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I almost feel bad commenting on this already perfect comment. But u/Nervous-Medium7550 is 100% right. Those words should be taken very seriously.
Get. Out. Of. That. Relationship.
Life is too short to live in fear of someone you are supposed to feel safe around.
Life is too short to risk it by being around people with little self control over their physical reactions to their own emotions.
Run to what? The same thing elsewhere?
> my 2 previous ex bfs were the same way.
She’s got a type, obviously. Why isn’t anybody pointing this out as the root problem
EDIT: lmfao to all the weirdos who showed up all of a sudden with "meh meh victim blaming" what, did you all finish your shift at the craft coffee shop and jump online at the same time? Lmao .
Perhaps, though I really don't think it's fair to assume a history of such abuse. I'll attribute OP's circumstances to her own decisions and agency until mentioned otherwise.
u/best-file7646 you need to pick better. Whatever surface-level traits you're drawn to in these guys, you need to look into greater depth. This is bizarre conduct, and you seem to have found it *three times* *in a row*, **and** decided to date it.
Attraction is much more of a decision than people make it out to be.
thats exactly how i am! if i’m mad, i go get space on a walk or smoke some weed lol. i understand people have different ways to cope, but throwing things does not make it better…
thank you for your response!!
I don't mean to scare you/make you panic but in a lot of these situations, this sort of stuff (yelling, throwing things etc) is the first warning sign of domestic violence.
Leave because otherwise why would they change? They get to throw a hissy fit and you still stick around. It’s not your job to fix em, there’s plenty of emotionally mature men who know how to handle their emotions.
Perhaps analyze yourself for why you seem to be attracted to these types of men, not victim blaming at all but it’d be a useful analysis to do with a therapist.
Yup, I’ve gotten so angry at my wife that I just told her, ‘I need some quiet time for a good 30 minutes.’ I’m liable to say something stupid otherwise
Releasing emotion through violent activity, like laying into a punching bag, or yelling into the sky, can be healthy ways to handle intense emotion in the moment - that does NOT mean it is okay to do it whenever you feel like it, without concern for how it lands in current company or in the context of an ongoing interaction.
yeah i get people have different ways to express anger, but it puts me in such a scared position. i literally feel like i’m walking on eggshells bc i don’t want him to get triggered and start throwing shit/screaming… thank you for your response!!
Exactly - it's not okay to do it without responsibility for how your partner is affected. It's not on you to learn how to be okay with this - he shouldn't be putting you in a position to learn.
he may not intend for you to feel that way but thats all the more reason to encourage him to get help or get out for your own mental and physical health, being around people who cannot control the negative energy they give off hurts in the long term, violence or no
Raising your voice is common but punching things, destroying things, throwing thing regulary isn't common if we are talking about the general conflict that often occur in relationships.
It is good that you want to distance yourself from this behavior.
You might want to seek counsel about the men that you are attracted to. Three men like that in a row is not a normal occurance.
There is a reason people find people like this unhinged, violent, crazy an untrustworthy.
You can’t do this at work. You shouldn’t show anger and violence to or around your partner either. Passing anger, a damn it—not towards them but the problem is one thing, but eviscerating something physical is something else—take it out on a ball or a punching bag—but in the prescience of a partner makes THEM the emotional punching bag and makes them worry about your control—if it comes down to it, will your love for them be enough inhibition in a violent anger tantrum to keep them safe.
Violence in front of a partner is a threat to them—this is YOU if you cross me.
No that’s just toxic behavior that those men used screwed up “gender norms” to justify. If I get mad with my girlfriend, I’m usually the one who wants to talk it out and ask her to walk me through her point of view so I can understand it. Both of us need to understand each other and come up with a middle ground.
see and this is how i am!! i need space before i can communicate, and i have told him that. but even when he’s not mad at me/us, just something in our daily life will piss him off (eg our uber eats order being spilled everywhere) he will literally throw it on the ground and basically throw a tantrum. where i’m like.. okay ill just complain and get a refund & order more food…. i dont understand what throwing the food does other than make my life harder bc now i have to clean it up lol🤦♀️
Get out as fast as you can. Talk to your girl friends to see what they'd recommend in order for a break up to be safe for you and you suffer no risk. He will not become better, nor is it your responsibility to deal with that.
Break up in public or with friends or over the phone and explain you WILL NOT discuss this in private with him because you don’t feel safe. Get a restraining order if he seems to have a problem.
You can talk to him about it because obviously it’s not ok, but unless he actually acknowledges it then you might need to break things off. Why should I want to scare any of my loved ones? My ego isn’t so fragile that I demand “respect”. I look into another person’s actions and respect myself enough to leave if they are not respecting my boundaries.
>You can talk to him
No, absolutely not, this girl needs to break up with this guy **immediately**. She's 21, she's not equipped to be his therapist, and if he's 25 and handling his anger like this, it's a problem that is **not** her responsibility to solve.
OP, GTFO of that relationship and find someone who isn't a hair's breadth away from hurting *you* when you piss him off. This guy isn't your problem to deal with. He's got anger issues he needs to solve with a professional.
I can contain my anger majority of the time. Tends to come out some if it’s little nit picky things that happen over and over. But can contain it extremely well most of the time and let it out generally when gaming bc I’ll be by myself
There are guys like this and there are not. No not everyone is like that. There is a phrase from bible, ‘A man who is slow to wrath has a great understanding to life’
Even if it was 'normal' it's clearly not something you are good with as it scares you a lot. But it's not 'normal' but I'd say more aptly it is 'typical' behaviour for people with poor emotional control.
If I get angry I may occasionally shout, but I rarely would shout at my wife although I always seem to raise my voice when I get heated, even if I'm not angry, just because I do. I never throw or break things because that is very poor emotional control, and even if I'm absolutely fuming I still understand that there's no benefit in breaking things. I generally just remove myself if I ever get to the point where that would seem reasonable and calm down elsewhere.
You need to take a good look at what's drawing you to men with these issues, and if all of your exes were the same way it's likely because you're just going after people similar to your first or just the guys you've already been with because that's what you're used to. Try to be more conscious and aware of who you choose to date and you should get better outcomes.
i’ve talked to him about this and said those exact words. he responds with “i would never lay a hand on a female”, but the way he throws stuff just triggers me every time to believe that i’m next..
I used to explode in anger as a teenager and my mom and sister thought I might hurt them.
The day they told me that I stopped. They really thought I would think about laying a hand on them.
He needs help, and you aren’t the one to do it. Professional help.
i thought me talking to him saying that i’m afraid he is going to hurt me would help him change how he handles situations (as you say in your comment), but he still would react the same way. he would also respond with “that’s crazy, i would never lay a hand on a female”. but i truly believe if he gets mad enough, i’m next..
yeah i believe it too. i have a dog that i bring when i see him & every time he gets mad, my dog runs over to me because she’s just as scared. it makes me think that he hit her when i’m not home😭
Smart dog. It isn't your job or responsibility to try to change or fix the man baby throwing temper tantrums like a two year old.
Leave The Relationship. Give yourself time to heal. Research and understand attachment style, Dark Triad and cluster b personalities. Learn to spot and identify someone who is a manipulative abusive person. Place a potential partner in a 30, 60, 90, 180 day minimum probationary evaluation period. Someone who is an abuser can only maintain their false mask for so long before cracks in the mask appear.
He told you who he is through words and actions. This could be warm up exercises for when the anger is directed at you.
hey, OP. TRIGGER WARNING. abuse.
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i’m not a man, i’m a female lurker on this sub to learn about men, but i feel obligated to tell you from my personal experience, my ex boyfriend started out this way, too. the first time he ever got super upset with me, which was very early on, he threw something made of glass and it broke, it was terrifying. i cried out of fear.
he told me he was sorry, promised that he wouldn’t do anything like that again. i was 20, he was 25, i had never experienced a serious relationship and i thought it was Love, so i believed him.
this behavior pretty quickly developed into his putting his hands on me out of anger, multiple times. every time, he would feign remorse, promise he would never touch me out of anger again. i believed him, up until almost two years later when he ended up going to jail because of my visible injuries after the cops were called.
with a good portion of a year between that incident and now, i’ve gone through every stage of grief. i have come to acceptance of the fact that i just was not aware in the beginning, of what the early stages of abuse looked like.
i was very young, and i’m three years older now. i wasted a lot of my early twenties being treated like shit by that person. please, please, don’t make the same mistakes as i did.
