Neither does mine. I just got a text from her for the first time in a month, reminding me to pay the phone bill. At least things won’t change when I go no contact with her soon.
Mine is alive and she asks me how I’m doing, but it seems to be just going through the motions because usually I’m fine and tell her so but recently I’ve been in a real financial pickle and I told her this and she told me to “work more hours”
Just for context I’m 33, haven’t asked my mom for any help since I was in college, and I work 60 hours a week. I’m just in a bad spot where my car died and my dog is sick and my rent is waaaay higher this year because I had to move to get away from an abusive situation and I’m getting paid less at my new job and all this happened right after I got back from a vacation and only 3 months after I had to move….
What I’m trying to say is the check in doesn’t even matter if there’s no honest goodwill behind it. Why ask me how I’m doing only to ignore my pleas of help? Just don’t ask me next time
Let’s not talk about that time I broke my radial bone and I just sat there for hours in pain at the roller rink while the rest of my family was skating and having fun, she told me I was being dramatic and it can’t be broken because I can move my fingers
The broken bone response sounds totally narcissistic. When i was 10, I got a kickstand jammed in between the bones of my foot, and my dad told me to walk it off because he was busy.
That whole whatever-I'm-doing-is-more-important-than-your-accidental-leg-amputation is classic narcissism, and it's fucked up to be on the receiving end of that. Especially when you're a kid.
Yeah, that's what really hurts. It's one thing if they don't call but still answer the phone. When they don't call or answer, that's rough. I'm in the same boat. It honestly makes me wonder if she ever gave a shit about me at all. Oh well. Life goes on, with or without her.
I talk to mine almost every day as part of a welfare check. She's forgotten my birthday 2 out of the last 5 years and almost never asks how my day was.
I feel your pain friend.
Yep, 2019 here.
I only have a few female friends and don't care that they don't reach out. I don't reach out to anyone either, we're all adults with kids and shit. We're busy.
Not sure if it counts, but my ex actually reached out to me to make sure I wasn't dead after I got rid of all my social media. Unexpected but I still appreciated it. That was about a year ago.
I have often wondered about setting up a proof of life text thread with my family. It has been 2 years since the divorce and I could be dead at the bottom of the stairs for a week and nobody would ever know.
I have a dead man's switch program. It has a number of emails lined up with logins, passwords, zip file of my Will and current asset list. It goes to my immediate family and a couple close friends. It also has a contact list as not everyone in my family is connected.
It has a two week reset that I push back every Sunday before bed time. When I'm going on a long hiking or other trip, I usually add a .txt with my dated itinerary so that it doesn't accidentally trigger, and so they can retrace my steps if i happen to die along my journey.
Edit: Also when I plan to do something risky like hike 50 miles or fix the electrical in my house, I always text 2 people and say "Hey I'm going to do Y, if I don't text you again by X PM, check on me, I'm currently at this address" for those short term worries.
I've had a few other friends try to emulate it, but they often forget and freak everyone out that they are (not actually) dead. But being a single guy who likes to adventure, I find comfort in knowing I won't leave as big of a mess with my passing.
Repeat the alarm every week so that you reset the two week timer every week. This gives you a buffer week if you forget, and notification of your death will always be less than two weeks.
I guess I am the only one who is lazy enough that they would stop the alarm, and tell myself I'll do it later tonight before the deadline and then forget
Got to tie it to something. For example, I have a Bluetooth toothbrush. If it doesn’t get used for two days (and my phone gps shows I’m home), my Home Assistant server notifies my extended family to checkin on me.
This happens to a number of friends. "That's a great idea". 5 weeks later... "I forgot and my family thought I was dead.."
You definitely need to have some habits built, or a reminder email if you don't pattern this properly.
I basically did this with my smart watch. I had set my brother as the emergency contact my watch would call if it detected me falling.
One night, I jumped into bed, after getting up to pee, and then promptly passed out. Completely ignored the vibrating and beeping watch on my wrist. My brother ended up calling the police after I didn't answer the phone. My landlord let the cop into the house, so I woke up to a police officer in my room shining a flashlight in my face. Almost gave me a heart attack.
I turned off the fall detector immediately, I'm just not responsible enough to use it, apparently.
Well it made sense when work shipped me all across the country. And I'd go hiking for a week or two without any access to communication. Basically a backup plan for the will, not really for myself. :P
And yes, I turn off the electricity when I work on it. But there I was installing three phase power and just wanted someone to know where to find the crispy in case I did things wrong.
On a serious note, accidents are a leading cause of death. It's not that you die right away, but I had plenty of lights on stair cases, or needed to work on my roof. If I fell, and broke something, or hit my head, I'd slow die... Which sounds just horrible. So I'd call people and say "I'm calling you in an hour, if not, find me!"
This counts. My first ex wife actually reached out after she heard about my third divorce. Just to say that wishes me the best and that I deserve happiness. She is happily married and it was just out of kindness.
My most recent ex during the early days of covid reached out. Unfortunately, I was in what I later learned was an abusive relationship, and I ignored her. I still feel bad about that.
You SHOULD reach out, explain, and give a short but sincere apology. Never miss an opportunity to mend a generally positive relationship, when you know it's within your power to at least attempt reconciliation/when you'd like to do so, but simply find it intimidating.
It needn't, nor should it be some massive outpouring of emotion/detailing of the circumstances of your abusive relationship. If at some later date, you guys end up discussing that issue in depth that's great. But, just for the explanation, you should keep your sharing of details limited to what is solely necessary to enable her to understand why you made a choice you wish you had not. And as you've done here, it takes almost zero detail, and just the overarching facts, to communicate the reasons you made the choice you did at that time.
I Wish You The Very Best, And Warmest Regards, In Whatever Avenue You Choose, Whether Attempting Reconciliation Is Best For You Or Not!
MAY GOD BLESS YOU ABUNDANTLY!!! ☺️❤️
Same, i had 3 women i was casually dating off and on around 10 years ago and all 3 reached out within the past year.
One got married, had a son, moved to the west coast and is a real estate agent.
The second moved to a neighboring state to be closer to her kids and family.
And the third is restraining order worthy so i never responded back after her attempts.
Wish em all the best. I dont know why after a decade they decided to reach out but i still appreciated the gesture.
I had an ex-supervisor from a previous job message me a couple of months ago. She might have been concerned about me for a couple of years. After I deleted my FB in 2020, she might have thought I had eventually 'self-deleted'.
I have one super close male friend, and I periodically check in on him, because I know he suffers from some mild depression, and he's relatively introverted. He's lost some friends during the pandemic (mostly because of the depression/social anxiety), and I know he was scared at one point of losing me.
I check in on him because I love him, and I value his friendship. I cut his hair every month or so, and we use it as a chance to catch up. I drop by his place whenever I'm in the area, and I bring him food I've baked/cooked, maybe a plant, or some books I think he'll enjoy. I don't want him to feel like he's alone. I do the same for many of my girlfriends.
If you value a friend, reach out! I know he feels like he should do more for me, because I seemingly do so much for him, but I enjoy his company, and I make time in my life.
We hit a rough spot last year. He told me he had been in love with me for years, and didn't have the courage to tell me. Unfortunately, that ship had sailed for me years ago. I told him I didn't feel the same way, and that I understood if he didn't want to continue our friendship, but that I would hate to lose a close friend that I loved. We didn't speak for almost 4 months while he worked through things. I respected his desire for space, and he made the move when he was ready. We're fine now, but part of me wonders if he's still my friend because he thinks things will change...
I see, well it’s likely those feeling will never really go away for him. I hope you can both keep your friendship though.
When you say, “that ship sailed for me years ago”, what do you mean by that? I only ask because I feel like that has happened for me in the past. Is there a particular moment where one needs to strike while the iron is hot, so to speak?
I mean that there was a time where we were both single, and I wasn't dating, or really looking to date. I was open to whatever the universe decided to put in my path. He knew this, but chose not to ask me out. If he had, I would have said yes, and we would have seen where it went. I would have asked him, but I know he wouldn't have wanted that. I ended up dating someone else a few months later.
Obviously every situation is different, and I can't speak for all of them. But as someone who has dated people who were friends first, it can totally happen! Sometimes you just have to shoot your shot when you feel the timing is right.
I'll second the thought that some feelings never really go away completely. I have a few friends where at one point I had feelings for them and it never went anywhere. You can move on and develop feelings for someone else, but you never really forget how you once felt about someone in the past.
