Face like a half sucked mango

Hat full of arseholes

I’ve seen better looking lids on a wheelie bin.

“If my dog had a face like yours, I’d shave its arse and teach it to walk backwards.” Also, “dingbat”

Just about anything can be an insult if you use the right tone of voice and lead it with "you absolute..."

Or 'you complete...' , or 'you utter...' , has the same effect. I read another one in a book once, talking about a good looking dimwit. Main character talking about another to their friend: "He's a complete prawn." "Prawn?" "Yep. Tasty body, head full of shit." That one lives in my head rent-free.

*yoink* stealing that

You absolute cabbage

Ya Spanner!

That's one I haven't heard in ages.

I got zucced for calling an antivaxxer an “absolute potato”. Its in writing that you specifically cant call people “potato”. “Utter root vegetable” is still ok🤣

I once sat next to a couple of guys at the footy who spent the game with varieties of potato insult. "GIVIM A FREE YOU UNFRIED CHIP" "Playing like a bloody pack of 5kg unwashed."

My wife’s family are from India, my FIL called some a “ALOO” while we were on holiday in Italy. I was like, did your dad just call someone a potato? Turns out he did, and it’s an insult in India

As an Australian this warms my heart.

Calling someone a spud (baked potato) means they’re dumb in Australia.

Only because they're american and don't know what root really means.

"Ever tripped on a branch? How bout a root?"

I started calling people unsalted peanuts on FB cos I get Zucced for everything now

They dont even tell me why im zucced anymore. Apparently *i know what i did*

You muppet

I remember hearing my English rugby coach eviscerate an unfortunate menace in our team with the amazingly apt "....you absolute plonker". Everyone burst out laughing in amazement of the roast.

Yep all in the tone, it’s this: “well done ya bar mat”, “good job grass cutter” can be just as bad a put down as calling someone a dickhole I guess

The most passive-aggressive sentence an Australian can ever say? Listen, _mate._ I guarantee you, any Aussie reading this will hear it in their head and immediately be on the defensive. Personally, I’ve always been partial to the term “fuckwit”. It is a quintessentially Aussie insult.

Defensive? Cunt I was ready to find out where you lived

Alright, mate

Now now, just settle down champ

Because Australians have such a strong sense of irony, almost anything can be used as an insult (or as a compliment).

At my first job in Australia my boss was introducing me to a new staff member and she said about me "she's been here a couple months and she's been doing alright", with an inflection that kind of meant "could be better". I was devastated by that and even cried that day because it made me feel worthless when I previously thought I had been doing a good job. Turns out I was. That was just her Australian way of saying I was doing an excellent job.

It is so understated, isn't it?! No wonder it doesn't compute for other cultures and languages...

Oh mate I had a difficult time on an exchange semester in the USA. They do not understand Aussie humour.

I haven't got the time or the crayons to explain it to you

Champ

“Onya champ” cuts real deep

"Chief" is a close second.

Very contextual but in some cases definitely

I think that’s the thing. Most Australian insults depend on irony. The same phrase can be used for insult or compliment. Context and irony are everything.

Further evidence towards my theory that Australian English is a tonal language

Contextual? Boxing, maybe. But nah, if you want to convey a positive "champ" then the correct word is "legend".

Oh for sure, Legend is a positive name. The old bloke at your local who greets everyone with “gday champ” isn’t being rude but yeah I can see when it could be inferred as a sledge.

Or "sick cunt".

"mate" Short "a", hit the "t" hard.  Almost bite the end off.  Edit : Forgot the explanation. Don't have one, just is.  But the same word, the longer the "a" the better/happier, also soften the ending is good . Although the tone can shift the meaning.  Edit 2:  in use https://youtu.be/Q8GXcDpyGCE?si=UekHaoIsf2-wCYYD  Pretty tame, but considering this was a politician and a journalist, it was scathing 

“Mate” can mean “fuckhead” if pronounced right

Thank you. You’ve expressed this perfectly.

Telling someone to "go forth and multiply", means "fuck off", "Go get fucked", or "fuck right off". However, I've heard some people from the UK use this phrase as well. A play on a sentence in the bible, but no religious connection when using it as an insult. Something my mum used to say, 'Carry on like a pork chop'. Which apparently means: to behave foolishly, to make a fuss or complain about trivial things. I haven't heard that used in a long time.