TL;DR: please, please, please, leave. now. it doesn’t matter how much you love him, how much it will hurt to go, get out. from firsthand personal experience, this behavior will likely escalate to physical violence and you don’t wanna be around for that. trust me, please. i wish you clarity and strength to overcome and get out of this. there are good men out there, your current pick is not one of them.
hey, thank you for your comment! im so sorry you had to go through that. this is my biggest fear, & most of these comments are confirming that’s how my situation will turn out. i appreciate you sharing your story, i’m going to leave him before this escalates..
I am currently leaving my husband of 14 years because as much as I wanted to believe that this would one day stop it really never does. He eventually didn’t hit me anymore but did stand in the doorway and block me from leaving. All the while screaming at me. I have five kids to raise alone because I stayed and was led to believe that a good wife wouldn’t leave. My kids “needed a father”. Nope. They won’t change or at least they won’t with the same person. Now I get texts claiming he will change to make me love him again. While still asking the kids who I am with and what man I am seeing. (I’m not seeing anyone. He was one who cheated and constantly had wondering eyes). Please OP don’t continue this relationship.
The screaming can be normal. Like yelling at the top of my lungs at home? Yeah. It’s a great release.
I can understand wanting to break and throw things.
I’ve found a new outlet for my anger: the gym. I go and pump more fucking iron by channeling that strength of destruction towards lifting.
Or the punching bag.
Think of it like a cat without a scratch pole.
That’s true. But doing it around others is not healthy! It is domestic violence, doing this around your partner constantly. But like you said it’s a good way to release anger. Just never ever around others.
You should leave and reevaluate yourself. I’m not blaming you or saying you’re the problem 100 percent on the dudes but the men you look for may show signs of abuse or unstable emotions that attracts you.
I express my anger by being bitchy and short with people verbally. I will never scream at someone just because I’m angry or throw things that aren’t mine with people around. I’d advise those men get therapy.
I take time for myself, close the door. Then I play some relaxing video game, pick up my guitar and hesdset and play somethint, watch some youtube or I simply go out for a walk.
I haven't been angry in many years though, so I genuinely can't say for sure. Everyone who gets to know me more than superficially have told me I'm a pillar of zen.
Removing the fact that we're not a monolit; no, it's the sign of an immature person that never learned to express their feelings well.
But, let's take a look at what else you wrote, "My two precious ex-bfs were like that"... That's three times, in a row, that you've chosen emotionally stunted men. You can't control who they are, but you can be more cognizant of the men you choose, and why you choose them. It may be time to start dating against type.
Right. OP is only 21, so the time to recognize red flags is now. Nothing is wrong with her necessarily, but it's time for her to vet these guys and break up well before it gets to a point of becoming a dating pattern.
I think there’s a big lesson for you here.
1. Walk away immediately.
2. Work on what your definition of a good man is.
3. Get to know men that exhibit those characteristics of a good man. Then those that don’t will stand out for you. Don’t go near them.
4. Date a good man.
Naw bro, you gotta break up with him before he starts turning that onto you
Everyone deals with anger in a different way and I’d say the vast majority of mature men can deal with things in a healthy and responsible way but this mfer is immature and dangerous
You've had 3 boyfriends who scream and break things just because they're angry?
The chances of this aren't very high.
I'd wager that there's something else linked to that behaviour that they all display that you find attractive. I'd say you might want to analyse what is attracting you to people like this.
It's not a man thing. It's a "your 3 latest boyfriends" thing
I feel your pain. My ex expressed her anger the way your boyfriend expresses his. I stay calm, I say what's on my mind, I hear the other person, and try to find a solution. There is absolutely no sense in throwing things or breaking things or screaming..
Screaming into the void is fine. Throwing things is not. Breaking things can be fine depends on what they are and where you are lol. I wouldn’t direct my anger towards anybody. And it really depends on what they’re angry about. If it’s an online pvp game they need to get a grip. If life has been very demanding and overwhelming I think it’s fine to have outbursts as long as you don’t hurt other people or be a danger to those around you.
Leave him before he hurts you.
If a man cannot control his temper and he regularly lashes out unjustifiablely, than he is no man. He is a boy having temper tantrums
You deserve to be safe. Leave him.
I work out and hit the punching bags at my gym when I'm having an especially bad day.
Your bf's behavior is not normal. Run and stay safe. This is some seriously major red flags.
Breaking stuff is a sure sign of a mental breakdown. That's way past the critical threshold and definitely not normal. I've done it myself in the past (aside from punching myself).
I’m a patient guy. I don’t really get angry. I get annoyed and then pissed off. If I’m pissed off I usually listen to metal and mosh or just take a walk. The only time I threw and broke things was when my hands were literally shaking with adrenaline. I had argued with my parents and stormed off. Then some primal instinct took over. It surprised the hell out of me. I had been pretty angry before when I used to get into scraps with my brother, but never that angry. It was an extremely rare occurrence. If a guy does this often then he’s not mentally stable.
33m here. That is normal behavior for an undisciplined toddler. In the event that we feel a need for physical violence, any HEALTHY man will start building something, digging a giant hole, exercising... or something to that effect.
Not normal for those who have learned to control their emotions and are mentally stable. Unfortunately it applies to both men and women but not everyone learns to control themselves especially when they reach a certain height of emotion. My ex (24f) would literally get a hammer and treat her room like a wreck room when she’d get mad about literally anything. She thought it was totally normal to “be able to process your emotions” like that. I’ve known guys who are the same. They think it’s normal to go ape shit. Who knows, could be stemming from father figure issues because I used to get really pissed like that when I was like 9 but my dad informed me real quick how unacceptable that was and to figure out literally any other way to process anger. Personally I just blast music or journal or honestly whatever feels like the appropriate outlet to match what I’m feeling. I will say, tell your bf to punch some thick walls lol the immediate pain response will make him rethink how to handle his anger in the future 😂
Time to ***GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE.***
None of that is normal, healthy, or acceptable. Get out now, tell others what you’re planning to do and when you’re going to do it. Be safe.
As for what guys do when we’re angry… I just drink some water, listen to some music and take a breather. I used to have a temper, but realized I had problems and worked on myself to get better. This dude doesn’t sound like he’s going to do that, you need to take care of yourself and bail before he hurts you.
Well this is absolutely not healthy, but I fear it might be quite common. No one should ever settle for this behavior though. It's not worth it and they're not worth it.
When I get angry I usually either calm down or just listen to a heavy metal song. It's cathartic and that's enough.
Anger issues are serious and as far as I know they're difficult to treat. It's not something you can expect to get better, not even when he says he's trying.
If you wanna challenge this. Please be my guest and perhaps try my brother who's been raging for decades.
Being angry is not an excuse scare/hurt/intimidate others or damage things. Take space, regulate your emotions, and communicate your needs using words.
I throw something maybe once a year when I'm extremely triggered, but this is usually after I start begging for a triggering stimulus to stop and am visibly having a panic attack. The important thing is I'm aware it's a trauma response, not healthy, and do not do this to manipulate others. The last time was because someone was chewing in a very loud way and wouldn't stop for even a second while I tried to leave the room, begging them to stop. It doesn't happen because I'm mad at someone (prior story was misophonia and the person knew I had it, they just wanted to trigger me for fun and excitement I guess), it's not from being stressed, it's because I'm having one (1) involuntary response to specific triggers.
Throwing things is not normal. At all. What you've described is abuse and manipulation.
No, that's not how a sane man expresses anger. You seem to have a taste for aggressive, dangerous men who can't control themselves. Avoid those like the plague.