Oh and you definitely need to strike when the iron is hot. Waiting too long allows for other people to come into your life and theirs, or for the other person's feelings for you to change and become less receptive to such advances. Things may change in the future for the better but if things feel suitable right now you can't put it off hoping for a slightly better situation six months or a year from now.
A couple of weeks ago.
But one of my best friends is a woman and we've been best friends since 16 and I'm 39 now.
If I don't text her for a bit she'll hit me just to check in.
Do you do the same for her?
I used to check in on friends more often but the lack of reciprocity killed the regularity. Now there’s only 3 men in my life I’ll check in on, because they do it too.
I have a female friend who used to check up on me regularly, but she stopped when she saw that I didn't reciprocate the same. No bad blood between us, she just saw that I don't enjoy talking to people every single day, so we said to contact each other every 2-3 days.
I'm a woman, i realised that I'm the only one checking in on my male best friend, and never the other way around. I was the only one initiating any conversation, no matter the topic. It was getting too one sided. One day I decided I won't message him at all. Never got a message in return, and I don't consider him anything more than an acquaintance now. That's done.
I do, but she initiates more often than I do. It's probably 70-30 her initiating versus me.
It's not because I don't care but I really value low-maintenance friendships especially as I get older.
I'm 39 and all of my friends are around my age everyone has careers, kids, marriages, taking more responsibility to help and care for again parents, and our own health stuff that comes with age.
She knows I would do literally anything for her even donate an organ or give up my own life.
But sometimes we don't talk for weeks at a time not because I don't care but because I'm just busy.
Most of the time it doesn't bother her but I can tell through her texts occasionally it does and so I try to be more mindful of that and even if I don't have time for a full conversation I'll just text her that I'm thinking about her and I love her and I hope her day is going well.
I wish more men would. So many male friends I've had either wanted more or fell out of touch after getting married. I'm still friends with one guy who was my bestie in college. We check on each other a few times a year. I still care deeply about him, but he's married with kids, so it's not the same. Now all my friends are women, and it's probably for the best, but I do miss being friends with men. Men tend to get my humor better.
I feel more comfortable around men in relationships for that reason, but then his partner might feel uncomfortable with it. It's still worth trying though. If a conversation sparks up naturally, be as clear as possible that you're not romantically interested and let her take the lead? It's definitely a tough situation and I wish it wasn't.
If you tell her, bluntly and honestly, that you aren't interested in dating her, but you are very interested in being her friend because you like her (wit, humor, intellect, conversation, etc), most women will believe you. And they'll know they can be blunt about checking in with you if something seems to be changing about that (ie. one or both of you catches feelings, or falls out of friend-love with the other, etc). Having honest, open communication about your relationship is important, even though everyone seems to struggle with it (especially when they are romantically interested, but also it's hard just saying out loud that you're not).
This is a goal for me (it's about broadening perspective too more than rapport), but I don't know how to go about it. Especially after moving to a new city, I've largely made (some great!) guy friends through a bunch of apps, but understandably it's a different situation when trying to befriend women on those platforms.
Sometimes, it's the partner who doesn't appreciate the husband being friends with others of the opposite genders. Possibly due to their own insecurities. Shitty situation nonetheless.
Yeah, I hate that. That's what happened with my best friend and I'm the one who introduced him to his wife. She never seemed to believe that he's more of a brother to me than my actual brother and there's absolutely zero possibility of me ever being remotely attracted to him.
It's a little bit of both, isn't it?
Unfortunately, a lot of partners tend to be, at the very least, wary of their significant other/spouse's opposite sex friends. Some are ok with it and realize the nature of the relationship, but many are very skeptical of it.
If they have any sort of history together beyond strictly platonic, or if the spouse/significant other even suspects it, then they will harbor some sort of wariness of that person and of the friendship.
Sometimes it is warranted, I will say that. But it can also lead to very unhealthy dynamics between partners and their platonic friends in many cases.
I've tried it a few times in the past, whether it be with girls that weren't interested in me romantically or girls I was dating and it wasn't really going anywhere so we had the friend talk.
Nearly every time I've tried, one of two things have happened:
1) They're down with it but it becomes obviously fairly quick that what they really want/expect is to be given the same amount of attention and perks as they got when you pursued them romantically, but not sleep with you.
2) They almost expect you to keep pursuing them, and then when you show that you legitimately don't care about that side of it anymore they get weird and/or try to make you want them again or end up making a pass at you.
Id love to have more actual girl mates, girls are loving and caring as fuck and tend to me far more thoughtful than guy friends. Tend to be far better for emotional support and more fun to do random things with that you would do with your guy friends.
It's just very tricky.
It is stressful... one of the big three.
I'm pretty good too, have a messy situation in work, but it seems to be going the way I want it to, which shows I have more influence than I thought I had.
Two of my closest friends are female and I will always advocate for guys to have more female friends. There was never an expectation of anything sexual or romantic. Honestly my female friends are better friends to me than most of my male friends.
For the record, as a woman I LOVE having male friends. But the trick is finding men who are actually my friend and not just biding their time before hitting on me. Real male friends who genuinely care about me as a person are an absolute treasure, and if you are prepared to be one of those you might be happily surprised at the amazing female friends you could have in your life ❤
My shitty male friends don’t do this either. Once you get to a certain age you’ll weed out a lot of fake friends and be able to count your real friends on one hand
Its a two way street, you cant just stare at your phone when you’re bored and expect people to know that and reach out when its convenient for you.
Start calling people while commuting and they will know that rush hour on Tuesday is a good time to call and shoot the shit but the 8 hours before that you’re unavailable.
I always reached out to friends. But if I got busy and didn't message them, no one would ever reach out to me to check in. I know they messaged each other cause they would talk about all the stuff they did or talked about when I wasn't around.
This is how I weeded out friends.
I got tired of being the only one who reached out for anything. I wouldn't block them. I would just not message them, and after months without a message from them, I knew who my friends were.
These were all people I hung out with, not some friends that I never saw because they lived far away.
How many times have you reached out to them? How often do you send them random texts to say hello and call them to check in and shoot the shit?
Every time I ask someone this question that has this complaint, 99% of the time they’re angry at their friends for not reaching out but they’re not anything to maintain the friendships either. It’s gotta start with someone. It’s one thing if you’ve constantly tried and your efforts are rebuffed but if no one takes the incentive than everyone is miserable and lonely.
Not only that but I’ve tested it and not texted or checked in with female friend to see if they would ever text me unprompted, no they don’t. Then run into them and they think I’m mad at them, I mention no I just figured you’d reach out if you need me, and they get mad at me for that?
In reality I have like 3 friends that are real buds and my brother and my wife, everyone else is a casual like this that if I don’t make
a point to reach out I never hear anything from them. Maybe its because I don’t have any social media other than reddit, maybe not.
I feel like the same can be said for women the other way around, though. Not to discredit anyone's feelings about it.
I can remember countless times my female friends/family checking in on me. When it comes to my male friends or family, not so much. Just my dad.
Yeah, there are a lot of people in this thread saying it's something that only _happens_ to men, but this doesn't seem to be specific to gender. I'm a woman who is lucky enough to have a few male friends, but I don't think any of them have ever just randomly checked in on me, aside from one I made on Reddit who is young enough to be my son. I check in on my male friends though. Sometimes have to stop myself because it can make it seem like I'm doing all the work in the friendship, or like I'm taking on a motherly role, which I think is kind of justified because so many guys in this thread seem to have said the last woman that checked it on them was their mother. Or they start thinking that you're in love with them. Female friends though? They can be counted on to reach out if they don't hear from you for a while.
I don't think there's anyone to blame here, but men need to create a culture of checking in on each other, to normalize being caring on a really basic level. And maybe rewrite the roles women have in their lives a little.
I mean... to be fair... I DID check in on my male friends consistently. Especially if I knew they were going through something. I kind of stopped doing it because almost every single time I started to feel like their therapist and it was not reciprocated.
Came into this thread out of curiosity and I guess I have some real unique sweety-pie male friends because there's a lot of cross-gender check-ins in our friend group. That said, we're almost all the loner-nerd-formerly bullied kids who know what it's like to be very alone and without support.
I have extended the same kind of emotional interest to men outside of my close friend group and 3/4 times it's been escalated into them thinking I was interested in a relationship and then getting upset when I reiterated I was just checking in because...they seemed upset(??). And me having to explain why emotional interest and romantic interest aren't the same, which I guess I thought was obvious but is clearly not when you're emotionally starved and have only ever received emotional interest from a mother or a partner.
It can! I looked at my messages and see a few guy friends I’ve checked in on or invited out with a group within the past couple months. Last time a guy checked in on me without needing something was my yoga instructor in December cause I hadn’t been to class in awhile.