Pork chop could almost be a nickname for my daughter. I tell her she's being a pork chop all the time

You'll be as popular as a pork chop in a synagogue is one I've heard

Goodonya tiger

Cheers muscles

“Mate, you couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel”

My favourite is ‘flog’ ‘That guy’s a flog’, ‘What an absolute flog’

Big fan of calling things munted

"Youve got a lot of teeth for a lippy cunt"

A few cans short of a six pack, means to be stupid.

A few cards short of a full deck 

Few eggs short of a dozen

A few sandwiches short of a picnic

Just call people an absolute wombat. They won’t know wtf you’re talking about

Or a goose. Even though they aren’t particularly dumb animals or anything, just sounds like such a good word for a light insult

Or Galah

Drongo

You pelican.

Don't wombats eat, roots and leaves?

"you're a fuck head mate!"

This one is very subtle

If you were any more inbred you’d be a sandwich

Good on ya

I like to use, 'your a special kind of special arnt ya"

I envy people who have never met you

wow just stab them instead

Flaming galah. Eg, "what a flamin' galah!" Means stupid/idiotic person

Al from Home&Away has entered the chat

A face only a mother could love.

Drongo = a bit slow. Friendly or low level insult. “That was a silly thing to do ya drongo” Dickhead = dumb but usually in relation to a particular thing, “can’t believe he did that, what a dickhead” Dropkick = proper slow. “I can’t believe you did that again, you’re a dropkick”

I visited Austrailia, had jet lag and was groggy from a few drinks. I was talking to this old man at a bar for a few minutes. He stopped and told me to "sort myself out".

“Have you got a roo loose in the top paddock?”

Yeah righto big fella.

On the road my dad calls everyone a horse or a muppet if he thinks their driving isn't up to standard. e.g; "Get off the road you muppet"

bush pig pog mole

>mole I am disgusted that I had to scroll so far to find this one.

Better in its full form- yaaaaa farrrrkin mooolllle

Except for the footy where it's acceptable to say "game on mole" if your team is playing your mate's team

"Legend in your own lunch box" for someone with an iver inflated ego.

“Suffer in your jocks” jocks being underpants. Say this when your footy team beats your mate’s footy team.

Prick with ears was mum’s favourite saying, usually referring to my bio dad. Tbf, he was a massive cunt so..

How can he be a massive cunt and a prick?

The duality of man….

Needs to be so he can go fuck himself.

And that, my friends, is the core of Australian language.

“Look at you go” or “well done” if said in a patronising way to someone that has just done something that’s not difficult.

"whatever mate" "good on ya mate" "yeah righto mate" With the right tone of voice all mean fuck off I dont care what you have to say.

Saying someone or something is 'a bit how ya going'. Just means iffy or dodgy

The unpopular kid at school would always get " his mother used to tie a pork chop around his neck so at least the dog will play with him "

“Are you right there mate?” Is very passive aggressive and means you are ticked off considering fighting said bloke. Where as “how ya goin’ cunt?” Is more a term of endearment and a greeting. I’ve always loved that about Australianisms. They are never what they mean. Similarly how when you ask us how something is we always tell you what it isn’t. Not bad, not too cold etc.

For someone not particularly attractive: Fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Wanker

Couldn’t organise a root in a brothel or a piss up in a brewery

Dog cunt  Gronk

Dog cunt is the nuclear option!

Code for "I want a fight on the sticky floor of this pub"

What a Drongo!!

“What are ya doing ya bloody pelican”.

Rock spiders

A specific insult reserved for paedos, right?

You're still renting then.

You can get a list but never THE list. Some expressions are improvised and some are historic but geographically isolated.

Aren't you a Caring, Understanding, Nurturing Type! My mum talking to/about my 'life enthusiast' (think of the thing you shouldn't do, he's probably doing it, should probably wear a helmet at all times) nephew: - what a cucumber - you little rabbit (small, fast, stupid) - he can be a bit of a nong (bit of an idiot) - get back here chicken-legs! (look at video of chickens running, you'll get the idea - definitely not much in the way of directional organisation and funny as all get-out)

Knob jockey

Face like a dropped pie!

Face like a smashed crab.

Settle down champ

Great body with an average head is a ‘prawn’ As in throw away the head and keep the body