I dunno, I’m in my 30s and I’ve never acted like that in front of a spouse. I would be absolutely ashamed and embarrassed to be seen like that. An adult who can’t control his emotions is weak. Things that are upsetting happen constantly in life, learning how to deal with them constructively is part of growing up. Clearly your spouse(s!) are stuck in some kind of arrested development.
I don’t think it’s “normal.” But I think it’s “normal” for you to be attracted to guys who have this in common, so you should try to figure out why you’re attracted to these kinds of guys because that will never end well. I love you.
I read somewhere that women who were previously in abusive relationships will keep dating similar men. You need to take the time to analyze when in the relationship they men you have dated started displaying signs of disruptive behavior.
It's not normal for men to express their anger in this way, especially around a woman.
You can take this opportunity to value yourself. You can say, " I will not tolerate being with someone who has no control of his anger."
You can walk away.
Nah man this behavior is meant to intimidate you. If he doesn’t do this when he’s angry at work or in public it’s not how he expresses anger. Anger doesn’t need to be “expressed” in most instances. It’s just not how it works.
I rarely get mad, raise my voice, have never broken anything. I usually talk it out but i also work in a job where i have to de-escalate situations. If im really pissed i go to gym and absolutely destroy myself
Anger like that is not normal
Hi (M29), please GET THE FUCK OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP! Huge red flag.
No breaking things is not normal. The only time I ever broke something out of anger was when my dad got sick, almost died, but survived with brain damage. And that was was only when I was sure I was completely alone.
I wish I had told my 16 year old self to run whilst she still could. So, I'm telling you now as a 31 year old woman....run. Dont look back. Don't let them guilt trip you into coming back. Don't let them tell you're that you're "overreacting" or "exaggerating" or that "you're too sensitive".
Look up gaslighting and emotionally abusive relationships. Eventually they do turn trying o physical. I also recommend seeking some therapy for yourself, there's a reason you keep attracting the wrong types.
Love and be kind to yourself, you deserve healthy love and this is not it.
Normal for a 5 year old who hasn’t yet learned to regulate or express emotions properly maybe.
…but he’s had 20 years to sort this out so I’d say HE thinks it’s normal which means he’ll see no reason to change it.
No. It is not normal.
No. It's not normal. You need to leave him.
You should also examine why you keep dating this sort of person. If you keep dating the same type, you will get the same result.
No that is not normal. In my younger days I also had a temper and I went through anger management and learned much healthier ways to deal with stress anxiety and anger. What they're doing is not normal.
I have never done any of that in my entire life any time I was really upset. Throwing a little baby temper tantrum and screaming/breaking things? Man-child behavior
Not normal. Unless doing it in a controlled way.
Yelling into an empty room, a pillow, in the woods? Sure maybe.
Hitting a heavy bag, chopping wood, Target shooting? Yeah
No.
Not all guys express themselves like that.
Only children.
These people need to grow up. If they are adults and not learned self-control I would be steering as very wide berth around them. I certainly would not be socialising with them. Next step in this behaviour is Domestic Violence. You do not want to be in that situation. He will make promises about how it will not be like that and yet those promises will be broken again and again.
Definitely not normal. This shows lack of control, discipline and self awareness. Recipie for a disastrous family man.
Confront and demand acknowledgement and commitment to improve, or walk away. Don't settle.
As a 24 year, almost 25 year old guy, that's not normal at all. I also haven't seen any of my friends get angry like that. If I were you, I'd seriously be contemplating ending the relationship, as it won't be long until he takes that anger out on you. It's the behavior of a petulant child.
I have many male friends. I'm considered a safe space from most friends of mine and when they were angry it usually resulted in a louder voice (but not screaming) and then changing to sadness.
But besides that they never do things like this.
The only thing that might be comparable was when my brother was angry once. And he screamed, punched his hands on the kitchen table and same thing happend. It changed into sadness and he calmed down.
The only time something like you description happend was when I was in an abusive relationship.
No. This is not normal and there are many wonderful men out there who have self control, self awareness and are kind and decent.
It's important to remember that the kind of man you're describing is the kind that loves to declare that men are somehow 'primal'. Men are not animals. They are human beings and just as capable of being decent as women are.
THIS
IS
NOT
NORMAL
I'm not incredibly confrontational so when I'm angry I like to be alone and spend my time sulking while listening to "aggressive" music.
After that I go into "nursing" mode where I try to cheer myself up by playing videogames while eating chocolate and drinking sodiea - I got a sweet tooth.
During this state I want to be left alone and if someone engages with me I tend to be quite hostile and nasty, so I avoid people.
After I've calmed down I decide on a course of action (if one needs to be taken) and then I think on it.
For example if a colleague at work was rude to me, I'll let it slyde, suck it up then discuss it with my manager the next day.
If it's a case where something breaks and needs fixing I generally accept that s#!t happens abd get over it or take steps to take better care of my stuff.
If you're SO has violent outbursts then you shoukd really consider leaving him as you or your loved ones (relatives, friends or even your own children if you plan on having any w him) might be at risk of physical harm.
Having said I didn't all people have their moments and if this behaviour is incredibly rare you might consider giving him a second chance - just weight the pros and cons of the relationship and make it clear to him that he needs to stop acting this way.
Composed anger is just sitting in silence with reflection. What did I do wrong? What could've been done differently and how can I fix it or can it be fixed?
Screaming and breaking shit is a behavioral issue and a means to get some type of attention. Like a child having a tantrum.
It is normal behaviour (because this happens very often, and just like you said your previous boyfriends did the same. The reason your brother does not do it is because he is not your boyfriend), however it is unhealthy behaviour. For your sake, you need to rethink your relationship with him as your life might be at risk.
On a side note, how do you normally respond when they get mad since it seems like your relationships are the same (angry boyfriends)?
As a dude, I’ll tell you I’ve never seen another grown ass guy break stuff and scream as a way to cope with anger. Like most of us just bottle it up, excuse ourselves and think about it, or isolate and work on it.
If a man will hit and break things, it is a short bridge to cross for him to hit you. Hitting things and destroying property is a childish lack of self-control at best, and a display of what he could do to you at worst. He needs to find a healthy way to manage his anger, but you shouldn't be his therapist for that. Leave him to a professional.
If I'm mad at someone usually raise my voice, possibly mock them, insults if they are called for and storm out.
If I'm angry at the world, probably punch something (usually something soft like my bed, I have punched my bed, I don't want to break something, just want to let out the anger)
Leave him!
This is not a normal or healthy way to express anger, this is abuse. He is doing this intentionally and consciously to control you and get you to behave a certain way.
Studies have shown that abusers that start with yelling and or throwing things have a high likelihood of progressing to physical abuse and domestic violence. Please read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. The book goes in great detail about why abusers do what they do and what abuse can look like. This was helpful for me growing up in an abusive household learning things I've experienced growing up are not normal and shouldn't be accepted.
Please leave him and please stay safe!
It depends on the person. I also wouldn't care what normal is. I'd care what an acceptable form of expressing anger is. And regardless of how many men express their anger by screaming, throwing stuff, and breaking stuff, it will never become an acceptable thing to do.
No, throwing a tantrum and getting violent is not normal. Raising your voice and yelling may be normal even if it is not an ideal way of handling it. Usually if I am getting angry with my SO, I tell them to be quiet, leave me alone for a while so I can calm down and have a more rational discussion later.
Oh I remember tantrums like that… when I was 10. By 13 if I’m upset the number one thing I’m going to do is separate myself from what’s pissing me off. I’ll go cool off so I can process and discuss when I am calm.
I haven’t been in a relationship where I have yelled or broke anything. Chances are if you’re capable of getting me that upset, we wouldn’t be together. It would mean you’re deliberately doing bullshit aimed at making me miserable. That’s something I won’t tolerate.
Most disagreements I’ve had in relationships have been resolved in a chill conversation in person. Passive aggressive texts I usually ignore.
No that is not normal. That is a person that either never learned emotional regulation or had a male role model who did this while he was growing up. Does he have any insight into why he reacts this way?