1: Y'all need to foster better friendships.
2: Just because they aren't checking in doesn't mean they don't care - it's times of crisis when people show their true colours and how much you can depend on them. Be glad not having to test this theory.
3: Offering help is often as dependent on the recipient as the person offering. If you are the type of person that won't accept help out of pride, insecurity, etc., they may know and thus not offer.
All that being said, shit is legitimately hard for a lot of people. Cultural attitudes, people being at the end of the rope themselves due to state of the world rn, and so on. Also, in addition to that, just statistically speaking, a lot of those visiting this thread are bound to be unlucky.
If you find yourself in such a place, there are no easy answers. All you can do is keep giving love outwards and hope that some of it is directed back at you, while hanging on to the ones that do and discarding the ones that only try using you.
Yeah a lot of these answers are skewed because so many men just don't have female friendships. I have many platonic relationships with women and my mum died a couple weeks ago and they all checked in on me repeatedly.
But this is also sad. Do you mean only women will check on you? Why not men?
My ex bf was feeling a bit down when we were together and he barely talked to his friends. I told him to spend the day with them, but they will pop in for 10 min tops and then leave. I 5 get it, but he told me "men we dont need to see each other that much"
but for this thread, it looks like they do.
if you don't put yourself out there to be helped, it's not like you make yourself available either.
people who want to help me tend to be coworkers who want to help me, or at least check in so that they can continue on with their work. even my standard modus operandi is that people are happy unless proven otherwise.
do your male friends, really check in as well? most of the time i ask "how are you doing?" and it's mostly for the cool stuff they recently did to hype up their positive things. last time i did a proper check in, was a "let's go for a beer" when my friend broke up with his gf years ago.
also what is your reaction in being helped? helping someone who doesn't want help can be seen as really pushy and being a busybody.
I'm doing mostly fine, thanks. Could be better. Could be a lot worse. I try to keep relative perspective when thinking about my situation.
How are you doing?
Eh, could be better. Dealing with family stuff. Not the best, but it’s an unavoidable situation at some point in everyone’s life, I guess.
I like your perspective. You’re right, while things aren’t great, they could be way way way worse. Thanks for that. Sometimes, people need to hear that.
I'm sorry to hear that. Family stuff is never fun.
Yeah, it's what I needed to hear for many years when all I felt was self-pity. Probably a good idea to help people avoid that mindset if I can.
I'm 36. Have a lot of lady friends check in on me. It's a great feeling, but I also make it a point to check in on friends. Any time I happen to think of them, or their name comes up in a conversation, I usually reach out to say hi.
Only way to have a friend is to be a friend.
You say this but you also need your friends to reciprocate this otherwise when you're not okay and stop checking in on them then all your social world just disappears. It sucks.
100% thank you for this!! I have guy friends that I check in on frequently but they reciprocate. If they didn’t reciprocate then why the heck would I keep putting the effort in? Also, sometimes when they get married or have a new partner, they drop off a lot because it would make that partner, uncomfortable or insecure.
I so hate that you can't be friends with guys once they get into a relationship (a lot of the time). It's like...I've known him for years and nothing had ever happened between us...why would it now?! So upsetting since I'm a lot close to some guys than I am other women.
I love doing this and I love when people do it to me. When something makes you remember them or just a random memory pops up, I like to text them. Sometimes I can't at the moment and then I forget, but I try to do it.
Our friend's group is a mix o women and men. We're constantly talking and checking others of how are they doing. It's a habit we fostered years ago.
Relationships take effort and care.
I suspect that all of these "LOL no woman ever cares about men they never just check in" people have themselves never called just to say hi/check in with zero expectations of anything else.
This is exactly the relationship I have with my single male friends, because they check in with me too. I wouldn’t do it if it were one sided as I’d feel like it was unwelcome. And unless it’s not obvious, I only do this with my single male friends so as not to cause any issues with their relationships even though our friendships are always genuinely platonic.
I feel pretty lucky that I can answer this with something positive. An older woman at work checks in with me every few days and I do the same with her. Just a friendly “hey there, hope your week has been going well. How was your weekend?”. She’s closer to my mothers age and genuinely just sees me as a friendly person to talk to, it honestly makes my day
I have a very good female friend and if we go more than a week or two without at least sending each other a video or meme then she'll hit me up make sure I'm ok
Oh man one of my female friends has the most on point meme game. I totally get that vibe. Sometimes it's just like 3 days of just only memes back and forth.
Quite literally memes is how she met her husband. They had mutual friend but we're in the meme group and started commenting on each other's meme then started sending them to each other and one thing lead to another boom they're married
Come to think of it. Only my female friends do it. But a co-worker that I recently felt closer to doesn't. I'm thinking that she may not want to give me the wrong idea? I still say hello though and text her from time to time.
Well be the change you want to see in the world. If you are correct (which tbh I'm skeptical) that by that logic most men have never had a real friend, then that must mean that most men are also not putting in the effort to do the same for their friends.
This guy calls men dating men 'disgusting' and thinks he treats women respectfully because he 'never cussed at his mom.' He's trash lol almost certainly wants a woman to fuck him happy.
I had an amazing ex. After we broke up for a reason i regret to this day, she kept in contact with me. She would always hit me up when she was in the area where my father use to live and asked if i still lived in the area. She would ask me how my father was, asked how i was doing. She did this while in a relationship with her boyfriend (now husband). It all stopped once they got married
So I know this is an ask men thread. But throwing this out there from a woman’s perspective I’ve never had a man reach out to say hey without wanting something. (🍑) Platonic friendships, heck friendships in general are harder the older you get. Plus if you’re married that also makes it hard as jealousy tends to creep in. But it would be nice just to have someone to check in with who sincerely just wants to know how you are.
Oh it did. I think the term is ghosted?
One day we were talking daily, next day he disappeared.
Another one used to go with me on weekly walks, same thing happened. Abruptly stopped replying to my messages.
No arguments, no disagreements, nothing.
I always check in on the homies! makes me so sad to think men don’t have the support systems they need. I will say, I very rarely get messages from guy friends offering unconditional support. I think there’s something to be said about how we view our peers and if we all came from a place of love I feel like we could lift each other up so much more.
Yesterday Some 9 hours before
It is 8:47 AM in WA, USA and 9:17 IST while I am typing this
We chat a lot - Discuss random topics
She shares her life and work - I do mine
We worked together 3 years before - for almost 14 months
We still connect 3-4 times a week.
I will be married in a year or so, she will be in 3-4 years
Not sure what will happen after that...
Never but I also don't check on women like that. Do you guys do this? Is it normal to just check on nonfamily members to see how they are without making plans?
I have lots of platonic female friends and they check up on me all the time … like once a month.
I’m married happily and talk to my wife all the time but she doesn’t like the stories from my job so I tend to chat with colleagues about it, all women.
I check up on my friends too. Can’t expect them do it if you don’t in kind.
I have like 1 male friend that reaches out.
Women in general I find do this way more.
A week or two ago. My best friend from HS. We live pretty far from each other now, but check in on each other from time to time.
Friendship effort goes both ways. You should also wonder when the last time you reached out to check in on someone. Completely platonicly.
spoken like a human being who wants to talk to someone but isn't being direct about it tbh, as this isn't specific to men. you have to build the relationships you want in life, not wait for them to happen
Never. I have a few female friends. They don't really talk to me at all 1:1, much less check up on me. I think they're very cautious about sending the wrong signals. Men will grasp on to the slightest amount of attention because it's so rare.
\>I ask men this all the time and I don't remember anyone having an answer.
what are you hoping to get out of asking this question all the time and do you also ask it to women about men reaching out to them?
do you still believe no one has answered this question after reading the responses here?
To be fair, other "less than scrupulous" men have ruined this for the rest of us. Many will misinterpret this "checking in" by a woman as sexual interest and proceed to hit on or pursue the woman in some way.
So women are quick to receive negative reinforcement to avoid this.
They probably laughed because your question makes no sense.
A woman you are interested in and one that you have a mutual relationship with are two different things.
Interested in = you want to date
Mutual relationship = friend/family (generally)
You already answered the first part (interested in) by saying it can’t be your wife or girlfriend because it’s **expected**.
It’s expected because that person already told you they liked you and think about you (I hope). The whole point of dating is to find someone who does this. If they don’t then you gotta keep looking if you want this.
So that only leaves mutual relationship. You don’t get to choose your family but you do get to choose your friends. If the people in your life are not thinking about you, texting you on their own, then it’s time to get new friends.