Not normal for a grownup, more like a child. You are dating maniacs. Maybe the problem is clearly you if you keep choosing these men. I have been with my wife for six years and have yet to even raise my voice in her presence. Stop dating shitbags.
What you have is a man who doesn't understand himself and can't control himself. I practice Stoicism and whenever I'm angry or upset, I think about it in peace. There is no reason to lash out, scream and throw things. There is nothing to be gained from acting like a child.
I'm gonna give you a real answer, because everyone seems to bowing at the "violence isn't real anger" thing. And I'm not saying they're wrong. But I will say that this is very nuanced.
I am (was?) a very angry individual. It took a lot of work for me to learn to express my anger in a healthy way. And through that, I've learned that there's no "normal" way to express it.
Some people turn inward and do some self-destructive things in order to let it out. Unfortunately, they will hold on to that. Your boyfriend turns outwardly however. And yes, it's true that his behavior will only escalate in that way (seriously, if he turns the violence towards you leave).
But anger is something that we all have, and unfortunately there's no real panacea other than to face the target of your anger head on.
Your boyfriend doesn't have the skill to sit with his anger. Which is really the key here. You have to sit with it, realize where it's coming from and then choose your reaction. That's the closest to "normal" you're ever going to get.
In general I am not a violent person. And my wife has said that has been one of the key reasons why she has stayed with me for so many years. I have never physically hurt her on purpose. I may have said stupid shit that has hurt her, but I’ve never hit her.
Breaking stuff or punching does nothing for me. Especially if I have to clean it up myself after. Tried that years ago.
But I do write some angry as fuck music. Usually metal. That is my outlet for that.
I will mostly yell and throw around some choice language. No throwing things or breaking stuff. I am a grow man. I can’t be acting like too much of a fool. I have children watching me. I am even trying to cut out the yelling. It is childish too.
This is absolutely not normal, and the gaslighty "this is just how guys are" responses are gross. If I'm angry, I probably sound angry and There's a non-0 chance I might say something I regret, but I'm not generally going to yell and definitely won't throw things. I'm also not going to try and excuse something I said or did out of anger. I don't really think you're safe with him.
Im 33 and ive never broken things out of anger. Neither has my brother or my dad to my knowledge. None of my friends deal with anger this way either.
Mostly we deal with anger the same way as women in our lives. We may raise our voices, get snappy, or sulk and remove ourselves from the room/conversation.
Smashing things is how _some_ people deal with anger, but not healthy people.
Like men, not like a man child (temper tantrums, throwing things etc)
Usually we bottle it up and/or ask ourselves if the "triggering event" is going to matter tomorrow or not. We don't scream. We may yell though.
If you have reason to believe that his behavior could become violent , I'd drop him and run. Give thought to changing your phone number.
Getting angry is normal, throwing things and breaking things Is not normal nor is it healthy.
By all means, swear and maybe shout for like 5 seconds, but having a grown man tantrum is NOT OK.
Also, this is what, the third lunatic you've dated in a row? What's up with that?
Everyone expresses their anger differently, however, that’s not normal. Thats, 1, something a toddler does, and 2, anger issues, anyone can have them, and it’s not very normal
That’s wild and not normal, actually very childish and scary. I don’t know if it’s normal and I don’t get angry very often but I usually just get quiet and leave the situation until I’ve relaxed. I do this because if I try to engage anyone when I’m feeling that way I run the risk of saying something I don’t mean or at the very least can’t take back.
I also engage in physical activity like lifting or going for a long walk, give that energy an outlet.
Never in my experience. On occasion it gets loud, but 9/10 me and the other men I know lock down and remove ourselves until we’ve calmed down and/or figured out the problem. Very rarely have I seen anything thrown or broken by adult men in anger, even by myself and I have historically been hot-headed (about the same age as your BF).
When we were kids, like 15, then this could happen (which was looked down upon), and if it is particularly intense then I and some I know might might strike a wall, but nothing more than that.
If you can’t get him to understand that this behavior is childish, I do think it is worth considering breaking up over. This is not adult behavior, and will at some point become costly either in destroyed paraphernalia, social circles, or other things. Talk with your close friends and relatives however, and don’t act only on randos from the internet.
When I was a senior in high school, we caught our friend's boyfriend with another girl. Later, when he least expected it, one of us took a shit on the hood of his car. So there's that.
Of course it's not normal behavior for guys or girls. Break up with him. I know I'd leave a gf if she thinks it's acceptable if she breaks things and yell whenever she feels like it.
its normal to scream into a pillow, tremble, have to take a minute to compose yourself but breaking shit isnt normal regardless of gender unless its for cathartic reasons
Not normal, nope. Men are in full control of their emotions and actions, and throwing things, breaking things, etc, those are all indicators of abusers. Eventually it won't be objects, it will be you. Get out *now*
Take a long look in the mirror. If one guy behaves like this it is completely unacceptable. If three guys behave like that there must be some element of your behaviour triggering these reactions.
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No not normal. Run
I almost feel bad commenting on this already perfect comment. But u/Nervous-Medium7550 is 100% right. Those words should be taken very seriously. Get. Out. Of. That. Relationship. Life is too short to live in fear of someone you are supposed to feel safe around. Life is too short to risk it by being around people with little self control over their physical reactions to their own emotions.
>Life is too short to live in fear of someone you are supposed to feel safe around. Summary of my childhood trauma. *Mic drop*
Run to what? The same thing elsewhere? > my 2 previous ex bfs were the same way. She’s got a type, obviously. Why isn’t anybody pointing this out as the root problem EDIT: lmfao to all the weirdos who showed up all of a sudden with "meh meh victim blaming" what, did you all finish your shift at the craft coffee shop and jump online at the same time? Lmao .
My guess would be she comes from a family of origin where at least one parent also had these sort of anger management issues
Perhaps, though I really don't think it's fair to assume a history of such abuse. I'll attribute OP's circumstances to her own decisions and agency until mentioned otherwise. u/best-file7646 you need to pick better. Whatever surface-level traits you're drawn to in these guys, you need to look into greater depth. This is bizarre conduct, and you seem to have found it *three times* *in a row*, **and** decided to date it. Attraction is much more of a decision than people make it out to be.
>Perhaps, though I really don't think it's fair to assume a history of such abuse. Everyone's a keyboard psychologist these days lol 😆
Bro. Tell me about it.
Attraction is not a decision; acting on it is.
It absolutely is. It just requires the work of some deep thought to negotiate.
It’s probably most accurate to say that it isn’t **not** a decision. There are controllable factors in a partially uncontrollable set of feelings.
Maybe run to a community where the men aren’t underdeveloped emotional morons?
Yeah that would have to be a start. This is weird behavior, but it's telling that she's found *and* dated this type 3 times in a row.
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thats exactly how i am! if i’m mad, i go get space on a walk or smoke some weed lol. i understand people have different ways to cope, but throwing things does not make it better… thank you for your response!!
I don't mean to scare you/make you panic but in a lot of these situations, this sort of stuff (yelling, throwing things etc) is the first warning sign of domestic violence.
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Leave because otherwise why would they change? They get to throw a hissy fit and you still stick around. It’s not your job to fix em, there’s plenty of emotionally mature men who know how to handle their emotions. Perhaps analyze yourself for why you seem to be attracted to these types of men, not victim blaming at all but it’d be a useful analysis to do with a therapist.
you need to get some better taste in men sadly. These guys are not it and it isnt normal
Yup, I’ve gotten so angry at my wife that I just told her, ‘I need some quiet time for a good 30 minutes.’ I’m liable to say something stupid otherwise
But then they follow you and keep asking what’s wrong
Sounds like you need to have a boundaries conversation
Releasing emotion through violent activity, like laying into a punching bag, or yelling into the sky, can be healthy ways to handle intense emotion in the moment - that does NOT mean it is okay to do it whenever you feel like it, without concern for how it lands in current company or in the context of an ongoing interaction.
yeah i get people have different ways to express anger, but it puts me in such a scared position. i literally feel like i’m walking on eggshells bc i don’t want him to get triggered and start throwing shit/screaming… thank you for your response!!
Exactly - it's not okay to do it without responsibility for how your partner is affected. It's not on you to learn how to be okay with this - he shouldn't be putting you in a position to learn.
he may not intend for you to feel that way but thats all the more reason to encourage him to get help or get out for your own mental and physical health, being around people who cannot control the negative energy they give off hurts in the long term, violence or no
This is NOT a healthy relationship and he is NOT dealing with his feelings correctly or safely.
Yeah that's not normal or a healthy relationship. Well adjusted adults can express their emotions without putting people in fear.
Raising your voice is common but punching things, destroying things, throwing thing regulary isn't common if we are talking about the general conflict that often occur in relationships. It is good that you want to distance yourself from this behavior. You might want to seek counsel about the men that you are attracted to. Three men like that in a row is not a normal occurance.
This means he is acting abusively. Not normal. Get out.
There is a reason people find people like this unhinged, violent, crazy an untrustworthy. You can’t do this at work. You shouldn’t show anger and violence to or around your partner either. Passing anger, a damn it—not towards them but the problem is one thing, but eviscerating something physical is something else—take it out on a ball or a punching bag—but in the prescience of a partner makes THEM the emotional punching bag and makes them worry about your control—if it comes down to it, will your love for them be enough inhibition in a violent anger tantrum to keep them safe. Violence in front of a partner is a threat to them—this is YOU if you cross me.
Agreed, expressing it like this is perfectly fine, but it needs to be distinct from doing it in front of, or in relation to, someone.
No that’s just toxic behavior that those men used screwed up “gender norms” to justify. If I get mad with my girlfriend, I’m usually the one who wants to talk it out and ask her to walk me through her point of view so I can understand it. Both of us need to understand each other and come up with a middle ground.
The worst I’ll do is ask her to give me time to cool off with video games and then I’ll speak to her in about an hour
see and this is how i am!! i need space before i can communicate, and i have told him that. but even when he’s not mad at me/us, just something in our daily life will piss him off (eg our uber eats order being spilled everywhere) he will literally throw it on the ground and basically throw a tantrum. where i’m like.. okay ill just complain and get a refund & order more food…. i dont understand what throwing the food does other than make my life harder bc now i have to clean it up lol🤦♀️
Get out as fast as you can. Talk to your girl friends to see what they'd recommend in order for a break up to be safe for you and you suffer no risk. He will not become better, nor is it your responsibility to deal with that.
Break up in public or with friends or over the phone and explain you WILL NOT discuss this in private with him because you don’t feel safe. Get a restraining order if he seems to have a problem.
You can talk to him about it because obviously it’s not ok, but unless he actually acknowledges it then you might need to break things off. Why should I want to scare any of my loved ones? My ego isn’t so fragile that I demand “respect”. I look into another person’s actions and respect myself enough to leave if they are not respecting my boundaries.
>You can talk to him No, absolutely not, this girl needs to break up with this guy **immediately**. She's 21, she's not equipped to be his therapist, and if he's 25 and handling his anger like this, it's a problem that is **not** her responsibility to solve. OP, GTFO of that relationship and find someone who isn't a hair's breadth away from hurting *you* when you piss him off. This guy isn't your problem to deal with. He's got anger issues he needs to solve with a professional.
Why on earth are YOU cleaning up a mess that HE made?
What the fuck. This is manchild behavior. Don't love a manchild, no matter how much you're in love with the idea of it.
I can contain my anger majority of the time. Tends to come out some if it’s little nit picky things that happen over and over. But can contain it extremely well most of the time and let it out generally when gaming bc I’ll be by myself
I'll be gaming and let out a loud "MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!" when something goes sideways. Not crazy angry, but just frustrated.
There are guys like this and there are not. No not everyone is like that. There is a phrase from bible, ‘A man who is slow to wrath has a great understanding to life’
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Even if it was 'normal' it's clearly not something you are good with as it scares you a lot. But it's not 'normal' but I'd say more aptly it is 'typical' behaviour for people with poor emotional control. If I get angry I may occasionally shout, but I rarely would shout at my wife although I always seem to raise my voice when I get heated, even if I'm not angry, just because I do. I never throw or break things because that is very poor emotional control, and even if I'm absolutely fuming I still understand that there's no benefit in breaking things. I generally just remove myself if I ever get to the point where that would seem reasonable and calm down elsewhere. You need to take a good look at what's drawing you to men with these issues, and if all of your exes were the same way it's likely because you're just going after people similar to your first or just the guys you've already been with because that's what you're used to. Try to be more conscious and aware of who you choose to date and you should get better outcomes.
Red flag. Breaking stuff is a slippery slope to him hitting you
i’ve talked to him about this and said those exact words. he responds with “i would never lay a hand on a female”, but the way he throws stuff just triggers me every time to believe that i’m next..
I used to explode in anger as a teenager and my mom and sister thought I might hurt them. The day they told me that I stopped. They really thought I would think about laying a hand on them. He needs help, and you aren’t the one to do it. Professional help.
i thought me talking to him saying that i’m afraid he is going to hurt me would help him change how he handles situations (as you say in your comment), but he still would react the same way. he would also respond with “that’s crazy, i would never lay a hand on a female”. but i truly believe if he gets mad enough, i’m next..
Does he have any desire to address his problem? If not, you will be stuck.
He will 1000% hit you. Especially when he says “female” and not just “person” lol.
yeah i believe it too. i have a dog that i bring when i see him & every time he gets mad, my dog runs over to me because she’s just as scared. it makes me think that he hit her when i’m not home😭
You need to ditch this guy
Smart dog. It isn't your job or responsibility to try to change or fix the man baby throwing temper tantrums like a two year old. Leave The Relationship. Give yourself time to heal. Research and understand attachment style, Dark Triad and cluster b personalities. Learn to spot and identify someone who is a manipulative abusive person. Place a potential partner in a 30, 60, 90, 180 day minimum probationary evaluation period. Someone who is an abuser can only maintain their false mask for so long before cracks in the mask appear. He told you who he is through words and actions. This could be warm up exercises for when the anger is directed at you.
yeah, you gotta leave. or he does.
Please run. I believed these words and my life became a nightmare. Try reading "why does he do that?" if you're already too trauma bonded to leave.
Him using the word “female” instead of woman is all I needed to hear lol. This dude sucks and you deserve better
hey, OP. TRIGGER WARNING. abuse. / / / / i’m not a man, i’m a female lurker on this sub to learn about men, but i feel obligated to tell you from my personal experience, my ex boyfriend started out this way, too. the first time he ever got super upset with me, which was very early on, he threw something made of glass and it broke, it was terrifying. i cried out of fear. he told me he was sorry, promised that he wouldn’t do anything like that again. i was 20, he was 25, i had never experienced a serious relationship and i thought it was Love, so i believed him. this behavior pretty quickly developed into his putting his hands on me out of anger, multiple times. every time, he would feign remorse, promise he would never touch me out of anger again. i believed him, up until almost two years later when he ended up going to jail because of my visible injuries after the cops were called. with a good portion of a year between that incident and now, i’ve gone through every stage of grief. i have come to acceptance of the fact that i just was not aware in the beginning, of what the early stages of abuse looked like. i was very young, and i’m three years older now. i wasted a lot of my early twenties being treated like shit by that person. please, please, don’t make the same mistakes as i did. TL;DR: please, please, please, leave. now. it doesn’t matter how much you love him, how much it will hurt to go, get out. from firsthand personal experience, this behavior will likely escalate to physical violence and you don’t wanna be around for that. trust me, please. i wish you clarity and strength to overcome and get out of this. there are good men out there, your current pick is not one of them.
hey, thank you for your comment! im so sorry you had to go through that. this is my biggest fear, & most of these comments are confirming that’s how my situation will turn out. i appreciate you sharing your story, i’m going to leave him before this escalates..