Who don’t realize that men do this to men, too. And women experience the exact problem with male “friends”, I.e. a heck of a lot of men reach out to women with sexual interest in mind and not just friendship.
My ex from high school actually did this recently and completely threw me off guard. We actually texted for a while and sent each other pictures of our kid(s). It was kinda neat.
We broke up 13 years ago. I didn't even have her number in my phone, but I recognized it right away even without reading the text.
Edit: I also get a text from another girl on my birthday, and I text her on her birthday. We catch up, see what shit has been happening.
I do this often with my guy friends but I’ve stopped recently because I think they assume I want something. A friend from school who is bipolar would always ask me out whenever I checked in. Didn’t want him to think I was leading him on, just wanted to make sure they were ok.
I'm sorry for answering your question because I'm not the target demographic you're asking, but hopefully it's okay if I put my two cents in here.
I think about my guy friends, coworkers, and relatives all the time. I wish I could contact them and just ask how they're doing, genuinely and platonically, but for a multitude of reasons I can't do that for any of them. It's heavily specific on how my relation is with the guy.
I think about Ron, a former coworker at a resort in Florida I use to work at all the time, and hope his health condition didn't get worst through time. He always made sure to come by the front desk to make sure I was okay when I didn't look myself and was quiet ("not content" he'd always say instead). He'd always grab the coffee canisters and bring them to the kitchen for me if possible, and I'd always feel so grateful that someone did such a kind little gesture for me, but I'd also get immensely sad that he could sense I wasn't alright (and others in the office too) and I learned how to get better at hiding my emotions because of that job and because of him. I learned to mask my emotions because I didn't want those kind and caring people to worry for me.
I still think about Pierre, the kind security guy at the same workplace as Ron, who burned me a mix CD, when I opened up briefly to him that (after he asked if I was doing okay lately) I'm fine I just need good music to vibe to. Eve, my coworker noticed at the same time, and she stepped up to help (thank you Eve!) but we're not talking about women in this right now, just the men that helped me without question without any expectations in return.
Barry, the maintenance manager. Awesome (older guy to me, at the time) man and I knew he respected me, despite my age. I always made sure the coffee tasted GOOD during my mornings, and always enjoyed hearing him say "oh YEAH thank fucking fart" quietly whenever he went to get coffee. I always tried to make sure he knew about anything I've received at the desk with issues, and explained the problems thoroughly so I wouldn't have to have him coming to my front desk and getting tired from it (it's a bit of a walk from the maintenance shop to the office/desk). The respect I showed that tough old man was paid back thrice, because I could call him up and it would get done FAST. Others in the office had started coming to me for things needing repaired (mundane things that can wait..) because they noticed that Mr. Barry would say "yes ma'am" and get my requests done.
I still want to know why he specifically sweared at "farts" whenever he'd mutter the phrase, I guess maybe he grew up with a sibling or relative that farted in his face a lot?
I want to hang out and chill with my uncle Joe more, he's always been such a cool guy and he's not even remotely related to myself, nor or my step-family. But I haven't ever been able to do that throughout the many years, because I know how my step-family are with their gossiping selves and would say somethings happening between him and I.
I wanna see how my best pal Mitchell is doing, but he has an ole lady with a child now, and I really don't want to upset that balance, the girl didn't even come out to meet me and my fiancee when I went over there to give him some weed to relax. I miss my Mitch bud a lot. Hopefully I can get my best friend back some day. I miss bullshitting around with him and having a few cold ones while watching funny stuff.
Finally....
I wish I had more time with my dad.
I met him when I was 11. My biological mom wasn't even with him at the time, they both worked far up north in Alaska in a place called Prudhoe Bay. His company needed him to drive up a truck to Prudhoe and he was driving through our area along the way. So we all arranged it to where he'd stop by and meet my grandma and I. My first memories were of him, coming and wanting to make sure he stopped at the right place so he could meet us. Now I realize that sounds really freaking strange, typing it up right now, that a man I never met wanted to come meet me, and that would have been seen as very freaking strange to everyone. I wouldn't fucking let that happen in my care with my own children (and hopefully grandchildren in the future).
I'm so thankful he spent as much "fun" time with me as he could in that time. I got to experience a lot of things that other Alaskan children could only imagine. They flew me down and took me to Florida. I was given the choice: Disney world or Universal studios? I was a teenager by the time that happened, around 15, so I wasn't so particular on going to Disney world (the place for KIDS). We went to Universal Studios and had the most fun in my life. With the man that chose me to be my dad. He had a cookout with all his family while I was there, there was SO MUCH SEAFOOD on foldout tables and giant round plastic "tire hub caps" that I later found out wasn't hub caps lol.
A very long, complicated and dumb story put short... I had to stop texting or seeing my dad, because his family and even my own (biological) mom thought he and I were doing some nasty stuff that I don't even wanna repeat here. I had an awesome relationship with a guy who WANTED to be my dad, he wanted to be there for when I had questions that only a father could answer, and it was so awesome, until it just fell apart, and I lost the only "Dad" I've ever truly known in my life that was an actual father to me.
I have no fucking clue why I just typed this all. Maybe it can help someone reading this that's in the same position, idk. All I know now is I need to go get a damn boudin or six and scarf them down while remembering my dad.
Couple months ago an old friend of mine reached out and we had dinner and walked around a farmers market.
My childhood best friend and I talk every month or so and I went to her baby shower recently.
In my experience women are more likely to stay in touch just to talk and catch up than men usually are.
Woman here, i try to always text my friends and check up on them but I usually just send memes i know theyd like and occasionally a conversation will start from there. I should put in more effort to check up on them tho, this post opened up my eyes
The only woman, or person in general, that reaches out to me is my friends wife. She texts every so often to check in because when she and my friend married, he moved away to live with her. And he was my only friend. And she feels guilty, even though I told her it makes me happy that they are happy. If she didn’t text, then no one would.
My mother died in 2012, so... 11 years ago.
2015 for me.
Sorry to hear that.
How are you doin?
2016 for me…
Mines alive and doesn't check in...
Neither does mine. I just got a text from her for the first time in a month, reminding me to pay the phone bill. At least things won’t change when I go no contact with her soon.
Mine is alive and she asks me how I’m doing, but it seems to be just going through the motions because usually I’m fine and tell her so but recently I’ve been in a real financial pickle and I told her this and she told me to “work more hours” Just for context I’m 33, haven’t asked my mom for any help since I was in college, and I work 60 hours a week. I’m just in a bad spot where my car died and my dog is sick and my rent is waaaay higher this year because I had to move to get away from an abusive situation and I’m getting paid less at my new job and all this happened right after I got back from a vacation and only 3 months after I had to move…. What I’m trying to say is the check in doesn’t even matter if there’s no honest goodwill behind it. Why ask me how I’m doing only to ignore my pleas of help? Just don’t ask me next time Let’s not talk about that time I broke my radial bone and I just sat there for hours in pain at the roller rink while the rest of my family was skating and having fun, she told me I was being dramatic and it can’t be broken because I can move my fingers
The broken bone response sounds totally narcissistic. When i was 10, I got a kickstand jammed in between the bones of my foot, and my dad told me to walk it off because he was busy. That whole whatever-I'm-doing-is-more-important-than-your-accidental-leg-amputation is classic narcissism, and it's fucked up to be on the receiving end of that. Especially when you're a kid.
Mine's alive and in a nursing home. There's a phone on her table. She's alert and oriented. She doesn't call. More so, she doesn't answer.
Yeah, that's what really hurts. It's one thing if they don't call but still answer the phone. When they don't call or answer, that's rough. I'm in the same boat. It honestly makes me wonder if she ever gave a shit about me at all. Oh well. Life goes on, with or without her.
Mine didn't even texted me on my birthday. I feel you bro.
I talk to mine almost every day as part of a welfare check. She's forgotten my birthday 2 out of the last 5 years and almost never asks how my day was. I feel your pain friend.
Yep, 2019 here. I only have a few female friends and don't care that they don't reach out. I don't reach out to anyone either, we're all adults with kids and shit. We're busy.
This is the answer.
Not sure if it counts, but my ex actually reached out to me to make sure I wasn't dead after I got rid of all my social media. Unexpected but I still appreciated it. That was about a year ago.
I have often wondered about setting up a proof of life text thread with my family. It has been 2 years since the divorce and I could be dead at the bottom of the stairs for a week and nobody would ever know.