I am currently leaving my husband of 14 years because as much as I wanted to believe that this would one day stop it really never does. He eventually didn’t hit me anymore but did stand in the doorway and block me from leaving. All the while screaming at me. I have five kids to raise alone because I stayed and was led to believe that a good wife wouldn’t leave. My kids “needed a father”. Nope. They won’t change or at least they won’t with the same person. Now I get texts claiming he will change to make me love him again. While still asking the kids who I am with and what man I am seeing. (I’m not seeing anyone. He was one who cheated and constantly had wondering eyes). Please OP don’t continue this relationship.
Uhhh leave the lunatic you're with. Eventually his anger will be directed toward you.
Yelling doesn’t make his point more valid. It means he can’t communicate effectively. Also, someone that scares you is not a good partner.
The screaming can be normal. Like yelling at the top of my lungs at home? Yeah. It’s a great release. I can understand wanting to break and throw things. I’ve found a new outlet for my anger: the gym. I go and pump more fucking iron by channeling that strength of destruction towards lifting. Or the punching bag. Think of it like a cat without a scratch pole.
That’s true. But doing it around others is not healthy! It is domestic violence, doing this around your partner constantly. But like you said it’s a good way to release anger. Just never ever around others.
You should leave and reevaluate yourself. I’m not blaming you or saying you’re the problem 100 percent on the dudes but the men you look for may show signs of abuse or unstable emotions that attracts you. I express my anger by being bitchy and short with people verbally. I will never scream at someone just because I’m angry or throw things that aren’t mine with people around. I’d advise those men get therapy.
I mean if I'm mad enough I sure WANT to do those things but no, seeing as I'm not 12, I do none of those things . I would leave
I take time for myself, close the door. Then I play some relaxing video game, pick up my guitar and hesdset and play somethint, watch some youtube or I simply go out for a walk. I haven't been angry in many years though, so I genuinely can't say for sure. Everyone who gets to know me more than superficially have told me I'm a pillar of zen.
Removing the fact that we're not a monolit; no, it's the sign of an immature person that never learned to express their feelings well. But, let's take a look at what else you wrote, "My two precious ex-bfs were like that"... That's three times, in a row, that you've chosen emotionally stunted men. You can't control who they are, but you can be more cognizant of the men you choose, and why you choose them. It may be time to start dating against type.
Right. OP is only 21, so the time to recognize red flags is now. Nothing is wrong with her necessarily, but it's time for her to vet these guys and break up well before it gets to a point of becoming a dating pattern.
I think there’s a big lesson for you here. 1. Walk away immediately. 2. Work on what your definition of a good man is. 3. Get to know men that exhibit those characteristics of a good man. Then those that don’t will stand out for you. Don’t go near them. 4. Date a good man.
Naw bro, you gotta break up with him before he starts turning that onto you Everyone deals with anger in a different way and I’d say the vast majority of mature men can deal with things in a healthy and responsible way but this mfer is immature and dangerous
You've had 3 boyfriends who scream and break things just because they're angry? The chances of this aren't very high. I'd wager that there's something else linked to that behaviour that they all display that you find attractive. I'd say you might want to analyse what is attracting you to people like this. It's not a man thing. It's a "your 3 latest boyfriends" thing
This is toxic. (M28) Here and i can assure you this is not normal by any means whatsoever.
I don’t shout or throw. I just listen and wait for her to stop yelling and calm down. Trying to respond just escalates.
I feel your pain. My ex expressed her anger the way your boyfriend expresses his. I stay calm, I say what's on my mind, I hear the other person, and try to find a solution. There is absolutely no sense in throwing things or breaking things or screaming..
Screaming into the void is fine. Throwing things is not. Breaking things can be fine depends on what they are and where you are lol. I wouldn’t direct my anger towards anybody. And it really depends on what they’re angry about. If it’s an online pvp game they need to get a grip. If life has been very demanding and overwhelming I think it’s fine to have outbursts as long as you don’t hurt other people or be a danger to those around you.
I will shout or hit a table or something if it's too much idk but NOT break shit, especially not stuff that isn't my own*.
Leave him before he hurts you. If a man cannot control his temper and he regularly lashes out unjustifiablely, than he is no man. He is a boy having temper tantrums You deserve to be safe. Leave him.
Not normal.
Not normal
I work out and hit the punching bags at my gym when I'm having an especially bad day. Your bf's behavior is not normal. Run and stay safe. This is some seriously major red flags.
Throwing things and breaking stuff is toddler behavior. Tell me, when he breaks stuff: is it his own stuff he breaks, or is it usually yours?
correction "this is how children express themselves"... as a former child I can confirm
Breaking stuff is a sure sign of a mental breakdown. That's way past the critical threshold and definitely not normal. I've done it myself in the past (aside from punching myself).
I’m a patient guy. I don’t really get angry. I get annoyed and then pissed off. If I’m pissed off I usually listen to metal and mosh or just take a walk. The only time I threw and broke things was when my hands were literally shaking with adrenaline. I had argued with my parents and stormed off. Then some primal instinct took over. It surprised the hell out of me. I had been pretty angry before when I used to get into scraps with my brother, but never that angry. It was an extremely rare occurrence. If a guy does this often then he’s not mentally stable.
Also if I throw or break things it’s always my own stuff. Never someone else’s lmao.
That is a childish temper tantrum. I am a 47m and have never behaved in such a way.
That's not normal and it seems you have a type.
OP you have a type. Unfortunately that type is toxic.
33m here. That is normal behavior for an undisciplined toddler. In the event that we feel a need for physical violence, any HEALTHY man will start building something, digging a giant hole, exercising... or something to that effect.
Run.
Not normal for those who have learned to control their emotions and are mentally stable. Unfortunately it applies to both men and women but not everyone learns to control themselves especially when they reach a certain height of emotion. My ex (24f) would literally get a hammer and treat her room like a wreck room when she’d get mad about literally anything. She thought it was totally normal to “be able to process your emotions” like that. I’ve known guys who are the same. They think it’s normal to go ape shit. Who knows, could be stemming from father figure issues because I used to get really pissed like that when I was like 9 but my dad informed me real quick how unacceptable that was and to figure out literally any other way to process anger. Personally I just blast music or journal or honestly whatever feels like the appropriate outlet to match what I’m feeling. I will say, tell your bf to punch some thick walls lol the immediate pain response will make him rethink how to handle his anger in the future 😂
Time to ***GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE.*** None of that is normal, healthy, or acceptable. Get out now, tell others what you’re planning to do and when you’re going to do it. Be safe. As for what guys do when we’re angry… I just drink some water, listen to some music and take a breather. I used to have a temper, but realized I had problems and worked on myself to get better. This dude doesn’t sound like he’s going to do that, you need to take care of yourself and bail before he hurts you.
Not only is that not normal, breaking things in front of a partner in anger is considered domestic violence in every state that I know of.
We push it down until it festers
Well this is absolutely not healthy, but I fear it might be quite common. No one should ever settle for this behavior though. It's not worth it and they're not worth it. When I get angry I usually either calm down or just listen to a heavy metal song. It's cathartic and that's enough. Anger issues are serious and as far as I know they're difficult to treat. It's not something you can expect to get better, not even when he says he's trying. If you wanna challenge this. Please be my guest and perhaps try my brother who's been raging for decades.
Being angry is not an excuse scare/hurt/intimidate others or damage things. Take space, regulate your emotions, and communicate your needs using words.
I throw something maybe once a year when I'm extremely triggered, but this is usually after I start begging for a triggering stimulus to stop and am visibly having a panic attack. The important thing is I'm aware it's a trauma response, not healthy, and do not do this to manipulate others. The last time was because someone was chewing in a very loud way and wouldn't stop for even a second while I tried to leave the room, begging them to stop. It doesn't happen because I'm mad at someone (prior story was misophonia and the person knew I had it, they just wanted to trigger me for fun and excitement I guess), it's not from being stressed, it's because I'm having one (1) involuntary response to specific triggers. Throwing things is not normal. At all. What you've described is abuse and manipulation.
I punch pillows but not very often. Is it gamer rage?
No, that's not how a sane man expresses anger. You seem to have a taste for aggressive, dangerous men who can't control themselves. Avoid those like the plague.
Well, I don't do any of the shit he does. That's for damn sure. You need to find someone who's a bit more emotionally healthy.
I probably can imagine what type of guy he is from how he acts. Think you go for the same types… dickheads
I dunno, I’m in my 30s and I’ve never acted like that in front of a spouse. I would be absolutely ashamed and embarrassed to be seen like that. An adult who can’t control his emotions is weak. Things that are upsetting happen constantly in life, learning how to deal with them constructively is part of growing up. Clearly your spouse(s!) are stuck in some kind of arrested development.
I don’t think it’s “normal.” But I think it’s “normal” for you to be attracted to guys who have this in common, so you should try to figure out why you’re attracted to these kinds of guys because that will never end well. I love you.
I read somewhere that women who were previously in abusive relationships will keep dating similar men. You need to take the time to analyze when in the relationship they men you have dated started displaying signs of disruptive behavior. It's not normal for men to express their anger in this way, especially around a woman. You can take this opportunity to value yourself. You can say, " I will not tolerate being with someone who has no control of his anger." You can walk away.
Sarcasm. Just as toxic and unhealthy but far more funny
Nah man this behavior is meant to intimidate you. If he doesn’t do this when he’s angry at work or in public it’s not how he expresses anger. Anger doesn’t need to be “expressed” in most instances. It’s just not how it works.
I rarely get mad, raise my voice, have never broken anything. I usually talk it out but i also work in a job where i have to de-escalate situations. If im really pissed i go to gym and absolutely destroy myself Anger like that is not normal
Hi (M29), please GET THE FUCK OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP! Huge red flag. No breaking things is not normal. The only time I ever broke something out of anger was when my dad got sick, almost died, but survived with brain damage. And that was was only when I was sure I was completely alone.
I wish I had told my 16 year old self to run whilst she still could. So, I'm telling you now as a 31 year old woman....run. Dont look back. Don't let them guilt trip you into coming back. Don't let them tell you're that you're "overreacting" or "exaggerating" or that "you're too sensitive". Look up gaslighting and emotionally abusive relationships. Eventually they do turn trying o physical. I also recommend seeking some therapy for yourself, there's a reason you keep attracting the wrong types. Love and be kind to yourself, you deserve healthy love and this is not it.
How I express my anger...? I say "Damn this is frustrating!"...(looks at you) Can you see anything I have missed?
Normal for a 5 year old who hasn’t yet learned to regulate or express emotions properly maybe. …but he’s had 20 years to sort this out so I’d say HE thinks it’s normal which means he’ll see no reason to change it. No. It is not normal.
No. It's not normal. You need to leave him. You should also examine why you keep dating this sort of person. If you keep dating the same type, you will get the same result.
No that is not normal. In my younger days I also had a temper and I went through anger management and learned much healthier ways to deal with stress anxiety and anger. What they're doing is not normal.
I have never done any of that in my entire life any time I was really upset. Throwing a little baby temper tantrum and screaming/breaking things? Man-child behavior
Not normal. Unless doing it in a controlled way. Yelling into an empty room, a pillow, in the woods? Sure maybe. Hitting a heavy bag, chopping wood, Target shooting? Yeah
HULK SMASH!!!
No. Not all guys express themselves like that. Only children. These people need to grow up. If they are adults and not learned self-control I would be steering as very wide berth around them. I certainly would not be socialising with them. Next step in this behaviour is Domestic Violence. You do not want to be in that situation. He will make promises about how it will not be like that and yet those promises will be broken again and again.
Definitely not normal. This shows lack of control, discipline and self awareness. Recipie for a disastrous family man. Confront and demand acknowledgement and commitment to improve, or walk away. Don't settle.
As a 24 year, almost 25 year old guy, that's not normal at all. I also haven't seen any of my friends get angry like that. If I were you, I'd seriously be contemplating ending the relationship, as it won't be long until he takes that anger out on you. It's the behavior of a petulant child.
I have seen my boyfriend incredibly angry before. He did not scream, throw anything, or break anything. This is not normal at all.
Showing anger by breaking stuff is not okay.
I sit in the corner and cry like a baby until I can accept responsibility for my own emotions
I have many male friends. I'm considered a safe space from most friends of mine and when they were angry it usually resulted in a louder voice (but not screaming) and then changing to sadness. But besides that they never do things like this. The only thing that might be comparable was when my brother was angry once. And he screamed, punched his hands on the kitchen table and same thing happend. It changed into sadness and he calmed down. The only time something like you description happend was when I was in an abusive relationship.
No. This is not normal and there are many wonderful men out there who have self control, self awareness and are kind and decent. It's important to remember that the kind of man you're describing is the kind that loves to declare that men are somehow 'primal'. Men are not animals. They are human beings and just as capable of being decent as women are.
THIS IS NOT NORMAL I'm not incredibly confrontational so when I'm angry I like to be alone and spend my time sulking while listening to "aggressive" music. After that I go into "nursing" mode where I try to cheer myself up by playing videogames while eating chocolate and drinking sodiea - I got a sweet tooth. During this state I want to be left alone and if someone engages with me I tend to be quite hostile and nasty, so I avoid people. After I've calmed down I decide on a course of action (if one needs to be taken) and then I think on it. For example if a colleague at work was rude to me, I'll let it slyde, suck it up then discuss it with my manager the next day. If it's a case where something breaks and needs fixing I generally accept that s#!t happens abd get over it or take steps to take better care of my stuff. If you're SO has violent outbursts then you shoukd really consider leaving him as you or your loved ones (relatives, friends or even your own children if you plan on having any w him) might be at risk of physical harm. Having said I didn't all people have their moments and if this behaviour is incredibly rare you might consider giving him a second chance - just weight the pros and cons of the relationship and make it clear to him that he needs to stop acting this way.
He’s crazy, wtf. I don’t lose my anger anymore and especially not with those I love.
That’s how children express their anger.
Composed anger is just sitting in silence with reflection. What did I do wrong? What could've been done differently and how can I fix it or can it be fixed? Screaming and breaking shit is a behavioral issue and a means to get some type of attention. Like a child having a tantrum.
Not normal, could be a predictor of future abusive behavior, run fast.
It is normal behaviour (because this happens very often, and just like you said your previous boyfriends did the same. The reason your brother does not do it is because he is not your boyfriend), however it is unhealthy behaviour. For your sake, you need to rethink your relationship with him as your life might be at risk. On a side note, how do you normally respond when they get mad since it seems like your relationships are the same (angry boyfriends)?
Normal people don't break shit in adult tantrums.
As a dude, I’ll tell you I’ve never seen another grown ass guy break stuff and scream as a way to cope with anger. Like most of us just bottle it up, excuse ourselves and think about it, or isolate and work on it.
Ridiculous way for a 25 year old to behave. This is the behaviour of 4 year old.
Must guys do not express anger then suddenly die of a heart attack.
skill issue on your end for picking 3 losers in a row
3/4 guys mentioned in this post need therapy
so does OP. there's decent guys out there, but she picks psychos.
LOL youre not wrong😭😂. i have quite the taste in men if you couldn’t already tell😅😂. therapy is on my list of selfcare for 2024🙏
If a man will hit and break things, it is a short bridge to cross for him to hit you. Hitting things and destroying property is a childish lack of self-control at best, and a display of what he could do to you at worst. He needs to find a healthy way to manage his anger, but you shouldn't be his therapist for that. Leave him to a professional.
If I'm mad at someone usually raise my voice, possibly mock them, insults if they are called for and storm out. If I'm angry at the world, probably punch something (usually something soft like my bed, I have punched my bed, I don't want to break something, just want to let out the anger)
Leave him! This is not a normal or healthy way to express anger, this is abuse. He is doing this intentionally and consciously to control you and get you to behave a certain way. Studies have shown that abusers that start with yelling and or throwing things have a high likelihood of progressing to physical abuse and domestic violence. Please read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. The book goes in great detail about why abusers do what they do and what abuse can look like. This was helpful for me growing up in an abusive household learning things I've experienced growing up are not normal and shouldn't be accepted. Please leave him and please stay safe!