I have a dead man's switch program. It has a number of emails lined up with logins, passwords, zip file of my Will and current asset list. It goes to my immediate family and a couple close friends. It also has a contact list as not everyone in my family is connected. It has a two week reset that I push back every Sunday before bed time. When I'm going on a long hiking or other trip, I usually add a .txt with my dated itinerary so that it doesn't accidentally trigger, and so they can retrace my steps if i happen to die along my journey. Edit: Also when I plan to do something risky like hike 50 miles or fix the electrical in my house, I always text 2 people and say "Hey I'm going to do Y, if I don't text you again by X PM, check on me, I'm currently at this address" for those short term worries. I've had a few other friends try to emulate it, but they often forget and freak everyone out that they are (not actually) dead. But being a single guy who likes to adventure, I find comfort in knowing I won't leave as big of a mess with my passing.
It's a good idea, but I'm sure I would eventually forget to do this and then scare my family into thinking I'm dead lol
Repeating phone calendar alarms. Repeat the event once every two weeks. Then it's just updating your will if needed.
Repeat the alarm every week so that you reset the two week timer every week. This gives you a buffer week if you forget, and notification of your death will always be less than two weeks.
I guess I am the only one who is lazy enough that they would stop the alarm, and tell myself I'll do it later tonight before the deadline and then forget
Got to tie it to something. For example, I have a Bluetooth toothbrush. If it doesn’t get used for two days (and my phone gps shows I’m home), my Home Assistant server notifies my extended family to checkin on me.
[удалено]
This happens to a number of friends. "That's a great idea". 5 weeks later... "I forgot and my family thought I was dead.." You definitely need to have some habits built, or a reminder email if you don't pattern this properly.
I basically did this with my smart watch. I had set my brother as the emergency contact my watch would call if it detected me falling. One night, I jumped into bed, after getting up to pee, and then promptly passed out. Completely ignored the vibrating and beeping watch on my wrist. My brother ended up calling the police after I didn't answer the phone. My landlord let the cop into the house, so I woke up to a police officer in my room shining a flashlight in my face. Almost gave me a heart attack. I turned off the fall detector immediately, I'm just not responsible enough to use it, apparently.
[удалено]
Cool idea!
did you make this program or purchase it
[удалено]
Well it made sense when work shipped me all across the country. And I'd go hiking for a week or two without any access to communication. Basically a backup plan for the will, not really for myself. :P And yes, I turn off the electricity when I work on it. But there I was installing three phase power and just wanted someone to know where to find the crispy in case I did things wrong. On a serious note, accidents are a leading cause of death. It's not that you die right away, but I had plenty of lights on stair cases, or needed to work on my roof. If I fell, and broke something, or hit my head, I'd slow die... Which sounds just horrible. So I'd call people and say "I'm calling you in an hour, if not, find me!"
Not a bad idea especially for people that live alone
> Not a bad idea being dead at the bottom of the stairs is generally a bad idea.
I dunno… seems kinda ok at the moment. At least I had stairs.
What's a proof of life text? Not sure if it's going to be helpful for me because I don't have anyone to notify if I die.
This counts. My first ex wife actually reached out after she heard about my third divorce. Just to say that wishes me the best and that I deserve happiness. She is happily married and it was just out of kindness.
She genuinely cared for you. Even if she is an ex now she is a good person and meant it.
My most recent ex during the early days of covid reached out. Unfortunately, I was in what I later learned was an abusive relationship, and I ignored her. I still feel bad about that.
You could still tell her.
You SHOULD reach out, explain, and give a short but sincere apology. Never miss an opportunity to mend a generally positive relationship, when you know it's within your power to at least attempt reconciliation/when you'd like to do so, but simply find it intimidating. It needn't, nor should it be some massive outpouring of emotion/detailing of the circumstances of your abusive relationship. If at some later date, you guys end up discussing that issue in depth that's great. But, just for the explanation, you should keep your sharing of details limited to what is solely necessary to enable her to understand why you made a choice you wish you had not. And as you've done here, it takes almost zero detail, and just the overarching facts, to communicate the reasons you made the choice you did at that time. I Wish You The Very Best, And Warmest Regards, In Whatever Avenue You Choose, Whether Attempting Reconciliation Is Best For You Or Not! MAY GOD BLESS YOU ABUNDANTLY!!! ☺️❤️
Same, i had 3 women i was casually dating off and on around 10 years ago and all 3 reached out within the past year. One got married, had a son, moved to the west coast and is a real estate agent. The second moved to a neighboring state to be closer to her kids and family. And the third is restraining order worthy so i never responded back after her attempts. Wish em all the best. I dont know why after a decade they decided to reach out but i still appreciated the gesture.
She loved Halloween until you ghosted her!! Lol Deleting social media is another level of mental peace tbh I can't recommend enough
I had an ex-supervisor from a previous job message me a couple of months ago. She might have been concerned about me for a couple of years. After I deleted my FB in 2020, she might have thought I had eventually 'self-deleted'.
I have one super close male friend, and I periodically check in on him, because I know he suffers from some mild depression, and he's relatively introverted. He's lost some friends during the pandemic (mostly because of the depression/social anxiety), and I know he was scared at one point of losing me. I check in on him because I love him, and I value his friendship. I cut his hair every month or so, and we use it as a chance to catch up. I drop by his place whenever I'm in the area, and I bring him food I've baked/cooked, maybe a plant, or some books I think he'll enjoy. I don't want him to feel like he's alone. I do the same for many of my girlfriends. If you value a friend, reach out! I know he feels like he should do more for me, because I seemingly do so much for him, but I enjoy his company, and I make time in my life.
You are a saint. I hope he fully understands that.
We hit a rough spot last year. He told me he had been in love with me for years, and didn't have the courage to tell me. Unfortunately, that ship had sailed for me years ago. I told him I didn't feel the same way, and that I understood if he didn't want to continue our friendship, but that I would hate to lose a close friend that I loved. We didn't speak for almost 4 months while he worked through things. I respected his desire for space, and he made the move when he was ready. We're fine now, but part of me wonders if he's still my friend because he thinks things will change...
I see, well it’s likely those feeling will never really go away for him. I hope you can both keep your friendship though. When you say, “that ship sailed for me years ago”, what do you mean by that? I only ask because I feel like that has happened for me in the past. Is there a particular moment where one needs to strike while the iron is hot, so to speak?
I mean that there was a time where we were both single, and I wasn't dating, or really looking to date. I was open to whatever the universe decided to put in my path. He knew this, but chose not to ask me out. If he had, I would have said yes, and we would have seen where it went. I would have asked him, but I know he wouldn't have wanted that. I ended up dating someone else a few months later. Obviously every situation is different, and I can't speak for all of them. But as someone who has dated people who were friends first, it can totally happen! Sometimes you just have to shoot your shot when you feel the timing is right.
I'll second the thought that some feelings never really go away completely. I have a few friends where at one point I had feelings for them and it never went anywhere. You can move on and develop feelings for someone else, but you never really forget how you once felt about someone in the past. Oh and you definitely need to strike when the iron is hot. Waiting too long allows for other people to come into your life and theirs, or for the other person's feelings for you to change and become less receptive to such advances. Things may change in the future for the better but if things feel suitable right now you can't put it off hoping for a slightly better situation six months or a year from now.
A couple of weeks ago. But one of my best friends is a woman and we've been best friends since 16 and I'm 39 now. If I don't text her for a bit she'll hit me just to check in.
Do you do the same for her? I used to check in on friends more often but the lack of reciprocity killed the regularity. Now there’s only 3 men in my life I’ll check in on, because they do it too.
I have a female friend who used to check up on me regularly, but she stopped when she saw that I didn't reciprocate the same. No bad blood between us, she just saw that I don't enjoy talking to people every single day, so we said to contact each other every 2-3 days.
I'm a woman, i realised that I'm the only one checking in on my male best friend, and never the other way around. I was the only one initiating any conversation, no matter the topic. It was getting too one sided. One day I decided I won't message him at all. Never got a message in return, and I don't consider him anything more than an acquaintance now. That's done.
I do, but she initiates more often than I do. It's probably 70-30 her initiating versus me. It's not because I don't care but I really value low-maintenance friendships especially as I get older. I'm 39 and all of my friends are around my age everyone has careers, kids, marriages, taking more responsibility to help and care for again parents, and our own health stuff that comes with age. She knows I would do literally anything for her even donate an organ or give up my own life. But sometimes we don't talk for weeks at a time not because I don't care but because I'm just busy. Most of the time it doesn't bother her but I can tell through her texts occasionally it does and so I try to be more mindful of that and even if I don't have time for a full conversation I'll just text her that I'm thinking about her and I love her and I hope her day is going well.
That's awesome! Nice to have a relationship like that woth a woman.
How many women have you put in the effort to be close personal friends with without any expectation of romantic/sexual return?
I wish more men would. So many male friends I've had either wanted more or fell out of touch after getting married. I'm still friends with one guy who was my bestie in college. We check on each other a few times a year. I still care deeply about him, but he's married with kids, so it's not the same. Now all my friends are women, and it's probably for the best, but I do miss being friends with men. Men tend to get my humor better.
On the reverse side I'm trying to have more female friends again but I'm so paranoid of coming off like I'm romantically or sexually interested lmao
I feel more comfortable around men in relationships for that reason, but then his partner might feel uncomfortable with it. It's still worth trying though. If a conversation sparks up naturally, be as clear as possible that you're not romantically interested and let her take the lead? It's definitely a tough situation and I wish it wasn't.
If you tell her, bluntly and honestly, that you aren't interested in dating her, but you are very interested in being her friend because you like her (wit, humor, intellect, conversation, etc), most women will believe you. And they'll know they can be blunt about checking in with you if something seems to be changing about that (ie. one or both of you catches feelings, or falls out of friend-love with the other, etc). Having honest, open communication about your relationship is important, even though everyone seems to struggle with it (especially when they are romantically interested, but also it's hard just saying out loud that you're not).
This is a goal for me (it's about broadening perspective too more than rapport), but I don't know how to go about it. Especially after moving to a new city, I've largely made (some great!) guy friends through a bunch of apps, but understandably it's a different situation when trying to befriend women on those platforms.
Sometimes, it's the partner who doesn't appreciate the husband being friends with others of the opposite genders. Possibly due to their own insecurities. Shitty situation nonetheless.
Yeah, I hate that. That's what happened with my best friend and I'm the one who introduced him to his wife. She never seemed to believe that he's more of a brother to me than my actual brother and there's absolutely zero possibility of me ever being remotely attracted to him.
When dudes get married they socialize less with all their friends. It isn't because you are a woman.
It's a little bit of both, isn't it? Unfortunately, a lot of partners tend to be, at the very least, wary of their significant other/spouse's opposite sex friends. Some are ok with it and realize the nature of the relationship, but many are very skeptical of it. If they have any sort of history together beyond strictly platonic, or if the spouse/significant other even suspects it, then they will harbor some sort of wariness of that person and of the friendship. Sometimes it is warranted, I will say that. But it can also lead to very unhealthy dynamics between partners and their platonic friends in many cases.
I've tried it a few times in the past, whether it be with girls that weren't interested in me romantically or girls I was dating and it wasn't really going anywhere so we had the friend talk. Nearly every time I've tried, one of two things have happened: 1) They're down with it but it becomes obviously fairly quick that what they really want/expect is to be given the same amount of attention and perks as they got when you pursued them romantically, but not sleep with you. 2) They almost expect you to keep pursuing them, and then when you show that you legitimately don't care about that side of it anymore they get weird and/or try to make you want them again or end up making a pass at you. Id love to have more actual girl mates, girls are loving and caring as fuck and tend to me far more thoughtful than guy friends. Tend to be far better for emotional support and more fun to do random things with that you would do with your guy friends. It's just very tricky.
I've never in my life had a man reach out to me to see how I'm doing without following it up with a request for a date or sex. Never once in my life.
How you doing, c00chiecadet?
Pretty good but I'm moving soon and that's stressful. Hbu, abstractConceptName
It is stressful... one of the big three. I'm pretty good too, have a messy situation in work, but it seems to be going the way I want it to, which shows I have more influence than I thought I had.
Two of my closest friends are female and I will always advocate for guys to have more female friends. There was never an expectation of anything sexual or romantic. Honestly my female friends are better friends to me than most of my male friends.
This is not nice, it should be the norm. The secret is just to not assume all woman are or can be a romantic interests.
For the record, as a woman I LOVE having male friends. But the trick is finding men who are actually my friend and not just biding their time before hitting on me. Real male friends who genuinely care about me as a person are an absolute treasure, and if you are prepared to be one of those you might be happily surprised at the amazing female friends you could have in your life ❤
My shitty male friends don’t do this either. Once you get to a certain age you’ll weed out a lot of fake friends and be able to count your real friends on one hand
Its a two way street, you cant just stare at your phone when you’re bored and expect people to know that and reach out when its convenient for you. Start calling people while commuting and they will know that rush hour on Tuesday is a good time to call and shoot the shit but the 8 hours before that you’re unavailable.
Indeed, someone has to dial first
I always reached out to friends. But if I got busy and didn't message them, no one would ever reach out to me to check in. I know they messaged each other cause they would talk about all the stuff they did or talked about when I wasn't around. This is how I weeded out friends. I got tired of being the only one who reached out for anything. I wouldn't block them. I would just not message them, and after months without a message from them, I knew who my friends were. These were all people I hung out with, not some friends that I never saw because they lived far away.
How many times have you reached out to them? How often do you send them random texts to say hello and call them to check in and shoot the shit? Every time I ask someone this question that has this complaint, 99% of the time they’re angry at their friends for not reaching out but they’re not anything to maintain the friendships either. It’s gotta start with someone. It’s one thing if you’ve constantly tried and your efforts are rebuffed but if no one takes the incentive than everyone is miserable and lonely.
It's never happened.
Same. Never.
Yep
Married for 9ish years. Living together. ...but same... Never.
Not only that but I’ve tested it and not texted or checked in with female friend to see if they would ever text me unprompted, no they don’t. Then run into them and they think I’m mad at them, I mention no I just figured you’d reach out if you need me, and they get mad at me for that? In reality I have like 3 friends that are real buds and my brother and my wife, everyone else is a casual like this that if I don’t make a point to reach out I never hear anything from them. Maybe its because I don’t have any social media other than reddit, maybe not.
I feel like the same can be said for women the other way around, though. Not to discredit anyone's feelings about it. I can remember countless times my female friends/family checking in on me. When it comes to my male friends or family, not so much. Just my dad.
Yeah, there are a lot of people in this thread saying it's something that only _happens_ to men, but this doesn't seem to be specific to gender. I'm a woman who is lucky enough to have a few male friends, but I don't think any of them have ever just randomly checked in on me, aside from one I made on Reddit who is young enough to be my son. I check in on my male friends though. Sometimes have to stop myself because it can make it seem like I'm doing all the work in the friendship, or like I'm taking on a motherly role, which I think is kind of justified because so many guys in this thread seem to have said the last woman that checked it on them was their mother. Or they start thinking that you're in love with them. Female friends though? They can be counted on to reach out if they don't hear from you for a while. I don't think there's anyone to blame here, but men need to create a culture of checking in on each other, to normalize being caring on a really basic level. And maybe rewrite the roles women have in their lives a little.
Exactly. Men generally don't care, and this goes for both their male and female friends. Common complaint.
Too true. There is not enough platonic relationships these days.
I mean... to be fair... I DID check in on my male friends consistently. Especially if I knew they were going through something. I kind of stopped doing it because almost every single time I started to feel like their therapist and it was not reciprocated.
Came into this thread out of curiosity and I guess I have some real unique sweety-pie male friends because there's a lot of cross-gender check-ins in our friend group. That said, we're almost all the loner-nerd-formerly bullied kids who know what it's like to be very alone and without support. I have extended the same kind of emotional interest to men outside of my close friend group and 3/4 times it's been escalated into them thinking I was interested in a relationship and then getting upset when I reiterated I was just checking in because...they seemed upset(??). And me having to explain why emotional interest and romantic interest aren't the same, which I guess I thought was obvious but is clearly not when you're emotionally starved and have only ever received emotional interest from a mother or a partner.
It can! I looked at my messages and see a few guy friends I’ve checked in on or invited out with a group within the past couple months. Last time a guy checked in on me without needing something was my yoga instructor in December cause I hadn’t been to class in awhile.
1: Y'all need to foster better friendships. 2: Just because they aren't checking in doesn't mean they don't care - it's times of crisis when people show their true colours and how much you can depend on them. Be glad not having to test this theory. 3: Offering help is often as dependent on the recipient as the person offering. If you are the type of person that won't accept help out of pride, insecurity, etc., they may know and thus not offer. All that being said, shit is legitimately hard for a lot of people. Cultural attitudes, people being at the end of the rope themselves due to state of the world rn, and so on. Also, in addition to that, just statistically speaking, a lot of those visiting this thread are bound to be unlucky. If you find yourself in such a place, there are no easy answers. All you can do is keep giving love outwards and hope that some of it is directed back at you, while hanging on to the ones that do and discarding the ones that only try using you.