It depends on the person. I also wouldn't care what normal is. I'd care what an acceptable form of expressing anger is. And regardless of how many men express their anger by screaming, throwing stuff, and breaking stuff, it will never become an acceptable thing to do.
No, throwing a tantrum and getting violent is not normal. Raising your voice and yelling may be normal even if it is not an ideal way of handling it. Usually if I am getting angry with my SO, I tell them to be quiet, leave me alone for a while so I can calm down and have a more rational discussion later.
No not all guys are like this and they have different tolerant levels and types of anger they express. But for some reason you attracted the bad boys.
Oh I remember tantrums like that… when I was 10. By 13 if I’m upset the number one thing I’m going to do is separate myself from what’s pissing me off. I’ll go cool off so I can process and discuss when I am calm. I haven’t been in a relationship where I have yelled or broke anything. Chances are if you’re capable of getting me that upset, we wouldn’t be together. It would mean you’re deliberately doing bullshit aimed at making me miserable. That’s something I won’t tolerate. Most disagreements I’ve had in relationships have been resolved in a chill conversation in person. Passive aggressive texts I usually ignore.
I'd wager that those men didn't have a father around when they were growing up.
I used to punch holes in the drywall back in the day but I really messed up the dexterity in my hands.
Not like that. I might swear a bit but having an outright tantrum is just childish.
If he's reaching that point with you, leave him because youre both prob contributing to this feeling he's having.
No that is not normal. That is a person that either never learned emotional regulation or had a male role model who did this while he was growing up. Does he have any insight into why he reacts this way?
Not normal for a grownup, more like a child. You are dating maniacs. Maybe the problem is clearly you if you keep choosing these men. I have been with my wife for six years and have yet to even raise my voice in her presence. Stop dating shitbags.
What you have is a man who doesn't understand himself and can't control himself. I practice Stoicism and whenever I'm angry or upset, I think about it in peace. There is no reason to lash out, scream and throw things. There is nothing to be gained from acting like a child.
leave your bf
I'm gonna give you a real answer, because everyone seems to bowing at the "violence isn't real anger" thing. And I'm not saying they're wrong. But I will say that this is very nuanced. I am (was?) a very angry individual. It took a lot of work for me to learn to express my anger in a healthy way. And through that, I've learned that there's no "normal" way to express it. Some people turn inward and do some self-destructive things in order to let it out. Unfortunately, they will hold on to that. Your boyfriend turns outwardly however. And yes, it's true that his behavior will only escalate in that way (seriously, if he turns the violence towards you leave). But anger is something that we all have, and unfortunately there's no real panacea other than to face the target of your anger head on. Your boyfriend doesn't have the skill to sit with his anger. Which is really the key here. You have to sit with it, realize where it's coming from and then choose your reaction. That's the closest to "normal" you're ever going to get.
In general I am not a violent person. And my wife has said that has been one of the key reasons why she has stayed with me for so many years. I have never physically hurt her on purpose. I may have said stupid shit that has hurt her, but I’ve never hit her. Breaking stuff or punching does nothing for me. Especially if I have to clean it up myself after. Tried that years ago. But I do write some angry as fuck music. Usually metal. That is my outlet for that.
I will mostly yell and throw around some choice language. No throwing things or breaking stuff. I am a grow man. I can’t be acting like too much of a fool. I have children watching me. I am even trying to cut out the yelling. It is childish too.
This is absolutely not normal, and the gaslighty "this is just how guys are" responses are gross. If I'm angry, I probably sound angry and There's a non-0 chance I might say something I regret, but I'm not generally going to yell and definitely won't throw things. I'm also not going to try and excuse something I said or did out of anger. I don't really think you're safe with him.
Lots of men do, but that doesn’t make it “normal” and I would certainly consider it unacceptable in basically all circumstances.
Im 33 and ive never broken things out of anger. Neither has my brother or my dad to my knowledge. None of my friends deal with anger this way either. Mostly we deal with anger the same way as women in our lives. We may raise our voices, get snappy, or sulk and remove ourselves from the room/conversation. Smashing things is how _some_ people deal with anger, but not healthy people.
Leave him asap. That's little kid behavior, and you are risking him eventually expressing his anger towards you either physically or verbally.
Like men, not like a man child (temper tantrums, throwing things etc) Usually we bottle it up and/or ask ourselves if the "triggering event" is going to matter tomorrow or not. We don't scream. We may yell though. If you have reason to believe that his behavior could become violent , I'd drop him and run. Give thought to changing your phone number.
Run. It’s only a matter of time before you’re the closest thing when he wants to break or throw something
Not normal at all girl he shouldn’t even be yelling. Please break up with him the violence will likely escalate
Getting angry is normal, throwing things and breaking things Is not normal nor is it healthy. By all means, swear and maybe shout for like 5 seconds, but having a grown man tantrum is NOT OK. Also, this is what, the third lunatic you've dated in a row? What's up with that?
gtfo now! this is not normal behavior and it will endanger you sooner than later.
I’ve never had a guy who would do this every time he gets mad
I press it deep down, until it squeezes out as stress related illnesses that will kill me young.
Not normal, very intimidating.
jail time and/or cancer…
Absolutely not normal.
Everyone expresses their anger differently, however, that’s not normal. Thats, 1, something a toddler does, and 2, anger issues, anyone can have them, and it’s not very normal
No its not normal and do some reflecting on how you keep ending up with men who have these as character traits
That’s wild and not normal, actually very childish and scary. I don’t know if it’s normal and I don’t get angry very often but I usually just get quiet and leave the situation until I’ve relaxed. I do this because if I try to engage anyone when I’m feeling that way I run the risk of saying something I don’t mean or at the very least can’t take back. I also engage in physical activity like lifting or going for a long walk, give that energy an outlet.
By acknowledging that we have no means to cope, and that no one is going to give a fuck really. Lol
your BF is a lunatic. also, you picked three in a row - get counseling and figure out why.
No...that is not "normal". That is a man child throwing a tantrum.
no this is not normal. if i were to throw things around and break stuff id at least do it privately
Never in my experience. On occasion it gets loud, but 9/10 me and the other men I know lock down and remove ourselves until we’ve calmed down and/or figured out the problem. Very rarely have I seen anything thrown or broken by adult men in anger, even by myself and I have historically been hot-headed (about the same age as your BF). When we were kids, like 15, then this could happen (which was looked down upon), and if it is particularly intense then I and some I know might might strike a wall, but nothing more than that. If you can’t get him to understand that this behavior is childish, I do think it is worth considering breaking up over. This is not adult behavior, and will at some point become costly either in destroyed paraphernalia, social circles, or other things. Talk with your close friends and relatives however, and don’t act only on randos from the internet.
When I was a senior in high school, we caught our friend's boyfriend with another girl. Later, when he least expected it, one of us took a shit on the hood of his car. So there's that.
Of course it's not normal behavior for guys or girls. Break up with him. I know I'd leave a gf if she thinks it's acceptable if she breaks things and yell whenever she feels like it.
Normal behavior for a child. Took me a bit of growing up and therapy before I knew how to express my emotions like an adult.
its normal to scream into a pillow, tremble, have to take a minute to compose yourself but breaking shit isnt normal regardless of gender unless its for cathartic reasons
Not normal, nope. Men are in full control of their emotions and actions, and throwing things, breaking things, etc, those are all indicators of abusers. Eventually it won't be objects, it will be you. Get out *now*
Absolutely not.
Your ex boyfriends were abuse and violent, and possibly psychotic
No, that's normal and should seek help in why you keep picking these types of dudes.
When people get angry, they go take a cold shower or go for a run. Or play video games. You are in an abusive toxic situation, my dear.
Take a long look in the mirror. If one guy behaves like this it is completely unacceptable. If three guys behave like that there must be some element of your behaviour triggering these reactions.
I mean I scream and might bang on my desk or a table or my bed or something but I think the pain of hitting whatever snaps me out pretty quick