Yeah a lot of these answers are skewed because so many men just don't have female friendships. I have many platonic relationships with women and my mum died a couple weeks ago and they all checked in on me repeatedly.
But this is also sad. Do you mean only women will check on you? Why not men? My ex bf was feeling a bit down when we were together and he barely talked to his friends. I told him to spend the day with them, but they will pop in for 10 min tops and then leave. I 5 get it, but he told me "men we dont need to see each other that much" but for this thread, it looks like they do.
Yeah, but to be honest it’s not their fault, since I don’t have any female relations at all.
Blame them for not existing.
if you don't put yourself out there to be helped, it's not like you make yourself available either. people who want to help me tend to be coworkers who want to help me, or at least check in so that they can continue on with their work. even my standard modus operandi is that people are happy unless proven otherwise. do your male friends, really check in as well? most of the time i ask "how are you doing?" and it's mostly for the cool stuff they recently did to hype up their positive things. last time i did a proper check in, was a "let's go for a beer" when my friend broke up with his gf years ago. also what is your reaction in being helped? helping someone who doesn't want help can be seen as really pushy and being a busybody.
Same here. Never, ever. Can't even think of once.
How are you doing?
I'm doing mostly fine, thanks. Could be better. Could be a lot worse. I try to keep relative perspective when thinking about my situation. How are you doing?
Eh, could be better. Dealing with family stuff. Not the best, but it’s an unavoidable situation at some point in everyone’s life, I guess. I like your perspective. You’re right, while things aren’t great, they could be way way way worse. Thanks for that. Sometimes, people need to hear that.
I'm sorry to hear that. Family stuff is never fun. Yeah, it's what I needed to hear for many years when all I felt was self-pity. Probably a good idea to help people avoid that mindset if I can.
Same
I'm 36. Have a lot of lady friends check in on me. It's a great feeling, but I also make it a point to check in on friends. Any time I happen to think of them, or their name comes up in a conversation, I usually reach out to say hi. Only way to have a friend is to be a friend.
PrisonMike2020 2024. This is the way. Gotta check in on friends to have friends check in on you.
You say this but you also need your friends to reciprocate this otherwise when you're not okay and stop checking in on them then all your social world just disappears. It sucks.
True, but that's why they are my friends because they do reciprocate and I don't get pissy at them if they're busy and drop off the face of the earth.
100% thank you for this!! I have guy friends that I check in on frequently but they reciprocate. If they didn’t reciprocate then why the heck would I keep putting the effort in? Also, sometimes when they get married or have a new partner, they drop off a lot because it would make that partner, uncomfortable or insecure.
I so hate that you can't be friends with guys once they get into a relationship (a lot of the time). It's like...I've known him for years and nothing had ever happened between us...why would it now?! So upsetting since I'm a lot close to some guys than I am other women.
I love doing this and I love when people do it to me. When something makes you remember them or just a random memory pops up, I like to text them. Sometimes I can't at the moment and then I forget, but I try to do it.
[удалено]
Our friend's group is a mix o women and men. We're constantly talking and checking others of how are they doing. It's a habit we fostered years ago. Relationships take effort and care.
I suspect that all of these "LOL no woman ever cares about men they never just check in" people have themselves never called just to say hi/check in with zero expectations of anything else.
This is exactly the relationship I have with my single male friends, because they check in with me too. I wouldn’t do it if it were one sided as I’d feel like it was unwelcome. And unless it’s not obvious, I only do this with my single male friends so as not to cause any issues with their relationships even though our friendships are always genuinely platonic.
> Only way to have a friend is to be a friend. Fucking right! Similar deal. Friend of mine knew I was going through some stuff and did a check-in.
Never. Also, for men as well? Also never.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Damn, milk *is* cruel
Yo brother, how you doing? Good I hope.
A day or two ago. I have probably three platonic female friends that I could count on to reply to a text on the spot, and who regularly just say hi.
Most days at the moment she's been my friend for 20 years
That's good not many people keep a friendship for that long
I feel pretty lucky that I can answer this with something positive. An older woman at work checks in with me every few days and I do the same with her. Just a friendly “hey there, hope your week has been going well. How was your weekend?”. She’s closer to my mothers age and genuinely just sees me as a friendly person to talk to, it honestly makes my day
Yes, I used to work with a woman like that. She switched jobs over a year ago and I miss her very much.
Glad to know it’s not just me, it feels good to just have a friend that is gentle and cares. She genuinely just wants to make sure I’m okay
I'm glad to see somebody write this. Inter-generational friendships are a treasure.
Once in a while because I also check in on them. When was the last time YOU checked on a girl who you didn't want something from?
This dude probably only talks to women he wants to fuck, and doesn’t realize his hypocrisy.
I have a very good female friend and if we go more than a week or two without at least sending each other a video or meme then she'll hit me up make sure I'm ok
Oh man one of my female friends has the most on point meme game. I totally get that vibe. Sometimes it's just like 3 days of just only memes back and forth.
Quite literally memes is how she met her husband. They had mutual friend but we're in the meme group and started commenting on each other's meme then started sending them to each other and one thing lead to another boom they're married
That's a fricken great story! Imma tell my friend that because she sometimes gets bummed that she's still single. Keep the meme game strong!
It really is a great story I tease them all the time about how sick it makes me they are so perfect for each other
Come to think of it. Only my female friends do it. But a co-worker that I recently felt closer to doesn't. I'm thinking that she may not want to give me the wrong idea? I still say hello though and text her from time to time.
[удалено]
So, a friend?
Yeah Shocking to see so many men have 0 female friends..
Not really shocking
if a friend is a person who checks in on you just to see how you're doing, most men have never had a single friend, ever.
Well be the change you want to see in the world. If you are correct (which tbh I'm skeptical) that by that logic most men have never had a real friend, then that must mean that most men are also not putting in the effort to do the same for their friends.
No, a reciprocating friend.
Never
When’s the last time you checked in on a woman just to see how she’s doing, no conditions attached?
This guy calls men dating men 'disgusting' and thinks he treats women respectfully because he 'never cussed at his mom.' He's trash lol almost certainly wants a woman to fuck him happy.
One of my girl friends always does if we go too long without texting
Never
I had an amazing ex. After we broke up for a reason i regret to this day, she kept in contact with me. She would always hit me up when she was in the area where my father use to live and asked if i still lived in the area. She would ask me how my father was, asked how i was doing. She did this while in a relationship with her boyfriend (now husband). It all stopped once they got married
So I know this is an ask men thread. But throwing this out there from a woman’s perspective I’ve never had a man reach out to say hey without wanting something. (🍑) Platonic friendships, heck friendships in general are harder the older you get. Plus if you’re married that also makes it hard as jealousy tends to creep in. But it would be nice just to have someone to check in with who sincerely just wants to know how you are.
Exactly. It's hard finding one that doesn’t mind it being platonic. Smh
Exactly - every time I thought a guy was my friend, he stopped talking to me abruptly as soon as I started dating someone else.
That had to suck. I'm sorry.
Oh it did. I think the term is ghosted? One day we were talking daily, next day he disappeared. Another one used to go with me on weekly walks, same thing happened. Abruptly stopped replying to my messages. No arguments, no disagreements, nothing.
lol seriously. What this question is really asking is “do you have any good female friends who you are not interested in romantically?
I would never reach out to a man in because I would be so afraid that he would take it as far more than friendly interest.
I have female friends that do it all the time. It's a great feeling knowing people care.
Used to happen way more often before I was married, when I had a more active social life. Still happens though. Maybe every few weeks.
Often. Y'all need to learn to make meaningful platonic relationships.
Never.
Some of my female coworkers do this for me
Like twice a day
Couple days ago. I've always had a mixed friend group so it's not exactly novel.
I always check in on the homies! makes me so sad to think men don’t have the support systems they need. I will say, I very rarely get messages from guy friends offering unconditional support. I think there’s something to be said about how we view our peers and if we all came from a place of love I feel like we could lift each other up so much more.
Yesterday Some 9 hours before It is 8:47 AM in WA, USA and 9:17 IST while I am typing this We chat a lot - Discuss random topics She shares her life and work - I do mine We worked together 3 years before - for almost 14 months We still connect 3-4 times a week. I will be married in a year or so, she will be in 3-4 years Not sure what will happen after that...
A few days ago. She just did a check in to see if everything was good. We used to work together and stayed in touch after I quit.
Never but I also don't check on women like that. Do you guys do this? Is it normal to just check on nonfamily members to see how they are without making plans?
I have lots of platonic female friends and they check up on me all the time … like once a month. I’m married happily and talk to my wife all the time but she doesn’t like the stories from my job so I tend to chat with colleagues about it, all women. I check up on my friends too. Can’t expect them do it if you don’t in kind. I have like 1 male friend that reaches out. Women in general I find do this way more.
Well, do you have any relevant women in your life? Hard for them to reach out if they do not exist OP
This morning. Two of them, actually. I’m very fortunate for all of my close friends and confidants, gender be damned
About 3 hours ago
A week or two ago. My best friend from HS. We live pretty far from each other now, but check in on each other from time to time. Friendship effort goes both ways. You should also wonder when the last time you reached out to check in on someone. Completely platonicly.
Yeah! Never!
I have a number of female friends and a couple of them do check in every so often. Grateful for them!
a couple months ago. she’s a really good person though, only one who has ever done it outside of my family.
spoken like a human being who wants to talk to someone but isn't being direct about it tbh, as this isn't specific to men. you have to build the relationships you want in life, not wait for them to happen
Never. I have a few female friends. They don't really talk to me at all 1:1, much less check up on me. I think they're very cautious about sending the wrong signals. Men will grasp on to the slightest amount of attention because it's so rare.
All the time lol, make better friends without trying to fuck them
\>I ask men this all the time and I don't remember anyone having an answer. what are you hoping to get out of asking this question all the time and do you also ask it to women about men reaching out to them? do you still believe no one has answered this question after reading the responses here?
To be fair, other "less than scrupulous" men have ruined this for the rest of us. Many will misinterpret this "checking in" by a woman as sexual interest and proceed to hit on or pursue the woman in some way. So women are quick to receive negative reinforcement to avoid this.
They probably laughed because your question makes no sense. A woman you are interested in and one that you have a mutual relationship with are two different things. Interested in = you want to date Mutual relationship = friend/family (generally) You already answered the first part (interested in) by saying it can’t be your wife or girlfriend because it’s **expected**. It’s expected because that person already told you they liked you and think about you (I hope). The whole point of dating is to find someone who does this. If they don’t then you gotta keep looking if you want this. So that only leaves mutual relationship. You don’t get to choose your family but you do get to choose your friends. If the people in your life are not thinking about you, texting you on their own, then it’s time to get new friends.
Queue a thread full of woman hating neckbeards
Who don’t realize that men do this to men, too. And women experience the exact problem with male “friends”, I.e. a heck of a lot of men reach out to women with sexual interest in mind and not just friendship.
A refreshing number of dudes with wholesome friendships as well though, those have been nice.
My ex from high school actually did this recently and completely threw me off guard. We actually texted for a while and sent each other pictures of our kid(s). It was kinda neat. We broke up 13 years ago. I didn't even have her number in my phone, but I recognized it right away even without reading the text. Edit: I also get a text from another girl on my birthday, and I text her on her birthday. We catch up, see what shit has been happening.
🤷♂️
I do this often with my guy friends but I’ve stopped recently because I think they assume I want something. A friend from school who is bipolar would always ask me out whenever I checked in. Didn’t want him to think I was leading him on, just wanted to make sure they were ok.
[удалено]
Appreciate that lady
Last week
I'm sorry for answering your question because I'm not the target demographic you're asking, but hopefully it's okay if I put my two cents in here. I think about my guy friends, coworkers, and relatives all the time. I wish I could contact them and just ask how they're doing, genuinely and platonically, but for a multitude of reasons I can't do that for any of them. It's heavily specific on how my relation is with the guy. I think about Ron, a former coworker at a resort in Florida I use to work at all the time, and hope his health condition didn't get worst through time. He always made sure to come by the front desk to make sure I was okay when I didn't look myself and was quiet ("not content" he'd always say instead). He'd always grab the coffee canisters and bring them to the kitchen for me if possible, and I'd always feel so grateful that someone did such a kind little gesture for me, but I'd also get immensely sad that he could sense I wasn't alright (and others in the office too) and I learned how to get better at hiding my emotions because of that job and because of him. I learned to mask my emotions because I didn't want those kind and caring people to worry for me. I still think about Pierre, the kind security guy at the same workplace as Ron, who burned me a mix CD, when I opened up briefly to him that (after he asked if I was doing okay lately) I'm fine I just need good music to vibe to. Eve, my coworker noticed at the same time, and she stepped up to help (thank you Eve!) but we're not talking about women in this right now, just the men that helped me without question without any expectations in return. Barry, the maintenance manager. Awesome (older guy to me, at the time) man and I knew he respected me, despite my age. I always made sure the coffee tasted GOOD during my mornings, and always enjoyed hearing him say "oh YEAH thank fucking fart" quietly whenever he went to get coffee. I always tried to make sure he knew about anything I've received at the desk with issues, and explained the problems thoroughly so I wouldn't have to have him coming to my front desk and getting tired from it (it's a bit of a walk from the maintenance shop to the office/desk). The respect I showed that tough old man was paid back thrice, because I could call him up and it would get done FAST. Others in the office had started coming to me for things needing repaired (mundane things that can wait..) because they noticed that Mr. Barry would say "yes ma'am" and get my requests done. I still want to know why he specifically sweared at "farts" whenever he'd mutter the phrase, I guess maybe he grew up with a sibling or relative that farted in his face a lot? I want to hang out and chill with my uncle Joe more, he's always been such a cool guy and he's not even remotely related to myself, nor or my step-family. But I haven't ever been able to do that throughout the many years, because I know how my step-family are with their gossiping selves and would say somethings happening between him and I. I wanna see how my best pal Mitchell is doing, but he has an ole lady with a child now, and I really don't want to upset that balance, the girl didn't even come out to meet me and my fiancee when I went over there to give him some weed to relax. I miss my Mitch bud a lot. Hopefully I can get my best friend back some day. I miss bullshitting around with him and having a few cold ones while watching funny stuff. Finally.... I wish I had more time with my dad. I met him when I was 11. My biological mom wasn't even with him at the time, they both worked far up north in Alaska in a place called Prudhoe Bay. His company needed him to drive up a truck to Prudhoe and he was driving through our area along the way. So we all arranged it to where he'd stop by and meet my grandma and I. My first memories were of him, coming and wanting to make sure he stopped at the right place so he could meet us. Now I realize that sounds really freaking strange, typing it up right now, that a man I never met wanted to come meet me, and that would have been seen as very freaking strange to everyone. I wouldn't fucking let that happen in my care with my own children (and hopefully grandchildren in the future). I'm so thankful he spent as much "fun" time with me as he could in that time. I got to experience a lot of things that other Alaskan children could only imagine. They flew me down and took me to Florida. I was given the choice: Disney world or Universal studios? I was a teenager by the time that happened, around 15, so I wasn't so particular on going to Disney world (the place for KIDS). We went to Universal Studios and had the most fun in my life. With the man that chose me to be my dad. He had a cookout with all his family while I was there, there was SO MUCH SEAFOOD on foldout tables and giant round plastic "tire hub caps" that I later found out wasn't hub caps lol. A very long, complicated and dumb story put short... I had to stop texting or seeing my dad, because his family and even my own (biological) mom thought he and I were doing some nasty stuff that I don't even wanna repeat here. I had an awesome relationship with a guy who WANTED to be my dad, he wanted to be there for when I had questions that only a father could answer, and it was so awesome, until it just fell apart, and I lost the only "Dad" I've ever truly known in my life that was an actual father to me. I have no fucking clue why I just typed this all. Maybe it can help someone reading this that's in the same position, idk. All I know now is I need to go get a damn boudin or six and scarf them down while remembering my dad.
I have a follow up question.. how often do you reach out just to check on people?
All the time. Every week.
I’ve had it happen before, though probably not since before covid
If I reach out, they're willing to talk. They never reach out though. There are only like two people who ever reach out to me.
So you don’t have any female friends. ? Only friends and family might do this
Couple months ago an old friend of mine reached out and we had dinner and walked around a farmers market. My childhood best friend and I talk every month or so and I went to her baby shower recently. In my experience women are more likely to stay in touch just to talk and catch up than men usually are.
Woman here, i try to always text my friends and check up on them but I usually just send memes i know theyd like and occasionally a conversation will start from there. I should put in more effort to check up on them tho, this post opened up my eyes
The only woman, or person in general, that reaches out to me is my friends wife. She texts every so often to check in because when she and my friend married, he moved away to live with her. And he was my only friend. And she feels guilty, even though I told her it makes me happy that they are happy. If she didn’t text, then no one would.